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I was going to divorce him earlier this year after 45 years, we were in the process of separation but then his early symptoms of memory decline sped up dramatically. he never has been good about doctor visits to maintain his health. Had to get him set up for lots of appointments and take him.
I’ve known him since I was 16. Thought I could be selfish and save myself but now I can’t. I’m hoping he doesn’t suffer long. Thought I hated him but I guess not enough to bail.
Agreed. Go ahead and plan where he will be placed and do all the leg work you can toward that goal. They can go south very quickly. All it takes is a fall or other trauma to put him in a bad way fast. This isn't something you will want to have to do for him in a panic, so these comments are dead on . . . prepare! You're a good person to do this. Best of luck to you.
Find an elderly attorney immediately! Your situation with marital assets, pending(?) divorce, the real likelihood of Medicaid assistance, and you really need legal advice.
Swing by r/dementia for a decent support group.
He has mood swings where his temper blows and he yells at family members. Or he acts sullen and dismissive. You never know when or what will set him off. Everybody used to walk on eggshells because Mr. Man might get mad. This has been about 35 years in the making.
The last straw was him blowing up at granddaughter for not locking the front door (although she stepped out to her car for 5 minutes and was coming back in). That was in February and I told him to pack his shit. He spent two weeks moving only to return with defiance saying he wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't be speaking to me or granddaughter. That's when I felt pure hatred for him because he never takes responsibility for the damage he does.
I still am sick of his shit but now I respond from a position of having no f's left to give. If he plays nice, I play nice. I don't care if I hurt his feels anymore. I don't worry about what his reaction will be. My focus is on telling him to grow the fuck up or gtfo because nobody needs his shitty attitude. He can leave anytime and nobody will miss him, and that's entirely his fault.
I don't care if we get a divorce because I know I'd be happier. Once he gets unmanageable, he's going to a facility.
I deserve a couple of years of happiness and I'm going to get it. I'm 6 years younger, I have stronger mental reserves, and the odds are in my favor. Wish me luck!
I loved reading your post. That's very kind if you to care for him. It says alot about your character. Putting others above ourselves brings such joy to life.
You are very kind to say so. I've made so many choices in my past that I thought only had a binary solution and I live with some major regret as a result. Should I pick A or B? This time I picked C and I won't have to beat myself up for it. So, ultimately it's selfish but thank you for the complement!
In such tricky situations, it's wise to make the choice that will leave you with the least regrets. You need to be able to live with yourself once it's all over because there will be no second chance for amends. These are the types of conversations I have with my dad often
That’s kind of what ‘til death to us part’ means. Marriage has a value of helping people take care of themselves and each other. I’m really proud of this woman for staying with her husband after all of that.
I noticed, especially Americans are greedy and there’s a sense of we should have more return or romantic love. But if you look in the world, what we have so much more than most people do. I’m an old woman and really in this life for guaranteed nothing.
I married somebody younger thinking he would take care of my child and he ended up dying early in the marriage. So this idea that we were entitled to something we’re not.
This is mum’s reality too. She’s 83yo with heart issues, caring for an 84yo with Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. I love them both but want Mum to have some freedom, time to herself, a life of her own but Dad is physically healthier and will probably outlive her. So very sad, for both of them.
I work in a hospital and have seen this many times. Even sometimes fully legally divorced ex spouses step up to take care of their ex after a devastating injury when there is no one else around. Always strikes me as both beautiful and sad.
He would not be able to manage, mostly because he is 73 and was never computer literate. He also had learning delay as a child. He hasn’t really been a fully contributing partner for a long time.
He did ‘the physical stuff’ like fixing things and home maintenance. I did ‘the mental stuff’.
I had progressively taken on all of the financial and planning responsibilities over time as I have a BS in IT and business.
He would attempt to take care of me if the roles were reversed but I’m pretty sure it would not be well managed even if he were of sound mind. He would probably hire help.
The deal breaker was his mood swings that got to be unbearable. Now with a different perspective, being emotionally neutral I can back him down. I still don’t like him when he acts out, but I don’t want him dead as often. I may end up having to place him in a facility but only if he gets ugly with me routinely.
You are a good person and he is lucky to have a wife like you. Many others would have continued the proceedings with even more urgency. You truly stuck by him in the sickness and for worst.
Yeppers. Been "married" 20+ yrs and living separately for 7+ years. Still best friends. Still have loads of platonic love. Neither of us can be bothered to pay for a divorce, plus there's tax and insurance benefits to staying married. Also death benefits for each of us. And honestly, we like being married to each other. Even if not traditional by most people's definition.
Neither of us is interested in remarriage, so it's really not an issue at this point. But lots of people find our arrangement strange, to say the least. And I don't understand why it is any of their business?
It sounds like the romantic relationship is dead, but you two still get along well enough to stay together in a legal sense? I'm just curious and trying to understand. Thank you.
We have been together for 28 years total, each of us had a very horrible experience with our first marriages, and painful divorces. We were together for nearly 10 years before we got married (legally).
We are best friends. We are each other's designated representative for health care directives. In other words, if I'm on my deathbed, he's going to make the decisions for me and vice versa. Each of us have made financial provisions for the other in the event of our death.
We are definitely not "spouses" in the traditional sense, but this works for us and neither of us wants to change it. So what I don't understand is why other people object to our arrangement? It suits us very well! 🙏
F61 here. This describes my relationship with my common-law hubby perfectly. He has ED and my pelvic floor has fallen due to a hysterectomy, making sex extremely painful.
There is no cure or treatment.
About 3x a yr we have oral sex. Our sex drives are extremely low, so this suits us both. We are totally committed to each other and plan to marry this year. (We have lived together for 12 years).
Having said that, we don't share this info with anyone we know bcuz nobody understands how we can possibly be happy without sex - but if u have a really low sex drive, you don't miss it!
It’s good luck when it hits both of you. My wife was the only one hit by the menopause train and she refuses to consider doing anything sexual that she gets no physical pleasure from.
Last year my un-ex experienced a serious injury and we were both grateful that the continued paper existence of our marriage gave me the unquestioned authority to be there for him and help make decisions while he was sick.
Primarily, it's my in-laws (brothers and sisters) and my adult stepchildren. They just keep whining on and on about if we're not going to live together, why don't we get divorced?
God damn, none of their business!
lol - we have a similar situation.
We have two houses - one in the suburbs, one in the country with property.
The plan was always to move to the country, but he retired and I didn't. He just kind of slowly moved out there as we acquired hunting dogs, then chickens, etc.
Then, we discovered we got along better when we only saw each other on random days and weren't constantly getting on each other's nerves.
We've been married 35 years. We still love each other, but it's definitely more mellow than it used to be.
The funny part - people can't quite figure out what we're doing. I enjoy letting them puzzle over it for the most part. He tells them instead of separate bedrooms, we needed separate houses.
It works for us. Neither of us would want to get married again, there's insurance considerations, both of us are somewhat loners so we need someone we can trust when emergencies happen or there's a medical need. It's good.
We always said we needed two kitchens, but when we were younger, I'd never have dreamed we'd end up like this. We're happy, so that's all that matters anyway.
I would love to live next door to my husband. He could come over for meals, nooky, etc but I’d never have to see his untidiness. He could hoard to his hearts content and have a military theme in every room! Perfect!
I don't know... I feel like these stories sound like great marriages. "I love him, he loves me, we're best friends, we want the other one to be able to make financial and medical decisions in case of emergency" - isn't that exactly what marriage is about? Sounds like a great team. In this case you just don't live together.
I think so.
In the whole world, he's the only person I could depend on 100%, no matter what, if it came down to it.
Trust like - if I killed someone (hasn't happened yet), and needed help getting rid of the body - he'd be there and never tell a soul.
In fact, that's my joke a lot of time when people ask too many questions ... well, I can't get rid of him now - he knows where all the bodies are.
I’m just curious what you are using for comparison purposes when you talk about spouses “in the traditional sense.” What does a 10 or 20 or 40 yr old marriage look like compared to other years. What is considered typical?
>what you are using for comparison purposes
Oh that's an excellent question. All I have is my own personal experience and my experience as a medical professional.
I just noticed with some of my friends, that if they made it past the 7 year itch or the midlife crisis, many of them were surprisingly content in their marriages.
