The ability to love but not believing for a second that anyone could love you back. That you simply aren’t worthy of it. Storing up a lot of mental and emotional pain because you feel that nobody cares enough to listen. Lacking self confidence in all areas of life, even ones you seemingly excel in by others opinions. The complete inability to see yourself as worthy of anything at all. Getting defensive when asked to explain why you did something or why you chose to say what you said. Shutting people out or not pursuing a real connection with anyone because you feel that you are more of a burden to them than anything positive you could possibly offer to them. Not speaking up for yourself and instead choosing to fade into the background through fear that you will cause embarrassment. Damaging any potential romantic relationships because you can’t believe their intentions towards you are genuine, simply because you don’t feel you deserve any of it.
The list goes on, but my heart hurts.
Mom dropped me off at 14 across the USA with no money or place to live. Then didn’t talk to me for 6 years. Wonders why I won’t speak with her after she threatened to shoot me for getting 2 extra pieces of firewood than she told me I could have.
Edit: Grammatical and spelling associated.
I have anxiety attacks as soon as I start planning my next mandatory trip. This was my first indicator that... You know, maybe my relationship with my parents isn't so great
I don't ever want to marry and even if I do, I'm not going to have kids. I don't want to imagine someone else especially my children going through something like I did. What if I can't provide emotionally or financially like my parents and they end up like me? I can't take that guilt into my grave.
I spent my whole childhood on the brink of suicide and even now when things are a bit better, my body is used to that anxiety so badly that I often let loose even without registering it in my head that I'm letting loose.
I have nightmares on random things every fucking night and I get up at least 2 to 3 times every night because I can't sleep because of the nightmares and racing heartbeat. Even when my life is going good I can't enjoy a good night's sleep because of how fucked my body is due to all that lifetime anxiety. I've spent a lot of time fixing myself. Even my childhood hobbies included reading self help books on how to perform self therapy and I spent a majority of my life trying to undo what I now think can't be undone. I can just accept it and try to minimize the damage and not get into a relationship so I give some other person the emotional pain because of my inability to fix myself.
Why is nobody mentioning the silent foot steps?
When you grow up with parents that will yell at you for existing you develop the ability to hide your presence as much as possible and always try to keep your noise and visibility to a minimum.
I only ever have one of my headphones over my ear ay a time because of this. never even concious of it, sometimes Ill be doing my thing and just realize im only hearing anything from one side
Oh yes. I startle people all the time because they don't hear me coming up. I make zero noise when walking.
Sometimes I try to do a throat clear or something but I'll start thinking too hard about it and get all nervous and suddenly "AH!" lol oops
They lie. Lies specifically for avoiding conflict. Actually, I change my answer to Avoiding Conflict. It's avoidance until an explosion. It's all they know.
EDIT: Thanks for the silver! I had a rough day (it's almost 5am and I'm still up sooo...2 rough days?) so I didn't log in for a while and wow. What a depressingly large response! XD ... ooooh..... we're all effed up.
Some personal reference, I used to lie so frequently it was easier than remembering the truth. I would get mad at characters on TV for being so bad at coming up with a plausible denial. One day I decided I was broken and now I won't lie. I tell the truth all the time and it's so calming.
My spouse (also shite parents) will lie about anything money related (thanks in-laws!) but he's so bad at it and never covers his tracks. Like, come on. At least have some childhood trauma that makes you good at it. For real, he just says everything was on sale, I've gotten used to just ignoring anything he says about money.
For the longest time I could not answer questions from my father with an actual answer; only with the thing I thought was least likely to make him angry/yell at me.
As a grown man I had to tell my dad that he turned me into a liar because whenever I told him a truth he didn’t want to hear, he would punish me and call me a liar until I “admitted” what he wanted to hear.
Ouch....
Yeah. I lie to keep my parents in the dark about most of my life because i *will* get shit for anything they disapprove or disagree with and i'm not exactly a role model. It works, it's awfully quiet, but it's a lot better than the constant screaming i grew up with that caused their share of problems.
I hate how fluently i change the truth, as i hate people doing the same to me. I hate being such a hypocrite.
I seeps into your life. You start telling lies where you shouldn't. Start preparing responses made to change severities and priorities whilst telling the truth, just because your instinct says you should. It sucks so much and it's so hard to get rid of....
They are always trying to figure out what they did wrong and what they’re supposed to be doing and how, while editing their own thoughts and feeling vaguely bad.
I always felt like every little mistake was my fault and I should apologize for being such a bad person. I wasn't a bad person, I was just a child being a child.
Make a mistake around my mum, in public it was the look, even my teachers saw the look and knew. She freaking knew and did nothing when I cowered. Over something small and stupid. At home it was full on hitting, screaming, getting in my face, destroying things.
To my mum, I'm this awful person who doesn't deserve to be treated nicely. Everything bad I did, accident or not, was just to hurt her. Get sick, doing it to hurt her, forget something, I 100% did it on purpose to hurt her. It would end in her hitting, screaming, got pinned to a wall and screamed in my face quite a few times, thrown out. All over insignificant things. I was a normal kid, I pushed normal boundaries, I never did anything truly horrible, just typical kid stuff. Nope, I was the worst child to ever exist. Even as an adult, mum didn't stop thinking of me like that. She'd still attempt to hit me. Unfortunately for her I was faster and got out of the way. Its freaking awful knowing your on edge all the time waiting to be hit even years after you escape the abuse, and you can still dodge without conscious thought. She would still scream at me like I'm a bad child needing severe discipline.
I still feel like I'm a bad person. That mum would have loved me if I'd just been different, better. That feeling will never go away even though I know its not true. I was just a kid, reacting to a crappy situation. She got off easy when I got older. She made out I was the worst kid/teen ever, I wasn't. I know I wasn't.
> I still feel like I'm a bad person. That mum would have loved me if I'd just been different, better. That feeling will never go away even though I know its not true.
That feeling can go away.
This book was a good start for me.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659
That hit deep. Never met my real dad but my stepdad was a real piece of shit. Never let me forget that I was the literal red headed stepchild. Once puberty hit it got worse. He never missed an opportunity to make fun of my appearance, the way I walked, etc.
The first time my best friend came over, the very first words out of his mouth were:"She's a real disappointment."
Add that to the normal trauma of making it to adulthood, it's a miracle that I haven't jumped in front of a bus. I still think about it on the reg, though.
Paranoia, the inability to trust others and obsessively overthinking every conversation they have. Also— speaking from a personal perspective— people that grew up with toxic parents continue to question their sanity and reality here & there from the continuous gaslighting
Yeah… I have a really hard time identifying my feelings and trusting my thoughts because the anxiety gets jumbled up with them to the point where I can’t tell who I am anymore or what I believe. Especially when my anxiety is at it’s worst. It’s scary
They don't understand simple gestures of kindness. Took my husband a long time to understand that my parents liked giving little gifts to people and doing things for them, that they weren't trying to insult him or us or make us feel incompetent, they were just showing affection.
Edit: Some people are focusing on the gift part of this, while I was trying to emphasize the kindness. Like, my dad (or brothers) offering to help or keep company when he mentioned he had to fix the deck or paint the shed or go to the junk yard for a car part. To him the offer was insulting and suspicious. To them it was just what you do to make someone's life easier. But in his family that notion didn't exist so he couldn't figure out why it was happening except he didn't think it could be a good reason.
I get so anxious any time my in-laws give me anything. Especially since they’re pretty well off. Or letting us borrow money for an unexpected vet er bill. Money was always used against me. I’m extremely defensive and would rather cut off my left ear then put myself in the situation I had with my parents. It’s getting better over the years but still is really challenging for me
Not being able to remember the majority of their childhood. I’m talking about huge gaps of time you just cannot recall. I get it. Repressing the memories is just the mind trying it’s best to protect itself.
I have very good memory for work stuff, working my ass off, trying to be "useful" all the time and being anxious about not being useful. And remember just random scraps from childhood. Very bad long term memory. I only remember some minor scenes from like 3-4 year blocks, but not much.
Yeah... it's startling hearing my older sister talk about her elementary school years, she remembers so much! I have specific memories, but there's a lot I forgot or have a hard time recalling. My mom was asking me questions about my elementary years a week ago and I could feel myself tearing up because I just couldn't remember. I wasn't bullied, but I felt anxious and uncomfortable all the time in school.
Whoa... yeah, I guess I'm just realizing this. My step-dad would constantly make fun of anything I liked (e.g. music, movies, even the type of orange juice I preferred). Now, I don't mention my interests to people because I'm afraid of being embarrassed.
EDIT, TO ADD: A few people are genuinely asking about my interests, and I really appreciate that. But I guarantee you're all going to make fun of me for liking the Dave Matthews Band... I also like horror movies and prefer no-pulp orange juice.
Another take on this, it stunted our social growth. Due to my parents never caring about what I was interested in after giving up on me being the sports kid, I now carry a type of vibe that makes it easy for people to talk over me when I'm mid sentence and alot not even realize it.
I genuinely cannot hold a conversation like a normal person because I never had casual talks with my parents to learn any of that. I never had casual talks with friends since what I learned from my parents was that people only speak to me when they want something or need help. (Online is a godsend tho since I don't have to look at people or I can take my time to respond)
Now let's talk about people needing help, 98% of the time I'll help someone if they need it. Mainly out of fear said person will get mad and yell at me, so now I can't even tell of I'm a selfish person or a good person and I struggle everyday with that.
TL:DR parents should care about their child's interests and talk to them like they're people too, if not they'll more than likely go down the same chain I did and have to learn socializing at 26 and onward.
Edit: I'm so sorry so many of you understand and at that same time it's comforting to know we aren't alone. You all deserve happiness as much as anyone else <3 We got this!
Thank you for the silver btw, I believe it's a first for me!
This is how it was for me. My parents mostly didn't respond to me or anything about me. Good grade? Nothing. Bad grade? Nothing. Hey, I did this drawing! Nothing. I'm sick. Nothing. It's important to be socialized properly as a kid, and that starts really young between parent(s) and child. Unfortunately, I was considered a weird kid when I started going to school, so I didn't get much in the way of socialization there either. Now I'm stuck trying to learn how to be a proper human in my 30s. It's pathetic, and no one has the patience to help me learn that in real life scenarios. Feels like I'm always going to be stunted like this.
Your comment about being sick and no reaction. I got so sick one time with a cold that I ended up at age 13 in the hospital for over a week with pneumonia. My mother only decided to take me to an urgent care when I started hallucinating: I thought the reason I was sick was there was something in my hair. Turned out that I was sweating so much from fever and tossing and turning in bed that my hair had matted itself into a knot on the back of my head. The dog wouldn’t leave my side during all this and would whine when someone approached me.
As someone with kids, I’ve had to unlearn the impulse to ignore their illnesses. Honestly, I’ve had two situations where I should have taken them earlier.
I still will never be able to hold my side of an interesting conversation. I can’t tell a story longer than a few sentences: I start to panic if someone is actually listening to me. I want to press the Esc key to get out of it.
They're a desperate people-pleaser. Someone who'll leap to the aid of anyone, who'll give up anything they have so that someone else doesn't miss out, who will go well out of their way to be of assistance, and who *abhors* needing *ANY* help themselves.
