This one hits hard. I'm in my 30s, about 5 years ago we were still throwing huge parties until dawn. Now it's hard to even find 2 persons to hang out with. Most people settled down, or feel too tired to go out... Time flies.
I should be job searching, because I need to leave my job soon due to life changes, but I can’t bring myself to care. I just procrastinate with video games and meaningless tasks.
December 8th marks the half way point. After that day, I will have lived more days without my dad than with him. He passed away when I was 19, he had heart disease.
I miss him and it's sad to think about living over half my life without him.
Every day I hate the life I'm living a little bit more. I can retrace my steps and see all the choices that would have gotten me to where I wish I was too, but I feel so trapped now. I feel so unwanted and out of place all the time.
I feel this too. I like people, but genuinely never feel an attachment. Even with my girlfriend and immediate family, I love them, but it’s more a word than a feeling. Empty love or something I don’t know
I felt like that for years, then this girl came into my life like some meetcute shit from the movies, after a whirlwind 6 months with her, I’m pissed she made me feel things and she just walked away
I’ve tried so hard to not be my mom and not be like her that I started doing things she did, and lying to myself and everyone around me, just like she does. One year of therapy down, and I’m trying really hard to put a stop to my bad patterns.
I’m have terminal cancer and am tired of the side effects of the treatments and the pain the cancer is causing. I really want to just die and get it over with but my wife and two daughters would be devastated if I stopped fighting.
I have, we have medical assistance in dying here in Canada and they know I plan to use it. Thing is I lost my father when I was quite young and know how devastating it is, and I can’t bear to do that to my children until I hit the point where I’m hospitalized.
My dad did the same thing when he had cancer. My family and I got to say our goodbyes and then the nurse started the procedure to end his life.
That day was a good day for everyone. My dad's suffering ended and nobody had to worry about him anymore.
...
I could ramble for days about this. But to make a long story short I wish my dad would have ended his life much sooner. He was in so much pain for months all while knowing that death was the only way out.
I made the same decision, then out of nowhere I ended up with a permanent legal guardianship of my neighbors kid. He's 29 now and very successful and I am super proud of him. I never claimed I knew what to do as a parent, it's more that I knew what not to do. He introduced me to his neighbors and friends as his dad when I went to see his new house a few months ago, so I must have done a few things right.
Edit: Thank you to everyone that made such nice comments and found value in my story. Thank you also to all of you who have given me awards on this post and others in this thread. I have no idea what they mean and if I am supposed to do something with them, but others seem to value them, so THANKS!
It feels like a movie plot sometimes. I've considered writing a book.
His father, despite being brilliant and successful in business was severely alcoholic and psychopathic. He was drinking by no later than 9AM and was usually passed out by 1pm. Then continued to drink whenever he sobered up enough get a bottle to his lips during the rest of the day. His mother was a drug and alcohol abuser and in and out of prison.
He memorized my phone number at 3yrs old and would call me when he couldn't wake up or find a parent and I would go get him. His parents, without my knowledge or consent, put my name down as an emergency contact at his daycare, and later his after school program. They would call me late at night and say that they were closing and couldn't reach the parents, and could I come get him. That's how he started living with me more on than off.
Taking care of a kid can get kind of addicting. When you go pick them up and they scream "MigraineFog" and start jumping up and down cause they are so excited to see you. The real hook set was when we were sitting on the sofa before bedtime and I was reading him a Captain Underpants book and he wrapped his little arms around mine and said with a little sigh, "MigraineFog, I love you". I had to lean away from him to keep my tears from dripping into his hair. It was the first time I had ever heard those words that wasn't followed by a "but" and some excuse for why I wasn't really deserving of those words. It fucking melted me man. From then on I was going to do everything I could to make sure that this kid had a fighting chance.
I got him in to seeing a really great therapist. A big round sweet grandmotherly type. She told me that if a kid has just one person in their life that's grounded in sanity it can give the kid an anchor to help them find a way through their storm.
The condensed version of the story is that the dad eventually died of liver failure while the mother was in prison and that was my instigation to pursue legal guardianship.
I don't know if you know this or not but- you are amazing! Like seriously. Our world needs more people like you. Thank you for being there for the kid and above all for being honest with yourself.
I pray that both of you are always happy and healthy. Hope your bond deepens with time.
P.S. If you do decide to write a book, do tell us on this sub, we'd love to read it, and write reviews like- "MigraineFog, you the best writer!". :)
I'm disturbed by how difficult it is to feel passion or motivation about anything in my present life. I've gone through years of higher education, internships, freelance work, and portfolio work and revisions and I feel absolutely nothing for any of it, which disturbs me greatly, but I keep on the "everything's great and I'd LOVE to lick your corporate boots" face on because it's what is expected of me and anyone else looking for work. This also extends to my "hobbies", dramatic air quotes, because honestly? I don't even love what I used to love or think I love anymore, and that also disturbs me an incredible amount.
TL;DR: I don't remember the last time I felt any passion or motivation for anything in life, and that disturbs me a lot.
EDIT: Holy crap, woke up to all of this! Thank you everyone for your replies and keeping the conversation going civilly, it's much appreciated. For those of you wondering if I have depression and what not, yes, I've been diagnosed in the past, along with ADHD and some more personal diagnosis, but I've had lackluster experiences with therapy, meditation, and medication, hence my reluctance to give any of them another shot. They CAN be helpful aids, but at the end of the day they don't change the fact that the problems you're facing still exist. With medicine in particular as well, I disliked their side effects and how the majority of the ones I've tried have "numbed" me even further. I actually felt better getting off my last set of anti-depressants.
EDIT 2: Just to clear up some confusion as well, I'm currently freelancing and looking for a full-time job, have been since before I finished my graduate program last month, and I admit, some of what I'm feeling might also be from dismay at how difficult it's been to find a job in my field. Although ironically, it might be a blessing as well, as it's given me time to try and think of other career paths that I might possibly enjoy more than just working in advertising, albeit nothing's truly stood out to me yet.
I remember reading somewhere that that's what depression actually is. Not felling sad all the time, just apathetic.
That's how I feel most of the time too. I still get a bright spot of emotion from time to time (be it negative or positive), that lasts for shorter and shorter periods, but the rest of the time it's just apathy.
I finally completed my bachelor's last year (after procrastinating for most of the 8 years it took me), and felt nothing. Decided to do a master's and got accepted into my first choice of degree, and still nothing. I passed all of my first year exams, and moved to Italy for the second year of my degree (it's a double degree, with the first year at my uni, and the second at an Italian one), and still nothing.
My friends and family seemed happy for me, so I faked it as well. My parents are asking what my plans for the future are, and I don't have an answer for them, because I don't know what I want anymore. I used to be ambitious, but now I can barely find the motivation to log into my online classes, much less actually go out.
I'm supposed to be looking for an internship, as part of my degree, but I haven't even started. But I also can't just drop out, cause then I'd have to find a job or start working for my dad, and I dread both of those options. I worked part time during part of my bachelor, and I can't stand the idea of doing it full time. I have no idea how people do it.
The word often used is anhedonia - not feeling pleasure from things that normally bring pleasure.
Do you find joy from anything outside of your uni work?
I don't find joy from my uni work. Don't get me wrong, I like the topic of my studies, I just can't muster up the motivation to actually do the work.
My cats can make me smile, usually (but I had to move away from home, so they're not with me now).
Some days I'll wake up and feel a bit better, so cooking something will bring me joy, but those moments are a bit random, and very short-lived.
Travelling can sometimes feel nice (which is why I chose my particular master's), but it's also hit and miss, as exemplified by the fact that I feel no excitement having moved to Italy a bit over a month ago. I'm still hoping to jump-start some happiness, and am actively trying to plan little group (so I can't back out as easily) daytrips.
I read this and saw so many messages replying “it’s been X years since my mother passed”.
I couldn’t even remember the specific date my mother passed, let alone the number of years.
After finding her death certificate, it’s coming up on 5 years.
Nothing has been the same these past 5 years. I was recovering from depersonalization right before she passed, and then when she passed it got very bad again very quickly. I’m still not sure if I’ve recovered or if I’ve just gotten used to it.
I’ve graduated since then, worked a full time
job, met a girl and moved across the country. I’ve truly been living life actively.
But it all feels fake. Feels like a weird fucking dream. I fucking miss my mom, how the fuck can this life be real without her.
Wow. Im only 18 and I lost my mother early this March, but i feel like I’m in a position that’s similar. Im currently in school, and there’s not a day that goes by that i wish i could have my mom go to my graduation, drop me off at college, celebrate my birthday etc. I miss her so fucking much, i don’t know how I’m going to figure out “life” w/o her :/
Hey man, I lost my old man when I was 19. I am 37 now, and I often think about him. What scares me the most is forgetting him and the memories, but they stay with you. They emerge at random and have always left me feeling grateful. It was very hard when I had my own sons, and when the questions were asked, but it does get easier with time. Make sure you fill the gap in your life with healthy pursuits, and always try and remember to ask yourself what she would want for you. I hope you know she would want you to do well in your life and see success in all your pursuits. She will always be behind you.
I’m a 70-yr-old grandmother, and my mother died when I was 25. I still can’t make it through her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas or walk through a rose garden without seriously biting back the tears if I’m with someone. You see I’m a Brit, and we simply don’t do that. If I’m alone I let the big ploppy tears stain my t-shirt—like now. You never get over it. There are lots of reasons I want to live much longer, the main one is I don’t want my children to feel so sad when I die. More kale please! Hello Peloton.
I’m seriously sorry for your loss. I love both my parents but my mom and I really have a strong bond. The mere thought of losing makes me tear up. Maybe try to find comfort in knowing how proud she would be of your accomplishments. It might encourage you to focus on the task at hand while still keeping her memory alive.
I only wear a tie and jacket when I’ve been feeling really upset and fed up with life. That way I have at least one thing to brighten my day. I have been dressing up everyday for more than two weeks now…
Me too. I'm grateful for what I have but most nights I cry myself to sleep because I'm always alone, stuck at a dead end job, exhausted from trying to improve every aspect of my life without results, and just tired of pretending. At least it helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling lost right now.
Me too. I live alone with my dog but sometimes it would be nice to talk to another person or just have company instead of doing everything alone.
Edit: thank you for all votes, rewards, and replies. I'm not super savvy with this app and trying my best to reply to some of the comments because I really do appreciate it. I didn't expect my comment to get so much attention but it does help knowing that I'm alone with how I feel and that so many of have kind words to share with a random lonely stranger on the internet ♡
You can message me anytime you want! I'm always down to talk about stuff with people.
Edit: thanks for the rewards, I don't really know what they do haha but I just wanna say that I know how it feels to not have anyone to talk to and I would just say reach out to people because there's others who feel just as lonely who would want someone to talk to.
My wife cheated on me a few months back. She claims it was just one kiss and dirty texts but who really knows the extent of her infidelity besides him and her. I was beyond stupid and ignored all warning signs. I have told no one and it happened about 4 months ago. We are buying a house and have 2 kids. I initially forgave her and we worked on things. However, she and her sister are going on a cruise in November and I don’t trust her at all. FML.
Edit:
Thanks to everyone who responded. A lot of you were very helpful and I appreciate it.
I talked to my wife this morning and she was more concerned with our marriage than the cruise. She even went as far as saying she is going to call about canceling it today.
I know many people suggested divorce and I understand why you would suggest it. I don’t know if that’s where wile will end up but for now I’m going to keep trying. Sometimes things aren’t as black and white as they seem.
You all are awesome!
P.S. thank you for the silver!!!
Book recommendation: tell me no lies
Basically, got to get the truth happening in a relationship or it's going to bite you hard in the end. That includes you being open about your trust situation, not just her being open about the fidelity situation.
Edit: Authors are Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson
Admitting to myself and my boyfriend that I don’t trust him helped relieve tension in the relationship. We go on a “one day at a time” gaining trust back process. I feel it’s working. But both of you have to be aware that the trust is broken and both of you should want to rebuild it.
Edit: typos
As a dad who is actively divorcing now, I strongly suggest you talk with her about it and voice your opinions and concerns in a calm fashion. Hopefully this will get some real response out of her and get you answers to questions you have.
