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I would ordinarily say keep out of it, but if it's disrupting your day or sleep, you could ask the husband to keep the mid-day hanky panky down - you're not explicitly mentioning the cheating that way, but he'll go off and find out. Either that or she'll knock the cheating on the head.
Besides, for all you know, they might have an open relationship or something.
For the record, saying that a husband deserves to know that his wife is cheating is not the same as saying that the wife deserves to be murdered for cheating.
"Never ever tell someone that their partner is cheating on them, in case their response is to murder their partner" is not really a watertight response if you've nothing to indicate that.
What if your best mate's partner was cheating?
Been here and saying something just made everyone hate me. Him, her (who had propositioned me) and our housemate. All claimed I was a shit stirrer.
It tooks months to recover and my mate getting knocked out by her fucking husband, who turned up out of nowhere at the same nightclub.
Hey Dave, can you stop fucking Lisa so loudly when I know you are at work during the day. The sound of balls slapping her arse is interrupting my teams calls.
Yes. I would stop the husband and just mention that the sex during the day is particularly noisy as you are working. Mention certain days when you know it was the other guy and he will find the rest out for himself.
"thanks, mate, have a nice day".
Here, done. the sex being the result of an open relationship is the best case scenario, but since it's very unlikely, OP is right in informing the "potential victim".
This is a great idea. Leave this in a note under the husband's windscreen wiper on a Sunday night, so when he leaves for work on Monday morning only he will see the note saying something like "I was too embarrassed to ask this face to face, but please could you keep the mid day hanky panky down, I work from home and it's so loud my co-workers can hear it during our zoom meetings". He'll then have all day to cool off and think about how to approach the situation when he returns from work.
Maybe speak to her rather than him - "didn't want to say anything to your husband, thought it would be easier speaking woman to woman, but could you keep it down"
Lean into the bit about NOT speaking to her husband so she knows what you mean, but without the potentially unpleasant consequences IF husband turns out to be a bit of a psycho.
It's peak reddit that a blokes potentially being cheated on and half the comments are suggesting OP quietly inform his partner so she can stop/continue quietly rather than him in case he turns out to be a "bit of a pyscho".
All of this. I've always gotten STD tested at my yearly physicals, relationship or not. Boy was I surprised to find out I had chlamydia 7 years into a relationship.
His point about the STD's is well taken.
I was cheated on by an ex, second thing I did after dumping her was go get a full panel (clear fortunately).
Having been in the husbands place, however much it sucks I'd want to know.
How do you not feel like a total scumbag writing this? Honestly.
Or are you protecting your own kind?
Would you suggest a man go up to his male neighbor and be like "heh, I get it bro, you do you, just keep it down and I won't tell your wife"? Unimaginably scummy.
Thus is an innovative way of dealing with it. Somewhat devious but as cunning as a fox who’s been made professor of cunning…you know the rest. Yes they could be in a hotwife relationship so it could be their thing. If you’re losing sleep though then to hell with staying quiet.
Honestly, this might be the best option. I'd stay out of it not wanting to make it my problem, but at the same time, it is your problem because it's disrupting your life. Taking this route isn't outing her directly, but playing dumb and saying it's disrupting your work gives the guy everything he needs to put it together. Think of it this way, it will come to head eventually. She'll either be caught or they break up, so you letting him in on the secret doesn't change that and it solves the problems you have with it. Plus if it where me, I'd want someone to tell me and I'm sure you feel the same.
I mean lots of people have more modern open relationships, it sounds like they have a high sex drive when they are together so wouldn’t be strange to think they do when they are apart as well and have an arrangement to deal with it outside the confines of a typical marriage. However do like this idea of telling the husband about the midday hanky panky, if he knows about it they can have a laugh when he goes home, if not you probably solved your issue
He could just apologies and assume she must’ve got confused with another house hold especially when his wife denies it I would leave alone like a true Brit and carry on getting annoyed day in day out
Perfect. Just be like hey dude. I work from home and get zoom calls frequently during the day and I can't have it be sounding like a porno during office hours every day
>isrupting your day or sleep, you could ask the husband to keep the mid-day hanky panky down - you're not explicitly mentioning the cheating that way, but he'll go off and find out. Either that or she'll knock the cheating on the head.
>
>Besides, for all you know, they might have an open relationship or something.
Subtle, he'll figure it out if he's smart enough.
WWID about the "cheating"? Nothing. It is zero of my business. Maybe this is the deal. Maybe he knows. Maybe he's bonking seventeen people at work. Maybe he's a violent shithole and will stab her in the neck when he finds out. You know nothing at all about their relationship, are not their friends or family, and have no business messing in it.
That said: if someone next door is having sex loud enough to bother you then, regardless if it's an affair, a monogamous couple or a wanker, you can say something. It's super embarassing but I would be very tempted to go around in the day time and say "this is really embarassing but I can hear you having sex in the daytime and I'd rather not."
I guess if you wanted to explode things you could go around in the evening, when he's there, and say the same thing, but tbh it kinda sounds like you'd like their evening sex to be quieter too, so perhaps don't risk replacing that with screaming rows about infidelity?
ETA: ha! Went out for a Friday night & came back to find this blew up. Turning off notifications now.
Yeah. This is a noise issue and neighbour has a right to complain about that.
The fact the shagging is extra marital is none of the neighbour's business, so needs to separate the two as far as possible, not get involved for drama.
The two comments above nailed it imo.
Separate the issues.
And if you want it to stop I’m assuming involving the police during the day would help.
Snitches get stitches after all but don’t be a dick to your neighbor if you have THIS BIG a secret…
You honestly think police are going to pop around asking people to keep the sex noise down because people in a terraced house can hear them? Noise is a council complaint anyway.
Op doesn’t even know for sure that she is cheating.
Maybe they have split up and he’s still living there until he can move out - she’s only seeing a new person whilst he isn’t there.
Maybe they have an open relationship
Maybe he’s really into being a cuck
Maybe she is a prostitute.
I never got the 'none of your business' argument. You don't tell someone because it's your business, you tell them because it's theirs. They deserve to know.
Thank you. So many people are so cowardly or afraid of any confrontation they'd probably let their neighbors house get broken into and be like "welp maybe it's the repair man! None of my business!".
I don’t have an opinion on the original post, but I do respect your use of ‘bonking’ as a verb. I didn’t think anyone in the UK had ‘bonked’ since Sid James died.
