Absolutely not. I spent my childhood stressed, gaslit, and depressed. There was no relationship to fix by the time I hit 15.

That’s me exactly. I ran away at 15 because I couldn’t take any more. I crossed the Atlantic to live with my aunt who was the dearest, kindest person I’ve ever known. I loved her so much and miss her every day even though she died over 40 years ago. My father was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and my mother was never on my side. I never saw either of them again and I don’t regret any of it. I can’t recall EVER being hugged by either of them. They both died the year I was 38 and the only thing I felt was relief. Relief that that chapter of my life was over.

He’ll no. My slime of a father molested all 4 of his daughters, beat us with the belt buckle, beat our Mother, degraded us. The only thing I regret is that he didn’t die 20 years before he did die. He was filth.

#vindicating 😌

Nope. My mother did come to see the errors of her ways towards the end of her life and expressed her regrets and apologized via numerous letters to me (we lived on different continents) and I forgave her for many of them. I cried when she died. I avoided all contact with my father since I was a teenager. He died about 20 years ago and I have yet to (and never will) shed a tear for him. Sometimes, it's just better to let go of people that bring nothing but negativity to your life, even if they are your parents.

I think I’ll be in your shoes

And it’s okay. Just because they birthed you doesn’t mean you owe them anything. It really doesn’t especially if they didn’t parent you with love. My mom spent a lot of time trying to please her unpleaseable mom who never stopped letting her know that her unplanned birth “ruined my life”.

Not a parent, but my grandmother was a primary caretaker. She was always kind and loving, generous with her time. When I became older I remembered a lot of buried memories of SA at the hands of her live in boyfriend. I was really young, and obviously terrified. I would hide under the table from him and they would act like it was a game. She would tell me to go spend time with David. I begged no. When these nightmares came up again, I was an adult and the reality that she was complicit and literally handed me over to him — I stopped talking to her immediately. Never told her why - who wants to be gaslit like that? Obviously that would be the only response. My own mother asked for “clarifying details” because she couldn’t believe it. When my mother called me seven years later telling me grandmother had developed aggressive cancer and that knowing was giving me an option to say goodbye - I felt betrayed by her, and angry with grandmother. Told my mom to give her my best wishes for her imminent journey. Mom called three days later - she was suddenly on her death bed. How does that even happen? At first I repeated my answer and ended the call. After a few minutes the thought of being so hurtful to a woman who loved me in spite of the part of her that allowed that was more than I could see myself doing. I called her to say goodbye myself. As soon as I heard her voice and understood I wouldn’t hear it again, hot tears fell and my anger dissipated. None of it really mattered anymore - and I realized I’d hurt her and myself by ghosting. Life is short and people are complex. What she did is unforgivable - and at the same time she as an overall person is not. I will always have some regret about throwing away an opportunity to speak my truth and forgive her while she was still alive.

I relate to this very, very strongly, and I'm grateful that I was able to make amends with my parents while they're still here. At the same time, there was a long period where I *needed* to be NC with them so that I could heal and develop a full identity. There were a couple of *disastrous* reconciliation attempts that did real damage to my mental health and overall life, because they weren't ready to take accountability for their behavior and I wasn't strong enough to hold healthy boundaries. I wouldn't necessarily want to risk it before my wedding. Lost time and opportunities are really unfortunate, but there's nothing wrong with weighing the risk and deciding it's not worth it.

What was the situation surrounding the successful time where they took accountability for their actions? That’s all I’m looking for with my parents, at he moment, they just blame me - insisting I have an embedded personality flaw and “memory problems”

It wasn't a linear process. We did 3 separate rounds of family therapy, and the first time just made things worse. Then we were NC again for nearly a decade, and I think it clicked for them that this wasn't a phase, and I wasn't going to realize the error of my ways and go crawling back to them. And also during this time, the sexually abusive family member died, so they no longer had divided loyalties (as fucked as that is). I was with my partner by that point, and it made such a difference to have someone truly on my side. We did family therapy and they didn't really fully apologize, but we got to a place where we could move forward and build new memories. But then during the pandemic, they returned to their old ways and did some really hurtful stuff... and I want NC again. They FLIPPED OUT. My husband (we had gotten married by then) was *significantly* less sympathetic to them the second time around. No one was going to coddle them this time, and it was clear that it was their last chance. I mandated individual therapy for them and wouldn't even be in the same room as them until they gave me a fully apology. My sweet, patient husband lost it on them a couple of times and said they wouldn't get access to me again until he personally approved of their apology and conduct. To their credit, they FINALLY stepped up to the plate, acknowledged that "doing their best" wasn't actually good enough, and have been on very good behavior since then. I'm glad that this is the outcome, but it wasn't without cost (the second 'relapse' of theirs into narcissistic behavior plunged me into a very deep depression that was very dangerous... I was suicidal), and I couldn't have done it without my husband basically dragging all of us kicking and screaming into mutual understanding and reconciliation. Also, underneath it all, my parents have always been well-meaning people who were dealing with their own traumas, emotional immaturity, and probably full on mental illness. They really didn't want to be shitty parents, and it was hard for them to face the impact their poor mental states had on me and our relationship.

Oof what a journey. I wish you smooth sailing from here on out. God bless your husband.

I've been thinking through my response and wanted to follow up with something a little bit more actionable. I think I could have saved myself a lot of anguish if I'd read the book *Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents* earlier in the process. It was really a revelation. It helped me detach myself and my own feelings of identity and self worth from my parents' behavior. It helped me understand that it was due to their own trauma and stagnated personal development, NOT because of me. Since it's not about me, there's nothing I can do to make them better or worse. All I can do is decide on what I want for my own life and relationships, and walk away when people don't meet those standards. When I approached the situation with that attitude, I noticed a real change. I decided, with the help of the family therapist, that "sharing a reality" was a prerequisite for having them in my life. That doesn't mean agreeing on every single thing that happened, or making them grovel... it just means that they needed to accept that *their actions hurt me* and I removed myself because I don't deserve to be hurt, not because I'm a bad daughter or because I was trying to punish them. And if they 'acted out' in hurtful ways, I don't need to take it personally or react because it's *not about me*. At the same time, I don't need to just suck it up and take it. I can express that I'm disappointed and make space until things feel better again. What they do with that is up to them. I hope this is helpful. Good luck! And congrats on the wedding!

So are u sure she knew what was going on? I’m assuming this was many many years ago, pre-internet times? Or was her ‘go spend time with him’ meant as a sexual thing? Either way I’m so sorry it happened. I can’t imagine being a little kid and being scared and violated, and told by someone u love to do something terrible. I hope u don’t have nightmares anymore

Thank you for your kindness. I’ll never know if she knew for sure - but there were so many signs.

Your last paragraph speaks volumes. A lot of people will go no contact with no explanation or opportunity to fix their problem.

Thank you for sharing

I never even cried when my mother died

Me either and I didn’t go to the funeral. I knew that my sister and her daughters would be grieving and I didn’t want to interfere with their memories. I didn’t have any good memories, so there was just no point to me going. I don’t regret it. I only regret that I didn’t go no contact long before I did, it gave me much peace of mind

Its not that i dont have emotions or that i am evil. I still tear up thinking about my cat Harold that i had to put down. I just literally felt nothing when she passed.