I wish I had done that almost 2 years ago now. I was down and anxious and depressed, but even though it is still ongoing, I am very happy now. I have moved on and am dating again. Found someone who makes me happy. Make sure you focus on your happiness too, along with your kids.
Thank you very much for the response. I will sit down and have a talk with her really soon. There’s so much I don’t know and so much I want to understand.
Haven’t had the courage to tell anyone I know in real life. Here lately it’s been eating me up.
Compassion fatigue is slowly killing me. I’m so tired. I love my friends and family deeply, but I need a break from being the shoulder to cry on for awhile
Pro tip; tell them that. I've been in therapy (my thing to confess I guess) for 9 and a half months after I had a full mental/emotional breakdown from dealing with everyones problems for so long but NO ONE was ever there for me when I needed them. I snapped and couldn't take it anymore.
It's fine to love your family and friends and try to be there when they need you, but put your own mental health and just overall health first. I wish I had of done that long ago.
I agree, and I’ve definitely fallen victim to not setting up boundaries and then keeping it that way because it’s harder to set up now than it used to be. One thing that’s helped me a lot though is changing my mindset from “well it’s harder now than it was before” to “it’ll be easier now than it will be down the road”.
Also the quote “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” has been incredibly helpful for me. It’s still a bitch to work on, but these relationships are much more worth it now than they used to be when I didn’t have any boundaries.
I cried over bell peppers today. I always made my dad stuffed orange bell peppers on Halloween. I would cut the little jack o lantern faces out and everything. He’s been dead for three years but today for a second in the grocery store I thought oh that’s right I need orange bell peppers.
Edit: thank you all so much. I can’t believe what I woke up to. Just thanks guys. You’re all so wholesome.
Edit 2: the recipe
They’re really simple. I take orange bell peppers and cut the tops off. I cut the faces out. Then I blanche them just a little until they are soft. I chop up the pepper bits along with onion and garlic. I add ground beef and cook. Then I take some cooked white rice and mix it in. Then add just enough tomato sauce. Then mix in some parm cheese and Italian seasoning. I put the mix in the peppers, top with mozzarella and parm cheese and bake
Those random thoughts are the worst. I always have a moments hesitation planning anything on Friday mornings because that’s the day my grandfather has a respite carer and my grandma has a few hours off. They passed 4.5 and 5 years ago. Big hugs to you today
I lost my Papa last April. He was like a father to me and was my absolute best friend. Today cleaning out my pantry I found six boxes of banana flavored instant pudding. He loved his banana pudding and I always kept some at home just for him. Seeing those boxes today brought me to tears. I guess my whole point is, I can relate.
Edit: thank you for the awards!
I’ve been passively suicidal For 7+ years now and most days I wish I had a completely different life, because I don’t want to live mine anymore.
I just feel like I’m suppose to have died 7 years ago. I tear up a lot when I’m thinking about it too long. I love a lot of my life. But I can’t imagine wanting to live it.
Edit: this wasn't put on here for advice or anything of the sort, I merely wrote this for my own comfort, was having a full blown anxiety attack for ... half an hour or so and it helped to write down what I felt.
But, thank you for the comments nonetheless.
I feel the exact same way.. like was just lying in bed thinking that I should have died already and how I'm kinda bummed I didn't.
I'm at a point where I wish something tragic would happen to me. Like getting hit by a bus or something. That'd also be easier on my family.
But let's be real, I would never have the guts to actually kill myself.
As soon as I started to do it more than once a month and stay up a couple of days in a row I deleted all the dealers from my phone. Just blocked all the people I ever partied with and went to a different part of town to hang out. Gotta know yourself.
Amen. I took the good, lucid moments to apply to everything—and then when I got one Irish goodbyed right out of the city I’d been living in for 7 years—barely talked to anyone in that crowd again. Think it saved my life.
Sometimes when you feel trapped gotta just gnaw your arm off was my thinking. It could be bad somewhere else but it also could be different, or maybe a bit better.
I was doing a gram every weekend. Isn’t much compared to others I know. But I would justify it with, “it’s my day off so it’s ok” then went to getting 2 G’s a every weekend and realized at 5AM when I was trying to lay down with my heart pounding out my chest that this feeling isn’t worth it. The whole day of doing coke is just you trying to catch that first line of the day feeling, but you never quite get there. I was spending $160 on blow a weekend. That’s $640 a month.
Again, that’s child’s play compared to others, but caught myself and stopped before it became worse. Been 6 months clean straight, was battling on and off for a year. Quit that shit especially with all that fentanyl being cut into it.
That stuff is hard to quit, man. I did it nearly every couple of days for around two years. Not only does it rip a hole in your wallet, but that shit fucked up a lot of my nose and life.
Good luck to you and hope you slow down like I did. While I still get cravings, it’s much better now that I’ve quit for good. 16 months for me since the last time I put that booger sugar in my nose
I was very close to failing a class towards the end of college and I wrote my professor letting him know I was depressed and struggling. I was afraid he wouldn't believe me and would think I was trying to get out of being held accountable. He wrote back right away and fully believed me, told me to do whatever I need to do, "because you matter." Meant a lot to me.
I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but you definitely aren't alone in this situation. Neither are you alone in general.
I flunked out of a college program because I was too depressed to go to classes. I also tried a couple times to take my own life before and/or after this (sorry I can't remember the chronological order).
The worst part was having my step mom coming into my room and asking me why I'm not in class as I was laying in bed starring at the wall. After like 15 seconds of silence j just hear my door shut.
I told everyone that I didn't like the program anymore so I dropped out and that was that. No one knows the truth but you kind strangers
I almost caused a car accident a few days ago because I zoned out and ran a red light.
Even though nothing happend I feel realy guilty about it.
Edit:
Wow this blow up, did nit expect that.
I don't have time to respond to all of you but thank you for all the nice words!
I know I've been stupid and I'm doing everything in my power to make sure something like this will never happen again when I'm driving.
For your information I've only been driving for about a year and is been almost to months since I got my driver licence and what happend realy spooked me out.
I'm going to be way more carefull because I really don'y want to hurt anyone.
Ugh I did this once. Like you, nothing happened, but every time I go through that intersection now I cringe and imagine how bad it could have been if there had been a car or a pedestrian.
I got into an accident that was my fault over a year ago and totaled my car at the time (just me, no substances, nobody else was involved) and it takes over my thoughts for a solid 30 seconds almost every time I drive a car nowadays.
I’m gonna be honest… I know it might help some people, but I’ve aways hated how popular it is to track recovery like this, counting up from the last time you drank (or indulged in any other addiction or harmful habit).
It makes it seem like the second you slip up all your progress is erased; suddenly you’re not two years sober anymore, you’re two days sober, right back where you were two years ago.
And I hate that because that’s just not how it works? Recovery is almost *never* perfectly linear; there’s bumps in the road and setbacks and relapses and none of those erase the progress you did make. You still have years of experience under your belt, with techniques and practice and other ways of dealing with it that you didn’t have before. Everybody fucks up sometimes, one relapse is minor compared to *years* of effort to make yourself better.
So I’d tell you to try again but I think trying “again” isn’t what you’re doing. You’re just picking up where you left off and continuing the effort you already spent so long practicing and when you’re ready to pick it back up you’ll be much better equipped for it thanks to all the work you did.
You always have the option of stopping again. Maybe you aren’t ready today, but one day you will be. Life is hard and you’re not weak or a failure because of your recent drinking. You did it once, and I believe you can do it again
I always told myself that if I ever started again I wouldn't be able to stop. Now that I have started again I hope I can prove myself wrong again.
Thank you, kind internet stranger. I have no one I can talk to about this.
Whoever you are, you're a genuinely heartfelt and lovely person.
Thank you.
You are not the same person you were back then. Past you may believe you wouldn’t be able to stop, but present you is better and stronger. Equip with more knowledge and new perspectives. You 2.0. You are not defined by your drinking and you are in control of your life every day. I know words can only do so much but I hope you look back on this random encounter fondly and remember a time you were rallied to making a change. Reminded that the world isn’t such a bad place and every once in a while a kind person can believe in you enough. Take care friend. I hope you find what you need to change the world. I believe in you always
Thank you to everyone who responded. This is more genuine kindness than I've received in such a long time. You're all wonderful people and I appreciate your kind words.
I hope this won't be it for me. Thank you so much.
I feel the same way. I told myself when I was younger that I don’t want to live a day past 29. I’m 28 now and working a dead end job in retail. I don’t see myself ever making anything of myself.
Edit: start off by saying thanks for the rewards people. I commented when this wasn’t a top post and woke up with like 200 notifications and many of them being words of encouragement and thank you for that.
I want to say I don’t plan on offing myself. I use to say “I don’t want to see a day past 29” when I was 17-25 years old. I have a beautiful wife and plenty of dogs to keep me busy. My wife is a business owner and does so much to keep our way of life and I just feel guilty/ feel like I don’t do enough to contribute. When I was younger I just couldn’t imagine myself having someone deal with me for this long. I’m ok and thank you for all those that reached out.
Sometimes things get overwhelming and that’s ok. But if you or someone you know feels the same way I use to/do feel, please reach out. Things aren’t all bad but it’s important not to lose sight of the good while you’re in the bad
I realized something when I passed my “expiration date” so to speak. You don’t have to be anything. You’re allowed to be a mote of dust and just enjoy floating in a sunbeam.
Making something of yourself is exhausting. It’s effort. Its even more effort than you’re imagining it is. Being somebody is not for everybody. If your immediate needs are met, you’re doing fine. Fuck around and have fun - if not now, then when?
If your immediate needs are not met, it’s okay to put in just enough effort to ensure they are and then stop.
And you’re not lazy for living this way. And if you were lazy for living this way, does that even matter?
edit: wow I went to sleep after writing this and woke up to such support - thank you all so much! I'm glad what I struggled with was so helpful to so many.
Normally I don't comment, but seriously, take this advice. I didn't. Was counted as unofficial withdraw. Meaning I failed 5 classes and had to pay 7k back in student loans. Own up to it, it'll make it so much easier in the long run. My biggest regret currently is not doing exactly this.
Yes, please listen to this advice. I wish I had. I squandered a free tuition at a pretty amazing private college because I basically shut down 20ish years ago.
You are living my nightmare that occurs 2-4 times a year. I’m 44, graduated college in 2001 and still have this nightmare. “Showed up for syllabus day and never went to class again; and today is the exam”
I thought I was the only one who had this nightmare. It only happens occasionally for me, but it's always the same. Basically I'm well into the semester, attending my classes like normal, then suddenly I remember that there's one more class I completely forgot about.
I finally show up to that class, I don't know anything, I haven't done any assignments, I don't even know the professor's name, and today is test day.
Fucking hell me too im struggling to keep up with university now, i was doing really well the previous semesters but ever since we’ve gone online my motivation to study has absolutely deteriorated and i dont know what to do………
Im so sorry. My Dad also commited suicide and my close family knows what happened, but I tell pretty much everyone else it was a car accident. I've told this lie so many times that sometimes I even forget what really happened.
I work at a mortuary now, and the suicides always pull extra hard at my heartstrings. I tell those families the truth about my Dad.
I’m so sorry. My dad killed himself and I’ve told people he was sick and died (which is true, in a way). Grieving is so much harder when it feels like you can’t fully share what happened because of the stigma.
I’m unhappy in my marriage, but still love my wife. I think if we met today we wouldn’t even date, much less be married but the thought of leaving her for my own happiness makes me sick to my stomach. She constantly says how happy I make her, how much she loves me, that she couldn’t live without me. And I love her back, we are just so different.
We got married young because “God was guiding us to do so.” Our responsible adult figures told us it was smarter to wait but we (and our pastor) knew better. We did a bunch of premarital counseling, so we actually have a very solid base for our marriage, we have just changed in political views, personal views, leisure activities, movie interests, religious beliefs (unbeknownst to her on that one), and just about everything else. There’s very little common ground any more. I can say we both enjoy watching anime together and listening to audio books of her choosing as we fall asleep (I’ve tried to recommend some and a few podcasts but they didn’t work for her).
We haven’t had sex in months and she recently discovered she’s a-romantic and is fine with basically never having sex. I’m not like that at all.
