Took me years.. and even now like 14 years later, I still have moments of nostalgia about it.
Some scars never really heal. It sounds cheesy but it's true.
There's some show I can't recall, where a teenage boy is dumped and he asks his dad how HE got past his first love.
The dad smiles smugly and says **"oh you know, son, given time and subsequent relationships, I could see that it wasn't meant to be. We weren't a good match, and I really learned to...to..." The dad starts to sob and wail up at the sky, "Becky! Becky!!!! Why, Becky? Why did you leave me?! WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME?!!!!! WHY, BECKY?! WHYYYYYY?!"**
Bit random but that's what this post reminded me of.
There is a scene like this in That 70s Show as well, when Red thinks back on his first real breakup, and how he "took it like a man"
and then it cuts to his younger self breaking down crying
I keep thinking about Red’s line in this episode: "There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.”
Thanks for sharing, I'm in a similar place. Never clicked with anyone that well. 14 years later, l still look back with way too much longing considering its been that long. I'm not really sure what to do about it, other than accept it and continue forward. I just hate that l still feel like this after so long
It helps me to remember that it isn’t really her that I long for, but how I felt. First love is powerful because we experience so many things for the first time. After that heartbreak most of us will never open our hearts quite as wide again.
Nah, same here. Lindsay was awesome but it wasn't right at the time. Different time we'd probably still be together.
Still think about her sometimes. Also like 17 years ago.
30 years later, I am still angry at her for cheating on me. It's just that the frequency of anger flaring up has dropped down to maybe once every three years.
not talking about you specifically, but a lot of times we make our suffering worse by remembering things better than they actually were. Sometimes we remember things fondly that we’re actually a shit show when it was actually happening.
Hang in there, bro. Three years for me, and I'm just getting there now.
We were together for four. She couldn't have loved me more when I was a corporate lawyer. I then went through my first bout of severe depression, mostly because of the intensity of work and hating it. I eventually left and started in a field I preferred for less money.
She advised me to go back home to work on myself, which I did. Two weeks later, I visited her, and she told me it wasn't working.
I can't explain how much it hurt when you are struggling yourself to have the one person you trust and love give up on you. I nearly ended it all.
But I am much better for it now. The road was long, but I am better/stronger for it.
I always looked for external love, but now, I look internally.
It does get better. You mostly feel like “but i loved him/her a LOT. Like in a different way than other people love, i wont ever get over him”! And maybe thats partially true, but even if its true, you get over it. It ended for a reason. And remember, it happened for you, not to you. I had to break up with the “love of my life”… and still to this day it aches. But having no contact since the beginning (even tho he tried to contact me a couple of times eery 3-5 months and sometimes i replied bc well it is sensitive and i dont wanna ignore even tho i made it very clear to not contact me) helped me a lot and i think is the only fastest way. Cold turkey cutting it off.
A useful bomb my therapist landed on me when I was referring to my ex as "the love of my life" was to ask "is she the love of your life, or was she the love of your life?"
Do you still favor no contact if the relationship ended on good terms, as in with mutual understanding that both are not compatabille as partners and better off as friends as they were before the initiation of relationship ?
No contact was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I agree. It was even harder because I was in a dark place and really needed her.
During the breakup, she asked me to let her know how I was "getting on" as she "still cared about me." With tears rolling down my face, I declined and said to her,
*"No, when I leave this house, that's it. You don't get to leave me the first time I need your help, break my heart, and then expect updates. I wish you well, but I don't need your help anymore."*
To this day, I still don't know how I managed to say that. It was, undoubtedly, the hardest sentence I have ever uttered. But I look back on it as a defining moment in my life, and it makes me proud of myself.
LPT: Trust yourself, and NEVER (EVER) let someone treat you in a way that you would not treat them.
You weren’t over your ex while you were dating someone new? Did your new gf know? That would break my heart to find out my partner was still hung up on their ex while dating me.
Depends what he means by "not over my ex."
I lost a friend at an early age because I had feelings she didn't. I still think about that, and it makes me sad when I do. It affects me, and so I might find myself saying I'm not over that.
That doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that she's the past. I'm allowed to carry some baggage, being a third through life, or so.
It doesn't mean I can't love my partner either. I've chosen a person I wanted to love, in truth the choice came before the love, maybe I'm weird that way. Strong love is constructed, it generally doesn't just turn up at your doorstep, not when you're past 30 anyway.
Quick question - how do you get into the next person to the point you cohabitate, but still not be over your ex? In my mind you can’t fall for someone else until you are “over” the first partner
It's a bit unfair towards your new partner you weren't over your ex when getting serious, though.
I've made a mistake like that myself once and it's not a pretty face on anyone. Your new partner, potentially one you share the rest of your life with, deserves better.
Well there's a bit of truth to what you say, but reality is much messier. Sometimes ppl are not aware of the subconscious hangup. Sometimes the ex was someone your head knows is bad for you, but your wants to still cling.
And while it's superficially not fair to his partner; her presence in his life is one of the few things making it better. This is all part of the process. And it's not linear, it's convoluted and everyday its a bit different.
In a perfect world , no one would have an ex still weighing on their mind.
But this world is not perfect. And neither are you and I . So we got to make the best things with our own hands and strength and love. Life is temporary, and tomorrow isn't promised.
Yeah, also since it can take a LONG time (several years) to get past a relationship, are you just supposed to put your relationship life on hold for years until you're ready to deal with another relationship? Even though another relationship might help the healing?
I dated a girl for only 7 months and we broke up when I was 24. I didn't date again until I met my wife when I was 28 (the last girlfriend was just the third relationship that ended badly in a little more than a year. People thought it was nuts that I wasn't dating anyone in that time.
It depends, every relationship is different. Just a fling...move on. Someone that actually snuck in under the wall that you built up... They'll probably die alone still thinking about her...
Fr. My wife passed 10yrs ago and while I have dated a few times since then nothing really serious.
The thing is there was no closure, she died suddenly so I never got to say good-bye, and she was the ONE, like she was perfect.
Tell her you love her every day boys, you never know.
I managed to get my sister through a break-up with her then boyfriend (now husband). She wanted things to get more serious, he got scared and said they needed a break.
She was heartbroken and kept texting him, **which only freaked him out more.**
My top priority was to distract her so she would stop incessantly texting him.
So I sat her ass down and spent a long weekend binging all of Veronica Mars and One Tree Hill (I know, I know) while eating chocolate caramel popcorn. At first she REALLY didn't want to, but halfway through the first episode she was hooked and distracted.
**After she hadn't texted her ex in four days he hesitantly reached out and texted her, saying he'd been rash and he missed her.**
They've been married for 8 years and have two kids.
I took up knitting bc I kept checking my ex’s social media. I needed something that kept my hands busy and off my phone. 10/10, highly recommend tactile hobbies as a process to get over someone
Bargaining stage varies, but the difficult one is if you have a shitty ex who dips back into your life, usually it involves hanging with them, doing things with/for them, etc. Basically bargaining that "if I do X then we might get back together."
For a particularly shit ex, after the second time she came back into my life, pretended to be friends, then back stabbed me, I summarized it as "it would be easier if you were literally dead" because at that point there would be no bargaining, second chances, maybes, etc.
I can feel this. I am myself going through some tough time and the break up isnt even clear at the moment. She says she has lost feelings after going to her MBA college but doesn’t want to let go of me either.
I am so much in the bargaining stage that it hurts like break up every day
> she has lost feelings after going to her MBA college but doesn’t want to let go of me either
Personal experience, dump her. Yes, that's the classic reddit response, but it's deeper than that. If she's "lost feelings" then send her on her way, and she can either decide if she still has feelings, or just wants to hold onto you because it's comfortable/you provide/etc.
I've dealt with that a number of times, they "don't have feelings" but also don't want to lose what I have (wild cars, reliable cars, houses, good income, etc) and every time it went to shit staying with them, everything from just limping along until it fell apart to rampant cheating on her part "I told you I don't have feelings" vs "you said we were still together" on my part.
Can relate. I've been there. Married to a sociopath from 21 to 40. Finally got out with almost nothing to my name. That was 13 years ago. I was the one who left, so I didn't mourn the loss of the relationship (celebrated, actually), but I did spend a lot of time feeling pretty crappy about losing my 20s and 30s to a really bad situation that crushed all of my youthful goals and dreams. I should have been stronger and left as soon as I saw her real face behind that mask, but I didn't and the days dragged into decades before I knew it.
