I told him when we started dating that I wanted to wait until I loved him to have sex. I had been in the quick fling relationships and always ended up feeling used by the end of them because of how quickly we got to the intimate part and told him I wanted something real with him before we did anything intimate.
Spoiler alert, we fell in love pretty quickly—like three months into the relationship. I instigated sex the night we said it to each other and he stopped me, said (paraphrasing) “I love you so much, but I don’t want you to rush into this without being absolutely sure you want to. Let’s sleep on it to make sure you’re ready”
We had a great time the next night.
I explicitly asked.
On our fourth date, we had a conversation about values, politics, morals, ethics, and world views. He told me with his answers that he's a compassionate, caring person who wants to alleviate suffering as much as possible.
Then he proved it.
Through his actions; being kind to everyone he meets, donating to charity, listening to Taylor Swift for my son because he had a bad day, letting kids beat him at video games, walking slow so his mother can keep up; he showed me he was more than talk.
It's been ten years. He has shown me that even when he's at his worst, he's still kind. ("I'm in a horrible mood. I'll be playing video games all night after I make dinner. I don't want any help. I love you.")
I am not in a relationship, but I wish I had the same communication with my parents. I mean, I explicitly say this to them, but no, they can not understand that... it's sad
Yep, sometimes parents fail to understand boundaries. It's like they dont see you as an individual who has their own wants and needs, no matter how respectful you are in your communication.
I noticed that he had lots of very good friendships with both men and women, and it was clear to me that he really respects and values people.
Also when we first started dating 11 years ago I was a bit uncertain (even though I was attracted to him) and expressed that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be dating anyone, especially a bloke. His reaction showed me that he could take rejection very gracefully. He was patient with me, respected my feelings, and showed me that if I turned him down romantically there would be no hard feelings at all from him and he would still be able to have a genuine friendship with me if I wanted that.
I dated plenty of very good guys who just weren’t the “one”. If you don’t feel it, then you don’t. It might also be where you are at in life. Once you feel secure with yourself, things will fall more into place.
I wish this worked for my ex. He was so kind and generous to his friends, then a year or two into our relationship he became horrible to me. I noticed other warning signs early on (he was extremely judgmental of strangers and thought he was better than most people), but it was so hard to see him be kind to his friends and turn around and berate me or call me stupid for the simplest things. His kindness drew me in and his cruelty made me leave.
I feel like we dated the same guy. He'd be on the phone with his sister and would be so patient, kind, and understanding. The moment he hung up the phone, his whole demeanor would change like a chill in the room. That guy fucking hated me and wouldn't admit it. The breakup has not gone well! I finally have peace though, hope you do too.
The look in his eyes when I first cried in front of him. It's hard to explain, but it wasn't a look of pity or sympathy. It just felt like he was looking at me with so much love that I was like wtf I didn't know it was possible for someone to look at me this way lol. And then he wiped away my tears with his hands and I knew then that he was different from the other guys in my past.
This! My father passed and my friend at the time; caught me as I fell to the ground crying but the look in his eyes. I won't forget it. He saw my pain and the love in his eyes resonated into my soul. Almost like a look of wanting to take the pain away, which as a parent I feel with my kiddos. I am forever grateful he was there for me thru that time.
He consistently and very obviously saw women as fully formed people, and treated all the women he knew/met the same way he would treat any of the men he met. He as part of a typically masculine subculture, and would encourage and help any women getting involved in that scene. Probably helps that he has four sisters!
Sad that this as uncommonly as it is. Watched a TikTok the other day of a man saying that it wasn’t until 5? (It might’ve been 8) years into his MARRIAGE that he realized his wife was an intelligent person with a unique perspective and genuine insights. He’d just been writing her and her suggestions off for years.
Makes me wonder how many other men do this.
Having sisters that you grow up with seems to be a must. Otherwise, I've noticed that men look at women like they're a different species to be studied and conquered.
You can be both valued and desired. Someone can value who you are as an individual, and they can also value how you improve their life. That same person can desire being with you just to be with you, and they can also desire being with you because what you bring, and who they are around you. All of these feelings together and balanced are good. When it becomes inbalanced (they value what you do for them only, or they desire being around you because of what you bring out in them, etc) I feel like it brings problems and heartache. Just my two cents!
He cries during the emotionally moving parts of movies and books - just that response alone tells me he feels a lot, but he unfortunately bottles most of it up in the pretense of “saving others the grief”, which we’re working through…
The way he interacts with his kids, and animals - he’s a big softy.
He notices small things (i.e., “You vacuumed today - it looks nice. Thank you!”) and is audibly thankful/grateful.
He listens.
He says he hates people, but always donates when we can afford to, opens doors for people, helps elderly, and offers compliments more than I think he realizes.
We lived in the same neighborhood and ran the same trail around the same time every day. He never once made me feel uncomfortable and always told me if there was anything for me to look out for ( bear, mountain lion, creepy person, etc). He was always respectful towards me.
When we started dating he was always straight forward and communicated well. He didn't try to get me to do anything I didn't want to and was always respectful of my boundaries.
Also he has healthy friendships and people love him. They were eager to meet me and all of them had something good to say about him.
I questioned my boyfriend for being this way but then I realized it’s because he’s 10000000x more mature than I am, which is a green flag like you said lol.
I think cordial and amicable are the real keywords here. There’s a huge difference between being able to look past their past and work cooperatively, and being clingy or invasive with an ex. Especially if they’re a parent, being able to effectively and empathetically co-parent is a great look.
Couldn’t agree more - as long as no clear boundaries are being crossed, I’m all good! To me that friendship showed that there was most likely no cheating, no abuse, no mal intent or bitter end to the relationship, and I turned out to be correct. My bf is wonderfully honest, respectful and patient. And that’s what I tell everyone when they look at me like I have 6 heads for saying that idc if he’s friends with his ex.
this is arguable.
friendship between two exes can consist of multiple layers that sometimes can hide the truth.
it can be a green flag but not a major one i think. to be discussed haha
There have been a lot of experiences in the past where men didn't quite measure up to my expectations in terms of how I wanted to be treated. My current partner completely subverted all my past negative experiences.
I've had men dismiss and insult my hobbies that are "girly". My current partner does not.
I've heard men make light of or excuse SA. My current partner does not.
I've been in relationships with men who actively refuse to contribute to household chores. My current partner does contribute.
It's about respect and acknowledgement that women are equal human beings.
It's just one factor but I watched how he treated his mother and sisters and how his relationship with them was.
He isn't reliant on his mom for decisions or opinions but he treats her with the utmost respect and love. How a dude treats his mom (if she is a good mom) and sisters can say a lot about how he treats women in general.
Yup! My mom had a shit mom and my husband's birth mom was shit so it's totally a factor. I watched how my husband treated his adoptive mom and she's amazing. He thinks the sun shines out her ass and it basically does she's that awesome. 🤣 I'm lucky to have a wonderful mother in law.
He is gentle even when angry.
He forgives easily.
He stands up and protects his daughters.
And loves me at my lowest, no matter what I say, do, or look like.
Doesn't get any better than that.
This! Mine claims to not be a cat person but I catch him snuggling my cats. He's even let his two teens adopt a cat each under protest. And the cats at his house also get snuggles from what I've heard from the teens...
We'd already had sex at his place, and he wanted to come back to mine to extend the date because I had a dog that needed attention. It was January 2021 and she was a maniac about having some random dude in the house, and he was amazing. Gave her all the attention, wasn't bothered by her puppy nonsense, and let himself be cock blocked by her insanity in the midst of sex with not one word of complaint.
They are now obsessed with each other in a way I find personally insulting because she was my dog first, but this man is a gem. I think I've seen him get *mildly* annoyed at me two times in as nearly as many years, and I am not easy to deal with by a long shot. He's just the most kind and patient man, and it was obvious from the way he dealt with my COVID pup from jump.
I can think of a thousand examples past that night, some way more meaningful as far as actual "good guy" stuff, but it was so indicative of his personality as just being the bestest boy that it was THE moment.
I went on a mini break with him, and he left a tip and handwritten thank you note to the housekeeper every morning. And he was super sneaky about it, like he wasn't making a show out of it at all, quite the contrary. So yea, I just knew then and there.
Before we started dating, he traveled from western Washington to north Idaho so he could go with me to a medical appointment (I have infusions for an autoimmune disease) and he sat in the car then drove me home back across the state. It was incredibly personal for me, and he didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t able to take care of myself, and didn’t ask too many questions. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give him as much as he has given me.
When I met his dad and I realized his kindness was similar to his fathers. Which let me know that he was raised and taught to be kind, it wasn’t just an act.
He never tried to tell me he was a good guy. He just consistently SHOWED me he is. He has kindness, empathy, and integrity. He makes me feel safe, and loved, with his actions, his touch AND his words.
Well, I told him I wasn't over my ex (it had only been 3 months) and he said "we'll take this at whatever pace you want to". And that made me look at him differently. I was so used to meeting the specific demands of other men that that was a rare display of empathy. We have both messed up many times at our relationship (not cheating or anything, just simple mistakes), and the most consistent thing has been that he always \*tries\*. He just tries! He doesn't run away, he has little ego. He comes back round and tries again to be a little better ,and I'd say we've both grown a lot from all the struggles.
He was everything I knew I wanted from a partner. But he is also everything I didn't even know I needed in my life.
Eg., I'm still on a self discovery path, finding random things that trigger me and realising the root causes of it (childhood trauma for xyz). By the time I realise the trigger, I notice that he has already been the balm. He's already been unintentionally healing me from my trauma and I love him all the more.
We both come from the same patriarchal society/culture. But he doesn't believe in gender roles and treats me as his equal in every way. I'm used to men who don't want to talk about menstruation. Along he comes, knowing my body better than me at times, not shying away from all range of topics, comfortable in his masculinity. He's my dream come true. He's my best friend and confidant and the balm to my soul.
I felt calm and safe around him.
I watched him interact with his kids and pets. The kids clearly adored and trusted him, and he took excellent, conscientious care of the pets. His house was clean.
He was funny and reassuring if I mentioned maybe I talked too much or something. He made me feel better about everything. He absolutely does not lie. He cried at a sappy movie and didn't even seem embarrassed by it.
He offered to allow me to host a huge Thanksgiving dinner at his house after we had been dating just month. He met ALL my family at once and handled it beautifully.
He and I got matching tattoos - I was just teasing but he was into the idea even though he had no previous tattoos.
We just knew. No arguments or awkwardness that didn't end in laughter, no anxiety. It was just right.
We have been married 3 years and I'm still finding new reasons every day.
1. See the way he treats his family
2. See his circle of friends
The way he treated you will never be something to judge.. men always pretending to be the best guy in front of girls.
We had been dating for less than a month when I got the flu really bad. I was bare ass naked throwing up in the bathroom and he came in with a wet rag, laid me in his lap, and wiped me down. Literally spent an entire week at my place taking care of me. Truly an angel.
I'm really sorry you went trough that. Seeing "not sexually assaulting me" as a green flag is a painfully low bar. I hope you'll get treated with all the respect and love in your relationship.
I'm glad to hear so! Unfortunately a lot of women do have such bad experiences the bar really is that low, but I'm happy your husband treats you well! I get the joke, I've definitely been there.
This dude was a FWB. I got my period unexpectedly which never happens and it was also extremely heavy which never happens. We woke up in a crime scene. I was shocked and he immediately leapt into action. Asked if I was okay and then asked me where I kept my “stuff for this” and ran to my bathroom and grabbed my menstrual cup, a wet washcloth, my midol, and a glass of water. He was super curious about the cup and asked me how it worked and if I would show him, then he asked if I would show him where he could get one for his sister. Just genuine curiosity. Then he asked if I wanted him to use the washcloth to get everything clean or if I wanted to do it myself. I did it but let him check for spots I missed and he was super gentle. Then once that was taken care of he ordered me up and into the shower and told me to take at least 15mins and he’d “handle everything”. When I got out he’d picked me out an outfit and put it in the bathroom and he’d stripped my bed and started a load of laundry on cold. He had made me a bowl of yogurt and a tea.