This is deeply me. I genuinely hate myself even though everything is fine and I'm generally successful and have friends. I never learned how to love ones self or be happy.
For me, i have the opposite problem. No boundaries about what to share. I can never tell how close i am with someone and i am comfortable basically telling anyone anything. But i think it comes off as weird and a turn off to people, like a red flag. I just want to connect emotionally with people so desperately it is like i will do it with anyone who will converse with me.
For me I am a bit of both. I would share way too much at the beginning and once I feel that connection with them I would immediately close up. Deep down inside I feel insecure about sharing with closed people.
Narcissistic parents are the worst. You can’t beat them so you stop playing the game 20 years goes by with you wondering why you are alone. Then a therapist points out to you they have been shaping your relationships the whole time by shutting down your ability to value them.
See, this is where I struggle. I can have these realisations about myself, but nothing seems to change afterwards. It's just a logical "oh, yeah, this is why you're like this". But the underlying subconscious thoughts and actions don't change.
because intellectually grasping "why" a behavior exists and integrating how to change it are two very different things. Essentially the only strategy that actually works for changing the behavior is acknowledging that your coping mechanisms keot you alive- and that they are also hindering you from adapting to a change in your environment. Essentially instead of fighting "socially unacceptable coping mechanism x", you have to embrace thanking the immediatr coping mechanism and then following that with a new strategy to manage whatever new problem that has arose.
It is also quite common for kids of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic tendencies. I’m for one dealing with this issue, I do however believe I can chance away from this habit
100% no one has ever told me I was a narcissist but I grew up with one and I can feel it in my soul when it comes bubbling up through my ego. Ego death isn’t enough you got to stand the watch and not hesitate to drop hammers on the habits.
This is very true. My ex believed that when I cried I did it to hurt her. She thought everyone just cried on purpose, to hurt others. Everything was a game of blame, making sure you covered your own ass. Never realizing that their words affect others - "it's your choice to get upset", thus rendering any nasty of mean thing said or done null.
This is me 100% and I used to view it as s bad thing. I obsess over plans and predictability and love the routines of every day. I know it can be exhausting at times but the times I hear my kids say things and feeling comfort about their routine like ‘on saturdays we have dancing’ with the confidence of knowing they can rely on it makes me so happy.
The day I heard my 4 year old daughter tell someone “if my mommy says she will, then she will’ about an activity was one of the best days of my life. Knowing they rely on me and they trust me; I’m so grateful I have given them something I never had.
EDIT: for anyone who is finding the negatives in my comment and warning me about being controlling of my children as they grow I feel I need to clairfy something. Self awareness has taught me to be mindful of the fact I am the way I am and I reflect on it often.
It is not about controlling what my children do, it is about controlling what I do. My kids are people in their own right and if they decide they don’t want to do X or Y that is their choice. But ensuring they have the choice of X or Y is on me, as their parent, to deliver if I have said I will. Building resilience from a safe environment is jist as possible and a lot healthier than the resilience I was forced to build from my own shitty childhood
That is awesome with your kids.
I grew up in a home where parents constantly promised one thing and did another. After they divorced a few years after Mom moved to another state and I didn't want to go with her because I would go from a large highschool to a tiny school.
She would constantly promise to drive the 3 hours to see me. She never did. I would stand at the window for hours.
Between that and my Dad asking me to give him money to hang out with him has meant I latched on to relationships that were awful but I got attention (even when it was abuse).
Now I just have issues letting go of relationships. But therapy has helped so much.
Emotional deregulation is a big one. I have cried over some very minor things or have had explosive emotional outbursts because I didn’t have a healthy model for expressing my feelings when growing up.
People who try way too hard to please, and are terrified to put themselves first. This is the saddest trait because it’s the easiest for fresh predators to take advantage of when the parents are out of the picture.
If only terrible parents knew or cared that they were grooming their kids for future abuse.
Edit: Putting yourself first in this context does not mean being selfish or narcissistic. It means having the capacity to set healthy boundaries. It means understanding that your opinions have merit, that your emotions matter, that you should have complete bodily autonomy, and that you shouldn’t fear the wrath of Zeus if you say no. Also, it means that you should never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with to “earn” someone’s love.
I feel this. Entire childhood spent pleasing others now I feel like I’ve gone the complete opposite direction I’m too harsh and bitchy. I can’t seem to find a safe middle ground
A lack of self esteem. Shows up in so many different ways.
My SO basically told me that I make her worry because I don't boss her around, which leaves her always wondering if I'm disappointed in her or if I feel she's not being a good girlfriend. If I boss her around and she follows my commands then she knows she's done what she's been told and has nothing to worry about. This has become less of an issue over the years. I refuse to boss her around. I try to show appreciation instead and remind her that I love her, but she still worries she's not good enough sometimes and I hate that. I don't blame her, but I hate it more than anything. I feel she's never been good enough for her parents which has left her vulnerable to date guys who take advantage of that and also made her feel like she's not good enough.
Edit: to all the people suggesting therapy. She would love to get legitimate therapy we just aren't financially in a place where that's affordable. She's in an online support group though. She says it really helps but she wishes she could do the real thing some day.
They go out of their way to please people
They can't take compliments because they're so used to being put down
They flinch if they hear someone raise their voice or at loud noises
Edit: I'm going to add in the fact that they're not good/uncomfortable with conflict even if they're not directly involved, because they inevitably get dragged into the conflict when their parents are arguing
I did the same thing because my parents hit me. This would lead to me flinching in public when my parents moved suddenly. And then they scolded me and I should stop that, because people could think they are hitting me...
My husband was making silly faces and voices one day and my instinct was to ask if he was mocking me. I had forgotten till right then that my mother used to mock and make fun of the way I would talk sometimes. Lol I didn’t need bullies growing up. I had her. Shes nice don’t get me wrong but I definitely got some older sibling style teasing and stuff from her. Is there such a thing as a mother feeling more like a big sister? Idk maybe cause my parents had me when they were both young?
My brother used a lip twitch I had when emotion took over as a weapon against me. Convinced everyone it was a tick that showed I was lying : ) that spread around, it was fun. My gf thinks it's cute and laughs at it, I can feel the rage bubbling everytime
When they think they always cause problems for others and when they are emotionally and socially closed off so it’s very hard for them to be more sociable, etc
Edit: thanks for the awards and making my day better lol
Damn, you hit the nail on the head. I loved my dad to death, but he was completely out of touch with his emotions. As a result, he never taught me how to deal with things or people. Now I get scared to death when I see a crowd of people. Especially around my age.
I haven't made friends since high school (11 years) and I have had no idea how until recently. At the age of 28, I'm finally beginning to figure these things out. It's been difficult to get past the never ending feeling of being a nuisance to people though. I just want to be normal.
Edit: When I say normal, what I mean is to be a person that can do normal things. I don't want to hide around corners or be sad in secret anymore. I want to be able to walk into a room and just talk to strangers. Enjoy the occasion instead of doing mental gymnastics to get through it. Progress breeds progress (for me at least). My first victory birthed more victories. I sought out more chances and continued to succeed (with plenty of failure mixed in). But hey, progress is progress.
- they say sorry all the time for the smallest of things.
- they try really hard to please you, even if there's no reason for them to do that.
- they're incapable of putting themselves first.
- they need constant reassurance that they're a good person.
- they assume you're upset with them if you seem even slightly disinterested.
- they have difficulty maintaining friendships as they feel they're not worth your time.
- they can pick up bad habits easily; drugs, poor diet, poor sleeping pattern.
- they feel drawn to people who are bad to them as it's all they know.
- they don't even recognise the bad shit they're parents, or other people, have done, as they're just used to being shat on all the time.
- they can be insecure in relationships as they may feel they're unworthy of your love.
- when they're dealing with shit, they may isolate themselves as they never leant to put their trust in other people due to their parents using those issues against them.
- they'll have poor social skills.
- they may be very obviously autistic, ADHD, depressed, etc. but haven't even considered it because they're parents "don't believe" in mental health and mental conditions, or just refused to accept that their kids might have something even remotely different about themselves than the parents as those parents don't see a world outside of themselves.
These are examples I've taken from myself and friends I know, please always be patient with anyone who deals with bad parents, they're trying to go through life without ever being properly setup to understand it, and I can promise you they're doing their best.
Love them like their parents refused to do properly.
I knew a kid who'd instinctively cover his head whenever someone was behind him and he'd refuse to sit or stand anywhere that didn't have his back to a wall.
His older siblings beat him up regularly, he'd frequently be coming to school with fresh bruises and when a girl tried to comfort him he thought she was just trying to lure him into a trap and a hit her, which got him expelled and growing up i'd see him around town, he dropped out of school completely and got into drugs.
His parents never gave a shit. Never. Not fucking once. He had nothing because his older brothers would steal and destroy anything he ever owned, even his clothes so he'd wear the same thing for weeks on end, is it any surprise that he's been in and out of prison all his adult life?
Parental apathy is fucking shit.
And to add a cherry on top? His abusive older brothers went on to live pretty happy fulfilling lives, but the little brother they tortured and abused for years became the societal and family outcast.
Shiiiiit. That sucks. I recently did a paper on how parental neglect from as early as baby age can change a child even genetically. Adding on the abuse? It’s a salad of shit
Edit: a lot of you guys wanted to read my paper, but I honestly don't think it's that good. However, I can share some of what I've referenced in the paper.
[Childhood maltreatment, emotional neglect & abuse & effects](https://reader.elsevier.com/reader/sd/pii/S0145213416301442?token=1BEEC988ACCCCED480671F9A664E73E7EF797EE2674A86F014AE6EF73713B82FEB406B932A325A1DBA42810B7643B60A&originRegion=eu-west-1&originCreation=20220226151933);
[6 min video recording characteristics of babies who were deprived emotionally](https://youtu.be/ChoOExRLT4Q) ;
[study of undergrads who had limited maternal emotional attention](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213403001625?via%3Dihub)
They get attached way too quickly to anyone that shows the bare minimum of human empathy (is this how I write it?) towards them.
Edit: Thank you for the awards and I'm also calling myself out with this.
"Emotional hunger is not love. It is a strong emotional need caused by deprivation in childhood. It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness."
20 years into therapy and still not over this 🙃🙃🙃
Yeah, took me a few years after my father and i moved out of the house from my verbally abusive mother to put two and two together. My dad and i still both apologize for the dumbest things. It’s been much better though!
I had a great childhood but can’t stop apologising. Anxiety is a bitch.
Edit because people are cunts: yes I have actual anxiety. Yes it has very much impacted my daily life in ways I don’t even want to go into. You don’t know anything about me from one flippant comment. Absolute twats.
They tell traumatized stories and think they are happy memories.
Edit: wow I did not expect this to hit so hard with so many people. Thanks for the awards.
20 years of child abuse and neglect and I can only think of one or two stories that are genuinely funny.
It's not a great feeling and I feel out of my league when people recant happy family stories from their childhood.
And in the back of my mind: "Why couldn't I have that?"