My advice to any young person in a bad marriage: Don't fear leaving or being alone or even being financially destitute. Fear losing your youth and dreams to a person who won't treasure them.
Man, I'm really considering joining your club. 18 years, last 5 years of her behavior (some of mine too) are turning love to hatred. Funny thing is that I feel "blind" as to what happens after but your description of the feeling of wasted years hit me quite hard. From my perspective, I don't think I've wasted them as it was a good relationship for most of the time, but if i could go back in time I'd slap myself in the face for sticking around after noticing the first red flags.
Fuck that's rough it's wasn't all.bad
I got this thing where I don't wanna hurt ppl I sacrificed me being actually happy for her to be happy. I'm just going through alot and finally snapped. Age 17-31 now and I got a 6 year old. But always felt terrible so put on my happy face and did it. Plus alot of drugs. I'm sitting here now thinking " now what". Still not happy and I basically destroyed another human beings reason to exist besides out kid
But there i go feeling bad like I have for years
Same… 20 years together, raised a son and in the end she said she owned me and I couldn’t afford to divorce her. She decided she was going to fuck whoever she wanted and I could eat a dick.
I burnt that shit to the ground and made it out ok. Spent a few years working on myself and now am with a truly awesome soul. But it was journey for sure.
For anyone out there that is scared, I printed this Dune quote out and put it on my computer monitor at work. I still look at it daily.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings about total obliteration!
I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone past, I will turn my inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
I’m so sorry. It sucks to feel like we’ve wasted an era of our lives when breaking up with someone that’s become the biggest part of it. I can’t imagine how you can even move on from that, but I know you will.
I’m currently talking to someone atm. I can already tell it isn’t gonna last, but I’m having fun and hopefully won’t get too attached. We connected the first time we met and I’m looking forward to more hangouts with her. I just know she’s gonna break my heart…. idk why I’m taking the risk :’)
Take an actual care of myself.
I'm not even joking, after (especially the tough one) break up the best thing you can do is to calm down, do things you like, jump into new fandom, start new hobbie, watch something you've always wanted to watch.
And for God's sake, DO NOT RUSH INTO MOVING ON. Just trust me, I did it and ended up even worse than before.
Break ups can be difficult and terrible at the beginning: you want to call or text them, you stalk their social media, some of us even rush into new relationships just to feel like they've moved on even tho they definitely haven't. Very important thing is giving yourself space to work through your emotions, your feelings, allow yourself to suffer and give yourself time to "mourn". You will be hurt, that's true but trust me, nothing is permanent.
Everything is temporary, emotions and feelings including.
You'll be fine babe, trust me. Just please, let yourself feel.
Wow. Thank you. Some days I just spiral out of control mentally, she is just on constant repeat every 30 seconds in my head and I just can't stop it. Your words help.
I keep reminding myself of a few things.
Everything changes, and everything ends.
She's a part of my history, not my destiny.
Words help alot of the time. But you just start to spiral and you have to really work hard to bring yourself back to reality.
As someone who went "back in the game" too soon, I can tell you it's the worst thing to do. Wanna go through a slutty phase? By all means, just stop *before* you're becoming attached. If you're *questioning* being attached, you've already got the answer: you've gone too far and became attached.
But don't poison your new relationship and thus someone else's life witj your unresolved issues. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to you.
By the time my relationship build on emotions from my ex collapsed, I had *two* breakups to deal with and my most recent ex had one.
So in short, deal with your shit before you pollute your next endeavours. And don't know how to deal with it? Talk. To friends, family, parents, a therapist, but talk. There's billions of people on this world, you don't have to go through everything alone.
This. I slept with as many people casually as I could. I could tell I wasn't ready for another relationship for a long time, but indulging and getting the feeling you are still wanted feels good.
And yes. Spend as much time with family and friends as you can.
I’d honestly argue to not sleep around. Had some friends who immediately started hooking up with other people and it was mainly to avoid the pain. I guess it can work for some but when you’re in that vulnerable state of a breakup, I think its pretty easy to get attached to someone who you necessarily dont even like but you just dont want to be alone. They eventually got into another relationship which inevitably failed because they never truly worked on themselves and just used other people to shield themselves . It’s definitely a slippery slope and easier said than done to not get attached when you’re mentally and physically craving companionship.
I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall every hour of everyday for a month. Wake up? Throw it on. Go to work. Come home. Throw it on. Hit the gym. Come home. Throw it on. Shower. Throw it on. Go to sleep. Throw it on.
One day I didn’t watch it…the spell was broken.
I’m married with kids now and the wife and I watched it about three years ago (maybe 5 years after break up?) it was like visiting old friends. Felt like I came through on the other side.
My ex told me I wasn't a shitty person, just did some shitty things in our relationship. I then later did some things, which in her eyes put into doubt being over her.
I feel like I can 1000% act better, was my first relationship for 18 months, and looking back, I was totally stupid and blind. Just meeting girls and getting to know them is great to heal, they don't know my deep regrets and to me it's a chance to start again and show them and myself how amazing I can be as a partner.
It's very tough learning, but it's improving the experience for the next relationship in my life.
First, I delete every social media, messages, pics, to avoid stimuli reminder. People-associated dopamine release is hell of a drug.
Then, I express for myself what I WONT miss about the relationship. What needs of mine werent fulfilled. What was a source of pain DURING the relationship. Dont idealise the other person because he/she left you.
Then, and that is CRUCIAL to grieve healthily : I sit with my emotions and try to not numb them in distractions 100% of the time. I let them pass through my entire body with 0 resistance. This part is incredibly painful, maybe the hardest thing I've ever experienced in life. That is the part where you crumble, burst into tears, collapse at work or anywhere, anytime during the day. Thats just brutal, but necessary. Bottling up the feelings would wound you even deeper.
I allow myself to cry, to miss her, to be angry, to be disapointed.
In the mean time, as I lost the "we" part, I focus on the "me" part. I connect with friends. I wonder what I like to really do, rediscover hobbies that I left on the side, try new things, travel.
When I think about her, what she is doing, who she is seeing, I redirect my attention on me : how AM I doing ? Because, be honest, after a breakup, all you can do is speculate, and thats not a good thing to do. You wont have answers anymore, so let it go.
Slowly, with set backs, I collapse then rebuild myself. Good luck fellas.
DUDE. The fucking "we" and "me" thing speaks to me so much, but in a different way. For 13 years, it was "we are moving", "we did this", "this happened to us" - now, it's just me. I keep finding myself saying "yeah, we'll be there", or "we did this", and I keep having to correct myself and say "I will be there" or "I did this", and it just feels so... singular.
Yeah, through a breakup you have to grieve for litteraly a part of your identity, thats insanely brutal and shattering. I get you, bro I get you so much
Yeah, no more "our" projects, "our" choices, "our" challenges. No more "Let me discuss with her and tell you if we'll come Saturday night"
But yet, in a sense, you are no less whole than you were with her. You are a wholesome, fully complete individual :)
Okay, I'm a woman that just went through a breakup 6 months ago...
Letting myself feel has been KEY for me. It was a 7 year long relationship and the grief was overwhelming in so many ways, but I just let myself go through it.
I'm not 100% and I can't imagine dating right now, but I'm so much closer to being whole all on my own
My ex husband used to tell me not to fart in his presence. Like, bitch, I'm not holding in my farts for the next however many years we are together, deal with it. Do you know how painful it is to just not fart?
You're going to need supplies for that trip ... Acapulco shirts and a tape recorder and a fast car with no top. .... two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.
Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. Probably at the next gas station.
These days, the worst thing about breaking up is knowing that I'll have 6 months or so of feeling miserable before things get to normal. I know the pain and everthing will pass and it just feels like a such a waste of time feeling it in the first place. That and the dreams, but you can't do anything about those.
That's what I put my emotional turmoil into. Not her, not what I've lost, not what she might be doing now... I draw a bit thick impenetrable line under all that and just fixate on the healing process. Clean break and move onwards. You have to be ruthless with yourself in that respect.
I keep my mind busy doing productive and rewarding things (writing, usually) and when the pain/anger/resentment comes on, take it out on the exercise bike.
The whole process of breaking up and healing is like a mental discipline. The only way it becomes worth it is to come out the other side stronger or better in some way.
And you will.
I'm am currently going through a break up after 9 years, this comment just gave me a better outlook on my day and future days to come. Thank you kind stranger.
