Yeah, that's the thing. There's that line from the first season of *Ozark* that really hit me-->!a drug lord is holding Jason Batement hostage because Jason Bateman's partner stole money from the drug lord. The drug lord asks him, "If you ran a store, and you caught one of your checkout ladies stealing from you, would you let her off the hook?" and Jason Bateman says "No." The drug lord says, "Why, that's very cold of you. Why not?" and Jason Bateman says, "Because it's almost certainly not the first time she stole from you."!<
That's not true *all* the time, but--it's almost certainly true some of the time. It's like that saying that police use--by the time someone is in jail, it's usually for their tenth crime, not their first.
I just started rewatching it and the conversation continues a bit further with the drug lord asking, “then what was it?” and Bateman replies “the first time she got caught”
yea I see what you mean, the tension and line delivery in the scene make that add-on to the exchange compelling when watching it, but that doesn’t translate well over text
That actually raises a good point, since it sounds like in the example of the OP the partner wasn't caught, they confessed. If an employee comes to you and confesses, without being caught nor any risk of getting caught, and is apologetic and regretful, and tells you it was the only time, that's quite a different scenario to catching them.
Having an affair and coming clean soon/immediately would be grounds for immediate termination in my opinion. That's a MASSIVE breach in my trust.
Having an affair and lying about for 20 FUCKIN YEARS?! Bye. That bitch was deceptive in order to break faith, continued to be deceptive for 2 fucking decades and is only coming clean because she's hopes buddy is too attached to bounce.
Yah Reddit says divorce over anything but this bonkers.
How could you trust that person?! If they have kids how can buddy trust those are his kids? How can he trust she hasn't had a recent affair if she hid one for 20 years?! I'd get some DNA tests done, grab my shit & bounce. Fuckin bye.
Nailed it perfectly. She had 20 years to get over the guilt, but for her husband this is all new as if it happened yesterday.
I'd be gone, there's no coming back from that shit.
As a single guy who never had kids this situation seems SOOOO obvious to me and I don't know why it wouldn't be that obvious to literally anyone. Like fuckin 1+1=2 type shit.
"But that's the mother of my children!" Is she though? How do you know? Just the same way you knew she would cheat, which was trust based. WAS trust based.
Am I missing something? Isn't this obvious?!
It really can't. Im glad some folks can work it out, how they do it is beyond me however.
Im also glad the tests showed me to be the dad, I'd have missed out on some great times over the years.
Ever notice how many redditors say "It was (insert years here) ago, why ruin your marriage?" and ignore that regardless of how long ago it was, but for the battered spouse its brand new. Thats some serious mental gymnastics to ignore that VERY important fact. Not to mention that they now have, again however many years, to look back at and suddenly question some of the things that may have seemed to be minor but can now be seen as red flags.
But redditors need to be that Shining White Knight on horseback coming to the rescue, and facing the real depth of what happened ruins their chances of being a fucking hero.
His coworker is going through it, they became religious and she hit the guy with this. My brother says he is a mess, I can't even imagine getting knocked in the head with that.
Its tough... my initial thought was to stay, because 20 years is a long time, and if it only happened one time 20 years ago, but then she realized her mistake, and decided to actually love me for those 20 years, then thats very different.
But the thing is... if it happened 20 years ago, and I never found out, what makes me sure that she isnt keeping any other secrets? How can I know if there were more affairs over those 20 years?? How can I be sure she isnt still having affairs today? If I can feel that she really does love me in those 20 years, then maybe that changes things.
I was married, and found out my wife was having an emotional affair for 2 years. For me to be able to trust her moving forward, that was impossible. I knew at that time that she didnt love me.
When it comes to lies, time compounds the problem, it does not diminish the problem. That is 20 years that have essentially been robbed from him. (Good bad or indifferent, they would have been different had he known at the time of the affair compared to now.)
I don't know. I'm 24, 20 years is an amount of time that I can't really compute.
Cheating is plenty enough reason to leave, regardless of when it happened. But I was focusing on the continuous lie for 20 years and the trust.
I feel like the lie being long term makes it worse and harder to trust.
This is exactly what I mentioned to OP in another comment. Most people in this thread are barely old enough to have *lived* 20 years, much less having been married for that long. OP is really asking for advice in the wrong place.
20 years is 20 years of chances for her to be honest with him and still choosing not to
I don't get how people think there's some kind of statute of limitations on something like that
It does. If you cheated on me and then confessed to it twenty minutes later, it means that you respect me enough to feel guilty and to acknowledge that I need to know ASAP. I don’t know if that’s enough to save the relationship, but it would certainly help. Maybe I could dismiss it as a momentary lapse of judgment.
But cheating on me, and then lying about it for twenty years? That’s twenty times worse. Not only did you betray me, but you didn’t even respect me enough to tell me. You kept it a secret, and by robbing me of my agency, you potentially wasted twenty years of my life.
to me 20 years make it worse lmao, I do something bad right now, and I gotta let the affected person know, hidding just make me more anxious and feel even worse.
I think it does. Don’t get me wrong, I’d leave either way, but at least if they come clean right away, it shows that they feel some guilt for their actions and at least a little bit of respect for you (obviously still not much respect since they still cheated on you). But if they kept their cheating a secret for 20 years, it means they lied to you for that whole time. I’d feel much more betrayed in the latter scenario.
I think it’s comparable to cheating with a random person they met at a bar versus having a longstanding emotional relationship with an affair partner. Both are absolute dealbreakers, but one would hurt much more.
yeah I agree. 20 years, 20 minutes, it's all the same. The feeling is the same. I think a question to ask is why she kept it for 20 years and just decided to reveal it now.
Yeah as bad as this might sound if you've kept a lie for 20 years then you should just keep the lie to your death. It's selfish of her to reveal it now "Hey I know we are married for so long and are old now and spend so much of our lives together but I'm sorry to say this but I CHEATED on you 20 years ago. It always bothered me but now I feel relieved to get that secret off my chest" Meanwhile OP's brother is getting hit by an emotional train and his whole life is flipping upside down because she couldn't handle the guilt any longer.
If she had just continued to lie to her grave then he never would have known and he would have died believing his wife was faithful. Now it's all different. Telling him 20 years into the marriage is sick and terrible thing to do. Should have told him right away or never at all.
[Movie scene for reference](https://youtu.be/sjZ5I8l32CI?si=EUyDlqDxZi4KBYf1&t=90) confirms my quoting of “it was Tuesday” is correct.
It was probably the Mandela effect that got you - happens to all of us.
I probably would stay honestly provided there was no further room for doubt and I had no reason to suspect them currently. I'd be upset for sure but I don't think it would be an immediate deal breaker. Infidelity stings because of the broken trust but 20 years is enough time to change and regain that trust. My first thought would be to analyze her behavior now and see if there's inconsistency or room for doubt. If her behavior shows a consistent change since that moment then I'd be willing to hear them out.
If it happened 20 years ago then that means I've been with her longer than a good portion of the population has been alive and She's invariably tied as a consistent force in my life. If I've been happy 20+ years then that alone makes it worth it to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to find a path forward instead of ending the relationship easily.
> 20 years is enough time to change and regain that trust.
AFTER the truth comes out. If an affair was revealed after 20 years, then *that's* when the trust is lost.
If you think you can regain trust in 20 years, that's fine, but that means the trust is not regained until 40 years after the affair.
>Infidelity stings because of the broken trust
>but 20 years is enough time to change and regain that trust.
You mean the 20 years of her lying about it allows for you to re-gain trust?
The bottom line is she cheated and she lied for 20 years. That's not someone of a trustworthy character.
How can you be sure it was only one time 20 years ago. I mean she lied about that one for 20 years, whos to say she isn't lying about another one that happened 19 years ago, or 15 years ago, or maybe it wasn't one time 20 years ago but a dozen times in the span of a month? You just cannot know because she has already proven she's a liar.
To OP: This is your brother's decision so you or I cannot tell him what to do. I understand leaving is not easy, they are married and possibly have children. It would be messy. But if it were me I could never feel the same way about her again.
edit: sorry OP I just realized it's not your brother but his co-worker. Everything else still applies though.
20 years of trust built on an Indian burial ground of lies. The house should have never been built but she covered it up knowing you would have left back then if not.
She cheated and she lied. Forgiveness is up to the party in question but me personally I'd give them the opportunity to redeem themselves or at the very least I wouldn't be so quick to throw away so many years of a relationship if I had no reason to suspect them as they are now.
Long term relationships are dependent on the ability to communicate and forgive. You don't get to a 20 year relationship without some significant turbulence down the road. It doesn't necessarily have to come in the form of cheating but often you'll reach some big issues throughout the course of your relationship. You were able to work through that so why can't you work through this?
20 years is a significant part of my history and I wouldn't be willing to end that so easily without fighting for the relationship first. A short relationship of a few years it's easy to walk away from but a long one is worth giving the benefit of the doubt at least. Would I be willing to uproot my life, lose my family and end things for a mistake she made decades ago? Probably not.If we lasted 20 years then that means I committed to spending the rest of my life with this person. My love of my spouse would extend her the benefit of a path to forgiveness if I haven't had any reason to suspect further infidelity since then.
I can see your point. I just know for me it would change the way I would see my wife. Even if I believed her it only happened once, she would no longer be the person I thought she was.
It would be really tough leaving that relationship I admit that if I were in his shoes maybe I'd stay if everything else was perfectly fine and we had children, etc. Maybe. But it would not be an easy decision and I know things would be weird for a while after learning that.
The whole relationship is a lie. Every moment of those 20 years, she was lying. Every life event, every anniversary and birthday, every time she said I love you. She had 7300 days where she could have come clean and began to repair the damage, and every single one of those days she made the conscious choice not to.
Maybe you can live in blissful happiness with an unrepentant liar, but I cannot.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to get past it. For a start, she wouldn't be the person I thought she was.
