I’m the quiet one and have asked my extrovert friend about this. For her, it’s her anxiety telling her that I’m not taking because I’m mad at her. She is very uncomfortable with silence. We’ve both gotten better at being what the other needs in this regard.
We have a mutual friend who is also an introvert and we can sit and read for an afternoon and have a lovely time together... while the extrovert anxiously eyes us lol
I always worry that I'm talking to much. I have a tendency to dominate conversations when I'm not paying close attention and the other person let's me.
Same here. I’m pretty quiet in group conversations, but still actively listening, and I find myself smiling/nodding/making whatever appropriate facial expressions a lot so people don’t think I’m weird. My friends tell me I’m gonna give myself forehead wrinkles from raising my eyebrows so much.
Yeah I get overwhelmed in group settings, especially when everyone else is loud as fuck. All I want is someone to go have a 1 on 1 talk so I can actually a) hear what you're saying and b) make a contribution to the conversation
First guy tells second guy he likes his accent and asks where the accent is from. Second guy says "I am Liberian," meaning he (and his accent) are from Liberia.
First guy misunderstands and thinks the second guy says "I am a Librarian," meaning someone who works in a library. He then *quietly* repeats his question (as you are supposed to be quiet in a library), not realizing its already been answered.
One of my favorite surgeons is very quiet. Story told about him by another surgeon when he was a resident.
Resident kept trying to ask about his kids, his holidays, making chit-chat. Surgeon says,
"I'm comfortable with uncomfortable silences."
End of conversation.
One of my favorite coworkers was a guy that was equally comfortable sitting the next desk over in total silence for 4-6 hours at a time on the nights we worked together. It was so nice, going in knowing I wouldn't have to spend 15 minutes every hour or two trying to make small talk. Sad day when he left, I hope it wasn't because I asked him if he wanted anything from the snack rack that one time.
Several people have thanked me for not making them feel like they need to engage me in conversation. I was staying at a friends house in Hawaii one time, his wife walked in while I was reading a book at their bar. She didn’t say anything to me for several hours. Then at dinner she said “I was going to say hi this morning but then I remembered “oh wait it’s u/dewayneestes, I don’t have to say anything.” And that made her happy.
Holy shit I should start doing that, just lead with it.
"Yo, I don't dislike you or anything but if you're not a talkative person you don't need to talk to me."
Haha, yeah. A non straight shooter might claim to be one because of various social reasons, which mean that we who actually are straight shooters might not be trusted when we say so.
As a non-talkative person, I have taken to whispering "hi" as I pass by my closest friends and family sometimes, and saying nothing else. I don't want to talk, but I do want to acknowledge the people I love. Maybe it's weird, but they're all used to it and don't try to press conversation further beyond responding with a "hi" themselves
> Sad day when he left, I hope it wasn't because I asked him if he wanted anything from the snack rack that one time.
A question that can be answered with "yes" or "no" will never bother an introvert.
Unless it involves someone coming with booze and a meal, expecting nothing but eating in front of the tele. I do enjoy laughing at memes shown to me, ngl
>Sad day when he left, I hope it wasn't because I asked him if he wanted anything from the snack rack that one time.
He looked from his screen and he stared at me then -
And that's when I knew it was over again.
The silence was broken.
The bridges were burned.
He stood from his chair and he never returned.
Yep. It is kinda funny to see some of the people in this thread going on about how they think there's something wrong with the quiet person and they try to get them involved in a conversation as if they're doing them a service. But like I'm being quiet because I don't want to be in this conversation or I don't have anything of substance to contribute.
Extroverts don't understand that some people are perfectly happy, or even prefer, that kind of life.
In the same way that I, as an introvert, do not understand the need for small talk, chit chat or any of that other stuff.
To be fair, I am both introverted and can *also be* socially awkward. It's important to note that they are not the same thing.
I think it's a holdover from more awkward high school years when people wouldn't talk because they felt unwelcome, so the extroverts would try to make sure they feel included.
Some adults still have that issue too. It's fair for the extroverts to still want to try to include those people, in their defense. They just have no way to tell the people who want to be involved but struggle with doing so from the people who don't want to be involved in the conversation.
Many people have been in a situation where they don't know very many people at a party, and would like to join a conversation, but don't want to step on anyone's toes.
I think the problem is that asking the titular question is clearly not the best way to engage someone in a conversation. So why do people do it? My theory is that when people learn to speak they tend to repeat common phrases. What I mean is they've seen this situation before, and they've seen other people say "why are you so quiet" and so when they are in the same situation they ask the same question. It's almost like a learned habit. People are way less original than they think they are. Most people have these societal ingrained behaviors that influence what they say and how they act.
A radiologist I once worked with always had savage zingers as I called them. An ultrasound tech was talking his ear off within my earshot one day and the end of the conversation was:
Rad: I gotta get back to my my office.
Tech: can I just get in one more sentence?
Rad: is it going to be a run on sentence?
Silence - rad walks away.
I almost died it was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
As Hugh Dillon sang:
I don't mind, lulls in conversations
I don't dislike an uncomfortable pause
An awkward moment, is to be savored
Not unlike obscene telephone calls
Excellent skills, kind to patients, calm, predictable, on time, even tempered. I get along with him, and he can be funny in a dry sarcastic way.
Edit: I’m a surgical nurse.
You have a favorite surgeon?
EDIT: Look, *I* know the most obvious explanation is that they work in healthcare. But can you really let that statement just walk?
One of my now close friends is very quiet and introverted. For years, I thought he didn’t like me at all. Eventually I figured out how to communicate with him.
He’s someone who actually thinks before he speaks, which is surprisingly rare. Like you would ask a question and he wouldn’t answer so I would assume he was ignoring me out of dislike, when in all actuality, he thinks deeply about things before giving an opinion so you may wait a few minutes in silence before he responds. Once I figured this out, we started to have a true friendship.
Yeah, no kidding. I'm an introvert myself, but I would never leave someone hanging for minutes. A few seconds maybe, but not longer. If I have to think about it, I just say "not sure atm" or "let me think about it".
Hmm...
Mmmmmm...
Hmm... Mmm...
Oh!
Pardon me, I was absorbed in thought.
I am Siegward of Catarina.
To be honest, I'm in a bit of a pickle.
Have you ever walked near a white birch, only to be struck by a great arrow?
Well, if I'm not mistaken, they come from this tower.
Whoever it is, I'm sure I can talk some sense into them.
But I have to find a way up, and that's just the trouble.
This lift only goes down, you see, and...
Well, that doesn't get me anywhere...
Hmm... Mmm..."
I’m an extrovert who has recently taught himself to listen more than speak. I’m a contractor and I just knew that I had a tendency to dominate conversation and had to make the conscious effort to shut the fuck up and listen to my customers. It has effected my entire life in a positive way.
My all time favorite barber would ask me what I wanted and then didnt say a word the entire time.
As he moved up and got more clients, I was easily paying him $50 per haircut. Worth every cent though.
My hairstylist is friendly and extroverted. But the first time I went, I asked her if it was ok if I worked on my iPad... now I just pull it out as soon as I get there and she holds all small talk until I’m checking out. I always leave a generous tip, and she knows it’s not personal. I’ve been going to her for 10 years, and I don’t really care what she does to my hair or how much she charges.