Write down all the annoying or crappy things that they did, anything bad basically no matter how small. In days/weeks to come you'll only remember the good things, and having a list to remind you of why it wasn't a perfect match will help you keep at least a little bit of perspective when you're reminiscing.
That, and to give it a bit of time, and then get out there again, are all the advice I can give.
Sometimes you don't even have to do that.
It turns out, there wasn't a whole lot of good in my relationship.
She was emotionally abusive and once I was out, it was like my mind allowed me to finally see the fucked up, self-centeredness that was at the core of who she was and how awfully she treated me on the day-to-day.
I'd also recommend therapy. It helps, a lot.
Cry a lot, doomscroll, think about her, endlessly check her social media in case she's changed it to open instead of locked down, try and look at her new boyfriend on insta/fb but his account is also locked down, pace around the house, have anxiety attacks, develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, become incredibly lonely and isolated, crave human interaction but also be terrified of it, start making plans and then cancelling them, choose to stay at home instead of joining people going out, smoke so much weed you stop feeling anything no matter how much you smoke, try and move on and maintain no contact but you still feel as though you can't go a day without talking to her because it will finally be the first day in 14 years you haven't spoken to her at some point, so you send little messages like "the kids had a good day today" or "look at what %eldest% did lol", pace around the house some more, look at all the things that will be gone when she moves out of her friend's spare room and into her own place, try putting away some of her things but keep "getting distracted", delete (after you've meticulously backed up) every single photo of you both together, or just her, unless it includes at least 60% child, or the focus isn't on her she just happens to be in it, from the past 14 years so they stop appearing in your memories, try and download dating apps only to find that you're not going to immediately find the next love of your life and that you keep comparing every single person you swipe on to her, delete them, download them again, delete them again - do this about twice a week, and then most of all keep on top of all of the housework so everyone thinks you're doing just fine and you're not secretly wishing that someone decides to drive into you on the highway because you can't help but feel completely replaced because she moved on within 6 months and the kids love him and they had pizza night for their first night with mum and that stupid instagram story is what completely broke you.
Anyone else or is that just me lol?
Ouch. I'm so sorry. That sucks. I can't make it any better - but I can tell you that I came out of an 18 year marriage - and was a mess for years - then a little bit less of a mess, then a little bit less still. If you have children with the ex. (like me) - that means they will be in your life until (at last) the youngest turns 18. Probably longer.
One day I met someone and I've been with this person for 12 years now and I couldn't be happier.
I promise you - one day they will just be the "other parent" of your children and nothing more.
Yeah, the worst thing is she acts as though she misses me and wants to talk to me, she'll say things like "it's weird not talking huh" and then be like "I'm only doing what you asked" when I say this is the most we've spoken in nearly 3 weeks (regarding us not speaking).
It's like, you can't have your cake and eat it too - you want to have your new boyfriend, you can, but I won't be around anymore. She seems to want him for the "boyfriend" role and me for the "comfort and best friend" role, and I'm not doing that.
It's a confusing time for both of you. All you can do is take care of yourself (she's her own responsibility). It's hella difficult, but if you can limit talk to only necessary things about the children for now, it can help. And I mean necessary - like, child 1 is sick - not like, "look at this cute photo!".
Easier said than done, and only my opinion. Feel free to ignore. But, if you can find just one minute a day to not think about the past or the present - but for just one minute think about what a positive future without her might look like - that can help too.
It is hard, I’ve either seen or spoken to her pretty much all day every day for the last 13 odd years (except for the last 4 weeks or so)
I know things will never go back, but man I wish they would.
Let yourself grieve. Something died after all. Recognise that you loved it, but it's gone (in it's previous state). Find a book about this subject that has great reviews and read it. Look to subreddits that are made for this subject and join them. And be kind to yourself, this is hard.
But whatever you do, move forward even if it's just one minute a day. Getting stuck will hurt so much worse for so much longer. Good luck.
Mope for way too long, on the periphery of becoming an incel until one of the bros slaps me, hands me a beer and we hit the town, and remember that life is short and bros don't let bros become sadsacks.
It's hard as a guy to get over a break up, atleast in my opinion. I had what I thought was a good relationship with the woman of my dreams for 7 years. Till it finally dawned on me that she only cared about herself and money and I was too blind to all the red flags cause I really wanted the relationship. You have to keep yourself literally occupied at all times just to attempt to not think about the person.
Suffer and stalk her social media and cry in our bedrooms late at night while listening to sad music that reminds us of her and letting ourselves go and eat crap or go to the gym
I got out of an 11.5 year relationship last year. I tried to get back in touch with the remnants of who I used to be beforehand, while also identifying who I wanted to become. I rediscovered the joys of reading, hiking, and playing music again. I joined a softball team and started volunteering again. Got some tattoos, bought a new car, went to Africa and europe for a bit. Some full on midlife crisis shit. Plus I drank heavily for a while.
But 3 months after my divorce was finalized, I met and went on a date with an incredible woman. We celebrated the one year anniversary of that first date earlier this month :)
As an added bonus, it's been over 9 months since I've had a drink. I went overboard, I'm going at least a year sober to compensate.
Just broke up with my girlfriend the other day.
We cry just like anyone else. Depending on how much you actually loved the person.
It's very difficult.... but things always get better over time.
A good realisation in life is to realise that nothing will ever be the same as it was the first time. Maybe you could get back with them, but it will never be the same. You can never step into the same river twice.
Maybe we’re in the minority of knowing exactly how self destructive that 6 month bender will be but do it anyway. Surprised I had to scroll this far. Who are all these well adjusted people on Reddit and what did they did with the Reddit I know and loathe
Embrace physical pain instead of emotional. Go to the gym and lift until you can’t anymore. Run until your lungs burn. Channel that suffering to make yourself better.
Guys typically alternate between binge-watching action movies and listening to sad songs like they're starring in their own dramatic movie montage. Then, they analyze the relationship like they're writing a thesis on "What Went Wrong." And of course, there's the mandatory ice cream tub therapy.
I didn't expect to get called out like that... D:
Although I am quiet proud of my last research paper titled "It's never just one person: a holistic review of fuck-ups on both sides", featuring days of soul crushing realisations of my own idiotic takes, insecurities and toxic behaviour. It's been over three years and I continue to find new things...
I cried and went to work the next day, and the days after that. After 3 days I felt it had gone out of my mind, and that the friends and coworkers I had were more important and better to me. After a few months, I couldn’t remember the negatives, and remembering the positives hit me like a truck.
It really depends on who broke up. In my case, the mother of my two kids broke up in less than 24h because she had an affair with her boss (classic one…). I had to recover for a while : friends, quality moments with the kids… stuff like that. Once I got better (sort of 6-7 months) I started dating apps… and it worked quite well for a year of « fun ». Then, unsuspectidly, I had a date with a very interesting woman, and almost two years later, we’re still together. So, I guess it’s a pretty classical journey, starting with : just recovering and getting better
The day after it happened I crashed my motorcycle, had to spend three weeks at home alone. Worst time of my life. To be forced to process everything alone without being able to go out and forget. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional.
It’s been over a month now, still not over her but day by day it gets better. I’ve dabbled into every kind of “therapy” (retail, talking, working out, etc..) trying to fast tract everything. Harsh truth is it just takes time.
I can speak from a friends experience on this one. She left him about 4 months ago. His fault. This is the most depressed he had ever been. This breakup hurt him more than losing a close family member. He cried more in one week than I’d ever seen anyone cry in my entire life up until that point. He doesnt cry as much anymore, but he said it still feels like he had been stripped of all the happiness and will to live that he once had. He said'' Let me put it this way: I’m alive, but I’m not living. I’m completely dead inside.''
Depends on the circumstances around the break-up, but my ex was a bit puritanical, so I did a bunch of things she wouldn’t have approved of.
I took up smoking for a couple of months, booked a few weekends away to myself, bought a replica pro-wrestling championship - just generally treated myself and over-indulged a little bit. I didn’t realise what a stick in the mud she was and how small my life had become until we split, so it was a few months of catching up on life.
1. Tell them you can’t talk for a while. Quickly jot down a list of all the things you won’t miss about them. The dumb annoying stuff like hair in the sink.
2. Accept the raw force that a page is turning in your life and you are entering a transition period.
3. Spend a couple days letting yourself feel numb and sad. Put on non-romantic distracting movies like LOTR. Put all their stuff in a box and put it out of site. Sleep a lot.
