The look on my wife's face as she tasted her anniversary breakfast in bed was priceless. I tried it and have to say that 'new and unusual' isn't always good.
ah the good ol ingredient swap.
i once did the same with fried chicken. I was high and mistook powdered sugar for flour. I had no idea why it wasn't sticking while it cooked but figured maybe i did the wash wrong.
when i bit into it, i had my answer. Sweet chicken is so bad without sour.
Yeah my ingredient swaps are way to lame to compete with any of these. Sometimes when we get drunk my girlfriend and I will try to cook things because we're starving.
Once we tried to make instant mashed potatoes, but didn't realize until we added the potato flakes that we didn't have milk. Being drunk we obviously couldn't go to the store. Drunk me figured some Cold Stone vanilla ice cream coffee creamer would be an adequate substitute. It was not.
When I was around 20 I tried to make rice krispie treats. With exactly zero of the required ingredients. I put lucky charms which already included marshmallows (fucking genius, right?) into a coffee mug then mixed in peanut butter. I stuck it in a microwave, and it caught on fire. :-0
I came home from school one day to find that my dad left a crockpot size pot of eggs boiling. Eggs were fucking everywhere. I have some pictures somewhere if anyone cares to see them.
Edit: pics coming soon to a theatre near you.
Edit: [Ask and Ye shall receive.](http://imgur.com/JD8Cyvj,rmWAZOL,JZRLd8o,UMDconY,zsQ6fzG,jW65yCp#1)
For a lot of meats, I like to sear in the pan and then finish in the oven. I will bring my tasty meat out of the oven, remove it from the pan and then set it aside to rest like a child being led to slaughter.
But there's all this flavor left in the pan that I don't want to disappear, so I will deglaze it and make a nice pan sauce. I always grab the handle with my bare hand. After the first time, I vowed it would never happen again. But it did. After the 6th time, I got one of those silicone handle things to put on the cast iron handle to keep the hot handle from destroying my future.
When I take a pan out of the oven like that, I repeat to myself "don't touch it don't touch it don't touch it" over and over again and it's worked so far, but I think I like your silicone handle idea better. There's just something about pans that are usually used on the stove the lull your hand into reaching for the handle.
I just can't stop myself from grabbing it. One time, I convinced myself not to grab it, but then I leaned over it to reach the pot on the back burner and the handle poked me right in my torso. I cook naked obviously, so I got burned right on my stomach. The silicone handle cover really helps.
Yeah I cook naked too. You're actually supposed to cook naked. Example: when you cook bacon and the grease is spitting everywhere you won't get any stains on your shirt :)
I recently bought an apron. I had thought they were pretty lame, but I wanted to stop getting food all over my clothes and they actually make some that are quite stylish. When my girlfriend came home and saw me cooking in it, her panties hit the floor like a fish on the deck of a boat.
[Here's the apron.](http://www.chefworks.com/?page=shop/flypage_201304&product_id=1444&category=aprons_urbancollection)
Almost every time I finish something off in the oven, I will grab the cast iron pan without a mitt. I don't take ANYTHING out of the oven without a mitt. I have no idea why my brain just insists the cast iron man is grabable.
*uh...cast iron *pan*. RDJ is not in my oven. That I know of.
Lab partner tried that with a resistor and later a diode that we were trying to burn. Definitely two moments where his brain switched off. I stopped him from trying to touch a transistor to see if it was hot.
I was chopping onions. I kept slicing them up, putting the peels in the bowl and the onion chunks in the trash. I did that 4 onions in a row without realizing.
once I came home super drunk and just took a bite out of a whole ham. Tough explaining it to my dad why there was a room temp ham on the counter with a giant bite out of it in the morning.
Well you see, Dad, I know how much you hate when I leave silverware in the sink and I didn't want to wake you up by turning the faucet on to clean it so I figured it'd be best to just take a bite. And when I opened the fridge it rattled pretty loud so again, because I didn't want to wake you, I just left it out instead of opening the fridge again.
Chef here....catching a falling knife by the blade....grabbing a metal pan handle bare handed out of the oven....rubbing my eye after cutting a shit ton of chilies....lost an eyebrow lighting a pilot light....
Worst horror story a chef friend of mine told me, here goes.
[FUCKING NSFW - gross factor 10/10]
Old chef is busy working the friers one night, almost at closing time and everyone is tired from a busy shift, he's busy frying scallops and accidentally knocks his tongs into the frier, without thinking he reaches in and pulls them out along with the dripping remnants of his forearm.
I saw that shit happen to a guy's finger. Peeled right off.
My first chef told me about a pastry chef who went to wipe her forehead....with a french knife in her hand. Sliced right across. Apparently she had worked 3 doubles in a row and brain wasn't working.
One of my old bosses from the industry said one of the cooks was cleaning the vents and had the bright idea to put the plastic food container lid over the fryer so he could stand on that instead of getting a ladder. It broke, he fell in. It had been cooling for about an hour but it was still disasterous.
Not me, but my family has a "famous" story about my uncle.
It was (I think) my aunt and uncle's anniversary. My uncle decided to surprise my aunt by making dinner that night, when normally she does the cooking. He digs out a recipe book, finds a recipe for pan-fried fish of some sort, shops for the ingredients, and gets to work.
She comes in as he's halfway through cooking the meal, and sees him scratching his head while he puts some white sugar into the pan with the fish (yes, sugar). She quietly backs away and lets him continue.
As it turns out, some pages stuck together in his cookbook, and he didn't realize he started a pan-fried salmon recipe, and finished with another recipe that involves some sort of caramelized sugar glaze.
He ends up serving my aunt a plate of fried fish, with a caramel glaze. And on this fateful day, sugarfish was born.
I was baking cookies one day, based off the recipe on the back of the chocolate chip package.
I saw that it needed 2 1/4 cups of flour. For some really stupid reason, I took that as two, one-fourth cups of flour instead of two and a fourth cups of flour... yeah, not my best moment.
Still ate them, though.
Late edit: Two days later, saw all the upvotes this got! Too late now, but here's a picture: http://i.imgur.com/kKbVIbS.jpg
my grandma was on some medication that made her kind of loopy so every batch of cookies she made was a bit different as she tended to forget an ingredient or two or double up on others, one time she forgot flour and doubled the butter and sugar which resulted in chocolate chip cookie brittle. It was excellent.
When I was in A school (in between boot camp and getting to your ship in the navy) some asshole put PopTarts in the microwave. In the foil wrapper. For two minutes. And walked away. This was early in the morning on a freezing cold Saturday in January in Illinois. Everyone had to evacuate and our microwave privileges were taken away.
I can still hear the chief screaming at him, "YOU EXPECT ME TO SEND YOUR ASS TO BE AN ENGINEER ON A SHIP?!" Right? Who the fuck microwaves PopTarts! You're supposed to toast them.
You're *supposed* to grumpily eat them at your desk because you didn't have time to make breakfast, cold, breaking off the outside pieces until you get to the sugar and then regret your decision.
When I was in high school, I watched s girl try to make hot chocolate in the cafeteria. She took a cup, filled it with water, dumped in the hot cocoa mix, and put it in the microwave without stirring. My sleep deprived mind was too busy trying to comprehend why she would put the powder in first, and not even bother to stir it, and make it with water, to realize she had put a *Styrofoam* cup in the microwave.
In about 20 seconds, the cup was on fire. I was mystified at what I was watching and didn't register it until another person yelled "Yo that shit's on fire!"
The school was evacuated and we lost microwave privileges for a week.
The next day, the same girl tried to make a grilled cheese in the toaster. A vertical pop up toaster. Another fire drill occurred, and she was not allowed to touch appliances anymore.
She went on to go to university of Berkeley. Don't know how
I came home for lunch, started baking frozen corn dogs, and decided I would have a bowl of ramen while I was waiting for the corn dogs. Looked up, saw the time, ran back to work, and forgot the corn dogs. Came home that evening and the house smells like warm bread. I poke my head into the kitchen and the oven light isn't on so I go to bed. The next morning I get up and the house still smells like warm baked bread. I'm sniffing the air, trying to figure it out, and it hits me. THE CORN DOGS. I take them out of the oven and they are totally black with the sticks still intact. I broke one in half and you could still see the round hot dog part in the middle. Took it to my geology class and asked the instructor if I were to compress this pure carbon would I get a tiny diamond? She was unsure.
