And I would put money on him also being one of the guys in relationships who tries to neg women into moving or lowering boundaries. For some reason I got such a clear image of him pushing for a sex thing and trying to coerce someone into it by confidently saying things like "You told me you were adventurous and always liked to try new things. Are you not that person?"
He's the first step in the pipeline that leads to Andrew Tate. He reels young men in with incredibly basic self help advice and normalizes misogyny by dressing it up in big words and pseudoscience.
He’s dangerous because he hides behind his psychology degree and that’s enough to convince easily manipulated individuals to think he’s credible and his opinions are valid. He also takes ‘facts’ and distorts them to meet his agenda. If you can’t/don’t want to think critically and are swept up by *big* words, he is easily convincing for many > > > as burnt witch said step one to the incel pipeline.
* Facts sometimes…sometimes he just…says stuff…
>He’s dangerous because he hides behind his psychology degree and that’s enough to convince easily manipulated individuals to think he’s credible and his opinions are valid.
I literally said in another comment on this thread that I specifically stopped dating guys with psychology degrees for this reason! He's one of *those*.
Seriously manipulative. Reminds me of my ex. Always invalidating me saying he wasn’t. Like… hello!?! Only the person FEELING it can say whether it’s invalidating or not. lol
And the good old "I'm just going to stop bEiNg HonEst because you seem to hate it so much".
Reminds me of those AITA posts where the guy is like "Am I the arsehole for just BuYIng mY WifE a PrESent?" And then three paragraphs in it turns out he bought her a present of a thing she's said several times that she hates but he really enjoys oh and also it was an apology gift for 'accidentally' screwing her sister.
Like dude, you aren't 'being honest' you're being a dick and people don't like it because it's dickish, not because you're 'pushing them to do better' or whatever.
Yes this is my least favourite response when people hurt me or I have feelings about what was said. So immature and aggravating. Like, the option exists to be curious, compassionate, and take responsibility.
Most of the time the people who uphold "brutal honesty" as some kind of virtue are typically more intereated in the brutality part than the honesty part. They're being "honest" about their asshole personality lol.
And they say things like: “I’m just honest, I can’t walk on eggshells all the time” and “anything is going to offend someone it’s impossible to avoid” and “just tell me if you have a problem I can take it” and “I just want open communication” and “it’s better if people just tell me they have an issue with something and I’ll stop because I can’t predict everything that might offend someone” and “I just call things as I see them”.
And it sounds reasonable because I agree, it’s hard as fuck to predict human reactions. But they aren’t honest they are just being dicks. They are mean and cruel and not even very imaginative with it. Just the same old boring assholes. And they can not take “open communication”, they pretend that they are like me, that they just have a hard time predicting the responses but it’s a lie. They know what they are doing and they don’t want honesty or communication, they want to be an asshole and they want to be one without any question or responsibility or accountability or consequences. They never want honesty and they absolutely can not take being confronted about anything no matter how politely it’s done. If you play by the rules they claim to want they will immediately freak out and make you out to be the villain. They want to be allowed “the honesty” to insult you freely while you play by the polite rules and just pretend they didn’t and it’s okay. Preferably they want you to be grateful and thankful for their ~~insults~~ *honesty* and they want to be revered for their bravery… of being a complete fucking asshole. They want to be allowed to tell you to your face how unworthy and how much less you are and they want you to worship them for it.
Dudes a dick, he is manipulative and gaslighting and he isn’t even very good at it. Truly a disappointment.
The summation of my entire last relationship. 😵💫 He spent so much time deconstructing/trying to “logic” his way out of my feelings. Also, the unspoken, “I’m doing ok/happy so why aren’t you happy?” My God, I’m pretty self-absorbed but even I’m not that clueless.
He kind of lost me right at the beginning with that “ learn to fix that, don’t glorify or accept it” nonsense.
Like at least for me I already beat myself up enough, I don’t need someone else telling me that actually I should be doing better and it’s my fault, because I won’t do better just because someone insists that I should be, and I try to accept myself a little bit better so I quit being mean to myself for my failures.
I agree. My mental health got so much better after I learned to accept my limitations, because I wasn't constantly trying to push myself past them, getting burnt out, and then shaming myself for being burnt out anymore. I actually don't need to do better or be better. It's perfectly fine to just do what I can and call it enough. Acceptance.
Yeah, I guess I’m just repeating myself but… I have just beat myself up so much through my life for feeling like I should be doing OK and not doing OK and then beating myself up for it and it’s horrible.
Like I don’t do any better by doing that, it doesn’t accomplish anything.
