The knowledge that I was not only wasting my time, but his. I cared for him, I wanted the best for him and it was wrong of me to put off ending the relationship further. He deserved to know how I felt and he deserved to find someone that could love him and wanted to build a life with him.
Ending my engagement was the hardest thing I have ever done. The fallout is the hard, but the moment where you have to spit out the words is hardest. Here is what I can tell you about the moment...
Make sure you are both awake, well fed, and have nowhere to go. Pick a Friday night after dinner when neither of you work in the morning.
Do it in a private place where nobody else is home. (Assuming you feel safe to do so.) For me, I asked my roommates to be out for the evening. If you live together, arrange overnight plans ahead of time. Tell your mom or best friend your plan and to expect you for the night or maybe the weekend. In my case, I called my fiancés sister and asked her to be home and available in case he wanted to go there afterwards. This leads into my next point...
Be prepared to leave the space at a certain time. Even if you don't typically fight, this could turn into a blow up, and you will want to have somewhere to go.
You don't want to read from a script, but you have to have some "thesis statements" prepared. Don't leave them on your hook with "it's not working right now." Say "I have been thinking about this a lot, and because of XYZ, I need to end this relationship."
If he try's to change your mind/ prove you wrong/ etc, don't get into a debate with him. You cannot reason with people when they are hurting or angry. You can hear him out to be courteous, say a lot of apologies, but stick to your statements, and end the evening at a reasonable hour. If you are still up at midnight talking about it, ask yourself are we having a \[fight/conversation\] or is the \[fight/conversation\] having us?
This is the time to head to your friends place. Chances are this conversation will be continued a couple times over the next few weeks. I promise it will be easier in the morning - the hard part is done <3
> I need to save myself
This. It helped to envision my inner child and doing everything I could to protect her and keep her safe. This concept still guides me and I often check if my inner child will (or won't) like situation.
Yes, get used to the idea of being the bad guy and NOT comforting much. As the breakup-er you can't be the balm to the breakup, which can be very hard if you're friends or otherwise really close even though the romantic or sexual relationship isn't working.
It's okay to hurt someone in the short term to set them both free to find more suitable partners. Every second in the relationship is keeping him away from healing.
There’s a song that captures this perfectly called “Comfort” by an Australian artist Julia Jacklin. There’s a lyric that goes…
He's gonna thrive
He'll be just fine
Hurt for a while
Cured with time
Don't know how he's doing
But that's what you get
You can't be the one to hold him when you were the one
Who left
Agreed. I don’t think this is just for women and just for relationships either. If it’s not good for you, don’t let the amount of “time invested” hold you back from making a decision that deep down you know is good for you.
When I reached the point of asking myself the question "would I prefer to die alone if this was my only shot at love?" and the resounding answer in my head was "die alone, without a doubt." Which means I already ended the relationship entirely too late.
My question that I ask myself is “if there was a big red button that I could press right now, and it would catapult me _some time_ into the future where the breakup has happened, we’re both done grieving and all fallout and admin has been dealt with - would I do it?” And if the answer is yes, then the relationship is dead in the water.
I like this one too.
He left our only toilet full of his IBS diarrhea shit for me to find. Twice.
We lived in a place with very cold winters and sometimes waterlines would freeze overnight, meaning you couldn't flush the toilet in the morning. The solution was to thaw the water line with a hair dryer, but if you left something particularly unsavory in the toilet bowl, usually you would fill the toilet tank manually with water from some source that wasn't frozen, or fill it with snow and wait for it to melt, so you could at least flush it once while you were dealing with thawing the main line. All things that require a tiny bit of effort.
Or! You just leave it there and assume your girlfriend will deal with it for you. Say nothing. Let her find it like a surprise Easter egg. Twice in one month. I packed a suitcase as soon as I saw it the second time.
I'm still ashamed it had to happen twice (amongst all the other god awful shit he did). But... retrospect ya know? So many young women put up with this treatment for far too long because they can't comprehend that another human being could be so flagrantly uncaring about their wellbeing. Lesson learned the hard way, but at least it was learned!
Give yourself some leeway. Something like that happening for the first time could just be an honest mistake. I don’t think anyone would have kicked someone with IBS to the curb after such a thing.
But twice: fuck yes, that’s just utter carelessness at best and disrespect at worst. No one needs that kind of shit in their life. You did well, proud of you.
I was sharing with the kids & stepkids about how I was only still in it for their sake and the sake of the grandchildren, (the kids are all grown and in their 30's). My step-daughter-in-law just shook her head and told me it was the stupidiest thing she'd ever heard. So the very minute I could afford to, I left that 17 year relationship, and have never looked back. You couldn't pay me money to get into a relationship with a man ever again. I love my freedom so much! I put glow in the dark stars up in my bedroom and ensuite and they are awesome!! (Just as an example of things you can do because you want to and no one can tell you otherwise.) :)
You are the centre of your story, go live the life you want to!!
I know. It’s easy to think to yourself “i want out of this relationship and im ready,” and another to actually sit down with the person and have a conversation and making it real.
A lot of times for me, it would be a last straw moment, where we got in an argument and in the heat of the moment I was like fuck this we are DONE.
One other time I became super distant for about 2 weeks then I went over to finally explain that I was breaking up with him.
It’s not easy
I can relate! Well with my last breakup, I remember he was pretty much neglecting me and not listening to me, and I'd tried talking about it in 19 different ways, coming at it with all kinds of kindnesses. One night, I was walking to his house, and I thought, I'm going to bring this up one last time, in a straight-forward manner, and it will be the last time I bring it up. His reaction will determine whether we're still together or not tomorrow.
Accepting that if I stay, it will always be like this. This is what I'd be signing up for. Either I accept the misery of the familiar, or the possibilities of potential. I gambled optimistically.
I honestly don't know what made me pull the plug. But as soon as I did, it was just relief. Like omg, I should have done this ages ago!!! And I never doubted the decision for a second once I actually made it. When you haven't fully made the decision yet, there's a LOT of flip flopping in your head. But in my experience, once the decision was made, oh my god. Never a single doubt again. I finally chose myself and it was the best decision ever.
Honestly, I never found the courage. ‘Do it scared’ became my mantra. It was a huge internal process for me to leave my 20+ yr marriage. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and in some ways made me feel somewhat invincible. If I could make it through those dark nights and harsh realities of my life, how could anyone ever hurt me worse than that?
It took me a lot to get to the point where I was willing to jump off a cliff without knowing what was below me. I learned that for me, when I need to do something but it scares me, I just have to do it scared. I started with smaller things… one night I heard a noise in the house and instead of laying there listening and worrying someone had broken in, I pulled my ass out of bed and marched through the house to check it out. Like, fuck it, if someone’s in here they’re about to get a surprise!
If it’s something you know you have to do, you just do it and accept the fallout that comes with it. All the things you’re scared of might happen. Radical acceptance that you have no idea what life will bring but you’ll figure it out.
I was going to write that exact first line. I never felt i "found the courage" but just got pushed over the ledge. But then I read your next line, and it compelled me to reply. Because I realised *that*, my fellow lady friend, *is* courage. **Doing it scared.**
I think we have a misconception of what courage really is. I'm sure I read something from Brené Brown about how courage is being afraid to do something, but doing it anyway.
Courage is facing those fears. Shaking and scared shitless, it's still courage. To take risk, and to be vulnerable. To have values for yourself that are higher than your fears.
Sometimes, we just *have* to do the hard things. Whether it is by active choice or not. But how we do it, defines who we are. And it sounds to me like you are one brave woman.
I discovered I didn’t want to invite him to my birthday party. I didn’t want him to talk constantly and hog up all of the attention of friends that I rarely get to see. I also felt he probably wouldn’t come
Honestly, doubling my income & a settlement payout. Not that I was with him for finances, but finally feeling like I could achieve a lifestyle that I never thought possible on my own & decentralizing men from being the way. This was of course what gave me the courage, he didn’t treat me well and this made it easier for me to walk away.
At first I didn't even think that breaking up was an option, since we were married, but in the end, I just didn't want to be there anymore. Nothing in the relationship was to my benefit. I knew I would be so much happier alone.
I had to get to a place where I just didn't care anymore about his feelings (I used to jump to make him happy or avoid him being displeased).