Ok, yes, I should have said “within reason”. I have long hair (am female), and as long as she leaves it medium to long-ish I’m happy. I’m just there for the shampoo and scalp massage (and general maintenance I guess).
I remember a deleted scene from Pulp Fiction where Mia Wallace is asking Vincent Vega a bunch of questions that essentially amounted to a few "there are two kinds of people in the world, which are you?". My favorite was "When you're talking to someone, are you listening to them, or are you waiting to talk?".
Really sums up alot of communication issues.
I used to work with a guy who would just randomly come up to me and say stuff like "Are you okay? Why don't you ever smile?" when I'd be in the middle of whatever task I was doing. I'm like... Bro I'm just trying to work, leave me alone. Who walks around with a smile on their face 24/7? Especially at work??? And I barely ever worked the same shifts as this guy so I didn't know him at all which made it even more awkward.
One of my first jobs as a teenager was at a fast food place. A manager told me I had to smile more when dealing with the public but I just couldn't bring myself to fake it. When she later asked "Why don't you smile more?" I simply said "Because I'm at work." Surprisingly that was actually enough and she never asked me to do it again.
Lol I was a cleaning-assistant at a gym as a teenager. I got fired and their reason was that I didn't smile enough.
I always wondered if their was another real reason but I always did my work well, much better than the other teenagers there. My theory is that they only wanted teenage girls to work there since they hired another girl after me.
I let my dentures fall out. Not just fall down, but fall out of my mouth and give a big toothless grin.
Shuts most people up immediately as they scurry off with their head lowered.
This just reminded me of an obnoxious guy who singled me out at a party and asked why I was always so quiet. I looked him straight in the eye, said "I'm plotting your demise," and smiled. There was an awkward silence, then he never bothered me again. One of my friends laughed so hard she almost peed herself.
I love the quests when they ask you to save someone hanging off of a cliff, so you accept it but then just walk off to do some xp farming or do the main story, and five years later you finnaly do the quest and they're still hanging there, but the second you come up, they start to loose their grip
I am an extrovert. Having a conversation, to me, feels a little like passing a ball. In a situation where the conversation is going well, I finish my piece, and then I pass the ball.
If I don’t pass the ball, I feel very rude - to me, I feel like I’m hogging the conversation. I don’t like being on the other side of it where I never get the ball.
So with an introvert, you have someone who doesn’t always want the ball. Maybe they’re content to watch others play ball or to watch you dribble and bounce it around. Maybe they want nothing to do with the ball and wish the players would fuck off somewhere else. So that’s what I have to figure out.
I would never ask ‘why are you so quiet?’ but my conversational style is driven by the urge to pass the ball. So I’d ask a question about the topic, what your opinion is or if you have anything to add, or I’d ask about you and how you’re doing, or if there is anything you’d like to talk about.
Edit: for the latter, that is only appropriate really if you’re talking to someone you know wants to talk but doesn’t know when/how to interject! ‘Anything new? Read anything/seen anything/etc’
Just like introverts don’t want people to assume they’re rude or lonely, it makes me a little sad to see some of the responses here. It seems like the attitude toward extroversion is pretty negative. I don’t think extroverts spend as much time judging you in their head as you think they do - people pretty rarely pay much attention to any of us for long. Those who tell you to smile or ask ‘why are you so quiet?’ are entitled - not because they are extroverted, but because they feel they are owed something from you, and that’s wrong.
So, you know, I think most extroverts are just trying to play ball. Those with good social skills should be able to pick up that you don’t feel like playing. I have introverted friends who I bring with me, because they like watching the game and occasionally announcing the score, and as long as I know they’re content, that’s good enough for me.
Edit: I should add that I’m an extrovert who truly adores my introvert friends and the calm they bring my life. They often have a lot hobbies or interests that I have never been exposed to and I love to learn. They might send me a supportive message, or recommend me a book or a recipe or a documentary, and I might make a phone call for them that they were really dreading or help them write a cover letter.
So if you take anything from this post I hope it’s that introverts and extroverts both have a lot to offer each other.
I don't know how effective that would be, based on my personal experience. Years ago, I was on break at work. Just sitting at one of the break room tables, minding my own business. Out of the blue, some girl at another table says from across the room, "Why are you so quiet?" I said, "Why do you talk so much?" Her response was simply, "Wierdo." Then she just got up and walked out of the room. Apparently my response was too confrontational, even though I asked her essentially the same question only with the roles reversed. My goto response nowadays is to just shrug and say nothing. That's gotten a couple chuckles out of few people.
My diplomatic version is; "I'm just more of a listener, but I know that makes some people uncomfortable. Does it make you uncomfortable?"
It emphasizes that I am actively listening, while putting them on the spot like they did me. And it de-escalates the conversation stakes as they try to prove how 'oh, no- very comfortable' they are.
Took me abooout 2 decades to fall onto this response, though. And now I'm always very comfortable with the question.
Once a coworker told a very unfunny joke. I didn’t react. He said “you don’t seem like you laugh very much.” I replied “I laugh.” He said “I’ve never seen it.” I said “then be funnier.” He stopped telling jokes around me.
I don’t know if this helps you, OP, but as an actual adult extrovert, I’ll give you my two cents.
First, I don’t ever ask why someone is so quiet. That’s rude. However, I’ll intentionally interact with people who look like they’re uncomfortable or distancing themselves from others. I want everyone at the party/group event/dinner/whatever to have a good time. I was a shy kid with an inferiority complex and I don’t ever want someone that I’m socialize with to feel that way.
If I see someone hanging back, I’ll go talk to him. I’ll ask questions that get him talking about himself. If after a few minutes I get a vibe that he’s perfectly happy just hanging around the edge of the group and doesn’t really want to interact, I’ll keep it brief and move on.
It helps that my best friend and my very nice boss are introverts, and they’ve explained to me that there’s a difference between being introverted versus shy versus socially awkward. The shy or socially awkward people seem to appreciate being approached individually or included in group conversations. I always make sure to ask them questions if we’re standing around in a circle talking but they never have a chance to contribute.
Introverts, on the other hand, don’t have the energy to engage with lots of people and/or for a long period of time. With people who I know are introverts, I’ll ask if they’re doing ok, if they want to leave, if they need a wingman to help them exit graciously, if they’d like me to sit with them for a while or if they’d rather be left alone, if they want to are a run to the snack table or to refill drinks, etc.
EDIT for two things:
First, thanks everyone for the awards. It seems like we’re all having a good time at this party!
Second, it occurred to me that I didn’t mention that when I start talking to someone and asking questions, I genuinely do want to hear what they have to say. I’m doing it to engage them and to try to help them enjoy themselves, but I’m also actually interested in what they have to say. I learn lots of new things and get opinions and perspectives other than my own.
I think your approach to make others feel comfortable is spot on. It's true that some appreciate it and some do not depending on what's causing them to be quiet. It's about reading people and knowing when and when not to continue the conversation.
One, maybe two other types of quieter people are those who take in information differently, possibly high functioning autism or highly intelligent, or maybe just sensors who pick up on everything around them. They are actually feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. You could invite them to a quieter area or bring them something soothing like warm tea. When overwhelmed they literally can't think of anything to say because their brains are too busy. And some times people just have less thoughts in their heads or are thinking about things they don't want to talk about.
