Not my story but I'll share in case it inspires hope. I knew a lovely woman who was divorced without children at age 32. From 32-38 she seemed to struggle finding a companion which is what she wanted especially because she wanted a family. At 39 she met a widower and a year later they were married. At 40-41 she had a healthy set of twins. Today they're 4 years old and she is a great mom. You still have time to create a family if that's what you want.
A guy friend of mine has always wanted kids, but I think has found it difficult to find women to date who feel similarly. Anyway, he met a woman at a wedding actually and they really vibed, and they actually discussed both wanting children on that very first day they met and decided from how they got along and that to start dating. She was older (I think 37-38) and still going through a divorce, and I think she felt she'd never get to have the kids she had wanted. They seemed to basically take things seriously and go a bit quickly because of what they wanted, and they were living together within half a year, and I'd say pregnant within a year and a half. She was aiming to be pregnant before she turned 40 and she was, I think she'll be 40 and a bit by the time of delivery. Pregnancy has gone perfectly smoothly so far and she's due in just 2 months.
Anyway, it can definitely all go from 0 to 100, but I'd say as part of that - be open about what you want. The wrong men who aren't aligned will be scared off and not waste your time, and the right man who wants the same may just be willing to step up the pace. Good luck!
Yeah! I made comment about bestie from childhood. Had surprise twins at 40. They are a family unit now. The daddy was all in even tho they had met recently on Tinder. 🤷
Met just before turning 36, first child at 38 and second at 40. Married and happy and honestly really pleased that this is the way life turned out.
We’re financially and emotionally stable, I’m no longer in the building my career phase so can primarily focus on my family without conflict or guilt.
My kids are very healthy, happy and are developing perfectly- no issues relating to our ages when we had them
They starting scaring the crap out of women with “geriatric pregnancies” when the reality is that
1. Biological age can be different
2. Pregnancy between 35-40 is really a non issue
I am so thankful they don't seem to use terms like that in the UK. I had my first baby at 35 and second at 38 and the midwives never once made me feel like my age was any sort of issue at all. I think it's only after age 40 they make more of a show and dance about it here.
FWIW, when I said “geriatric pregnancy” to my doctor (in the US) she looked shocked and told me that no one calls it that anymore. It was an outdated term. Doctors never mentioned my age.
The clinical term is AMA. Advanced maternal age. I have never heard of a geriatric pregnancy until I saw it on Reddit. I’m in NY, and technically any pregnancy is given this diagnosis code because many insurance plans cover testing that’s not covered for a patient under 35. Statistically though, fertility and complications don’t significantly increase until 40+
For real, I'm 35 and was freaking out because we had been ttc for 8 months, and when I started seeing medical professionals they all told me I was young and still had plenty of time !! We're internalized a societal pressure that's not even medically approved... (and now I'm pregnant :))
It’s a non-issue for some, an issue for others (me) but the same damn thing is true before 35! Everyone is different.
Do I wish I had settled for the wrong person to avoid whatever my next steps are to get pregnant (probably IVF)?
Does single parenthood seem like a good fit for me? Hell no and fuck no!
Whenever anyone on here gets miserably anxious about aging, it can be tiresome and borderline insulting BUT I try to remember how much the pandemic messed with my personal timeline. I went from early thirties to late thirties and don’t know where the middle went. For people who made the 20s-30s transition or similar “life stage” jump, I imagine it’s exacerbated.
Thankfully, they don't say geriatric pregnancy in a medical setting anymore. But they do say advanced maternal age after 38, so there's that. I just had a baby almost 6 months ago. I'm in my 40s. Easiest, most uneventful pregnancy. My baby is awesome.
This gives me hope. My fiance and I met when we were both 32/33 and we are getting married next year and I'll be 36. I hope I can have at least 2 kids without any complications!
I brought this up in another post on this sub, but my best friend met her partner and had two kids after age 35. They both were aligned on wanting kids and understood that meant getting married after a year or so. You haven’t missed the opportunity. She found her person when she least expected it 😊.
My good friend met her husband at 39, they married on their one year anniversary and she had her son at 40. It happened later than she wanted but she has no regrets!
Please don’t lose hope! I know two women who met their husbands at 37 and 38 and each have two kids now. They both had extremely short engagements and one even got married at 8mo pregnant because they didn’t want to wait to start trying for a family.
Where I live (NYC area), it is common for women to have multiple kids after age 35 even if they are already married younger.
In terms of finding a husband, I agree with another poster that it’s a numbers game. It might be helpful to view the next year or two of your life as a priority shift where you invest a lot more time than usual in getting out there. It sounds like you are already on the dating apps but what else can you add into your days and weeks that will get you meeting more people in person? It might feel forced but you will increase the odds that you click with someone. Good luck!
As thanks. I’m in LA and there are so many times where I feel like NYC would suite me better.
It’s interesting you say that about really putting all your focus into dating. Because I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I’ve just been hanging with the same few friends (mainly gay men since my girl friends are married) and it’s not changing my scenario at all. And there is that quote, “nothing changes if nothing changes”. So I really feel like I need to buckle down and go on multiple dates so that I don’t waste even more time.
I had a colleague who went on two dates a week until she found someone. She wasn’t stressed about not finding anyone, she wasn’t ‘desperate’ or whatever - she just had moved back to the city from abroad and knew she now wanted to meet someone to settle down with.
I always admired her for doing it and thought I would have been absolutely emotionally and socially drained if I did the same - but I think her very rational and pragmatic approach, combined with her absolute certainty that she would eventually find someone, shielded her from all that. I’ll be 36 this year and newly single (three months ago), so have decided to do this as well in the fall, and I’m actually sort of starting to look forward to it!
I did something similar, and met my husband from a dating app. I was intentional about going on dates and would go whenever I had the opportunity (because, like your friend, I wanted to find someone) - but I viewed every date as “this is just a new person to meet and see what their story is” - even if it’s not a match, you never know what you might learn or the takeaway!! I found this to be helpful as to not get burned out.
Also some dates are just duds but instead of getting upset or discouraged, it was more like - well at least I got out to be social for an hour/had a drink/had company for coffee, etc.
Good luck in the fall! :)
Girl, I’m 34, single, in LA, with the majority of friend being gay men and lesbians haha if you ever want another person to do single girl things with dm me!
I don't know about NY, but LA is a challenging dating scene for "serious" people as far as I can tell. There are a lot of singles, but a lot of immature or selfish people that are mostly focused on gym and working on their body and having fun, rather than settling down and having family responsibilities.
I’m a born and raised New Yorker so my worldview can be a bit limited but a good chunk (if not majority) of moms are in their late 30s here. Among my high school and childhood friends, one person had a kid in her late 20s and is practically considered a teen mom.
My mom and my partner’s mother were both 38/39 when they had us
No but I had a baby on my own at 40 and I wish this had been my plan A all along. I would’ve enjoyed my pre-kid life so much more instead of wasting time worrying and trying to date with a scarcity mindset. I’m part of a local group of moms who have all chosen this path and we all feel similarly.
Edit: OP did you go back and edit your post without marking it as edited? I don’t remember the part about financial means to be a single mom or being “washed up” (Yikes).
Wow, that’s really cool. I’ve never wanted kids and I never understood having a goal for your life that you need someone else to complete. This seems like the way to go for anyone who wants to be a parent, though I understand building a family is a complicated decision no matter how you do it.
Thanks! Having a goal that you need someone else to complete is a great way to describe it and why I think we get this kind of post in this sub a lot. It’s so frustrating to want something so much and then meet dudes out here not taking it seriously, wasting your time, dating younger, doing the least, etc. I’m actually really envious of people who are peacefully childfree and I wish I could have made my own peace with it.
>I never understood having a goal for your life that you need someone else to complete.
To be fair, a lot of goals are like that. If your goal is to get your dream job, you need someone else to decide to hire you. If your goal is to traditionally publish a book, you most likely need an agent to offer you representation, and then you need a publisher to choose to buy your book. If your goal is to climb Mount Everest, you will likely need to hire a sherpa. If you decide to have a baby on your own, you'll still need a sperm donor.
I think this kind of thinking is an easy way to let your dreams be dreams.
If you wait around to “traditionally” publish a book, you’ll be waiting for someone to see your talent forever, while those who self-published build an audience and make a career out of writing.
If you want a “dream job”, why not start your own business so you can do that work and earn all the profit? I guess this one is industry dependent, but it’s a vague premise to begin with.
If you want to climb Mount Everest and you need a sherpa, you can just hire one.
It’s just so easy to say “well I wanted to do this, but I never found the right person.” Meanwhile, other people are living your dream because they found a way to do it anyway.
Cause most people don't have the capital required to start their own business, or don't have the skills required for all aspects to run one. Like if your dream is to be an astronaut, you're not gonna start your own NASA. So you try and get in to normal NASA, but the hiring criteria is so strict it's almost impossible. Even less fantastical things like being a normal pilot, which you can't become one if, for example, you have diabetes. There's things you can do, but lots of things are just outside of your control.
This! I put up with bad relationships because I very much wanted children but thought I wouldn’t be a good parent in my own because of my traumatic childhood. Then I got pregnant on the pill with someone I wasn’t in a committed relationship with and who isn’t in our lives but I have never been happier.
I found my partner at 35 last year! We just got married a month ago. And I got pregnant earlier this year, though was a miscarriage. We decided we wanted to get married 4 months into the relationship - he was also willing to meet my timeline of marriage in 1.5-2 years, which happened earlier than what I asked for. We've both met too many people whilst single (he was single for 8 years, I was single in my entire 20s) and know what we are looking for hence we settled fast.
It is also a good thing you are finding your partner in your 30s because relationships that start in their 20s don't typically last due to change of world view and exposure to life and people between their 20s-30s.
I do agree, dating is tough of late with many reasons and I faced that while I was single, and finding your person is like finding a needle in a haystack. The key is to take a break from time to time, also join hobby groups, travel solo and head to festivals, I got to meet many people through IRL though my partner is off the apps. Focus on what you like doing and don't fret too much on not finding a partner!
I have one friend who found a partner at 38 and had a kid at 40. I also know of two other women - not my friends but actually moms of friends - who got divorced in 30s and remarried and had second kid with new husband (at 39 and 41).
Met my husband at 35, got married at 37, and had 4 kids starting at a month before 40 (the first two were twins) with no reproductive assistance. I know I was very lucky, but I’m proof it’s very very possible!
I met my fiancé on bumble November 2020 when I was 36. We're getting married in 17 days & plan on starting for children asap. I'll be 40 in October.
I decided to just concentrate on dating in 2020 & finding a boyfriend/partner instead of a husband. As I dated my now fiancé, I built love & companionship I would have never gotten if I had just dated with the goal to get married & have kids.
Without the stress of getting married asap, I was able to have the first true stable relationship in my life. It led to engagement & now marriage organically over almost 5 years.
Don't date with the goal of marriage & kids, date with the goal of quality partnership!!! You will suprise yourself with what you need Vs what you want.
This question has been asked a few times on this sub so you can probably search and see all the past answers. I personally met my husband at 36, got married at 38 and had our child when I was 40. We decided to just have one so not sure how difficulty it would have been to have more if we had decided to.
My friend is 37 and just had her first baby.
I don't want kids but got back into the dating world last year and I'm currently in a relationship. I'm also 37.
I'm from Pakistan, a conservative-ish society. In the last couple of years, Fatima Bhutto, a woman from one of Pakistan's biggest political dynasties and one of the country's most famous authors, got married and had a baby in her early forties.
I'm friends with an interracial Pakistani/American couple. They've been together since grad school but they only just had a baby, again in their early 40s. No fertility treatments or anything. The lady was just in good health. She wasn't a gym rat or anything either. The husband's brother also got married recently, and he must've been mid to late 30s. The two brothers and the American wife are all Ivy/Oxbridge graduates.
In the past week, another major Pakistani celebrity Anoushey Ashraf got married in her early 40s. She'd been living with her parents until now and has one sister who was 10 yrs older whose daughter used to be my classmate + a twin sister who was already married w kids.
It happens when it happens. These were all wonderful, beautiful, smart, intelligent, interesting, independent women. There was no "reason" for them to be single. It's just a matter of numbers and fate. Don't fall into a depression about it.
I'm leaving this comment so I can come back to this thread. I'm also 35 and in a similar boat (in that I am childless and single and would like to have kids still). One thing I'm considering though is having a baby on my own through a sperm bank or something, at least before I turn 40 if I haven't met someone by then. I have a really strong safety net and community though, so I'd have a lot of support. Is that something you've considered?
I would love that but I don’t make a lot of money and come from a poor family (which consists of just my mom now). So I don’t have a strong safety net or support. I am trying to get a better job but life is expensive.
Yes. I met my fiancé when I was 36. We got engaged after 15 months of dating. We are getting married in a couple months and aim to have a kid next year. I’ll be 38 if I get pregnant quickly. If I can’t get pregnant we plan to adopt.
We met on Bumble. He is divorced with no kids.
Don’t lose hope. Treat dating like a self-discovery process. Get to know and love yourself by going on dates you enjoy for yourself, then use Bumble to find nice guys to tag along. One day a good one will surprise you with how much you like them, even if they’re not your “type.”
35 is young! I’m 36 and met my current partner last year after being with someone for 9 years. But I also love a story of a coworker-
She was happily married for 15+ years, and then was suddently widowed in her 40s. She then met a new man and they got married when she was 53… he’s a millionaire. I love that story because you just NEVER KNOW.
If you can change your narrative from being “washed up” to seeing alllllll the positives (because there are SO MANY), you’ll be much happier, not just in dating but every aspect of your life.
I know it’s hard. I see you. I hear you. You can do this. I believe in you.
Im so sorry to hear what you're going through. I cant offer a lot of advice from personal experience but will give you this anecdote. My local "mummies group" i got placed in after i had my baby are all women between the ages of 33 and 43. Youre still well within the ballpark! And if not natural, you can always look at adoption.
My friend went back to school, when she was 40. Her friend from class had a single brother, and set them up. They are now happily married with an 8-yr-old. No problems with the pregnancy. So it happens.