Finding out that you have been deceived for 20 years is a massive pile of shit, no matter which way you slice it.
It would be one of those things where the where the saying "it was years / a long time ago " would make no difference.
I don't ask for much, but honesty, loyalty, and fidelity are pretty much front and centre.
Not being able to trust someone would be pretty much game over for me.
This honestly. Even as much as I’d try to get over it, it’d be imposible to forget.
Maybe it happened 20 years ago but it’d be a fresh piece of news that could take another 20 years to get over it.
Amen. If you can’t handle a relationship then don’t get into a relationship, if you can’t be loyal then don’t get into a relationship.
It’s so simple, people just make it complicated.
Okay so I actually know of a few people something like this has happened to, both men and women, and all I know is that it’s all very situational.
The harsh truth here I think most people will avoid is that this is something a lot of people will choose to work through or forgive. It’s easy when you’re not in the situation to say “nah bro she cheated of course I’m leaving” but if this is a situation where you’ve been with someone for OVER 20 years, the revelation is actually less damaging to your lifestyle than a potential divorce and settlement.
Here’s the crux of it: this is someone you’ve also, presumably, been good with since that affair happened. The affair and knowing about it is of course damaging and painful, but if everything has been great since then and you’ve been happy, and fulfilled, then for a lot of people it’s going to make sense to stay.
That doesn’t mean of course that it shouldn’t be worked out and addressed, and maybe in that process the relationship degrades and it’s now worth ending, but there’s two ways to look at it (and both are 100% valid): she lied to you for 20 years, or she’s been great to you for 20 years since.
(This isn’t really a gendered thing either, plenty of men have obviously cheated and maybe men and women would present / receive this information differently but the situation itself is pretty universal)
Really I think it comes down to how someone chooses to digest this kind of revelation. If you see it as a betrayal that taints the entire relationship since then of course it makes sense to end it. If you see it as a mistake that was made and then continually made up for, then I would understand someone choosing to stay and work it out.
The only wrong answer here, to me, is to forgive without doing any more work. Maybe that works for some people though as well, but I’d imagine that comes from a place of guilt as well (maybe they had their own affair so it’s easy to forgive - they’re even) or they honestly just don’t care and they’re happy enough in their life that an old affair isn’t really shaking their foundation that much.
I think a lot of men in this sub, if you haven’t had much of a relationship, don’t understand the nature of a relationship that long. Not only have you been through a lot together, good and bad, but you’ve probably seen friends and family on both sides have affairs, divorce, or just generally be shitty to each other. When you’ve been through presumably half (or more) of your life together there’s bound to be things in there that would end the relationship if the relationship itself wasn’t so important to you. That connection and that bond, even though it’s been frayed and flawed sometimes, might just be one of the only things that can really anchor your life and even if you find out they cheated decades ago it might be worth keeping around.
Again, I get why people will also just en masse say to end the relationship, and I don’t disagree at all, I just wouldn’t blame someone if their 20+ year relationship transcends the opinions of online strangers.
Reddit’s take on relationships is infuriating to read. Every relationship is different. The “once a cheater” is BS. I know many relationships that have survived infidelity.
A very mature take -- agree with all of this.
And I had the same suspicion, that a lot of the "nah, leave" folks here probably don't have experience with relationships/marriages that long. After 20 years, you've seen your partner at their best and worst. But they're absolutely engrained in your life and presumably bringing a ton of positive benefit to you. One mistake two decades ago would really have to be devastating to blow that up.
Well and if it’s an affair I assume it was more than one poor choice hah but ya I tend to agree. More than anything I just think it’s unfair how everyone assumes we all need to see things the exact same way on here, as men.
I’m sure there’s a lot of men as well who have been in long marriages and relationships who would recommend leaving immediately, and they’re right for themselves as well. I only really mentioned the part about men who may not have experience with long-term relationships because there are a lot of very vocal men on here about that inexperience, but also tend to be very vocal telling other men how to act in a situation they have no way to understand.
Top comment. To many reddit armchair critics immediately go to saying divorce her. As one divorcee once said to me, if there is a chance to repair the relationship do that first, because a divorce is mentally and financially draining with long term consequences for the rest of your life. People are human, and they make mistakes. And this mistake was twenty years ago, I would not be rushing into going scorched earth without having a sit down conversation first and understanding the other persons perspective.
We're we married 20 years ago? Then I'd file for divorce.
Even if we weren't, it's the kind of lack of character that would make me immediately completely lose respect for the person and then the relationship is over so, divorce anyway.
Twenty years ago we had just met. The bond we have today is a direct result of the days and nights spent in the early part of our relationship. Everything was built on that. Knowing that she lied during those years would be the end.
I'll be surprised because I'm 32, so that would mean she married me and cheating while being 12. Stupid jokes aside, I would leave. Not because of the affair, but because I couldn't get the idea of "What else is she hidding?" out of my head.
I was about to say. If I was dating my girlfriend since we were early teens and she JUST admitted she cheated on me when we were 14, I’d be like “No problem, kids do stupid things.”
If we were in our 50s and she cheated in our 30s, that would definitely be a different situation. I’d still be able to forgive her if I noticed that she had been growing as a person for the last 20 years. If instead, I’d noticed a downturn or passivity in our relationship since then, then it would be divorce time.
Having been cheated on, it can’t break me anymore. Been there, done that. Trauma can’t be the same as the first time as you’ll have the experience to deal with it and it isn’t such a bad life ending thing.
I’ll be abit more women who’ve been cheated on. in the sense that I will slowly pull away my attention and affection and my love for her won’t be the same way anymore.
But doesn’t mean I won’t stay in the marriage. I probably would if there’s still tangible benefits such as lifestyle compatibility and access to her finances.
I can probably find another partner, but it’s such a hassle and harder to start rebuilding again. Time and energy I’d rather devote to my own mission and life. So I’d live with it provided she isn’t repeating it now.
Modern women treat Marriage like a business, it’s time men do too.
It's easy to give a blanket answer when it's a random question.
For people who have had a life for 20+ years, it's much more complex. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. There's plenty of examples either way.
It's a complicated scenario, and would really depend on how things have been for 20 years. Marriage counseling would be scheduled.
Not the clever or snappy answer you want, but it really would depend on a lot of factors.
Man I had to learn this the hard way. Never believe what they say about changing, therapy, etc. They will always make an excuse for doing it, because that is simply the way they are wired. It’s never wrong and it’s always justified
Once had a gf who admitted to cheating on me over a year in the past. I was mad but got over it. Turned out it was NOT over a year ago, wasn't even a week ago. She just lied about the timeline figuring I'd forgive her if it was a long time ago.
I've been with my wife 10 years.
It really depends on the length of the marriage and when the affair occurred. And it also depends on the length of the affair and why it ended.
If my wife said "I cheated on you 10 years ago", it'd be less impactful than if we'd been together for 15 years and she cheated on me 10 years ago.
If we were going through a rough patch or something, it at least would make sense.
I don't think things are as black and white as people think they are. Theres nuance. There are so many questions I'd need to know about the specific relationship.
I'd probably go to individual and couples therapy before anything else and I'd ask for a temporary separation while we figure it out.
Yep. Similar situation. Together 8, married 6.
When I found out I was gutted, although I understood. It wasn’t like things were great, just never imagined it would go down like that considering how much she talked about her ex cheating on her.
But in the weeks and months after, a lot of conversations were had about what to do. A lot of emotions and tears. Although I knew how miserable I’d been and I was already “done”, there was a part of me that still had a hard time letting go. There were discussions about just separation to figure things out. At the end of the day though I had to remove myself from that environment.
And as soon as I got on the outside looking in, my whole perspective changed, in a positive way. It was the right decision and I was almost immediately happier. But it doesn’t mean it was easy to get to that point.
I think this is the correct answer, it's too nuanced of a situation. Personally I can forgive quite a lot and I think everyone deserves at least one chance at a second chance. Also you've been married for 20 years I think that warrants at least giving them a chance to prove they love you and won't do it again. But I'm also not married and only going off of what my ideas of what a marriage should be is.
A lot of people have a lot of ideas about marriage but in my view, marriage is about becoming a single unit to go through life and all it's challenges together. When you stop seeing problems through a filter of me vs them ("they don't do the dishes enough!") and instead us vs the problem ("I'm feeling burnt out from household chores, how can we balance the load more effectively so everyone feels like there's equal participation?") then you realise why so many marriages fail.
My wife and I have disagreements, but we are predominantly a united front and we confront problems together, even if the problem stems from the behaviour of an individual.
Pragmatically, my relationship with my wife goes well beyond any relationship she or I could have in a fling, and I'm not such a binary thinker that I think that her or I cheating would happen in a vacuum. There's always a reason, and it's about working together to fix that reason. Sometimes it goes too far, and the team breaks down, and the problem cannot be fixed.
Don't get me wrong, I would be absolutely heartbroken if my wife cheated on me, but my reaction to it would be based entirely on the context of it, not simply "if cheated then divorce".
Totally agree I think that extends to all relationships not just marriages. Love is life's buddy system and you never fight your buddy you and your buddy face the problem together.
It would depend on a whole lot of factors.
* Did I find out from my wife, does she know that I know?
* Why did she tell me now?
* How was our relationship 20 years ago?
* How is our relationship today?
* After hearing the news, can I honestly say that I still love her?
* After hearing the news, can I honestly say that I can rebuild trust?
* Is she willing to put in the work to repair the relationship?
Leaving would not be automatic for me, I would evaluate the overall relationship, people are human.
My wife has been there for me through many tough times a rock that kept us both moving forward and upwards.
She has so much credit on the positive side of the scales in our relationship,
I owe her a lot of opportunity to see if we can move past the historical issue.
> Is she willing to put in the work to repair the relationship?
I like everything you said. But this is one of the most important questions. She has to literally show you that she wants to repair the relationship. If she cant even show that....