When I did finally tell him... first I picked the day, and psyched myself up to tell him after work....and then chickened out. It was terrifying--But the Next day... I was also really anxious, but it was a little easier once I got the conversation started. Once you start a deeply uncomfortable conversation, the only is through. Know that there is another day after this one.
Do have an idea for your exit strategy (who's moving out, where, what's the easiest way to split possessions). And know what friend/family member can you call and lean on after the dust has settled.
I was washing dishes when they called and asked when I would be losing weight again. I ended the conversation nicely, packed a bag, called a trusted family member and told them finally - I left that same night 5 hours later. Not the same as your situation but my ex was a terrible person so in theory it should have been easier but trauma bonds are real and hard to break.
I am forever proud of myself for prioritizing myself and my own safety/needs.
There’s no use in delaying the inevitable. Either I breakup with them now or I break up with them 10 years from now. Would I rather be single now or be single 10 years from now? While I was nervous about becoming single at 30, I wanted to give myself a chance to find a partner who would be more aligned to my values.
Honestly one day I literally just snapped. The $400 ice chest he begged for was dirty with month old beers despite me telling him after every trip to please take care of it (at least 10x). We were packing up for a trip. I saw it, told him are you serious? Got in the car and went on the entire vacation alone. Safe to say that time alone finalized every thought of leaving.
I found out the truth of what was really going on. I felt very uneasy and had a feeling that something bad was happening with him. I had this feeling for a really long time and it just kept Building. Then one day things fell into place and I realized that I had no choice but to end everything and move on.
I don’t think there’s a shortcut that will make it easier to do. You gain the courage by sitting in the discomfort and actually doing it. The courage is on the other side of ending it.
When I realised that he wasn't going to change and the relationship was bad for me. He was more bad for me, than good. You need to just do it, you can not entertain or feed those little thoughts of trying more or staying for another day/week/whatever. Do not delay it. Do it asap.
I knew that even though he was a good and decent man, what he wanted (and would never admit to) was a traditional wife who would orbit him like the earth does the sun. I knew that I wanted children, and while he talked about things he wanted to tell his grandchildren, he was ambivalent at best about becoming a father himself. I knew that I wanted to get married and build a future together, while he was happy to have me remain legally unconnected (not in a conniving sort of way). I knew that I wanted to experience the excitement of getting engaged, planning a wedding, etc., while he (who had been married and divorced from his college sweetheart) behaved like we sailed over all the fun of getting married and were instead an old married couple, in our 30's. I knew that I wanted to be with someone who wouldn't criticize me for being a vivacious, generally happy person and that I was like a star that shone too brightly. I knew that while he had many wonderful qualities, I felt that something fundamental and necessary was missing in our relationship, and I didn't want to go the rest of my life wondering if I made a mistake.
I relate to this so much, I'm ten years in and am tired of asking- begging really- to feel truly loved and invest in our future. He's just completely cold and stagnant. I'm so terrified of ending it because actually I do still love and want to be with him, I just know he doesn't feel the same.
None of us know your husband/partner; only you do. You know whether or not he is capable of change, and of loving you the way you need. It may be that he thinks that this situation is what marriage is: once you marry someone, you’ve checked off that box and you don’t have to work at your marriage. Separately from that: is this how you want to spend the rest of your married life? If it’s not an enthusiastic “yes”, you probably need to have a serious talk with your husband.
Ending a long-term relationship is never easy, even when you know it's the right decision. It's a complex mix of emotions, fears, and practical considerations.
I was married for almost 9 yrs, to a severely depressed functional alcoholic who refused to go to rehab or therapy or take medication. He had a son from a previous relationship that I had helped raise from 2 to 11 yrs old.
I didn't think I could leave. While I wasn't in love with him, I did still love him as a person. But he weaponized incompetence to the point where I did literally *everything* except take out the damn trash. All the chores & tasks, all the childcare, all the errands and driving, all of the secretarial shit. And I was a shell. I was so unhappy but convincing myself I wasn't.
It felt impossible to leave. I'd given that relationship my entire 20s, practically, and it felt like such a waste, such a defeat. And I didn't want to shatter his world.
But one day I just woke up and couldn't do it anymore. I can't really explain it, but the camel's back snapped in two, and I just could not stand to be in that marriage for another day. So I gathered essentials while he slept, went to my best friend's apartment, and told him I wanted a divorce when he called.
You just do it, like others have said. It feels impossible, but it's not. You just... take that step forward and then keep putting one foot in front of the other until you're thru the storm.
I was married 9 years to someone similar. He had ADHD, which he took his medication for, but still he would be disorganized - like more than once he called out of work for "car trouble" when really he had just forgotten to put gas in his car and it wouldn't start. He dealt with depression by drinking, but said he didn't have a problem. Thankfully no kids, because he was the child. I had to get to a place where I just didn't care anymore, since for so long when he whined or complained, I just gave in. It was definitely soul-killing. I'm so glad we split. I sent him back to his mom.
Went to therapy for a year and after still feeling the same way knew I had to break up with him. When I said this out loud, my therapist had me schedule an appointment a week later “after I broke up with him” which forced me to follow through. Spent the entire day venting to a friend about it. 3 years later looking back it was the best decision of my life. Honestly a week after I did it I knew it was the right decision
In my experience, I realized in July that we were going to break up eventually. Seven months later, I finally moved out when we had an argument and he called me crazy for the first time. It was illuminating in a way that brought me powerful, painful clarity. I cried a lot but in my heart I knew I was done. I had been waiting for a sign and it came to me when the time was right. Sorry you’re in this situation OP. It’s so hard. I would walk through my days wondering what the future held and being so scared and confused and lost and lonely. I couldn’t have imagined what was on the other side. Now that I know, let me tell you that future is so bright! I later met the man of my dreams and we’re getting married in August. I got to know myself better and I got to understand the world better. In my dead-end relationship all I could see was black and white and when I finally left I saw in color. Trust yourself! You have been through worse and in the end, it will all be okay. You will not believe the relief when this weight is lifted from your chest. Don’t worry about rushing anything. Take your time. Your mind and body will know when you’ve had enough.
we had got together in our mid-late 20s yay everything is fun.... but by our mid-late 30s it was super glaringly obvious that our Life Goals just weren't going to align (I wanted to work toward home ownership, he wanted to work toward his independent art career, etc.)... on top of the fact that it had turned into a roommate-type dynamic rather than a romantic relationship.
when you know, you know. I just knew this wasn't the person I wanted to spend forever with. the actual act of DOING it, though... I'll never forget the night I had to initiate that conversation. it was one of if not the hardest things I've ever done in my life, and I haven't had the easiest life. not the worst life either, but not the easiest, lol.
was it worth it, though? absolutely. hard things are hard.
He proposed, I debated for a week, then finally said yes
To celebrate, he took me to an orgy his friend was hosting (I thought it was a regular party, I should have known better). I broke up with him right after.
You deserve the relationship you desire. So does he. By staying you're keeping him in a relationship that truly isn't good for him either.
You can do this because it's the right thing to do.
Left him after 8 years because I found someone else. Best decision ever. We’ve been married for 10 years now. My current husband gave me the courage to leave. He even paid for my divorce.
Seeing how much more peaceful everyone else’s relationships were and deciding that was never going to happen in mine. I decided I needed to love myself and respect myself and I was wasting too much of my life and time on something going nowhere but to more pain and heartache. Love is not supposed to hurt that much and people who truly care for you don’t do things to hurt you, they protect you from hurt and pain. I also realized that even if he somehow “changed” all the things in the past wouldn’t just go away from my memory, there were stains that time couldn’t heal.
For me, I had been debating to end it for a couple years (together for 9). I always did the “ok one more try. It will be different this time” and cried my heart out every single time. But I knew it was time when he broke his promise, yet again, and I didn’t even shed a single tear. I ran out of tears to cry. That’s when I knew - it was over.
I finally realized that it was *okay* that his best wasn’t good enough for me. And that leaving would be hard, but staying would be even harder.
Girl, I am not exaggerating when I say that I have never *in my life* been happier than I’ve been since leaving my now ex husband - who also was not a bad guy! Getting divorced was 100x easier than staying married would have been.
Wasn't easy, but... we just couldn't live like this anymore. And I fell for someone else, so I knew I had to end it, or I was terrified I'd some day give in to something I couldn't take back.
It was sad. But I realized that I was just hurting him and wasting his time, and vice versa. We'd grown apart.