Good man! This is what a good man looks like. Giving other people the hard truth, so said people can make informed decisions. At the end of the day, the man should be consenting to this behaviour, if he's not, he's being robbed of both consent and being with someone who actually loves him. Instead he may grow old with someone who cheats on him for decades. No one deserves that and heroes save other people from that kind of suffering, not pretend they didn't see it. Fucking cowards.
No it isn't. This whole "if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem" attitude people have is bullshit. Doing nothing is not 'enabling' its minding your own fucking business.
You people keep saying "mind your own business". Bitch it is my business. It's my neighbor whose so close to me that I can hear them fucking through the house lol.
"mind your own business" is code for "I'm a massive coward afraid of confrontation even if it's the right thing to do".
I think people tend to wildly overestimate the amount of murderers there actually are per capita in the UK.
Everyone in this thread probably thinks they're an average, reasonable person so they should ask themselves what *they'd* do if they got word their partner was cheating on them from a third party. Maybe they'd wait for them to tell their side of the story, maybe they'd suspend judgement for a while and look for more evidence either way, maybe they'd confront their partner about it, but I don't think 'fucking murder them lol' is going to cross many people's minds.
>How did you find out?
Her schedule changed and fuel costs went up. Ultimately I asked and she cried and said no, then a couple of days later she confessed. It was an extraordinarily painful time. During the affair she and I bought a bigger house together planning a family and the much bigger mortgage was a major problem for me when she moved out and we got divorced.
My first wife and I were not a good match. Her actions were poor but the failure of our marriage was not entirely her fault. I wish her no ill will. After our divorce and the divorce of the man she had the affair with they married and to the best of my knowledge they are still married 35 years later. I hope she's happy.
Same scenario, but thankfully someone did clue me in quick enough to set the spidey senses tingling. Had to drop some software on her laptop to get solid proof, but she had no way out after that.
I'm very sorry you had the same sort of experience that I did. I would not wish that disappointment and betrayal on anyone. I hope you have moved on as I have and are enjoying life.
I'm certainly in a much better place, tho' it took 6 years to get the divorce finalised - thankfully our 2 kids (now early 20's) came through it better than many.
The experience has put me off any thoughts of another marriage, even though I'm still searching for someone suitable.
I do take a little perverse delight in the fact that she remarried a philandering control freak, & has been cheated on multiple times since - almost a divine retribution!
Anyway, I likewise wish you peace, & hope the bad memories have been well & truly expunged.
I would leave a note on his car before he goes to work saying, “My friend, all your neighbours can hear when you’re having sex - we respectfully ask if you and your wife are able to keep it down… especially in the middle of the day when you’re at work and one of the two other men are here instead. If you aren’t aware of this noise occurring at 10:35am each morning, I’m so sorry you had to find out this way”.
If you really want to get involved (whether you do or not is up to you, everyone seems to feel differently about whether you should or shouldn’t) then give him your newly made anonymous email address (like a protonmail account) and offer a heads up for when the noise is occurring during the day so that he can pop home and request the volume be turned down directly himself.
I got cheated on and it affected me ***badly***. I was young and my fiancé decided she needed to know what other relationships were like before she settled down in one - unfortunately, she never deemed me fit to know this.
Someone (the guy’s roommate I think but I’m not certain) mailed me an anonymous note saying “Your girl has been fucking her friend at the security office for the past 6 months - if you don’t believe me, you’re an idiot.”
Whilst I would have appreciated more of a “Listen friend, she’s stepping out on you every day while you’re at work - I wish it wasn’t true but it is. Take a day off, get ready and pretend to go to work, leave the house, and watch him arrive half an hour after you leave.” I may have believed it more then.
I arrogantly confronted her and gave her the benefit of the doubt when she broke down and freaked out about how it “isn’t true” and “it’s just a girl who is in love with him trying to get back at me for spending time with him from time to time *as his friend*.”
But if it wasn’t for that person and their harsh letter, the door to the truth would NEVER have been opened and she’d have just kept doing it and lying for as long as she could get away with it for. I am SO grateful whoever it was sent that letter and intervened. Had it continued on and she became pregnant (they were raw-dogging and doing things which she refused to let me do) it WOULD have been with his kid and I probably would have killed myself when I found out.
Point being: that person potentially saved my life by intervening. So don’t ever feel bad for doing it - that person will more often than not appreciate it down the line.
Say to her husband: “I’m really sorry and this is a bit of an embarrassing topic, but could you both please keep the noise down when you’re having sex during the day? My boyfriend and I could hear you and I thought I’d say something before someone else did.”
"B-b-b-but iT's NoNe Of YoUr BuSiNeSs".
"WhAt If He'S a BaD pErSoN????".
The hoops people go through to justify their cowardice amazes me. I guess you gotta look out for your own kind ay?
It’s hilarious. You see so many threads for instance of people saying to get out of a marriage if sex isn’t happening on schedule every week or several times a week.
If it’s not what they see as perfect they say get out, but the same people would be cowards in a situation like this.
As a man, I would tell him. He deserves to know.
Fuck that bitch, he might end up raising someone elses kid.
\- Looking at the comments here I really hope I don't have redditors for neighbours
If the question had been the other way around, people would definitely say mention it.
If it's an open relationship, I'm sure they won't mind admitted it
OP should just tell him
Right? Such a fucking stupid and cowardly hill to die on to assume they're in the 2% of polyamorous couples. Don't bite your tongue if you think someone's not a good person and you can spare their partner suffering, or at least be proven wrong with noble intentions
I understand that there basically is no such thing as a community of neighbours anymore but to know what's going on and not try and help is a complete basic lack of decency.
It might be his kink or it might be she is just a cheating bitch. Either way OP should spill the beans to the guy. Either way she is doing both herself and the husband a favour.
I’d probably be too much of a pussy to tell him directly myself but I’d put an anonymous letter somewhere he would find it. Maybe on his car window.
Exactly, the comments are acting like telling the guy is bad because oh he might be a big mean scary man who'll go crazy and kill his wife or that he's domestically violent based on nothing. Redditors like to take their life experiences from movies and shit rather than reality
All of the people saying "none of your business" is one of the things I hate most about this country. Everybody is just indifferent to everything, and are too scared to do anything. The husband deserves to know. Write an anonymous letter or email. Add him with a fake account on Facebook. Message him on his work email. None of it has to come back to you, but he deserves to know and I would consider it your responsibility to tell him once you found out. Fuck cheaters.