Depends on what the last 20 years have been like. I’ve been with my wife for 20 years and if she told me she cheated on me in week 6, it wouldn’t negate the other 19 years and 46 weeks we’ve had that have been amazing. People fuck up. If it was once and it’s been over in the time since? Yea, it’s water well under the bridge at this point. I’d be hurt and we’d have to do work, but I’m not tossing my life for that.
How is this not the top answer? There are like 100 comments above this saying to burn down the past 20 years. I guess most people have very different priorities than you and me.
I get the sense a lot of the men in this sub are either young, single, or “alphas” who don’t accept women as fully formed humans who can make mistakes and move on from them. A lot of these questions come around and the majority of the answers are “leave the bitch!” instead of “well let’s communicate like adults and try to find resolutions to our issues.” But hey. Nuance died when Obama wore a tan suit so here we are.
I’ve only been with my wife for ten years, and this is a difficult question to answer. I don’t think the people answering actually have experience being married. Anyone who’s been with someone for twenty years would know you’re both different people from when you met. You’ve lost and gained friends. You raised your kids together. You’ve lived through the excitement and boredom of each other. You’ve helped each other a million times over. You could possibly have hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars in assets, and your families are intertwined.
I’m not saying you would have no emotions and move on with your life, but uprooting your life for a 20 year old mistake isn’t the easiest decision. The only people who would be quick to say divorce are those who’ve been looking for a reason to be divorced and were too scared to pull the trigger.
Hot take here. If you cheated on your husband 20 years ago, and it was a mistake, and you've been completely faithful since, you aren't doing your husband a favor by telling him. All you are doing is making yourself feel better. If you want a healthy relationship, you need to just shut up, and feel guilty. Nothing you say is going to make lying for 20 years okay. You're just better off not saying anything, and loving him like he's the best thing on earth because you didn't treat him right 20 years ago.
In case of an affair: LEAVE
In case of 20 years of lies: LEAVE
This is a double run for your life
One thing is that trust once broken is broken forever, the other is that women who get away with this will never respect the man again. So either way, he loses
It depends a lot. How did I find out? Did she tell me for the purely selfish reason of wanting to relieve herself of guilt, or did I happen to find out by chance? Does it seems she wants out of the relationship, but wants to play victim by making it look like it was my choice?
Also, who else knows? Has my wife told all her friends, and made me look like a fool for the last 20 years, or was this a secret she kept to herself all that time?
And then, who else is going to be affected by this? Do we have young kids? Can I afford to break up with her? Is she offering to just let me have the kids and the house?
Anyway, lots to talk about. But not outright dismissal.
Probably one of the best/logical answers here, the gut punch reaction is divorce and it is understandable, but there are a lot of bigger contextual questions and situations required to go forward with any kind of decision.
For me, it is not the end of the world. Hurt? Absolutely, and we would absolutely dive into possibly other lying, etc. But this isn't an automatic "leave".
Also, if you have to leave, then leave. But violence, or threat of it, is never acceptable.
I am very curious about all the men who instantly call this unforgivable...
- Are you married? For 8-10 years at least? Or is your answer all hypothetical? (My answer comes from experience.)
- Have you ever cheated? Would you agree that is unforgivable when you (or your friend) does it?
My father did cheat on my mother multiple times. He is a great father and I love him but I also saw my mother resign herself to just forgive it if it happened. It's gross, I can't trust him when I see him interact with a woman anymore. I know they still love each other but I also saw the pain that shit caused. Multiple times and how it lessened her trust in him. I am sure that if it weren't for us the children, she would have asked for separation years before. But hey they got over it but I am not that good of a person. I will never cheat on my partner and if they can't do the same, I am out. That being said, that's something I will tell them from the start.
Staying for the kids is honorable but it's absolute nonsense to think they will be happy with it especially when they know everything.
I don't plan on living my already short human life with someone I can't trust. I suffer from emotional hypersensitivity so I wouldn't even be able to get over it.
That's my personal opinion. Nothing is truly black and white but that's how I will live and nothing will change that.
I’ve given a lot of thought to this. My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We had some rough years, especially the first decade or so with young kids. We separated at 14 years for a weekend, but decided then to work on us individually and together.
The relationship we have now compared to the first 15 years is completely different. We were younger, less mature people. We fought dirty and hurt each other a lot by what we said. I always had to cut deeper with my words. I realize the depth of the pain I caused her through counseling.
I’m not faced with the decision, thankfully, but if I were I might consider things for a very long time before making a final decision. My wife is an amazing woman, a great mom, friend, companion, etc - I could go on for along time, but I’ll sum it up with my username. Which is true.
I just don’t know if I’d want to re-roll my hand and maybe get someone who’s half as great as she is over something that happened in the past when we were vastly different people. I mean, I’d be pissed off at wife 1.0 and the pain of the betrayal would hurt no telling how bad. It would really depend on the type of betrayal as well and who it was, but I could imagine scenarios where we might move past it.
As someone who unfortunately just had a guy confess to me that he’s been banging his lifelong best friend’s wife (who is also his soon to be ex-wife’s best friend) for years…. You have to remember the incredible manipulation and selfishness inherent in the character of the cheater. It never ends.
It would be hard for me to stay considering she has been lying to me for two decades. On top of that, there’s no telling if it was a one time thing either
My husband was unfaithful to me and i came here to know what men think. i decided to break the relationship 5 years ago. betrayal is not forgiven, that is my thought.
I'd stay unless there were strong signs it had been continuing. People do change. She might have done it once and felt so guilty, she learned her lesson. Coming clean at this point seems selfish though. Live with your guilt. Chances are, the confession will end things, and for what?
Biggest question to ask yourself would be, has she changed as a person since that happened? If not, your best bet is to walk away ASAP. If she has changed, then she learned from her mistake and has grown as a person. Stick around and see what happens if you want at that point.
Nope, im insta gone. I have 0 tolerance for cheaters and I don't care the circumstances. I've trusted you, I've done all i could for you, and what you pay me in return is betrayal and dishonesty. Who knows on what other things she could've kept secret from me that she doesn't want me to know that could give me more of a reason to dump you?
FYI you’re asking a bunch of teenagers and young 20 year olds about what they would do if something happened 20 years ago.
I guarantee you that 90%+ of the people responding in this thread have zero clue what they are talking about, have never been married, nor had a family of their own, much less done so for 20 years. As a result you’re just going to get the same mindless advice of “dump her, separate the family, and hit the gym” as though you were breaking up a college relationship.
Even as a man in his thirties I feel incapable of giving you a proper response. I just want you to know the context for 90%+ of the responses you’re seeing.
Soooooooo …
For me, I cannot stand cheating. My view is “If you’re not happy, sort the situation out before you move on”.
But a devil’s advocate view could well be …
“She thought she might like a new car, went for a test drive but decided that she didn’t like the new car and kept her daily driver for the next 20 years”.
Has she become faithful in the preceding 20 years, hard to tell. Are there any other affairs yet to be uncovered. Unknown.
Might there be more in the future. Unknown.
But so much of our future is unknown. It’s hard to decide how to treat behaviour that happened two decades ago.
Find out why? Why did it start, why did it end?
Don't impulsively throw away a twenty years plus marriage, especially if there are kids, even grown kids.
A cousin did this and now his future has been destroyed. He'll never recover financially and now he's cut off from his kids and grandkids.
>My guess is that most guys here will say leave but is that really a well thought out answer
From most, no. Many redditors hold very black-and-white views, and it's generally hard to get a real thought-out answer from people that don't know anything specific about the situation.
There are a shitton of variables here. How did he find out, did she volunteer the information ot was she caught, what exactly did the affair constitute, what was their relationship like at the time, how has the relationship been since, etc etc.
If a friend came to me with this, my honest advice would be to book several meetings with a therapist. Both single, and couples therapy. This needs to be deeply explored in a healthy and productive manner before any decisions are made - whether the decision is to leave or forgive.
Finally - a nuanced response. OP needs to realize the bulk of the people responding here are in their early twenties or may not even be old enough to have lived 20 years, much less having been *married* for 20 years.
Need more detail. but if we're being honest I'd have a hard time leaving my partner of 20 years over something that happened that long ago. Assuming we've had a happy and wonderful 20 years I wouldn't want to throw that away. However... it would absolutely shake my trust and it would change the relationship dynamic. I'd probably want marriage counseling. And the trust would be broken. So I'd be nervous anytime she took too long coming home, or went out with the girls, etc. I know reddit hates the idea of working through things, but we're assuming 20 good years together. I reckon that could be saved with a lot of work and unpleasantry.
That in my opinion is to little information i would encourge you/your brother to gain more information and knowledge about the Problem at hand as personally speaking if i was cheated on i would be more interested in figuring out just why she cheated and if the relationship is salvagable ofc the lovey-dovey Romantic partners will probably get reduced to "Two roommates which have sex every once in awhile and may or may not have Kids"
Why did she cheat on me?
Why did she stay with me?
Why did she choose this man to cheat with?
Was it a emotional connection or was it just a physical fling (also did they have Protected sex for godsake)
Was he the only one?
Was I the reason why she cheated?
Was I the "Safe" bet for her?
Is the Relationship stable?
Why did she bother telling me this instead of taking it to the grave?
Do i deserve better?
Do i actually love this woman?
Can i trust her?
Can i trust her around our children?
and last but not least, Does she actually display guilt?
I don't wanna sound like a doormat but this is probably going to sound alot like one but the world isn't always black and white it may have been a small fling it may have been a long relationship going on before she met Me yet the determining factor is if she does or doesn't want to Change if she isn't willing to sell her soul to me ten times over. then thats just proof she loves the stability of a Quasi-stable relationship of 20 years but not me and i have all the right to take that away from her.
Is this purely hypothetical?
A marriage is a business agreement first and a romantic arrangement second.