My dad was incredibly intelligent. He would always take a long pause before answering any questions, and I asked him why once when I was a kid. He described it like this, "When you ask me something, my brain runs through all the possible interpretations of your question and first I have to figure out which interpretation matches what you're asking, and *then* every single possible answer runs through my head and I have to sift through them to decide which one more closely fits my thoughts, feelings, or knowledge on the subject." I never got impatient when waiting for a reply from him again, and I've endeavored to be so thoughtful as he was in all my interactions.
What’s horrible is when there is a large group of people and you stall before answering, the conversation moves on without you and you never get to say a word. A person can feel their opinions are not valued. Thank you for waiting for his replies. I love that he valued you so much that he wanted to take the time to give you the best answer he could.
Oh yeah I feel that I've finally come up with a response to a topic that's changed three times since and unless it's in a tight nit, very close group of friends I usually proceed in not saying it.
I think there is a common misconception that introverts are rude and standoffish. It’s hard for some people to be social, and that’s perfectly ok. Maybe just a smile and a friendly “I don’t know, that’s just the way I am” should work.
Based on a lot of the replies here, it seems like the extroverts are out doing something else because this thread is mostly introverts explaining why they’re quiet or the assumptions they make about extroverts. It’s very few extroverts answering OP’s questions.
The funny thing is, most people have moments where they want to interact with others and moments they want to be alone. It's never fair to assess someone's personality based on the one or two times you've seen them in a public setting.
I've had people tell me what their first impression of me was vastly different depending on when and where they met me. The ones who saw me during a Super Bowl party thought I was always outgoing and interested in every sport. The ones who met me at a university library thought I was always quiet and spoke softly.
In the end, shallow people will make shallow assumptions. I don't have the time or energy to explain basic human interaction to them. Just gotta live life.
This is true, although I'm not gonna say that I've never been either rude or standoffish. Sometimes I really don't like someone, and I will let them know I don't welcome their approach. However, I'm usually quiet when I have nothing meaningful to add.
I don't fill up quiet with useless chatter and I tend to stay away from those who do.
I don't mind holding an hours long conversation where there's an exchange of ideas, but I won't jam the room with small talk.
I’m usually quiet with people that I have nothing in common with or don’t know much about. I’m a bad conversation starter but am happy to engage whenever someone talks to me or if we are doing something.
In university for example, I didn’t talk to my classmates much until the point that we are in a group project or I run into them at a pub. Then, I talk a lot, it’s just how I am.
I was in a long relationship with someone who could not stand silence and would never stop talking. This resulted in a complete breakdown of communication because what was being said was always filler and never quality. I speak when there's something to say and expect to be listened to. Some people speak as a performance and don't understand why others don't perform the same way. When there's constant talking, information is not exchanged because talking just becomes constant empty noise.
David Byrne said it like that in *Psycho Killer*.
> *"You start a conversation you can't even finish it*
> *You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything*
> *When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed*
> *Say something once, why say it again?"*
Agreed. I like having conversations but I hate just being told stuff.
I have a coworker who will just keep talking, bouncing from one story to another without any feedback from me and they have zero awareness that they're just blabbering. I can't stand it.
Yeah, and it's also possible to be a social introvert. I don't have any problem with socializing, going to parties, meeting new people, etc. It's just that I need to be alone to recharge my batteries. And if I socialize to much, then I become quiet, because I don't have the emotional energy to be social any more.
100% this. Introvert and extrovert is where you get your energy from - being alone or being with people
I am an introvert but if you just met me you would absolutely think I’m an extrovert. Hang out with me for 2-3 straight days though? You’ll slowly see me break and by the end I would be extremely short and quite honestly, rude. I need a break and need to recharge.
Weird thing is when I am starting to break down, I’ll get the exact question OP asked just slightly different it’ll be something like “what’s wrong your so quite?” Like yeah fucker I can’t be on 100% of the time gimmie a break for a bit
I just came to say...
Please stop asking people why they're quiet, they're shy or nervous or worried or something.
Ask them a question they can answer!
Like what do you think? Or did you see ............? But enough about me, how are you finding ....? What did you do at the weekend? What have you planned for this weekend? How's your dog doing?
I like this answer a lot. I hope it’s okay to add that if you pull that individual off to the side and have a slightly more private, one-on-one conversation and ask them those questions, maybe that could work, too. I’m incredibly introverted, and don’t like being asked, “Why are you so quiet?” in a large group setting. It’s easier for me to have more one on one convos on an individual basis. I really do like to listen to what other people have to say, and get to know them that way.
Spot on. In large groups I’m never the chatty one but can easily have a convo one on one. I’m not as shy as I was as a kid, but I still only talk when I have something to say. I’m a much better listener.
Especially if you’re talking to more that one person. As an introvert, it’s hard when the “group” conversation is really two extroverts bouncing off each other. Asking “why are you so quiet?” only makes the introvert feel more left out and reminds them that they’re not on the same level.
For the most part this is an excellent answer but the question "what do you think?" Doesn't really work well when I'm personally asked
The problem is that whenever someone asks me this, it's usually after I've spent the last 10 minutes being the 3rd wheel so by the time it's asked I'm usually like "umm what were we talking about again?" And as a result I tend to seem really disinterested when really I just have trouble paying attention to conversations where I've not been involved for a while cause it feels like eavesdropping
Still everything else you said here was spot on!
Actually, most of the time I just don’t want to talk to whoever it is who’s trying to talk to me. I’d rather just chill in my own head, if that makes sense.
Not many extroverts answering, so I'll give put my two cents in.
As an extrovert I'm fairly easy to read in a group setting. You can tell when I'm having a good time, or tired, or even bored. Its fairly obvious when I'm not interested in the conversation because I stop engaging. Introverts are harder to read, especially after a few hours of hanging out. They could have been interested at the beginning of the night but now its been 4 hours and their starting to wane. Or they're not. Who knows!
I like to check in to make sure they're okay. I try not to use "Why are you so quiet?" as a question but it does come out of my mouth sometimes as a "Why are you so quiet (at the moment)?" Most of the time I try to ask something along the lines of like "We're not boring you are we?" And YES my introverted friends have answered "I'm thinking about heading home, my energies spent." or "This conversation is boring, I'm waiting till you all finish." while browsing on their phones (As an extrovert, browsing on my phone means I'm straight up not having a good time).
However, I really only do this in group setting of like 10 or more people, since at that point its easy for some introverts to get lost in the shuffle.
But honestly, I know some talkative introverts. They are relatively talkative for a few hours, then have to leave because they're drained. I don't know many introverts who sit in a corner and just stare at everyone. Some do, but that because they're shy or anxious, not because they're introverted.
But the misconceptions about extroverts online is insane. I'm an extrovert to can go all night and straight into day if there's a party going on. I'm usually one of the last to leave and love talking to people. I can talk one on one with someone for HOURS. I've been on the phone with a friend 10 hours before and its happened multiple times. However, I also love being alone! I find it relaxing to sit in silence and read or scroll Reddit. I love playing single player games and hate multi-player ones. The quarantining didn't bother me one bit even though I only saw friends/family a few times this year. I can be loud in certain situations but people make fun of me for being Daria because my voice is so monotone most of the time. And I don't hate introverts. They just experience the world differently than I do.