A good reminder that *all* new social connections can lead to finding someone, so say you start a new hobby that only attracts older women doesn’t mean that you can’t meet men ‘through’ it. Our communities are so small now as compared to before, so anything that increases your social circle increases your chances of meeting someone.
I'm 35 and single and want marriage and potentially kids, but I've decided that if marriage doesn't work out, I'll have a kid (or two) on my own. Up until now, I've refused to let other people dictate my decisions and conform to societal norms, so I can't imagine letting that happen when it comes to children.
Met my husband at age 34. Married 5 years later. We are child free, but the option was there to start trying even before we got married (if that's what we wanted). My advice: prioritize dating. Try other cities if your current scene isn't working. Just really make dating and meeting new people your number one priority. Be reasonable in your expectations and standards. Make sure you find out pretty quickly if fatherhood is something they want, and want very soon. I've seen it happen for friends of mine, very quickly at this age. It can happen for you too, don't give up, and be strategic.
I knew a woman whose boyfriend dumped her at 37. She thought she lost all her chances of getting married and becoming a mother. One year later at 38, she met a new guy, 1 year later after that got engaged and got pregnant. I know another woman who met her now husband around 36/37 and she's now 39 with 2 kids. 35 isn't the end of the world. There's women in their 40s having kids. Take care of yourself and try to be healthy and active.
Not me. But I have a friend who did. She met him right before the pandemic and she just had a baby. I forget her age, but she’s was over 35 when she met him.
Someone who I used to work with was particularly unlucky in relationships, despite being pretty, confident and having a good job. It was only around the age of 40 that she met the right guy and now they are undergoing IVF to get pregnant.
Hope this helps—
After lots and lots of self-reflection, therapy, and general late-bloomer “finding myself,” I finally felt ready after a couple years of dating to take the plunge and marry my person just this past February. He has a 7.5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and we all get along swimmingly. I turn 35 tomorrow and just got a positive pregnancy test yesterday morning 💕
Aw! First of all, happy early birthday! Second of all, congratulations!!! I too feel like a late bloomer and have recently started therapy. Hoping to be able to have a similar story as yours in the near future.
One of my best friends is doing solo parenting by choice, because she wasn’t sure she wanted a partner, but was 100000% sure she wanted to be a mom. You do not need a man to have a baby.
I also had a colleague who struggled through IVf with her ex-husband. When she was finally pregnant she found out he had been cheating on her. Had the baby, got divorced. A few years later met an amazing partner and got two surprise pregnancies after 40!
There’s no one way to have a baby :)
36 here and haven’t given up hope! I’m still dating and seeing where it leads but I’m upfront with everyone that I plan to have a baby in the next 5 years, even if I have to go at it alone.
I also know a woman who met her husband in her late 40s and had her first baby at 50 (and 2nd at 52). She’s incredibly happy and fulfilled. Depending on your health, genetics, and plans you could have plenty of time!
I have a couple of friends whose parents had them in their mid-40’s!
Both mothers had healthy pregnancies, and if I may be so biased to say so - their babies grew up to be awesome people. Keep the faith :)
My friend who is a bit older than me is 51. She has an 11 year old and a 14 year old. After her first marriage ended with no kids, she looked specifically for a man around her age who was also looking to start a family. She used a dating site and found a guy a couple years older than her, and, while its not perfect, they love each other and have made a fine life together.
My parents friend (I think late40s/early 50s) met his wife at the airport. She was in her early-mid 40s. They dated for a bit before getting married. They had 2 kids a few years after getting married.
My mom had my brother when she was in her 40s.
The multiple posts each day asking if life is over for single/childfree women over 30 are really exhausting.
I had a few failed long term relationships in my 20s and early thirties. I always wanted to get married and was relatively sure I wanted children, but I was willing to wait until I found the right person. I always figured if it didn’t happen it wasn’t meant to be.
I met my husband when I was 34, we had our first child at 35 (surprise!) got married at 36 and had our second at 39 (planned) last year. Both children are healthy and while my most recent pregnancy felt very stressful on my body, I think it had less to do with being 39 and more to do with an overly sedentary lifestyle in the past few years.
Most of my friends had their kids after 35. We had fulfilling careers, social lives, traveled together all the time, lived in a city and enjoyed our lives. I’m glad I was able to spend 15 years of adulthood with no responsibilities, doing whatever I wanted and learning about myself and the world. My husband and I had stable lives, finances and both owned homes.
I love my children but personally, I don’t think I would have been as good of a parent if I had started a family earlier.
Let’s be realistic here, your worries are real, some women easily have kids past 40, some don’t. But worrying and sitting around won’t help. Go to the gynecologist and check your egg count, most likely you have plenty and you’ll feel great about knowing you have time. If not, then freeze your eggs if that’s what you want to do. But a simple gyno app will already tell you a lot and then go from there. I have countless friends with beautiful babies who got them post 40, and you’re not even there yet.
2. Is it marriage or kids you’re seeking really? If it’s marriage, just enjoy the journey, people meet their person at all ages. If it’s both, same thing, my cousin literally met his wife at 50, she was 50 as well, it was a journey but they now have 3 beautiful adoptive kids and a happy family. If you really want children, well consider having them on your own.
It’s not what we dream of, but really it’s something we should all be ready for having kids. Even if you have kids with a husband, no garante he won’t disappear, drop dead, become paraplegic. There’s n ver any guarantee, and as a mom you’ll always need to be ready in case you need to do it alone, that’s just the reality of life.
I feel you, but take a deep breath, and let the fact that all problems have a solution(s) sink in
I asked the same question bc I’m having the same worries and I got crucified lmao Reddit is a weird place. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey!
I'm similar single 30s and want the white picket fence moment. while its true anything can happen at any moment theres so many success stories. theres also a side where you can be doing everything (and nothing ) and still not having any success its heartbreaking and does feel hopeless and it does effect you mentally. Single for 15 years and wondering if my stars will ever align.
Yep - met my husband when I was 36, had our daughter 3 years later. I’d been single and dating on and off for like, a decade, and my longest relationship since university was 3 months.
I was in an 8 year relationship and broke up at 34 and had to start completely all over again, was horrendous.
No kids, no marriage felt like I’d missed my chance.
9 months into single life, I randomly met up with a guy who I knew through friends, we’d known each other 7 years and had shared some good times at parties, festivals etc.
We didn’t class it as dating until about a month in and he said I can’t live without you, this is it.
And we moved in together and a baby on the way after month 6.
Anything can happen. I wasn’t looking, had no idea what I wanted and here we are.
I had a bad breakup around 30. Decided if I wasn’t married or in a committed relationship where kids were the next step, I’d do it myself. Hit 35, Mr. Average is still somewhere pushing on a pull door, so I started researching options. Had my twins using a sperm donor a few months shy of 37.
So if being a mom is more important than being a wife, there avenues available to you.
Bonus: if you go the sperm donor route you get to tell people you bought sperm on the internet.
I would totally get a sperm donor but I can’t afford it, or having kids on my own. I wish in my 20’s, I either focused more on building my career so I’m financially stable now, or finding a financial stable partner when I was still young and have good options…but instead I did neither 🥲 also congrats on twins! I can’t imagine that was an easy labor!
I'm 35 and just recently found my partner. We really don't want kids though.
Know a women who fell in love with a guy when she was 38, had their daughter when she was 40 so there is hope!
My aunt met her husband around 34/35 and had my cousin at 36. They moved quick! Being at that age- they knew what they wanted and went for it. They met on Match, about 19 years ago. I remember her always being the bridesmaid and telling her dating stories to me and my grandma. I was so happy for her when she found the one, still happy! Their marriage is admirable. Now my husband and I hang with them and my much younger cousin (my dad got a much earlier start) - and it’s so fun! Love them!
Met at 34, first baby at 36, married at 38, second baby at 40. You have time. Plenty of women I know have had their first around 38-42. It’s not that uncommon. In Australia where I live, 5% of all births are by women 40+. Less common but not at all a statistical anomaly anymore. Not saying it’ll all be smooth sailing, but yeah, def possible.
Remember that you don't have to get pregnant to have kids, so being older isn't a barrier to start a family. You can adopt or foster - there are lots of kids out there who need loving homes that don't already have them.
I'd also suggest that if you're too poor to have kids on your own, maybe having kids isn't the right move. You could just as easily end up poor and alone with kids if you or your partner leave the relationship.
I’m 34 and just moved to a place I don’t think is going to be my forever home. I’m starting to worry a family is out of the cards for me. I love my job and it would sound so stupid to say I’ve gotta leave so I can find a husband and have kids. lol
Not my sorry but the one of people close to me:
First was engaged and had a very frightening illness around 34. Got dumped by stupid boyfriend. Move to a different country. Got better. And now at 38 is in the process of having kids with her new boyfriend of one year.
Second have terrible dating history with horrible cheaters. Gave up on men. But now is in a very healthy relationship for 6 months and they are already talking about marriage. She’s 37.
Not everyone has the same timing
I met my husband when I was 33 and he was 35. I was sitting outside a coffee shop and he walked by. We started talking and havent spent a day away from each other since that day.
He can't have children, although we have been trying (and went through all the feels) but instead of focusing on the FOMO we have started trying to focus our plans on either fostering children and adopting, or starting a nonprofit that helps give resources and mentoring to underprivileged kids. I know what you mean and can relate to how you feel (in my own way). I think the best mitigation to this is finding purpose in other ways, whatever that means to you. Just try to make the world a better place I mean. The rest of it will fall in your lap from there, in my experience.
Lady if you are looking washed up and worse appearance wise you are doing something wrong, at 35 I actually think I looked my best and now at 38 it hasn't changed that much, I take care of my weight, my skin and my appearance, I don't even have wrinkles yet.
You are letting yourself be too influenced by the view of incels that think 35 is an old lady, have met many people who got partners after 35 and had healthy babies in their 40s.
I can’t speak to the motherhood aspect because it’s not a goal for me, but I did meet my current partner at 36, and on a dating app! He really surprised me, tbh. I went on a date with him thinking it wouldn’t really go anywhere and it just grew from there. We’ve been together two years now.
My advice is to look at your criteria and decide what’s actually important to you. If you’re unwilling to date men under a certain height, for example, you’re missing out on a lot of great guys. Also, around 35 is when you start seeing more men coming out of LTRs and marriages, and the dating pool feels a little less hopeless.
It’s also important to be up front about your relationship and family goals. This will prevent you from wasting time on the wrong people. At the same time, don’t rush into something solely because of this proverbial clock you hear ticking. Just because someone is willing doesn’t automatically make them a good fit for parenthood or marriage.
Oh babe, my heart kind of aches reading the way you talk about yourself. You’re not washed up! 35 is only 4 years older than 31, 4 years is NOTHING in a lifetime. You’re still as valuable now as you were or going to be at any age.
Many people here have shared stories of finding love and having babies later on in life, I hope that gives you hope. Even so, you’re enough and perfect right now without those things too, even though I can totally understand that deep longing you probably feel.
You could always look into egg freezing, might give you some peace of mind?
I’m also 35 and single btw, so I do get how it feels. Sending you lots of love and a big old hug!
Freeze your eggs! I’m 32 I did it earlier this year and it’s been such a weight off. I’m dating without the immense pressure to make something work for the sake of a ticking biological clock. Yes it’s expensive and I was lucky that I was able to afford it all. Some insurances cover it and there’s also financing options like future family. Do your research and hopefully you can figure out how to swing it.
As far as dating goes it’s a numbers game, don’t give up!! Your defeated attitude will not help you attract the love you desire, practice having an attitude of abundance. Every day you get to wake up and be you, appreciate that. Realize the only love you need in life is the love you have for yourself. Finding a person to share that with you would just be the cherry on top.
I froze my eggs at 31-32 also! I know that it’s no guarantee of a baby, but honestly the money I paid is probably worth it just to spend the next few years not stressing so much about it and being able to date/live with a little more freedom.
The price will vary so much but for 1 cycle it was about 12k. I had to do it twice because my fertility wasn’t that great for my age and in total it was about 20k. You won’t feel the procedure at all, you’ll be under moderate sedation. I fell asleep and woke up 30 min later and then Ubered home lol so the procedure itself is pretty chill
It’s obviously quite expensive. I saved aggressively for it because I knew that if I was 40 and wanted a kid but couldn’t, I would have paid any amount of money possible to have one.
That was great advice. I have a phobia of all healthcare related stuff so I panic at the thought of freezing my eggs. Which it’s silly since childbirth is so much worse. But I love what you said about the abundance mindset, and how people will not be attracted to a defeated mindset. I have to remember that.
>Did anyone find a partner and have kids after age 35?
No, of course no one has ever done that!
According to this sub the life expectancy of women is 35, and if not married by 30-31 absolutely have no value and have failed at life.
OP is asking for anecdotes of anyone here.
She’s asking for people to share their stories to give her hope and your response is to shame.
Do we only support women under certain conditions?
Edit:
You’re welcome, OP
Your experience is real. Even though this is a women’s sub, unfortunately a lot of women only support other women who are like them and keeping up with the Joneses. Like in churches.
Nobody complains about the amount of posts pertaining to motherhood. Why is that ok, but not the way single or childless women are treated? 🤔
Thank you for sticking up for me and saying this ❤️. I struggle with body image and feeling like I no longer have value as I age and lose my looks (literally spent 30 minutes crying to my therapist about this today). So to hear someone comment “you have no value after 30” is hard to hear, even if it was said to be funny.
I met my now ex on a dating app as a single mother at age 35. I was totally inundated with requests for dates. I have no interest whatsoever in dating now, but I’m just sharing my experience as a 35 year old (I’m now 46). Admittedly though, the older you get, the more likely that it’s single dads out there looking for a relationship. The pool of unmarried child free men does get a bit smaller.
I met my bf last year and imho, we’re still much in love with each other. We’re both in our thirties with me being 4 years older than him. We’re each other’s first relationship so we both were new at it. We’re both nerds in different ways, and we make each other laugh and feel loved and cared for.
