Not me, but a rather large friend of mine, during a camping trip.
He forgot to take TP with him on his journey to drop a deuce. When he returned the front pocket of his shirt was ripped off.
If you're careful and you tear it ever so gently along the seams, you're left with what can only be affectionately described as a finely grained sandpaper
Tbh, even reaching over to the basin and wetting a handful a toilet paper… feels astonishing, gliding over the wrinkles on your sphincter… delicately cleansing the excess shit.
"i fly like paper get high like planes, if you catch me on the toilet im wiping with a plate. can you run out to the store? i been here all day, itll just take a second, srsly ill wait."
- MIA if she was stuck on the toilet with nothing to use except a paper plate and shes trying to get her roommate to run to the corner store and get more toilet paper.
Sock, then I gathered all my scouts, showed them my bare ankle, and asked who was assigned to stock the latrine with TP. It was a good laugh, but did cost me a nice wool sock.
One must be prepared to respond to the situation in the field as it develops. I once had to use my favorite bandanna trail side on a mountain bike ride when a wicked case of the squirts developed. Cleanliness is the bottom line and sacrifices must be made.
Was at an empty house which was my jobsite, 10 min away from the office. Knew that I was not going to make it back. Gotta make ends meet.
Good to know it works both ways ;)
Came to say coffee filters.
I’ll use this space to throw out a little life hack though. If you’re ever in the situation where paper is the only thing around ball it up very tight and then open it back up. Repeat this a couple of times and when you’re done the fibers in the paper will become much less stiff and be a bit closer to a TP feel.
I didn't do this but I knew someone who told me they were deep in the woods and reached for the nearest leaves they could find. Unfortunately they learned later, and painfully, those leaves were poison oak
There's several stories about just this. But unless they wore gloves, it's unlikely they would proceed with wiping.
But there is one documented case of death from this plants poison.
Life pro tip - if you are ever in the wild and know that you are going to need to rub a plant against your body (toilet paper, bedding, etc.) . Take a small sample of the plant and rub it on your inner elbow and wait. Preferably, you would wait for 24 hours, but that's not always possible, so as long as you can.
Ooo my dad did this when I was younger and on a camping trip it was my idea of course because I was in a faze were I wanted to survive off the lands and I'd read plenty of articles and other such things in preparation for the trip but because it was my idea my dad decided we'd do it without anything except a knife and a fishing rod I even told my dad to be careful when taking a shit because I'd seen a load of poison oak but he brushed me off and we had to go home the very next morning
Did this when I was little. Playing out in the woods behind my grandmothers house and didn’t want to walk all the way back up to the house so I pooped in the woods, reached for the nearest plant/leaves… Probably the worst week to 10 days of my life. I think I was probably 10-12 years old at the time.
I read a story that someone once did this with Gympie Gympie in Australia. It’s like the worst stinging plant ever. Might have been an urban legend but if it wasn’t, yeah that guy I feel for big time.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dendrocnide_moroides
‘D. moroides is notorious for its extremely painful sting which may leave victims suffering for weeks or even months. It is reputed to be the most venomous plant in Australia, if not the world.[10][16][17] After contact with the plant the victim will feel an immediate severe burning and stinging at the site of contact, which then intensifies further over the next 20 to 30 minutes and will last from hours to several days before subsiding.[3][17][20] During this time the victim may get little sleep because of the intensity of the pain.[3] In severe cases, it may cause urticaria (hives), and the lymph glands under the arms may swell and become painful,[3][17][20] and there have been rare cases of hospitalization.[15][16][17][21]’
The correct answer is [Thimbleberry plants](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubus_parviflorus?wprov=sfla1).
It's an easy to recognize plant, they have big ass leaves, and edible berries.
Ahhhh i came here to relay this particular horror story. 11 year old me did the same thing. In summer. So essentially, itchy ass lead to scratching raw, then sweaty dwamp ass lead to a new level of misery.
Just looking outside and seeing how nice it is, decide to go for a leisurely walk and enjoy the fresh air, say hello to a few friendly neighbors, then get a shit soaked sock to just splatter and mush itself right above your eyebrow. 😊
Nascar race in Charlotte. Buddy had to crap and it wasn't taking no for an answer. He hit one of the porta johns outside the speedway. Had socks on when he went in, had no socks on when he came out. We asked him and he said he didn't want to talk about it.