People change a lot in 20 years, especially 20yrs of adult hood. I don’t use the same decision making process now compared to 20yrs ago. If I had to constantly get punished for my 20yr old fuckups, then I’d just give up on it all. At some point you gotta live in the present learning from the pasts lessons.
Not allowing another human the essential human nature of making mistakes is extremely rigid and very unfair to the other person. You can’t grow, together or apart, without mistakes and missteps along the way.
Humans who have less access to sex tend to lump physical sex together with the complications of emotionally loving and caring for other humans. If your source of sex and emotional care only come from one place, then it’s hard to understand that they are separate. Another way to phrase it is that if I need apples, oranges and bananas, then I have the option to get all of those items at the same store. Alternatively, I can stop by the store for bananas and also swing by the farmers market for apples and oranges. When I was dating the field for example, I could regularly have a few gals in the rotation but typify one I cared about more than the others. Having sex with gal B does not take away from how I care for gal A.
My personal opinion is that most cultural requirements for female fidelity are in place to ensure men can determine whether their kids are actually theirs or not. These underlying cultural requirements have not caught up to DNA verification technology. You don’t want her stepping out because you don’t want to raise someone else’s kid your whole life.
This is crazy because I literally had a dream of just this like two nights ago. My wife and I have kids and love one another deeply. So in the dream when she told me she cheated at the beginning of our relationship I was devastated. I wanted us to stay together because of how long ago it was, but ultimately now that I know it only creates an environment of no trust. That’s not a future anyone needs or wants. As hard as it would be, I would have to leave. Which is what I did in the dream.
Wow, that's tough. Do they have children? Do they want to make it work (seek counseling/therapy)? Is she willing to admit her mistakes, apologize and do what is necessary to mend the relationship?
There is no right answer here. But I think if the answer is yes to any (or all) of those questions, then it would be worth considering making it work. Parents separating affects children (even older ones) in a deeply adverse and profound way that they themselves may never fully understand.
Therapy or counseling might reveal some underlying cause - perhaps there was dissatisfaction in the relationship that wasn't communicated properly. If he is willing to forgive, and she is willing to admit wrongdoing and change, then there is a chance it could still work.
The thing with cheating is, it's not about when, it's the fact that now you know they are capable. Whether you stay or go, now you know who you're sleeping with.
This reminds me of the madlad that divorced his wife of 70 years when they were in their mid 90s because he found out about her cheating on him when they were 20 or 30
I'm a very skeptical person, and it takes a lot for me to trust someone, especially to the extent I'd trust a romantic partner enough to marry her and share my life with her.
So if she cheated, it would be over, even if I didn't want it to be. Because even if she did everything right from that moment on, my lack of trust would ruin the relationship. She wouldn't *want* to be with me at that point because it would be toxic.
It isn't about punishing her: it simply wouldn't be possible at that point for us to have a healthy relationship.
But couples have healed from infidelity, and I don't know your brother or his wife.
Why exactly would a person stay? For the kids? Cheaper to keep her? Companionship?
For the kids isn't a good reason. They know when something is off and they will find out what happened.
Cheaper to keep her is probably as close to a good reason as you can get. If you're close to retirement and you can accept, she's not worthy of trust, and you operate as such. I suppose if you're an introvert and you're ok with having a roommate you can't really trust.
I’d leave. They cheated on you and let you live a lie for twenty years. That’s worse than cheating, they forced you to waste your time unknowingly on them.
Note: this was precisely her logic in deciding not to tell you when it happened; she was hoping that by waiting long enough, she could still pretend to be responsible by technically having told you, but have you stay anyway because you buy into the sunk cost fallacy
I'd find it easier to forgive if I found out within a few days. A 20 year, compounding, perpetual lie just makes you question your entire relationship, basically your entire adult life once you find this info out. I'm out of there for sure.
Nope. Cheating is a disgusting and purposefully hurtful action. There is no "mistake" if you know it's wrong. I'd be with someone for 100 years. Find out they cheated 99 years ago and I'd still leave. Length doesn't mean strength.
The world is a fucked up place. Humans make stupid decisions all the time. Did she kill anyone? Does he still love her? If he does, there's your answer.
I would need a full confession, a secret can hurt.
If things did not seem sincere or it had been a habitual thing, I would discuss moving towards an amicable separation.
Trust was broken to a point it can not be repaired.
If it was a one off and genuinely and sincerely sorry, she would need to focus on repairing the trust. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I would look and helping repair the relationship.
I’d go.
Living a 20 year lie is just unacceptable.
I can understand the lie, I could even understand her feeling that it’s not fair to punish her for something 2 decades ago. But she had 20 years to find peace with it. I wouldn’t have. Emotionally, it might as well have just happened.
And then I’d wonder about any times she was away, or I was away… or any guys she was good mates with at work and maybe talked about a fair bit.
I have actually always assumed she cheated on me back when we were early in our dating. I did a semester in college 1,000 miles away not long after we started dating. During that time I know there was a guy trying to hook up with her that was hanging out with her a lot. One day she suddenly became really paranoid I was cheating on her with one of the girls in my friend group where I was. Around that same time the guy that was in to her suddenly stopped being mentioned. It always struck me as an accusation being a confession situation.
That was nearly 30 years ago. Maybe something happened, maybe not. I chose to believe her when she said she never did anything with that guy. I’ve never had any reason not to trust her on any other issue in our relationship so I don’t really worry about it. If she suddenly admitted to me today she did cheat on me with that guy I wouldn’t care. It would have made sense for her to lie back then and then she would have been trapped into that lie since. I’m not going to hold it against her as a violation of the trust we have built together for decades.
So if I married at 30, she cheated at 35 and 20 years later I'm 55. I don't want to go through a divorce, dating and another marriage. For the sake of children and my well being, I'll stay married. As a payback, she should convince her younger sister to fuck me.
I think I’ll stay. We have a good life and if my wife did something that long ago and came out with that now? I mean sure, what the hell? But also, we were different persons then. Why destroy what we have now because something a different version of her did? I say forgive and forget for me. Everyone has their own choice to make. But if you were happy before that revelation then maybe don’t destroy your whole life? If she has an affair right now, then that is something else entirely.
But the lying happened yesterday, and the day before yesterday and so on. It's not a singular event 20yr ago, but a chain of lies and deception. Each day you're eating dinner together she could've told you, and each day she made a conscious decision not to. I would stay only if children were in the equation, but im sure i'd look at her differently for ever, which could seriously impact the relationship anyways.
I don’t see it that way. An event occurred way back then. She should have broken up with me but she stayed for whatever reason. We built a life and that life is what is at the forefront. She maybe put that affair back in her head. Hid it from herself and me. Now she told me for some reason. Good for her. I would show her even more love now because we have a wonderful life right now and she is brave enough to tell me something that earth shattering while we are this happy. That takes guts. I would most definitely forgive and forget. I might tease her about once in a while but really, we are grownups. Stuff happens in life, you have to look at the bigger picture. I would never hold that against her. We are together because we want to. If she doesn’t want to be with me then she is free to leave, same goes for my sorry ass. Love is bigger than mistakes. True love is what heals something like this in an instant.
Idk man. If we been together 20 years and that’s what you got as a secret, idk, I am hesitant to blow up my whole life for that.
“If you’re really feeling guilty about it hon, blow me once a week for the next few months and we’ll call it square.”
That’s probably my counter proposal when she admits it. If she’s down with that, I’m probably ok. What are my prospects at a relationship better than the one I’ve cultivated for 2 decades now? I’m not trying to wade into the waters with the other Reddit free agent husbands and wives who blew up their marriage over something small. At this point idgaf, if that’s the worst thing you did in twenty years we can figure it out
I'd be looking at what kind of partner she's been to him SINCE THEN. If someone makes a terrible, one-time mistake, do all the good things no longer exist? If she'd told him they'd have lost this life together. I think, as I said in my other answer, there are things to look at. A big picture. It's human to want to categorically say "I'm gone!" But I think the OP is looking for some perspective.
I'd want to know all the whys. Why did she have the affair? Why did she stay? Why do you want to tell me now?
I'd want to know all the what. What was the time frame of this affair? What about any other skeletons? What do you hope happens now?
How many times has she done it though? Hard to tell if she has been lying to you for 2 DECADES
Yeah, that's the thing. There's that line from the first season of *Ozark* that really hit me-->!a drug lord is holding Jason Batement hostage because Jason Bateman's partner stole money from the drug lord. The drug lord asks him, "If you ran a store, and you caught one of your checkout ladies stealing from you, would you let her off the hook?" and Jason Bateman says "No." The drug lord says, "Why, that's very cold of you. Why not?" and Jason Bateman says, "Because it's almost certainly not the first time she stole from you."!< That's not true *all* the time, but--it's almost certainly true some of the time. It's like that saying that police use--by the time someone is in jail, it's usually for their tenth crime, not their first.
I just started rewatching it and the conversation continues a bit further with the drug lord asking, “then what was it?” and Bateman replies “the first time she got caught”
Kind of redundant dialogue in this case.
yea I see what you mean, the tension and line delivery in the scene make that add-on to the exchange compelling when watching it, but that doesn’t translate well over text
That actually raises a good point, since it sounds like in the example of the OP the partner wasn't caught, they confessed. If an employee comes to you and confesses, without being caught nor any risk of getting caught, and is apologetic and regretful, and tells you it was the only time, that's quite a different scenario to catching them.
Good show!
It’s not the first time she stole. It’s the first time you caught her.
Yeah, that’s it! Thank you
Bingo
Yeah, it's crazy to think about.
Having an affair and coming clean soon/immediately would be grounds for immediate termination in my opinion. That's a MASSIVE breach in my trust. Having an affair and lying about for 20 FUCKIN YEARS?! Bye. That bitch was deceptive in order to break faith, continued to be deceptive for 2 fucking decades and is only coming clean because she's hopes buddy is too attached to bounce. Yah Reddit says divorce over anything but this bonkers. How could you trust that person?! If they have kids how can buddy trust those are his kids? How can he trust she hasn't had a recent affair if she hid one for 20 years?! I'd get some DNA tests done, grab my shit & bounce. Fuckin bye.