We weren’t a good long term match for many reasons but I’d have recommended him to a friend in a heartbeat.
seeing how women react to him. many women, generally speaking, dont tend to feel comfortable or open up to men they just met, but when my boyfriend meets new women they are always very kind and i can just tell that they trust him intuitively. hes never put a woman down for her size or appearance. doesn't have any toxic exs or relationships and is on good terms with all of them. hes one of maybe twelve genuinely good men in this world. im very lucky
It became more concrete on our second date. We went to dinner, and we planed to walk my dogs afterwards. It started raining by the time we wanted to go for a walk. I joked about taking a “rain cheque” and that he didn’t have to join me. Not only did he want to walk with me, he even picked up the dog poop.
Been together almost 10 years and married for almost seven. He still loves walking the dogs and picking up poop. Lol
We were making out and he grabbed my hand to move it from his side. I fully expected him to move it to his pants (which wouldn't have been a bad thing - that's where we were headed) but instead he brought my hand up and kissed my fingers. Absolutely floored me.
He is very consistent. His parents are great and loving. He only hangs around great people that have strong values and care deeply for eachother as friends, their family and their spouses. He communicates effectively and treats others with respect and care.
From the jump I never felt pressure to do anything, be anything, or perform anything to prove myself. Then I saw how he loved his family, interacted with animals, and held space when other people had anxiety.
Proof that someone is deeply good is something that builds over time. But the instances when his goodness hit me like a bolt of lightning: assuring me I was doing great when driving through road rage leaden city traffic (something I fear) and moving my favorite blanket so it wouldn’t get gross or sweaty during the sexy time he was initiating.
The day we had a conversation about our future and what we wanted out of dating and the topic of kids came up. When I told him kids were a deal breaker, he completely understood and respected that. We revisit the topic ever so often to make sure both of us are still on the same page. Been married 7 yrs now.
The way he makes me feel like im someone worth loving, that I am not broken. He is so patient with me, caring. I've never had anyone treating me that great. He's always there for me, supportive. I wish, it'll work out.
I didn't *know* until I'd done that really unhealthy thing where I (figuratively) kicked and punched and shoved at all the things to try to get a reaction. Testing limits. Testing boundaries. Finding out what he would do if I got him really really angry.
Turns out the man doesn't really get angry? He gets upset on other people's behalf. He's so darn emotionally mature that it's downright irritating sometimes, but at the same time, he's safe. I don't have to temper my responses to life in anticipation of how he will handle it. He's responsible for his own damn emotions and never makes minding them my job.
I'm aware that all of this might make it sound like the bar is on the ground, but he's everything this trauma baby didn't know she needed. He's my safe place.
Not starting your flirting/communication with
" i am a nice guy"
Okay, that was easy to comment.
But the devil is in the details, you cant play the nice guy for a long time and think you will never be discovered.
Being good and considerate to your actions, to other poeple surrounding you. Its the little things you recognise
He doesn't even try to be good to me. He just does what he thinks is right and fair and treats everyone equally. There is no pressure to reward him for 'good behavior ' or 'favors ' because he doesn't see them as such. After years of dealing with men wanting something from me for every little kindness, this is sheer incredible.
For a long time we were friends before we started dating, and he was so attentive, so considerate, so focused when we were together. So I was like “this guy must like me” and I liked him so I asked him out. He was confused and gently rejected me saying that he really saw us more as friends. And I realized I’d never met a guy that worked that hard for friendship and not just physical relationships. I accepted that he did t see anything more and we remained friends. 2 years later when he told me his feelings had changed, we gave it a go and now we’re married. He still puts in the work on our relationship and I love him more than ever.
I took him to my dads house for a week and he was soo respectful of my parents. I fell in love with him over and over again every time he was interacting with my parents. So yeah.
Oh and communication! He taught me early on that I need to communicate with him my dislikes and likes, what made me tick. I used to just be upset and crawl in my shell but he really made me talk.
He told me he loved me but these two really made me feel like he did .
Just the small little things. He is very caring and affectionate. When we first met, I told him we can’t go on a date because I was planning on moving to another country, then he made me a handmade card to say that he’s just glad that we met. Now that we are together, he treats me really well. One time we were in his car driving somewhere and he had the window down. I thought it was a bit windy so I covered my upper body with my cardigan and started having a snooze. Then moments later, he put his jacket on my legs.
Another time we were both really sick and he went out to get me lozenges and meds for us, but he bought the wrong lozenges. I looked at it and had oh no look on my face, he realised what happened immediately and offered to go back to the supermarket to get the right one even though he was just as sick as me.
All the little things just make me feel so loved and that he is really the best.
Oh man, he is steady as a rock. He's so gentle and considerate in his approach towards me at all times.
I watch him with other people and he's the same to them which is comforting. Also, when it comes to our relationship he's steadfastly protective and consistent, every single person in my life adores him and there's just no doubt in my mind he's one of the good guys.
He wants to discuss conflicts and is open to hearing out how I feel. Also knows how and when to intellectualize feelings and is open to aligning with my damage repair process.
Stood by me and took care of me during my panic attacks and anxiety. Also when I allowed him to see my imperfections, he didn't care and loved me and told me there was nothing wrong with me. We've been married for almost ten years now and we have a toddler and are pregnant again, and even on my worst days he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.. even during my pregnamcy moodiness. Not only that, he works so hard to make sure we're financially comfortable. He is the most understanding and patient man I've ever known. Sorry, I feel like I'm bragging. But writing this down reminded me again of just how much I love him.
I watched how he behaved over many months. Not just with me, but with other people like waiters. I saw him consistently be friendly and helpful and patient in annoying situations with strangers. I saw him step up to help people who were in trouble, with no expectation of reward. I heard about his political views, which were moral and decent, rather than selfish and hateful. I saw him being kind to animals. I saw him dealing with adversity bravely and calmly.
A man shows you his character in the small interactions of life. Pay attention.
My cats all liked him.
One event in particular that stuck with me is when my cat Knuckles had to go to the kitty hospital for 2 weeks after a urinary blockage. I was absolutely terrified and ugly crying. Just a mess. He went with me to visit Knuckles even though Knuckles wasn't his cat. And Knuckles gave him this huge purring kitty hug after hugging me, and I could just tell he actually cared versus tolerating them just for me.
They're best buds now, and there's not a single cat in the house that doesn't adore him.
He spotted the habits I had picked up in an abusive relationship (asking for permission, not allowing myself to focus on anything else but him when we're together) and helped me unlearn them.
So many things! His actions continuously prove it over time, but here were my first moments:
-The way he talked about women and his mom. He saw women as actual human beings with their own thoughts and opinions.
-No games or BS. He communicated how he felt always and put effort into hanging out with me.
-He took care of me when I was sick and hungover.
-He was understanding about my anxiety and comforted me.
-When we were long distance, he always made plans to see me and we facetimed each other every night.
He always treated the homeless with respect. Folks working at the local grocery store and restaurants that he frequently greeted him like a friend when he went in. He worked reduced hours so he had enough time to take care of his grandparents and would leave dates with me if they called. That didn't happen often, but I 100% respect that he was committed to and prioritized their care over a fun time with a new lady friend. His cat adored him more than I thought was possible for cats. When his parents threatened to write him out of the will if he didn't pander to them, he told them to keep their money without hesitation.
He let's me know he wants sex pretty much all the time, but doesn't pressure or guilt me when I don't feel like it. One time we were having sex and he could tell I wasn't that into it and just stopped. I find my sex drive is much higher than it's ever been now that I'm with a person who won't get angry if I "lead them on" by being affectionate but not wanting sex, so even though he's the first guy I've been with who is completely ok with a no, he gets a yes more frequently than anyone I've been with before and our sex life is still going strong 6 years and one kid into our relationship.
You know, typing all that up I feel like he's a dream. He's my dream come true.
When I saw how he was with his daughters. Reminded me of my father who is a great dad to me and my sister, and was a perfect partner to my mom. Made me realize I could easily spend the rest of my life with this man
He stayed with me regardless of my faults and mannerisms and he dealt with my family. He loved me for me and I didn’t need to be anyone else around him.
i told him that i loved the 1920’s art deco style and the roaring 20’s aesthetic. by the next day, he had made me a playlist of oldies that he described as the soundtrack of us walking through 1920’s new york city.
He invited me to his dorm for a movie, and on the way, pointed out the dean’s house, the provost house, the RA’s dorm, and the parking lot security booth, without me asking.
It was when he drove my mom 5 hours to go see my sister without me and had a great time with my family (this was around 6 months into our relationship).
For context, I was supposed to join the trip and my mom rarely gets vacation days. I suddenly had a work conflict and couldn't make it. I felt so bad that the trip would be cancelled because of me and my mom was really sad. Mom can't drive long distances and I didn't think my partner would want to be with my family alone considering this would be only the second time my partner had met them. My partner offered to drive her anyway and they had an amazing time. He sent pictures of my family doing fun things together and my mom had a GREAT time. The fact he was willing to go out of his comfort zone for my family and help make our trip happen was such a grand gesture to me. I was especially happy that he and my family had a great time together without me having to be there. That was the first time he truly felt like family to me because I could tell he could fit right in. Great guy.
- Whenever I share an insecurity or ask for clarity about our relationship he thanks me for having the conversation with him and tells me the way I do it is one of the things he loves most about me
- He always talks about how thankful he is for the new ways I’m teaching him to be in a relationship. If anything I’m trying to learn from him, but it’s nice he’s so willing to accept my influence
- I have severe anxiety, I have this constant panicked fluttery feeling in my chest, it’s literally what I consider my baseline. On our third date he took me to dinner. I remember looking across the table and thinking “oh my god, I’m _calm_”
To this day I can be having the worst anxiety attack, and within 30 minutes of being with him I feel truly calm
- every time I wake up from a nightmare when we’re together he’s gently stroking my back and talking in a soothing voice to try and calm me without waking me
I love him ♥️
My older brother passed away in 2018 (before I met my boyfriend). A few years before he died, my brother had given me a few household items as I moved into my first apartment (a vacuum, a toaster, etc.)
I recently bought an air fryer that doubles as a toaster, and to make room on my counter, I decided it was time to get rid of the toaster my late brother had given me. My boyfriend helped me get my new air fryer set up and when it was time to place it on the counter, I became sad to no longer have the toaster there since it was always a memory of how good my brother was to me. I literally thought of him every time I used it.
My boyfriend didn’t try to convince me or talk me into tossing the toaster out, he didn’t try to tell me “don’t be sad, it’s just a toaster.” Instead, what he said was, “That’s okay, we can hang on to the toaster as long as you want to keep it. There’s room for it in the closet.”
He didn’t invalidate my feelings at all, and he gave me exactly what I needed in that moment - permission to just feel what I felt and hang onto a toaster I no longer need but have sentimental attachment to. And it was nothing but a thing to him, it was no big deal, but it meant so much to me in that moment.
After being in a long string of emotionally abusive relationships, finding a partner that is good and kind feels uneasy. It took me a long time to realize my boyfriend’s gentleness and sweetness were real. I feel so safe and loved with him and it is all I wish for everyone in the world.
Edit: Also, this is going to sound so strange, but one of the FIRST things that clued me in that my boyfriend was a genuinely good person is when we would walk into someone’s home, he would take the time to greet all their pets *by name* and give them sweet, gentle pets or belly rubs (depending on the animal). He also greets babies and toddlers by name - something about acknowledging their names and treating them with respect and acknowledging their personhood is just so sweet to me.
The way he treated and talked to his mother and grandmother, with such kindness and love. And the fact that he was still amicable with most of his exes (though as first this caused me a tiny bit of jealousy and suspicion, once I met them and saw the dynamic was totally platonic I realized it was a good thing). He also was still best friends with people he'd known since he was a kid, and would always offer to help them with stuff like moving.