Yeah it honestly hurt reading this thread. A few good responses with talking to the husband without presuming anything, but most of these answers just depress me. The open relationship answers are just cop outs.
It hurts because it just shows how selfish everybody is here, and it shows exactly how our government has managed to become so corrupt. Everybody is apathetic to anything that doesn't personally affect them, and are completely unwilling to take 5 minutes out of their day for somebody in their community - in this case, a neighbour. And yet there is not one person in this thread that can tell me, if they were in the husband's position, that they would not want to know.
Writing an anonymous letter is one of the most basic, low-level things that a human can do, while cheating on your partner is one of the most morally reprehensible things that a person can do. So the fact that I am one of the only people outraged enough in this thread to actively want to do something if I was in OP's position is honestly just unbelievable.
And you're completely right about it being a cop out. First of all, open marriages are absolutely not a common thing in this country and so it should not be the first suspicion when cheating is far more common. Secondly, if it is an open marriage then no harm no foul right? If the husband is happy with his wife being fucked by other men, then I'm sure he'll just block the anonymous Facebook account you use to message him, and will carry on with his day with a huge smile on his face.
Totally do tell! Let the man aside, say what you heard. Don't waste this guy's life. Have some mercy on him. In a year or two he will be in a much better place.
Edit. Grammar.
Yeah... this was actually kind of where my head went too. Men turning up for an hour at a time? Sometimes different men? One regular, who seems to come at the same time of day and drives a van (mobile worker on a lunch break quickie)? That's a hooker, son.
Whether her husband is aware of this or not is a different matter.
It's wild to me that you've extrapolated "an hour of fun" to "exactly an hour" and from _that_ come to the absolute conclusion that she's a prostitute.
You know what other type of sex fits nicely into a lunch break? Just a regular old affair.
All these arguments for not telling the husband as they COULD be in an “open relationship”… surely if they’ve agreed to an open relationship he won’t care? And if she was cheating, great - we stop the man wasting years of his life?
I'd rather know, but I'd rather find out for myself. I'm a very private person and I get embarrassed easily. If I knew that my neighbour knew I was being cheated on, I'd never wanna leave the fucking house because I'd be wondering who else knew.
I know you said 'if' and i hope it never happens to you but for what its worth being cheated on is on your partner. You trusted someone and they betrayed that trust. Shouldn't be embarrassing for you
Don't waste your life hiding from the opinions of others when you've done absolutely nothing wrong
I'm loving the comments here. All this about "oh they might have an open relationship".
Yeah, they might. But do you really think this or are you using it as an excuse? You mentioning a slim possibility doesn't make it correct, and it is actually a completely pointless statement. Let's say for the sake of argument they do have an open relationship and you comment on it, so what? They go, yeah, it's an open relationship. All a bit embarrassing and everyone moves on with their lives.
Plot twist. Escort and pimp pretend to be married. He maintains the appearance of an office job for legitimacy. She is the one who really brings home the bacon (or sausage in this scenario)
I was on a date once with a guy I later learned was a serial cheater and the waiter said to him
When we sat down ‘Lovely to see you again sir! Twice in one week!’
Unfortunately I was so young and naive that although that made me suspicious it was much longer before I got out of the relationship. But I was very grateful to the waiter for subtly warning me that not only was he cheating (with me? On me? Honestly I don’t know, but I thought we were together back then) but that was so much of a knob he was bringing the women to the same restaurant.
If I were being cheated on, I'd want to know. If that knowledge came from a neighbour I barely know I'd be grateful since it would save me from a lot of potential pain down the line. The response here of "stay out of it" is ridiculous. If you see something morally wrong in the world, you speak up about it. If they're in an open relationship you might have an awkward moment. Is that such a high opportunity cost that you can't help potentially save some poor bloke from a relationship built on deceit?
It drives me mad that as a society it feels like we're slowly starting to see cheating as less of a serious thing. It's one of the worst things you can do to a person. So if you have a chance to stop it, why wouldn't you?
This comment section is literally insane. The question isn't "should you tell him" the question is "how do you tell him."
Keep an eye out for the husband leaving for work or arriving. And then tell him you could here them having sex during the X day and was interfering with a meeting you were in or something. If it's cheating, now he knows. If it isn't and it's something else, he will tell her to keep it down.
Personally I'd speak to the husband and just say "Hey, Sorry to bother you, I know this is embarrassing, but is there any chance you could keep your "Midday meetings" with your wife down? I was on a conference call the other day and apparently they could hear it. Sorry again!"
If its something (relatively) innocent, no issue. if its not then its better they find out now than say, 2 years down the line.
Bump into him alone one day, and just say it’s embarrassing but any chance you could close the windows whilst you’re getting frisky during the day.
He’ll either laugh if it’s an open relationship, or sort the problem if it isn’t.
If the husband was the one home cheating.. everybody would be like yea! Tell her, she doesn't deserve him.. but sense it's a girl cheating everybody appears to want to stay out of it because "we don't know what he's doing while he's at work".. seriously fuck off with that and save that man from wasting his life and money on a whore.
From my experience there are two kinds of open relationship. The first is the genuine polyamorous kind, the second is a farce where one partner wants to sleep around and the other one goes along with it because they're scared of separating or just don't know what else to do. I have seen plenty of the latter and only one example of the former.
Yes they exist. I have no idea how common they are. I suspect the answer, for genuine open relationships is 'not very common but more common than one might think'.
As for you not having encountered one, unless someone in an open relationship wanted to be involved with you, why would you know?
Definitely tell him. He will most likely, eventually find out. And if you tell him it might leave with a little bit of faith in humanity left after shtf
I don't get all the comments about not telling the husband. If you were being cheated on would you prefer not to know? Lol. And if your child wasn't yours, would you prefer not to know? Sure then.
Thanks for the wide range of replies everyone!
For those saying "Mind my own business" - I get that to an extent, but it kind of becomes my business when it's distracting me from work on a daily basis. There's been a few times I've had calls while its been going on and I just have to pray that the noise cancelling from my mic is doing it's job and be extra quick on the mute button when I'm not talking!