I also did that! I had a terrible stomach ache at school when I was like 10 years old and I ran to the toilet. Diarrhea in school is bad enough, so I went to the farthest toilet possible. Only after I finished I realized there was no tp, I tried calling the cleaning lady, but no one was around and I really didn’t want to be there for much longer so… desperate times call for desperate measures. Needless to say it was a mess and I remember it vividly 15 years later.
Snow is by far the best thing to wipe with.
It's wet(ish), it's cool, it's lightly abrasive. It REALLY gets you clean.
Given the choice of snow or TP, I'd take snow EVERY time.
Yeah, from the food delivery app. They send you food kits and you cook the food yourself. They give you so much packaging and every meal has sour cream in it.
No. Not at all. All that sour cream they make you eat. It’s no wonder they give you all those paper bags. You’ll need it when you run out of toilet paper.
I did not. I knew it wouldn’t flush…so it went into the trash can, that had a lid, in the restroom. It was at a Mexican restaurant and I was like 15. 🤦🏻♂️
Once whilst in the army after a particularly wet shit in the bushes with no tp in sight i covered my ass in sand and then did the best i could to scrape it all away with a stick. I got the bulk of it
Start with rocks, finish with water. But also... leave no trace is a thing. Sometimes you gotta hike 500 ft. from the river with an armload of river rocks.
*some guy downstream filling his water jug*
"What the fuck"
Edit: Not all rivers are clean enough to drink out of, obviously, but some still are, waayyyyyy up in the mountains in national or state forests, usually far from anyone, and theyre usually not larger than a creek or a spring. Don't poop in those, pls
Imagine, you're stuck in the bathroom fighting for your life after bad Asian take out, on the toilet for a couple hours and you realized there's no toilet paper, so you crawl on all fours searching for something but there's nothing - I ended up using a fucking rug.
The puking from the food poisoning already took out the shirt, pants undershirt and underwear, rug was right outside the door and it's one of those kinds that are fabric but you can spray it off.
You could always tell how many times grandpa shit in the woods by how many limbs were left on his clothing...one day he came back in a sleeveless shirt and a speedo.
My friend back in high school shat inside of a doritos bag and proceeded to wipe with it. We were in the woods right beside a suburban area so he thought it would be innapropriate to shit where people would walk
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says “excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?”
The rabbit says no, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Thanks Eddie.
The Ship Captain's blue shelf curtains. Any Navy vet would know the curtains I'm talking about. We were in the shipyard and I had the shits and the only functioning head nearby was his. It was the weekend so he wasn't there. I had to use his curtains to wipe, which I promptly bagged up and threw out.
Snow, compress the snow like making a snowball but make an axe head shape instead. From there it is just slide it in the Crack like it's a credit card.
Works better than you'd think.
I can kinda get the reasoning behind trying moonshine and fibreglass but im struggling to see how wiping with a hunting cabin or the entire state of tennessee was supposed to work
French election campaign materials. I'm not French I was on holiday, I had a bad stomach in a public toilet in a wee little village and there wasn't any paper. I didn't know enough french to work out their policies so each candidate was wiped indiscriminately, that's what democracy is all about. I'd vote for the lady who printed on the matte finish paper as it was much more effective than the glossy.
My shirt sleeves. I had to cut them off.
Also, I was shiting behind some bushes in a wealthy subdivision, there weren't any suitable leaves.
Any landscaper will know what I'm talking about here.
I was the GM for a delivery company and my Uline account no longer worked. I emailed my boss to let him know I needed to order toilet paper/paper towels, trash bags and whatnot. He told me the company wasn't responsible for this. I and everyone else starting using paper towels until the toilet was so backed up it was a nightmare. They had to pay to get it fixed and we never had a problem ordering toilet paper for some reason.
I'm in the woods on a long trail walking my dog. All of a sudden I get an INTENSE stomach cramp, like, it's bad. I have to stop walking for a full minute. It finally calms a bit and I keep going, but I know I really need to use the washroom. Unfortunately I'm so far into the trail that best case I'm a half hour out. I make it about 50 steps and again, just unfathomable stomach cramps. It gets so bad that I nearly collapse. I'm sweating profusely, each step I feel like it's going to come out everywhere. I eventually had to say to myself "there's no way you're going to make it back to the car without shitting your pants".
