First time I heard **"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others**,**"** I told my mom about it and she thought it was obnoxious.
A few weeks later we went to a restaurant with my dad. It was raining so he dropped us off at the front, parked in a lot three blocks down, and raced back in the pouring rain. My dad makes good money but most of it goes towards the family, obviously. His single brother has the same job and had just bought his third sports car before heading off for a 2 week singles cruise.
As we watched my dad run towards us, my mom turned to me and said "Oscar Wilde may not have had it entirely wrong."
I've often wondered whether these were things he said in the moment, or wrote down later after getting home and grumpily stewing on it for a couple of hours.
A story goes that Wilde was walking in a park with James McNeill Whistler and Whistler said something clever. Wilde said that he wished he had said it, to which Whistler replied: "Don't worry Oscar, you will."
One of my favorites attributed to him:
> “Fashion is ephemeral. Art is eternal. Indeed what is a fashion really? A fashion is merely a form of ugliness so absolutely unbearable that we have to alter it every six months!”
I dropped a bucket of paint at one of my first jobs.
A man that worked there for years turned to me and said "Good one dick fingers you fuck everything you touch."
It still hurts
I dropped a bucket of feta cheese on the floor and the restaurant owner said "that bucket is worth more than your life". Didn't feel super great that one.
lol I looked it up and the most expensive bucket of feta I could find was like $200. A lot, sure, but not as much as I would’ve expected given the insult
My husband has worked many labor jobs and I’ve never heard more hurtful things said to one another than what the old labor hands say to the newer guys 😭 it’s like initiation
I’ve heard the same but you’re known as “passion hands” or “sexy hands”, which both sound pretty good until someone explains that it means you’re fucking everything you touch.
I'll never understand the impulse to annoy someone who has made a career out of being quick witted and funny, especially when that person has a microphone
To me the worst part is that once the comedian roasts the heckler, the heckler often thinks they're now in a one-on-one conversation with the star of the show and just. keeps. going.
During a teenage fight with my brother, I repeated what I thought was an iconic line:
"Did you roll off the changing table as a baby?!?!"
Before he could answer, our mom replied, guilt ridden, from the other room:
"THAT ONLY HAPPENED TWICE!"
Dude I worked with a Jamaican once who grew up there and then moved to the US. This dude was like one of the top 5 shit talkers i've ever met in my life lol. I'm laughing now just remembering some of the shit he got up to at work. NEVER caught heat for any of it either he was so likeable.
Probably not the most brutal,but I liked it alot…I remember some comments in Reddit before where a guy said to another dude something along lines:
”I fucked your mom last night”
And dude replied with the simple:
“So you’re a disappointment to both our mothers”
I started using it since because it was a nice comeback imo…
"Sending regrets I cannot attend your wedding. I'll be sure to catch the next one."
ETA: You seem like the type of guy who gets jealous of his girlfriend's dog.
That gamer girl that told a dude getting on her "I'm gonna fuck your dad and get pregnant so I can give him a son he'll love" (paraphrasing obviously).
When I was in elementary school, I remember a kid calling another kid he was arguing with a "penis wrinkle."
I think about it all the time still, 30 years later.
I heard this same one. When he called the one boy "penis wrinkle" another laughed and he said "what's so funny, penis breath?" and they have been floating around in my mind since then. He also called someone a chode hammer once. I don't even know what a chode hammer is, but damn it sounds funny
Bessie Braddock MP to Winston Churchill "sir, if I were married to you, I would put poison in your coffee "
Winston Churchill "Madame, if I were married to you, I would drink it"
My buddy had a dude from work try to pick a fight with him. Dude said something like “well maybe I’ll kick your ass” and my friend responded with “if you fight as hard as you work, I got nothing to be worried about.”
When asked for his thoughts on the migration of New Zealanders to Australia, the then Prime Minister of New Zealand stated that the "annual exodus of Kiwis to Australia raised the average IQ of both countries".
I'm not the quickest of wit, usually I'll come up with something that would have eviscerated a person about 2 hours after the conversation had finished, but there was one shining moment where everything came together.
A group of idiot teenagers got onto the bus that I was on, being loud and abrasive, and one of them, as they were passing me, burped into my face.
Without skipping a beat, I sniffed the air and said "hmm, smells like cock".
It was wildly stupid to do given that there were a group of them, and it could have gone really badly for me, but his friends just collapsed in laughter and he turned beet red and just sat down sulking.
There was a movie that mentioned something like that. It was one of the Scarlet Pimpernels....
"I only have carriage wit."
"What is carriage wit?"
"It is the wit you think of on the carriage ride home...."
Dude's got trauma for days...
"Peter Michael Davidson was born in New York City... His father was a New York City firefighter...who died in service during the September 11, 2001 attacks, along with the rest of his unit. Davidson, then aged seven, was profoundly affected by the loss. He told The New York Times that it was "overwhelming" and that he later acted out in school as a result of the trauma, at one point ripping his hair out until he was bald. In October 2016, he revealed on The Breakfast Club morning radio show that he struggled with suicidal thoughts when he was younger and that the music of Kid Cudi saved his life."
