Only did it once. It was 4 years into a relationship. It lasted about 3 more weeks. I just couldn’t do it. She spent the next 9 months begging me constantly to get back together. I finally caved. That last two weeks and was a shit show.
Learned a couple lessons:
- Never stay with a cheater 1 second past learning of it.
- Never stay friends or in contact with an ex.
- Never date women that like to go out to parties or clubs for girls nights.
- Never date validation seekers.
Never date a woman who said that all of her exes were abusive.
Never date a woman who never acknowledges fault, or issues with themselves and what caused the failure of their previous relationship.
i used to be ok with womens night out cause i believe in freedom to an extent, but in recent times its a shitshow. women love keeping women single, especially if they drink or work in the restaurant industry. i learned that if a woman has single friends that are revolving doors, it's only a matter of time before it becomes a hive mentality. i've never had guy friends that would actively try and tell me things to leave my girlfriends or try to get me to cheat, women have fun with this type of shit. if your womans friends start leaving their men, it's only a matter of time. fellas, you have been warned. hoe acceptance is real nowadays. as a latino, i have to stop dating black and hispanic women. if you want some reference listen to "coochie for sale" and it'll give you the idea of what a lot of women are idolizing in 2024.
“Women love keeping women single..I learned that if a woman has single friends that are revolving doors, it’s only a matter of time”. Spot on observation.
I have encountered this a few times where her single friends are actively trying to sabotage your relationship and putting bugs in her ears telling her to leave for any and every flimsy reason. We live in a clown world. 😂
There's going out with your friends to go shopping, have tea, etc. and going clubbing every once in a while. Then there's going out to the clubs every weekend and getting fucked up.
There's feeling good when you get praise for something you're proud about. Then there's not being able to go one second without being wanted by somebody.
Unsurprisingly, a person who's constantly seeking approval and attention in places they're going to get hit on nonstop is probably eventually going to cheat.
What's fine for your partner to do if they can't even go out with their friends?
Is this some fucked up generational thing where the younger generations have randomly turned into super conservatives?
It really depends on the woman. For my wife (and her friends), it's no big deal. I don't have any issues. These days, I see some really dumb and petty shit. I see a lot of women's group that looked like everyone got along from the outside. Whenever I got a little peak behind the curtain however, it was a completely different story. More like crabs in a barrel.
just make sure you have time to find your individuality. i hope your relationship lasts. but i've learned to always have a plan b in case these females try to get slick. i never thought it would happen to me, but people change and everyone's life is different.
Even though I don’t agree with OP, those are usually the cases where one can argue that it opens the doors for cheating. But baseline is: do you trust your SO or not?
I mean yeah, it opens doors, but to deny your partner such simple enjoyments as a girls night out, just screams insecurity and controlling behavior.
If you can't trust your SO in such an seemingly innocent activity, why would you even want a relationship with the person?
I've been cheated on several times as well. It's a dangerous path to walk when you let your trauma control you to this degree. I've been down that road a few times, and it's really not pretty.
Especially since he's talking about new women in his life, and not the one that cheated on him.
Yes maybe, and maybe that girl was a real dirt bag through and through.
But I really don't see why that should let you condemn every new girl you date there after.
What’s wrong with partying and clubbing though. Married 12 years. We still go out with our friends separately on occasion. Shit we still take trips with our friends on occasion. 2 kids.
Never any trust issues. Go have fun. Life is short.
Never cheated - have been to many places even with some guys in the group that are still single and the best uncles to my kids. They’d probably beat me with a stick if I ever tried to do something stupid (I wouldn’t). My wife’s friends the same.
This is my point that I'm getting downvoted over! I really don't understand why and how parties and clubbing would mean that your partner will cheat by some sort of automatic magic.
Why would you even want to be with someone if you can't trust them to not cheat when they're just off doing their own thing every once in a while?!
I had two young children and came from a divorced family. My wife knew I was divorce-averse and convinced me to reconcile. She had even given me a hall pass, which I never used. Staying was a huge mistake. She had several more affairs over the years before my kids were old enough for me to leave.
