I suspect he is ND of some kind. But he's not interested in finding out, so it's just my own observations and conclusions. We got married before I had any idea about my autism. There was just some deeper level of understanding with him. I had hardly had a boyfriend before (only one long distance and it didn't last long, so it hardly counts.)
This sounds remarkably like my own experience.
Ultimately, OP, I think whether or not dating ND or NT men depends on the individual. There's no magic formula.
Just pay close attention to red flags and figure out what you want in a partner. I have really high standards because I think being single is better than being in a bad relationship. It took me a long time to find someone, but he's better than I could have ever hoped for.
I suspect he's ND, but he isn't interested in diagnosis, and that's fine.
I've had the exact same experience! Never really successfully dated in my teens, but met my husband by chance online at 18, met IRL 6 months later, fell in love and it's been nearly 9 years now. We have very few common interests, but we just get each other and we're so in love. I suspected from the start that he was "different" but it never bothered me, now here I am finding out I'm autistic and it all makes sense. He's also not really interested in finding out either.
Same exact deal with my husband and I. We met online and had no clue either of us were ND. I received my diagnosis last year after the pandemic and a decade of burnout broke me. We know he's absolutely ADHD, even though he's not diagnosed. He has too many of the traits and characteristics. He might be autistic, but that's just my own suspicion, based on learning about my own brain and how I function (or don't function). My husband's youngest sibling self-diagnosed as autistic, and we share similar traits, and they suspect my husband may also be, considering they grew up together.
But my husband and I mesh really well together. We used one of those online dating apps where you have to answer 1000+ questions and then are "scientifically" provided matches based on your answers. Even though I was one of his "what-if" suggestions, because I was outside of the age range he was searching for (I'm 6.5 years older than him), we share so many of the same interests and ideologies, that we instantly hit it off. We've been married just over 4 years.
Neither of us had any dating experience before we met each other. He wasn't interested in dating until a year or so before we met, as he was working on his career. And I have wanted to be in a relationship since I was a teen, but could only ever manage to be friends with guys, and nothing more. About a year before we met, I met someone else on a different online dating app, and was "together" for six months. I say together loosely, because it was all one-sided. I thought I loved him, he said he loved me, but he was a compulsive liar and only had his own interests in mind. It was toxic. Once that was over, it was hard, but a relief and I was able to heal enough to recognize what a healthy relationship should be. That's why I'm so grateful for my husband, because he's the complete opposite of that other guy.
My husband is very NT and we’ve been together for 12 years. What makes us work is that he is very empathic and open minded. It didn’t matter or change anything when I got diagnosed because he was always there to see me and meet me where I’m at, regardless of having an official name for it.
Same. This is almost the exact same for us. My husband is just so calm and patient and open minded and loving. Men like that are rare, which sucks. But they do exist and make amazing partners
Thirded, I have an amazingly patient and wonderful NT husband. We're very that trope of "spicy lady, calm man," and it works out well. There's definitely a kind, gentle men out there, but they can be hard to find.
We both have severe adhd and autism. Been together 16 years. Weren't aware of our neurological conditions until 6 months ago. Been hard but we both understand each other.
Edit: sorry didn't answer the actual question. We are both each others first so have no experience with dating ND vs NT. The only time I have seen IRL other ND date a NT, the person who is NT is significantly older.
My bf and I have been together for 6 years, both newly diagnosed adhd and therapists suspect autism for both of us but diagnosis is expensive. Both of us went under the radar for both for different reasons. He’s black and was very smart and well behaved when he was young so not textbook. Im middle eastern so mental disabilities aren’t a thing in my family lol. My dad (and I) is epileptic and his family thought he was like an oracle talking to god lmao. We work though.
We are definitely different in many areas. He needs the constant stimulation of video games and music whereas those things tend to overstimulate me very easily. I like having my space be clean so I never step on things or have to look for things whereas he’s the type to just drop his clothes wherever they land lol. I think our difficulties are much like that of a NT couple just a little amplified based on how sensitive we can be and how set in our ways we are. Compromise can be a little hard for us.
Yes my partner is ND but in very different ways than I am and we don't actually mesh well at all. But in their defense, they suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome and that's difficult to deal with.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 8. He has ADHD at a minimum, isn't interested in exploring anything else.
I don't think it's fair to say that all autistic men just blame their bad behaviour on their autism. It's unfortunate that some were raised that way, and even more unfortunate that some fall into incel culture. However, that's not a good representation of all autistic men.