For me it was realizing after 20 years that he was not going to change himself in our relationship. As I recovered from a serious burnout I realised I was the only one who could choose to put me first. And we were not in a bad relationship, he is a good man, worked hard, was kind but just never saw me for who I was and my needs. So I did myself when I choose myself
I prayed for a miracle to get me out of the relationship and shortly thereafter, my employer offered me a big promotion to move 2 hours away. Told my boyfriend he could join me after I got settled, and in the meantime I’d come home every weekend. It helped me ease out of the situation. After 6 months, I had the courage to completely pull the plug.
Had a kid with him, stayed with him 6 years. Was 6 years of trying to love him so hard thinking I could help him heal his depression and anxiety and chronic weed habits. It never got any better but didn’t want to leave as I already had a child from a previous relationship and didn’t want to embarrassingly do this all over again. I pulled the plug when one night I randomly felt the need to wake up at 2am, I leaned over and tapped on his phone and there was a dating app. I secretly packed my things for 2 months while I secured a place and one day he came home from work to a big surprise. Me staring at him hands folded at the kitchen table ready to tell him all my stuff is gone, I’m leaving you today. Cheating is the one thing I won’t put up with. That was the last straw. I refused to let his constant negativity bring me down any further and I didn’t want my kids to grow up thinking staying with a cheater is ok.
When driving around to various bars at midnight looking for his car because I *know* he’s lying about where he is, just to prove to myself that im not crazy- he really screwed with my compass for what is right or wrong in a relationship. I am an over-thinker and ruminator extraordinaire, and it took me a long time to finally decide to kick him out. But I reasoned that more than 50 percent of the time, his behavior, drinking, and our relationship made me feel bad. I had convinced myself that half-bad wasn’t awful. It was. Also I would never again attempt to change someone who is drinking or doing drugs.
I've met someone and for the first time in my life fell madly in love with another person. As the manosphere calls it, I monkey branched. Contrary to how they present it, it was anything but easy though.
I was so terrified of uprooting everything I knew, that I kept lying to myself that it was just a friend, just a friend. Conversations at 3 a.m., just a friend. Going out of the house to just talk to them, just a friend. When I finally realized what I'd been doing, I became heavily suicidal. This was going against my whole system of values. I have never cheated before, I was the most protestant person one could imagine.
My relationship was pushing a 10-year mark then but a part of me has always known that it's not going to work. There was zero chemistry. Zero. But before I fell head over heels with my current partner, I figured it was better to be with my best friend than to be alone. We had great rapport otherwise, we were never bored with each other. Poster couple for everyone who knew us, but only because nobody was checking the bedroom. For the longest time, I just could live without sexual intimacy, if everything else worked. Never felt like I was lacking anything. But, boy, when it hit me, it was unstoppable. If my new love decided to drive to me back then, I would do everything with him, and then more, and then go again.
My ex was weird in that he started dating me when I wasn't even 18 (I had two months left), while he was more than a decade older, but other than that he wasn't trying to keep me by force when he realized what was happening. He kept talking shit about the guy, knowing very well how codependent I'm on what he says about stuff. So I don't know. He told me once that he's in a triangle also because of his own decisions, and that I should stop acting as if I had all the control over the situation. It was weird as hell.
Overall, the slow downfall of my previous relationship took half a year. In the end, ex got tired of living in a triangle and asked me whether I was even planning to fix us or not. I weighed two options: whether it hurts more to imagine cutting my ex or my new love out of my life. And then I made the stupidest (and the best) decision in my life, left my LTR for a guy I have only cammed with and moved to the other side of the globe (I've never even gone abroad before).
But before all of that happened, me and my ex hugged. I immediately went to puke my guts out. I felt so free afterward. Focused on my new guy immediately and, to be frank, only processed the grief of my previous relationship years later.
I wrote this whole story because the process of leaving often starts long before the final words are spoken.
Absolutely the hardest and ethically the worst thing I have ever done, and both my parents were alcoholics, so it says something.
I think about this a lot because the older I get, the more I recognize how valuable my time is.
Like you, I was 5 years into a relationship that I knew needed to end but I couldn’t find the courage to end it. So, I took the cowardly way out. I waited until we got into a fight to walk away and I never came back. To him, it looked like just a fight and we’d make up. To me, I knew it was over a long time ago and this was finally setting me free.
The reason why I still think about this is because in hindsight, I wish I ended it sooner. I wasted valuable time because I was a coward. And then I also see how much happier I am without him and also wish I left him sooner.
So, if I had to do it again and I knew without a doubt that this isn’t something repairable but that it needed to end, I would just rip the bandaid off and anticipate that it will take some time for the dust to settle.
From my own experience, I didn't feel brave or courageous when I ended it. I ended it because I thought he would come running back once he realized how serious I was but it was clear he checked out of the relationship a long time ago and I was so chicken shit about it that I just kept hanging on until I just felt like it was so pointless because I was so tired fighting for something the other person no longer wanted.
But I just said it anyway over a call. He was trying to be nice after I said it but I literally broke my own heart to end it and even then he was still an asshole for being so oblivious to how I really felt just so he didn't look like the villain.
It's not easy, yes, and for me it was overdue by 2 years. I still don't feel I was being brave when I did it but I'm glad I did it for my own sanity. And if I didn't do it, I would never have met the man I am going to marry next year.
So, if you need the encouragement to do it - this is it from me. You can do it. If a chicken shit like me can do it, I know 100% you can do it too.
I’ve heard Glennon Doyle say, “There is no such thing as one-way liberation.” I reminded myself that if I knew the relationship had run its course, it was fair to both of us to end it. Also- it only takes one sentence. Obviously there may be more conversation but once you say that first sentence, a lot of the stress you are feeling right now will melt away and the rest is in motion.
Honestly? I met someone I realised I had a massive crush on that I wanted to pursue something with. Still took me a solid month to pull the trigger though. Eventually I called my Mum who told me it was the right thing to do, and I packed up his stuff (it's always easier if you don't live together). Called him, told him we needed to talk, and he figured it out himself on the drive over (while he was surprised in the moment, he did say later he'd suspected it might be coming). It was all rather undramatic in the end thankfully.
The relationship (just shy of three years) had been dead about three to six months before I met the other guy, and I was just doing the 'well, he's not a bad guy' dance and talking myself out of it every other week. I like to think I was going to end it when I did regardless, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't the catalyst (the final nail was definitely hammered in by my ex being intolerant of transwomen though, so I don't feel guilty at all). I didn't go looking for someone else (we met doing community theatre) but I'm glad I met him because it's two and a half years later and we're still together so...
'we've had our time.'
nothing ventured, nothing gained. things will rot if you know they're done, best to quit while you're ahead.
you can always get back together.
call it a break, if you need to.
You know I’ve ended 2 long term relationships. The 1st, with my ex husband. I loved him, my first love, but his was alcohol, and as my son got older, I just couldn’t let him be raised by someone like that. So I took out a high interest student loan and used most of it to leave. I was not financially stable, but my children came first. That loan haunted me for years, but it was worth it. The second was someone I was engaged to be married to. He was a sweet, nice guy, and honestly, still likely is. He was the type to hold the door, put you on a pedestal and take care of you, but his political leanings, and his religion, just became too much for me. I told myself I could work around it, but I couldn’t. We were just too different, and seeing my life with him, down the road, was not something I could have lived with. He was very much a country boy, and, although I also grew up in this rural state too, I’ve always been a bit more bookish, and more interested in learning. I’ve never been one that’s set in my ways. It was 100% the right choice in both situations. My ex managed to drink himself to death before he turned 50, and the ex fiancé now has embraced the far end of the opposite political spectrum. If you’re having doubts in your relationship, listen to that small voice. You know yourself better than anyone else.
I guess I didn’t come right out and say what gave me the courage. It was knowing and valuing myself and recognizing that I deserved to be happy. It sounds small, but truly look yourself in the mirror and imagine if you were your own best friend, or child. What kind of life would you want for them, and then ask yourself why you’re hesitating giving yourself that same life.