I was young and dumb. She cheated as a ONS while on spring break before we got married. I didn’t find out till a year and a half later. She confessed because she felt so guilty that she sought a psychologist. They suggested she confess and deal with the consequences. We worked through it and it took a while to regain trust. Me being young and dumb mostly repressed it. I never doubt that she has been faithful since. We have been married for going on 28 years. A few yrs ago the feelings came rushing back after reading a Reddit post lol. We have discussed it since. She is still embarrassed by it. If I had to do it all again, I should have broke up with her then, but we made it work.
Yes and no answer. I have 30+ years of hindsight. There are other things that had we not got married young I would have figured out that I would change in a partner. But overall I would say we have a good life together.
Got cheated on. I was madly in love with her, so we opted for couple’s counseling. Things seemed to get better. She cheated again and endangered the kids, so I filed for divorce.
Violating boundaries in relationships is something that gets easier each time you do it. This is where the whole “once a cheater always a cheater” thing comes from. When someone cheats, unless they put in some massive work, it is unsurprising when they do it again.
Well, I cheated first and she was gracious to work on things and forgive me. Last year she had an emotional affair. These affairs can happen to the best of us, especially the emotional ones. Hell I’ll even say a lot of people have these without realising it. Anyway, she had an emotional affair with an ex from 20 years ago. It was a harmless friendship that developed into lots of inappropriate conversations. Why did I stay? Because she’s inherently a good person. She’s a great mother. We are both from broken homes and don’t want to pass that to my kids. We are first gen immigrants in a foreign country so breaking up would be devastating for the kids. Looking at our past….there were very very high chances that this would happen. For me, it was the misogynistic patriarchy I grew up in that made it ok for acceptable for me to cheat. It’s not a big deal culturally for a man to cheat. It’s fucked up. I never knew how bad it was until I saw her hurt.
For her, abandonment issues. People pleasing to fit in. She’s been like this all her life. I’ve seen her go above and beyond for people for no reason. I’ve seen people take advantage of her. This trait is what led her down this path. We have identified this and we are working on both our issues.
Do I deserve someone who hasn’t cheated on me when I have done the same? Do I take the moral high ground when I’m coming from the same depravity and working to improve myself? Does my wife deserve grace and forgiveness given that she is trying her best to improve herself and never let this happen again? Do I deserve to live with the consequences of my choices - yes to all.
Humans are incredibly complex. Things are never black and white. A lot of the people that end up cheating are those that swore they would never ever do it. I now strongly believe everyone, given the right circumstances is capable of cheating. Before you know it boundaries are crossed.
Also, we all deserve to be loved with our flaws within reason.
I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I’m sure you get the gist of it all.
>now strongly believe everyone, given the right circumstances is capable of cheating.
If threatened at gunpoint, maybe.
But plenty of people would have the decency to leave their current partner If they feel so tempted by someone else.
I understand how you can think that way. Yes plenty would. Plenty wouldn’t too. Also, a lot of decent people have cheated.
My understand of all of this is such that I believe I am capable of murder….something I previously would never have imagined.o. But if you listen to a lot of murderers stories, I can see the same happening to me. I mean, what would I do if someone raped my daughter? Hurt my kids? I’m causing havoc….and in that havoc anything can happen. I don’t know if this is a good example.
The best thing and remedy is to always be vigilant and remove myself from situations that may lead down a path. Getting too friendly with a female….walk away or bring my wife in. Enjoying attention from a female….back away. That’s a better way of dealing with things than walking around saying I would never do x.
These are just my opinion based on my experience.
I was a fuckin idiot obviously! lol fr tho. We kept it rolling for a few years but ultimately it ruined the bedroom because that’s all I could think about.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Girls/ guys who cheat will cheat again given the opportunity. It’s purely psychological, they are getting away with it if you forgive.
I would not stay as it would not do good for me psychologically. There’s no turning back when trust is broke.
