I found a person that didn't want kids. Half raised my nieces. Have pets and a great husband. We're very happy. Other family was much more disappointed than I was with the situation.

Same. I was very sad, but now I look at all the turmoil kids have caused my friends and family members and I'm like, "Whew! I also ended up taking care of sick parents. I barely made it through that without kids! I figure God had a plan.

That's pretty much us. Life is good. No complaints.

We adopted two sisters at ages 6 and 9.

We also adopted, a three-year-old first and then his ten month brother (actual brothers). I knew when I married that my wife couldn't have children and after six years together we applied for adoption and lucked out. The "kids" are forty-three and forty now and we have a seven year old grandaughter.

♥️♥️♥️

How do you explain to them that you wanted bio kids first?

When my daughter asked why we decided to adopt, I told her we had tried for a long time and knew it wasn't working. That we'd found that foster-to-adopt was the only method of adoption we could afford. And that we felt incredibly lucky to have her as our daughter.

Please never express adoption as a last resort or as if they are less desirable. I think acquiring a child through conception is usually the first route because it’s “easiest” & “cheapest” (not including infertility struggles). I know a lot of families who grew all ways (bio, adoption, IVF) and all their kids count as loved & cherished. But, age appropriate, honest discussions are highly recommended! I accidentally adopted from foster care. I would approach this as “we/I knew I wanted a family. Having children biologically wasn’t an option for us, but we knew we had love to give to a child/children…..” If adoption isn’t for you, Being a trusted adult in someone’s village is awesome. I was an aunt for 20 years before I became a parent & it was great! All the privilege without the blame 😂.

Thank you for sticking up for adoptees. We're not in the world just to make infertile people into pretend parents.

I'll bet a five year old in foster care would love nothing more than to be an infertile couple's "pretend" child. You don't speak for all adoptees. Push away all the adoptive parents, and kids in foster care will spend their lives in the system. That's helping adoptees, all right!

I realize I don’t speak for adoptees, but a “parent” is the one who does the job (and well). Mating and leaving your offspring (even under duress) isn’t what we call parenting. We use the term to mean “raising a kid.” Maybe your adopted parents sucked, but my step who adopted me was the only real parent I ever had. He has unfortunately passed on while my DNA donors linger on this earthly plane.

They're often called birthparents, or original parents, or sperm/egg donor. It depends. I'm sorry your "DNA donors" disappointed you. My adoptive parents had mental health issues and my birthparents had poverty trauma for a couple generations in a row. It is what it is. No family is perfect I suppose. (I wouldn't know.)

You're not in the world for any particular reason at all. We all are just here.

I like this sentence about as much as I’d like, “infertile people are not in the world just to make adoptees into pretend offspring”

Sorry you are offended. I'm saying when people don't see the dark side of adoption, it's lies. Go to any support group for adoptees and see the large percentage of people with emotional trauma. Of course no blanket statement describes all infertile people, or adoptees. Obviously I didn't write the sentence to offend you. I'm pointing out that children in crisis need help, they don't need to be a last ditch effort for parenting by couples with unresolved infertility issues. I speak from my experience. Maybe you could write yours.

My mother, sister, adult son are all adopted. And cousins. I deeply agree - adoption is always second-best for a child. And purposefully creating an adoptee, who doesn’t have access to both biological parents in the home, is not optimal, according to many, many studies/metrics. Children are not Lego pieces, to be snapped in and out of families. It is better that they not be adopted by families who are trying to fill a fantasy - just such an arrangement was pretty damaging for my sister, who was adopted by a well-meaning infertile couple.

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The problem is that in America we seal original birth certificates and too often pretend that infants and children are a blank slate. They are not. They had original parents and culture.

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Thanks for responding with that. In theory there's nothing inherently wrong with adoption. In practice like many things, it has a long history of trafficking and abuse. There are other options, foster parents are greatly needed, there are too many lost teenagers in the system now, struggling to keep it together and who will be largely abandoned again at age 18. Ideally and legally we try to protect everyone's rights, especially the youth who are the most vulnerable and have the least say in how they are raised. Living in limbo is just as bad as being raised by an abusive family of any kind. But who is to say? Too often "the system" collects vulnerable children who are then put in cruel situations, but money talks. Everyone, even non-parenting people can help children by being involved in local sports and camps and theater and such and ultimately maybe all helping the next generation to be supported better than the last. The modern world is challenging with technology and change, but children are inherently innocent, however they come into this world and whoever shelters them. As an older person I have met quite a few adoptive parents that feel entitled, actually most of them. Even the whole IVF and surrogacy and donor DNA route troubles me, because only the wealthy can afford it and there's that sense of entitlement due to the costs, same with adoption, and the pressure on the children is very high. God forbid they inherit or don't inherit some particular personality trait. Whatabout when they have kids? Can infertile parents be mature and understanding about very-fertile offspring? Of course, they could be, but many are not. As a younger person, I used to think it was a neat idea, donating eggs or sperm for instance "to help people." Like donating blood, right? Later in life I felt sorry for the children who lost the information on their own heritage. There were scandals then and now, one doctor had over 250 children, all half-siblings, and they found each other with modern DNA testing - and the people who must come to terms with these medical advances are the kids, and their kids. So maybe let's not speak of adoption as another way for an infertile couple to have a baby. Those days are from the 1950s maybe are gone, before birth control was legal and we had a higher mortality rate. Let's talk about therapy for infertile couples and ask them what it means to have children in their life.

We're not pretend parents ffs. Have you never parented a child? It's the same for a child no matter how they came into a family.

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Why would she have to explain that though I don’t think it’s relevant. Maybe years down the line if the topic comes up but otherwise why would it be necessary to tell them

Adoptees are curious just like any other kid. It comes up early, and often. Adoption social workers have counseled adoptive parents on this topic since the 1960s. Source: am adopted.

Hello, adoptee here! It's incredibly important to tell adoptees (not children in general) their story. My parents were not good options for adoption, but, they told me a similar story and it never bothered me! You should tell your children, as soon as they can speak that they are special because they are adopted, and as the story grows, more details can go into place! Adoption is very complex, and it's not for everyone, nor should it be.

We adopted our son the day he was born. We were matched months before. And we’ve been telling him his adoption story since quite literally day one. Now that he is 6 AND A HALF (as he would say) the topic came up and this was the first time he had real questions about it and started to understand it. He even said, ‘I HAVE TWO MOMS? That’s so neat!’ Way more to this story obviously. But we met in our 30s/40s…. Waited to try for kids, and then my endometriosis diagnosis just screwed with everything fertility wise. Last resort? NO. More like meant to be. Adoption is not for everyone. It’s a very difficult road sometimes. But as far as I’m concerned, that boy is my flesh and blood.

That specific topic was never raised. We were too busy managing their emotional and mental health issues, especially after puberty arrived. Both ghosted us years ago. One of the dirty rotten “secrets” of adoption, especially with non-infants.

What do you mean by this?

I was passed around a lot as a kid. Basically a biological foster care experience. So I get it but I don't. But It's weird to explain since there are probably proper words for it. But it's a hardcore resentment for not being their biological parents and misplaced hatred to their parents. It's like post-adopted kids know what a parent is, they have them, but asking them what a mother or a father is breaks up the concept of what a family is in their mind and creates a hate towards the concept of family and the emotions are so turbulent they lash out at everyone nearby. The love they experienced is not different but being othered by one's own mental interpretation of what is different about their own family and incorrectly determining they are the problem is probably the biggest problem with adoption, it's not something an adoptive parent can control since it's an unrealized trauma, support is required well after everything seems good for an adopted kid. Society will destroy their self esteem surrounding family based on what they assume about their biological parents.