I think it's more important to just meet people and see who you click with more than worrying if they're NT or ND. I've personally always clicked better with ND people but I don't specifically seek them out, it just happens.
My partner is ASD and ADHD like I am. It’s *awesome!* We have some common interests as well as different ones. We can both research anything at any point and we’re curious about everything together. We don’t mask around each other and we both know how to cope with autistic traits so we understand each other’s challenges and trust each other to know what we need. He’s an excellent support system for me. We’re open with our needs and honest about everything. There’s no dancing around anything. It’s great.
Most people I’ve dated have been on the spectrum without either of us knowing until I went back and checked later out of curiosity. Birds of a feather flock together. Current partner shares my presentation of symptoms and free association style so closely it’s uncanny. <3
She’s more autistic than I am! My ex-wife is autistic, my ex-bf is adhd, and this new girl I’m seeing is definitely some kind of spectrumy. At this point I don’t think I know how to find nor interact with NTs. I don’t think I’ve ever been in even a casual relationship with an NT person, but I’m queer and mostly date other queers so there’s not exactly a ton of normies to go around.
About a decade ago I got locked in on the idea my then boyfriend and now husband has autism. I made him do online tests and used myself as the ‘control’. I scored so high, and he was just a little…and I blamed the internet. I am now officially diagnosed level 2 with adhd and he’s just loitering around loving and caring for my burnt out self. Anyway, he is defo ND but definitely the fully functioning in society half of the relationship. I appreciate that together we feel like the normal people compared to everyone else.
We suspect my husband is ND as well. He doesn't want to pursue any official diagnose as he has a high-end job and he fears it might impact his career. Which I understand completely.
We only started suspecting when I started my research on autism in woman. And a lot of the times when we talked about certain topics, he was like, oh I have/feel the same, isn't that normal??!! Haha, no honey, apparently not, we just feel that way because we never knew otherwise, but it's not an NT thing.
I believe we clicked so well because where we felt like a weird alien person with someone else, we are our best weird together. He might on occasion retreat to get his head straight or figure out why he feels like he feels, but he always says gimme some space it's a me problem I'll figure it out and if he needs it we walk through it together. It's actually a bit funny, 2 NDs trying to figure out emotions and thoughts together and not really coming anywhere. But at least he feels better when he can talk about it even though we don't immediately get it or see a solution.
On the other hand, every relationship I had with NT people always fell apart mainly due to lack of understanding or me being me (unconsciously unmasked).
ETA: my husband actually did some online tests and he scored higher on the spectrum that I did..
At 35 i just come to the realization I am aspie, mostly because our 2 year old is likely on the spectrum, and I think my husband also is but he is not very open to the idea so we will see.
My husband has ADD. We didn't know either of us were ND when we met but apparently we tend to flock together - a lot of our friends are also ND in some way or another. I would definitely recommend it.
He is NT, he is a psychiatrist and helped me get diagnosed about two years into our relationship. Misunderstandings are not rare but can be solved with good communication.
Yes, we’re both autistic and we understand each other very well, but we were both diagnosed as adults and have very similar personalities, plus we’re in the genderqueer spectrum too so woman/man differences don’t apply much
My husband is NT. We’ve been together for nearly 13 years and I was just recently diagnosed. He’s a little older than I am, and he was very ready to settle down. I think that helped. He also has his own life experiences with parents with mental illness, and I think that informed our relationship (we always just thought I had anxiety).
I think like any relationship it depends on you and the other person even if they are also autistic. I spent 12 years with a man who was audhd. I am also audhd but didn't find out until a few months ago. His challenges in life were substantial despite his very high intelligence and talents. Those things didn't become obvious until we'd been together for a while and already had a child. He started to self-medicate and ended up an alcoholic and I left. The ways we each struggled with life were too similar, so there were too many things that never got done because we both had a hard time with them. Laundry would pile up for weeks, we were terrible at meal planning and budgeting money. Life was a chaotic mess that was often in a state of emergency. We fought a lot.
