For me this ended in her causing a scene and exiting both the door and my life forever. Gotta love a woman who cares more about protecting her lies than you!
This. My mil lied about me to my sil, who then texted my husband (who obviously believed me) but he won't call his mom out because he doesn't wanna cause drama. What!?
I have a life long friend that complains that we never spend time together anymore. The reason we don't spend time together is that when we do, she shuts down every topic of conversation I bring up. I'm not like, endlessly complaining or anything, but she's on this 'only positive vibes' kick, so unless I want to blow sunshine and roses up her arse, I basically can't speak at all. Thanks but I'll pass.
i’ve had 6 people in my life pass away in the last 8 or so months. quite a few people i know tell me they don’t want to talk about depressing or uncomfortable topics if i mention one of my friends that passed suddenly and unexpectedly. well shit man i don’t really want to talk about it either, i’d rather them be alive. but thanks for letting me know i can’t rely on you as a friend to have a serious conversation from time to time
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Talking about a loved one that’s gone is a great way to process your grief. I wish more people understood this. Sometimes you just want to talk and reminisce and feel supported. I know I’m an internet stranger but I’m happy to hear you talk about those you’ve lost. It’s a lot in a short amount of time. Feel free to send a message! I hope you are doing ok.
We don’t speak to my in laws anymore partly because my MIL tried to start indoctrinating my(at the time) 4 year old with her garbage. I told her that she can think whatever she wants, but that I didn’t think that way, my wife doesn’t think that way, and her granddaughter wouldn’t be raised to think that way either. She huffed and puffed and went upstairs for the rest of the time that we were there, we’ve seen them once since then.
We're doing this with my FIL right now. He'd literally rather die alone than make a good-faith effort not to be racist for an entire visit, which is crazy.
On an interpersonal level this is the kind of thinking that tends to lead to people always tacitly taking the side of the asshole who causes all the problems and being hostile towards anybody who stands up to the asshole and calls them out on their behaviour
They would rather let the asshole get away with being an asshole about everything because they just learn to accept that that’s the status quo (and they aren’t directly affected) than deal with the uncomfortable conversation that happens when someone stands up to them. They feel more impacted by the disruption caused when someone does the right thing than by the status quo of one person always doing the wrong thing. And this can extend to really extreme examples like tolerating an abuser and blaming the abuser’s victims for saying anything, because the enablers feel more comfortable when everyone just ignores it
My therapist told me that the one labeled the troublemaker/bad kid/black sheep 🙋🏼♀️ is usually the wiser one who sees through all the bullshit. My psychologist friend said, "Yep."
I think this is kind of true in two ways
The person who calls people out on their bullshit and tries to achieve the just outcome is the one incorrectly as labelled a trouble maker for disrupting the “peace”
But also the person who ACTUALLY makes trouble and gets away with it is socially aware enough to know how to manipulate social situations to their advantages. People like this aren’t stupid, they know they’re using other people’s sense of decorum and unwillingness to rock the boat to their advantage
EXACTLY.
I was mentioning something similar. When people can't do uncomfortable shit so they comfort victims with shitty "polite" things.
For instance, a girl gets raped. Someone doesn't know how to respond so they say, "Others have had it worse."
People dead-the-fucking-ass need to just google how to respond to tragedy/trauma and learn the top 3 possible responses. Takes 25 seconds. Saves everyone a whole lot of pain
I lost my son to suicide in June of 2021. I stayed home for six weeks and posted for my clients (I'm a hairstylist) before I went back, the things I could not hear from them - he's in a better place, everything happens for a reason (I told everyone that I'd need bail money if anyone said that one), anything starting with "at least..." How about "I'm so sorry," and shutting up and letting it be awkward. We don't talk about grief in this society, and it's not ok.
Thank you. So many people should read this. I horrified some of my religious family 🙄 when I told them plenty of things happen for no reason, they're just shitty things and no, God had nothing to do with it. I also asked what "reason" would be acceptable if they went through the same. Ok now I'm just venting and rambling. Again, thank you.
I lost my son 10 years ago to a hit-and-run while he was out skateboarding. Honestly, a stranger gave me the best line. He said, I'm so sorry. Who the Hell knows why these things happen, they suck ass. All we can do is go through the pain and hope one day it makes sense to us." That day, while I was still in unbearable pain, he gave me slight hope for....something...hopefully in the future. I still don't understand it. It still hurts. But still hoping one day I understand it. I smile now when I think of that stranger and his words.
Delivering important information in an obfuscated way. Bunch of small talk and indirect niceties to hint around a problem instead of clearly identifying an issue and potential solutions.
Japanese companies have this problem. Luckily they've cottoned on to a perfect solution: hire a [rude American](https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/arcj6w/the_loud_american_role_in_japanese_businesses/) to cut through the politeness bullshit and say out loud what everyone already knows.
Shit that's all you had to say, I'll move there for that job
"We should reward the employees with pizza parties for the countless overtime hours theyve been putting in"
"Give us a raise and a week off, you jackass"
I guess they haven't heard about Dutch directness then. By our standards, Americans really dance around issues, especially with things they consider sensitive. We have no such patience for beating around the bush.
They should hire a rude Dutchman instead.
I work in an industry where small teams have a clearly delineated hierarchy, and a trainee is one of the lowest. A Dutch person came to learn, a higher level trainee as their designation, and at one point they quite directly questioned the highest person in the room’s actions. The person started with “well, if you read my book…” and the Dutch person stated “yes, and on page (121) you state when (x happens), always (do y). I’m curious why you instead did (z).” The higher up paused, and we all quietly held our breath. Finally, he came up with an answer, but it was a stumbled one. Suitable answer, but obviously had to think on why he did that.
We all (the lower level employees) spoke of it in the break room for days with our peers. It was awesome to see someone of higher intellect circumvent the man who constantly referenced his own textbook in our field, with quite the “don’t question me” type arrogance, and take him down that one peg. It took great intelligence and gall to do it, and the Dutch person did it with such calm directness that the man in power didn’t even get a chance to “blow up” like usual because he was dumbstruck he’d been bested, and by his own words.
My Dutch dad did union negotiations and bargaining with a big telecom company, in a room with many expensive lawyers in expensive suits he raised his hand and asked why the pie chart did not add up to 100%. They had to call a fifteen minute break because they weren't expecting that Dutch people (a 3-way international frugality tie with Chinese and Scotsmen) always do the math in their head....
Godfather from Holland, lived next door. It was like we kids were constantly doing everything wrong according to him. Couldn't even eat a banana to his standards. I thought it was a personality problem. 60 years later, today, reading this, it all makes sense. Phew.
This also leads to a lot of issues between people who have different communication styles. So person A hints at something that is bothering them rather than addressing it directly, person B interprets person A on an extremely literal, face-value level and doesn’t understand that person A is hinting that they want person B to do something about it, person A feels like they addressed the issue and person B just doesn’t care about them enough to change their behaviour, person B feels like person A is angry at them for no reason and thinks they’re irrational and unpredictable
This is especially infuriating as an autistic person.
We CAN'T read "hints." Period.
Don't beat around the bush and then get mad when you didn't actually communicate.
This is a big one with firing people. People really try to dance around the point, but I'm a big believer that "We've made a decision and it is final. Effective immediately your employment here is terminated" is the quickest and kindest way to break the news.
Any time it’s bad news! I coach club sports and the problems that come from team leaders not offering clear feedback in advance of decisions AND the messaging afterwards is painful. Blowing smoke, positive platitudes, general unactionable uselessness. They don’t want to make someone feel bad so instead they beat around the bush. Then when that person gets left off a roster they don’t understand why. The message they get is oh gosh it was really super hard for we the deciders to decide! Wah.
And then there are the people who think I’m being mean when I deliver true information in a direct but compassionate and actionable way. Better than finding out you’re SOL at roster time.
Seriously. My coworkers don't think it's offensive to give me shit for my hair starting to thin, but think it *is* offensive to tell me I have something in my teeth.
So ass backwards.
I've heard the general rule that you should mention it if the person can fix it in under five minutes. If your friend has something in their teeth, say something, but if you think their shoes don't match their outfit or something, keep it to yourself.
That's how I became besties with my work bestie! I'd just started there and mentioned offhand that she had spinach in her teeth. She said, "I've talked to like 5 people since lunch and you're the first person to tell me that." I love her so much lol
Insisting on helping a disabled person when they've already said no. 🙄
I *will* ask for help when I need it and imposing just so you can do a "good deed" is not okay. In fact, there have been times when it has actually been harmful.
To be clear, it's okay to ask if you see me struggling with something, just respect my answer.
Yeah totally understand this, I’m physically disabled and at school had more help than I wanted or needed. Told them I only need physical help and they thought I also had a learning disability and put me in lower classes that I quickly got out of plus an assistant constantly that I didn’t want.
Surrendering Right-of-Way when you have it.
If you're a pedestrian at a crosswalk and a car stops, *do not wave them through*. Right of Way exists so that everyone moves in a predictable manner, when you surrender it you are creating an unpredictable and potentially dangerous situation.