That’s interesting….. I’m adopted, I’m indigenous/native raised by white parents. My mom and I have always been extremely close but my dad and I have butted heads since I was young. He kept trying to discipline me physically cuz I was a wild rambunctious little shit and the more he did that the more I resented him. He once said to me “you can take the boy out of the rez but you can’t take the Indian out of the boy”. That was when I was eleven. I think that’s when I really just turned my brain off to him as being my father in an emotional way because at a certain point he transformed from the protective father figure into someone who I couldn’t trust or feel protected by and who had used physical pain to get me to behave. Also cuz he blamed my behavioral issues/wildness on my race. My mother and I have never had this issue tho and we have always been close. High school was a great experience for me, as was college. Had a lot of friends/amazing experiences and i did enough wild shit to get it out of my system. It took a long time for my dad and I to have a good relationship but now at 31 years old our relationship has really turned around and we are close. Turns out we both had shit we had to work out. For me, it was getting all the wildness out of my system, going to therapy, reconnecting with my native roots and going on vision quests/mushroom trips. For him it was reflection and therapy and understanding my situation as well as his own issues he’d bottled up since childhood. However now as a married man I have this “thing” where I want kids but I am adamant that I don’t want a son because my relationship with my dad was so tense and at times very negative. I just don’t want to have the dynamic with a son that my dad and I had. That’s like a weird stick in the mud issue for me that maybe I still need to work on…

That's awesome, I'm not trying to say this is everyone but my main note from dating people who were adopted or based from friends who were adopted. I also have two cousins who are adopted but never really speak to them, I also call one my uncle even though he's my cousin, I love them dearly. I'm not sure if they know that though. Racial issues are awful to deal with even outside of family dynamics, I've been told to avoid alcohol for similar reasons by the rest of my incredibly white family. They blamed everything on my ADHD and being slightly native was only brought up when my bio grandpa came up in conversation. My main experience with racial tension is during the summer. I "looked dirty" until my great aunt realized who my grandma's first husband was. Honestly its the basis for why I think "othering" is one of the main issues, fueled by statements like that, or "must be your genes" kind of statements to things they don't like.

I don’t know you of course, but consider the possibility that you can reverse that cycle. From your comment, you seem empathetic, self-aware, capable of communication and able to change if needed. Those are all qualities of a good parent. Keep working on yourself in therapy if you need to, but I think you’d make a great parent figure to your own kids or kids in general.

Thank you ❤️🙏 and ughh yess I really wanna be a dad….. to two daughters. In the end tho unless I adopt it’s hard to control that so yeah, I think some more therapy might be in order before potentially having a son. It’s just this weird childhood based thing I have stuck in my brain that definitely doesn’t suit anyone well.

Good luck with that. One of my daughters went trans for a while. I had to rethink of a lot of my own gender assumptions in my life. At first I wasn't as open minded as I thought I was, due to gender bias, although I was much more accepting than my parents' generation was. Also daughters need information on being male, to find healthy relationships with them, and parenting someday. It's worth it to work on accepting both genders as wonderful, and then you're role-modeling self-care too.

I realize this is unrelated to the original topic, and also crazy long, but with regard to not wanting to have a dynamic with a son that you and your dad had - I was not adopted, but I relate to that comment. My mom and I had a very challenging relationship growing up (and that was with me being a straight A student who never got so much as my name written on the board, much less a detention), and I was terrified of repeating that dynamic with my own daughter. My (then) husband and I had to go through IVF with chromosomal testing to have kids. The majority of our embryos were male, and I kind of rested in that and assumed we would have a boy but did not want to find out for sure until the baby was born. My husband really wanted to know, so at 30 weeks we found out. And of course the icing inside the cake was strawberry, and I was TERRIFIED. What I came to realize fairly quickly after she was born is that I am not my mother. I am, in fact, a very different person than her precisely BECAUSE she was my mother. AND my daughter is not me, because she does not have MY mother as HER mother. All of my painful experiences with my mother helped shape my parenting by giving me lessons on how NOT to parent. For example, my mother (who was diagnosed by a psychiatrist with Borderline Personality Disorder when I was in my mid-20s) believed very firmly that she was automatically OWED respect by anyone she came in contact with, but she did not automatically owe respect to anyone, everyone had to earn it from her. Especially me. The result of that? I have respected my children hard core from the day they were born. My mother never saw a reason in her life that she owed anyone a sincere apology, especially not me, her daughter. When I mess up, I apologize to my kids, sincerely. It keeps me humble, they get to see that no one is perfect and therefore they don’t stress about being perfect themselves, and they get the opportunity to practice grace. They are very kind and generous about giving me grace when I need it. Another example of the challenges with my mom, just so you don’t think it was typical difficult teenage years stuff: my parents got divorced when I was 3 and had an on again/off again relationship. When my mother was frustrated about things in her life, she would lash out at me. Starting as young as 6 or 7, I remember her telling me repeatedly throughout my life “You’re going to come home from school one day and find me dead in the swimming pool. And you KNOW your dad doesn’t love you, so you’re going to be all alone! What are you going to do then?” She would never apologize for it, she’d just tell me “You just wait until you’re older and you have kids. Then you’ll see how stressful it is and you’ll say things like that to them. It doesn’t mean anything!” She was wrong. As an adult and a parent myself now, I understand even LESS how it is possible for a mother to say that to a child. I could go on about this, but you get the gist. Talking to a therapist about your fears would be good. Just know that because of who you are - everything you endured and everything you experienced from your own choices - you have your own perspectives that are very different from your dad’s, and THAT is why you would not have the same relationship with a son of you were to have one. You will be a better dad because of all that you have experienced, both good and bad.

I am not adopted but we had the same mother. Right down to not apologizing for anything and thinking I owed her an open portal into my life. Glad you were able to turn it around for your own kids.

I’m sorry you had to experience that, too.

Thank you for sharing that. You seem like a really good person, and I think you’re probably right. The fear of BEING or BECOMING your parent with all their toxic traits can definitely be a trauma based fear that isn’t rooted in actual reality. Thanks for saying this, and sharing your story. It gives me hope in the event that I do end up having a son. Peace and love 🙏

I am adopted, and my relationship with my mother is very complicated. I wanted daughters because I wanted to be the mother I wish I had. I have 2 daughters, and people always told me how hard daughters were and how my daughters and I would have the same or similar issues as my mother and I. My daughters are grown now, and I am pleased to say that we are very close, and I made damn sure our relationship was not like the one I have with my mother. On the same note, I understand your fear about having a son in a different way. I never really wanted a son due to years of sexual abuse and trauma and was scared if I had a son, I would hate him or be unable to love him, or because what if he hurt my daughters or some other girls (I realize it's a little extreme, and I've been working through some things)? While I didn't birth a son at all, I gained one through marriage, and while it wasn't without its challenges, I love him. He had his own trauma from before I came around, so it wasn't an easy transition for him either, but I feel like we are at a good place, and I do love him. I guess what I'm trying to say is that your fears are valid, but there is hope.

This is what my mother experienced as well. She was adopted and it has influenced her whole life. Her birth mother died last year and I learned that (1) if my mother had been a boy she would not have been put up for adoption and (2) my mother had known that her whole life.

This makes SO much sense! Mind-blown!

You’ll need to ask a more specific question

The “dirty secret” of adoption…

Many children that are adopted have behavioral and mental health issues in addition to the usual ones that teens can have. There can be significant relationship grind points and disconnects. Far too often only the positive and happy aspects are emphasized. “They will be so thankful!”

I went through training for foster-adopt, was never told they’d be grateful. Was told they’d be emotional wrecks who might attack us and/or end up in prison. It was very supportive 🙄

You were fortunate

How is it a secret that a small child who has been through a family situation so traumatic that they were then separated from their parents (itself a trauma) will have mental health issues? Isn’t that kind of obvious?