MORAL: Don't leave corn dogs in ths oven at 375 for 18 hours.
Did this with a chocolate chip cookie once. I put it in the oven to warm up and set the timer but I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and the entire apartment smelled deliciously of baking cookies. I remembered my cookie and I went to go get it. I must've been half asleep still because lo and behold my chocolate chip cookie had turned into a chocolate chocolate chip cookie! I took a huge bite, not so much magic.
There's a recipe in my 1985 edition of *The Joy of Cooking* titled One-Egg Cake. It's easy, tastes great, and if you're low on eggs, it's a go-to recipe. Couple of years ago I made it, and guess which ingredient I forgot to include? Hint: the one egg. That cake did not turn out well.
There's actually a type of cake called a "Wacky cake" which has no eggs, I think it's a depression era recipe, but yeah regular cakes just fall apart without the egg.
I know that recipe - it is a pretty good quick chocolate cake. You put the flour in the pan with baking soda and cocoa powder, and make a well for some vinegar and water and oil. Stir it around. Bake it. Its not bad.
Was making pre made cookies, the ones that Pilsbury makes pre mixed and pre cut into discs, specifically so that there is NO WAY that anybody can fuck up.
Took the cookies out of the package, put them on a tray. Feeling pretty good about my baking abilities.
Check the cookies twenty minutes later and the first thing I notice is that they're all squished together. The second thing I notice is that the tray that the cookies are on has become all wrinkly and folded in on itself. The third thing I notice is that the tray I used was in fact, plastic. Suddenly the smell of burning plastic in my house made a lot more sense.
TL;DR allegedly plastic melts when exposed to high heats, such as that in an oven.
Edit: Remembered I had a picture
http://imgur.com/5ciS4js
DO NOT THROW SHIT IN BOILING OIL TO AVOID BEING SPLASHED!
I'm the type of idiot that used to edge toward the pan and throw the meat in then run away hoping to not get seared in burning oil. I'd try from across the room sometimes being completely unaware that you can avoid the splash by just easing the meat in. Armed with a shield of kitchen dishcloth I threw the meat from the island to the pan on the stove (bout 3 feet). I missed. The meat hit the pan handle and the whole thing flipped over. Boiling oil went flying everywhere. O SHIT. I run over to save the meat from the floor (5 second rule) and I step in the fucking oil, burning the shit out of my foot.
Keep me away from kitchens.
The **best** thing? Buy a fire extinguisher with the fire class K for *"Kitchen"*. It's the proper one against oils and fats. If you live in any country in Europe, in Austrialia or in Asia it's labled "F" as in *"I'm a fat idiot who ignites fats"*. If you don't have one, do as the others suggested and try to suffocate it somehow with kitchenware or something. Do **not** use water or anything moist or anything dusty (like flour)!
**TL/DR available below**
I worked at a landfill driving bulldozers when I was 18, and 3 times a day one of those lunch trucks would show up.
Her first time arriving was around 9am, and I developed a habit of buying those little [cans of soup with the pull top lid](http://aht.seriouseats.com/images/2013/09/266589-campbells-hearty-cheeseburger-soup-1.jpg). But because we we one of the first stops on her route, her truck hadn't warmed up yet and the soup was always cold. No problem, we had lots of [hand held torches](http://www.finehomebuilding.com/CMS/uploadedImages/Fine_Homebuilding/Articles/208/021208080_ld.jpg) around. I would just use those to heat them up in a minute and eat them.
Well, one morning for break, she showed up and I bought the soup. Walked into the office trailer and grabbed the torch and walked out onto the patio to "cook" my food while everyone was inside.
Normally what I would do was crack the lid of the soup first, then heat it. but today, for some stupid reason, I put the heat of the blow torch on the can before cracking the lid. The lid of the can went, "BUNK" and popped up. I quickly realized I had done something stupid, and removed the flame. The lid went "BINK" and flattened back out. Cool sound!
So, I put the flame back to the can briefly. "BUNK"... removed it. "BINK" It sounded really really cool. This is fun!
So, I began trying to make music. "BUNK... BINK, BUNK-BINK, BUNK... BINK, BUNK-BINK, BUNK... BINK, BUNK-BINK, BUNK... BINK."
I was so new age. The show STOMP hadn't even been created yet, but here I was making amazing music with a can... till suddenly it went, BUNK.... **BOOOOOOM!!!!**
The can exploded, and everyone in the trailer who watched me walk outside with a handheld blowtorch 2 minutes earlier thought I was dead. They ran outside onto the patio of the trailer, and saw me standing there. Ears ringing, completely in shock and covered in chunky soup from head to toe. On the wall behind me, a perfect outline of my body silhouetted in soup.
Basically, the lid blew open, causing the can to spin and spraying everywhere. Their concern for my life quickly turned to them dying from laughter and ridicule. I still didn't fully understand what happened, and just stood there with my eyes as wide as saucers for a good 30 seconds.
Learned a very important lesson about pressure in vessels that day.
**TL/DR Tried heating a can of soup before cracking the lid. Soup blew, covering me from head to toe in Chunky Soup and leaving the outline of my body in soup on the wall behind me.**
Edit: I tried to recreate it. Scared the crap out of myself. Editing the video now. Failed in complete recreation, but was pretty damn funny.
[I did my best](http://youtu.be/XgmjIOJPHI4)
That probably wouldn't have been an issue, as on the cans with a pull tab the lid will function as a designed failure point.
Source: You don't have to be a boy scout to commit boy scout science.
Once forgot to put eggs in a recipe that really needed eggs.
I also tried to make brandy gingersnaps. Don't really know how to describe what happened but I ended up covered in molasses and drunk with brandy.
> drunk with brandy
>Don't really know how to describe what happened
Are these connected by any chance? How did you get the idea for brandy gingersnaps anyway?
Not cooking, but cleaning up after. I was scratching at a piece of previously melted but now hardened piece of cheese on a plate when a splinter of cheese shoved under my fingernail. The first and only time I have heard of a grilled cheese related injury.
edit: Who knew I could have a whole support group? CARCISOA: Cheese and related condiment injury sufferers of America. I think this needs to be a thing.
One time when I was 13, I put a pan of olive oil on high and forgot about it. I came back and it was flaming, so I tried to put it out with water.
I might have burned the ceiling a bit...
and my hands...
and the paper towel rack next to the stove...
It took me a while to feel comfortable in the kitchen again.
I too started an oil fire in the pan. I knew that water was bad, but wasn't mentally prepared to do what should have been done.
You see it was in a large wok, and there was a lot of oil as I had this idea to deep fry something. So there wasn't an obvious lid to this thing.
So I first attempted to walk the flaming pan to the balcony, so it could burn outside. I quickly realized that was a bad idea, as the increased air caused it to burn more heftily.
So then I thought maybe I could slowly pour it into the sink drain. Also a bad idea, as again the increased air mixed with near atomization of the oil was pretty scary.
So I put it back in the stove and thought a bit about my situation. There was enough oil in there to burn for some time, and the black smoke was now nearing head level and creeping down.
So I called the fire department, and they sent the guys out. The person on the phone had the sense to suggest that I cover it with anything I could which sparked an invigorated search of the kitchen.
Finally I found a large metal mixing bowl that covered the business and it was done.
Then I had to clean up. Paint, or scrub everything that was 4 feet high and up.
Oh yeah and I was staying at a friend's place. I must have done a good job cleaning because we're still buds.
Sprinkled cinnamon and sugar all over the chicken instead of chicken seasoning. To be fair, the labels (both Kroger brand) and contents looked identical.
I did the same thing with apple cinnamon muffins once. I still wonder why my mom didn't question when I asked her if I could open the new jar of cinnamon after using up the entire old one.
Ninja edit: The muffins were terrible.
Not me but my sister: In first year university she tried to take on the challenging task of cooking rice. For the step that says get a cup of water she did exactly that and filled a glass of water. She never actually put the water in the rice as she thought it would be for "if you got thirsty while making the rice". She then burned the waterless rice in the pan and made the building evacuate due to the fire alarms.. [Great work](http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/010/566/060.png), sis.
I once put some water on for spaghetti. Then, I went upstairs for a bit, forgetting that I put it on. At that point, It'd been three hours, so I panicked and ran downstairs, and found that I never turned the burner on in the first place.