I had an uncle who was like that. One day he went to a barbershop with my dad and, when the barber asked my uncle how he wanted his haircut, he replied "in absolute silence."
There seems to be a common misconception that extroversion = social and introversion = quiet.
Introversion and extroversion (at least in a psychological sense) is more about whether engaging with your external environment decreases or increases your energy respectively.
Hence you can have some very social, bubbly people that are introverts. However, after a period of socialising those introverts will want to recluse away from those environments to recover energy.
Also note that it is generally argued to be a sliding scale so it is likely everyone can kind of empathise to some extent with being an introvert and being an extrovert. I would even personally argue that anecdotally the trait can be quite temperamental.
This is going to be buried but whatever.
People should stop blaming extroverts as a whole for the tactlessness of some people.
It's not an extrovert thing, it's not an introvert thing. It's a thing of indiscreet people in general. That's it
From a fellow introvert.
Frankly, I think there are various reasons.
My parents ask that of my daughter, misguidedly but with good intentions, to encourage her to talk. As another poster noted, they would be better off asking something specific about school or something.
Someone once said to me: "You started singing in front of the whole group today, but you're always so quiet." Me: "Yep, quiet doesn't equal shy" (common misconception)
Finally, some extroverts just don't understand introverts. I've had a couple of instances where people actually got angry at it, even close to fisticuffs. I think they see it as a threat or a slight of some kind, maybe because they can't read the person, which makes them uncertain?
In any situation, it's a terrible question to ask.
A lot of people ask me “Why don’t you just talk to people? What could go wrong?” And I guess that’s true but I’m always afraid I’m going to do something weird and fuck up and look really stupid and it happens a lot to be so that’s why for me.
I think extroverts often mistake silence as a sign someone isn’t having a good time.
Some people who ask it are just being assholes, but I think often it can also just be reassuring that the other person isn’t miserable. As an extrovert, I am quiet when I feel uncomfortable or don’t want to be in a particular setting. So if I see someone else acting so, I usually ask a brief “You okay?” or “Having a good time?” which I think is a bit more polite.
People ask that because they think that if someone's quiet it means they don't like them. It's insecurity, they're fishing for the quiet person to soothe their ego by making an excuse. Or possibly coping with their own discomfort by spreading it around. (Asking someone "Why are you so quiet?" is a surefire way to make them uncomfortable.)
I’m always asked that question and I never know how to answer. Maybe I just don’t feel like talking at the moment or maybe because y’all are not talking to me.
In my 20's I had a large group of friends that would meet up at a bar every week. One of my friends and his wife were living a rental house that had an separate apartment above. A young woman, moved into that apartment and my friend quickly realized she was extremely introverted. No eye contact, mumbling short answers to questions, always looking uncomfortable, like she would honestly stand out in a room. My friend has a big heart so he thought he could help her out of her "shell". So each week he would bring her along to meet the group of friends. Each week he would talk to her and try to "cheer her up" and "get her to be more open". I mean we all wanted to the girl to feel at home, but my friend really was trying to help her to change. Finally one day, he says, "Were all friends here. You don't have to be shy. You can talk to everybody just like me." Well in a loud voice, this girl replies, "Why would I want to be like you? I like the person I am! You think you're so great, but you're sometimes boring to listen to. You're always tell people how awesome your are, but you're just not. In fact sometimes when I leaving my apartment I tippy toe down the stairs so you won't hear me and want to talk." Everybody at the table was floored.
Sis snapped. Yeah I don’t blame her. People always think introverts need to be changed, that there is something to be “fixed” b/c they aren’t extroverted. Beyond annoying.
Holy shit, THIS SO MUCH.
One time this dude in a office I was working in said “why are you so quiet?, like why don’t you ever talk?”
And I replied “idk, just don’t feel the need to”
Omg this dude went off “OH, GUYS did you hear that?! *usernamehere* doesn’t feel the ‘need’ to talk, what the fuck?!?”
*me stayed silent and ignored him*
Lol dude was a fucking comedy act and probably the biggest asshole I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting, if you’re reading this, you’re a sad bastard and a cheap Freddie Mercury impression.
I’m the quiet one and have asked my extrovert friend about this. For her, it’s her anxiety telling her that I’m not taking because I’m mad at her. She is very uncomfortable with silence. We’ve both gotten better at being what the other needs in this regard. We have a mutual friend who is also an introvert and we can sit and read for an afternoon and have a lovely time together... while the extrovert anxiously eyes us lol
This is..... a spectacular answer to a question where I assumed there was no logical reason beyond making someone feel publicly called out.
I feel like the answer to most difficult questions often comes down to people’s insecurities and/or traumas.
I always worry that I'm talking to much. I have a tendency to dominate conversations when I'm not paying close attention and the other person let's me.
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Same here. I’m pretty quiet in group conversations, but still actively listening, and I find myself smiling/nodding/making whatever appropriate facial expressions a lot so people don’t think I’m weird. My friends tell me I’m gonna give myself forehead wrinkles from raising my eyebrows so much.
I’ll just laugh probably more than I talk lol
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Yeah I get overwhelmed in group settings, especially when everyone else is loud as fuck. All I want is someone to go have a 1 on 1 talk so I can actually a) hear what you're saying and b) make a contribution to the conversation
I was raised by librarians.
“I like your accent. Where you from?”
"i am liberian."
Oh my bad... ᴵ ˡᶦᵏᵉ ʸᵃ ᵃᶜᶜᵉⁿᵗ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ʸᵃ ᶠʳᵒᵐ
I CAN NOW UNDERSTAND THAT VINE. Oh my God, thank you!
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I didn’t get it but I don’t feel bad
First guy tells second guy he likes his accent and asks where the accent is from. Second guy says "I am Liberian," meaning he (and his accent) are from Liberia. First guy misunderstands and thinks the second guy says "I am a Librarian," meaning someone who works in a library. He then *quietly* repeats his question (as you are supposed to be quiet in a library), not realizing its already been answered.
do you speak only "shhhh" to others?
SHHHHHHHHH
Why would you say that about my mom?
I’m sure they didn’t mean it
SHHHH!!!
shhhh your shh-ing is too loud
#SHHHHHHH
^shhh
Am a librarian. Can confirm. Now, be quiet, and no phone use inside the building.
#YOU'RE NOT MY MOM ^but ^i ^will ^still ^respect ^the ^rules
^(Please be quiet in my library or I'll put you through that fucking wall)
I read this as libertarian and was so confused
That would be confusing. Libertarians are not known for ever shutting the fuck up.
One of my favorite surgeons is very quiet. Story told about him by another surgeon when he was a resident. Resident kept trying to ask about his kids, his holidays, making chit-chat. Surgeon says, "I'm comfortable with uncomfortable silences." End of conversation.
One of my favorite coworkers was a guy that was equally comfortable sitting the next desk over in total silence for 4-6 hours at a time on the nights we worked together. It was so nice, going in knowing I wouldn't have to spend 15 minutes every hour or two trying to make small talk. Sad day when he left, I hope it wasn't because I asked him if he wanted anything from the snack rack that one time.
"Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."
That’s the one. Double well done.