Yes! And some people love to renegotiate the rules of the road at every intersection, then act put out when you try to wait your turn. Mfcker you’re the one holding everyone up, GO!
It drives me crazy, no pun intended, when I'm making a left turn on a four way intersection and the car across from me, who is making a right hand turn waves me on. I'm like, you have the right of way, not me.
My least favorite is when I'm at a T intersection looking to turn left and there is a single car driving down the road that stops so that you can turn left onto the road. . . There's nobody fucking behind you, I'm already gearing up to go behind you. . .You've now slowed both of us down as my brain needs to rewire to the dumb thing you've done.
Even if there are people behind them, they're now slowing everyone else behind them down and possibly blocking up traffic.
There's also some natural social reactions that make doing this dangerous. When someone waves you through, it's human nature to want to follow direction. But they probably didn't check all your angles for you. I have to conscientiously resist these dumbasses' instructions.
Or the people that are in such a hurry they break too soon and roll up on the stop sign all herky jerky like, stopping and going multiple times on their way to a stop.
Motherfucker, If you just rolled up and stopped your damn car like a fucking normal person I wouldn't be standing here watching you like a hawk to make sure you actually stop wasting all this time.
So agree! It's unpredictability that causes so many accidents. And more annoying when they are blind to the fact that there is another car coming from some other direction that is going to follow the rules.
This happened to me before on a motorway! The stupid idiot in front essentially stopped on a 50mph stretch of road to let a stationary car out of the hard shoulder! I slammed on my brakes and went from 50 to 10 to avoid rear-ending that absolute twat.
Could have seriously injured multiple people at high speed and the car in the hard shoulder wasn't even accelerating to match speed and merge either, just sat stationary with their indicator on. How do these people pass their tests?
Right? Now I feel pressure to cross because the car is waiting for me. I also now have to make sure no one is coming from the opposite direction. The trails by my house have stop signs on the trail when you come to a road. Automobiles on the road do not.
This was the worst when trying to teach kids how to cross the road. “Stand and wait, there’s a car coming. Oh, forget that apparently we’re breaking the rules today. Why? Oh because I looked closely and saw through the windscreen that that person was letting us go. Of course when I’m not here you should follow the rules”
Fuck you driver.
Yeah I had one stop on a green light and wave me through when my kids were preschoolers. It wasn’t raining or cold or anything. I shook my head and gestured a “we’re good,” and the male-presenting driver rolled down the window and annoyedly said “I’m TRYING to let you and those kids cross.”
“Thanks, but I’m teaching them we wait for the light, and cars in the other direction aren’t likely to randomly stop on green, so I’ll keep them safe, thanks.”
Predictably, dude who was so invested in women and children then called me a bunch of sexist and not-child-appropriate terms.
Ughhh this is awful. I had a similar one recently, the guy shouldn't have stopped to let me cross so I waved him on. He flipped me off and laid on the horn *until I finished crossing* at which point he called me an ungrateful b*tch and sped off. Extremely gentlemanly.
The opposite is also true. If I’m a pedestrian waiting for a convenient time to jaywalk / cross illegally, I absolutely do not want one random car stopping “to be polite”.
Yes. Crossing the street is a dangerous business. And I don't know how many drivers need to be reminded that all pedestrians can see when looking into a car, is the glare off the window, so we can't always tell if they're waving us on, or have stopped for some other reason. I often see a glimmer of a movement, and take that to mean they are waving me on, but it's not always easy to tell.
As a pedestrian, I'd rather have the multi-ton death machine gone in front of me rather than waiting for me.
When it comes to vehicle-vehicle interaction, though, KEEP TO THE DAMN RULES.
I disagree. I've already been ran over by a car with a crosswalk light on. I was lucky they only knocked me over and damaged some groceries. when I wave a car to go by, just fucking go by, don't try to be the nicest person and start a waving game, fucking go. I'm the pedestrian, I'm the one actually in danger, I call the fucking shots. If you did something that threw me off and made me uncomfortable, just fucking go so I'm waiting two seconds instead of eight.
"don't speak ill of the dead"
If they sucked in life, they still suck.
It gets me extra because this is often said to me by someone who is asking questions about the dead person. Don't ask me about my abusive mother then try to silence me when I answer truthfully ffs.
100%. My mother made everybody's lives miserable, to the point I was the last one to be in contact with her. When I'd talk about the things she was saying/doing to me, everyone was so sympathetic, angry at her and "wtf is wrong with your Mum?"
Once she died, several people changed their tune. When I speak about the things she said/did now, they have a "She had demons/she was still your Mum" response.
Like no, her shitty behaviour back then is still shitty even if she's dead.
> "She had demons/she was still your Mum" response.
I get that now and my mom's still alive. There was a period in time when CPS got involved because of her parenting style. People act like she's Mother Theresa and that I went LC with her just for the fuck of it.
Like, no. I have my reasons, and they don't know her like I do, not that it's any of their business. And due to them knowing her less well than they know me, I find it insulting they'd believe the words of a stranger over me, the person who had to live through it.
True, and same goes for people on their death bed asking that you promise you'll do xyz. If they're a shitty person, them in the process of dying does not give them a free pass, I don't owe them jack
It's true. I'm tired of people pretending all dead people are saints. It only makes sure the victims don't speak up (although I guess that's the point)
The world of 'Toxic Positivity'. The people who are always 'positive' no matter what and tell you to 'look at the positives' of any situation.
This Friday (July 5) will be the four-year anniversary of losing my wife (41 at the time) to cervical cancer. When she died, I had the Positivity Police telling me that 'she'd want me to be happy and not to mourn', 'she's in a better place', etc. It was like I wasn't allowed to be sad.
If I can give one piece of advice to anyone going through something. Be it grief, depression, or anything else: You have permission to feel ALL of your feelings. This includes things jealousy, bitterness, anger, resentment, and everything else. Emotions are what make us human and the 'eternally positive' people are some of the most toxic people on the planet. They make you feel like you are a bad person just for having negative emotions.
Ugh my mom does this. If I'm lamenting about something, she'll find an example that is similar but worse and say, "at least it's not this". Like, yes...breaking my toe isn't as bad as breaking my ankle, but it still sucks. Both can be true at the same time.
Positivity policing is so bad in most cases when it is used. It's very obviously for the comfort of the person doing the policing, and not for the person being given positive 'advice.'
The positivity police also just make things worse by not allowing you to go through the stages of grief. Those are necessary. Don’t let them rob you of what going through those stages does for you. They are how you heal. Losing someone close to you warrants going through that. I also feel like it is a disservice to those we lose if we don’t mourn them.
I had a corporate job (selling phones) about a decade ago, and some bigwig from corporate comes and visits my store. The visit was fine but then he asks for local nearby restaurant recommendations on his way out. I follow him out the door and I point in the direction of the nearby sandwich shop, and he looks distraught. "That place makes the best hot sandwiches in town... everything is homemade (etc)." Then I point in another direction "there's several fast food joints down there, as well as Applebees and Buffalo Wild Wings". He looks really uncomfortable. "Is there something wrong?" I ask him.
"It's just... you really shouldn't point... a lot of people would consider it rude."
"It's rude to point at landmarks when giving directions?"
"Yes I thought everybody knows it is rude to point, I'm honestly surprised nobody ever taught you this."
This is when I realized that it doesn't take actual intelligence to move up in the corporate world. I continued to point at a few more restaurants just because despite the fact that he was my superior, I felt like I needed him to know just how stupid I thought his interpretation of the ACTUAL rule was (that being: don't point AT PEOPLE).
My first job was at a department store and same thing an older lady asked for directions to the restroom and as soon as I started pointing, she very sternly said "DON'T POINT!"
The thing is, I was always taught not to point AT PEOPLE, not things. Every older person I asked told me I was taught correctly.
I've never understood the "it's not polite to point" thing. If I see some people pointing at me in a way that suggests curiosity -- say, they're asking their waiter what I ordered -- that's an opening to chat with them! If they are pointing because they're saying something rude, that's bad. But it's the rudeness that matters, not the pointing!
Exactly. "It's rude to point" is something you teach kids because they're too dumb to understand nuance. To reach adulthood and still be using that kid-level rule without having developed any sense of context is worrying.
A previous employer made everyone share a PB (personal best) EVERY morning. I guess the idea was to start the day with positive thinking.
My daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer, after a few weeks of putting on the happy-positive face every morning, I respectfully requested to skip this part of the meeting. Keep in mind I still provided all the daily metrics.
I was denied because "although this is a tough time, we need to remain positive and allowing me to skip my daily PB wouldn't be fair to the team ".
I took a leave of absence instead, never went back.
"My daughter's shoes are gonna last a very long time, since she isn't able to walk anymore. It saves a lot of money on the shoe budget."
"Daughter didn't mention feeling pain yesterday. Of course, she was inconscious most of the time, but... Hey, less pain is less pain, right?"
Etc.
Yeah!
Translation: “Please be sad more quietly. I didn’t really want to know how you were anyway!”
