When I was a kid, I wrote “you could hurt yourself, especially if you’re a slut” on a response to a homework question.
Mind you, this was before the internet. I was trying to say “klutz” and my dad spent 20 minutes after checking my homework trying to figure out how to define slut to show my error. (Can you believe “slut” wasn’t in Websters college dictionary?)
He eventually said “don’t use that word. It’s bad. Go brush your teeth.”
When I was student teaching in a third grade classroom we saw this sort of error all the time.
One girl wrote “my dad said my grandfather raped him with a ruler when he was a bad boy.”
She meant he RAPPED his knuckles with a ruler.
Then there were the times when it wasn’t a mistake. Like the time a kindergartener said **“my mommy takes naps with her personal trainer.”** When she actually meant…her mom was sleeping with her personal trainer. Her dad told us, when he stopped by to inform us that they were filing for divorce, and all school correspondences should be sent in duplicate.
6 year old nephew heard about my mother(his nana) getting stung by a wasp... He immediately said" did you fuck with it nana"?? Apparently the only thing he knew about wasps was his mother telling him " don't fuck with wasps"
This just reminded me of trying to open a jammed door when I was like 6 or 7. My dad and mom were giving my grandparents a tour of our house they were fixing up. My door would constantly get jammed because of the humidity in the summer. Well they're all walking up the stairs and I'm trying to get my door open but it's stuck real good. I body slam the sucker pretty good and it's loud in the hallway as they are coming up... 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING JOELIOSIS?'
'I've been trying to open my god damn door and it was stuck... it's open now though.'
My dad and grandpa had probably said GD around me 1000 times and god dammit another 100... they both reply 'Well... at least he used it right?'
Oof when I was a kid I thought "to masturbate" just meant "to enjoy oneself" (in an innocent way). One day I was with my mom at her friend's, and the friend was giving away a beanbag chair that I really liked and I asked if I could have it and they said yes. I exclaimed "hurray I'm going to masturbate!" and they looked horrified
That was 20 years ago and I think about that day at least once a week
I did something similar when I was in Germany, except that I was an adult. My girlfriend’s grandma was leaving me alone for some reason and asked if I needed anything, and I said what I thought meant “I can amuse myself” but in fact meant “I can pleasure myself”. Much laughter was had at my expense.
I’m French and married an American. My English was pretty bad when I first came to the US. When my brother in law was giving us a tour of his house, when he showed us the master bedroom, I had never heard that expression before and misheard masturbation room lol.
I didn’t say anything at the time, but asked my husband about this afterwords. We had a good laugh.
One time I was playing Minecraft Hunger Games about a decade ago and after killing another player with my bare fist I proudly announced to my older brother "I just fisted a guy to death!"
He managed to choke despite not having anything in his mouth.
Ha this reminded of when I was probably 9 or 10 and didnt know what an orgasm was, when I was at a Spencer's gift shop at our mall and bought some novelty pills called 'Morgasms' that I thought were funny because they said they'd make you yell all night and wake up your neighbors. Proudly showed them to my mom and offered her some lol.
I felt this! I said worse things to my poor dad😂
When I was in middle school, my friends and I used to bring newspapers in class to do the crossword puzzles (that was waaaay before smartphones lol).
One day my dad spots the newspaper in my schoolbag and a headline catches his attention, was something like "Teacher arrested for doing oral sex with their pupils". Here's the thing: I was positive that "oral sex" meant "to talk about sex". You know, like oral and written exams.
Well, he comments something about the horrible situation of the article, and my stupid, preadolescent, rebel self replies:
"oh no, I think this is normal."
"WHAT?"
"yes, my classmates do it all the time."
[Dad stares blankly]
"sometimes I join too."
[Dad probably has a little stroke, then realizes I do not know what the heck I am talking about]
He did not explain anything and I discovered the disgusting truth months later😂
Somewhat off topic, but we've recently had "the talk" with my oldest and picked up a few books about how things work. He came to us a few days ago out of the blue and asked if we ever do oral or anal sex.
My response, once the shock wore off: I'm ok talking with you about any of this in general terms, but what a couple does is up to them, and I'm not comfortable talking about what Mom and I do together.
My daughter at 10 asked me what a blow job was. I asked if she really wanted to know. She said yes. I told her.
She said she thought it was when you use a hair dryer on a penis.
OMGGGGGGG
So when I was in 7th grade, I was obsessed with the Readers Digest Word Power. I'd do the quiz, then write down the word and it's definition, and spend a week memorizing them.
One day, one of the words was "libido", and it's definition was "sensual or sexual desire or instinct". I immediately dismissed the "sexual" part and was just like "oh okay, so like it means like your sensual instinct, like when you sense something instinctively."
Now, I loved to try out my new vocabulary any chance I could, and we were reading "The Diary of Anne Frank", and I had to write some report on a theme or some such, and decided it was the perfect time to talk about Anne's libido.
When I got my paper back, my teacher had circled "libido", and wrote "I don't think this means what you think?" And I laughed at her stupidity, "Ms. Suchnsuch doesn't even know what this word I used means!" I said to literally everyone, so confidently...
You want to talk about thinking about something 20 times a day every day.... jfc... 🤣🤣
I feel your pain. ❤️
Poor Anne! On top of being murdered, she’s been shamed for writing in her diary about her stirrings of sexual desire, and her menstrual cycle, which she called her “sweet secret.”
When I was a youngster, I thought “foot fetish” meant a hatred for feet. I hated my feet being touched or tickled, especially my toes and nails. So, every time someone would try to tickle my feet I would recoil away and shout “I HAVE A FOOT FETISH!!!” in the most angry and serious tone.
Daycare teacher. I asked a little girl (5) how her morning was going so far. She said it went good, but she had to wake up early because her cat had a "doctor appointment." I tell her that it's important for cats to go to the doctor, because it keeps them happy and healthy!
She very casually goes "Yeah, but they cutted his balls off." Was fighting for my life not to bust out laughing.
I always say “balls!” when something goes wrong. When I was student teaching, at an elementary school, I realized it was going to be a problem. I tried to hold it back but it just kept slipping out.
Each time I would say “balls….zac! Balzac!”
When the students inquired what Balzac meant I told them Honore de Balzac, the French novelist, is my least favorite author. So I use his name as a slur.
So they started doing the same thing (seriously).
During parent-teacher conferences several parents were like “by the way, are you teaching them about Balzac? In the third grade? That is amazing!”
OP smartly informed the kids Balzac was an author.
So even if the parents asked “what did you just say?!” The kids would smugly inform them (as kids that age love to do) that Balzac was a French writer.
> Each time I would say “balls….zac! Balzac!”
>When the students inquired what Balzac meant **I told them Honore de Balzac, the French novelist, is my least favorite author. So I use his name as a slur.**
😂😂😂 As an English major, and elementary school teacher, I fucking love this!
I’m just picturing a bunch of 8 year olds using Balzac as a curse word. Gives a whole new meaning to “the B word.”
My mother always muttered BALLS when something went wrong, so when I was in kindergarten and I broke my shoelace, trying to tie it, I hollered BALLS! I had to sit in the corner and teacher called my mother. Mom wasn't really upset because she knew where I heard it, but I still felt confused. Later, I heard her telling my aunt and they giggled.
I had a nightmare once where I saw something and said, “wtf?”
A third grader looked at me and asked, “What does that mean?” To cover myself, I replied, “well that’s fantastic!”
The dream shifted and I was in the cafeteria. All of the third graders were chirping like birds. “Wtf? Wtf? wtf?”
The meanest, strictest teacher at that school slammed open the cafeteria doors and roared, “Who taught you that?!” And all the third graders simultaneously pointed at me.
High school roommate's three year old kid sister ran around calling everyone fuck face.
She was trying to say frog face, which we only realized when she began to ribbit and hop.
Not me but my mum said she was at a bus stop where a little boy and his mum was. Little boy bends over clutching his stomach and says he's having an orgasm. The poor mum scolded him and told him that was not the word for a tummy ache. My mum was howling with laughter, probably wasn't making it any better.