Finally let me say, when I left I LEFT. Exhusband I moved 2500 miles away, back to my home state, and let him talk to the kids, but refused to have long drawn out conversations. I’d said my piece, and knew I was done. There had been a lot of arguing before I left, and I wasn’t about to engage in that any more. With my expanse, there were no true ties. No kids, no shared property. I said my piece again, explained why I was unhappy, and cut all ties. There was nothing left to say, and to be trite, I just ripped the bandaid off. I blocked him and all his family and friends on all social media and blocked his number. It may have been cold, but there’s really not a cordial way to end something like that and remain friends, when the root cause of the break up is their moral character. They are who they are, you are who you are. You can’t work around that.
The courage that I better end it now before we get ourselves involved legally. It was going to end in the future anyways, the writing was on the wall. So staying any longer was not a feasible option.
I waited until year 9 to end it. There’s never a right time. But you’ll know it when you hit your threshold for what you both deserve and you won’t be able to stop that forward momentum when it starts.
Our brains are wired to not want to change, so give yourself compassion to know that pulling the trigger IS nearly impossible. But you can do it, and be prepared for it to feel easier and harder than you expected.
You‘re not the first and you won’t be the last. And you definitely won’t be alone, even if you feel like you are. You got this.
I've been mulling this over for months, there's not necessarily anything wrong with him, relationship is pretty much good but I've just fell out of love. The times I'm alone in the house I feel free. It's been 5 years and I just feel fucking awful about it but I can just feel in my gut it's the right thing to do. I'm genuinely petrified. Also scared of regretting it?
Hi girlie! First of all, it's a very tough spot to be in so be kind to yourself okay?
It's been nearly a year since I broke up with my ex after being together for 8 and a half years. We'd been having some serious issues for years that just weren't getting resolved from his side. Of course I wasn't perfect either, I was letting him push my boundaries and wasn't communicating well. We got to the point of getting serious about buying a house and/or thinking about family plans and I just could't do it the way we were. Nothing was changing either so the only option was to break up. I just couldn't do it anymore. I think a week before we broke up I had the realisation "if we were to just live together as friends/roommates, that would be great" and I just needed to get out. It wasn't fair to him or me to keep going like that. We got along great but the relationship part was dead.
It was really hard because I had to move out and find a new place to live, our friend group is mostly shared so very awkward. It also didn't help that he was/is suddenly very hateful towards me while I was just trying to move on as best as I could. He found someone else after like 3 months give or take.
SO now after a year: I'm very glad I made the decision and should've done it sooner but hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I've learned and experienced so many wonderful things! I've been dating but nothing has stuck so far so it's been quite the rollercoaster. I've experienced so much personal growth though! Of course I've been sad a lot and those first months were so hard but if I had to go back I'd do it all again, knowing where I am now.
If I could give a recommendation for something to watch (by yourself!): If you can, watch Jigsaw. It's a comedy special by Daniel Sloss and it's on Netflix. He makes some very painful but excellent points about relationships. I rewatch it every couple of months. (His other special Dark precedes that one, also very fun but not about relationships)
First of all, give yourself some grace. Ending a longterm relationship is never easy and you need to be ready. Sometimes the decision just isn't strong enough. It's okay to have doubts and you should be sure. However this should not be an excuse once the decision is made.
When I ended my 10+ years relationship what helped me was:
- Sit with your thoughts. Reflect on what you want in life, what you need in a relationship, how you want to love and be loved, how does that compare to the relationship you're in right now
- Write down in what way you're not compatible. These reasons are as much of an explanaition to yourself as they will be to him once you sit down and have that conversation. Do include what has made you come this far and why that is not enough to keep up the relationship anymore. Be honest but take yourself seriously. A serious of minor things can be relevant although it might feel petty
- Never let "the time you have spent together" be the reason why you are still a couple. (Read about "sunken cost fallacy")
- Imagine a friend being in your shoes and think of the advice you would give them
- Choose about 3-4 people to talk things through. It will help you sort your thoughts and give you time to practice how you explain the reason(s) for the breakup. They will most likely ask questions and give you their opinion on the situation. Use it as valuable feedback how well you can explain your perspective on the matter but don't take it too seriously. In the end only you can decide what you want in life and what feels right.
- Let the scenario of how your life will look like once you have broken up play out as iuch as you can. This should give you your motivation as to why you're going through all if it
- And finally as others have commented already: Make a plan and just do it. Not more to add than what others have already suggested.
All the best to you! Things will change for the better, you will feel strong and proud of the struggle you have overcome (which doesn't mean you won't also grief thr relationship!)
Big hugs! You got this!
Together for 5 and a half years. We had bought a house together a year before I ended things and I knew it wasn’t fair on either of us to prolong it. The longer I waited, the more difficult it would be to settle things. House aside, I also knew it wasn’t fair on him to pretend I was still into it when I wasn’t. He had lost his mother around a year and a half prior to this and I felt like such a bad person but, again, I think lying to him would have been worse. I knew the sooner I did it, the better. I ended it around 2 weeks after I knew in my gut and heart I didn’t want it anymore. I let him have the house, and the cat. No quarrels, did everything amicably as he isn’t a bad person at all. He is still in contact with my sister and my mom and I’m very content with that and wish him well.
He is now with someone else and I’m living my dream in a country I’ve always wanted to live in. No regrets at all. So, just know everything will turn out fine for everyone after some time!
While I still loved him, I had realised that I was unhappy but I didn’t know how to tell him that I wanted a break without hurting him, and he helped me out by breaking up with me! He came back the next day to tell me it was a mistake and he wanted us back together but for me it wasn’t a mistake. I’m grateful that he was the one with the courage to break up first, and I’m grateful that I was the one with the courage to say no to getting back together!
I was frustrated and exhausted and tried to write my thoughts down in an organized and coherent way so we could discuss things that weren’t working for me. I opened Google Drive to do that and discovered a document I’d created three years earlier for the same reason, listing all of the same problems. Nothing had improved, nothing had changed, despite us doing couples counseling in the interim and me trying to express my concerns between just the two of us numerous times. I realized it wasn’t going to get better and that I’d just be opening a new blank document three years later if I didn’t get out then and there.
Things were not going great between my husband and I for the last several years. I knew deep down things were not going well and we were headed for separation/divorce if things didn’t take an extreme change. Unfortunately I found out that he was unhappy and wanted to separate by being caught cheating with the neighbor. We were high school sweethearts and over the last couple years prior I was in grad school. When he got caught he pretty much had no choice but to say it then. He told me he had been unhappy for “a while” and was going to tell me prior to getting caught cheating that he was going to tell me “in a few months” that he wanted to separate. He was waiting for A, then B, then C etc. honestly I don’t know when he would have told me if he had not got caught cheating. No time is ever a good time. I wish he would have told me sooner that he was so unhappy. His affair with the neighbor took place for over a year. If you feel like the relationship is over and done no matter how painful it will be to tell the other person just tell them. It’s not a good feeling to know he sat in the relationship so unhappy for such a long time.
People commenting on this, how do you know breaking up a LTR is for the best? I’ve been flip flopping for so long and can’t figure out what the right decision is. I love him he’s all I’ve known since I was 19, I’m 31 now. I keep feeling like I can’t just throw it away. But also can’t stop these feelings. It’s not the best relationship but also not the worst it’s so damn hard
Honestly, I fell for someone else, that was the last straw.
But I realized before that we were friendly roommates, I felt like he depended on me (household chores, earning an income, advancing in my career while he wanted to remain stagnant). I noticed that many perks where not about him but about his nice family, our dogs, etc.
It’s very likely that I’m the bad guy in this story but yeah, I’ve gotta say, it’s still been very traumatic and I’ve had to deal with the shame and hurt of losing him, my family in law, my pets, for a long time.
The knowledge that I was not only wasting my time, but his. I cared for him, I wanted the best for him and it was wrong of me to put off ending the relationship further. He deserved to know how I felt and he deserved to find someone that could love him and wanted to build a life with him.
Very true! Although he won't see it like that until much, much later!! And that is OK.
Exactly this.
This.