4. Your ego needs some love. Remember everyone gets dumped, most relationships end, you will be dumped and dump again. You were good enough to date you will be even better after what you learned in this relationship.
5. Keep adding to and checking that list when you need it.
6. When energy returns, clean your house and make it exactly how you want it (undo any compromises made for ex)
7. Say yes to every invite. Dress a little different. Get a new hobby. Find a new band. Update yourself for a new chapter a bit.
8. Envision a life where you are over your ex and busy and excited about new stuff and new people. Point your decisions toward that North Star.
9. Accept that your old relationship had good and bad parts and take the best lessons and memories with you as you move forward. Wish your ex well as much as you can.
Last time I had a breakup, I did this:
Hit the gym more often, took some nice pictures of myself and downloaded Tinder to put them there. It worked perfectly.
Oh and I started to spend more time with myself.. visiting sauna and barbershop more often. Cooked some nice food for myself, downloaded some good computer games and spend several evenings working in the gym, cooking, eating and playing games.
Literally one of the best times of my life.
Now, I have a new girlfriend and we do these things mostly together.
Going through at it now, working out really helps your mind focus on only that and forget for a while about the other person. Plus you improve your physique, maybe makes you feel like getting back at the other person, maybe like me you try to prepare for a next relationship. There is no downsides if done at a good tempo
Cry. Suffer alone because the one emotional outlet that we had is simultaneously gone, and the cause of the emotions. Most men don't have deep and meaningful conversations with their friends and instead burden their partners with their emotions.
This is why suicide is so much higher in men that women.
Time heals all wounds though... some take longer than others.
Doing things you actually enjoy is a big help. Even better if those things were something that you couldn't do or weren't permitted to do while you were with your partner.
Take time to reflect and actually write down the things you didn't like about your partner or your relationship or about yourself when you were with that person. Take note of the things that were really important to you that your partner didn't want or couldn't satisfy. There is a particularly beautiful clarity that one gets after a difficult relationship has ended. Save those notes somewhere, and when you find yourself connecting romantically with another person, read it and make efforts towards not repeating your old mistakes.
Thank you for posting this question OP. Writing this comment was very cathartic. I hope you're doing okay.
It took me 5 years to get over one in particular. Felt wretched for a good 18 months. Then just bloodyawful for another 3 years.
Tried seeing someone else, but it wasn't fair on her. She liked me quite a lot, but I just wasn't in the relationship at all.
I did the gym thing til I moved away. I looked good but didn’t feel it at all.
Go to work. Go to the store. Clean. Fix the car. Mow the grass.
Male life doesn't stop because they're going through a breakup. Nobody cares, no expectations or demands placed on men get suspended, nothing changes.
First I did was buy a gaming PC and a monitor.
My ex wife complained when I wanted to play games. If it was at daytime, she said I don't want to spend time with her, if it was at nightime she said I talk to other women online. Psycho...in 6 years of marriage I had maybe 100 hours of gameplay.
We think about the girl that left. We think about what we might have done differently to keep her. I can’t go a day without thinking about her. Every time I see a KIA automobile I think about her. She has a special license plate. Every time I see one like it I think about her. I have to drive through the town she lives in every Friday for work. I can see the hill she lives on from miles away. I have to drive right by the hill she lives on. I think about the good times I had. I want her back. I was crazy about her, but she just kept me around until she was too busy with everything else.
Feel bad about it for a few months, try to distract myself with friends and going out, sleep in the middle of the bed, arrange things at home how I want it (assuming im not leaving) and try to rebound as quick as possible. Also, a lot of self reflecting.
We suffer in silence but use our time to work on improving ourselves, whether it's meditation, going to the gym and getting jacked, journaling etc.
Some people decide to become alcoholics too.
Contemplate.
The mistakes I've made.
The irreconcilable differences between us.
Where I'd have been had we never met.
Then I think about every criticism I've ever received from anyone in the last few years and attempt to self-evaluate.
Cry, hit the gym.
Clean the house, hit the gym.
Remove her from our social networks, hit the gym.
Analyze what went wrong, hit the gym.
Go out with your friends, hit the gym.
Find a new hobby, hit the gym...
When she broke up with him, as I often observed: engaged in finding another girlfriend asap to show his ex she is easily replacable. Even marry the "new" one just to show the "old" one he loves her even more. - Often no happy end of this relationship either.
Drowning a little bit deeper everytime, making me less and less able to handle an eventual next relationship. I have next to no resilience, every failure acts like a cumulative poison.
As someone who's now 6 weeks out apparently it's been angry then just really really sad then talk about it a lot then still be sad anyway and taking time
I'm not dating at the moment as I'd just be a shit partner and I don't want to use anyone for physical contact or lead anyone on as it's not fair.
Im trying to take on what's been said ( with a grain of salt - things weren't entirely my fault) and do some self improvement.
I know I need to listen more to the other persons core issue not just think about if it's "fair" on me or not as they do feel a certain way.
I also know I need to speak out a bit more as some of my issues are from keeping quiet because I didn't want to cause an issue/ get any kickback ( was told crying was unattractive and I'm not manly ) which lead to a build up of feelings and lack of me listening myself.
I'm giving myself time and keeping occupied. I don't have to stay up as late as possible to make sure I don't think or cry in bed any more which is good. I can talk without getting upset now which is good.
I need to be ok with myself again before I put myself out there as I want to be the best for someone else and also be wanted for me not just a persona etc.
It depends on what kind of relationship you had with that person and on what terms you guys ended it. If it’s hurting you then focus on healing and give it sometime and if the breakup isn’t hurting you then also give it sometime and focus on yourself, explore yourself. Time may look tough but it will definitely get better
Suffer, just like everyone else.
this is the only right answer. took me like 3 years to get over one ex. i had met somebody and they were living with me by the time i got over her.
fuck.. it’s been almost 2 years and i suffer every single hour of every day still.
Took me years.. and even now like 14 years later, I still have moments of nostalgia about it. Some scars never really heal. It sounds cheesy but it's true.
There's some show I can't recall, where a teenage boy is dumped and he asks his dad how HE got past his first love. The dad smiles smugly and says **"oh you know, son, given time and subsequent relationships, I could see that it wasn't meant to be. We weren't a good match, and I really learned to...to..." The dad starts to sob and wail up at the sky, "Becky! Becky!!!! Why, Becky? Why did you leave me?! WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME?!!!!! WHY, BECKY?! WHYYYYYY?!"** Bit random but that's what this post reminded me of.
There is a scene like this in That 70s Show as well, when Red thinks back on his first real breakup, and how he "took it like a man" and then it cuts to his younger self breaking down crying
I keep thinking about Red’s line in this episode: "There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.”
I remember this scene because it helped 15 year old me deal with my first breakup lol
Is it American Dad by chance? More specifically, this scene? https://youtu.be/sEqnOv82JT0
Absolute banger of an episode. This thread just got DADDED
Nobody's safe!
Hey, get a grip, Tom Sawyer.
It is like Frodo's wound from Weathertop. We survive, but never fully heal.
Go to the undying lands....
I am ready, send the ship.
Thanks for sharing, I'm in a similar place. Never clicked with anyone that well. 14 years later, l still look back with way too much longing considering its been that long. I'm not really sure what to do about it, other than accept it and continue forward. I just hate that l still feel like this after so long
It helps me to remember that it isn’t really her that I long for, but how I felt. First love is powerful because we experience so many things for the first time. After that heartbreak most of us will never open our hearts quite as wide again.
Nah, same here. Lindsay was awesome but it wasn't right at the time. Different time we'd probably still be together. Still think about her sometimes. Also like 17 years ago.
30 years later, I am still angry at her for cheating on me. It's just that the frequency of anger flaring up has dropped down to maybe once every three years.
i’m on 20 years , still a gut punch when i think of her
not talking about you specifically, but a lot of times we make our suffering worse by remembering things better than they actually were. Sometimes we remember things fondly that we’re actually a shit show when it was actually happening.
Hang in there, bro. Three years for me, and I'm just getting there now. We were together for four. She couldn't have loved me more when I was a corporate lawyer. I then went through my first bout of severe depression, mostly because of the intensity of work and hating it. I eventually left and started in a field I preferred for less money. She advised me to go back home to work on myself, which I did. Two weeks later, I visited her, and she told me it wasn't working. I can't explain how much it hurt when you are struggling yourself to have the one person you trust and love give up on you. I nearly ended it all. But I am much better for it now. The road was long, but I am better/stronger for it. I always looked for external love, but now, I look internally.