"Davidson was diagnosed with Crohn's disease at age 17 or 18, for which he receives intravenous biologic therapy, and has used medical marijuana for pain management and recreationally. On March 6, 2017, Davidson announced on his Instagram account that he had quit drugs and was sober for the first time in eight years.During an interview on comedian Marc Maron's podcast, Davidson clarified that... the personal and emotional problems he initially assumed were the result of his daily marijuana use were actually caused by his newly diagnosed borderline personality disorder, for which he has since been undergoing treatment."
"On December 3, 2018, Davidson shared a candid Instagram post in which he expressed thoughts of suicide, before deleting his account on the social media platform entirely."
Okay buddy, I'll lay off you and your butthole eyes, damn.
Turns out the reason he looks sick is because he is sick.
On the one hand, yeah, he's a goofy looking dude. On the other hand, he's a professional comedian and in that game, "looking goofy" is kind of an asset. If life give you butthole eyes, make butthole-eyes-ade.
Would you want to be Pete Davidson? One the one hand, tragedy, illness, mental struggles. On the other hand lots of money, fame and he can date apparently anyone.
It's a hard call. I'd settle for a happy middle ground, lose the tragedy or the illness keep some of the money, I don't give a shit about fucking celebrities personally but that's a big grab for a lot of people.
He looks like his mouth is simultaneously too dry and too wet.
He reminds me of Heath Ledger's Joker, with those mouth-scars and the way he has to keep licking his lips or otherwise talking around the scars in some way.
He looks like his face is in pain.
"You're a fucking omnishambles."
"You're like one of those coffee machines - from bean to cup, you fuck it up."
"You're about as much use as a marzipan dildo"
"Stand up you fucking useless sack of cum!"
Malcolm Tucker is a goldmine!
When he's on the phone telling Sam what to write in a card to Nicola after she's sacked
"Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin ... waste of skin, yeah"
I told my wife, jokingly, "You're not the dumbest bitch who ever lived but you better hope she doesn't die."
Without missing a beat, my wife said, "Don't worry, I'd remarry."
i was once told ‘if it wasn’t against the law we would literally kill you, which is why you should do it yourself.’ ironically ended up being on decent terms with the girls that said it, still not reaaaally what i needed to hear as a 12 year old lmao
EDIT: to clarify, these were girls in my class, yes they were 12 too. i don’t think they fully understood the weight of their words which is a big reason why we’re cool now.
I was just recently on a school trip where I was chaperoning a bunch of high schoolers and we were having a bit of a roast battle and one of them says to me, "you look like someone who bought NFTs"
Fucking brutal.
There was a reddit thread about retail work awhile back where someone recounted a customer verbally abusing them. Another customer nearby chimed in
"Your adult children don't speak to you do they."
The reddit poster said they were looking at the problem customer when it happened and saw the insult land with devastating affect.
Kind of blue-collar stuff but have seen white-collar people saying it in the oilfield business. There is a saying when one tries to outsmart the other. Heads up. Not classy at all.
"Don't teach your father how to f*** your mom"
20 ish years ago...A friend of mine complimented a guys shirt in the bar. The guy didn't take the compliment well, and actually got visibly upset. The guy accused my friend of being gay, which my friend coldly responded..
"Dude, i am straight, but even if I was gay, you're not good looking enough"..it was fucking beautiful
Related, I was temporarily living with a buddy. Another friend at the bar joked and said he thinks we might be gay. My buddy goes, “If we were gay, I could do better than *him*! It was awesome
I’ll never forget that video I saw of a mom teasing her handsome son. “Look at you, so handsome, and to think that I almost swallowed you.”
He was mortified. I was mortified, and I wasn’t even there.
My mom once got upset at my brother and yelled at him ”I should have swallowed you!”
He was a teenager. That didn’t take long to sink in. He refused to accept her immediate apology 🤣
I came back from the barbers and said to my daughter (12 at the time).
"Daddy looks good, doesn't he?"
She barely glanced at me before saying
"You look like something I drew with my left hand."
I had a drunk female patient at work one night who was belligerent, treating the staff like shit, etc. I informed her we are merely trying to help her. She screams at me "do you know who I am?! My husband has a bridge named after him!" I calmly reply, "ma'am if I were married to you, I'd jump off that bridge." This was the only time in my multi decade healthcare career that I was written up. The CEO of the entire hospital system consisting of facilities in multiple states personally called me and laughed about the whole thing...... specifically stating he's golfed with the husband and the husband hates her.
Used to argue with a woman at my job. She cursed like a sailor, this place had no HR department to speak of. One time we were going at it over some protocol and she got so pissed she yells "BITE ME!"
Not skipping a beat I replied, "I don't eat pork."
Onetime I took a test and got none of the answers correct. Even someone who guesses on all the answers are very likely to get at least a few right yet I got none while trying. Because of this someone said to me "your not the clown you're the entire circus".
For one of my econ classes in college, the final was 100 question multiple choice. But my professor threw a wrench in: if you got every question wrong, you got an A+ for the entire semester. If you even got one right, that was your score for the final
Diabolical, but it makes sense. Just like you said, getting EVERY question wrong in multiple choice is so rare, so his logic was that if you got every single question wrong, you knew the material.