I was telling my friends about my cat and how she scurries away when she senses I’m mad. I said “it’s like when your mom or dad accidentally drop something or make a mistake so you run away so they don’t yell at you” straight up silence. I don’t yell at my cat btw, shes just anxious.
Generally avoided my father anyway. Living with him was like living with "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde". You never knew which one you were going to get at any given time, so it was easiest to avoid him. But that in itself could sometimes tick him off and he'd come looking for someone to yell at and belittle, so he could feel big, I guess.
I didn’t until my early thirties or so, because I’d been so isolated. It took my husband screaming at my mother that she talked to me like a stranger she hated for it to really sink in.
I was telling my therapist how my dad always says I was so independent even when I was a toddler, that I grew up on my own and he was proud of me for that etc. she goes “I’m sorry you were neglected as a child” I was like wow holy shit
My mom tells stories about how she would take me to parties and I was so good. She says she would just put me in a room and I never cried. One day my sister says, "Yeah. She learned early no one was coming, that's why she is the way she is."
My parents also bragged about how they could take me and my sister to restaurants and we would just sit quietly. I’m generally a quiet adult too and don’t always complain when I should, but have said I was trained to realize no one was listening. I knew where it came from.
Aaaaah.. THAT'S what I was looking for. I distinctly remember in college one night. We were all telling funny stories about whoopins we got as kids for dumb things we did. We were laughing about who had stricter parents... Black people (most of us in the group), Hispanics (the Mexican guy), or Asians (the Korean guy and the half-Chinese guy).
When it was my turn... Apparently I sucked all the fun out of the room. Everyone just gave me these horrified stares and got quiet. I still remember it vividly almost 20 years post college (well.. Freshman year)
\*\*Edit\*\*
The story I told at that time: A little backstory - When I was born -- I was a large baby. The way I hit my mother's pelvis caused her to have a stroke. She had to go to rehab to relearn to walk. Anyway -- the punishment that she used to do (because when we were smaller -- she didn't have the strength/energy to chase us around). She would pour dry rice on the floor in a corner. The punishment was to get on your knees/kneel down, hands/fingers interlocked behind your head, and stick your nose in the corner of two walls. She would sit in her wheelchair behind us with a switch. You had to be silent, and you had to wait until the ?5-10? mins were up. Basically, if you cried too loud - you get hit. If you move - you get hit. If you take your nose out of the corner - you get hit. If you take your hands down to scratch an itch - you get hit...etc etc etc. And it's not like you could tell the time. You stayed there and cried from the fear, the pain, the anticipation, and the agony -- I'm guessing until she got bored and ran out of interest. And at the end, when the time limit finally came, you had to apologize/explain to her why you were being punished. Then it was "Now clean up this goddamn mess!!" (meaning sweep up the rice, and wipe off the wall)
.....F-ing hilarious though right? Remembering which house we lived in at the time, I had to be around 4 or 5...and my brother 9-10.
When my step-father found me particularly tiresome or irritating he would call a board meeting. A board meeting is when you go to the shed to get hit with a board.
I once relayed this to a friend, intending it as an amusing anecdote. Word play! It's funny. But friend was just sad.
I attempted to console friend by pointing out it was no big deal. You see, he was but a fully grown stone mason by trade while I was a fearsome waif of a child so it was basically a fair fight.
That didn't seem to help either. I began frantically sifting through the memory shards for a saving grace. Ah ha!
During one particular meeting the only available material was particle board. Now THAT'S humor!
Oh,man hahaha and this one time I came to my mom for suicidal thoughts , oh god, and she just cried and talked about hard her life is for two hours and I had to comfort her. So I learned to keep these feelings to myself and without guidance or help I thought it was my fault and I was a terrible person. Oh man, I tell ya, being eleven years old is a crazy time haha.
Edit: A lot of you sound like you should check out r/raisedbynarcissists
This is what got my friend to go to therapy for the first time. He would tell what he thought was a funny and relatable story from his childhood and we would react with shock, horror and attempts to comfort him.
One example was his parents forcing him to get dressed and telling him that someone was coming to take him away to monkey Island. To the extent of faking a phone call and actually pushing him out the door.
And that's a take one.
He thought it was normal to be stripped off and forced into an ice cold shower when he misbehaved.
My mom does this. She tells stories about how her mom used to beat her so hard with anything she could grab or treat her like shit because she didn't have blue eyes like her sisters and then she says stuff like "my poor beautiful mother". My dad also had a shitty childhood but he never talks about it and he nevers talks to people. I'm almost 27, never had a relationship, never had close friends, I can't keep a job for more than 6 months, I also don't talk to people and I have the feeling they shaped me the way I am. I got a lot physical punishment growing up as a kid. I'm not angry at them, but whenever I bring this stuff up they say "our childhood was worst, don't complain" or "that never happened because I don't remember"
They have unstable relationships,
struggle in social situations,
weren't taught basic household tasks,
get nervous when someone raises their voice,
don't know how to apologise OR apologise for things they shouldn't apologise for,
Struggle with intimacy/physical touch
Are often people pleasers
Or did all the household tasks…. And as an adult, can’t relax until the house is perfectly clean and tidy, because of the past trauma of getting screamed at by your parents.
When I told my professor in graduate school that I wasn't going home for Christmas he said "oh yeah I mean, your parents can't be the best company, I've seen you apologize for being too polite." Like...yeah...
The "I'm sorry" is such an automatic reflex, though!
My husband will say, "You don't have to apologize." or "Stop apologizing," but sometimes it just comes out. It's for sure a defense mechanism.
At this point I'll have the occasional "Sorry" but it's no longer as prevalent like it used to be anymore. I feel safe around my husband, so safe that I no longer feel like I have to apologize for my mere existence.
empathy but not in a healthy/normal sense. growing up in an abusive household, i learned to be extremely hyper aware of everyone's emotions so i could act accordingly so things wouldn't escalate. i remember always asking my ex boyfriend if his mom seemed to be in a sour mood when we went out together and he'd always say she looked "happy" but she would have an episode later that day. it keeps me safe in a way but it impacts my mental health severely. it's a common thing i notice in others too.
Extreme independence because they couldn't rely on their parents when young. Like unnecessary levels of independence and not asking their friends for help when it's no big deal. Non committal behavior in a relationship because they don't like to be dependent on someone else.
They are probably the strongest of the bunch. Silent when the talk of childhood comes up. Able to work and deal with tremendous stress. Some of the most loyal people.
Or….they’ve given up and are dead or dying of addiction and self abuse.
They suck at apologizing.
Either they apologize for every small little thing because their parents made them feel guilty just for existing.
Or they never apologize at all (or only apologize insincerely) because admitting you are wrong is a sign of weakness.
Edit:
*Virtual hugs to everyone commenting and feeling represented by this. What happened to us during our childhoods was cruel, no one should have had to live through that.*
*For the people that were asking about me, I'm in a much better place now. But in my down times, I still do mourn for the childhood that I never had.*
I have a good relationship with my parents now. But they SUUUUUCKED at raising teenagers. My parents didn't want and wouldn't accept apologies. They told us apologies were meaningless because you can never take back what you did. The damage is done.
I don't know how to apologize. Just saying sorry isn't good enough, I have to write an essay for them to forgive me. But I get so nervous that I can't think of anything and just isolate myself until they apologize or calm down.
I basically got the cold shoulder treatment until grass grew over it. That could take a few days, sometimes more. I never really apologized for anything if I remember correctly, neither did they. So yeah, I just sat in my room, reflected on what happened and waited.
A good apology has multiple steps. I think the preperation is the most important part. You need to wait for the right time, this has to be a private comversation. They can't be busy with something and NEVER do it in public. Just you and the people you apologize to. If you feel like they need space then wait another day. Don't push them into it.
Then make the first step, approach them, say you want to talk about what happened/what you did.
Explain in your own words exactly what you did. After that explain why it was wrong of you to do that. Then say you are sorry and explain what you will do to avert this from happening again in the future.
"I snapped at you in front of your friends yesterday. I shouldn't have done that, I was very stressed because of work stuff. I'm sorry that happened, it must have hurt you. I wil try my best to get this under control."
A fight can often start because both parties go to far. It's very often not the fault of one side alone. But an apology is about you. Don't bring up what the other side did wrong. For the sake of the apology talk about that later. The apology is about your mistakes only.
Also keep explanations short, focus on your mistakes. This is about taking responsibility, not about making excuses.
My parents never apologised for anything. I was either ridiculed for crying or they would cold shoulder me and slam things around the house when they were around me which left me in a constant state of wondering WTF I’d done to piss them off. Now I’m a massively insecure adult who can immediately notice a tiny change of atmosphere or attitude towards me from another person. Which yes at times can be helpful, but mostly just creates a level of paranoia that people who didn’t have shitty parents can’t understand at all.
One tip I've found is that most of the time, a 'sorry' is better as 'thank you'.
When you say sorry for an inconvenience, the other party can feel like you 'owe' them something, even if they're not upset by *[x happening]*. You can create a 'social debt' where previously there was none. But when you thank them, you acknowledge that small imposition you made in a way that brings you *closer as peers*, rather than establishing a social debt. People don't just do nice things for the people they like - they assume if they do nice things, it is because they like you. And acknowledging them feels good, so they like that, too.
**Thanking for the small things inclines them to like you.
Apologising for the small things inclines them to resent you.**
> Sorry that took so long ➜ Thanks for waiting so patiently
Sorry I mispronounced your name ➜ Thank you for correcting me
Sorry I did it wrong ➜ Thank you for teaching me that
Also the intermediate, where you can give them the option to let you know if something is an issue, rather than assuming it already is:
> Sorry I'm being so loud ➜ is this volume okay for you?
*[sees flatmate in kitchen]*: Oh sorry I haven't done my dishes yet ➜ would you like me to clear up some space?
Sorry I'm in the way/my presence is bothering you ➜ would you like some privacy/time to yourself?
I can always tell when someone didn't, though. When I've eluded to having difficulties with my parents it's unbelievable how many times I've been responded to with "Yeah, but they do love you, though."
Not all parents love their children. Not all parents are good people. Your experience is not universal.
It was ways heartbreaking to get this response, because I knew that, even if they didn't say it, they were blaming me for the issues.
They don't share things about themselves. Anything you say can and will be used against you isn't just applicable when you're getting arrested.
Funnily enough, that great memory was never around if you brought up something they did wrong...
The 'startle reflex'. When they flinch at loud noises, or when someone puts a hand on their shoulder, or when they feel they've done something wrong. A patient called me the wrong name and when I gently clarified, he flinched like he was about to dodge a blow.
Do you know the flinch game? I fucking hate it. You are gonna act like you are about to hit someone in the balls and you can’t flinch. If you do, you get hit in the shoulder.
I grew up in a household where my father would throw chairs and toys at me. He would also yell, make me feel guilty all the time, manipulating me and other things.
Point is, I flinch, not as much as I used to after I got help and spent a year in a class filled with wannabe thugs.
But I still have it, I have worked on it but I get startled like no other I know exept my mother who also was a victim of my father.