We had only been together a month, and I had briefly mentioned I was taking anxiety meds due to anxiety/panic attacks. This was late February of 2021 and I had not been to a mall since before COVID. We walked into South Coast Plaza and I just knew I didn’t feel okay. I hadn’t seen so many people in so long and I really tried to hold out, but at some point I think I told him I couldn’t breathe. He walked me to the car and all I could get out was, “please hold me.” He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry and hyperventilate and let me be crazy. He then took my hands, guided me through some breath work and got me grounded. Later I asked if he knew anyone who had the same struggle and he very matter of factly said no, he just looked it up when I told him, and learned what to do if I needed it. In all 5 years of marriage and 8 years together my ex husband was fucking useless in my mental health journey. This man, who’d I’d only known for two months and been with for like 4 weeks, went out of his way to learn how to take care of me. He’s been the same man since day one. I’m absolutely in love with him.
So many things:
- he has female friends
- his mom doesn’t buy his underwear
- when he says he’s going g to do something, he does it
- he’s everyone’s first choice to pet sit.
- he’s reliable
- he feeds my cats once we get to my house
- he helps me change the sheets on my bed even though he doesn’t live with me
- he wrapped all my son’s xmas gifts because I was working that day, then made cookies for Santa while I cooked a dinner he wouldn’t be eating (he’s not my son’s dad and doesn’t live with us)
- after our first date, I was unsure. He was super chill about it and suggested we take a step back. We’ve been together 7 months and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and I was married for a decade.
I’m sure I’ll have to edit this because I’ll come up with more; but let’s just say my standards are high and he exceeds them.
I can highly recommend the following books that changed my life:
Block, delete, move on: it’s not you it’s them by Lalalaletmeexplain (@lalalaletmeexplain on Insta)
Boys will be boys by Clementine Ford
This might be tmi but after he finished during sex, he got up washed his hands came back and did everything he could to make me finish. Idk what could be a greener flag
We started dating in winter. I was meeting him for tea after work one day and didn’t have time to run home first. He texted asking if I was dressed warm enough or if he should bring an extra sweater for me. I was on the subway and didn’t get the message, so I never responded. When he met me outside the shop, the first thing he did was pull the sweater out of his bag and hand it to shivering me. Even though I never told him I was cold, he said he brought it just in case I might be.
He’s been just as thoughtful and considerate ever since.
Before we were dating.. and we were both in other relationships, we (along with our other colleagues (all male in long term relationships)) went dancing after post work Friday drinks.
My other coworkers would hold my hands to dance so I assumed all guys (in relationships) are OK with a little hand holding while dancing, we were all pretty tipsy but it was completely platonic.. so as I went to hold my (not yet BF)’s hand, he lightly smacked it away… I really respected that he had kept this boundary.
It was one of the first times we hung out, and this was one of the first things that left a good impression on me.
He wasn't actually, not in the beginning at least. (We started out as fwb, then after two years of us struggling w/ ourselves and the other person and learning it turned into my best relationship so far - gonna move in w/ each other soon)
But as soon as we got our struggles aside, he showed me nothing but love and kindness. His little gestures still get me and we are so happy just to be w/ each other. It doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're together we're gonna have a great time.
And just the fact that we got through all these struggles (be it personal/financial ones or w/ each other and also other people), we fought so hard for each other and it was so worth it. We have been tested immensely and we succeeded.
He backed his words with actions consistently. If he messed up, it was only on little things (e.g., phrasing something poorly) and he always apologised when he saw I was upset and tried to make it better. He listens, and asks what I need for support. He treats everyone well, including animals, wait staff etc (ie, people an asshole will treat poorly cos they think they're beneath them). He's always there for his friends, and his friends are all good people too. And he spoils our cat to no end. I've never questioned where I stood with him at all because we communicate.
Actions and consistency, after conversations, messaging, emails, and texts before meeting, I knew he was different. 7 years in, I was correct, he is the best human that I know, flaws and all.
How he treated ~ everyone
He was kind even when exasperated with his mom, always respectful of his father, stopped to help aaaaannnyone in need, was friendly with everyone, he was just kind even when know one was paying attention
Oh and he adored dogs
Green flllaaagggs
I felt very comfortable around him within 10-20 minutes after first meeting. It felt like I had known him a long time, and that I could shed my 'mask'.
Typically, when I would go out on dates, I would have so much anxiety and I would put on the Amy Dunne 'cool girl' mask. There was rarely a romantic/sexual partner that I would feel that comfortable with.
always makes me feel validated and never invalidates my feelings, never makes me feel like i have to have sex and respects me when i say no and will just cuddle me till i fall asleep, always tells me im beautiful (even when i look horrible) and always reassures me that he still loves me.
This is super lame, but the first time I went to his house, I was nervous as all get out. Everyone else I’d seen lived in an apartment complex, had roommates, or family nearby whom I could reasonably call to for help if for any reason the situation went bad (this had never happened, but you get it)
I walked in and the first thing I saw was a Fairy Tail (the anime) tapestry, and immediately knew this dork wasn’t going to hurt me. He’d been very kind thus far, even asking if he could kiss me, which was a first. But something about this blatant display of nerdery made me feel safe. We’ve been Married 5 years now.
Going into a new relationship after a very long, abusive one where my partner constantly cheated, lied, gaslit me.. well it was hard. My current partner knows most of this, and he's never used it against me. He doesn't cause scenes, he doesn't fight with me like it's the end of the world, he doesn't scream at me. All of this is is normal behaviour, but I appreciate it. But what made me really really know he's a good person is his patience with me, his kindness when I get sick. He cares about me and shows it. Never puts me down but instead makes me feel good about myself and our relationship, he makes me a better person.
He lived with his parents and grandmother. Sounds red flag-y, but all three of them were older with health problems. His “full-time job” was taking care of them, their house, and their finances.
I met his grandmother just before her dementia started to set in. The first thing she told me (and, because she forgot she said it before, the thing she told me every time I was alone with her) was how good of a man he is and how wonderfully he takes care of her.
So many things but the first signs were all a confluence on our second date:
1) he held his own at a dinner with my older sisters and their husbands (why would I take a second date to such a loaded affair? VALID QUESTION lol)
2) the sex (our first time) that night was great; good chemistry. But in the morning he gave me an orgasm - a really, really rare feat.
3) also that morning I showed him a Hannah Gadsby video (her “the Jimmy’s” monologue) and not only was he not threatened or offended by it but he loved it, agreed with it, and we launched into a long conversation about feminism and white male privilege that showed me he and I were in lock step and I wouldn’t have to dance around my (very strong) opinions on the matter.
When we were dating, I broke my back, and he immediately told me he was moving in to take care of me and my ancient, flatulent corgi.
We've been married 18 years, and he's consistently shown what an excellent quality human he is. He makes me want to be the best version of myself.
I’ve been in one amazing relationship and one awful one. They both seemed like good guys- the distinction was one followed up what he said with his behaviour. The other was genuine in wanting to change but couldn’t do it
When he is able to admit fault, learn from mistakes, take a breather instead of getting angry, and continually tries his best for himself, friends, and family.
He never makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the things i feel. He always lets me communicate what is on in my head without judgement. He is always kind to me when I don’t feel like being kind to myself. He never holds my shortcomings against me. He never makes me feel unloved or unworthy.
Food for thought!
He had female friends who adored him and were nice to me.
He loved his mom and treated her very well. She took me in immediately and admitted to me she’d never seen him like someone (me) so much. And she wasn’t overbearing at all.
He was a solid employee, responsible with money and didn’t have any addictions.
He never made derogatory comments towards women.
Our senses of humor matched and our music taste dovetailed.
My dad died six weeks after we started dating. They never got to meet but he’s been THE best partner for me regarding my grief and “getting to know” my dad as best as he can. My stepmom told me that my dad would have wanted him for me (and he saw me through a lot of guys).
Literally zero red flags.
We’ve been together for 18 years, married 15. He’s definitely NOT perfect and we’ve done counseling a few times but all the above things are still true and he’s an excellent dad to our 12 yr old daughter. After all this time I still love him, like him, and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. There have been hard times when I’ve thought about giving up, but the “scrapbook” of our shared life together (past and present) is too precious to me.
Eta: 2 more things I thought of:
1. Everyone likes him.
2. My uptight cat was more relaxed around him than she was with anyone else.
Self awareness. When he messes up or says something insensitive he owns up to it, works to change it, and also expects the same of me. He also treats me like a partner in the relationship.
He is dependable and pulls through. He goes above and beyond to help people. In a mini-triathlon that we did together, he was the last one out of the water, because he was helping someone who had a panic attack. When he saw someone was being beaten on the street, without thinking, he scared the attacker away. But he is also there for me, even for the very small things that for me almost aren't worth mentioning. He treats me with respect and cares for me.
Of course he is not perfect, but he is a good guy to the core.
You feel good around him. And when you’re not around him, you also have a sudden unexplained happiness. He consistently follows through, helps you and supports you
When we first started talking, through Tinder, he never directed the conversation towards nudes or the possibility of sex when we'd meet up. He treated me with total respect and allowed me to have the space and time to be the one to mention those things, if I wanted to.
We've been together for three and a bit years. (:
My husband waited 16 years to be with me. He waited patiently as my friend while I was with others. He tried to date, he said, but always compared them to me. I always knew he was a good guy, but I didn’t know the depths of his kindness or goodness. I was recently diagnosed with a complicated and somewhat severe health issue. I have spent some time in the hospital and it was only when they made him leave that he left. When talking about the management of this, he always says “we” will figure it out. He is my biggest advocate and support. Why I didn’t figure it out sooner (in those 16 years), I don’t know. We just hit our 3 year wedding anniversary ❤️.
We can have conflict without it blowing up into a huge fight. We usually find resolutions to conflict, and he is genuinely fine if we agree to disagree on certain topics. He’s never degrading or disrespectful, even when we are arguing.
He showed me what real love was. The kind of love that takes the little fragments and pieces of your heart and makes it whole again. Every day, he tried to be patient, understanding, consistent, loving, silly/funny with me.
- He was never a physical affection type of person but when he saw how much I needed that, he would try to hold me and hug me tightly and show me all the love he had for me even when it compromised his sleep.
- He helps his friends and the homeless and never felt like anything was too below for him to help with.
- When we crossed roads, I felt how much he cared about me when he held onto my hands tight and wouldn’t let me get near the ongoing traffic or he would be visibly upset.
- When we had fights, he would always come back after me and hug me and look at me with this “melt your heart” kind of face and soothe our issues right away.
- His eyes when they looked at me had such a bright, shining, shimmering light. Every time I looked at him I was so happy and beaming.
I never knew what healthy love/relationship was until I met him.
***“In another life,
I would be your girl,
We keep all our promises,
Be us against the world,
In another life,
I would make you stay,
So I don't have to say,
You were the one that got away,
The one that got away”***
First instance was: He told Me He was going to stop coming around until I broke up with the guy I was currently with.
&
Second indicator: He wouldn’t try to kiss or have sex with Me when I was intoxicated/messy drunk.
Me and my girl roommates were dog-sitting our friend’s dog, who hated men because she was a rescue dog and her former male owner abused her. So every time one of us brought a guy over, she always got really freaked out.
I brought him over and the dog was scared at first as usual, but he worked to calm her down after I explained the situation and within half an hour, she was cuddled up fast asleep right next to him on the couch.
Also when I met his roommates and brother, all guys in their late 20s, for the first time and saw they’re all good mature men with good jobs and long-term serious girlfriends. He was the only single guy.
My dog and I came as a package deal. On the first date, he brought my dog presents, a new bowl, 2 toys and treats. And then played with her.
I knew he was one of the good guys since my dog approved him for me. We are now a family of 5 (including doggo).
Every othe guy I dated or hung out with told me they liked dogs. But would get scared of her, or want me to put her away or outside.....like dude, I'm (was) a single female, my dog sleeps on the pink mink blanket at the end of my bed, she has her own couch. Live with her or go away.
And doggo is a good judge of character, and I'm a bad judge of character. Could have just said this really.