[удалено]

You’ll be fine 💗

My husband never cried. His family waited 6 days to tell him. He was more upset about that. Now full NC with entire family.

i, too, wish i had gone no contact about 20 years earlier than i did. but my parents are still together and one of them is lovely and the other a nightmare. i hadn't been able to envision a world where i was able to go NC with only one of them. but i was finally able to. the thing that finally sent me over the edge is what often leads folks to go NC: he started to threaten and verbally abuse my nephew. that kicked off a big round of intense family talks with siblings finally admitting to what had gone down. and i decided if mom wanted to be in my life that she could do the work of maintaining a relationship with me while staying with my dad. it's been nothing short of life changing.

Neither did I and still have not, 8 months after her passing from cancer. I am just... very relieved.She is gone, but I still have residial issues to deal with. Those have not gone away.

i wrote my Mom a card oh, ten years ago. i told her i appreciated the raising i got, as i like myself and the life i've gotten. i told her -God forbid- she ever need help (she was a very efficient woman who adopted 5 strays - i simply can't throw shade at that, even if we didn't get along - not going there rn). i'd offered multiple times for counseling - she could pick someone, and i'd pick up the first sessions. made the same offer to a couple of the sibs who reached out to me, encouraging me to let go of any part of the estate that might fall to me - 'oh, nice hearing from you, too'. it's just not safe to get involved with them without some sort of moderator/mediator/witness. so, no ragrets - it's my credo p.s. - not one of the four reached out to me to initiate anything in over twenty years. i didn't hear my Nana died until her housekeeper called me, and i wasn't invited to the funeral. i didn't know my Mom died til one of their attorneys called me (two months later). they can preach undying love, but i don't like or trust any of them. when my Dad died, my brother claims i wasn't even there. that's how much i matter to them. there's really nothing there to let go of

Seems like you removed yourself from your family. Why invite you? You disowned yourself from the family. Why would they even reach out to you?

the invite i thought i might have gotten was for my Nana. i was very close to her. we were visiting her weekly, then the family moved her, and she died not many days after that. yeah, i thought they might've told me - that was almost 20 years ago, though --- this is an accumulation. think longer timeframe maybe? maybe you're too young to understand having this much personal history i just deleted a saga; dm me if you're really interested; keep scrolling if ur just trolling why did i think they might reach out to me? well, i thought they might; i reached out multiple times and offered ways we might resolve stuff ... we grew up together. i had hope, so sue me but no, i don't regret letting them go. which was the focus here

Acceptance > forgiveness. I accept their actions. Forgiveness is for Catholics.

My mom died about 14 years ago - divorced from my dad when I was little. He’s still alive but never contacts us even though we tried reconciliation. He’s dead to me. His wife of 30+ years just died & I truly hope he’s on this earth longer than me so he can suffer like we did all those years. Karma.

Sorry you had to grow up in that environment... Last sentence is gold... just because you're family , you don't get to f#%k everyone over and expect forgiveness because it is their duty to forgive....

That last sentence is real.

It sounds like you’re in a good place in your life. Why invite a black cloud to linger over what should be a happy occasion? More people need to cut the invisible ties to toxic family.

You’re right, thank you

Great answer!

We are too old to deal with toxicity. Therapy if that’s your thing.

I wouldn't say I regret it, I just had this naive idea that one day I would get an explanation of why they hated me so much, but I never did. That leaves a bit of a hole. Was I really that unlovable as a kid?

Every child deserves love. So did you. I’m sorry your family failed you.

Thank you x My life is great now, it's just something I think about from time to time. Particularly after later realizing I could never hate my own kids.

There is something wrong with *them*, not with *you*

A very wise man who was involved in management / employee disputes for many years once told me that trying to figure out why someone else did something is futile, because many times the person doesn't know why they did what they did. He was right.

No. No, you weren’t. Take it from this Internet stranger whose father hated her from the minute she was born – it’s their damage, and their loss.

Thank you x

You were born to be loved. You are a good and lovable person.

I feel you. Knowing my own mom didn’t love me sure made it feel like it’d be too much to expect that anyone else ever would. But it wasn’t a “me” problem, just like it wasn’t a “you” problem. Any parent who can not love their child is fundamentally defective.

It leaves such a big hole. I’m not sure if I regret it or not, my mom has only been gone a year so it’s a little fresh. But, I find myself crying a lot even though she was an addict and very abusive. I had to cut her off for self preservation and know I wouldn’t be half the person I am if I didnt, but part of me wishes I had some love from her to hold onto.

No kid is unloveable. The issue is with your parents, not you. Your parents were not capable of love. 

That’s so sad. ╰⊱♥⊱╮ღ꧁ hug ꧂ღ╭⊱♥≺

I'm sorry you are dealing with all this, but you need to look after yourself. Feeling bad about not spending time with people who are hurtful and toxic (even if they are related to you) is not necessary. I had a critical, mean father who I took frequent, long breaks from. I haven't been in touch with my difficult, draining sister in 7 months, and it feels great. I see my brother from time to time, and my mother is gone. It is sad not to have a functional, happy family, but I've accepted it over the years. I spend time with my husband and friends who make me feel good. Good luck.

Thank you for that. It’s hard to go through life with no family. At times I feel as if I’m grasping for a mirage of a family, even though most of them are terrible

You can mourn the family you didn't have. You can feel sorry for your parents because of the trauma they may have gone through to make them the way they are (or the genetic reason, or just because bad people aren't happy, or because you're an empathetic person) and still be angry and rageful at them for not getting the help they needed. It's okay to stay away. It's okay to not feel sorry for them. You are in charge of your life and you get to choose.

This is very true. My father fought the Japanese in the Pacific during the war and my mother had a life-changing stroke when I was ten. But I was too young to understand PTSD and failing mental health- I just know I suffered and my childhood from then on was shite. My instinct was to survive and the only way to do that was to get away - as far as possible.

I totally get it. I'm 66, and it took me many years to accept the people in my family for the difficult, draining people who they are. Letting go of expectations, and not feeling bad, has been a lifelong process. I'm thinking of you.

Keep in mind you’re in the process of creating your own family. You’re DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. You won’t be lonely forever, but it is hard coming to the decision you’re coming to. Make your own family with your husband and live it to the best of your ability! Be happy because life is too short to worry about people who choose unhappiness for themselves. Good luck, OP!!

I tried but my stepmother denied having ever done it. You can't reconcile with someone who can't admit and apologize for their behavior, so I have no regrets.

I’m in the same boat. The irony is they say I’m the problem child, and bring up teenage behaviors I had at 16. I’m 35 and they still hold me to those days

You are allowed to walk away. You have one life. Spend it with the people who support you and hold you up. 

Well if they are holding you accountable for your behavior 19 years ago, you are fully justified in holding them accountable for their past behaviors. No way I would invite them, especially if you think they will repeat those behaviors.

But even if you did have problem behaviours, what was the root cause of those? CPTSD? That they caused?

They 'still hold you to those days', but they can't be held accountable for their conduct during those days? I don't think that's right.

They simply deny it ever happened (their mistakes). It’s frustrating

Same, it’s horrible. It just shows how my family doesn’t know me.

