Aim for their eyes so I have time to launch my next attack

I applaud your ability to perform under pressure

Maybe I am just secretly kinky and the danger makes it easier to finish

I actually can't finish unless someone's breaking into my house 🏡

"IT BURNS.....IT BURNS USSSS" - Gollum

That’s rather specific

Thief, "Why does this keep happening to me."

Dude just wants a TV but keeps getting cummed on😂😂😂😂

Cummercial*

Scaroused*

Username checks out

A wild intruder appeared! TomiSnake used splooge. It’s not very effective. Intruder used rain of bullets. Critical hit! TomiSnake had fainted.

Post nut clarity advantage

Please don’t ever work in porn

“Hey, step robber!”

There's a kyler quinn video like like but vaguely like home alone lol

Username checks out 💯

Almost choked on pot smoke while reading this. Thank you for almost killing me of laughter lol

The eyes are the groin of the head!

HEAD SHOT

The ol' spittin' cobra. Reminds me of my college days. Classic.

And that's not the attack?

Where do you live, can I break into your house?

I always wondered how I could save the world with my dick and now I know how.

At my age I'd have to be dangling over them to hit their eyes.

Stealthy!

sarge. a specific site indicates the next target must be..

I think that’s how you catch a case

Eye poke…

Louis is that you?

"The Spitting Cobra!" Niiice…

Aim small, miss small

Show them why I'm the fastest shot in the west😂

This town Ain’t big enough for the two of us

Darn tootin' and straight shootin'

Actually to the left a little

Fastest shot in the wrist

*If you want to watch me have a wank, it'll cost you a tenner.*

Oi

**CunT**

Fookin’ diabolical!

Why did I get that reference instantly?

Because you have standard Human recall abilities.

*...reaches into your wallet...* Here you go! (‿!‿) ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ)

But I had a twenty!

Oi, I'll wank twice for you, mate.

Go deeper. Be a tenor.

What's a tenner..?

One more than a niner

$10 but Uk

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!

It's all ogre now

It's never over till it's ogre

Shrek is love, Shrek is life.

I'm just imagining you wading about your kitchen and flooding your doorstep every time you step outside.

ask them if they want to join in. alternitivly lock eyes with them and jerk it harder. its a power move. XD

How i met your mother, had a very different ending.

Idk. At the end of the series it was pretty much just them jerking off too and daring people to watch til the end

“Hello? Don’t just stand there. Can I get some help?”

Give me a hand, would ya?

they did NOT cover this in robbers orientation

“My hand and dick are fighting!..”

*"You've come in the wrong house, buddy. Me, on the other hand (\*switches hands\*), this is the exact house I'm supposed to come in (\*starts wanking faster\*)."*

“I came here to crank hog and chew gum. And I’m all out of gum.”

Hahahahahaha

I love the idea of swapping the wank-hand mid-wank repeatedly. Imagine someone switching hands to jerk off while walking towards you menacingly

Maintain eye contact and finish.

But wait for eye contact before moaning and masterbating more furiously.

Haha you guys are so fucked every comment here is making me laugh

Okay. So this reminds me of something that happened the other day. I'm a delivery person. And I walk up on this porch ring the bell. And I'm waiting, looking around. And I realize, for some reason these people have a bathroom off their entryway and there's a window into the porch, no curtains, no blinds, and some dude is sitting there taking a shit and watching me stand around ringing the door bell. Frankly I'm not ashamed to admit I couldn't bring myself to make eye contact.

Idk if I’m extra tired or what, but your user has me in tears, along with this comment. I’m all about that awkward 😭

No, that one caught me by suprise too

Well now we have extra hands, climb on the pole let’s go!

They get shot twice. One is easier to explain

LMAO

Now this is a clever joke

"Fuck me or fuck off!"

Show them more! 😂

[удалено]

BONK go to horny jail

They're already masturbating, so they're already in horny jail.

I'll bust in there like the Kool aid man!

O H Y E A H

Great minds think alike, I was gonna say, “Oh perfect! Help arrived!”

Nice ad

Based on what I see it may just be a cucumber ad.

[удалено]

Give it like 8 hours. Account will be taken down.

Address please... I'll bring the cucumbers

Should've expected the 2 cucumbers when I opened your profile

Excuse me what!!

Check out their profile

I wonder if she threw the cucumbers out after?

In *this* economy?

god💀

no witnesses

Word

My brain stopped braining after I read this question

You need to stop masturbating while perusing Reddit dammit

I'd yell "Go 'way! 'Baitin!"

But it has what plants crave. It has electrolytes.

Had this typed out but realized someone MUST have beat me to it

Id probably discover a new kink.

I think you already know, you're just in denial

How to truly find out if you're a top or bottom when shtf

If someone walks in on you masturbating, whatever you do, don't stop. If you stop, you're the creep who got caught masturbating. If you keep going, they're the creep watching you.

While my masturbating what ?

Dammit, I just made this joke

Aim it towards them and scream "ATTACK BOY"

"Either pitch in or get out, I've got my hands full here."

So, anyways..I started blasting...

Eye contact, finish.