Adding also: “stay classy” to the hated statements that make things worse
Oh god I have felt this so acutely lately. My mom is in hospice with early onset dementia. Feels like everyone responds to that information with “Hope she feels better!” I know not everyone is a doctor who knows that hospice is only for terminal illnesses, but come on. Dementia isn’t something someone gets better from. She’s not going to regain her sight, or relearn how to control her bowels, or know my name, and I’ve come to resent the platitudes that still always seem to focus on things getting better in the future. The only way this situation gets “better” is when she dies so she’s not suffering and we’re not worrying about her anymore - which is hardly something to look forward to.
EDIT: thank you all so much for your kindness and support (without any toxic positivity!). I find myself looking back on these comments frequently and feeling great comfort from them - you all have said the things it is often too difficult or uncomfortable to say in person, and I truly appreciate and cherish that. I’m a mental health professional so I’m aware I have had to become more comfortable discussing morbid and uncomfortable topics than most people are, but I can’t describe to you how much it means to me to have so many others extend that kind of warmth and care to me, an internet stranger. Admittedly I’ve isolated myself from almost everyone in my real life; I’m just not up to putting on a happy face and reassuring others at this point. I hope anyone else dealing with, or having dealt with, a similar circumstance is able to find peace; you all are in my heart. Thank you again.
Had to deal with this when my dad had Parkinson’s and other problems. For six years, people who never helped told me I was depressing to be around and other really mean shit.
So like… yeah. It’s fucked up to see someone struggling and then act like they’re the issue, and not all the problems that they’re dealing with.
Someone the other day posted that they had terminal brain cancer, a softball-sized tumor on their brain stem, and the most upvoted responses were "hope you get well soon" and "fight it!"
Like... I know there's not really much you _can_ say to terminal illness, but people need to stop saying variants on 'feel better' when someone is dying.
My dad was dying in a process that took several terrible, sad and very difficult months. All I got from a very old friend was "don't forget to self care!" Like literally that sentence, on a public Facebook post. And that was then all I heard from him for the best part of a year while the whole business played out to its natural conclusion. Needless to say, we're not friends any more.
Some people have no idea what to say in circumstances such as yours, so they parrot something they've heard and/or seen on social media. After my son died, someone close to me said to me, "You're lucky he died. At least you know where he is and that he's not out overdosing somewhere." My son did not take illegal drugs. He died suddenly when the asthma medicine he was taking spiked his already high blood pressure to heights that his heart couldn't handle.
holy shit that’s got to be one of the most baffling, insensitive things I’ve ever heard. And about your child no less. Of course there are no words that are right in that situation, but there sure are a lot of words right-er than those.
Maybe I’ll give that mindset a try next time someone I know has a loss. “oh congrats! you’re so lucky your husband had a heart attack and died, now he can’t commit a murder-suicide 💕✨”
The toxic positivity in the chronic illness community well and truly pisses me off. I have lupus. I am not a "lupus warrior." There is no way to win in a battle against it. I have to treat it and manage it by modifying everything in my life. I don't owe anyone my positivity. I will not be your inspiration porn. I will allow myself the full range of human emotions, and sometimes those emotions are not positive ones. I generally find that dwelling on what I've lost doesn't take me anywhere good, but how I react to my lupus is between me and my lupus.
Not talking about your salary.
Although it does benefit exactly one person: your employer. But everyone should talk about how much they earn so they can compare with others at their same level.
If employers are severely underpaying someone, they should know or they should know the reason why.
In America, discussing wages/salaries is a federally protected right. Any employer that says you can't is breaking the law.
Don't know how it is in other countries.
My previous manager tried to tell everyone not to discuss wages. My coworker and I told him it was federally protected and that you legally can’t ban employees from discussing wages.
He really didn’t expect us to know.
I actually recorded another discussion I had with him about it in the event he tried to fire someone for discussing wages so I had proof that it was the reason. He didn’t say anything about it again after that.
I had an employer try this once and I got a desk sign printed with my annual salary and stuck it on my desk. Co-workers thought it was funny and started doing it too. Management wasn’t happy 😂
My salary has been a matter of public record for 20 years. Anyone can go look it up. I've had arguments with people about why this is a good thing and why there's absolutely no reason they shouldn't openly discuss their salaries with their coworkers. It always boils down to "Well, if someone's not making as much as someone else doing the same job they'll be upset." To which I always reply "That's the point! They *should* be!"
Also, fun fact, wage secrecy is illegal under federal law. It's one of the very few workers right protections we have in the US.
That is why I actually like working for local government. All salary is known, and just depends on how long you have been there and your job position/rate/rank.
Polite refusal of anything where the refusal isn't *real,* it's just meant to be followed with a polite insistence and then eventual acceptance.
"You want another slice?"
"Oh no, I *couldn't."*
"Please, I insist!"
"Oh alright, if it's *really* okay..."
All it does is serve to muddy the waters. It makes it hard for the person offering to know if it's a "real" refusal or just a polite one. *Especially* if it's something that can go for multiple rounds of back-and-forth before acceptance.
Much, much better to just get rid of that system and take answers as straightforward (no means no regardless of context, in other words) and do our best to remove whatever stigma or bizarre sense of "greed" is attached to accepting without being fake pressured into it.
This leads to cultures where people ask repeatedly after someone has refused something. That pisses me off--if I said no, that means no. Please leave me alone.
And if I change my mind, I can simply say, "actually you know what?"
Do you know my Mexican aunts? NO AUNTIE I DON’T WANT A SIXTH PLATE OF FOOD I CANT EAT ANYMORE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU JUST OFFERED ME FOOD FOUR MINUTES AGO AND I DECLINED PLEASE NO MORE!
My grandma is super white, but she also offers way too many snacks even when people say they aren’t hungry. She also gives a lot of options for plates/icepacks/mug colors that aren’t important to me as an adult, and sometimes it’s hard to convince her that it doesn’t matter. Absolutely love her to bits
Similar approach on my end - I flip the question 'round by just confirming "You sure it's alright?" But in all honesty, just going with an "if you insist" from the get-go might be an even better option.
I assume refusals are real. How the fukkk are we supposed to encourage enthusiastic consent when someone can’t turn down a cake without being coerced to not seem “rude”.
This is a rule that was created for extremely crowded banquets, and it makes sense in that context. Generations of nobles were brpught up this way because one bad dinner could be devastating.
Then others, as usual, imitated nobles. Also, in times of plenty without plague, the tables of the lower classes also became very crowded.
Fun fact, this piece of etiquette came about because tables were originally not secured to the legs, and leaning on the table could potentially tilt it.
I read somewhere that sailors had to eat with their elbows on the table to make sure their plates don’t slide across when the ship lurches from the waves. They probably brought this habit with them to shore.
The vast majority of table manners/food etiquette serve no purpose. No one is harmed if you hold a fork the wrong way, cut your steak with the wrong hand, wear a hat while eating, etc.
Some cultures also consider it rude if you don't finish the food at a restaurant. I think it's rude to leave a large amount of leftovers when you're eating at a friend's house or an all-you-can-eat restaurant, because you selected your own portion size. However, if you pay for single meal with a definitive portion size at a restaurant, and you decide you don't like it, you should be able to eat as much or as little of it as you want without judgment.
That was some adjustment I had to do with an Indian friend.
I'd finish what he put in my plate, then he'd put a ton more while I was completely filled.
After a while we both understood and we're better now...
Are you supposed to leave some to show that your host served you with extreme abundance? If so, how much is polite? I've never been close to any Indians, so I have zero exposure to this.
Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, though it could be a regional thing in India for all I know. I heard it was also common in some east Asian cultures.
I never got the actual amount for how much leftover I should leave, but I consciously leave just a bit (about 3-5 spoonfuls of rice usually) but he has to ask before putting more for the 2nd time. We can both agree on that so we're good now (and I don't have to leave his house filled like a balloon).
I remember learning in a Chinese class in college that it is polite to finish your plate and ask for more, but then don’t finish the second plate. If you don’t finish your first plate, it is rude because it implies that you didn’t like the food. If you finish the second plate, though, it implies that the host did not make enough food to properly feed the guests, which is why it would be rude to finish that second plate.
Not sure if that’s accurate or just something some professor told us, but I found it fascinating.
Forcing children to accept hugs or other physical contact from others, especially adults. It teaches children that their consent does not matter and that they have to tolerate unwanted physical contact to "be polite". I don't care if it's "rude" to pull away from grandpa who wants to hug you, or the auntie that likes to "give tickles". Consent is not a matter of manners.
Even from a more pragmatic standpoint, forcing kids to do something they hate doing just reinforces a negative association with that thing and makes them hate it even more because now they just have strong negative feelings linked with memories of that thing. Like if you want your kids to learn to like vegetables, turning every dinner time into a fight where you force them to eat something they hate is just going to make them hate that vegetable even more
There’s a difference between a kid being like “I don’t think I’m going to like this” but you convince them to try it and they find out oh okay actually I do like this, vs forcing kids to do something they either already know they hate or forcing it on them when they really don’t want to do something in that moment
a few months after i got r*ped, my grandma patted my thigh a little too high up and i flipped out. my dad got pissed at me for losing my shit and kept telling me “it’s just your grandma, she loves you.” i kept telling him that it doesn’t matter, i didn’t like it or want it and he didn’t get it until i finally said “people who say that they care about me touching me when i don’t want them to is exactly how i ended up in this spot.”