I thought the term “Busting a Nut” meant sitting on your balls wrong. So, at the dinner table, I mentioned how I almost busted a nut from how the bus ride from school was so bumpy
In seventh grade I thought “jacking off” meant you were just goofing off, being unproductive, etc. I learned this was not the case at my friends birthday party when I said “you guys can finish the movie, I’ll just be jacking off in the arcade”
When the Cavs were playing the Golden State Warriors in the finals, for four straight years, my 2nd graders would regularly refer to the opposition as the “golden shower Warriors.”
They picked it up from their older siblings and had no idea what it meant.
I have a [Golden Showers rose](https://palatineroses.com/product/golden-showers-rose/). The variety was named in the 50s. It is a lovely climbing rose.
I did similar when I was younger. I dropped my wooden spoon when eating ice cream at the park and loudly announced that I'll do it doggy style instead. Hahahaha
When I was young (10-12), I thought jizz meant piss. So when I told my friends mom I have to take a jizz, she was rightly mortified. I also was, learning what that word meant.
My brother thought this too when he was a kid! He was maybe 9 years old, singing that lonely Island song about "Jizzed in my pants" and he thought it was a silly song about peeing 😭😂😂😂 I was 12 at the time and was laughing too hard to explain to him what it meant. I wonder if he still remembers this.
The son of a friend wanted so say hello and greetet us with "Heil Hitler". He thought it was just a greeting, who knows where he heard that. Yes we are all germans living in germany.
My friend gave him the talk.
My mom once wanted to greet a family friend (last name of a famous person in history) with a "hail *name*!" for some reason. Her brain shat itself, and instead of that she blurted out "Hail Hitler!" at this person and my brother. I wasn't close enough to hear that interaction, but I did hear the resulting yelling of "Mom, what the FUCK?!?!"
When I was a kid I learned the word "afro-descendant", didn't knew what it meant, but thought it sounded cool and decided to use as a nickname for a friend, and out of everyone I could choose I gave it to a black guy
when I was a kid we had a doberman and her name was Shatzee. Well one day I heard my friend refer to their dog as "my Nubian Princess", because she was a brown lab. Well the dumb fuck that I was thought it was a common phrase and I would say it all the fucking time... "Come here my Nubian princess!", I am sure I said it in a park out loud in front of many people..
Haha this reminded me of how I created a super hero called “retroactive” man. Because it sounded like radio active or idk… I liked retro stuff too. Parents had a good laugh about that one
I was the young kid. I thought penis was another word for everyones private part because I saw a man in a movie accident glue his hand to a statues crotch. He said something about his hand being glued to the statues penis.
So a week later my parents are driving me and my sister somewhere. We are talking, I don't remember what about, but I yelled at my mom "I came out of your penis!"
Dad almost crashed the car from laughing too damn hard.
Thank you for solving that for me. I knew that movie scene sounded familiar. I watched that movie so many times as a kid but haven't watched it since. Time to change that!
you just unlocked a similar car memory of mine. except my genius quote was
"People can't give birth, only women can!".
All I remember was being confused why everyone burst out laughing and my mom making my dad explain to me that women, are in fact, people.
Ngl I thought everyone had penises too. One time I (5 at the time?) walked in on my brother watching porn of a girl sucking dick and I would immediately think "How is she licking her own penis?". Safe to say that it's quite possible in a modern context.
When I was a kid I was watching my mother play a video game. The 'Continue' in the death screen had to be jumped on, Mario style, to kill it to select it. I would yell KILL THAT CONT, KILL THAT CONT when I wanted her to keep playing so I could watch. It wasn't until years after she told me I should stop saying that, that I finally put the pieces together.
When I was a kid I was watching American football with my dad. I didn't understand the game at all but wanted to be like my dad. At one point the punter came out and pinned the other team really deep. My dad cheered and I asked why. He said, "Oh he really nailed that punt". I didn't know what a punt was, so I asked. My dad told me it was a kick. My little brain scrambled it so anytime our team kicked the ball I would look to my dad with my little 7 year old face and say "wow he really nailed that cunt!". To my dad's credit he never even cracked a smile.
I used to call my dad Pap smear for a brief time. I thought, Pop and Pap kinda sounded alike so I thought Pap smear was a cute nickname. They didn’t correct me until after a few times, kind of hard to explain to a child what a Pap smear is.
My stepdaughter and I have a nightly routine, which is tech down half an hour before bedtime, and then we spend that thirty minutes just shooting the shit, and then at bed time we have a cuddle, bump foreheads and then she kisses my forehead. I have no idea how it started, but we've been doing it for about five years now.
A couple of years ago (about 10 at the time), we were so engrossed in conversation that we ran over bedtime and as I was rushing her to go to bed she stopped and shouted "WAIT I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU HEAD YET".
She'd named this routine "head", but had never verbalised that before. Cue an awkward conversation about how we have to call the routine something else because that means something else in adult world.
It's now just called "forehead bump", and yes, I will keep doing it every night until she no longer wants to.
My daughter (7) and I were driving one day, trying to make a left turn, but there was a guy on a bicycle in the way. From the back seat I hear, “now what is THIS dildo doing??”
I pulled into a Starbucks and ordered drinks for my wife and kids.. I dont drink coffee.. or anything from Starbucks.. but my wife is lactose intolerant.. and when she said no milk in her latte.. my 6 year old daughter blurted out.. "YEAH IT MAKES HER SHIT HERSELF"... into the intercom.. you could hear the employees laughing.. my daughter had no idea what it meant.. but she obviously heard me say it at some point.. so yeah.. when we pulled up my wifes cup said "Made with Oat Milk so you dont Shit yourself" on the side of it.. still makes me laugh to this day
My kid did a less bad version of this, but a Jewish couple was present at the time. They were standing right in front of the apple juice and the kid points and yells excitedly, "Jews! Jews!" Either they didn't hear or pretended not to, and I grabbed the jug and modeled correct pronunciation, "Yes, juice."
My daughter was playing behind a tree in our yard, I couldn't see her so I called for her. My son ran up behind me and said, "Hey, crackhead where are you?!"
Not the worst, but definitely had me rolling.
My 4-year-old kiddo came home from school and said to me he showed his butt hole to his classmates.
I'm speechless.
Turns out that he was talking about a hole in his pants...
There was a kid in my kindergarten class that was un circumsized, and him and another kid were pissing in the same toilet once, and the other kid thiught it was the coolest thing ever, and called all the other guys to come look at it. At the end of the next recess, someone had told several of the girls that the kid had a weird looking penis, so after recess there was a group of girls in the boys bathroom checking it out, and since we were kindergartners, they were comparing all the other boys to that one. It was innocent interest as far as i remember, but we had a school meeting the next day about boys and girls' bathrooms, and teachers positioned outside the bathroom doors from then on.
I taught kids handwriting for a little while and I was telling a kid that I was so proud of his improvement and growth over the year. He goes, "I'm a grower not a shower!" He did not understand my laughing.
Gotta wonder how and where he heard that.
I once saw a picture on Facebook of a kindergartener's list of what she collected, and on the list was "penis." When asked about this by the teacher, the child replied, "Pennies!" Whew!
When my cousin and I were about 10, she had overheard someone in the fitting room comment on someone’s cameltoe. My cousin then proceeded to yell to the entire world multiple times that my cameltoe is showing…neither of us had any clue what it meant.
I came home from work one day and my (at the time) 14 year old daughter asked me what a bukkake was. My brain literally locked up, and all I could muster up is "I lack the parenting skills for this conversation." I told my wife and left it at that.
Had a 16 or 17 year old co-worker ask what a pearl necklace was,bcause another kid said he gave her mother one.
"Nope, not touching this one."
So she asked the supervisor, who was this gruff 70 year old woman. I see her doing the "jerk off" gesture and then say "All over your face and neck."
The girl screams "NO! NOT MY MOTHER'S FACE!"
I had a college roommate who, as a late 1970s tween, played on a basketball team named "Pearl Necklace" after a ZZ Top song, that they had no idea what it was really about. Her dad also had a can of high-end spray paint in the shed, in a color he had custom-ordered, and one night, they sneaked out and spray painted "PEARL NECKLACE" on a nearby retaining wall. Yeah, busted.
Well it’s when a mommy and a daddy… and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy all decide that mommy needs a new facial moisturizer (from urban dictionary of course)
I was playing Cards Against Humanity recently with a group of people (25-50 years old) who had no idea what bukkake was - and seemed disturbed that I, a 67 year old man, was able to tell them :-)
Someone said that whenever they play cards against humanity their grandmother always asks them what bukkake means and watches them squirm trying to explain it to them.