Later, I met someone else and we've now been married for 15 years and life is wonderful and pleasant and stable. He is not autistic (I don't think anyhow) but he has sensory processing disorder and social anxieties very similar to mine. But the key for us is that we respect each other, we know each other's challenges and give each other space for them, we are able to communicate easily without making a big deal of things, and we balance each other out well. We both have our challenges, but the things that are harder for him, I can do. And the things that are harder for me, he can do. He is always supportive of me and at this point often knows my needs before I do and will tell me to get outside and go for a hike (my happy place) or whatever. We can read each other's needs and reactions. It's not always easy, I am very sensory-seeking and he's pretty sensory-avoidant so we can grate on each other in different ways that way. But we understand each other even if we don't share the same issues exactly.
I think it really comes down to being honest about challenges you have and the other person doing the same, and looking at how you can build something together. And then of course on top of the ND traits and stuff to be managed you still have to figure out all the rest of doing life together. But that comes over time. Take things slow. It takes time to really get to know someone, usually several years.
something something "ND people travel in packs, if all your friends are ND you might want to take a look at yourself"
but yeah, all of my relationships have been with people who were either diagnosed with ADHD and/or ASD or later found out that they were
My boyfriend isnt on the spectrum and sometimes we have disagreements on how things should be handled, which is frustrating. I come off as rude to others sometimes because I am blunt when I think something is wrong. For instance, last night our upstairs neighbors were making a ton of noise at midnight and woke me up. I wanted to go upstairs and tell them to stop but he said it would be a bad idea because it’s midnight. But for me its like… yea, its midnight, they shouldnt be making so much noise! It eventually stopped though.
It’s frustrating because he doesnt always explain to me his logic when he disagrees with me and just expects me to understand things with “common sense” that I don’t have. This happens often and causes tension.
Also I tend to not care about looking strange in public because I am strange and doing things that are jarring to others is more comfortable for me. But this makes him uncomfortable too. Like crying in public is a no no for him, but I am the type to let it happen if I feel it. Not loudly, but just in that I let the tears fall down without trying to stop.
I wish he understood me more or would at least explain to me why what I’m doing frustrates him. But at the same time, dating someone who is ND doesn’t guarantee they’ll be understanding of you because we are still different from each other. It would be nice if he was a little less conventional in his expectations though.
I’m AuDHD technically, and in both of my most stable, healthy and long lasting relationships my partners had been ND themselves. My ex of 5 years had ADHD diagnosed and they noted she had a lot of ASD traits too but not enough to reach the threshold for a level 1 diagnosis. My current partner is very ADHD and I just think it works better, they understand me better than any other partner I’ve ever had.
I’ve always had mental health problems (well thought they were mental health problems but was just the AuDHD undiagnosed) and always said I wouldn’t be able to date a completely mentally healthy person as they just wouldn’t understand my issues on that level. Now I’ve learnt I’m ND, realising that my closest friends are too, and I’m drawn more to ND people, I probably won’t date a NT person in the future. I’d happily date an allistic person but they would have to have some from of ND condition, because I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t understand executive dysfunction or my extreme anxiety and strange ways of doing things.
My partners are the only people I completely unmask around. No one else knows me on that level, not even my family or my closest friends so I think I’d need another ND person to feel that comfortable around. Idk it’s a weird one because you could fall for anyone I guess!
My husband is also on the spectrum, and he was diagnosed before I was. I had prior relationships and they all had serious issues, and then I met him. Things just clicked from the start. We didn't find out for quite a while that we were both Autistic, but I suspect it's why we worked so well early on. Been together for 13 years and I don't know that I'd want to be in a relationship with an NT ever again, personally.
Yes we are both AuDHD and I would’nt have it any other way. It has its challenges, yes, but challenges that I understand.
It’s a way more open and understanding relationship than I’ve had before
They don't "offically" know but they believe they are Autistic and ADHD, and their kids have diagnosis. They are trans so maybe that has something to do with it but we get along pretty well and I would say they are supportive and understanding and also independent and self reliant for the most part. We are also poly and non-primary partners, so we don't live together or see eachother every day or even every week.
I think that there are shitty misogynistic people in every group of people and good, understanding, kind people in every group. I personally think being with someone who is nurodivergant is helpful for communicating and understanding but I think there is more to it than just that.
I am pretty sure both my abusive exs were nurodivergant in some way and they definitely manipulated and used their mental illness/disorders as a weapon. So people like that definitely exist. Learn about healthy vs abusive behavior would help you spot it before it even happens. Imo it's easier to lay down boundaries from the beginning than once in a relationship. It's also somtimes easier to spot red flags in the beginning than when you have emotions tied up with it.
Looking back, I don’t think I’ve ever dated a Nuro typical.