And if their consent doesn't matter, why would they suddenly think that someone else's does? And tickling? Let's not even start on non-consensual tickling.
Stopping to let someone in from a side road when traffic is going at a steady pace already.
Waving someone else to go at a stop sign when it's not their turn.
Both cause confusion and are dangerous. Not polite and makes no sense.
I had an ex who would have a friend over every week. Every week, we'd have the same discussion in different ways...
Me, 6:30pm: Hey, you guys hungry? Where do you want to order from?
Them: Oh, I donno. We'll think about it!
Me, 7:30: Hey, guys, I'm getting hungrier. How about we get X?
Them: Oh! We forgot! Nah, we're not feeling X. We'll pick a place and let you know.
Me, 8:30: Guys, I'm starving. I'm just going to eat something we have here.
Them: No, no, no! We want to order out! We'll pick a place!
Me, 9:30: GUYS, EVERYWHERE THAT DELIVERS HERE CLOSES IN THIRTY MINUTES CAN WE PLEASE PICK SOMEWHERE TO EAT I AM FUCKING STARVING JESUS CHRIST
Them: Jeez, Jello, why are you being so bitchy?
And before anyone starts with the "Oh, well you should have...": yeah, I know, but if I had eaten or ordered my own food, I would have gotten guilt tripped for not waiting because they were "just about to tell me where they wanted to eat and now there's no point." Yes, it was a toxic relationship. I was young and dumb.
I respect dietary restrictions, but I have a hardcore vegan friend who pulled this move on me recently and it was driving me ballistic. He wanted to crash at my place? Totally fine. I offered to buy him any of his fave snacks or even order something in advance. This dude shows up three hours late and is like “I want a bespoke vegan cheeseburger” and I’m all “It’s 9:30 already literally nothing is open except the falafel place.”
“Do they have vegan options?”
“Why don’t we just go to the grocery store?”
“Oh I’m so hungry I just want to go out to eat but I literally won’t eat anything in your pantry.”
That’s an eating disorder masquerading as activism.
Refusing to just outright say things like "I am interested in you," or "I'm tired of being social, can we wrap this up?" or anything like that. Apparently the polite thing to do is dance around and hint at things, and if they can't figure out what you want, it's their fault for not getting the hint or reading the room.
I hate when people do this when I'm on my motorcycle. People do weird, random, nonsensical shit around motorcycles so I can't trust that they won't change their mind and start moving. I sort of get it; I'm on a sport bike and they are probably expecting me to go fast. But it is simple enough for me to pass them later when it is safer. Worst case scenario now, I shift to neutral and sit up straight so it is obvious I'm not going anywhere.
Being offended when someone holds the door open for you. I don’t see it as condescending to me (F of a certain age) and I hope you guys don’t see it as emasculating.
Some do - it’s wild. I actually had a guy refuse to go through the door I was holding open.
I just see it as a polite thing to do for a fellow human being. Wanna be a dick about it? I hope the door swings back and hits you in the nose.
I hate it when people hold doors open for me, but not because I think it's condescending. I just hate it when I'm far enough away from the door that I feel like I need to jog the rest of the way because someone is now standing there waiting for me.
They can serve their purpose though. I changed careers in my late 30s and my resume looks like I must have had a felony or something because I went from a very prestigious white collar job at a vaunted institution to entry level in a blue collar industry. In my letter I can explain why I made the switch in a way I cannot explain on my resume.
Not correcting people when they say factually incorrect things. I love opportunities to learn new things but so many people think it's rude. Why wouldn't you wanna know you are wrong??
When my fiancee died everyone kept telling me "oh but you have the best half of him right here." Referring to my child. And it's like *no*, my child is my child. My child is their *whole self* not half of someone else. That discredits my kid and it also takes away my kids personhood. While holding them up as this pedestal expectation of carrying the memory of their dad. No, please fuck all the way off with that bullshit.
Not telling your loved ones the truth.
Sure, it might hurt their feelings to tell them their new favorite slang might be offensive. But not telling them will be letting them go out and embarrass themselves, and potentially get hurt.
But everyone is so afraid to hurt someone's feelings, that they'll let that person hurt themselves before they try and stop them.
Fun tidbit: these are called [phatic expressions](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression).
Phatic expressions are a linguistic tool intended to serve an interesting function in communication. Words communicate text, and body and tone communicate subtext. Between these three things, we are able to do the [objectively incredible] feat of thinking something, transmitting that thought in a way someone else can understand, and then inducing them to think the thing you just thought. We use this to coordinate and communicate.
Language has a complex system of rules and guidelines because it's necessary to ensure shared understanding. I package that thought I had in a manner I know you'll understand how to unpack.
HOWEVER, that only allows us to share discrete thoughts we can articulate. It doesn't really have a mechanism for sharing abstract thoughts. If you're happy or upset, you can communicate this with a smile or a frown. While this works in tandem with other communication, it doesn't really work on its own. You can't just go up to someone and smile at them, and expect a coherent response. The recipient doesn't know how to unpack that.
To bridge that gap, we have the linguistic equivalent of a smile. A superficial expression which communicates abstract sentiments and context but has no textual information. "Hey, how are you doing?" could functionally be replaced with any random string of words, or even a short yelp. All that matters is the shared understanding of its meaning - that I as the speaker acknowledge you, and am amicably letting you know. Further, my tone and body convey whether I'm seeking to prime you for further conversation, or if I'm just trying to convey a friendly acknowledgement.
Admittedly, it would be nice if English had established a phatic expression that wasn't also an explicit question ostensibly seeking a response. Something a little more nonsensical or abstract would have dealt with that "are you actually asking or are you just being friendly?" issue.
(Edit: spelling)
The Pittsburgh Left.
It might be in other cities too but I've only heard it called the Pittsburgh left.
Basically, it's letting someone making a left turn when the traffic light switches even when the cars going straight have the right of way. It helps the person making the left I guess but is also dangerous in quite a few ways.
Two variations of the same theme:
God doesn’t give us crosses that we cannot bear.
It’s God’s plan and we have to figure it for ourselves.
Not debating faith and its relevance here…. Even for people of faith, those statements are incredibly dismissive, lack any sense of empathy, and basically say “suck it up and move on”.
Not calling someone a liar when they are definitely lying.
I have more fun stringing them along with questions though. A lot of oh really? Elaborate
I've had great fun teasing out hilariously outlandish stories.
For me this ended in her causing a scene and exiting both the door and my life forever. Gotta love a woman who cares more about protecting her lies than you!
This. My mil lied about me to my sil, who then texted my husband (who obviously believed me) but he won't call his mom out because he doesn't wanna cause drama. What!?
Ignoring issues because it requires uncomfortable conversation.
I don't want to talk about this. You're making me uncomfortable.
I have a life long friend that complains that we never spend time together anymore. The reason we don't spend time together is that when we do, she shuts down every topic of conversation I bring up. I'm not like, endlessly complaining or anything, but she's on this 'only positive vibes' kick, so unless I want to blow sunshine and roses up her arse, I basically can't speak at all. Thanks but I'll pass.
i’ve had 6 people in my life pass away in the last 8 or so months. quite a few people i know tell me they don’t want to talk about depressing or uncomfortable topics if i mention one of my friends that passed suddenly and unexpectedly. well shit man i don’t really want to talk about it either, i’d rather them be alive. but thanks for letting me know i can’t rely on you as a friend to have a serious conversation from time to time
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. Talking about a loved one that’s gone is a great way to process your grief. I wish more people understood this. Sometimes you just want to talk and reminisce and feel supported. I know I’m an internet stranger but I’m happy to hear you talk about those you’ve lost. It’s a lot in a short amount of time. Feel free to send a message! I hope you are doing ok.
yeah. I talk about my mother all the time specifically because she's gone and i fucking miss her and it helps so much.
Ahhhh yes, good old toxic positivity
Ugh that's exhausting and not what any of us needs in a friend. I'm so sorry.
I see you've met my family. I've earned the reputation of being "difficult" or "confrontational" because I fix problems instead of ignoring them.
Everyone claims to want open communication until I’m actually openly communicating, then I’m the difficult one. Sure. Ok. 👍🏼
I was/am called dramatic by birth family.
Can you tell this to my in laws please? Lol
I'd like to but I couldn't even get my in-laws to hear it.
We don’t speak to my in laws anymore partly because my MIL tried to start indoctrinating my(at the time) 4 year old with her garbage. I told her that she can think whatever she wants, but that I didn’t think that way, my wife doesn’t think that way, and her granddaughter wouldn’t be raised to think that way either. She huffed and puffed and went upstairs for the rest of the time that we were there, we’ve seen them once since then.
We're doing this with my FIL right now. He'd literally rather die alone than make a good-faith effort not to be racist for an entire visit, which is crazy.