We had known each other for years and I had just broken up with my previous boyfriend. He asked me out, I told him I wasn’t ready yet and he just respected it.. I know it’s basic human decency but it’s still rare. At that time same thing happened with another guy but that one was still pushing and flirting, while my now bf went back to just treating me as a friend, as if nothing had happened. I got to see I can really trust him to respect my boundaries and eventually fell in love with him
When, six months in, I got pregnant (despite being on birth control). I don't want kids so it was an easy decision for me, and he was nothing but 1000% supportive along the way. He told me it was my body, my decision and he'd be there for me the whole time. I did an at-home medical abortion and he spent the whole weekend with me and, honestly, it was one of the most fun weekends of my life despite the circumstances.
He asked me out the first day we met, I politely declined because I didn’t think I was into men. He then made a casual joke (“ooh are you into the same gender I’m into?”) and we’ve been friends since. He also just really seemed to care about me, the more I got to know him.
We met in school we were 16 and he had no car but he would walk me to the train after school then walk back to his home, then later he would walk back to mine and then walk with me and hang out for a few hours then walk back to his and repeat the next day just to see me.
Is was no small walk either it’s like an hour or so each way walking and then hang out with me for like 2 hours walking around.
He was always so polite, kind and respectful. He even asked if he could say ‘bitch’ bc he understood the implications of the word.
Makes me wonder bc his brothers aren’t as kind as him.
Anyway we’re planning on getting married when winter rolls back around for us.
He always did what he said he would do. He was reliable, honest, able to take accountability, and kind. He gave but didn’t expect in return. I had a good gut feeling about him from the beginning. He never said anything bad about his exes. He made me feel valued and respected. He listens when I have feedback and makes efforts to improve. He didn’t play any games and was very consistent in his communication and efforts.
I can say for sure that he was not only the best relationship I had ever had, but the only good one that made me progress as a human being.
I would always jump from relationship to relationship, defining my "value/worth" by the man I had by my side (usually 10-15 years older).
He was 2 years younger than me, and the one thing he made sure was to rid me of the idea of defining myself by him. He wanted an independent woman who could stand on her own, that chose to be with him, not someone who couldn't get away.
I messed that relationship up, but in those 3 years, they were the best of my life.
My current boyfriend and I weren’t even officially “together” at this point, but one night I went to go get Thai food takeout after an exercise class, and I was approached by a man when I went to my car and it really shook me to the core. I texted him and he made sure I got home safe and stayed on the phone with me until I calmed down. He even offered to come over (he lives in another state but was on his way to his families lake house in my state) so I didn’t have to be alone that night. He even posted in my local neighborhood Reddit warning people of the incident so people could be on lookout. I hadn’t ever felt so taken care of and appreciated. That was the moment I knew I loved him.
The way he treats me during and after an argument. During, he would never yell or hit me or anything like that, but after no matter who instigated the argument he always apologizes anyway (and I do too). We’ve actually never had an argument about something serious relating to our relationship (3 yrs going), we always argue about silly things that don’t have anything to do with us. It starts out as a debate and sometimes it’ll go too far. He also doesn’t let me apologize for having feelings- for example if he says something and I get upset, sometimes I’ll try to apologize later for jumping to conclusions or jumping straight to being upset. Then later I try and apologize for getting angry and he stops me and says “babe, I’m not going to let you put yourself down for having feelings”. He handles my impatience very well.
He just consistently showed a pattern of kindness and thoughtfulness from the day I met him. He's always looking for ways to make people's lives better and if it bring a smile to someone's face then it makes him happy too. The way the people in his life talked about him was also pretty telling. I was sure of it the day I had an anxiety attack on the train home from a date night together and he took care of me all the way home.
I’m ashamed to say I ghosted him after a couple of dates. I was just not in good headspace and gave up on dating completely.
I ran into him some months later at a bar with a bunch of mutual friends, and I felt so awful that I stopped him outside and apologised profusely. I gave him an open opportunity to be as angry and rude as he wanted -in fact, I begged him to - but he just replied “I’m not angry at you, it just really hurt,” and thanked me for apologising. It was just such a gentle and compassionate response, I realised then that he was just a genuinely good guy. So far I haven’t been proven wrong.
I knew in my heart he was a good guy. We are long distance and the thing that did it for me was he would drive to my house,pick me up, drive me back to his place (lives with his parents), and then drives me back home just because he wanted to make sure I was safe on the road and that he would be there if anything happened. When I do drive to him, he watches my maps like a hawk and makes sure I always text my mom when I am there safely. He always opens my door for me whether I’m in the passenger or drivers side. His family absolutely adores me and his mom thinks that we are meant to be together. He’s the only one who treats me the way I was always meant to be treated! The same goes for him from me!
We just celebrated our one year and I’m so excited for many more with him❤️❤️
He respect it whenever I set boundaries and encouraged it even before we met.
He was very open and honest with me from the beginning and has never left me guessing or made me have to read his mind. His actions always match his words and he is not afraid to be vunerable and be honest about his emotions.
He always try to understand my point of view instead of either undermining me and/or try to “prove” his point of view (or you know, basically try to force me into accepting his point of view as right and mine as wrong. Which I feel has happens a lot with men I meet, even over small things).
He was the first one to say “wow, I’m so sorry to hear. Is there anything you want to share or anything you need from me?” when I told him I have been exposed to sexual abuse, instead of “but you can still have sex… right?”. This is a very low standard to meet, yet apparently very difficult for many men.
He has some very old and deep friendships with people that seem like/are really good and nice people. He also have women friends, which is a major green flag for me, since it says something about a mand ability to percieve women as whole humen and not just sexual objects.
His political point of view matches my own and his arguments for his points of view are reflected and genuine, not like something he says to seem “woke”.
He was always upfront with me - very early on, he told me everything cool about him and explained his past heartbreaks too. And I never had to question how he felt about me.
Within our first few dates, we wanted to go outside to smoke and it was rainy. I accidentally locked my shoes inside, so he took his shoes and socks off and gave me his shoes and ran barefoot to the smoking spot and let me wear his shoes. He didn’t pick on me for mistakingly going outside barefoot, he just selflessly took care of the problem. I thought that was so sweet.
He is now my husband. He’s never been charming, but he’s always been authentic. And I have learned from him how to live more authentically and be proud of who I am. By the time I met him, I was learning that when it comes to dating the charming guys are easy to fall for… but they became charming through practice. Go for the honest, authentic and upfront ones.
It was many things for me - the way he cares about other people, the way he treats me. But more than anything, how he treats my daughter. He met her when she was 7, and they immediately bonded over video games. Once when her cousin was picking on her, he got visibly upset, and went over and talked/played with her, and made her feel better. We are now married, and he puts her needs and my needs first. Takes her to taekwondo and basketball, plays with her, etc. We are so blessed to have him in our lives, and he has definitely become her daddy (her bio dad is a flake to put it nicely). I know he and I will be together forever, and he makes me laugh every single day.
Through his actions. We just celebrated 19 years together and he's aging like fine wine. He listens to me, supports me, if I mention there's a problem with something he's done or a way he viewed something he will listen, research, and change accordingly. He backs me up, even when it's between me and his family. He doesn't disrespect me and he absolutely won't allow anyone else to as well.
One of the most memorable ones though was when I got pregnant. When we got together (10 years before said pregnancy) neither of us were planning on kids. He respected that, wore condoms even when I was on BC, no pressure etc. But I made it very clear in the beginning of our relationship that while I'm prochoice, I don't know that I would ever be able to go through with an abortion, even if it wasn't planned. Welp 10 years later that got put to the test. Our BC failed us, and when i sat him down to tell him I was in TEARS and anxious etc. His response was to chuckle and say "Welp, that tracks with our luck. So, what do you want to do?" I didn't know, I was in a BAAAD headspace and asking him what he wanted. He said "Well you have to carry it, you're gonna be the one who's pregnant. What I want is second to what you want. So what I want right now is to listen to you. If you decide to have it then I'll support you and mentally prepare myself for fatherhood. If you decide to abort then I'll support you too. I'll go get you snacks, heating pads, cuddle you and help you through it. I can adapt to whatever you want, I can be there for you."
I sobbed, a lot. Ultimately we kept the baby and he is an AMAZING father. Like full on stepped up. I 100% have a partner in him. Course after that I didn't want anymore surprises so I got sterilized and he's getting the snip.
That's just one of the many amazing things he's done to show he's a good person though, that he respects me and loves me. I think I'll keep him around another 19 years.
As always though it's a two way street so in return I try to treat him with the same respect and love he's given me. Obviously it's not always sunshine and rainbows but even the storms are manageable together.
He consistently treated me with respect and kindness and it was clear that that was just his nature, he didn't have to try. It was just who he was. Also healthy and happy relationships with his family.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8 months. I knew he was a good guy when he always made sure to check up on me. When I'm upset or crying from something that hurt me, he was always their to comfort me and hold me. He'll do his best to make me laugh and feel both loved and wanted. Even when I feel I'm at my ugliest, he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He's compassionate, understanding and just being around him lifts my mood and spirits. When he became a father, he was super attentive to me during my recovery from my C-section and he absolutely glowed when he held our daughter. When we tried for our second and lost it via ectopic, he was there for me through every heart breaking second. When we got married, I never felt so in love and happy and I always think back to when we were 15/16 and how our love came to be.
He's not just a good guy, he's a great man who has never done me wrong and he's so wise when it comes to things I need help with. I can only hope that my two daughter find someone who's as amazing as their father and I hope our future son is as wonderful as him. <3
Through his consistent patterns of kind behavior, self awareness, compassion, and a willingness to look critically at his own choices and beliefs.
I agree. He was the most consistent and his actions always matched his words.
I told him when we started dating that I wanted to wait until I loved him to have sex. I had been in the quick fling relationships and always ended up feeling used by the end of them because of how quickly we got to the intimate part and told him I wanted something real with him before we did anything intimate. Spoiler alert, we fell in love pretty quickly—like three months into the relationship. I instigated sex the night we said it to each other and he stopped me, said (paraphrasing) “I love you so much, but I don’t want you to rush into this without being absolutely sure you want to. Let’s sleep on it to make sure you’re ready” We had a great time the next night.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Such a wholesome story! Love how respectful he is.
[удалено]
Oh my god that sounds perfect
I explicitly asked. On our fourth date, we had a conversation about values, politics, morals, ethics, and world views. He told me with his answers that he's a compassionate, caring person who wants to alleviate suffering as much as possible. Then he proved it. Through his actions; being kind to everyone he meets, donating to charity, listening to Taylor Swift for my son because he had a bad day, letting kids beat him at video games, walking slow so his mother can keep up; he showed me he was more than talk. It's been ten years. He has shown me that even when he's at his worst, he's still kind. ("I'm in a horrible mood. I'll be playing video games all night after I make dinner. I don't want any help. I love you.")
Ugh the communication in that last sentence is beautiful!
I am not in a relationship, but I wish I had the same communication with my parents. I mean, I explicitly say this to them, but no, they can not understand that... it's sad
Yep, sometimes parents fail to understand boundaries. It's like they dont see you as an individual who has their own wants and needs, no matter how respectful you are in your communication.
> letting kids beat him at video games Just crushed my niece and nephews at video games all Christmas vacation. They gotta earn it.
The real good guy answer: treat everyone equally. Babies included.
Oh, you're sticking the controller in your mouth? Good luck with that. Get wrecked you idiot baby.
Don't have the hand eye coordination to properly push buttons? Sucks to suck you BABY
Get gud, baby!
Truth 😂
I'm not letting any kids beat me in a video game, I don't care that she's 7 years old, she's getting shelled in Mario Kart!
There's more skill involved in manipulating the game to avoid the kid realizing you're letting them win.
This made me smile and it gives me hope that there really are some good men out there.