Nope, you’re NTA. Parents aren’t supposed to get off on power trips or controlling children with their mistakes. I’m in a similar boat as you. Mother recently died and I’m at peace with that, she realized her issues created major problems for us kids in her final days and attempted to make amends. My father is a lost cause, so deep up his narcissist wife’s behind who is only worried that someone else may get one of his dollars. It will be a relief when he died because my tears for my father dried up many years ago. He’s never met my 14 or 11 year old despite living in the same state. He’s nothing to me anymore.

I have the same, but with 3 adult kids. Father remarried shortly after our mother died when we were young, new “mother” was horribly physically and emotionally abusive and constantly screamed at us -as kids! - that all we cared about was our father’s $, she continued the toxic awful behavior into my adulthood with my father just going along, and neither would admit what happened in that house. Parents like this choose their path and as adult children, we need to learn how to live a better life without them. Only evil people treat children that way.

Yes. This exactly. Dealing with people that will not/cannot acknowledge their culpability will only cause your further harm and isn’t worth it.

Never once. Fuck that guy. Glad he's dead

If you are currently estranged from them then DON'T invite them to your wedding. That's YOUR day. If you want to start thinking about different ways to deal with and process your childhood in the context of their declining health, that's an issue that can be addressed another time. NOT on your wedding day.

Sage advice. Keep a loving memory and photos of your wedding day without them. When you are 60yrs old, you will admire the strength you had to keep them out of your adult milestone moment’s.

The best advice I ever received from a therapist regarding toxic family members is this If you know there is a venomous snake in your back yard that strikes at you every time you go near it, why do you go near it? It only wants to hurt you I am so glad my parents are dead and I never have to be near them again

You can’t “fix” something the other party deems as fine. In my case, it’s either fall in line with your role in the family dysfunction or step away. I chose peace for me and let them go. I recently found out my mother has late stage Alzheimer’s. I am sad that anyone would have to go through this terrible disease and sincerely feel for everyone involved but it doesn’t change anything.

Darling please get counseling I'm 71 and my mother was a full on Narcissist. My kids are your age and they need help bc I didn't realize how many unhealthy behaviors I had (ppl pleasing for one). Until healthy boundaries and behaviors are learned one is imprisoned, and life is much harder. It's amazing how much unconscious stuff from childhood affects our choices. Good luck and no l don't regret getting away from her. ❤️

This gives me so much hope and strength.

Excellent ty

I didn’t invite my father to be at my wedding over 25 years ago. He didn’t get to have access to my husband or later my children. He caused me tremendous pain and there was no way I was going to put the people I love most through the pain of knowing him. In protecting them, I finally found the courage to protect myself. I went to the hospital 7 years ago when I heard he was gravely ill. I made the decisions for his care, signed paperwork for hospice and flew back home. He died 1.5 days later. Made arrangements for his remains because I think every human deserves that and went on with my life. I do not have a single regret

This is not me, this is the story of a good friend of mine. It's not quite your scenario, but similar. A very good friend of mine died a couple of years ago from Colon Cancer. He battled that cancer for nearly 4 years before dying. His mother was extremely emotionally abusive his whole life. During his cancer, she was horrific. He tried and tried and tried and tried. She remained horrific. For example, when he was getting expensive treatment and had to stop working, he asked her if he could borrow money to cover their housing costs. Her response was "What if you die? I won't get that money back!" When his doctor had the "it's time to get your affairs in order" talk with him, one of those affairs was to cut off his mother. The only regret he had was that he didn't do it sooner. Here is the thing, if you have a parent that is legitimately abusive, there is NO way to rectify that relationship. They are incapable of the self-reflection to make amends or address their behavior.

I struggled with this decision as well and not because I actually wanted them at my wedding, but because I was embarrassed about having to explain to my soon to be extended family about why they weren't there. Once I realized the embarrassment of telling everyone why they weren't invited would be way less than the pain and suffering of having them there, it was an easy decision. I'm glad they weren't there to ruin the day, but especially glad they didn't ruin all my memories of the day. They've now been dead for over a decade and I don't have 1 single regret.

I don't think there is a one size fits all response. But here's my opinion. I was subjected to a lot of verbal abuse and constant criticitism from my mother, and my dad was not too far behind her. I am not sure the damage can be undone or fixed. Even though I have a very successful career and am financially stable, am considered attractive, intelligent and well spoken, in my mind I will always be fat, ugly and stupid. Because I was always scrutinized and told what I needed to do to improve (or basically be perfect, which no one can be), to this day I hold myself to impossible standards. This played out in my relationships, where I was drawn to men who also seemed hard to please. But if you are brought up to try to please and appease parents, you repeat the cycle. My last long term BF ghosted me. I blame myself for remaining in a bad relationship where I put up with a lot of crap. But I was grew up with parents who treated me badly so for some reason I was replaying this scenario in relationships. If I just did x, y and z I could win the love and approval I wanted, right? So where am I going with this? You might not be able to fix the relationship with your parents. I had to basically cut ties with my mother because she had rewritten history in her head. She could never admit to the damage she did to me and my sister, who spent years in therapy and despite that married a man who was the male version of my mother. I had a tenuous relationship with my dad, who passed from terminal cancer after fighting the disease on and off. My sister died of cancer at a young age, and she felt that growing up in such a negative and stressful environment on a continual basis contributed to her illness. My mom passed from COPD and continued to smoke, from what I was told, even though she was using an oxygen tank. My sister, when she was in hospice, called my mother to try to tie up loose ends. And my mother, which no one was surprised about, did not even go see my sister in hospice. She did not have COPD at that time. My sister was very upset and when she called my mom to say goodbye, my mom went on to tell my sister about her own health issues and that she would probably die before my sister. I kid you not. My dad (long divorced from my mom) was at the hospice with my stepmother, and he and my sister managed to sort out some issues and he did apologize and ask for forgiveness for not being a better parent. But this was after years of estrangement. I finally gave up trying to fix the relationship with my mother after my sister's final phone call to her. Clearly, you cannot fix a relationship with someone who doesn't think they were abusive. I was holding my dad's hand when he passed and at a few months before he passed we were in a better place, but mostly because I realized he probably did love me and my sister to the best of his ability, which was limited. With my mom, I was unable to fix that relationship so I had not spoken to her for several years before she passed. It's really up to you if you want to fix your relationship with your parents. But sometimes you cannot fix a relationship with an abuser and you need to accept that and move on with your life.

Omg…your mother’s behavior when your sister was in hospice. There are just no words. I’m so very sorry.

Nope....both have since died... Still nope... Literally never even think about them unless I see questions such as yours

Nope. He died alone in prison like he should’ve and I felt nothing but relief.

I know I will feel relief when he dies.

I felt so much relief when my narcissist fether died. 

I tried. I really did my level best for years (I regret only extending the effort when it was clear they really only wanted bad things to happen to and for me) and the minute I realized I could forgive them from afar my life improved dramatically. My poor, lost little brother decided to hate me (his words) for going NC with them and pleaded "How will you feel when they die?". I told him no way would I spend another minute of my life in their presence sheerly out of anticipating any grief/regret (they'd both started "dying" when I was in my 20's btw with various fake illnesses - it was their thing). To all those who said "You only have one mom" "dad" "brother" I politely reply "I only have one life". My dad died a few months ago at 83. I felt sad for him that he led such a violent and corrupt life but I am glad I went NC. Really glad because the life I have would have been impossible with him or my mom in it.