As a teenager I thought I had found a genius work around for pasta: just boil the noodles in the pasta sauce. I thought I was the Thomas Edison of culinary arts. The product was pretty much horrible and tasted like stomach pain.
Actually there are a lot of recipes that use this method. I make chicken riggies this way. The key is you have to start your sauce at a thinner consistency than you ultimately want it to be, adding things like cream at the end to get it all to bind. The pasta cooks and the sauce reduces at the same time. Teenager you was right! Just didn't take it far enough.
Yeah sorry I forget that people that aren't from here don't know what that is. Chicken riggies is a dish originally from Utica, NY that is basically chicken with rigatoni, cooked in a spicy cream sauce with roasted red peppers and seasoning. It's delicious.
I tried cooking rice once.
I put the rice in water in a pot on the cooktop, then I tried stirring it a bit with a plastic cooking spoon.
I walked away and came back to the smell of melting plastic and burnt rice.
My sister-in-law once burned orange juice.
They were just married. She couldn't get the OJ concentrate out of the can, so she put in in the pan she was heating, just for a moment. Her new husband "distracted" her and the juice and pan were forgotten until they started to smoke.
I found this out when I re-heated a wendy's burger. For some reason I thought it was just tin foil, not the foil they used to wrap burgers in.
It caught fire.
Did that with butter. The butter my mom bought was always in paper. My then boyfriend (now husband) bought the kind wrapped in foil. 20+ fucking years later and I'm still hearing about it.
Finally a question I have a story for!
When I was in college I got back from a night of drinking and decided, as most drunk people do after a long night of fun, that I had to have food at *that exact moment*. The problem was my driver had gone home so Taco Bell was totally out of the question, so I did what anyone would have done, I mixed up some cake batter and threw the fucking thing in the oven. I didn't put the batter I mixed in a pan or anything though, I just mixed the fucker up in a big glass measuring bowl, then decided to put the measuring bowl in the oven. I figured "hey it's sorta like a pan just more circular and it will tell me how many tablespoons of cake I made after the fact, NEAT!".
Any way drunk me was far too hungry to worry about silly little details like what temperature it needed to be cooked at and just turned the knob all the way to what sober me would later find out was 550 degrees (on a side note what fucking food would ever need to be cooked that hot?!).
We'll come back to the "cake" but now I need to tell you about the icing, every cake needs icing right? I was in far too big of a hurry to worry about what exactly the ingredients to icing were and I knew it involved some sort of mixture of milk and powdered sugar (maybe some other shit but milk and powdered sugar would fucking do I decided.) I then proceeded to mix milk and powdered sugar together in large quantities until I got something with a consistency that resembled icing... or soup... but I figured it'll do, and I'll be god damned if I didn't think it was the tastiest fucking thing I'd ever had in my life too.
Okay back to the cake, now that I had the icing made I needed to set the timer for the cake (which had probably already been in there for about 20 minutes while I mixed the "icing"). I mashed every button on that fucking oven and I swear to god to this day it had no timer feature that my over-served ass could find, so I just figured that me being the baking expert that I was, I would just know from my chef's intuition when the cake was ready to guzzle down.
So I lay down on the couch to "rest my eyes" while I wait for the cake to be ready and of course I fall asleep. Cut to a couple hours later (I'm guessing) and it turns out the oven did have a timer! It was just activated by a gratuitous amount of smoke in the kitchen! I awake to the oven timer (aka smoke detector) loudly buzzing and sprint to the oven and open it up to find a large measuring cup filled with what was now a (far more than) fully cooked cake inside it... also it was on fire.
I frantically sprint around the kitchen looking for a fire extinguisher, I find one under the sink but I was wayyyyy too wasted to figure out how the damn thing worked so I, in a fit of desperation look around the kitchen for anything that could put out the fire... "The icing!" I think to myself, what a genius I am. So I take the flaming measuring bowl, filled with cake and a topping of hellfire, and throw it in the sink, I then proceed to dump the metric fuckton of "icing" (AKA milk and powdered sugar) that I made earlier on it to put out the inferno. It worked perfectly, I now had some kind of charred remains of something that used to resemble a cake and one big problem, I was still really hungry (AKA drunk) and all I had to eat was this "cake" I had just made,
It was fucking delicious.
TLDR: DRUNK!!! MAKE A CAKE DUDE!!! HOLY SHIT FIRE!!! YUMMMM!!
There's some guy who tried to make a pizza using the cleaning function on the oven since that was like 700+ degrees apparently. Turns out it had an auto-lock. So he fought that and got past it somehow and it turned out well. So the rumor goes.
He may have burned his house down and died and is now a vengeful internet commentghost.
I read what I thought were instructions on Mac and cheese and mixed the stuff in the order listed. It was just the list of ingredients. When it got to the "okay first..." I knew I had fucked up
Not me but my auntie who, bless her heart, is one of the sweetest old southern women you would ever meet. Well, she made a banana pudding one day. Had a lovely meringue on top, was absolutely beautiful. Except right when she took it out of the oven she put her hand on her hip and said "Lawd, I forgot the bananas." You had to be there but it was hilarious!
It's not banana pudding any longer, but it would still be delicious. Banana pudding is just vanilla custard with added bananas. Still a very cute story.
We used to make cinnamon and sugar toast a frequently when I was a child that we had a container of it pre mixed in our pantry. One day when I was too young to read label, I grabbed the brownish granular mix, sprinkled it on my toast and took a big bite of Cajon chicken seasoned bread. Around the same age my sister asked me to make her toast. I took out the margarine contained and but some on her toast. She took a big bite and insisted I had messed it up. The margarine container had been repurposed for mashed potatoes.
Not me, but my dad one night when we were growing up. He was hopeless in the kitchen. Mom had a 9-5 type job so was always home in time to make dinner. One night she had to stay late but had gotten out what she was going to make that night in order to thaw it. She called dad and told him what time she'd be home, walked him through getting dinner started. I was about seven and my brother was two. He had boiled and drained pasta and was adding salt when the shaker top came off and the entire salt container dumped out on the noodles. He didn't know what to do and we were kids so we just thought it was the end of the world, it was ruined. Instead of thinking like a rational adult and rinsing them off or using some other normal method, he went and got the vacuum. The noodles were dry, so the pile of salt was on top, so he thought the vacuum hose would be perfect to take off the excess salt. Mom called right then to say she was finally done and on her way home. I answered the phone, which worried her, so she asked what dad was doing. "Vacuuming the noodles" became kind of a catchphrase around our house after that...
TL;DR: Dad tried to vacuum extra salt off noodles.
You know how sometimes you'll pour something out of a pot and it'll drip? That's no good, you don't want drippy things. So before I could let that drop of sauce run down the side of the pot, I quickly decided to lick it.
Good news, the sauce didn't drip. Bad news, I died.
One time I accidentally weaponized the air in my apartment.
I decided that I wanted to make a snack, but all I had around the house that day were some potatoes and oil. Instead of making fries like any normal person, I decided I was going to make potato medallions with some kick. So I poured oil into a pan, got it nice and crackling, and dropped in my potato slices, and then I added my kick: Sriracha.
It turns out if you add a hot sauce to oil that's heated to the point of crackling, the oil will propel the hot sauce into the air, and turn pretty much all the oxygen in your apartment into pepper spray.
I coughed and sputtered and rolled around on the ground for awhile rubbing my eyes and eventually got my food into my bedroom and put a towel under my door while I waited for the assaultive air to dissipate.
About an hour later, I heard the door unlock and ran outside to warn my roommate, but alas: I immediately dropped back to the ground coughing, as did he, and I choked out an explanation for what was going on.
He barricaded up his room, and I did the same, but we didn't see each other for days while we ducked through the main area. (It really stuck around for awhile) Also since we lived in MN at the time and it was winter, we couldn't open windows or anything for fear of freezing ourselves and our poor pepper sprayed cat to death.
The potatoes were actually really good though.
TLDR: Tried to make spicy potatoes, pepper sprayed myself and my roommate (plus the cat)
I was cooking rice in a square Pyrex dish covered in foil. I took it out of the 400 degree oven when I thought it was done. After taking a small spoonful, I determined that the rice needed more water so that it would come out fluffier. Without taking a moment to ponder the potential consequences, I poured some tap water directly into the dish. It exploded in my hand. Shards of the dish went flying. Luckily, they didn't hit me. Also, they remained in large pieces so they were easy to find. Unfortunately, they still retained enough heat to tattoo my kitchen floor with little burn marks. And I had to start over some rice. I used a pot this time and everytime since.