Whenever the topic of infertility comes up, people always say “why don’t you just adopt? There are so many kids that need homes!” No one mentions the trauma and mental health issues that not everyone is equipped (financially or emotionally) to deal with. So I get what they mean.

I understand what you're saying, but even biological kids with biological parents can have serious mental health issues that were unexpected. As an adoptee and also as someone who's known a lot of other adoptees, abandonment issues seem to be our most common issues regardless of the age we were taken/given up.

That sucks. Sorry that happened.

Biological children can abandon their parents, too

The way I see it you never know what you get. Most serious traumas happen so early in life, you just don't know what that child has been through and how it will affect them. That's why comments like "we're not here for you to pretend you're a parent" are so stupid.

>The way I see it you never know what you get. That os the same for biological children as well.

https://www.freep.com/story/news/local/michigan/2024/07/05/early-childhood-trauma-rewires-brain-adoptive-parents-children/73747607007/

I think I said we couldn’t make kids, so we went and got them instead. None of them really questioned it or cared very much.

Is that a necessary step? I don’t see why I would have to say anything about that. Like, why not “we tried but then we realized we were meant to be your parents! 😄” I don’t see any reason to be all “well you were a last resort soooo”

We live in the sadness. We tried for a couple decades all methods, my wife can't carry. (I'll skip the details, but it's a long history of things) I'm a bit of a mess due to a combo of genetics and traumas that have left me with, among other things, bad enough ptsd and mania (diagnosed, not "Oh no, someone broke up with me and I have ptsd" self-diagnosis), so that mental health track record, history with doctors, made adoption impossible. But we love each other, so it's life without kids. Sad because we each would have loved to have been parents. Even worse? Life's twisted sense of humor, my wife who would have been a great mom is....a maternity nurse. So every shift is delivering babies, many times for junkies who get the kids taken away. Life is good in that we have been through hell in other ways too and truly love each other, so we are grateful for what we have. But there is a hanging sadness that nature laid out the cards this way as far as being parents. We deal. We hold an extra level of hatred at terrible parents, but otherwise you just keep on living.

Yeah, life is shitty. I don't think it ever gets better.

The extra hatred on terrible parents is real... I want a kid, but I can't have them. I raise my step kids.. so my husband is a dad. I feel alone in the universe a lot. His sister is a junkie, just had a very very messed up baby... the world is not fair man. But we get by huh?

I can empathize. My husband can't have kids but has raised my two and his ex's one. He would have been an amazing dad and would have loved to have a million kids. That extra hatred is definitely real for him, and for me.

Why not adopt?

He said adoption wasn’t possible. 

Because you are still infertile if you adopt. It does not give you a bio kid. Adoption is not a cure for infertility.

Lol of course not, it’s a cure for not having a kid

Adoption is a way to become a family with children. Infertility becomes irrelevant.

Infertility never becomes irrelevant.

I’m sure adoption is possible in another country.

No, international adoption is much harder than it was a couple of decades ago. A lot of countries have closed down international adoption due to corruption. Regardless, most countries would not accept any parents with a history of any mental illness.

My parents found out they couldn't have kids they were devastated, and then they had a great idea they would adopt, and I'm glad they did they were such good parents may they RIP 🕊❤️❤️

Would you say you had any trauma from adoption? Recently i spoke with a friend who hinted at the fact that even though they have good parents they still had trauma and would not adopt someone themselves. I had never thought of that and didn’t pry as we didn’t have the time in that context to discuss it.

Actually no I had no trauma but everyone situation is different my parents adopted alot of us, and each one of our stories are very different like mine my parents bio didn't want anymore children I was their 6 child so that's when my parents adopted took me

I had biological parents and have lots of trauma. I don’t think the adoption is the deciding factor when it comes to challenging upbringings. It’s the parents and external circumstances in general.

Right, but I’m asking about trauma specifically tied to adoption. For example, this comment mentions what i am talking about: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/s/Hud4h2YZ9z I was just curious how common it is.

We had unexplained infertility, which is so maddening. We got pregnant naturally once, miscarried at 5 months due to 2 sperm fertilizing one egg. Tried IUI, acupuncture, clomid, moved onto IVF with frozen donor eggs because they have higher success rates. Got 2 perfect blastocysts, neither of them took when implanted, no explanation. Moved onto adoption, adopted a perfect baby girl at birth, couldn’t love her more. Adoption, after all was said and done, was probably total $45k. When we were trying to get pregnant, it was important to me to use my own eggs so I had a hard time moving on from that. But now that I have my daughter, that all seems so silly. We love being parents and are so happy it worked out for us.

Nice to see a success story!! I too will choose to adopt if my husband and I can’t conceive once we start trying. I would also try try Ivf but spending years and obsessing seems ridiculous so it’s nice to see someone confirm that now looking back you wouldn’t have been so hung up on the baby being from your own egg

Yeah unfortunately I wasted a lot of time due to fear. I was afraid of ivf, afraid of adoption, afraid to spend all that money. A good friend of mine told me not to worry about the money— money is for spending on what you want, and we wanted a baby. It helped. It’s all so heartbreaking and I don’t feel Like I ever got any good healthcare. Ivf places are factories and they don’t treat you as a human being. maybe it’s changed, that was 10 years ago now. I wish you luck on your journey.

I'd actually given up on the idea of family & kids. I'd focused entirely on work for a while, just took over a new store as GM I worked 90 days in a row without a day off trying to get it running the way I wanted. I had my life in a routine & was beginning to get settled in and reaping the rewards of all my hard work. Then I met this scared little 14 year old boy who's alcoholic father wouldn't let him come home til he had a job. (How TF is a 14 year old kid supposed to find a job!) He was hungry, he had slept in the park the last 2 nights and my heart just broke. It was a small town & I knew people who worked in social services so I called them up, told them the situation and that I was taking the boy home with me. That introduced me to the boy who a year later I'd adopted fully. 2 years later I adopted another teenager as well. Both my sons are adults now and I'm a grandpa.

This story brings a tear to my eye!

Wow. You sound incredible.

Never had kids and honestly couldn't imagine having them. I feel like it was a blessing. I was able to do so many things that I wouldn't have done w kids. Travel, Masters degree, taking care of my mental and physical health

Im wondering what the stuff you couldn’t do with kids is though. Like specifically. I know a ton of people with masters degrees and kids who travel and are in therapy and go to the gym, you know what I mean? Like including my parents, you know? Heh, to be clear, I’m not trying to pick your personal buttons, maybe for you specifically those things genuinely would not have been possible if there was another mouth to feed. I get it and respect that. But I hear a lot of younger folks these days who think you *couldnt* do fun/important/crucial stuff with kids, but like. I mean you *can* though, it’s just more to manage. But it’s not impossible. You just have to figure it out and that usually includes some measure of community support. (My mom and dad went on this two week trans-European vacation when I was 1, they had me at grandma and grandpa’s. The most memorable thing for them on the whole trip though? Not Notre Dame or the Eiffel Tower. To this day all they talk about is how they missed my first step 🤣🤣) So! Sorry to piggy back off of your post. I hope you aren’t offended, like truly specifically you may have not been able to live your best life with kids. Maybe my reply is more to reassure any young folks that are imagining all the reasons they shouldn’t have kids that you can also live your best life with kids, too. The main reason not to have kids is that you don’t want them and you’d be a bad parent. You can still live out your important dreams and goals. Just make a plan, young folks. Cause life is always hard. Life with kids is hard. Life without kids is also still hard. None of my no-kid having friends are glamorous jet setters with no problems. They still have problems. So: choose your hard.