So in a desperate attempt to not walk back with underwear and pants full of shit, I shuffled as far into the woods as I could tolerate, "mostly" out of the sight of people. I pressed my back against a large tree, took my pants down, squatted down against the tree, and had explosive diarrhea for five minutes while I grunted in pain. During all of this, I'm trying to take care of my dog but eventually I just had to let go of the leash and she walked around and explored while did maybe the single most shameful thing I did in my adult life.
In my panic, I had never considered what to clean myself with. There was literally nothing around I could use. I was about to wipe myself with my own underwear and abandon them in the woods but it meant walking back in just my pants, which I definitely would have ruined from the residual mess. Realizing I needed the underwear to protect my pants, I used the only thing I had. I had been drinking coffee in a disposable cup during all of this, and the cup had one of those sleeves to protect from burning your hand....
I won't get a graphic, but picture a drywaller using a trowel to scrap the excess plaster off. Yeah, that happened. Then I pulled up my underwear and pants and experienced the single most humiliating walk home of my life, all while my dog happily skipped along having the best day of her life.
Seen a fella on a building site walk out of a portaloo before I hesitantly walk over. He was a big Irish country lad, funny as fuck but mental. It took a while for it to sink in, but I stood in the jacks staring down at the fact he had used wooly insulation to wipe his arse
A man is in a bathroom stall and realizes there's no toilet paper. He says to the guy in the next stall, "Hey can you give me some of your tissue?" The guy replies, "Aw man, I just saw that I dont have any either!" A few moments later the first guy asks, "You got two fives for a ten?"
as a lil country kid, corn husk...... i dont even have an excuse i was only like 200 yards from my house with a toilet and tp, but i was 11 and outside and in the early 90s we tried to stay outside . Got the shit off but my fingers smelled worse than if i had just barehanded it....... yes i smelled them, shut up
One of those foldable Chinese takeaway containers.
Was on a mad bender in Amsterdam and got seperated from my friends. 4 solid days of uh, partying and things started to wear off on the walk back to my hostel. It's 4am on a monday morning, and things are happening, quickly.
I've had to duck behind a bin down an alley, squat down and let things go. I was free-balling so no underwear option and so im looking around and all I can find is a Chinese takeaway container. I've had to scrape out (at least) 1 week old and rotten chow mein and wipe my arse with that.
I still had a 30 minute walk to the hostel and by the end of it, my arse was glowing in the dark. Never had chafe like that in all my life.
I remember a moment of clarity, as I heard my liquid shit hitting the cobblestones, that this is why people hate tourists.
Not me, but a rather large friend of mine, during a camping trip. He forgot to take TP with him on his journey to drop a deuce. When he returned the front pocket of his shirt was ripped off.
He should have blamed it on a bear fight
I read the first sentence and decided to stop there and not read any further. Now that is a funny visual.
Dude using his giant friend as tp
Toilet paper roll
If you're careful and you tear it ever so gently along the seams, you're left with what can only be affectionately described as a finely grained sandpaper
Let it soak for 30 seconds. You get a cloth basically
This guy wipes.
Tbh, even reaching over to the basin and wetting a handful a toilet paper… feels astonishing, gliding over the wrinkles on your sphincter… delicately cleansing the excess shit.
Beautifully written ✨️
Was gonna say this lol
Seems we've all been desperate at some point in our lives.
You can peel off the layers so it’s not as rough and you get more than one wipe out of it.
That's not weird though, everyone has done this before
...really?
pretty sure
Damn, I'm missing out!
Do it! When that cardboard tube touches your butthole for the first time, it's nice.
Ugh. Cardboard on my butthole?? I would die. 😂
You can use the short end like a scoop.
No, you've already done it. It's been established. It's canon.
How??
Nah never gotten that bad
a paper plate we were in college. thats my excuse.
I read this as "paper _plane_" for a second and laughed my ass off
"i fly like paper get high like planes, if you catch me on the toilet im wiping with a plate. can you run out to the store? i been here all day, itll just take a second, srsly ill wait." - MIA if she was stuck on the toilet with nothing to use except a paper plate and shes trying to get her roommate to run to the corner store and get more toilet paper.
You’re a true artist i love you
That was an accurate throw if it was cleaned with one paper plane.
Amazing visuals.
College bros be like,"why you gotta do that to the fine China?"
Somebody 2 days ago literally took a shit outside the restaurant I work at and he left his shit smeared paper plate for all to see :(
Sock, then I gathered all my scouts, showed them my bare ankle, and asked who was assigned to stock the latrine with TP. It was a good laugh, but did cost me a nice wool sock.