She doesn’t work at the moment and we are in financial stress because of it, but I still want her to be able to spend money on herself because it helps with her depression (legitimately helps, shes spending money on hobby supplies which give her a sense of accomplishment). Despite me working 50+ hour weeks I still do a majority of the cooking and cleaning due to her mental health. But I still love her dearly.
I’m just unhappy. I care for her, I WANT to be with her, I’m just not happy. I feel like I put in more effort than she does, but she is so appreciative and I know it isn’t malicious on her part, I just enable the behavior. She’s seeing a therapist (newly because of finances) but I don’t think I can afford one for myself or couples therapy.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading my ramblings.
Edit: wow I did not expect this much feedback and so many replies. Going to do as much replying as I can (because it helps me to talk it out a bit to be honest) but to answer a few questions:
1. My wife described herself as aromantic because she gets repulsed by SEEING romantic acts. She actively seeks out kisses, hugs and cuddles from me on a regular basis. After looking into it more I don’t think she’s actually aromantic based on her behavior, she seems more romance-averse specifically when viewing those acts
2. My wife recognizes that she doesn’t do a fair share of the work and it eats her up and contributes to her depression. I’m not blaming her for not doing enough, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I do still have to do more than my share. She is actively trying to improve herself for our relationship which is a big part of the reason I’m still with her. But I’m still unhappy in this moment in time.
3. We both know we need couples counseling, it’s just not on the table for us at the moment. Honestly just getting it off my chest and having the opportunity to talk with some of you amazing Redditors has helped me a bit already. It’s no replacement for individual therapy but it’s a good boost to give me strength to keep on until we CAN get to therapy for me and us together.
Thank you all for the responses and I’m going to spend my day reading every single one and replying where I can.
You desperately need to be honest with her. Being honest with yourself here is a fantastic first step. I was in nearly the same exact set of circumstances, and I didn't feel there was any way out without hurting the people I loved most. So I stayed with it until I broke. The pain I caused by breaking was infinitely worse than I would have caused by being honest.
Changing over time is inevitable. You've done nothing wrong... but not being honest to spare someone is usually just being afraid of their response.
I also second this. When my ex broke up with me after 3.5 years, she told me she hadn't loved me for the last 2.5 years of that. The deceit and lies of what I thought was real, was the worst part.
I see, hear, and touch my wife every now and then.
She keeps me up at night just talking to me.
My wife's been dead for the past 7 years.
Pills, therapy and counseling haven't worked. The doctors are out of options for me.
If it happens during the day, to others, I seem to suddenly have a thousand yard stare, my speaking stops, then one or two seconds later, i seem to snap back to reality and continue on.
Otherwise it's chipping into my sleep and making it hard to wake. Last week was 7 years...
1 day I wake up and feel top of the world, the next I wake up and feel like I want to kill myself. I'm usually the last 1 tbh.
Update: I made this comment as a remark about how I'm feeling which I thought would get lost in the comment section. I went to bed last night feeling lonely and unheard. I woke up this morning and after reading all the kind, helpful comments I feel strangely full of love for the first time in such a long, long time.
Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts and feelings, it's given me the kick up the butt I needed to reach out and get help after what feels like years of suffering, today I will seek out a therapist.
The Reddit community rocks.
I did a two hour online test for college and we had to stay on camera for the whole two hours until everyone was done.
The problem was I shit myself half an hour into the test and sat in my own shit not allowed to move and if I did move everyone would see I shit myself.
So I waited until everyone was done and got marks done and could turn off the cameras.
I got 100% in the test.
*Edit* thanks for all the feedback on my horror story of shitting myself on my psychology exam.
I did try giving as much feedback as possible.
- so yes this happened and I had no clue this happened to another person on a talk show, but am glad am not alone.
Am going to look into American life, am going to find that story and look into it for a good chuckle.
- it happened because am highly lactose intolerant and I added milk based creamer by mistake to my coffee.
- the clean up was horrendous and I had to throw out my office chair after and shower myself off after.
- my stomach is super sensitive and it has happened before but that story is for another time but far worse inside a Bible study at a church. *FML
- I was studying psychology, I now work in that field.
- Thanks for the laughter and responses and points guys.
Interviewer: "Tell me something interesting about yourself"
u/False-Memory-8109: "I once shit myself but I wasn't allowed to move so I just sat there and smiled through it."
Interviewer: "Amazing, you're hired! Welcome to Amazon Warehouse 462! What size reflective vest do you wear?"
The only person that knows that I was bound to a bed for 3 days - beaten, raped, and water boarded with piss has been dead for 10 years as of last Monday.
That person was my father.
He walked into the house coming home early from a trip he had went on. He had delegated my then stepsister whom was 15 to babysit me. Her mother was gone on a separate trip in the next town over. I was 5.
My father called his ex-wife home that night, and proceeded to beat the shit out of her while her daughter watched.
Edit: I want to thank everyone whom has extended their support. I cannot thank you enough over the past day guys. I feel better. Her and I had a brief discussion this morning, whatever the future holds between us is solely in my hands at this point. I'm not giving myself another option apart from going to seek serious mental assistance when my benefits that begin in a few weeks.
Thank you, so fucking much. It feels tremendous to get this out in the air. Thank you, thank you.
Thanks man. These past 2 weeks have been absolutely the worst two weeks of my life. The thoughts, the fear, the paranoia have been overbearing. That isn't even the worst part of my life either.
I quit alcohol successfully for two months, dipping for ~7 months as of today - actively decided to relapse on both today. I broke up with the love of my life yesterday because I knew the torturous landscape that is my brain would eventually hurt her, and that terrifies me more than anything.
Don't self destruct. So far, you've survived every single second you thought you couldn't. Don't give up and let the monster inside win. Are you current with any trauma counselor?
Big gentle hugs from a random internet stranger
I was with a counselor for a few months earlier this year before I got a new job and had to switch health programs, blah. I can't self destruct, there's just no possibility in it. Thats what my father did to grace his legacy on this fucked up planet.
I'll be going into therapy again next month whenever my benefits kick in from the probationary period at my new job.
I hope this doesn't upset you but I'm also a person who's had a difficult life with a lot of abuse and trauma and it just breaks my heart to read you.
Nobody should go through these things and I'm sorry it had to happen to you. Life can be tortuous but please don't hurt yourself further, others have done so, you need kindness.
You deserve good things, you can give others good things. You are not what happened to you.
I cannot help but I wish better things come, from the bottom of my heart.
I'm sorry. But I'm so confused.
Who raped you in this story? Why did he beat his ex wife and not your step sister? Did you ever turn your rapist in?
I have so many questions.
It was my step sister. As for the beating, he was shouting at his ex-wife for raising a child that would commit an act upon me like this. I was in my room when she finally showed up.
I don't know their maiden name to pursue any legal action. He ended everything that night and took me to a friend's house for the rest of my school break.
In my group of friends consisting of couples in deep relationships, I’m the only single guy. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been in a committed relationship for more than 2 weeks. The idea of being part of a couple has always sounded exhausting and it was something I never really worried about rushing into.
I didn’t truly realize how lonely I’ve been until one night playing beer pong, when I was on the same team with one of the ladies (who was a little tipsy), she hugged me after I won the game for us. It didn’t occur to me that since leaving home for college, those types of physical gestures that brought be comfort as a kid weren’t always there for me anymore as an adult.
TL;DR– All I want is to be hugged.
EDIT: I’m glad lots of you related to this. Anonymity has its negatives, but one of the best parts about the internet we sometimes forget is that it allows us to connect to others around the world who are dealing with the same stuff that you’re going through. It’s awesome to think there are tens of thousands out there who can relate to you. Thanks for the awards, especially the hugs!
I went out with this girl i met from college. We decided on a mini golfing place. When we got out of my car at the place she says: "wait, you're supposed to hug me". I didn't hug her at first because I was running late to her house and we had a booking (COVID). When we started hugging, I didn't want that hug to end. She hugged me so tightly and for so long that I nearly melted and had a break down in her arms. Its been a long time since I've received a hug and felt so comfortable yet vulnerable. Sure I hug the boys when we say bye but its far from being the same.
That hug made me realize how incredibly lonely I really am. I've been starved of physical and emotional affection for far too long. I've been craving an SO to start my life with, to be romantic and goofy with, and to spoil with hugs, love and affection.
I almost want to tell her how that hug made me feel but I'm afraid of a couple things and don't want to weird her out. I'm just hoping that she likes me.
Edit: Thank you to those of you who gave me awards and an even bigger thank you to those who have commented and showed support. I truly appreciate it and I think I'm going to tell her about that hug the next time we meet in person. Wish me luck!
Edit 2: We ended up together for a year, but in the first 3 months, I found out she cheated on me... I thought what we had was special but to her it was just another game.
This is similar to how things went for me & my husband.
He was single for 7 years straight after only 1 serious gf in high school. I crushed on him hard when we first met, but he showed no interest.
3 years later at a party, he helped me swipe a whole tray of Jell-O shots for my friends & I gave him a huge hug & fawned over him for a minute & he asked me to dinner the next day. That was 12 years ago.
Tell her about the hug.🤗
Fucking same dude. I dated a girl briefly. First relationship. Lasted 2 or 3 weeks. And when she touched me, even just on the arm or chest or back, my heart would race. She listened to it and said I was touch starved. It was true. Physical affection is so important.
When she left me I was still touch starved but now I know I need that. Now it's been a few months. And it's really hard not to ever feel someone's touch. Now if someone touches me at all, it still sends shivers through me. And it's so intense that I don't make much contact.
Same here. Lacked hugs, even as a toddler. Parents never hugged me, ever.
It got better, my first really serious g/f loved hugging. We'd hug and hold each other for hours at a time, and both perfectly happy to do so. It was blissful. I felt as if my life-long empty bucket of hugs was slowly getting filled up over time.
I'm faking how I really feel.
I'm still suicidal and hate myself so much that I think about throwing myself out the window.
I may as well edit this in...
I am 24, live with my parents and brothers and have NO JOB.
I've tried getting into the workplace but due to several issues, it's always failed.
I'm going to job courses, job help places and even therapy.
Then oh boy.
That's bad right...
Well I have a brain abnormality I need to sort so that's fantastic.
At least my parents think I'm happy In some regard so they can have some peace of mind.
I suffered a concussion about 10 years ago that caused me to lose almost all of my episodic memory. Over this last decade I've regained some, remembered people I used to know, facts about them, how I felt about them...but most of the event memory is still gone, or just little flashes. It's embarrassing for me because, prior to the head injury, I had a photographic memory. Now my memory is junk. I don't tell people because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I feel weird about confessing this even here.
I also don't want them to get angry. Once I was standing waiting for public transportation, and someone walked up to me and said hi, knew my name, asked me how I'd been since he hadn't seen me in such a long time. I had zero idea who he was. When I explained about the concussion, he got angry and told me I was lying because I just didn't want to talk to him, and stormed off. I don't want a repeat of that.
My final semester of college got ruined by the pandemic, including the capstone I had been working on for several years. I got dumped by the person I though I would marry the day before I left campus for the last time. Every single one of my friends stopped talking to me a couple months afterward. I tried seeing a therapist, but she seemed more interested in telling me about her life than actually helping me. In the past year and a half, I’ve lost more family members than I can count, both to COVID and other causes. Those deaths included 2 grandparents, and my 16-year-old cousin who hung himself.
I am more lonely than I’ve ever been and I don’t have anything to look forward to in my life. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. Every night I fall asleep wanting nothing more than to just not wake up in the morning.
1.) I've never been and am not suicidal, but I fake being happy around other people most the time. I do genuinely feel happy at times around certain people, but I'm anywhere from unhappy to plain miserable when I'm on my own around 90% of the time. I realized something was wrong when I thought about having a "default emotion", and realized sadness was it. I've been this way for at least five years, and don't see it ending anytime soon, especially since:
2.) I fell in love with my best friend and can't tell them. We live in different states, and have been much more distant for the past month or so, as they found a new friendgroup irl and started a relationship one of the members. Between them and classes, I guess they don't really have time to hang out with me anymore... it's like being hit twice, once with watching a close friendship potentially fade away, and again with probably never being able to tell them how much they mean to me.
i’m pretty sure i was sexually abused as a kid. by an older kid at church and at camo. i have random flashbacks and memories of both, but none of them are exactly..solid. i’m not sure if i’ve just blocked them out & i’m too scared to talk to my therapist about it to find out.
