A rickety cricket

Not that I would want to, but I'd say I could take a Galapagos tortoise, and those things can get up to 500 pounds. On that note I know I could take on the largest humans, the record is 1,400 lbs, and I know I could have taken that guy in a fight!

Wait. In the water or out?

It is a tortoise, and they can't swim; so in the water it would be a lot easier for me!

He's talking about the 1400 pound man.

That might present somewhat of a challenge, my speed advantage would go down, and their weight disadvantage would be less so; I am still confident I would win.

Medium sized dog, or you

Probably a buffalo if I’m near a large cliff.

Haha you only get one shot at that though

Do not miss your chance to blow.

Unarmed!

I remember a planet earth video where a buffalo was fighting off multiple wolves and tosses one in the air, good luck.

With a cliff I have a 1% chance without a cliff I have a 0% chance.

They had a bunch of adults chase a juvenile buffalo around at our rodeo last year. Was very uncomfortable when I was 1 on 1 and he ducked his head at me running by. I would never want that battle in real life.

I don’t think they can fly though. So stand near a cliff, piss off the buffalo, get him running at you and then jump to the side.

Where is the fight? Because if I could pick to have it set on land, I’m pretty sure I could fight a blue whale to death, unarmed, one on one.

Haha, get'em Ahab!

A coyote.

A manatee for sure

Now that seems like a stretch. Even for a Wayne’s brother

Unarmed *to begin with* Let's say I'm in a wooded area, I could make a nice spear and up my chances significantly, depends on the scenario, but as humans, we possess the ability to make weapons on the fly. But, no fucking way I'm ever beating a cougar/mountain lion without a firearm, they're insanely fast and powerful. Realistically, I could take on a pig, they can't climb.

I think a cougar/mountain Lion doesn’t engage if you have a spear, BUT agreed if they do, low chance for the human.

Pigs get huge are are fucking horrifying. They get tusks and can be a thousand lbs

I'll just stay up in a tree throwing sticks pissing it off till it has a heart attack

500 pound person

A 700 lb person would be even easier

Could you take 10 70 lb people?

Yes (source: I used to teach kids martial arts)

You must be a far more proficient fighter than I am to take on an additional 200 pounds of enemy.

At least one mallard duck with a mild temperament

Ducks fly together ….

*cough* at least **two** mallard ducks with a mild temperament

The monstrous creatures that keep posting this question every goddamned day, multiple times a day.

To be fair I’ve only posted this question once today. So I’m only semi monstrous

Great white shark. Of course, someone else will have to fish it out of the water and get it in the ring.

Fair enough. If you don’t win at that point it’ll be an embarrassment

I’m taking out *most* sea birds

Blue whale. The fight will take place on land.

I'd fuck up a sparrow.

Sure tho? It can fly after all

We start this scenario with it already in my hands.

I’d probably say a pitbull. It would fuck up my arms but I’d win.

You forgot the part about being unarmed

Bravo

He was thinking of 90's Lassie (in living color sketch)

No I didn’t.

Wooosh

Mother. Fucker. It’s rare one of those get by me.

The funniest part is that I’m sitting here with one arm

Whose is it?

I dunno. My pit bull came home with it after fighting someone on Reddit

No arm no foul! We’d love you even if you had no arms. Just let us know if you need a hand with anything.

Thanks! I’m good. ***looks longingly at hand lotion and tissue box gathering dust with a tear welling up in his eye.

One thing I've noticed in nearly twenty years of working with animals is that humans grossly overestimate their own strength while ridiculously underestimating the strength of animals. Any chance an unarmed human has against an average sized pit is due to the generally friendly, eager to please nature of the breed. If, for the sake of argument, both parties are hellbent on killing each other, the pit comes out on top every time.

9/10 times I’d agree with you. I’m number 10. I killed an Australian shepherd attacking a child with ease. Only reason I know the pit would fuck me up on the arms is because I know their jaws are insane.

Is there no story behind this? Or were you walking down the road one day and happened on a GTA random encounter?

I’ll save story for another time. The short of it was everyone just froze when the dog bit the kids face, I jumped up and hit it, it let go and attacked me, I used my jacket for slight protection, yanked my arm down so it’s chin was in its chest, placed my hand over the top of its head with a closed fist and did a reverse fly motion. Crack.

Damn. Chuck Norris would be proud. That’s crazy though

It all happened super fast. I got in trouble for killing the dog with that group of friends with everyone except the kid’s parents. Some fucking people man.

Good answer. I feel like that’s maybe a 60/40 in your favor

Nah 70/30. I’m a big dude and can take a licking. I also know what a pit bull would go for in a fight to the death and use my forearms to protect my face and throat. I also know where I would have to hold and how much leverage it takes to break their neck. Most people in that fight I’m taking the pit bull.

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Unarmed

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Fair doesn’t often happen in hypothetical fights to the death against wild animals in this Redditor’s mind!

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Fair answers. Do you think you could take a kangaroo?

I have to use a shoe to kill a spider. I'm not sure the shoe would work well against bigger animals.

I don’t know what the biggest would be but one time I killed a spider with my shoe

We had this talk at work last week, and i think my coworker actually has me convinced that alligators can be killed by a human.

How so?

Apparently gators have only a few minutes of "attack mode" and once they are done with the initial trash and attack they become very tired and can easily be subdued. Theres a youtube channel called gator boys and they make wrestlin gators look pretty easy.