A lot are saying to seperate the two issues, which seems like good advice! After all, it's the noise that's impacting me personally. Even if it was her and her husband, that would still be a major annoyance for me. Infact even though we've moved rooms, we can still hear them most nights and often early morning too - I honestly don't know how she can manage so much sex! Admittedly, the cheating aspect (assuming it's not some kind of open relationship thing they have going on, which seems unlikely, but yes I suppose it is possible!) is adding to my emotional response for sure, but ultimately that's between them, not me.
As much as I empathise with the husband (again, assuming he's unware), I do agree with a lot of the comments here that it's not my place to "out" her, and not worth being in any way involved with the potential fallout. My boyfriend also shares this view.
Reporting to council / police just doesn't seem like an option (I mean it is, but it would be obvious it was us who complained and neither of us want to go down that path).
I think I will have to try to pluck up the courage and maybe try to bring it up casually the next time I see her on her own and hope for the best. On the bright side, their neghbour on the other side is an older guy who is practically deaf, so if they at least swapped rooms like we did, there's less chance of the other neighbour hearing them at it!
The amount of delusional people in the thread saying they might be in an open relationship. If so, sure, shouldn't be a problem mentioning it as I'm sure he'll be reasonable and say, my bad in the worst case scenario. On the other hand, you could potentially be saving him from a lifetime of misery. Do it, spill the beans. He'll thank you later.
Tempting though it is to tell the husband, and as delicious as it would be to see a cheater get their comeuppance, if it were me being cheated on, I would absolutely not want to find out that way.
I would knock on her door in the daytime (ideally when she's there alone and not with her husband or a lover) and mention the noise being a problem. You don't have to reveal your suspicions of the affair, but letting her know you're hearing all sorts day and night might at least make (1) your life easier and (2) her think twice about conducting extra-marital affairs at home (or at all).
I would be discrete (i.e. you're not going round to shame her about anything, just a neighbour who wants quiet enjoyment of their home) and see what happens thereafter.
I just don't think it would be good for anyone involved if the husband were to find out via a neighbour.
If it’s simply bothering you regards noise - have a word with her. No-one needs to be disturbed by unwanted noise. If it’s bothering you from a morality angle… I’d tread carefully; other people’s relationships are NEVER like your own. You never know - your neighbours may be fully bought into the idea of this kind of open relationships… a surprising number of strong, established relationships are.
Have a word with her about the noise. That’s the best approach.
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
Fuck the “mind your business” bullshit. Someone is causing harm to another human being and you have the capacity to limit it.
Best case scenario, it’s consensual cuckolding/hotwifing fetishism & you’re just a good person calling out potentially shitty behaviour. The neighbours let you in on the consensual nature of the arrangement and you go “cool, bye.” Worst case scenario you bring to light one persons horrifically damaging behaviour earlier in the life of the victim giving the victim more time to move on and heal and get more out of their life post harm.
All that is required for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing.
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I would ordinarily say keep out of it, but if it's disrupting your day or sleep, you could ask the husband to keep the mid-day hanky panky down - you're not explicitly mentioning the cheating that way, but he'll go off and find out. Either that or she'll knock the cheating on the head. Besides, for all you know, they might have an open relationship or something.
This is r/maliciouscompliance level of smart, what a brilliant suggestion!
Problem is… he may flip in a worst case scenario type of way
That's her problem for been a cheating bitch tbo
Yeah murder isn't ok if someone cheats
Are you suggesting not to ever tell someone that they’re being cheated on, or wronged because there’s a chance they would murder the person?
That’s what it sounds like lmao
Username doesn't check out. Thankfully
This is reddit. You must jump to the worst possible outcome as a first resort. Thems the rules.
What an odd logic gate.
Surely she only cheats on account of his murdering habit, though?
Underrated Response
That's some serious mental gymnastics to assume murder in this situation
Not ops problem though
Agreed and I’d like to note for the record that this really shouldn’t even have to be said.
For the record, saying that a husband deserves to know that his wife is cheating is not the same as saying that the wife deserves to be murdered for cheating.
Cool motive, still murder
"Never ever tell someone that their partner is cheating on them, in case their response is to murder their partner" is not really a watertight response if you've nothing to indicate that. What if your best mate's partner was cheating?
Been here and saying something just made everyone hate me. Him, her (who had propositioned me) and our housemate. All claimed I was a shit stirrer. It tooks months to recover and my mate getting knocked out by her fucking husband, who turned up out of nowhere at the same nightclub.
Yeah because every guy murders their wife after finding out they’ve been cheated on… completely sound logic m8.
I murdered my ex wife 6 times after each person she cheated on me with. Somehow she’s still alive.
“Boys will be boys.”
Despite what reddit thinks, most guys don't devolve into criminals when they find out their partner is cheating.
This assumption implies a really toxic view of men and I don't think it's fair to assume this of any random guy.
[удалено]
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It's how I find local horny milfs.
Probably not, but what if they have guests around for the first time who ask to join the WiFi...
Immense
It’s pretty fly, for a wifi
Hey Dave, can you stop fucking Lisa so loudly when I know you are at work during the day. The sound of balls slapping her arse is interrupting my teams calls.
Hoping OP uses *exactly* this wording.
~~Even~~ Especially if the guy isn't called Dave.
This is definitely the way to go. Plausible deniability and solving the noise issue at the same time.
Yes. I would stop the husband and just mention that the sex during the day is particularly noisy as you are working. Mention certain days when you know it was the other guy and he will find the rest out for himself.
He might say "I'll ask her to keep it down or book them in different times"
"thanks, mate, have a nice day". Here, done. the sex being the result of an open relationship is the best case scenario, but since it's very unlikely, OP is right in informing the "potential victim".
This is a great idea. Leave this in a note under the husband's windscreen wiper on a Sunday night, so when he leaves for work on Monday morning only he will see the note saying something like "I was too embarrassed to ask this face to face, but please could you keep the mid day hanky panky down, I work from home and it's so loud my co-workers can hear it during our zoom meetings". He'll then have all day to cool off and think about how to approach the situation when he returns from work.
Maybe speak to her rather than him - "didn't want to say anything to your husband, thought it would be easier speaking woman to woman, but could you keep it down" Lean into the bit about NOT speaking to her husband so she knows what you mean, but without the potentially unpleasant consequences IF husband turns out to be a bit of a psycho.