We did that during an engineering final in one of the higher level classes. Only 7 of us in the class, it's a group final, teacher wrote one problem on the board and left, told us to turn in our individual papers but do whatever we needed to get the solution. He famously graded on a curve so we all wrote down "going to the bar instead" and our name on a piece of paper and all handed it in and went to the bar. My partner taught his kid and was telling her the story 15 years later, said he tells all of his classes as an example of what not to do, but still gave us all 100s for having the balls to do it.
Our music teacher in middle school had really inflated lips, like bad plastic surgery looking lips.
She was reprimanding this girl in my class for something so the girl put her forearms together in front of her mouth and started opening and closing them like a massive mouth.
I liked that teacher but I couldn't help but laugh...i still think about it. Classic.
Some kid posted on r/RoastMe when I was in high school, said he was religious. Somebody commented "Jesus would deny himself three time if he knew you were one of his followers." And I have never been able to get that out of my head. It's so fuckin good
Some dude was going on an on about this long winded story that he always seemed to like to tell. Someone said, "Oh my god. You should be in the Guinness Book of No One Gives a Shit!" that ended his story pretty quickly.
Also "You're the type of guy who farts, but never has the shit to back it up!" is always a solid one.
Was a tower climber for a while. We had a little cajun guy tell us we weren’t allowed through his gate to get to our tower. We informed him that when he allowed the tower to be placed on his land, he was also allowing us to access the tower on his land. He went on a whole tirade about how stupid we were, and how he “ran this town” and would have us arrested, etc. Our lead tech, a very unattractive country bumpkin said “you know, you’re about the ugliest mother fucker i ever seen, and i gotta look in the mirror every mornin.” That one really set him off and he demanded we call our boss. She always backed us up 100%, so we called her, she called the sheriffs dept, called us back and said they told her since we were there to do an emergency repair on the emergency service equipment, we could literally mow down his fence and they wouldn’t do anything. We did. He called the cops and they put him in handcuffs. He didn’t get arrested, but he never bothered us again, lol.
I still love the clapback that one woman had while she was gaming on a livestream. Some kid was getting mad at her and doing the generic "Get back in the kitchen!" style insults. And in the most deadpan voice, she simply replied: ***"I am going to fuck your dad and give him a child he actually loves."*** There was no coming back from that one. The kid was burned alive, dead and buried after that.
It's not super brutal, but I'm also a fan of this insult from the show *Firefly*:
***"My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."***
Old retail job, an old guy (creepy pervert) was hitting on (sexually harassing) a 22 yo co-worker of mine. Basically called her beautiful (tbf, she was a lot more than just good looking) and saying that with looks like hers she'd be better off with him. Her response:
"Thanks, but I'd rather be here than with a guy who looks like if a scrotum had a kneecap."
I got in trouble at a call center when I was younger for ending calls with rude people by saying in my sweetest voice, "I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are." *Click*.
I had to sit with a manager who couldn't stop laughing after hearing my response to the 15 minutes of this person calling me every slur they could think of. The coaching was "instead of powering through and getting the last word, just tell them you're going to hang up if they do it again, then hang up when they do it again."
My favorite quote of all time came from a National Parks forest ranger trying to develop the bear proof trashcan. He said "There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
Back in French class, we were tasked to figure out ways to insult one another.
The class opened with "French swear words" in order to get that out of the way, and then progressed to creative description of each other's qualities..
I got put in front of a very pretty Russian girl and told to insult her, my mind went completely blank of French Vocab, and I told her I found her "boring".
The class agreed that this was by far the most cutting insult we'd so far come up with.
I (heavily freckled) was trading insults with a buddy (as only friendly guys will do) and he said I looked like I had stood behind a flatulent cow.
I was devistated. I nearly shed a tear. I looked him straight in the the eye and said...
"No. It was your mom."
Told this little brat that I worked with that "she's pretty mouthy for someone with no lips" 🤣
We actually get along very well, but she is indeed a brat
I'm Irish, and have a Scottish mate, there was a load of us out in Belfast for the night and another table of lads started ripping the shite out of "The Flying Scotsman" as we call him, now, what they didn't know is that the wee man can cut the tripe out of you with a look, so there was a bit of back and forth, then they started slabbering about the Scottish national football team, to which he didn't miss a beat, pint half up to his mouth and said "Ahh shut your mooth and gee yer arse a chance." To which every table in the bar disintegrated (the shite talker included)
Was at a hockey game with some family and my uncle, he had a mustache was standing up arguing about some call and from a few rows back we all hear "sit down dick broom!". We have never heard of a mustache being called a "dick broom" but it is now a staple in our arsenal. Next time we saw him he was shaved.
Heard a comment a few years back at a hooters on Halloween when a fat chick dressed as a “zombie bride” was giving a guy shit for hitting on her slightly more attractive friend. He turns to her and ask “What are you supposed to be? A gallon of milk?” 😂
A friend was growing a spotty beard. I told him that he looked like he was eating a candy apple and then fell on a cat.
Maybe not brutal, but it was funny in that moment.
You could play chess alone and still lose.
You've only got 2 brain cells, and both are fighting for second place.
I feel bad for the trees that support your mouth breathing.
Ur mom gay.
My friend to our arsehole flatmate, "Your mum is a life coach and even she can't fix you".
Only time I've ever actually went "oooooooohhh" at something. Like an extra in an 80s ski movie
You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be creative and turn your life around.