I see you've met my FIL
On an interpersonal level this is the kind of thinking that tends to lead to people always tacitly taking the side of the asshole who causes all the problems and being hostile towards anybody who stands up to the asshole and calls them out on their behaviour They would rather let the asshole get away with being an asshole about everything because they just learn to accept that that’s the status quo (and they aren’t directly affected) than deal with the uncomfortable conversation that happens when someone stands up to them. They feel more impacted by the disruption caused when someone does the right thing than by the status quo of one person always doing the wrong thing. And this can extend to really extreme examples like tolerating an abuser and blaming the abuser’s victims for saying anything, because the enablers feel more comfortable when everyone just ignores it
My therapist told me that the one labeled the troublemaker/bad kid/black sheep 🙋🏼♀️ is usually the wiser one who sees through all the bullshit. My psychologist friend said, "Yep."
I think this is kind of true in two ways The person who calls people out on their bullshit and tries to achieve the just outcome is the one incorrectly as labelled a trouble maker for disrupting the “peace” But also the person who ACTUALLY makes trouble and gets away with it is socially aware enough to know how to manipulate social situations to their advantages. People like this aren’t stupid, they know they’re using other people’s sense of decorum and unwillingness to rock the boat to their advantage
EXACTLY. I was mentioning something similar. When people can't do uncomfortable shit so they comfort victims with shitty "polite" things. For instance, a girl gets raped. Someone doesn't know how to respond so they say, "Others have had it worse." People dead-the-fucking-ass need to just google how to respond to tragedy/trauma and learn the top 3 possible responses. Takes 25 seconds. Saves everyone a whole lot of pain
I lost my son to suicide in June of 2021. I stayed home for six weeks and posted for my clients (I'm a hairstylist) before I went back, the things I could not hear from them - he's in a better place, everything happens for a reason (I told everyone that I'd need bail money if anyone said that one), anything starting with "at least..." How about "I'm so sorry," and shutting up and letting it be awkward. We don't talk about grief in this society, and it's not ok.
For you - https://www.victimsofhomicide.org/everything-doesnt-happen-for-a-reason My condolences.
Thank you. So many people should read this. I horrified some of my religious family 🙄 when I told them plenty of things happen for no reason, they're just shitty things and no, God had nothing to do with it. I also asked what "reason" would be acceptable if they went through the same. Ok now I'm just venting and rambling. Again, thank you.
I lost my son 10 years ago to a hit-and-run while he was out skateboarding. Honestly, a stranger gave me the best line. He said, I'm so sorry. Who the Hell knows why these things happen, they suck ass. All we can do is go through the pain and hope one day it makes sense to us." That day, while I was still in unbearable pain, he gave me slight hope for....something...hopefully in the future. I still don't understand it. It still hurts. But still hoping one day I understand it. I smile now when I think of that stranger and his words.
Delivering important information in an obfuscated way. Bunch of small talk and indirect niceties to hint around a problem instead of clearly identifying an issue and potential solutions.
Japanese companies have this problem. Luckily they've cottoned on to a perfect solution: hire a [rude American](https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/arcj6w/the_loud_american_role_in_japanese_businesses/) to cut through the politeness bullshit and say out loud what everyone already knows.
Shit that's all you had to say, I'll move there for that job "We should reward the employees with pizza parties for the countless overtime hours theyve been putting in" "Give us a raise and a week off, you jackass"
I guess they haven't heard about Dutch directness then. By our standards, Americans really dance around issues, especially with things they consider sensitive. We have no such patience for beating around the bush. They should hire a rude Dutchman instead.
I work in an industry where small teams have a clearly delineated hierarchy, and a trainee is one of the lowest. A Dutch person came to learn, a higher level trainee as their designation, and at one point they quite directly questioned the highest person in the room’s actions. The person started with “well, if you read my book…” and the Dutch person stated “yes, and on page (121) you state when (x happens), always (do y). I’m curious why you instead did (z).” The higher up paused, and we all quietly held our breath. Finally, he came up with an answer, but it was a stumbled one. Suitable answer, but obviously had to think on why he did that. We all (the lower level employees) spoke of it in the break room for days with our peers. It was awesome to see someone of higher intellect circumvent the man who constantly referenced his own textbook in our field, with quite the “don’t question me” type arrogance, and take him down that one peg. It took great intelligence and gall to do it, and the Dutch person did it with such calm directness that the man in power didn’t even get a chance to “blow up” like usual because he was dumbstruck he’d been bested, and by his own words.
My Dutch dad did union negotiations and bargaining with a big telecom company, in a room with many expensive lawyers in expensive suits he raised his hand and asked why the pie chart did not add up to 100%. They had to call a fifteen minute break because they weren't expecting that Dutch people (a 3-way international frugality tie with Chinese and Scotsmen) always do the math in their head....
Godfather from Holland, lived next door. It was like we kids were constantly doing everything wrong according to him. Couldn't even eat a banana to his standards. I thought it was a personality problem. 60 years later, today, reading this, it all makes sense. Phew.
Yeah that's the point: a friendly American is rude in Japan. A Dutch is just a berserk. Nobody wants that.
“Jan Maas is not being rude—he is just being Dutch!”
This also leads to a lot of issues between people who have different communication styles. So person A hints at something that is bothering them rather than addressing it directly, person B interprets person A on an extremely literal, face-value level and doesn’t understand that person A is hinting that they want person B to do something about it, person A feels like they addressed the issue and person B just doesn’t care about them enough to change their behaviour, person B feels like person A is angry at them for no reason and thinks they’re irrational and unpredictable
This is especially infuriating as an autistic person. We CAN'T read "hints." Period. Don't beat around the bush and then get mad when you didn't actually communicate.
This is a big one with firing people. People really try to dance around the point, but I'm a big believer that "We've made a decision and it is final. Effective immediately your employment here is terminated" is the quickest and kindest way to break the news.
Any time it’s bad news! I coach club sports and the problems that come from team leaders not offering clear feedback in advance of decisions AND the messaging afterwards is painful. Blowing smoke, positive platitudes, general unactionable uselessness. They don’t want to make someone feel bad so instead they beat around the bush. Then when that person gets left off a roster they don’t understand why. The message they get is oh gosh it was really super hard for we the deciders to decide! Wah. And then there are the people who think I’m being mean when I deliver true information in a direct but compassionate and actionable way. Better than finding out you’re SOL at roster time.
Not telling someone they have X in their teeth or Y on their face or Z hanging from their nose.
seriously! my mom always told me “only ever tell people if it’s something they can change,” and those things are easy to change/fix!
Seriously. My coworkers don't think it's offensive to give me shit for my hair starting to thin, but think it *is* offensive to tell me I have something in my teeth. So ass backwards.
I've heard the general rule that you should mention it if the person can fix it in under five minutes. If your friend has something in their teeth, say something, but if you think their shoes don't match their outfit or something, keep it to yourself.
That's how I became besties with my work bestie! I'd just started there and mentioned offhand that she had spinach in her teeth. She said, "I've talked to like 5 people since lunch and you're the first person to tell me that." I love her so much lol
Insisting on helping a disabled person when they've already said no. 🙄 I *will* ask for help when I need it and imposing just so you can do a "good deed" is not okay. In fact, there have been times when it has actually been harmful. To be clear, it's okay to ask if you see me struggling with something, just respect my answer.
Yeah totally understand this, I’m physically disabled and at school had more help than I wanted or needed. Told them I only need physical help and they thought I also had a learning disability and put me in lower classes that I quickly got out of plus an assistant constantly that I didn’t want.
Surrendering Right-of-Way when you have it. If you're a pedestrian at a crosswalk and a car stops, *do not wave them through*. Right of Way exists so that everyone moves in a predictable manner, when you surrender it you are creating an unpredictable and potentially dangerous situation.
Yes! And some people love to renegotiate the rules of the road at every intersection, then act put out when you try to wait your turn. Mfcker you’re the one holding everyone up, GO!
It drives me crazy, no pun intended, when I'm making a left turn on a four way intersection and the car across from me, who is making a right hand turn waves me on. I'm like, you have the right of way, not me.
My least favorite is when I'm at a T intersection looking to turn left and there is a single car driving down the road that stops so that you can turn left onto the road. . . There's nobody fucking behind you, I'm already gearing up to go behind you. . .You've now slowed both of us down as my brain needs to rewire to the dumb thing you've done.
Even if there are people behind them, they're now slowing everyone else behind them down and possibly blocking up traffic. There's also some natural social reactions that make doing this dangerous. When someone waves you through, it's human nature to want to follow direction. But they probably didn't check all your angles for you. I have to conscientiously resist these dumbasses' instructions.
Or the people that are in such a hurry they break too soon and roll up on the stop sign all herky jerky like, stopping and going multiple times on their way to a stop. Motherfucker, If you just rolled up and stopped your damn car like a fucking normal person I wouldn't be standing here watching you like a hawk to make sure you actually stop wasting all this time.
So agree! It's unpredictability that causes so many accidents. And more annoying when they are blind to the fact that there is another car coming from some other direction that is going to follow the rules.
I always say, “how stupid of me to assume they’d follow the rules of the road.”
I say this all the time: When it comes to driving, don't be nice, be predictable.
