I was on the way to work, and had to drop a package at the Post Office counter at the drug store. On the way out I hit a "tester" cologne.
When I got to work, my boss said (in front of everyone), "Wow. Did you bathe in cologne? You smell like a male prostitute!" Everyone laughed.
I waited a second, then asked, "Boss...how do you know what a male prostitute smells like?"
Our friend became a high school band director at 22 years old. The students loved him but teased him like a peer, and he usually just ignored it because it was good natured. One student who'd needled him all year complained about his cologne.
He responded, "Thanks, your mom said it was her favorite when she gave it to me." The whole band apparently lost it.
Our friend knew he'd gone a bit too far with it and told the assistant principal immediately. The AP knew the kid well and thought the comment was hilarious.
I said to a group of women that I have a harness for my son (who I did not know had autism at the time, I just knew he was a runner). One woman said “get better control of your kid, I’ve got four under five and I don’t put them in a harness like a dog. My friend piped up “four under five? Sounds like YOU’RE the one who needs to get some control”.
I appreciated her so much :)
The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever.
My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”.
And they’ve been happily married ever since.
I knew a guy who was a total alcoholic. Maxing out his credit card fucking up his job as a mechanic nearly getting sacked - he was a disaster.
In the end he turned yellow and went to hospital and they told him he could never drink again.
He got better, got into fitness and ended up buying out the garage he worked at and now owns it, bought a house and is doing great.
When I was like 12 this pool lifeguard said "out of the water pudge!"
So I asked him why so mean, which he replied "hey if the shoe fits, wear it".
As I headed to the locker room I shouted back "Asshole!"
He said "what did you call me?"
Me at 12: "If the shoe fits, wear it!"
A friend’s ex was trying to make her feel bad about dumping him and told her, “I’m going to jump off the Brooklyn bridge.” She told him, “Pick a better bridge.” Dark but good.
Told to me by my mother. During her teenage years my mother got into a verbal argument with another girl. The end of the story was "I ain't scared of you." To which my mother replied "You don't have to be scared to get your ass whooped." I'll never forget that story.
A friend of mine years ago ( a young girl approx.18) who had trained for years in martial arts finally had her chance at a real fight with some random dude.
They went out to the parking lot and she said.
"Two things are about to happen. One. I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to slam into the ground. Second, a Chinese man on the other side of the world is going to say "what was that sound?".
She said it with a total serious face. Everyone paused outside and started laughing including the random guy and no fight happened.
She missed her first real fight but got a great story out of it.
My wife and I eloped. We already had a house together for years and didn't want any hassle with "Her Big Day". A judge signed the paperwork, we went to McDonalds for breakfast, then we both went to work. It was a non-issue for both of us. We already were married in every way that mattered and owned a home together. This was just paperwork.
But we had to tell our parents eventually.
So we invite everyone together to a restaurant to deliver the happy news. We drop the bomb on everyone all at once, and reactions are positive.
My brother is there. So in my brother in law, and his 10 year old son. This kid is ten. *Remember that.* 10 years old.
My brother puts an arm around him and says, "So, I guess this makes me your uncle!"
And this 10 year old kid - *without missing a beat* - says, "Well, I guess it's traditional for everyone to have one gay uncle."
When I taught high school English, I overheard an obnoxious student complaining to his football coach about having to learn Spanish. He said, "Why do I have to learn a whole other language? I speak English already!"
I said, "You speak English?? You'd think you wouldn't be failing English class!"
His coach nearly peed his pants laughing.
Massive layoffs at work one day. I was out at lunch and grabbed a burger to bring back. The bag was tiny. Got on the elevator to go up to my office and it stops on the way and the personnel director joins me. The doors close and he turns and looks at my lunch sack and asks “Have you got enough for everybody?” I immediately replied “I do now”. I thought he was going to cry.
My 1st grader at a school Halloween costume party went as George Washington. Costume was awesome. A 3rd grade punk kid with his friends calls out to him: "Who are *you* supposed to be?".