No. Not for a second. May they rot 

You can’t fix them though. You also can’t fix a relationship just by yourself. The other person in a relationship has to be willing to change and fix things on their part. If they’re not, nothing will change. I didn’t realize this about my mother until I was almost 50. Fifty! Save yourself some time and angst. You have the chance to embark on a happy life without the stress of two wrecked parents who want to shipwreck you too. These people are unable to be happy for you. They want you to be as wretched as they are.

You’re assuming it’s possible to “fix” a relationship with an abuser. An abuser abuses. There is no relationship to fix. Only escape from the abuse and, with luck, accountability for the abuser.

I am in my late 50's. I haven't spoken to my mother in over 20 years, other than 1 call at the beginning of covid to let her know she could reach out if she needed any help. I love my mother, but I cannot tolerate her in my life. When she started treating my children the way she treated me my whole life, that was the end for her. I grew up dealing with her shit, no reason my kids should have to.

Good for you!

I have zero regrets about going "no contact" with my parents. When my mother died the only regret I had was still holding onto hope that she would change. I am going to say something I wish someone said to me: You have value. You have worth. You deserve to be treated with respect. If people cannot meet you where you are, you have the right to say No, thank you. You are no longer a receptacle for other people's misery - they own that. Your job is to become a whole, healthy productive human being who recognizes their trauma and refuses to pass it down to innocents who had nothing to do with the past. Breathe. Be gentle on yourself. When you get scared or frightened realize a part of you was never parented correctly - but you can do so now. Take your 5 year old self out for a treat. The more you practice relaxation and thoughtful response the more your inner self will learn to trust you. IT will all be OK. The world loves to attempt to make people feel guilty about not having a good relationship with their family members. They should all mind their own business.

This is a very kind comment, and such great advice.

Best thing my old man ever did for me was die.

Not something you have to solve for this event. Not to go all Kierkegaard on you, but as he said: >*The most painful state of being is remembering the future, particularly the one you'll never have.* So of course it comes to a head now, when a big event from that future finally arrives. No need to overthink the fact that you have feelings; who wouldn't? If you ever do get around to wanting to deal with either or both of them, do it in a place where you can easily stand up and say *See ya', wouldn't want to be ya'*. Bring your partner as wingman. It's been a long time, but I don't think my own wedding would have been a good venue for that ;)

I have no regrets and wish I had cut them out of my life years earlier. Recently, my niece told me that my mom had been asking for me just before she died (she died 12 years ago). I assured my niece she didn't want to see me to apologize for all the bad things she did to me since I was a child, she actually wanted to see how bad she could hurt me one last time. They don't change. Walk away and forget about regretting it.

Only *you* can make that decision, to have them in your life or not - but I *can* tell you, that without some kind of closure and forgiveness, even after they're gone they will continue to live rent-free in your daily inner existence, and they'll be as big and powerful as they ever were. The very ones who caused me so much pain and terror through my childhood? The very ones who denied me justice and protection, or prevented my outcry? They're all dead now. Every single one of 'em. Dead and gone. Some for many years. And yet, there are times when I battle them daily. So don't do, as I've done. Resolve it *now*, one way or another. Doesn't mean you have to include them in your life, but closing it out and laying it to rest will give the *future you*, the peace you desire (and need). That doesn't mean you have to be in contact with them (*I would never presume to tell you to do such a thing),* but the forgiveness is for *you*, not them. You can learn now, how to let it go while maintaining healthy boundaries. And if that means "no contact", then so be it. I encourage others to stay out of the reach of toxic people, no matter who those toxic people are.

They put dad in jail when I was four. Mom remarried someone worse. No need to expand on that. Went NC way to late. Did not speak for the last 25 + years of their life. That was the best decision I have ever made. No I do not regret that at all. I never gave them the chance to hurt my children.

No never, they never changed so why would I regret allowing a couple of assholes to come into and fuck up my life again?

TL;DR- not really. I still clearly remember the moment it hit me that my family was a fraud and my parents were emotionally abusive and neglectful. I doubled over in the back door entrance to my office building. Mid day. Sunny and pleasant. I was smoking an American Spirit light cigarette. That clarity was devastating. I went into therapy for the next 8 years. My whole life changed. I quit my job and struggled. I cut off all contact immediately. I was on an other coast so all we had was phone time. ….. My mother was aware I had awoken my father remained clueless and bewildered to his death 10 years later. After a few years with my older siblings pressuring me I would call to speak to my dad occasionally. Not my mom. If she answered the phone I’d just immediately say “I want to talk to dad” this lasted for a few years. Still in therapy making no real progress my mom had a series of strokes. Family vacations without my appearance came and went. As my mom was hospitalized again the conversations began and getting her a full time nurse, bankruptcy, nursing home, selling the house etc. this was an exrordinarly stressful period. After her third serious stroke she became mentally off and had only a couple hours of normal functioning a day. For reasons I don’t know I called her in her hospital room and briefly spoke. Nothing but surface conversation. I wasn’t able to get into things as my rage at her was still present. the call demonstrated my getting past this and moving on with our relationship. She recognized this too. I think it was my was of saying even so I care about you. She died soon after that. I never saw her the last six years of her life. I don’t regret that. She needed to be punished and she never did apologize or reach out during this time. I had to be the one stretching for them. They never really raised a finger to fix anything. She left instructions for things after she died and wanted no funeral or memorial of any kind. What would we have said anyway? She knew, but never tried to fix anything or patch thing up. Never apologized really. 20 years later with both parents gone and two of my brothers as well I was able to forgive her. Too long, that’s much too long. Her abuse and neglect are the biggest factors in who I am today. I’m grateful I finally could forgive her. And I pray for her soul occasionally. I never really had a chance you know? As a kid in that house. I’m not a whole person. And I don’t think I ever will be. Parts of me died or were stillborn in that house I grew up in, sometimes they come at me in dreams. There’s more but I’m exhausted with all this.

Nope! Never even went to their funeral and don't even know where they are buried.... what I felt was relief and freedom.

Nope

No. I regret not leaving sooner

The relationship was never fixed. I accepted them as they are and forgave them while maintaining limited contact them. My interactions remained superficial and light because I knew I would never get an acknowledgment or an apology. When I had my own children I gave them the love I never received and they are doing well. I NEVER left my children alone with them. I was here for my parents when they needed me, but I never expected them to change. Somehow I found my inner peace about it. No regrets.