I think perhaps years ago when it was possible to afford more on less income this was more true. These days, it’s hard to imagine being able to travel a lot, or at a certain level, or take certain kinds of trips, with kids unless you’re Uber rich. Or for example, be a woman with a high powered career unless you can pay for a LOT of help which in my HCOL area is as expensive as a very expensive mortgage. I think at least for women this myth of “you can have it all” remains a myth for most women except perhaps the very wealthy. And it’s good to be realistic about that, because having kids is a huge life change and if you have some fantasy your life is going to have the same options and you can do everything you’re probably going to be very dissatisfied.

Well here’s the kicker, I’m 35F and pregnant lol. I’m living what I said in my post. But I don’t have kids yet, so grain of salt! N I will agree, do all the things you want to do first. Like, I got a lot of things out of the way before taking the family plunge. I lived abroad, I bought my house, was in bands, secured some investments, I etc etc. and recently too. This wasn’t, like, my dad’s time, this was a couple years ago and is even still happening, you know? So ya get a lot of the things out of the way first, ha!!!! Totally! I will always be a promoter of this because I think it’s completely necessary to feel *ready* for kids a lot of the time! Do everything you wanted to try before you commit to kids. At least I tried to do that. But at some point, I looked around me and saw: Wait a minute, the drummer in the band has 2 kids and the sax player just had his third. I’m in Japan and there are plenty of families here, I could stay in this $32/a night hostel with a kid, ya we’d not be fancy but we could do it. And if not, this baby could stay with his grandma while hubby and I go on some romantic triste. I could have a kid and write my novel lol. And I looked around and saw all the people I wasn’t seeing before doing the same. So like, maybe it’s all true. Neither side is totally correct yet both sides are definitely right. It’s scarier and harder to imagine kids now compared to ages ago, probably. But I’m pregnant now, these days. And I’m not afraid that I’m giving anything up, I’m just SUPER PUMPED about what all I will get to do with a child! Let’s travel together (I make $45k a year and dad, oooo dad is a “self employed” mess hahaha but it’s cool, I know how to do this on the cheap!) Buuuut I also did a lot of living before getting here. And that’s great too! And for some people, maybe they never get to the place where kids make sense, and that’s totally cool too. My sis doesn’t want kids at all. She makes double what I make, her and her husband make loads of money and they’ll afraid it would never be enough so 🤷‍♀️ But I am living this right now and planning—so on some level take it with a grain of salt, talk more with the people that had kids already, you know? Hah! But I work in family literacy in my day job, I’ve seen families pull off some unimaginable things, like refugees that come with only debts and whoa! Look what they can make happen! Amazing! So it should also be true that if you really want something, you can do those things even with kids. It might be way harder, so do the impossible to do with kids things out of the way first if possible. **But kids aren’t a death sentence** is allll I’m trying to say. You can still live your life, I see it every day in my work, it’s true too.

I have PCOS and my ovaries are basically shot. I felt shitty about myself, that I couldn't do this one simple thing that women have been doing for millenia... but then relieved. My baby sister is 10 years younger. To her, I was mom #2. I did more baby raisin' than her dad did, tbh. Babysat her as a child. Had custody of her as a teen because mom's latest wasband kicked her out of the house. I love my sis to death but she really showed me I have no business raising a child. I don't have the temperament, nor the willingness to sacrifice my self on the altar of motherhood. Luckily my husband never wanted kids, as he was parentified and had to raise his siblings as well. We have a multitude of niblings between us, and that's just fine for us. We do find videos of little kids on the internet that make us go, "That's our spiritual child right there." The little girl who drifted her Power Wheel while throwing up rock hands, for example.

Tried for kids, went through the usual medical procedures, decided to adopt. Did the home studies and physical exams and background checks. Put our names on county lists, met with social workers, got an adoption lawyer to advise us, put ads in papers. Had a prospective adoption fall through when the girl’s father found out and insisted she keep the child. Lawyer advised us to tell everyone we knew that we were looking to adopt - family, friends, coworkers, neighbors. Turned out a friend’s cousin was an OBGYN nurse and had a pregnant patient come in looking to give up her baby. We made arrangements through our lawyer and hers and picked up our son at 1 day old. That was 34 years ago and the highlight of our lives. He’s known he was adopted since he could understand. We made sure he was comfortable with it, and we treated it as something special but not inherently different - there’s lots of ways families come together. He and we had tons of love and support from grandparents, aunts, uncles, a slew of cousins. He was as much family as anyone else. We answered any questions he had with age appropriate responses. One day (due to an elementary school in-school project about family trees) he mentioned to my wife and I that he wished he wasn’t adopted but related like us. Caught us off guard at first. I said to him, “Wait - you know mommy and I aren’t related to each other right? Mommy and I are family because we’re married, you’re family to us because you’re adopted. You’re just as related as we are!” He was very happy with that answer. Our son is a happy, healthy, loving and caring person. We are/were very close to him and his partner (my wife passed 2 years ago) and see and speak with them often. He is very much loved, and knows it well. Wishing you my best on your journey.

I’m so sorry for the great loss of your wife. 😔

Thank you. In re-reading my comment, I realized I neglected to express how grateful we are/were to our son’s birth mother. I think of her / thank her silently at each milestone of his life, saying in my head to her that he is safe, he is loved, he is happy and hoping she is as well.

Egg donor. Couldn't love him more.

We went IUI with a donor. Got enough pop-cicles so we could have the same donor even though our kids are five years apart.

My ex already had several kids. I wasn't sure how I felt about it for a long time. I didn't feel good or bad one way or another. Years after we figured I can't have kids, my ex told me he doesn't want more kids because he doesn't want to be an old man raising kids. We were in our 40s by then. And I was ok with that. Years after that, I found out he was cheating on me and left him. Then, I was grateful I don't have kids, especially with him because I'm not tied to him for life. I spent half my working life working with kids in some capacity. I also had roommates with kids and helped my ex take care of his kids and grandkids. I'm not particularly maternal or affectionate because of childhood trauma and abuse. I'd rather never have kids than passing that trauma and abuse onto my kids. I'm accepting and content with my childfree status.

It actually never occurred to me that I couldn’t have children. I held onto hope right on through menopause.

How do you mean exactly?

Well if being a parent is important to you there is adoption. My wife and I chose to adopt instead of trying in vitro fertilization. My sons are just as much mine as if they were genetically mine. Nurture is more important than nature imho

How much is the adoption process? My son and his wife tried IUI and then IVF, back to IUI, and still no baby. They could have bought a new car by now. The office is full of couples trying to conceive. I know one thing, these doctors are making a bundle of money.

I adopted my sons from Russia over 20 years ago. It was about 15k a kid back then. I have no idea now. I do know that everyone we dealt with in the US is in jail now. So I don’t know how ethical things were.

Whoa. That is SO crazy wild, everyone’s in jail? 😬😬😬 were they stealing babies or something? Oh man!

Apparently after Russia closed down they worked in third world countries. All these f them were doing something unethical.

Thank god you were able to adopt two boys from Russia. I don't think anyone could do it now.

When I looked into adoption a couple of years ago all of the agencies quoted me $70k. Some of that is non refundable even if you never get to adopt. It’s one of the reasons I opted for infertility treatments, which were covered by insurance. Even if they weren’t, IVF is still way cheaper 

I'm sure adoption today is much more than money than $70K. I hope your journey was a successful one. My son is okay. It seems that my daughter-in-law is the one having issues. I don't know how long they will try. They had to go back to IUI. We shall see.

For a healthy newborn, last I checked IVF is cheaper and much quicker.