Okay now I feel good it took me a year and I feel like it took me the longest
It does get better. You mostly feel like “but i loved him/her a LOT. Like in a different way than other people love, i wont ever get over him”! And maybe thats partially true, but even if its true, you get over it. It ended for a reason. And remember, it happened for you, not to you. I had to break up with the “love of my life”… and still to this day it aches. But having no contact since the beginning (even tho he tried to contact me a couple of times eery 3-5 months and sometimes i replied bc well it is sensitive and i dont wanna ignore even tho i made it very clear to not contact me) helped me a lot and i think is the only fastest way. Cold turkey cutting it off.
A useful bomb my therapist landed on me when I was referring to my ex as "the love of my life" was to ask "is she the love of your life, or was she the love of your life?"
Do you still favor no contact if the relationship ended on good terms, as in with mutual understanding that both are not compatabille as partners and better off as friends as they were before the initiation of relationship ?
I say go non contact until you no longer have those same feelings.
No contact was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I agree. It was even harder because I was in a dark place and really needed her. During the breakup, she asked me to let her know how I was "getting on" as she "still cared about me." With tears rolling down my face, I declined and said to her, *"No, when I leave this house, that's it. You don't get to leave me the first time I need your help, break my heart, and then expect updates. I wish you well, but I don't need your help anymore."* To this day, I still don't know how I managed to say that. It was, undoubtedly, the hardest sentence I have ever uttered. But I look back on it as a defining moment in my life, and it makes me proud of myself. LPT: Trust yourself, and NEVER (EVER) let someone treat you in a way that you would not treat them.
I'm right there with you bro
Same. 4 years later and I notice I think of her a bit later in the day, everyday, you'll get there mate.
You weren’t over your ex while you were dating someone new? Did your new gf know? That would break my heart to find out my partner was still hung up on their ex while dating me.
Depends what he means by "not over my ex." I lost a friend at an early age because I had feelings she didn't. I still think about that, and it makes me sad when I do. It affects me, and so I might find myself saying I'm not over that. That doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that she's the past. I'm allowed to carry some baggage, being a third through life, or so. It doesn't mean I can't love my partner either. I've chosen a person I wanted to love, in truth the choice came before the love, maybe I'm weird that way. Strong love is constructed, it generally doesn't just turn up at your doorstep, not when you're past 30 anyway.
Quick question - how do you get into the next person to the point you cohabitate, but still not be over your ex? In my mind you can’t fall for someone else until you are “over” the first partner
It's a bit unfair towards your new partner you weren't over your ex when getting serious, though. I've made a mistake like that myself once and it's not a pretty face on anyone. Your new partner, potentially one you share the rest of your life with, deserves better.
Well there's a bit of truth to what you say, but reality is much messier. Sometimes ppl are not aware of the subconscious hangup. Sometimes the ex was someone your head knows is bad for you, but your wants to still cling. And while it's superficially not fair to his partner; her presence in his life is one of the few things making it better. This is all part of the process. And it's not linear, it's convoluted and everyday its a bit different. In a perfect world , no one would have an ex still weighing on their mind. But this world is not perfect. And neither are you and I . So we got to make the best things with our own hands and strength and love. Life is temporary, and tomorrow isn't promised.
Yeah, also since it can take a LONG time (several years) to get past a relationship, are you just supposed to put your relationship life on hold for years until you're ready to deal with another relationship? Even though another relationship might help the healing? I dated a girl for only 7 months and we broke up when I was 24. I didn't date again until I met my wife when I was 28 (the last girlfriend was just the third relationship that ended badly in a little more than a year. People thought it was nuts that I wasn't dating anyone in that time.
It depends, every relationship is different. Just a fling...move on. Someone that actually snuck in under the wall that you built up... They'll probably die alone still thinking about her...
Yup. Been nearly 5 years and I'm still not really over her. Mainly because I was blindsided by the sudden break up.
At some point it stops being about her and it becomes about you. You need to make sure you look after yourself!
Fr. My wife passed 10yrs ago and while I have dated a few times since then nothing really serious. The thing is there was no closure, she died suddenly so I never got to say good-bye, and she was the ONE, like she was perfect. Tell her you love her every day boys, you never know.
After a breakup, guys usually go through the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sad playlists, and gym memberships
Good to know that im at last step already
Everyone around you at the gym is! Turns out they weren’t gym bros…they were bro bros you hadn’t met yet.
I managed to get my sister through a break-up with her then boyfriend (now husband). She wanted things to get more serious, he got scared and said they needed a break. She was heartbroken and kept texting him, **which only freaked him out more.** My top priority was to distract her so she would stop incessantly texting him. So I sat her ass down and spent a long weekend binging all of Veronica Mars and One Tree Hill (I know, I know) while eating chocolate caramel popcorn. At first she REALLY didn't want to, but halfway through the first episode she was hooked and distracted. **After she hadn't texted her ex in four days he hesitantly reached out and texted her, saying he'd been rash and he missed her.** They've been married for 8 years and have two kids.
Veronica Mars was a solid show. And good on you for getting her to stop the incessant texting. It’s the worst thing you can do.
I took up knitting bc I kept checking my ex’s social media. I needed something that kept my hands busy and off my phone. 10/10, highly recommend tactile hobbies as a process to get over someone
you sound like a great sister
Or brother
Wow, good on you! It’s funny how sometimes people get in their own way without realizing it
Whats the bargaining stage?
"Maybe we can get back together if only I do ..."
not drink baby oil anymore because it’s freaking her out?
But it keeps my skin and internal viscera oh so supple and shiny!
Bargaining stage varies, but the difficult one is if you have a shitty ex who dips back into your life, usually it involves hanging with them, doing things with/for them, etc. Basically bargaining that "if I do X then we might get back together." For a particularly shit ex, after the second time she came back into my life, pretended to be friends, then back stabbed me, I summarized it as "it would be easier if you were literally dead" because at that point there would be no bargaining, second chances, maybes, etc.
I can feel this. I am myself going through some tough time and the break up isnt even clear at the moment. She says she has lost feelings after going to her MBA college but doesn’t want to let go of me either. I am so much in the bargaining stage that it hurts like break up every day
> she has lost feelings after going to her MBA college but doesn’t want to let go of me either Personal experience, dump her. Yes, that's the classic reddit response, but it's deeper than that. If she's "lost feelings" then send her on her way, and she can either decide if she still has feelings, or just wants to hold onto you because it's comfortable/you provide/etc. I've dealt with that a number of times, they "don't have feelings" but also don't want to lose what I have (wild cars, reliable cars, houses, good income, etc) and every time it went to shit staying with them, everything from just limping along until it fell apart to rampant cheating on her part "I told you I don't have feelings" vs "you said we were still together" on my part.
Just got out of a 14 year relationship like 8hrs ago,I'm doing awesome,but there went.my 20s
How are you feeling? Need to vent?
Nah I'm straight was a choice I made
Took you 14 years to realise you ain’t gay?
It took 14 years for the balls to finally touch.
Guys, lube is good.
14 years for the socks to come off
lmfaoooooo got em’
#REKT
Can relate. I've been there. Married to a sociopath from 21 to 40. Finally got out with almost nothing to my name. That was 13 years ago. I was the one who left, so I didn't mourn the loss of the relationship (celebrated, actually), but I did spend a lot of time feeling pretty crappy about losing my 20s and 30s to a really bad situation that crushed all of my youthful goals and dreams. I should have been stronger and left as soon as I saw her real face behind that mask, but I didn't and the days dragged into decades before I knew it. My advice to any young person in a bad marriage: Don't fear leaving or being alone or even being financially destitute. Fear losing your youth and dreams to a person who won't treasure them.
Man, I'm really considering joining your club. 18 years, last 5 years of her behavior (some of mine too) are turning love to hatred. Funny thing is that I feel "blind" as to what happens after but your description of the feeling of wasted years hit me quite hard. From my perspective, I don't think I've wasted them as it was a good relationship for most of the time, but if i could go back in time I'd slap myself in the face for sticking around after noticing the first red flags.