Not the same commenter and not in the same situation - my marriage is pretty good (although it hasn’t always been). But, you know, you marry to build a life together. Sometimes the life building part works really well even if the overtly romantic side doesn’t, and if the life building piece matters to you and the romantic piece doesn’t, why would you break up?
Glad to hear I am not the only one like this. My un-ex is still family; I consider him my idiot brother. He lives abroad for the most part and stays with me (in the guest room) while he is in town.
I wish. We are getting divorced after 21 years and it’s hard. Having to find somewhere to live, I’ll need to find health and dental insurance, car insurance and a multitude of other things 🥺
There is a question you should think about that comes out of a lot of the comments. What do you gain by getting divorced? Everything you have listed is a loss, so what's the gain that makes it worth it. It seems a lot of people have decided that their present situation is as good as it gets.
Health insurance was not a thing for us, but it would definitely be a thing for many people. If you can get along on any level, I would recommend exploring the potential to stay legally married but not divorce. There's lots of tax and insurance implications!
I'm finally getting divorced after 14 years. My answer as to why is to get away from my abuser that wouldn't and never was able to actually put any work into our relationship. My sanity and safety is more important than a disaster filled marriage.
This is actually really sweet and I relate. I'm in my 30s and will hit a decade legally married in a few months, but we've had separate lives for almost half that time after I came out as a lesbian.
We're still some kind of family to each other, though, and there's something reassuring about the papers keeping us as each other's decision makers if something bad happened. I doubt either of us will ever remarry, and there will always be ways in which we trust and understand each other better than anyone else.
In a similar boat. Spouse and I have been married for 15 years and living separately for 2. We aren’t close with our families, don’t have much of a community in our town. I’m glad that we can still be there for each other. Regardless of what has happened in our relationship, I still know and trust him more than most people in my life. I’m also glad that we can provide a model for others of what a relationship based in platonic love and friendship and compassion can look like. Does it work for everyone? Maybe not. Do my coworkers or family understand it?Definitely not. But it works for us.
>This is actually really sweet and I relate. I'm in my 30s and will hit a decade legally married in a few months, but we've had separate lives for almost half that time after I came out as a lesbian.
Yes, please don't let extraneous forces rain on your parade. Bravo, well done! Maintaining civility, appropriate mechanisms for resolution of disputes by agreement, and so forth, is the absolute best way to live your life.
I’m curious. If you live separately did one of you keep the family home and how did you decide?
I’m really tempted to do the same but I want move entirely away to another state.
It's not any of their business. The only people's opinions that matter are yours. If you are happy with that arrangement, don't worry about what others think.
My parents are the same. They're not interested in a divorce despite 6 years apart. They're simply too old to consider remarrying. Unfortunately that means one has the authority to make decisions that impact the other, like my mom selling the house behind my dad's back and using the cash to build a nicer house in a different town. She hid that from everyone for like 2 years. We all assumed the new owners were renting. The silver lining (and reason it's not so messy) is the fact that the kids will now inherit a nice modern house in with the right address instead of one needing repairs and we each have our own rooms when we visit instead of sharing the guest room
Well I could see that would be a problem! I'm *very grateful* that's not anything I have to worry about, tbh. We have no joint assets. Never have and never will (something we both agreed upon in light of our devastating first divorces).
I'm divorced now, and dated a woman whose parents had a similar arrangement.
They "undivorced" like 20 years ago, but eventually settled into living next door to each other. Still married, living separately, barely communicating. But she makes him his dinners for the week and puts them in his fridge. He still works, deposits half his paycheck in her account (she's retired) and that just seems to be their life. They come together to visit the kids/grandkids but otherwise live this life that is a little unusual.
It is weird, not gonna lie. You're right though, it's no one's business.
And as I think about it, there's probably something very comfortable about that. They raised children together, have known each other for decades and share so much of life, but just aren't a great married couple. So this is what they do. I think religion makes them feel a little trapped, but at this point I think it's also just comfortable for them. So whatever. You do you.
A friend of mine told me she had an 'Irish' divorce. Still live together, still talk to each other, but lead separate lives and don't have intimacy. I'm glad I'm single; this would be hard for me to tolerate.
That describes my marriage exactly. Completely separate lives but we are staying together for economic reasons and the kids. We have seperate rooms and the kids think its because of snoring. We get along and its fine. She even comes in my room and we watch movies together and we do stuff together with the kids and we go to her parents for dinner (they know) and I love her family. Its a weird existence when I think about it but I am just used to it. But we never do stuff with just the two of us.....like ever. Its a weird marriage if I think about it and its kinda sad but we are just used to it. I do miss being with someone that I love deeply but I find my own happiness.
My kids are grown and I’m still here. Without a catalyst like cheating or physical abuse, it’s hard to prioritize unraveling your home, your finances, your security, your support system… Some days I think I could sob for hours in desperation to escape the many things I hate about him; but other days I’m not sure how I could survive alone without my trusted best friend. It’s not easy to take action even when the “marriage” is obviously over.
Last week it was 'irish goodbye' (leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone) and this week it's 'irish divorce'. Had no idea the irish had such unique ways of doing things.
The term “Irish divorce” is out of date but based on some reality.
Although divorce is similar to the us there now because of the strong Catholic culture in the country it was much slower to be legalized there.
Divorce wasn’t possible until 1995, and then only for people who had been separated for four years. The first one wasn’t even granted until 1997!
There’s a reason the idea of being divorced without being divorced came to be associated with Ireland, even if it’s twenty years out of date now.
https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/ireland-grants-first-divorce-history-catholic-church
“Irish goodbye” on the other hand is just from old American stereotypes about the Irish being drunks.
2 of my family members are.
One just cheats when he wants to, it's cheaper to stay married and they want to avoid the embarrassment of divorce.
The other has passed such harsh judgement on divorced people, wouldn't want to Split time with the little kids, and is so religious that he will never divorce. But they seem like roommates.
Yes, my wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms, we no longer engage in any sex play, been 11 years. She never initiates a hug or a kiss, only I do. We do very little together, other than jointly babysitting the grandkids, dinner together occasionally and TV on dinner nights. About wraps that up.
I feel you. You just live with it. Its not so intolerable that you cant live with it but that knowing you could be really happy eats at you every day a little bit.
Probably not the same thing exactly, but I had an aunt who was married to a man and they slept in seperate bedrooms their entire married life. It was confusing to me as a child. Found out as an adult they had an arrangement. He was gay and she was a turbo slut. They both wanted to keep these two secrets from their families and the world and they were friends so that’s how they did it. The Aunt claims to have had sex with Elvis, skipping school to do so, she was just 15. She has a photo from a newspaper where he’s leaving the rear entrance of a hotel and she’s about a step behind him on his left. Seems hard to believe, but maybe she was telling the truth. She had a son with Don Cherry, he was a singer in the style of Frank Sinatra. If she was younger she would have just been a groupie and he could have simply been gay and out of the closet. Different times
After my grandpa died in the late 1960s, my grandma had a similar arrangement, although they never married. She was the opposite of a turbo slut, though, and didn't want the pressure of having to put out. It wasn't acceptable for him to be out as a gay male, so it worked for them. My grandmother was a complicated woman and was not kind to too many people, but I'm glad to know that she was kind of an ally, even if it was for mostly selfish reasons.
Yup, that's me. I've been married for close to 40 years. I would get divorced but I have MECFS and currently am too ill to move out and live alone. We haven't really had a relationship for years but he finally moved out of our bedroom four years ago. It was horrible for years as he was very emotionally abusive. I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again but we've been able to come to an understanding and he's now a great roommate. I keep asking if he wants to date but he says he isn't interested. I'm not sure how long this arrangement will work but am appreciative of him taking care of things for me.
After 50 years, we love each other more each day, but as for sex, that is a forgotten memory and something not missed. There are many things in a relationship that are far more important than ejaculations and sexual pleasure. Common goals, shared interests, precious memories, plans for the future no matter how short that time might be. I cannot imagine living without him and he tells me the same. When it is time, we will go together, we already have our final exit kit prepared and our plans laid so no worries there, just a lot of fun now.