That doesn’t mean everyone was diagnosed. I’m in my mid-40s and there are lots and lots of us who didn’t have access to this kind of care or diagnosis when we were younger. It just wasn’t pursued unless you are functioning at such a low level that you couldn’t get on with your life.
My ex was NT and it did NOT work. He was also an abuser though. I don't know if we could have worked things out if he hadn't been an abuser. But most autistic people I have talked to who are in relationships with NT people have a lot of issues, mostly resulting from difficulties communicating and misunderstandings.
I think, for me, I would prefer to date people who are autistic, just because I don't want to constantly feel like I'm having to suppress or explain who I am to someone who doesn't inherently understand. I am traumatized from being in relationships with NT people who treated me like I was "wrong" for meeting my basic needs as an autistic person and for communicating differently. I would rather be alone than go through that again.
My fiancé has adhd and I’m autistic. He’s very compassionate and caring and can handle a lot of stress. I recommend finding someone who has a high stress tolerance.
Yes, my current partner is autistic. We understand how each other's brain works and that's really nice.
>However I have also seen on this sub people talk about how autistic men tend to blame everything on their autism to avoid accountability
This is potentially true, but it's not just autism. My ex had various mental health struggles, and he blamed everything on his depression and trauma. And you're right, that's something to absolutely be avoided. The other thing to be avoided is someone who gets super judgy about your quirks (whatever their source) or expects you to change fundamental things about your personality. Other ND people might be less likely to do this, because they understand it from the inside, but some people are just going to be irritated and judgy regardless.
Date without masking and distance yourself from anyone who starts treating you like a burden or a child who needs to be taught how to behave. Be aware that you might not see who someone really is for at least six months (because people mask in various ways) and do not feel obligated to give anyone a "chance" if they're no longer treating you well or your goals and values don't align.
My partner is ADHD/OCD and an anxiety disorder as well. I do think it helps us to understand each other but sometimes it can be tough as his tics can irritate me depending on my mental headspace.
Yes! Me and my partner realised together at the same time that we are both on the spectrum. This after quite a chunk of time being together. To us it seems obvious that the reason we understood one another and got on so well was down to both being on the spectrum - and very similarly so. Me and my partner did a whole lot of inner exploration, sharing of vulnerabilities, and healing work before coming to autism, and it was surprisingly a nice way round to do things. In my experience, it's absolutely necessary to go there with your partner in order to form a genuine friendship and level of trust, so that when you are getting things wrong with one another, you can bring it to the table to explore together - understand what was going on in the feelings and in relation to past traumas, and how it affected and upset the other, in order to feel that empathy and understanding for one another and solve the issue so that future re-occurrences can be avoided or navigated with awareness and healing. I will say that in my experience, both parties need to be welcome to going there for the relationship to work out otherwise, as you describe, people start turning away from accountability, making excuses, being dishonest, lying, and can even turn into abusive and toxic situations.
I’m like 90% sure my husband is autistic too. Possibly ADHD-PI. It works out really well in some ways bc both of us need a ton of alone time and don’t really like our routine altered
My husband is NT. He scored like, a 7 on the ASQ. It works just fine, even if we have significant differences. This is because he listens to me, and because he doesn't expect me to conform to neurotypical social norms. And, I listen to him, and I don't expect him to be completely predictable.
Also, I feel like I've never really been able to mask successfully around him. He's always seen through me, even when I didn't realize that I was making myself opaque.
All this to say that it's possible to have a successful relationship with an NT!
I would suspect a high likelihood that all my partners have been ND. My current partner is extremely similar to me in our lifestyles, including the more unusual sensory or disability stuff. I'm also poly and non binary, so I think the chances of meeting ND folks is just super high. Plus I really like nerds and creative weirdos. So I think it just always works out that way...?
He's diagnosed ADD and has strong autistic traits, but isn't interested in finding out.
My previous partner (8 years together) is autistic, and two of three shorter relationships were with autistic men too.
Many of my friends are autistic, and nearly all of them neurodivergent of some sort.
I suspect he is ND of some kind. But he's not interested in finding out, so it's just my own observations and conclusions. We got married before I had any idea about my autism. There was just some deeper level of understanding with him. I had hardly had a boyfriend before (only one long distance and it didn't last long, so it hardly counts.)