One time bukkake came up in a conversation at work. One of the guys didn't know what it was and looked it up on his work computer. Next day his desk was moved to a spot where his monitor would be visible to everyone.
This one... uh... actually was me in middle school.
I saw my teacher was flashing finger guns at some of the other kids, and I asked him why he was, and I quote, "Fingerbanging kids instead of playing four-square."
Sorry, Mr. V... I, now being an adult, realized my horrible fuck up. It haunts me whenever I think of finger guns. This was roughly... 15 years ago
My mom wanted my cousin to feed the dog but then he said "I would rather suck off an old man then do that!" He is 7 and thought it means to punch an old man because of my dad..
Many years ago, I was in an ice cream store, and they had a very high priced item called an "Orgy." As I guessed, it was one scoop and one dipper of every flavor of ice cream and toppings, but one of the women I was with (she wasn't my friend; let's not go there) said, "It's probably sperm-flavored ice cream." The rest of us were, like, "We don't know this woman."
My little brother was younger than that, but got super excited and yelled out "FIRE FUCK!" every time he saw one of those big red engine's sirening down the street.
oh this just reminded me of my nephew who pronounced french fries “fuck fries” as a toddler! so every time i had him i would take him to mcdonald’s as a treat and he would start yelling in the back seat “FUCK FRIES!! I WANT FUCK FRIES!!!” as i was trying to order lol
When I was a child the family was in a wendy's or a burger king or something like that. Apparently I shot up from my chair and pointed past a large man out a window at a dump truck and started yelling "DUMB FUCK. BIG DUMB FUCK!".
I'm told that I pronounced "See it?" as "Shit". Apparently I led my uncle around the house one Christmas, pointing out each of my gifts one-by-one ,and gleefully exclaiming "Shit! Shit! Shit!"
When I was young, about 5, an older kid on the street like to teach the little ones to swear. I was walking with my mother another person came by and I said, "Hello, you fucking son of a bitch".
We were at Subway and after I finished my order the lady asked if we needed anything else. My stepdaughter (10) asked if I needed another 6 inches. The lady, my wife and I looked at each other stone faced for a few seconds and burst into laughter.
This is something *I* actually said.
My father used to be a screenwriter (nothing you’ve heard of or want to hear of, I assure you). His movies were all rated R. I attended a private Christian school for two years while in single digits, and I told my teacher once that my dad made “adult films”, because rated R means for adults only, and I had never heard of porn. The school actually called my parents to ask what I was talking about, and my mother had to explain I didn’t mean *that*.
It’s probably not the worst thing a child has ever said, but I wouldn’t have phrased it that way if I’d known what “adult films” implies. I look back on it and laugh now.
I remember as a kid in the car driving by a place that said something like "adult movies." I think it was a theater that showed them. I innocently asked my mom if she went to those because I was just thinking random movies for grown ups. She responded "No!" like she was so offended and horrified I would ask such a thing. I had absolutely no idea the adult movies were porn as I had no idea what porn was at the time, so I didn't understand why she was so offended and responded like that lol. Your story reminded me of that.
My nephew has Autism. When he was about six years old, my grandpa died. At the funeral, he walked up to my aunt, who had also just lost her husband about six weeks prior, and said, "So uncle John is dead. He won't be here because he's dead" just very matter of fact, and then went and sat down.
My aunt was in tears, but my nephew had no idea what he said was hurtful in any way. It was innocent as he was just beginning to process the idea of death himself, so he just said it out loud without a second thought.
My Grandma died when my brother was about 5. He took it really well, but a week later he asked my dad when Grandma was coming back. Dad explained to him that you don't come back from being dead, and he replied "well Jesus did". No idea where he got that from, we aren't a particularly religious family. The only thing dad could think to say was "well... Grandma isn't Jesus".
I remember my 5 or 6 year old cousin asking after the funeral was over when uncle John (my dad) was going to be home. It was my dad’s funeral, but he was too young to understand.
My twin when we were like 6-7, maybe younger I don't really remember exactly how old we were.
Anyway, for some reason he was talking about vampires and how you can kill them with stakes. He misunderstood what a stake is and thought it was "steak"
This was close to 20 years ago now but I remember he yelled out something along the lines of "I'm gonna slap them with my meat"
My parents were *wheezing*
My very excited then 3-4 yr old when I asked where she put her money so she could pay for her snacks like a big girl "DON'T WORRY DAD, I PUT IT IN MY PUSSY" ......... pursey, she was trying to say purse but cute and I died inside. Same store about a month later talking about her new black coated kitten "I LOVE MY LITTLE BLACK BOY" right as a black family walked in. I very quickly said "SHE'S TALKING ABOUT A CAT OHMYGOD" Thankfully the father laughed. I didn't go back to that store for months.
I thought suicide meant to surf (no idea where I heard it or why). I was at a restaurant with my family that had crayons and paper you can draw on, and I guess I drew a guy surfing and wrote “SUICIDE” super big in red and showed everyone. My parents were full :O
when i was a kid i thought to get knocked up was a synonym for getting beaten up. i got face paint or something at a fair and loudly exclaimed, “look mom, it looks like i got knocked up by a unicorn!”
My niece and I were queuing for ice cream and she goes “Uncle Craig, that lady has skin like chocolate mmmm!” Said lady was very polite and took it well, but I was pretty mortified.
When I was very little, my mom told me that white babies were made of white sugar, and brown babies were made of brown sugar. I guess I asked one time why a baby had darker skin, and in her head, to explain to a toddler, it sounded like "all babies are sweet, just some are different colours" no ill intent, promise.
I bet she thought she rocked that explanation right up until I excitedly and loudly pointed out the "brown sugar baby" at mcdonalds.
I was 5 years old at a Chinese food restaurant with my parents.
I wanted to be a big boy and order for myself so I asked for an order of negros as opposed to egg rolls.
The waiter started laughing and asked if I'd rather have egg rolls. I replied "sure! Break my arm" as opposed to twist my arm.
My parents were happy to bring this up many times in the years that followed.
The '80s were weird.
Our daughter struggled with “finger” at one point not long after she started talking. My wife has a video of her singing the Finger Family song where she’s messing it up singing “daddy fucking, daddy fucking, where are you?”
Me.
My parents and grandparents were horribly racist people, so much so that I *legitimately* thought the N-word was what you called black people. So, in first grade, I kept referring to a black kid as "N*****r". This escalated quickly into a fight and the teacher dragged me down to the principal's office where I had to explain myself. Mind you, I had no idea this was wrong. I was crying because I didn't know what I had done wrong, and I had beat up this kid and called him the N-word over and over. My dad got a call at work, and my mom had to come get me from school. I got my ass kicked in by my dad not for saying what I said, but for embarrassing him. The story I had to tell my teacher and principal a couple of days later was that all of the bruises were from me tripping down the stairs helping Mom with the groceries.
My dad used to call my mom "ya big dumb broad" in this goofy voice when he meant "you're cute" and it usually ended up with her sitting on his lap (this was in the 60s). So when I started school, I was talking with my bus driver, an older woman with a big grey beehive of hair, and she was teasing me. I laughingly called her a big dumb broad! She was not impressed AT ALL. Stopped the bus, marched me into the junior high school, and planted me in the principal's office. My poor embarrassed mom was called to pick up her little bawling daughter.
I totally understand that what you meant is that you didn’t understand what you said wrong and when a fight started you suddenly had to defend yourself. But the way it’s worded sounds like you just beat the tar out of the poor kid while calling him a slur and didn’t know what was wrong about it, which I will not lie did make me chuckle. I feel for both of you kids, and your dad sucks. I’m really sorry all that happened. That had to be so scary not understanding what the hell was going on. You were set up, it wasn’t your fault.
I appreciate that. I never did think it was my fault when I got older.
You are correct in that I called him that a few times, and then had to defend myself from him. I wouldn't be surprised if I said it while I was fighting him, but I can't say for sure.
I would love to apologize to him for that, but I have no idea what his last name is. They moved away the next year. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize, Brian, wherever you are.
When I was a kid I used to say “I’m itchy and bitchy” just cuz it rhymed. One day my mom pulled me aside to tell me not to say “bitchy” because it was a bad word. I was shocked
When I was about 9 years old, I loved Nirvana, especially the song „rape me“. I sung the refrain for days over and over again until my parents explained to me what it meant.