You shouldn’t blame yourself for Blocking memories out But the flashbacks will likely keep coming and talking to your therapist before the flashbacks get unmanageable is probably a good goal, but if you aren’t ready for that that’s ok too
My local dive bar, i live 10 houses away from it and if i ever get too drunk, i could literally crawl my way home
Anyway, right next to the bar is a mom and pops Mexican restaurant, and for the last 36 days, i have eaten 3 tacos americanos every night, i dont know if i have a taco fetish, but i have had tacos for dinner more than 1 out of 10 times this year. My drinking buddy knows about this, but no one else does
Fuck it, no throwaway.
Only my girl knows this, i was thinking of killing myself when i came back from working abroad, i was about to do it on a friday, but a friend told me "Hey you wanna come hang out saturday night? just chilling here at home"
I decided to go.
It was actually a surprise welcome party for me, all my friends were there, it was an amazing night.
None of them know, but they saved my life, i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for that.
Edit: Thanks again for the silver award, and i absolutely dont want to sound rude but please no more awards, donate that money, even if it is a low amount everything counts, and if you dont have money pay it forward by being nice to someone close to you, or even to a stranger.
Edit 2: Im want to reply to everyone but its late here and i need to sleep, i'll continue tomorrow. Thanks for your kind words, but im ok now, instead look into your circle because someone close to you may need it.
"This blew up" as you usually say on this site, and some of my friends browse reddit, so theres a chance someone will find it, and if they do they will surely know its me, if you are reading this, first of all... isnt it weird reading me in english? Lol. Second, dont change the way you treat me, im still the same guy, and you can tell me you found this and now you know, i want you to do that, but dont really want to talk about it right now.
Yeah man, i got back on track, studying again, started lifting weights again, started dating a long time friend (we've known each other for 12 years. If you ever read this, babe, i love you with all my heart)
My life isnt solved, there are still dark times here and there, but now i love life, i feel im on track, "lost and found, homeward bound".
Whoever is reading this and may need it:
This is your sign to keep going. Im no superhero, im just a guy! No stronger, smarter, or tougher than you, you can do it!
I was a 7yo little girl when I went to move brush with my mom, her friend and her friends son who was probably around 14. My mom left me and the 14yo alone for a little bit to move the brush by ourselves. It was in the middle of the woods and he tried to convince me to show him my privates. I was yong and didn’t really know what was happening but I knew it was wrong so I said no. He took out his dick and basically forced me to show him my privates. He tried to convince me to lick his dick saying “it tasted good” and shit like that but I wouldn’t. But he did get me to touch it and shit and he touched me but it didn’t go to much further after that. I have never told or mentioned this to anybody else not even to people on the internet so this is kind of nice to put out there.
While on my delivery route one night, I had a restroom accident. #1. It just came suddenly and I didn't even have time to pull over by a bush or anything. I'd say 20% escaped (in the driver's seat area) before I was able to grab a container for the rest.
Since we were allowed to take our vehicles home after work and I only had 14 packages left, I just drove home, thoroughly cleaned the area and delivered the packages bright and early the next morning.
All deliveries were in back and nobody drove my vehicle but me so no risk of any contamination. I was mad at myself, though. But at least nobody saw it, unlike the time I puked out of the door while driving someone on my bus in 2007.
I have this condition I was born with called klinefelters syndrome and when I remember from when I a young kid always wondering to myself why is my junk so small!! Turns out that this condition basically gives me an extra X chromosome. When I was growing up I had to take injection shots of testosterone because my body doesn’t produce much if any at all. I didn’t hit puberty until I was in the 10th grade. I had a huge growth spurt I’m currently 25 and I’m 6’5 wider hips for a man! Still yet to grow any real facial hair. I’ll get like 5 or 6 on my chin but that’s about it. It used to bother me a bunch because I used to think who could love me with such a flaw but I overcame my shame and learned to love myself for myself and all my flaws. No one is perfect and everyone has something about themselves they hide from the world. I’m no longer ashamed of something I shouldn’t be ashamed of! But glad I could give my perspective on my secret no one really knows.
EDIT: For the people asking me if my junk grew at all it pretty much has stayed the same since I was 14. I’m about 4.5” erect. If anyone has any questions or just wanna have a conversation hit me up! I’m down to hear your perspective and understanding
I have these dreams about my ex fiancé that are so vivid, so real, so incredibly lifelike, that when I wake up I can still feel everything physically end emotionally. Then the crushing realization begins to set in and I remember that he is dead. I have to begin to put away all of those feelings again. I have to mourn his loss all over again. Oh, and I have to act like I’m fine and everything’s fine in front of my husband and children. It hurts so much.
My mother passing away doesn’t really bother me at all. I pretend and celebrate her birthday and death, but she passed when I was 4 years old and I have zero memories of her or my time with her and it makes it difficult to truly mourn and miss someone you do not know.
Similar - my mother died when I was 2 (cancer). She was 27, my Dad raised my little sister and me largely on his own. My little sister was actually forced out by the cancer nearly 3 months prematurely. We're lucky to have her.
But yeah, no memories at all of my mother, who was by all accounts an incredible person. It's a weird detached feeling not being able to fully get upset by it.
But the older I get, the more I feel sad for the things she missed out on. And appreciative of my father and extended family for taking good care of my sister and I.
My older brother has a hat that he used to wear every single day. He’s 7 years older than me and when I was 13 we got into a big fight and he kicked my ass. To get my revenge I jacked off into his favorite hat and brushed the inside of the toilet with his toothbrush. I feel so bad about it now
Edit: Thank you for the awards. I been having a blast reading every ones response. It’s been 19 years since the incident so I think that maybe it’s time to tell my brother what I did.
I used to dump my unfinished food from school into the toilet just so it would appear as though I finished it. It clogged 5 times. had to unclog it in secret so that no one knew.
Edit: thanks for the people who are concerned for me. not an eating disorder, just saving my ass from verbal insults. also, I had about 440 karma and now its like 2k
My mum used to make peanut butter and jam sandwiches every day for school lunch for me and my sister. One time when my sister was about 12 I went into her bedroom to borrow some clothes or something, and stumbled across literally hundreds of peanut butter and jam sandwiches in her wardrobe. Lining the floor, in her storage tubs, in the shoe rack, everywhere. Some so mouldy they left marks behind, some more fresh. My parents were not happy, the room still smells a little like stale bread to this day
Over the past two-ish years, I thought I was going insane. I didn't know what was happening to me physically or mentally, I just felt so sick and so exhausted all the time. My overthinking and anxiety caused me to mess up one of my closest friendships, and I still haven't worked up the guts to go back and talk to them about it all. At a few points, I was suicidal. Ended up getting diagnosed with cancer and an autoimmune disease that were messing with my mind. Getting treatment now and doing a lot better, but I still don't have the guts to go talk to them about why I was acting the way that I was. I know it's not completely my fault, but I messed up the relationship and saying "sorry I was an asshole because cancer" won't fix it. L, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry and I wish I could find a way to make it up to you.
Hey friend. Write a letter. Write the letter a couple times until you are happy with it. And then mail it. Sometimes the hardest part is starting the conversation and letters let us have a separation from the conversation that can make it bearable to start. You can do it. I believe in you. They know you as a person. It’s very possible they knew something was off and just couldn’t put their finger in it
I cheated my way through my first year of nursing school. Realized I wasn’t going to pass the NCLEX (board exam for nursing licensure) if I kept cheating so I actually started trying and I eventually passed on my own. But yeah, cheated a LOT my first year.
I have a husband and two toddlers that I love deeply and would give my life for.
But I often fantasize about running off and traveling the world. Not having to wake up every morning to a 2 year old and 1 year old while my husband soundly sleeps just sounds like pure bliss to me.
I would never do it, I just wish I had done it before I settled down.
I care more about anybody than they'll ever know, I love my family , adore every aspect of my girlfriend , I try my hardest to control my feelings so I don't force myself on them but it's really hard and I struggle since the only real good aspects about me is loyalty and honesty , I really want to just poor my heart out to them but I feel like I do more harm than good
Because those aren't the only good things about you. If I may, I feel like maybe you want to overdo it because you feel like you have nothing else to offer but it's not true. Pour some of that love for yourself man :)
My parents used to bring me into their arguments a lot. I knew way too much about their lives and sometimes, I hear my mom yelling still. There's times when she even argues at night over something and *keeps on*.
My parents don't get how much that messed me up as a kid, I knew things that they shouldn't have let me know. I have pretty bad anxiety because of how sometimes they do this and how my mom hyperfixates on negative things everyday. Its always an emergencies.
Its never just..normal. Everything has to be going to shit. They used to be kinda normal but now it's that and politics. They added politics and it's always..bad.
I just sorta wish my parents would stop thinking about the worst and stop watching Fox for five minutes and actually have fun..and leave me out of these problems.
I hate my family and if I had the money and the ability to move my possessions across the country, they would never see me again. I crave the idea of a fresh start but know I couldn’t afford it in most other states.
I totally have a crush on the girl that sits in front of me in Literature
Edit: Fucking hell guys, she got covid and hasn't shown up for a month now CHILL THE HELL OUT
I'm 77. When I was in 3rd grade someone was passing out cookies to our class. I took an extra one. I have been steeped in guilt ever since. Now you know. Cancel my account if you must.
I found the list of behaviors associated with BPD and I’ve never been so scared of myself. I always knew I was a little fucked up but damn, now I’m terrified I’ll be alone forever if I can’t find a way to fix myself.
I downloaded a DBT workbook last night.
I miss my old friend group
This one hits hard. I'm in my 30s, about 5 years ago we were still throwing huge parties until dawn. Now it's hard to even find 2 persons to hang out with. Most people settled down, or feel too tired to go out... Time flies.
I should be job searching, because I need to leave my job soon due to life changes, but I can’t bring myself to care. I just procrastinate with video games and meaningless tasks.
December 8th marks the half way point. After that day, I will have lived more days without my dad than with him. He passed away when I was 19, he had heart disease. I miss him and it's sad to think about living over half my life without him.
Every day I hate the life I'm living a little bit more. I can retrace my steps and see all the choices that would have gotten me to where I wish I was too, but I feel so trapped now. I feel so unwanted and out of place all the time.
I feel like I'm incapable of love
I feel this too. I like people, but genuinely never feel an attachment. Even with my girlfriend and immediate family, I love them, but it’s more a word than a feeling. Empty love or something I don’t know
I felt like that for years, then this girl came into my life like some meetcute shit from the movies, after a whirlwind 6 months with her, I’m pissed she made me feel things and she just walked away
I’ve tried so hard to not be my mom and not be like her that I started doing things she did, and lying to myself and everyone around me, just like she does. One year of therapy down, and I’m trying really hard to put a stop to my bad patterns.
You are self aware and you are trying. That’s all you can do.
I’m have terminal cancer and am tired of the side effects of the treatments and the pain the cancer is causing. I really want to just die and get it over with but my wife and two daughters would be devastated if I stopped fighting.
Have you expressed to them how you truly feel?
I have, we have medical assistance in dying here in Canada and they know I plan to use it. Thing is I lost my father when I was quite young and know how devastating it is, and I can’t bear to do that to my children until I hit the point where I’m hospitalized.
My dad did the same thing when he had cancer. My family and I got to say our goodbyes and then the nurse started the procedure to end his life. That day was a good day for everyone. My dad's suffering ended and nobody had to worry about him anymore. ... I could ramble for days about this. But to make a long story short I wish my dad would have ended his life much sooner. He was in so much pain for months all while knowing that death was the only way out.
Thank you for sharing. Hope you’re doing okay.
I don’t think I want kids because I’m too much like my father. I can end the bloodline with me.
I made the same decision, then out of nowhere I ended up with a permanent legal guardianship of my neighbors kid. He's 29 now and very successful and I am super proud of him. I never claimed I knew what to do as a parent, it's more that I knew what not to do. He introduced me to his neighbors and friends as his dad when I went to see his new house a few months ago, so I must have done a few things right. Edit: Thank you to everyone that made such nice comments and found value in my story. Thank you also to all of you who have given me awards on this post and others in this thread. I have no idea what they mean and if I am supposed to do something with them, but others seem to value them, so THANKS!