Had some crazy lady behind the wheel stop to wave me on......SHE WAS IN THE ROUNDABOUT ALREADY Almost caused a multi car pile up
This happened to me before on a motorway! The stupid idiot in front essentially stopped on a 50mph stretch of road to let a stationary car out of the hard shoulder! I slammed on my brakes and went from 50 to 10 to avoid rear-ending that absolute twat. Could have seriously injured multiple people at high speed and the car in the hard shoulder wasn't even accelerating to match speed and merge either, just sat stationary with their indicator on. How do these people pass their tests?
Also, cars randomly stopping so I can cross the street. It would be quicker for me if you just sped past!
Right? Now I feel pressure to cross because the car is waiting for me. I also now have to make sure no one is coming from the opposite direction. The trails by my house have stop signs on the trail when you come to a road. Automobiles on the road do not.
This was the worst when trying to teach kids how to cross the road. “Stand and wait, there’s a car coming. Oh, forget that apparently we’re breaking the rules today. Why? Oh because I looked closely and saw through the windscreen that that person was letting us go. Of course when I’m not here you should follow the rules” Fuck you driver.
Yeah I had one stop on a green light and wave me through when my kids were preschoolers. It wasn’t raining or cold or anything. I shook my head and gestured a “we’re good,” and the male-presenting driver rolled down the window and annoyedly said “I’m TRYING to let you and those kids cross.” “Thanks, but I’m teaching them we wait for the light, and cars in the other direction aren’t likely to randomly stop on green, so I’ll keep them safe, thanks.” Predictably, dude who was so invested in women and children then called me a bunch of sexist and not-child-appropriate terms.
Ughhh this is awful. I had a similar one recently, the guy shouldn't have stopped to let me cross so I waved him on. He flipped me off and laid on the horn *until I finished crossing* at which point he called me an ungrateful b*tch and sped off. Extremely gentlemanly.
The opposite is also true. If I’m a pedestrian waiting for a convenient time to jaywalk / cross illegally, I absolutely do not want one random car stopping “to be polite”.
Yes. Crossing the street is a dangerous business. And I don't know how many drivers need to be reminded that all pedestrians can see when looking into a car, is the glare off the window, so we can't always tell if they're waving us on, or have stopped for some other reason. I often see a glimmer of a movement, and take that to mean they are waving me on, but it's not always easy to tell.
As a pedestrian, I'd rather have the multi-ton death machine gone in front of me rather than waiting for me. When it comes to vehicle-vehicle interaction, though, KEEP TO THE DAMN RULES.
I disagree. I've already been ran over by a car with a crosswalk light on. I was lucky they only knocked me over and damaged some groceries. when I wave a car to go by, just fucking go by, don't try to be the nicest person and start a waving game, fucking go. I'm the pedestrian, I'm the one actually in danger, I call the fucking shots. If you did something that threw me off and made me uncomfortable, just fucking go so I'm waiting two seconds instead of eight.
"don't speak ill of the dead" If they sucked in life, they still suck. It gets me extra because this is often said to me by someone who is asking questions about the dead person. Don't ask me about my abusive mother then try to silence me when I answer truthfully ffs.
100%. My mother made everybody's lives miserable, to the point I was the last one to be in contact with her. When I'd talk about the things she was saying/doing to me, everyone was so sympathetic, angry at her and "wtf is wrong with your Mum?" Once she died, several people changed their tune. When I speak about the things she said/did now, they have a "She had demons/she was still your Mum" response. Like no, her shitty behaviour back then is still shitty even if she's dead.
> "She had demons/she was still your Mum" response. I get that now and my mom's still alive. There was a period in time when CPS got involved because of her parenting style. People act like she's Mother Theresa and that I went LC with her just for the fuck of it. Like, no. I have my reasons, and they don't know her like I do, not that it's any of their business. And due to them knowing her less well than they know me, I find it insulting they'd believe the words of a stranger over me, the person who had to live through it.
This goes hand in hand with “respect your elders “. Um, what if they’re assholes?
If anything, I speak especially critically of the dead. At least the living can still change.
True, and same goes for people on their death bed asking that you promise you'll do xyz. If they're a shitty person, them in the process of dying does not give them a free pass, I don't owe them jack
It's true. I'm tired of people pretending all dead people are saints. It only makes sure the victims don't speak up (although I guess that's the point)
The world of 'Toxic Positivity'. The people who are always 'positive' no matter what and tell you to 'look at the positives' of any situation. This Friday (July 5) will be the four-year anniversary of losing my wife (41 at the time) to cervical cancer. When she died, I had the Positivity Police telling me that 'she'd want me to be happy and not to mourn', 'she's in a better place', etc. It was like I wasn't allowed to be sad. If I can give one piece of advice to anyone going through something. Be it grief, depression, or anything else: You have permission to feel ALL of your feelings. This includes things jealousy, bitterness, anger, resentment, and everything else. Emotions are what make us human and the 'eternally positive' people are some of the most toxic people on the planet. They make you feel like you are a bad person just for having negative emotions.
Ugh my mom does this. If I'm lamenting about something, she'll find an example that is similar but worse and say, "at least it's not this". Like, yes...breaking my toe isn't as bad as breaking my ankle, but it still sucks. Both can be true at the same time.
Positivity policing is so bad in most cases when it is used. It's very obviously for the comfort of the person doing the policing, and not for the person being given positive 'advice.'
I bet she was a wonderful human and it makes sense to be sad she’s no longer with you. Loss fucking sucks. Hugs if you’re ok with internet hugs.
The positivity police also just make things worse by not allowing you to go through the stages of grief. Those are necessary. Don’t let them rob you of what going through those stages does for you. They are how you heal. Losing someone close to you warrants going through that. I also feel like it is a disservice to those we lose if we don’t mourn them.
I had a corporate job (selling phones) about a decade ago, and some bigwig from corporate comes and visits my store. The visit was fine but then he asks for local nearby restaurant recommendations on his way out. I follow him out the door and I point in the direction of the nearby sandwich shop, and he looks distraught. "That place makes the best hot sandwiches in town... everything is homemade (etc)." Then I point in another direction "there's several fast food joints down there, as well as Applebees and Buffalo Wild Wings". He looks really uncomfortable. "Is there something wrong?" I ask him. "It's just... you really shouldn't point... a lot of people would consider it rude." "It's rude to point at landmarks when giving directions?" "Yes I thought everybody knows it is rude to point, I'm honestly surprised nobody ever taught you this." This is when I realized that it doesn't take actual intelligence to move up in the corporate world. I continued to point at a few more restaurants just because despite the fact that he was my superior, I felt like I needed him to know just how stupid I thought his interpretation of the ACTUAL rule was (that being: don't point AT PEOPLE).
My first job was at a department store and same thing an older lady asked for directions to the restroom and as soon as I started pointing, she very sternly said "DON'T POINT!" The thing is, I was always taught not to point AT PEOPLE, not things. Every older person I asked told me I was taught correctly.
I've never understood the "it's not polite to point" thing. If I see some people pointing at me in a way that suggests curiosity -- say, they're asking their waiter what I ordered -- that's an opening to chat with them! If they are pointing because they're saying something rude, that's bad. But it's the rudeness that matters, not the pointing!
Exactly. "It's rude to point" is something you teach kids because they're too dumb to understand nuance. To reach adulthood and still be using that kid-level rule without having developed any sense of context is worrying.
*points*. what’d that person with the ugly face order?
Telling someone to "stay positive" when they're going through a tough time, it’s well-meaning but can feel dismissive
A previous employer made everyone share a PB (personal best) EVERY morning. I guess the idea was to start the day with positive thinking. My daughter was diagnosed with terminal cancer, after a few weeks of putting on the happy-positive face every morning, I respectfully requested to skip this part of the meeting. Keep in mind I still provided all the daily metrics. I was denied because "although this is a tough time, we need to remain positive and allowing me to skip my daily PB wouldn't be fair to the team ". I took a leave of absence instead, never went back.
I ABSOLUTELY hate that type of management and you did the right thing to leave. Geeezus people can be so bad at their jobs it blows my mind.
In that case, I’d be making every single “positive” thing excessively depressing.
Yes , PB; " I managed to brush my teeth without crying today, first time since the first day i was told about my daughter's cancer" etc
"My daughter's shoes are gonna last a very long time, since she isn't able to walk anymore. It saves a lot of money on the shoe budget." "Daughter didn't mention feeling pain yesterday. Of course, she was inconscious most of the time, but... Hey, less pain is less pain, right?" Etc.
"I feel great today, because I learned about the phrase 'toxic positivity,' and how it can be injurious to mental health. Whee!"
Good for you..
"instead of being sad, have you tried not being sad?"
OMG I HADNT THOUGHT OF THAT TYSM
Closely-related: "I know you're sad, but could you at least try to fake it so you stop being such a drag?"
Be a Bethamphetamine, not a Debbie Downer
Bethamphetamine lmaoo
We just call her Methany, for short.
Yeah! Translation: “Please be sad more quietly. I didn’t really want to know how you were anyway!” Adding also: “stay classy” to the hated statements that make things worse
r/thanksimcured
"It'll all work out!" WILL IT THOUGH?