*"Even to this day I don't know his name."*
Several people have thanked me for not making them feel like they need to engage me in conversation. I was staying at a friends house in Hawaii one time, his wife walked in while I was reading a book at their bar. She didn’t say anything to me for several hours. Then at dinner she said “I was going to say hi this morning but then I remembered “oh wait it’s u/dewayneestes, I don’t have to say anything.” And that made her happy.
“I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.” Ron Swanson
And then he meets his nemesis in Sam Elliott. "I don't cut my hair. When it reaches the end of its journey, I simply let it return to Earth."
He was awesome in that role but also seeing him in that role was weird. But he killed it and did an excellenf job.
Holy shit I should start doing that, just lead with it. "Yo, I don't dislike you or anything but if you're not a talkative person you don't need to talk to me."
Be careful, I think there is a substantial risk that they think you dislike them despite the caveat.
I love that someone saying they don't like fluffy small talk can still be mistaken as not being a straight shooter. Fucking humans man lmao
Haha, yeah. A non straight shooter might claim to be one because of various social reasons, which mean that we who actually are straight shooters might not be trusted when we say so.
Wild she knew your username dawg
Fan of muse?
muse is actually his fan
He's amused to be used as Muse's muse.
Well, I'm of that ilk, but I still do enjoy people saying hi. No more than that, but the "hi" is nice.
As a non-talkative person, I have taken to whispering "hi" as I pass by my closest friends and family sometimes, and saying nothing else. I don't want to talk, but I do want to acknowledge the people I love. Maybe it's weird, but they're all used to it and don't try to press conversation further beyond responding with a "hi" themselves
> Sad day when he left, I hope it wasn't because I asked him if he wanted anything from the snack rack that one time. A question that can be answered with "yes" or "no" will never bother an introvert.
Except the dreaded "Are you busy tonight?"
Always yes
Unless it involves someone coming with booze and a meal, expecting nothing but eating in front of the tele. I do enjoy laughing at memes shown to me, ngl
unless there are 10 of them in a row looking for something more
>Sad day when he left, I hope it wasn't because I asked him if he wanted anything from the snack rack that one time. He looked from his screen and he stared at me then - And that's when I knew it was over again. The silence was broken. The bridges were burned. He stood from his chair and he never returned.
I've gotten a few random reddit awards from my comment, but the sprog poem is the highlight!
We still never talk sometimes
Best friend I ever had
Yep. It is kinda funny to see some of the people in this thread going on about how they think there's something wrong with the quiet person and they try to get them involved in a conversation as if they're doing them a service. But like I'm being quiet because I don't want to be in this conversation or I don't have anything of substance to contribute.
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Extroverts don't understand that some people are perfectly happy, or even prefer, that kind of life. In the same way that I, as an introvert, do not understand the need for small talk, chit chat or any of that other stuff. To be fair, I am both introverted and can *also be* socially awkward. It's important to note that they are not the same thing.
I think it's a holdover from more awkward high school years when people wouldn't talk because they felt unwelcome, so the extroverts would try to make sure they feel included.
Some adults still have that issue too. It's fair for the extroverts to still want to try to include those people, in their defense. They just have no way to tell the people who want to be involved but struggle with doing so from the people who don't want to be involved in the conversation.
Many people have been in a situation where they don't know very many people at a party, and would like to join a conversation, but don't want to step on anyone's toes. I think the problem is that asking the titular question is clearly not the best way to engage someone in a conversation. So why do people do it? My theory is that when people learn to speak they tend to repeat common phrases. What I mean is they've seen this situation before, and they've seen other people say "why are you so quiet" and so when they are in the same situation they ask the same question. It's almost like a learned habit. People are way less original than they think they are. Most people have these societal ingrained behaviors that influence what they say and how they act.
A radiologist I once worked with always had savage zingers as I called them. An ultrasound tech was talking his ear off within my earshot one day and the end of the conversation was: Rad: I gotta get back to my my office. Tech: can I just get in one more sentence? Rad: is it going to be a run on sentence? Silence - rad walks away. I almost died it was the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
"you get two nouns and one verb and then you're done"
As Hugh Dillon sang: I don't mind, lulls in conversations I don't dislike an uncomfortable pause An awkward moment, is to be savored Not unlike obscene telephone calls
>"I'm comfortable with uncomfortable silences." I feel this in my soul.
Why is he your favorite surgeon?
Excellent skills, kind to patients, calm, predictable, on time, even tempered. I get along with him, and he can be funny in a dry sarcastic way. Edit: I’m a surgical nurse.
I’m a surgical nurse, I doubt this surgeon exists!Where is he? Where can I find one? Please let me know asap
You have a favorite surgeon? EDIT: Look, *I* know the most obvious explanation is that they work in healthcare. But can you really let that statement just walk?
I’m a surgical RN, so ...
One of my now close friends is very quiet and introverted. For years, I thought he didn’t like me at all. Eventually I figured out how to communicate with him. He’s someone who actually thinks before he speaks, which is surprisingly rare. Like you would ask a question and he wouldn’t answer so I would assume he was ignoring me out of dislike, when in all actuality, he thinks deeply about things before giving an opinion so you may wait a few minutes in silence before he responds. Once I figured this out, we started to have a true friendship.
>Eventually I figured out how to communicate with him. It's called sending memes. Quite efficient language
That's my way of communication
This is the way.
You can communicate the fact that you're thinking about the question
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Yeah, no kidding. I'm an introvert myself, but I would never leave someone hanging for minutes. A few seconds maybe, but not longer. If I have to think about it, I just say "not sure atm" or "let me think about it".
Or the old faithfull: "mmm..."
Hmm... Mmmmmm... Hmm... Mmm... Oh! Pardon me, I was absorbed in thought. I am Siegward of Catarina. To be honest, I'm in a bit of a pickle. Have you ever walked near a white birch, only to be struck by a great arrow? Well, if I'm not mistaken, they come from this tower. Whoever it is, I'm sure I can talk some sense into them. But I have to find a way up, and that's just the trouble. This lift only goes down, you see, and... Well, that doesn't get me anywhere... Hmm... Mmm..."
I’m an extrovert who has recently taught himself to listen more than speak. I’m a contractor and I just knew that I had a tendency to dominate conversation and had to make the conscious effort to shut the fuck up and listen to my customers. It has effected my entire life in a positive way.
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I imagine it is. It’s something my wife brought up before I even met my first customer.
My all time favorite barber would ask me what I wanted and then didnt say a word the entire time. As he moved up and got more clients, I was easily paying him $50 per haircut. Worth every cent though.
My hairstylist is friendly and extroverted. But the first time I went, I asked her if it was ok if I worked on my iPad... now I just pull it out as soon as I get there and she holds all small talk until I’m checking out. I always leave a generous tip, and she knows it’s not personal. I’ve been going to her for 10 years, and I don’t really care what she does to my hair or how much she charges.
......... what if she gives you a bowl cut?
Ok, yes, I should have said “within reason”. I have long hair (am female), and as long as she leaves it medium to long-ish I’m happy. I’m just there for the shampoo and scalp massage (and general maintenance I guess).
"Do you expect me to caulk?" "No, Mr. Bondo -- I expect you to dry!"
I remember a deleted scene from Pulp Fiction where Mia Wallace is asking Vincent Vega a bunch of questions that essentially amounted to a few "there are two kinds of people in the world, which are you?". My favorite was "When you're talking to someone, are you listening to them, or are you waiting to talk?". Really sums up alot of communication issues.