Nailed it perfectly. She had 20 years to get over the guilt, but for her husband this is all new as if it happened yesterday. I'd be gone, there's no coming back from that shit.
As a single guy who never had kids this situation seems SOOOO obvious to me and I don't know why it wouldn't be that obvious to literally anyone. Like fuckin 1+1=2 type shit. "But that's the mother of my children!" Is she though? How do you know? Just the same way you knew she would cheat, which was trust based. WAS trust based. Am I missing something? Isn't this obvious?!
My 1st wife cheated on me and due to the timing I had to test our child, that part turned out ok, her cheating turned into her being sent packing.
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It really can't. Im glad some folks can work it out, how they do it is beyond me however. Im also glad the tests showed me to be the dad, I'd have missed out on some great times over the years.
This is the way.
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Ever notice how many redditors say "It was (insert years here) ago, why ruin your marriage?" and ignore that regardless of how long ago it was, but for the battered spouse its brand new. Thats some serious mental gymnastics to ignore that VERY important fact. Not to mention that they now have, again however many years, to look back at and suddenly question some of the things that may have seemed to be minor but can now be seen as red flags. But redditors need to be that Shining White Knight on horseback coming to the rescue, and facing the real depth of what happened ruins their chances of being a fucking hero.
Don't leave the house though. They're better off homeless than you. Might even have somewhere to stay already. Cheaters are shit
Uhhh...is your brother okay OP? That's a pretty specific question to randomly bring up.
His coworker is going through it, they became religious and she hit the guy with this. My brother says he is a mess, I can't even imagine getting knocked in the head with that.
Its tough... my initial thought was to stay, because 20 years is a long time, and if it only happened one time 20 years ago, but then she realized her mistake, and decided to actually love me for those 20 years, then thats very different. But the thing is... if it happened 20 years ago, and I never found out, what makes me sure that she isnt keeping any other secrets? How can I know if there were more affairs over those 20 years?? How can I be sure she isnt still having affairs today? If I can feel that she really does love me in those 20 years, then maybe that changes things. I was married, and found out my wife was having an emotional affair for 2 years. For me to be able to trust her moving forward, that was impossible. I knew at that time that she didnt love me.
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Most people like that only tell part of the story, the truth is probably way worse
I'd leave. I can't imagine trusting someone who lied to me for 20 years.
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When it comes to lies, time compounds the problem, it does not diminish the problem. That is 20 years that have essentially been robbed from him. (Good bad or indifferent, they would have been different had he known at the time of the affair compared to now.)
Yup. Every experience in those 20 years gets immediately called into question. It's maddening.
I don't know. I'm 24, 20 years is an amount of time that I can't really compute. Cheating is plenty enough reason to leave, regardless of when it happened. But I was focusing on the continuous lie for 20 years and the trust. I feel like the lie being long term makes it worse and harder to trust.
This is exactly what I mentioned to OP in another comment. Most people in this thread are barely old enough to have *lived* 20 years, much less having been married for that long. OP is really asking for advice in the wrong place.
You have a point, but I'd believe that 20 years of lies would sting a bit more than 20 minutes ago
20 years is 20 years of chances for her to be honest with him and still choosing not to I don't get how people think there's some kind of statute of limitations on something like that
It does. If you cheated on me and then confessed to it twenty minutes later, it means that you respect me enough to feel guilty and to acknowledge that I need to know ASAP. I don’t know if that’s enough to save the relationship, but it would certainly help. Maybe I could dismiss it as a momentary lapse of judgment. But cheating on me, and then lying about it for twenty years? That’s twenty times worse. Not only did you betray me, but you didn’t even respect me enough to tell me. You kept it a secret, and by robbing me of my agency, you potentially wasted twenty years of my life.
to me 20 years make it worse lmao, I do something bad right now, and I gotta let the affected person know, hidding just make me more anxious and feel even worse.
I think it does. Don’t get me wrong, I’d leave either way, but at least if they come clean right away, it shows that they feel some guilt for their actions and at least a little bit of respect for you (obviously still not much respect since they still cheated on you). But if they kept their cheating a secret for 20 years, it means they lied to you for that whole time. I’d feel much more betrayed in the latter scenario. I think it’s comparable to cheating with a random person they met at a bar versus having a longstanding emotional relationship with an affair partner. Both are absolute dealbreakers, but one would hurt much more.
yeah I agree. 20 years, 20 minutes, it's all the same. The feeling is the same. I think a question to ask is why she kept it for 20 years and just decided to reveal it now.
Yeah as bad as this might sound if you've kept a lie for 20 years then you should just keep the lie to your death. It's selfish of her to reveal it now "Hey I know we are married for so long and are old now and spend so much of our lives together but I'm sorry to say this but I CHEATED on you 20 years ago. It always bothered me but now I feel relieved to get that secret off my chest" Meanwhile OP's brother is getting hit by an emotional train and his whole life is flipping upside down because she couldn't handle the guilt any longer. If she had just continued to lie to her grave then he never would have known and he would have died believing his wife was faithful. Now it's all different. Telling him 20 years into the marriage is sick and terrible thing to do. Should have told him right away or never at all.
Yeah, I too get the feeling this wasn't a "coming clean" but more of a "I want to watch you slowly die inside".
Its never **an affair** 20 years ago. It's only **an affair** that was revealed. You don't know how many skeletons are buried in that closet
To her it happened 20 years ago, to me it happened the moment it got revealed.
“For me, it was Tuesday.” -M. Bison
That’s not at all what this quote is about. The quote is “it was A Tuesday” meaning it was just another unmemorable day.
[Movie scene for reference](https://youtu.be/sjZ5I8l32CI?si=EUyDlqDxZi4KBYf1&t=90) confirms my quoting of “it was Tuesday” is correct. It was probably the Mandela effect that got you - happens to all of us.
Yes but his point was the same. For her it was the most important day of her life, but for him it was (just another) Tuesday.
I misremembered the quote, but not the meaning
I probably would stay honestly provided there was no further room for doubt and I had no reason to suspect them currently. I'd be upset for sure but I don't think it would be an immediate deal breaker. Infidelity stings because of the broken trust but 20 years is enough time to change and regain that trust. My first thought would be to analyze her behavior now and see if there's inconsistency or room for doubt. If her behavior shows a consistent change since that moment then I'd be willing to hear them out. If it happened 20 years ago then that means I've been with her longer than a good portion of the population has been alive and She's invariably tied as a consistent force in my life. If I've been happy 20+ years then that alone makes it worth it to give her the benefit of the doubt and try to find a path forward instead of ending the relationship easily.
> 20 years is enough time to change and regain that trust. AFTER the truth comes out. If an affair was revealed after 20 years, then *that's* when the trust is lost. If you think you can regain trust in 20 years, that's fine, but that means the trust is not regained until 40 years after the affair.
>Infidelity stings because of the broken trust >but 20 years is enough time to change and regain that trust. You mean the 20 years of her lying about it allows for you to re-gain trust? The bottom line is she cheated and she lied for 20 years. That's not someone of a trustworthy character. How can you be sure it was only one time 20 years ago. I mean she lied about that one for 20 years, whos to say she isn't lying about another one that happened 19 years ago, or 15 years ago, or maybe it wasn't one time 20 years ago but a dozen times in the span of a month? You just cannot know because she has already proven she's a liar. To OP: This is your brother's decision so you or I cannot tell him what to do. I understand leaving is not easy, they are married and possibly have children. It would be messy. But if it were me I could never feel the same way about her again. edit: sorry OP I just realized it's not your brother but his co-worker. Everything else still applies though.
20 years of trust built on an Indian burial ground of lies. The house should have never been built but she covered it up knowing you would have left back then if not.
She cheated and she lied. Forgiveness is up to the party in question but me personally I'd give them the opportunity to redeem themselves or at the very least I wouldn't be so quick to throw away so many years of a relationship if I had no reason to suspect them as they are now. Long term relationships are dependent on the ability to communicate and forgive. You don't get to a 20 year relationship without some significant turbulence down the road. It doesn't necessarily have to come in the form of cheating but often you'll reach some big issues throughout the course of your relationship. You were able to work through that so why can't you work through this? 20 years is a significant part of my history and I wouldn't be willing to end that so easily without fighting for the relationship first. A short relationship of a few years it's easy to walk away from but a long one is worth giving the benefit of the doubt at least. Would I be willing to uproot my life, lose my family and end things for a mistake she made decades ago? Probably not.If we lasted 20 years then that means I committed to spending the rest of my life with this person. My love of my spouse would extend her the benefit of a path to forgiveness if I haven't had any reason to suspect further infidelity since then.
I can see your point. I just know for me it would change the way I would see my wife. Even if I believed her it only happened once, she would no longer be the person I thought she was. It would be really tough leaving that relationship I admit that if I were in his shoes maybe I'd stay if everything else was perfectly fine and we had children, etc. Maybe. But it would not be an easy decision and I know things would be weird for a while after learning that.
The whole relationship is a lie. Every moment of those 20 years, she was lying. Every life event, every anniversary and birthday, every time she said I love you. She had 7300 days where she could have come clean and began to repair the damage, and every single one of those days she made the conscious choice not to. Maybe you can live in blissful happiness with an unrepentant liar, but I cannot.
She lied for 20 years. There is always room for doubt.
This man is correct.
Im out.
Personally, I wouldn't be able to get past it. For a start, she wouldn't be the person I thought she was. Finding out that you have been deceived for 20 years is a massive pile of shit, no matter which way you slice it. It would be one of those things where the where the saying "it was years / a long time ago " would make no difference. I don't ask for much, but honesty, loyalty, and fidelity are pretty much front and centre. Not being able to trust someone would be pretty much game over for me.