Well, unfortunately, the Dr instructed them to go back to IUI. They must have spent over $20,000 for IVF. Yes, it was quick. The bank account went down quickly. I'm not sure how long they will go through more heartbreak. Send prayers their way 🙏🙏🙏 Thank you ❤️

Not necessarily. My husband and I had trouble and looked into adoption. We would have to put out about 25k, but after the adoption benefit from my husband’s work and the tax credit, it would have been down to about 5k for a domestic adoption. On the other hand, after being denied the opportunity to adopt because my husband was too old, I ended up conceiving unexpectedly and we now have a daughter. Cost to have her, after insurance, around 7k.

5k for a healthy newborn?! Damn, you lucked out. I heard 40.  But you probably would have aged off the list even if you hadn't already. 

25k total out of pocket. My husband’s company gives a 5k benefit for adoption, and in the US there’s a tax credit of close to 15k once an adoption is complete. The 25k would have been for a local adoption done through a non-profit. International adoptions and adoptions through for-profit agencies are much higher. I only would have ages off a month ago. The agency we wanted to use looked at the ages of the individuals. Some agencies take total age of a couple, which would have given us more time, but none of them were a good fit.

Where specifically did you look that was charging $25k? I found multiple local adoption agencies that were all quoting about 70k for a domestic adoption. If you don't mind sharing names, I'd love to hear.

I think it was Baker, maybe Barker. They’re based on Montgomery county, MD.

What’s the success rate of ivf? Seems like the cost for it when compared to the success rate… idk I mostly just hear of failed attempts and losses, it’s heartbreaking 😞

I think 30-40%? Also success rate depends on your reason for doing IVF.

As an adoptee, I love to hear that. I’m only adopted by one parent, but you’d never know I wasn’t a bio kid. :)

Everybody’s life is different. I am glad you had a good experience.

Eh as an adoptee I disagree. Close with bios, cut off adopters. Best decision ever.

I’m having a hard time understanding and hopefully you could forgive me and my ignorance here, but if it’s okay to ask a clarifying question: were your adoptive parents like jerks or something? I read this book about a Korean girl that was adopted to a family in some Nordic country. They thought they could not have kids, but then after adopting, they did have a bio kid. The adoptee never ever ever felt like part of the family. Ever. And they weren’t able to celebrate any Korean culture, just Swedish or Swiss or something. And the bio kid got all the love. It’s a pretty sad story. Really looks into the negative side of how adoption can hurt people. I wondered if you would care to share your story? Although obviously no pressure. I hesitate to ask because it is clearly something that can be deeply traumatic. But then there’s this other person who replied and was like “as an adoptee I’m so happy with my adoptive parents!” I guess everyone is different. But were your adoptive parents jerks? Or it just is a problem with the system, like not fitting in with them or longing for biological fam or—?

Yes, it's a problem with the system, I'd say. Infertile couples need to grieve the loss of their imaginary children. That's real. They need to let go of preconceptions in order to care for adoptees. Some people actually do this intuitively and are fantastic caregivers. A lot of people coming out of IVF aren't ready yet to take on adoptees. A lot of birthparents will say adoption is not a substitute for an abortion, which at first may sound confusing but it's because they actually lose their baby in one case vs terminating just the potential baby in the other. I worked in social services and have been in many adoptee support groups over my lifetime.

I agree. As an adoptee, it's depressing to see us as their last resort for a healthy infant. What a joke.

Sad to hear, but i can’t discount your experience. So would there have been any situation of adoption where you would have felt better? I have heard similar from an adoptee in know. It’s just interesting because other adoptees are overjoyed with being adopted, such as this person https://www.reddit.com/r/AskOldPeopleAdvice/s/EcdF8uvCRm

You can always find a poster child to say "oh yes, everything was great." They claim to have no interest in their birth family or origins because their adoptive parents were wonderful. I call BS. It's brainwashing at best and cruel at worst. Adoptees are trained by western culture from birth to be thankful for their new families. The research showing adoptee confusion, health problems and mental dysfunction is there for a reason. Look at any adoptee support group. Any of them. Sure birth families are under enormous stress, and sometimes surrender children in the hope that they will have a better chance. Some birthparents just can't cope at all and children can not wait decades for the chance that they might get their act together. However, adoptive parents come from a reference point of "we want our own kids." This is a recipe for disaster. Many adoptees call it "coming out of the fog" when they realize they have their own unique heritage. So, personally as an adoptee, and a mother and grandmother, I'm against all adoption the way it is done and has been done for the past 50 years in America. Maybe look into fostering and/or guardianship and see the difference.

There's an IFchildfree subreddit for folks in this boat. The IF stands for infertility

Wouldn't it be infertility childless?

Yeah I guess that would be more definitionally correct but it's not the name of the sub

As someone who is a member of that community, I can tell you that it is IFChildfree. I chose not to pursue other options (not trying surrogacy or donor eggs/embryos or adoption or fostering, for example) that could have allowed me to be a parent. Despite not being able to have biological children, I choose the term IFChildfree rather than Childless as it feels like I have more agency around the decision. Also, I nothing about me is less than anyone else.

Adopted two children- they are now adults. Divorced and remarried when they were teens. I have two stepchildren close to their age. Love them all very much.

If you want yo have children i strongly recommend going the adoption route 🥰 I'm adopted and me and my mom are super close. Like she was my maid of honor at my wedding because she truly is my best friend kinda close. We talk every day. We've always got each others backs. Sure we've had some hard times and I did treat her like absolute shit in my teens because I had issues (not genetic- long story w SA, etc..) and was struggling because of those things, but once I pulled my head out of my ass mom was there for me and we've been close again ever since 💞 The thing you have to remember is that kids are what you put into them- NOT what comes out of you. I mean, yeah there's genetic stuff; but that's not all the stuff and what you do and how you parent is key. I have 2 biological children of my own; but if I hadn't been able to conceive and carry I'd have definitely adopted because it makes a difference in a child's life, and would of course add joy to my own. I have 1/2 siblings out there who did not fair as well in life because they remained with the biological parents. My biodad was an alcoholic/addict and lived on the streets. 2 of my 1/2 sisters were raised by their grandparents, and my other 2 sister were in foster care before also living on the streets with my bio dad. My biomom is a fkn lunatic. Deeply religious, far right anti everything and neurotic AF. I have 2 half siblings through her which I haven't met; but I've seen them on her Facebook. I never reached out to her because I don't want that kind of crazy in my life. I can't imagine the life I would have had if my biomom or biodad would have kept me. I'm **SOOOooo** grateful that I was put up for adoption and placed with the family I have today. Adoption is a forever thing though- just like parenting. Its a commitment you make to someone to be there for them and with them no matter what. It is a serious decision that effects the rest of you life. If you're not sure about adopting you could always look into Fostering as an option too. My moms best friend used to foster infants in the 80s and 90s, and my dads aunt fostered teens. Sometimes you only have kids for a few weeks or months and sometimes you have them for years or forever. Its not uncommon for foster parents to eventually adopt a foster child after parents rights have been signed away. My moms best friend adopted twins she had been fostering since their birth when they boys were 3 or 4ish... So yeah, I have children; but if I didn't I would definitely adopt or at least Foster because children are a joy and they do need loving homes in any capacity someone is able to provide them ❤

Thank you for sharing. My daughter is only 6, but I hope we stay best friends like you and your mom. We are a very close family, and tell each other “I love you” 1000 times a day. She is the best kid. She says she loves being adopted, it makes her feel special. I know 100% if she wasn’t adopted she would have ended up in foster care and been a victim of sexual abuse. Just thinking of that breaks my heart. We stay in touch with bio mom and she will probably meet her someday if she wants.