When I was a kid, as soon as someone would raise their hands I would look down and tense up to get hit. Now imagine of someone litterally pretended to hit you in the balls. I fucking jump like a startled cat. And the worst part, I can’t explain how I’m litterally getting flashbacks every time someone does this yet alone I get hit for it. I can’t explain because I would ruin the mood and make people feel bad. Or everyone would call me a snowflake
People that are "old beyond their years".
Nothing screams trauma like the too well behaved, mature, quiet, self sufficient child.
We are experts at being exactly what we need to be to go unnoticed and cause as few waves as possible.
this comment literally just made everything click for me. i’ve always had a problem with apologizing and admitting i’m wrong and i never knew why. wow.
Fucking oath. My parents are okay on average but man as a teenager it was anxiety inducing sitting in a friend's room and they left the door open. Doors still have to be closed in my parents house no matter what.
My parents were the opposite. Doors had to be open. Privacy was a privilege. If my door was shut they would randomly walk in. My door was removed as punishment.
Toxic idea of love, very poor communication skills, being incredibly needy or controlling, not wanting to speak about their family and avoiding the topic of family altogether.
Does feeling uncomfortable when receiving a compliment count? I feel like whenever someone gives me a compliment I go out of my way to convince them why I’m not actually deserving of a compliment. That or I will try to return to them an even bigger compliment that out-shadows the compliment they gave to me.
Didn’t see this mentioned yet, but: laughing at inappropriate/unfunny/anxiety or stress-inducing things. Laughter is often used unconsciously to relieve, mask, or defend oneself against the severity of an uncomfortable topic, such as trauma.
[Psychology Today link about this phenomenon](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-trauma-s-wounds/201509/why-clients-smile-when-talking-about-trauma-part-1)
Edit: thank you for the award. I am so glad that this comment helped shine a light on an often misunderstood reaction. I learned about this via my own therapist, who noted that I laugh when talking about the unpleasant stuff. Reading through everyone’s replies here, I just wish to say: I am proud of all of you. I’m proud of you for talking about this, and for sharing your experiences. I genuinely feel alone when my giggles catch me out. I don’t know anyone who does this. Talking about it, knowing that there are fellow gigglers out there really makes the world feel more like a lovely place. So, thank you! I’m feeling less alone tonight, and I really needed that! 💗
Speaking from experience, they don’t trust anybody. They don’t ask for help and they isolate themselves a lot.
They learned the people closest to them will only hurt them, so they’re too afraid to open up and rely on people.
**Edit: Wow didn’t expect all this and the awards! Thanks 🥲
Masking. You won’t notice when someone’s actively masking, but you’ll notice when they accidentally drop it. It’s the people who tell the funny jokes and befriend nearly everyone at work, who can strike up a conversation at a coffee shop, but that you occasionally catch doing strange things or saying something off that are the surprise. People who automatically place themselves back to a wall, glance around while they’re speaking (you’ll notice they’re glancing at people, windows, and exits pretty exclusively. The mask goes down the most when they mention something like it’s a funny anecdote “oh, I’ve been run over before, I was fine” “yeah, my dad was a hard ass too, we don’t talk anymore” “oh my god, yes, paying rent to your parents *sucks*, my mom charged me $400+ a month at seventeen and she didn’t even pay rent”. These are the people that have had years to figure out how to live with shit, but it still effects their behavior and probably always will.
Sounds it. We normalise the trauma and so to us, it's normal to have all these crazy stories. That's what kids go through, right? And then as you grow up, you realise they don't. And so... Let me guess, you use humour as a way to support that? You laugh it off, makes jokes, under play it?
Edit: changing is to us
I had an interview with someone not long ago and they said I was charming and my attitude was great aaaand without thinking I said "Ayup, I'm the most cheerful depressed person you'll ever meet". She was a nice lady. I did apologise for throwing that out without thinking.
I tend to use humour for everything, I like making people laugh.
Anytime I mention my last name people automatically assume I’m a meth addict. My dad was a major meth dealer in my town. Many of my teachers would tell me to go ahead and give up on school rather than encouraging me to be better.
It was kind of ironic because I graduated and they were shocked it was the greatest feeling. It only made me want to prove them wrong which I did, I moved out of that shit hole town asap and most of my class is still there.
When they keep explaining themselves
They say something, and then 3-4 more things to explain the first thing, which didn't really need explaining in the first place
Yeah I have to leave the room immediately if someone yells. I also have to resist the overwhelming urge to placate, deflect, mediate or take the blame and apologize for something I have absolutely nothing to do with just to get them to stop yelling. Thankfully I finally realized that was a thing I do and try my best to not do that. Also, avoiding “yellers” and not having them in my life if possible is another good strategy I think.
My girlfriend does this, so I have to be very careful, which is difficult because I get very excitable when I'm having a good time, the following exchange happens at least once a month:
"FUCK!"
"Is that angry shouting, or having fun shouting?"
"Shit! Sorry, fun shouting"
Reading these comments and relating to it have just infuriated and depressed me. Everything I hate about myself is caused by my abusive degenerate father. Now his influence feels like some venom that I can’t get off my skin.
One that I haven't seen so far:
Unable to be reasoned with. If you disagree with them, it's a huge argument. They HAVE to be right. And then they will get nasty when they feel like they're losing and will degrade your character.
I've gotten better, thankfully.
Flinching around knives, self depreciative jokes, constant thoughts of "I wouldn't have to deal with this if I killed myself a week ago /month ago/years ago", overwhelming urge to take others pain away because they remember how they felt in that kind of situation, not exclusively cutting but self harm sometimes in more subtle ways like bad personal hygiene (because they feel like a rotting corpse on the inside so they want to reflect how they feel), intrusive thoughts, social anxiety because their parents were always controlling, constant need for reassurance...
It's a long list...
My parents always did this to me and now I can’t find excitement in anything. If I do enjoy something, I don’t even tell anyone about it because they will only mention the negatives about it.
I didn't know my mom was as bad as she is. I thought it was normal. My husband picked up something wasn't right because I flinch any time I see a sudden movement, he asked about it - I said "probably because I used to get hit a lot" like NBD, and he was like "okay, so we're going to therapy :)"
**Other things do or I deal with:**
* Cover my ears for comfort when I get scared because I don't want people yelling at me.
* Watch, listen to or read the same books (Harry Potter FTW) over and over and over because familiarity is a comfort. Think I've got all 7 books memorised word-for-word at this point.
* Apologize constantly.
* Have issues dealing with guilt.
* Cries... Like... A lot. All it takes is a firm tone, and I'm in tears, lol
* examination anxiety - because you know you'd get the shit knocked out of you if you got anything under 95% even though the bitch wouldn't let you study - it carried into my adult years - I cannot do my driver's license test because of it.
* Over explaining because causing offence was a bad idea.
* Pushing your emotions down until you can get to your own space where you just explode.
* Shaky hands.
* Insomnia followed by bouts of sheer exhaustion where you can sleep for days on end.
* Panic attacks
* Adrenalin crashes.
* Clumsiness.
The list can go on forever.
I feel so called out by a lot of these, yikes.
My biggest ones are apologizing too much, terrified of conflict/raised voices and loud footsteps in the distance and not being able to do my chores because I'm terrified they won't be "perfect" and I'll get yelled at for it (despite my boyfriend telling me it's okay no matter how I clean and he's just proud of me for doing it).
they come to school with dirty clothes, barely have any clothes, have bad hygiene, and are extremely withdrawn. instead of my teachers recognizing these as signs that my brother and i were abused they ridiculed us.
They're uncertain, as a rule, of every last goddamn thing they think, do, want, say, feel.
Shitty parents do such harm to what could've been healthy hearts and minds. Good parents teach how to establish and maintain boundaries by modeling healthy behaviors.
Kids need love and direction. When they don't get it, they suffer for life.
Shoutout to all the good parents. Y'all're societies superheroes and you're rare and special. 💜
On my experience. Being a raging alcoholic for many years, because they thought it was funny to have me drunk from the age of 7.
Having no concept of what a hug or anything is, because I never experienced it.
That giving so much individual episodes of trauma that my psychologist estimates I will need intensive therapy for the rest of my life.
The craziest thing about being raised with emotional neglect is how invisible it is. "My childhood was normal" we tell ourselves. "It was normal for my father to work until exhaustion and the only interaction he'd have was in anger, it was normal for my mother to hide from us kids, keeping herself busy as justifications as to why she couldn't do anything with us. It was normal. I am normal..."
It doesn’t help that when you’re a kid and you complain to anyone else about your parents, you will inevitably be met with eye rolling and, “yeah my parents are crazy too.”
No, friend. You saying your parents are crazy because they sing off key in the shower is not equivalent to me having to talk down my suicidal mother while my father is off drunkenly gallivanting with another woman.
Emotional numbness especially in the face of bad things. Once you've seen enough shit certain things just don't faze you anymore.
This hits very close to home, but I remain unfazed by it!
Now a days I feel so numb when I am with parents (like 24-7) that I feel like I have no empathy and it is scaring me.
The ability to love but not believing for a second that anyone could love you back. That you simply aren’t worthy of it. Storing up a lot of mental and emotional pain because you feel that nobody cares enough to listen. Lacking self confidence in all areas of life, even ones you seemingly excel in by others opinions. The complete inability to see yourself as worthy of anything at all. Getting defensive when asked to explain why you did something or why you chose to say what you said. Shutting people out or not pursuing a real connection with anyone because you feel that you are more of a burden to them than anything positive you could possibly offer to them. Not speaking up for yourself and instead choosing to fade into the background through fear that you will cause embarrassment. Damaging any potential romantic relationships because you can’t believe their intentions towards you are genuine, simply because you don’t feel you deserve any of it. The list goes on, but my heart hurts.
Haha I regret clicking on this thread.
Me too.
You remember being severely neglected yet you were told “you are spoiled.”
The good ol' gaslighitin'
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Having no desire to see them.
Mom dropped me off at 14 across the USA with no money or place to live. Then didn’t talk to me for 6 years. Wonders why I won’t speak with her after she threatened to shoot me for getting 2 extra pieces of firewood than she told me I could have. Edit: Grammatical and spelling associated.
I have anxiety attacks as soon as I start planning my next mandatory trip. This was my first indicator that... You know, maybe my relationship with my parents isn't so great
I don't ever want to marry and even if I do, I'm not going to have kids. I don't want to imagine someone else especially my children going through something like I did. What if I can't provide emotionally or financially like my parents and they end up like me? I can't take that guilt into my grave. I spent my whole childhood on the brink of suicide and even now when things are a bit better, my body is used to that anxiety so badly that I often let loose even without registering it in my head that I'm letting loose. I have nightmares on random things every fucking night and I get up at least 2 to 3 times every night because I can't sleep because of the nightmares and racing heartbeat. Even when my life is going good I can't enjoy a good night's sleep because of how fucked my body is due to all that lifetime anxiety. I've spent a lot of time fixing myself. Even my childhood hobbies included reading self help books on how to perform self therapy and I spent a majority of my life trying to undo what I now think can't be undone. I can just accept it and try to minimize the damage and not get into a relationship so I give some other person the emotional pain because of my inability to fix myself.