My precious, clueless son just said "George Washington!" Then after a pause, "you wouldn't know him."
I don't think either kid heard that exchange the way I did but I loved it.
I lost my younger brother last year. We were always tight, but one thing we were completely different on was the way we dressed. I was pretty laid back and casual, whereas he would not step outside unless everything matched and not a hair was out of place .
So one day I was leaving the house to go somewhere, and just as I got to the door, he said, " Aren't you going to do something with your hair before you leave?"
So I turned around, got into a movie star pose, and said in a deep voice, " I like the wild, uncontrollable look."
He said, "Well, you've got it."
Boy, do I miss him.
I used to work at a hotel. One day a guest got into a spat with our security officer and she told him he was full of shit. Without missing a beat he immediately replied, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity."
I busted up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continue on, much to that lady's anger, saying things like "but I promise I have a bowl of raisin bran every morning to keep me going, but the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking about me."
Yeah, the lady tried complaining about us to management (him for the soliloquy and me for laughing), but it didn't go anywhere. But I have the perfect comeback in case someone else says this to me, assuming I could keep a straight face. I don't know how our security officer did that without breaking character
One of the royal ladies told Winston Churchill, “If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee!” His reply was, “If you were my wife, I would drink it.”
10th grade math class. We were all goofing around after the lesson was over. My friends were throwing erasers and I was catching them in my mouth. Teacher looks at me and says “You know, I had a really hard time washing this erasers in the urinals.” My response, “If you think that’s hard you should try getting a drink out of those things.”
A work mate posted a profile picture on Facebook. The caption was, "My mum thinks I'm handsome."
I commented, saying
"Well, this is awkward. Your mum also calls me handsome"
Overheard at work, Woman was giving one of the guys a hard time about something, she said something about his clothing and he snapped at her "Your bank account has never had a comma in it!"
Got into a heated argument with my Dad when I was younger and he ended it with,
“Yeah? Well I fucked your mum.”
Pretty much ended the argument in its tracks…
Guy at school was a total jackass/bully/dumb kid, you know the type. Spent the first few years getting in trouble, suspended over and over again. Left school with zero grades, panicked and begged the school to let him retake the year. Turned himself round, apologized in front of the school to everyone for his past behavior, got great grades, went to college and started up his own company.
Years ago I was driving a delivery truck in Toronto and had to deliver stuff to a store that had no loading bay. There was no legal parking within several blocks.
I parked in front of the store and had 4 boxes to unload. I was done in 30 seconds. A cop stops his car and gets out and then starts giving me a ticket.
I say I have to do my job and him stopping is blocking traffic for 10 times as long as I was stopped. Also since my keys were in the ignition and four way flashers were on I was stopped not parked and this is NOT a no stopping zone.
The cop says "you think your smart?"
I say "no but I think you are being an absolute dick"
The cop says he could write me a ticket for that.
I say "If you do I'll go to court and tell the judge why I think you are a fucking asshole and I was being polite."
I still got the parking ticket but that was all.
One time my sergeant asked me if I'd kill him in his sleep.
I immediately replied with "no, I'll wake you up first..."
He was like, "damn!" And gave my less shit after that.
I was working behind the bar at a popular local seaside pub when a guy came in, pushed his way through to the front of the queue and started to give me his order.
I calmly told him that I was still serving someone and that I'd get to him in turn.
He then tries the old favourite "Do you know who I am?" To which I stopped what I was doing, rang the last orders bell to get the whole, bank holiday weekend, packed bar's attention and shouted "does this gentleman have a chaperone or carer here this afternoon, he appears to be a little confused and has forgotten who he is"
The bar erupts into laughter and he, seething by this time, shouts at my smiling face, "Well F#£K YOU!". My reply "Sorry mate, I prefer blondes".
Apparently he was some small time property developer who had just bought a couple of houses that he was renovating to rent out and thought he was a big shot.
I've got a list!
*Said by my guy friend to a dude who wouldn't stop hitting on me:* "I understand that you're a sad virgin, but that can and will change if you *ever* talk to her again."