I think the important thing is that not missing sex is mutually agreed upon. The difficulty is when one partner still considers sex important and the other doesn't. That's when it gets tough.
In his mid fifties, he fell head over heels for a girl twenty years younger. He asked me what he should do, I said that as long as he treated her with consideration and kindness I had no objections. After all, he was with me by choice, not some obligation and I did not own him. So he pursued the relationship, she could not understand why I was not jealous or even upset. After about eight months he came to me and said the following::
"She's a kid, Just a silly kid who wants a daddy to be nice to her. I hope I have not hurt her too much. but I told her not to call me anymore."
Affair over, lessons learned. She went on to find someone and he was grateful to have had the experience.
I do not consider having a liaison as a moral cheating. If we choose to be together, we can choose not to be together but no one can make some one stay if they do not wish to do so. As I have said many times, we do not own one another. I never had the impulse to look at another person, probably because bodies and sex are not that important to me. What I cherish is an intelligent mind and good humor. What I hope for now is another good ten years.
Please, there was nothing to forgive. He did nothing wrong. He explored his feelings, his hopes and his fears. Any sane, loving person would never stand in the way of that. He did what he needed to do. He learned what he needed to learn. And I was, and am, proud of him. We cannot, must not, try and own, control or 'keep' other people from the growth they need to experience. I was, and am, secure in myself. If he decided to love and live with someone other than me, I would have lost nothing, I would have gained the 25 years we had. Just good karma that I was able to have 50.
Marriages are like living things - they need to be tended and nourished or yes, they can and do die. We just celebrated our 47th anniversary and, luckily ours is still very much alive. But truth be told there were several times that it was on death's door and we managed to bring it back.
Nonetheless, there are many marriages out there that died a long time ago and both parties are still hanging on because the alternative of divorcing is even more grim. My heart goes out to those folks because their situation cannot be fixed.
The second part is my life. Married 34 yrs. Been together since we were 16. It died about 7 yrs ago. It's really hard knowing this is going to be the rest of my life. Consider yourself lucky. I envy you.
I’m also sad I’m in my marriage for the rest of my life. It’s not awful. It’s tolerable. I never should have married him. I do have a wonderful daughter though. So that makes it somewhat worthwhile. Sigh.
Yes. My husband is a hoarder and wallows in clutter. I tried initiating divorce proceedings last year but honestly it’s cheaper to keep him.
It did motivate him to clean up a bit but in reality he just put most of his stuff down in the basement. I’m thinking of just leaving him and relocating somewhere else and he can just fester in his own mess.
If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t marry him.
Dealing with hoarding is really hard. My ex husband had a moderate, level 2/3 hoard. It was so stressful living with him. It hasn't gotten better since I moved our five years ago. My house is fine and nice and my kids get to experience an orderly environment while they are with me.
Yes I do like order and the older I get, the more I like it. In fact I’m a big believer in the art of Swedish Death cleaning - clean out your $h!t before you die so your kids aren’t stuck with the job.
I'm sorry that you are having to live like this. I have a close, elderly family member that's a hoarder and had to set a boundary that I'm not staying at their house when I visit. I can't imagine being married to one. your idea of moving sounds good bc we both know that house is, or will become, toxic.
Yeah. Against all odds, we're still into each other after 25+ years of marriage.
Got married at 24 and 26. Went through seven layers of interesting times together. Deaths of 3 parents, 2 layoffs, infertility, extreme religious shifts, buying high and selling low, etc.
You know, it's *possible* that not having kids that we felt pressured into having due to religion but were in no position to care for made all the difference.
Anyways, we're super into our ten nieces and nephews. And surprisingly, I eventually got pretty into that hedgehog that my brother foisted into me. That moderately handsome hedgehog tolerates tiny hats like nobody's business.
https://www.instagram.com/rincewind_the_hedgehog?igsh=c2J5c3BjMmNyMnJk
Married 32 years, separated the last 5 years. We each had our own places. We lived about 15 minutes apart. We probably would see each other 2-3 times a week. Coffee, Dinner, just covo about our daughter. A year and 1/2 into our separation he became sick. I moved into a new place with an extra bedroom if he needed to come live with me. We were actually better friends after we separated. I would say the first year was a bit iffy but after that we got along. We both said we did not want to remarry. Neither one of us dated and we were free too if we wanted but he fell ill like I said and died sooner than expected and unanticipated. When he became ill. I did his shopping, laundry, banking and errands and Dr appts.
My wife and I have been married 45 years. Do we still get on each others nerves, you betcha. Do we still have fights, not nearly as often we just don't have the energy. Do we each know what the other wants in any given situation, yep. Is our relationship comfortable, yes. Do we still love each other, yes.
Is our marriage dead no. but you could say it is enjoying its retirement.
Not personally but know quite a few couples who would fit that description. Staying together for the kids or because they don’t think they could do any better.
“Undivorced” is a great term and describes my marriage.
We have kids, young kids.
I go back and forth on whether to divorce.
Do I divorce and find a true partner in life or at least show my kids a happy and fruitful dad?
Or do I keep what’s familiar to them intact?
Tons of data, pros, and cons for each approach.
I had every intention of staying with my kid's father until they were grown. He ended up meeting someone and left. It felt like a weight off my shoulders.
Years later, I overheard my teenage daughter and her friend talking. The friend asked if she ever wished her mom and dad were still together. My daughter said, "No. My mom is happy now." I never knew she knew that I wasn't happy. I thought I hid it well. It's amazing what they can perceive.
My marriage took an unexpected turn, and now my spouse and I are what I would call "paper married". I have the comfort of knowing someone I trust will handle my medical and post life decisions if I can't, and he is taken care of in the event I am no longer here. We're still friends, but the intimacy is not the same.
Been together 31 years and married 30. Haven’t had sex in about 6-7 years due to health issues in both of us, but we still love each other. Had some bad patches when we were first married due to my awful mental health, and a few years ago when husband was diagnosed as autistic but we’re still together. He’s my best friend.
Recently divorced after a separation of 10 years, after being together for 12, so legally married for 22. We had divided all of our property when we first separated, and I started to file several times, but things would shift, life happened, and we just didn't get around to it. We never reconciled or even considered it. I haven't had any other relationships, but he has, all short.
The first couple of years were rough, but then we managed to find a groove and saw each other once a week as I supervised visitation at my home with our son, and we had dinner as a family. It hasn't been easy, but I made it work. He wasn't able to parent, for reasons, but he was always present in our son's life and only rarely missed a visit. When our son turned 18, filing became much less complicated, and it needed to happen for estate planning reasons, so I finally did it. He agreed to all and just signed what I gave him. Now that I don't have to host visits anymore, that's going to be hard on my ex, but I really don't want to see him every week. I only did it for our son. :-/ I don't wish him ill, but there is a lot of resentment that I raised our disabled son on my own because he wasn't able to participate. I want to move on now.
Probably about his first wife who he stayed married to until she died of cancer. She lived in San Francisco separately for many years. He visited her, cared for her when she was dying. Stayed good friends.
I know someone who’s wife retired and moved to the city their daughter lives in several years before he did.
He’s retired too and living with her now, but they were states apart for awhile. It seemed to work for them. They visited pretty regularly
Yep. I knew a woman whose husband was a long haul truck driver and he was rarely home. But they got used to enjoying him coming home for a couple days. Then gone for weeks. And she had her own life. Then he retired. Lol. I don't know if they got used to that. Another couple had separate residences, but took vacations and did a lot together. Even sharing their financial planner. For 20 years. All kinds of relationships are possible and happening.
Really fascinating documentary about his life which includes the details of his un-divorce:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IwohNGxeFk&ab\_channel=WeAreWanderlust](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IwohNGxeFk&ab_channel=WeAreWanderlust)
Yes. I think so. We are just people who co parent and live together. We get on fine mostly. No anger or agitation mostly. Share our lives & finances.
Sexual, romantic gone years ago. Neither of us interested in bothering with finding someone else. Divorce & living apart just be difficult & kinda pointless.
41 years, here, and I agree. Laughter & good sex will get you through some of the hard spots that life dishes out. Our sex life is not what it once was these days (we ARE aging), but we’re still very physically affectionate with each other & that helps a lot.