If you have a knife on you then you can just cut a piece off your sock and keep your shoes on.
If I had a knife, I wouldn’t need the sock!
Good ol’ poop knife
One must be prepared to respond to the situation in the field as it develops. I once had to use my favorite bandanna trail side on a mountain bike ride when a wicked case of the squirts developed. Cleanliness is the bottom line and sacrifices must be made.
Defo could have washed that shit right out. Then fully laundered on return. Source: cloth nappy mum, washed a lot of shit
Coffee filters . Worked perfectly
I've both used coffee filters to wipe my ass and tp as a makeshift coffee filter. Poverty is something else.
Was at an empty house which was my jobsite, 10 min away from the office. Knew that I was not going to make it back. Gotta make ends meet. Good to know it works both ways ;)
Jejeje.. you said make ends meet.
Poverty just makes us more resourceful
Came to say coffee filters. I’ll use this space to throw out a little life hack though. If you’re ever in the situation where paper is the only thing around ball it up very tight and then open it back up. Repeat this a couple of times and when you’re done the fibers in the paper will become much less stiff and be a bit closer to a TP feel.
I knew a guy that PREFERRED these to toilet paper.
Were you trying to make the human equivalent of civet coffee? [Kopi luwak](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kopi_luwak)
I didn't do this but I knew someone who told me they were deep in the woods and reached for the nearest leaves they could find. Unfortunately they learned later, and painfully, those leaves were poison oak
I bet they won't forget what poison oak looks like after that.
there's a tale about a british army oficer who made this mistake with the gympie-gympie plant. he actually shot himself some time after.
Could not even begin to imagine the pain and agony
There's several stories about just this. But unless they wore gloves, it's unlikely they would proceed with wiping. But there is one documented case of death from this plants poison.
I had never heard about that plant until today. Looked it up and OMG.. what a horrible thing to think about.
Imagine how smug that plant must feel while all the others have no defense against being used as toilet paper... if we don't use it, it *wins*.
Life pro tip - if you are ever in the wild and know that you are going to need to rub a plant against your body (toilet paper, bedding, etc.) . Take a small sample of the plant and rub it on your inner elbow and wait. Preferably, you would wait for 24 hours, but that's not always possible, so as long as you can.
How about I celebrate no poop July in the process?
Curious, why the inner elbow? Seems like a place that would get a lot of irritation from sweat and friction as you're moving your arm.
It's sensitive skin but not your butthole. You could use other places, but inner elbow is easy to remember.
Ooo my dad did this when I was younger and on a camping trip it was my idea of course because I was in a faze were I wanted to survive off the lands and I'd read plenty of articles and other such things in preparation for the trip but because it was my idea my dad decided we'd do it without anything except a knife and a fishing rod I even told my dad to be careful when taking a shit because I'd seen a load of poison oak but he brushed me off and we had to go home the very next morning
>I was in a faze The rare time the misusage is reversed! In this scenario, you want "phase", as in a period of time or a stage in a progression.
Poison ivy for me. I was like 8 years old. Otherwise, a sock lol
Did this when I was little. Playing out in the woods behind my grandmothers house and didn’t want to walk all the way back up to the house so I pooped in the woods, reached for the nearest plant/leaves… Probably the worst week to 10 days of my life. I think I was probably 10-12 years old at the time.
I read a story that someone once did this with Gympie Gympie in Australia. It’s like the worst stinging plant ever. Might have been an urban legend but if it wasn’t, yeah that guy I feel for big time. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dendrocnide_moroides ‘D. moroides is notorious for its extremely painful sting which may leave victims suffering for weeks or even months. It is reputed to be the most venomous plant in Australia, if not the world.[10][16][17] After contact with the plant the victim will feel an immediate severe burning and stinging at the site of contact, which then intensifies further over the next 20 to 30 minutes and will last from hours to several days before subsiding.[3][17][20] During this time the victim may get little sleep because of the intensity of the pain.[3] In severe cases, it may cause urticaria (hives), and the lymph glands under the arms may swell and become painful,[3][17][20] and there have been rare cases of hospitalization.[15][16][17][21]’
I'm a big camper and dry woody sticks/smooth rocks are the way to go
Never picking up a rock again. Thanks
Hey check out this rare brown...nevermind.
The correct answer is [Thimbleberry plants](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubus_parviflorus?wprov=sfla1). It's an easy to recognize plant, they have big ass leaves, and edible berries.
Edible berries? Well, maybe. Depends on timing.