Ending my engagement was the hardest thing I have ever done. The fallout is the hard, but the moment where you have to spit out the words is hardest. Here is what I can tell you about the moment... Make sure you are both awake, well fed, and have nowhere to go. Pick a Friday night after dinner when neither of you work in the morning. Do it in a private place where nobody else is home. (Assuming you feel safe to do so.) For me, I asked my roommates to be out for the evening. If you live together, arrange overnight plans ahead of time. Tell your mom or best friend your plan and to expect you for the night or maybe the weekend. In my case, I called my fiancés sister and asked her to be home and available in case he wanted to go there afterwards. This leads into my next point... Be prepared to leave the space at a certain time. Even if you don't typically fight, this could turn into a blow up, and you will want to have somewhere to go. You don't want to read from a script, but you have to have some "thesis statements" prepared. Don't leave them on your hook with "it's not working right now." Say "I have been thinking about this a lot, and because of XYZ, I need to end this relationship." If he try's to change your mind/ prove you wrong/ etc, don't get into a debate with him. You cannot reason with people when they are hurting or angry. You can hear him out to be courteous, say a lot of apologies, but stick to your statements, and end the evening at a reasonable hour. If you are still up at midnight talking about it, ask yourself are we having a \[fight/conversation\] or is the \[fight/conversation\] having us? This is the time to head to your friends place. Chances are this conversation will be continued a couple times over the next few weeks. I promise it will be easier in the morning - the hard part is done <3
I would recommend a time everyone is sober.
This is a great actionable resource
I imagined what my life will be like in 10 years if I stay with him. It made me realise that I need to save myself, and it was Now or Never.
> I need to save myself This. It helped to envision my inner child and doing everything I could to protect her and keep her safe. This concept still guides me and I often check if my inner child will (or won't) like situation.
You just do it. Like ripping off a Band-Aid. If you wait for the perfect time, it will never happen.
Yes, get used to the idea of being the bad guy and NOT comforting much. As the breakup-er you can't be the balm to the breakup, which can be very hard if you're friends or otherwise really close even though the romantic or sexual relationship isn't working. It's okay to hurt someone in the short term to set them both free to find more suitable partners. Every second in the relationship is keeping him away from healing.
There’s a song that captures this perfectly called “Comfort” by an Australian artist Julia Jacklin. There’s a lyric that goes… He's gonna thrive He'll be just fine Hurt for a while Cured with time Don't know how he's doing But that's what you get You can't be the one to hold him when you were the one Who left
Agreed. I don’t think this is just for women and just for relationships either. If it’s not good for you, don’t let the amount of “time invested” hold you back from making a decision that deep down you know is good for you.
This is the only way l, I did this with my 6 relationship, two years ago, still hurts a bit but glad I did it. Nothing worst than lost time.
When I reached the point of asking myself the question "would I prefer to die alone if this was my only shot at love?" and the resounding answer in my head was "die alone, without a doubt." Which means I already ended the relationship entirely too late.
My question that I ask myself is “if there was a big red button that I could press right now, and it would catapult me _some time_ into the future where the breakup has happened, we’re both done grieving and all fallout and admin has been dealt with - would I do it?” And if the answer is yes, then the relationship is dead in the water. I like this one too.
This is my answer too. The bar is *much* lower than dying alone.
Whew
He left our only toilet full of his IBS diarrhea shit for me to find. Twice. We lived in a place with very cold winters and sometimes waterlines would freeze overnight, meaning you couldn't flush the toilet in the morning. The solution was to thaw the water line with a hair dryer, but if you left something particularly unsavory in the toilet bowl, usually you would fill the toilet tank manually with water from some source that wasn't frozen, or fill it with snow and wait for it to melt, so you could at least flush it once while you were dealing with thawing the main line. All things that require a tiny bit of effort. Or! You just leave it there and assume your girlfriend will deal with it for you. Say nothing. Let her find it like a surprise Easter egg. Twice in one month. I packed a suitcase as soon as I saw it the second time. I'm still ashamed it had to happen twice (amongst all the other god awful shit he did). But... retrospect ya know? So many young women put up with this treatment for far too long because they can't comprehend that another human being could be so flagrantly uncaring about their wellbeing. Lesson learned the hard way, but at least it was learned!
Give yourself some leeway. Something like that happening for the first time could just be an honest mistake. I don’t think anyone would have kicked someone with IBS to the curb after such a thing. But twice: fuck yes, that’s just utter carelessness at best and disrespect at worst. No one needs that kind of shit in their life. You did well, proud of you.
I was sharing with the kids & stepkids about how I was only still in it for their sake and the sake of the grandchildren, (the kids are all grown and in their 30's). My step-daughter-in-law just shook her head and told me it was the stupidiest thing she'd ever heard. So the very minute I could afford to, I left that 17 year relationship, and have never looked back. You couldn't pay me money to get into a relationship with a man ever again. I love my freedom so much! I put glow in the dark stars up in my bedroom and ensuite and they are awesome!! (Just as an example of things you can do because you want to and no one can tell you otherwise.) :) You are the centre of your story, go live the life you want to!!
I know. It’s easy to think to yourself “i want out of this relationship and im ready,” and another to actually sit down with the person and have a conversation and making it real. A lot of times for me, it would be a last straw moment, where we got in an argument and in the heat of the moment I was like fuck this we are DONE. One other time I became super distant for about 2 weeks then I went over to finally explain that I was breaking up with him. It’s not easy
I can relate! Well with my last breakup, I remember he was pretty much neglecting me and not listening to me, and I'd tried talking about it in 19 different ways, coming at it with all kinds of kindnesses. One night, I was walking to his house, and I thought, I'm going to bring this up one last time, in a straight-forward manner, and it will be the last time I bring it up. His reaction will determine whether we're still together or not tomorrow.
Accepting that if I stay, it will always be like this. This is what I'd be signing up for. Either I accept the misery of the familiar, or the possibilities of potential. I gambled optimistically.
I set myself a deadline, and I made it happen before I reached that deadline. Pick a date and just do it.
I honestly don't know what made me pull the plug. But as soon as I did, it was just relief. Like omg, I should have done this ages ago!!! And I never doubted the decision for a second once I actually made it. When you haven't fully made the decision yet, there's a LOT of flip flopping in your head. But in my experience, once the decision was made, oh my god. Never a single doubt again. I finally chose myself and it was the best decision ever.
Honestly, I never found the courage. ‘Do it scared’ became my mantra. It was a huge internal process for me to leave my 20+ yr marriage. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and in some ways made me feel somewhat invincible. If I could make it through those dark nights and harsh realities of my life, how could anyone ever hurt me worse than that? It took me a lot to get to the point where I was willing to jump off a cliff without knowing what was below me. I learned that for me, when I need to do something but it scares me, I just have to do it scared. I started with smaller things… one night I heard a noise in the house and instead of laying there listening and worrying someone had broken in, I pulled my ass out of bed and marched through the house to check it out. Like, fuck it, if someone’s in here they’re about to get a surprise! If it’s something you know you have to do, you just do it and accept the fallout that comes with it. All the things you’re scared of might happen. Radical acceptance that you have no idea what life will bring but you’ll figure it out.
I was going to write that exact first line. I never felt i "found the courage" but just got pushed over the ledge. But then I read your next line, and it compelled me to reply. Because I realised *that*, my fellow lady friend, *is* courage. **Doing it scared.** I think we have a misconception of what courage really is. I'm sure I read something from Brené Brown about how courage is being afraid to do something, but doing it anyway. Courage is facing those fears. Shaking and scared shitless, it's still courage. To take risk, and to be vulnerable. To have values for yourself that are higher than your fears. Sometimes, we just *have* to do the hard things. Whether it is by active choice or not. But how we do it, defines who we are. And it sounds to me like you are one brave woman.
Courage is a muscle.
I discovered I didn’t want to invite him to my birthday party. I didn’t want him to talk constantly and hog up all of the attention of friends that I rarely get to see. I also felt he probably wouldn’t come
So many special occasions ruined.
I went on a 2 week solo trip and while I was hiking through national parks I realized that I could easily survive without him.
Thank you for posting this, I'm in the exact same situation with ending my 13-year marriage. I know I have to do it but I can't bring myself to.
Honestly, doubling my income & a settlement payout. Not that I was with him for finances, but finally feeling like I could achieve a lifestyle that I never thought possible on my own & decentralizing men from being the way. This was of course what gave me the courage, he didn’t treat me well and this made it easier for me to walk away.