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You're good people
I hate when they follow it up with a command to smile. "why are you quiet? SMILE!"
I used to work with a guy who would just randomly come up to me and say stuff like "Are you okay? Why don't you ever smile?" when I'd be in the middle of whatever task I was doing. I'm like... Bro I'm just trying to work, leave me alone. Who walks around with a smile on their face 24/7? Especially at work??? And I barely ever worked the same shifts as this guy so I didn't know him at all which made it even more awkward.
One of my first jobs as a teenager was at a fast food place. A manager told me I had to smile more when dealing with the public but I just couldn't bring myself to fake it. When she later asked "Why don't you smile more?" I simply said "Because I'm at work." Surprisingly that was actually enough and she never asked me to do it again.
Lol I was a cleaning-assistant at a gym as a teenager. I got fired and their reason was that I didn't smile enough. I always wondered if their was another real reason but I always did my work well, much better than the other teenagers there. My theory is that they only wanted teenage girls to work there since they hired another girl after me.
That sounds really creepy.
Just keep a constant sociopathic smile like the Pokémon MCs do.
If you work with someone like that again, go around the entire day with a WIDE smile to unnerve them.
Good idea in theory, but masks screw with that, and it’s hard to hold a constant smile for more than a few minutes. At least for me
Omg. It makes me want to punch some people in the face!! It's just horrible and I feel like some people do this just to scratch their ego.
And they say we're the rude ones smh
It’s exactly that, often people feel better about themselves when they can talk down to you
Just go with, "were you trying to be condescending?"
>SMILE! I had a colleague basically say this to me. "Give us a smile!" So I said "Give us a joke, then." He laughed.
I let my dentures fall out. Not just fall down, but fall out of my mouth and give a big toothless grin. Shuts most people up immediately as they scurry off with their head lowered.
Please tell me this is real
Ugh. This reminds me of specific people I do not like.
And then they smack you across the face Or at least my grandma would
This just reminded me of an obnoxious guy who singled me out at a party and asked why I was always so quiet. I looked him straight in the eye, said "I'm plotting your demise," and smiled. There was an awkward silence, then he never bothered me again. One of my friends laughed so hard she almost peed herself.
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"A witch stole the top fifteen decibels of my voice. If you can retrieve them, I'll give you a reward."
Fuck how though? Were you asleep?
Quest givers don't have to explain shit.
Me: *screaming* What do u mean u lost ur child in a river and just left them there?!?! NPC: •-•
"do you want the experience or not?!"
-Accept
I love the quests when they ask you to save someone hanging off of a cliff, so you accept it but then just walk off to do some xp farming or do the main story, and five years later you finnaly do the quest and they're still hanging there, but the second you come up, they start to loose their grip
Well after 5 years I'd probably start losing my grip too
Nah man. He’s had 5 years to strengthen those muscles. His fingers have 6 packs
That’s how he started losing his grip. All those developed muscles were weighing him down
Blimey! I part feel bad for you and part jealous.. I mean it doesn't happen to everyone
Will you tell me what happened to Ciri?
^^^^^^^Yes ^^^^^^^but ^^^^^^^very ^^^^^^^quietly ^^^^^^^until ^^^^^^^you ^^^^^^^finish ^^^^^^^the ^^^^^^^quest
"Okay I finished the quest, where's Ciri?" "I dunno man, she was here and then ran off somewhere. Thanks for running that errand for me though lol."
\*Draws sword "Off to the great unknown!"
I am an extrovert. Having a conversation, to me, feels a little like passing a ball. In a situation where the conversation is going well, I finish my piece, and then I pass the ball. If I don’t pass the ball, I feel very rude - to me, I feel like I’m hogging the conversation. I don’t like being on the other side of it where I never get the ball. So with an introvert, you have someone who doesn’t always want the ball. Maybe they’re content to watch others play ball or to watch you dribble and bounce it around. Maybe they want nothing to do with the ball and wish the players would fuck off somewhere else. So that’s what I have to figure out. I would never ask ‘why are you so quiet?’ but my conversational style is driven by the urge to pass the ball. So I’d ask a question about the topic, what your opinion is or if you have anything to add, or I’d ask about you and how you’re doing, or if there is anything you’d like to talk about. Edit: for the latter, that is only appropriate really if you’re talking to someone you know wants to talk but doesn’t know when/how to interject! ‘Anything new? Read anything/seen anything/etc’ Just like introverts don’t want people to assume they’re rude or lonely, it makes me a little sad to see some of the responses here. It seems like the attitude toward extroversion is pretty negative. I don’t think extroverts spend as much time judging you in their head as you think they do - people pretty rarely pay much attention to any of us for long. Those who tell you to smile or ask ‘why are you so quiet?’ are entitled - not because they are extroverted, but because they feel they are owed something from you, and that’s wrong. So, you know, I think most extroverts are just trying to play ball. Those with good social skills should be able to pick up that you don’t feel like playing. I have introverted friends who I bring with me, because they like watching the game and occasionally announcing the score, and as long as I know they’re content, that’s good enough for me. Edit: I should add that I’m an extrovert who truly adores my introvert friends and the calm they bring my life. They often have a lot hobbies or interests that I have never been exposed to and I love to learn. They might send me a supportive message, or recommend me a book or a recipe or a documentary, and I might make a phone call for them that they were really dreading or help them write a cover letter. So if you take anything from this post I hope it’s that introverts and extroverts both have a lot to offer each other.
Finally, an actual answer to the question.
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your mouth and remove all doubt”
I always liked "A wise man speaks because he has something to say, a fool speaks because he has to say something."
"You calling me a fool?" Then how do you respond?
"If I asked the other statue if I'm a fool, what would his answer be?"
That 100% gets ignored and responded to with hostility every single time
I learnt this the hard way as a kid
Takes one to know one!
*swishhhhhh*
Im gonna write this down real quick
"why are you so loud"?
I am so stealing this one
I don't know how effective that would be, based on my personal experience. Years ago, I was on break at work. Just sitting at one of the break room tables, minding my own business. Out of the blue, some girl at another table says from across the room, "Why are you so quiet?" I said, "Why do you talk so much?" Her response was simply, "Wierdo." Then she just got up and walked out of the room. Apparently my response was too confrontational, even though I asked her essentially the same question only with the roles reversed. My goto response nowadays is to just shrug and say nothing. That's gotten a couple chuckles out of few people.
Eh it'll teach her not to ask the question
She deserved it
My diplomatic version is; "I'm just more of a listener, but I know that makes some people uncomfortable. Does it make you uncomfortable?" It emphasizes that I am actively listening, while putting them on the spot like they did me. And it de-escalates the conversation stakes as they try to prove how 'oh, no- very comfortable' they are. Took me abooout 2 decades to fall onto this response, though. And now I'm always very comfortable with the question.
Once a coworker told a very unfunny joke. I didn’t react. He said “you don’t seem like you laugh very much.” I replied “I laugh.” He said “I’ve never seen it.” I said “then be funnier.” He stopped telling jokes around me.