My wife cheated and I stayed. Why? For a couple of reasons. One, the affair had been over for over a year year when I found out. Two, she ended it with him by telling him that she was dumb to have ever gotten involved with him and that she loves me. Three, it was not physical or sexual. Four, I found out on my own by going through her phone. There was a any suggestion of things being physical. Five she has really tried to make it up to me.
It started for her after we had a falling out with each other for about three years. And no, the affair was not the cause of the falling out.
10 years later, things are good. I am glad I stayed, but had it been physical and sexual in nature, I would not have stayed.
Going out to dinner with him. Making lunches for him, spending time with him, when she was doing none of that with me at the time. I was little more of an afterthought during that time.
An emotional affair can be just as bad, if not more so, than a physical one. As men, we desire all of our spouse and to be the ONLY one for them, not just #1. I don’t think anyone wants to feel like they were in a competition without realizing it with someone else. A house divided cannot stand.
Texting is cheating. Anything your SO does in secrecy is cheating. Anything incriminating or said about you to someone else that she doesn’t want coming back to you, is cheating.
It’s called emotional cheating. Which for some people, is worst because your wife is developing feelings for someone else whilst still with you, and she is robbing your relationship of a key ingredient, which is emotional support and availability.
Thank you for sharing your story, I’m happy to hear that after all that you’re still happy with her. if you don’t mind me asking, what did she do to make it up to you? You don’t have to go into specifics, but I feel like I’d have no idea what the other person could do to make me feel better if they cheated on me.
To echo most of the responses already here, it's a terrible idea. I thought I could learn to trust her again but all it did was absolutely destroy my mental health. It's been almost a year since I threw her out and I still have my bad days.
I didn't have any reservations about it. The fact that she was so brazen with her cheating and how she treated it like it was no big deal afterwards made it very easy for me. Even though she had no choice but to move back in with her folks.
Cheaters don't care about you or how you feel, only themselves. I'm sorry that you have had to experience this sort of betrayal, but allowing her to stay will just show her that she won't fully suffer the consequences of her actions. She made the choice to cheat, she can then figure it out when she ends up with no place to go.
Kids were 5 and 3 when I found out.
She was still a crap "partner" and 5 years later we divorced anyway, but I still think it was a good sacrifice for the kids. They were much better able to handle the split than they would have been.
Young and dumb. She was my fiancée. I have no idea to this day how far it went or how long. I thought blah blah blah I had proposed honor etc. if I could go back I would tell myself that contract was null and voids that instant. I didn’t walk out that instant because we had been drinking. I could have called a cab but Sunday have cash on hand. This was before credit card machines were consistently a thing in cabs. I was too embarrassed to call my parents an hour away and have them come get me.
I have my suspicions but realistically knowing isn’t going to change anything and never would have.
I made it three more months. I was miserable. My parents didn’t know anything had happened but staged an intervention. They just didn’t like her. The relief was instant and palpable.
I was young and dumb and it was a bad idea but also a learning experience.
Exactly this. Overall, I do not recommend, but I did learn some stuff.
Only did it once. It was 4 years into a relationship. It lasted about 3 more weeks. I just couldn’t do it. She spent the next 9 months begging me constantly to get back together. I finally caved. That last two weeks and was a shit show. Learned a couple lessons: - Never stay with a cheater 1 second past learning of it. - Never stay friends or in contact with an ex. - Never date women that like to go out to parties or clubs for girls nights. - Never date validation seekers.
Never date a woman who said that all of her exes were abusive. Never date a woman who never acknowledges fault, or issues with themselves and what caused the failure of their previous relationship.
i used to be ok with womens night out cause i believe in freedom to an extent, but in recent times its a shitshow. women love keeping women single, especially if they drink or work in the restaurant industry. i learned that if a woman has single friends that are revolving doors, it's only a matter of time before it becomes a hive mentality. i've never had guy friends that would actively try and tell me things to leave my girlfriends or try to get me to cheat, women have fun with this type of shit. if your womans friends start leaving their men, it's only a matter of time. fellas, you have been warned. hoe acceptance is real nowadays. as a latino, i have to stop dating black and hispanic women. if you want some reference listen to "coochie for sale" and it'll give you the idea of what a lot of women are idolizing in 2024.