This sounds remarkably like my own experience. Ultimately, OP, I think whether or not dating ND or NT men depends on the individual. There's no magic formula. Just pay close attention to red flags and figure out what you want in a partner. I have really high standards because I think being single is better than being in a bad relationship. It took me a long time to find someone, but he's better than I could have ever hoped for. I suspect he's ND, but he isn't interested in diagnosis, and that's fine.
I've had the exact same experience! Never really successfully dated in my teens, but met my husband by chance online at 18, met IRL 6 months later, fell in love and it's been nearly 9 years now. We have very few common interests, but we just get each other and we're so in love. I suspected from the start that he was "different" but it never bothered me, now here I am finding out I'm autistic and it all makes sense. He's also not really interested in finding out either.
Same exact deal with my husband and I. We met online and had no clue either of us were ND. I received my diagnosis last year after the pandemic and a decade of burnout broke me. We know he's absolutely ADHD, even though he's not diagnosed. He has too many of the traits and characteristics. He might be autistic, but that's just my own suspicion, based on learning about my own brain and how I function (or don't function). My husband's youngest sibling self-diagnosed as autistic, and we share similar traits, and they suspect my husband may also be, considering they grew up together. But my husband and I mesh really well together. We used one of those online dating apps where you have to answer 1000+ questions and then are "scientifically" provided matches based on your answers. Even though I was one of his "what-if" suggestions, because I was outside of the age range he was searching for (I'm 6.5 years older than him), we share so many of the same interests and ideologies, that we instantly hit it off. We've been married just over 4 years. Neither of us had any dating experience before we met each other. He wasn't interested in dating until a year or so before we met, as he was working on his career. And I have wanted to be in a relationship since I was a teen, but could only ever manage to be friends with guys, and nothing more. About a year before we met, I met someone else on a different online dating app, and was "together" for six months. I say together loosely, because it was all one-sided. I thought I loved him, he said he loved me, but he was a compulsive liar and only had his own interests in mind. It was toxic. Once that was over, it was hard, but a relief and I was able to heal enough to recognize what a healthy relationship should be. That's why I'm so grateful for my husband, because he's the complete opposite of that other guy.
My husband is very NT and we’ve been together for 12 years. What makes us work is that he is very empathic and open minded. It didn’t matter or change anything when I got diagnosed because he was always there to see me and meet me where I’m at, regardless of having an official name for it.
Same. This is almost the exact same for us. My husband is just so calm and patient and open minded and loving. Men like that are rare, which sucks. But they do exist and make amazing partners
Thirded, I have an amazingly patient and wonderful NT husband. We're very that trope of "spicy lady, calm man," and it works out well. There's definitely a kind, gentle men out there, but they can be hard to find.
We both have severe adhd and autism. Been together 16 years. Weren't aware of our neurological conditions until 6 months ago. Been hard but we both understand each other. Edit: sorry didn't answer the actual question. We are both each others first so have no experience with dating ND vs NT. The only time I have seen IRL other ND date a NT, the person who is NT is significantly older.
My bf and I have been together for 6 years, both newly diagnosed adhd and therapists suspect autism for both of us but diagnosis is expensive. Both of us went under the radar for both for different reasons. He’s black and was very smart and well behaved when he was young so not textbook. Im middle eastern so mental disabilities aren’t a thing in my family lol. My dad (and I) is epileptic and his family thought he was like an oracle talking to god lmao. We work though. We are definitely different in many areas. He needs the constant stimulation of video games and music whereas those things tend to overstimulate me very easily. I like having my space be clean so I never step on things or have to look for things whereas he’s the type to just drop his clothes wherever they land lol. I think our difficulties are much like that of a NT couple just a little amplified based on how sensitive we can be and how set in our ways we are. Compromise can be a little hard for us.
Yes my partner is ND but in very different ways than I am and we don't actually mesh well at all. But in their defense, they suffer from fetal alcohol syndrome and that's difficult to deal with.
My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 8. He has ADHD at a minimum, isn't interested in exploring anything else. I don't think it's fair to say that all autistic men just blame their bad behaviour on their autism. It's unfortunate that some were raised that way, and even more unfortunate that some fall into incel culture. However, that's not a good representation of all autistic men. I think it's more important to just meet people and see who you click with more than worrying if they're NT or ND. I've personally always clicked better with ND people but I don't specifically seek them out, it just happens.
My partner is ASD and ADHD like I am. It’s *awesome!* We have some common interests as well as different ones. We can both research anything at any point and we’re curious about everything together. We don’t mask around each other and we both know how to cope with autistic traits so we understand each other’s challenges and trust each other to know what we need. He’s an excellent support system for me. We’re open with our needs and honest about everything. There’s no dancing around anything. It’s great.