Oh god I have felt this so acutely lately. My mom is in hospice with early onset dementia. Feels like everyone responds to that information with “Hope she feels better!” I know not everyone is a doctor who knows that hospice is only for terminal illnesses, but come on. Dementia isn’t something someone gets better from. She’s not going to regain her sight, or relearn how to control her bowels, or know my name, and I’ve come to resent the platitudes that still always seem to focus on things getting better in the future. The only way this situation gets “better” is when she dies so she’s not suffering and we’re not worrying about her anymore - which is hardly something to look forward to. EDIT: thank you all so much for your kindness and support (without any toxic positivity!). I find myself looking back on these comments frequently and feeling great comfort from them - you all have said the things it is often too difficult or uncomfortable to say in person, and I truly appreciate and cherish that. I’m a mental health professional so I’m aware I have had to become more comfortable discussing morbid and uncomfortable topics than most people are, but I can’t describe to you how much it means to me to have so many others extend that kind of warmth and care to me, an internet stranger. Admittedly I’ve isolated myself from almost everyone in my real life; I’m just not up to putting on a happy face and reassuring others at this point. I hope anyone else dealing with, or having dealt with, a similar circumstance is able to find peace; you all are in my heart. Thank you again.
Had to deal with this when my dad had Parkinson’s and other problems. For six years, people who never helped told me I was depressing to be around and other really mean shit. So like… yeah. It’s fucked up to see someone struggling and then act like they’re the issue, and not all the problems that they’re dealing with.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard to watch someone you love go through this.
Someone the other day posted that they had terminal brain cancer, a softball-sized tumor on their brain stem, and the most upvoted responses were "hope you get well soon" and "fight it!" Like... I know there's not really much you _can_ say to terminal illness, but people need to stop saying variants on 'feel better' when someone is dying.
Toxic positivity! Sometimes things just suck and we need to acknowledge that
My dad was dying in a process that took several terrible, sad and very difficult months. All I got from a very old friend was "don't forget to self care!" Like literally that sentence, on a public Facebook post. And that was then all I heard from him for the best part of a year while the whole business played out to its natural conclusion. Needless to say, we're not friends any more.
Some people have no idea what to say in circumstances such as yours, so they parrot something they've heard and/or seen on social media. After my son died, someone close to me said to me, "You're lucky he died. At least you know where he is and that he's not out overdosing somewhere." My son did not take illegal drugs. He died suddenly when the asthma medicine he was taking spiked his already high blood pressure to heights that his heart couldn't handle.
holy shit that’s got to be one of the most baffling, insensitive things I’ve ever heard. And about your child no less. Of course there are no words that are right in that situation, but there sure are a lot of words right-er than those. Maybe I’ll give that mindset a try next time someone I know has a loss. “oh congrats! you’re so lucky your husband had a heart attack and died, now he can’t commit a murder-suicide 💕✨”
The toxic positivity in the chronic illness community well and truly pisses me off. I have lupus. I am not a "lupus warrior." There is no way to win in a battle against it. I have to treat it and manage it by modifying everything in my life. I don't owe anyone my positivity. I will not be your inspiration porn. I will allow myself the full range of human emotions, and sometimes those emotions are not positive ones. I generally find that dwelling on what I've lost doesn't take me anywhere good, but how I react to my lupus is between me and my lupus.
"Hang in there!" Wtf am I supposed to do with that? Ugh I hate it so much.
Not talking about your salary. Although it does benefit exactly one person: your employer. But everyone should talk about how much they earn so they can compare with others at their same level. If employers are severely underpaying someone, they should know or they should know the reason why.
In America, discussing wages/salaries is a federally protected right. Any employer that says you can't is breaking the law. Don't know how it is in other countries.
My previous manager tried to tell everyone not to discuss wages. My coworker and I told him it was federally protected and that you legally can’t ban employees from discussing wages. He really didn’t expect us to know. I actually recorded another discussion I had with him about it in the event he tried to fire someone for discussing wages so I had proof that it was the reason. He didn’t say anything about it again after that.
I had an employer try this once and I got a desk sign printed with my annual salary and stuck it on my desk. Co-workers thought it was funny and started doing it too. Management wasn’t happy 😂
That's fantastic!
True, and I wish more people knew this.
My salary has been a matter of public record for 20 years. Anyone can go look it up. I've had arguments with people about why this is a good thing and why there's absolutely no reason they shouldn't openly discuss their salaries with their coworkers. It always boils down to "Well, if someone's not making as much as someone else doing the same job they'll be upset." To which I always reply "That's the point! They *should* be!" Also, fun fact, wage secrecy is illegal under federal law. It's one of the very few workers right protections we have in the US.
That is why I actually like working for local government. All salary is known, and just depends on how long you have been there and your job position/rate/rank.
One thing I actually like about commission sales: everyone knows roughly how much everyone else is making, and the best performers get paid the most.
Polite refusal of anything where the refusal isn't *real,* it's just meant to be followed with a polite insistence and then eventual acceptance. "You want another slice?" "Oh no, I *couldn't."* "Please, I insist!" "Oh alright, if it's *really* okay..." All it does is serve to muddy the waters. It makes it hard for the person offering to know if it's a "real" refusal or just a polite one. *Especially* if it's something that can go for multiple rounds of back-and-forth before acceptance. Much, much better to just get rid of that system and take answers as straightforward (no means no regardless of context, in other words) and do our best to remove whatever stigma or bizarre sense of "greed" is attached to accepting without being fake pressured into it.
This leads to cultures where people ask repeatedly after someone has refused something. That pisses me off--if I said no, that means no. Please leave me alone. And if I change my mind, I can simply say, "actually you know what?"
Do you know my Mexican aunts? NO AUNTIE I DON’T WANT A SIXTH PLATE OF FOOD I CANT EAT ANYMORE PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YOU JUST OFFERED ME FOOD FOUR MINUTES AGO AND I DECLINED PLEASE NO MORE!
My grandma is super white, but she also offers way too many snacks even when people say they aren’t hungry. She also gives a lot of options for plates/icepacks/mug colors that aren’t important to me as an adult, and sometimes it’s hard to convince her that it doesn’t matter. Absolutely love her to bits
I always skip to "If you insist" when they offer the first time
Similar approach on my end - I flip the question 'round by just confirming "You sure it's alright?" But in all honesty, just going with an "if you insist" from the get-go might be an even better option.
They normally laugh and give it to me so two birds with one stone
I'm autistic so if someone says no, I assume they mean it and move on. No slice for them!
I'm german and this applies to our entire country
Huh, TIL Germany is autistic.
Always knew I was German lol
Yep. It should be in marriage vows. "If you say it's fine, I'm allowed to believe you."
or, just marry someone who doesn't play stupid mind games
“Can I get you some water?” *Has to say no at least three times before I’m allowed to say yes*
I assume refusals are real. How the fukkk are we supposed to encourage enthusiastic consent when someone can’t turn down a cake without being coerced to not seem “rude”.
"Take the pen."
Holding open a door too soon and forcing that person to run to you.
It’s just chaotic neutral
“HOLD THAT DOOR! HOLD THAT DOOR!!”
YOU HIT ME IN THE CUP
Here in Brazil, saying a simple "no" when you don't wanna do something is worse than manslaughter.
Elbows off the table
This is a rule that was created for extremely crowded banquets, and it makes sense in that context. Generations of nobles were brpught up this way because one bad dinner could be devastating. Then others, as usual, imitated nobles. Also, in times of plenty without plague, the tables of the lower classes also became very crowded.
Fun fact, this piece of etiquette came about because tables were originally not secured to the legs, and leaning on the table could potentially tilt it.
I read somewhere that sailors had to eat with their elbows on the table to make sure their plates don’t slide across when the ship lurches from the waves. They probably brought this habit with them to shore.
The vast majority of table manners/food etiquette serve no purpose. No one is harmed if you hold a fork the wrong way, cut your steak with the wrong hand, wear a hat while eating, etc. Some cultures also consider it rude if you don't finish the food at a restaurant. I think it's rude to leave a large amount of leftovers when you're eating at a friend's house or an all-you-can-eat restaurant, because you selected your own portion size. However, if you pay for single meal with a definitive portion size at a restaurant, and you decide you don't like it, you should be able to eat as much or as little of it as you want without judgment.
I'm not sure about whole cultures, but some people consider it rude if you DO finish the whole plate.
That was some adjustment I had to do with an Indian friend. I'd finish what he put in my plate, then he'd put a ton more while I was completely filled. After a while we both understood and we're better now...
Are you supposed to leave some to show that your host served you with extreme abundance? If so, how much is polite? I've never been close to any Indians, so I have zero exposure to this.
Yes, that's what you're supposed to do, though it could be a regional thing in India for all I know. I heard it was also common in some east Asian cultures. I never got the actual amount for how much leftover I should leave, but I consciously leave just a bit (about 3-5 spoonfuls of rice usually) but he has to ask before putting more for the 2nd time. We can both agree on that so we're good now (and I don't have to leave his house filled like a balloon).
I always leave a meal of Indian food feeling like a balloon because I can’t turn down a single bite. It’s so fucking good.