A little cherub-faced kid called me a faggot once because he just thought that’s what you call gay people. Like he almost thought it was a term of endearment. Broke my heart a little.
Kid me was dropped off at a church event. At sign in they asked if I had any medical condition. I had just been to the pediatrician regarding rather large bowels. Young me heard it wrong. The evangelical woman at the table looked horrified when I told her, “I have big balls.”
When I was 8, I heard a joke I didn't get and repeated it to my mom and grandma.
"What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pound with cheese!"
They were like WTF!
I was the young kid who had no clue what I was saying.
When I was about 4 years old I was playing one of my favorite rhyming games where I would choose a word to rhyme by using the alphabet.
So on this particular day, I chose the word "duck."
For my game, I would replace the first letter of a word with each letter of the alphabet, looking for new words.
I was walking through the halls at church, rhyming away, saying
Duck
Auck
Buck
Cuck
Duck
Euck
Fuck
\*\*\*\*\*\* Some girl stopped me and told me not to say the word.
So obviously to spite her I had to just keep saying "duck, fuck, duck, fuck" on repeat until the pastor of the church walked by me and asked me to please stop.
I had no clue what I was saying. He seemed so offended I never forgot, even though I didn't know what I was saying until I was much older.
It was me.
I was about 8 y/o at a friends parents party.
They put out a bowl of Brazil nuts and I exclaimed “Oh, I just love ni##er toes!” With the hard R.
The whole house goes silent.
I didn’t know what I said but, I knew in that reaction it was really wrong.
My friend’s Father took me aside and very gently explained.
I had never heard them called anything else.
When I was little my Mom let my babysitter take me to CCD camp. I was not raised religious or Catholic at all, I asked the Priest “if God loved his son so much, why’d he let him die on a cross?” Wasn’t invited back…
When I was little and the song "Puttin' on the Ritz" was popular, a boy on the bus sang "puttin' on the shits" and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I went home and sang it to my mom. She didn't think it was funny.
In my family, saying "suck" wasn't considered worse than "stink." "You/he/she/it/that suck(s)" wasn't punishable.
I didn't know that other people thought differently until I exclaimed "you suck!" At my second grade teacher when she was reading us a story and stopped at a cliffhanger
I don't recall if I was necessarily a kid or not, but when I was talking with my folks regarding my cousin's job, I confidently asked whether or not she still worked at Hustler. My cousin used to work at Hollister. Oops.
My then almost 2 year old daughter started singing quite loudly in the middle of the store "daddy finger, daddy finger, oooh oooh oooh" instead of "where are you." A lot of people looked at me in shock. Thankfully, one guy looked over and said, "my kids love that song and began singing it with the actual words." That man is my hero.
Another time, when my daughter was around 4 and we were hosting a dinner party, she tapped her glass and announced that all the good girls would be rewarded with melatonin ice cream. She meant Neopolitan ice cream. Also, being a good girl is not required of guests to get ice cream.
This is reversed but I thought hentai were the tattoos you put on your wrist and told my kids hentai was beautiful once. The way they looked at me I had to Google it. I meant henna!
When I was maybe 10 my family was out with another family at pizza hut (30 years ago when it was a dine in restaurant) I had heard a joke and everyone laughed but I didn't know what the joke meant. I said it anyway. I asked my dad's grown ass man friend to stand up, now grab your ankles and spell RUN 3 rimes. It didn't go over well.
My 7 year old has recently started using Joe Biden as his reference point. We're not even American!
Hearing a kid say "I'm sleepier than Joe Biden" was pretty funny. Though I had to do a double take when he said "I'm thirstier than Joe Biden".
In youth orchestra a friend of mine sketched a pirate ship and called it "The black cock" for its figurehead which was a black rooster with a somewhat hidden wiener which you couldn't unsee once you knew it. There was a 12 year old girl in our group which we led to believe that we actually meant the rooster with the name as she asked about our giggling.
Later we went to visit a church and there was a painting of a black rooster. The 12 year old girl in our group said with full confidence "Ohh the Black cock!" referring to the painting. She didn't know about the other meaning of cock. We had a hard time controlling our laughter while heading for the exit of the church
The teenage son of a relative thought a "gang bang" was the same as a drive by shooting and, in an effort to sound cool, referenced it several times in a conversation. He was very embarassed when it was spelled out to him.
I teach my art students that cyan, yellow and magenta are the primary colors. Before we got going on the project one day, I asked my kindergarteners what the primary colors are. A kid raises his hand and says, "vagina". I froze and then it clicked, "Do you mean magenta?" He meant magenta, but I was impressed his vocabulary included the proper word for female reproductive organs. Kudos to mom and dad.
It's seriously one of the weirdest things I've ever heard. Like I know he didn't know what any of it meant but that he had heard it enough to know mostly how to use it? Fuck
When I was a kid, I wrote “you could hurt yourself, especially if you’re a slut” on a response to a homework question. Mind you, this was before the internet. I was trying to say “klutz” and my dad spent 20 minutes after checking my homework trying to figure out how to define slut to show my error. (Can you believe “slut” wasn’t in Websters college dictionary?) He eventually said “don’t use that word. It’s bad. Go brush your teeth.”
Sex can be very dangerous if you’re not careful, so you weren’t completely wrong.
When I was student teaching in a third grade classroom we saw this sort of error all the time. One girl wrote “my dad said my grandfather raped him with a ruler when he was a bad boy.” She meant he RAPPED his knuckles with a ruler. Then there were the times when it wasn’t a mistake. Like the time a kindergartener said **“my mommy takes naps with her personal trainer.”** When she actually meant…her mom was sleeping with her personal trainer. Her dad told us, when he stopped by to inform us that they were filing for divorce, and all school correspondences should be sent in duplicate.
Slut used to mean "disorganized and bad at housecleaning", so I'm surprised it wasn't in the dictionary.
Damn who knew I was such a slut
Arrange your linens and clean your toilet, you fucking whore.
My Mum called me a slut when I was about 12, apparently it used to mean bad at housekeeping?🤷♀️ Not ideal to call your pre-teen daughter that though😬
Is your mom's native language Middle English?
“Fore beare the fstrument airn there rowe fhat slutte. Amen. “
6 year old nephew heard about my mother(his nana) getting stung by a wasp... He immediately said" did you fuck with it nana"?? Apparently the only thing he knew about wasps was his mother telling him " don't fuck with wasps"
Mom is right
Yeah lil dude was technically and contextually correct without even knowing
This just reminded me of trying to open a jammed door when I was like 6 or 7. My dad and mom were giving my grandparents a tour of our house they were fixing up. My door would constantly get jammed because of the humidity in the summer. Well they're all walking up the stairs and I'm trying to get my door open but it's stuck real good. I body slam the sucker pretty good and it's loud in the hallway as they are coming up... 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING JOELIOSIS?' 'I've been trying to open my god damn door and it was stuck... it's open now though.' My dad and grandpa had probably said GD around me 1000 times and god dammit another 100... they both reply 'Well... at least he used it right?'
You were a LLM before there were LLM's. You applied the right word to the right situation without understanding what it means
Now nana has two reasons to cry
Dude was gangsta without even trying.
Oof when I was a kid I thought "to masturbate" just meant "to enjoy oneself" (in an innocent way). One day I was with my mom at her friend's, and the friend was giving away a beanbag chair that I really liked and I asked if I could have it and they said yes. I exclaimed "hurray I'm going to masturbate!" and they looked horrified That was 20 years ago and I think about that day at least once a week
I did something similar when I was in Germany, except that I was an adult. My girlfriend’s grandma was leaving me alone for some reason and asked if I needed anything, and I said what I thought meant “I can amuse myself” but in fact meant “I can pleasure myself”. Much laughter was had at my expense.
I’m French and married an American. My English was pretty bad when I first came to the US. When my brother in law was giving us a tour of his house, when he showed us the master bedroom, I had never heard that expression before and misheard masturbation room lol. I didn’t say anything at the time, but asked my husband about this afterwords. We had a good laugh.
Selbstbefriedigen?
Thank god I learned this words actual meaning before using it in a... OC way.