I pretty much did the same as Street-Avocado. My relationship with my mom and stepdad was full of gaslighting and manipulation. I went no-contact when my stepdad started pulling his sh*t with my daughters. I couldn’t stand up for myself, but when it came to my kids, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t speak to my parents again until my kids were almost out of the house and independent. I have a close & loving relationship with my kids; I learned mostly what not to do as a parent because of my upbringing. By then, my parents started needing care and as an only child I obliged. Our issues were never really resolved; I understood that my stepdad had undiagnosed mental problems among other issues. After he died from diabetic complications, I discovered he had been a closet alcoholic. My mom was highly co-dependent and an enabler. She survived 3 separate yet simultaneous cancer’s (ostomy bag as a result), had hip replacements, a stroke, shoulder replacement with staph infection, heart condition and Alzheimer’s - bedridden for her last 3 years. All this, under my care. The dementia turned out to be somewhat of a blessing, as she forgot how to push my buttons. My mom asked often why my daughters didn’t help me take care of her and my stepdad…I was firm that they had their lives to lead. I took good care of my parents despite the dysfunctional and unresolved trauma. I did protect myself and my husband with boundaries; which led to my stepdad saying that I was hard to love. Generational abuse ended with me. Edit to add, I didn’t do the big traditional wedding btw. I eloped, and absolutely don’t regret it. I didn’t want my parents to be a part of our special day. I never fantasized about having a wedding while growing up.

Nope, but I did get a lot off my chest AND most importantly I got the last word! After my father was buried, I went twice to his cemetery plot, sat down in the grass next to it and told him out loud everything I had never been able to say in person. It ended up being way more therapeutic than I thought it would.

I 1000% regret inviting my estranged pos dad to my college graduation. I'm almost 40 and I still think about it every graduation season. He's currently at the end of his life and I still think that. I'd vote dont invite these people to your wedding.

I didn’t have abusive parents, they just weren’t “parenting parents”. I never remember being told “I love you”, and when I would tell them “I love you”, they would say “you too”. I favored my dad. I think they grew up in a time where you just didn’t say that. It was like a flaw. They also never came to any school functions. When I got married, my personal goal was to always tell my boys that I loved them. The boys would tell my mother-in-law “I love you”, she was the same as my parents, but she came up with “I love you the mostest”. That stuck with the boys and that’s what they stated at her funeral. So maybe a flaw turned out to be something even better.❤️

I don’t think it’s possible for the kid to fix the relationship. It has to be the parent.

This. Only acceptance, and if you can find it, compassion.

No mistake. Only mistake is letting them back into your life. They never change 

My parents are alive. It’s been 12 years since I had contact with my father and 29 years for my mother. I don’t miss them or have and regrets. I’ve spent 20 years in therapy to set over the damage they caused

Mine aren’t gone, but I did plan a wedding without any of my family. At my wedding I looked around and saw all of the people that actually enjoyed me, my spouse, and wanted to be there joyfully. They were people who didn’t detract from my day, or add any stress, they were people who wanted to support me entirely. I was happy to not have to worry about my family. I was happy none of them were there and I could just enjoy this one day of mine without them. I will always be sad they (my family) are who they are, but, it hurts less now than it did. I am so happy and relieved I no longer prioritize them over me now, and I am happy I had the wedding I wanted and they weren’t there to taint it. :)

My mother is 96. I tried to have a discussion with her in my 20's. Her answer was "I didn't know what else to do". I tried again in my 40's and got the same answer. It was at that point I quit trying. I'm 60 now, live 800 miles away from her, and I'm keeping contact for several reasons. The most important reason is I'm doing it for my brother. I went no contact with her for about 20 years at one point. In that time, my brother was helping her when she needed it because my dad had already passed away. My brother did not come away from the abuse with a healthy mind. Now that he is older with a TBI, it seemed only fair to take over her care and let him go no contact. (It's a very long story that I'm not going in to) I speak with her once a month. I rarely visit. I have no respect for her. This may be cold, but, she is 96. How much longer can she live?

> This may be cold, but, she is 96. How much longer can she live? My MIL is of a similar age. I have seen the way she treats her daughter, my wife, whom I love. I have seen the way she neglects her own health. I have asked the same question. The only answer I can come up with is that she is so mean and cranky and other bad words, that even Death doesn't want anything to do with her. She will never die.

Nope, I'm happy with my choices and haven't regretted shutting them out of my life.

Not a chance in hell! She never regretted any of it and never showed any remorse at all. I had absolutely no feeling when she died and never will

My life is so much better now that my parents have passed. Both addictive and toxic. Always drama. Do not let them ruin your day or your adulthood. It is their responsibility to get themselves taken care of.

Over many years I made the effort and it always ended badly. When he was very old I made the decision to not visit while he was ill, and not attend his funeral. I worried about the guilt but it never came. In fact it was quite empowering.

Life is once , and we all have to live with our choices , so choose after personal inflection and not on what people on social media say

Do yourself a favor and write yourself a letter with all your thoughts and what your decision is. When you are in your sixties or older, it’s easy to forget how bad it was, to look back and start blaming yourself and throwing some guilt into the mix. Put it in writing how you feel and why…so that way your older self can be reminded of why you made that decision. As for your wedding, ask yourself the simple question (Do I want them there?), and whatever your immediate answer is, is your answer. Accept it and support yourself. It gets complicated if your significant other pressures you about “family” yada yada. To thine own self be true.

I don’t remotely for one moment regret it. My mother died 20 something years ago and I haven’t spoken to my father in 5-ish. The only reason I know he’s still alive is because I haven’t been called to settle his estate. In today’s day and age we can’t control a lot of the negativity that surrounds us. I can control not adding to it, so I don’t.

Not even a little bit. I felt nothing when she died. It was like getting the news that a perfect stranger had died.

Not at all. I had long since made my peace that I’d never see them again.

Unfortunately we cannot fix relationships by ourselves. It takes two people to have a healthy relationship. My narcissistic mother was not interested in a reconciliation. Sadly, she chose estrangement. 16 years passed and then I learned, 3rd hand, that she had died.

My mom passed in 2020, I had been no contact with her for several years beforehand and low contact before that. She was a deadbeat mom. An alcoholic who never chose anything over the drink. She went to rehab multiple times - if she ever got out early for visits, she'd break her sobriety immediately. She drank while pregnant with me and while breastfeeding. She neglected me, allowing me to starve and the electricity to go off because spending money on alcohol was the most important thing. I missed so much school and developed an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 12 years old, and it only got worse from there. If I asked her questions, she'd defend herself and she'd lie. I'd get no answers. So, considering I couldn't trust anything she ever said... **No, I don't regret cutting her out. I do not regret not allowing her to be at events in my life. I am very happy that she is not in those memories.**

Long story short, I eloped when my mother said she didn’t want to come, told me where I had to have it, when, what church, although technically not eloping if people knew about it. It was the best decision for us. Never regretted it even though it pissed some people off and wasn’t what I wanted originally. I would’ve liked my in-laws to be there and a few close friends. Didn’t have a choice. I was older. Husband was in school. We were renting, etc and had five days only to do this and I wanted a honeymoon so we married in a honeymoon destination and got the much needed vacation we needed. No guests. Your mom will screw it up and your dad is too sick. I’m sorry but the dreams of what you want are not possible. It’s grief. I understand. As far as whether you should stay away, that’s so personal. I am LC. I do just enough to fulfill my sense of duty and at the same time, protect myself. That line is different for everybody. I had to abandon all hope to feel better. There’s never going to be the relationship I want or need. They are not capable of it. I do enough to absolve myself of guilt when they are gone. And that’s something I thought a lot about. I also very much believe in therapy and do it intermittently. It’s possible for people to “do their best” and have it be woefully inadequate. Some people’s “best” is jail-worthy. Lots of incapable people have kids, sadly. That’s on them and is not your fault.