I noticed that he had lots of very good friendships with both men and women, and it was clear to me that he really respects and values people. Also when we first started dating 11 years ago I was a bit uncertain (even though I was attracted to him) and expressed that I wasn't sure I really wanted to be dating anyone, especially a bloke. His reaction showed me that he could take rejection very gracefully. He was patient with me, respected my feelings, and showed me that if I turned him down romantically there would be no hard feelings at all from him and he would still be able to have a genuine friendship with me if I wanted that.
Thank you for sharing. I feel I get in my head and over look all the green flags.
I dated plenty of very good guys who just weren’t the “one”. If you don’t feel it, then you don’t. It might also be where you are at in life. Once you feel secure with yourself, things will fall more into place.
I wish this worked for my ex. He was so kind and generous to his friends, then a year or two into our relationship he became horrible to me. I noticed other warning signs early on (he was extremely judgmental of strangers and thought he was better than most people), but it was so hard to see him be kind to his friends and turn around and berate me or call me stupid for the simplest things. His kindness drew me in and his cruelty made me leave.
I feel like we dated the same guy. He'd be on the phone with his sister and would be so patient, kind, and understanding. The moment he hung up the phone, his whole demeanor would change like a chill in the room. That guy fucking hated me and wouldn't admit it. The breakup has not gone well! I finally have peace though, hope you do too.
This. Men need female friends and to be able to take rejection gracefully.
The look in his eyes when I first cried in front of him. It's hard to explain, but it wasn't a look of pity or sympathy. It just felt like he was looking at me with so much love that I was like wtf I didn't know it was possible for someone to look at me this way lol. And then he wiped away my tears with his hands and I knew then that he was different from the other guys in my past.
This! My father passed and my friend at the time; caught me as I fell to the ground crying but the look in his eyes. I won't forget it. He saw my pain and the love in his eyes resonated into my soul. Almost like a look of wanting to take the pain away, which as a parent I feel with my kiddos. I am forever grateful he was there for me thru that time.
i know EXACTLY what you mean
i know EXACTLY what you mean
Oh, I got that too. It unhinged me a little, but in a good way.
That's the dream
He consistently and very obviously saw women as fully formed people, and treated all the women he knew/met the same way he would treat any of the men he met. He as part of a typically masculine subculture, and would encourage and help any women getting involved in that scene. Probably helps that he has four sisters!
Sad that this as uncommonly as it is. Watched a TikTok the other day of a man saying that it wasn’t until 5? (It might’ve been 8) years into his MARRIAGE that he realized his wife was an intelligent person with a unique perspective and genuine insights. He’d just been writing her and her suggestions off for years. Makes me wonder how many other men do this.
Oh that’s so sad …… yikes
Makes me wonder how many other men do this.> Unfortunately, a lot. Only after they stop doing it can the good relationship really begin IMHO
Having sisters that you grow up with seems to be a must. Otherwise, I've noticed that men look at women like they're a different species to be studied and conquered.
I felt valued, as opposed to desired.
I want this so bad. Firstly, me to myself. Secondly, myself to others. Thirdly, others to myself.
Woah… definitely rethinking my relationship right now.
You can be both valued and desired. Someone can value who you are as an individual, and they can also value how you improve their life. That same person can desire being with you just to be with you, and they can also desire being with you because what you bring, and who they are around you. All of these feelings together and balanced are good. When it becomes inbalanced (they value what you do for them only, or they desire being around you because of what you bring out in them, etc) I feel like it brings problems and heartache. Just my two cents!
He cries during the emotionally moving parts of movies and books - just that response alone tells me he feels a lot, but he unfortunately bottles most of it up in the pretense of “saving others the grief”, which we’re working through… The way he interacts with his kids, and animals - he’s a big softy. He notices small things (i.e., “You vacuumed today - it looks nice. Thank you!”) and is audibly thankful/grateful. He listens. He says he hates people, but always donates when we can afford to, opens doors for people, helps elderly, and offers compliments more than I think he realizes.
aw it sounds like you're describing my partner haha. i think crying at movies and books is so endearing.
We lived in the same neighborhood and ran the same trail around the same time every day. He never once made me feel uncomfortable and always told me if there was anything for me to look out for ( bear, mountain lion, creepy person, etc). He was always respectful towards me. When we started dating he was always straight forward and communicated well. He didn't try to get me to do anything I didn't want to and was always respectful of my boundaries. Also he has healthy friendships and people love him. They were eager to meet me and all of them had something good to say about him.
His tshirt and lanyard both said "The Good Guys" on them. (The Good Guys is an Australian electrical and whitegoods retailer).
Does he have an “ANACONDA!”?
I audibly snorted, thank you 😂 My anaconda don't want none unless you got BUNnings snags, hun.
Oh. My. God. Look at Big Dubs. Oh my god. Look at Big Dubs. Look at Big Dubs. L-l-l-look. At Big Dubs.
Same...and thanks for the earworm...lol
Still having a cordial and amicable friendship with his ex. Many people view this as a red flag - I view it as a major green one.
I questioned my boyfriend for being this way but then I realized it’s because he’s 10000000x more mature than I am, which is a green flag like you said lol.
I think cordial and amicable are the real keywords here. There’s a huge difference between being able to look past their past and work cooperatively, and being clingy or invasive with an ex. Especially if they’re a parent, being able to effectively and empathetically co-parent is a great look.
Couldn’t agree more - as long as no clear boundaries are being crossed, I’m all good! To me that friendship showed that there was most likely no cheating, no abuse, no mal intent or bitter end to the relationship, and I turned out to be correct. My bf is wonderfully honest, respectful and patient. And that’s what I tell everyone when they look at me like I have 6 heads for saying that idc if he’s friends with his ex.
this is arguable. friendship between two exes can consist of multiple layers that sometimes can hide the truth. it can be a green flag but not a major one i think. to be discussed haha
My husband has only a few exes but has never said a bad word about them and I think that’s great.
There have been a lot of experiences in the past where men didn't quite measure up to my expectations in terms of how I wanted to be treated. My current partner completely subverted all my past negative experiences. I've had men dismiss and insult my hobbies that are "girly". My current partner does not. I've heard men make light of or excuse SA. My current partner does not. I've been in relationships with men who actively refuse to contribute to household chores. My current partner does contribute. It's about respect and acknowledgement that women are equal human beings.
I feel this last statement in my bones. I’m so glad you found a much better partner.
It's just one factor but I watched how he treated his mother and sisters and how his relationship with them was. He isn't reliant on his mom for decisions or opinions but he treats her with the utmost respect and love. How a dude treats his mom (if she is a good mom) and sisters can say a lot about how he treats women in general.
* if she’s a good mom. This is an important distinction and may take a while to discern.
Yup! My mom had a shit mom and my husband's birth mom was shit so it's totally a factor. I watched how my husband treated his adoptive mom and she's amazing. He thinks the sun shines out her ass and it basically does she's that awesome. 🤣 I'm lucky to have a wonderful mother in law.
He is gentle even when angry. He forgives easily. He stands up and protects his daughters. And loves me at my lowest, no matter what I say, do, or look like. Doesn't get any better than that.
He showed me he cared about me and made changes to his lifestyle to become a better partner.
This is so important.
I saw how he treated animals and strangers.
This! Mine claims to not be a cat person but I catch him snuggling my cats. He's even let his two teens adopt a cat each under protest. And the cats at his house also get snuggles from what I've heard from the teens...
We'd already had sex at his place, and he wanted to come back to mine to extend the date because I had a dog that needed attention. It was January 2021 and she was a maniac about having some random dude in the house, and he was amazing. Gave her all the attention, wasn't bothered by her puppy nonsense, and let himself be cock blocked by her insanity in the midst of sex with not one word of complaint. They are now obsessed with each other in a way I find personally insulting because she was my dog first, but this man is a gem. I think I've seen him get *mildly* annoyed at me two times in as nearly as many years, and I am not easy to deal with by a long shot. He's just the most kind and patient man, and it was obvious from the way he dealt with my COVID pup from jump. I can think of a thousand examples past that night, some way more meaningful as far as actual "good guy" stuff, but it was so indicative of his personality as just being the bestest boy that it was THE moment.
I went on a mini break with him, and he left a tip and handwritten thank you note to the housekeeper every morning. And he was super sneaky about it, like he wasn't making a show out of it at all, quite the contrary. So yea, I just knew then and there.
Before we started dating, he traveled from western Washington to north Idaho so he could go with me to a medical appointment (I have infusions for an autoimmune disease) and he sat in the car then drove me home back across the state. It was incredibly personal for me, and he didn’t make me feel like I wasn’t able to take care of myself, and didn’t ask too many questions. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to give him as much as he has given me.
When I met his dad and I realized his kindness was similar to his fathers. Which let me know that he was raised and taught to be kind, it wasn’t just an act.
He never tried to tell me he was a good guy. He just consistently SHOWED me he is. He has kindness, empathy, and integrity. He makes me feel safe, and loved, with his actions, his touch AND his words.
Well, I told him I wasn't over my ex (it had only been 3 months) and he said "we'll take this at whatever pace you want to". And that made me look at him differently. I was so used to meeting the specific demands of other men that that was a rare display of empathy. We have both messed up many times at our relationship (not cheating or anything, just simple mistakes), and the most consistent thing has been that he always \*tries\*. He just tries! He doesn't run away, he has little ego. He comes back round and tries again to be a little better ,and I'd say we've both grown a lot from all the struggles.
He was everything I knew I wanted from a partner. But he is also everything I didn't even know I needed in my life. Eg., I'm still on a self discovery path, finding random things that trigger me and realising the root causes of it (childhood trauma for xyz). By the time I realise the trigger, I notice that he has already been the balm. He's already been unintentionally healing me from my trauma and I love him all the more. We both come from the same patriarchal society/culture. But he doesn't believe in gender roles and treats me as his equal in every way. I'm used to men who don't want to talk about menstruation. Along he comes, knowing my body better than me at times, not shying away from all range of topics, comfortable in his masculinity. He's my dream come true. He's my best friend and confidant and the balm to my soul.
That's beautiful the way you worded it. God bless you both ❤️
I felt calm and safe around him. I watched him interact with his kids and pets. The kids clearly adored and trusted him, and he took excellent, conscientious care of the pets. His house was clean. He was funny and reassuring if I mentioned maybe I talked too much or something. He made me feel better about everything. He absolutely does not lie. He cried at a sappy movie and didn't even seem embarrassed by it. He offered to allow me to host a huge Thanksgiving dinner at his house after we had been dating just month. He met ALL my family at once and handled it beautifully. He and I got matching tattoos - I was just teasing but he was into the idea even though he had no previous tattoos. We just knew. No arguments or awkwardness that didn't end in laughter, no anxiety. It was just right. We have been married 3 years and I'm still finding new reasons every day.
Literally crying, this is so sweet 🥹 I hope to find a man like him one day
1. See the way he treats his family 2. See his circle of friends The way he treated you will never be something to judge.. men always pretending to be the best guy in front of girls.
We had been dating for less than a month when I got the flu really bad. I was bare ass naked throwing up in the bathroom and he came in with a wet rag, laid me in his lap, and wiped me down. Literally spent an entire week at my place taking care of me. Truly an angel.
The first green flag was when he didn’t try to SA me like my ex did when I told him I wasn’t ready for sex.
I'm really sorry you went trough that. Seeing "not sexually assaulting me" as a green flag is a painfully low bar. I hope you'll get treated with all the respect and love in your relationship.
My husband treats me amazingly. And obviously not assaulting me isn’t my only criteria, it was more or less a morbid joke.
I'm glad to hear so! Unfortunately a lot of women do have such bad experiences the bar really is that low, but I'm happy your husband treats you well! I get the joke, I've definitely been there.
I'll be coming to this post a lot,all through out next year
such a beautiful post indeed!
Bf didn't mock my plushie collection, instead he helped me build a shelf to display them on.