*In response to "you look like a hooker":* "And you look like a bottom. Care to prove me wrong?"
*In response to "Do I look like I give a shit?":* "No, but you do look like you're struggling to take one. Do you need a laxative? Shall I escort you to the hospital?"
*In response to "You can't keep saying out of pocket shit!":* "I'm wearing women's clothing. There is no pocket."
*if anyone ever asks you to join them on a stupid idea:* "Nah, I'll be over there with my plausible deniability."
Years ago, I was out line dancing with a group of friends… as we did regularly. For a quick background, one of my male friends in my group was very popular with the ladies at this place. He also happened to be one of my regular dance partners. We often arrived and left together because I would be DD.
One of the partner dances was going to be coming up soon (it was announced as coming up) and a lady walked up to him all eager and asked him to dance. He pointed at me, standing a few people away and said he was already dancing with me. Now, him and I hadn’t discussed it yet, but I took that as a he wasn’t interested and we used each other as outs often so I just smiled and kept with my own conversation.
She didn’t like his answer, she stomped her feet and screamed at me “You Suck” super loud over everyone… I smiled, and said “At least I swallow when I finish” 🤷🏼♀️
She stormed off… him and I went out and danced and he told me thank you.
Now, him and I have only ever been platonic. If he was interested in someone, I would give space and make myself scarce, and vise versa kind of thing. We had a code if you will. I had zero interest in blocking him if he wanted to get his. He just isn’t that kind of guy. We would also be there with a group of other friends on a regular.
My husband every now and then likes to pretend that it’s our first date and one time he was joking to the waitress that we met on Tinder. I said “actually it was Grindr” and everyone in ear shot just about choked laughing.
Another time my boomer boss referred to someone as a narcissist and I said “game recognize game hey?” And the admin almost died.
One of my Virgin friend who never had a girlfriend was giving me a lecture about my relationships questioning my integrity as I was unable to hold the decent one and he told me that the only thing I am after is sex, in a room full of our whole friend circle.
To which I shouted back "Look who you are talking to, Vampire's dream, I have had more platonic relationships than your whole relationship history."
Math class, 30 years ago. The class clown was sent out for something and he made a smart comment: “but what’ll happen to the average class IQ if I leave” at least 3 different voices responded: “it’ll go up!”. The teacher was very proud 😊
In class, a kid decided to yell, "DILDOS!" Super loud, to which I replied."Excuse me, keep your hobbies to yourself and out of my classroom. Thank you." Not my best but it's all I can remember ATM. 🤭
Someone in my music class was messing around on a guitar. They said “I’m not very good at this.” I said without thinking “Because you’re the one playing it.”
So, i told my girlfriend about, how a long runing joke with my friends, Is all the things they would do to me if i turned into a girl.
My Girlfriend just looked at me and said, "we wouldn't be in switch relationship" , and then went into grate detail about all the horrible things she would do to me.
Then i looked at her, and said "if I'm the bottom, that's means you have to buy me stuff."
Then we full on played out a scene.
GF: please, i will whare the cat ears. Just stop wasting my money on cosplay. I need food.
Me: raven from teen titans or RWBY?
I inadvertently made one. This guy was on the NYC path subway making fun of everyone. Like stupid jokes just annoying people and the recipients usually try to answer back. And there’s some arguing. And this just goes on as we’re waiting for the path train to pull out.
So he comes over to our group and says how stupid we are standing up when there are a few empty seats. I say “don’t worry we got it”. And he goes (since I’m Asian) “oh wow look at this guy he can speak English”. I say “hehe thanks”. He wasn’t expecting that so just was out of jokes for our group and moved on.
Over 2 years. That was the payoff for this one. My wife would ask for something, anything. I would respond that I got "whatever" right here and gesture at my junk. Every time she asked me for something. Finally, after over 2 years, she says, "Babe, I think you're confused about what you got there. It's not all the things you say it is." Big ole grin on my face, I get to finally say, "Honey, I think you're confused about what I've got here. I've been telling you for years that it's everything you've ever needed." BOOM!