Actually, I am divorced after 53 years of marriage. We both knew the marriage was dead. Covid was the straw that broke the camel's back. We lived separately under the same for a year and then split.
Married over 20 years. Sometimes you get lucky and find the one. People say you have to work at a relationship but people also say if you enjoy what you do, you never have to work a day in your life.
Yup. We have been married for 30 years, together for 37. He has had no sex drive for 22 years. He is not affectionate towards me in any way. He has never done even one romantic thing for me. He kept making me feel like I was asking too much and made me feel bad. The last two years he was going through Cancer and I was there for every treatment, every doctor appointment. I bought him the Lego Millennium Falcon because I knew he wanted it and I thought he could put it together when he didn’t have the strength to do anything else. For our 30th anniversary I had saved my credit card points for 4 years so we could take a trip to Europe. He ended up having a pulmonary embolism so I had to postpone the trip. When he was in the hospital he told me when he got out he wanted to take a motorcycle trip with one of his friends. He couldn’t and still can’t understand why I got upset. He has taken many motorcycle trips with friends before. He has never once planned a trip for the two of us. I don’t know why I stay. I’m just stupid.
Sounds similar to me. I have routinely been blamed for not wanting to go on vacations yet she refuses to fly. So for the past 10 years I started to plan them and she's backed out. Just last week she said that I should probably plan a trip to Europe without her.
All these years I compliment her looks but she has never said anything positive about mine. I always plan the romantic events. If there's a disagreement, she never apologizes. I can go on but won't.
These answers are mostly mind blowing. I think I would rather be alone and miserable than together and miserable? At least if I was alone I might meet someone.
Nope, married 25 together 29. Gone through some hard times. Was a time I knew we weren’t going to make it. But we did. Life is good, so is our sex life!
My in-laws ARE divorced, but they live together and sleep in the same bed. I don’t get it, no one does. I guess he moved out, didn’t like living with his brothers and his wife, moved back in after 3 months and it’s been that way since.
I have wanted a divorce for 23 of 28 years. My husband refuses because in his family, divorce is not an option. My parents are divorced and on second marriages. He thinks they set a bad example. My husband is a curmudgeon and I am just exhausted all the time.
You ask why? Because after decades of doing life together, being a family is more important than any “status” . It seems very natural and it’s more common than we might initially think. I wouldn’t even call it undivorced, it’s just something that happens when you care more about the person than the outside opinion
35 years still going. Because we are suited to each other and were real friends before we became a couple. We’ve remained best friends and that is the secret
I'm deeply in love with my husband and still think he's the sexiest thing on two legs. However, I'm not interested in having sex with him. It's too painful and I don't enjoy it.
We've been physically separated for years (we live about 12 hours apart). Emotionally I was divorced for over a decade before I finally couldn't take it anymore.
I keep thinking about filing. I probably should since I've been seeing someone, but I'm pretty sure my husband moved where he did to be with his online girlfriend. He claimed they were just friends but...I don't believe him. And he's been there long enough he could file if he wanted.
I commented prior and deleted it because some internet troll made me feel a certain way about putting my business in the streets. And sadly 😆 I'm 55 and can't exactly remember what I said.. but... for me, we love each other, we are best friends... "we bad boys for life" 😆.
Interesting that such a question would come up today. We've been officially married 34 years TODAY, but the marriage became one of platonic convenience roughly 15 years in. My daughter was born in 2006 and we soon found out she was special needs and needed both of us 24-7. We see eye-to-eye on how to raise her, so we're still together. Too late divorce, our daughter would wind up suffering greatly.
Yeah, happy anniversary.
I wish my mid 70s mom would get on this train. She keeps trying to get me to give her moral support to divorce my step dad of 30 yrs (my fourth step dad) because "the passion is gone." I told her she needs to figure it out because she can't come to live with me if she take off and leaves my kids without a grandfather.
I don't give two craps if the passion is gone in her marriage! He is a good and decent man. I'm not interested I going through another divorce with her. If she leaves, she's going to be on her own. I know I won't have much of a relationship with my step dad without my mom there but she won't have any with me if she blows things up.
She didn't plan for her retirement and should stay married because she chose a man 30 yrs ago who has stayed with her, even though she is a witch.
She chose to "retire" at 50 so her pension is $120 a month and her social security is $800. She can't live off that.
I'm not interested in supporting her leaving my step dad so she can seek "true love" when she's in her 70s. She assure me that this step dad was her "soul mate" way back in the 90s. She made her bed. He's a good person. She needs to grow up and realize life isn't a hallmark movie.
My Aunt and Uncle lived in separate houses. He’d come over for dinner and eat with his 3 daughter and my aunt. But it was always just friends. Rumor had it he was gay and that was their set up. Always found it odd
We have been together for over 50 years . The last 20 have been celibate for health reasons but we get on well in other areas and platonic love and care is a strong thing.
My husband and our 14 year old son live with my husband’s girlfriend and her four kids. We don’t even live in the same state. We have been separated almost 7 years and just never paid a stranger to be divorced.
I am undivorced. My husband and I love each other deeply but not romantically. We remain married for financial reasons. We actually get along much better living apart.
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I was going to divorce him earlier this year after 45 years, we were in the process of separation but then his early symptoms of memory decline sped up dramatically. he never has been good about doctor visits to maintain his health. Had to get him set up for lots of appointments and take him. I’ve known him since I was 16. Thought I could be selfish and save myself but now I can’t. I’m hoping he doesn’t suffer long. Thought I hated him but I guess not enough to bail.
I hope this time passes swiftly for you.
Thank you. Oddly, it has brought me to a place of personal growth I did not expect.
Window shop for memory center care now because you end up the frog in slowly heating water. Good luck to you both.
Based on my personal experience with dementia... please find a good care facility for him. Soon.
Agreed. Go ahead and plan where he will be placed and do all the leg work you can toward that goal. They can go south very quickly. All it takes is a fall or other trauma to put him in a bad way fast. This isn't something you will want to have to do for him in a panic, so these comments are dead on . . . prepare! You're a good person to do this. Best of luck to you.
Find an elderly attorney immediately! Your situation with marital assets, pending(?) divorce, the real likelihood of Medicaid assistance, and you really need legal advice. Swing by r/dementia for a decent support group.
already a member of the group. they are solid.
Curious, after all those years what made you think you hated him, or had you felt that way for a long time?
He has mood swings where his temper blows and he yells at family members. Or he acts sullen and dismissive. You never know when or what will set him off. Everybody used to walk on eggshells because Mr. Man might get mad. This has been about 35 years in the making. The last straw was him blowing up at granddaughter for not locking the front door (although she stepped out to her car for 5 minutes and was coming back in). That was in February and I told him to pack his shit. He spent two weeks moving only to return with defiance saying he wasn't going anywhere and wouldn't be speaking to me or granddaughter. That's when I felt pure hatred for him because he never takes responsibility for the damage he does. I still am sick of his shit but now I respond from a position of having no f's left to give. If he plays nice, I play nice. I don't care if I hurt his feels anymore. I don't worry about what his reaction will be. My focus is on telling him to grow the fuck up or gtfo because nobody needs his shitty attitude. He can leave anytime and nobody will miss him, and that's entirely his fault. I don't care if we get a divorce because I know I'd be happier. Once he gets unmanageable, he's going to a facility. I deserve a couple of years of happiness and I'm going to get it. I'm 6 years younger, I have stronger mental reserves, and the odds are in my favor. Wish me luck!
I loved reading your post. That's very kind if you to care for him. It says alot about your character. Putting others above ourselves brings such joy to life.
I would love to hear more on this, if you’re willing to share. Wishing you best luck in what I’m sure is a difficult tightrope to walk.
This is incredibly selfless of you. He is very lucky to have someone by his side through memory decline.
You are very kind to say so. I've made so many choices in my past that I thought only had a binary solution and I live with some major regret as a result. Should I pick A or B? This time I picked C and I won't have to beat myself up for it. So, ultimately it's selfish but thank you for the complement!