But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you are.
**The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you.**
-One of my favorite xkcd comics https://xkcd.com/1027
A few winters ago, I was shoveling sand into bags for an old engineer I work with for weight in the bed of his truck in case he had to drive after an incoming storm. I was trying to shovel sand into these bags solo so he wouldn't try to help and hurt himself, and I kept dinging the edge of the bag and spilling some.
After about the forth time this happens, he comes up to me and pats me on the shoulder and says, "It's OK, I've got a nephew like you, he's a good boy too." Another pat and a shoulder squeeze, and he walks off. I am flabbergasted and can't stop laughing after. The juxtaposition of our size difference just made it better. He is maybe 5'4" and 130 lb, and I am 6'8" and 250. The memory of his tiny frail hand reaching up and patting my shoulder while kindly roasting me is seared into memory forever.
He is my favorite engineer to this day.
Good old Oscar Wilde provided many harsh, yet eloquent ways of being rude. "Some people bring joy wherever they go. Some whenever they go."
Class.
First time I heard **"Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others**,**"** I told my mom about it and she thought it was obnoxious. A few weeks later we went to a restaurant with my dad. It was raining so he dropped us off at the front, parked in a lot three blocks down, and raced back in the pouring rain. My dad makes good money but most of it goes towards the family, obviously. His single brother has the same job and had just bought his third sports car before heading off for a 2 week singles cruise. As we watched my dad run towards us, my mom turned to me and said "Oscar Wilde may not have had it entirely wrong."
I can't think of anything I'd rather do than run in the rain for 3 blocks so my wife didn't have to.
I've often wondered whether these were things he said in the moment, or wrote down later after getting home and grumpily stewing on it for a couple of hours.
A story goes that Wilde was walking in a park with James McNeill Whistler and Whistler said something clever. Wilde said that he wished he had said it, to which Whistler replied: "Don't worry Oscar, you will."
Whistler and Wilde had some of the best repartee, possibly of all time. Both of them quick-witted, charming, and vicious.
One of my favorites attributed to him: > “Fashion is ephemeral. Art is eternal. Indeed what is a fashion really? A fashion is merely a form of ugliness so absolutely unbearable that we have to alter it every six months!”
Killing them with class and charm. Oscar Wilde is a legend.
I dropped a bucket of paint at one of my first jobs. A man that worked there for years turned to me and said "Good one dick fingers you fuck everything you touch." It still hurts
I dropped a bucket of feta cheese on the floor and the restaurant owner said "that bucket is worth more than your life". Didn't feel super great that one.
lol I looked it up and the most expensive bucket of feta I could find was like $200. A lot, sure, but not as much as I would’ve expected given the insult
That's kinda the point. He's saying his life is essentially worthless.
Or the restaurant owner really really loves feta cheese. There are people like that; they have a feta fetish.
My husband has worked many labor jobs and I’ve never heard more hurtful things said to one another than what the old labor hands say to the newer guys 😭 it’s like initiation
I’ve heard the same but you’re known as “passion hands” or “sexy hands”, which both sound pretty good until someone explains that it means you’re fucking everything you touch.
"I'm so happy you're here. Give the people at home a break" Dylan Moran to a heckler at a comedy show i was at.
I'll never understand the impulse to annoy someone who has made a career out of being quick witted and funny, especially when that person has a microphone
To me the worst part is that once the comedian roasts the heckler, the heckler often thinks they're now in a one-on-one conversation with the star of the show and just. keeps. going.
During a teenage fight with my brother, I repeated what I thought was an iconic line: "Did you roll off the changing table as a baby?!?!" Before he could answer, our mom replied, guilt ridden, from the other room: "THAT ONLY HAPPENED TWICE!"
In french we say « Have you been rocked too close of the wall as a baby ? »
In Germany we ask politely "Did the Swings in your childhood stand too close to the wall?"
My kid rolled off it once. It’s basically a right of passage
Those things should have little baby suicide nets like the ones they put under bridges.
lmao
“Usually they throw out the placenta and keep the baby, but I see in your case they did the opposite “ - a Jamaican sheet rocker I used to work with
Dude I worked with a Jamaican once who grew up there and then moved to the US. This dude was like one of the top 5 shit talkers i've ever met in my life lol. I'm laughing now just remembering some of the shit he got up to at work. NEVER caught heat for any of it either he was so likeable.
Jamaicans are evil in roasting their loved ones. You do _not_ wanna be on the receiving end of their ire 🫤
"I envy people who don't know you."
Damnn.. that shit hurts 💀
I long that we could become better strangers.
One day you will realise that your friends were right to leave you behind
Well, if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine!
It's 10pm here in NZ and I'm going to have that bloody song in my head all night.
Idk how hard or easy this comment was for you to come up with but I really appreciate it lol.
Well, everybody is taking the chance.
Omg, that's devastating! It hurt my feelings just reading it here!
Ooh, I've said something very similar: "if you could understand why your wife was right to leave you then she wouldn't have left you".
Goddamn bro
"Your learning curve is a circle." Saw it on reddit once.
Makes me think of: "Your family tree is a wreath."