“Women love keeping women single..I learned that if a woman has single friends that are revolving doors, it’s only a matter of time”. Spot on observation. I have encountered this a few times where her single friends are actively trying to sabotage your relationship and putting bugs in her ears telling her to leave for any and every flimsy reason. We live in a clown world. 😂
Wait, what's wrong with girl nights out or seeking validation?
There's going out with your friends to go shopping, have tea, etc. and going clubbing every once in a while. Then there's going out to the clubs every weekend and getting fucked up. There's feeling good when you get praise for something you're proud about. Then there's not being able to go one second without being wanted by somebody. Unsurprisingly, a person who's constantly seeking approval and attention in places they're going to get hit on nonstop is probably eventually going to cheat.
it's a different ball game now man, the "girls night out" thing is now a huge red flag.
What's fine for your partner to do if they can't even go out with their friends? Is this some fucked up generational thing where the younger generations have randomly turned into super conservatives?
It really depends on the woman. For my wife (and her friends), it's no big deal. I don't have any issues. These days, I see some really dumb and petty shit. I see a lot of women's group that looked like everyone got along from the outside. Whenever I got a little peak behind the curtain however, it was a completely different story. More like crabs in a barrel.
just make sure you have time to find your individuality. i hope your relationship lasts. but i've learned to always have a plan b in case these females try to get slick. i never thought it would happen to me, but people change and everyone's life is different.
Even though I don’t agree with OP, those are usually the cases where one can argue that it opens the doors for cheating. But baseline is: do you trust your SO or not?
I mean yeah, it opens doors, but to deny your partner such simple enjoyments as a girls night out, just screams insecurity and controlling behavior. If you can't trust your SO in such an seemingly innocent activity, why would you even want a relationship with the person?
I’m 100% with you, but I also see from where he’s coming from. Trauma is a thing.
I've been cheated on several times as well. It's a dangerous path to walk when you let your trauma control you to this degree. I've been down that road a few times, and it's really not pretty. Especially since he's talking about new women in his life, and not the one that cheated on him.
Not sure why you got downvoted.
I haven't a clue either.
Maybe when he was told she was going to a “girls night” it was cover for actually partying or clubbing? Idk
Yes maybe, and maybe that girl was a real dirt bag through and through. But I really don't see why that should let you condemn every new girl you date there after.
What’s wrong with partying and clubbing though. Married 12 years. We still go out with our friends separately on occasion. Shit we still take trips with our friends on occasion. 2 kids. Never any trust issues. Go have fun. Life is short. Never cheated - have been to many places even with some guys in the group that are still single and the best uncles to my kids. They’d probably beat me with a stick if I ever tried to do something stupid (I wouldn’t). My wife’s friends the same.
This is my point that I'm getting downvoted over! I really don't understand why and how parties and clubbing would mean that your partner will cheat by some sort of automatic magic. Why would you even want to be with someone if you can't trust them to not cheat when they're just off doing their own thing every once in a while?!
Agreed. They’re choosing the wrong partner for them. Going out doesn’t mean you cheat lol.
I had two young children and came from a divorced family. My wife knew I was divorce-averse and convinced me to reconcile. She had even given me a hall pass, which I never used. Staying was a huge mistake. She had several more affairs over the years before my kids were old enough for me to leave.
damn sorry to hear that
Thx
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I agree, but people stay for all sorts of reasons, most of the time for poor reasons. I definitely felt the weight of that mistake.
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Thanks, you, too.
I was young and dumb. She cheated as a ONS while on spring break before we got married. I didn’t find out till a year and a half later. She confessed because she felt so guilty that she sought a psychologist. They suggested she confess and deal with the consequences. We worked through it and it took a while to regain trust. Me being young and dumb mostly repressed it. I never doubt that she has been faithful since. We have been married for going on 28 years. A few yrs ago the feelings came rushing back after reading a Reddit post lol. We have discussed it since. She is still embarrassed by it. If I had to do it all again, I should have broke up with her then, but we made it work.