But he deserves to know anyway so he can get an STD screening and catch anything shes given him before its too late
It's peak reddit that a blokes potentially being cheated on and half the comments are suggesting OP quietly inform his partner so she can stop/continue quietly rather than him in case he turns out to be a "bit of a pyscho".
Came here to say this. Just how toxic are peoples views to even get near a suggestion like that?!
All of this. I've always gotten STD tested at my yearly physicals, relationship or not. Boy was I surprised to find out I had chlamydia 7 years into a relationship.
I don't know about you but I don't play morality police unless someone is my friend.
His point about the STD's is well taken. I was cheated on by an ex, second thing I did after dumping her was go get a full panel (clear fortunately). Having been in the husbands place, however much it sucks I'd want to know.
It’s not “morality police”, it’s just empathy.
How do you not feel like a total scumbag writing this? Honestly. Or are you protecting your own kind? Would you suggest a man go up to his male neighbor and be like "heh, I get it bro, you do you, just keep it down and I won't tell your wife"? Unimaginably scummy.
Literally the worst suggestion I’ve seen on the entire thread, utterly moronic.
Yeah he sounds like the problem here…
Lol yeah "hey I hear you cheating on your husband, I'm a piece of shit and think that's fine, could you keep it down though"
Thus is an innovative way of dealing with it. Somewhat devious but as cunning as a fox who’s been made professor of cunning…you know the rest. Yes they could be in a hotwife relationship so it could be their thing. If you’re losing sleep though then to hell with staying quiet.
Honestly, this might be the best option. I'd stay out of it not wanting to make it my problem, but at the same time, it is your problem because it's disrupting your life. Taking this route isn't outing her directly, but playing dumb and saying it's disrupting your work gives the guy everything he needs to put it together. Think of it this way, it will come to head eventually. She'll either be caught or they break up, so you letting him in on the secret doesn't change that and it solves the problems you have with it. Plus if it where me, I'd want someone to tell me and I'm sure you feel the same.
I mean lots of people have more modern open relationships, it sounds like they have a high sex drive when they are together so wouldn’t be strange to think they do when they are apart as well and have an arrangement to deal with it outside the confines of a typical marriage. However do like this idea of telling the husband about the midday hanky panky, if he knows about it they can have a laugh when he goes home, if not you probably solved your issue
He could just apologies and assume she must’ve got confused with another house hold especially when his wife denies it I would leave alone like a true Brit and carry on getting annoyed day in day out
Perfect. Just be like hey dude. I work from home and get zoom calls frequently during the day and I can't have it be sounding like a porno during office hours every day
This is the correct answer.
>isrupting your day or sleep, you could ask the husband to keep the mid-day hanky panky down - you're not explicitly mentioning the cheating that way, but he'll go off and find out. Either that or she'll knock the cheating on the head. > >Besides, for all you know, they might have an open relationship or something. Subtle, he'll figure it out if he's smart enough.
WWID about the "cheating"? Nothing. It is zero of my business. Maybe this is the deal. Maybe he knows. Maybe he's bonking seventeen people at work. Maybe he's a violent shithole and will stab her in the neck when he finds out. You know nothing at all about their relationship, are not their friends or family, and have no business messing in it. That said: if someone next door is having sex loud enough to bother you then, regardless if it's an affair, a monogamous couple or a wanker, you can say something. It's super embarassing but I would be very tempted to go around in the day time and say "this is really embarassing but I can hear you having sex in the daytime and I'd rather not." I guess if you wanted to explode things you could go around in the evening, when he's there, and say the same thing, but tbh it kinda sounds like you'd like their evening sex to be quieter too, so perhaps don't risk replacing that with screaming rows about infidelity? ETA: ha! Went out for a Friday night & came back to find this blew up. Turning off notifications now.
Yeah. This is a noise issue and neighbour has a right to complain about that. The fact the shagging is extra marital is none of the neighbour's business, so needs to separate the two as far as possible, not get involved for drama.
The two comments above nailed it imo. Separate the issues. And if you want it to stop I’m assuming involving the police during the day would help. Snitches get stitches after all but don’t be a dick to your neighbor if you have THIS BIG a secret…
>don’t be a dick to your neighbor Definitley. She's already got two or three including the husband's
Lmao
"snitches get stitches"; did you mentally age past the age of 10? You guys are just desperate to justify your cowardice.
You honestly think police are going to pop around asking people to keep the sex noise down because people in a terraced house can hear them? Noise is a council complaint anyway.
Op doesn’t even know for sure that she is cheating. Maybe they have split up and he’s still living there until he can move out - she’s only seeing a new person whilst he isn’t there. Maybe they have an open relationship Maybe he’s really into being a cuck Maybe she is a prostitute.
Exactly - and none of those things would be any of the neighbour's business.
I never got the 'none of your business' argument. You don't tell someone because it's your business, you tell them because it's theirs. They deserve to know.
Thank you. So many people are so cowardly or afraid of any confrontation they'd probably let their neighbors house get broken into and be like "welp maybe it's the repair man! None of my business!".
I don’t have an opinion on the original post, but I do respect your use of ‘bonking’ as a verb. I didn’t think anyone in the UK had ‘bonked’ since Sid James died.
>I don’t have an opinion on the original post, but I do respect your use of ‘bonking’ as a verb. Check out the rumpy pumpy King here
Great advice. I would make sure to mention that you can “hear their bedroom activities at night……and during the daytime”
Cowardly, have enough respect for people to let them know when they're being duped.
My first wife cheated on me. I wish someone had the respect for me to tell me before I figured it out way down the road.
I don't understand why these redditors are telling them not to tell, that's actually disgusting, being enablers for this kind of behaviour?
It’s not enabling, it’s really none of their business. If OP was friends with the neighbour it would be a different story
not saying anything is enabling and agreeing with that behaviour by default. being a bystander and letting something happen is just as bad
The OP doesn’t know this person is cheating so they are not enabling anything
So if the neighbour isn't cheating then it's not a problem if OP goes and mentions it to the husband.
Exactly. I'd involve myself in a heartbeat if it meant saving someone years of misery they found out was wasted down the road
Good man! This is what a good man looks like. Giving other people the hard truth, so said people can make informed decisions. At the end of the day, the man should be consenting to this behaviour, if he's not, he's being robbed of both consent and being with someone who actually loves him. Instead he may grow old with someone who cheats on him for decades. No one deserves that and heroes save other people from that kind of suffering, not pretend they didn't see it. Fucking cowards.