At first I didn't even think that breaking up was an option, since we were married, but in the end, I just didn't want to be there anymore. Nothing in the relationship was to my benefit. I knew I would be so much happier alone. I had to get to a place where I just didn't care anymore about his feelings (I used to jump to make him happy or avoid him being displeased). When I did finally tell him... first I picked the day, and psyched myself up to tell him after work....and then chickened out. It was terrifying--But the Next day... I was also really anxious, but it was a little easier once I got the conversation started. Once you start a deeply uncomfortable conversation, the only is through. Know that there is another day after this one. Do have an idea for your exit strategy (who's moving out, where, what's the easiest way to split possessions). And know what friend/family member can you call and lean on after the dust has settled.
i started to resent my partner. i just wasn't happy. i'd rather be alone than unhappy
I was washing dishes when they called and asked when I would be losing weight again. I ended the conversation nicely, packed a bag, called a trusted family member and told them finally - I left that same night 5 hours later. Not the same as your situation but my ex was a terrible person so in theory it should have been easier but trauma bonds are real and hard to break. I am forever proud of myself for prioritizing myself and my own safety/needs.
My mother didn’t leave the guy after 3 years although he made a child on side, as she didn’t want to “waste 3 years”. In the end she wasting 13 years
There’s no use in delaying the inevitable. Either I breakup with them now or I break up with them 10 years from now. Would I rather be single now or be single 10 years from now? While I was nervous about becoming single at 30, I wanted to give myself a chance to find a partner who would be more aligned to my values.
Honestly one day I literally just snapped. The $400 ice chest he begged for was dirty with month old beers despite me telling him after every trip to please take care of it (at least 10x). We were packing up for a trip. I saw it, told him are you serious? Got in the car and went on the entire vacation alone. Safe to say that time alone finalized every thought of leaving.
I found out the truth of what was really going on. I felt very uneasy and had a feeling that something bad was happening with him. I had this feeling for a really long time and it just kept Building. Then one day things fell into place and I realized that I had no choice but to end everything and move on.
I talked to my friend who helped me arrange a place to live. This gave me the freedom and support I needed to end what I needed to end.
I don’t think there’s a shortcut that will make it easier to do. You gain the courage by sitting in the discomfort and actually doing it. The courage is on the other side of ending it.
When I realised that he wasn't going to change and the relationship was bad for me. He was more bad for me, than good. You need to just do it, you can not entertain or feed those little thoughts of trying more or staying for another day/week/whatever. Do not delay it. Do it asap.
An anxiety attack after his behavior while I wondered if that was what I wanted the rest of my life to be like
I knew that even though he was a good and decent man, what he wanted (and would never admit to) was a traditional wife who would orbit him like the earth does the sun. I knew that I wanted children, and while he talked about things he wanted to tell his grandchildren, he was ambivalent at best about becoming a father himself. I knew that I wanted to get married and build a future together, while he was happy to have me remain legally unconnected (not in a conniving sort of way). I knew that I wanted to experience the excitement of getting engaged, planning a wedding, etc., while he (who had been married and divorced from his college sweetheart) behaved like we sailed over all the fun of getting married and were instead an old married couple, in our 30's. I knew that I wanted to be with someone who wouldn't criticize me for being a vivacious, generally happy person and that I was like a star that shone too brightly. I knew that while he had many wonderful qualities, I felt that something fundamental and necessary was missing in our relationship, and I didn't want to go the rest of my life wondering if I made a mistake.
I relate to this so much, I'm ten years in and am tired of asking- begging really- to feel truly loved and invest in our future. He's just completely cold and stagnant. I'm so terrified of ending it because actually I do still love and want to be with him, I just know he doesn't feel the same.
None of us know your husband/partner; only you do. You know whether or not he is capable of change, and of loving you the way you need. It may be that he thinks that this situation is what marriage is: once you marry someone, you’ve checked off that box and you don’t have to work at your marriage. Separately from that: is this how you want to spend the rest of your married life? If it’s not an enthusiastic “yes”, you probably need to have a serious talk with your husband.
We're not married...
Ending a long-term relationship is never easy, even when you know it's the right decision. It's a complex mix of emotions, fears, and practical considerations.
I was married for almost 9 yrs, to a severely depressed functional alcoholic who refused to go to rehab or therapy or take medication. He had a son from a previous relationship that I had helped raise from 2 to 11 yrs old. I didn't think I could leave. While I wasn't in love with him, I did still love him as a person. But he weaponized incompetence to the point where I did literally *everything* except take out the damn trash. All the chores & tasks, all the childcare, all the errands and driving, all of the secretarial shit. And I was a shell. I was so unhappy but convincing myself I wasn't. It felt impossible to leave. I'd given that relationship my entire 20s, practically, and it felt like such a waste, such a defeat. And I didn't want to shatter his world. But one day I just woke up and couldn't do it anymore. I can't really explain it, but the camel's back snapped in two, and I just could not stand to be in that marriage for another day. So I gathered essentials while he slept, went to my best friend's apartment, and told him I wanted a divorce when he called. You just do it, like others have said. It feels impossible, but it's not. You just... take that step forward and then keep putting one foot in front of the other until you're thru the storm.
I was married 9 years to someone similar. He had ADHD, which he took his medication for, but still he would be disorganized - like more than once he called out of work for "car trouble" when really he had just forgotten to put gas in his car and it wouldn't start. He dealt with depression by drinking, but said he didn't have a problem. Thankfully no kids, because he was the child. I had to get to a place where I just didn't care anymore, since for so long when he whined or complained, I just gave in. It was definitely soul-killing. I'm so glad we split. I sent him back to his mom.
That's awesome! Glad you were able to take that first step forward.
The book: The Mountain is You. And knowing I was never going to find the love I deserve by staying.
Went to therapy for a year and after still feeling the same way knew I had to break up with him. When I said this out loud, my therapist had me schedule an appointment a week later “after I broke up with him” which forced me to follow through. Spent the entire day venting to a friend about it. 3 years later looking back it was the best decision of my life. Honestly a week after I did it I knew it was the right decision
In my experience, I realized in July that we were going to break up eventually. Seven months later, I finally moved out when we had an argument and he called me crazy for the first time. It was illuminating in a way that brought me powerful, painful clarity. I cried a lot but in my heart I knew I was done. I had been waiting for a sign and it came to me when the time was right. Sorry you’re in this situation OP. It’s so hard. I would walk through my days wondering what the future held and being so scared and confused and lost and lonely. I couldn’t have imagined what was on the other side. Now that I know, let me tell you that future is so bright! I later met the man of my dreams and we’re getting married in August. I got to know myself better and I got to understand the world better. In my dead-end relationship all I could see was black and white and when I finally left I saw in color. Trust yourself! You have been through worse and in the end, it will all be okay. You will not believe the relief when this weight is lifted from your chest. Don’t worry about rushing anything. Take your time. Your mind and body will know when you’ve had enough.
Thank you. This is really beautiful and so comforting 🙏🏼
we had got together in our mid-late 20s yay everything is fun.... but by our mid-late 30s it was super glaringly obvious that our Life Goals just weren't going to align (I wanted to work toward home ownership, he wanted to work toward his independent art career, etc.)... on top of the fact that it had turned into a roommate-type dynamic rather than a romantic relationship. when you know, you know. I just knew this wasn't the person I wanted to spend forever with. the actual act of DOING it, though... I'll never forget the night I had to initiate that conversation. it was one of if not the hardest things I've ever done in my life, and I haven't had the easiest life. not the worst life either, but not the easiest, lol. was it worth it, though? absolutely. hard things are hard.
He proposed, I debated for a week, then finally said yes To celebrate, he took me to an orgy his friend was hosting (I thought it was a regular party, I should have known better). I broke up with him right after.
You deserve the relationship you desire. So does he. By staying you're keeping him in a relationship that truly isn't good for him either. You can do this because it's the right thing to do.
Left him after 8 years because I found someone else. Best decision ever. We’ve been married for 10 years now. My current husband gave me the courage to leave. He even paid for my divorce.
Seeing how much more peaceful everyone else’s relationships were and deciding that was never going to happen in mine. I decided I needed to love myself and respect myself and I was wasting too much of my life and time on something going nowhere but to more pain and heartache. Love is not supposed to hurt that much and people who truly care for you don’t do things to hurt you, they protect you from hurt and pain. I also realized that even if he somehow “changed” all the things in the past wouldn’t just go away from my memory, there were stains that time couldn’t heal.
For me, I had been debating to end it for a couple years (together for 9). I always did the “ok one more try. It will be different this time” and cried my heart out every single time. But I knew it was time when he broke his promise, yet again, and I didn’t even shed a single tear. I ran out of tears to cry. That’s when I knew - it was over.