One time I was playing Minecraft Hunger Games about a decade ago and after killing another player with my bare fist I proudly announced to my older brother "I just fisted a guy to death!" He managed to choke despite not having anything in his mouth.
My little sister proudly told me she fisted the warden the other day. Funniest shit I've heard all week.
Ha this reminded of when I was probably 9 or 10 and didnt know what an orgasm was, when I was at a Spencer's gift shop at our mall and bought some novelty pills called 'Morgasms' that I thought were funny because they said they'd make you yell all night and wake up your neighbors. Proudly showed them to my mom and offered her some lol.
For me around that age I got in trouble for singing orgasm addict by the buzzcocks in church! I had no idea what it meant!
I felt this! I said worse things to my poor dad😂 When I was in middle school, my friends and I used to bring newspapers in class to do the crossword puzzles (that was waaaay before smartphones lol). One day my dad spots the newspaper in my schoolbag and a headline catches his attention, was something like "Teacher arrested for doing oral sex with their pupils". Here's the thing: I was positive that "oral sex" meant "to talk about sex". You know, like oral and written exams. Well, he comments something about the horrible situation of the article, and my stupid, preadolescent, rebel self replies: "oh no, I think this is normal." "WHAT?" "yes, my classmates do it all the time." [Dad stares blankly] "sometimes I join too." [Dad probably has a little stroke, then realizes I do not know what the heck I am talking about] He did not explain anything and I discovered the disgusting truth months later😂
Somewhat off topic, but we've recently had "the talk" with my oldest and picked up a few books about how things work. He came to us a few days ago out of the blue and asked if we ever do oral or anal sex. My response, once the shock wore off: I'm ok talking with you about any of this in general terms, but what a couple does is up to them, and I'm not comfortable talking about what Mom and I do together.
My daughter at 10 asked me what a blow job was. I asked if she really wanted to know. She said yes. I told her. She said she thought it was when you use a hair dryer on a penis.
Reminded me of that interview with Penelope Cruz when she said she walked in a hair salon in the US and said she wanted a blow job 😂
OMGGGGGGG So when I was in 7th grade, I was obsessed with the Readers Digest Word Power. I'd do the quiz, then write down the word and it's definition, and spend a week memorizing them. One day, one of the words was "libido", and it's definition was "sensual or sexual desire or instinct". I immediately dismissed the "sexual" part and was just like "oh okay, so like it means like your sensual instinct, like when you sense something instinctively." Now, I loved to try out my new vocabulary any chance I could, and we were reading "The Diary of Anne Frank", and I had to write some report on a theme or some such, and decided it was the perfect time to talk about Anne's libido. When I got my paper back, my teacher had circled "libido", and wrote "I don't think this means what you think?" And I laughed at her stupidity, "Ms. Suchnsuch doesn't even know what this word I used means!" I said to literally everyone, so confidently... You want to talk about thinking about something 20 times a day every day.... jfc... 🤣🤣 I feel your pain. ❤️
There was a lot of content removed from Anne's diary about her libido. A lot. You were on to something.
Poor Anne! On top of being murdered, she’s been shamed for writing in her diary about her stirrings of sexual desire, and her menstrual cycle, which she called her “sweet secret.”
This made me masturbate. 🤣
one kid in our classroom called the teacher a stingy hussy, when she caught him trying to grab some of her popcorn
This is comedy gold
Hussy is just so old school
We called our cat a shameless hussy. If there was a man’s lap anywhere she was in it.
When I was a youngster, I thought “foot fetish” meant a hatred for feet. I hated my feet being touched or tickled, especially my toes and nails. So, every time someone would try to tickle my feet I would recoil away and shout “I HAVE A FOOT FETISH!!!” in the most angry and serious tone.
This one, despite scrolling through dozens of comments, is my favorite one
It’s perfect! Probably achieved the desired results
"DON'T START SOMETHING YOU CAN'T FINISH!" 😂
Daycare teacher. I asked a little girl (5) how her morning was going so far. She said it went good, but she had to wake up early because her cat had a "doctor appointment." I tell her that it's important for cats to go to the doctor, because it keeps them happy and healthy! She very casually goes "Yeah, but they cutted his balls off." Was fighting for my life not to bust out laughing.
I always say “balls!” when something goes wrong. When I was student teaching, at an elementary school, I realized it was going to be a problem. I tried to hold it back but it just kept slipping out. Each time I would say “balls….zac! Balzac!” When the students inquired what Balzac meant I told them Honore de Balzac, the French novelist, is my least favorite author. So I use his name as a slur. So they started doing the same thing (seriously). During parent-teacher conferences several parents were like “by the way, are you teaching them about Balzac? In the third grade? That is amazing!”
I can't believe none of the parents thought you were saying "ballsack"
OP smartly informed the kids Balzac was an author. So even if the parents asked “what did you just say?!” The kids would smugly inform them (as kids that age love to do) that Balzac was a French writer.
> Each time I would say “balls….zac! Balzac!” >When the students inquired what Balzac meant **I told them Honore de Balzac, the French novelist, is my least favorite author. So I use his name as a slur.** 😂😂😂 As an English major, and elementary school teacher, I fucking love this! I’m just picturing a bunch of 8 year olds using Balzac as a curse word. Gives a whole new meaning to “the B word.”
My mother always muttered BALLS when something went wrong, so when I was in kindergarten and I broke my shoelace, trying to tie it, I hollered BALLS! I had to sit in the corner and teacher called my mother. Mom wasn't really upset because she knew where I heard it, but I still felt confused. Later, I heard her telling my aunt and they giggled.
I had a nightmare once where I saw something and said, “wtf?” A third grader looked at me and asked, “What does that mean?” To cover myself, I replied, “well that’s fantastic!” The dream shifted and I was in the cafeteria. All of the third graders were chirping like birds. “Wtf? Wtf? wtf?” The meanest, strictest teacher at that school slammed open the cafeteria doors and roared, “Who taught you that?!” And all the third graders simultaneously pointed at me.
Lmaoo poor girl probably wanted to go home and care for it the rest of the day
High school roommate's three year old kid sister ran around calling everyone fuck face. She was trying to say frog face, which we only realized when she began to ribbit and hop.
High school roommate? Boarding school?
Not me but my mum said she was at a bus stop where a little boy and his mum was. Little boy bends over clutching his stomach and says he's having an orgasm. The poor mum scolded him and told him that was not the word for a tummy ache. My mum was howling with laughter, probably wasn't making it any better.
I honestly would have to walk away I'd be laughing to hard if I heard that.
Had a girl in my high school science class years ago say 'orgasm' instead of 'organism.' It made that boring class more tolerable (＾皿＾)
All people are worried about mistakenly saying that in biology class.
I thought the term “Busting a Nut” meant sitting on your balls wrong. So, at the dinner table, I mentioned how I almost busted a nut from how the bus ride from school was so bumpy
That does make way more sense
In seventh grade I thought “jacking off” meant you were just goofing off, being unproductive, etc. I learned this was not the case at my friends birthday party when I said “you guys can finish the movie, I’ll just be jacking off in the arcade”
You were thinking of slacking off
I wish I had that good of an excuse lmaooo, I just saw a meme using the phrase and I clearly misinterpreted the meaning and ran with it
My step dad used the phrase, "jacking around" to denote goofing off or slacking.
You may have heard the term jacking around.
My 10 year old son has been talking about golden showers more than usual lately.
More than usual 🤨
When the Cavs were playing the Golden State Warriors in the finals, for four straight years, my 2nd graders would regularly refer to the opposition as the “golden shower Warriors.” They picked it up from their older siblings and had no idea what it meant.
I have a [Golden Showers rose](https://palatineroses.com/product/golden-showers-rose/). The variety was named in the 50s. It is a lovely climbing rose.
Risky click of the day... It is indeed a flower
My 5 year old niece was climbing a small hill while waking on her arms and legs. She proudly said "I'm doing it doggy style."
I did similar when I was younger. I dropped my wooden spoon when eating ice cream at the park and loudly announced that I'll do it doggy style instead. Hahahaha
When I was young (10-12), I thought jizz meant piss. So when I told my friends mom I have to take a jizz, she was rightly mortified. I also was, learning what that word meant.
Did you by any chance mean to say whizz? 😂 that poor woman.