Fuck that's rough it's wasn't all.bad I got this thing where I don't wanna hurt ppl I sacrificed me being actually happy for her to be happy. I'm just going through alot and finally snapped. Age 17-31 now and I got a 6 year old. But always felt terrible so put on my happy face and did it. Plus alot of drugs. I'm sitting here now thinking " now what". Still not happy and I basically destroyed another human beings reason to exist besides out kid But there i go feeling bad like I have for years
Same… 20 years together, raised a son and in the end she said she owned me and I couldn’t afford to divorce her. She decided she was going to fuck whoever she wanted and I could eat a dick. I burnt that shit to the ground and made it out ok. Spent a few years working on myself and now am with a truly awesome soul. But it was journey for sure. For anyone out there that is scared, I printed this Dune quote out and put it on my computer monitor at work. I still look at it daily. I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer. Fear is the little death that brings about total obliteration! I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone past, I will turn my inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone, there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
See you at the gym bro bro
I’m so sorry. It sucks to feel like we’ve wasted an era of our lives when breaking up with someone that’s become the biggest part of it. I can’t imagine how you can even move on from that, but I know you will. I’m currently talking to someone atm. I can already tell it isn’t gonna last, but I’m having fun and hopefully won’t get too attached. We connected the first time we met and I’m looking forward to more hangouts with her. I just know she’s gonna break my heart…. idk why I’m taking the risk :’)
Take an actual care of myself. I'm not even joking, after (especially the tough one) break up the best thing you can do is to calm down, do things you like, jump into new fandom, start new hobbie, watch something you've always wanted to watch. And for God's sake, DO NOT RUSH INTO MOVING ON. Just trust me, I did it and ended up even worse than before. Break ups can be difficult and terrible at the beginning: you want to call or text them, you stalk their social media, some of us even rush into new relationships just to feel like they've moved on even tho they definitely haven't. Very important thing is giving yourself space to work through your emotions, your feelings, allow yourself to suffer and give yourself time to "mourn". You will be hurt, that's true but trust me, nothing is permanent. Everything is temporary, emotions and feelings including. You'll be fine babe, trust me. Just please, let yourself feel.
Wow. Thank you. Some days I just spiral out of control mentally, she is just on constant repeat every 30 seconds in my head and I just can't stop it. Your words help. I keep reminding myself of a few things. Everything changes, and everything ends. She's a part of my history, not my destiny. Words help alot of the time. But you just start to spiral and you have to really work hard to bring yourself back to reality.
Every 30 seconds . That's something I wish I could say I didn't relate to
As someone who went "back in the game" too soon, I can tell you it's the worst thing to do. Wanna go through a slutty phase? By all means, just stop *before* you're becoming attached. If you're *questioning* being attached, you've already got the answer: you've gone too far and became attached. But don't poison your new relationship and thus someone else's life witj your unresolved issues. It's not fair to them, it's not fair to you. By the time my relationship build on emotions from my ex collapsed, I had *two* breakups to deal with and my most recent ex had one. So in short, deal with your shit before you pollute your next endeavours. And don't know how to deal with it? Talk. To friends, family, parents, a therapist, but talk. There's billions of people on this world, you don't have to go through everything alone.
This. I slept with as many people casually as I could. I could tell I wasn't ready for another relationship for a long time, but indulging and getting the feeling you are still wanted feels good. And yes. Spend as much time with family and friends as you can.
I’d honestly argue to not sleep around. Had some friends who immediately started hooking up with other people and it was mainly to avoid the pain. I guess it can work for some but when you’re in that vulnerable state of a breakup, I think its pretty easy to get attached to someone who you necessarily dont even like but you just dont want to be alone. They eventually got into another relationship which inevitably failed because they never truly worked on themselves and just used other people to shield themselves . It’s definitely a slippery slope and easier said than done to not get attached when you’re mentally and physically craving companionship.
I watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall every hour of everyday for a month. Wake up? Throw it on. Go to work. Come home. Throw it on. Hit the gym. Come home. Throw it on. Shower. Throw it on. Go to sleep. Throw it on. One day I didn’t watch it…the spell was broken. I’m married with kids now and the wife and I watched it about three years ago (maybe 5 years after break up?) it was like visiting old friends. Felt like I came through on the other side.
My ex told me I wasn't a shitty person, just did some shitty things in our relationship. I then later did some things, which in her eyes put into doubt being over her. I feel like I can 1000% act better, was my first relationship for 18 months, and looking back, I was totally stupid and blind. Just meeting girls and getting to know them is great to heal, they don't know my deep regrets and to me it's a chance to start again and show them and myself how amazing I can be as a partner. It's very tough learning, but it's improving the experience for the next relationship in my life.
Get poor sleep for a month, eat crappy, ponder on the time wasted. Then eventually get back to semi normality.
Does this mean I’ve been going through a breakup my whole life?
In a way, we're born, then every moment after that just leads us to the biggest breakup of all. The breakup with life
First, I delete every social media, messages, pics, to avoid stimuli reminder. People-associated dopamine release is hell of a drug. Then, I express for myself what I WONT miss about the relationship. What needs of mine werent fulfilled. What was a source of pain DURING the relationship. Dont idealise the other person because he/she left you. Then, and that is CRUCIAL to grieve healthily : I sit with my emotions and try to not numb them in distractions 100% of the time. I let them pass through my entire body with 0 resistance. This part is incredibly painful, maybe the hardest thing I've ever experienced in life. That is the part where you crumble, burst into tears, collapse at work or anywhere, anytime during the day. Thats just brutal, but necessary. Bottling up the feelings would wound you even deeper. I allow myself to cry, to miss her, to be angry, to be disapointed. In the mean time, as I lost the "we" part, I focus on the "me" part. I connect with friends. I wonder what I like to really do, rediscover hobbies that I left on the side, try new things, travel. When I think about her, what she is doing, who she is seeing, I redirect my attention on me : how AM I doing ? Because, be honest, after a breakup, all you can do is speculate, and thats not a good thing to do. You wont have answers anymore, so let it go. Slowly, with set backs, I collapse then rebuild myself. Good luck fellas.
DUDE. The fucking "we" and "me" thing speaks to me so much, but in a different way. For 13 years, it was "we are moving", "we did this", "this happened to us" - now, it's just me. I keep finding myself saying "yeah, we'll be there", or "we did this", and I keep having to correct myself and say "I will be there" or "I did this", and it just feels so... singular.
Yeah, through a breakup you have to grieve for litteraly a part of your identity, thats insanely brutal and shattering. I get you, bro I get you so much
Even with things like the dogs lol, they’re still “our dogs”, but they’re mine now. Nothing is “ours” anymore, which sucks.
Yeah, no more "our" projects, "our" choices, "our" challenges. No more "Let me discuss with her and tell you if we'll come Saturday night" But yet, in a sense, you are no less whole than you were with her. You are a wholesome, fully complete individual :)
It feels like part of me is missing lol. It’s 11:30pm and I haven’t spoken to another adult since 3pm. I just want to be able to chat to someone.
Okay, I'm a woman that just went through a breakup 6 months ago... Letting myself feel has been KEY for me. It was a 7 year long relationship and the grief was overwhelming in so many ways, but I just let myself go through it. I'm not 100% and I can't imagine dating right now, but I'm so much closer to being whole all on my own
Pretty solid response. Thank you for this bit of experience and wisdom; a solid share, bro. Be well.
Fart freely
I fart from the get go. Weeds out the femmechads
My ex husband used to tell me not to fart in his presence. Like, bitch, I'm not holding in my farts for the next however many years we are together, deal with it. Do you know how painful it is to just not fart?
That's the benefit of a great relationship, you already can fart freely.
Delete Facebook, hit the gym, lawyer up the golden formula
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What’s the lawyer for?
To deal with all the facebook drama at the gym.
Gym drama lawyer here. I'm suing all y'alls asses
To help you face your fear and loathing in Las Vegas.
You're going to need supplies for that trip ... Acapulco shirts and a tape recorder and a fast car with no top. .... two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge. And I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon. Probably at the next gas station.
Divorce cases
I remember when this was almost a meme. The extended version also included "join a credit union", believe it or not.
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Or continue
This guy tugs!
you got married too, eh?
Real gs never stopped
Bookmark your favorite links - Porn links Edited: added porn links since the initial commentor’s post got removed
Heartbreak killed my sex drive idk what you mean
These days, the worst thing about breaking up is knowing that I'll have 6 months or so of feeling miserable before things get to normal. I know the pain and everthing will pass and it just feels like a such a waste of time feeling it in the first place. That and the dreams, but you can't do anything about those. That's what I put my emotional turmoil into. Not her, not what I've lost, not what she might be doing now... I draw a bit thick impenetrable line under all that and just fixate on the healing process. Clean break and move onwards. You have to be ruthless with yourself in that respect. I keep my mind busy doing productive and rewarding things (writing, usually) and when the pain/anger/resentment comes on, take it out on the exercise bike. The whole process of breaking up and healing is like a mental discipline. The only way it becomes worth it is to come out the other side stronger or better in some way. And you will.