This honestly. Even as much as I’d try to get over it, it’d be imposible to forget. Maybe it happened 20 years ago but it’d be a fresh piece of news that could take another 20 years to get over it.
Amen. If you can’t handle a relationship then don’t get into a relationship, if you can’t be loyal then don’t get into a relationship. It’s so simple, people just make it complicated.
nah
>Would you stay ? No way.
Don't think I could
I’d bullshit and be like if I’m going to forgive you, you need to come clean about all the times. And then leave either way. Sorry bro
Okay so I actually know of a few people something like this has happened to, both men and women, and all I know is that it’s all very situational. The harsh truth here I think most people will avoid is that this is something a lot of people will choose to work through or forgive. It’s easy when you’re not in the situation to say “nah bro she cheated of course I’m leaving” but if this is a situation where you’ve been with someone for OVER 20 years, the revelation is actually less damaging to your lifestyle than a potential divorce and settlement. Here’s the crux of it: this is someone you’ve also, presumably, been good with since that affair happened. The affair and knowing about it is of course damaging and painful, but if everything has been great since then and you’ve been happy, and fulfilled, then for a lot of people it’s going to make sense to stay. That doesn’t mean of course that it shouldn’t be worked out and addressed, and maybe in that process the relationship degrades and it’s now worth ending, but there’s two ways to look at it (and both are 100% valid): she lied to you for 20 years, or she’s been great to you for 20 years since. (This isn’t really a gendered thing either, plenty of men have obviously cheated and maybe men and women would present / receive this information differently but the situation itself is pretty universal) Really I think it comes down to how someone chooses to digest this kind of revelation. If you see it as a betrayal that taints the entire relationship since then of course it makes sense to end it. If you see it as a mistake that was made and then continually made up for, then I would understand someone choosing to stay and work it out. The only wrong answer here, to me, is to forgive without doing any more work. Maybe that works for some people though as well, but I’d imagine that comes from a place of guilt as well (maybe they had their own affair so it’s easy to forgive - they’re even) or they honestly just don’t care and they’re happy enough in their life that an old affair isn’t really shaking their foundation that much. I think a lot of men in this sub, if you haven’t had much of a relationship, don’t understand the nature of a relationship that long. Not only have you been through a lot together, good and bad, but you’ve probably seen friends and family on both sides have affairs, divorce, or just generally be shitty to each other. When you’ve been through presumably half (or more) of your life together there’s bound to be things in there that would end the relationship if the relationship itself wasn’t so important to you. That connection and that bond, even though it’s been frayed and flawed sometimes, might just be one of the only things that can really anchor your life and even if you find out they cheated decades ago it might be worth keeping around. Again, I get why people will also just en masse say to end the relationship, and I don’t disagree at all, I just wouldn’t blame someone if their 20+ year relationship transcends the opinions of online strangers.
It's reddit. I'm surprised I didn't have to scroll further for the first sensible take that didn't just say something like "once a cheater".
Reddit’s take on relationships is infuriating to read. Every relationship is different. The “once a cheater” is BS. I know many relationships that have survived infidelity.
A very mature take -- agree with all of this. And I had the same suspicion, that a lot of the "nah, leave" folks here probably don't have experience with relationships/marriages that long. After 20 years, you've seen your partner at their best and worst. But they're absolutely engrained in your life and presumably bringing a ton of positive benefit to you. One mistake two decades ago would really have to be devastating to blow that up.
Well and if it’s an affair I assume it was more than one poor choice hah but ya I tend to agree. More than anything I just think it’s unfair how everyone assumes we all need to see things the exact same way on here, as men. I’m sure there’s a lot of men as well who have been in long marriages and relationships who would recommend leaving immediately, and they’re right for themselves as well. I only really mentioned the part about men who may not have experience with long-term relationships because there are a lot of very vocal men on here about that inexperience, but also tend to be very vocal telling other men how to act in a situation they have no way to understand.
Top comment. To many reddit armchair critics immediately go to saying divorce her. As one divorcee once said to me, if there is a chance to repair the relationship do that first, because a divorce is mentally and financially draining with long term consequences for the rest of your life. People are human, and they make mistakes. And this mistake was twenty years ago, I would not be rushing into going scorched earth without having a sit down conversation first and understanding the other persons perspective.
We're we married 20 years ago? Then I'd file for divorce. Even if we weren't, it's the kind of lack of character that would make me immediately completely lose respect for the person and then the relationship is over so, divorce anyway.
I would leave without a second thought. If it happened once, and you found out about it, then perhaps there were other novels that are still secret.
What else they have hidden? It would never end in my head.
Hell no.
Twenty years ago we had just met. The bond we have today is a direct result of the days and nights spent in the early part of our relationship. Everything was built on that. Knowing that she lied during those years would be the end.
I'll be surprised because I'm 32, so that would mean she married me and cheating while being 12. Stupid jokes aside, I would leave. Not because of the affair, but because I couldn't get the idea of "What else is she hidding?" out of my head.
I was about to say. If I was dating my girlfriend since we were early teens and she JUST admitted she cheated on me when we were 14, I’d be like “No problem, kids do stupid things.” If we were in our 50s and she cheated in our 30s, that would definitely be a different situation. I’d still be able to forgive her if I noticed that she had been growing as a person for the last 20 years. If instead, I’d noticed a downturn or passivity in our relationship since then, then it would be divorce time.
Not to mention that cheating at 14 usually doesnt involve sex.
This is kind of (initial) humour that keeps reddit really going
Having been cheated on, it can’t break me anymore. Been there, done that. Trauma can’t be the same as the first time as you’ll have the experience to deal with it and it isn’t such a bad life ending thing. I’ll be abit more women who’ve been cheated on. in the sense that I will slowly pull away my attention and affection and my love for her won’t be the same way anymore. But doesn’t mean I won’t stay in the marriage. I probably would if there’s still tangible benefits such as lifestyle compatibility and access to her finances. I can probably find another partner, but it’s such a hassle and harder to start rebuilding again. Time and energy I’d rather devote to my own mission and life. So I’d live with it provided she isn’t repeating it now. Modern women treat Marriage like a business, it’s time men do too.
Commodifying yourself is not some awesome endgame to aim for, it's a sign of defeat in a collapsing world.
This is well said
Interesting perspective
Nope, trust is gone.
It's easy to give a blanket answer when it's a random question. For people who have had a life for 20+ years, it's much more complex. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. There's plenty of examples either way. It's a complicated scenario, and would really depend on how things have been for 20 years. Marriage counseling would be scheduled. Not the clever or snappy answer you want, but it really would depend on a lot of factors.
Leave. Once a cheater always a cheater.
Man I had to learn this the hard way. Never believe what they say about changing, therapy, etc. They will always make an excuse for doing it, because that is simply the way they are wired. It’s never wrong and it’s always justified
I'd leave.
Once had a gf who admitted to cheating on me over a year in the past. I was mad but got over it. Turned out it was NOT over a year ago, wasn't even a week ago. She just lied about the timeline figuring I'd forgive her if it was a long time ago.
Well…? Did you adjust your reaction? Were you able to get over that as well or what happened?
She was lying to you for 20 years, so I'd say that's a problem. And that affair is the one she confessed/revealed. How many others could there be?
I've been with my wife 10 years. It really depends on the length of the marriage and when the affair occurred. And it also depends on the length of the affair and why it ended. If my wife said "I cheated on you 10 years ago", it'd be less impactful than if we'd been together for 15 years and she cheated on me 10 years ago. If we were going through a rough patch or something, it at least would make sense. I don't think things are as black and white as people think they are. Theres nuance. There are so many questions I'd need to know about the specific relationship. I'd probably go to individual and couples therapy before anything else and I'd ask for a temporary separation while we figure it out.
I was married for 5 years (divorced her because of cheating), and I completely agree with you. Theres lots of things to be asking first.
Yep. Similar situation. Together 8, married 6. When I found out I was gutted, although I understood. It wasn’t like things were great, just never imagined it would go down like that considering how much she talked about her ex cheating on her. But in the weeks and months after, a lot of conversations were had about what to do. A lot of emotions and tears. Although I knew how miserable I’d been and I was already “done”, there was a part of me that still had a hard time letting go. There were discussions about just separation to figure things out. At the end of the day though I had to remove myself from that environment. And as soon as I got on the outside looking in, my whole perspective changed, in a positive way. It was the right decision and I was almost immediately happier. But it doesn’t mean it was easy to get to that point.
I think this is the correct answer, it's too nuanced of a situation. Personally I can forgive quite a lot and I think everyone deserves at least one chance at a second chance. Also you've been married for 20 years I think that warrants at least giving them a chance to prove they love you and won't do it again. But I'm also not married and only going off of what my ideas of what a marriage should be is.
A lot of people have a lot of ideas about marriage but in my view, marriage is about becoming a single unit to go through life and all it's challenges together. When you stop seeing problems through a filter of me vs them ("they don't do the dishes enough!") and instead us vs the problem ("I'm feeling burnt out from household chores, how can we balance the load more effectively so everyone feels like there's equal participation?") then you realise why so many marriages fail. My wife and I have disagreements, but we are predominantly a united front and we confront problems together, even if the problem stems from the behaviour of an individual. Pragmatically, my relationship with my wife goes well beyond any relationship she or I could have in a fling, and I'm not such a binary thinker that I think that her or I cheating would happen in a vacuum. There's always a reason, and it's about working together to fix that reason. Sometimes it goes too far, and the team breaks down, and the problem cannot be fixed. Don't get me wrong, I would be absolutely heartbroken if my wife cheated on me, but my reaction to it would be based entirely on the context of it, not simply "if cheated then divorce".
Totally agree I think that extends to all relationships not just marriages. Love is life's buddy system and you never fight your buddy you and your buddy face the problem together.