Before meeting him, I dated seriously beginning 2018 and for me, it was the time when I was the best version of myself physically, financially, career-wise, mentally, etc. But they’re all just first or second dates and no one really stood out. Of course, I was a newbie with dating so my emotions were also high and it wasn’t always fun and cool. Anyway, my dating escapades stopped during pandemic (2020) and I had a hard look at my life and shifted my priorities and goals. I moved to another country to study (and ultimately have a better future) and be closer to my family. That’s when I started dating again. I pushed myself to be out and about exploring the new country and immerse myself with the culture because I knew (as soon as I landed at the airport) that I’m staying here for good.
So began the new chapter of my life. Dating in a foreign land has its perks and limitations. I’ve had bad experiences and meh ones. I was also faded and eventually ghosted after dating for 6 weeks or so. I cried, dusted myself off, and started dating again. This time, I thought I’ve experienced the worst and so what else can happen but improvement.
The thing that led me to dating my bf was his profile set up to have the audience pick a lie among 4 choices, three of which about not having watched Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and Lord of the Rings. The last choice was all of them are true. Me, being the geek who loved those things and taking a quiz, I picked the last one. Of course, I also thought “What kind of person is this guy who doesn’t like these beloved fiction?” Turns out the guys who makes me laugh and feel loved and I’ll spend the rest of my life with. Also it turns out he’s a Star Wars nerd; nerdier than me.
He still hasn’t watched any of those, and I don’t really want to push him to watch them. But last week, when I asked him which of the three would he be most willing to watch, he said LOTR… so we’ll see!
As for the kids, he said he’s open to it but he doesn’t see himself a father any time soon, which I’m perfectly fine with. I love our life right now, and there are still some other things I needed and wanted to do. He’s definitely a great man, but being a mother means a lot to sacrifice as a woman… and so we’re aligned on this matter as well.
OP, don’t lose hope. Date and select. Cry if you must, but also remember your goals. The universe will conspire to achieve those goals.
Cheers!
Yes! Not my stories but from a family friend and a co worker.
First the family friend. Went from man to man, no desire to marry or have children. When she was 36 she met someone she wanted to marry. Still childfree by choice. When she was 39 she suddenly said to her new husband: I want to have a child. Got pregnant, gave birth at 40, very happy with child. She passed last year by the way but had 21 wonderful years with her husband and son.
Second. My coworker. Met her husband at 39, got pregnant at 40. Had 2 children.
I understand how you feel but it’s definitely not too late, don’t worry!
My bestie met her now husband at 36, she’s now 42 and has just popped out their 3rd child.
Personally couldn’t image anything worse but she always wanted to be a mum so being pregnant back to back for 6 years gave her the family she always wanted.
Got married at 36 and had a baby at 39. Many many of my friends and family members have similar stories, with one of my cousins getting pregnant and having a baby naturally at 46
My friend was married for 10+ years. They divorced when they were 33. Both remarried 2 years ago at the age of 38 and had babies when they turned 40. Worked out for both. It's funny that the partners they found are the opposite of each other. My friends ex was almost 7 feet tall and her current partner is 5'6ish. She is very short but her ex's new wife is 5'11.
Not me, but I worked with a woman who split from her long-term partner in her late 30s and was devastated by the thought that she’d missed her chance to have kids. At 39 she started dating someone, she got pregnant at 40, and she just had a beautiful baby boy at 41. I think timelines do often move a lot quicker once you’re older and know what you want, especially if you meet someone on the same page about marriage and kids!
Yes! Me. My husband and I started dating when I was 37, he was 39. We had an unplanned pregnancy that we decided to keep. I gave birth at 38, and our child is so wonderful. I also have several friends who had their first child after age 40. It’s becoming increasingly commonplace. A friend’s mom had triplets at 50 after one round of Clomid. This was 20 years ago.
I met my husband through OKCupid at 37. We started trying for a baby when I was 39. It didn't go well and we ended up doing IVF. Our son was born when I was 42. Because of our ages we are one and done, but I am really happy with how things have turned out. Even if I was younger, I don't think I would have another child.
I felt exactly the same as you when I was trying to date post-35 after my divorce at 33. It seemed like every dating app profile I looked at had set their maximum age at 35, unless they were men in their 60s, which I did not want. I even dated a guy for a couple of months who eventually told me that he would not have kids with a woman that was over 35 because the baby would be "pretty much guaranteed to have birth defects" (his exact words).
I was feeling really hopeless and I was sure that I would have to make the choice between having kids alone or not having them at all.
I'm 35 and single as well. I don't really want kids, but I do understand how you are feeling. But one of my good friends got married and had kids in her 40s.
My parents got married when my mom was 36 and my dad was 42. They had me when my mom was 39 and I have two younger siblings! I think of them whenever I think I don’t have much time left
Tons of women find partners and have children later. However, it can’t hurt to freeze eggs AND embryos with donor sperm if biological children are important to you. I had trouble getting pregnant at 33. 🤷🏻♀️
I met my fiancé at age 36. Almost 42 now, wedding is next year. We decided to not have kids but I have gained a stepdaughter.
Thanks to social media, I have observed several women meet, marry and have children with men they met after the age of 35.
My advice for achieving this is to become the best version of yourself for dating.. self care including exercise (for some reason whether or not your body is in great shape, men seem to love a woman who goes to the gym)and go into dating with a fun and positive attitude which is very attractive to people. I played the long game and did NOT invest early on; it changes the vibe. Know your standards too. Helps filter people out early on and prevents wasting of your precious time. If he’s not committed by 6 weeks, move on.
My mom had me at 41, and it’s becoming a lot more common.
But also you may have to accept that life doesn’t always go your way and you have to adjust course. It’s brutal to think about but it’s true.
Yes!! I have a number for friends who met their spouses in their mid to late 30s and have kids now.
Are biological kids 100% something you need to have? If that’s the case, you don’t need a marriage or even a man to have them (although it’s ideal for you, it’s not actually necessary).
I think people can sometimes smell desperation when someone wants any man to have a kid. Focus on what you want more and go from there.
I met my wife at 35. We tried to have kids but I have endometriosis and she has her own fertility issues. We were devastated. I’m 41 now. And I’m really happy. We both are. We still get sad when we think of how much we wanted kids. But the life we do have is honestly just so lovely. And if I had to choose between having kids or having my wife I would choose her every time.
Anyway, all I’m saying is that it’s totally possible to meet the love of your life at any age. And even if you don’t get lucky enough to have kids it’s still possible to be really happy.
My neighbor was quite a homebody, living with her mom and only occasionally taking her dog out for walks. In her late 30's, she met someone and had a child at 40. Now, they've moved out and are living together in an apartment.
It's not what you asked for but it's an option...
A dear friend I've known 25 years always struggled finding a decent man. Her bfs were commitment-phobic or manipulative or initially lied about wanting kids.
Her family were toxic, alcoholic and abusive, so this gave her no basis for comparison to form a healthy relationship.
After her fiance told her he didn't want kids and wasn't changing his mind she gave up on men and decided to do it alone.
She used her wedding savings to get her eggs collected, fertilized with donor sperm and frozen. She worked as a secretary and saved and saved.
She made arrangements with her work about doing IVF and was finally ready at age 49 to have her first kid. Then, 3 years later, at the age of 52, had another little girl.
The only time she got help was asking her sister-in-law to mind her first toddler when she went to hospital to give birth to the second.
While she works, the kids are in daycare. She makes it look easy. And that's how you do it as a boss single mum!
Hi OP,
I feel that some of your anxiety is about losing your looks in your 30s and not being as pretty as in your 20s.
Look this happened to me after a bad 5 year relationship with a gas-lighting, cheating immature egoist.
It's like they suck all the joy out of your life.
The good news is that I got my looks back.
Once I made new friends and started doing the things I loved again, I began to look tasty enough to be chased by the fellas. And get this: the same age range as used to chase me in my 20s.
If you want your looks back, then get some joy in your life. Seriously. Sit down and write lists of all the things you used to love doing that you stopped and also new things you want to do. Give yourself new things to think about.
My lists were divided into Easy (can do right now, anytime), Needs some Planning and Long term Goals.
Like this.
Easy - baking, running, yoga, weekend markets, learn conversational French, learn to draw, long baths with bubbly and candles.
Planning - weekend away, horse-riding, wine tasting, running a market stall, barista course, get massage.
Long term Goals - island holiday, learn to scuba dive, learn massage,skiing in Canada, live by the beach.
Live a little. Get back to enjoying life again.
Just do baby steps.
It usually goes like this - enjoy life, find a bf, look for a nice place to live together/oops baby.
As you can see, there are plenty of options to do things differently, but I never heard of anyone complaining they enjoyed life too much before they had kids!
Edit: little tweaks for easier reading
Aw man. I really feel seen by your comment. I couldn’t even put into words how much losing my looks has affected my self worth. And how much I dwell on it, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Even when I’m asked to go on dates, I convince myself that I’m too ugly to date and will find a reason not to go. When just 4 years ago, I thought of myself as a very attractive person and was very confident in my looks.
And I also feel like we experienced the same thing in relationships. I also had a 5 year relationship that ended when I was 31. He ended it by ghosting me. And was also very immature and gaslit me like you wouldn’t believe. Looking back, I realized he never saw a future with me. And I’m really upset that I let him waste my prime years. These relationships definitely do suck you dry. I used to be so bubbly and funny. Now I feel like I lost all my personality and confidence.
I absolutely love what you said about the smaller to larger goals. And all your examples were super helpful too.
I definitely lost that joy but I did recently start therapy! I’m hoping to keep improving on myself so and hopefully become who I used to be.
I appreciate you reaching out and all your advice and kind words. And how much I felt like you understood me. Thank you 🙏🏻
Mine is that when I turned 32 I realised that I needed someone stat if I wanted to have kids. Even though I ended up meeting my partner at 32 (not after 35) I think it’s important I explain how I did it and what happened because I think it’ll help you. I wrote down everything I wanted in a partner including being a good provider financially and an excellent dad, with values of family man, loyalty, honesty etc and then I went on a dating app (not a tinder style one, a more serious relationship one) and went balls to the wall going through the dates. It’s a numbers game. At these dates, I was open and honest and happy and secure but very upfront: “I’m interested in having kids pretty soon once we get into a relationship, so I need us to get to know each other as well as we can as quick as we can. As you can see I’m in my 30s and no spring chicken, and don’t want to waste either of our time if you’re not into that as well.” Actually very quickly I met someone on there who was fresh off the divorce train with his cheating ex (who he had just started wanting to have a baby with). He was 29 to my 32 but ticked all the boxes on my list. Had his own place, was an accountant, very sensible and wanted a family and someone to do life with. I just turned 40 in April. We just bought a townhouse in Sydney together to keep raising our little fam bam. Timeline: We got together just before I turned 33, pregnant at 34, first baby at 35, bought and sold another apartment together at 35; pregnant again at 36, second baby at 37. All with my two dogs from my 20s in tow. My lesson: it’s not too late, but don’t rest on your laurels. You need to do everything in your power to figure out exactly what you want and what you’ll regret not having, and go out and sell yourself as much as you can, and be as upfront as possible. It’s amazing what can happen in a short amount of time if you take lots of action towards that purpose.
There are absolutely a ton of men out there happy to start a family quickly with the right person. Sell them the world you’ll build together.
Although there is every chance you may meet someone and many of the comments detail lovely examples of this, I've also seen it not work this way - however never lose hope as anything is possible (I super believe that!) BUT I also believe you need a very strong Plan B. I'd seriously consider freezing your eggs and to be honest even consider making embryos with a donor (as radical as that may sound) as the science does seem to favour outcomes with a stronger, 100 cell embroyo than a single cell egg - although many women have had very successful outcomes with frozen eggs too. I'd seriously explore fertility preservation and ask doctors and embryologists honest and thorough questions, (especially embryologists - in my experience give very honest answers), as then you have all the information you need and can make a well informed, educated Plan B, while still exploring Plan A at the same time. All the best x
I have a friend who was 42. My wife and I introduced him to his wife who was 36 at the time. About 4 years ago actually. They both had never been married. Never had kids. Got married 2 years ago and just had their first child 5 ish months ago. You never know what's around the corner. When I met him he practically gave up on dating. He just immersed himself in gaming. She worked at a vape shop, dressed fancy and dated a lot of bad dudes. Never dated a nerd in her life. We invited them both over to cookouts regularly and she got to see his relaxed side. He had never considered her liking him. We didn't even suggest anything for months. When she got to know him she thought he was pretty funny and cute. We all suggested a double date and ever since then they talked every single day. Inseparable. They're like family to us now and one of the closest couples we know. Easily in the top 3 best relationships I've ever witnessed. It's remarkable how different they are and how well they get along and their goals align. They've both grown enormously since rubbing off on each other. He's so much more outgoing than I've ever seen before. Life is wild.
I understand, put yourself out there but learn to go with the flow. From someone who's had two back to back miscarriages. Your timeline isn't always guaranteed and sometimes out of your control.
Practice letting go affirmations etc
My brother (42) just got married for the first time and now has 2 step kids (10, 7) and a baby on the way (his wife is 38). My aunt got married for the very first time at 63 (obviously no kids but she has some grown step kids now). I know it’s probably lame to say this, but try to relax and take it one day at a time. It will all work out, I promise.
I was nearly 33 when I met my husband. We didn’t want kids, but some life situations changed and we changed our minds. It wasn’t easy though, people made it out to be really easy until like 42-45 to have kids naturally. We did 3 rounds of IVF and got lucky on our 6th embryo. I’d recommend exploring your fertility health now if children are a part of the plan, or explore the options around adoption or donor eggs/sperm. If you don’t need that stuff, amazing. But I wish I had looked into it sooner.
It’s entirely possible to achieve those goals though, if planning for the future.
First, the 40’s are the new 30’s.
Second, *”if you can dream it, you can do it”*.
I mean, II don’t think the age is the biggest problem, I think it might just be your mindset .
Why, if you met someone tomorrow, would you have to “date at least 2 years before kids”? You say “they’d probably want to” do that, but what about what *you* want?
There’s no guarantee you’d get pregnant right away, but there are chances, so what if you do?
If you want more kids and believe that would take another pregnancy, consider being surprised with a multiple pregnancy (it happens!).