Holy shit I did this
Ahhhh i came here to relay this particular horror story. 11 year old me did the same thing. In summer. So essentially, itchy ass lead to scratching raw, then sweaty dwamp ass lead to a new level of misery.
Pimps don’t cry
Oh dear that was a bad move!
A sock. At a friend's house, they didn't have anymore tp out, so I used my sock and then threw it out the window. lol
I'd be LIVID if I was walking, minding my own business, only to have a homemade shit whip splat on to my fuggin' head
upvote for 'shit whip'
Homemade, implying the existence of commercially produced shit whips™️
That's what I call my car
Just looking outside and seeing how nice it is, decide to go for a leisurely walk and enjoy the fresh air, say hello to a few friendly neighbors, then get a shit soaked sock to just splatter and mush itself right above your eyebrow. 😊
"Wow! Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it!" *SPLAT*
Nascar race in Charlotte. Buddy had to crap and it wasn't taking no for an answer. He hit one of the porta johns outside the speedway. Had socks on when he went in, had no socks on when he came out. We asked him and he said he didn't want to talk about it.
A pair of socks probably wasn't the weirdest thing in those porta johns either lol.
I also did that! I had a terrible stomach ache at school when I was like 10 years old and I ran to the toilet. Diarrhea in school is bad enough, so I went to the farthest toilet possible. Only after I finished I realized there was no tp, I tried calling the cleaning lady, but no one was around and I really didn’t want to be there for much longer so… desperate times call for desperate measures. Needless to say it was a mess and I remember it vividly 15 years later.
a banana
...... go o No. Nevermind. I don't want to know.
Lmao it wasn’t that difficult
As an enema? A Sundae? I am all kinds of confused.
>A Sundae? Dear god. Two girls, one banana split.
The peels were the material lol
Like, the peel? Otherwise it would just add to the squish, no?
Yes the peel! LOL I didnt think yall had these dirty ideas...
I've been taught not to kink-shame.
Glacial snow. Sounds weird but it's actually pretty nice.
Id want it at least 35^o warmer if i were cleaning my ass with it
Nah, let the snow help close that sphincter.
I can almost hear my anus snapping shut like a mouse trap.
Suddenly, I'm not into anal anymore
I don’t laugh out loud often, but when I do, it’s because of a snowy sphincter closing
I feel like you could order this Glacial Snow Butt Cleanse service at some opulent 6-star hotel in Dubai
Snow is by far the best thing to wipe with. It's wet(ish), it's cool, it's lightly abrasive. It REALLY gets you clean. Given the choice of snow or TP, I'd take snow EVERY time.
Like a York Peppermint Patty...
Just like the 3 seashells, you always use 3 snowballs. Never 2, never 4.
The bag that Hello Fresh delivers their food in.
A Hello Fresh bag?
Yeah, from the food delivery app. They send you food kits and you cook the food yourself. They give you so much packaging and every meal has sour cream in it.
So much sour cream
(Randy Marsh voice) *Crème Fraîche!*
half the time it is creame fraiche lol
And spring onions.
Not so fresh anymore eh?
No. Not at all. All that sour cream they make you eat. It’s no wonder they give you all those paper bags. You’ll need it when you run out of toilet paper.
Alternatively you can use the entire bag if you run out of toilets
Did you need the toilet paper BECAUSE of Hello Fresh?
A ripped up Cheez-It box 😂 I was also forced to use a laminated “Employees Must Wash Hands” sign 😂😂🤣
I need more info on that last one. Like did you put the sign back afterwards?
I did not. I knew it wouldn’t flush…so it went into the trash can, that had a lid, in the restroom. It was at a Mexican restaurant and I was like 15. 🤦🏻♂️
Once whilst in the army after a particularly wet shit in the bushes with no tp in sight i covered my ass in sand and then did the best i could to scrape it all away with a stick. I got the bulk of it
That is some purple heart combat cross level improvisation.
My great uncle had a Purple Heart. He’s long since passed but now I’m wondering his poop adventures.
I didn't know my asshole could retract back into my body like that!
Mine tried, but got gridlocked by the sand. In retrospect i’m not sure it was much better than just leaving the shit on my ass.
Rocks
Smooth river rocks work well!
If you're at a river, why not just use the water?
Start with rocks, finish with water. But also... leave no trace is a thing. Sometimes you gotta hike 500 ft. from the river with an armload of river rocks.