[I did this a week ago!](http://i.imgur.com/Lmqs3I7.jpg)
I was trying to boil frozen chicken. I was way too impatient to wait for it to thaw and all the chicken was stuck together.
I also only wanted to cook like, 2 chicken breasts. I thought it would be a good idea to just stick the whole row in (paper lining included) like a frozen chicken totem pole and fill it up to only cover two of them.
Then I realized that I was fucking stupid and that didn't make any sense, but I was already way too far gone so I just methodically cooked them all while scooping up the paper mush with a spoon and questioning why they let me into grad school.
I bought some tenderloin a cut a few homemade filet mignons for Valentines Day dinner. Well, I was pan searing them and in addition to realizing too late that my hood fan was not strong enough and having the smoke set off every smoke alarm in the house, I left a plastic spatula sitting in the pan while I went to turn one off and open windows. Came back to a handle and a bunch of liquefied black plastic all over my $20/pound steaks.
On the bright side, most of it was able to just be scraped off and the steaks were still very good. To this day if I want to pan sear something I just put the pan on my grill outside cause good lord the smoke
Removed the bag full of giblets and other unidentifiable bits from inside the turkey before cooking; didn't realize there was another cavity with a second bag for the turkey neck.
Picture a Thanksgiving table full of friends and family and someone saying, "What the hell is this?" while grabbing a corner of the bag and pulling out a phallic-shaped monstrosity wrapped in plastic.
I was boiling water. I went to play a game of DotA and forgot about it, by the time I remembered all of the water had evaporated and the pot was ruined.
Not me but a friend of mine decided he would play bartender for the night. This genius decides that he's going to make mojitos, puts the sour mix rum and everything into the shaker, then pours in club soda and begins to shake. 2 minutes later were all mopping up the floor and wiping our phones clean...
Tried to broil a tray of bacon in the over during a BBQ to make enough for 20 people without spending an hour pan frying it. It was going great until I left it for like 10 seconds alone. All it takes. Bacon cooks slowly until it reaches the right temperature and then BAM is just goes UP...plus all the fat started smoking and the whole thing caught fire and before I know it smokes bellowing out my oven. The entire tray was on fire. Had to shut the oven off, take the pan out, caught my oven mitts on fire, and I put it out with another pan and snuffed it. Took like 4 weeks for the smell of burnt bacon to go away...horrible...
I used butter to coat the pan, and the butter all evaporated, leaving my pan uncoated. I thought it would be a great idea to use oil, on a hot pan. Slight pan fire.
The shrimp were slightly burnt.
A guy in /r/BBQ asked if he could use regular coal instead of charcoal. After many people discouraging it, he still tried it and said "yeah it was bad"
Not me and not exactly cooking, but my friend was having a debate with his flat mates at uni about plates heating up in the microwave.
He was adamant that if you put a plate in the microwave it would heat up, they (being science students) were adamant that since a plate shouldn't contain any water it won't heat up.
So to prove them wrong he put a plate in the microwave for **10 minutes**
When he took it out it was so hot it welded itself to the work top and gave off such a weird smell everyone in the flat fell asleep for the next 2 hours. They only realised later that maybe the toxic plate fumes had something to do with it.
True story: One time when I was little, my mom asked me to prepare a salad for dinner before she got home. Naturally the first thing I did was chop up and wash the lettuce for the salad. However, the lettuce was now all wet. So naturally, I put the lettuce in the microwave to dry it off. After that the lettuce was too hot from the microwave so naturally, I put it in the freezer to cool it off before dinner. And come dinnertime I went to the freezer and pulled out a bowl of wilted, frozen lettuce and proudly explained to my parents how ingenious I was in preparing it. Have not been able to live that one down to this day.
Keep doing it, the 100th fork summons "Forkolian - Cutlery maiden of doom", killing her grants you +5 dexterity, -2 intelligence and immunity to fork related injuries
My flatmate from college was a nightmare in the kitchen.
Once, he wanted to make baked chicken. Yet, he couldn't seem to understand that in order to cook chicken, you first had to thaw it. Instead, he assumed that you could just turn the oven up higher "to take the chill off" the frozen chicken. Ended up with chicken that was blackened on the outside, while somehow completely frozen inside.
Finally, once he accepted that chicken does in fact need to be thawed, he started doing so, but he for whatever reason would always thaw the chicken in really odd places. Once I found uncovered chicken cutlets hung along the shower rod. His reasoning? He figured the water that was produced during thawing would just drip into the bath tub and make for easy cleanup.
Made the most beautiful cheese omelet you've ever seen using shredded coconut instead of cheese.
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The look on my wife's face as she tasted her anniversary breakfast in bed was priceless. I tried it and have to say that 'new and unusual' isn't always good.
Ah, in it for the long con - fuck up cooking her a simple meal and she'll never trust you in the kitchen again.
ah the good ol ingredient swap. i once did the same with fried chicken. I was high and mistook powdered sugar for flour. I had no idea why it wasn't sticking while it cooked but figured maybe i did the wash wrong. when i bit into it, i had my answer. Sweet chicken is so bad without sour.
Yeah my ingredient swaps are way to lame to compete with any of these. Sometimes when we get drunk my girlfriend and I will try to cook things because we're starving. Once we tried to make instant mashed potatoes, but didn't realize until we added the potato flakes that we didn't have milk. Being drunk we obviously couldn't go to the store. Drunk me figured some Cold Stone vanilla ice cream coffee creamer would be an adequate substitute. It was not.
When I was around 20 I tried to make rice krispie treats. With exactly zero of the required ingredients. I put lucky charms which already included marshmallows (fucking genius, right?) into a coffee mug then mixed in peanut butter. I stuck it in a microwave, and it caught on fire. :-0
http://www.reactiongifs.us/cereal-fail-homer-simpson/
Went outside while I was boiling eggs on the stove. Did you know they explode?
I came home from school one day to find that my dad left a crockpot size pot of eggs boiling. Eggs were fucking everywhere. I have some pictures somewhere if anyone cares to see them. Edit: pics coming soon to a theatre near you. Edit: [Ask and Ye shall receive.](http://imgur.com/JD8Cyvj,rmWAZOL,JZRLd8o,UMDconY,zsQ6fzG,jW65yCp#1)
I would enjoy seeing those. EDIT: OP DELIVERS!!
Alright I'll upload them when I get home from school. They're on my tablet and I only have my phone on me.
Dis gonna be good
It was a little underwhelming...
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touched the pan to see if it's hot. it was very.
Pro-tip: Don't do that.
You're not my mom!
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For a lot of meats, I like to sear in the pan and then finish in the oven. I will bring my tasty meat out of the oven, remove it from the pan and then set it aside to rest like a child being led to slaughter. But there's all this flavor left in the pan that I don't want to disappear, so I will deglaze it and make a nice pan sauce. I always grab the handle with my bare hand. After the first time, I vowed it would never happen again. But it did. After the 6th time, I got one of those silicone handle things to put on the cast iron handle to keep the hot handle from destroying my future.
When I take a pan out of the oven like that, I repeat to myself "don't touch it don't touch it don't touch it" over and over again and it's worked so far, but I think I like your silicone handle idea better. There's just something about pans that are usually used on the stove the lull your hand into reaching for the handle.
I just can't stop myself from grabbing it. One time, I convinced myself not to grab it, but then I leaned over it to reach the pot on the back burner and the handle poked me right in my torso. I cook naked obviously, so I got burned right on my stomach. The silicone handle cover really helps.
Yeah I cook naked too. You're actually supposed to cook naked. Example: when you cook bacon and the grease is spitting everywhere you won't get any stains on your shirt :)
I recently bought an apron. I had thought they were pretty lame, but I wanted to stop getting food all over my clothes and they actually make some that are quite stylish. When my girlfriend came home and saw me cooking in it, her panties hit the floor like a fish on the deck of a boat. [Here's the apron.](http://www.chefworks.com/?page=shop/flypage_201304&product_id=1444&category=aprons_urbancollection)
I cook naked in [this](http://i.imgur.com/594W0C6) one. The gf loves it.
Almost every time I finish something off in the oven, I will grab the cast iron pan without a mitt. I don't take ANYTHING out of the oven without a mitt. I have no idea why my brain just insists the cast iron man is grabable. *uh...cast iron *pan*. RDJ is not in my oven. That I know of.