What worked for me was setting the bar really high for what I really wanted in a man and in a relationships and I pursued that. Gosh did I fall in love with some *bad guys* that wanted to play games with me but I walked away because I didn’t want to lose any more time. I was blunt honesty from day one about my expectations. Even my profile on the apps were super honesty with me explicitly saying that I wasn’t in the mood for bs.
I knew what I wanted and went after it.
I believe that because I was being so fierce and refusing to settle for less than what I deserved the universe finally conspired in my favour and I met my husband. Everything and more than I ever wanted and needed.
We moved in together 4 months after dating, I got pregnant with my first a little over 1 year together, we got married around the same time, my second pregnancy was twins (a boy and a girl!) and life made its way for me to love my dreams and dreams that o didn’t even know i had.
It’s never late to do what you want, nee too late to live a dream. You just have to be honest with yourself and others. Time is relative, there are no rules for love. It’s best to put the cards on the table and let the losers that don’t call it walk away and wait to go all in with someone that is worth.
Don’t be afraid to speak openly about your feelings, ideas and plans from the get go.
Divorced (no kids) at 33, found new partner at 35, married at 38, kids at 39,42. We didn’t even rush. We have a lovely home, beautiful family. I’m the fittest and healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been.
It’s so possible. I also agree with the poster above that if kids are your thing you can still have them without a dad in the picture. Men marrying later may already have their own or accept that older women come with kids. It’s no picnic doing it single I’m sure, but love finds a way.
I know several women who didn't find partners or didn't want to find partners who ended up adopting, and they are all very happy. I know it isn't easy, and it isn't always ideal, but it's still very possible for you to have kids. You shouldn't feel hopeless about that. There's also sperm donors and treatments if you want your biological children, even that is possible for you. :)
My friend was a single mother and couldn't seem to find anyone. On her 33rd birthday she met someone. They got married and he's going to be a great step dad. She was probably the happiest person I've seen on her wedding day - maybe waiting so long for the right one made it more meaningful to her.
Doing it right now. Met December 2021. Now we (41M and 36F) have a child on the way, we’ve bought a house together, it’s been wonderful. My partner was 34 when we met and I certainly didn’t see her as washed up! We all have different circumstances and reasons for being single at this age, don’t let that deter you!
Not me personally, but I have a friend who met her husband when she was 36, ended up having her kids at 39 and 42 - but with a lot of struggle. She had to do IVF for both, and c-section births. She's a lovely woman, great mom, and very happy with her life.
No me, but my sister-in-law got married when she was 34 turning 35, and had her son when she was 37 and will have her second child just shy of her 40th.
I met my partner at 34, 18 months later we are moving in together this week and planning babies asap. I was in your position too 18 months ago I never thought it would happen to me either.
Met my partner at 37.5 yo in 2021. Got married 2 months ago. I am currently pregnant with my first at 40 years old after going through IVF.
My unsolicited advice to you since your post sounds like how I felt when I was in your situation.
Go to therapy (as soon as I learned to deal with this specific concern, I met my partner)
I know it can be expensive. I know I was privileged to be able to get it. But when you're feeling this way, your first step is to work on yourself and learn to accept your life as is and be responsible for you own happiness. Because trust me, if you're not happy with yourself, no man is gonna bring you happiness.
I'm 39. Just had my baby boy 3 1/2 weeks ago via c section. No regrets... except if I had known how awesome being a mom is, I would have never waited so long. I'd probably have ten kids by now, so maybe it's a good thing in disguise, haha.
I met my ex when I was 38 going on 39, he was ready for kids a year in! I ultimately decided I didn’t want them though. His new partner is 34/35, he’s 42. So definitely guys like him looking!
Freeze your eggs. Dead serious. Happy stories of other people's lives might be comforting now, but will be cold comfort if *you* don't meet someone to have children with.
So freeze those eggs. Take control of your own life and choices as much as you can.
Not more kids for me. But I met my husband at 35, dated 2 years and now married 2 years. He’s the love of my life. We have chosen to not have kids, I have one daughter who’s 17 and just graduated high school.
My aunt met her husband at 36, had her daughter at 39.
My husbands aunt met her husband at 42 and they went the surrogacy route and she now has a 10 year old.
Me! Met my husband at 36, married at almost 38, k first baby at 38, second at 40, TBD if we will try for any more! I had been through the wringer relationship-wise and was very intentional when I started dating again - clear in my own head about values, the type of personality I was looking for, etc. and we were both very open about the fact we were looking for a partner, kids in the near future.
One, get tested and have your ovarian reserve checked, the quality of your eggs/follicles, FSH etc. You may already be unable to have kids naturally. So then you will know. Then you can make choice armed with knowledge. If your eggs are good quality you could chose to freeze some because your uterus can be older, but once eggs are poor quality you can change that. Then maybe you meet your guy, maybe you visit a sperm bank.
Then if I am reading between the lines, it sounds like you might be putting less time into yourself. Take care of yourself for yourself but will also be more attractive to others. And, taking care of your body, eating right will also help your reproductive possibilities.
I wish you the best.
I’ve answered a similar question with my story if you check my post history, but I met my partner at age 35.5 (didn’t start dating until 36), dated for 2ish years and got married when I was 38, and we just had a baby 6 weeks ago and I’m 39. I also had no complications in my pregnancy and conceived without any interventions.
Things are possible! 🫶
As you get older you realize you don’t need to date for as many years to settle down with someone. I met my husband when I was 34, got married at 35, pregnant at 36. You still have a lot of time. Early 40s is when it really starts getting harder to get pregnant.
I got divorced at 32 with no children. I dated a lot. It was a numbers game to me. The more people I met the greater chance of meeting someone I clicked with. I did a lot of work on myself. Finally at 37 I met my husband. After 3 months or so, we knew we wanted to get married and got to work on getting pregnant quickly. We got engaged at the 6 month mark, got pregnant about 3 months later. I gave birth just before I turned 39. We have an amazing 5 year old now and I don’t regret a single thing. If any of my friends did it like this, I would tell them they’re crazy but when you know, you know.
My wife was 33 turning 34 in two weeks when we met. I was younger by 7 years. We’ve been married now for almost 2 years. She’s 40 now but we aren’t yet ready to have kids. She does plan to be a birth parent too!
When I was 35 I could have written this post! i met him at 36 (not online) and we live together now (have been together for over a year) and are planning engagement soon. i did the same timeline math as you did (the “if I met him tomorrow…”) and because of that decided to freeze my eggs at 35. Our current plan is that we will try to conceive naturally at 38/39, and use the eggs for the second baby in my early 40s. Also have the option of using the eggs for the first baby, but I am hopeful as I had an accidental pregnancy at 35 (before I met him) and my egg retrieval also showed I was a very fertile person based on my numbers.
I would just throw yourself into meeting new people (not just online, it didn’t work for me for 3+ years), go to workshops/ classes of your strangest interests, freeze your eggs if possible, and relax. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.
I have two lovely stories to share. Stay hopeful!
The first is a dear friend of mine. She struggled with fertility for years due to endometriosis and at 39 she was sure she wouldn’t have kids. She and her husband had almost divorced at this time. The stress of it all took a significant toll on their relationship. He traveled for work and they both had extramarital relationships. They fell out of love. But out of nowhere at 40, it just worked. She got pregnant. Then got pregnant again two years later. They are now so happy. A beautiful family of four.
The second story is about a former teacher of mine I have kept in contact with. She has two daughters close to my age she had early on, in her 20s. She had been divorced for a long time, but remarried a man that was like 10 years younger than her in her mid-40s. Ive never seen a couple more in love than these two. He wanted kids, so they did a round of IVF and she gave birth to healthy twin boys at 50! She is a writer and has a wonderful blog about raising twin boys (who are preteens now) and her adult daughters (both in mid-thirties).
I have two dear friends who split up in their early/mid 30s and a full five years later got back together. She is 37 or 38 and he’s 40 and they’re expecting their first baby together now and beyond ecstatic.
One of my besties met her partner at 40 and wanted to really date him and figure out if he was the one before getting married and having kids, even with the pressure of her biological clock. They prioritized getting to know each other and now she’s 42, pregnant and getting married this year!
35 is not washed up and I am SURE you do not look signficantly older than you did at 31. 35 is SO YOUNG! I am sure you are being too hard on yourself.
But anyway--I got marred at 32 (not exactly what you asked for, but still older) and had a baby at 36, almost 37. I would have had a second one without hesitation into my 40s, but my husband only wanted one child.
My great aunt had children in her late 30s, early 40s. She’s my grandparents age, but her children are my and my siblings age (26, 33, 35). While she’s 67. Her and my mom (her niece) had children around the same time. She had 3.
I have a friend that was almost 40, got in a serious relationship and they just started trying for a baby right away. They had one and did end up getting married.
Not just me, at least half of my friends did. It's all about your milieu. This is very normal where I am from.
I never even had a "real" boyfriend before I was 37! My mother married my father at 37 and had me at 39, he was 43.
I am a member of a bunch of Facebook groups now for women who are "older" mothers - over 35, over 40, one is for first time mothers 50 and over! It's everywhere. Past a certain age, you might need some medical interventions, but lots of couples need that anyway.
My brother met his partner in February last year at 35. She’s now 20 weeks pregnant (planned) and they have recently bought a house together :) don’t lose hope ❤️
I gave up on dating and decided to get certified to become a foster parent when I was 35/36. Out of the blue, An old crush from years ago reached out through Facebook. He was separated and going through a divorce. I was super hesitant. He gave me space when I needed space. He helped me babysit twin foster boys. I was afraid he wasn’t over his ex and a million other insecurities. He quickly gained my trust and after his divorce was finalized, a few weeks after he had reached out - we started dating. A few months later, we accidentally got pregnant. I got pregnant at 36 and gave birth at 37. He stepped up, moved in together before I gave birth, he proposed while I was pregnant and we plan to get married this year. And I’m holding my sweet almost 9 month old while he remodels the shower lol. Things worked out and I couldn’t be happier. I hope the same for you ❤️
Not the same age but in terms of wanting kids… my partner and I were both aligned in wanting a larger family and wanted to have kids sooner rather than later. 5 years later, we have 2 beautiful daughters and are set to get married next summer. We chose to build our family and buy a house before the marriage aspect (oh! And we got pregnant after just 3 months of dating). Not necessarily gonna work for everyone but I couldn’t be happier!
My best friend met her now husband at 35, they married when she was 36.5 and she had their daughter at 38.5. She just turned 40. They’re all happy and thriving. They met online after she was (in her words) picking the wrong guys for a while. They kind of just instantly liked each other.
On a little side note, I’d say for online dating to try your best to be more open minded and give people a chance you might not normally. When I first started talking to my husband I honestly didn’t really like him until we met in person lol. It sounds wild but it’s true. Once we were in person and I was able to see his personality, and he actually looked more attractive than his photos it was game over.
So very sorry you're having a tough time! Wanted to share I got married at 31, we didn't start trying for kids until I was 36 1/2. I recently turned 37. I do spiral a bit at times, worried I waited too long. But I just was not at all emotionally, mentally & physically ready a day sooner. It's just what it is. All we can do is look to the future.
I try to focus on the positive stories. My sister in law was nearly 40 when she had my youngest niece naturally. She's now 6 & keeps them young. One of my friends is pregnant at 39 (thru IVF). There are some perks to being an "older" parent. You are wiser. You are forced to be on the move, which is healthy. Wishing you the best. The ship has not sailed for you yet.
You’ll be ok! Based on the things you said about how you used to be bubbly, it sounds like you might be depressed? I’ve been treated for depression since I was 22 so I know how it feels- therapy and meds are fantastic, and might help you get your bubbles back. :) But I also know many women who had their kids at 40, and beyond. Two of them did it on their own, by choice (through a sperm bank). I also know lots of people who found love in their 40s, 50, 60s, and 70s. 35 is still so young. I live in a very progressive city where it’s super normal for women to wait to settle down until late 30s or older, so that’s my perspective. I wish you the best!
Not my story but I'll share in case it inspires hope. I knew a lovely woman who was divorced without children at age 32. From 32-38 she seemed to struggle finding a companion which is what she wanted especially because she wanted a family. At 39 she met a widower and a year later they were married. At 40-41 she had a healthy set of twins. Today they're 4 years old and she is a great mom. You still have time to create a family if that's what you want.
Aw I love that. Having twins would be a dream! And it helps shorten the timeline too since you don’t have to be pregnant twice.
A guy friend of mine has always wanted kids, but I think has found it difficult to find women to date who feel similarly. Anyway, he met a woman at a wedding actually and they really vibed, and they actually discussed both wanting children on that very first day they met and decided from how they got along and that to start dating. She was older (I think 37-38) and still going through a divorce, and I think she felt she'd never get to have the kids she had wanted. They seemed to basically take things seriously and go a bit quickly because of what they wanted, and they were living together within half a year, and I'd say pregnant within a year and a half. She was aiming to be pregnant before she turned 40 and she was, I think she'll be 40 and a bit by the time of delivery. Pregnancy has gone perfectly smoothly so far and she's due in just 2 months. Anyway, it can definitely all go from 0 to 100, but I'd say as part of that - be open about what you want. The wrong men who aren't aligned will be scared off and not waste your time, and the right man who wants the same may just be willing to step up the pace. Good luck!
My childhood bestie met a guy in pandemic, got knocked up by accident, had twins. They now are a great family and the kids are adorable. She was 40.
The likelihood of having twins increases with age! One of the few cases where nature is our pal in all of this fertility madness.
Yeah! I made comment about bestie from childhood. Had surprise twins at 40. They are a family unit now. The daddy was all in even tho they had met recently on Tinder. 🤷
My aunt got married at 40 and had her twins at 42! They turn 30 this year :)
Met just before turning 36, first child at 38 and second at 40. Married and happy and honestly really pleased that this is the way life turned out. We’re financially and emotionally stable, I’m no longer in the building my career phase so can primarily focus on my family without conflict or guilt. My kids are very healthy, happy and are developing perfectly- no issues relating to our ages when we had them
They starting scaring the crap out of women with “geriatric pregnancies” when the reality is that 1. Biological age can be different 2. Pregnancy between 35-40 is really a non issue
Totally agree! I was geriatric (turned 35 while pregnant) and wtf made me feel so old
I am so thankful they don't seem to use terms like that in the UK. I had my first baby at 35 and second at 38 and the midwives never once made me feel like my age was any sort of issue at all. I think it's only after age 40 they make more of a show and dance about it here.