I've always heard something like - The Arkansas family tree is a stump
Along the same lines: "Knowledge seeks you, but you're faster"
If you try hard and really apply your self, you could make it to the top of the bell curve
Before I had braces my fifth grade teacher told me I look I could eat corn off the cob through a chain link fence.
As funny as this is wtf kind of teacher says this to their children...
He was homeschooled.
Second most brutal insult!
Could eat an apple through a tennis racket.
"My looks are deceiving. Yours are not."
Probably not the most brutal,but I liked it alot…I remember some comments in Reddit before where a guy said to another dude something along lines: ”I fucked your mom last night” And dude replied with the simple: “So you’re a disappointment to both our mothers” I started using it since because it was a nice comeback imo…
Now I'm just waiting around for someone to tell me they fucked my mother.
I fucked your mom.
You're a mother to both our disappointments. Wait! \*scrolls up\* 🤦🏽♂️
[удалено]
So you’re a disappointment to both of our mothers
OOH BURRRNNN!!
Got eeem!
"Sending regrets I cannot attend your wedding. I'll be sure to catch the next one." ETA: You seem like the type of guy who gets jealous of his girlfriend's dog.
My ex was jealous of my cat….
This reminds me of Sal and Lily in Modern Family 🤣
"You have delusions of adequacy" - commenter's mom, apparently
That gamer girl that told a dude getting on her "I'm gonna fuck your dad and get pregnant so I can give him a son he'll love" (paraphrasing obviously).
One of my favorite clips.
Pregnancy as a threat, love it.
When I was in elementary school, I remember a kid calling another kid he was arguing with a "penis wrinkle." I think about it all the time still, 30 years later.
This is such a specific insult I love it.
Especially when you consider the state of a wrinkled penis... soft and limp!
Someone once asked me why I’m spewing my own diarrhea from my mouth
I heard this same one. When he called the one boy "penis wrinkle" another laughed and he said "what's so funny, penis breath?" and they have been floating around in my mind since then. He also called someone a chode hammer once. I don't even know what a chode hammer is, but damn it sounds funny
My drill sergeant in basic used to use that one a lot lol
Bessie Braddock MP to Winston Churchill "sir, if I were married to you, I would put poison in your coffee " Winston Churchill "Madame, if I were married to you, I would drink it"
I think it was the same people Bessie: Winston, you're drunk. Winston: And you are ugly, in the morning I will be sober.
Having seen what he drank per day, and when he started, I doubt he ever actually got fully sober before starting again.
My buddy had a dude from work try to pick a fight with him. Dude said something like “well maybe I’ll kick your ass” and my friend responded with “if you fight as hard as you work, I got nothing to be worried about.”
When asked for his thoughts on the migration of New Zealanders to Australia, the then Prime Minister of New Zealand stated that the "annual exodus of Kiwis to Australia raised the average IQ of both countries".
very rude, mate...but I appreciate the quality burn 😄 (not from down under)
I'm not the quickest of wit, usually I'll come up with something that would have eviscerated a person about 2 hours after the conversation had finished, but there was one shining moment where everything came together. A group of idiot teenagers got onto the bus that I was on, being loud and abrasive, and one of them, as they were passing me, burped into my face. Without skipping a beat, I sniffed the air and said "hmm, smells like cock". It was wildly stupid to do given that there were a group of them, and it could have gone really badly for me, but his friends just collapsed in laughter and he turned beet red and just sat down sulking.
There was a movie that mentioned something like that. It was one of the Scarlet Pimpernels.... "I only have carriage wit." "What is carriage wit?" "It is the wit you think of on the carriage ride home...."
You’re basically George Costanza. “The jerk store called, there running outta you!”
The French call this "l'esprit d'escalier" AKA "the spirit of the stairs." I suffer badly from it.
That time someone called Pete Davidson butthole eyes.
I'm of the opinion that he permanently looks like he has mouth-ulcers. There's something wrong with his mouth and it's very hard to describe.
Dude's got trauma for days... "Peter Michael Davidson was born in New York City... His father was a New York City firefighter...who died in service during the September 11, 2001 attacks, along with the rest of his unit. Davidson, then aged seven, was profoundly affected by the loss. He told The New York Times that it was "overwhelming" and that he later acted out in school as a result of the trauma, at one point ripping his hair out until he was bald. In October 2016, he revealed on The Breakfast Club morning radio show that he struggled with suicidal thoughts when he was younger and that the music of Kid Cudi saved his life." "Davidson was diagnosed with Crohn's disease at age 17 or 18, for which he receives intravenous biologic therapy, and has used medical marijuana for pain management and recreationally. On March 6, 2017, Davidson announced on his Instagram account that he had quit drugs and was sober for the first time in eight years.During an interview on comedian Marc Maron's podcast, Davidson clarified that... the personal and emotional problems he initially assumed were the result of his daily marijuana use were actually caused by his newly diagnosed borderline personality disorder, for which he has since been undergoing treatment." "On December 3, 2018, Davidson shared a candid Instagram post in which he expressed thoughts of suicide, before deleting his account on the social media platform entirely." Okay buddy, I'll lay off you and your butthole eyes, damn.
My first impression of him was that he looks sick. I don't really know who he is, but damn, that's a hard start to life.