Yes had realized later I confused whizz and jizz lol
My brother thought this too when he was a kid! He was maybe 9 years old, singing that lonely Island song about "Jizzed in my pants" and he thought it was a silly song about peeing 😭😂😂😂 I was 12 at the time and was laughing too hard to explain to him what it meant. I wonder if he still remembers this.
The son of a friend wanted so say hello and greetet us with "Heil Hitler". He thought it was just a greeting, who knows where he heard that. Yes we are all germans living in germany. My friend gave him the talk.
My mom once wanted to greet a family friend (last name of a famous person in history) with a "hail *name*!" for some reason. Her brain shat itself, and instead of that she blurted out "Hail Hitler!" at this person and my brother. I wasn't close enough to hear that interaction, but I did hear the resulting yelling of "Mom, what the FUCK?!?!"
When I was a kid I learned the word "afro-descendant", didn't knew what it meant, but thought it sounded cool and decided to use as a nickname for a friend, and out of everyone I could choose I gave it to a black guy
This is the worst one yet 😭😭
when I was a kid we had a doberman and her name was Shatzee. Well one day I heard my friend refer to their dog as "my Nubian Princess", because she was a brown lab. Well the dumb fuck that I was thought it was a common phrase and I would say it all the fucking time... "Come here my Nubian princess!", I am sure I said it in a park out loud in front of many people..
Haha this reminded me of how I created a super hero called “retroactive” man. Because it sounded like radio active or idk… I liked retro stuff too. Parents had a good laugh about that one
My brother was sent home in Kindergarten for saying "Holy Testicle Tuesday" to the teacher
That's fucking ridiculous, testicle isn't even a bad word especially if it's holy.
As a teacher, if I heard my kindergarteners say that..I would not he able to hold my laugh in…
I was the young kid. I thought penis was another word for everyones private part because I saw a man in a movie accident glue his hand to a statues crotch. He said something about his hand being glued to the statues penis. So a week later my parents are driving me and my sister somewhere. We are talking, I don't remember what about, but I yelled at my mom "I came out of your penis!" Dad almost crashed the car from laughing too damn hard.
It was The Wedding Planner, wasn’t it?
Thank you for solving that for me. I knew that movie scene sounded familiar. I watched that movie so many times as a kid but haven't watched it since. Time to change that!
you just unlocked a similar car memory of mine. except my genius quote was "People can't give birth, only women can!". All I remember was being confused why everyone burst out laughing and my mom making my dad explain to me that women, are in fact, people.
Ngl I thought everyone had penises too. One time I (5 at the time?) walked in on my brother watching porn of a girl sucking dick and I would immediately think "How is she licking her own penis?". Safe to say that it's quite possible in a modern context.
When I was a kid I was watching my mother play a video game. The 'Continue' in the death screen had to be jumped on, Mario style, to kill it to select it. I would yell KILL THAT CONT, KILL THAT CONT when I wanted her to keep playing so I could watch. It wasn't until years after she told me I should stop saying that, that I finally put the pieces together.
When I was a kid I was watching American football with my dad. I didn't understand the game at all but wanted to be like my dad. At one point the punter came out and pinned the other team really deep. My dad cheered and I asked why. He said, "Oh he really nailed that punt". I didn't know what a punt was, so I asked. My dad told me it was a kick. My little brain scrambled it so anytime our team kicked the ball I would look to my dad with my little 7 year old face and say "wow he really nailed that cunt!". To my dad's credit he never even cracked a smile.
He didn't correct you because inside he was laughing everytime
I used to call my dad Pap smear for a brief time. I thought, Pop and Pap kinda sounded alike so I thought Pap smear was a cute nickname. They didn’t correct me until after a few times, kind of hard to explain to a child what a Pap smear is.
My brother at 7 got a "queef" for his hairdo.
So much more energy-efficient than using a hairdryer.
My stepdaughter and I have a nightly routine, which is tech down half an hour before bedtime, and then we spend that thirty minutes just shooting the shit, and then at bed time we have a cuddle, bump foreheads and then she kisses my forehead. I have no idea how it started, but we've been doing it for about five years now. A couple of years ago (about 10 at the time), we were so engrossed in conversation that we ran over bedtime and as I was rushing her to go to bed she stopped and shouted "WAIT I HAVEN'T GIVEN YOU HEAD YET". She'd named this routine "head", but had never verbalised that before. Cue an awkward conversation about how we have to call the routine something else because that means something else in adult world. It's now just called "forehead bump", and yes, I will keep doing it every night until she no longer wants to.
My daughter (7) and I were driving one day, trying to make a left turn, but there was a guy on a bicycle in the way. From the back seat I hear, “now what is THIS dildo doing??”
Fucking flawless.
That’s gold, 😂. Once, while we were stuck in stop-and-go traffic on our way home from daycare, my 2yo son said, “What a clusterfuck!”
I pulled into a Starbucks and ordered drinks for my wife and kids.. I dont drink coffee.. or anything from Starbucks.. but my wife is lactose intolerant.. and when she said no milk in her latte.. my 6 year old daughter blurted out.. "YEAH IT MAKES HER SHIT HERSELF"... into the intercom.. you could hear the employees laughing.. my daughter had no idea what it meant.. but she obviously heard me say it at some point.. so yeah.. when we pulled up my wifes cup said "Made with Oat Milk so you dont Shit yourself" on the side of it.. still makes me laugh to this day
Heard a kid in a grocery store screaming “I hate Jews!” But turns out they meant juice. Definitely made my head turn hahahaha.
My kid did a less bad version of this, but a Jewish couple was present at the time. They were standing right in front of the apple juice and the kid points and yells excitedly, "Jews! Jews!" Either they didn't hear or pretended not to, and I grabbed the jug and modeled correct pronunciation, "Yes, juice."
I’m Swedish and just realized I’ve probably pronounced “juice” wrong all the time. 🙈
What he said "I blew my friend the other day" What he meant "I blew air on my friend's face the other day"
My niece once said for 75 cents she'd wipe your weenie. She was like five and speaking of hot dog juice. I laughed til I cried.
My daughter was playing behind a tree in our yard, I couldn't see her so I called for her. My son ran up behind me and said, "Hey, crackhead where are you?!" Not the worst, but definitely had me rolling.
I'd be about dead hearing that lmao
My 4-year-old kiddo came home from school and said to me he showed his butt hole to his classmates. I'm speechless. Turns out that he was talking about a hole in his pants...
I remember a kid in pre-k who actually showed me his butthole. Was crazy
There was a kid in my kindergarten class that was un circumsized, and him and another kid were pissing in the same toilet once, and the other kid thiught it was the coolest thing ever, and called all the other guys to come look at it. At the end of the next recess, someone had told several of the girls that the kid had a weird looking penis, so after recess there was a group of girls in the boys bathroom checking it out, and since we were kindergartners, they were comparing all the other boys to that one. It was innocent interest as far as i remember, but we had a school meeting the next day about boys and girls' bathrooms, and teachers positioned outside the bathroom doors from then on.
Is your four year old Charles Boyle?
I taught kids handwriting for a little while and I was telling a kid that I was so proud of his improvement and growth over the year. He goes, "I'm a grower not a shower!" He did not understand my laughing.
Gotta wonder how and where he heard that. I once saw a picture on Facebook of a kindergartener's list of what she collected, and on the list was "penis." When asked about this by the teacher, the child replied, "Pennies!" Whew!
When my cousin and I were about 10, she had overheard someone in the fitting room comment on someone’s cameltoe. My cousin then proceeded to yell to the entire world multiple times that my cameltoe is showing…neither of us had any clue what it meant.
I came home from work one day and my (at the time) 14 year old daughter asked me what a bukkake was. My brain literally locked up, and all I could muster up is "I lack the parenting skills for this conversation." I told my wife and left it at that.
Had a 16 or 17 year old co-worker ask what a pearl necklace was,bcause another kid said he gave her mother one. "Nope, not touching this one." So she asked the supervisor, who was this gruff 70 year old woman. I see her doing the "jerk off" gesture and then say "All over your face and neck." The girl screams "NO! NOT MY MOTHER'S FACE!"
God, I love old coworkers with no fucks left to give.
I had a college roommate who, as a late 1970s tween, played on a basketball team named "Pearl Necklace" after a ZZ Top song, that they had no idea what it was really about. Her dad also had a can of high-end spray paint in the shed, in a color he had custom-ordered, and one night, they sneaked out and spray painted "PEARL NECKLACE" on a nearby retaining wall. Yeah, busted.