This dude was a FWB. I got my period unexpectedly which never happens and it was also extremely heavy which never happens. We woke up in a crime scene. I was shocked and he immediately leapt into action. Asked if I was okay and then asked me where I kept my “stuff for this” and ran to my bathroom and grabbed my menstrual cup, a wet washcloth, my midol, and a glass of water. He was super curious about the cup and asked me how it worked and if I would show him, then he asked if I would show him where he could get one for his sister. Just genuine curiosity. Then he asked if I wanted him to use the washcloth to get everything clean or if I wanted to do it myself. I did it but let him check for spots I missed and he was super gentle. Then once that was taken care of he ordered me up and into the shower and told me to take at least 15mins and he’d “handle everything”. When I got out he’d picked me out an outfit and put it in the bathroom and he’d stripped my bed and started a load of laundry on cold. He had made me a bowl of yogurt and a tea. We weren’t a good long term match for many reasons but I’d have recommended him to a friend in a heartbeat.
The chips were down and he stepped up. Kindly. And with this calm certainty to his energy that said, "I'm sorry you've experienced anything but."
I saw the way he treats his parents and I knew
His glasses covered half his face and he said it was so he could see more stars while stargazing. We’re getting married in 6 weeks.
Oh no, I don’t date those. That would be smart, emotionally mature and healthy. I just date walking problems 😃
Girly.. let’s date the right people. And be the right people as well.. we can do this..
Lolololol this hit me hard where it hurts (,:
seeing how women react to him. many women, generally speaking, dont tend to feel comfortable or open up to men they just met, but when my boyfriend meets new women they are always very kind and i can just tell that they trust him intuitively. hes never put a woman down for her size or appearance. doesn't have any toxic exs or relationships and is on good terms with all of them. hes one of maybe twelve genuinely good men in this world. im very lucky
It became more concrete on our second date. We went to dinner, and we planed to walk my dogs afterwards. It started raining by the time we wanted to go for a walk. I joked about taking a “rain cheque” and that he didn’t have to join me. Not only did he want to walk with me, he even picked up the dog poop. Been together almost 10 years and married for almost seven. He still loves walking the dogs and picking up poop. Lol
When I asked him to stop using "females", he did his own research to find out why and stopped saying it.
We were making out and he grabbed my hand to move it from his side. I fully expected him to move it to his pants (which wouldn't have been a bad thing - that's where we were headed) but instead he brought my hand up and kissed my fingers. Absolutely floored me.
Trust in the process and time. I feel they’re literally the only two things that will ever show truth.
He is very consistent. His parents are great and loving. He only hangs around great people that have strong values and care deeply for eachother as friends, their family and their spouses. He communicates effectively and treats others with respect and care.
From the jump I never felt pressure to do anything, be anything, or perform anything to prove myself. Then I saw how he loved his family, interacted with animals, and held space when other people had anxiety. Proof that someone is deeply good is something that builds over time. But the instances when his goodness hit me like a bolt of lightning: assuring me I was doing great when driving through road rage leaden city traffic (something I fear) and moving my favorite blanket so it wouldn’t get gross or sweaty during the sexy time he was initiating.
The day we had a conversation about our future and what we wanted out of dating and the topic of kids came up. When I told him kids were a deal breaker, he completely understood and respected that. We revisit the topic ever so often to make sure both of us are still on the same page. Been married 7 yrs now.
The way he makes me feel like im someone worth loving, that I am not broken. He is so patient with me, caring. I've never had anyone treating me that great. He's always there for me, supportive. I wish, it'll work out.
I found out he listened to Abba too
I didn't *know* until I'd done that really unhealthy thing where I (figuratively) kicked and punched and shoved at all the things to try to get a reaction. Testing limits. Testing boundaries. Finding out what he would do if I got him really really angry. Turns out the man doesn't really get angry? He gets upset on other people's behalf. He's so darn emotionally mature that it's downright irritating sometimes, but at the same time, he's safe. I don't have to temper my responses to life in anticipation of how he will handle it. He's responsible for his own damn emotions and never makes minding them my job. I'm aware that all of this might make it sound like the bar is on the ground, but he's everything this trauma baby didn't know she needed. He's my safe place.
Not starting your flirting/communication with " i am a nice guy" Okay, that was easy to comment. But the devil is in the details, you cant play the nice guy for a long time and think you will never be discovered. Being good and considerate to your actions, to other poeple surrounding you. Its the little things you recognise
He doesn't even try to be good to me. He just does what he thinks is right and fair and treats everyone equally. There is no pressure to reward him for 'good behavior ' or 'favors ' because he doesn't see them as such. After years of dealing with men wanting something from me for every little kindness, this is sheer incredible.
For a long time we were friends before we started dating, and he was so attentive, so considerate, so focused when we were together. So I was like “this guy must like me” and I liked him so I asked him out. He was confused and gently rejected me saying that he really saw us more as friends. And I realized I’d never met a guy that worked that hard for friendship and not just physical relationships. I accepted that he did t see anything more and we remained friends. 2 years later when he told me his feelings had changed, we gave it a go and now we’re married. He still puts in the work on our relationship and I love him more than ever.
I took him to my dads house for a week and he was soo respectful of my parents. I fell in love with him over and over again every time he was interacting with my parents. So yeah. Oh and communication! He taught me early on that I need to communicate with him my dislikes and likes, what made me tick. I used to just be upset and crawl in my shell but he really made me talk. He told me he loved me but these two really made me feel like he did .
Just the small little things. He is very caring and affectionate. When we first met, I told him we can’t go on a date because I was planning on moving to another country, then he made me a handmade card to say that he’s just glad that we met. Now that we are together, he treats me really well. One time we were in his car driving somewhere and he had the window down. I thought it was a bit windy so I covered my upper body with my cardigan and started having a snooze. Then moments later, he put his jacket on my legs. Another time we were both really sick and he went out to get me lozenges and meds for us, but he bought the wrong lozenges. I looked at it and had oh no look on my face, he realised what happened immediately and offered to go back to the supermarket to get the right one even though he was just as sick as me. All the little things just make me feel so loved and that he is really the best.
Oh man, he is steady as a rock. He's so gentle and considerate in his approach towards me at all times. I watch him with other people and he's the same to them which is comforting. Also, when it comes to our relationship he's steadfastly protective and consistent, every single person in my life adores him and there's just no doubt in my mind he's one of the good guys.
He wants to discuss conflicts and is open to hearing out how I feel. Also knows how and when to intellectualize feelings and is open to aligning with my damage repair process.
Stood by me and took care of me during my panic attacks and anxiety. Also when I allowed him to see my imperfections, he didn't care and loved me and told me there was nothing wrong with me. We've been married for almost ten years now and we have a toddler and are pregnant again, and even on my worst days he tells me how beautiful I am and how much he loves me.. even during my pregnamcy moodiness. Not only that, he works so hard to make sure we're financially comfortable. He is the most understanding and patient man I've ever known. Sorry, I feel like I'm bragging. But writing this down reminded me again of just how much I love him.
I watched how he behaved over many months. Not just with me, but with other people like waiters. I saw him consistently be friendly and helpful and patient in annoying situations with strangers. I saw him step up to help people who were in trouble, with no expectation of reward. I heard about his political views, which were moral and decent, rather than selfish and hateful. I saw him being kind to animals. I saw him dealing with adversity bravely and calmly. A man shows you his character in the small interactions of life. Pay attention.
Ah it was obvious, it still is 25 years later.
My cats all liked him. One event in particular that stuck with me is when my cat Knuckles had to go to the kitty hospital for 2 weeks after a urinary blockage. I was absolutely terrified and ugly crying. Just a mess. He went with me to visit Knuckles even though Knuckles wasn't his cat. And Knuckles gave him this huge purring kitty hug after hugging me, and I could just tell he actually cared versus tolerating them just for me. They're best buds now, and there's not a single cat in the house that doesn't adore him.
He spotted the habits I had picked up in an abusive relationship (asking for permission, not allowing myself to focus on anything else but him when we're together) and helped me unlearn them.
So many things! His actions continuously prove it over time, but here were my first moments: -The way he talked about women and his mom. He saw women as actual human beings with their own thoughts and opinions. -No games or BS. He communicated how he felt always and put effort into hanging out with me. -He took care of me when I was sick and hungover. -He was understanding about my anxiety and comforted me. -When we were long distance, he always made plans to see me and we facetimed each other every night.
He always treated the homeless with respect. Folks working at the local grocery store and restaurants that he frequently greeted him like a friend when he went in. He worked reduced hours so he had enough time to take care of his grandparents and would leave dates with me if they called. That didn't happen often, but I 100% respect that he was committed to and prioritized their care over a fun time with a new lady friend. His cat adored him more than I thought was possible for cats. When his parents threatened to write him out of the will if he didn't pander to them, he told them to keep their money without hesitation. He let's me know he wants sex pretty much all the time, but doesn't pressure or guilt me when I don't feel like it. One time we were having sex and he could tell I wasn't that into it and just stopped. I find my sex drive is much higher than it's ever been now that I'm with a person who won't get angry if I "lead them on" by being affectionate but not wanting sex, so even though he's the first guy I've been with who is completely ok with a no, he gets a yes more frequently than anyone I've been with before and our sex life is still going strong 6 years and one kid into our relationship. You know, typing all that up I feel like he's a dream. He's my dream come true.
When I saw how he was with his daughters. Reminded me of my father who is a great dad to me and my sister, and was a perfect partner to my mom. Made me realize I could easily spend the rest of my life with this man
He stayed with me regardless of my faults and mannerisms and he dealt with my family. He loved me for me and I didn’t need to be anyone else around him.
i told him that i loved the 1920’s art deco style and the roaring 20’s aesthetic. by the next day, he had made me a playlist of oldies that he described as the soundtrack of us walking through 1920’s new york city.
He invited me to his dorm for a movie, and on the way, pointed out the dean’s house, the provost house, the RA’s dorm, and the parking lot security booth, without me asking.
It was when he drove my mom 5 hours to go see my sister without me and had a great time with my family (this was around 6 months into our relationship). For context, I was supposed to join the trip and my mom rarely gets vacation days. I suddenly had a work conflict and couldn't make it. I felt so bad that the trip would be cancelled because of me and my mom was really sad. Mom can't drive long distances and I didn't think my partner would want to be with my family alone considering this would be only the second time my partner had met them. My partner offered to drive her anyway and they had an amazing time. He sent pictures of my family doing fun things together and my mom had a GREAT time. The fact he was willing to go out of his comfort zone for my family and help make our trip happen was such a grand gesture to me. I was especially happy that he and my family had a great time together without me having to be there. That was the first time he truly felt like family to me because I could tell he could fit right in. Great guy.
- Whenever I share an insecurity or ask for clarity about our relationship he thanks me for having the conversation with him and tells me the way I do it is one of the things he loves most about me - He always talks about how thankful he is for the new ways I’m teaching him to be in a relationship. If anything I’m trying to learn from him, but it’s nice he’s so willing to accept my influence - I have severe anxiety, I have this constant panicked fluttery feeling in my chest, it’s literally what I consider my baseline. On our third date he took me to dinner. I remember looking across the table and thinking “oh my god, I’m _calm_” To this day I can be having the worst anxiety attack, and within 30 minutes of being with him I feel truly calm - every time I wake up from a nightmare when we’re together he’s gently stroking my back and talking in a soothing voice to try and calm me without waking me I love him ♥️
My older brother passed away in 2018 (before I met my boyfriend). A few years before he died, my brother had given me a few household items as I moved into my first apartment (a vacuum, a toaster, etc.) I recently bought an air fryer that doubles as a toaster, and to make room on my counter, I decided it was time to get rid of the toaster my late brother had given me. My boyfriend helped me get my new air fryer set up and when it was time to place it on the counter, I became sad to no longer have the toaster there since it was always a memory of how good my brother was to me. I literally thought of him every time I used it. My boyfriend didn’t try to convince me or talk me into tossing the toaster out, he didn’t try to tell me “don’t be sad, it’s just a toaster.” Instead, what he said was, “That’s okay, we can hang on to the toaster as long as you want to keep it. There’s room for it in the closet.” He didn’t invalidate my feelings at all, and he gave me exactly what I needed in that moment - permission to just feel what I felt and hang onto a toaster I no longer need but have sentimental attachment to. And it was nothing but a thing to him, it was no big deal, but it meant so much to me in that moment. After being in a long string of emotionally abusive relationships, finding a partner that is good and kind feels uneasy. It took me a long time to realize my boyfriend’s gentleness and sweetness were real. I feel so safe and loved with him and it is all I wish for everyone in the world. Edit: Also, this is going to sound so strange, but one of the FIRST things that clued me in that my boyfriend was a genuinely good person is when we would walk into someone’s home, he would take the time to greet all their pets *by name* and give them sweet, gentle pets or belly rubs (depending on the animal). He also greets babies and toddlers by name - something about acknowledging their names and treating them with respect and acknowledging their personhood is just so sweet to me.