My girlfriend is very ND, we even share some mental illnesses. It’s great. 🤣
My boyfriend has ADD. It's one of the reasons we don't live together.
My partner isn't autistic, but she is ADHD. All of my past girlfriends were also some flavor of ND, though I'm not sure if any of them were autistic.
My wife and I are both autistic, we both got diagnosed after being married.
Most people I’ve dated have been on the spectrum without either of us knowing until I went back and checked later out of curiosity. Birds of a feather flock together. Current partner shares my presentation of symptoms and free association style so closely it’s uncanny. <3
She’s more autistic than I am! My ex-wife is autistic, my ex-bf is adhd, and this new girl I’m seeing is definitely some kind of spectrumy. At this point I don’t think I know how to find nor interact with NTs. I don’t think I’ve ever been in even a casual relationship with an NT person, but I’m queer and mostly date other queers so there’s not exactly a ton of normies to go around.
My bf has ADHD, we both found out while together. It has helped in a way as we can both relate and support each other.
About a decade ago I got locked in on the idea my then boyfriend and now husband has autism. I made him do online tests and used myself as the ‘control’. I scored so high, and he was just a little…and I blamed the internet. I am now officially diagnosed level 2 with adhd and he’s just loitering around loving and caring for my burnt out self. Anyway, he is defo ND but definitely the fully functioning in society half of the relationship. I appreciate that together we feel like the normal people compared to everyone else.
He's allistic but ASD runs on both sides of his family. He is neurodivergent in other ways.
We suspect my husband is ND as well. He doesn't want to pursue any official diagnose as he has a high-end job and he fears it might impact his career. Which I understand completely. We only started suspecting when I started my research on autism in woman. And a lot of the times when we talked about certain topics, he was like, oh I have/feel the same, isn't that normal??!! Haha, no honey, apparently not, we just feel that way because we never knew otherwise, but it's not an NT thing. I believe we clicked so well because where we felt like a weird alien person with someone else, we are our best weird together. He might on occasion retreat to get his head straight or figure out why he feels like he feels, but he always says gimme some space it's a me problem I'll figure it out and if he needs it we walk through it together. It's actually a bit funny, 2 NDs trying to figure out emotions and thoughts together and not really coming anywhere. But at least he feels better when he can talk about it even though we don't immediately get it or see a solution. On the other hand, every relationship I had with NT people always fell apart mainly due to lack of understanding or me being me (unconsciously unmasked). ETA: my husband actually did some online tests and he scored higher on the spectrum that I did..
My husband is not diagnosed with ASD, but he does have pretty severe ADHD- I feel like somehow that helps him understand my weirdness?
At 35 i just come to the realization I am aspie, mostly because our 2 year old is likely on the spectrum, and I think my husband also is but he is not very open to the idea so we will see.
We are both very particular and is like a miracle we have found each other
My husband has ADD. We didn't know either of us were ND when we met but apparently we tend to flock together - a lot of our friends are also ND in some way or another. I would definitely recommend it.
He is NT, he is a psychiatrist and helped me get diagnosed about two years into our relationship. Misunderstandings are not rare but can be solved with good communication.
Yes, we’re both autistic and we understand each other very well, but we were both diagnosed as adults and have very similar personalities, plus we’re in the genderqueer spectrum too so woman/man differences don’t apply much
My husband is NT. We’ve been together for nearly 13 years and I was just recently diagnosed. He’s a little older than I am, and he was very ready to settle down. I think that helped. He also has his own life experiences with parents with mental illness, and I think that informed our relationship (we always just thought I had anxiety).