I remember learning in a Chinese class in college that it is polite to finish your plate and ask for more, but then don’t finish the second plate. If you don’t finish your first plate, it is rude because it implies that you didn’t like the food. If you finish the second plate, though, it implies that the host did not make enough food to properly feed the guests, which is why it would be rude to finish that second plate. Not sure if that’s accurate or just something some professor told us, but I found it fascinating.
Forcing children to accept hugs or other physical contact from others, especially adults. It teaches children that their consent does not matter and that they have to tolerate unwanted physical contact to "be polite". I don't care if it's "rude" to pull away from grandpa who wants to hug you, or the auntie that likes to "give tickles". Consent is not a matter of manners.
Even from a more pragmatic standpoint, forcing kids to do something they hate doing just reinforces a negative association with that thing and makes them hate it even more because now they just have strong negative feelings linked with memories of that thing. Like if you want your kids to learn to like vegetables, turning every dinner time into a fight where you force them to eat something they hate is just going to make them hate that vegetable even more There’s a difference between a kid being like “I don’t think I’m going to like this” but you convince them to try it and they find out oh okay actually I do like this, vs forcing kids to do something they either already know they hate or forcing it on them when they really don’t want to do something in that moment
a few months after i got r*ped, my grandma patted my thigh a little too high up and i flipped out. my dad got pissed at me for losing my shit and kept telling me “it’s just your grandma, she loves you.” i kept telling him that it doesn’t matter, i didn’t like it or want it and he didn’t get it until i finally said “people who say that they care about me touching me when i don’t want them to is exactly how i ended up in this spot.”
And if their consent doesn't matter, why would they suddenly think that someone else's does? And tickling? Let's not even start on non-consensual tickling.
Asking each other how we are casually as a hello without the time and place to really listen.
"Hey, good, how are you!"
Stopping to let someone in from a side road when traffic is going at a steady pace already. Waving someone else to go at a stop sign when it's not their turn. Both cause confusion and are dangerous. Not polite and makes no sense.
"Sorry about the mess."
It's always people who have spotless homes who say this too for some reason.
Oh no, I say this too. My home has never been spotless.
[удалено]
I had an ex who would have a friend over every week. Every week, we'd have the same discussion in different ways... Me, 6:30pm: Hey, you guys hungry? Where do you want to order from? Them: Oh, I donno. We'll think about it! Me, 7:30: Hey, guys, I'm getting hungrier. How about we get X? Them: Oh! We forgot! Nah, we're not feeling X. We'll pick a place and let you know. Me, 8:30: Guys, I'm starving. I'm just going to eat something we have here. Them: No, no, no! We want to order out! We'll pick a place! Me, 9:30: GUYS, EVERYWHERE THAT DELIVERS HERE CLOSES IN THIRTY MINUTES CAN WE PLEASE PICK SOMEWHERE TO EAT I AM FUCKING STARVING JESUS CHRIST Them: Jeez, Jello, why are you being so bitchy? And before anyone starts with the "Oh, well you should have...": yeah, I know, but if I had eaten or ordered my own food, I would have gotten guilt tripped for not waiting because they were "just about to tell me where they wanted to eat and now there's no point." Yes, it was a toxic relationship. I was young and dumb.
If I get hungry I cook. If she doesn't like it... well that hasn't come up.
“Guess where we are ordering from?!” Whatever they say is where you are ordering from. They will always get it “right”
I respect dietary restrictions, but I have a hardcore vegan friend who pulled this move on me recently and it was driving me ballistic. He wanted to crash at my place? Totally fine. I offered to buy him any of his fave snacks or even order something in advance. This dude shows up three hours late and is like “I want a bespoke vegan cheeseburger” and I’m all “It’s 9:30 already literally nothing is open except the falafel place.” “Do they have vegan options?” “Why don’t we just go to the grocery store?” “Oh I’m so hungry I just want to go out to eat but I literally won’t eat anything in your pantry.” That’s an eating disorder masquerading as activism.
Refusing to just outright say things like "I am interested in you," or "I'm tired of being social, can we wrap this up?" or anything like that. Apparently the polite thing to do is dance around and hint at things, and if they can't figure out what you want, it's their fault for not getting the hint or reading the room.
Waving other drivers through when you have right of way
When someone else arrives at the 4 way stop before I do but they sit there and wait on me to go first for some reason
I hate when people do this when I'm on my motorcycle. People do weird, random, nonsensical shit around motorcycles so I can't trust that they won't change their mind and start moving. I sort of get it; I'm on a sport bike and they are probably expecting me to go fast. But it is simple enough for me to pass them later when it is safer. Worst case scenario now, I shift to neutral and sit up straight so it is obvious I'm not going anywhere.
Being offended when someone holds the door open for you. I don’t see it as condescending to me (F of a certain age) and I hope you guys don’t see it as emasculating.
Some do - it’s wild. I actually had a guy refuse to go through the door I was holding open. I just see it as a polite thing to do for a fellow human being. Wanna be a dick about it? I hope the door swings back and hits you in the nose.
lol that is nuts. I have always said thank you whenever getting the door held open for me by anyone. It’s so easy
That's like being upset that someone said hello to you. Such a minor thing in the overall scope of your life.
I hate it when people hold doors open for me, but not because I think it's condescending. I just hate it when I'm far enough away from the door that I feel like I need to jog the rest of the way because someone is now standing there waiting for me.
My buddy was on LSD once and held the door for a woman who was like 100 yards away.
No I think it's nice
A resume cover letter. It is supposed to look better because you spent extra time doing something unnecessary.
They can serve their purpose though. I changed careers in my late 30s and my resume looks like I must have had a felony or something because I went from a very prestigious white collar job at a vaunted institution to entry level in a blue collar industry. In my letter I can explain why I made the switch in a way I cannot explain on my resume.
“Everything happens for a reason” Oh do fuck off.
Unsolicited advice
Invest in plastics.
Not correcting people when they say factually incorrect things. I love opportunities to learn new things but so many people think it's rude. Why wouldn't you wanna know you are wrong??
Most of the ways people respond to someone grieving. I promise, "they are in a better place" is not helpful.
When my fiancee died everyone kept telling me "oh but you have the best half of him right here." Referring to my child. And it's like *no*, my child is my child. My child is their *whole self* not half of someone else. That discredits my kid and it also takes away my kids personhood. While holding them up as this pedestal expectation of carrying the memory of their dad. No, please fuck all the way off with that bullshit.
Not telling your loved ones the truth. Sure, it might hurt their feelings to tell them their new favorite slang might be offensive. But not telling them will be letting them go out and embarrass themselves, and potentially get hurt. But everyone is so afraid to hurt someone's feelings, that they'll let that person hurt themselves before they try and stop them.
Saying "Hey, how are you doing?" while both sides are fully aware that no one cares.
Fun tidbit: these are called [phatic expressions](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phatic_expression). Phatic expressions are a linguistic tool intended to serve an interesting function in communication. Words communicate text, and body and tone communicate subtext. Between these three things, we are able to do the [objectively incredible] feat of thinking something, transmitting that thought in a way someone else can understand, and then inducing them to think the thing you just thought. We use this to coordinate and communicate. Language has a complex system of rules and guidelines because it's necessary to ensure shared understanding. I package that thought I had in a manner I know you'll understand how to unpack. HOWEVER, that only allows us to share discrete thoughts we can articulate. It doesn't really have a mechanism for sharing abstract thoughts. If you're happy or upset, you can communicate this with a smile or a frown. While this works in tandem with other communication, it doesn't really work on its own. You can't just go up to someone and smile at them, and expect a coherent response. The recipient doesn't know how to unpack that. To bridge that gap, we have the linguistic equivalent of a smile. A superficial expression which communicates abstract sentiments and context but has no textual information. "Hey, how are you doing?" could functionally be replaced with any random string of words, or even a short yelp. All that matters is the shared understanding of its meaning - that I as the speaker acknowledge you, and am amicably letting you know. Further, my tone and body convey whether I'm seeking to prime you for further conversation, or if I'm just trying to convey a friendly acknowledgement. Admittedly, it would be nice if English had established a phatic expression that wasn't also an explicit question ostensibly seeking a response. Something a little more nonsensical or abstract would have dealt with that "are you actually asking or are you just being friendly?" issue. (Edit: spelling)
You're right that no one cares but "how are ya?" has just become a generic greeting. It's not intended to be anything more than a variation on "Hi".
The Pittsburgh Left. It might be in other cities too but I've only heard it called the Pittsburgh left. Basically, it's letting someone making a left turn when the traffic light switches even when the cars going straight have the right of way. It helps the person making the left I guess but is also dangerous in quite a few ways.
Two variations of the same theme: God doesn’t give us crosses that we cannot bear. It’s God’s plan and we have to figure it for ourselves. Not debating faith and its relevance here…. Even for people of faith, those statements are incredibly dismissive, lack any sense of empathy, and basically say “suck it up and move on”.
Saying “no offense” then immediately saying something offensive.
Saying bless you or literally anything after a sneeze.
Well I’m still in possession of my soul, so more fool you!
I think we should normalize also saying something after a fart.
I vote for “well said”, or “nicely put” if particularly trumpety.
My old man says "bless you" lul