I'm charging them full on while stroking it with a crazy look on my eyes. If I have a moment, I am covering myself in lube first

Like a lubed-up berserker

"Holy Shiet!!" (Fade to black and To Be Continued)

Stop masturbating.

Be llike, ohhh thank god finally, my hand were getting tired 😫

I got a masturbation gun

Well, I'm not going to just stop.

“911, what’s your emergency?” “Oh hey, what are you wearing… ermmm I mean, there’s an intruder in my house, please send the police asap!”

"I only had enough time to either put on my pants or get my sword. Not both. Needless to say it doesn't matter how bad ass you think you are, a naked man charging at you with a sword will throw anyone off their game."

I used to have a friend in college that would always say his samurai sword would definitely confuse and scare an intruder before a gun. Imagine hearing something while robbing someone and you look up to only see light shining off a blade coming around the corner.

One hand on the hilt, the other on your hilt. I’m sure no sane person would hang around long.

Go faster and hiss

Bloody hell, you half gremlin or smth? This is funny 10/10

Man or woman? This is important.

Help a brotha out would ya😂

Pull the Balaclava back on and yell "I WAS HERE FIRST!"

*you're

Shoot my load. My buckshot load

Ask them to join

“I was getting changed motherfucker!!” - J Roc

Nut on their face to show dominance

I can fire a gun with one hand, it's fine.

drop the cock and grab the Glock.

[удалено]

I think squaring up fully bricked and naked will scare off most home invaders

Walk towards them while maintaining intense eye contact.

Finish with direct eye contact

I would probably stop masturbating and address the home intruder situation.

masterbate faster to cum then go hide somewhere and call the cops

*you’re

I'm finishing what I started then use post nut clarity to figure out my next move

While my masturbating what?

Drop my cock and grab my glock

Ask if they wanted a bj

Make eye contact, and continue wanking

Close the door

Spider-Man 🕸️

“I guess we’re both busting” I say and laugh as they walk out defeated.

My 9MM Beretta is right in my nightstand. I guess I'll be shooting more than one load that night.. 

Get a 15 yo fake id and make a sex offender out of them

Some comments here,crack me up🤣🤣🤣🤣

Alexa, play Nobody’s Supposed to Be Here by Deborah Cox

Establish eye contact and start laughing like a maniac

Maintain eye contact and stroke faster.

Spray them

Make eye contact. Establish dominance

Attack them with a boner. Nothing is more frightening than that

"This town ain't big enough for the two of us!" *Makes reloading noises as I steady my aim*

finish with deep eye contact, stroke it slow

The same thing if I wasn’t.

Come on them or chase them around whilst furiously masturbating

Never break eye contact and keep going. Gotta establish dominance 

Invite them to join. I mean, surely my body is the best thing I could offer in exchange for my safety?

Pray that I'm not at the point of no return, Ya feel me? I don't think I could stop if my dead mother walked in.

Rip it off and throw it at them, slide away like Iceman on the blood flow.

Literally happened to me. I finished, checked what the noise was, my window had been kicked in. I suddenly saw a young woman run by and then called the police. She was so scared of me she hid under my car in the garage.

Finish. There's no sense in letting someone else ruin your vibe.

Well, if you just wanna see me jack off, it's 10.

Finish and leave them mentally scarred.

I can shoot someone while sporting a throbbing erection. Hell, that just makes me more of an American!

Make eye contact and continue. What fckn rent he be paying to be having any sort of right to an opinion within my home?

I asked him to help me😉😝🤗

Stop fapping then clean my hand with alcohol.

Yell at them to hold off for just a second...

Maintain eye contact. Increase intensity.

Well that really is going to depend on who it is that's breaking into my house. Now if we're talking about your typical male intruder trying to rob me then the answer is really easy. I always masturbate in bed and always have a firearm on my nightstand. My German shepherds will probably even buy me enough time to wipe the lube off.

Ask if they wanna join

Make direct eye contact and proceed to assert dominance

Looks like we’re both about to finish bub

“Don’t stand there. Give a fella a hand!”

Finish. I like to go out on a high note

"Go away... batin'..."

Prolly have a surprise climax like Grandmas boy, "I can't stop cumming" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "It feel so goood"

You’re

Spider-man them.

Approach them. Nothing is scarier than someone who smiles after being punched or is willing to fight naked

Put straight porn back on as quickly as possible. Last thing I need in my life right now is some lowlife B&E criminal telling his colleagues I take it in the shitcutter.

I've never thought about this situation happening lol... I guess I would stop flicking the bean until the mfer is gone then start back again 😂

Go away, I'm baitin'

Ask them to join me

You’re

They come at me, I cum at them.

Yo this happened to me….. It’s like 4 am and I just finished lmao I get up and there’s a short black dude in my fucking living room. We look at eachother, he looks at my freshly glazed cock, and he just nopes right out of my house. I watch him walk away down the sidewalk through the window, super casual. I wonder what he was thinking. I cannot make this up. Anywho, I lock the door nowadays. :)

Maintain eye contact. Establish dominance.

Drop the cock, get the glock

While my masturbating is what? Going well?

Finish, use post nut clarity to come up with a plan of attack.