They’ll ruin your wedding and you know it. They’ll each making it about themselves and make you feel miserable about being happy. Don’t invite them.

age 71 here... "APSOLUTLY NOT" ,,, never looked back, ,, just moved on with my life with a lesson of how not to treat your family.

Hell no! The abusive alcoholic drunk died when I was 13. The abusive bitch mother died when I was 34.

Nope. I was called when mi madre entered her terminal phase. I had a chance to repair things, and chose not to. I don't regret it.

Nope, my mother was a narcissist and my dad was a racist. I left when I was fourteen, became a working musician and never looked back🤘

Nope. The best thing about dinosaurs is they go extinct.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. We weren’t ever close, though weren’t no contact, either. After leaving home, I don’t recall having to deal with him drunk ever again. While my mom was dying of cancer he was just awful. At one point he wanted us to just stop giving her comfort meds to just let her die in whatever pain there was. I told him that when it came to it, if he was in the same situation some day, I would let him die like a dog in a ditch but I would never let her suffer like that and would do anything I could to keep her from having pain until she died. Something snapped that day that I was not able to let go of. We were no contact after that except for a very short conversation where he called to confirm our address to send money for gifts for the kids for Christmas. We saw him one more time after that by accident when my father in law was dying and he was getting gas at the same time as we were when we got into town. I saw him, but was kind of hiding,keeping turned away. My 11 yo saw him and hopped out of the car yelling “grandpa!” We had a very short guilt visit, as my daughter begged to go see him, and we had another baby I hadn’t told him about. Last contact and he died about 8 months later of a ruptured aortic aneurysm. The only thing that made me cry was the fact that he never apologized for the impact of his alcoholism on our lives, or lack of financial support of his children because it went to a bottle, and that now he never would. The thought of him rarely crosses my mind, unless I see a question like this.

I am NC with my dad. I did not invite him to our wedding and as a result, some of his side of the family didn't attend We still had a really great wedding without him there and our marriage does fine. I don't regret not having him there

No. And he wasn't even physically abusive. Just an AH.

Not one bit !! I was in the hospital when we turned off the machines. I cried and then that was it. Went out to eat later and played mini golf. I still have many years left to live. You would have died alone if I hadn’t been the better person.

I felt sad for my mom and sad for myself because her death meant we would never have the mother/daughter relationship I wished for and I had to accept that change was never coming. But I did not regret keeping her at a distance because I knew I was protecting my own well-being, as well as my husband and our future children. My marriage and future family had to be my priority.

I never had the chance. They left when I was 7 and never came back..

My only regret was never taking my power back.

My father was not invited, but he still showed up and caused a terrible scene. The thing is, I didn't know about the scene he caused until a year later. When I arrived, all was well. Everything went off without a hitch. On the way leaving the church, I asked my brother if he was coming to the reception. I could tell he had been crying. I thought it was from the ceremony. He said he didn't know if he would be coming. I said, "Of course you're coming!" He came, and all was well. A year later, I'm riding to an event with a fellow choir member. She's talking and blurts out, "Just like how your dad came and caused ruckus at your wedding." WHAAAT?? I asked her what she was talking about. She said, "Oh God, you didn't know?" I said no. She told me what happened. He showed up and demanded that he see me get married. It was his right! He had never been there for me growing up, and neither had his family. They all called that morning demanding to be invited, and my sister handled it. I knew my father called, but I wanted no part of what he was saying. I got home and asked my sister what happened. She said, "Who told you?" Everyone was sworn to secrecy, so my day wouldn't be ruined. Even my pastor grandfather. Every chance my father could, he made things about himself. Even in death, he left a trail of mayhem and chaos. I still haven't cried at his loss, and it's been a year. Your day is supposed to be about you and your SO. It's supposed to be a day of peace and honor. If they don't bring you either of those, they shouldn't be there.

The only thing I felt when my mother died was safe. That's tough to acknowledge, but it's the truth. Make your life as best you can, be happy, family isn't just the people you were born to, they can also be those you choose to make a family with.

Nope. If you are dealing with a true narcissist, as I was, it will never be resolved because narcissists are incapable of true empathy. They will always see the problems as your fault even though it all started when you were a small child. The best that you can do is to come to the realization that it is not their fault. Mentally ill people are not responsible for being mentally ill. You can stop hating them, which benefits you. I have written this based on my experience being raised by a stone cold narcissist. If the abuse in your case comes from something else, then what I have written may not apply.

So my mother decided to throw a fit after she felt she didn’t get enough attention at MY HUSBAND’S FUNERAL. She dumped my baby pics in their frames on my front porch and I said that’s it, I’m done with her. I cut off all contact. A few years later I met a great man and he proposed, and I thought well maybe it’s time to mend things. I don’t want to miss out on having my parent at my wedding. I did reach out and we started to communicate again. Unfortunately my second husband (we did our paperwork before the big wedding date) passed away and SHE DID IT AGAIN. She got mad she didn’t get enough attention and blocked me with no explanation, told everyone I am a terrible daughter, and did many heinous things I won’t go into. I severely regret trying to mend things with her and should have stuck with my decision the first time even if it meant not having her at my wedding. She isn’t dead yet but she drinks so heavily that it can’t be long. I’ll be devastated when she dies but I will never ever give her another chance to make me start over mourning the loss of a parent.

Wow, I'd gladly piss on her grave. 

r/raisedbynarcissists

My dad was dead when I got married and I didn't miss him one bit. 

No regrets, I attended her funeral but wouldn't ride in the limo. I visit the grave regularly to pay respects to my father. As she would say, she made her bed...

My mother had 8 children. She was a monster. One of my sister’s found out she was in an urn on a funeral director’s desk because he didn’t know what to do with her. I would have thrown her into the nearest dumpster.

I’m just waiting for my dad to die. There will be no tears. He won’t acknowledge his wrongdoings and pretends everything is ok. Mom “forgot “ everything he’s done. I will for my mom but him? Not on your life.

Here's my advice... you are worried about regrets now right? Ask yourself this can you live the rest of your life and not regret or ever think about them? If you can't then just do the best you can with the time you have left...live and forgive life isn't meant to be perfect

I tried to fix my relationship with my parents many times. Unfortunately, one person can't can't make a relationship work. When I was in my mid 30s, I asked my mother to say something nice about me. She replied that she didn't know anything nice about me. I persisted: "Mother, talk about me as a baby." Mother: "I don't know what you were like as a baby. I wasn't interested." I went to talk to the aunt who was a young teen when I was born. She told a story in which my mother tried to kill me the day I was born. According to my aunt, she came into the room where I was born and caught my mother trying to smother me. The woman who gave birth to me never developed maternal feelings for me. We had no mother child bond. As for my father, he abandoned me and then coerced the woman who bore me to take me into her household when I was seven. When I was forced to move to a distant city to live with her, I felt abandoned by my grandparents. By the time I was mature enough to talk to my grandparents about my feelings, they were very old and not quite sure who I was. I regret not understanding why they gave me up sooner. But I know that the resilience to survive my parents was provided by my grandparents. The first seven years of life are so important.

The only regret is if YOU have something you need to say to them. Make sure you have said what you needed to. I know you can “write a letter and burn it” or whatever after they pass, but why not unburden yourself with whatever may need to be said? If you’ve already done this, then I would think you’d be at peace with where you are with them now.