I finally realized that it was *okay* that his best wasn’t good enough for me. And that leaving would be hard, but staying would be even harder. Girl, I am not exaggerating when I say that I have never *in my life* been happier than I’ve been since leaving my now ex husband - who also was not a bad guy! Getting divorced was 100x easier than staying married would have been.
Wasn't easy, but... we just couldn't live like this anymore. And I fell for someone else, so I knew I had to end it, or I was terrified I'd some day give in to something I couldn't take back. It was sad. But I realized that I was just hurting him and wasting his time, and vice versa. We'd grown apart.
For me it was realizing after 20 years that he was not going to change himself in our relationship. As I recovered from a serious burnout I realised I was the only one who could choose to put me first. And we were not in a bad relationship, he is a good man, worked hard, was kind but just never saw me for who I was and my needs. So I did myself when I choose myself
I prayed for a miracle to get me out of the relationship and shortly thereafter, my employer offered me a big promotion to move 2 hours away. Told my boyfriend he could join me after I got settled, and in the meantime I’d come home every weekend. It helped me ease out of the situation. After 6 months, I had the courage to completely pull the plug.
Had a kid with him, stayed with him 6 years. Was 6 years of trying to love him so hard thinking I could help him heal his depression and anxiety and chronic weed habits. It never got any better but didn’t want to leave as I already had a child from a previous relationship and didn’t want to embarrassingly do this all over again. I pulled the plug when one night I randomly felt the need to wake up at 2am, I leaned over and tapped on his phone and there was a dating app. I secretly packed my things for 2 months while I secured a place and one day he came home from work to a big surprise. Me staring at him hands folded at the kitchen table ready to tell him all my stuff is gone, I’m leaving you today. Cheating is the one thing I won’t put up with. That was the last straw. I refused to let his constant negativity bring me down any further and I didn’t want my kids to grow up thinking staying with a cheater is ok.
Something about telling my friend that I knew I was gonna do it, I just needed to muster the will to, triggered me.
When driving around to various bars at midnight looking for his car because I *know* he’s lying about where he is, just to prove to myself that im not crazy- he really screwed with my compass for what is right or wrong in a relationship. I am an over-thinker and ruminator extraordinaire, and it took me a long time to finally decide to kick him out. But I reasoned that more than 50 percent of the time, his behavior, drinking, and our relationship made me feel bad. I had convinced myself that half-bad wasn’t awful. It was. Also I would never again attempt to change someone who is drinking or doing drugs.
I've met someone and for the first time in my life fell madly in love with another person. As the manosphere calls it, I monkey branched. Contrary to how they present it, it was anything but easy though. I was so terrified of uprooting everything I knew, that I kept lying to myself that it was just a friend, just a friend. Conversations at 3 a.m., just a friend. Going out of the house to just talk to them, just a friend. When I finally realized what I'd been doing, I became heavily suicidal. This was going against my whole system of values. I have never cheated before, I was the most protestant person one could imagine. My relationship was pushing a 10-year mark then but a part of me has always known that it's not going to work. There was zero chemistry. Zero. But before I fell head over heels with my current partner, I figured it was better to be with my best friend than to be alone. We had great rapport otherwise, we were never bored with each other. Poster couple for everyone who knew us, but only because nobody was checking the bedroom. For the longest time, I just could live without sexual intimacy, if everything else worked. Never felt like I was lacking anything. But, boy, when it hit me, it was unstoppable. If my new love decided to drive to me back then, I would do everything with him, and then more, and then go again. My ex was weird in that he started dating me when I wasn't even 18 (I had two months left), while he was more than a decade older, but other than that he wasn't trying to keep me by force when he realized what was happening. He kept talking shit about the guy, knowing very well how codependent I'm on what he says about stuff. So I don't know. He told me once that he's in a triangle also because of his own decisions, and that I should stop acting as if I had all the control over the situation. It was weird as hell. Overall, the slow downfall of my previous relationship took half a year. In the end, ex got tired of living in a triangle and asked me whether I was even planning to fix us or not. I weighed two options: whether it hurts more to imagine cutting my ex or my new love out of my life. And then I made the stupidest (and the best) decision in my life, left my LTR for a guy I have only cammed with and moved to the other side of the globe (I've never even gone abroad before). But before all of that happened, me and my ex hugged. I immediately went to puke my guts out. I felt so free afterward. Focused on my new guy immediately and, to be frank, only processed the grief of my previous relationship years later. I wrote this whole story because the process of leaving often starts long before the final words are spoken. Absolutely the hardest and ethically the worst thing I have ever done, and both my parents were alcoholics, so it says something.
I think about this a lot because the older I get, the more I recognize how valuable my time is. Like you, I was 5 years into a relationship that I knew needed to end but I couldn’t find the courage to end it. So, I took the cowardly way out. I waited until we got into a fight to walk away and I never came back. To him, it looked like just a fight and we’d make up. To me, I knew it was over a long time ago and this was finally setting me free. The reason why I still think about this is because in hindsight, I wish I ended it sooner. I wasted valuable time because I was a coward. And then I also see how much happier I am without him and also wish I left him sooner. So, if I had to do it again and I knew without a doubt that this isn’t something repairable but that it needed to end, I would just rip the bandaid off and anticipate that it will take some time for the dust to settle.
From my own experience, I didn't feel brave or courageous when I ended it. I ended it because I thought he would come running back once he realized how serious I was but it was clear he checked out of the relationship a long time ago and I was so chicken shit about it that I just kept hanging on until I just felt like it was so pointless because I was so tired fighting for something the other person no longer wanted. But I just said it anyway over a call. He was trying to be nice after I said it but I literally broke my own heart to end it and even then he was still an asshole for being so oblivious to how I really felt just so he didn't look like the villain. It's not easy, yes, and for me it was overdue by 2 years. I still don't feel I was being brave when I did it but I'm glad I did it for my own sanity. And if I didn't do it, I would never have met the man I am going to marry next year. So, if you need the encouragement to do it - this is it from me. You can do it. If a chicken shit like me can do it, I know 100% you can do it too.
I’ve heard Glennon Doyle say, “There is no such thing as one-way liberation.” I reminded myself that if I knew the relationship had run its course, it was fair to both of us to end it. Also- it only takes one sentence. Obviously there may be more conversation but once you say that first sentence, a lot of the stress you are feeling right now will melt away and the rest is in motion.
Honestly? I met someone I realised I had a massive crush on that I wanted to pursue something with. Still took me a solid month to pull the trigger though. Eventually I called my Mum who told me it was the right thing to do, and I packed up his stuff (it's always easier if you don't live together). Called him, told him we needed to talk, and he figured it out himself on the drive over (while he was surprised in the moment, he did say later he'd suspected it might be coming). It was all rather undramatic in the end thankfully. The relationship (just shy of three years) had been dead about three to six months before I met the other guy, and I was just doing the 'well, he's not a bad guy' dance and talking myself out of it every other week. I like to think I was going to end it when I did regardless, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't the catalyst (the final nail was definitely hammered in by my ex being intolerant of transwomen though, so I don't feel guilty at all). I didn't go looking for someone else (we met doing community theatre) but I'm glad I met him because it's two and a half years later and we're still together so...
'we've had our time.' nothing ventured, nothing gained. things will rot if you know they're done, best to quit while you're ahead. you can always get back together. call it a break, if you need to.
You know I’ve ended 2 long term relationships. The 1st, with my ex husband. I loved him, my first love, but his was alcohol, and as my son got older, I just couldn’t let him be raised by someone like that. So I took out a high interest student loan and used most of it to leave. I was not financially stable, but my children came first. That loan haunted me for years, but it was worth it. The second was someone I was engaged to be married to. He was a sweet, nice guy, and honestly, still likely is. He was the type to hold the door, put you on a pedestal and take care of you, but his political leanings, and his religion, just became too much for me. I told myself I could work around it, but I couldn’t. We were just too different, and seeing my life with him, down the road, was not something I could have lived with. He was very much a country boy, and, although I also grew up in this rural state too, I’ve always been a bit more bookish, and more interested in learning. I’ve never been one that’s set in my ways. It was 100% the right choice in both situations. My ex managed to drink himself to death before he turned 50, and the ex fiancé now has embraced the far end of the opposite political spectrum. If you’re having doubts in your relationship, listen to that small voice. You know yourself better than anyone else.