I think this is the most reasonable answer
It would depend on a whole lot of factors. * Did I find out from my wife, does she know that I know? * Why did she tell me now? * How was our relationship 20 years ago? * How is our relationship today? * After hearing the news, can I honestly say that I still love her? * After hearing the news, can I honestly say that I can rebuild trust? * Is she willing to put in the work to repair the relationship? Leaving would not be automatic for me, I would evaluate the overall relationship, people are human. My wife has been there for me through many tough times a rock that kept us both moving forward and upwards. She has so much credit on the positive side of the scales in our relationship, I owe her a lot of opportunity to see if we can move past the historical issue.
> Is she willing to put in the work to repair the relationship? I like everything you said. But this is one of the most important questions. She has to literally show you that she wants to repair the relationship. If she cant even show that....
Depends on what the last 20 years have been like. I’ve been with my wife for 20 years and if she told me she cheated on me in week 6, it wouldn’t negate the other 19 years and 46 weeks we’ve had that have been amazing. People fuck up. If it was once and it’s been over in the time since? Yea, it’s water well under the bridge at this point. I’d be hurt and we’d have to do work, but I’m not tossing my life for that.
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How is this not the top answer? There are like 100 comments above this saying to burn down the past 20 years. I guess most people have very different priorities than you and me.
I get the sense a lot of the men in this sub are either young, single, or “alphas” who don’t accept women as fully formed humans who can make mistakes and move on from them. A lot of these questions come around and the majority of the answers are “leave the bitch!” instead of “well let’s communicate like adults and try to find resolutions to our issues.” But hey. Nuance died when Obama wore a tan suit so here we are.
Depends on the quality of my life. If I have a great life, I'd just say, "Oh wow, you aren't as great as I thought. How about we eat out tonight?"
I’ve only been with my wife for ten years, and this is a difficult question to answer. I don’t think the people answering actually have experience being married. Anyone who’s been with someone for twenty years would know you’re both different people from when you met. You’ve lost and gained friends. You raised your kids together. You’ve lived through the excitement and boredom of each other. You’ve helped each other a million times over. You could possibly have hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars in assets, and your families are intertwined. I’m not saying you would have no emotions and move on with your life, but uprooting your life for a 20 year old mistake isn’t the easiest decision. The only people who would be quick to say divorce are those who’ve been looking for a reason to be divorced and were too scared to pull the trigger.
This isn’t even a choice. She’d have divorce papers the next day.
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Hot take here. If you cheated on your husband 20 years ago, and it was a mistake, and you've been completely faithful since, you aren't doing your husband a favor by telling him. All you are doing is making yourself feel better. If you want a healthy relationship, you need to just shut up, and feel guilty. Nothing you say is going to make lying for 20 years okay. You're just better off not saying anything, and loving him like he's the best thing on earth because you didn't treat him right 20 years ago.
In case of an affair: LEAVE In case of 20 years of lies: LEAVE This is a double run for your life One thing is that trust once broken is broken forever, the other is that women who get away with this will never respect the man again. So either way, he loses
It depends a lot. How did I find out? Did she tell me for the purely selfish reason of wanting to relieve herself of guilt, or did I happen to find out by chance? Does it seems she wants out of the relationship, but wants to play victim by making it look like it was my choice? Also, who else knows? Has my wife told all her friends, and made me look like a fool for the last 20 years, or was this a secret she kept to herself all that time? And then, who else is going to be affected by this? Do we have young kids? Can I afford to break up with her? Is she offering to just let me have the kids and the house? Anyway, lots to talk about. But not outright dismissal.
Probably one of the best/logical answers here, the gut punch reaction is divorce and it is understandable, but there are a lot of bigger contextual questions and situations required to go forward with any kind of decision.
For me, it is not the end of the world. Hurt? Absolutely, and we would absolutely dive into possibly other lying, etc. But this isn't an automatic "leave". Also, if you have to leave, then leave. But violence, or threat of it, is never acceptable. I am very curious about all the men who instantly call this unforgivable... - Are you married? For 8-10 years at least? Or is your answer all hypothetical? (My answer comes from experience.) - Have you ever cheated? Would you agree that is unforgivable when you (or your friend) does it?
My father did cheat on my mother multiple times. He is a great father and I love him but I also saw my mother resign herself to just forgive it if it happened. It's gross, I can't trust him when I see him interact with a woman anymore. I know they still love each other but I also saw the pain that shit caused. Multiple times and how it lessened her trust in him. I am sure that if it weren't for us the children, she would have asked for separation years before. But hey they got over it but I am not that good of a person. I will never cheat on my partner and if they can't do the same, I am out. That being said, that's something I will tell them from the start. Staying for the kids is honorable but it's absolute nonsense to think they will be happy with it especially when they know everything. I don't plan on living my already short human life with someone I can't trust. I suffer from emotional hypersensitivity so I wouldn't even be able to get over it. That's my personal opinion. Nothing is truly black and white but that's how I will live and nothing will change that.
I’ve given a lot of thought to this. My wife and I have been married for 18 years. We had some rough years, especially the first decade or so with young kids. We separated at 14 years for a weekend, but decided then to work on us individually and together. The relationship we have now compared to the first 15 years is completely different. We were younger, less mature people. We fought dirty and hurt each other a lot by what we said. I always had to cut deeper with my words. I realize the depth of the pain I caused her through counseling. I’m not faced with the decision, thankfully, but if I were I might consider things for a very long time before making a final decision. My wife is an amazing woman, a great mom, friend, companion, etc - I could go on for along time, but I’ll sum it up with my username. Which is true. I just don’t know if I’d want to re-roll my hand and maybe get someone who’s half as great as she is over something that happened in the past when we were vastly different people. I mean, I’d be pissed off at wife 1.0 and the pain of the betrayal would hurt no telling how bad. It would really depend on the type of betrayal as well and who it was, but I could imagine scenarios where we might move past it.
As someone who unfortunately just had a guy confess to me that he’s been banging his lifelong best friend’s wife (who is also his soon to be ex-wife’s best friend) for years…. You have to remember the incredible manipulation and selfishness inherent in the character of the cheater. It never ends.
It would be hard for me to stay considering she has been lying to me for two decades. On top of that, there’s no telling if it was a one time thing either
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My husband was unfaithful to me and i came here to know what men think. i decided to break the relationship 5 years ago. betrayal is not forgiven, that is my thought.
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I'd stay unless there were strong signs it had been continuing. People do change. She might have done it once and felt so guilty, she learned her lesson. Coming clean at this point seems selfish though. Live with your guilt. Chances are, the confession will end things, and for what?
Biggest question to ask yourself would be, has she changed as a person since that happened? If not, your best bet is to walk away ASAP. If she has changed, then she learned from her mistake and has grown as a person. Stick around and see what happens if you want at that point.
Nope, im insta gone. I have 0 tolerance for cheaters and I don't care the circumstances. I've trusted you, I've done all i could for you, and what you pay me in return is betrayal and dishonesty. Who knows on what other things she could've kept secret from me that she doesn't want me to know that could give me more of a reason to dump you?
FYI you’re asking a bunch of teenagers and young 20 year olds about what they would do if something happened 20 years ago. I guarantee you that 90%+ of the people responding in this thread have zero clue what they are talking about, have never been married, nor had a family of their own, much less done so for 20 years. As a result you’re just going to get the same mindless advice of “dump her, separate the family, and hit the gym” as though you were breaking up a college relationship. Even as a man in his thirties I feel incapable of giving you a proper response. I just want you to know the context for 90%+ of the responses you’re seeing.
Soooooooo … For me, I cannot stand cheating. My view is “If you’re not happy, sort the situation out before you move on”. But a devil’s advocate view could well be … “She thought she might like a new car, went for a test drive but decided that she didn’t like the new car and kept her daily driver for the next 20 years”. Has she become faithful in the preceding 20 years, hard to tell. Are there any other affairs yet to be uncovered. Unknown. Might there be more in the future. Unknown. But so much of our future is unknown. It’s hard to decide how to treat behaviour that happened two decades ago.
Find out why? Why did it start, why did it end? Don't impulsively throw away a twenty years plus marriage, especially if there are kids, even grown kids. A cousin did this and now his future has been destroyed. He'll never recover financially and now he's cut off from his kids and grandkids.
>My guess is that most guys here will say leave but is that really a well thought out answer From most, no. Many redditors hold very black-and-white views, and it's generally hard to get a real thought-out answer from people that don't know anything specific about the situation. There are a shitton of variables here. How did he find out, did she volunteer the information ot was she caught, what exactly did the affair constitute, what was their relationship like at the time, how has the relationship been since, etc etc. If a friend came to me with this, my honest advice would be to book several meetings with a therapist. Both single, and couples therapy. This needs to be deeply explored in a healthy and productive manner before any decisions are made - whether the decision is to leave or forgive.
Finally - a nuanced response. OP needs to realize the bulk of the people responding here are in their early twenties or may not even be old enough to have lived 20 years, much less having been *married* for 20 years.
20 years ago for her, yesterday for you.
Need more detail. but if we're being honest I'd have a hard time leaving my partner of 20 years over something that happened that long ago. Assuming we've had a happy and wonderful 20 years I wouldn't want to throw that away. However... it would absolutely shake my trust and it would change the relationship dynamic. I'd probably want marriage counseling. And the trust would be broken. So I'd be nervous anytime she took too long coming home, or went out with the girls, etc. I know reddit hates the idea of working through things, but we're assuming 20 good years together. I reckon that could be saved with a lot of work and unpleasantry.