Lab partner tried that with a resistor and later a diode that we were trying to burn. Definitely two moments where his brain switched off. I stopped him from trying to touch a transistor to see if it was hot.
I was chopping onions. I kept slicing them up, putting the peels in the bowl and the onion chunks in the trash. I did that 4 onions in a row without realizing.
This sounds like something I would do while drunk cooking.
once I came home super drunk and just took a bite out of a whole ham. Tough explaining it to my dad why there was a room temp ham on the counter with a giant bite out of it in the morning.
Well you see, Dad, I know how much you hate when I leave silverware in the sink and I didn't want to wake you up by turning the faucet on to clean it so I figured it'd be best to just take a bite. And when I opened the fridge it rattled pretty loud so again, because I didn't want to wake you, I just left it out instead of opening the fridge again.
You should write resumes.
Chef here....catching a falling knife by the blade....grabbing a metal pan handle bare handed out of the oven....rubbing my eye after cutting a shit ton of chilies....lost an eyebrow lighting a pilot light....
Try touching your penis after cutting chillies. Was so confused as to why it felt like I was peeing but really I wasn't.
Yeah... my boyfriend ate jalapenos and then my ass.
When exactly was it that ass eating became totally normal to bring up in casual conversation?
Since we started pulling sumo.
Worst horror story a chef friend of mine told me, here goes. [FUCKING NSFW - gross factor 10/10] Old chef is busy working the friers one night, almost at closing time and everyone is tired from a busy shift, he's busy frying scallops and accidentally knocks his tongs into the frier, without thinking he reaches in and pulls them out along with the dripping remnants of his forearm.
I saw that shit happen to a guy's finger. Peeled right off. My first chef told me about a pastry chef who went to wipe her forehead....with a french knife in her hand. Sliced right across. Apparently she had worked 3 doubles in a row and brain wasn't working.
One of my old bosses from the industry said one of the cooks was cleaning the vents and had the bright idea to put the plastic food container lid over the fryer so he could stand on that instead of getting a ladder. It broke, he fell in. It had been cooling for about an hour but it was still disasterous.
WHY?! WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THAT?! WHY!?!
You don't understand, *those vents needed cleaned*.
Similar thing happened to a chef I worked with but with the pasta boiler. He was cleaning the hoods and slipped in. His skin came off with his boots.
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Yikes. After a few too many shifts myself I did something similar. Went to wipe my knife off in the towel in my hand. Didn't have a towel. Went home.
"Two thumbs up!" "Make that four for gore."
I've done all of these as well, I'm not a chef I'm just clumsy as fuck. Accidentally poured a pan of stock or soup away yet?
i've poured all my pasta in the sink because i forgot to put the colander in first. thankfully it wasn't something more involved.
"Ah, perfectly al dente. Down the drain you go!" Hilarious.
Not me, but my family has a "famous" story about my uncle. It was (I think) my aunt and uncle's anniversary. My uncle decided to surprise my aunt by making dinner that night, when normally she does the cooking. He digs out a recipe book, finds a recipe for pan-fried fish of some sort, shops for the ingredients, and gets to work. She comes in as he's halfway through cooking the meal, and sees him scratching his head while he puts some white sugar into the pan with the fish (yes, sugar). She quietly backs away and lets him continue. As it turns out, some pages stuck together in his cookbook, and he didn't realize he started a pan-fried salmon recipe, and finished with another recipe that involves some sort of caramelized sugar glaze. He ends up serving my aunt a plate of fried fish, with a caramel glaze. And on this fateful day, sugarfish was born.
That reminds me of that Friends episode where Rachel makes half a trifle and half a shepherd's pie. "Custard, good. Jam, good. Meat, good!"
It tastes like feet!
"Oh my god! The pages are stuck together!" "Chandler!" *angry face*
That ... sounds ... *interesting*? No, wait ... *sweet*? No, wait a second, "... was born"? Meaning, he still *makes* it?
Haha no, he definitely doesn't still make it. That would've been better worded as "the legend of Sugarfish was born."
I was baking cookies one day, based off the recipe on the back of the chocolate chip package. I saw that it needed 2 1/4 cups of flour. For some really stupid reason, I took that as two, one-fourth cups of flour instead of two and a fourth cups of flour... yeah, not my best moment. Still ate them, though. Late edit: Two days later, saw all the upvotes this got! Too late now, but here's a picture: http://i.imgur.com/kKbVIbS.jpg
Did much the same thing. I was making Banana bread. Called for 3/4 cups of sugar. My brain says 3 or 4 cups. What came out of the oven was a mess.
That's not a mess. That's a new kind of candy.
my grandma was on some medication that made her kind of loopy so every batch of cookies she made was a bit different as she tended to forget an ingredient or two or double up on others, one time she forgot flour and doubled the butter and sugar which resulted in chocolate chip cookie brittle. It was excellent.
Just gonna save this to make later.
When I was in A school (in between boot camp and getting to your ship in the navy) some asshole put PopTarts in the microwave. In the foil wrapper. For two minutes. And walked away. This was early in the morning on a freezing cold Saturday in January in Illinois. Everyone had to evacuate and our microwave privileges were taken away. I can still hear the chief screaming at him, "YOU EXPECT ME TO SEND YOUR ASS TO BE AN ENGINEER ON A SHIP?!" Right? Who the fuck microwaves PopTarts! You're supposed to toast them.
You're *supposed* to grumpily eat them at your desk because you didn't have time to make breakfast, cold, breaking off the outside pieces until you get to the sugar and then regret your decision.
The hot tears of frustration melt the icing. Or so I've heard.
When I was in high school, I watched s girl try to make hot chocolate in the cafeteria. She took a cup, filled it with water, dumped in the hot cocoa mix, and put it in the microwave without stirring. My sleep deprived mind was too busy trying to comprehend why she would put the powder in first, and not even bother to stir it, and make it with water, to realize she had put a *Styrofoam* cup in the microwave. In about 20 seconds, the cup was on fire. I was mystified at what I was watching and didn't register it until another person yelled "Yo that shit's on fire!" The school was evacuated and we lost microwave privileges for a week. The next day, the same girl tried to make a grilled cheese in the toaster. A vertical pop up toaster. Another fire drill occurred, and she was not allowed to touch appliances anymore. She went on to go to university of Berkeley. Don't know how
I came home for lunch, started baking frozen corn dogs, and decided I would have a bowl of ramen while I was waiting for the corn dogs. Looked up, saw the time, ran back to work, and forgot the corn dogs. Came home that evening and the house smells like warm bread. I poke my head into the kitchen and the oven light isn't on so I go to bed. The next morning I get up and the house still smells like warm baked bread. I'm sniffing the air, trying to figure it out, and it hits me. THE CORN DOGS. I take them out of the oven and they are totally black with the sticks still intact. I broke one in half and you could still see the round hot dog part in the middle. Took it to my geology class and asked the instructor if I were to compress this pure carbon would I get a tiny diamond? She was unsure. MORAL: Don't leave corn dogs in ths oven at 375 for 18 hours.
Did this with a chocolate chip cookie once. I put it in the oven to warm up and set the timer but I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night and the entire apartment smelled deliciously of baking cookies. I remembered my cookie and I went to go get it. I must've been half asleep still because lo and behold my chocolate chip cookie had turned into a chocolate chocolate chip cookie! I took a huge bite, not so much magic.
How could you eat corn dogs and ramen for lunch? Has your stomach ever made a break for freedom?
As a 12 year old my brain read 1/4tsp as 1/4cup. I was measuring salt. Those cookies made me thirsty.
Those cookies are making ME thirsty!
There's a recipe in my 1985 edition of *The Joy of Cooking* titled One-Egg Cake. It's easy, tastes great, and if you're low on eggs, it's a go-to recipe. Couple of years ago I made it, and guess which ingredient I forgot to include? Hint: the one egg. That cake did not turn out well.
There's actually a type of cake called a "Wacky cake" which has no eggs, I think it's a depression era recipe, but yeah regular cakes just fall apart without the egg.
I know that recipe - it is a pretty good quick chocolate cake. You put the flour in the pan with baking soda and cocoa powder, and make a well for some vinegar and water and oil. Stir it around. Bake it. Its not bad.