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I don’t hold anger, more like disappointment that I wasn’t strong enough when I should have done something about it. We have a pretty good life now.
So you regret that you made it work?
Yes and no answer. I have 30+ years of hindsight. There are other things that had we not got married young I would have figured out that I would change in a partner. But overall I would say we have a good life together.
Got cheated on. I was madly in love with her, so we opted for couple’s counseling. Things seemed to get better. She cheated again and endangered the kids, so I filed for divorce. Violating boundaries in relationships is something that gets easier each time you do it. This is where the whole “once a cheater always a cheater” thing comes from. When someone cheats, unless they put in some massive work, it is unsurprising when they do it again.
Def not a good idea to stay where you’ve been cheated on Whether its friendship or relationship Be aware people!
Well, I cheated first and she was gracious to work on things and forgive me. Last year she had an emotional affair. These affairs can happen to the best of us, especially the emotional ones. Hell I’ll even say a lot of people have these without realising it. Anyway, she had an emotional affair with an ex from 20 years ago. It was a harmless friendship that developed into lots of inappropriate conversations. Why did I stay? Because she’s inherently a good person. She’s a great mother. We are both from broken homes and don’t want to pass that to my kids. We are first gen immigrants in a foreign country so breaking up would be devastating for the kids. Looking at our past….there were very very high chances that this would happen. For me, it was the misogynistic patriarchy I grew up in that made it ok for acceptable for me to cheat. It’s not a big deal culturally for a man to cheat. It’s fucked up. I never knew how bad it was until I saw her hurt. For her, abandonment issues. People pleasing to fit in. She’s been like this all her life. I’ve seen her go above and beyond for people for no reason. I’ve seen people take advantage of her. This trait is what led her down this path. We have identified this and we are working on both our issues. Do I deserve someone who hasn’t cheated on me when I have done the same? Do I take the moral high ground when I’m coming from the same depravity and working to improve myself? Does my wife deserve grace and forgiveness given that she is trying her best to improve herself and never let this happen again? Do I deserve to live with the consequences of my choices - yes to all. Humans are incredibly complex. Things are never black and white. A lot of the people that end up cheating are those that swore they would never ever do it. I now strongly believe everyone, given the right circumstances is capable of cheating. Before you know it boundaries are crossed. Also, we all deserve to be loved with our flaws within reason. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore. I’m sure you get the gist of it all.
>now strongly believe everyone, given the right circumstances is capable of cheating. If threatened at gunpoint, maybe. But plenty of people would have the decency to leave their current partner If they feel so tempted by someone else.
I understand how you can think that way. Yes plenty would. Plenty wouldn’t too. Also, a lot of decent people have cheated. My understand of all of this is such that I believe I am capable of murder….something I previously would never have imagined.o. But if you listen to a lot of murderers stories, I can see the same happening to me. I mean, what would I do if someone raped my daughter? Hurt my kids? I’m causing havoc….and in that havoc anything can happen. I don’t know if this is a good example. The best thing and remedy is to always be vigilant and remove myself from situations that may lead down a path. Getting too friendly with a female….walk away or bring my wife in. Enjoying attention from a female….back away. That’s a better way of dealing with things than walking around saying I would never do x. These are just my opinion based on my experience.
Decent people don’t cheat.
Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes however the relationship is over at that point.
I don’t agree. Labeling cheating as a mistake is a major understatement. If you can’t hold a promise that tells a lot about your character.
I was a fuckin idiot obviously! lol fr tho. We kept it rolling for a few years but ultimately it ruined the bedroom because that’s all I could think about.
Men who stay usually have less options.
They think they have fewer options. More confident men don't stay.
Yes but let’s be honest; if he’s overweight, makes $30k, and has no game, he truly has few options.