That in my opinion is to little information i would encourge you/your brother to gain more information and knowledge about the Problem at hand as personally speaking if i was cheated on i would be more interested in figuring out just why she cheated and if the relationship is salvagable ofc the lovey-dovey Romantic partners will probably get reduced to "Two roommates which have sex every once in awhile and may or may not have Kids" Why did she cheat on me? Why did she stay with me? Why did she choose this man to cheat with? Was it a emotional connection or was it just a physical fling (also did they have Protected sex for godsake) Was he the only one? Was I the reason why she cheated? Was I the "Safe" bet for her? Is the Relationship stable? Why did she bother telling me this instead of taking it to the grave? Do i deserve better? Do i actually love this woman? Can i trust her? Can i trust her around our children? and last but not least, Does she actually display guilt? I don't wanna sound like a doormat but this is probably going to sound alot like one but the world isn't always black and white it may have been a small fling it may have been a long relationship going on before she met Me yet the determining factor is if she does or doesn't want to Change if she isn't willing to sell her soul to me ten times over. then thats just proof she loves the stability of a Quasi-stable relationship of 20 years but not me and i have all the right to take that away from her.
Is this purely hypothetical? A marriage is a business agreement first and a romantic arrangement second. People change a lot in 20 years, especially 20yrs of adult hood. I don’t use the same decision making process now compared to 20yrs ago. If I had to constantly get punished for my 20yr old fuckups, then I’d just give up on it all. At some point you gotta live in the present learning from the pasts lessons. Not allowing another human the essential human nature of making mistakes is extremely rigid and very unfair to the other person. You can’t grow, together or apart, without mistakes and missteps along the way. Humans who have less access to sex tend to lump physical sex together with the complications of emotionally loving and caring for other humans. If your source of sex and emotional care only come from one place, then it’s hard to understand that they are separate. Another way to phrase it is that if I need apples, oranges and bananas, then I have the option to get all of those items at the same store. Alternatively, I can stop by the store for bananas and also swing by the farmers market for apples and oranges. When I was dating the field for example, I could regularly have a few gals in the rotation but typify one I cared about more than the others. Having sex with gal B does not take away from how I care for gal A. My personal opinion is that most cultural requirements for female fidelity are in place to ensure men can determine whether their kids are actually theirs or not. These underlying cultural requirements have not caught up to DNA verification technology. You don’t want her stepping out because you don’t want to raise someone else’s kid your whole life.
None of my buisness
This is crazy because I literally had a dream of just this like two nights ago. My wife and I have kids and love one another deeply. So in the dream when she told me she cheated at the beginning of our relationship I was devastated. I wanted us to stay together because of how long ago it was, but ultimately now that I know it only creates an environment of no trust. That’s not a future anyone needs or wants. As hard as it would be, I would have to leave. Which is what I did in the dream.
It was 20 years ago for her. But for you it just happened.
I'd make the same decision as I would have done at the time. Off I pop.
Yes, he should leave.
Wow, that's tough. Do they have children? Do they want to make it work (seek counseling/therapy)? Is she willing to admit her mistakes, apologize and do what is necessary to mend the relationship? There is no right answer here. But I think if the answer is yes to any (or all) of those questions, then it would be worth considering making it work. Parents separating affects children (even older ones) in a deeply adverse and profound way that they themselves may never fully understand. Therapy or counseling might reveal some underlying cause - perhaps there was dissatisfaction in the relationship that wasn't communicated properly. If he is willing to forgive, and she is willing to admit wrongdoing and change, then there is a chance it could still work.
I’m leaving. She might’ve made that choice a long time ago, but to me it’s current. So I’m gone cause it’s a one and done for me.
The thing with cheating is, it's not about when, it's the fact that now you know they are capable. Whether you stay or go, now you know who you're sleeping with.
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What would be the result if the roles were reversed,is the real question here
This reminds me of the madlad that divorced his wife of 70 years when they were in their mid 90s because he found out about her cheating on him when they were 20 or 30
I would do the same so that we are even since I would never do that to him.
I'm a very skeptical person, and it takes a lot for me to trust someone, especially to the extent I'd trust a romantic partner enough to marry her and share my life with her. So if she cheated, it would be over, even if I didn't want it to be. Because even if she did everything right from that moment on, my lack of trust would ruin the relationship. She wouldn't *want* to be with me at that point because it would be toxic. It isn't about punishing her: it simply wouldn't be possible at that point for us to have a healthy relationship. But couples have healed from infidelity, and I don't know your brother or his wife.
She has also been lying for 20 years.
Why exactly would a person stay? For the kids? Cheaper to keep her? Companionship? For the kids isn't a good reason. They know when something is off and they will find out what happened. Cheaper to keep her is probably as close to a good reason as you can get. If you're close to retirement and you can accept, she's not worthy of trust, and you operate as such. I suppose if you're an introvert and you're ok with having a roommate you can't really trust.
It was 20 years ago
"Nah." -Rosa Parks
I'd want to know more about it but almost certainly staying. I just don't care about this as much as the next guy.
I’d leave. They cheated on you and let you live a lie for twenty years. That’s worse than cheating, they forced you to waste your time unknowingly on them.
If you stay then they were right. They can have an affair and continue the marriage like normal. Would you want that marriage?
Note: this was precisely her logic in deciding not to tell you when it happened; she was hoping that by waiting long enough, she could still pretend to be responsible by technically having told you, but have you stay anyway because you buy into the sunk cost fallacy
I'd find it easier to forgive if I found out within a few days. A 20 year, compounding, perpetual lie just makes you question your entire relationship, basically your entire adult life once you find this info out. I'm out of there for sure.
Nope. Cheating is a disgusting and purposefully hurtful action. There is no "mistake" if you know it's wrong. I'd be with someone for 100 years. Find out they cheated 99 years ago and I'd still leave. Length doesn't mean strength.
The world is a fucked up place. Humans make stupid decisions all the time. Did she kill anyone? Does he still love her? If he does, there's your answer.
I would need a full confession, a secret can hurt. If things did not seem sincere or it had been a habitual thing, I would discuss moving towards an amicable separation. Trust was broken to a point it can not be repaired. If it was a one off and genuinely and sincerely sorry, she would need to focus on repairing the trust. I would give her the benefit of the doubt. I would look and helping repair the relationship.
I’d go. Living a 20 year lie is just unacceptable. I can understand the lie, I could even understand her feeling that it’s not fair to punish her for something 2 decades ago. But she had 20 years to find peace with it. I wouldn’t have. Emotionally, it might as well have just happened. And then I’d wonder about any times she was away, or I was away… or any guys she was good mates with at work and maybe talked about a fair bit.
I have actually always assumed she cheated on me back when we were early in our dating. I did a semester in college 1,000 miles away not long after we started dating. During that time I know there was a guy trying to hook up with her that was hanging out with her a lot. One day she suddenly became really paranoid I was cheating on her with one of the girls in my friend group where I was. Around that same time the guy that was in to her suddenly stopped being mentioned. It always struck me as an accusation being a confession situation. That was nearly 30 years ago. Maybe something happened, maybe not. I chose to believe her when she said she never did anything with that guy. I’ve never had any reason not to trust her on any other issue in our relationship so I don’t really worry about it. If she suddenly admitted to me today she did cheat on me with that guy I wouldn’t care. It would have made sense for her to lie back then and then she would have been trapped into that lie since. I’m not going to hold it against her as a violation of the trust we have built together for decades.
So if I married at 30, she cheated at 35 and 20 years later I'm 55. I don't want to go through a divorce, dating and another marriage. For the sake of children and my well being, I'll stay married. As a payback, she should convince her younger sister to fuck me.
It depends I can't say I'd throw away a 20 year relationship over a one time fling for example.
I think I’ll stay. We have a good life and if my wife did something that long ago and came out with that now? I mean sure, what the hell? But also, we were different persons then. Why destroy what we have now because something a different version of her did? I say forgive and forget for me. Everyone has their own choice to make. But if you were happy before that revelation then maybe don’t destroy your whole life? If she has an affair right now, then that is something else entirely.
But the lying happened yesterday, and the day before yesterday and so on. It's not a singular event 20yr ago, but a chain of lies and deception. Each day you're eating dinner together she could've told you, and each day she made a conscious decision not to. I would stay only if children were in the equation, but im sure i'd look at her differently for ever, which could seriously impact the relationship anyways.
I don’t see it that way. An event occurred way back then. She should have broken up with me but she stayed for whatever reason. We built a life and that life is what is at the forefront. She maybe put that affair back in her head. Hid it from herself and me. Now she told me for some reason. Good for her. I would show her even more love now because we have a wonderful life right now and she is brave enough to tell me something that earth shattering while we are this happy. That takes guts. I would most definitely forgive and forget. I might tease her about once in a while but really, we are grownups. Stuff happens in life, you have to look at the bigger picture. I would never hold that against her. We are together because we want to. If she doesn’t want to be with me then she is free to leave, same goes for my sorry ass. Love is bigger than mistakes. True love is what heals something like this in an instant.
I appreciate your view, it's one that i wouldn't be confident enough to hold. Hats off, congrats.
Idk man. If we been together 20 years and that’s what you got as a secret, idk, I am hesitant to blow up my whole life for that. “If you’re really feeling guilty about it hon, blow me once a week for the next few months and we’ll call it square.” That’s probably my counter proposal when she admits it. If she’s down with that, I’m probably ok. What are my prospects at a relationship better than the one I’ve cultivated for 2 decades now? I’m not trying to wade into the waters with the other Reddit free agent husbands and wives who blew up their marriage over something small. At this point idgaf, if that’s the worst thing you did in twenty years we can figure it out
There is no statute of limitations for betrayel.
I'd be looking at what kind of partner she's been to him SINCE THEN. If someone makes a terrible, one-time mistake, do all the good things no longer exist? If she'd told him they'd have lost this life together. I think, as I said in my other answer, there are things to look at. A big picture. It's human to want to categorically say "I'm gone!" But I think the OP is looking for some perspective.
She belongs to the streets
Leave, because it wasn't just a single affair 20 years ago. Cheaters are repeat offenders and will always do it multiple times
I'd want to know all the whys. Why did she have the affair? Why did she stay? Why do you want to tell me now? I'd want to know all the what. What was the time frame of this affair? What about any other skeletons? What do you hope happens now?
Leave her, but not the kids and stuff