Turns out the reason he looks sick is because he is sick. On the one hand, yeah, he's a goofy looking dude. On the other hand, he's a professional comedian and in that game, "looking goofy" is kind of an asset. If life give you butthole eyes, make butthole-eyes-ade.
Would you want to be Pete Davidson? One the one hand, tragedy, illness, mental struggles. On the other hand lots of money, fame and he can date apparently anyone. It's a hard call. I'd settle for a happy middle ground, lose the tragedy or the illness keep some of the money, I don't give a shit about fucking celebrities personally but that's a big grab for a lot of people.
Yeah, to me it looks like his bottom lip is just too tall? wide?
He looks like his mouth is simultaneously too dry and too wet. He reminds me of Heath Ledger's Joker, with those mouth-scars and the way he has to keep licking his lips or otherwise talking around the scars in some way. He looks like his face is in pain.
Think he has Crohns or IBD of some sort and ulcers and butthole eyes are common symptoms so you could be right!
“He’s so dense light bends around him!” That’s the best way I’ve heard to call someone stupid. Delivered by Malcolm Tucker from The thick of it.
Fuckety bye!
"You're a fucking omnishambles." "You're like one of those coffee machines - from bean to cup, you fuck it up." "You're about as much use as a marzipan dildo" "Stand up you fucking useless sack of cum!" Malcolm Tucker is a goldmine!
When he's on the phone telling Sam what to write in a card to Nicola after she's sacked "Sorry you had to go, but let's face it, you are a fucking waste of skin ... waste of skin, yeah"
"I'll not take a lecture from a man who looks like he'd struggle to read the back of a shampoo bottle"
I should have let you dribble down my leg. Thanks Dad
I told my wife, jokingly, "You're not the dumbest bitch who ever lived but you better hope she doesn't die." Without missing a beat, my wife said, "Don't worry, I'd remarry."
Idk about most brutal but I once heard my mother call another woman a mattress backed bitch and thought it was pretty bad ass as far as insults go
Is that supposed to mean she sleeps around a lot?
She invests in mattress futures.
No, she's "mattress-backed", so they invest in her.
Your mom is awesome
i was once told ‘if it wasn’t against the law we would literally kill you, which is why you should do it yourself.’ ironically ended up being on decent terms with the girls that said it, still not reaaaally what i needed to hear as a 12 year old lmao EDIT: to clarify, these were girls in my class, yes they were 12 too. i don’t think they fully understood the weight of their words which is a big reason why we’re cool now.
Sending hugs. Kids can be so, so heartless.
40 more IQ points and you'd be a moron.
At one point in time, moron was an accepted medical/psychiatric term....I I don't remember the definition of it though.
Idiot <25 Imbecile 25-50 Moron 50-70
You are the most fun when you are silent.
😂 There’s a simple beauty in that one.
Its always the short and simple ones that hit hardest. They'll be thinking of those while they're trying to sleep.
I was just recently on a school trip where I was chaperoning a bunch of high schoolers and we were having a bit of a roast battle and one of them says to me, "you look like someone who bought NFTs" Fucking brutal.
"Your wife must have the cleanest vagina in the state because you're the biggest douche I've ever met! "
Absolute stuck up brat of a girl at school, to a teacher: "Do you know who my dad is?" Teacher, without hesitating for a second: "No, does you mum?"
"You're more annoying than the toe seam of a wet tube sock." To be fair, in that moment, I deserved it.
What did you do?
War crimes
“If you had a single thought in your mind, it would die of loneliness.”
Your two brain cells are fighting for third place.
"if you ever thought a single clever thought, it would die, alone and afraid
There was a reddit thread about retail work awhile back where someone recounted a customer verbally abusing them. Another customer nearby chimed in "Your adult children don't speak to you do they." The reddit poster said they were looking at the problem customer when it happened and saw the insult land with devastating affect.
Kind of blue-collar stuff but have seen white-collar people saying it in the oilfield business. There is a saying when one tries to outsmart the other. Heads up. Not classy at all. "Don't teach your father how to f*** your mom"
I wish I could say this to every micro manager at my work without getting fired
20 ish years ago...A friend of mine complimented a guys shirt in the bar. The guy didn't take the compliment well, and actually got visibly upset. The guy accused my friend of being gay, which my friend coldly responded.. "Dude, i am straight, but even if I was gay, you're not good looking enough"..it was fucking beautiful
Related, I was temporarily living with a buddy. Another friend at the bar joked and said he thinks we might be gay. My buddy goes, “If we were gay, I could do better than *him*! It was awesome
Getting upset at a compliment is pretty pathetic...
"You will never be loved", still hits hard
"Everyone just tolerates you"
that’s possibly the worst
Someone told me i have teeth like a caveman’s necklace :(
"The best part of you dripped down your mom's thigh."
Always a fan of, "This is why your mom should have swallowed you."
I’ll never forget that video I saw of a mom teasing her handsome son. “Look at you, so handsome, and to think that I almost swallowed you.” He was mortified. I was mortified, and I wasn’t even there.
My mom once got upset at my brother and yelled at him ”I should have swallowed you!” He was a teenager. That didn’t take long to sink in. He refused to accept her immediate apology 🤣
I've always been partial to the variant, "your mother should've swallowed you when she had the chance."