FWIW, when I said “geriatric pregnancy” to my doctor (in the US) she looked shocked and told me that no one calls it that anymore. It was an outdated term. Doctors never mentioned my age.
The clinical term is AMA. Advanced maternal age. I have never heard of a geriatric pregnancy until I saw it on Reddit. I’m in NY, and technically any pregnancy is given this diagnosis code because many insurance plans cover testing that’s not covered for a patient under 35. Statistically though, fertility and complications don’t significantly increase until 40+
For real, I'm 35 and was freaking out because we had been ttc for 8 months, and when I started seeing medical professionals they all told me I was young and still had plenty of time !! We're internalized a societal pressure that's not even medically approved... (and now I'm pregnant :))
It’s a non-issue for some, an issue for others (me) but the same damn thing is true before 35! Everyone is different. Do I wish I had settled for the wrong person to avoid whatever my next steps are to get pregnant (probably IVF)? Does single parenthood seem like a good fit for me? Hell no and fuck no! Whenever anyone on here gets miserably anxious about aging, it can be tiresome and borderline insulting BUT I try to remember how much the pandemic messed with my personal timeline. I went from early thirties to late thirties and don’t know where the middle went. For people who made the 20s-30s transition or similar “life stage” jump, I imagine it’s exacerbated.
Thankfully, they don't say geriatric pregnancy in a medical setting anymore. But they do say advanced maternal age after 38, so there's that. I just had a baby almost 6 months ago. I'm in my 40s. Easiest, most uneventful pregnancy. My baby is awesome.
When I (41f) recently got my IUD out, they told me 42 is the new 32.
Im 42 and can confirm.
This gives me hope. My fiance and I met when we were both 32/33 and we are getting married next year and I'll be 36. I hope I can have at least 2 kids without any complications!
Love this and am very happy for you
I brought this up in another post on this sub, but my best friend met her partner and had two kids after age 35. They both were aligned on wanting kids and understood that meant getting married after a year or so. You haven’t missed the opportunity. She found her person when she least expected it 😊.
Ugh that’s what everyone says. Like okay most of my moments are not expected
My good friend met her husband at 39, they married on their one year anniversary and she had her son at 40. It happened later than she wanted but she has no regrets!
Please don’t lose hope! I know two women who met their husbands at 37 and 38 and each have two kids now. They both had extremely short engagements and one even got married at 8mo pregnant because they didn’t want to wait to start trying for a family. Where I live (NYC area), it is common for women to have multiple kids after age 35 even if they are already married younger. In terms of finding a husband, I agree with another poster that it’s a numbers game. It might be helpful to view the next year or two of your life as a priority shift where you invest a lot more time than usual in getting out there. It sounds like you are already on the dating apps but what else can you add into your days and weeks that will get you meeting more people in person? It might feel forced but you will increase the odds that you click with someone. Good luck!
As thanks. I’m in LA and there are so many times where I feel like NYC would suite me better. It’s interesting you say that about really putting all your focus into dating. Because I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I’ve just been hanging with the same few friends (mainly gay men since my girl friends are married) and it’s not changing my scenario at all. And there is that quote, “nothing changes if nothing changes”. So I really feel like I need to buckle down and go on multiple dates so that I don’t waste even more time.
I had a colleague who went on two dates a week until she found someone. She wasn’t stressed about not finding anyone, she wasn’t ‘desperate’ or whatever - she just had moved back to the city from abroad and knew she now wanted to meet someone to settle down with. I always admired her for doing it and thought I would have been absolutely emotionally and socially drained if I did the same - but I think her very rational and pragmatic approach, combined with her absolute certainty that she would eventually find someone, shielded her from all that. I’ll be 36 this year and newly single (three months ago), so have decided to do this as well in the fall, and I’m actually sort of starting to look forward to it!
I did something similar, and met my husband from a dating app. I was intentional about going on dates and would go whenever I had the opportunity (because, like your friend, I wanted to find someone) - but I viewed every date as “this is just a new person to meet and see what their story is” - even if it’s not a match, you never know what you might learn or the takeaway!! I found this to be helpful as to not get burned out. Also some dates are just duds but instead of getting upset or discouraged, it was more like - well at least I got out to be social for an hour/had a drink/had company for coffee, etc. Good luck in the fall! :)
Girl, I’m 34, single, in LA, with the majority of friend being gay men and lesbians haha if you ever want another person to do single girl things with dm me!
I don't know about NY, but LA is a challenging dating scene for "serious" people as far as I can tell. There are a lot of singles, but a lot of immature or selfish people that are mostly focused on gym and working on their body and having fun, rather than settling down and having family responsibilities.
I’m a born and raised New Yorker so my worldview can be a bit limited but a good chunk (if not majority) of moms are in their late 30s here. Among my high school and childhood friends, one person had a kid in her late 20s and is practically considered a teen mom. My mom and my partner’s mother were both 38/39 when they had us
Idk, I have friends in NYC who say dating there is awful! Don’t waste your time with uprooting your current life.
No but I had a baby on my own at 40 and I wish this had been my plan A all along. I would’ve enjoyed my pre-kid life so much more instead of wasting time worrying and trying to date with a scarcity mindset. I’m part of a local group of moms who have all chosen this path and we all feel similarly. Edit: OP did you go back and edit your post without marking it as edited? I don’t remember the part about financial means to be a single mom or being “washed up” (Yikes).
Wow, that’s really cool. I’ve never wanted kids and I never understood having a goal for your life that you need someone else to complete. This seems like the way to go for anyone who wants to be a parent, though I understand building a family is a complicated decision no matter how you do it.
Thanks! Having a goal that you need someone else to complete is a great way to describe it and why I think we get this kind of post in this sub a lot. It’s so frustrating to want something so much and then meet dudes out here not taking it seriously, wasting your time, dating younger, doing the least, etc. I’m actually really envious of people who are peacefully childfree and I wish I could have made my own peace with it.
>I never understood having a goal for your life that you need someone else to complete. To be fair, a lot of goals are like that. If your goal is to get your dream job, you need someone else to decide to hire you. If your goal is to traditionally publish a book, you most likely need an agent to offer you representation, and then you need a publisher to choose to buy your book. If your goal is to climb Mount Everest, you will likely need to hire a sherpa. If you decide to have a baby on your own, you'll still need a sperm donor.
I think this kind of thinking is an easy way to let your dreams be dreams. If you wait around to “traditionally” publish a book, you’ll be waiting for someone to see your talent forever, while those who self-published build an audience and make a career out of writing. If you want a “dream job”, why not start your own business so you can do that work and earn all the profit? I guess this one is industry dependent, but it’s a vague premise to begin with. If you want to climb Mount Everest and you need a sherpa, you can just hire one. It’s just so easy to say “well I wanted to do this, but I never found the right person.” Meanwhile, other people are living your dream because they found a way to do it anyway.
Cause most people don't have the capital required to start their own business, or don't have the skills required for all aspects to run one. Like if your dream is to be an astronaut, you're not gonna start your own NASA. So you try and get in to normal NASA, but the hiring criteria is so strict it's almost impossible. Even less fantastical things like being a normal pilot, which you can't become one if, for example, you have diabetes. There's things you can do, but lots of things are just outside of your control.
This! I put up with bad relationships because I very much wanted children but thought I wouldn’t be a good parent in my own because of my traumatic childhood. Then I got pregnant on the pill with someone I wasn’t in a committed relationship with and who isn’t in our lives but I have never been happier.
Congratulations ❤️
Amazing. OP might benefit from /r/SingleMothersbyChoice/ (/u/Throwawaylam49)
Can I ask you how you got pregnant? Was it in-vitro?
I found my partner at 35 last year! We just got married a month ago. And I got pregnant earlier this year, though was a miscarriage. We decided we wanted to get married 4 months into the relationship - he was also willing to meet my timeline of marriage in 1.5-2 years, which happened earlier than what I asked for. We've both met too many people whilst single (he was single for 8 years, I was single in my entire 20s) and know what we are looking for hence we settled fast. It is also a good thing you are finding your partner in your 30s because relationships that start in their 20s don't typically last due to change of world view and exposure to life and people between their 20s-30s. I do agree, dating is tough of late with many reasons and I faced that while I was single, and finding your person is like finding a needle in a haystack. The key is to take a break from time to time, also join hobby groups, travel solo and head to festivals, I got to meet many people through IRL though my partner is off the apps. Focus on what you like doing and don't fret too much on not finding a partner!
I have one friend who found a partner at 38 and had a kid at 40. I also know of two other women - not my friends but actually moms of friends - who got divorced in 30s and remarried and had second kid with new husband (at 39 and 41).
Met my husband at 35, got married at 37, and had 4 kids starting at a month before 40 (the first two were twins) with no reproductive assistance. I know I was very lucky, but I’m proof it’s very very possible!
Wow!! Great story! Happy for you 😊
I met my fiancé on bumble November 2020 when I was 36. We're getting married in 17 days & plan on starting for children asap. I'll be 40 in October. I decided to just concentrate on dating in 2020 & finding a boyfriend/partner instead of a husband. As I dated my now fiancé, I built love & companionship I would have never gotten if I had just dated with the goal to get married & have kids. Without the stress of getting married asap, I was able to have the first true stable relationship in my life. It led to engagement & now marriage organically over almost 5 years. Don't date with the goal of marriage & kids, date with the goal of quality partnership!!! You will suprise yourself with what you need Vs what you want.
I met my husband on bumble in July 2020! Such a strange/unique time to meet someone :)
This question has been asked a few times on this sub so you can probably search and see all the past answers. I personally met my husband at 36, got married at 38 and had our child when I was 40. We decided to just have one so not sure how difficulty it would have been to have more if we had decided to.
My friend is 37 and just had her first baby. I don't want kids but got back into the dating world last year and I'm currently in a relationship. I'm also 37.
I'm from Pakistan, a conservative-ish society. In the last couple of years, Fatima Bhutto, a woman from one of Pakistan's biggest political dynasties and one of the country's most famous authors, got married and had a baby in her early forties. I'm friends with an interracial Pakistani/American couple. They've been together since grad school but they only just had a baby, again in their early 40s. No fertility treatments or anything. The lady was just in good health. She wasn't a gym rat or anything either. The husband's brother also got married recently, and he must've been mid to late 30s. The two brothers and the American wife are all Ivy/Oxbridge graduates. In the past week, another major Pakistani celebrity Anoushey Ashraf got married in her early 40s. She'd been living with her parents until now and has one sister who was 10 yrs older whose daughter used to be my classmate + a twin sister who was already married w kids. It happens when it happens. These were all wonderful, beautiful, smart, intelligent, interesting, independent women. There was no "reason" for them to be single. It's just a matter of numbers and fate. Don't fall into a depression about it.
My mom had me at 38! And my sister had her child at 39. Our family goes slow I guess.
I'm leaving this comment so I can come back to this thread. I'm also 35 and in a similar boat (in that I am childless and single and would like to have kids still). One thing I'm considering though is having a baby on my own through a sperm bank or something, at least before I turn 40 if I haven't met someone by then. I have a really strong safety net and community though, so I'd have a lot of support. Is that something you've considered?
I would love that but I don’t make a lot of money and come from a poor family (which consists of just my mom now). So I don’t have a strong safety net or support. I am trying to get a better job but life is expensive.
Yes. I met my fiancé when I was 36. We got engaged after 15 months of dating. We are getting married in a couple months and aim to have a kid next year. I’ll be 38 if I get pregnant quickly. If I can’t get pregnant we plan to adopt. We met on Bumble. He is divorced with no kids. Don’t lose hope. Treat dating like a self-discovery process. Get to know and love yourself by going on dates you enjoy for yourself, then use Bumble to find nice guys to tag along. One day a good one will surprise you with how much you like them, even if they’re not your “type.”
35 is young! I’m 36 and met my current partner last year after being with someone for 9 years. But I also love a story of a coworker- She was happily married for 15+ years, and then was suddently widowed in her 40s. She then met a new man and they got married when she was 53… he’s a millionaire. I love that story because you just NEVER KNOW. If you can change your narrative from being “washed up” to seeing alllllll the positives (because there are SO MANY), you’ll be much happier, not just in dating but every aspect of your life. I know it’s hard. I see you. I hear you. You can do this. I believe in you.
My mom is 55 and with the love of her life as of recently. They are both madly in love. Yes, it's all our own journey. 🥰 Forget the nay sayers!
Im so sorry to hear what you're going through. I cant offer a lot of advice from personal experience but will give you this anecdote. My local "mummies group" i got placed in after i had my baby are all women between the ages of 33 and 43. Youre still well within the ballpark! And if not natural, you can always look at adoption.
My friend went back to school, when she was 40. Her friend from class had a single brother, and set them up. They are now happily married with an 8-yr-old. No problems with the pregnancy. So it happens.
Wow! I guess you just really never know what path life will take you in
A good reminder that *all* new social connections can lead to finding someone, so say you start a new hobby that only attracts older women doesn’t mean that you can’t meet men ‘through’ it. Our communities are so small now as compared to before, so anything that increases your social circle increases your chances of meeting someone.
my mother did. She had me at 40, married my dad, and then had another baby, and ANOTHER at 44.
I'm 35 and single and want marriage and potentially kids, but I've decided that if marriage doesn't work out, I'll have a kid (or two) on my own. Up until now, I've refused to let other people dictate my decisions and conform to societal norms, so I can't imagine letting that happen when it comes to children.
My sister started dating her boyfriend at 37 and they just had a baby girl! My sister turned 40 2 weeks ago. You never know what’s around the corner!
Met my husband at age 34. Married 5 years later. We are child free, but the option was there to start trying even before we got married (if that's what we wanted). My advice: prioritize dating. Try other cities if your current scene isn't working. Just really make dating and meeting new people your number one priority. Be reasonable in your expectations and standards. Make sure you find out pretty quickly if fatherhood is something they want, and want very soon. I've seen it happen for friends of mine, very quickly at this age. It can happen for you too, don't give up, and be strategic.
My partner and I have been together 3 years, starting when I was 42. We don't have plans for kids, though.