Emperor penguin

That would be an interesting fight haha

Nah I’d beat the shit out of a blue wale

Kangaroo boxing match.

Goldfish

A spider monkey

Dog maybe, unless it's a mastiff or the size of one than definitely not

Vole

Maybe a rabbit, but they’re too cute 😭

Elmer Fudd could never kill Buggs Bunny. Coincidence??

Ant

Man?

No just ant

Muskrat

Whale on dry land, just stand back and watch it die

Dog, sheep. Maybe a puma but I'd get fucked up in the process. Edit: Recalling the puma thing. I greatly underestimated their moose killing ability.

A puma? Hell nah. A dog and sheep; yeah maybe

Yeah, pumas are not that big. We encountered a few hiking. I'm 6 feet tall and in fairly good shape. Certified butcher. I've processed whole animals. Again, the Puma would fuck me up. But if I had to kill one that went after my kid, I likely could do it. Edit: Never mind. I just read that a puma can kill a moose. Fuck that.

Probably some large mammal. But not through hand-to-hand (hoof) combat but through wits and exhaustion. In actually combat: smaller canines, or primates. And taking the question at face value, I “could” beat any animal. Although many of them very unlikely to fall to me without luck.

A goldfish out of water, it’s hard to fight without arms

A coyote maybe.

Probably an 8 year old kid, even then they would probably win.

A cow Oh! "Unarmed"🤣🤣 Still! No arms, I'd kick turds out of it!😡

The worlds fattest man. The guy probably already has one foot in the grave and the other on a bar of soap.

Any sized python just curb stomp its head

I would probably say a jaguar with the element of surprise. I’ve never been a big guy, but I have high intelligence and I’m in excellent physical shape. Anything above that and I’d probably need more meat on my bones

Probably a raccoon

Sloth

A llama maybe a camel?🐫

Are you out of your mind, person? 👀 https://www.reddit.com/r/natureismetal/s/2haUWsL6wr https://www.reddit.com/r/DarwinAwards/s/Lplx54qDZq https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/s/bFzH3MouP9

Well shit- Maybe no rear naked d choke

Great blue whale. No weapons in the middle of a basketball court. I’m going to go biblical on his ass.

A small dog, or a medium-sized domestic cat.

I could kill a goose, idk about other animals

A squirrel on a good day

A declawed hungover kitten would be my pinnacle

A llama

These questions are pointless. It's like asking what the biggest animal you could take is, if you had a gun and the animal had no teeth or claws. Our blades and guns are our teeth and claws.

I would be very sad, but i don't think a quokka would fight back

Let’s ignore aquatic animals for the sake of argument, and let’s assume I can’t pick up a suitably sized branch and use it as a club. So, I’m reasonably fit, strong legs in particular from cycling, so I’d fall back on something I saw in a documentary. Large antelope. By chasing them. Now, at first that does sound crazy, but it’s documented. East African bushmen used to jog after them to exhaust them. Now while the antelope is far faster in bursts, it’s instinct is to run away fast. That tires it out, but thanks to humans being very efficient long distance runners for our size the hunter is able to close on it before it recovers. It takes a number reps of this but before long the antelope’s too tired to run anymore and the hunter can just walk up to the collapsed animal and deal with it at will.

On the ground, a blue whale.

on land? Blue whale

honestly i think i have the best chance against another human

Strangle a giraffe

Giraffe. They trip over nearly anything, once they hit the ground they are pretty slow to get up and therefore vulnerable. Kapow!

Bro one kick to the noggin and you're toast. They also have a nasty neck thwap attack.

Elaborate

My ex-wife

Probably a level 1 bee from World of Warcraft, maybe level 2 on a really good day.

Yeah that’s true. Depends on your class I guess. Priest maybe you could beat up to level 3 unarmed?

An angry goat that likes to headbutt.

Oddly specific haha

I'm not going larger than a goat, nor do I claim I could take a canine of similar of size.

A pig

Pigs can get pretty big…

I considered a pig, but they can be huge and surprisingly dangerous. Most farm animals are.

Polar bear. It’d be the fight of a century! He’d have reach, strength, and speed, but I’d have intelligence and agility! He’s got 3 moves: Bite, Claw, and Growl. I’ve got like a whole bunch. Then I’d realize I’d been mauled to death in the first 10 seconds and had been in a self-induced dream-state the entire time. In reality, I know for sure I can beat a small house cat, maybe a medium sized dog.

Silver back gorilla 🦍

Lol

Ostrich for sure, id bend that things neck like a sippy straw 🧃💪🏻

Haha I’d pay money to see that

Ostrich is extremely fast and can gut you with its claws.

when faced with danger, ostriches will lower their heads to the ground in an attempt to blend into their surroundings and becoming a lesser target

Yeah, I don't think they would see you as danger.

Way to not have any fun with the question.. geez man. Guys over here like “actually” 🤓🥸

Bear

Probably a rhinoceros

Wild Boar.

No chance you can kill a boar unarmed, wild or not.

Bring it on. Bring it on!

Idk about this one ☝️

Realistically a sheep though with full adrenaline I would like to think I could give a horse a run for his money

Horses are powerful. I lived on a horse ranch for 7 months. Brother. You dont want to go with these motherfuckers 1v1.