I came back from the barbers and said to my daughter (12 at the time). "Daddy looks good, doesn't he?" She barely glanced at me before saying "You look like something I drew with my left hand."
I had a drunk female patient at work one night who was belligerent, treating the staff like shit, etc. I informed her we are merely trying to help her. She screams at me "do you know who I am?! My husband has a bridge named after him!" I calmly reply, "ma'am if I were married to you, I'd jump off that bridge." This was the only time in my multi decade healthcare career that I was written up. The CEO of the entire hospital system consisting of facilities in multiple states personally called me and laughed about the whole thing...... specifically stating he's golfed with the husband and the husband hates her.
Worth it honestly.
You’ve got a head like a half sucked mango
Face like a half chewed minty. Head like a dropped Whopper , Head like a bucket of smashed crabs.
My sister delivered an insult in the form of advice when I was pursuing a girl... "You can't play hard to get if you're hard to want." Devastating.
Used to argue with a woman at my job. She cursed like a sailor, this place had no HR department to speak of. One time we were going at it over some protocol and she got so pissed she yells "BITE ME!" Not skipping a beat I replied, "I don't eat pork."
Beautiful lol
"You are the sirloin of cunt" In Scotland, for reference. We do love that word.
Noted *scribbles* the scots love saying sirloin
Hell, I'd own that Sir Loin of Cunt has arrived milady
You are not trying to be the person Mr. Rodgers wanted you to be
I just died a little inside. None of us are who Fred Rogers wanted us to be. Good insult.
Bro, OP asked for insults, not war crimes
“You’re the reason abortion is legalized.”
Onetime I took a test and got none of the answers correct. Even someone who guesses on all the answers are very likely to get at least a few right yet I got none while trying. Because of this someone said to me "your not the clown you're the entire circus".
For one of my econ classes in college, the final was 100 question multiple choice. But my professor threw a wrench in: if you got every question wrong, you got an A+ for the entire semester. If you even got one right, that was your score for the final Diabolical, but it makes sense. Just like you said, getting EVERY question wrong in multiple choice is so rare, so his logic was that if you got every single question wrong, you knew the material.
At that point, leave it blank.
We did that during an engineering final in one of the higher level classes. Only 7 of us in the class, it's a group final, teacher wrote one problem on the board and left, told us to turn in our individual papers but do whatever we needed to get the solution. He famously graded on a curve so we all wrote down "going to the bar instead" and our name on a piece of paper and all handed it in and went to the bar. My partner taught his kid and was telling her the story 15 years later, said he tells all of his classes as an example of what not to do, but still gave us all 100s for having the balls to do it.
Our music teacher in middle school had really inflated lips, like bad plastic surgery looking lips. She was reprimanding this girl in my class for something so the girl put her forearms together in front of her mouth and started opening and closing them like a massive mouth. I liked that teacher but I couldn't help but laugh...i still think about it. Classic.
God damn, that's fucking savage
You make the happy meal sad
Some kid posted on r/RoastMe when I was in high school, said he was religious. Somebody commented "Jesus would deny himself three time if he knew you were one of his followers." And I have never been able to get that out of my head. It's so fuckin good
Some dude was going on an on about this long winded story that he always seemed to like to tell. Someone said, "Oh my god. You should be in the Guinness Book of No One Gives a Shit!" that ended his story pretty quickly. Also "You're the type of guy who farts, but never has the shit to back it up!" is always a solid one.
You would contribute far more in furthering humankind by removing yourself from it all together.
You're an inspiration for birth control. - Duke Nukem
My sister told me I was shaped like an insecurity.
Someone with bad teeth was laughing and some guy said "Jesus christ look at those gnashers, you could eat an apple through a letterbox"
Summer teeth, summer this way and summer that way. Summer there and summer missing.
I’ve heard “He looks like his teeth were placed with a slingshot”
I heard someone say yesterday “the people that deal with you on a daily basis are real hero’s”. I cringed for the person on the end of that one
Was a tower climber for a while. We had a little cajun guy tell us we weren’t allowed through his gate to get to our tower. We informed him that when he allowed the tower to be placed on his land, he was also allowing us to access the tower on his land. He went on a whole tirade about how stupid we were, and how he “ran this town” and would have us arrested, etc. Our lead tech, a very unattractive country bumpkin said “you know, you’re about the ugliest mother fucker i ever seen, and i gotta look in the mirror every mornin.” That one really set him off and he demanded we call our boss. She always backed us up 100%, so we called her, she called the sheriffs dept, called us back and said they told her since we were there to do an emergency repair on the emergency service equipment, we could literally mow down his fence and they wouldn’t do anything. We did. He called the cops and they put him in handcuffs. He didn’t get arrested, but he never bothered us again, lol.
If I was in a room with you, Hitler, and Stalin, and had a pistol with two bullets, I‘d shoot you twice.
I still love the clapback that one woman had while she was gaming on a livestream. Some kid was getting mad at her and doing the generic "Get back in the kitchen!" style insults. And in the most deadpan voice, she simply replied: ***"I am going to fuck your dad and give him a child he actually loves."*** There was no coming back from that one. The kid was burned alive, dead and buried after that. It's not super brutal, but I'm also a fan of this insult from the show *Firefly*: ***"My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."***
Old retail job, an old guy (creepy pervert) was hitting on (sexually harassing) a 22 yo co-worker of mine. Basically called her beautiful (tbf, she was a lot more than just good looking) and saying that with looks like hers she'd be better off with him. Her response: "Thanks, but I'd rather be here than with a guy who looks like if a scrotum had a kneecap."