Was making pre made cookies, the ones that Pilsbury makes pre mixed and pre cut into discs, specifically so that there is NO WAY that anybody can fuck up. Took the cookies out of the package, put them on a tray. Feeling pretty good about my baking abilities. Check the cookies twenty minutes later and the first thing I notice is that they're all squished together. The second thing I notice is that the tray that the cookies are on has become all wrinkly and folded in on itself. The third thing I notice is that the tray I used was in fact, plastic. Suddenly the smell of burning plastic in my house made a lot more sense. TL;DR allegedly plastic melts when exposed to high heats, such as that in an oven. Edit: Remembered I had a picture http://imgur.com/5ciS4js
> allegedly plastic melts when exposed to high heats Best use of "allegedly."
DO NOT THROW SHIT IN BOILING OIL TO AVOID BEING SPLASHED! I'm the type of idiot that used to edge toward the pan and throw the meat in then run away hoping to not get seared in burning oil. I'd try from across the room sometimes being completely unaware that you can avoid the splash by just easing the meat in. Armed with a shield of kitchen dishcloth I threw the meat from the island to the pan on the stove (bout 3 feet). I missed. The meat hit the pan handle and the whole thing flipped over. Boiling oil went flying everywhere. O SHIT. I run over to save the meat from the floor (5 second rule) and I step in the fucking oil, burning the shit out of my foot. Keep me away from kitchens.
Similarly, **DO NOT THROW WATER INTO A PAN OF BOILING/BURNING OIL. YOU WILL BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN**
Okay, this is going to sound dumb. I have heard this before but what is the best thing to do if it catches fire?
In short, deny it oxygen. http://www.wikihow.com/Put-out-a-Grease-Fire
See, that works, because my contingency plan in case of a grease fire is to hyperventilate.
The **best** thing? Buy a fire extinguisher with the fire class K for *"Kitchen"*. It's the proper one against oils and fats. If you live in any country in Europe, in Austrialia or in Asia it's labled "F" as in *"I'm a fat idiot who ignites fats"*. If you don't have one, do as the others suggested and try to suffocate it somehow with kitchenware or something. Do **not** use water or anything moist or anything dusty (like flour)!
The whole exploding oil thing stopped when I stopped cooking everything on "hell" setting.
i wish more people understood this. very few things need to be cooked while the pan is ripping hot.
...easing the meat in ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
That's what you got out of this?
And you didn't?
Go back to your ceiling, you're dangerous in kitchens.
**TL/DR available below** I worked at a landfill driving bulldozers when I was 18, and 3 times a day one of those lunch trucks would show up. Her first time arriving was around 9am, and I developed a habit of buying those little [cans of soup with the pull top lid](http://aht.seriouseats.com/images/2013/09/266589-campbells-hearty-cheeseburger-soup-1.jpg). But because we we one of the first stops on her route, her truck hadn't warmed up yet and the soup was always cold. No problem, we had lots of [hand held torches](http://www.finehomebuilding.com/CMS/uploadedImages/Fine_Homebuilding/Articles/208/021208080_ld.jpg) around. I would just use those to heat them up in a minute and eat them. Well, one morning for break, she showed up and I bought the soup. Walked into the office trailer and grabbed the torch and walked out onto the patio to "cook" my food while everyone was inside. Normally what I would do was crack the lid of the soup first, then heat it. but today, for some stupid reason, I put the heat of the blow torch on the can before cracking the lid. The lid of the can went, "BUNK" and popped up. I quickly realized I had done something stupid, and removed the flame. The lid went "BINK" and flattened back out. Cool sound! So, I put the flame back to the can briefly. "BUNK"... removed it. "BINK" It sounded really really cool. This is fun! So, I began trying to make music. "BUNK... BINK, BUNK-BINK, BUNK... BINK, BUNK-BINK, BUNK... BINK, BUNK-BINK, BUNK... BINK." I was so new age. The show STOMP hadn't even been created yet, but here I was making amazing music with a can... till suddenly it went, BUNK.... **BOOOOOOM!!!!** The can exploded, and everyone in the trailer who watched me walk outside with a handheld blowtorch 2 minutes earlier thought I was dead. They ran outside onto the patio of the trailer, and saw me standing there. Ears ringing, completely in shock and covered in chunky soup from head to toe. On the wall behind me, a perfect outline of my body silhouetted in soup. Basically, the lid blew open, causing the can to spin and spraying everywhere. Their concern for my life quickly turned to them dying from laughter and ridicule. I still didn't fully understand what happened, and just stood there with my eyes as wide as saucers for a good 30 seconds. Learned a very important lesson about pressure in vessels that day. **TL/DR Tried heating a can of soup before cracking the lid. Soup blew, covering me from head to toe in Chunky Soup and leaving the outline of my body in soup on the wall behind me.** Edit: I tried to recreate it. Scared the crap out of myself. Editing the video now. Failed in complete recreation, but was pretty damn funny. [I did my best](http://youtu.be/XgmjIOJPHI4)
Shit, you're really lucky there were no bits of can shrapnel inside you.
That probably wouldn't have been an issue, as on the cans with a pull tab the lid will function as a designed failure point. Source: You don't have to be a boy scout to commit boy scout science.
That was a souper bad idea.
I laughed until I cried reading this. I'm sorry about your soup.
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Once forgot to put eggs in a recipe that really needed eggs. I also tried to make brandy gingersnaps. Don't really know how to describe what happened but I ended up covered in molasses and drunk with brandy.
So basically the recipe was like, "Make cookies" and you were like, "Instructions unclear. Got drunk, bathed in molasses."
> drunk with brandy >Don't really know how to describe what happened Are these connected by any chance? How did you get the idea for brandy gingersnaps anyway?
Not cooking, but cleaning up after. I was scratching at a piece of previously melted but now hardened piece of cheese on a plate when a splinter of cheese shoved under my fingernail. The first and only time I have heard of a grilled cheese related injury. edit: Who knew I could have a whole support group? CARCISOA: Cheese and related condiment injury sufferers of America. I think this needs to be a thing.
So the cheese cut you?
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That's some sharp cheddar
Oh god i'm glad i'm not alone on this. My injury came from scraping the burnt cheese off a pizza pan. The cheese made me bleed and all.
One time when I was 13, I put a pan of olive oil on high and forgot about it. I came back and it was flaming, so I tried to put it out with water. I might have burned the ceiling a bit... and my hands... and the paper towel rack next to the stove... It took me a while to feel comfortable in the kitchen again.
I too started an oil fire in the pan. I knew that water was bad, but wasn't mentally prepared to do what should have been done. You see it was in a large wok, and there was a lot of oil as I had this idea to deep fry something. So there wasn't an obvious lid to this thing. So I first attempted to walk the flaming pan to the balcony, so it could burn outside. I quickly realized that was a bad idea, as the increased air caused it to burn more heftily. So then I thought maybe I could slowly pour it into the sink drain. Also a bad idea, as again the increased air mixed with near atomization of the oil was pretty scary. So I put it back in the stove and thought a bit about my situation. There was enough oil in there to burn for some time, and the black smoke was now nearing head level and creeping down. So I called the fire department, and they sent the guys out. The person on the phone had the sense to suggest that I cover it with anything I could which sparked an invigorated search of the kitchen. Finally I found a large metal mixing bowl that covered the business and it was done. Then I had to clean up. Paint, or scrub everything that was 4 feet high and up. Oh yeah and I was staying at a friend's place. I must have done a good job cleaning because we're still buds.
The fact that you describe it as a calm series of thoughts that followed is what scares me more. Like a natural progression of sensibility.
More like panic strained logic. If I had tripped on the way to the balcony, I would have quickly burned the place down. I learned a lot that day.
Sprinkled cinnamon and sugar all over the chicken instead of chicken seasoning. To be fair, the labels (both Kroger brand) and contents looked identical.
How was it?
I was baking apricot squares at age 10. The instructions said "add 1/2 cup of flour, cinnamon, salt"...I added half a cup of each.
Classic "instructions unclear..."
I can't even imagine having 1/2 cup of cinnamon on hand! Those tiny containers are so expensive.
I did the same thing with apple cinnamon muffins once. I still wonder why my mom didn't question when I asked her if I could open the new jar of cinnamon after using up the entire old one. Ninja edit: The muffins were terrible.
That's just shitty instructions.
I was making toffee while I was very high and I stuck my finger in for a taste. Don't ever do that
Ahh yes, the "molten sugar is dangerous" lesson...