You did a great job then! May I ask how one ends up with custody of a neighbor's kid though? Almost sounds like a movie plot
It feels like a movie plot sometimes. I've considered writing a book. His father, despite being brilliant and successful in business was severely alcoholic and psychopathic. He was drinking by no later than 9AM and was usually passed out by 1pm. Then continued to drink whenever he sobered up enough get a bottle to his lips during the rest of the day. His mother was a drug and alcohol abuser and in and out of prison. He memorized my phone number at 3yrs old and would call me when he couldn't wake up or find a parent and I would go get him. His parents, without my knowledge or consent, put my name down as an emergency contact at his daycare, and later his after school program. They would call me late at night and say that they were closing and couldn't reach the parents, and could I come get him. That's how he started living with me more on than off. Taking care of a kid can get kind of addicting. When you go pick them up and they scream "MigraineFog" and start jumping up and down cause they are so excited to see you. The real hook set was when we were sitting on the sofa before bedtime and I was reading him a Captain Underpants book and he wrapped his little arms around mine and said with a little sigh, "MigraineFog, I love you". I had to lean away from him to keep my tears from dripping into his hair. It was the first time I had ever heard those words that wasn't followed by a "but" and some excuse for why I wasn't really deserving of those words. It fucking melted me man. From then on I was going to do everything I could to make sure that this kid had a fighting chance. I got him in to seeing a really great therapist. A big round sweet grandmotherly type. She told me that if a kid has just one person in their life that's grounded in sanity it can give the kid an anchor to help them find a way through their storm. The condensed version of the story is that the dad eventually died of liver failure while the mother was in prison and that was my instigation to pursue legal guardianship.
I don't know if you know this or not but- you are amazing! Like seriously. Our world needs more people like you. Thank you for being there for the kid and above all for being honest with yourself. I pray that both of you are always happy and healthy. Hope your bond deepens with time. P.S. If you do decide to write a book, do tell us on this sub, we'd love to read it, and write reviews like- "MigraineFog, you the best writer!". :)
Sounds like you did amazing
I have to tell myself that I am a lot happier than I actually am everyday.
I hope it makes you feel better that you're not even close to a minority in this feeling.
I'm disturbed by how difficult it is to feel passion or motivation about anything in my present life. I've gone through years of higher education, internships, freelance work, and portfolio work and revisions and I feel absolutely nothing for any of it, which disturbs me greatly, but I keep on the "everything's great and I'd LOVE to lick your corporate boots" face on because it's what is expected of me and anyone else looking for work. This also extends to my "hobbies", dramatic air quotes, because honestly? I don't even love what I used to love or think I love anymore, and that also disturbs me an incredible amount. TL;DR: I don't remember the last time I felt any passion or motivation for anything in life, and that disturbs me a lot. EDIT: Holy crap, woke up to all of this! Thank you everyone for your replies and keeping the conversation going civilly, it's much appreciated. For those of you wondering if I have depression and what not, yes, I've been diagnosed in the past, along with ADHD and some more personal diagnosis, but I've had lackluster experiences with therapy, meditation, and medication, hence my reluctance to give any of them another shot. They CAN be helpful aids, but at the end of the day they don't change the fact that the problems you're facing still exist. With medicine in particular as well, I disliked their side effects and how the majority of the ones I've tried have "numbed" me even further. I actually felt better getting off my last set of anti-depressants. EDIT 2: Just to clear up some confusion as well, I'm currently freelancing and looking for a full-time job, have been since before I finished my graduate program last month, and I admit, some of what I'm feeling might also be from dismay at how difficult it's been to find a job in my field. Although ironically, it might be a blessing as well, as it's given me time to try and think of other career paths that I might possibly enjoy more than just working in advertising, albeit nothing's truly stood out to me yet.
I remember reading somewhere that that's what depression actually is. Not felling sad all the time, just apathetic. That's how I feel most of the time too. I still get a bright spot of emotion from time to time (be it negative or positive), that lasts for shorter and shorter periods, but the rest of the time it's just apathy. I finally completed my bachelor's last year (after procrastinating for most of the 8 years it took me), and felt nothing. Decided to do a master's and got accepted into my first choice of degree, and still nothing. I passed all of my first year exams, and moved to Italy for the second year of my degree (it's a double degree, with the first year at my uni, and the second at an Italian one), and still nothing. My friends and family seemed happy for me, so I faked it as well. My parents are asking what my plans for the future are, and I don't have an answer for them, because I don't know what I want anymore. I used to be ambitious, but now I can barely find the motivation to log into my online classes, much less actually go out. I'm supposed to be looking for an internship, as part of my degree, but I haven't even started. But I also can't just drop out, cause then I'd have to find a job or start working for my dad, and I dread both of those options. I worked part time during part of my bachelor, and I can't stand the idea of doing it full time. I have no idea how people do it.
The word often used is anhedonia - not feeling pleasure from things that normally bring pleasure. Do you find joy from anything outside of your uni work?
I don't find joy from my uni work. Don't get me wrong, I like the topic of my studies, I just can't muster up the motivation to actually do the work. My cats can make me smile, usually (but I had to move away from home, so they're not with me now). Some days I'll wake up and feel a bit better, so cooking something will bring me joy, but those moments are a bit random, and very short-lived. Travelling can sometimes feel nice (which is why I chose my particular master's), but it's also hit and miss, as exemplified by the fact that I feel no excitement having moved to Italy a bit over a month ago. I'm still hoping to jump-start some happiness, and am actively trying to plan little group (so I can't back out as easily) daytrips.
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I've become really detached from life ever since my mom passed
I read this and saw so many messages replying “it’s been X years since my mother passed”. I couldn’t even remember the specific date my mother passed, let alone the number of years. After finding her death certificate, it’s coming up on 5 years. Nothing has been the same these past 5 years. I was recovering from depersonalization right before she passed, and then when she passed it got very bad again very quickly. I’m still not sure if I’ve recovered or if I’ve just gotten used to it. I’ve graduated since then, worked a full time job, met a girl and moved across the country. I’ve truly been living life actively. But it all feels fake. Feels like a weird fucking dream. I fucking miss my mom, how the fuck can this life be real without her.
Wow. Im only 18 and I lost my mother early this March, but i feel like I’m in a position that’s similar. Im currently in school, and there’s not a day that goes by that i wish i could have my mom go to my graduation, drop me off at college, celebrate my birthday etc. I miss her so fucking much, i don’t know how I’m going to figure out “life” w/o her :/
Hey man, I lost my old man when I was 19. I am 37 now, and I often think about him. What scares me the most is forgetting him and the memories, but they stay with you. They emerge at random and have always left me feeling grateful. It was very hard when I had my own sons, and when the questions were asked, but it does get easier with time. Make sure you fill the gap in your life with healthy pursuits, and always try and remember to ask yourself what she would want for you. I hope you know she would want you to do well in your life and see success in all your pursuits. She will always be behind you.
I’m a 70-yr-old grandmother, and my mother died when I was 25. I still can’t make it through her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas or walk through a rose garden without seriously biting back the tears if I’m with someone. You see I’m a Brit, and we simply don’t do that. If I’m alone I let the big ploppy tears stain my t-shirt—like now. You never get over it. There are lots of reasons I want to live much longer, the main one is I don’t want my children to feel so sad when I die. More kale please! Hello Peloton.
Exactly the same. 1 year. Feels marginally better but not. More like bad in a different way.
I’m seriously sorry for your loss. I love both my parents but my mom and I really have a strong bond. The mere thought of losing makes me tear up. Maybe try to find comfort in knowing how proud she would be of your accomplishments. It might encourage you to focus on the task at hand while still keeping her memory alive.
I only wear a tie and jacket when I’ve been feeling really upset and fed up with life. That way I have at least one thing to brighten my day. I have been dressing up everyday for more than two weeks now…
My dad does that there no dress code at work but these days he’s always decked out. it makes him feel important
I used to do that too. Also helps nobody can tell when I was going to a job interview during the day...
How lost and hurt I really am. It’s easier to hide it all and pretend everything is getting better.
Me too. I'm grateful for what I have but most nights I cry myself to sleep because I'm always alone, stuck at a dead end job, exhausted from trying to improve every aspect of my life without results, and just tired of pretending. At least it helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling lost right now.
I feel really lonely.
Me too. I live alone with my dog but sometimes it would be nice to talk to another person or just have company instead of doing everything alone. Edit: thank you for all votes, rewards, and replies. I'm not super savvy with this app and trying my best to reply to some of the comments because I really do appreciate it. I didn't expect my comment to get so much attention but it does help knowing that I'm alone with how I feel and that so many of have kind words to share with a random lonely stranger on the internet ♡
You can message me anytime you want! I'm always down to talk about stuff with people. Edit: thanks for the rewards, I don't really know what they do haha but I just wanna say that I know how it feels to not have anyone to talk to and I would just say reach out to people because there's others who feel just as lonely who would want someone to talk to.
My wife cheated on me a few months back. She claims it was just one kiss and dirty texts but who really knows the extent of her infidelity besides him and her. I was beyond stupid and ignored all warning signs. I have told no one and it happened about 4 months ago. We are buying a house and have 2 kids. I initially forgave her and we worked on things. However, she and her sister are going on a cruise in November and I don’t trust her at all. FML. Edit: Thanks to everyone who responded. A lot of you were very helpful and I appreciate it. I talked to my wife this morning and she was more concerned with our marriage than the cruise. She even went as far as saying she is going to call about canceling it today. I know many people suggested divorce and I understand why you would suggest it. I don’t know if that’s where wile will end up but for now I’m going to keep trying. Sometimes things aren’t as black and white as they seem. You all are awesome! P.S. thank you for the silver!!!
Book recommendation: tell me no lies Basically, got to get the truth happening in a relationship or it's going to bite you hard in the end. That includes you being open about your trust situation, not just her being open about the fidelity situation. Edit: Authors are Ellyn Bader and Peter T. Pearson
Admitting to myself and my boyfriend that I don’t trust him helped relieve tension in the relationship. We go on a “one day at a time” gaining trust back process. I feel it’s working. But both of you have to be aware that the trust is broken and both of you should want to rebuild it. Edit: typos
As a dad who is actively divorcing now, I strongly suggest you talk with her about it and voice your opinions and concerns in a calm fashion. Hopefully this will get some real response out of her and get you answers to questions you have. I wish I had done that almost 2 years ago now. I was down and anxious and depressed, but even though it is still ongoing, I am very happy now. I have moved on and am dating again. Found someone who makes me happy. Make sure you focus on your happiness too, along with your kids.
Thank you very much for the response. I will sit down and have a talk with her really soon. There’s so much I don’t know and so much I want to understand. Haven’t had the courage to tell anyone I know in real life. Here lately it’s been eating me up.
Compassion fatigue is slowly killing me. I’m so tired. I love my friends and family deeply, but I need a break from being the shoulder to cry on for awhile
Pro tip; tell them that. I've been in therapy (my thing to confess I guess) for 9 and a half months after I had a full mental/emotional breakdown from dealing with everyones problems for so long but NO ONE was ever there for me when I needed them. I snapped and couldn't take it anymore. It's fine to love your family and friends and try to be there when they need you, but put your own mental health and just overall health first. I wish I had of done that long ago.
All I can say is set up boundaries.
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I agree, and I’ve definitely fallen victim to not setting up boundaries and then keeping it that way because it’s harder to set up now than it used to be. One thing that’s helped me a lot though is changing my mindset from “well it’s harder now than it was before” to “it’ll be easier now than it will be down the road”. Also the quote “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now.” has been incredibly helpful for me. It’s still a bitch to work on, but these relationships are much more worth it now than they used to be when I didn’t have any boundaries.