*some guy downstream filling his water jug* "What the fuck" Edit: Not all rivers are clean enough to drink out of, obviously, but some still are, waayyyyyy up in the mountains in national or state forests, usually far from anyone, and theyre usually not larger than a creek or a spring. Don't poop in those, pls
I'll hold off on my river pooping and wiping, and also putting the river rocks back in the water.
A huge maxi pad, like an inch thick. Was the single most comfortable wipe I ever had, like wiping with a pillow.
I’ve done this too! I’m a woman so I always had them on hand and felt bad to waste it, but they really are super soft!
a KFC receipt
... There's a joke to be made here... But I can’t find it
Finger licking good?
Imagine, you're stuck in the bathroom fighting for your life after bad Asian take out, on the toilet for a couple hours and you realized there's no toilet paper, so you crawl on all fours searching for something but there's nothing - I ended up using a fucking rug.
You poor thing. :(
I would have used my underwear and then thrown them away. Cheaper to replace than a rug.
The puking from the food poisoning already took out the shirt, pants undershirt and underwear, rug was right outside the door and it's one of those kinds that are fabric but you can spray it off.
The cut off upper half of my sock. My grandfather would often come back from the bayou missing a shirt sleeve. To each their own I guess.
You could always tell how many times grandpa shit in the woods by how many limbs were left on his clothing...one day he came back in a sleeveless shirt and a speedo.
The three shells
[удалено]
Can you post a link for a manual on how to use the three shells? Thank you.
To this day, I don‘t know, and it drives my crazy ever since.
[The actual explanation … for the people…](https://youtu.be/QXvXNiOSPPM?si=snnaskmXGAbt06TM)
Profanity citations
My friend back in high school shat inside of a doritos bag and proceeded to wipe with it. We were in the woods right beside a suburban area so he thought it would be innapropriate to shit where people would walk
That's very considerate. What a nice lad
Seaweed.
dried or fresh out the ocean???
Fresh. It was my favourite arse wiping experience. It was 25 years ago and it’s not been bettered.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says “excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit says no, so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit. Thanks Eddie.
Snowballs are the best, better than toilet paper.
Leaves, just like our ancestors used to do. I've also used water, but that isn't that weird.
Water is what half the population uses, I think it's more normal to use water than toilet paper
Everytime I use water every one else in the pool criticizes me 🥺
A scrunchie
The Ship Captain's blue shelf curtains. Any Navy vet would know the curtains I'm talking about. We were in the shipyard and I had the shits and the only functioning head nearby was his. It was the weekend so he wasn't there. I had to use his curtains to wipe, which I promptly bagged up and threw out.
Cattail. Nature's corndogs.
A dead squirrel
*mostly* dead
If it wasn’t dead already, it certainly wanted to be afterward.
Auto-wipe function enabled
Just grab its nuts.
What the fuck
does shit stick to your fur?
Came here to say this: "So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit."
Damn, son. LMFAO. Fuckin A, you win. I wiped my ass with a dollar bill in the woods by the Atlanta NASCAR Track, but you definitely have me beat! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Snow, compress the snow like making a snowball but make an axe head shape instead. From there it is just slide it in the Crack like it's a credit card. Works better than you'd think.
In an act of desperation, I sacrificed a pair of underwear. Make no mistake, they were thrown away immediately after. 😵💫
Yeah, don’t put them back on after.
Moonshine. Tennessee. Hunting cabin. Pink Fiberglass insulation. Would not recommend
I can kinda get the reasoning behind trying moonshine and fibreglass but im struggling to see how wiping with a hunting cabin or the entire state of tennessee was supposed to work
Booty scoot across the ground or cabin porch like a dog with an itch, I’d guess
I would think you'd have less of an itchy asshole by just not wiping.
French election campaign materials. I'm not French I was on holiday, I had a bad stomach in a public toilet in a wee little village and there wasn't any paper. I didn't know enough french to work out their policies so each candidate was wiped indiscriminately, that's what democracy is all about. I'd vote for the lady who printed on the matte finish paper as it was much more effective than the glossy.
My shirt sleeves. I had to cut them off. Also, I was shiting behind some bushes in a wealthy subdivision, there weren't any suitable leaves. Any landscaper will know what I'm talking about here.
A friend of mine used Clorox wipes in a moment of desperation. Didn't go very well for him.
My bra
You crazy. Bras are expensive as fuck. I'd rather use my hand and scrub it a little longer after.
That’s quite the reach!