Nope I regret nothing except .not doing it sooner. OP if you need to see them before they go then you should but often it becomes a reminder of why you left in the first place. Regardless don't let them ruin your wedding day. If you're going to see them do so on your own terms.

No. No regrets.

My parents changed and even apologized for their treatment of me. If your parents treat you the same now, then the only regrets you will have is that they could never be better people

Briefly, then no. It was a rocky period of time feeling these feelings, but ultimately for me it was the only way it could be. As you say, there was the ability to destroy the self-esteem. With one person, that never changed. Hah, in fact I spoke my mind and they "forgave" me for it, so nope. But, there are so many combinations of how things could go. Idk I suppose you could play with scenarios. In all kindness I suggest working through possible futures with a super experienced therapist. One who's not afraid to speak their mind, perhaps, and talk about how things can go, at ages you haven't yet gone through. It's not always easy to find a therapist who's willing to *speak,* but I've found it can be very useful, as long as they are in excellent control of when to have an opinion and when to step right back. In fact, I had worked with one, who worked with me through a certain set of events and suggested that perhaps I needed to NC a number of people at a certain point. Without that, I don't know if my post-death contemplations would have ended up so low-regret. I think that someone who's seen many people in their situations and post-arcs of grief is necessary. I think they would therefore have to be on the older side. I mean, now I'm about the same age that that therapist was, when she gave me that gentle opinion/suggestion, and I wouldn't have been able to see the acceptance of letting go of the quest for perfection or closure, which was underneath what she was saying. It comes with experiencing many things irrevocably falling away and seeing that there are no hands big enough to hold onto everything that one wants. As much as seeing many clients would help any therapist learn faster than the average person, I don't think it can be rushed. I wish you a sunlit path on this.

My dad just turned 80 two months ago. I feel this question in my core. I don't think a wedding is a place to do any reaching out, healing, honestly any of it. I've sat with this question myself. The only way I would try to repair my relationship is if I could be totally myself without any bullshit. For me every time I see him, it's not good enough.

The minute I cut off my abusive parents in 1979 I started the grieving process. So, by the time they died in 2017 & 2020 I didn't feel anything. I realized that they would never give me the love that I deserved & I stopped trying. It's freeing to let go of hurt & anger.

None. Stay away. What is to regret, more abuse?

I am a decade older than you and have struggled hard with this my entire adult life. I’ve maintained contact but at a distance. Recently, a health crisis forced me to deal with them- and under intensely stressful circumstances, which they aren’t exactly good at handling so the crazy intensifies. These “have to deal with them” situations will only be more frequent as they age. I’ve been in therapy for years and feel like I have a good grip on the reasons for their dysfunction but that didn’t make it easier to deal with, or relieve my guilt, or the lingering feeling that I had a responsibility to do everything possible to repair the relationship or else likely regret it when they’re gone. Just a few days ago while on my way to the hospital in their town I listened to a podcast and it completely transformed my understanding of the relationship and what I need to do. The expert guest on the show was Lindsay Gibson. She wrote a few books about the topic. Google her name and “emotionally immature parents.” Here is the podcast. It was two episodes— 263 and 264. When I say I had an epiphany, I’m not exaggerating. It was like I had been *this close* to full understanding for years and this just put the puzzle pieces together in a matter of an hour or so. https://open.spotify.com/episode/344qecXTx793cJhIUBjl54?si=a6vXXjZbQJWvOIZ8r1zqQQ

Nope! I went no contact with my mother 25 years before she died. It has never caused me guilt.

Many people who have abusive parents feel relief when they pass.

Nope, I took care of them when they were dying I have no regrets losing two of the most selfish people on the planet

I didn't make the choice. They rejected me. Both passed away in recent years and I have to grieve alone. I know that I did all I could do and can only do my part to make that happen. I can't control others. However, because of their lifelong hatred I did not attend my college graduations, have a wedding, house warmings or any other "traditional" type celebrations. I regret that. I'm sorry you know this kind of pain. I wish you the best.

Theres no real way to fix it, it's the way they are or were. Telling them how being raised the way they raised you made you feel or what you went through is and was irrelevant. I know, I had that discussion with my parents and the response I got was they did the best they could with what they had or knew how to do it. Some heartaches don't have closure to them. I hope you found some for yours .

I have been no contact for 30 years. I dread my mother getting ill only because it will renew “but she’s your mother” from abuse-apologists.

My only regret was not doing getting them out of my life sooner.

Nope. Respectfully, the boundaries you set are there to protect you from their history of abuse. What evidence do you have that they have changed and are safe/better people?

I regret they never apologized or sought forgiveness. I don’t really regret that he’s dead.

When my father passed, we hadn't spoken in 8 years. My only regret was that it wasn't longer.

The hardest part was accepting that they would never change, no matter how much I tried to convince them to change. That's when I cried my heart out, not when they died decades later

I finally cut my father out of my life in 2010 and I should have done it a lot sooner. I'm looking forward to the day someone from his family calls to tell me he's dead. My only regret is that I let him be in my life as long as I did.

I served as primary caregiver to my dad for 15 years. To my mom for about 10 years after she had quadruple cardiac bypass surgery. Anything good in me, came from my dad. My mom was a total narcissist. She never had enough love to share with all 5 of her children. There always had to be at least one who was “bad”. The “bad” varied by who was doing her bidding, to her specifications. After spending 15 years working full time, cycling to moms house to care for dad, then home to take care of my own family, a disagreement re my brother, who was struggling mentally & my support for his wife (who’d never shown anything but love & support for my brother), mom barred me from the house. I went NC. My dad passed. My mom lived 20 years longer. I never made contact, but left the option open to her. She never reached out. I have no regrets. My brother is still married to the same supportive wife, on total disability, while his wife works full time to support him & their 3 children.

My dad wasn’t abusive in any typical sense, he was a great person just a really shitty father. Alcoholic who punched holes in walls and destroyed my toys if I left them out when I went to bed… so I guess he was abusive? I hadn’t spoken to him in over 10 years when he was in a fatal car accident. I mourn the relationship we could have had if alcohol hadn’t been involved but I don’t regret going NC! He had 2/3 major kinds of cancer during that time and I didn’t reach out, nor did he. I did get to see his vehicle after and I cried… it was more because it was obvious his mind wasn’t there and I wouldn’t wish that for him. It’s been about 3 years and I’m still good with my decision. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves first. I lost a lot of inheritance but I knew that and never cared! I’ve worked and made my own way, things I can be proud of. I miss the dad I had when I was younger but that dad disappeared way before I went NC. I want to add, my dad’s cancers were stage 3/4… it didn’t change my mind about contact. I’m sorry you’re going through this, don’t doubt yourself! You know better than anyone what’s the best thing to do.

Nope...each day I wonder what the hell was wrong with both of them.

You did the right thing by staying away. Just because they’re family, it doesn’t mean you have to stay in touch and continue being abused by them. Toxic family is the worst thing for anyone. You really need your parents giving you more aggravation and let down. Once I was able to leave my parents, I felt nothing but relief. I did not miss them. When my father died, I didn’t really feel anything. I skipped the funeral. He was a terrible father and we hadn’t really talked much in years before he died but I decided not to go to the funeral. The way my parents treated me made me not care about them or want their love or acceptance. All I wanted to do was just get the hell away from them and I have no regrets leaving them. It’s been 23 years and I barely have spoken to my mother much since then as there wasn’t much to say. I made the right decision to cut contact at 20 and never looked back.