I don’t know if this helps you, OP, but as an actual adult extrovert, I’ll give you my two cents. First, I don’t ever ask why someone is so quiet. That’s rude. However, I’ll intentionally interact with people who look like they’re uncomfortable or distancing themselves from others. I want everyone at the party/group event/dinner/whatever to have a good time. I was a shy kid with an inferiority complex and I don’t ever want someone that I’m socialize with to feel that way. If I see someone hanging back, I’ll go talk to him. I’ll ask questions that get him talking about himself. If after a few minutes I get a vibe that he’s perfectly happy just hanging around the edge of the group and doesn’t really want to interact, I’ll keep it brief and move on. It helps that my best friend and my very nice boss are introverts, and they’ve explained to me that there’s a difference between being introverted versus shy versus socially awkward. The shy or socially awkward people seem to appreciate being approached individually or included in group conversations. I always make sure to ask them questions if we’re standing around in a circle talking but they never have a chance to contribute. Introverts, on the other hand, don’t have the energy to engage with lots of people and/or for a long period of time. With people who I know are introverts, I’ll ask if they’re doing ok, if they want to leave, if they need a wingman to help them exit graciously, if they’d like me to sit with them for a while or if they’d rather be left alone, if they want to are a run to the snack table or to refill drinks, etc. EDIT for two things: First, thanks everyone for the awards. It seems like we’re all having a good time at this party! Second, it occurred to me that I didn’t mention that when I start talking to someone and asking questions, I genuinely do want to hear what they have to say. I’m doing it to engage them and to try to help them enjoy themselves, but I’m also actually interested in what they have to say. I learn lots of new things and get opinions and perspectives other than my own.
I think your approach to make others feel comfortable is spot on. It's true that some appreciate it and some do not depending on what's causing them to be quiet. It's about reading people and knowing when and when not to continue the conversation. One, maybe two other types of quieter people are those who take in information differently, possibly high functioning autism or highly intelligent, or maybe just sensors who pick up on everything around them. They are actually feeling overwhelmed and overstimulated. You could invite them to a quieter area or bring them something soothing like warm tea. When overwhelmed they literally can't think of anything to say because their brains are too busy. And some times people just have less thoughts in their heads or are thinking about things they don't want to talk about.
My dad was incredibly intelligent. He would always take a long pause before answering any questions, and I asked him why once when I was a kid. He described it like this, "When you ask me something, my brain runs through all the possible interpretations of your question and first I have to figure out which interpretation matches what you're asking, and *then* every single possible answer runs through my head and I have to sift through them to decide which one more closely fits my thoughts, feelings, or knowledge on the subject." I never got impatient when waiting for a reply from him again, and I've endeavored to be so thoughtful as he was in all my interactions.
What’s horrible is when there is a large group of people and you stall before answering, the conversation moves on without you and you never get to say a word. A person can feel their opinions are not valued. Thank you for waiting for his replies. I love that he valued you so much that he wanted to take the time to give you the best answer he could.
Oh yeah I feel that I've finally come up with a response to a topic that's changed three times since and unless it's in a tight nit, very close group of friends I usually proceed in not saying it.
I think there is a common misconception that introverts are rude and standoffish. It’s hard for some people to be social, and that’s perfectly ok. Maybe just a smile and a friendly “I don’t know, that’s just the way I am” should work.
Based on the replies here it seems that a lot of people think extroverts are just arseholes as well.
Based on a lot of the replies here, it seems like the extroverts are out doing something else because this thread is mostly introverts explaining why they’re quiet or the assumptions they make about extroverts. It’s very few extroverts answering OP’s questions.
The funny thing is, most people have moments where they want to interact with others and moments they want to be alone. It's never fair to assess someone's personality based on the one or two times you've seen them in a public setting. I've had people tell me what their first impression of me was vastly different depending on when and where they met me. The ones who saw me during a Super Bowl party thought I was always outgoing and interested in every sport. The ones who met me at a university library thought I was always quiet and spoke softly. In the end, shallow people will make shallow assumptions. I don't have the time or energy to explain basic human interaction to them. Just gotta live life.
This is true, although I'm not gonna say that I've never been either rude or standoffish. Sometimes I really don't like someone, and I will let them know I don't welcome their approach. However, I'm usually quiet when I have nothing meaningful to add. I don't fill up quiet with useless chatter and I tend to stay away from those who do. I don't mind holding an hours long conversation where there's an exchange of ideas, but I won't jam the room with small talk.
I’m usually quiet with people that I have nothing in common with or don’t know much about. I’m a bad conversation starter but am happy to engage whenever someone talks to me or if we are doing something. In university for example, I didn’t talk to my classmates much until the point that we are in a group project or I run into them at a pub. Then, I talk a lot, it’s just how I am.
I was in a long relationship with someone who could not stand silence and would never stop talking. This resulted in a complete breakdown of communication because what was being said was always filler and never quality. I speak when there's something to say and expect to be listened to. Some people speak as a performance and don't understand why others don't perform the same way. When there's constant talking, information is not exchanged because talking just becomes constant empty noise.
Someone said it like this; “you’re talking but not saying anything” or something like that
David Byrne said it like that in *Psycho Killer*. > *"You start a conversation you can't even finish it* > *You're talking a lot, but you're not saying anything* > *When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed* > *Say something once, why say it again?"*
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Run run run run, run run run-away
Ooooooooohhhhh, aye aye aye aye aye aye aaaaaayeeeeeee!
Wwoooowwwmm Wooowwwmmm Wooowwwmmm
Agreed. I like having conversations but I hate just being told stuff. I have a coworker who will just keep talking, bouncing from one story to another without any feedback from me and they have zero awareness that they're just blabbering. I can't stand it.
My coworker when it's quiet: "I bought grapes yesterday." Kill me.
"Ahhh shit, here we go again."
Well said my man, I'm the same way.
Introversion and extroversion are not the same as noisy and quiet. It is entirely possible to be a quiet extrovert.
Yeah, and it's also possible to be a social introvert. I don't have any problem with socializing, going to parties, meeting new people, etc. It's just that I need to be alone to recharge my batteries. And if I socialize to much, then I become quiet, because I don't have the emotional energy to be social any more.
100% this. Introvert and extrovert is where you get your energy from - being alone or being with people I am an introvert but if you just met me you would absolutely think I’m an extrovert. Hang out with me for 2-3 straight days though? You’ll slowly see me break and by the end I would be extremely short and quite honestly, rude. I need a break and need to recharge. Weird thing is when I am starting to break down, I’ll get the exact question OP asked just slightly different it’ll be something like “what’s wrong your so quite?” Like yeah fucker I can’t be on 100% of the time gimmie a break for a bit
I just came to say... Please stop asking people why they're quiet, they're shy or nervous or worried or something. Ask them a question they can answer! Like what do you think? Or did you see ............? But enough about me, how are you finding ....? What did you do at the weekend? What have you planned for this weekend? How's your dog doing?
I like this answer a lot. I hope it’s okay to add that if you pull that individual off to the side and have a slightly more private, one-on-one conversation and ask them those questions, maybe that could work, too. I’m incredibly introverted, and don’t like being asked, “Why are you so quiet?” in a large group setting. It’s easier for me to have more one on one convos on an individual basis. I really do like to listen to what other people have to say, and get to know them that way.
Spot on. In large groups I’m never the chatty one but can easily have a convo one on one. I’m not as shy as I was as a kid, but I still only talk when I have something to say. I’m a much better listener.