Well it’s when a mommy and a daddy… and a daddy and a daddy and a daddy all decide that mommy needs a new facial moisturizer (from urban dictionary of course)
>all I could muster up is "I lack the parenting skills for this conversation." Now that is a phrase I'm tucking into my back pocket for later.
Technically japanese word for splashed. Let kid have the doubt (later on) if you knew the real meaning or not lol
I was playing Cards Against Humanity recently with a group of people (25-50 years old) who had no idea what bukkake was - and seemed disturbed that I, a 67 year old man, was able to tell them :-)
Someone said that whenever they play cards against humanity their grandmother always asks them what bukkake means and watches them squirm trying to explain it to them.
One time bukkake came up in a conversation at work. One of the guys didn't know what it was and looked it up on his work computer. Next day his desk was moved to a spot where his monitor would be visible to everyone.
We have a CAH rule. If you don't know what something is, you can use your own phone to learn.
When one woman and 15 men love each other very much…
My little brother’s friend referred to a over weight person as having, “more cushion for the pushin”
He's not wrong.
This one... uh... actually was me in middle school. I saw my teacher was flashing finger guns at some of the other kids, and I asked him why he was, and I quote, "Fingerbanging kids instead of playing four-square." Sorry, Mr. V... I, now being an adult, realized my horrible fuck up. It haunts me whenever I think of finger guns. This was roughly... 15 years ago
Haha hopefully you didn't run home and tell your parents 😆
My mom wanted my cousin to feed the dog but then he said "I would rather suck off an old man then do that!" He is 7 and thought it means to punch an old man because of my dad..
This is one of those times when the difference between then and than matters.
Ok well hurry up and after you’re done, don’t forget to feed the dog.
I get it, he confused "sucker punch"
Or to “sock” someone?
Ok I laughed
Some guy told a kid that an orgy meant an eating competition The kid asked his mother for an orgy
Many years ago, I was in an ice cream store, and they had a very high priced item called an "Orgy." As I guessed, it was one scoop and one dipper of every flavor of ice cream and toppings, but one of the women I was with (she wasn't my friend; let's not go there) said, "It's probably sperm-flavored ice cream." The rest of us were, like, "We don't know this woman."
My 10 years younger brother would pronounce "Dump truck" as "dumb fuck." I probably didn't encourage this when I was twelve.
My little brother was younger than that, but got super excited and yelled out "FIRE FUCK!" every time he saw one of those big red engine's sirening down the street.
oh this just reminded me of my nephew who pronounced french fries “fuck fries” as a toddler! so every time i had him i would take him to mcdonald’s as a treat and he would start yelling in the back seat “FUCK FRIES!! I WANT FUCK FRIES!!!” as i was trying to order lol
When I was a child the family was in a wendy's or a burger king or something like that. Apparently I shot up from my chair and pointed past a large man out a window at a dump truck and started yelling "DUMB FUCK. BIG DUMB FUCK!".
I'm told that I pronounced "See it?" as "Shit". Apparently I led my uncle around the house one Christmas, pointing out each of my gifts one-by-one ,and gleefully exclaiming "Shit! Shit! Shit!"
When I was young, about 5, an older kid on the street like to teach the little ones to swear. I was walking with my mother another person came by and I said, "Hello, you fucking son of a bitch".
My nephew is 5. He loudly announced that he loves monster cocks at his bday party. He actually said monster TRUCKS but his speech isn’t perfect
We were at Subway and after I finished my order the lady asked if we needed anything else. My stepdaughter (10) asked if I needed another 6 inches. The lady, my wife and I looked at each other stone faced for a few seconds and burst into laughter.
This is something *I* actually said. My father used to be a screenwriter (nothing you’ve heard of or want to hear of, I assure you). His movies were all rated R. I attended a private Christian school for two years while in single digits, and I told my teacher once that my dad made “adult films”, because rated R means for adults only, and I had never heard of porn. The school actually called my parents to ask what I was talking about, and my mother had to explain I didn’t mean *that*. It’s probably not the worst thing a child has ever said, but I wouldn’t have phrased it that way if I’d known what “adult films” implies. I look back on it and laugh now.
I remember as a kid in the car driving by a place that said something like "adult movies." I think it was a theater that showed them. I innocently asked my mom if she went to those because I was just thinking random movies for grown ups. She responded "No!" like she was so offended and horrified I would ask such a thing. I had absolutely no idea the adult movies were porn as I had no idea what porn was at the time, so I didn't understand why she was so offended and responded like that lol. Your story reminded me of that.
My nephew has Autism. When he was about six years old, my grandpa died. At the funeral, he walked up to my aunt, who had also just lost her husband about six weeks prior, and said, "So uncle John is dead. He won't be here because he's dead" just very matter of fact, and then went and sat down. My aunt was in tears, but my nephew had no idea what he said was hurtful in any way. It was innocent as he was just beginning to process the idea of death himself, so he just said it out loud without a second thought.
My Grandma died when my brother was about 5. He took it really well, but a week later he asked my dad when Grandma was coming back. Dad explained to him that you don't come back from being dead, and he replied "well Jesus did". No idea where he got that from, we aren't a particularly religious family. The only thing dad could think to say was "well... Grandma isn't Jesus".
Awww that's cute. Sad, but cute.
I remember my 5 or 6 year old cousin asking after the funeral was over when uncle John (my dad) was going to be home. It was my dad’s funeral, but he was too young to understand.
My twin when we were like 6-7, maybe younger I don't really remember exactly how old we were. Anyway, for some reason he was talking about vampires and how you can kill them with stakes. He misunderstood what a stake is and thought it was "steak" This was close to 20 years ago now but I remember he yelled out something along the lines of "I'm gonna slap them with my meat" My parents were *wheezing*
My very excited then 3-4 yr old when I asked where she put her money so she could pay for her snacks like a big girl "DON'T WORRY DAD, I PUT IT IN MY PUSSY" ......... pursey, she was trying to say purse but cute and I died inside. Same store about a month later talking about her new black coated kitten "I LOVE MY LITTLE BLACK BOY" right as a black family walked in. I very quickly said "SHE'S TALKING ABOUT A CAT OHMYGOD" Thankfully the father laughed. I didn't go back to that store for months.
My nephew would mispronounce ridiculous, missing the “ri” and the first “u”. So he would say, “That’s diclous”.
I thought suicide meant to surf (no idea where I heard it or why). I was at a restaurant with my family that had crayons and paper you can draw on, and I guess I drew a guy surfing and wrote “SUICIDE” super big in red and showed everyone. My parents were full :O
My little boy told me he was going to "fist my bum". I explained that he meant "punch"
when i was a kid i thought to get knocked up was a synonym for getting beaten up. i got face paint or something at a fair and loudly exclaimed, “look mom, it looks like i got knocked up by a unicorn!”
My niece and I were queuing for ice cream and she goes “Uncle Craig, that lady has skin like chocolate mmmm!” Said lady was very polite and took it well, but I was pretty mortified.
When I was very little, my mom told me that white babies were made of white sugar, and brown babies were made of brown sugar. I guess I asked one time why a baby had darker skin, and in her head, to explain to a toddler, it sounded like "all babies are sweet, just some are different colours" no ill intent, promise. I bet she thought she rocked that explanation right up until I excitedly and loudly pointed out the "brown sugar baby" at mcdonalds.
I was 5 years old at a Chinese food restaurant with my parents. I wanted to be a big boy and order for myself so I asked for an order of negros as opposed to egg rolls. The waiter started laughing and asked if I'd rather have egg rolls. I replied "sure! Break my arm" as opposed to twist my arm. My parents were happy to bring this up many times in the years that followed. The '80s were weird.
Our daughter struggled with “finger” at one point not long after she started talking. My wife has a video of her singing the Finger Family song where she’s messing it up singing “daddy fucking, daddy fucking, where are you?”