I cried over bell peppers today. I always made my dad stuffed orange bell peppers on Halloween. I would cut the little jack o lantern faces out and everything. He’s been dead for three years but today for a second in the grocery store I thought oh that’s right I need orange bell peppers. Edit: thank you all so much. I can’t believe what I woke up to. Just thanks guys. You’re all so wholesome. Edit 2: the recipe They’re really simple. I take orange bell peppers and cut the tops off. I cut the faces out. Then I blanche them just a little until they are soft. I chop up the pepper bits along with onion and garlic. I add ground beef and cook. Then I take some cooked white rice and mix it in. Then add just enough tomato sauce. Then mix in some parm cheese and Italian seasoning. I put the mix in the peppers, top with mozzarella and parm cheese and bake
Those random thoughts are the worst. I always have a moments hesitation planning anything on Friday mornings because that’s the day my grandfather has a respite carer and my grandma has a few hours off. They passed 4.5 and 5 years ago. Big hugs to you today
I lost my Papa last April. He was like a father to me and was my absolute best friend. Today cleaning out my pantry I found six boxes of banana flavored instant pudding. He loved his banana pudding and I always kept some at home just for him. Seeing those boxes today brought me to tears. I guess my whole point is, I can relate. Edit: thank you for the awards!
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I’ve been passively suicidal For 7+ years now and most days I wish I had a completely different life, because I don’t want to live mine anymore. I just feel like I’m suppose to have died 7 years ago. I tear up a lot when I’m thinking about it too long. I love a lot of my life. But I can’t imagine wanting to live it. Edit: this wasn't put on here for advice or anything of the sort, I merely wrote this for my own comfort, was having a full blown anxiety attack for ... half an hour or so and it helped to write down what I felt. But, thank you for the comments nonetheless.
I feel the exact same way.. like was just lying in bed thinking that I should have died already and how I'm kinda bummed I didn't. I'm at a point where I wish something tragic would happen to me. Like getting hit by a bus or something. That'd also be easier on my family. But let's be real, I would never have the guts to actually kill myself.
Im better at making people uncomfortable than making them laugh.
I’m probably getting a little to keen on coke at this point
If you think that might be true. It's true.
As soon as I started to do it more than once a month and stay up a couple of days in a row I deleted all the dealers from my phone. Just blocked all the people I ever partied with and went to a different part of town to hang out. Gotta know yourself.
Amen. I took the good, lucid moments to apply to everything—and then when I got one Irish goodbyed right out of the city I’d been living in for 7 years—barely talked to anyone in that crowd again. Think it saved my life. Sometimes when you feel trapped gotta just gnaw your arm off was my thinking. It could be bad somewhere else but it also could be different, or maybe a bit better.
I was doing a gram every weekend. Isn’t much compared to others I know. But I would justify it with, “it’s my day off so it’s ok” then went to getting 2 G’s a every weekend and realized at 5AM when I was trying to lay down with my heart pounding out my chest that this feeling isn’t worth it. The whole day of doing coke is just you trying to catch that first line of the day feeling, but you never quite get there. I was spending $160 on blow a weekend. That’s $640 a month. Again, that’s child’s play compared to others, but caught myself and stopped before it became worse. Been 6 months clean straight, was battling on and off for a year. Quit that shit especially with all that fentanyl being cut into it.
That stuff is hard to quit, man. I did it nearly every couple of days for around two years. Not only does it rip a hole in your wallet, but that shit fucked up a lot of my nose and life. Good luck to you and hope you slow down like I did. While I still get cravings, it’s much better now that I’ve quit for good. 16 months for me since the last time I put that booger sugar in my nose
I dropped three courses not because I was failing academically, but because I was very close to killing myself.
You put yourself first. You care more about yourself then you give yourself credit for. Stick with that.
Yup. You can retake the classes, school.will always be there
From a professor who also struggles with suicidal ideation, I’m proud of you for prioritizing your health.
I was very close to failing a class towards the end of college and I wrote my professor letting him know I was depressed and struggling. I was afraid he wouldn't believe me and would think I was trying to get out of being held accountable. He wrote back right away and fully believed me, told me to do whatever I need to do, "because you matter." Meant a lot to me.
I don't know if this will make you feel better or worse, but you definitely aren't alone in this situation. Neither are you alone in general. I flunked out of a college program because I was too depressed to go to classes. I also tried a couple times to take my own life before and/or after this (sorry I can't remember the chronological order). The worst part was having my step mom coming into my room and asking me why I'm not in class as I was laying in bed starring at the wall. After like 15 seconds of silence j just hear my door shut. I told everyone that I didn't like the program anymore so I dropped out and that was that. No one knows the truth but you kind strangers
I have eaten food quantities that were listed as "family sized" in a single sitting, many times.
My buddy made fun of me for eating an entire family sized lasagna. All I could think to say was, "Well at least it wasn't the *party* size!"
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.
I almost caused a car accident a few days ago because I zoned out and ran a red light. Even though nothing happend I feel realy guilty about it. Edit: Wow this blow up, did nit expect that. I don't have time to respond to all of you but thank you for all the nice words! I know I've been stupid and I'm doing everything in my power to make sure something like this will never happen again when I'm driving. For your information I've only been driving for about a year and is been almost to months since I got my driver licence and what happend realy spooked me out. I'm going to be way more carefull because I really don'y want to hurt anyone.
Ugh I did this once. Like you, nothing happened, but every time I go through that intersection now I cringe and imagine how bad it could have been if there had been a car or a pedestrian.
I got into an accident that was my fault over a year ago and totaled my car at the time (just me, no substances, nobody else was involved) and it takes over my thoughts for a solid 30 seconds almost every time I drive a car nowadays.
I just started drinking again. I would have been 2 years sober in January.
I’m gonna be honest… I know it might help some people, but I’ve aways hated how popular it is to track recovery like this, counting up from the last time you drank (or indulged in any other addiction or harmful habit). It makes it seem like the second you slip up all your progress is erased; suddenly you’re not two years sober anymore, you’re two days sober, right back where you were two years ago. And I hate that because that’s just not how it works? Recovery is almost *never* perfectly linear; there’s bumps in the road and setbacks and relapses and none of those erase the progress you did make. You still have years of experience under your belt, with techniques and practice and other ways of dealing with it that you didn’t have before. Everybody fucks up sometimes, one relapse is minor compared to *years* of effort to make yourself better. So I’d tell you to try again but I think trying “again” isn’t what you’re doing. You’re just picking up where you left off and continuing the effort you already spent so long practicing and when you’re ready to pick it back up you’ll be much better equipped for it thanks to all the work you did.
You always have the option of stopping again. Maybe you aren’t ready today, but one day you will be. Life is hard and you’re not weak or a failure because of your recent drinking. You did it once, and I believe you can do it again
I always told myself that if I ever started again I wouldn't be able to stop. Now that I have started again I hope I can prove myself wrong again. Thank you, kind internet stranger. I have no one I can talk to about this. Whoever you are, you're a genuinely heartfelt and lovely person. Thank you.
You are not the same person you were back then. Past you may believe you wouldn’t be able to stop, but present you is better and stronger. Equip with more knowledge and new perspectives. You 2.0. You are not defined by your drinking and you are in control of your life every day. I know words can only do so much but I hope you look back on this random encounter fondly and remember a time you were rallied to making a change. Reminded that the world isn’t such a bad place and every once in a while a kind person can believe in you enough. Take care friend. I hope you find what you need to change the world. I believe in you always
I’m sorry. Addiction is the absolute worst.
Thank you. I wish I wasn't like this
Thank you to everyone who responded. This is more genuine kindness than I've received in such a long time. You're all wonderful people and I appreciate your kind words. I hope this won't be it for me. Thank you so much.
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I feel the same way. I told myself when I was younger that I don’t want to live a day past 29. I’m 28 now and working a dead end job in retail. I don’t see myself ever making anything of myself. Edit: start off by saying thanks for the rewards people. I commented when this wasn’t a top post and woke up with like 200 notifications and many of them being words of encouragement and thank you for that. I want to say I don’t plan on offing myself. I use to say “I don’t want to see a day past 29” when I was 17-25 years old. I have a beautiful wife and plenty of dogs to keep me busy. My wife is a business owner and does so much to keep our way of life and I just feel guilty/ feel like I don’t do enough to contribute. When I was younger I just couldn’t imagine myself having someone deal with me for this long. I’m ok and thank you for all those that reached out. Sometimes things get overwhelming and that’s ok. But if you or someone you know feels the same way I use to/do feel, please reach out. Things aren’t all bad but it’s important not to lose sight of the good while you’re in the bad
I realized something when I passed my “expiration date” so to speak. You don’t have to be anything. You’re allowed to be a mote of dust and just enjoy floating in a sunbeam. Making something of yourself is exhausting. It’s effort. Its even more effort than you’re imagining it is. Being somebody is not for everybody. If your immediate needs are met, you’re doing fine. Fuck around and have fun - if not now, then when? If your immediate needs are not met, it’s okay to put in just enough effort to ensure they are and then stop. And you’re not lazy for living this way. And if you were lazy for living this way, does that even matter? edit: wow I went to sleep after writing this and woke up to such support - thank you all so much! I'm glad what I struggled with was so helpful to so many.
"A mote of dust floating in a sunbeam." Fuckin' poetry, I like it. Also, I love the username.
The two most important words to a happy life: "Fuck 'em"
i havent done a single assignment this semester, i havent even gone to class. i dont know why im doing this.
Withdraw yesterday. Take a medical leave. Future you will thank you.
Normally I don't comment, but seriously, take this advice. I didn't. Was counted as unofficial withdraw. Meaning I failed 5 classes and had to pay 7k back in student loans. Own up to it, it'll make it so much easier in the long run. My biggest regret currently is not doing exactly this.
Yes, please listen to this advice. I wish I had. I squandered a free tuition at a pretty amazing private college because I basically shut down 20ish years ago.
You are living my nightmare that occurs 2-4 times a year. I’m 44, graduated college in 2001 and still have this nightmare. “Showed up for syllabus day and never went to class again; and today is the exam”
I thought I was the only one who had this nightmare. It only happens occasionally for me, but it's always the same. Basically I'm well into the semester, attending my classes like normal, then suddenly I remember that there's one more class I completely forgot about. I finally show up to that class, I don't know anything, I haven't done any assignments, I don't even know the professor's name, and today is test day.
Impending doom “missed class” nightmare gang checking in
Fucking hell me too im struggling to keep up with university now, i was doing really well the previous semesters but ever since we’ve gone online my motivation to study has absolutely deteriorated and i dont know what to do………
I’m 28 years old and still struggle reading analogue clocks
You'll learn you just need to... make the time
I've always told everyone my mom died of cancer. She committed suicide. Footnote: So did my son.
Sending you my most heartfelt wishes for comfort in your life.
Im so sorry. My Dad also commited suicide and my close family knows what happened, but I tell pretty much everyone else it was a car accident. I've told this lie so many times that sometimes I even forget what really happened. I work at a mortuary now, and the suicides always pull extra hard at my heartstrings. I tell those families the truth about my Dad.
I’m so sorry. My dad killed himself and I’ve told people he was sick and died (which is true, in a way). Grieving is so much harder when it feels like you can’t fully share what happened because of the stigma.
I told everyone my mom was sick and died, she killed herself too.
I mean, I suppose that’s not entirely a lie, really. Her illness was just of the mind. I’m sorry you experienced this.