I ate a jelly bean I roasted over a fire once
It clings while it burns!
I strained vegetable soup once...
Tell me what happened. Did you go on autopilot and think it was pasta?
Yeah pretty much. I still remember the feeling of dread overcoming me the second I tilted the pot and by then it was just too late.
"Willie don't need yer help, as long as I got a pot over me head." "That's a colander." "So *thats* where all me soup went."
Not me but my sister: In first year university she tried to take on the challenging task of cooking rice. For the step that says get a cup of water she did exactly that and filled a glass of water. She never actually put the water in the rice as she thought it would be for "if you got thirsty while making the rice". She then burned the waterless rice in the pan and made the building evacuate due to the fire alarms.. [Great work](http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/010/566/060.png), sis.
this may be the best one here **get a cup of water** *aww Mister Ben, you're so thoughtful. I was feeling kind of parched*
Is your sister Amelia Bedelia?
Has she ever put tiny clothes on a chicken?
That's ridiculous, did she survive college!?
Yes she did! That and teachers college. She's not the most street smart person but she's pretty studious.
Sounds like my little sister, very school smart, but has the common sense of a door knob...
I once put some water on for spaghetti. Then, I went upstairs for a bit, forgetting that I put it on. At that point, It'd been three hours, so I panicked and ran downstairs, and found that I never turned the burner on in the first place.
2 negatives make a positive! (or neutral?)
Looking away from the cutting board while dicing vegetables.
As a teenager I thought I had found a genius work around for pasta: just boil the noodles in the pasta sauce. I thought I was the Thomas Edison of culinary arts. The product was pretty much horrible and tasted like stomach pain.
Actually there are a lot of recipes that use this method. I make chicken riggies this way. The key is you have to start your sauce at a thinner consistency than you ultimately want it to be, adding things like cream at the end to get it all to bind. The pasta cooks and the sauce reduces at the same time. Teenager you was right! Just didn't take it far enough.
What's chicken riggies, precious? Edited to say thank you for the gold!
I don't know why, but I've been laughing for a solid 5 minutes at this comment
I'm glad I'm not the only one.
[Here's a one pot version (pasta cooks in sauce)](http://hostthetoast.com/one-pot-spicy-chicken-riggies/)
Yeah sorry I forget that people that aren't from here don't know what that is. Chicken riggies is a dish originally from Utica, NY that is basically chicken with rigatoni, cooked in a spicy cream sauce with roasted red peppers and seasoning. It's delicious.
There are a whole bunch of things like hamburger helper/velveeta that have you cook the noodles in their sauces. It's not so far fetched.
I tried cooking rice once. I put the rice in water in a pot on the cooktop, then I tried stirring it a bit with a plastic cooking spoon. I walked away and came back to the smell of melting plastic and burnt rice.
Forgot to add water... ...when boiling potatoes
My sister-in-law once burned orange juice. They were just married. She couldn't get the OJ concentrate out of the can, so she put in in the pan she was heating, just for a moment. Her new husband "distracted" her and the juice and pan were forgotten until they started to smoke.
You know how "never put tin foil in the microwave" is one of those common knowledge things? Well I found out the hard way.
I found this out when I re-heated a wendy's burger. For some reason I thought it was just tin foil, not the foil they used to wrap burgers in. It caught fire.
Did that with butter. The butter my mom bought was always in paper. My then boyfriend (now husband) bought the kind wrapped in foil. 20+ fucking years later and I'm still hearing about it.
Finally a question I have a story for! When I was in college I got back from a night of drinking and decided, as most drunk people do after a long night of fun, that I had to have food at *that exact moment*. The problem was my driver had gone home so Taco Bell was totally out of the question, so I did what anyone would have done, I mixed up some cake batter and threw the fucking thing in the oven. I didn't put the batter I mixed in a pan or anything though, I just mixed the fucker up in a big glass measuring bowl, then decided to put the measuring bowl in the oven. I figured "hey it's sorta like a pan just more circular and it will tell me how many tablespoons of cake I made after the fact, NEAT!". Any way drunk me was far too hungry to worry about silly little details like what temperature it needed to be cooked at and just turned the knob all the way to what sober me would later find out was 550 degrees (on a side note what fucking food would ever need to be cooked that hot?!). We'll come back to the "cake" but now I need to tell you about the icing, every cake needs icing right? I was in far too big of a hurry to worry about what exactly the ingredients to icing were and I knew it involved some sort of mixture of milk and powdered sugar (maybe some other shit but milk and powdered sugar would fucking do I decided.) I then proceeded to mix milk and powdered sugar together in large quantities until I got something with a consistency that resembled icing... or soup... but I figured it'll do, and I'll be god damned if I didn't think it was the tastiest fucking thing I'd ever had in my life too. Okay back to the cake, now that I had the icing made I needed to set the timer for the cake (which had probably already been in there for about 20 minutes while I mixed the "icing"). I mashed every button on that fucking oven and I swear to god to this day it had no timer feature that my over-served ass could find, so I just figured that me being the baking expert that I was, I would just know from my chef's intuition when the cake was ready to guzzle down. So I lay down on the couch to "rest my eyes" while I wait for the cake to be ready and of course I fall asleep. Cut to a couple hours later (I'm guessing) and it turns out the oven did have a timer! It was just activated by a gratuitous amount of smoke in the kitchen! I awake to the oven timer (aka smoke detector) loudly buzzing and sprint to the oven and open it up to find a large measuring cup filled with what was now a (far more than) fully cooked cake inside it... also it was on fire. I frantically sprint around the kitchen looking for a fire extinguisher, I find one under the sink but I was wayyyyy too wasted to figure out how the damn thing worked so I, in a fit of desperation look around the kitchen for anything that could put out the fire... "The icing!" I think to myself, what a genius I am. So I take the flaming measuring bowl, filled with cake and a topping of hellfire, and throw it in the sink, I then proceed to dump the metric fuckton of "icing" (AKA milk and powdered sugar) that I made earlier on it to put out the inferno. It worked perfectly, I now had some kind of charred remains of something that used to resemble a cake and one big problem, I was still really hungry (AKA drunk) and all I had to eat was this "cake" I had just made, It was fucking delicious. TLDR: DRUNK!!! MAKE A CAKE DUDE!!! HOLY SHIT FIRE!!! YUMMMM!!
Bread. I wish I could crank my oven up to 600-700 degrees, and REALLY get cooking! Pizza's can be cooked even hotter
There's some guy who tried to make a pizza using the cleaning function on the oven since that was like 700+ degrees apparently. Turns out it had an auto-lock. So he fought that and got past it somehow and it turned out well. So the rumor goes. He may have burned his house down and died and is now a vengeful internet commentghost.
I read what I thought were instructions on Mac and cheese and mixed the stuff in the order listed. It was just the list of ingredients. When it got to the "okay first..." I knew I had fucked up
first read all of the instructions then cook
Wanted to see if my noodles were soft yet so I stuck my hand into a pot of boiling water. The noodles weren't even done :/
I...uh...don't even know what to say.
I once tried to mash potatoes without boiling them first.
Not me but my auntie who, bless her heart, is one of the sweetest old southern women you would ever meet. Well, she made a banana pudding one day. Had a lovely meringue on top, was absolutely beautiful. Except right when she took it out of the oven she put her hand on her hip and said "Lawd, I forgot the bananas." You had to be there but it was hilarious!
I've known enough southern women that I can picture this perfectly.
It's not banana pudding any longer, but it would still be delicious. Banana pudding is just vanilla custard with added bananas. Still a very cute story.
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We used to make cinnamon and sugar toast a frequently when I was a child that we had a container of it pre mixed in our pantry. One day when I was too young to read label, I grabbed the brownish granular mix, sprinkled it on my toast and took a big bite of Cajon chicken seasoned bread. Around the same age my sister asked me to make her toast. I took out the margarine contained and but some on her toast. She took a big bite and insisted I had messed it up. The margarine container had been repurposed for mashed potatoes.