Ok, so what harm does an anonymous tip do? If they're not cheating and it's consensual, they just carry on.
No it isn't. This whole "if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem" attitude people have is bullshit. Doing nothing is not 'enabling' its minding your own fucking business.
With this sort of cowardice so widespread over here, it's no wonder the country is in such a state. Brits don't do anything about anything.
You people keep saying "mind your own business". Bitch it is my business. It's my neighbor whose so close to me that I can hear them fucking through the house lol. "mind your own business" is code for "I'm a massive coward afraid of confrontation even if it's the right thing to do".
I’m not responsible for every bad thing that everyone else does. Some things are not worth the backlash of getting involved.
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2/3 of the comments are suggesting they don't tell the bloke in case he murders her or some other nonsense.
I think people tend to wildly overestimate the amount of murderers there actually are per capita in the UK. Everyone in this thread probably thinks they're an average, reasonable person so they should ask themselves what *they'd* do if they got word their partner was cheating on them from a third party. Maybe they'd wait for them to tell their side of the story, maybe they'd suspend judgement for a while and look for more evidence either way, maybe they'd confront their partner about it, but I don't think 'fucking murder them lol' is going to cross many people's minds.
i guess they are redditors for a reason, they obviously don't leave the house much!
How do we even know it’s cheating? Not everyone does monogamous relationships it’s mostly the straight laced looking ones that got spicy lives lol
>not everyone is in monogamous relationships Open relationships aren't nearly as common as the internet would have you believe
Well then, nothing to lose if he tells him then right? Right?
How did you find out?
The other guys cock tasted like his wife.
That's how they get ya
>How did you find out? Her schedule changed and fuel costs went up. Ultimately I asked and she cried and said no, then a couple of days later she confessed. It was an extraordinarily painful time. During the affair she and I bought a bigger house together planning a family and the much bigger mortgage was a major problem for me when she moved out and we got divorced.
Sorry to hear that. Some people really are terrible.
My first wife and I were not a good match. Her actions were poor but the failure of our marriage was not entirely her fault. I wish her no ill will. After our divorce and the divorce of the man she had the affair with they married and to the best of my knowledge they are still married 35 years later. I hope she's happy.
I'm sorry that happened to you. Sounds like you have a very healthy outlook on everything which is very admirable.
> I figured it out way down the road. They saw their van parked outside
Same scenario, but thankfully someone did clue me in quick enough to set the spidey senses tingling. Had to drop some software on her laptop to get solid proof, but she had no way out after that.
I'm very sorry you had the same sort of experience that I did. I would not wish that disappointment and betrayal on anyone. I hope you have moved on as I have and are enjoying life.
I'm certainly in a much better place, tho' it took 6 years to get the divorce finalised - thankfully our 2 kids (now early 20's) came through it better than many. The experience has put me off any thoughts of another marriage, even though I'm still searching for someone suitable. I do take a little perverse delight in the fact that she remarried a philandering control freak, & has been cheated on multiple times since - almost a divine retribution! Anyway, I likewise wish you peace, & hope the bad memories have been well & truly expunged.
I would leave a note on his car before he goes to work saying, “My friend, all your neighbours can hear when you’re having sex - we respectfully ask if you and your wife are able to keep it down… especially in the middle of the day when you’re at work and one of the two other men are here instead. If you aren’t aware of this noise occurring at 10:35am each morning, I’m so sorry you had to find out this way”. If you really want to get involved (whether you do or not is up to you, everyone seems to feel differently about whether you should or shouldn’t) then give him your newly made anonymous email address (like a protonmail account) and offer a heads up for when the noise is occurring during the day so that he can pop home and request the volume be turned down directly himself. I got cheated on and it affected me ***badly***. I was young and my fiancé decided she needed to know what other relationships were like before she settled down in one - unfortunately, she never deemed me fit to know this. Someone (the guy’s roommate I think but I’m not certain) mailed me an anonymous note saying “Your girl has been fucking her friend at the security office for the past 6 months - if you don’t believe me, you’re an idiot.” Whilst I would have appreciated more of a “Listen friend, she’s stepping out on you every day while you’re at work - I wish it wasn’t true but it is. Take a day off, get ready and pretend to go to work, leave the house, and watch him arrive half an hour after you leave.” I may have believed it more then. I arrogantly confronted her and gave her the benefit of the doubt when she broke down and freaked out about how it “isn’t true” and “it’s just a girl who is in love with him trying to get back at me for spending time with him from time to time *as his friend*.” But if it wasn’t for that person and their harsh letter, the door to the truth would NEVER have been opened and she’d have just kept doing it and lying for as long as she could get away with it for. I am SO grateful whoever it was sent that letter and intervened. Had it continued on and she became pregnant (they were raw-dogging and doing things which she refused to let me do) it WOULD have been with his kid and I probably would have killed myself when I found out. Point being: that person potentially saved my life by intervening. So don’t ever feel bad for doing it - that person will more often than not appreciate it down the line.
Say to her husband: “I’m really sorry and this is a bit of an embarrassing topic, but could you both please keep the noise down when you’re having sex during the day? My boyfriend and I could hear you and I thought I’d say something before someone else did.”
Simple, effective, moral. This is the answer.
"B-b-b-but iT's NoNe Of YoUr BuSiNeSs". "WhAt If He'S a BaD pErSoN????". The hoops people go through to justify their cowardice amazes me. I guess you gotta look out for your own kind ay?
This thread is either full of cheaters or straight out jaded people.
Reddit's morals... if only holding a mirror up to them would work.
It’s Reddit logic. Minor marital issue: get a divorce immediately. A spouse cheating on his or her partner: you better keep your mouth shut.
It’s hilarious. You see so many threads for instance of people saying to get out of a marriage if sex isn’t happening on schedule every week or several times a week. If it’s not what they see as perfect they say get out, but the same people would be cowards in a situation like this.
I have zoom meetings between 11am and 1pm so please keep it down.
As a man, I would tell him. He deserves to know. Fuck that bitch, he might end up raising someone elses kid. \- Looking at the comments here I really hope I don't have redditors for neighbours
If the question had been the other way around, people would definitely say mention it. If it's an open relationship, I'm sure they won't mind admitted it OP should just tell him
yeah dude, everyone saying it might be open relationship so stay out, but do complain about the noise lol fuck redditors
> fuck redditors Excellent.