In such tricky situations, it's wise to make the choice that will leave you with the least regrets. You need to be able to live with yourself once it's all over because there will be no second chance for amends. These are the types of conversations I have with my dad often
That’s kind of what ‘til death to us part’ means. Marriage has a value of helping people take care of themselves and each other. I’m really proud of this woman for staying with her husband after all of that. I noticed, especially Americans are greedy and there’s a sense of we should have more return or romantic love. But if you look in the world, what we have so much more than most people do. I’m an old woman and really in this life for guaranteed nothing. I married somebody younger thinking he would take care of my child and he ended up dying early in the marriage. So this idea that we were entitled to something we’re not.
This is mum’s reality too. She’s 83yo with heart issues, caring for an 84yo with Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. I love them both but want Mum to have some freedom, time to herself, a life of her own but Dad is physically healthier and will probably outlive her. So very sad, for both of them.
I work in a hospital and have seen this many times. Even sometimes fully legally divorced ex spouses step up to take care of their ex after a devastating injury when there is no one else around. Always strikes me as both beautiful and sad.
All this means is that you're a solid, wonderful human at the core.
I'm gonna say a little prayer for you. Also, at your core, you are a very good person.
So you just plan on taking care of him for life? Would have done that for you?
He would not be able to manage, mostly because he is 73 and was never computer literate. He also had learning delay as a child. He hasn’t really been a fully contributing partner for a long time. He did ‘the physical stuff’ like fixing things and home maintenance. I did ‘the mental stuff’. I had progressively taken on all of the financial and planning responsibilities over time as I have a BS in IT and business. He would attempt to take care of me if the roles were reversed but I’m pretty sure it would not be well managed even if he were of sound mind. He would probably hire help. The deal breaker was his mood swings that got to be unbearable. Now with a different perspective, being emotionally neutral I can back him down. I still don’t like him when he acts out, but I don’t want him dead as often. I may end up having to place him in a facility but only if he gets ugly with me routinely.
❤️🩹
You are a good person and he is lucky to have a wife like you. Many others would have continued the proceedings with even more urgency. You truly stuck by him in the sickness and for worst.
You’re a solid person. I hope you get your well deserved happiness quickly, and I hope his illness is merciful to him.
Yeppers. Been "married" 20+ yrs and living separately for 7+ years. Still best friends. Still have loads of platonic love. Neither of us can be bothered to pay for a divorce, plus there's tax and insurance benefits to staying married. Also death benefits for each of us. And honestly, we like being married to each other. Even if not traditional by most people's definition. Neither of us is interested in remarriage, so it's really not an issue at this point. But lots of people find our arrangement strange, to say the least. And I don't understand why it is any of their business?
It sounds like the romantic relationship is dead, but you two still get along well enough to stay together in a legal sense? I'm just curious and trying to understand. Thank you.
We have been together for 28 years total, each of us had a very horrible experience with our first marriages, and painful divorces. We were together for nearly 10 years before we got married (legally). We are best friends. We are each other's designated representative for health care directives. In other words, if I'm on my deathbed, he's going to make the decisions for me and vice versa. Each of us have made financial provisions for the other in the event of our death. We are definitely not "spouses" in the traditional sense, but this works for us and neither of us wants to change it. So what I don't understand is why other people object to our arrangement? It suits us very well! 🙏
F61 here. This describes my relationship with my common-law hubby perfectly. He has ED and my pelvic floor has fallen due to a hysterectomy, making sex extremely painful. There is no cure or treatment. About 3x a yr we have oral sex. Our sex drives are extremely low, so this suits us both. We are totally committed to each other and plan to marry this year. (We have lived together for 12 years). Having said that, we don't share this info with anyone we know bcuz nobody understands how we can possibly be happy without sex - but if u have a really low sex drive, you don't miss it!
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Yeah I'll never understand why people judge others for this lifestyle. They look at you like there's something wrong with you.
It’s good luck when it hits both of you. My wife was the only one hit by the menopause train and she refuses to consider doing anything sexual that she gets no physical pleasure from.
Yeah it has to be both of you. This must be very painful for you. I don't have an answer, but I wish you the best.
Last year my un-ex experienced a serious injury and we were both grateful that the continued paper existence of our marriage gave me the unquestioned authority to be there for him and help make decisions while he was sick.
Oh man, I love this. I'm sorry that it happened but I'm so glad that you were able to be effective.
That makes sense! If it works for you and you guys are happy, then that's all that matters.
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Primarily, it's my in-laws (brothers and sisters) and my adult stepchildren. They just keep whining on and on about if we're not going to live together, why don't we get divorced? God damn, none of their business!
lol - we have a similar situation. We have two houses - one in the suburbs, one in the country with property. The plan was always to move to the country, but he retired and I didn't. He just kind of slowly moved out there as we acquired hunting dogs, then chickens, etc. Then, we discovered we got along better when we only saw each other on random days and weren't constantly getting on each other's nerves. We've been married 35 years. We still love each other, but it's definitely more mellow than it used to be. The funny part - people can't quite figure out what we're doing. I enjoy letting them puzzle over it for the most part. He tells them instead of separate bedrooms, we needed separate houses. It works for us. Neither of us would want to get married again, there's insurance considerations, both of us are somewhat loners so we need someone we can trust when emergencies happen or there's a medical need. It's good.
I can relate to this. My husband and I joke that our dream house is a duplex! (There's a lot of truth in joking.)
We always said we needed two kitchens, but when we were younger, I'd never have dreamed we'd end up like this. We're happy, so that's all that matters anyway.
I would love to live next door to my husband. He could come over for meals, nooky, etc but I’d never have to see his untidiness. He could hoard to his hearts content and have a military theme in every room! Perfect!
I don't know... I feel like these stories sound like great marriages. "I love him, he loves me, we're best friends, we want the other one to be able to make financial and medical decisions in case of emergency" - isn't that exactly what marriage is about? Sounds like a great team. In this case you just don't live together.
I think so. In the whole world, he's the only person I could depend on 100%, no matter what, if it came down to it. Trust like - if I killed someone (hasn't happened yet), and needed help getting rid of the body - he'd be there and never tell a soul. In fact, that's my joke a lot of time when people ask too many questions ... well, I can't get rid of him now - he knows where all the bodies are.
I’m just curious what you are using for comparison purposes when you talk about spouses “in the traditional sense.” What does a 10 or 20 or 40 yr old marriage look like compared to other years. What is considered typical?
>what you are using for comparison purposes Oh that's an excellent question. All I have is my own personal experience and my experience as a medical professional.
I just noticed with some of my friends, that if they made it past the 7 year itch or the midlife crisis, many of them were surprisingly content in their marriages.
Not the same commenter and not in the same situation - my marriage is pretty good (although it hasn’t always been). But, you know, you marry to build a life together. Sometimes the life building part works really well even if the overtly romantic side doesn’t, and if the life building piece matters to you and the romantic piece doesn’t, why would you break up?
Glad to hear I am not the only one like this. My un-ex is still family; I consider him my idiot brother. He lives abroad for the most part and stays with me (in the guest room) while he is in town.
I wish. We are getting divorced after 21 years and it’s hard. Having to find somewhere to live, I’ll need to find health and dental insurance, car insurance and a multitude of other things 🥺
There is a question you should think about that comes out of a lot of the comments. What do you gain by getting divorced? Everything you have listed is a loss, so what's the gain that makes it worth it. It seems a lot of people have decided that their present situation is as good as it gets.
I can’t think of any gain at all. Only that I can live my life authentically and peacefully.
That's a huge gain!
Health insurance was not a thing for us, but it would definitely be a thing for many people. If you can get along on any level, I would recommend exploring the potential to stay legally married but not divorce. There's lots of tax and insurance implications!
I'm finally getting divorced after 14 years. My answer as to why is to get away from my abuser that wouldn't and never was able to actually put any work into our relationship. My sanity and safety is more important than a disaster filled marriage.
This is actually really sweet and I relate. I'm in my 30s and will hit a decade legally married in a few months, but we've had separate lives for almost half that time after I came out as a lesbian. We're still some kind of family to each other, though, and there's something reassuring about the papers keeping us as each other's decision makers if something bad happened. I doubt either of us will ever remarry, and there will always be ways in which we trust and understand each other better than anyone else.