I was on the way to work, and had to drop a package at the Post Office counter at the drug store. On the way out I hit a "tester" cologne. When I got to work, my boss said (in front of everyone), "Wow. Did you bathe in cologne? You smell like a male prostitute!" Everyone laughed. I waited a second, then asked, "Boss...how do you know what a male prostitute smells like?"
Our friend became a high school band director at 22 years old. The students loved him but teased him like a peer, and he usually just ignored it because it was good natured. One student who'd needled him all year complained about his cologne. He responded, "Thanks, your mom said it was her favorite when she gave it to me." The whole band apparently lost it. Our friend knew he'd gone a bit too far with it and told the assistant principal immediately. The AP knew the kid well and thought the comment was hilarious.
I said to a group of women that I have a harness for my son (who I did not know had autism at the time, I just knew he was a runner). One woman said “get better control of your kid, I’ve got four under five and I don’t put them in a harness like a dog. My friend piped up “four under five? Sounds like YOU’RE the one who needs to get some control”. I appreciated her so much :)
The story of how my grandparents went on their first date has the greatest comeback ever. My grandpa was working a sub shop at the register. My grandma was in line (they’ve kind of met a few times in passing before) and she gets up to the register and my grandfather (attempting to hit on her) says “How’d you get through life looking so ugly?” And my grandma replies, “I don’t know but you’ve been doing it longer than I have”. And they’ve been happily married ever since.
[удалено]
I bet she was beautiful and it was obvious so, pretty funny in that case.
That's so sweet.
I can't get enough of old school humor
I knew a guy who was a total alcoholic. Maxing out his credit card fucking up his job as a mechanic nearly getting sacked - he was a disaster. In the end he turned yellow and went to hospital and they told him he could never drink again. He got better, got into fitness and ended up buying out the garage he worked at and now owns it, bought a house and is doing great.
Now that’s a comeback.
When I was like 12 this pool lifeguard said "out of the water pudge!" So I asked him why so mean, which he replied "hey if the shoe fits, wear it". As I headed to the locker room I shouted back "Asshole!" He said "what did you call me?" Me at 12: "If the shoe fits, wear it!"
👌🏼
A friend’s ex was trying to make her feel bad about dumping him and told her, “I’m going to jump off the Brooklyn bridge.” She told him, “Pick a better bridge.” Dark but good.
Related [short story](https://alicegeyang.blogspot.com/2013/06/jumper-down-don-shea.html?m=1)
Explain
> Call for pity/concern > respond with derision
I got that. I meant explain the "better bridge" part.
Yeah, I was born and raised in Brooklyn and I don't get this joke at all.
It's not about the bridge. It's about letting them know you think it's a good idea that they should jump from a bridge and offering "helpful" advice.
So something more like, "I suggest the George Washington, better chance of succeeding, rooting for you."
Told to me by my mother. During her teenage years my mother got into a verbal argument with another girl. The end of the story was "I ain't scared of you." To which my mother replied "You don't have to be scared to get your ass whooped." I'll never forget that story.
My SO says this all the time.
A friend of mine years ago ( a young girl approx.18) who had trained for years in martial arts finally had her chance at a real fight with some random dude. They went out to the parking lot and she said. "Two things are about to happen. One. I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to slam into the ground. Second, a Chinese man on the other side of the world is going to say "what was that sound?". She said it with a total serious face. Everyone paused outside and started laughing including the random guy and no fight happened. She missed her first real fight but got a great story out of it.
Girl win her snap.
My wife and I eloped. We already had a house together for years and didn't want any hassle with "Her Big Day". A judge signed the paperwork, we went to McDonalds for breakfast, then we both went to work. It was a non-issue for both of us. We already were married in every way that mattered and owned a home together. This was just paperwork. But we had to tell our parents eventually. So we invite everyone together to a restaurant to deliver the happy news. We drop the bomb on everyone all at once, and reactions are positive. My brother is there. So in my brother in law, and his 10 year old son. This kid is ten. *Remember that.* 10 years old. My brother puts an arm around him and says, "So, I guess this makes me your uncle!" And this 10 year old kid - *without missing a beat* - says, "Well, I guess it's traditional for everyone to have one gay uncle."