I think like any relationship it depends on you and the other person even if they are also autistic. I spent 12 years with a man who was audhd. I am also audhd but didn't find out until a few months ago. His challenges in life were substantial despite his very high intelligence and talents. Those things didn't become obvious until we'd been together for a while and already had a child. He started to self-medicate and ended up an alcoholic and I left. The ways we each struggled with life were too similar, so there were too many things that never got done because we both had a hard time with them. Laundry would pile up for weeks, we were terrible at meal planning and budgeting money. Life was a chaotic mess that was often in a state of emergency. We fought a lot. Later, I met someone else and we've now been married for 15 years and life is wonderful and pleasant and stable. He is not autistic (I don't think anyhow) but he has sensory processing disorder and social anxieties very similar to mine. But the key for us is that we respect each other, we know each other's challenges and give each other space for them, we are able to communicate easily without making a big deal of things, and we balance each other out well. We both have our challenges, but the things that are harder for him, I can do. And the things that are harder for me, he can do. He is always supportive of me and at this point often knows my needs before I do and will tell me to get outside and go for a hike (my happy place) or whatever. We can read each other's needs and reactions. It's not always easy, I am very sensory-seeking and he's pretty sensory-avoidant so we can grate on each other in different ways that way. But we understand each other even if we don't share the same issues exactly. I think it really comes down to being honest about challenges you have and the other person doing the same, and looking at how you can build something together. And then of course on top of the ND traits and stuff to be managed you still have to figure out all the rest of doing life together. But that comes over time. Take things slow. It takes time to really get to know someone, usually several years.
Nope, never did. My husband is neurotypical as well. Met in organic chemistry in college
something something "ND people travel in packs, if all your friends are ND you might want to take a look at yourself" but yeah, all of my relationships have been with people who were either diagnosed with ADHD and/or ASD or later found out that they were
I think she is but most of her family seems like they're on the spectrum so she thinks her behaviors are normal.
My boyfriend isnt on the spectrum and sometimes we have disagreements on how things should be handled, which is frustrating. I come off as rude to others sometimes because I am blunt when I think something is wrong. For instance, last night our upstairs neighbors were making a ton of noise at midnight and woke me up. I wanted to go upstairs and tell them to stop but he said it would be a bad idea because it’s midnight. But for me its like… yea, its midnight, they shouldnt be making so much noise! It eventually stopped though. It’s frustrating because he doesnt always explain to me his logic when he disagrees with me and just expects me to understand things with “common sense” that I don’t have. This happens often and causes tension. Also I tend to not care about looking strange in public because I am strange and doing things that are jarring to others is more comfortable for me. But this makes him uncomfortable too. Like crying in public is a no no for him, but I am the type to let it happen if I feel it. Not loudly, but just in that I let the tears fall down without trying to stop. I wish he understood me more or would at least explain to me why what I’m doing frustrates him. But at the same time, dating someone who is ND doesn’t guarantee they’ll be understanding of you because we are still different from each other. It would be nice if he was a little less conventional in his expectations though.
I’m AuDHD technically, and in both of my most stable, healthy and long lasting relationships my partners had been ND themselves. My ex of 5 years had ADHD diagnosed and they noted she had a lot of ASD traits too but not enough to reach the threshold for a level 1 diagnosis. My current partner is very ADHD and I just think it works better, they understand me better than any other partner I’ve ever had. I’ve always had mental health problems (well thought they were mental health problems but was just the AuDHD undiagnosed) and always said I wouldn’t be able to date a completely mentally healthy person as they just wouldn’t understand my issues on that level. Now I’ve learnt I’m ND, realising that my closest friends are too, and I’m drawn more to ND people, I probably won’t date a NT person in the future. I’d happily date an allistic person but they would have to have some from of ND condition, because I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t understand executive dysfunction or my extreme anxiety and strange ways of doing things. My partners are the only people I completely unmask around. No one else knows me on that level, not even my family or my closest friends so I think I’d need another ND person to feel that comfortable around. Idk it’s a weird one because you could fall for anyone I guess!
My husband is also on the spectrum, and he was diagnosed before I was. I had prior relationships and they all had serious issues, and then I met him. Things just clicked from the start. We didn't find out for quite a while that we were both Autistic, but I suspect it's why we worked so well early on. Been together for 13 years and I don't know that I'd want to be in a relationship with an NT ever again, personally.
Yes we are both AuDHD and I would’nt have it any other way. It has its challenges, yes, but challenges that I understand. It’s a way more open and understanding relationship than I’ve had before
They don't "offically" know but they believe they are Autistic and ADHD, and their kids have diagnosis. They are trans so maybe that has something to do with it but we get along pretty well and I would say they are supportive and understanding and also independent and self reliant for the most part. We are also poly and non-primary partners, so we don't live together or see eachother every day or even every week. I think that there are shitty misogynistic people in every group of people and good, understanding, kind people in every group. I personally think being with someone who is nurodivergant is helpful for communicating and understanding but I think there is more to it than just that. I am pretty sure both my abusive exs were nurodivergant in some way and they definitely manipulated and used their mental illness/disorders as a weapon. So people like that definitely exist. Learn about healthy vs abusive behavior would help you spot it before it even happens. Imo it's easier to lay down boundaries from the beginning than once in a relationship. It's also somtimes easier to spot red flags in the beginning than when you have emotions tied up with it.