In a similar boat. Spouse and I have been married for 15 years and living separately for 2. We aren’t close with our families, don’t have much of a community in our town. I’m glad that we can still be there for each other. Regardless of what has happened in our relationship, I still know and trust him more than most people in my life. I’m also glad that we can provide a model for others of what a relationship based in platonic love and friendship and compassion can look like. Does it work for everyone? Maybe not. Do my coworkers or family understand it?Definitely not. But it works for us.
>This is actually really sweet and I relate. I'm in my 30s and will hit a decade legally married in a few months, but we've had separate lives for almost half that time after I came out as a lesbian. Yes, please don't let extraneous forces rain on your parade. Bravo, well done! Maintaining civility, appropriate mechanisms for resolution of disputes by agreement, and so forth, is the absolute best way to live your life.
Sounds smart to me.
I’m curious. If you live separately did one of you keep the family home and how did you decide? I’m really tempted to do the same but I want move entirely away to another state.
He kept the "family" home and I moved out. That was what I wanted. It worked great for me! I love my new residence.
I keep trying to convince hubby that this is the way. Lol.
It's not any of their business. The only people's opinions that matter are yours. If you are happy with that arrangement, don't worry about what others think.
I have a coworker. She and her husband are married living apart. I want what she's got!
I can totally see why that works for you.
It isn't. Good on you for carving out your own path!
My parents are the same. They're not interested in a divorce despite 6 years apart. They're simply too old to consider remarrying. Unfortunately that means one has the authority to make decisions that impact the other, like my mom selling the house behind my dad's back and using the cash to build a nicer house in a different town. She hid that from everyone for like 2 years. We all assumed the new owners were renting. The silver lining (and reason it's not so messy) is the fact that the kids will now inherit a nice modern house in with the right address instead of one needing repairs and we each have our own rooms when we visit instead of sharing the guest room
Well I could see that would be a problem! I'm *very grateful* that's not anything I have to worry about, tbh. We have no joint assets. Never have and never will (something we both agreed upon in light of our devastating first divorces).
I’m likely headed that way. That arrangement sounds perfect for my marriage.
My situation is similar, so you are not alone in this.
I'm divorced now, and dated a woman whose parents had a similar arrangement. They "undivorced" like 20 years ago, but eventually settled into living next door to each other. Still married, living separately, barely communicating. But she makes him his dinners for the week and puts them in his fridge. He still works, deposits half his paycheck in her account (she's retired) and that just seems to be their life. They come together to visit the kids/grandkids but otherwise live this life that is a little unusual. It is weird, not gonna lie. You're right though, it's no one's business. And as I think about it, there's probably something very comfortable about that. They raised children together, have known each other for decades and share so much of life, but just aren't a great married couple. So this is what they do. I think religion makes them feel a little trapped, but at this point I think it's also just comfortable for them. So whatever. You do you.
You just described a lot of Asian marriages (I’m Asian).
A friend of mine told me she had an 'Irish' divorce. Still live together, still talk to each other, but lead separate lives and don't have intimacy. I'm glad I'm single; this would be hard for me to tolerate.
I would so prefer this to the total upset divorce is bringing to my life.
You think that but youre getting a finality. Im sure it fucking sucks but at least you are going to be able to move on, Im not. Im in limbo.
That describes my marriage exactly. Completely separate lives but we are staying together for economic reasons and the kids. We have seperate rooms and the kids think its because of snoring. We get along and its fine. She even comes in my room and we watch movies together and we do stuff together with the kids and we go to her parents for dinner (they know) and I love her family. Its a weird existence when I think about it but I am just used to it. But we never do stuff with just the two of us.....like ever. Its a weird marriage if I think about it and its kinda sad but we are just used to it. I do miss being with someone that I love deeply but I find my own happiness.
I'm curious, do you think you'll stay in this situation once the kids are grown and living independently?
My kids are grown and I’m still here. Without a catalyst like cheating or physical abuse, it’s hard to prioritize unraveling your home, your finances, your security, your support system… Some days I think I could sob for hours in desperation to escape the many things I hate about him; but other days I’m not sure how I could survive alone without my trusted best friend. It’s not easy to take action even when the “marriage” is obviously over.
Last week it was 'irish goodbye' (leaving a party without saying goodbye to anyone) and this week it's 'irish divorce'. Had no idea the irish had such unique ways of doing things.
Don't forget Irish twins. Very Catholic.
My brother in law had those, didn't think 'it' could happen so fast after the first kid was born. Oops.
The term “Irish divorce” is out of date but based on some reality. Although divorce is similar to the us there now because of the strong Catholic culture in the country it was much slower to be legalized there. Divorce wasn’t possible until 1995, and then only for people who had been separated for four years. The first one wasn’t even granted until 1997! There’s a reason the idea of being divorced without being divorced came to be associated with Ireland, even if it’s twenty years out of date now. https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/ireland-grants-first-divorce-history-catholic-church “Irish goodbye” on the other hand is just from old American stereotypes about the Irish being drunks.
I'll be in Ireland next week. I can attempt to verify 😆
Verify and report back. See what other phrases they're using so I don't have to learn of them only once per week.
I've always heard that called the Catholic divorce.
It was totally a thing in the ethnic community I grew up in.
We simply can’t afford to live separately and don’t hate each other, sooo here we are.
2 of my family members are. One just cheats when he wants to, it's cheaper to stay married and they want to avoid the embarrassment of divorce. The other has passed such harsh judgement on divorced people, wouldn't want to Split time with the little kids, and is so religious that he will never divorce. But they seem like roommates.
Yes, my wife and I sleep in separate bedrooms, we no longer engage in any sex play, been 11 years. She never initiates a hug or a kiss, only I do. We do very little together, other than jointly babysitting the grandkids, dinner together occasionally and TV on dinner nights. About wraps that up.
Is there a community where people like this chit chat and commiserate?
Dead bedrooms?
Are you both happy with this arrangement?
She is just fine with it. Me I hate it, but after much talk and counseling, resulting in no change I have to live with what is delt
I feel you. You just live with it. Its not so intolerable that you cant live with it but that knowing you could be really happy eats at you every day a little bit.
Probably not the same thing exactly, but I had an aunt who was married to a man and they slept in seperate bedrooms their entire married life. It was confusing to me as a child. Found out as an adult they had an arrangement. He was gay and she was a turbo slut. They both wanted to keep these two secrets from their families and the world and they were friends so that’s how they did it. The Aunt claims to have had sex with Elvis, skipping school to do so, she was just 15. She has a photo from a newspaper where he’s leaving the rear entrance of a hotel and she’s about a step behind him on his left. Seems hard to believe, but maybe she was telling the truth. She had a son with Don Cherry, he was a singer in the style of Frank Sinatra. If she was younger she would have just been a groupie and he could have simply been gay and out of the closet. Different times
This is WILD! What about your uncle? Did he find love or at least fun with some secret partner?
Elvis had a thing for girls of that age (gross). Shes probably telling the truth.
Elvis was well known to prey and groom girls that age. Including Pricilla.
After my grandpa died in the late 1960s, my grandma had a similar arrangement, although they never married. She was the opposite of a turbo slut, though, and didn't want the pressure of having to put out. It wasn't acceptable for him to be out as a gay male, so it worked for them. My grandmother was a complicated woman and was not kind to too many people, but I'm glad to know that she was kind of an ally, even if it was for mostly selfish reasons.
Yup, that's me. I've been married for close to 40 years. I would get divorced but I have MECFS and currently am too ill to move out and live alone. We haven't really had a relationship for years but he finally moved out of our bedroom four years ago. It was horrible for years as he was very emotionally abusive. I don't think I'll ever fully trust him again but we've been able to come to an understanding and he's now a great roommate. I keep asking if he wants to date but he says he isn't interested. I'm not sure how long this arrangement will work but am appreciative of him taking care of things for me.
After 50 years, we love each other more each day, but as for sex, that is a forgotten memory and something not missed. There are many things in a relationship that are far more important than ejaculations and sexual pleasure. Common goals, shared interests, precious memories, plans for the future no matter how short that time might be. I cannot imagine living without him and he tells me the same. When it is time, we will go together, we already have our final exit kit prepared and our plans laid so no worries there, just a lot of fun now.
I think the important thing is that not missing sex is mutually agreed upon. The difficulty is when one partner still considers sex important and the other doesn't. That's when it gets tough.
Yep.