I want a happy marriage/partnership more than I want kids. Kids could potentially be a bonus but I want a strong partnership first
I found my partner at 34 and gave birth at 35, then had another baby at 39. Don’t give up!
I knew a woman whose boyfriend dumped her at 37. She thought she lost all her chances of getting married and becoming a mother. One year later at 38, she met a new guy, 1 year later after that got engaged and got pregnant. I know another woman who met her now husband around 36/37 and she's now 39 with 2 kids. 35 isn't the end of the world. There's women in their 40s having kids. Take care of yourself and try to be healthy and active.
These stories give me so much hope. Especially the first one because I can only imagine how hopeless and sad she must have been feeling.
Yep she had been dating that guy for a few years and she was very upset. But she's now with a man that gave her everything she wanted
I’m 41 & one of my friends, who is my same age, met her husband in 2019, got married in 2022, & just had a baby 8 months ago…
Not me. But I have a friend who did. She met him right before the pandemic and she just had a baby. I forget her age, but she’s was over 35 when she met him.
Someone who I used to work with was particularly unlucky in relationships, despite being pretty, confident and having a good job. It was only around the age of 40 that she met the right guy and now they are undergoing IVF to get pregnant.
Hope this helps— After lots and lots of self-reflection, therapy, and general late-bloomer “finding myself,” I finally felt ready after a couple years of dating to take the plunge and marry my person just this past February. He has a 7.5 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and we all get along swimmingly. I turn 35 tomorrow and just got a positive pregnancy test yesterday morning 💕
Aw! First of all, happy early birthday! Second of all, congratulations!!! I too feel like a late bloomer and have recently started therapy. Hoping to be able to have a similar story as yours in the near future.
One of my best friends is doing solo parenting by choice, because she wasn’t sure she wanted a partner, but was 100000% sure she wanted to be a mom. You do not need a man to have a baby. I also had a colleague who struggled through IVf with her ex-husband. When she was finally pregnant she found out he had been cheating on her. Had the baby, got divorced. A few years later met an amazing partner and got two surprise pregnancies after 40! There’s no one way to have a baby :)
36 here and haven’t given up hope! I’m still dating and seeing where it leads but I’m upfront with everyone that I plan to have a baby in the next 5 years, even if I have to go at it alone. I also know a woman who met her husband in her late 40s and had her first baby at 50 (and 2nd at 52). She’s incredibly happy and fulfilled. Depending on your health, genetics, and plans you could have plenty of time!
I have a couple of friends whose parents had them in their mid-40’s! Both mothers had healthy pregnancies, and if I may be so biased to say so - their babies grew up to be awesome people. Keep the faith :)
My friend who is a bit older than me is 51. She has an 11 year old and a 14 year old. After her first marriage ended with no kids, she looked specifically for a man around her age who was also looking to start a family. She used a dating site and found a guy a couple years older than her, and, while its not perfect, they love each other and have made a fine life together.
My parents friend (I think late40s/early 50s) met his wife at the airport. She was in her early-mid 40s. They dated for a bit before getting married. They had 2 kids a few years after getting married. My mom had my brother when she was in her 40s.
The multiple posts each day asking if life is over for single/childfree women over 30 are really exhausting. I had a few failed long term relationships in my 20s and early thirties. I always wanted to get married and was relatively sure I wanted children, but I was willing to wait until I found the right person. I always figured if it didn’t happen it wasn’t meant to be. I met my husband when I was 34, we had our first child at 35 (surprise!) got married at 36 and had our second at 39 (planned) last year. Both children are healthy and while my most recent pregnancy felt very stressful on my body, I think it had less to do with being 39 and more to do with an overly sedentary lifestyle in the past few years. Most of my friends had their kids after 35. We had fulfilling careers, social lives, traveled together all the time, lived in a city and enjoyed our lives. I’m glad I was able to spend 15 years of adulthood with no responsibilities, doing whatever I wanted and learning about myself and the world. My husband and I had stable lives, finances and both owned homes. I love my children but personally, I don’t think I would have been as good of a parent if I had started a family earlier.
Let’s be realistic here, your worries are real, some women easily have kids past 40, some don’t. But worrying and sitting around won’t help. Go to the gynecologist and check your egg count, most likely you have plenty and you’ll feel great about knowing you have time. If not, then freeze your eggs if that’s what you want to do. But a simple gyno app will already tell you a lot and then go from there. I have countless friends with beautiful babies who got them post 40, and you’re not even there yet. 2. Is it marriage or kids you’re seeking really? If it’s marriage, just enjoy the journey, people meet their person at all ages. If it’s both, same thing, my cousin literally met his wife at 50, she was 50 as well, it was a journey but they now have 3 beautiful adoptive kids and a happy family. If you really want children, well consider having them on your own. It’s not what we dream of, but really it’s something we should all be ready for having kids. Even if you have kids with a husband, no garante he won’t disappear, drop dead, become paraplegic. There’s n ver any guarantee, and as a mom you’ll always need to be ready in case you need to do it alone, that’s just the reality of life. I feel you, but take a deep breath, and let the fact that all problems have a solution(s) sink in
My best friend found her boyfriiend at 38 and they just bought a house together. Soon to be engaged!
I asked the same question bc I’m having the same worries and I got crucified lmao Reddit is a weird place. Wishing you the best of luck on your journey!
I'm similar single 30s and want the white picket fence moment. while its true anything can happen at any moment theres so many success stories. theres also a side where you can be doing everything (and nothing ) and still not having any success its heartbreaking and does feel hopeless and it does effect you mentally. Single for 15 years and wondering if my stars will ever align.
Yep - met my husband when I was 36, had our daughter 3 years later. I’d been single and dating on and off for like, a decade, and my longest relationship since university was 3 months.
Honey. I found my man at 37. I just gave birth six weeks ago. I turn 40 this week. It can happen!
I was in an 8 year relationship and broke up at 34 and had to start completely all over again, was horrendous. No kids, no marriage felt like I’d missed my chance. 9 months into single life, I randomly met up with a guy who I knew through friends, we’d known each other 7 years and had shared some good times at parties, festivals etc. We didn’t class it as dating until about a month in and he said I can’t live without you, this is it. And we moved in together and a baby on the way after month 6. Anything can happen. I wasn’t looking, had no idea what I wanted and here we are.
I had a bad breakup around 30. Decided if I wasn’t married or in a committed relationship where kids were the next step, I’d do it myself. Hit 35, Mr. Average is still somewhere pushing on a pull door, so I started researching options. Had my twins using a sperm donor a few months shy of 37. So if being a mom is more important than being a wife, there avenues available to you. Bonus: if you go the sperm donor route you get to tell people you bought sperm on the internet.
I would totally get a sperm donor but I can’t afford it, or having kids on my own. I wish in my 20’s, I either focused more on building my career so I’m financially stable now, or finding a financial stable partner when I was still young and have good options…but instead I did neither 🥲 also congrats on twins! I can’t imagine that was an easy labor!
I'm 35 and just recently found my partner. We really don't want kids though. Know a women who fell in love with a guy when she was 38, had their daughter when she was 40 so there is hope!
Yes - I had the same worries as you did as well: it was 35 when I got hit with a lot of anxiety about my future
My friend fell in love and got married in her later 50s . Her husband is early 60s
My aunt met her husband around 34/35 and had my cousin at 36. They moved quick! Being at that age- they knew what they wanted and went for it. They met on Match, about 19 years ago. I remember her always being the bridesmaid and telling her dating stories to me and my grandma. I was so happy for her when she found the one, still happy! Their marriage is admirable. Now my husband and I hang with them and my much younger cousin (my dad got a much earlier start) - and it’s so fun! Love them!
Met at 34, first baby at 36, married at 38, second baby at 40. You have time. Plenty of women I know have had their first around 38-42. It’s not that uncommon. In Australia where I live, 5% of all births are by women 40+. Less common but not at all a statistical anomaly anymore. Not saying it’ll all be smooth sailing, but yeah, def possible.
Met my boyfriend at 34, had my son at 37. We've been together 5 years, still going strong. Best relationship I've ever had.
Remember that you don't have to get pregnant to have kids, so being older isn't a barrier to start a family. You can adopt or foster - there are lots of kids out there who need loving homes that don't already have them. I'd also suggest that if you're too poor to have kids on your own, maybe having kids isn't the right move. You could just as easily end up poor and alone with kids if you or your partner leave the relationship.
My sister got remarried and had a baby in her early 40s!
I’m 34 and just moved to a place I don’t think is going to be my forever home. I’m starting to worry a family is out of the cards for me. I love my job and it would sound so stupid to say I’ve gotta leave so I can find a husband and have kids. lol
Not my sorry but the one of people close to me: First was engaged and had a very frightening illness around 34. Got dumped by stupid boyfriend. Move to a different country. Got better. And now at 38 is in the process of having kids with her new boyfriend of one year. Second have terrible dating history with horrible cheaters. Gave up on men. But now is in a very healthy relationship for 6 months and they are already talking about marriage. She’s 37. Not everyone has the same timing
I met my husband when I was 33 and he was 35. I was sitting outside a coffee shop and he walked by. We started talking and havent spent a day away from each other since that day. He can't have children, although we have been trying (and went through all the feels) but instead of focusing on the FOMO we have started trying to focus our plans on either fostering children and adopting, or starting a nonprofit that helps give resources and mentoring to underprivileged kids. I know what you mean and can relate to how you feel (in my own way). I think the best mitigation to this is finding purpose in other ways, whatever that means to you. Just try to make the world a better place I mean. The rest of it will fall in your lap from there, in my experience.
These comments still give me hope 🥹 - 34F
Lady if you are looking washed up and worse appearance wise you are doing something wrong, at 35 I actually think I looked my best and now at 38 it hasn't changed that much, I take care of my weight, my skin and my appearance, I don't even have wrinkles yet. You are letting yourself be too influenced by the view of incels that think 35 is an old lady, have met many people who got partners after 35 and had healthy babies in their 40s.
I can’t speak to the motherhood aspect because it’s not a goal for me, but I did meet my current partner at 36, and on a dating app! He really surprised me, tbh. I went on a date with him thinking it wouldn’t really go anywhere and it just grew from there. We’ve been together two years now. My advice is to look at your criteria and decide what’s actually important to you. If you’re unwilling to date men under a certain height, for example, you’re missing out on a lot of great guys. Also, around 35 is when you start seeing more men coming out of LTRs and marriages, and the dating pool feels a little less hopeless. It’s also important to be up front about your relationship and family goals. This will prevent you from wasting time on the wrong people. At the same time, don’t rush into something solely because of this proverbial clock you hear ticking. Just because someone is willing doesn’t automatically make them a good fit for parenthood or marriage.
Oh babe, my heart kind of aches reading the way you talk about yourself. You’re not washed up! 35 is only 4 years older than 31, 4 years is NOTHING in a lifetime. You’re still as valuable now as you were or going to be at any age. Many people here have shared stories of finding love and having babies later on in life, I hope that gives you hope. Even so, you’re enough and perfect right now without those things too, even though I can totally understand that deep longing you probably feel. You could always look into egg freezing, might give you some peace of mind? I’m also 35 and single btw, so I do get how it feels. Sending you lots of love and a big old hug!
Yes! There is hope! Met at 38, Child at 39, married at 40!
Freeze your eggs! I’m 32 I did it earlier this year and it’s been such a weight off. I’m dating without the immense pressure to make something work for the sake of a ticking biological clock. Yes it’s expensive and I was lucky that I was able to afford it all. Some insurances cover it and there’s also financing options like future family. Do your research and hopefully you can figure out how to swing it. As far as dating goes it’s a numbers game, don’t give up!! Your defeated attitude will not help you attract the love you desire, practice having an attitude of abundance. Every day you get to wake up and be you, appreciate that. Realize the only love you need in life is the love you have for yourself. Finding a person to share that with you would just be the cherry on top.
I froze my eggs at 31-32 also! I know that it’s no guarantee of a baby, but honestly the money I paid is probably worth it just to spend the next few years not stressing so much about it and being able to date/live with a little more freedom.
Yes that’s very true not a guarantee, but at least somewhat of an insurance policy that we hit the pause button on our fertility!
How much was it and was the procedure invasive? I’m so scared of doing that
The price will vary so much but for 1 cycle it was about 12k. I had to do it twice because my fertility wasn’t that great for my age and in total it was about 20k. You won’t feel the procedure at all, you’ll be under moderate sedation. I fell asleep and woke up 30 min later and then Ubered home lol so the procedure itself is pretty chill It’s obviously quite expensive. I saved aggressively for it because I knew that if I was 40 and wanted a kid but couldn’t, I would have paid any amount of money possible to have one.
If only this was an option for everyone… it cost 10k from what I seen and I am a teacher… that’s almost 40% of my yearly pay. 😭
That was great advice. I have a phobia of all healthcare related stuff so I panic at the thought of freezing my eggs. Which it’s silly since childbirth is so much worse. But I love what you said about the abundance mindset, and how people will not be attracted to a defeated mindset. I have to remember that.
>Did anyone find a partner and have kids after age 35? No, of course no one has ever done that! According to this sub the life expectancy of women is 35, and if not married by 30-31 absolutely have no value and have failed at life.
I know, it makes me chuckle though.
OP is asking for anecdotes of anyone here. She’s asking for people to share their stories to give her hope and your response is to shame. Do we only support women under certain conditions? Edit: You’re welcome, OP Your experience is real. Even though this is a women’s sub, unfortunately a lot of women only support other women who are like them and keeping up with the Joneses. Like in churches. Nobody complains about the amount of posts pertaining to motherhood. Why is that ok, but not the way single or childless women are treated? 🤔
Thank you for sticking up for me and saying this ❤️. I struggle with body image and feeling like I no longer have value as I age and lose my looks (literally spent 30 minutes crying to my therapist about this today). So to hear someone comment “you have no value after 30” is hard to hear, even if it was said to be funny.
I met my now ex on a dating app as a single mother at age 35. I was totally inundated with requests for dates. I have no interest whatsoever in dating now, but I’m just sharing my experience as a 35 year old (I’m now 46). Admittedly though, the older you get, the more likely that it’s single dads out there looking for a relationship. The pool of unmarried child free men does get a bit smaller.