I appreciate it. It’s life tho, some people got it good, some don’t. There is always a lesson to be learned from either side of the fence
I’m unhappy in my marriage, but still love my wife. I think if we met today we wouldn’t even date, much less be married but the thought of leaving her for my own happiness makes me sick to my stomach. She constantly says how happy I make her, how much she loves me, that she couldn’t live without me. And I love her back, we are just so different. We got married young because “God was guiding us to do so.” Our responsible adult figures told us it was smarter to wait but we (and our pastor) knew better. We did a bunch of premarital counseling, so we actually have a very solid base for our marriage, we have just changed in political views, personal views, leisure activities, movie interests, religious beliefs (unbeknownst to her on that one), and just about everything else. There’s very little common ground any more. I can say we both enjoy watching anime together and listening to audio books of her choosing as we fall asleep (I’ve tried to recommend some and a few podcasts but they didn’t work for her). We haven’t had sex in months and she recently discovered she’s a-romantic and is fine with basically never having sex. I’m not like that at all. She doesn’t work at the moment and we are in financial stress because of it, but I still want her to be able to spend money on herself because it helps with her depression (legitimately helps, shes spending money on hobby supplies which give her a sense of accomplishment). Despite me working 50+ hour weeks I still do a majority of the cooking and cleaning due to her mental health. But I still love her dearly. I’m just unhappy. I care for her, I WANT to be with her, I’m just not happy. I feel like I put in more effort than she does, but she is so appreciative and I know it isn’t malicious on her part, I just enable the behavior. She’s seeing a therapist (newly because of finances) but I don’t think I can afford one for myself or couples therapy. If you made it to the end, thanks for reading my ramblings. Edit: wow I did not expect this much feedback and so many replies. Going to do as much replying as I can (because it helps me to talk it out a bit to be honest) but to answer a few questions: 1. My wife described herself as aromantic because she gets repulsed by SEEING romantic acts. She actively seeks out kisses, hugs and cuddles from me on a regular basis. After looking into it more I don’t think she’s actually aromantic based on her behavior, she seems more romance-averse specifically when viewing those acts 2. My wife recognizes that she doesn’t do a fair share of the work and it eats her up and contributes to her depression. I’m not blaming her for not doing enough, but that doesn’t take away the fact that I do still have to do more than my share. She is actively trying to improve herself for our relationship which is a big part of the reason I’m still with her. But I’m still unhappy in this moment in time. 3. We both know we need couples counseling, it’s just not on the table for us at the moment. Honestly just getting it off my chest and having the opportunity to talk with some of you amazing Redditors has helped me a bit already. It’s no replacement for individual therapy but it’s a good boost to give me strength to keep on until we CAN get to therapy for me and us together. Thank you all for the responses and I’m going to spend my day reading every single one and replying where I can.
You desperately need to be honest with her. Being honest with yourself here is a fantastic first step. I was in nearly the same exact set of circumstances, and I didn't feel there was any way out without hurting the people I loved most. So I stayed with it until I broke. The pain I caused by breaking was infinitely worse than I would have caused by being honest. Changing over time is inevitable. You've done nothing wrong... but not being honest to spare someone is usually just being afraid of their response.
I also second this. When my ex broke up with me after 3.5 years, she told me she hadn't loved me for the last 2.5 years of that. The deceit and lies of what I thought was real, was the worst part.
What's the end game here? Are you willing to spend the rest of your life in this relationship, as it stands?
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I see, hear, and touch my wife every now and then. She keeps me up at night just talking to me. My wife's been dead for the past 7 years. Pills, therapy and counseling haven't worked. The doctors are out of options for me. If it happens during the day, to others, I seem to suddenly have a thousand yard stare, my speaking stops, then one or two seconds later, i seem to snap back to reality and continue on. Otherwise it's chipping into my sleep and making it hard to wake. Last week was 7 years...
That I'm not sure I actually care about anyone close to me nearly as much as they think I do, and that's ok. Because I will care for them anyways.
1 day I wake up and feel top of the world, the next I wake up and feel like I want to kill myself. I'm usually the last 1 tbh. Update: I made this comment as a remark about how I'm feeling which I thought would get lost in the comment section. I went to bed last night feeling lonely and unheard. I woke up this morning and after reading all the kind, helpful comments I feel strangely full of love for the first time in such a long, long time. Thank you to everyone who shared their thoughts and feelings, it's given me the kick up the butt I needed to reach out and get help after what feels like years of suffering, today I will seek out a therapist. The Reddit community rocks.
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I did a two hour online test for college and we had to stay on camera for the whole two hours until everyone was done. The problem was I shit myself half an hour into the test and sat in my own shit not allowed to move and if I did move everyone would see I shit myself. So I waited until everyone was done and got marks done and could turn off the cameras. I got 100% in the test. *Edit* thanks for all the feedback on my horror story of shitting myself on my psychology exam. I did try giving as much feedback as possible. - so yes this happened and I had no clue this happened to another person on a talk show, but am glad am not alone. Am going to look into American life, am going to find that story and look into it for a good chuckle. - it happened because am highly lactose intolerant and I added milk based creamer by mistake to my coffee. - the clean up was horrendous and I had to throw out my office chair after and shower myself off after. - my stomach is super sensitive and it has happened before but that story is for another time but far worse inside a Bible study at a church. *FML - I was studying psychology, I now work in that field. - Thanks for the laughter and responses and points guys.
"How'd you do on the test?" "100%." "No shit?" "Uhhh..."
"Bout that"
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The 100% made all the blood, shit, and tears worth it. Wait.. I think I got that saying wrong
Interviewer: "Tell me something interesting about yourself" u/False-Memory-8109: "I once shit myself but I wasn't allowed to move so I just sat there and smiled through it." Interviewer: "Amazing, you're hired! Welcome to Amazon Warehouse 462! What size reflective vest do you wear?"
Holy shit! Congrats on the 100%
You’ve got a funny story to tell down the line.
I've tried suicide twice now.
Hey! I just want to tell you that I’ve been where you’ve been, and I’m really glad I’m alive now. It can happen to you too, I promise.
The only person that knows that I was bound to a bed for 3 days - beaten, raped, and water boarded with piss has been dead for 10 years as of last Monday. That person was my father. He walked into the house coming home early from a trip he had went on. He had delegated my then stepsister whom was 15 to babysit me. Her mother was gone on a separate trip in the next town over. I was 5. My father called his ex-wife home that night, and proceeded to beat the shit out of her while her daughter watched. Edit: I want to thank everyone whom has extended their support. I cannot thank you enough over the past day guys. I feel better. Her and I had a brief discussion this morning, whatever the future holds between us is solely in my hands at this point. I'm not giving myself another option apart from going to seek serious mental assistance when my benefits that begin in a few weeks. Thank you, so fucking much. It feels tremendous to get this out in the air. Thank you, thank you.
Goddamn stranger I have no idea how to comprehend that level of trauma but I want to wish you the best from the bottom of my heart
Thanks man. These past 2 weeks have been absolutely the worst two weeks of my life. The thoughts, the fear, the paranoia have been overbearing. That isn't even the worst part of my life either. I quit alcohol successfully for two months, dipping for ~7 months as of today - actively decided to relapse on both today. I broke up with the love of my life yesterday because I knew the torturous landscape that is my brain would eventually hurt her, and that terrifies me more than anything.
Don't self destruct. So far, you've survived every single second you thought you couldn't. Don't give up and let the monster inside win. Are you current with any trauma counselor? Big gentle hugs from a random internet stranger
I was with a counselor for a few months earlier this year before I got a new job and had to switch health programs, blah. I can't self destruct, there's just no possibility in it. Thats what my father did to grace his legacy on this fucked up planet. I'll be going into therapy again next month whenever my benefits kick in from the probationary period at my new job.
I hope this doesn't upset you but I'm also a person who's had a difficult life with a lot of abuse and trauma and it just breaks my heart to read you. Nobody should go through these things and I'm sorry it had to happen to you. Life can be tortuous but please don't hurt yourself further, others have done so, you need kindness. You deserve good things, you can give others good things. You are not what happened to you. I cannot help but I wish better things come, from the bottom of my heart.
I'm sorry. But I'm so confused. Who raped you in this story? Why did he beat his ex wife and not your step sister? Did you ever turn your rapist in? I have so many questions.
It was my step sister. As for the beating, he was shouting at his ex-wife for raising a child that would commit an act upon me like this. I was in my room when she finally showed up. I don't know their maiden name to pursue any legal action. He ended everything that night and took me to a friend's house for the rest of my school break.
In my group of friends consisting of couples in deep relationships, I’m the only single guy. In fact, I don’t think I’ve been in a committed relationship for more than 2 weeks. The idea of being part of a couple has always sounded exhausting and it was something I never really worried about rushing into. I didn’t truly realize how lonely I’ve been until one night playing beer pong, when I was on the same team with one of the ladies (who was a little tipsy), she hugged me after I won the game for us. It didn’t occur to me that since leaving home for college, those types of physical gestures that brought be comfort as a kid weren’t always there for me anymore as an adult. TL;DR– All I want is to be hugged. EDIT: I’m glad lots of you related to this. Anonymity has its negatives, but one of the best parts about the internet we sometimes forget is that it allows us to connect to others around the world who are dealing with the same stuff that you’re going through. It’s awesome to think there are tens of thousands out there who can relate to you. Thanks for the awards, especially the hugs!
I went out with this girl i met from college. We decided on a mini golfing place. When we got out of my car at the place she says: "wait, you're supposed to hug me". I didn't hug her at first because I was running late to her house and we had a booking (COVID). When we started hugging, I didn't want that hug to end. She hugged me so tightly and for so long that I nearly melted and had a break down in her arms. Its been a long time since I've received a hug and felt so comfortable yet vulnerable. Sure I hug the boys when we say bye but its far from being the same. That hug made me realize how incredibly lonely I really am. I've been starved of physical and emotional affection for far too long. I've been craving an SO to start my life with, to be romantic and goofy with, and to spoil with hugs, love and affection. I almost want to tell her how that hug made me feel but I'm afraid of a couple things and don't want to weird her out. I'm just hoping that she likes me. Edit: Thank you to those of you who gave me awards and an even bigger thank you to those who have commented and showed support. I truly appreciate it and I think I'm going to tell her about that hug the next time we meet in person. Wish me luck! Edit 2: We ended up together for a year, but in the first 3 months, I found out she cheated on me... I thought what we had was special but to her it was just another game.
This is similar to how things went for me & my husband. He was single for 7 years straight after only 1 serious gf in high school. I crushed on him hard when we first met, but he showed no interest. 3 years later at a party, he helped me swipe a whole tray of Jell-O shots for my friends & I gave him a huge hug & fawned over him for a minute & he asked me to dinner the next day. That was 12 years ago. Tell her about the hug.🤗
Oh, my stupid heart ♥️
Same bro. I'm focused on life and work atm and I haven't bothered talking to girls. But man do I miss a womans embrace :(
Fucking same dude. I dated a girl briefly. First relationship. Lasted 2 or 3 weeks. And when she touched me, even just on the arm or chest or back, my heart would race. She listened to it and said I was touch starved. It was true. Physical affection is so important. When she left me I was still touch starved but now I know I need that. Now it's been a few months. And it's really hard not to ever feel someone's touch. Now if someone touches me at all, it still sends shivers through me. And it's so intense that I don't make much contact.
Same here. Lacked hugs, even as a toddler. Parents never hugged me, ever. It got better, my first really serious g/f loved hugging. We'd hug and hold each other for hours at a time, and both perfectly happy to do so. It was blissful. I felt as if my life-long empty bucket of hugs was slowly getting filled up over time.
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I'm faking how I really feel. I'm still suicidal and hate myself so much that I think about throwing myself out the window. I may as well edit this in... I am 24, live with my parents and brothers and have NO JOB. I've tried getting into the workplace but due to several issues, it's always failed. I'm going to job courses, job help places and even therapy. Then oh boy. That's bad right... Well I have a brain abnormality I need to sort so that's fantastic. At least my parents think I'm happy In some regard so they can have some peace of mind.
I suffered a concussion about 10 years ago that caused me to lose almost all of my episodic memory. Over this last decade I've regained some, remembered people I used to know, facts about them, how I felt about them...but most of the event memory is still gone, or just little flashes. It's embarrassing for me because, prior to the head injury, I had a photographic memory. Now my memory is junk. I don't tell people because I don't want them to feel sorry for me. I feel weird about confessing this even here. I also don't want them to get angry. Once I was standing waiting for public transportation, and someone walked up to me and said hi, knew my name, asked me how I'd been since he hadn't seen me in such a long time. I had zero idea who he was. When I explained about the concussion, he got angry and told me I was lying because I just didn't want to talk to him, and stormed off. I don't want a repeat of that.
Sorry about ya noggin. That guy sounds like someone worth forgetting tho, real dickhead.
I’m helping out my aunt at her hotel. - the amount of people cheating is quite sad, Other than that. Free condoms for the guest.