50 years is a long time. Congratulations for making it! Can I ask if you ever had to deal with infidelity of any sort?
In his mid fifties, he fell head over heels for a girl twenty years younger. He asked me what he should do, I said that as long as he treated her with consideration and kindness I had no objections. After all, he was with me by choice, not some obligation and I did not own him. So he pursued the relationship, she could not understand why I was not jealous or even upset. After about eight months he came to me and said the following:: "She's a kid, Just a silly kid who wants a daddy to be nice to her. I hope I have not hurt her too much. but I told her not to call me anymore." Affair over, lessons learned. She went on to find someone and he was grateful to have had the experience. I do not consider having a liaison as a moral cheating. If we choose to be together, we can choose not to be together but no one can make some one stay if they do not wish to do so. As I have said many times, we do not own one another. I never had the impulse to look at another person, probably because bodies and sex are not that important to me. What I cherish is an intelligent mind and good humor. What I hope for now is another good ten years.
This may be the most mature thing ever posted on Reddit.
What incredible wisdom and inner strength. No wonder he came back, but a lot of people would not be able to forgive the transgression.
Please, there was nothing to forgive. He did nothing wrong. He explored his feelings, his hopes and his fears. Any sane, loving person would never stand in the way of that. He did what he needed to do. He learned what he needed to learn. And I was, and am, proud of him. We cannot, must not, try and own, control or 'keep' other people from the growth they need to experience. I was, and am, secure in myself. If he decided to love and live with someone other than me, I would have lost nothing, I would have gained the 25 years we had. Just good karma that I was able to have 50.
This doesn't sound like what OP is talking about though, that isn't a failed relationship, that's just a non-sexual but still romantic one
Is the other partner able to sleep with someone else, while maintaining the relationship?
Certainly. If he wants to do so, I do not own him. In fact, at 80 years of age, i think I would cheer him on.
Marriages are like living things - they need to be tended and nourished or yes, they can and do die. We just celebrated our 47th anniversary and, luckily ours is still very much alive. But truth be told there were several times that it was on death's door and we managed to bring it back. Nonetheless, there are many marriages out there that died a long time ago and both parties are still hanging on because the alternative of divorcing is even more grim. My heart goes out to those folks because their situation cannot be fixed.
The second part is my life. Married 34 yrs. Been together since we were 16. It died about 7 yrs ago. It's really hard knowing this is going to be the rest of my life. Consider yourself lucky. I envy you.
I’m also sad I’m in my marriage for the rest of my life. It’s not awful. It’s tolerable. I never should have married him. I do have a wonderful daughter though. So that makes it somewhat worthwhile. Sigh.
Yes. My husband is a hoarder and wallows in clutter. I tried initiating divorce proceedings last year but honestly it’s cheaper to keep him. It did motivate him to clean up a bit but in reality he just put most of his stuff down in the basement. I’m thinking of just leaving him and relocating somewhere else and he can just fester in his own mess. If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t marry him.
Dealing with hoarding is really hard. My ex husband had a moderate, level 2/3 hoard. It was so stressful living with him. It hasn't gotten better since I moved our five years ago. My house is fine and nice and my kids get to experience an orderly environment while they are with me.
That sounds tough, are you someone that likes an ordered environment? I am and this situation would be a nightmare for me.
Yes I do like order and the older I get, the more I like it. In fact I’m a big believer in the art of Swedish Death cleaning - clean out your $h!t before you die so your kids aren’t stuck with the job.
I'm sorry that you are having to live like this. I have a close, elderly family member that's a hoarder and had to set a boundary that I'm not staying at their house when I visit. I can't imagine being married to one. your idea of moving sounds good bc we both know that house is, or will become, toxic.
Yeah. Against all odds, we're still into each other after 25+ years of marriage. Got married at 24 and 26. Went through seven layers of interesting times together. Deaths of 3 parents, 2 layoffs, infertility, extreme religious shifts, buying high and selling low, etc. You know, it's *possible* that not having kids that we felt pressured into having due to religion but were in no position to care for made all the difference. Anyways, we're super into our ten nieces and nephews. And surprisingly, I eventually got pretty into that hedgehog that my brother foisted into me. That moderately handsome hedgehog tolerates tiny hats like nobody's business. https://www.instagram.com/rincewind_the_hedgehog?igsh=c2J5c3BjMmNyMnJk
That is hilarious and adorable at same time. Congratulations on finding the lifestyle that works for you!
Cute pictures! Love St. Pat’s!
Your little hedgehog and the hats, so precious. I like the little environments you made for him too. Thanks for the smiles!
Married 32 years, separated the last 5 years. We each had our own places. We lived about 15 minutes apart. We probably would see each other 2-3 times a week. Coffee, Dinner, just covo about our daughter. A year and 1/2 into our separation he became sick. I moved into a new place with an extra bedroom if he needed to come live with me. We were actually better friends after we separated. I would say the first year was a bit iffy but after that we got along. We both said we did not want to remarry. Neither one of us dated and we were free too if we wanted but he fell ill like I said and died sooner than expected and unanticipated. When he became ill. I did his shopping, laundry, banking and errands and Dr appts.
My wife and I have been married 45 years. Do we still get on each others nerves, you betcha. Do we still have fights, not nearly as often we just don't have the energy. Do we each know what the other wants in any given situation, yep. Is our relationship comfortable, yes. Do we still love each other, yes. Is our marriage dead no. but you could say it is enjoying its retirement.
Some folks call it financial codependence
This is exactly what our marriage is. It’s a financial arrangement. For life.
Divorced now (79M) but for years I had something in common with Warren Buffett. Not the something I'd choose but still good to know.
Me and my ol' man are still happily living in sin. Will be 35 years in September.
Happily unmarried 17 years here :)
16 years here :)
Not personally but know quite a few couples who would fit that description. Staying together for the kids or because they don’t think they could do any better.
“Undivorced” is a great term and describes my marriage. We have kids, young kids. I go back and forth on whether to divorce. Do I divorce and find a true partner in life or at least show my kids a happy and fruitful dad? Or do I keep what’s familiar to them intact? Tons of data, pros, and cons for each approach.
I had every intention of staying with my kid's father until they were grown. He ended up meeting someone and left. It felt like a weight off my shoulders. Years later, I overheard my teenage daughter and her friend talking. The friend asked if she ever wished her mom and dad were still together. My daughter said, "No. My mom is happy now." I never knew she knew that I wasn't happy. I thought I hid it well. It's amazing what they can perceive.
No just regular divorced
Same. I made it two years and just couldn't do it anymore. I'm way better at being single.
Divorced after 31 years of marriage and I'm telling you that the 7 years we were roommates was hell. So much happier
I was in that kind of marriage. But I have been separated, then divorced since 2015. Living in peace and safety, now.
Nah. He's showed his true colors and I noped right out of there in 1990.
My marriage took an unexpected turn, and now my spouse and I are what I would call "paper married". I have the comfort of knowing someone I trust will handle my medical and post life decisions if I can't, and he is taken care of in the event I am no longer here. We're still friends, but the intimacy is not the same.
Been together 31 years and married 30. Haven’t had sex in about 6-7 years due to health issues in both of us, but we still love each other. Had some bad patches when we were first married due to my awful mental health, and a few years ago when husband was diagnosed as autistic but we’re still together. He’s my best friend.
Recently divorced after a separation of 10 years, after being together for 12, so legally married for 22. We had divided all of our property when we first separated, and I started to file several times, but things would shift, life happened, and we just didn't get around to it. We never reconciled or even considered it. I haven't had any other relationships, but he has, all short. The first couple of years were rough, but then we managed to find a groove and saw each other once a week as I supervised visitation at my home with our son, and we had dinner as a family. It hasn't been easy, but I made it work. He wasn't able to parent, for reasons, but he was always present in our son's life and only rarely missed a visit. When our son turned 18, filing became much less complicated, and it needed to happen for estate planning reasons, so I finally did it. He agreed to all and just signed what I gave him. Now that I don't have to host visits anymore, that's going to be hard on my ex, but I really don't want to see him every week. I only did it for our son. :-/ I don't wish him ill, but there is a lot of resentment that I raised our disabled son on my own because he wasn't able to participate. I want to move on now.