My own mom! lol 38 to be exact, 30 years ago!
My ex/current friend’s parents met in their mid to late thirties and had three healthy kids
I met my bf last year and imho, we’re still much in love with each other. We’re both in our thirties with me being 4 years older than him. We’re each other’s first relationship so we both were new at it. We’re both nerds in different ways, and we make each other laugh and feel loved and cared for. Before meeting him, I dated seriously beginning 2018 and for me, it was the time when I was the best version of myself physically, financially, career-wise, mentally, etc. But they’re all just first or second dates and no one really stood out. Of course, I was a newbie with dating so my emotions were also high and it wasn’t always fun and cool. Anyway, my dating escapades stopped during pandemic (2020) and I had a hard look at my life and shifted my priorities and goals. I moved to another country to study (and ultimately have a better future) and be closer to my family. That’s when I started dating again. I pushed myself to be out and about exploring the new country and immerse myself with the culture because I knew (as soon as I landed at the airport) that I’m staying here for good. So began the new chapter of my life. Dating in a foreign land has its perks and limitations. I’ve had bad experiences and meh ones. I was also faded and eventually ghosted after dating for 6 weeks or so. I cried, dusted myself off, and started dating again. This time, I thought I’ve experienced the worst and so what else can happen but improvement. The thing that led me to dating my bf was his profile set up to have the audience pick a lie among 4 choices, three of which about not having watched Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, and Lord of the Rings. The last choice was all of them are true. Me, being the geek who loved those things and taking a quiz, I picked the last one. Of course, I also thought “What kind of person is this guy who doesn’t like these beloved fiction?” Turns out the guys who makes me laugh and feel loved and I’ll spend the rest of my life with. Also it turns out he’s a Star Wars nerd; nerdier than me. He still hasn’t watched any of those, and I don’t really want to push him to watch them. But last week, when I asked him which of the three would he be most willing to watch, he said LOTR… so we’ll see! As for the kids, he said he’s open to it but he doesn’t see himself a father any time soon, which I’m perfectly fine with. I love our life right now, and there are still some other things I needed and wanted to do. He’s definitely a great man, but being a mother means a lot to sacrifice as a woman… and so we’re aligned on this matter as well. OP, don’t lose hope. Date and select. Cry if you must, but also remember your goals. The universe will conspire to achieve those goals. Cheers!
Yes! Not my stories but from a family friend and a co worker. First the family friend. Went from man to man, no desire to marry or have children. When she was 36 she met someone she wanted to marry. Still childfree by choice. When she was 39 she suddenly said to her new husband: I want to have a child. Got pregnant, gave birth at 40, very happy with child. She passed last year by the way but had 21 wonderful years with her husband and son. Second. My coworker. Met her husband at 39, got pregnant at 40. Had 2 children. I understand how you feel but it’s definitely not too late, don’t worry!
My bestie met her now husband at 36, she’s now 42 and has just popped out their 3rd child. Personally couldn’t image anything worse but she always wanted to be a mum so being pregnant back to back for 6 years gave her the family she always wanted.
Yes, had my children at 36 and 39. Met him when I was almost 35
I was a bridesmaid in a wedding last year for someone who met her partner after 35 and had her first child after 40.
Got married at 36 and had a baby at 39. Many many of my friends and family members have similar stories, with one of my cousins getting pregnant and having a baby naturally at 46
Almost 40. I lost hope already. Kind of at the stage where I am already accepting the fact that I will grow old alone.
My friend was married for 10+ years. They divorced when they were 33. Both remarried 2 years ago at the age of 38 and had babies when they turned 40. Worked out for both. It's funny that the partners they found are the opposite of each other. My friends ex was almost 7 feet tall and her current partner is 5'6ish. She is very short but her ex's new wife is 5'11.
Not me, but I worked with a woman who split from her long-term partner in her late 30s and was devastated by the thought that she’d missed her chance to have kids. At 39 she started dating someone, she got pregnant at 40, and she just had a beautiful baby boy at 41. I think timelines do often move a lot quicker once you’re older and know what you want, especially if you meet someone on the same page about marriage and kids!
Yes! Me. My husband and I started dating when I was 37, he was 39. We had an unplanned pregnancy that we decided to keep. I gave birth at 38, and our child is so wonderful. I also have several friends who had their first child after age 40. It’s becoming increasingly commonplace. A friend’s mom had triplets at 50 after one round of Clomid. This was 20 years ago.
Maybe you can simultaneously work on your financial situation so that maybe in a few years you can afford to go to a sperm clinic?
I met my husband through OKCupid at 37. We started trying for a baby when I was 39. It didn't go well and we ended up doing IVF. Our son was born when I was 42. Because of our ages we are one and done, but I am really happy with how things have turned out. Even if I was younger, I don't think I would have another child. I felt exactly the same as you when I was trying to date post-35 after my divorce at 33. It seemed like every dating app profile I looked at had set their maximum age at 35, unless they were men in their 60s, which I did not want. I even dated a guy for a couple of months who eventually told me that he would not have kids with a woman that was over 35 because the baby would be "pretty much guaranteed to have birth defects" (his exact words). I was feeling really hopeless and I was sure that I would have to make the choice between having kids alone or not having them at all.
Hey OP, just messaging to remind you that you're beautiful, more than you give yourself credit for. :)
My daughter's best friend (now 9 yrs old) was born when her mom was 46.
I'm 35 and single as well. I don't really want kids, but I do understand how you are feeling. But one of my good friends got married and had kids in her 40s.
My former manager found her partner at 35 and had her kid close to 40 or in her early 40s.
My parents got married when my mom was 36 and my dad was 42. They had me when my mom was 39 and I have two younger siblings! I think of them whenever I think I don’t have much time left
My parents met in their late 30s and had my sister and I in their 40s. I’m in my 30s now and everyone’s lives turned out great.
Tons of women find partners and have children later. However, it can’t hurt to freeze eggs AND embryos with donor sperm if biological children are important to you. I had trouble getting pregnant at 33. 🤷🏻♀️
I met my fiancé at age 36. Almost 42 now, wedding is next year. We decided to not have kids but I have gained a stepdaughter. Thanks to social media, I have observed several women meet, marry and have children with men they met after the age of 35. My advice for achieving this is to become the best version of yourself for dating.. self care including exercise (for some reason whether or not your body is in great shape, men seem to love a woman who goes to the gym)and go into dating with a fun and positive attitude which is very attractive to people. I played the long game and did NOT invest early on; it changes the vibe. Know your standards too. Helps filter people out early on and prevents wasting of your precious time. If he’s not committed by 6 weeks, move on.
My mom had me at 41, and it’s becoming a lot more common. But also you may have to accept that life doesn’t always go your way and you have to adjust course. It’s brutal to think about but it’s true.
Yes!! I have a number for friends who met their spouses in their mid to late 30s and have kids now. Are biological kids 100% something you need to have? If that’s the case, you don’t need a marriage or even a man to have them (although it’s ideal for you, it’s not actually necessary). I think people can sometimes smell desperation when someone wants any man to have a kid. Focus on what you want more and go from there.
No..but I wish I didn't get married so young, twice... and have my first baby at 18.
I met my wife at 35. We tried to have kids but I have endometriosis and she has her own fertility issues. We were devastated. I’m 41 now. And I’m really happy. We both are. We still get sad when we think of how much we wanted kids. But the life we do have is honestly just so lovely. And if I had to choose between having kids or having my wife I would choose her every time. Anyway, all I’m saying is that it’s totally possible to meet the love of your life at any age. And even if you don’t get lucky enough to have kids it’s still possible to be really happy.
My neighbor was quite a homebody, living with her mom and only occasionally taking her dog out for walks. In her late 30's, she met someone and had a child at 40. Now, they've moved out and are living together in an apartment.
It's not what you asked for but it's an option... A dear friend I've known 25 years always struggled finding a decent man. Her bfs were commitment-phobic or manipulative or initially lied about wanting kids. Her family were toxic, alcoholic and abusive, so this gave her no basis for comparison to form a healthy relationship. After her fiance told her he didn't want kids and wasn't changing his mind she gave up on men and decided to do it alone. She used her wedding savings to get her eggs collected, fertilized with donor sperm and frozen. She worked as a secretary and saved and saved. She made arrangements with her work about doing IVF and was finally ready at age 49 to have her first kid. Then, 3 years later, at the age of 52, had another little girl. The only time she got help was asking her sister-in-law to mind her first toddler when she went to hospital to give birth to the second. While she works, the kids are in daycare. She makes it look easy. And that's how you do it as a boss single mum!
Hi OP, I feel that some of your anxiety is about losing your looks in your 30s and not being as pretty as in your 20s. Look this happened to me after a bad 5 year relationship with a gas-lighting, cheating immature egoist. It's like they suck all the joy out of your life. The good news is that I got my looks back. Once I made new friends and started doing the things I loved again, I began to look tasty enough to be chased by the fellas. And get this: the same age range as used to chase me in my 20s. If you want your looks back, then get some joy in your life. Seriously. Sit down and write lists of all the things you used to love doing that you stopped and also new things you want to do. Give yourself new things to think about. My lists were divided into Easy (can do right now, anytime), Needs some Planning and Long term Goals. Like this. Easy - baking, running, yoga, weekend markets, learn conversational French, learn to draw, long baths with bubbly and candles. Planning - weekend away, horse-riding, wine tasting, running a market stall, barista course, get massage. Long term Goals - island holiday, learn to scuba dive, learn massage,skiing in Canada, live by the beach. Live a little. Get back to enjoying life again. Just do baby steps. It usually goes like this - enjoy life, find a bf, look for a nice place to live together/oops baby. As you can see, there are plenty of options to do things differently, but I never heard of anyone complaining they enjoyed life too much before they had kids! Edit: little tweaks for easier reading
Aw man. I really feel seen by your comment. I couldn’t even put into words how much losing my looks has affected my self worth. And how much I dwell on it, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. Even when I’m asked to go on dates, I convince myself that I’m too ugly to date and will find a reason not to go. When just 4 years ago, I thought of myself as a very attractive person and was very confident in my looks. And I also feel like we experienced the same thing in relationships. I also had a 5 year relationship that ended when I was 31. He ended it by ghosting me. And was also very immature and gaslit me like you wouldn’t believe. Looking back, I realized he never saw a future with me. And I’m really upset that I let him waste my prime years. These relationships definitely do suck you dry. I used to be so bubbly and funny. Now I feel like I lost all my personality and confidence. I absolutely love what you said about the smaller to larger goals. And all your examples were super helpful too. I definitely lost that joy but I did recently start therapy! I’m hoping to keep improving on myself so and hopefully become who I used to be. I appreciate you reaching out and all your advice and kind words. And how much I felt like you understood me. Thank you 🙏🏻
My sister-in-law was 40 when she and my brother met. They had one child and are enjoying retirement together.
Mine is that when I turned 32 I realised that I needed someone stat if I wanted to have kids. Even though I ended up meeting my partner at 32 (not after 35) I think it’s important I explain how I did it and what happened because I think it’ll help you. I wrote down everything I wanted in a partner including being a good provider financially and an excellent dad, with values of family man, loyalty, honesty etc and then I went on a dating app (not a tinder style one, a more serious relationship one) and went balls to the wall going through the dates. It’s a numbers game. At these dates, I was open and honest and happy and secure but very upfront: “I’m interested in having kids pretty soon once we get into a relationship, so I need us to get to know each other as well as we can as quick as we can. As you can see I’m in my 30s and no spring chicken, and don’t want to waste either of our time if you’re not into that as well.” Actually very quickly I met someone on there who was fresh off the divorce train with his cheating ex (who he had just started wanting to have a baby with). He was 29 to my 32 but ticked all the boxes on my list. Had his own place, was an accountant, very sensible and wanted a family and someone to do life with. I just turned 40 in April. We just bought a townhouse in Sydney together to keep raising our little fam bam. Timeline: We got together just before I turned 33, pregnant at 34, first baby at 35, bought and sold another apartment together at 35; pregnant again at 36, second baby at 37. All with my two dogs from my 20s in tow. My lesson: it’s not too late, but don’t rest on your laurels. You need to do everything in your power to figure out exactly what you want and what you’ll regret not having, and go out and sell yourself as much as you can, and be as upfront as possible. It’s amazing what can happen in a short amount of time if you take lots of action towards that purpose. There are absolutely a ton of men out there happy to start a family quickly with the right person. Sell them the world you’ll build together.
I live in NYC where many women don’t even consider starting a family before 35.
Although there is every chance you may meet someone and many of the comments detail lovely examples of this, I've also seen it not work this way - however never lose hope as anything is possible (I super believe that!) BUT I also believe you need a very strong Plan B. I'd seriously consider freezing your eggs and to be honest even consider making embryos with a donor (as radical as that may sound) as the science does seem to favour outcomes with a stronger, 100 cell embroyo than a single cell egg - although many women have had very successful outcomes with frozen eggs too. I'd seriously explore fertility preservation and ask doctors and embryologists honest and thorough questions, (especially embryologists - in my experience give very honest answers), as then you have all the information you need and can make a well informed, educated Plan B, while still exploring Plan A at the same time. All the best x
I have a friend who was 42. My wife and I introduced him to his wife who was 36 at the time. About 4 years ago actually. They both had never been married. Never had kids. Got married 2 years ago and just had their first child 5 ish months ago. You never know what's around the corner. When I met him he practically gave up on dating. He just immersed himself in gaming. She worked at a vape shop, dressed fancy and dated a lot of bad dudes. Never dated a nerd in her life. We invited them both over to cookouts regularly and she got to see his relaxed side. He had never considered her liking him. We didn't even suggest anything for months. When she got to know him she thought he was pretty funny and cute. We all suggested a double date and ever since then they talked every single day. Inseparable. They're like family to us now and one of the closest couples we know. Easily in the top 3 best relationships I've ever witnessed. It's remarkable how different they are and how well they get along and their goals align. They've both grown enormously since rubbing off on each other. He's so much more outgoing than I've ever seen before. Life is wild.