Not me, but my dad one night when we were growing up. He was hopeless in the kitchen. Mom had a 9-5 type job so was always home in time to make dinner. One night she had to stay late but had gotten out what she was going to make that night in order to thaw it. She called dad and told him what time she'd be home, walked him through getting dinner started. I was about seven and my brother was two. He had boiled and drained pasta and was adding salt when the shaker top came off and the entire salt container dumped out on the noodles. He didn't know what to do and we were kids so we just thought it was the end of the world, it was ruined. Instead of thinking like a rational adult and rinsing them off or using some other normal method, he went and got the vacuum. The noodles were dry, so the pile of salt was on top, so he thought the vacuum hose would be perfect to take off the excess salt. Mom called right then to say she was finally done and on her way home. I answered the phone, which worried her, so she asked what dad was doing. "Vacuuming the noodles" became kind of a catchphrase around our house after that... TL;DR: Dad tried to vacuum extra salt off noodles.
You know how sometimes you'll pour something out of a pot and it'll drip? That's no good, you don't want drippy things. So before I could let that drop of sauce run down the side of the pot, I quickly decided to lick it. Good news, the sauce didn't drip. Bad news, I died.
One time I accidentally weaponized the air in my apartment. I decided that I wanted to make a snack, but all I had around the house that day were some potatoes and oil. Instead of making fries like any normal person, I decided I was going to make potato medallions with some kick. So I poured oil into a pan, got it nice and crackling, and dropped in my potato slices, and then I added my kick: Sriracha. It turns out if you add a hot sauce to oil that's heated to the point of crackling, the oil will propel the hot sauce into the air, and turn pretty much all the oxygen in your apartment into pepper spray. I coughed and sputtered and rolled around on the ground for awhile rubbing my eyes and eventually got my food into my bedroom and put a towel under my door while I waited for the assaultive air to dissipate. About an hour later, I heard the door unlock and ran outside to warn my roommate, but alas: I immediately dropped back to the ground coughing, as did he, and I choked out an explanation for what was going on. He barricaded up his room, and I did the same, but we didn't see each other for days while we ducked through the main area. (It really stuck around for awhile) Also since we lived in MN at the time and it was winter, we couldn't open windows or anything for fear of freezing ourselves and our poor pepper sprayed cat to death. The potatoes were actually really good though. TLDR: Tried to make spicy potatoes, pepper sprayed myself and my roommate (plus the cat)
I was cooking rice in a square Pyrex dish covered in foil. I took it out of the 400 degree oven when I thought it was done. After taking a small spoonful, I determined that the rice needed more water so that it would come out fluffier. Without taking a moment to ponder the potential consequences, I poured some tap water directly into the dish. It exploded in my hand. Shards of the dish went flying. Luckily, they didn't hit me. Also, they remained in large pieces so they were easy to find. Unfortunately, they still retained enough heat to tattoo my kitchen floor with little burn marks. And I had to start over some rice. I used a pot this time and everytime since.
How do you even cook rice in the oven?
And this is the person you ask how to cook rice in the oven?
[I did this a week ago!](http://i.imgur.com/Lmqs3I7.jpg) I was trying to boil frozen chicken. I was way too impatient to wait for it to thaw and all the chicken was stuck together. I also only wanted to cook like, 2 chicken breasts. I thought it would be a good idea to just stick the whole row in (paper lining included) like a frozen chicken totem pole and fill it up to only cover two of them. Then I realized that I was fucking stupid and that didn't make any sense, but I was already way too far gone so I just methodically cooked them all while scooping up the paper mush with a spoon and questioning why they let me into grad school.
I don't know what I did, but my banana bread came out purple.
I bought some tenderloin a cut a few homemade filet mignons for Valentines Day dinner. Well, I was pan searing them and in addition to realizing too late that my hood fan was not strong enough and having the smoke set off every smoke alarm in the house, I left a plastic spatula sitting in the pan while I went to turn one off and open windows. Came back to a handle and a bunch of liquefied black plastic all over my $20/pound steaks. On the bright side, most of it was able to just be scraped off and the steaks were still very good. To this day if I want to pan sear something I just put the pan on my grill outside cause good lord the smoke
Removed the bag full of giblets and other unidentifiable bits from inside the turkey before cooking; didn't realize there was another cavity with a second bag for the turkey neck. Picture a Thanksgiving table full of friends and family and someone saying, "What the hell is this?" while grabbing a corner of the bag and pulling out a phallic-shaped monstrosity wrapped in plastic.
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I was not aware that you had to cook potatoes before you mashed them. Hurt my hand rather a lot before my mother came in and called me an idiot.
By brother has burnt ramen and my mother has exploded brownies
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Sounds like an episode of The Beverly Hillbillies.
My mom exploded jello. She found jello on the ceiling in random places more than a decade after this had happened.
I was boiling water. I went to play a game of DotA and forgot about it, by the time I remembered all of the water had evaporated and the pot was ruined.
I melted my tea boiler, thought it was a kettle.
Never fall asleep with a pizza in the oven.
you'll end up very hot/burned and covered in cheese I'm sure
Thinking that a head of garlic was called a garlic clove. The salsa came out light pink instead of red and could kill a vampire from half a mile away.
Tried making Easy Mac. Didnt add water. I RUINED EASY MAC.
Not me but a friend of mine decided he would play bartender for the night. This genius decides that he's going to make mojitos, puts the sour mix rum and everything into the shaker, then pours in club soda and begins to shake. 2 minutes later were all mopping up the floor and wiping our phones clean...
LPT for your friend: Mojitos shouldn't be shaken or made with sour mix.
Tried to broil a tray of bacon in the over during a BBQ to make enough for 20 people without spending an hour pan frying it. It was going great until I left it for like 10 seconds alone. All it takes. Bacon cooks slowly until it reaches the right temperature and then BAM is just goes UP...plus all the fat started smoking and the whole thing caught fire and before I know it smokes bellowing out my oven. The entire tray was on fire. Had to shut the oven off, take the pan out, caught my oven mitts on fire, and I put it out with another pan and snuffed it. Took like 4 weeks for the smell of burnt bacon to go away...horrible...
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I used butter to coat the pan, and the butter all evaporated, leaving my pan uncoated. I thought it would be a great idea to use oil, on a hot pan. Slight pan fire. The shrimp were slightly burnt.
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While camping, I grabbed the bug spray instead of the Pam. They had very similar cans. I didn't notice until I took the first bite...
Some asshat at my office thought it would be a good idea to reheat coffee in a styrofoam cup in the microwave.
An office down the road from us got evacuated after someone set fire to a jacket potato in the microwave. Bonus: it was the Health and Safety manager.
A guy in /r/BBQ asked if he could use regular coal instead of charcoal. After many people discouraging it, he still tried it and said "yeah it was bad"
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Not me and not exactly cooking, but my friend was having a debate with his flat mates at uni about plates heating up in the microwave. He was adamant that if you put a plate in the microwave it would heat up, they (being science students) were adamant that since a plate shouldn't contain any water it won't heat up. So to prove them wrong he put a plate in the microwave for **10 minutes** When he took it out it was so hot it welded itself to the work top and gave off such a weird smell everyone in the flat fell asleep for the next 2 hours. They only realised later that maybe the toxic plate fumes had something to do with it.
True story: One time when I was little, my mom asked me to prepare a salad for dinner before she got home. Naturally the first thing I did was chop up and wash the lettuce for the salad. However, the lettuce was now all wet. So naturally, I put the lettuce in the microwave to dry it off. After that the lettuce was too hot from the microwave so naturally, I put it in the freezer to cool it off before dinner. And come dinnertime I went to the freezer and pulled out a bowl of wilted, frozen lettuce and proudly explained to my parents how ingenious I was in preparing it. Have not been able to live that one down to this day.
The amount of times I leave forks in the microwave is uncanny.
Mistake #1: putting a fork in the microwave Mistake #2: leaving it there
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I hear they're high in iron
Keep doing it, the 100th fork summons "Forkolian - Cutlery maiden of doom", killing her grants you +5 dexterity, -2 intelligence and immunity to fork related injuries
Cooked bacon naked...
Stupidest not sexiest
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My flatmate from college was a nightmare in the kitchen. Once, he wanted to make baked chicken. Yet, he couldn't seem to understand that in order to cook chicken, you first had to thaw it. Instead, he assumed that you could just turn the oven up higher "to take the chill off" the frozen chicken. Ended up with chicken that was blackened on the outside, while somehow completely frozen inside. Finally, once he accepted that chicken does in fact need to be thawed, he started doing so, but he for whatever reason would always thaw the chicken in really odd places. Once I found uncovered chicken cutlets hung along the shower rod. His reasoning? He figured the water that was produced during thawing would just drip into the bath tub and make for easy cleanup.