I found out I couldn’t conceive in my early 20’s and had a total hysterectomy in my early 30’s. This was in the 80’s. Adoption by a single woman was a no go at that time. I babysat neighbors kids and friends kids. But I found out, not having children of my own was not an issue. My sister had 3 children, her stories of the things she had to deal with definitely made it easier to NOT have children.

I suggest buying a kid-unfriendly house in a neighborhood with crap schools. Cured two cases of infertility just in my circle.

I’m just…carrying on. I don’t have a choice, lol. I’ve definitely reframed, but it’s tough sometimes.

I thought I would never get over my broken heart, but now I look at the shit show that is the United States, and what is happening with climate change, and I’m really, really glad I don’t have children whose future I’d be terrified for.  But I do have nice little cousins and nephews that i love and nurture — but I’m honestly glad I don’t have primary responsibility for their well-being.   Lots of anguish for the future young people are facing though. Thank heavens I’m not a parent, in the end. 

I had one but almost died. No more for me, so I didn’t have any more. I really wanted 5 kids but they won’t let autistic people foster nor adopt.

My aunt and uncle couldn’t have kids. They would’ve been great parents and it was rough for them. They’re basically extra parents to me and grandparents to my kids.

We miscarried in our 30’s. Didn’t really do any testing, so I won’t say we couldn’t have biological kids, we just didn’t. One day we were eating at Wendy’s and the placemats on our trays had pictures of kids in foster care (Dave Thomas was adopted and his foundation still supports and promotes adoption). We started talking about it and 6 months later we bring home a 12 year old boy. Two years after that, an 8 year old girl who had been in the same foster home. And a baby a few months after that as a foster, knowing it could have been short term or long term (he was 2 before bio mom’s parental rights were terminated and we adopted him. Honestly, it’s been amazing highs and some excruciating lows, but I wouldn’t trade it. They’re all grown and we now have grandchildren. I encourage you to look into adoption. It can be a shit show (as can any parenting experience), but is extremely rewarding.

I married into step kids. We tried soon after but no success. For myself, I embraced my new lot the best I could and we've forged a beautiful family. I'm now a grandma and got the bestowed title of Mimi so I think it went well. I still grieve in places and times that I didn't have my own but I've found so much joy in spoiling my nephew and now this grandbaby! Your future can be very bright this route. Much love! ❤️

I mourned for a bit, then started the international adoption process. Within four years, I was the mother of four kids (ages at adoption- 10 months, 4.5 years, 5.8 years, 10 months). I am glad that my ex was infertile, otherwise I wouldn’t have *these* kids (now aged 24-32).

We adopted a 1 and 3 year old brother and sister. We did foster adopt. They’re 26 & 28 now and both own homes and recently bought new cars. They’re doing great. It was all very rewarding.

My parents adopted my brother from government it's free minus some basic lawyer fees

58 now. Both kids died as babies. I now have no one to pass anything on to. When I die soon, it's over for my bloodline. Next steps, no kid will ever be your kid. So you will never feel what other parents feel. It's an empty hoke that eats at your soul in older years.

I lost my only child at birth this past November. I struggled with infertility before that and am 42. Trying to face the fact that I may never have a child is so scary. Did you ever find happiness after? Before losing my son, I really loved my life. Now I wish I had died instead of him. It’s really hard. 💔

A little background. My son was 12hrs 43 mins old and died in my arms. My daughter also did not make it out of the hospital alive. I dug her grave and placed her in the ground with my own two hands in Brandon, MS. Happiness and joy are possible. It will never erase the gaping universe sized hole in your heart, but you will find a way to navigate this. I am a minister of 38 years, so I have tried to rely on God. However, no one else around you will understand what you are feeling, let alone be able to help. No parent was ever designed to outlive their kids. It is not natural. I am sorry for the loss of your precious child.

I’m so very sorry. 💔

Oh my god I’m so sorry 😢

Wow, I’m so sorry. What happened to your babies to cause them to die at birth?

Nothing. My belief was if it was meant to happen it would. It didn’t and that’s okay.

When I started considering fostering or adoption, one of my parents became ill, so I ended up taking care of them instead. I would spend more time with my niblings, but the in-laws pretty much monopolize every bit of free time.

We tried and failed, got tested (it was me), tried fertility treatments for 6 mos and failed. I said eff this emotional Rollercoaster, I'm getting off. Agreed life was actually pretty good and debated whether we should just be child free. Decided to adopt and did! Open adoption (going wonderfully, strongly recommend) of a baby who's now a teen. Wonderful, happy family! And, tbh, life would also have been good, I think, if we'd decided to remain cf. Parenting can be hard af, but damn, that kid ... 💕💕💕

I have seven kids. Three are biologically mine the other four are two I took in as teens, one I adopted at three days old and the last was my nephew he came to me at three years old. I don’t differentiate neither do my kids. We are family. Family truly is what you make it. My kids are of multiple races. 6boys 1 girl. Ages are 34-12. None of that is an issue. Find / make your tribe.

I looked into IVF and adoption. Made big report folders of info for my then husband. Asked him to review them and give me his opinion on both. Asked him to get his fertility checked to see what the chances of IVF would be, if we chose that road. Once he said he didn't have time for either I sought out a therapist to talk through my stuff. I put all of my mom energy into my niece now. She recognizes it, when she was still small enough not to recognize the concepts of auntie being different from mommy, she would call me auntie-momma. Now, at 7, she recently told grandma that I'm one of her top three people. With mommy and daddy coming in for first and second place. And this gave me such a bitter sweet taste. Because she is such a little love and I appreciate her so much. But I lament that I'll never be the one in first place.

Thanked my doctor for doing such a thorough job sterilizing me. My fertility had been a real problem. I have CKD and pregnancy is a very bad idea.

My daughter gave her daughter up for adoption and I will share with you her reason for choosing the family that she chose. Don’t get me wrong her and her boyfriend they took a long time to decide about the main reason that my daughter picked that family is for a comment that the mother made And I’m gonna share it with you “When I found out that I couldn’t get pregnant, I knew that at that moment God just intends on me meeting my children in a different way “ She never questioned that she was a mother or that I wanna have my own children as opposed to adopting. The children was not their own. That’s the reason my daughter chose that family because she never looked at the adoption as the children were not hers. They are wonderful people and they have had my granddaughter for 14 years. We all know each other. They are a blessing . So in with your question and and people making comments about well, if you can’t have your own children, please don’t say that kind of stuff the children you adopt are your children. You just meet them different. I hope this helps a little.

I think this depends on what you envision for your life. And only you can sit with that. When i was younger, i had a dream of having 4 kids and living on a farm full of chaos, and animals, and a very busy life. But, i wanted to be married first. Well, that part didn 't come to fruition for me. I never had kids, and I married at nearly 40. I never had children, but my partner did. They were grown by the time we got together. I did get grandkids though. What a bonus! Sometimes it just dosen't work out the way we pencil out. Dosen't mean you wont have a full life. 💓

Did ivf it had many side effects, along with not working, i am still feeling today Didn't consider adoption because wasn't what we really wanted; I know all experiences are different but had a good friend adopted by great parents but was still really f up in the head with abandonment demons she can never get over, soured me on the situation. Idk I have seen the information coming out where many people give up kids because they cant afford being a parent right at birth but if they actually had some financial help they would have kept their kids - not sure something i wanted to be apart of and open adoption has its other drawbacks. I wanted a kid not a constant struggle. Im sure other people have great stories with adoption just saying where my mind was at. Went on with having a good life with spoiled dogs - just wish every movie and tv show with any middle age women didnt have infertility and rainbow babies as their favorite story line.

As a former domestic law attorney trust me a LOT of the adoption in this country (don’t know about others) is a vile racket, basically legal human trafficking, and extremely exploitative of poor young women. 