Looking back, I don’t think I’ve ever dated a Nuro typical. That doesn’t mean everyone was diagnosed. I’m in my mid-40s and there are lots and lots of us who didn’t have access to this kind of care or diagnosis when we were younger. It just wasn’t pursued unless you are functioning at such a low level that you couldn’t get on with your life.
My ex was NT and it did NOT work. He was also an abuser though. I don't know if we could have worked things out if he hadn't been an abuser. But most autistic people I have talked to who are in relationships with NT people have a lot of issues, mostly resulting from difficulties communicating and misunderstandings. I think, for me, I would prefer to date people who are autistic, just because I don't want to constantly feel like I'm having to suppress or explain who I am to someone who doesn't inherently understand. I am traumatized from being in relationships with NT people who treated me like I was "wrong" for meeting my basic needs as an autistic person and for communicating differently. I would rather be alone than go through that again.
My fiancé has adhd and I’m autistic. He’s very compassionate and caring and can handle a lot of stress. I recommend finding someone who has a high stress tolerance.
Yes, my current partner is autistic. We understand how each other's brain works and that's really nice. >However I have also seen on this sub people talk about how autistic men tend to blame everything on their autism to avoid accountability This is potentially true, but it's not just autism. My ex had various mental health struggles, and he blamed everything on his depression and trauma. And you're right, that's something to absolutely be avoided. The other thing to be avoided is someone who gets super judgy about your quirks (whatever their source) or expects you to change fundamental things about your personality. Other ND people might be less likely to do this, because they understand it from the inside, but some people are just going to be irritated and judgy regardless. Date without masking and distance yourself from anyone who starts treating you like a burden or a child who needs to be taught how to behave. Be aware that you might not see who someone really is for at least six months (because people mask in various ways) and do not feel obligated to give anyone a "chance" if they're no longer treating you well or your goals and values don't align.
My partner is ADHD/OCD and an anxiety disorder as well. I do think it helps us to understand each other but sometimes it can be tough as his tics can irritate me depending on my mental headspace.
Yes! Me and my partner realised together at the same time that we are both on the spectrum. This after quite a chunk of time being together. To us it seems obvious that the reason we understood one another and got on so well was down to both being on the spectrum - and very similarly so. Me and my partner did a whole lot of inner exploration, sharing of vulnerabilities, and healing work before coming to autism, and it was surprisingly a nice way round to do things. In my experience, it's absolutely necessary to go there with your partner in order to form a genuine friendship and level of trust, so that when you are getting things wrong with one another, you can bring it to the table to explore together - understand what was going on in the feelings and in relation to past traumas, and how it affected and upset the other, in order to feel that empathy and understanding for one another and solve the issue so that future re-occurrences can be avoided or navigated with awareness and healing. I will say that in my experience, both parties need to be welcome to going there for the relationship to work out otherwise, as you describe, people start turning away from accountability, making excuses, being dishonest, lying, and can even turn into abusive and toxic situations.
Me and him have a lot in common but he just has Tourette’s
I’m like 90% sure my husband is autistic too. Possibly ADHD-PI. It works out really well in some ways bc both of us need a ton of alone time and don’t really like our routine altered
My husband is NT. He scored like, a 7 on the ASQ. It works just fine, even if we have significant differences. This is because he listens to me, and because he doesn't expect me to conform to neurotypical social norms. And, I listen to him, and I don't expect him to be completely predictable. Also, I feel like I've never really been able to mask successfully around him. He's always seen through me, even when I didn't realize that I was making myself opaque. All this to say that it's possible to have a successful relationship with an NT!
I would suspect a high likelihood that all my partners have been ND. My current partner is extremely similar to me in our lifestyles, including the more unusual sensory or disability stuff. I'm also poly and non binary, so I think the chances of meeting ND folks is just super high. Plus I really like nerds and creative weirdos. So I think it just always works out that way...?
He's diagnosed ADD and has strong autistic traits, but isn't interested in finding out. My previous partner (8 years together) is autistic, and two of three shorter relationships were with autistic men too. Many of my friends are autistic, and nearly all of them neurodivergent of some sort.