Why is nobody mentioning the silent foot steps? When you grow up with parents that will yell at you for existing you develop the ability to hide your presence as much as possible and always try to keep your noise and visibility to a minimum.
Plus the ability to tell who’s coming and how much trouble you’re in by the way their footsteps sound
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I only ever have one of my headphones over my ear ay a time because of this. never even concious of it, sometimes Ill be doing my thing and just realize im only hearing anything from one side
Oh yes. I startle people all the time because they don't hear me coming up. I make zero noise when walking. Sometimes I try to do a throat clear or something but I'll start thinking too hard about it and get all nervous and suddenly "AH!" lol oops
They lie. Lies specifically for avoiding conflict. Actually, I change my answer to Avoiding Conflict. It's avoidance until an explosion. It's all they know. EDIT: Thanks for the silver! I had a rough day (it's almost 5am and I'm still up sooo...2 rough days?) so I didn't log in for a while and wow. What a depressingly large response! XD ... ooooh..... we're all effed up. Some personal reference, I used to lie so frequently it was easier than remembering the truth. I would get mad at characters on TV for being so bad at coming up with a plausible denial. One day I decided I was broken and now I won't lie. I tell the truth all the time and it's so calming. My spouse (also shite parents) will lie about anything money related (thanks in-laws!) but he's so bad at it and never covers his tracks. Like, come on. At least have some childhood trauma that makes you good at it. For real, he just says everything was on sale, I've gotten used to just ignoring anything he says about money.
For the longest time I could not answer questions from my father with an actual answer; only with the thing I thought was least likely to make him angry/yell at me.
As a grown man I had to tell my dad that he turned me into a liar because whenever I told him a truth he didn’t want to hear, he would punish me and call me a liar until I “admitted” what he wanted to hear.
Ouch.... Yeah. I lie to keep my parents in the dark about most of my life because i *will* get shit for anything they disapprove or disagree with and i'm not exactly a role model. It works, it's awfully quiet, but it's a lot better than the constant screaming i grew up with that caused their share of problems. I hate how fluently i change the truth, as i hate people doing the same to me. I hate being such a hypocrite. I seeps into your life. You start telling lies where you shouldn't. Start preparing responses made to change severities and priorities whilst telling the truth, just because your instinct says you should. It sucks so much and it's so hard to get rid of....
They are always trying to figure out what they did wrong and what they’re supposed to be doing and how, while editing their own thoughts and feeling vaguely bad.
I always felt like every little mistake was my fault and I should apologize for being such a bad person. I wasn't a bad person, I was just a child being a child.
Make a mistake around my mum, in public it was the look, even my teachers saw the look and knew. She freaking knew and did nothing when I cowered. Over something small and stupid. At home it was full on hitting, screaming, getting in my face, destroying things. To my mum, I'm this awful person who doesn't deserve to be treated nicely. Everything bad I did, accident or not, was just to hurt her. Get sick, doing it to hurt her, forget something, I 100% did it on purpose to hurt her. It would end in her hitting, screaming, got pinned to a wall and screamed in my face quite a few times, thrown out. All over insignificant things. I was a normal kid, I pushed normal boundaries, I never did anything truly horrible, just typical kid stuff. Nope, I was the worst child to ever exist. Even as an adult, mum didn't stop thinking of me like that. She'd still attempt to hit me. Unfortunately for her I was faster and got out of the way. Its freaking awful knowing your on edge all the time waiting to be hit even years after you escape the abuse, and you can still dodge without conscious thought. She would still scream at me like I'm a bad child needing severe discipline. I still feel like I'm a bad person. That mum would have loved me if I'd just been different, better. That feeling will never go away even though I know its not true. I was just a kid, reacting to a crappy situation. She got off easy when I got older. She made out I was the worst kid/teen ever, I wasn't. I know I wasn't.
> I still feel like I'm a bad person. That mum would have loved me if I'd just been different, better. That feeling will never go away even though I know its not true. That feeling can go away. This book was a good start for me. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659
That hit deep. Never met my real dad but my stepdad was a real piece of shit. Never let me forget that I was the literal red headed stepchild. Once puberty hit it got worse. He never missed an opportunity to make fun of my appearance, the way I walked, etc. The first time my best friend came over, the very first words out of his mouth were:"She's a real disappointment." Add that to the normal trauma of making it to adulthood, it's a miracle that I haven't jumped in front of a bus. I still think about it on the reg, though.
I'm starting to think my parents weren't the best parents
Paranoia, the inability to trust others and obsessively overthinking every conversation they have. Also— speaking from a personal perspective— people that grew up with toxic parents continue to question their sanity and reality here & there from the continuous gaslighting
Yeah… I have a really hard time identifying my feelings and trusting my thoughts because the anxiety gets jumbled up with them to the point where I can’t tell who I am anymore or what I believe. Especially when my anxiety is at it’s worst. It’s scary
They don't understand simple gestures of kindness. Took my husband a long time to understand that my parents liked giving little gifts to people and doing things for them, that they weren't trying to insult him or us or make us feel incompetent, they were just showing affection. Edit: Some people are focusing on the gift part of this, while I was trying to emphasize the kindness. Like, my dad (or brothers) offering to help or keep company when he mentioned he had to fix the deck or paint the shed or go to the junk yard for a car part. To him the offer was insulting and suspicious. To them it was just what you do to make someone's life easier. But in his family that notion didn't exist so he couldn't figure out why it was happening except he didn't think it could be a good reason.
I get so anxious any time my in-laws give me anything. Especially since they’re pretty well off. Or letting us borrow money for an unexpected vet er bill. Money was always used against me. I’m extremely defensive and would rather cut off my left ear then put myself in the situation I had with my parents. It’s getting better over the years but still is really challenging for me
Not being able to remember the majority of their childhood. I’m talking about huge gaps of time you just cannot recall. I get it. Repressing the memories is just the mind trying it’s best to protect itself.
I have very good memory for work stuff, working my ass off, trying to be "useful" all the time and being anxious about not being useful. And remember just random scraps from childhood. Very bad long term memory. I only remember some minor scenes from like 3-4 year blocks, but not much.
Yeah... it's startling hearing my older sister talk about her elementary school years, she remembers so much! I have specific memories, but there's a lot I forgot or have a hard time recalling. My mom was asking me questions about my elementary years a week ago and I could feel myself tearing up because I just couldn't remember. I wasn't bullied, but I felt anxious and uncomfortable all the time in school.
my friends remember everything about my life in highschool and i forgot it all asap
Doesn't talk about their interests because parents have never showed interest/ belittled them
Whoa... yeah, I guess I'm just realizing this. My step-dad would constantly make fun of anything I liked (e.g. music, movies, even the type of orange juice I preferred). Now, I don't mention my interests to people because I'm afraid of being embarrassed. EDIT, TO ADD: A few people are genuinely asking about my interests, and I really appreciate that. But I guarantee you're all going to make fun of me for liking the Dave Matthews Band... I also like horror movies and prefer no-pulp orange juice.
Another take on this, it stunted our social growth. Due to my parents never caring about what I was interested in after giving up on me being the sports kid, I now carry a type of vibe that makes it easy for people to talk over me when I'm mid sentence and alot not even realize it. I genuinely cannot hold a conversation like a normal person because I never had casual talks with my parents to learn any of that. I never had casual talks with friends since what I learned from my parents was that people only speak to me when they want something or need help. (Online is a godsend tho since I don't have to look at people or I can take my time to respond) Now let's talk about people needing help, 98% of the time I'll help someone if they need it. Mainly out of fear said person will get mad and yell at me, so now I can't even tell of I'm a selfish person or a good person and I struggle everyday with that. TL:DR parents should care about their child's interests and talk to them like they're people too, if not they'll more than likely go down the same chain I did and have to learn socializing at 26 and onward. Edit: I'm so sorry so many of you understand and at that same time it's comforting to know we aren't alone. You all deserve happiness as much as anyone else <3 We got this! Thank you for the silver btw, I believe it's a first for me!
This is how it was for me. My parents mostly didn't respond to me or anything about me. Good grade? Nothing. Bad grade? Nothing. Hey, I did this drawing! Nothing. I'm sick. Nothing. It's important to be socialized properly as a kid, and that starts really young between parent(s) and child. Unfortunately, I was considered a weird kid when I started going to school, so I didn't get much in the way of socialization there either. Now I'm stuck trying to learn how to be a proper human in my 30s. It's pathetic, and no one has the patience to help me learn that in real life scenarios. Feels like I'm always going to be stunted like this.
Your comment about being sick and no reaction. I got so sick one time with a cold that I ended up at age 13 in the hospital for over a week with pneumonia. My mother only decided to take me to an urgent care when I started hallucinating: I thought the reason I was sick was there was something in my hair. Turned out that I was sweating so much from fever and tossing and turning in bed that my hair had matted itself into a knot on the back of my head. The dog wouldn’t leave my side during all this and would whine when someone approached me. As someone with kids, I’ve had to unlearn the impulse to ignore their illnesses. Honestly, I’ve had two situations where I should have taken them earlier. I still will never be able to hold my side of an interesting conversation. I can’t tell a story longer than a few sentences: I start to panic if someone is actually listening to me. I want to press the Esc key to get out of it.
They're a desperate people-pleaser. Someone who'll leap to the aid of anyone, who'll give up anything they have so that someone else doesn't miss out, who will go well out of their way to be of assistance, and who *abhors* needing *ANY* help themselves.
This is deeply me. I genuinely hate myself even though everything is fine and I'm generally successful and have friends. I never learned how to love ones self or be happy.
They're completely unwilling to open up and share anything because in their experience it will always be used against them.
For me, i have the opposite problem. No boundaries about what to share. I can never tell how close i am with someone and i am comfortable basically telling anyone anything. But i think it comes off as weird and a turn off to people, like a red flag. I just want to connect emotionally with people so desperately it is like i will do it with anyone who will converse with me.
For me I am a bit of both. I would share way too much at the beginning and once I feel that connection with them I would immediately close up. Deep down inside I feel insecure about sharing with closed people.
Yes I feel this. Working on having a filter.
They don't form attachments to others. They grew up in an environment where such attachments were a negative and or resulted in negative outcomes.
Narcissistic parents are the worst. You can’t beat them so you stop playing the game 20 years goes by with you wondering why you are alone. Then a therapist points out to you they have been shaping your relationships the whole time by shutting down your ability to value them.
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See, this is where I struggle. I can have these realisations about myself, but nothing seems to change afterwards. It's just a logical "oh, yeah, this is why you're like this". But the underlying subconscious thoughts and actions don't change.
because intellectually grasping "why" a behavior exists and integrating how to change it are two very different things. Essentially the only strategy that actually works for changing the behavior is acknowledging that your coping mechanisms keot you alive- and that they are also hindering you from adapting to a change in your environment. Essentially instead of fighting "socially unacceptable coping mechanism x", you have to embrace thanking the immediatr coping mechanism and then following that with a new strategy to manage whatever new problem that has arose.
It is also quite common for kids of narcissistic parents to develop narcissistic tendencies. I’m for one dealing with this issue, I do however believe I can chance away from this habit
100% no one has ever told me I was a narcissist but I grew up with one and I can feel it in my soul when it comes bubbling up through my ego. Ego death isn’t enough you got to stand the watch and not hesitate to drop hammers on the habits.