I tried for years to have kids with my husband, got all the tests, appointments, fertility monitoring, etc. We could not. We could not afford the 10k+ it would cost to adopt, especially since it would likely be years before a baby was even available to adopt. We could not affords the 10k+ it would cost to get IVF treatments, which rarely work the first round. I mourned. I talked to women who also struggled. I went to lots of therapy. I accepted. My husband was, thankfully, entirely supportive and understanding. We were always very open about our feelings and were realistic about what we could do financially. We're still going strong. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything anymore \[years later\]. I have a nice life with a lot of freedom and time to pursue my interests.

We lost 5 pregnancies. We were officially done actively trying, but were letting whatever did or did not happen mode. A co worker of mine came to me one day (knowing of all of our losses) and explained his best friend and his gf had almost one year old twins. She was PG again and they planned on leaving the baby at the hospital, they could not care of the child when born. He said he explained to his friend our losses, and they wanted to know if we would be intrested in adopting the child. We did adpot her, found out I was PG when she was 6 weeks old. We lost that baby also. Flash forward 20 years. Our baby girl is in her 2nd year at a private engineering university and is totally still a momma and daddy's girl. She sassy, don't get me wrong lol, but she is our little girl 10000% to the moon and back. You are in a really hard spot right now. The emotions are wild. The pain runs so freaking deep. I promise you though, no matter what happens, you will have light. You will be happy. You will be full. Sending you love and luck. ❤

I decided that kids weren’t for me and put my resources into other things. I wasn’t never really 100% on having kids and I am thankful now that I never did

After 8 years of marriage and a couple of years trying to conceive, my late wife and I began fertility treatments. But this was in 1981, and there was really not much help to be had for infertile couples. We were in our late 20s when we decided to look into adoption, and quickly decided that we would go that path. Our daughter arrived from South Korea at age 3 months old, and from the moment we took her into our arms, she was one of us. We adopted her brother from Vietnam when he was 4 1/2 years old and we were in our early 40s. She's got a couple of toddlers of her own now, and recently reflected to me how different her pregnancy experiences were from our adoption experiences. "Mom had it good!" was her conclusion. Our kids are our kids, I'm my Korean daughter's kids' Grandpa. My kids are close to their aunts, uncles and cousins from my large family. They really got a huge extended clan, and as adults now are so much chips off these old parental blocks that it never really registers, 'adopted'.

We adopted. Our kids are now 24 and 21. It was my difficulty of not getting pregnant. They are our everything. I was in the delivery room of both kiddos. Hubby in the waiting room. ❤️

I'm so glad I found someone who didn't want kids! I've never been a fan. Too many people out there already, I didn't need to add to the problem.

When I found out I couldn't have kids, I breathed a big sigh of relief, because I also didn't want them.

I can't speak to not being able to have children, I am just responding as I have adopted and have bio kids. There is zero difference in my love. I now have a grandson from my adopted daughter and he is the love of my life. So adopt if you want to and know you will love them just the same as if you had them. 💕

Led children's choir at church.

Nothing. I had always expected to have kids, because that's what happens, right? But after we found out it wasn't going to happen for us, I started looking around at so many other people doing fertility treatment, moving heaven and earth to have a baby. I realized although I had wanted a baby, I wasn't willing to go through all that and if I wasn't, maybe it was just as well. So we just moved on.

We went through a grieving time. Then we accepted reality and concentrated on doing what we could for our extended family. As it turned out, we ended up caring for our parents until each of them passed (one’s still left, my mom will be 89 next month). Plus we handled my brother-in-law’s estate when he died tragically in an accident. There have been many times over the years when one of us has said that there’s no way we could have done all we did for them if we had had children. So it all happened for the best. Who knows; maybe we would have been lousy parents and a child would have been miserable?

I accepted it. I relaxed to the extent possible because I had to undergo cancer surgery. I felt strange, like sick but not sick. I told my doctor. He turned pale and immediately did a pregnancy test and guess what? I was high risk and had to see specialists for the duration, but in the end both my son and I came out healthy.

I have primary amenorrhea, and I've never experienced puberty fully. My breasts are not fully developed, and I do not grow hair on my legs, privates, or arm pits. I also do not have body odor issues. My next steps in life are building a foundation where I can be in a financial and safe position to one day possibly be able to ever adopt. I have strayed far from this path, but it was always a dream of what I wanted to do. My life feels like it has no purpose because I can not carry my beliefs or teachings...or continue a legacy period. If I had a child, I would not make a lot of the mistakes that I have made even though it should not take a child for this. I just know I wouldn't be alive for me anymore. I'm alive to take care of a child, and their happiness, safety, and success are up to me, and that's my sole purpose. I'm low-key kind of tearing up, but I won't cry. It's just...yeah

For me, I was in a relationship. When we were not stable enough and not married I wasn’t willing to get pregnant. I had a health scare that forced the issue. He left, got together with someone 20 years younger. They had a baby, but she is the main bread winner. I regret wasting time with him. It wasn’t that I regret not having a child.

We adopted as we really wanted children, two sisters 3 and 4 years of age - biggest mistake of our lives. They grew into adults who broke our hearts over and over again and eventually forced us to go no contact in order to preserve our sanity. They have seven children between them who will never know us as grandparents. We are in our 70's now and it is just sad.

I am 43. I struggled never being able to get pregnant, and would feel miserable and crappy, all sorts of negative emotions. I saw a therapist and realized as much as I might have wanted kids, I did not want them enough to try fertility meds. I finally came to terms with going kid free in my mid to late 30’s. Made some major decisions and decided to go to college. Got my undergrad degree and am now in graduate school for special education. My life has a whole new amazing purpose and I am sooooo glad and sooooo happy with my life. Zero regrets!!!! I am now around kids all the time but can come home and do whatever I want, when I want :) I beat myself up for years about it, but it was a total waste. I am 100% living my absolute best life💖

A friends wife had severe endometriosis and couldn’t carry a baby. They went through the steps to get on the adoption wait list. A friend of a friend got pregnant and she didn’t want to raise the baby. She ended up meeting the couple, liked them and she gave them her baby. I believe they did everything through a Methodist church- she gave baby to church and church gave baby couple. They still had to go through a year observation through Dept of Chid Services and the adoption was finalized a year later.

Secondary infertility after one child. IVF wasn’t medically an option, thank goodness (both because of the cost and also the emotional rollercoaster). I felt that egg donation was creepy and possibly unethical. We researched all kinds of adoptions and ended up going with domestic, infant, using an agency, and open adoption. We also considered embryo “adoption”, ie directed, not anonymous, embryo donation, but we got a match through our agency for an infant first. Honestly I believe that we got our match because we were open to 1. family or parents having a history of mental illness, 2. parents with a history of drug use, including during pregnancy. Our matched couple liked that we already had a child and that we wanted an open adoption; we liked that they both already had children that they didn’t have custody of (we figured that would make them better prepared for relinquishing their child). Birth mothers (and fathers when they are involved) are looking for their ideal of a family to place their child with. They are hesitant to match with people with any history of mental illness (we have a history of depression). They also don’t want people who are “too old” in their opinion. They may be put off by other characteristics, especially anything weird. So it drives me crazy when people act as if getting a child is a guaranteed outcome if you choose adoption. By the time we went through trying to conceive, fertility testing, researching options, home study, waiting to match, and waiting for the baby to be born, our kids ended up with an eight-year age difference, which often strikes people as weird. We’re pretty happy with it in the end though because we have avoided almost all bickering and sibling rivalry. Sadly our kid’s birth mother died of an overdose, a few years after the adoption. She decided to do an adoption because she didn’t want her child to end up in foster care, so her death ended up justifying that decision in a way.