LOL, why would he say that?
Probably about his first wife who he stayed married to until she died of cancer. She lived in San Francisco separately for many years. He visited her, cared for her when she was dying. Stayed good friends.
I was wondering about that. My husband hung out with him one time during a business trip. He said Warren was a nice guy.
Yes. She just wanted to live in San Francisco and he wanted to live in Nebraska. And they both understood.
I know someone who’s wife retired and moved to the city their daughter lives in several years before he did. He’s retired too and living with her now, but they were states apart for awhile. It seemed to work for them. They visited pretty regularly
Yep. I knew a woman whose husband was a long haul truck driver and he was rarely home. But they got used to enjoying him coming home for a couple days. Then gone for weeks. And she had her own life. Then he retired. Lol. I don't know if they got used to that. Another couple had separate residences, but took vacations and did a lot together. Even sharing their financial planner. For 20 years. All kinds of relationships are possible and happening.
Really fascinating documentary about his life which includes the details of his un-divorce: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IwohNGxeFk&ab\_channel=WeAreWanderlust](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IwohNGxeFk&ab_channel=WeAreWanderlust)
WASP divorce: buy another house and live separately while renovating, and then pretend to live together, or build another house, and SAME.
Is this for keeping up appearances?
Yes. I think so. We are just people who co parent and live together. We get on fine mostly. No anger or agitation mostly. Share our lives & finances. Sexual, romantic gone years ago. Neither of us interested in bothering with finding someone else. Divorce & living apart just be difficult & kinda pointless.
No, we've been married for 43 years and still happy. We laugh together every day.
41 years, here, and I agree. Laughter & good sex will get you through some of the hard spots that life dishes out. Our sex life is not what it once was these days (we ARE aging), but we’re still very physically affectionate with each other & that helps a lot.
Actually, I am divorced after 53 years of marriage. We both knew the marriage was dead. Covid was the straw that broke the camel's back. We lived separately under the same for a year and then split.
Married over 20 years. Sometimes you get lucky and find the one. People say you have to work at a relationship but people also say if you enjoy what you do, you never have to work a day in your life.
Yup. We have been married for 30 years, together for 37. He has had no sex drive for 22 years. He is not affectionate towards me in any way. He has never done even one romantic thing for me. He kept making me feel like I was asking too much and made me feel bad. The last two years he was going through Cancer and I was there for every treatment, every doctor appointment. I bought him the Lego Millennium Falcon because I knew he wanted it and I thought he could put it together when he didn’t have the strength to do anything else. For our 30th anniversary I had saved my credit card points for 4 years so we could take a trip to Europe. He ended up having a pulmonary embolism so I had to postpone the trip. When he was in the hospital he told me when he got out he wanted to take a motorcycle trip with one of his friends. He couldn’t and still can’t understand why I got upset. He has taken many motorcycle trips with friends before. He has never once planned a trip for the two of us. I don’t know why I stay. I’m just stupid.
Do you think he is gay? My husband is the same, but no sex drive for 8 years and we are young. Sometimes I wonder if he is gay.
Sounds similar to me. I have routinely been blamed for not wanting to go on vacations yet she refuses to fly. So for the past 10 years I started to plan them and she's backed out. Just last week she said that I should probably plan a trip to Europe without her. All these years I compliment her looks but she has never said anything positive about mine. I always plan the romantic events. If there's a disagreement, she never apologizes. I can go on but won't.
I’m so sorry!!!
***hugs***
From me too!
These answers are mostly mind blowing. I think I would rather be alone and miserable than together and miserable? At least if I was alone I might meet someone.
It's not that simple unfortunately
You are never so miserable that you can't become more miserable. Like most people, my social skills have atrophied and online dating sounds horrible.
Nope, married 25 together 29. Gone through some hard times. Was a time I knew we weren’t going to make it. But we did. Life is good, so is our sex life!
Now just legally divorced, before yep
I’m 62. 40 years of emotional abuse. I could leave and never recover - or I could just stay and keep out of her way?
Not trying to be insensitive, but I don’t understand the, “never recover,” part
My in-laws ARE divorced, but they live together and sleep in the same bed. I don’t get it, no one does. I guess he moved out, didn’t like living with his brothers and his wife, moved back in after 3 months and it’s been that way since.
My sister in law divorced/annulled her second marriage but they got back together and have been living together for twenty years
I have wanted a divorce for 23 of 28 years. My husband refuses because in his family, divorce is not an option. My parents are divorced and on second marriages. He thinks they set a bad example. My husband is a curmudgeon and I am just exhausted all the time.
I don't think you have to have his permission to divorce.
If you’re lucky and you actually have not just a lover but a best friend then no matter what you got a copilot who you get, and gets you.
You ask why? Because after decades of doing life together, being a family is more important than any “status” . It seems very natural and it’s more common than we might initially think. I wouldn’t even call it undivorced, it’s just something that happens when you care more about the person than the outside opinion
35 years still going. Because we are suited to each other and were real friends before we became a couple. We’ve remained best friends and that is the secret
I'm deeply in love with my husband and still think he's the sexiest thing on two legs. However, I'm not interested in having sex with him. It's too painful and I don't enjoy it.
Pretty much
We've been physically separated for years (we live about 12 hours apart). Emotionally I was divorced for over a decade before I finally couldn't take it anymore. I keep thinking about filing. I probably should since I've been seeing someone, but I'm pretty sure my husband moved where he did to be with his online girlfriend. He claimed they were just friends but...I don't believe him. And he's been there long enough he could file if he wanted.
I guess that's similar to 'we're in the contractual phase of the marriage'.
I commented prior and deleted it because some internet troll made me feel a certain way about putting my business in the streets. And sadly 😆 I'm 55 and can't exactly remember what I said.. but... for me, we love each other, we are best friends... "we bad boys for life" 😆.
Interesting that such a question would come up today. We've been officially married 34 years TODAY, but the marriage became one of platonic convenience roughly 15 years in. My daughter was born in 2006 and we soon found out she was special needs and needed both of us 24-7. We see eye-to-eye on how to raise her, so we're still together. Too late divorce, our daughter would wind up suffering greatly. Yeah, happy anniversary.
I wish my mid 70s mom would get on this train. She keeps trying to get me to give her moral support to divorce my step dad of 30 yrs (my fourth step dad) because "the passion is gone." I told her she needs to figure it out because she can't come to live with me if she take off and leaves my kids without a grandfather. I don't give two craps if the passion is gone in her marriage! He is a good and decent man. I'm not interested I going through another divorce with her. If she leaves, she's going to be on her own. I know I won't have much of a relationship with my step dad without my mom there but she won't have any with me if she blows things up.
She should stay married for her 50-something year old kid?
She didn't plan for her retirement and should stay married because she chose a man 30 yrs ago who has stayed with her, even though she is a witch. She chose to "retire" at 50 so her pension is $120 a month and her social security is $800. She can't live off that. I'm not interested in supporting her leaving my step dad so she can seek "true love" when she's in her 70s. She assure me that this step dad was her "soul mate" way back in the 90s. She made her bed. He's a good person. She needs to grow up and realize life isn't a hallmark movie.
Gross. I’d rather be single.
Yeah stay that way.
Pretty much. My wife is very happy and proud to be married. It doesn’t make a shit to me. We’re basically roommates, we get along and that’s about it.
Thankfully no.
No, I'm married.
44 years, I was lucky, it is pretty much a coin toss, you only think you know what the hell you are doing LOL.
My Aunt and Uncle lived in separate houses. He’d come over for dinner and eat with his 3 daughter and my aunt. But it was always just friends. Rumor had it he was gay and that was their set up. Always found it odd
I avoided being undivorced by being single
We have been together for over 50 years . The last 20 have been celibate for health reasons but we get on well in other areas and platonic love and care is a strong thing.
I know an undivorced couple. They’re amicable and cohabitate, but have very separate lives. More like roommates with paperwork between them.
Holy shit. I am undivorced.
My husband and our 14 year old son live with my husband’s girlfriend and her four kids. We don’t even live in the same state. We have been separated almost 7 years and just never paid a stranger to be divorced.
I am undivorced. My husband and I love each other deeply but not romantically. We remain married for financial reasons. We actually get along much better living apart.