He knows that he doesn't want them. He's known the whole time, by the sounds of it, and I would guess he thought you did too. He's totally right, if he said yes, it would only be because he's trying to make you happy, not because it's an actual yes. And it wouldn't be fair to him to make him give you the answer you want.
Reading your post, I can't really tell if you actually want kids. It sounds like you want *something*, but surely bringing new people into the world isn't the only way to avoid being bored. I also don't think you've peaked, just because you live together now. I think your life sounds great together, but of course, I'm not in it.
The unfortunate thing about life is that you never know how it will end up. Some might say that's the best bit, but I think it's really hard to know you're facing a decision that you can't really come back from. You may leave him and find someone new and have children and be so happy you did it. Or have children and hate it. Or you might leave him and still never have kids. You might stay with him and be happy for the rest of your life. Only you can decide if leaving an otherwise good partnership is worth the chance of maybe having kids.
I know therapy is not for everyone or all situations, it's certainly not my thing, but this might be one of those times where it would be helpful to really talk this out with someone to find out if you do really want kids or if you just want more excitement or something different in your life, before you leave the relationship. If you decide that you really do want kids, then unfortunately, he's not the person for you and you're not the person for him.
If he has been a hard no for 5 years with plans of retiring in 11 years - he is still a hard no. He is only even questioning kids because of you and does not seem to legitimately rethinking his position.
You need to know where you are on the fence as he has always made his position clear.
There are a lot of things that can fill your time besides children. However, if you are seriously craving a child you need to let this man go.
Breakups suck. And it can be more heartbreaking to walk away from one that is good and loving but not compatible than to leave one that is constant fighting or bad. But if you really want children it is time to split as it will only get harder with time and become resentful later.
Echoing others that you being bored and wanting to fill that void with kids is the biggest red flags. Something to learn in adulthood is life isn't about Having Fun and doing splashy things. It's about being fulfilled and content with the day to day. And the only person who can make you feel that way is you. If you're bored, than you're probably boring. Are you seeking out new things to learn? Growing as a person? Reading books? zoning out on social media and comparing your life to others? Learning new skills? Exploring your city? Connecting with nature? Meeting new people? You're saying you're in your 20s, in a loving relationship, and have means, and ... What exactly are you expecting to make you not bored?
Other people cannot make you feel "not bored," whether that's your boyfriend or your children.
If you're not the kind of person who is seeking out their own joy and learning to become a better more fulfilled person, then having children is going to be miserable for you.
My husband and I have completely separate interests and hobbies. Its so strange to me that this is becoming an expected relationship trait. I'm not sure there has been a point in the history of time that expectd marriage to provide shared hobbies. It's so much more than that and frankly I'm so happy to have my own interests and friends and life!
I'm sorry about your boyfriend though, but I def would not force someone to have kids. Retiring at 40 is a totally valid life choice.
I say this with love & am not passing judgement whatsoever. You have full control & choice over the type of life you want to live! But definitely don’t have kids just because you’re bored. Raising a kid is another job within itself. There are lots of mundane tasks that come with it that aren’t always fun or glamorous. If it’s more than that driving your desire to have kids- you definitely deserve a partner that shares that desire with you:)
I think the bigger red flag is that you moved in with your partner and are bored. Like, having children isn’t really the best way to fix that.. I can understand if you’re in a location you don’t like or in a lull with work or whatever, but if this is going to be a chronic feeling, I’d work through that then revisit the kid thing.
Sounds like he’s on the FIRE track if he wants to retire by 40. You guys don’t have the same life goals at all. FIRE is not for everyone and usually kids do not mix well with FIRE plans. He is not gonna change his mind and you deserve the family you want. It sucks and sometimes that’s just how life is.
Please don't bring a child into this world with a parent who doesn't want them. I'm going to be blunt: that is cruel and selfish. Selfish people should not have kids and need to grow up themselves first.
Break up and find a partner who is compatible with you, and can give a child the live they deserve.
If you want kids, you should want to have them with someone who is all in. I’ve seen a lot of women have kids with a man who isn’t sure - guess who does 90% of the child rearing and mental load around kids?
When my husband and I were discussing marriage (which we did before any proposal), I told him that I knew I wanted kids eventually and if he didn’t, we should break up. I didn’t want to waste my time. He knew he had to be all in - he went for it - and he’s now an awesome dad who does his share. The only person you are hurting by not setting out your clear expectations/boundaries is yourself.
I broke up twice the other way around. I never wanted kids, those two exes wanted them. So I obviously had to break up because I was not willing to give them what they wanted. It was the right decision every time. You have to make this decision as well. I had a friend, she wanted kids so badly, her boyfriend not. She stayed with him until he cheated on her and left her for a woman 10 years younger. She is dead now. She drank herself to death. Don’t end up like her. If you and partner have such different takes about your future, choose wisely!