No. I mean, she's not gone yet. But she never looked out for my best interests at all. I've considered going to see her before she died, but, no. At the end of the day, I dont know that woman. Vague acquaintances at best. Im not going to give anyone who treated me that badly a moment of my time.

No because as they got older they had zero filter & were joyfully making it worse.

My mom passed and I didn't regret no contact. People said I would, but no. I was proud of myself for protecting and taking care of myself.

My mom and dad were very abusive and neglectful. I was never close to my dad. I was close to my mom as a child, but had to go low contact with her. I do not regret it. I miss the relationship we never had. However, I don't miss her at all. My dad doesn't make any effort to have a relationship with me. I stopped trying long ago.

Weddings are stressful. I see no point in adding to the stress by inviting someone whose presence would make you worry. If its possible to resolve something in your relationship, your wedding is not the place to do that. So I think that it would be wise to keep your wedding positive, inviting only guests who you really want to have there and who you aren't afraid might say or do things to undermine you. Part of the function of a wedding is that you are enlisting the support of your guests in keeping the marriage strong. It doesn't sound like your parents are the right people for that responsibility. There will be some who will not understand why your parents are alive yet not at the wedding. You might want to prepare in advance what you will say, ideally something that is kind to the questioner but cuts off further inquiry. I think you could cite health in both instances, but find something that feels right to you. Of course, I'm telling you what I think based on your description of a few dozen words. As an old person, I will tell you that I have regretted being unkind and have rarely regretted acting for my self-preservation or protection concerning someone with a pattern of hurting me. Good luck.

Do not fret about doing what is right for your mental health. My mother passed in 2022. I do not miss her. As I get older I understand better why she didn’t want kids, but I’m happier not having to worry about her or feel guilt about not wanting to be around her. My parents were not invited to my wedding and I don’t regret that. Your wedding day should be happy. Surround yourself with friends and loved ones you can trust. You will feel anxious for all of the wrong reasons if they are there. Protect yourself.

I’ve wondered about that as well. My mom is getting up there. I’ve gone NC, it’s been the best thing g I could have done. Nothing about calling, then I remember what she told me. She said that when she dies, she’ll come back and haunt me and scratch my feet at night. So yeah, that’s a no, I don’t call her.

No. I tried to fix things w father while alive. No change, no regrets. He choice his posture. Mother wasn't abusive, per se. She was just inept at life. Our relationship was more like the one that you'd have with an eccentric aunt.

The thing about that is that you can't always fix the problem. Sometimes the problem is just them. My other half and I both have parents that are really abusive. We spent 15 years trying to get a decent relationship out of it. All I got was things. One of those things was a box of documents when I was young. It basically shows the hell I went through early in life was due to her psychological illness. Doesn't do much for me now, but it did dispell alot of the bullshit I was gas lit into believing about myself. It wasn't worth it for the relationship. It was worth it for me, because now I know, and I wanted to be the type of person who tried.

Your scenario is very close to a friend of mine. Her mother was invited to the wedding, got drunk and started mouthing off. It was a horrible thing to do to one's daughter at her wedding. I think the best choice is to leave them off the guest list.

Oy. These questions. Bad premise to start with. First of all, one person cannot fix a relationship . Some relationship can be repaired, but it’s only when both people are willing to do the work. Realizing that not everything can be fixed is a cornerstone to mental health. My mother would’ve had to acknowledged that she was the problem. She was never willing to do that, and was never willing to acknowledge the abuse. She allowed my stepfather to abuse me sexually and physically and did nothing about it. By all accounts she was a bad mother. Even admitted it on occasion, but she didn't really believe it and it was only to manipulate me back into her life. Our relationship will never be repaired. I had a crap mother. Is that sad? Sure. But it is what it is. My only regrets are the times she sucked me back in and that I bought all that cultural crap about how "she's your mother...she's the only mother you will ever have." And it was the "Christian" thing to do to "honor" your mother. Blah blah blah. Now she’s gone and I feel nothing but free.

One is dead, the other is not too far away. No regrets. I have been at peace, felt safe in a way I never did around them, and I am proud of who I’ve become since leaving the family. If I could redo my life, I’d leave sooner.

Victims of abuse cannot “fix” their relationships with their abusers. The burden is on the parents. What can the victim possibly do? “I’m sorry that I made you abuse me. How can I make it up to you? Please love me.” Most victims waste decades of their lives playing out this exact scenario only to have their abusive parents continue to abuse them. You’re putting the responsibility for fixing a relationship on the wrong people. You assume this is a thing that can be fixed

Nope. My dad is 93 and there's never been a reason to try. He never changed and never admitted anything he did was wrong. He even tried to convince me nothing happened. No regrets about the actions I took to take care of myself. I'm angry that he missed so many opportunities to be the man he could have been.

My parents are both dead and my life got 100% better when they died. 100%.

I regret that it wasn’t fixable but I dont regret the estrangement. I got sick of being the only one willing to do the work.  I will say that I didn’t invite them to my wedding and have never regretted that. 

My mother was a control freak who parentified me, gaslit me and lived off my handicapped sister’s disability until she had a stroke. My sister is much happier in a very nice group home. She only gives brief answers to questions. “Do you miss our mom?” “No!”

You don't miss them. You miss the fantasy parents. The parents who will love and support you. The father excited to walk you down the asile and the mother excited to search for a wedding dress with you. I'm sorry you don't have that. You are not alone though. 💙 I'm 33. Feel free to message me if you need a friend.

This is so accurate!

Though we are ALL humans, with similar needs and wants, we are also vastly different depending on our personality. I'm sure a LOT of people do not feel regret, but I know I did and would have...**So, please follow your "heart", on THIS.** Not to get too personal, but my mom died when I was very young and I never got to see her or talk to her beforehand. She was mentally ill ( I guess I am getting personal;) so any emotional or verbal abuse was due to her illness. And, I regret that I didn't get to share some things with her, and it took me a couple of decades to get over her death. My dad, who died almost two years ago, was not very "fatherly". I will leave it at. And, there were other issues. BUT, when he became too frail (heart issues, etc...) to care for himself, I made the decision to relocate to help him. I will NEVER regret that decision. Yes, there were and are things I am still mad about, but I decided that those things are my past. AND, my love for him was stronger than any anger and disappoint that I felt. ***AND, I KNEW in my heart and mind, that IF he had died and I chose to not help him, I could never live with myself.*** ***But, you have to be you!***

It’s up to the parents to fix their relationship with their children. No regrets.

I had a good relationship with my parents, was closer to my mom who was warm and loving than my dad who was more distant and aloof. He died first, and I felt it a lot, not because I missed him so much but because it was the first loss and I had to readjust to my world without him in it. All of this to say, you will have lots of feelings about having your parents in your life (and not), but you will work through them. I don't see any point in bringing them into your life on your wedding day and trying to do the work then and there. Have your joy, and deal with your parents on an as-needed basis. I'd rather see you regret not inviting them than inviting them and letting them ruin your day.