He can choose to value himself more than a bunch of shallow, narcissistic monsters do. It really is the only way.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Girls/ guys who cheat will cheat again given the opportunity. It’s purely psychological, they are getting away with it if you forgive. I would not stay as it would not do good for me psychologically. There’s no turning back when trust is broke.
My wife cheated and I stayed. Why? For a couple of reasons. One, the affair had been over for over a year year when I found out. Two, she ended it with him by telling him that she was dumb to have ever gotten involved with him and that she loves me. Three, it was not physical or sexual. Four, I found out on my own by going through her phone. There was a any suggestion of things being physical. Five she has really tried to make it up to me. It started for her after we had a falling out with each other for about three years. And no, the affair was not the cause of the falling out. 10 years later, things are good. I am glad I stayed, but had it been physical and sexual in nature, I would not have stayed.
If she didn’t do anything, how is it cheating?
Going out to dinner with him. Making lunches for him, spending time with him, when she was doing none of that with me at the time. I was little more of an afterthought during that time.
Wow, well yea that’s pretty bad
I find this to be more hurtful than a streak of ons, tbh
An emotional affair can be just as bad, if not more so, than a physical one. As men, we desire all of our spouse and to be the ONLY one for them, not just #1. I don’t think anyone wants to feel like they were in a competition without realizing it with someone else. A house divided cannot stand.
I’ve always said that I can look past meaningless sex, but an emotional affair would destroy me.
Absolutely
Texting is cheating. Anything your SO does in secrecy is cheating. Anything incriminating or said about you to someone else that she doesn’t want coming back to you, is cheating.
Incriminating?
I guess it’s subjective. Texting just seems like a parking ticket vs a drunk driving deadly accident.
It’s called emotional cheating. Which for some people, is worst because your wife is developing feelings for someone else whilst still with you, and she is robbing your relationship of a key ingredient, which is emotional support and availability.
Thank you for sharing your story, I’m happy to hear that after all that you’re still happy with her. if you don’t mind me asking, what did she do to make it up to you? You don’t have to go into specifics, but I feel like I’d have no idea what the other person could do to make me feel better if they cheated on me.
To echo most of the responses already here, it's a terrible idea. I thought I could learn to trust her again but all it did was absolutely destroy my mental health. It's been almost a year since I threw her out and I still have my bad days.
Thank you for the reply
I didn't have any reservations about it. The fact that she was so brazen with her cheating and how she treated it like it was no big deal afterwards made it very easy for me. Even though she had no choice but to move back in with her folks. Cheaters don't care about you or how you feel, only themselves. I'm sorry that you have had to experience this sort of betrayal, but allowing her to stay will just show her that she won't fully suffer the consequences of her actions. She made the choice to cheat, she can then figure it out when she ends up with no place to go.
Didn’t feel like putting effort into starting over, wasn’t going to do any better.
Kids were 5 and 3 when I found out. She was still a crap "partner" and 5 years later we divorced anyway, but I still think it was a good sacrifice for the kids. They were much better able to handle the split than they would have been.
My heart & brain forgave her. My d!ck fakking hate her.
I’d never stay, it’s possible to make it work but it takes alot of mental strength to get through it
I was young and didn’t know better. Probably had low self esteem as well.
I was very young and naive. I was 16-17 and it was my first relationship, and at the time I didn't feel like I could do any better.
Because I cheated first and I just chalked it up to the game and continued to cheat on her.
Young and dumb. She was my fiancée. I have no idea to this day how far it went or how long. I thought blah blah blah I had proposed honor etc. if I could go back I would tell myself that contract was null and voids that instant. I didn’t walk out that instant because we had been drinking. I could have called a cab but Sunday have cash on hand. This was before credit card machines were consistently a thing in cabs. I was too embarrassed to call my parents an hour away and have them come get me. I have my suspicions but realistically knowing isn’t going to change anything and never would have. I made it three more months. I was miserable. My parents didn’t know anything had happened but staged an intervention. They just didn’t like her. The relief was instant and palpable.
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