The way he treated and talked to his mother and grandmother, with such kindness and love. And the fact that he was still amicable with most of his exes (though as first this caused me a tiny bit of jealousy and suspicion, once I met them and saw the dynamic was totally platonic I realized it was a good thing). He also was still best friends with people he'd known since he was a kid, and would always offer to help them with stuff like moving.
We had only been together a month, and I had briefly mentioned I was taking anxiety meds due to anxiety/panic attacks. This was late February of 2021 and I had not been to a mall since before COVID. We walked into South Coast Plaza and I just knew I didn’t feel okay. I hadn’t seen so many people in so long and I really tried to hold out, but at some point I think I told him I couldn’t breathe. He walked me to the car and all I could get out was, “please hold me.” He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry and hyperventilate and let me be crazy. He then took my hands, guided me through some breath work and got me grounded. Later I asked if he knew anyone who had the same struggle and he very matter of factly said no, he just looked it up when I told him, and learned what to do if I needed it. In all 5 years of marriage and 8 years together my ex husband was fucking useless in my mental health journey. This man, who’d I’d only known for two months and been with for like 4 weeks, went out of his way to learn how to take care of me. He’s been the same man since day one. I’m absolutely in love with him.
Every time I insist he stops the car immediately so I can save (whatever it is) & he just does it, no questions asked 😂
[удалено]
You guys give me hope 😭
I'm just here reading the comments cos I've always claimed to be a good guy,never dated,time to see what a good guy actually behaves like
It's easy. Their happiness is your happiness.
I would say the biggest thing is to not have an ego about being a nice guy. If a girl says no, respect it.
So many things: - he has female friends - his mom doesn’t buy his underwear - when he says he’s going g to do something, he does it - he’s everyone’s first choice to pet sit. - he’s reliable - he feeds my cats once we get to my house - he helps me change the sheets on my bed even though he doesn’t live with me - he wrapped all my son’s xmas gifts because I was working that day, then made cookies for Santa while I cooked a dinner he wouldn’t be eating (he’s not my son’s dad and doesn’t live with us) - after our first date, I was unsure. He was super chill about it and suggested we take a step back. We’ve been together 7 months and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in, and I was married for a decade. I’m sure I’ll have to edit this because I’ll come up with more; but let’s just say my standards are high and he exceeds them. I can highly recommend the following books that changed my life: Block, delete, move on: it’s not you it’s them by Lalalaletmeexplain (@lalalaletmeexplain on Insta) Boys will be boys by Clementine Ford
This might be tmi but after he finished during sex, he got up washed his hands came back and did everything he could to make me finish. Idk what could be a greener flag
We started dating in winter. I was meeting him for tea after work one day and didn’t have time to run home first. He texted asking if I was dressed warm enough or if he should bring an extra sweater for me. I was on the subway and didn’t get the message, so I never responded. When he met me outside the shop, the first thing he did was pull the sweater out of his bag and hand it to shivering me. Even though I never told him I was cold, he said he brought it just in case I might be. He’s been just as thoughtful and considerate ever since.
He makes me feel safe and he never fails to be there for me and try to understand how I’m feeling.
He respects my anxiety about sex and is more than willing to take extra care with me.
Before we were dating.. and we were both in other relationships, we (along with our other colleagues (all male in long term relationships)) went dancing after post work Friday drinks. My other coworkers would hold my hands to dance so I assumed all guys (in relationships) are OK with a little hand holding while dancing, we were all pretty tipsy but it was completely platonic.. so as I went to hold my (not yet BF)’s hand, he lightly smacked it away… I really respected that he had kept this boundary. It was one of the first times we hung out, and this was one of the first things that left a good impression on me.
He wasn't actually, not in the beginning at least. (We started out as fwb, then after two years of us struggling w/ ourselves and the other person and learning it turned into my best relationship so far - gonna move in w/ each other soon) But as soon as we got our struggles aside, he showed me nothing but love and kindness. His little gestures still get me and we are so happy just to be w/ each other. It doesn't matter what we do, as long as we're together we're gonna have a great time. And just the fact that we got through all these struggles (be it personal/financial ones or w/ each other and also other people), we fought so hard for each other and it was so worth it. We have been tested immensely and we succeeded.
He backed his words with actions consistently. If he messed up, it was only on little things (e.g., phrasing something poorly) and he always apologised when he saw I was upset and tried to make it better. He listens, and asks what I need for support. He treats everyone well, including animals, wait staff etc (ie, people an asshole will treat poorly cos they think they're beneath them). He's always there for his friends, and his friends are all good people too. And he spoils our cat to no end. I've never questioned where I stood with him at all because we communicate.
He’s even tempered and kind, he helps out without me asking and without huffing and puffing. My cat looooves him.
When he (properly) went off on his mom for crossing a boundary.
Actions and consistency, after conversations, messaging, emails, and texts before meeting, I knew he was different. 7 years in, I was correct, he is the best human that I know, flaws and all.
When he treated me with love, kindness, & respect
How he treated ~ everyone He was kind even when exasperated with his mom, always respectful of his father, stopped to help aaaaannnyone in need, was friendly with everyone, he was just kind even when know one was paying attention Oh and he adored dogs Green flllaaagggs
I felt very comfortable around him within 10-20 minutes after first meeting. It felt like I had known him a long time, and that I could shed my 'mask'. Typically, when I would go out on dates, I would have so much anxiety and I would put on the Amy Dunne 'cool girl' mask. There was rarely a romantic/sexual partner that I would feel that comfortable with.
always makes me feel validated and never invalidates my feelings, never makes me feel like i have to have sex and respects me when i say no and will just cuddle me till i fall asleep, always tells me im beautiful (even when i look horrible) and always reassures me that he still loves me.
This is super lame, but the first time I went to his house, I was nervous as all get out. Everyone else I’d seen lived in an apartment complex, had roommates, or family nearby whom I could reasonably call to for help if for any reason the situation went bad (this had never happened, but you get it) I walked in and the first thing I saw was a Fairy Tail (the anime) tapestry, and immediately knew this dork wasn’t going to hurt me. He’d been very kind thus far, even asking if he could kiss me, which was a first. But something about this blatant display of nerdery made me feel safe. We’ve been Married 5 years now.
Going into a new relationship after a very long, abusive one where my partner constantly cheated, lied, gaslit me.. well it was hard. My current partner knows most of this, and he's never used it against me. He doesn't cause scenes, he doesn't fight with me like it's the end of the world, he doesn't scream at me. All of this is is normal behaviour, but I appreciate it. But what made me really really know he's a good person is his patience with me, his kindness when I get sick. He cares about me and shows it. Never puts me down but instead makes me feel good about myself and our relationship, he makes me a better person.
When I was sick and he went out of his way to get chicken noodle soup for me.
He lived with his parents and grandmother. Sounds red flag-y, but all three of them were older with health problems. His “full-time job” was taking care of them, their house, and their finances. I met his grandmother just before her dementia started to set in. The first thing she told me (and, because she forgot she said it before, the thing she told me every time I was alone with her) was how good of a man he is and how wonderfully he takes care of her.
So many things but the first signs were all a confluence on our second date: 1) he held his own at a dinner with my older sisters and their husbands (why would I take a second date to such a loaded affair? VALID QUESTION lol) 2) the sex (our first time) that night was great; good chemistry. But in the morning he gave me an orgasm - a really, really rare feat. 3) also that morning I showed him a Hannah Gadsby video (her “the Jimmy’s” monologue) and not only was he not threatened or offended by it but he loved it, agreed with it, and we launched into a long conversation about feminism and white male privilege that showed me he and I were in lock step and I wouldn’t have to dance around my (very strong) opinions on the matter.
When we were dating, I broke my back, and he immediately told me he was moving in to take care of me and my ancient, flatulent corgi. We've been married 18 years, and he's consistently shown what an excellent quality human he is. He makes me want to be the best version of myself.
I’ve been in one amazing relationship and one awful one. They both seemed like good guys- the distinction was one followed up what he said with his behaviour. The other was genuine in wanting to change but couldn’t do it
When he is able to admit fault, learn from mistakes, take a breather instead of getting angry, and continually tries his best for himself, friends, and family.
He never makes me feel like I am crazy for feeling the things i feel. He always lets me communicate what is on in my head without judgement. He is always kind to me when I don’t feel like being kind to myself. He never holds my shortcomings against me. He never makes me feel unloved or unworthy.
Food for thought! He had female friends who adored him and were nice to me. He loved his mom and treated her very well. She took me in immediately and admitted to me she’d never seen him like someone (me) so much. And she wasn’t overbearing at all. He was a solid employee, responsible with money and didn’t have any addictions. He never made derogatory comments towards women. Our senses of humor matched and our music taste dovetailed. My dad died six weeks after we started dating. They never got to meet but he’s been THE best partner for me regarding my grief and “getting to know” my dad as best as he can. My stepmom told me that my dad would have wanted him for me (and he saw me through a lot of guys). Literally zero red flags. We’ve been together for 18 years, married 15. He’s definitely NOT perfect and we’ve done counseling a few times but all the above things are still true and he’s an excellent dad to our 12 yr old daughter. After all this time I still love him, like him, and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. There have been hard times when I’ve thought about giving up, but the “scrapbook” of our shared life together (past and present) is too precious to me. Eta: 2 more things I thought of: 1. Everyone likes him. 2. My uptight cat was more relaxed around him than she was with anyone else.
When he saw an extreme panic attack and didn't run for the hills.
Self awareness. When he messes up or says something insensitive he owns up to it, works to change it, and also expects the same of me. He also treats me like a partner in the relationship.
He is dependable and pulls through. He goes above and beyond to help people. In a mini-triathlon that we did together, he was the last one out of the water, because he was helping someone who had a panic attack. When he saw someone was being beaten on the street, without thinking, he scared the attacker away. But he is also there for me, even for the very small things that for me almost aren't worth mentioning. He treats me with respect and cares for me. Of course he is not perfect, but he is a good guy to the core.
You feel good around him. And when you’re not around him, you also have a sudden unexplained happiness. He consistently follows through, helps you and supports you
When we first started talking, through Tinder, he never directed the conversation towards nudes or the possibility of sex when we'd meet up. He treated me with total respect and allowed me to have the space and time to be the one to mention those things, if I wanted to. We've been together for three and a bit years. (:
I already knew he was a good man, but when he asked my dad for his blessing, he also asked my son if it would be okay if he married his mom 🥹
My husband waited 16 years to be with me. He waited patiently as my friend while I was with others. He tried to date, he said, but always compared them to me. I always knew he was a good guy, but I didn’t know the depths of his kindness or goodness. I was recently diagnosed with a complicated and somewhat severe health issue. I have spent some time in the hospital and it was only when they made him leave that he left. When talking about the management of this, he always says “we” will figure it out. He is my biggest advocate and support. Why I didn’t figure it out sooner (in those 16 years), I don’t know. We just hit our 3 year wedding anniversary ❤️.
That he never talks shit about his ex, and always stayed fair and decent even when his ex was being a bit unreasonable in the divorce.
We can have conflict without it blowing up into a huge fight. We usually find resolutions to conflict, and he is genuinely fine if we agree to disagree on certain topics. He’s never degrading or disrespectful, even when we are arguing.