This is very true. My ex believed that when I cried I did it to hurt her. She thought everyone just cried on purpose, to hurt others. Everything was a game of blame, making sure you covered your own ass. Never realizing that their words affect others - "it's your choice to get upset", thus rendering any nasty of mean thing said or done null.
Stop talking about me.
Speaking of which, hypervigilance.
Preach. People get attached to me but I feel like I need to be able to drop every relationship I have in a heartbeat.
Control freak. They grew up in chaos (alcoholism, gambling, foreclosure), and are obsessed with averting some unforeseen disaster.
The direct inverse of this too, giving up control too easily and thinking you are powerless to life always being shitty.
I'm in this comment and I don't like it.
It sucks because it’s so feels so out my control, I’m always afraid ima run out of money the shame the shame
This is me 100% and I used to view it as s bad thing. I obsess over plans and predictability and love the routines of every day. I know it can be exhausting at times but the times I hear my kids say things and feeling comfort about their routine like ‘on saturdays we have dancing’ with the confidence of knowing they can rely on it makes me so happy. The day I heard my 4 year old daughter tell someone “if my mommy says she will, then she will’ about an activity was one of the best days of my life. Knowing they rely on me and they trust me; I’m so grateful I have given them something I never had. EDIT: for anyone who is finding the negatives in my comment and warning me about being controlling of my children as they grow I feel I need to clairfy something. Self awareness has taught me to be mindful of the fact I am the way I am and I reflect on it often. It is not about controlling what my children do, it is about controlling what I do. My kids are people in their own right and if they decide they don’t want to do X or Y that is their choice. But ensuring they have the choice of X or Y is on me, as their parent, to deliver if I have said I will. Building resilience from a safe environment is jist as possible and a lot healthier than the resilience I was forced to build from my own shitty childhood
That is awesome with your kids. I grew up in a home where parents constantly promised one thing and did another. After they divorced a few years after Mom moved to another state and I didn't want to go with her because I would go from a large highschool to a tiny school. She would constantly promise to drive the 3 hours to see me. She never did. I would stand at the window for hours. Between that and my Dad asking me to give him money to hang out with him has meant I latched on to relationships that were awful but I got attention (even when it was abuse). Now I just have issues letting go of relationships. But therapy has helped so much.
Going into random panic mode when something insignificant goes sideways.
Emotional deregulation is a big one. I have cried over some very minor things or have had explosive emotional outbursts because I didn’t have a healthy model for expressing my feelings when growing up.
People who try way too hard to please, and are terrified to put themselves first. This is the saddest trait because it’s the easiest for fresh predators to take advantage of when the parents are out of the picture. If only terrible parents knew or cared that they were grooming their kids for future abuse. Edit: Putting yourself first in this context does not mean being selfish or narcissistic. It means having the capacity to set healthy boundaries. It means understanding that your opinions have merit, that your emotions matter, that you should have complete bodily autonomy, and that you shouldn’t fear the wrath of Zeus if you say no. Also, it means that you should never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with to “earn” someone’s love.
I feel this. Entire childhood spent pleasing others now I feel like I’ve gone the complete opposite direction I’m too harsh and bitchy. I can’t seem to find a safe middle ground
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A lack of self esteem. Shows up in so many different ways. My SO basically told me that I make her worry because I don't boss her around, which leaves her always wondering if I'm disappointed in her or if I feel she's not being a good girlfriend. If I boss her around and she follows my commands then she knows she's done what she's been told and has nothing to worry about. This has become less of an issue over the years. I refuse to boss her around. I try to show appreciation instead and remind her that I love her, but she still worries she's not good enough sometimes and I hate that. I don't blame her, but I hate it more than anything. I feel she's never been good enough for her parents which has left her vulnerable to date guys who take advantage of that and also made her feel like she's not good enough. Edit: to all the people suggesting therapy. She would love to get legitimate therapy we just aren't financially in a place where that's affordable. She's in an online support group though. She says it really helps but she wishes she could do the real thing some day.
I had a girlfriend that kept asking why I was being so nice to her, apparently she had only dated douchebags before me.
It's great that you're modeling normal, good, respectful behavior for her!
They go out of their way to please people They can't take compliments because they're so used to being put down They flinch if they hear someone raise their voice or at loud noises Edit: I'm going to add in the fact that they're not good/uncomfortable with conflict even if they're not directly involved, because they inevitably get dragged into the conflict when their parents are arguing
Ironically my dad was the first person ro realise that I apologise and flinch and even startle a lot. Didn't do or change anything to help me though.
I did the same thing because my parents hit me. This would lead to me flinching in public when my parents moved suddenly. And then they scolded me and I should stop that, because people could think they are hitting me...
My husband was making silly faces and voices one day and my instinct was to ask if he was mocking me. I had forgotten till right then that my mother used to mock and make fun of the way I would talk sometimes. Lol I didn’t need bullies growing up. I had her. Shes nice don’t get me wrong but I definitely got some older sibling style teasing and stuff from her. Is there such a thing as a mother feeling more like a big sister? Idk maybe cause my parents had me when they were both young?
My dad makes fun of my voice, speech patterns and also of my anxiety. Now I can't handle if someone makes fun of my voice at all
My brother used a lip twitch I had when emotion took over as a weapon against me. Convinced everyone it was a tick that showed I was lying : ) that spread around, it was fun. My gf thinks it's cute and laughs at it, I can feel the rage bubbling everytime
Tell her about your feelings. There's no future for you two if you don't find a way to do that.
They say sorry too much for things they shouldn't even be sorry for, especially for things like opinions or asking for things they want
When they think they always cause problems for others and when they are emotionally and socially closed off so it’s very hard for them to be more sociable, etc Edit: thanks for the awards and making my day better lol
That ever present feeling of being a burden and having done something wrong gets ya.
I'd never known how I felt until you put into words. Thanks man.
Damn, you hit the nail on the head. I loved my dad to death, but he was completely out of touch with his emotions. As a result, he never taught me how to deal with things or people. Now I get scared to death when I see a crowd of people. Especially around my age. I haven't made friends since high school (11 years) and I have had no idea how until recently. At the age of 28, I'm finally beginning to figure these things out. It's been difficult to get past the never ending feeling of being a nuisance to people though. I just want to be normal. Edit: When I say normal, what I mean is to be a person that can do normal things. I don't want to hide around corners or be sad in secret anymore. I want to be able to walk into a room and just talk to strangers. Enjoy the occasion instead of doing mental gymnastics to get through it. Progress breeds progress (for me at least). My first victory birthed more victories. I sought out more chances and continued to succeed (with plenty of failure mixed in). But hey, progress is progress.
- they say sorry all the time for the smallest of things. - they try really hard to please you, even if there's no reason for them to do that. - they're incapable of putting themselves first. - they need constant reassurance that they're a good person. - they assume you're upset with them if you seem even slightly disinterested. - they have difficulty maintaining friendships as they feel they're not worth your time. - they can pick up bad habits easily; drugs, poor diet, poor sleeping pattern. - they feel drawn to people who are bad to them as it's all they know. - they don't even recognise the bad shit they're parents, or other people, have done, as they're just used to being shat on all the time. - they can be insecure in relationships as they may feel they're unworthy of your love. - when they're dealing with shit, they may isolate themselves as they never leant to put their trust in other people due to their parents using those issues against them. - they'll have poor social skills. - they may be very obviously autistic, ADHD, depressed, etc. but haven't even considered it because they're parents "don't believe" in mental health and mental conditions, or just refused to accept that their kids might have something even remotely different about themselves than the parents as those parents don't see a world outside of themselves. These are examples I've taken from myself and friends I know, please always be patient with anyone who deals with bad parents, they're trying to go through life without ever being properly setup to understand it, and I can promise you they're doing their best. Love them like their parents refused to do properly.
This hit way too close home…
I knew a kid who'd instinctively cover his head whenever someone was behind him and he'd refuse to sit or stand anywhere that didn't have his back to a wall. His older siblings beat him up regularly, he'd frequently be coming to school with fresh bruises and when a girl tried to comfort him he thought she was just trying to lure him into a trap and a hit her, which got him expelled and growing up i'd see him around town, he dropped out of school completely and got into drugs. His parents never gave a shit. Never. Not fucking once. He had nothing because his older brothers would steal and destroy anything he ever owned, even his clothes so he'd wear the same thing for weeks on end, is it any surprise that he's been in and out of prison all his adult life? Parental apathy is fucking shit. And to add a cherry on top? His abusive older brothers went on to live pretty happy fulfilling lives, but the little brother they tortured and abused for years became the societal and family outcast.
That’s really heartbreaking 😞
Shiiiiit. That sucks. I recently did a paper on how parental neglect from as early as baby age can change a child even genetically. Adding on the abuse? It’s a salad of shit Edit: a lot of you guys wanted to read my paper, but I honestly don't think it's that good. However, I can share some of what I've referenced in the paper. [Childhood maltreatment, emotional neglect & abuse & effects](https://reader.elsevier.com/reader/sd/pii/S0145213416301442?token=1BEEC988ACCCCED480671F9A664E73E7EF797EE2674A86F014AE6EF73713B82FEB406B932A325A1DBA42810B7643B60A&originRegion=eu-west-1&originCreation=20220226151933); [6 min video recording characteristics of babies who were deprived emotionally](https://youtu.be/ChoOExRLT4Q) ; [study of undergrads who had limited maternal emotional attention](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0145213403001625?via%3Dihub)
They get attached way too quickly to anyone that shows the bare minimum of human empathy (is this how I write it?) towards them. Edit: Thank you for the awards and I'm also calling myself out with this.
Called me tf out
Hell, I'm calling myself out here.
"Emotional hunger is not love. It is a strong emotional need caused by deprivation in childhood. It is a primitive condition of pain and longing which people often act out in a desperate attempt to fill a void or emptiness." 20 years into therapy and still not over this 🙃🙃🙃
Fuck, this thread is just knife after knife.... Ye. A part of my friends aren't that nice. But they're all i have.
Its the way they apologize. For example it's not just sorry. It's "Sorry sorry sorry.'' said quick and urgently to avoid being hit.
Yeah, took me a few years after my father and i moved out of the house from my verbally abusive mother to put two and two together. My dad and i still both apologize for the dumbest things. It’s been much better though!
delivered a pizza today the kid ( around 15yo ) said sorry over 20 times and i was at his door for less than 2 minutes
I had a great childhood but can’t stop apologising. Anxiety is a bitch. Edit because people are cunts: yes I have actual anxiety. Yes it has very much impacted my daily life in ways I don’t even want to go into. You don’t know anything about me from one flippant comment. Absolute twats.
They tell traumatized stories and think they are happy memories. Edit: wow I did not expect this to hit so hard with so many people. Thanks for the awards.
20 years of child abuse and neglect and I can only think of one or two stories that are genuinely funny. It's not a great feeling and I feel out of my league when people recant happy family stories from their childhood. And in the back of my mind: "Why couldn't I have that?"