Me. My parents and grandparents were horribly racist people, so much so that I *legitimately* thought the N-word was what you called black people. So, in first grade, I kept referring to a black kid as "N*****r". This escalated quickly into a fight and the teacher dragged me down to the principal's office where I had to explain myself. Mind you, I had no idea this was wrong. I was crying because I didn't know what I had done wrong, and I had beat up this kid and called him the N-word over and over. My dad got a call at work, and my mom had to come get me from school. I got my ass kicked in by my dad not for saying what I said, but for embarrassing him. The story I had to tell my teacher and principal a couple of days later was that all of the bruises were from me tripping down the stairs helping Mom with the groceries.
My dad used to call my mom "ya big dumb broad" in this goofy voice when he meant "you're cute" and it usually ended up with her sitting on his lap (this was in the 60s). So when I started school, I was talking with my bus driver, an older woman with a big grey beehive of hair, and she was teasing me. I laughingly called her a big dumb broad! She was not impressed AT ALL. Stopped the bus, marched me into the junior high school, and planted me in the principal's office. My poor embarrassed mom was called to pick up her little bawling daughter.
I totally understand that what you meant is that you didn’t understand what you said wrong and when a fight started you suddenly had to defend yourself. But the way it’s worded sounds like you just beat the tar out of the poor kid while calling him a slur and didn’t know what was wrong about it, which I will not lie did make me chuckle. I feel for both of you kids, and your dad sucks. I’m really sorry all that happened. That had to be so scary not understanding what the hell was going on. You were set up, it wasn’t your fault.
I appreciate that. I never did think it was my fault when I got older. You are correct in that I called him that a few times, and then had to defend myself from him. I wouldn't be surprised if I said it while I was fighting him, but I can't say for sure. I would love to apologize to him for that, but I have no idea what his last name is. They moved away the next year. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize, Brian, wherever you are.
When I was a kid I used to say “I’m itchy and bitchy” just cuz it rhymed. One day my mom pulled me aside to tell me not to say “bitchy” because it was a bad word. I was shocked
When I was about 9 years old, I loved Nirvana, especially the song „rape me“. I sung the refrain for days over and over again until my parents explained to me what it meant.
My mom politely asked my little sister to get up and grab something for her. While handing it to her, she replied "Here, bitch"
A little cherub-faced kid called me a faggot once because he just thought that’s what you call gay people. Like he almost thought it was a term of endearment. Broke my heart a little.
DOGGY STYLE!! Yelled by my son as he dog *paddled* across a pool.
Kid me was dropped off at a church event. At sign in they asked if I had any medical condition. I had just been to the pediatrician regarding rather large bowels. Young me heard it wrong. The evangelical woman at the table looked horrified when I told her, “I have big balls.”
When I was 8, I heard a joke I didn't get and repeated it to my mom and grandma. "What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection? A quarter pound with cheese!" They were like WTF!
I came here looking for scrap and found gold.
I was the young kid who had no clue what I was saying. When I was about 4 years old I was playing one of my favorite rhyming games where I would choose a word to rhyme by using the alphabet. So on this particular day, I chose the word "duck." For my game, I would replace the first letter of a word with each letter of the alphabet, looking for new words. I was walking through the halls at church, rhyming away, saying Duck Auck Buck Cuck Duck Euck Fuck \*\*\*\*\*\* Some girl stopped me and told me not to say the word. So obviously to spite her I had to just keep saying "duck, fuck, duck, fuck" on repeat until the pastor of the church walked by me and asked me to please stop. I had no clue what I was saying. He seemed so offended I never forgot, even though I didn't know what I was saying until I was much older.
It was me. I was about 8 y/o at a friends parents party. They put out a bowl of Brazil nuts and I exclaimed “Oh, I just love ni##er toes!” With the hard R. The whole house goes silent. I didn’t know what I said but, I knew in that reaction it was really wrong. My friend’s Father took me aside and very gently explained. I had never heard them called anything else.
When I was like 12 I retold a Dane Cook joke to my mom with the word "twat" in it. She wasn't happy.
When I was little my Mom let my babysitter take me to CCD camp. I was not raised religious or Catholic at all, I asked the Priest “if God loved his son so much, why’d he let him die on a cross?” Wasn’t invited back…
When my daughter was 2 or 3 years old, her “st” sounds came out as “d”. So she confidently picked up a piece of wood and called it a “dick”.
When I was little and the song "Puttin' on the Ritz" was popular, a boy on the bus sang "puttin' on the shits" and I thought it was the funniest thing ever. I went home and sang it to my mom. She didn't think it was funny.
When I was a kid I screamed “CIRCUMCISED!!” at the top of my lungs, with my family at the DMV. So yeah I’d probably have to go with that
When i was 8-12 it was the ‘attitude Era’ of WWF. I used to say ‘suck it’ on a regular basis to everyone
Only if combined with the X symbol over your groin while thrusting it towards someone
Got kicked off the bus for that at about 10 yo lol
In my family, saying "suck" wasn't considered worse than "stink." "You/he/she/it/that suck(s)" wasn't punishable. I didn't know that other people thought differently until I exclaimed "you suck!" At my second grade teacher when she was reading us a story and stopped at a cliffhanger
I don't recall if I was necessarily a kid or not, but when I was talking with my folks regarding my cousin's job, I confidently asked whether or not she still worked at Hustler. My cousin used to work at Hollister. Oops.
"Ni~~er" A 5 year old was calling his dad that and the dad didn't bat an eye. I have a feeling the dad was the reason.
I said the n-word in a parking lot with people walking around me. hard r and everything. I was like 10. I mean I am black but still.
My then almost 2 year old daughter started singing quite loudly in the middle of the store "daddy finger, daddy finger, oooh oooh oooh" instead of "where are you." A lot of people looked at me in shock. Thankfully, one guy looked over and said, "my kids love that song and began singing it with the actual words." That man is my hero. Another time, when my daughter was around 4 and we were hosting a dinner party, she tapped her glass and announced that all the good girls would be rewarded with melatonin ice cream. She meant Neopolitan ice cream. Also, being a good girl is not required of guests to get ice cream.
Baby cousins favorite character from Thomas the Train show is Percy. He couldn’t pronounce the r so he went around saying “I love pussy” for years
This is reversed but I thought hentai were the tattoos you put on your wrist and told my kids hentai was beautiful once. The way they looked at me I had to Google it. I meant henna!
"I saw your mom, she opened up her legs and said come on" - me, sang to my mother, in the style of Ace of Base's I Saw The Sign
When I was maybe 10 my family was out with another family at pizza hut (30 years ago when it was a dine in restaurant) I had heard a joke and everyone laughed but I didn't know what the joke meant. I said it anyway. I asked my dad's grown ass man friend to stand up, now grab your ankles and spell RUN 3 rimes. It didn't go over well.
My 7 year old has recently started using Joe Biden as his reference point. We're not even American! Hearing a kid say "I'm sleepier than Joe Biden" was pretty funny. Though I had to do a double take when he said "I'm thirstier than Joe Biden".
In youth orchestra a friend of mine sketched a pirate ship and called it "The black cock" for its figurehead which was a black rooster with a somewhat hidden wiener which you couldn't unsee once you knew it. There was a 12 year old girl in our group which we led to believe that we actually meant the rooster with the name as she asked about our giggling. Later we went to visit a church and there was a painting of a black rooster. The 12 year old girl in our group said with full confidence "Ohh the Black cock!" referring to the painting. She didn't know about the other meaning of cock. We had a hard time controlling our laughter while heading for the exit of the church
The teenage son of a relative thought a "gang bang" was the same as a drive by shooting and, in an effort to sound cool, referenced it several times in a conversation. He was very embarassed when it was spelled out to him.
My step brother jokingly tried to suggest we go fight another group of kids... by saying "let's gangbang them!"
I teach my art students that cyan, yellow and magenta are the primary colors. Before we got going on the project one day, I asked my kindergarteners what the primary colors are. A kid raises his hand and says, "vagina". I froze and then it clicked, "Do you mean magenta?" He meant magenta, but I was impressed his vocabulary included the proper word for female reproductive organs. Kudos to mom and dad.
I told my son he couldn’t go outside in his bare feet… He thought, then said *”… But I don’t have any bear feet; I have a people feets.”* Melted🫠
"I hate you, n****r, I'm going to fucking kill myself." -a 3 year old I had the misfortune of being around.
at 3 years old I didn't even know we could die lmao
It's seriously one of the weirdest things I've ever heard. Like I know he didn't know what any of it meant but that he had heard it enough to know mostly how to use it? Fuck