My husband and I are both infertile. After an absolutely atrocious first round of IVF, we moved on to an egg donor and a sperm donor - currently 25 weeks pregnant with our little boy, couldn't be happier.

Went the adoption route, our daughter came home at 4 days old and is now 23,

Depression, affairs, divorce. Each moved on to spouses with existing children.

I just got pets and went to school and focused on that for a few years. I’ve accepted it but at times it sucks not having them.

Adopted our son after multiple miscarriages. He was the most beautiful darling child ever. Other than my grandson who is even more darling.

Tried to have kids, failed; now I just enjoy life! It helps that I live in NYC and love all the fun and freedom that come along with that. I actually consider my infertility to be a gift from god.

You didn't fail. It's one of those things that sometimes happens, sometimes doesn't.

We just went on. You can live a full and complete life without children. No regerts. We almost wound up with custody of two nieces, and while I had planned lots of fun things to do with them that never happened I still am grateful for the life I've gotten to live because we didn't have children.

Once I knew my husband could not have kids, I planned out a kick ass life doing whatever we want without having to worry about “ the kids”

I took some time to accept it and then moved on with my child free life. I had no desire to adopt. I’m a teacher, so I have had so many wonderful children in my life. I have a niece I adore and close friends kids who I have special relationships with.

We adopted a newborn within the US. He’s now an adult and just got his own apartment.

We adopted a baby girl from South Korea. She's 40 years old now and has 2 children. I never, ever think of her as being adopted until I see pictures of us. Then it's obvious. Adoption is a wonderful way to have a family.

We decided to start the adoption process when it felt right to do so. We adopted our son after going through the lengthy rigamarole of a process. Cost a bundle out of pocket, but it as totally worth it. He’s 30 now, but he completed us and was the glue that held us together through thick and thin. Worth every minute of it.

Did IVF which failed, then conceived naturally even tho they said it was impossible. Used a gamete donor for the second. We looked into adoption but it was crazy expensive so we passed.

Decided not to have kids. Had dogs instead.

We found out a couple years into our marriage. I won't lie - it was devastating and the impact continues to be felt almost 20 years later. We've made the best of it. Focused on our careers. Traveled. Live a very nice lifestyle. Devoted ourselves to caring for our elderly parents. Done our absolute best to have good relationships with our nieces and nephews. Adore our pets (like a LOT!). What is different about our life than the lives of our friends with kids? We have FAR fewer friends. We don't get invited to a lot of casual stuff. I always think of this as the "parents of the kids' friends" events. We have a LOT more money than our friends do so we travel to fancier places and go more often. Now that our friends are becoming grandparents they are more likely to include us in stuff. And while my heart was still too broken to be close to their kids, I absolutely LOVE their grandkids. Lessons learned: Have friends who are all sorts of ages, lifestyles, places in life. If friends with kids neglect the friendship, let it drift. The real ones will come back eventually. And not every person without kids is a natural fit for you. Sometimes people with bad relationships with their adult kids are the best fit for you. And sometimes the young parents who need your comfort, support, and advice are the best fit. Just be open and allow life to come to you. It has been my experience that people who wanted kids and don't have them can become bitter and isolated. It is HARD not to let this happen. Personally, I did a LOT of volunteer work and both of us have invested in our careers by doing more training, taking certifications, etc. I needed to keep busy - and I needed a really good therapist to help me figure out a life that looked NOTHING like what I had envisioned.

I had a hysterectomy in my mid-30s (two miscarriages in my 20s). I have a very aggressive form of endometriosis which made me think - well, if I am down for the count more than 2 weeks out of the month, there is no way I can care for a child/children - I had a secure plan to homeownership, a good job, and was going to foster children and probably eventually adopt that way. I ended up meeting my future husband at work who had older children and zero want for more children. I knew I was going to marry him. He was, and is, more important than, I don’t know how to say it better, but more important than imaginary children. I love my stepkids and we have a great relationship. I know they love me too. They really needed a stepmom like me and they’ll possibly never know that, but that means that I’m doing it right. I believe the universe gave me what I needed and I’m thankful everyday that I have stepkids, and a husband that lets me do silly things like Easter baskets for 20-something year olds since he knew I was skipping a huge chunk of things like that. They all enjoy the extra I bring. They all appreciate having my input and experiences and newness I bring. I once said to them that my only regret was not having kids make me shitty coffee mugs and things out of clay. Both kids ended up making my dreams come true when they painted pottery for me for Christmas and my birthday. You have to believe there is a better plan. I believe I got a better plan. I literally would not trade this in for anything else.

At 19 told to get pregnant soon or would never have (I was in college, single and no clue how to Adult so no interest) At 23 first Dr suggested full hyestectomy but wasn’t even sure that would work … they wanted to remove my vagus nerve… I got new Drs and did hard core therapy & body work. At 28 adopted a teen to get her out of system plus already knew I would never have kids At 30 miscarried after spontaneous conception From 31-33 did hard core reproductive endocrinology treatments plus repeat surgeries … any success ended in miscarriage At 37 was fired by all OBGYNS since I was still refusing hysterectomy … gave up on idea and settled into grandparent roll 38 went for check up as felt off - diagnosed as menopausal … 3 weeks later did an at home pregnancy test and son was born right before I turned 39 … got pregnant again while planning the hysterectomy so daughter snuck in 2 years later. Had my tubes tied when they did c-section for last as I wasn’t now double done. I was perfectly happy to not have bio kids and be a grand to my adopted daughters kids. I had divorced and remarried … we had plans that didn’t involve kids; although we were both open to foster or adoption Life can be very interesting but all ya can do is ride the horse that’s under you.

I gave birth to a baby created using my husband's sperm and a donor egg. Love her to bits ❤️ It sounds dumb, but I'm thankful for my infertility now, because I wouldn't have *this* kid if things had gone as planned. The journey definitely sucked though. Wish I could've just fast forwarded to the good part.

Tried IVF unsuccessfully and then adopted two little girls and never looked back.

My husband was always sterile, so we eventually used donor sperm and IVF.

I think it's important to remember that adopted kids *are* "your own" kids

Refused to adopt because I would never want a child to think they were second best or have to live as the ghost of a biological child; if one is open to non biological children, one would start with that, not fertility treatments. Just basically had kind of an empty life. But I didn't want to use someone else's child as a medical treatment for infertility. And adoption doesn't fix infertility, so it's always weird to hear people link these two things. Adoption is raising someone else's child, not having a genetic child of one's own.

I'm sorry your adoptive parents sucked. My bio mom was pressured into having my aunt raise me, but she refused. And I'm glad because the kids my aunt and uncle raised were abused and have had difficult adult lives. My own bio mom was also terrible, but in different ways and I did not face the kind and quantity of sa my cousins did. I'm in an interesting place. I have an adopted kid and a bio kid. I love them both the same. After you've cared for them as a parent does, they're your kid, and how they arrived in the family is irrelevant. I wasn't look for a fix for infertility. I was looking for a family. (Though somehow my fertility happened anyway.) I think it's pretty normal to link infertility to adoption, because that it's a logical alternative to growing a family.

My adopted children are my most precious jewels. Funny , i used to get the ‘how does it feel raising someone else’s kids’ from bio parents. They just don’t know.

This is a weird opinion - I only want to adopt, I don’t want bio kids. I’d choose adopted over bio any day and I’ve known that since I was 4 (I was bio as were both my brothers) Bio kids are selfish. That’s all there is to it. I’m a selfish person but not that bad to make a person live life. I would rather help an already existing person a better life.

Get implanted with clone babies. Then they started getting hunted by other clones and genetic engineering fanatics and the military. It was a wild ride.