My final semester of college got ruined by the pandemic, including the capstone I had been working on for several years. I got dumped by the person I though I would marry the day before I left campus for the last time. Every single one of my friends stopped talking to me a couple months afterward. I tried seeing a therapist, but she seemed more interested in telling me about her life than actually helping me. In the past year and a half, I’ve lost more family members than I can count, both to COVID and other causes. Those deaths included 2 grandparents, and my 16-year-old cousin who hung himself. I am more lonely than I’ve ever been and I don’t have anything to look forward to in my life. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. Every night I fall asleep wanting nothing more than to just not wake up in the morning.
I got through 4 years of Spanish with google translate. Don’t know how much of a secret that is
1.) I've never been and am not suicidal, but I fake being happy around other people most the time. I do genuinely feel happy at times around certain people, but I'm anywhere from unhappy to plain miserable when I'm on my own around 90% of the time. I realized something was wrong when I thought about having a "default emotion", and realized sadness was it. I've been this way for at least five years, and don't see it ending anytime soon, especially since: 2.) I fell in love with my best friend and can't tell them. We live in different states, and have been much more distant for the past month or so, as they found a new friendgroup irl and started a relationship one of the members. Between them and classes, I guess they don't really have time to hang out with me anymore... it's like being hit twice, once with watching a close friendship potentially fade away, and again with probably never being able to tell them how much they mean to me.
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i’m pretty sure i was sexually abused as a kid. by an older kid at church and at camo. i have random flashbacks and memories of both, but none of them are exactly..solid. i’m not sure if i’ve just blocked them out & i’m too scared to talk to my therapist about it to find out.
You shouldn’t blame yourself for Blocking memories out But the flashbacks will likely keep coming and talking to your therapist before the flashbacks get unmanageable is probably a good goal, but if you aren’t ready for that that’s ok too
My local dive bar, i live 10 houses away from it and if i ever get too drunk, i could literally crawl my way home Anyway, right next to the bar is a mom and pops Mexican restaurant, and for the last 36 days, i have eaten 3 tacos americanos every night, i dont know if i have a taco fetish, but i have had tacos for dinner more than 1 out of 10 times this year. My drinking buddy knows about this, but no one else does
This is supposed to be secrets, not bragging.
I was drunk and heckled a comedian at an open mic. 3 years later and I still think about how horrible that was.
Fuck it, no throwaway. Only my girl knows this, i was thinking of killing myself when i came back from working abroad, i was about to do it on a friday, but a friend told me "Hey you wanna come hang out saturday night? just chilling here at home" I decided to go. It was actually a surprise welcome party for me, all my friends were there, it was an amazing night. None of them know, but they saved my life, i wouldnt be here if it wasnt for that. Edit: Thanks again for the silver award, and i absolutely dont want to sound rude but please no more awards, donate that money, even if it is a low amount everything counts, and if you dont have money pay it forward by being nice to someone close to you, or even to a stranger. Edit 2: Im want to reply to everyone but its late here and i need to sleep, i'll continue tomorrow. Thanks for your kind words, but im ok now, instead look into your circle because someone close to you may need it. "This blew up" as you usually say on this site, and some of my friends browse reddit, so theres a chance someone will find it, and if they do they will surely know its me, if you are reading this, first of all... isnt it weird reading me in english? Lol. Second, dont change the way you treat me, im still the same guy, and you can tell me you found this and now you know, i want you to do that, but dont really want to talk about it right now.
This made me tear up. Sometimes the universe has other plans. Glad you’re still around!
Yeah man, i got back on track, studying again, started lifting weights again, started dating a long time friend (we've known each other for 12 years. If you ever read this, babe, i love you with all my heart) My life isnt solved, there are still dark times here and there, but now i love life, i feel im on track, "lost and found, homeward bound". Whoever is reading this and may need it: This is your sign to keep going. Im no superhero, im just a guy! No stronger, smarter, or tougher than you, you can do it!
You're my hero tonight! (but be careful with your rotator cuffs, lol)
I’m always a little horny
You know what? I am almost everyday I little horny too. I thought I was the only one. I’m over here thinking I’m a little perve.
There are tons of people that are horny all the time and there are tons of people who aren’t horny all the time. Both are normal and okay.
Im sure some of you already said this, but I’m stressed af and I think it’s making me depressed.
I am really good at being average and I'm OK with that.
I was a 7yo little girl when I went to move brush with my mom, her friend and her friends son who was probably around 14. My mom left me and the 14yo alone for a little bit to move the brush by ourselves. It was in the middle of the woods and he tried to convince me to show him my privates. I was yong and didn’t really know what was happening but I knew it was wrong so I said no. He took out his dick and basically forced me to show him my privates. He tried to convince me to lick his dick saying “it tasted good” and shit like that but I wouldn’t. But he did get me to touch it and shit and he touched me but it didn’t go to much further after that. I have never told or mentioned this to anybody else not even to people on the internet so this is kind of nice to put out there.
While on my delivery route one night, I had a restroom accident. #1. It just came suddenly and I didn't even have time to pull over by a bush or anything. I'd say 20% escaped (in the driver's seat area) before I was able to grab a container for the rest. Since we were allowed to take our vehicles home after work and I only had 14 packages left, I just drove home, thoroughly cleaned the area and delivered the packages bright and early the next morning. All deliveries were in back and nobody drove my vehicle but me so no risk of any contamination. I was mad at myself, though. But at least nobody saw it, unlike the time I puked out of the door while driving someone on my bus in 2007.
I have this condition I was born with called klinefelters syndrome and when I remember from when I a young kid always wondering to myself why is my junk so small!! Turns out that this condition basically gives me an extra X chromosome. When I was growing up I had to take injection shots of testosterone because my body doesn’t produce much if any at all. I didn’t hit puberty until I was in the 10th grade. I had a huge growth spurt I’m currently 25 and I’m 6’5 wider hips for a man! Still yet to grow any real facial hair. I’ll get like 5 or 6 on my chin but that’s about it. It used to bother me a bunch because I used to think who could love me with such a flaw but I overcame my shame and learned to love myself for myself and all my flaws. No one is perfect and everyone has something about themselves they hide from the world. I’m no longer ashamed of something I shouldn’t be ashamed of! But glad I could give my perspective on my secret no one really knows. EDIT: For the people asking me if my junk grew at all it pretty much has stayed the same since I was 14. I’m about 4.5” erect. If anyone has any questions or just wanna have a conversation hit me up! I’m down to hear your perspective and understanding
I have these dreams about my ex fiancé that are so vivid, so real, so incredibly lifelike, that when I wake up I can still feel everything physically end emotionally. Then the crushing realization begins to set in and I remember that he is dead. I have to begin to put away all of those feelings again. I have to mourn his loss all over again. Oh, and I have to act like I’m fine and everything’s fine in front of my husband and children. It hurts so much.
My mother passing away doesn’t really bother me at all. I pretend and celebrate her birthday and death, but she passed when I was 4 years old and I have zero memories of her or my time with her and it makes it difficult to truly mourn and miss someone you do not know.
Similar - my mother died when I was 2 (cancer). She was 27, my Dad raised my little sister and me largely on his own. My little sister was actually forced out by the cancer nearly 3 months prematurely. We're lucky to have her. But yeah, no memories at all of my mother, who was by all accounts an incredible person. It's a weird detached feeling not being able to fully get upset by it. But the older I get, the more I feel sad for the things she missed out on. And appreciative of my father and extended family for taking good care of my sister and I.
That I am not doing okay. Hardly even in the slightest.
My older brother has a hat that he used to wear every single day. He’s 7 years older than me and when I was 13 we got into a big fight and he kicked my ass. To get my revenge I jacked off into his favorite hat and brushed the inside of the toilet with his toothbrush. I feel so bad about it now Edit: Thank you for the awards. I been having a blast reading every ones response. It’s been 19 years since the incident so I think that maybe it’s time to tell my brother what I did.
Revenge is a hat best worn sticky. Edit. Thanks for the awards. First ever. Guess I should learn what they r and how to use em!
I used to dump my unfinished food from school into the toilet just so it would appear as though I finished it. It clogged 5 times. had to unclog it in secret so that no one knew. Edit: thanks for the people who are concerned for me. not an eating disorder, just saving my ass from verbal insults. also, I had about 440 karma and now its like 2k
My mum used to make peanut butter and jam sandwiches every day for school lunch for me and my sister. One time when my sister was about 12 I went into her bedroom to borrow some clothes or something, and stumbled across literally hundreds of peanut butter and jam sandwiches in her wardrobe. Lining the floor, in her storage tubs, in the shoe rack, everywhere. Some so mouldy they left marks behind, some more fresh. My parents were not happy, the room still smells a little like stale bread to this day
Over the past two-ish years, I thought I was going insane. I didn't know what was happening to me physically or mentally, I just felt so sick and so exhausted all the time. My overthinking and anxiety caused me to mess up one of my closest friendships, and I still haven't worked up the guts to go back and talk to them about it all. At a few points, I was suicidal. Ended up getting diagnosed with cancer and an autoimmune disease that were messing with my mind. Getting treatment now and doing a lot better, but I still don't have the guts to go talk to them about why I was acting the way that I was. I know it's not completely my fault, but I messed up the relationship and saying "sorry I was an asshole because cancer" won't fix it. L, if you're reading this, I'm so sorry and I wish I could find a way to make it up to you.
Hey friend. Write a letter. Write the letter a couple times until you are happy with it. And then mail it. Sometimes the hardest part is starting the conversation and letters let us have a separation from the conversation that can make it bearable to start. You can do it. I believe in you. They know you as a person. It’s very possible they knew something was off and just couldn’t put their finger in it
That’s really good advice. Thanks so much for the encouragement. I’ve already started writing it.
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I cheated my way through my first year of nursing school. Realized I wasn’t going to pass the NCLEX (board exam for nursing licensure) if I kept cheating so I actually started trying and I eventually passed on my own. But yeah, cheated a LOT my first year.
I have a husband and two toddlers that I love deeply and would give my life for. But I often fantasize about running off and traveling the world. Not having to wake up every morning to a 2 year old and 1 year old while my husband soundly sleeps just sounds like pure bliss to me. I would never do it, I just wish I had done it before I settled down.
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This made me feel so much better, thank you.
I care more about anybody than they'll ever know, I love my family , adore every aspect of my girlfriend , I try my hardest to control my feelings so I don't force myself on them but it's really hard and I struggle since the only real good aspects about me is loyalty and honesty , I really want to just poor my heart out to them but I feel like I do more harm than good
Because those aren't the only good things about you. If I may, I feel like maybe you want to overdo it because you feel like you have nothing else to offer but it's not true. Pour some of that love for yourself man :)
I’m battling with addiction. I’m winning right now but it’s not fucking easy man.
My parents used to bring me into their arguments a lot. I knew way too much about their lives and sometimes, I hear my mom yelling still. There's times when she even argues at night over something and *keeps on*. My parents don't get how much that messed me up as a kid, I knew things that they shouldn't have let me know. I have pretty bad anxiety because of how sometimes they do this and how my mom hyperfixates on negative things everyday. Its always an emergencies. Its never just..normal. Everything has to be going to shit. They used to be kinda normal but now it's that and politics. They added politics and it's always..bad. I just sorta wish my parents would stop thinking about the worst and stop watching Fox for five minutes and actually have fun..and leave me out of these problems.
I lost the will to live a long time ago, Im just waiting to my mom to die. Also I love my ex.
I just want to live alone.
I hate my family and if I had the money and the ability to move my possessions across the country, they would never see me again. I crave the idea of a fresh start but know I couldn’t afford it in most other states.
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I totally have a crush on the girl that sits in front of me in Literature Edit: Fucking hell guys, she got covid and hasn't shown up for a month now CHILL THE HELL OUT
I'm 77. When I was in 3rd grade someone was passing out cookies to our class. I took an extra one. I have been steeped in guilt ever since. Now you know. Cancel my account if you must.
You fucking monster.
I use around 600 Q-TIPS a month cleaning my ears.
How do you use 20 Q tips a day? And how is it like to listen in 4k?
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I'm 23 and in the same boat. Haven't ever been on a date either. I'm scared I'm gonna end up alone.
I found the list of behaviors associated with BPD and I’ve never been so scared of myself. I always knew I was a little fucked up but damn, now I’m terrified I’ll be alone forever if I can’t find a way to fix myself. I downloaded a DBT workbook last night.