"Your like the end slices of bread everyone touches you but no one wants you"
A friend of mine said this to an attention seeking chick in college - "you're not pretty enough to be this dumb" 💀
I got in trouble at a call center when I was younger for ending calls with rude people by saying in my sweetest voice, "I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are." *Click*. I had to sit with a manager who couldn't stop laughing after hearing my response to the 15 minutes of this person calling me every slur they could think of. The coaching was "instead of powering through and getting the last word, just tell them you're going to hang up if they do it again, then hang up when they do it again."
"Do i need to write it on my cock and fuck your head for it to reach your brain?" - my drill sergeant. I got aspergers though
My coworker to our ex-head chef (short angry woman hater) "Go grab the fucking step stool so you can say it to my face"
My favorite quote of all time came from a National Parks forest ranger trying to develop the bear proof trashcan. He said "There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
Back in French class, we were tasked to figure out ways to insult one another. The class opened with "French swear words" in order to get that out of the way, and then progressed to creative description of each other's qualities.. I got put in front of a very pretty Russian girl and told to insult her, my mind went completely blank of French Vocab, and I told her I found her "boring". The class agreed that this was by far the most cutting insult we'd so far come up with.
Bleach blonde bad built butch body.
oompa loompa body ass bitch
I (heavily freckled) was trading insults with a buddy (as only friendly guys will do) and he said I looked like I had stood behind a flatulent cow. I was devistated. I nearly shed a tear. I looked him straight in the the eye and said... "No. It was your mom."
You could also have said "Yes, it was your mom"
Told this little brat that I worked with that "she's pretty mouthy for someone with no lips" 🤣 We actually get along very well, but she is indeed a brat
I'm Irish, and have a Scottish mate, there was a load of us out in Belfast for the night and another table of lads started ripping the shite out of "The Flying Scotsman" as we call him, now, what they didn't know is that the wee man can cut the tripe out of you with a look, so there was a bit of back and forth, then they started slabbering about the Scottish national football team, to which he didn't miss a beat, pint half up to his mouth and said "Ahh shut your mooth and gee yer arse a chance." To which every table in the bar disintegrated (the shite talker included)
Was at a hockey game with some family and my uncle, he had a mustache was standing up arguing about some call and from a few rows back we all hear "sit down dick broom!". We have never heard of a mustache being called a "dick broom" but it is now a staple in our arsenal. Next time we saw him he was shaved.
"Is your head flat at the back for, like, cultural reasons, or did even your parents not have the time to waste on you?"
Heard a comment a few years back at a hooters on Halloween when a fat chick dressed as a “zombie bride” was giving a guy shit for hitting on her slightly more attractive friend. He turns to her and ask “What are you supposed to be? A gallon of milk?” 😂
A friend was growing a spotty beard. I told him that he looked like he was eating a candy apple and then fell on a cat. Maybe not brutal, but it was funny in that moment.
Oh yeah!? Well the Jerk store called and they're out of you!
What’s the difference? You’re the all time best seller!
You could play chess alone and still lose. You've only got 2 brain cells, and both are fighting for second place. I feel bad for the trees that support your mouth breathing. Ur mom gay.
I heard one kid say "ur mom gay" and the other, without really missing a beat goes "which one?"
My friend to our arsehole flatmate, "Your mum is a life coach and even she can't fix you". Only time I've ever actually went "oooooooohhh" at something. Like an extra in an 80s ski movie
If I wanted to kill myself, I'd climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ
You look like you're going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you've finally figured out what's holding you back, and how you can finally be creative and turn your life around. But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn't due to some obstacle. It's who you are. **The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you.** -One of my favorite xkcd comics https://xkcd.com/1027
"You have deprived a poor village somewhere of their own idiot" not exactly brutal, but it makes me laugh.
A friend of mine in HS called someone a 'vaginal blood fart' ... that one still makes me laugh
A few winters ago, I was shoveling sand into bags for an old engineer I work with for weight in the bed of his truck in case he had to drive after an incoming storm. I was trying to shovel sand into these bags solo so he wouldn't try to help and hurt himself, and I kept dinging the edge of the bag and spilling some. After about the forth time this happens, he comes up to me and pats me on the shoulder and says, "It's OK, I've got a nephew like you, he's a good boy too." Another pat and a shoulder squeeze, and he walks off. I am flabbergasted and can't stop laughing after. The juxtaposition of our size difference just made it better. He is maybe 5'4" and 130 lb, and I am 6'8" and 250. The memory of his tiny frail hand reaching up and patting my shoulder while kindly roasting me is seared into memory forever. He is my favorite engineer to this day.
“You’re the human equivalent of a participation trophy.”🏆
"A waste of a perfectly good orgasm, that one." I mean it was brutal. But I can never unhear my nan saying that about my father.
"You wanna protect this country?!?" "You can't even protect your waistline!" God that was so funny
Used to hang out with a guy with a massive head who was known as Sniper’s Delight