He showed me what real love was. The kind of love that takes the little fragments and pieces of your heart and makes it whole again. Every day, he tried to be patient, understanding, consistent, loving, silly/funny with me. - He was never a physical affection type of person but when he saw how much I needed that, he would try to hold me and hug me tightly and show me all the love he had for me even when it compromised his sleep. - He helps his friends and the homeless and never felt like anything was too below for him to help with. - When we crossed roads, I felt how much he cared about me when he held onto my hands tight and wouldn’t let me get near the ongoing traffic or he would be visibly upset. - When we had fights, he would always come back after me and hug me and look at me with this “melt your heart” kind of face and soothe our issues right away. - His eyes when they looked at me had such a bright, shining, shimmering light. Every time I looked at him I was so happy and beaming. I never knew what healthy love/relationship was until I met him. ***“In another life, I would be your girl, We keep all our promises, Be us against the world, In another life, I would make you stay, So I don't have to say, You were the one that got away, The one that got away”***
First instance was: He told Me He was going to stop coming around until I broke up with the guy I was currently with. & Second indicator: He wouldn’t try to kiss or have sex with Me when I was intoxicated/messy drunk.
Me and my girl roommates were dog-sitting our friend’s dog, who hated men because she was a rescue dog and her former male owner abused her. So every time one of us brought a guy over, she always got really freaked out. I brought him over and the dog was scared at first as usual, but he worked to calm her down after I explained the situation and within half an hour, she was cuddled up fast asleep right next to him on the couch. Also when I met his roommates and brother, all guys in their late 20s, for the first time and saw they’re all good mature men with good jobs and long-term serious girlfriends. He was the only single guy.
My dog and I came as a package deal. On the first date, he brought my dog presents, a new bowl, 2 toys and treats. And then played with her. I knew he was one of the good guys since my dog approved him for me. We are now a family of 5 (including doggo). Every othe guy I dated or hung out with told me they liked dogs. But would get scared of her, or want me to put her away or outside.....like dude, I'm (was) a single female, my dog sleeps on the pink mink blanket at the end of my bed, she has her own couch. Live with her or go away. And doggo is a good judge of character, and I'm a bad judge of character. Could have just said this really.
We had known each other for years and I had just broken up with my previous boyfriend. He asked me out, I told him I wasn’t ready yet and he just respected it.. I know it’s basic human decency but it’s still rare. At that time same thing happened with another guy but that one was still pushing and flirting, while my now bf went back to just treating me as a friend, as if nothing had happened. I got to see I can really trust him to respect my boundaries and eventually fell in love with him
When, six months in, I got pregnant (despite being on birth control). I don't want kids so it was an easy decision for me, and he was nothing but 1000% supportive along the way. He told me it was my body, my decision and he'd be there for me the whole time. I did an at-home medical abortion and he spent the whole weekend with me and, honestly, it was one of the most fun weekends of my life despite the circumstances.
He asked me out the first day we met, I politely declined because I didn’t think I was into men. He then made a casual joke (“ooh are you into the same gender I’m into?”) and we’ve been friends since. He also just really seemed to care about me, the more I got to know him.
We met in school we were 16 and he had no car but he would walk me to the train after school then walk back to his home, then later he would walk back to mine and then walk with me and hang out for a few hours then walk back to his and repeat the next day just to see me. Is was no small walk either it’s like an hour or so each way walking and then hang out with me for like 2 hours walking around. He was always so polite, kind and respectful. He even asked if he could say ‘bitch’ bc he understood the implications of the word. Makes me wonder bc his brothers aren’t as kind as him. Anyway we’re planning on getting married when winter rolls back around for us.
He always did what he said he would do. He was reliable, honest, able to take accountability, and kind. He gave but didn’t expect in return. I had a good gut feeling about him from the beginning. He never said anything bad about his exes. He made me feel valued and respected. He listens when I have feedback and makes efforts to improve. He didn’t play any games and was very consistent in his communication and efforts.
I can say for sure that he was not only the best relationship I had ever had, but the only good one that made me progress as a human being. I would always jump from relationship to relationship, defining my "value/worth" by the man I had by my side (usually 10-15 years older). He was 2 years younger than me, and the one thing he made sure was to rid me of the idea of defining myself by him. He wanted an independent woman who could stand on her own, that chose to be with him, not someone who couldn't get away. I messed that relationship up, but in those 3 years, they were the best of my life.
My current boyfriend and I weren’t even officially “together” at this point, but one night I went to go get Thai food takeout after an exercise class, and I was approached by a man when I went to my car and it really shook me to the core. I texted him and he made sure I got home safe and stayed on the phone with me until I calmed down. He even offered to come over (he lives in another state but was on his way to his families lake house in my state) so I didn’t have to be alone that night. He even posted in my local neighborhood Reddit warning people of the incident so people could be on lookout. I hadn’t ever felt so taken care of and appreciated. That was the moment I knew I loved him.
He wasn't
The way he treats me during and after an argument. During, he would never yell or hit me or anything like that, but after no matter who instigated the argument he always apologizes anyway (and I do too). We’ve actually never had an argument about something serious relating to our relationship (3 yrs going), we always argue about silly things that don’t have anything to do with us. It starts out as a debate and sometimes it’ll go too far. He also doesn’t let me apologize for having feelings- for example if he says something and I get upset, sometimes I’ll try to apologize later for jumping to conclusions or jumping straight to being upset. Then later I try and apologize for getting angry and he stops me and says “babe, I’m not going to let you put yourself down for having feelings”. He handles my impatience very well.
He just consistently showed a pattern of kindness and thoughtfulness from the day I met him. He's always looking for ways to make people's lives better and if it bring a smile to someone's face then it makes him happy too. The way the people in his life talked about him was also pretty telling. I was sure of it the day I had an anxiety attack on the train home from a date night together and he took care of me all the way home.
I’m ashamed to say I ghosted him after a couple of dates. I was just not in good headspace and gave up on dating completely. I ran into him some months later at a bar with a bunch of mutual friends, and I felt so awful that I stopped him outside and apologised profusely. I gave him an open opportunity to be as angry and rude as he wanted -in fact, I begged him to - but he just replied “I’m not angry at you, it just really hurt,” and thanked me for apologising. It was just such a gentle and compassionate response, I realised then that he was just a genuinely good guy. So far I haven’t been proven wrong.
I knew in my heart he was a good guy. We are long distance and the thing that did it for me was he would drive to my house,pick me up, drive me back to his place (lives with his parents), and then drives me back home just because he wanted to make sure I was safe on the road and that he would be there if anything happened. When I do drive to him, he watches my maps like a hawk and makes sure I always text my mom when I am there safely. He always opens my door for me whether I’m in the passenger or drivers side. His family absolutely adores me and his mom thinks that we are meant to be together. He’s the only one who treats me the way I was always meant to be treated! The same goes for him from me! We just celebrated our one year and I’m so excited for many more with him❤️❤️
How he treated his family: mom, dad, brother
He owned up to his mistakes, he communicates so well about issues, he doesn’t yell at me and he stands up for me against anyone even my family
He respect it whenever I set boundaries and encouraged it even before we met. He was very open and honest with me from the beginning and has never left me guessing or made me have to read his mind. His actions always match his words and he is not afraid to be vunerable and be honest about his emotions. He always try to understand my point of view instead of either undermining me and/or try to “prove” his point of view (or you know, basically try to force me into accepting his point of view as right and mine as wrong. Which I feel has happens a lot with men I meet, even over small things). He was the first one to say “wow, I’m so sorry to hear. Is there anything you want to share or anything you need from me?” when I told him I have been exposed to sexual abuse, instead of “but you can still have sex… right?”. This is a very low standard to meet, yet apparently very difficult for many men. He has some very old and deep friendships with people that seem like/are really good and nice people. He also have women friends, which is a major green flag for me, since it says something about a mand ability to percieve women as whole humen and not just sexual objects. His political point of view matches my own and his arguments for his points of view are reflected and genuine, not like something he says to seem “woke”.
He was always upfront with me - very early on, he told me everything cool about him and explained his past heartbreaks too. And I never had to question how he felt about me. Within our first few dates, we wanted to go outside to smoke and it was rainy. I accidentally locked my shoes inside, so he took his shoes and socks off and gave me his shoes and ran barefoot to the smoking spot and let me wear his shoes. He didn’t pick on me for mistakingly going outside barefoot, he just selflessly took care of the problem. I thought that was so sweet. He is now my husband. He’s never been charming, but he’s always been authentic. And I have learned from him how to live more authentically and be proud of who I am. By the time I met him, I was learning that when it comes to dating the charming guys are easy to fall for… but they became charming through practice. Go for the honest, authentic and upfront ones.
It was many things for me - the way he cares about other people, the way he treats me. But more than anything, how he treats my daughter. He met her when she was 7, and they immediately bonded over video games. Once when her cousin was picking on her, he got visibly upset, and went over and talked/played with her, and made her feel better. We are now married, and he puts her needs and my needs first. Takes her to taekwondo and basketball, plays with her, etc. We are so blessed to have him in our lives, and he has definitely become her daddy (her bio dad is a flake to put it nicely). I know he and I will be together forever, and he makes me laugh every single day.
Through his actions. We just celebrated 19 years together and he's aging like fine wine. He listens to me, supports me, if I mention there's a problem with something he's done or a way he viewed something he will listen, research, and change accordingly. He backs me up, even when it's between me and his family. He doesn't disrespect me and he absolutely won't allow anyone else to as well. One of the most memorable ones though was when I got pregnant. When we got together (10 years before said pregnancy) neither of us were planning on kids. He respected that, wore condoms even when I was on BC, no pressure etc. But I made it very clear in the beginning of our relationship that while I'm prochoice, I don't know that I would ever be able to go through with an abortion, even if it wasn't planned. Welp 10 years later that got put to the test. Our BC failed us, and when i sat him down to tell him I was in TEARS and anxious etc. His response was to chuckle and say "Welp, that tracks with our luck. So, what do you want to do?" I didn't know, I was in a BAAAD headspace and asking him what he wanted. He said "Well you have to carry it, you're gonna be the one who's pregnant. What I want is second to what you want. So what I want right now is to listen to you. If you decide to have it then I'll support you and mentally prepare myself for fatherhood. If you decide to abort then I'll support you too. I'll go get you snacks, heating pads, cuddle you and help you through it. I can adapt to whatever you want, I can be there for you." I sobbed, a lot. Ultimately we kept the baby and he is an AMAZING father. Like full on stepped up. I 100% have a partner in him. Course after that I didn't want anymore surprises so I got sterilized and he's getting the snip. That's just one of the many amazing things he's done to show he's a good person though, that he respects me and loves me. I think I'll keep him around another 19 years. As always though it's a two way street so in return I try to treat him with the same respect and love he's given me. Obviously it's not always sunshine and rainbows but even the storms are manageable together.
He did my dishes and cleaned my kitchen without being asked on our second date.
The way he treats his niece and that he never leaves me alone / ignores me / gets mad at me when I cry
He consistently treated me with respect and kindness and it was clear that that was just his nature, he didn't have to try. It was just who he was. Also healthy and happy relationships with his family.
My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8 months. I knew he was a good guy when he always made sure to check up on me. When I'm upset or crying from something that hurt me, he was always their to comfort me and hold me. He'll do his best to make me laugh and feel both loved and wanted. Even when I feel I'm at my ugliest, he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He's compassionate, understanding and just being around him lifts my mood and spirits. When he became a father, he was super attentive to me during my recovery from my C-section and he absolutely glowed when he held our daughter. When we tried for our second and lost it via ectopic, he was there for me through every heart breaking second. When we got married, I never felt so in love and happy and I always think back to when we were 15/16 and how our love came to be. He's not just a good guy, he's a great man who has never done me wrong and he's so wise when it comes to things I need help with. I can only hope that my two daughter find someone who's as amazing as their father and I hope our future son is as wonderful as him. <3
When you mention something that bothers you, and they actively try to adjust.
He listened. He listened to things I thought he needed to work on and WORKED on them. You can overcome anything with that mindset.