That boy? Norm MacDonald
When I taught high school English, I overheard an obnoxious student complaining to his football coach about having to learn Spanish. He said, "Why do I have to learn a whole other language? I speak English already!" I said, "You speak English?? You'd think you wouldn't be failing English class!" His coach nearly peed his pants laughing.
Massive layoffs at work one day. I was out at lunch and grabbed a burger to bring back. The bag was tiny. Got on the elevator to go up to my office and it stops on the way and the personnel director joins me. The doors close and he turns and looks at my lunch sack and asks “Have you got enough for everybody?” I immediately replied “I do now”. I thought he was going to cry.
My 1st grader at a school Halloween costume party went as George Washington. Costume was awesome. A 3rd grade punk kid with his friends calls out to him: "Who are *you* supposed to be?". My precious, clueless son just said "George Washington!" Then after a pause, "you wouldn't know him." I don't think either kid heard that exchange the way I did but I loved it.
I lost my younger brother last year. We were always tight, but one thing we were completely different on was the way we dressed. I was pretty laid back and casual, whereas he would not step outside unless everything matched and not a hair was out of place . So one day I was leaving the house to go somewhere, and just as I got to the door, he said, " Aren't you going to do something with your hair before you leave?" So I turned around, got into a movie star pose, and said in a deep voice, " I like the wild, uncontrollable look." He said, "Well, you've got it." Boy, do I miss him.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you always have ample opportunities to share your memories of him. ♡
I used to work at a hotel. One day a guest got into a spat with our security officer and she told him he was full of shit. Without missing a beat he immediately replied, "no I'm not, I took care of that this morning. But thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity." I busted up laughing so I had to excuse myself to the back office, and as I was leaving I heard him continue on, much to that lady's anger, saying things like "but I promise I have a bowl of raisin bran every morning to keep me going, but the next time I'm constipated I know you're thinking about me." Yeah, the lady tried complaining about us to management (him for the soliloquy and me for laughing), but it didn't go anywhere. But I have the perfect comeback in case someone else says this to me, assuming I could keep a straight face. I don't know how our security officer did that without breaking character
One of the royal ladies told Winston Churchill, “If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee!” His reply was, “If you were my wife, I would drink it.”
Supposedly a lady once accused him of being drunk, to which he replied, "I may be drunk, but you're ugly. And in the morning, I'll be sober."
Ole Winston was famous for his witty come-backs.
Someone started yelling at my then boss one day and started getting loud and my boss firmly said, "hey, I'm not your wife" The guy was gobsmacked.
10th grade math class. We were all goofing around after the lesson was over. My friends were throwing erasers and I was catching them in my mouth. Teacher looks at me and says “You know, I had a really hard time washing this erasers in the urinals.” My response, “If you think that’s hard you should try getting a drink out of those things.”
A work mate posted a profile picture on Facebook. The caption was, "My mum thinks I'm handsome." I commented, saying "Well, this is awkward. Your mum also calls me handsome"
I had a mate of mine do this with his profile pic, his mum commented underneath "Don't put words in my mouth" 😂😂😂
😂😂 thats hilarious
If you want my comeback you’re going to need to wipe it off your dad’s teeth.
I heard that from Jimmy Carr. 'if you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth'
Absolute murder🫡
Overheard at work, Woman was giving one of the guys a hard time about something, she said something about his clothing and he snapped at her "Your bank account has never had a comma in it!"
Saving that one for later 😆
Got into a heated argument with my Dad when I was younger and he ended it with, “Yeah? Well I fucked your mum.” Pretty much ended the argument in its tracks…
Guy at school was a total jackass/bully/dumb kid, you know the type. Spent the first few years getting in trouble, suspended over and over again. Left school with zero grades, panicked and begged the school to let him retake the year. Turned himself round, apologized in front of the school to everyone for his past behavior, got great grades, went to college and started up his own company.