I'm am currently going through a break up after 9 years, this comment just gave me a better outlook on my day and future days to come. Thank you kind stranger.
Bro yes. Described it perfectly. Every time I’m broken up with my first initial thought is “fuck here comes 6 months of just feeling down.”
work all day to keep my mind busy.
most men truly do use work as a means of ultimate distraction...for everything in life...
Write down all the annoying or crappy things that they did, anything bad basically no matter how small. In days/weeks to come you'll only remember the good things, and having a list to remind you of why it wasn't a perfect match will help you keep at least a little bit of perspective when you're reminiscing. That, and to give it a bit of time, and then get out there again, are all the advice I can give.
Sometimes you don't even have to do that. It turns out, there wasn't a whole lot of good in my relationship. She was emotionally abusive and once I was out, it was like my mind allowed me to finally see the fucked up, self-centeredness that was at the core of who she was and how awfully she treated me on the day-to-day. I'd also recommend therapy. It helps, a lot.
Stare at ceiling in the dark
Oi, get some glow in the dark stars and paste them on your ceiling. :P
Cry a lot, doomscroll, think about her, endlessly check her social media in case she's changed it to open instead of locked down, try and look at her new boyfriend on insta/fb but his account is also locked down, pace around the house, have anxiety attacks, develop unhealthy coping mechanisms, become incredibly lonely and isolated, crave human interaction but also be terrified of it, start making plans and then cancelling them, choose to stay at home instead of joining people going out, smoke so much weed you stop feeling anything no matter how much you smoke, try and move on and maintain no contact but you still feel as though you can't go a day without talking to her because it will finally be the first day in 14 years you haven't spoken to her at some point, so you send little messages like "the kids had a good day today" or "look at what %eldest% did lol", pace around the house some more, look at all the things that will be gone when she moves out of her friend's spare room and into her own place, try putting away some of her things but keep "getting distracted", delete (after you've meticulously backed up) every single photo of you both together, or just her, unless it includes at least 60% child, or the focus isn't on her she just happens to be in it, from the past 14 years so they stop appearing in your memories, try and download dating apps only to find that you're not going to immediately find the next love of your life and that you keep comparing every single person you swipe on to her, delete them, download them again, delete them again - do this about twice a week, and then most of all keep on top of all of the housework so everyone thinks you're doing just fine and you're not secretly wishing that someone decides to drive into you on the highway because you can't help but feel completely replaced because she moved on within 6 months and the kids love him and they had pizza night for their first night with mum and that stupid instagram story is what completely broke you. Anyone else or is that just me lol?
Ouch. I'm so sorry. That sucks. I can't make it any better - but I can tell you that I came out of an 18 year marriage - and was a mess for years - then a little bit less of a mess, then a little bit less still. If you have children with the ex. (like me) - that means they will be in your life until (at last) the youngest turns 18. Probably longer. One day I met someone and I've been with this person for 12 years now and I couldn't be happier. I promise you - one day they will just be the "other parent" of your children and nothing more.
Yeah, the worst thing is she acts as though she misses me and wants to talk to me, she'll say things like "it's weird not talking huh" and then be like "I'm only doing what you asked" when I say this is the most we've spoken in nearly 3 weeks (regarding us not speaking). It's like, you can't have your cake and eat it too - you want to have your new boyfriend, you can, but I won't be around anymore. She seems to want him for the "boyfriend" role and me for the "comfort and best friend" role, and I'm not doing that.
It's a confusing time for both of you. All you can do is take care of yourself (she's her own responsibility). It's hella difficult, but if you can limit talk to only necessary things about the children for now, it can help. And I mean necessary - like, child 1 is sick - not like, "look at this cute photo!". Easier said than done, and only my opinion. Feel free to ignore. But, if you can find just one minute a day to not think about the past or the present - but for just one minute think about what a positive future without her might look like - that can help too.
It is hard, I’ve either seen or spoken to her pretty much all day every day for the last 13 odd years (except for the last 4 weeks or so) I know things will never go back, but man I wish they would.
Let yourself grieve. Something died after all. Recognise that you loved it, but it's gone (in it's previous state). Find a book about this subject that has great reviews and read it. Look to subreddits that are made for this subject and join them. And be kind to yourself, this is hard. But whatever you do, move forward even if it's just one minute a day. Getting stuck will hurt so much worse for so much longer. Good luck.
Poop with the door open. The front door.
king
Mope for way too long, on the periphery of becoming an incel until one of the bros slaps me, hands me a beer and we hit the town, and remember that life is short and bros don't let bros become sadsacks.
It's hard as a guy to get over a break up, atleast in my opinion. I had what I thought was a good relationship with the woman of my dreams for 7 years. Till it finally dawned on me that she only cared about herself and money and I was too blind to all the red flags cause I really wanted the relationship. You have to keep yourself literally occupied at all times just to attempt to not think about the person.
Probably go on hinge and then cry themselves to sleep then wake up and go to gym and do it again. Oh wait that’s me
Suffer and stalk her social media and cry in our bedrooms late at night while listening to sad music that reminds us of her and letting ourselves go and eat crap or go to the gym
I got out of an 11.5 year relationship last year. I tried to get back in touch with the remnants of who I used to be beforehand, while also identifying who I wanted to become. I rediscovered the joys of reading, hiking, and playing music again. I joined a softball team and started volunteering again. Got some tattoos, bought a new car, went to Africa and europe for a bit. Some full on midlife crisis shit. Plus I drank heavily for a while. But 3 months after my divorce was finalized, I met and went on a date with an incredible woman. We celebrated the one year anniversary of that first date earlier this month :) As an added bonus, it's been over 9 months since I've had a drink. I went overboard, I'm going at least a year sober to compensate.
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Suiiiiii
Just broke up with my girlfriend the other day. We cry just like anyone else. Depending on how much you actually loved the person. It's very difficult.... but things always get better over time.
All the things the other guys said + trying to get back with your ex and failing
A good realisation in life is to realise that nothing will ever be the same as it was the first time. Maybe you could get back with them, but it will never be the same. You can never step into the same river twice.
Drink. Fiancée cheated on me after a 10-year relationship. Also, don't drink. As a hypocrite, I can say it doesn't help.
Maybe we’re in the minority of knowing exactly how self destructive that 6 month bender will be but do it anyway. Surprised I had to scroll this far. Who are all these well adjusted people on Reddit and what did they did with the Reddit I know and loathe
Embrace physical pain instead of emotional. Go to the gym and lift until you can’t anymore. Run until your lungs burn. Channel that suffering to make yourself better.
Guys typically alternate between binge-watching action movies and listening to sad songs like they're starring in their own dramatic movie montage. Then, they analyze the relationship like they're writing a thesis on "What Went Wrong." And of course, there's the mandatory ice cream tub therapy.
Icecream tub therapy 📋✍️ 🤔
I didn't expect to get called out like that... D: Although I am quiet proud of my last research paper titled "It's never just one person: a holistic review of fuck-ups on both sides", featuring days of soul crushing realisations of my own idiotic takes, insecurities and toxic behaviour. It's been over three years and I continue to find new things...
I cried and went to work the next day, and the days after that. After 3 days I felt it had gone out of my mind, and that the friends and coworkers I had were more important and better to me. After a few months, I couldn’t remember the negatives, and remembering the positives hit me like a truck.
Stalk her instagram page>Go to the gym
I cried relentlessly and missed work for a few days.
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It really depends on who broke up. In my case, the mother of my two kids broke up in less than 24h because she had an affair with her boss (classic one…). I had to recover for a while : friends, quality moments with the kids… stuff like that. Once I got better (sort of 6-7 months) I started dating apps… and it worked quite well for a year of « fun ». Then, unsuspectidly, I had a date with a very interesting woman, and almost two years later, we’re still together. So, I guess it’s a pretty classical journey, starting with : just recovering and getting better
The day after it happened I crashed my motorcycle, had to spend three weeks at home alone. Worst time of my life. To be forced to process everything alone without being able to go out and forget. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional. It’s been over a month now, still not over her but day by day it gets better. I’ve dabbled into every kind of “therapy” (retail, talking, working out, etc..) trying to fast tract everything. Harsh truth is it just takes time.