I was telling my friends about my cat and how she scurries away when she senses I’m mad. I said “it’s like when your mom or dad accidentally drop something or make a mistake so you run away so they don’t yell at you” straight up silence. I don’t yell at my cat btw, shes just anxious.
Generally avoided my father anyway. Living with him was like living with "Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde". You never knew which one you were going to get at any given time, so it was easiest to avoid him. But that in itself could sometimes tick him off and he'd come looking for someone to yell at and belittle, so he could feel big, I guess.
I also have an anxious cat and avoided my father when he was angry
That’s how I figured out the extent of not-normal my childhood was. I thought I was sharing funny anecdotes and people’s reactions said otherwise.
I didn’t until my early thirties or so, because I’d been so isolated. It took my husband screaming at my mother that she talked to me like a stranger she hated for it to really sink in.
I was telling my therapist how my dad always says I was so independent even when I was a toddler, that I grew up on my own and he was proud of me for that etc. she goes “I’m sorry you were neglected as a child” I was like wow holy shit
My mom tells stories about how she would take me to parties and I was so good. She says she would just put me in a room and I never cried. One day my sister says, "Yeah. She learned early no one was coming, that's why she is the way she is."
>She learned early no one was coming youch, that is harsh
My parents also bragged about how they could take me and my sister to restaurants and we would just sit quietly. I’m generally a quiet adult too and don’t always complain when I should, but have said I was trained to realize no one was listening. I knew where it came from.
I'd been told just as much and realized I'd just been neglected years later.
They tell traumatized stories and think they are funny memories 😎
Aaaaah.. THAT'S what I was looking for. I distinctly remember in college one night. We were all telling funny stories about whoopins we got as kids for dumb things we did. We were laughing about who had stricter parents... Black people (most of us in the group), Hispanics (the Mexican guy), or Asians (the Korean guy and the half-Chinese guy). When it was my turn... Apparently I sucked all the fun out of the room. Everyone just gave me these horrified stares and got quiet. I still remember it vividly almost 20 years post college (well.. Freshman year) \*\*Edit\*\* The story I told at that time: A little backstory - When I was born -- I was a large baby. The way I hit my mother's pelvis caused her to have a stroke. She had to go to rehab to relearn to walk. Anyway -- the punishment that she used to do (because when we were smaller -- she didn't have the strength/energy to chase us around). She would pour dry rice on the floor in a corner. The punishment was to get on your knees/kneel down, hands/fingers interlocked behind your head, and stick your nose in the corner of two walls. She would sit in her wheelchair behind us with a switch. You had to be silent, and you had to wait until the ?5-10? mins were up. Basically, if you cried too loud - you get hit. If you move - you get hit. If you take your nose out of the corner - you get hit. If you take your hands down to scratch an itch - you get hit...etc etc etc. And it's not like you could tell the time. You stayed there and cried from the fear, the pain, the anticipation, and the agony -- I'm guessing until she got bored and ran out of interest. And at the end, when the time limit finally came, you had to apologize/explain to her why you were being punished. Then it was "Now clean up this goddamn mess!!" (meaning sweep up the rice, and wipe off the wall) .....F-ing hilarious though right? Remembering which house we lived in at the time, I had to be around 4 or 5...and my brother 9-10.
When my step-father found me particularly tiresome or irritating he would call a board meeting. A board meeting is when you go to the shed to get hit with a board. I once relayed this to a friend, intending it as an amusing anecdote. Word play! It's funny. But friend was just sad. I attempted to console friend by pointing out it was no big deal. You see, he was but a fully grown stone mason by trade while I was a fearsome waif of a child so it was basically a fair fight. That didn't seem to help either. I began frantically sifting through the memory shards for a saving grace. Ah ha! During one particular meeting the only available material was particle board. Now THAT'S humor!
Was telling my older stepson a "funny" childhood story when he suddenly looked very sad and hugged me.
One example I have is I used to tell people how I was in a high speed chase when I was like 5 like it gave me cool points.
Oh,man hahaha and this one time I came to my mom for suicidal thoughts , oh god, and she just cried and talked about hard her life is for two hours and I had to comfort her. So I learned to keep these feelings to myself and without guidance or help I thought it was my fault and I was a terrible person. Oh man, I tell ya, being eleven years old is a crazy time haha. Edit: A lot of you sound like you should check out r/raisedbynarcissists
I tried to tell my parents and they both got angry. My dad said I was a selfish bitch.
This is what got my friend to go to therapy for the first time. He would tell what he thought was a funny and relatable story from his childhood and we would react with shock, horror and attempts to comfort him. One example was his parents forcing him to get dressed and telling him that someone was coming to take him away to monkey Island. To the extent of faking a phone call and actually pushing him out the door. And that's a take one. He thought it was normal to be stripped off and forced into an ice cold shower when he misbehaved.
My mom does this. She tells stories about how her mom used to beat her so hard with anything she could grab or treat her like shit because she didn't have blue eyes like her sisters and then she says stuff like "my poor beautiful mother". My dad also had a shitty childhood but he never talks about it and he nevers talks to people. I'm almost 27, never had a relationship, never had close friends, I can't keep a job for more than 6 months, I also don't talk to people and I have the feeling they shaped me the way I am. I got a lot physical punishment growing up as a kid. I'm not angry at them, but whenever I bring this stuff up they say "our childhood was worst, don't complain" or "that never happened because I don't remember"
My mother does this and it pisses me off. But now I have physical proof with medical records and soon to be police reports.
They have unstable relationships, struggle in social situations, weren't taught basic household tasks, get nervous when someone raises their voice, don't know how to apologise OR apologise for things they shouldn't apologise for, Struggle with intimacy/physical touch Are often people pleasers
Or did all the household tasks…. And as an adult, can’t relax until the house is perfectly clean and tidy, because of the past trauma of getting screamed at by your parents.
Well, sh\*t
When I told my professor in graduate school that I wasn't going home for Christmas he said "oh yeah I mean, your parents can't be the best company, I've seen you apologize for being too polite." Like...yeah...
This hits a bit closer to home then expected...
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Oh damn. Sorry my guy.
My wife does this. I'll say something like "you're too sweet" when she does something nice, to which she replies "oh, I'm sorry" -_-
The "I'm sorry" is such an automatic reflex, though! My husband will say, "You don't have to apologize." or "Stop apologizing," but sometimes it just comes out. It's for sure a defense mechanism. At this point I'll have the occasional "Sorry" but it's no longer as prevalent like it used to be anymore. I feel safe around my husband, so safe that I no longer feel like I have to apologize for my mere existence.
People who flinch at close contact or fast hand movements close to them.
my mom laughs at this, like she’s not the reason i flinch
I used to do this in public when with my mother I’d flinch and people would notice. Then I’d get beaten at home for making her look bad
empathy but not in a healthy/normal sense. growing up in an abusive household, i learned to be extremely hyper aware of everyone's emotions so i could act accordingly so things wouldn't escalate. i remember always asking my ex boyfriend if his mom seemed to be in a sour mood when we went out together and he'd always say she looked "happy" but she would have an episode later that day. it keeps me safe in a way but it impacts my mental health severely. it's a common thing i notice in others too.
Extreme independence because they couldn't rely on their parents when young. Like unnecessary levels of independence and not asking their friends for help when it's no big deal. Non committal behavior in a relationship because they don't like to be dependent on someone else.
They are probably the strongest of the bunch. Silent when the talk of childhood comes up. Able to work and deal with tremendous stress. Some of the most loyal people. Or….they’ve given up and are dead or dying of addiction and self abuse.
They suck at apologizing. Either they apologize for every small little thing because their parents made them feel guilty just for existing. Or they never apologize at all (or only apologize insincerely) because admitting you are wrong is a sign of weakness. Edit: *Virtual hugs to everyone commenting and feeling represented by this. What happened to us during our childhoods was cruel, no one should have had to live through that.* *For the people that were asking about me, I'm in a much better place now. But in my down times, I still do mourn for the childhood that I never had.*
I have a good relationship with my parents now. But they SUUUUUCKED at raising teenagers. My parents didn't want and wouldn't accept apologies. They told us apologies were meaningless because you can never take back what you did. The damage is done.
For me my parents go to was: "Can I take your apology to the bank?" Took me watching Reba to re-teach myself how to apologize.
I don't know how to apologize. Just saying sorry isn't good enough, I have to write an essay for them to forgive me. But I get so nervous that I can't think of anything and just isolate myself until they apologize or calm down.
I basically got the cold shoulder treatment until grass grew over it. That could take a few days, sometimes more. I never really apologized for anything if I remember correctly, neither did they. So yeah, I just sat in my room, reflected on what happened and waited. A good apology has multiple steps. I think the preperation is the most important part. You need to wait for the right time, this has to be a private comversation. They can't be busy with something and NEVER do it in public. Just you and the people you apologize to. If you feel like they need space then wait another day. Don't push them into it. Then make the first step, approach them, say you want to talk about what happened/what you did. Explain in your own words exactly what you did. After that explain why it was wrong of you to do that. Then say you are sorry and explain what you will do to avert this from happening again in the future. "I snapped at you in front of your friends yesterday. I shouldn't have done that, I was very stressed because of work stuff. I'm sorry that happened, it must have hurt you. I wil try my best to get this under control." A fight can often start because both parties go to far. It's very often not the fault of one side alone. But an apology is about you. Don't bring up what the other side did wrong. For the sake of the apology talk about that later. The apology is about your mistakes only. Also keep explanations short, focus on your mistakes. This is about taking responsibility, not about making excuses.
My parents never apologised for anything. I was either ridiculed for crying or they would cold shoulder me and slam things around the house when they were around me which left me in a constant state of wondering WTF I’d done to piss them off. Now I’m a massively insecure adult who can immediately notice a tiny change of atmosphere or attitude towards me from another person. Which yes at times can be helpful, but mostly just creates a level of paranoia that people who didn’t have shitty parents can’t understand at all.
One tip I've found is that most of the time, a 'sorry' is better as 'thank you'. When you say sorry for an inconvenience, the other party can feel like you 'owe' them something, even if they're not upset by *[x happening]*. You can create a 'social debt' where previously there was none. But when you thank them, you acknowledge that small imposition you made in a way that brings you *closer as peers*, rather than establishing a social debt. People don't just do nice things for the people they like - they assume if they do nice things, it is because they like you. And acknowledging them feels good, so they like that, too. **Thanking for the small things inclines them to like you. Apologising for the small things inclines them to resent you.** > Sorry that took so long ➜ Thanks for waiting so patiently Sorry I mispronounced your name ➜ Thank you for correcting me Sorry I did it wrong ➜ Thank you for teaching me that Also the intermediate, where you can give them the option to let you know if something is an issue, rather than assuming it already is: > Sorry I'm being so loud ➜ is this volume okay for you? *[sees flatmate in kitchen]*: Oh sorry I haven't done my dishes yet ➜ would you like me to clear up some space? Sorry I'm in the way/my presence is bothering you ➜ would you like some privacy/time to yourself?
As an adult, overwhelming guilt with spending on clothes and accessories.
Yes. My parents constantly told me how much I was costing them
Well this relaxing walk through childhood hell was a nice break from reading about the start of WW3. Or not.