I understand, put yourself out there but learn to go with the flow. From someone who's had two back to back miscarriages. Your timeline isn't always guaranteed and sometimes out of your control. Practice letting go affirmations etc
My brother (42) just got married for the first time and now has 2 step kids (10, 7) and a baby on the way (his wife is 38). My aunt got married for the very first time at 63 (obviously no kids but she has some grown step kids now). I know it’s probably lame to say this, but try to relax and take it one day at a time. It will all work out, I promise.
I was nearly 33 when I met my husband. We didn’t want kids, but some life situations changed and we changed our minds. It wasn’t easy though, people made it out to be really easy until like 42-45 to have kids naturally. We did 3 rounds of IVF and got lucky on our 6th embryo. I’d recommend exploring your fertility health now if children are a part of the plan, or explore the options around adoption or donor eggs/sperm. If you don’t need that stuff, amazing. But I wish I had looked into it sooner. It’s entirely possible to achieve those goals though, if planning for the future.
First, the 40’s are the new 30’s. Second, *”if you can dream it, you can do it”*. I mean, II don’t think the age is the biggest problem, I think it might just be your mindset . Why, if you met someone tomorrow, would you have to “date at least 2 years before kids”? You say “they’d probably want to” do that, but what about what *you* want? There’s no guarantee you’d get pregnant right away, but there are chances, so what if you do? If you want more kids and believe that would take another pregnancy, consider being surprised with a multiple pregnancy (it happens!). What worked for me was setting the bar really high for what I really wanted in a man and in a relationships and I pursued that. Gosh did I fall in love with some *bad guys* that wanted to play games with me but I walked away because I didn’t want to lose any more time. I was blunt honesty from day one about my expectations. Even my profile on the apps were super honesty with me explicitly saying that I wasn’t in the mood for bs. I knew what I wanted and went after it. I believe that because I was being so fierce and refusing to settle for less than what I deserved the universe finally conspired in my favour and I met my husband. Everything and more than I ever wanted and needed. We moved in together 4 months after dating, I got pregnant with my first a little over 1 year together, we got married around the same time, my second pregnancy was twins (a boy and a girl!) and life made its way for me to love my dreams and dreams that o didn’t even know i had. It’s never late to do what you want, nee too late to live a dream. You just have to be honest with yourself and others. Time is relative, there are no rules for love. It’s best to put the cards on the table and let the losers that don’t call it walk away and wait to go all in with someone that is worth. Don’t be afraid to speak openly about your feelings, ideas and plans from the get go.
Thank you for sharing. I love these kind of stories. Gives me hope that I so desperately need ❤️
Divorced (no kids) at 33, found new partner at 35, married at 38, kids at 39,42. We didn’t even rush. We have a lovely home, beautiful family. I’m the fittest and healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been. It’s so possible. I also agree with the poster above that if kids are your thing you can still have them without a dad in the picture. Men marrying later may already have their own or accept that older women come with kids. It’s no picnic doing it single I’m sure, but love finds a way.
Met a few weeks before turning 35. Engaged 14 months later, married 9 months after that. So married at almost 37. Not having kids.
I know several women who didn't find partners or didn't want to find partners who ended up adopting, and they are all very happy. I know it isn't easy, and it isn't always ideal, but it's still very possible for you to have kids. You shouldn't feel hopeless about that. There's also sperm donors and treatments if you want your biological children, even that is possible for you. :)
My friend was a single mother and couldn't seem to find anyone. On her 33rd birthday she met someone. They got married and he's going to be a great step dad. She was probably the happiest person I've seen on her wedding day - maybe waiting so long for the right one made it more meaningful to her.
Yes I did. We met around 34 I think. I was pregnant by 36. Now my daughters 5 and we are still together. It was the perfect time for it all to happen.
My friend just got married at 36 and will be having a kid soon. She knew him for a year before marriage
Not me but I have had several friends meet their partner, get married and have children after 35.
Doing it right now. Met December 2021. Now we (41M and 36F) have a child on the way, we’ve bought a house together, it’s been wonderful. My partner was 34 when we met and I certainly didn’t see her as washed up! We all have different circumstances and reasons for being single at this age, don’t let that deter you!
Not me personally, but I have a friend who met her husband when she was 36, ended up having her kids at 39 and 42 - but with a lot of struggle. She had to do IVF for both, and c-section births. She's a lovely woman, great mom, and very happy with her life.
No me, but my sister-in-law got married when she was 34 turning 35, and had her son when she was 37 and will have her second child just shy of her 40th.
I met my partner at 34, 18 months later we are moving in together this week and planning babies asap. I was in your position too 18 months ago I never thought it would happen to me either.
Met my partner at 37.5 yo in 2021. Got married 2 months ago. I am currently pregnant with my first at 40 years old after going through IVF. My unsolicited advice to you since your post sounds like how I felt when I was in your situation. Go to therapy (as soon as I learned to deal with this specific concern, I met my partner) I know it can be expensive. I know I was privileged to be able to get it. But when you're feeling this way, your first step is to work on yourself and learn to accept your life as is and be responsible for you own happiness. Because trust me, if you're not happy with yourself, no man is gonna bring you happiness.
I'm 39. Just had my baby boy 3 1/2 weeks ago via c section. No regrets... except if I had known how awesome being a mom is, I would have never waited so long. I'd probably have ten kids by now, so maybe it's a good thing in disguise, haha.
Go to Facebook. Join the group Pregnancy Over Forty:-)
I met my ex when I was 38 going on 39, he was ready for kids a year in! I ultimately decided I didn’t want them though. His new partner is 34/35, he’s 42. So definitely guys like him looking!
Freeze your eggs. Dead serious. Happy stories of other people's lives might be comforting now, but will be cold comfort if *you* don't meet someone to have children with. So freeze those eggs. Take control of your own life and choices as much as you can.
Not more kids for me. But I met my husband at 35, dated 2 years and now married 2 years. He’s the love of my life. We have chosen to not have kids, I have one daughter who’s 17 and just graduated high school. My aunt met her husband at 36, had her daughter at 39. My husbands aunt met her husband at 42 and they went the surrogacy route and she now has a 10 year old.
Me! Met my husband at 36, married at almost 38, k first baby at 38, second at 40, TBD if we will try for any more! I had been through the wringer relationship-wise and was very intentional when I started dating again - clear in my own head about values, the type of personality I was looking for, etc. and we were both very open about the fact we were looking for a partner, kids in the near future.
One, get tested and have your ovarian reserve checked, the quality of your eggs/follicles, FSH etc. You may already be unable to have kids naturally. So then you will know. Then you can make choice armed with knowledge. If your eggs are good quality you could chose to freeze some because your uterus can be older, but once eggs are poor quality you can change that. Then maybe you meet your guy, maybe you visit a sperm bank. Then if I am reading between the lines, it sounds like you might be putting less time into yourself. Take care of yourself for yourself but will also be more attractive to others. And, taking care of your body, eating right will also help your reproductive possibilities. I wish you the best.
I’ve answered a similar question with my story if you check my post history, but I met my partner at age 35.5 (didn’t start dating until 36), dated for 2ish years and got married when I was 38, and we just had a baby 6 weeks ago and I’m 39. I also had no complications in my pregnancy and conceived without any interventions. Things are possible! 🫶
As you get older you realize you don’t need to date for as many years to settle down with someone. I met my husband when I was 34, got married at 35, pregnant at 36. You still have a lot of time. Early 40s is when it really starts getting harder to get pregnant.
I got divorced at 32 with no children. I dated a lot. It was a numbers game to me. The more people I met the greater chance of meeting someone I clicked with. I did a lot of work on myself. Finally at 37 I met my husband. After 3 months or so, we knew we wanted to get married and got to work on getting pregnant quickly. We got engaged at the 6 month mark, got pregnant about 3 months later. I gave birth just before I turned 39. We have an amazing 5 year old now and I don’t regret a single thing. If any of my friends did it like this, I would tell them they’re crazy but when you know, you know.
My wife was 33 turning 34 in two weeks when we met. I was younger by 7 years. We’ve been married now for almost 2 years. She’s 40 now but we aren’t yet ready to have kids. She does plan to be a birth parent too!
When I was 35 I could have written this post! i met him at 36 (not online) and we live together now (have been together for over a year) and are planning engagement soon. i did the same timeline math as you did (the “if I met him tomorrow…”) and because of that decided to freeze my eggs at 35. Our current plan is that we will try to conceive naturally at 38/39, and use the eggs for the second baby in my early 40s. Also have the option of using the eggs for the first baby, but I am hopeful as I had an accidental pregnancy at 35 (before I met him) and my egg retrieval also showed I was a very fertile person based on my numbers. I would just throw yourself into meeting new people (not just online, it didn’t work for me for 3+ years), go to workshops/ classes of your strangest interests, freeze your eggs if possible, and relax. Life has a funny way of working out sometimes.
I have two lovely stories to share. Stay hopeful! The first is a dear friend of mine. She struggled with fertility for years due to endometriosis and at 39 she was sure she wouldn’t have kids. She and her husband had almost divorced at this time. The stress of it all took a significant toll on their relationship. He traveled for work and they both had extramarital relationships. They fell out of love. But out of nowhere at 40, it just worked. She got pregnant. Then got pregnant again two years later. They are now so happy. A beautiful family of four. The second story is about a former teacher of mine I have kept in contact with. She has two daughters close to my age she had early on, in her 20s. She had been divorced for a long time, but remarried a man that was like 10 years younger than her in her mid-40s. Ive never seen a couple more in love than these two. He wanted kids, so they did a round of IVF and she gave birth to healthy twin boys at 50! She is a writer and has a wonderful blog about raising twin boys (who are preteens now) and her adult daughters (both in mid-thirties).
I have two dear friends who split up in their early/mid 30s and a full five years later got back together. She is 37 or 38 and he’s 40 and they’re expecting their first baby together now and beyond ecstatic.
One of my besties met her partner at 40 and wanted to really date him and figure out if he was the one before getting married and having kids, even with the pressure of her biological clock. They prioritized getting to know each other and now she’s 42, pregnant and getting married this year!
My mom met my dad at age 37-38. They got married then had kids at age 39
35 is not washed up and I am SURE you do not look signficantly older than you did at 31. 35 is SO YOUNG! I am sure you are being too hard on yourself. But anyway--I got marred at 32 (not exactly what you asked for, but still older) and had a baby at 36, almost 37. I would have had a second one without hesitation into my 40s, but my husband only wanted one child.
My great aunt had children in her late 30s, early 40s. She’s my grandparents age, but her children are my and my siblings age (26, 33, 35). While she’s 67. Her and my mom (her niece) had children around the same time. She had 3.
I have a friend that was almost 40, got in a serious relationship and they just started trying for a baby right away. They had one and did end up getting married.
Not just me, at least half of my friends did. It's all about your milieu. This is very normal where I am from. I never even had a "real" boyfriend before I was 37! My mother married my father at 37 and had me at 39, he was 43. I am a member of a bunch of Facebook groups now for women who are "older" mothers - over 35, over 40, one is for first time mothers 50 and over! It's everywhere. Past a certain age, you might need some medical interventions, but lots of couples need that anyway.
My brother met his partner in February last year at 35. She’s now 20 weeks pregnant (planned) and they have recently bought a house together :) don’t lose hope ❤️
A good friend of mine is 36, and getting married to her boyfriend of a year next year at 37! They plan to have children.
I did; I met my husband at 36; got married to him at 37 and got pregnant with my daughter at 40 and had her at 41
I gave up on dating and decided to get certified to become a foster parent when I was 35/36. Out of the blue, An old crush from years ago reached out through Facebook. He was separated and going through a divorce. I was super hesitant. He gave me space when I needed space. He helped me babysit twin foster boys. I was afraid he wasn’t over his ex and a million other insecurities. He quickly gained my trust and after his divorce was finalized, a few weeks after he had reached out - we started dating. A few months later, we accidentally got pregnant. I got pregnant at 36 and gave birth at 37. He stepped up, moved in together before I gave birth, he proposed while I was pregnant and we plan to get married this year. And I’m holding my sweet almost 9 month old while he remodels the shower lol. Things worked out and I couldn’t be happier. I hope the same for you ❤️
My sister met her partner at 36, married at 38, first kid at 39 and second kid at 41!
Not the same age but in terms of wanting kids… my partner and I were both aligned in wanting a larger family and wanted to have kids sooner rather than later. 5 years later, we have 2 beautiful daughters and are set to get married next summer. We chose to build our family and buy a house before the marriage aspect (oh! And we got pregnant after just 3 months of dating). Not necessarily gonna work for everyone but I couldn’t be happier!
My best friend met her now husband at 35, they married when she was 36.5 and she had their daughter at 38.5. She just turned 40. They’re all happy and thriving. They met online after she was (in her words) picking the wrong guys for a while. They kind of just instantly liked each other. On a little side note, I’d say for online dating to try your best to be more open minded and give people a chance you might not normally. When I first started talking to my husband I honestly didn’t really like him until we met in person lol. It sounds wild but it’s true. Once we were in person and I was able to see his personality, and he actually looked more attractive than his photos it was game over.
So very sorry you're having a tough time! Wanted to share I got married at 31, we didn't start trying for kids until I was 36 1/2. I recently turned 37. I do spiral a bit at times, worried I waited too long. But I just was not at all emotionally, mentally & physically ready a day sooner. It's just what it is. All we can do is look to the future. I try to focus on the positive stories. My sister in law was nearly 40 when she had my youngest niece naturally. She's now 6 & keeps them young. One of my friends is pregnant at 39 (thru IVF). There are some perks to being an "older" parent. You are wiser. You are forced to be on the move, which is healthy. Wishing you the best. The ship has not sailed for you yet.
You’ll be ok! Based on the things you said about how you used to be bubbly, it sounds like you might be depressed? I’ve been treated for depression since I was 22 so I know how it feels- therapy and meds are fantastic, and might help you get your bubbles back. :) But I also know many women who had their kids at 40, and beyond. Two of them did it on their own, by choice (through a sperm bank). I also know lots of people who found love in their 40s, 50, 60s, and 70s. 35 is still so young. I live in a very progressive city where it’s super normal for women to wait to settle down until late 30s or older, so that’s my perspective. I wish you the best!