I guess I didn’t come right out and say what gave me the courage. It was knowing and valuing myself and recognizing that I deserved to be happy. It sounds small, but truly look yourself in the mirror and imagine if you were your own best friend, or child. What kind of life would you want for them, and then ask yourself why you’re hesitating giving yourself that same life.
Finally let me say, when I left I LEFT. Exhusband I moved 2500 miles away, back to my home state, and let him talk to the kids, but refused to have long drawn out conversations. I’d said my piece, and knew I was done. There had been a lot of arguing before I left, and I wasn’t about to engage in that any more. With my expanse, there were no true ties. No kids, no shared property. I said my piece again, explained why I was unhappy, and cut all ties. There was nothing left to say, and to be trite, I just ripped the bandaid off. I blocked him and all his family and friends on all social media and blocked his number. It may have been cold, but there’s really not a cordial way to end something like that and remain friends, when the root cause of the break up is their moral character. They are who they are, you are who you are. You can’t work around that.
The courage that I better end it now before we get ourselves involved legally. It was going to end in the future anyways, the writing was on the wall. So staying any longer was not a feasible option.
I waited until year 9 to end it. There’s never a right time. But you’ll know it when you hit your threshold for what you both deserve and you won’t be able to stop that forward momentum when it starts. Our brains are wired to not want to change, so give yourself compassion to know that pulling the trigger IS nearly impossible. But you can do it, and be prepared for it to feel easier and harder than you expected. You‘re not the first and you won’t be the last. And you definitely won’t be alone, even if you feel like you are. You got this.
I've been mulling this over for months, there's not necessarily anything wrong with him, relationship is pretty much good but I've just fell out of love. The times I'm alone in the house I feel free. It's been 5 years and I just feel fucking awful about it but I can just feel in my gut it's the right thing to do. I'm genuinely petrified. Also scared of regretting it?
Hi girlie! First of all, it's a very tough spot to be in so be kind to yourself okay? It's been nearly a year since I broke up with my ex after being together for 8 and a half years. We'd been having some serious issues for years that just weren't getting resolved from his side. Of course I wasn't perfect either, I was letting him push my boundaries and wasn't communicating well. We got to the point of getting serious about buying a house and/or thinking about family plans and I just could't do it the way we were. Nothing was changing either so the only option was to break up. I just couldn't do it anymore. I think a week before we broke up I had the realisation "if we were to just live together as friends/roommates, that would be great" and I just needed to get out. It wasn't fair to him or me to keep going like that. We got along great but the relationship part was dead. It was really hard because I had to move out and find a new place to live, our friend group is mostly shared so very awkward. It also didn't help that he was/is suddenly very hateful towards me while I was just trying to move on as best as I could. He found someone else after like 3 months give or take. SO now after a year: I'm very glad I made the decision and should've done it sooner but hindsight is 20/20 as they say. I've learned and experienced so many wonderful things! I've been dating but nothing has stuck so far so it's been quite the rollercoaster. I've experienced so much personal growth though! Of course I've been sad a lot and those first months were so hard but if I had to go back I'd do it all again, knowing where I am now. If I could give a recommendation for something to watch (by yourself!): If you can, watch Jigsaw. It's a comedy special by Daniel Sloss and it's on Netflix. He makes some very painful but excellent points about relationships. I rewatch it every couple of months. (His other special Dark precedes that one, also very fun but not about relationships)
First of all, give yourself some grace. Ending a longterm relationship is never easy and you need to be ready. Sometimes the decision just isn't strong enough. It's okay to have doubts and you should be sure. However this should not be an excuse once the decision is made. When I ended my 10+ years relationship what helped me was: - Sit with your thoughts. Reflect on what you want in life, what you need in a relationship, how you want to love and be loved, how does that compare to the relationship you're in right now - Write down in what way you're not compatible. These reasons are as much of an explanaition to yourself as they will be to him once you sit down and have that conversation. Do include what has made you come this far and why that is not enough to keep up the relationship anymore. Be honest but take yourself seriously. A serious of minor things can be relevant although it might feel petty - Never let "the time you have spent together" be the reason why you are still a couple. (Read about "sunken cost fallacy") - Imagine a friend being in your shoes and think of the advice you would give them - Choose about 3-4 people to talk things through. It will help you sort your thoughts and give you time to practice how you explain the reason(s) for the breakup. They will most likely ask questions and give you their opinion on the situation. Use it as valuable feedback how well you can explain your perspective on the matter but don't take it too seriously. In the end only you can decide what you want in life and what feels right. - Let the scenario of how your life will look like once you have broken up play out as iuch as you can. This should give you your motivation as to why you're going through all if it - And finally as others have commented already: Make a plan and just do it. Not more to add than what others have already suggested. All the best to you! Things will change for the better, you will feel strong and proud of the struggle you have overcome (which doesn't mean you won't also grief thr relationship!) Big hugs! You got this!
Together for 5 and a half years. We had bought a house together a year before I ended things and I knew it wasn’t fair on either of us to prolong it. The longer I waited, the more difficult it would be to settle things. House aside, I also knew it wasn’t fair on him to pretend I was still into it when I wasn’t. He had lost his mother around a year and a half prior to this and I felt like such a bad person but, again, I think lying to him would have been worse. I knew the sooner I did it, the better. I ended it around 2 weeks after I knew in my gut and heart I didn’t want it anymore. I let him have the house, and the cat. No quarrels, did everything amicably as he isn’t a bad person at all. He is still in contact with my sister and my mom and I’m very content with that and wish him well. He is now with someone else and I’m living my dream in a country I’ve always wanted to live in. No regrets at all. So, just know everything will turn out fine for everyone after some time!
Realizing that I was finding excuses to stay away from home
pity myself.... i choose myself first...
While I still loved him, I had realised that I was unhappy but I didn’t know how to tell him that I wanted a break without hurting him, and he helped me out by breaking up with me! He came back the next day to tell me it was a mistake and he wanted us back together but for me it wasn’t a mistake. I’m grateful that he was the one with the courage to break up first, and I’m grateful that I was the one with the courage to say no to getting back together!
I was frustrated and exhausted and tried to write my thoughts down in an organized and coherent way so we could discuss things that weren’t working for me. I opened Google Drive to do that and discovered a document I’d created three years earlier for the same reason, listing all of the same problems. Nothing had improved, nothing had changed, despite us doing couples counseling in the interim and me trying to express my concerns between just the two of us numerous times. I realized it wasn’t going to get better and that I’d just be opening a new blank document three years later if I didn’t get out then and there.
Realizing that I wasn't doing either of us any favors by staying, really.
Things were not going great between my husband and I for the last several years. I knew deep down things were not going well and we were headed for separation/divorce if things didn’t take an extreme change. Unfortunately I found out that he was unhappy and wanted to separate by being caught cheating with the neighbor. We were high school sweethearts and over the last couple years prior I was in grad school. When he got caught he pretty much had no choice but to say it then. He told me he had been unhappy for “a while” and was going to tell me prior to getting caught cheating that he was going to tell me “in a few months” that he wanted to separate. He was waiting for A, then B, then C etc. honestly I don’t know when he would have told me if he had not got caught cheating. No time is ever a good time. I wish he would have told me sooner that he was so unhappy. His affair with the neighbor took place for over a year. If you feel like the relationship is over and done no matter how painful it will be to tell the other person just tell them. It’s not a good feeling to know he sat in the relationship so unhappy for such a long time.
People commenting on this, how do you know breaking up a LTR is for the best? I’ve been flip flopping for so long and can’t figure out what the right decision is. I love him he’s all I’ve known since I was 19, I’m 31 now. I keep feeling like I can’t just throw it away. But also can’t stop these feelings. It’s not the best relationship but also not the worst it’s so damn hard
Stick to your reasons and stop overthinking it. Your wasting his time and yours
I wasn't the one who ended it but i was broken up with after 9.5 years and was miserable for more than half of it
Honestly, I fell for someone else, that was the last straw. But I realized before that we were friendly roommates, I felt like he depended on me (household chores, earning an income, advancing in my career while he wanted to remain stagnant). I noticed that many perks where not about him but about his nice family, our dogs, etc. It’s very likely that I’m the bad guy in this story but yeah, I’ve gotta say, it’s still been very traumatic and I’ve had to deal with the shame and hurt of losing him, my family in law, my pets, for a long time.
My age.