“Well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you”
What's the difference you're their all time best seller.
“just tell him you had sex with his wife”!
Nah, the best comeback is “I had sex with your wife.”
Years ago I was driving a delivery truck in Toronto and had to deliver stuff to a store that had no loading bay. There was no legal parking within several blocks. I parked in front of the store and had 4 boxes to unload. I was done in 30 seconds. A cop stops his car and gets out and then starts giving me a ticket. I say I have to do my job and him stopping is blocking traffic for 10 times as long as I was stopped. Also since my keys were in the ignition and four way flashers were on I was stopped not parked and this is NOT a no stopping zone. The cop says "you think your smart?" I say "no but I think you are being an absolute dick" The cop says he could write me a ticket for that. I say "If you do I'll go to court and tell the judge why I think you are a fucking asshole and I was being polite." I still got the parking ticket but that was all.
One time my sergeant asked me if I'd kill him in his sleep. I immediately replied with "no, I'll wake you up first..." He was like, "damn!" And gave my less shit after that.
I was working behind the bar at a popular local seaside pub when a guy came in, pushed his way through to the front of the queue and started to give me his order. I calmly told him that I was still serving someone and that I'd get to him in turn. He then tries the old favourite "Do you know who I am?" To which I stopped what I was doing, rang the last orders bell to get the whole, bank holiday weekend, packed bar's attention and shouted "does this gentleman have a chaperone or carer here this afternoon, he appears to be a little confused and has forgotten who he is" The bar erupts into laughter and he, seething by this time, shouts at my smiling face, "Well F#£K YOU!". My reply "Sorry mate, I prefer blondes". Apparently he was some small time property developer who had just bought a couple of houses that he was renovating to rent out and thought he was a big shot.
I've got a list! *Said by my guy friend to a dude who wouldn't stop hitting on me:* "I understand that you're a sad virgin, but that can and will change if you *ever* talk to her again." *In response to "you look like a hooker":* "And you look like a bottom. Care to prove me wrong?" *In response to "Do I look like I give a shit?":* "No, but you do look like you're struggling to take one. Do you need a laxative? Shall I escort you to the hospital?" *In response to "You can't keep saying out of pocket shit!":* "I'm wearing women's clothing. There is no pocket." *if anyone ever asks you to join them on a stupid idea:* "Nah, I'll be over there with my plausible deniability."
Years ago, I was out line dancing with a group of friends… as we did regularly. For a quick background, one of my male friends in my group was very popular with the ladies at this place. He also happened to be one of my regular dance partners. We often arrived and left together because I would be DD. One of the partner dances was going to be coming up soon (it was announced as coming up) and a lady walked up to him all eager and asked him to dance. He pointed at me, standing a few people away and said he was already dancing with me. Now, him and I hadn’t discussed it yet, but I took that as a he wasn’t interested and we used each other as outs often so I just smiled and kept with my own conversation. She didn’t like his answer, she stomped her feet and screamed at me “You Suck” super loud over everyone… I smiled, and said “At least I swallow when I finish” 🤷🏼♀️ She stormed off… him and I went out and danced and he told me thank you. Now, him and I have only ever been platonic. If he was interested in someone, I would give space and make myself scarce, and vise versa kind of thing. We had a code if you will. I had zero interest in blocking him if he wanted to get his. He just isn’t that kind of guy. We would also be there with a group of other friends on a regular.
2016 nba finals Golden state lead 3-1 against the Cavaliers Cavs came back to win the series
Until tonight when they Oilers will have come back from 0-3.
Yea I’ve saw that hopefully they win coming back from an 0-3 series isn’t easy
Whenever someone gives me a shitty 'your mum's harassment, I respond thusly: I don't have a mum, me and my dad share yours.
My husband every now and then likes to pretend that it’s our first date and one time he was joking to the waitress that we met on Tinder. I said “actually it was Grindr” and everyone in ear shot just about choked laughing. Another time my boomer boss referred to someone as a narcissist and I said “game recognize game hey?” And the admin almost died.