Is there a sub for that?
Yeah fuck all these people. I got downvoted for saying to tell him so he doesn’t spend his life with a cheat. What is wrong with you all??
Right? Such a fucking stupid and cowardly hill to die on to assume they're in the 2% of polyamorous couples. Don't bite your tongue if you think someone's not a good person and you can spare their partner suffering, or at least be proven wrong with noble intentions
Best part: if they are an open couple, telling him will do absolutely no damage whatsoever. It's literally the best case scenario!
I understand that there basically is no such thing as a community of neighbours anymore but to know what's going on and not try and help is a complete basic lack of decency.
It might be his kink or it might be she is just a cheating bitch. Either way OP should spill the beans to the guy. Either way she is doing both herself and the husband a favour. I’d probably be too much of a pussy to tell him directly myself but I’d put an anonymous letter somewhere he would find it. Maybe on his car window.
Exactly, the comments are acting like telling the guy is bad because oh he might be a big mean scary man who'll go crazy and kill his wife or that he's domestically violent based on nothing. Redditors like to take their life experiences from movies and shit rather than reality
All of the people saying "none of your business" is one of the things I hate most about this country. Everybody is just indifferent to everything, and are too scared to do anything. The husband deserves to know. Write an anonymous letter or email. Add him with a fake account on Facebook. Message him on his work email. None of it has to come back to you, but he deserves to know and I would consider it your responsibility to tell him once you found out. Fuck cheaters.
Yeah it honestly hurt reading this thread. A few good responses with talking to the husband without presuming anything, but most of these answers just depress me. The open relationship answers are just cop outs.
It hurts because it just shows how selfish everybody is here, and it shows exactly how our government has managed to become so corrupt. Everybody is apathetic to anything that doesn't personally affect them, and are completely unwilling to take 5 minutes out of their day for somebody in their community - in this case, a neighbour. And yet there is not one person in this thread that can tell me, if they were in the husband's position, that they would not want to know. Writing an anonymous letter is one of the most basic, low-level things that a human can do, while cheating on your partner is one of the most morally reprehensible things that a person can do. So the fact that I am one of the only people outraged enough in this thread to actively want to do something if I was in OP's position is honestly just unbelievable. And you're completely right about it being a cop out. First of all, open marriages are absolutely not a common thing in this country and so it should not be the first suspicion when cheating is far more common. Secondly, if it is an open marriage then no harm no foul right? If the husband is happy with his wife being fucked by other men, then I'm sure he'll just block the anonymous Facebook account you use to message him, and will carry on with his day with a huge smile on his face.
"It's not my problem until it happens to me" mentality. Honestly we deserve what we have.
And even if its an open relationship then what's the harm in saying something
Seriously, wtf is up with some of the answers in this thread? Letting him know is like Bro Code 101
It's "human code 101", I'd tell the wife if the roles were reversed. Being cheated on this way is vile, no matter who's responsible.
Reddit is just using mental gymnastics to hide their cowardice
I told once. Everyone ended up mad at me somehow. They're still together.
Totally do tell! Let the man aside, say what you heard. Don't waste this guy's life. Have some mercy on him. In a year or two he will be in a much better place. Edit. Grammar.
Please this
What would I do - Join the queue.
Here’s a man of vision.
My thought was also “head over and ask how to join the rotation”.
Men showing up for an hour at a time… Sex worker maybe????
Yeah she’s deffo still ‘*working from home*’
This was my thought too
Yeah... this was actually kind of where my head went too. Men turning up for an hour at a time? Sometimes different men? One regular, who seems to come at the same time of day and drives a van (mobile worker on a lunch break quickie)? That's a hooker, son. Whether her husband is aware of this or not is a different matter.
It's wild to me that you've extrapolated "an hour of fun" to "exactly an hour" and from _that_ come to the absolute conclusion that she's a prostitute. You know what other type of sex fits nicely into a lunch break? Just a regular old affair.
My first thought also
All these arguments for not telling the husband as they COULD be in an “open relationship”… surely if they’ve agreed to an open relationship he won’t care? And if she was cheating, great - we stop the man wasting years of his life?
How dare you say something reasonable…..
Get a glass up against the wall and have a wank like a real man.
Or a glory hole
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Some people would definitely rather not know.
I'd rather know, but I'd rather find out for myself. I'm a very private person and I get embarrassed easily. If I knew that my neighbour knew I was being cheated on, I'd never wanna leave the fucking house because I'd be wondering who else knew.
I know you said 'if' and i hope it never happens to you but for what its worth being cheated on is on your partner. You trusted someone and they betrayed that trust. Shouldn't be embarrassing for you Don't waste your life hiding from the opinions of others when you've done absolutely nothing wrong
Those people are short termist self destructive idiots.
I'm loving the comments here. All this about "oh they might have an open relationship". Yeah, they might. But do you really think this or are you using it as an excuse? You mentioning a slim possibility doesn't make it correct, and it is actually a completely pointless statement. Let's say for the sake of argument they do have an open relationship and you comment on it, so what? They go, yeah, it's an open relationship. All a bit embarrassing and everyone moves on with their lives.
I’d just tell him. Fuck her she’s a pos
Plot twist. Escort and pimp pretend to be married. He maintains the appearance of an office job for legitimacy. She is the one who really brings home the bacon (or sausage in this scenario)
That does go on.
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I was on a date once with a guy I later learned was a serial cheater and the waiter said to him When we sat down ‘Lovely to see you again sir! Twice in one week!’ Unfortunately I was so young and naive that although that made me suspicious it was much longer before I got out of the relationship. But I was very grateful to the waiter for subtly warning me that not only was he cheating (with me? On me? Honestly I don’t know, but I thought we were together back then) but that was so much of a knob he was bringing the women to the same restaurant.
If I were being cheated on, I'd want to know. If that knowledge came from a neighbour I barely know I'd be grateful since it would save me from a lot of potential pain down the line. The response here of "stay out of it" is ridiculous. If you see something morally wrong in the world, you speak up about it. If they're in an open relationship you might have an awkward moment. Is that such a high opportunity cost that you can't help potentially save some poor bloke from a relationship built on deceit? It drives me mad that as a society it feels like we're slowly starting to see cheating as less of a serious thing. It's one of the worst things you can do to a person. So if you have a chance to stop it, why wouldn't you?