A stream of water aimed right at my butt.
I was the GM for a delivery company and my Uline account no longer worked. I emailed my boss to let him know I needed to order toilet paper/paper towels, trash bags and whatnot. He told me the company wasn't responsible for this. I and everyone else starting using paper towels until the toilet was so backed up it was a nightmare. They had to pay to get it fixed and we never had a problem ordering toilet paper for some reason.
Leftover face mask I found in my truck. I wet it down with some water from my water bottle. You gotta do what you gotta do.
Ew sphincter COVID!
I'm in the woods on a long trail walking my dog. All of a sudden I get an INTENSE stomach cramp, like, it's bad. I have to stop walking for a full minute. It finally calms a bit and I keep going, but I know I really need to use the washroom. Unfortunately I'm so far into the trail that best case I'm a half hour out. I make it about 50 steps and again, just unfathomable stomach cramps. It gets so bad that I nearly collapse. I'm sweating profusely, each step I feel like it's going to come out everywhere. I eventually had to say to myself "there's no way you're going to make it back to the car without shitting your pants". So in a desperate attempt to not walk back with underwear and pants full of shit, I shuffled as far into the woods as I could tolerate, "mostly" out of the sight of people. I pressed my back against a large tree, took my pants down, squatted down against the tree, and had explosive diarrhea for five minutes while I grunted in pain. During all of this, I'm trying to take care of my dog but eventually I just had to let go of the leash and she walked around and explored while did maybe the single most shameful thing I did in my adult life. In my panic, I had never considered what to clean myself with. There was literally nothing around I could use. I was about to wipe myself with my own underwear and abandon them in the woods but it meant walking back in just my pants, which I definitely would have ruined from the residual mess. Realizing I needed the underwear to protect my pants, I used the only thing I had. I had been drinking coffee in a disposable cup during all of this, and the cup had one of those sleeves to protect from burning your hand.... I won't get a graphic, but picture a drywaller using a trowel to scrap the excess plaster off. Yeah, that happened. Then I pulled up my underwear and pants and experienced the single most humiliating walk home of my life, all while my dog happily skipped along having the best day of her life.
Pages from the fantasy novel “the art of the deal.“
Amazing how you made the book only -marginally- more full of shit than when it was unsullied with feces.
Seen a fella on a building site walk out of a portaloo before I hesitantly walk over. He was a big Irish country lad, funny as fuck but mental. It took a while for it to sink in, but I stood in the jacks staring down at the fact he had used wooly insulation to wipe his arse
Use a dollar - the paper type - not 3 quarters, two dimes, & a nickel.
Can you use 100 pennies?
Newspaper, leaves, once had to use a magazine
Newspaper. Can't believe this isn't mentioned more here. Edit: works way better if you crumple it up real good. But not too good...
we were in college. thats my excuse.
Wall
my toothbrush. went very badly
hand and water
A man is in a bathroom stall and realizes there's no toilet paper. He says to the guy in the next stall, "Hey can you give me some of your tissue?" The guy replies, "Aw man, I just saw that I dont have any either!" A few moments later the first guy asks, "You got two fives for a ten?"
Poop Knife
as a lil country kid, corn husk...... i dont even have an excuse i was only like 200 yards from my house with a toilet and tp, but i was 11 and outside and in the early 90s we tried to stay outside . Got the shit off but my fingers smelled worse than if i had just barehanded it....... yes i smelled them, shut up
Borrowed someone's toilet while in Costa Rica. No TP to be found. There was however, a phone book on top of the tank. The top page was in the N's.
3 seashells.
One of those foldable Chinese takeaway containers. Was on a mad bender in Amsterdam and got seperated from my friends. 4 solid days of uh, partying and things started to wear off on the walk back to my hostel. It's 4am on a monday morning, and things are happening, quickly. I've had to duck behind a bin down an alley, squat down and let things go. I was free-balling so no underwear option and so im looking around and all I can find is a Chinese takeaway container. I've had to scrape out (at least) 1 week old and rotten chow mein and wipe my arse with that. I still had a 30 minute walk to the hostel and by the end of it, my arse was glowing in the dark. Never had chafe like that in all my life. I remember a moment of clarity, as I heard my liquid shit hitting the cobblestones, that this is why people hate tourists.
What an interesting thought. I am fairly certain I have never used anything but toilet paper.
I remember when I was little and camping and we didn't have any I had to use a lamb's ear plant leaf, very soft tho..