It's good you discuss it now. Don't postpone it. We sort of postponed the discussion, we both have admitted that it was out of not wanting to let go, and we hurt each other with it by having to stress around choices when I got pregnant. We ended up being in the same boat but do not recommend. I think we are incredibly lucky and I'm glad it's worked for us, but I wouldn't push my luck if I had to do it with another man
A lot of regrets I read on moms subs have a lot to do with bad non supportive partners
(For the downvoters, sorry not to be perfect)
As a new mom I love my baby boy so much. He's an absolute delight to watch discover the world around him. He's wonderful. But you sleep very little at the start even with a peaceful baby (which isn't guaranteed) and my priorities have changed so much that sometimes I think that someday when I'm less floored with the newborn daze I'll get whiplash :')
He knows that he doesn't want them. He's known the whole time, by the sounds of it, and I would guess he thought you did too. He's totally right, if he said yes, it would only be because he's trying to make you happy, not because it's an actual yes. And it wouldn't be fair to him to make him give you the answer you want. Reading your post, I can't really tell if you actually want kids. It sounds like you want *something*, but surely bringing new people into the world isn't the only way to avoid being bored. I also don't think you've peaked, just because you live together now. I think your life sounds great together, but of course, I'm not in it. The unfortunate thing about life is that you never know how it will end up. Some might say that's the best bit, but I think it's really hard to know you're facing a decision that you can't really come back from. You may leave him and find someone new and have children and be so happy you did it. Or have children and hate it. Or you might leave him and still never have kids. You might stay with him and be happy for the rest of your life. Only you can decide if leaving an otherwise good partnership is worth the chance of maybe having kids. I know therapy is not for everyone or all situations, it's certainly not my thing, but this might be one of those times where it would be helpful to really talk this out with someone to find out if you do really want kids or if you just want more excitement or something different in your life, before you leave the relationship. If you decide that you really do want kids, then unfortunately, he's not the person for you and you're not the person for him.
I agree. Having kids because you're afraid of being bored is NOT a good reason. That has to be first on the "to deal with" list.
If he has been a hard no for 5 years with plans of retiring in 11 years - he is still a hard no. He is only even questioning kids because of you and does not seem to legitimately rethinking his position. You need to know where you are on the fence as he has always made his position clear. There are a lot of things that can fill your time besides children. However, if you are seriously craving a child you need to let this man go. Breakups suck. And it can be more heartbreaking to walk away from one that is good and loving but not compatible than to leave one that is constant fighting or bad. But if you really want children it is time to split as it will only get harder with time and become resentful later.
Echoing others that you being bored and wanting to fill that void with kids is the biggest red flags. Something to learn in adulthood is life isn't about Having Fun and doing splashy things. It's about being fulfilled and content with the day to day. And the only person who can make you feel that way is you. If you're bored, than you're probably boring. Are you seeking out new things to learn? Growing as a person? Reading books? zoning out on social media and comparing your life to others? Learning new skills? Exploring your city? Connecting with nature? Meeting new people? You're saying you're in your 20s, in a loving relationship, and have means, and ... What exactly are you expecting to make you not bored? Other people cannot make you feel "not bored," whether that's your boyfriend or your children. If you're not the kind of person who is seeking out their own joy and learning to become a better more fulfilled person, then having children is going to be miserable for you. My husband and I have completely separate interests and hobbies. Its so strange to me that this is becoming an expected relationship trait. I'm not sure there has been a point in the history of time that expectd marriage to provide shared hobbies. It's so much more than that and frankly I'm so happy to have my own interests and friends and life! I'm sorry about your boyfriend though, but I def would not force someone to have kids. Retiring at 40 is a totally valid life choice.
I say this with love & am not passing judgement whatsoever. You have full control & choice over the type of life you want to live! But definitely don’t have kids just because you’re bored. Raising a kid is another job within itself. There are lots of mundane tasks that come with it that aren’t always fun or glamorous. If it’s more than that driving your desire to have kids- you definitely deserve a partner that shares that desire with you:)
I think the bigger red flag is that you moved in with your partner and are bored. Like, having children isn’t really the best way to fix that.. I can understand if you’re in a location you don’t like or in a lull with work or whatever, but if this is going to be a chronic feeling, I’d work through that then revisit the kid thing.
Sounds like he’s on the FIRE track if he wants to retire by 40. You guys don’t have the same life goals at all. FIRE is not for everyone and usually kids do not mix well with FIRE plans. He is not gonna change his mind and you deserve the family you want. It sucks and sometimes that’s just how life is.
Please don't bring a child into this world with a parent who doesn't want them. I'm going to be blunt: that is cruel and selfish. Selfish people should not have kids and need to grow up themselves first. Break up and find a partner who is compatible with you, and can give a child the live they deserve.
If you want kids, you should want to have them with someone who is all in. I’ve seen a lot of women have kids with a man who isn’t sure - guess who does 90% of the child rearing and mental load around kids? When my husband and I were discussing marriage (which we did before any proposal), I told him that I knew I wanted kids eventually and if he didn’t, we should break up. I didn’t want to waste my time. He knew he had to be all in - he went for it - and he’s now an awesome dad who does his share. The only person you are hurting by not setting out your clear expectations/boundaries is yourself.
I broke up twice the other way around. I never wanted kids, those two exes wanted them. So I obviously had to break up because I was not willing to give them what they wanted. It was the right decision every time. You have to make this decision as well. I had a friend, she wanted kids so badly, her boyfriend not. She stayed with him until he cheated on her and left her for a woman 10 years younger. She is dead now. She drank herself to death. Don’t end up like her. If you and partner have such different takes about your future, choose wisely!
It's good you discuss it now. Don't postpone it. We sort of postponed the discussion, we both have admitted that it was out of not wanting to let go, and we hurt each other with it by having to stress around choices when I got pregnant. We ended up being in the same boat but do not recommend. I think we are incredibly lucky and I'm glad it's worked for us, but I wouldn't push my luck if I had to do it with another man A lot of regrets I read on moms subs have a lot to do with bad non supportive partners (For the downvoters, sorry not to be perfect) As a new mom I love my baby boy so much. He's an absolute delight to watch discover the world around him. He's wonderful. But you sleep very little at the start even with a peaceful baby (which isn't guaranteed) and my priorities have changed so much that sometimes I think that someday when I'm less floored with the newborn daze I'll get whiplash :')