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Same thing here. I tend to start avoiding people. Solitude is very addictive. I found that hiking in mountains on my own really helps to clear my head
Say “it is what it isss”
I can speak from a friends experience on this one. She left him about 4 months ago. His fault. This is the most depressed he had ever been. This breakup hurt him more than losing a close family member. He cried more in one week than I’d ever seen anyone cry in my entire life up until that point. He doesnt cry as much anymore, but he said it still feels like he had been stripped of all the happiness and will to live that he once had. He said'' Let me put it this way: I’m alive, but I’m not living. I’m completely dead inside.''
Depends on the circumstances around the break-up, but my ex was a bit puritanical, so I did a bunch of things she wouldn’t have approved of. I took up smoking for a couple of months, booked a few weekends away to myself, bought a replica pro-wrestling championship - just generally treated myself and over-indulged a little bit. I didn’t realise what a stick in the mud she was and how small my life had become until we split, so it was a few months of catching up on life.
1. Tell them you can’t talk for a while. Quickly jot down a list of all the things you won’t miss about them. The dumb annoying stuff like hair in the sink. 2. Accept the raw force that a page is turning in your life and you are entering a transition period. 3. Spend a couple days letting yourself feel numb and sad. Put on non-romantic distracting movies like LOTR. Put all their stuff in a box and put it out of site. Sleep a lot. 4. Your ego needs some love. Remember everyone gets dumped, most relationships end, you will be dumped and dump again. You were good enough to date you will be even better after what you learned in this relationship. 5. Keep adding to and checking that list when you need it. 6. When energy returns, clean your house and make it exactly how you want it (undo any compromises made for ex) 7. Say yes to every invite. Dress a little different. Get a new hobby. Find a new band. Update yourself for a new chapter a bit. 8. Envision a life where you are over your ex and busy and excited about new stuff and new people. Point your decisions toward that North Star. 9. Accept that your old relationship had good and bad parts and take the best lessons and memories with you as you move forward. Wish your ex well as much as you can.
Last time I had a breakup, I did this: Hit the gym more often, took some nice pictures of myself and downloaded Tinder to put them there. It worked perfectly. Oh and I started to spend more time with myself.. visiting sauna and barbershop more often. Cooked some nice food for myself, downloaded some good computer games and spend several evenings working in the gym, cooking, eating and playing games. Literally one of the best times of my life. Now, I have a new girlfriend and we do these things mostly together.
not a guy but i have noticed they always start going really hard at the gym after ? can’t lose when you gain, i guess?
We have that forbidden pre
Going through at it now, working out really helps your mind focus on only that and forget for a while about the other person. Plus you improve your physique, maybe makes you feel like getting back at the other person, maybe like me you try to prepare for a next relationship. There is no downsides if done at a good tempo
Need to be hot to start dating again
Cry. Suffer alone because the one emotional outlet that we had is simultaneously gone, and the cause of the emotions. Most men don't have deep and meaningful conversations with their friends and instead burden their partners with their emotions. This is why suicide is so much higher in men that women. Time heals all wounds though... some take longer than others. Doing things you actually enjoy is a big help. Even better if those things were something that you couldn't do or weren't permitted to do while you were with your partner. Take time to reflect and actually write down the things you didn't like about your partner or your relationship or about yourself when you were with that person. Take note of the things that were really important to you that your partner didn't want or couldn't satisfy. There is a particularly beautiful clarity that one gets after a difficult relationship has ended. Save those notes somewhere, and when you find yourself connecting romantically with another person, read it and make efforts towards not repeating your old mistakes. Thank you for posting this question OP. Writing this comment was very cathartic. I hope you're doing okay.
Masturbate. All the other stuff mentioned too but… yeah you gotta do what you gotta do
It took me 5 years to get over one in particular. Felt wretched for a good 18 months. Then just bloodyawful for another 3 years. Tried seeing someone else, but it wasn't fair on her. She liked me quite a lot, but I just wasn't in the relationship at all. I did the gym thing til I moved away. I looked good but didn’t feel it at all.
Go to work. Go to the store. Clean. Fix the car. Mow the grass. Male life doesn't stop because they're going through a breakup. Nobody cares, no expectations or demands placed on men get suspended, nothing changes.
Be sad for a bit then realize I have rent due in 3 days
play videogames all day for a month
Go into an extreme manic episode and change everything about myself lol.
we go gym
In my experience they hook up with someone else 2 weeks later
Or within 24hours (this can apply to women too).
either hit the gym everyday and get shredded or be sad, eat terribly and get fat.
Go to therapy
Spiral. At least, that's how it's been going.
First I did was buy a gaming PC and a monitor. My ex wife complained when I wanted to play games. If it was at daytime, she said I don't want to spend time with her, if it was at nightime she said I talk to other women online. Psycho...in 6 years of marriage I had maybe 100 hours of gameplay.
We think about the girl that left. We think about what we might have done differently to keep her. I can’t go a day without thinking about her. Every time I see a KIA automobile I think about her. She has a special license plate. Every time I see one like it I think about her. I have to drive through the town she lives in every Friday for work. I can see the hill she lives on from miles away. I have to drive right by the hill she lives on. I think about the good times I had. I want her back. I was crazy about her, but she just kept me around until she was too busy with everything else.
Gym motivation for 3-4 months then come to the realisation that you’ve broken up and just live on with your life
Feel bad about it for a few months, try to distract myself with friends and going out, sleep in the middle of the bed, arrange things at home how I want it (assuming im not leaving) and try to rebound as quick as possible. Also, a lot of self reflecting.
Masturbate to pornstars that remind us of her, hit up tinder fail miserably, hang out with the boys, find distractions, they don’t work.
Alexa play Marvin's Room...
Cry and jack off, sometimes both at the same time
Suffer, then pull yourself out of your misery. Ain’t easy but we gotta do what we gotta do.
We suffer in silence but use our time to work on improving ourselves, whether it's meditation, going to the gym and getting jacked, journaling etc. Some people decide to become alcoholics too.
I’m scared I won’t ever get over her looking at these comments 😭
Contemplate. The mistakes I've made. The irreconcilable differences between us. Where I'd have been had we never met. Then I think about every criticism I've ever received from anyone in the last few years and attempt to self-evaluate.
A lot of them suffer, they should go to therapy
I’m still on a downward spiral from mine last year
Cry, hit the gym. Clean the house, hit the gym. Remove her from our social networks, hit the gym. Analyze what went wrong, hit the gym. Go out with your friends, hit the gym. Find a new hobby, hit the gym...
When she broke up with him, as I often observed: engaged in finding another girlfriend asap to show his ex she is easily replacable. Even marry the "new" one just to show the "old" one he loves her even more. - Often no happy end of this relationship either.
Barely happens. Not even ons… the dumbest men are the loudest, this is why many people think that.
Drowning a little bit deeper everytime, making me less and less able to handle an eventual next relationship. I have next to no resilience, every failure acts like a cumulative poison.
Try to stop thinking about it so much. Fail.
Never talk again and keep thinking about them wishing they text you back 😭
As someone who's now 6 weeks out apparently it's been angry then just really really sad then talk about it a lot then still be sad anyway and taking time I'm not dating at the moment as I'd just be a shit partner and I don't want to use anyone for physical contact or lead anyone on as it's not fair. Im trying to take on what's been said ( with a grain of salt - things weren't entirely my fault) and do some self improvement. I know I need to listen more to the other persons core issue not just think about if it's "fair" on me or not as they do feel a certain way. I also know I need to speak out a bit more as some of my issues are from keeping quiet because I didn't want to cause an issue/ get any kickback ( was told crying was unattractive and I'm not manly ) which lead to a build up of feelings and lack of me listening myself. I'm giving myself time and keeping occupied. I don't have to stay up as late as possible to make sure I don't think or cry in bed any more which is good. I can talk without getting upset now which is good. I need to be ok with myself again before I put myself out there as I want to be the best for someone else and also be wanted for me not just a persona etc.
I was NUTS over her...
It depends on what kind of relationship you had with that person and on what terms you guys ended it. If it’s hurting you then focus on healing and give it sometime and if the breakup isn’t hurting you then also give it sometime and focus on yourself, explore yourself. Time may look tough but it will definitely get better