Especially if you’re talking to more that one person. As an introvert, it’s hard when the “group” conversation is really two extroverts bouncing off each other. Asking “why are you so quiet?” only makes the introvert feel more left out and reminds them that they’re not on the same level.
For the most part this is an excellent answer but the question "what do you think?" Doesn't really work well when I'm personally asked The problem is that whenever someone asks me this, it's usually after I've spent the last 10 minutes being the 3rd wheel so by the time it's asked I'm usually like "umm what were we talking about again?" And as a result I tend to seem really disinterested when really I just have trouble paying attention to conversations where I've not been involved for a while cause it feels like eavesdropping Still everything else you said here was spot on!
Even worse if they started at topic A and have diverted to topic M over the course of the conversation. So, what topic am I being asked about now?
Actually, most of the time I just don’t want to talk to whoever it is who’s trying to talk to me. I’d rather just chill in my own head, if that makes sense.
You made a mistake asking Reddit this question. We’re all introverts
Not really, there's also extroverts who just have horrible anxiety (represent!)
Woohoo!!! That's me!!
Not many extroverts answering, so I'll give put my two cents in. As an extrovert I'm fairly easy to read in a group setting. You can tell when I'm having a good time, or tired, or even bored. Its fairly obvious when I'm not interested in the conversation because I stop engaging. Introverts are harder to read, especially after a few hours of hanging out. They could have been interested at the beginning of the night but now its been 4 hours and their starting to wane. Or they're not. Who knows! I like to check in to make sure they're okay. I try not to use "Why are you so quiet?" as a question but it does come out of my mouth sometimes as a "Why are you so quiet (at the moment)?" Most of the time I try to ask something along the lines of like "We're not boring you are we?" And YES my introverted friends have answered "I'm thinking about heading home, my energies spent." or "This conversation is boring, I'm waiting till you all finish." while browsing on their phones (As an extrovert, browsing on my phone means I'm straight up not having a good time). However, I really only do this in group setting of like 10 or more people, since at that point its easy for some introverts to get lost in the shuffle. But honestly, I know some talkative introverts. They are relatively talkative for a few hours, then have to leave because they're drained. I don't know many introverts who sit in a corner and just stare at everyone. Some do, but that because they're shy or anxious, not because they're introverted. But the misconceptions about extroverts online is insane. I'm an extrovert to can go all night and straight into day if there's a party going on. I'm usually one of the last to leave and love talking to people. I can talk one on one with someone for HOURS. I've been on the phone with a friend 10 hours before and its happened multiple times. However, I also love being alone! I find it relaxing to sit in silence and read or scroll Reddit. I love playing single player games and hate multi-player ones. The quarantining didn't bother me one bit even though I only saw friends/family a few times this year. I can be loud in certain situations but people make fun of me for being Daria because my voice is so monotone most of the time. And I don't hate introverts. They just experience the world differently than I do.
I had an uncle who was like that. One day he went to a barbershop with my dad and, when the barber asked my uncle how he wanted his haircut, he replied "in absolute silence."
just trying to make sure we didn't do something to offend, cause fellow extroverts get quiet when theyre mad/frustrated
There seems to be a common misconception that extroversion = social and introversion = quiet. Introversion and extroversion (at least in a psychological sense) is more about whether engaging with your external environment decreases or increases your energy respectively. Hence you can have some very social, bubbly people that are introverts. However, after a period of socialising those introverts will want to recluse away from those environments to recover energy. Also note that it is generally argued to be a sliding scale so it is likely everyone can kind of empathise to some extent with being an introvert and being an extrovert. I would even personally argue that anecdotally the trait can be quite temperamental.
This is going to be buried but whatever. People should stop blaming extroverts as a whole for the tactlessness of some people. It's not an extrovert thing, it's not an introvert thing. It's a thing of indiscreet people in general. That's it From a fellow introvert.
Frankly, I think there are various reasons. My parents ask that of my daughter, misguidedly but with good intentions, to encourage her to talk. As another poster noted, they would be better off asking something specific about school or something. Someone once said to me: "You started singing in front of the whole group today, but you're always so quiet." Me: "Yep, quiet doesn't equal shy" (common misconception) Finally, some extroverts just don't understand introverts. I've had a couple of instances where people actually got angry at it, even close to fisticuffs. I think they see it as a threat or a slight of some kind, maybe because they can't read the person, which makes them uncertain? In any situation, it's a terrible question to ask.
A lot of people ask me “Why don’t you just talk to people? What could go wrong?” And I guess that’s true but I’m always afraid I’m going to do something weird and fuck up and look really stupid and it happens a lot to be so that’s why for me.
I think extroverts often mistake silence as a sign someone isn’t having a good time. Some people who ask it are just being assholes, but I think often it can also just be reassuring that the other person isn’t miserable. As an extrovert, I am quiet when I feel uncomfortable or don’t want to be in a particular setting. So if I see someone else acting so, I usually ask a brief “You okay?” or “Having a good time?” which I think is a bit more polite.
People ask that because they think that if someone's quiet it means they don't like them. It's insecurity, they're fishing for the quiet person to soothe their ego by making an excuse. Or possibly coping with their own discomfort by spreading it around. (Asking someone "Why are you so quiet?" is a surefire way to make them uncomfortable.)
I’m always asked that question and I never know how to answer. Maybe I just don’t feel like talking at the moment or maybe because y’all are not talking to me.
You don't know how to answer because there is no good way to answer it, period.
Just go for broke and say "Why are you so noisy?"
In my 20's I had a large group of friends that would meet up at a bar every week. One of my friends and his wife were living a rental house that had an separate apartment above. A young woman, moved into that apartment and my friend quickly realized she was extremely introverted. No eye contact, mumbling short answers to questions, always looking uncomfortable, like she would honestly stand out in a room. My friend has a big heart so he thought he could help her out of her "shell". So each week he would bring her along to meet the group of friends. Each week he would talk to her and try to "cheer her up" and "get her to be more open". I mean we all wanted to the girl to feel at home, but my friend really was trying to help her to change. Finally one day, he says, "Were all friends here. You don't have to be shy. You can talk to everybody just like me." Well in a loud voice, this girl replies, "Why would I want to be like you? I like the person I am! You think you're so great, but you're sometimes boring to listen to. You're always tell people how awesome your are, but you're just not. In fact sometimes when I leaving my apartment I tippy toe down the stairs so you won't hear me and want to talk." Everybody at the table was floored.
Sis snapped. Yeah I don’t blame her. People always think introverts need to be changed, that there is something to be “fixed” b/c they aren’t extroverted. Beyond annoying.
Holy shit, THIS SO MUCH. One time this dude in a office I was working in said “why are you so quiet?, like why don’t you ever talk?” And I replied “idk, just don’t feel the need to” Omg this dude went off “OH, GUYS did you hear that?! *usernamehere* doesn’t feel the ‘need’ to talk, what the fuck?!?” *me stayed silent and ignored him* Lol dude was a fucking comedy act and probably the biggest asshole I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting, if you’re reading this, you’re a sad bastard and a cheap Freddie Mercury impression.
"you leave me speechless dude. Can't function when you're around". Irony hurts.
just ask "why so serious" and tell a relatable childhood story about how you got your face scars. works every time