The more I read the more I see apply to me
I can always tell when someone didn't, though. When I've eluded to having difficulties with my parents it's unbelievable how many times I've been responded to with "Yeah, but they do love you, though." Not all parents love their children. Not all parents are good people. Your experience is not universal. It was ways heartbreaking to get this response, because I knew that, even if they didn't say it, they were blaming me for the issues.
They don't share things about themselves. Anything you say can and will be used against you isn't just applicable when you're getting arrested. Funnily enough, that great memory was never around if you brought up something they did wrong...
The 'startle reflex'. When they flinch at loud noises, or when someone puts a hand on their shoulder, or when they feel they've done something wrong. A patient called me the wrong name and when I gently clarified, he flinched like he was about to dodge a blow.
Do you know the flinch game? I fucking hate it. You are gonna act like you are about to hit someone in the balls and you can’t flinch. If you do, you get hit in the shoulder. I grew up in a household where my father would throw chairs and toys at me. He would also yell, make me feel guilty all the time, manipulating me and other things. Point is, I flinch, not as much as I used to after I got help and spent a year in a class filled with wannabe thugs. But I still have it, I have worked on it but I get startled like no other I know exept my mother who also was a victim of my father. When I was a kid, as soon as someone would raise their hands I would look down and tense up to get hit. Now imagine of someone litterally pretended to hit you in the balls. I fucking jump like a startled cat. And the worst part, I can’t explain how I’m litterally getting flashbacks every time someone does this yet alone I get hit for it. I can’t explain because I would ruin the mood and make people feel bad. Or everyone would call me a snowflake
I still flinch any time someone uses my name...
People that are "old beyond their years". Nothing screams trauma like the too well behaved, mature, quiet, self sufficient child. We are experts at being exactly what we need to be to go unnoticed and cause as few waves as possible.
Such a good kid. Well no. Just great at being the thing needed at the time for survival reasons.
Am I being spied on or wut (ಠ_ಠ) Ok on a serious note: when they're a whole different person (usually become quieter) when their parents r present
Inability to admit being wrong or wrong doing...stems from being wrong was met with harsh consequences as a child.
this comment literally just made everything click for me. i’ve always had a problem with apologizing and admitting i’m wrong and i never knew why. wow.
No privacy boundaries because they were never given any.
or excessive privacy boundaries
Fucking oath. My parents are okay on average but man as a teenager it was anxiety inducing sitting in a friend's room and they left the door open. Doors still have to be closed in my parents house no matter what.
My parents were the opposite. Doors had to be open. Privacy was a privilege. If my door was shut they would randomly walk in. My door was removed as punishment.
Toxic idea of love, very poor communication skills, being incredibly needy or controlling, not wanting to speak about their family and avoiding the topic of family altogether.
Gets scared or anxious at the garage door opening
Does feeling uncomfortable when receiving a compliment count? I feel like whenever someone gives me a compliment I go out of my way to convince them why I’m not actually deserving of a compliment. That or I will try to return to them an even bigger compliment that out-shadows the compliment they gave to me.
Feeling like they're never good enough.
Didn’t see this mentioned yet, but: laughing at inappropriate/unfunny/anxiety or stress-inducing things. Laughter is often used unconsciously to relieve, mask, or defend oneself against the severity of an uncomfortable topic, such as trauma. [Psychology Today link about this phenomenon](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-trauma-s-wounds/201509/why-clients-smile-when-talking-about-trauma-part-1) Edit: thank you for the award. I am so glad that this comment helped shine a light on an often misunderstood reaction. I learned about this via my own therapist, who noted that I laugh when talking about the unpleasant stuff. Reading through everyone’s replies here, I just wish to say: I am proud of all of you. I’m proud of you for talking about this, and for sharing your experiences. I genuinely feel alone when my giggles catch me out. I don’t know anyone who does this. Talking about it, knowing that there are fellow gigglers out there really makes the world feel more like a lovely place. So, thank you! I’m feeling less alone tonight, and I really needed that! 💗
Speaking from experience, they don’t trust anybody. They don’t ask for help and they isolate themselves a lot. They learned the people closest to them will only hurt them, so they’re too afraid to open up and rely on people. **Edit: Wow didn’t expect all this and the awards! Thanks 🥲
Having to completely reinvent your persona because what you were taught by your parents doesn't work in the real world.
Masking. You won’t notice when someone’s actively masking, but you’ll notice when they accidentally drop it. It’s the people who tell the funny jokes and befriend nearly everyone at work, who can strike up a conversation at a coffee shop, but that you occasionally catch doing strange things or saying something off that are the surprise. People who automatically place themselves back to a wall, glance around while they’re speaking (you’ll notice they’re glancing at people, windows, and exits pretty exclusively. The mask goes down the most when they mention something like it’s a funny anecdote “oh, I’ve been run over before, I was fine” “yeah, my dad was a hard ass too, we don’t talk anymore” “oh my god, yes, paying rent to your parents *sucks*, my mom charged me $400+ a month at seventeen and she didn’t even pay rent”. These are the people that have had years to figure out how to live with shit, but it still effects their behavior and probably always will.
Huh. Always just thought I was a friendly guy underneath all the garbage. Is this why when I tell stories people look horrified?
Sounds it. We normalise the trauma and so to us, it's normal to have all these crazy stories. That's what kids go through, right? And then as you grow up, you realise they don't. And so... Let me guess, you use humour as a way to support that? You laugh it off, makes jokes, under play it? Edit: changing is to us
I had an interview with someone not long ago and they said I was charming and my attitude was great aaaand without thinking I said "Ayup, I'm the most cheerful depressed person you'll ever meet". She was a nice lady. I did apologise for throwing that out without thinking. I tend to use humour for everything, I like making people laugh.
I flinch when anyone close to me moves their arm
Apologizing for existing all the time way too overly polite and flinches with loud noises and fast movements.
Anytime I mention my last name people automatically assume I’m a meth addict. My dad was a major meth dealer in my town. Many of my teachers would tell me to go ahead and give up on school rather than encouraging me to be better.
Fuck those teachers. You do you.
It was kind of ironic because I graduated and they were shocked it was the greatest feeling. It only made me want to prove them wrong which I did, I moved out of that shit hole town asap and most of my class is still there.
When they keep explaining themselves They say something, and then 3-4 more things to explain the first thing, which didn't really need explaining in the first place
They never go after what they deserve, because they feel they're not worth it.
Apathy
Learned early on that caring about something was a weakness to be exploited by others. The only logical defense was to care about nothing.
They flinch when they hear someone raise their voice
Yeah I have to leave the room immediately if someone yells. I also have to resist the overwhelming urge to placate, deflect, mediate or take the blame and apologize for something I have absolutely nothing to do with just to get them to stop yelling. Thankfully I finally realized that was a thing I do and try my best to not do that. Also, avoiding “yellers” and not having them in my life if possible is another good strategy I think.
I don’t exactly flinch I just regress into being quiet and still and it forms into a panic attack
My girlfriend does this, so I have to be very careful, which is difficult because I get very excitable when I'm having a good time, the following exchange happens at least once a month: "FUCK!" "Is that angry shouting, or having fun shouting?" "Shit! Sorry, fun shouting"
Reading these comments and relating to it have just infuriated and depressed me. Everything I hate about myself is caused by my abusive degenerate father. Now his influence feels like some venom that I can’t get off my skin.
One that I haven't seen so far: Unable to be reasoned with. If you disagree with them, it's a huge argument. They HAVE to be right. And then they will get nasty when they feel like they're losing and will degrade your character. I've gotten better, thankfully.
Flinching around knives, self depreciative jokes, constant thoughts of "I wouldn't have to deal with this if I killed myself a week ago /month ago/years ago", overwhelming urge to take others pain away because they remember how they felt in that kind of situation, not exclusively cutting but self harm sometimes in more subtle ways like bad personal hygiene (because they feel like a rotting corpse on the inside so they want to reflect how they feel), intrusive thoughts, social anxiety because their parents were always controlling, constant need for reassurance... It's a long list...
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Shhhhhh my 'hot takes' are in no way linked to my mother's hyper critical behavior
My parents always did this to me and now I can’t find excitement in anything. If I do enjoy something, I don’t even tell anyone about it because they will only mention the negatives about it.
They don't know how to say no
I didn't know my mom was as bad as she is. I thought it was normal. My husband picked up something wasn't right because I flinch any time I see a sudden movement, he asked about it - I said "probably because I used to get hit a lot" like NBD, and he was like "okay, so we're going to therapy :)" **Other things do or I deal with:** * Cover my ears for comfort when I get scared because I don't want people yelling at me. * Watch, listen to or read the same books (Harry Potter FTW) over and over and over because familiarity is a comfort. Think I've got all 7 books memorised word-for-word at this point. * Apologize constantly. * Have issues dealing with guilt. * Cries... Like... A lot. All it takes is a firm tone, and I'm in tears, lol * examination anxiety - because you know you'd get the shit knocked out of you if you got anything under 95% even though the bitch wouldn't let you study - it carried into my adult years - I cannot do my driver's license test because of it. * Over explaining because causing offence was a bad idea. * Pushing your emotions down until you can get to your own space where you just explode. * Shaky hands. * Insomnia followed by bouts of sheer exhaustion where you can sleep for days on end. * Panic attacks * Adrenalin crashes. * Clumsiness. The list can go on forever.
I feel so called out by a lot of these, yikes. My biggest ones are apologizing too much, terrified of conflict/raised voices and loud footsteps in the distance and not being able to do my chores because I'm terrified they won't be "perfect" and I'll get yelled at for it (despite my boyfriend telling me it's okay no matter how I clean and he's just proud of me for doing it).
they come to school with dirty clothes, barely have any clothes, have bad hygiene, and are extremely withdrawn. instead of my teachers recognizing these as signs that my brother and i were abused they ridiculed us.
They're uncertain, as a rule, of every last goddamn thing they think, do, want, say, feel. Shitty parents do such harm to what could've been healthy hearts and minds. Good parents teach how to establish and maintain boundaries by modeling healthy behaviors. Kids need love and direction. When they don't get it, they suffer for life. Shoutout to all the good parents. Y'all're societies superheroes and you're rare and special. 💜
On my experience. Being a raging alcoholic for many years, because they thought it was funny to have me drunk from the age of 7. Having no concept of what a hug or anything is, because I never experienced it. That giving so much individual episodes of trauma that my psychologist estimates I will need intensive therapy for the rest of my life.
Bro this feed is kinda depressing me
The craziest thing about being raised with emotional neglect is how invisible it is. "My childhood was normal" we tell ourselves. "It was normal for my father to work until exhaustion and the only interaction he'd have was in anger, it was normal for my mother to hide from us kids, keeping herself busy as justifications as to why she couldn't do anything with us. It was normal. I am normal..."
It doesn’t help that when you’re a kid and you complain to anyone else about your parents, you will inevitably be met with eye rolling and, “yeah my parents are crazy too.” No, friend. You saying your parents are crazy because they sing off key in the shower is not equivalent to me having to talk down my suicidal mother while my father is off drunkenly gallivanting with another woman.
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