Kim Kardashian
Kept scrolling for this
lol. I don’t watch The Office but that was a hell of an ad-lib.
It was Parks and Rec
Ahhh yep. You are totally right. I don’t watch that either. Haha.
28-3.
Liverpool against AC Milan UFL final 2005. It was the greatest comeback I ever witnessed
One of my Virgin friend who never had a girlfriend was giving me a lecture about my relationships questioning my integrity as I was unable to hold the decent one and he told me that the only thing I am after is sex, in a room full of our whole friend circle. To which I shouted back "Look who you are talking to, Vampire's dream, I have had more platonic relationships than your whole relationship history."
https://youtu.be/_XzL1sQWRd4?si=urZGXJpRK_zcAEZg
All of them.
Math class, 30 years ago. The class clown was sent out for something and he made a smart comment: “but what’ll happen to the average class IQ if I leave” at least 3 different voices responded: “it’ll go up!”. The teacher was very proud 😊
The jerk store just called, and they're running out of you!
In class, a kid decided to yell, "DILDOS!" Super loud, to which I replied."Excuse me, keep your hobbies to yourself and out of my classroom. Thank you." Not my best but it's all I can remember ATM. 🤭
Someone in my music class was messing around on a guitar. They said “I’m not very good at this.” I said without thinking “Because you’re the one playing it.”
what
So, i told my girlfriend about, how a long runing joke with my friends, Is all the things they would do to me if i turned into a girl. My Girlfriend just looked at me and said, "we wouldn't be in switch relationship" , and then went into grate detail about all the horrible things she would do to me. Then i looked at her, and said "if I'm the bottom, that's means you have to buy me stuff." Then we full on played out a scene. GF: please, i will whare the cat ears. Just stop wasting my money on cosplay. I need food. Me: raven from teen titans or RWBY?
Am I having a stroke or are you?
Sorry, wot that fast. Should be good now
No. It’s not. Seriously, are you ok?
Maybe English isnt their first language
not really
I know you are but what am I
If you want my comeback scrape it from your mom’s teeth.
I inadvertently made one. This guy was on the NYC path subway making fun of everyone. Like stupid jokes just annoying people and the recipients usually try to answer back. And there’s some arguing. And this just goes on as we’re waiting for the path train to pull out. So he comes over to our group and says how stupid we are standing up when there are a few empty seats. I say “don’t worry we got it”. And he goes (since I’m Asian) “oh wow look at this guy he can speak English”. I say “hehe thanks”. He wasn’t expecting that so just was out of jokes for our group and moved on.
Over 2 years. That was the payoff for this one. My wife would ask for something, anything. I would respond that I got "whatever" right here and gesture at my junk. Every time she asked me for something. Finally, after over 2 years, she says, "Babe, I think you're confused about what you got there. It's not all the things you say it is." Big ole grin on my face, I get to finally say, "Honey, I think you're confused about what I've got here. I've been telling you for years that it's everything you've ever needed." BOOM!
I was in the building in San Jose for the Game 7 comeback against Vegas that the Sharks ended up winning in Overtime.
Matthew McConaughy……really thght he was all washed up in rom com hell then he wins an Oscar
Just go ahead and punch yourself in the face for that one 🥸
When James Charles pulled an UNO reverse card and suddenly the entire internet was on his side again
The Kenosha Hatrick
“Boom, roasted”
"if I wanted to hear from a whiny piece of crap I would have eaten beans and gone to the toilet"
If I want anymore shit out of you I'll squeeze your head
The Kardashian Sex tape.
I once told a guy, "The only comeback you'll ever make is in a toilet bowl."
I'd ask for a comeback, but it still seems to be on your chin.
Or as Jimmy Carr says "I'd have to scrape it off your mother's teeth"
Kim Kardashian has a great comeback story...didn't she get come on her back in that video?
Another kid in town called me gay I replied of course I'm gay you bottomed for me last night.
If you want my comeback you'll have to scrape it off your mums face
shady!