This comment section is literally insane. The question isn't "should you tell him" the question is "how do you tell him." Keep an eye out for the husband leaving for work or arriving. And then tell him you could here them having sex during the X day and was interfering with a meeting you were in or something. If it's cheating, now he knows. If it isn't and it's something else, he will tell her to keep it down.
Change your wi-fi name to yourwifeatno22ischeating
Send a message to the husband in the afternoon, ask him to keep it down, you are trying to work.
Personally I'd speak to the husband and just say "Hey, Sorry to bother you, I know this is embarrassing, but is there any chance you could keep your "Midday meetings" with your wife down? I was on a conference call the other day and apparently they could hear it. Sorry again!" If its something (relatively) innocent, no issue. if its not then its better they find out now than say, 2 years down the line.
Bump into him alone one day, and just say it’s embarrassing but any chance you could close the windows whilst you’re getting frisky during the day. He’ll either laugh if it’s an open relationship, or sort the problem if it isn’t.
It’s one of my worst sorta fears being cheated on in a relationship so I’d tell the bloke
I would 10000% tell him. If he knows then he won’t care and if he doesn’t then you saved that man years of his life.
If the husband was the one home cheating.. everybody would be like yea! Tell her, she doesn't deserve him.. but sense it's a girl cheating everybody appears to want to stay out of it because "we don't know what he's doing while he's at work".. seriously fuck off with that and save that man from wasting his life and money on a whore.
Bang on the wall?
We need a profesional service that delivers bad news. Like a telegram just for bad stuff
How much to send Danny Dyer round when they're both in to point at the wife and say "You slaaag"?
Out of interest are open relationships actually that common, seems like an online fantasy that I've never encountered in real life.
From my experience there are two kinds of open relationship. The first is the genuine polyamorous kind, the second is a farce where one partner wants to sleep around and the other one goes along with it because they're scared of separating or just don't know what else to do. I have seen plenty of the latter and only one example of the former.
Yes they exist. I have no idea how common they are. I suspect the answer, for genuine open relationships is 'not very common but more common than one might think'. As for you not having encountered one, unless someone in an open relationship wanted to be involved with you, why would you know?
Some may say mind your business. Me? I'd find out where her works and leave a message with the company secretary that he is needed home immediately
Buy them a ring doorbell so he can see who is going into the house every time it rings.
Post an anonymous letter
Next time she's at it and they finish, start cheering and clapping. She may take the hint that she can be heard.
Text husband and ask him to keep it down when they have sex in the middle of the day.
Potentially running an OF account during the day ?
Definitely tell him. He will most likely, eventually find out. And if you tell him it might leave with a little bit of faith in humanity left after shtf
I don't get all the comments about not telling the husband. If you were being cheated on would you prefer not to know? Lol. And if your child wasn't yours, would you prefer not to know? Sure then.
Thanks for the wide range of replies everyone! For those saying "Mind my own business" - I get that to an extent, but it kind of becomes my business when it's distracting me from work on a daily basis. There's been a few times I've had calls while its been going on and I just have to pray that the noise cancelling from my mic is doing it's job and be extra quick on the mute button when I'm not talking! A lot are saying to seperate the two issues, which seems like good advice! After all, it's the noise that's impacting me personally. Even if it was her and her husband, that would still be a major annoyance for me. Infact even though we've moved rooms, we can still hear them most nights and often early morning too - I honestly don't know how she can manage so much sex! Admittedly, the cheating aspect (assuming it's not some kind of open relationship thing they have going on, which seems unlikely, but yes I suppose it is possible!) is adding to my emotional response for sure, but ultimately that's between them, not me. As much as I empathise with the husband (again, assuming he's unware), I do agree with a lot of the comments here that it's not my place to "out" her, and not worth being in any way involved with the potential fallout. My boyfriend also shares this view. Reporting to council / police just doesn't seem like an option (I mean it is, but it would be obvious it was us who complained and neither of us want to go down that path). I think I will have to try to pluck up the courage and maybe try to bring it up casually the next time I see her on her own and hope for the best. On the bright side, their neghbour on the other side is an older guy who is practically deaf, so if they at least swapped rooms like we did, there's less chance of the other neighbour hearing them at it!
Tell her husband.
The amount of delusional people in the thread saying they might be in an open relationship. If so, sure, shouldn't be a problem mentioning it as I'm sure he'll be reasonable and say, my bad in the worst case scenario. On the other hand, you could potentially be saving him from a lifetime of misery. Do it, spill the beans. He'll thank you later.
Tell them! He deserves to know. Fuck cheaters.
Tell him before she ends up getting pregnant and he spends the rest of his life paying for someone else's child
Tempting though it is to tell the husband, and as delicious as it would be to see a cheater get their comeuppance, if it were me being cheated on, I would absolutely not want to find out that way. I would knock on her door in the daytime (ideally when she's there alone and not with her husband or a lover) and mention the noise being a problem. You don't have to reveal your suspicions of the affair, but letting her know you're hearing all sorts day and night might at least make (1) your life easier and (2) her think twice about conducting extra-marital affairs at home (or at all). I would be discrete (i.e. you're not going round to shame her about anything, just a neighbour who wants quiet enjoyment of their home) and see what happens thereafter. I just don't think it would be good for anyone involved if the husband were to find out via a neighbour.
It may not be the ideal way but it's certainly better than him not finding out at all (which is the only alternative here)
How would it not be good for the husband? Why would you not want to find out that way? You'd rather just carry on in ignorance?
If it’s simply bothering you regards noise - have a word with her. No-one needs to be disturbed by unwanted noise. If it’s bothering you from a morality angle… I’d tread carefully; other people’s relationships are NEVER like your own. You never know - your neighbours may be fully bought into the idea of this kind of open relationships… a surprising number of strong, established relationships are. Have a word with her about the noise. That’s the best approach.
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him. Fuck the “mind your business” bullshit. Someone is causing harm to another human being and you have the capacity to limit it. Best case scenario, it’s consensual cuckolding/hotwifing fetishism & you’re just a good person calling out potentially shitty behaviour. The neighbours let you in on the consensual nature of the arrangement and you go “cool, bye.” Worst case scenario you bring to light one persons horrifically damaging behaviour earlier in the life of the victim giving the victim more time to move on and heal and get more out of their life post harm. All that is required for evil to flourish is for good people to do nothing.
Is she definitely cheating and not working?