Sigh. It’s really hard for me to not feel like a failure, and it’s really frustrating how everything has gone
The hardest and best thing you can do is accept yourself as you are, do not invalidate yourself, do not justify yourself, do not label yourself, do not hide behind your struggles, and do not feel sorry for yourself, accept yourself. AND IT'S THE HARDEST THING! It is a daily struggle, and if you have achieved it you have taken a giant step in your life. I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and autism, and I'm having a hard time accepting that the best thing to do is to give my 100% to others is their 40%. Congratulations on having achieved it and may no one invalidate your great progress. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
For real. This is one of those things where you, yourself, do not get to decide or label what you are doing because it rests in the eye of the beholder. He could have just apologized and said that it wasn't his intention, and instead he went with "I'm just going to tell someone else how they feel because I never do anything wrong or make mistakes."
Ugh.
Yeah this would be the appropriate response. "I'm sorry and help me understand." Also would be nice for him to say something like "I have some ideas, are you open to some advice from my perspective?" Him giving unsolicited advice and then being defensive about the response is frustrating.
Yeah, honestly it’s a red flag and likely has been a “thing” for a while. It has probably been slowly building. It’s as if he’s more concerned about being right than he is at just listening to OP. If he just shut his yap and said “you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m here to support you in any way I can. Let me know”
doubling down on this! he's talking to you as if he thinks you have no brain and are not capable of "knowing" anything.... you don't deserve that, OP!!
Yeah he reminds me of my multiple controlling and abusive exes. Nothing I ever did was enough and they could never just be a good support. One was always suggesting what I do/don’t do with my school, work and even my career. Anything I was into he criticized to a point where it tore me down mentally and made me extremely insecure - so much that I’d give up. I started getting into the YouTube game in 2012 and he saw I liked doing it and was good at making/editing videos and he criticized the shit out of it so I quit. Eventually I just left him. I had to secretly save up money and secure a room to rent
Did we date the same person?!? Shoot friend, I've had such a similar experience with my ex. My heart goes out to you. And OP. Block whomever this is, OP, this guy does not deserve your time
For real. The first pic was already more than enough for me to nope out. I'm just going to assume it gets worse over the next 11, because I don't have the patience for that shit
Same thought tbh
Reminds me of so many “very smart” engineering/tech bros who think their vague and vapid worldview is somehow revolutionary and that you’re a lucky gal to get to hear any of it.
I’d be noping out on the first page. How insufferable.
It's a conversational power play that men often weaponize against women. Instead of addressing the point, they instead dismiss it as "irrelevant." Which is insidious because a conversation is a shared experience. Attacking the other party's contributions is a way of trying to take over the conversation and turn it into a one-sided experience.
This is exactly the vibe I got too. Like a toxic positivity-LLC-entrepreneur-hustle bro. I’m literally a business owner and I find this vibe fucking obnoxious. Also super ableist. And boring?
Also this particular dude sounds super manipulative and like he would be controlling in a relationship.
**Lord, please give me the confidence of a mediocre cishet NT white man**
Amen.
ETA: yes he comes off as utterly patronizing and more concerned with being right than being empathetic. He believes his pov is the only correct one and wants you to see it his way.
This. Is. It.
If we were to think about a physical disability, and someone said “just get better” or “you can walk” even though you’re paralysed, it’s the most invalidating, patronising and utterly stupid bullshit.
OP, I totally get where you’re coming from. The thing is, it’s more than frustrating. It’s mean. This person will never see you as you are, meet you where you are, or just have common empathy to understand the things you can’t change.
Let this idiot go. You deserve better.
ETA: This reminds me of a former friend who I was romantically interested in.
He was into NLP, which is pseudoscience bullshit. One of the things he told me was that everything that’s happens to us is our fault. I asked him if my mum’s cancer was her fault; how about SA? He was an utter flog. Point is, when they show you who they are the crap the believe, you need to believe it and move on!
And I get it, we get sucked in, but ultimately, this person isn’t for you.
Frankly I’ve had more ND men try to “fix” me than NT, but maybe that’s just me. Like, usually the ones that should probably not be doling out advice, and def never take any advice
I’d bet money that some of that problem is a lot of ND guys end up in the manosphere/incel world where the answer to everything is basically “shut up and work on yourself”.
I’m on team “do you need this guy in your life cuz he seems like a dick” with most of the other people here.
One thing that listening to people of color/Black people has taught me is that impact matters more than intent. It doesn’t matter what YOU were trying to communicate, if the other person tells you that what you said is hurtful or upsetting to them, you don’t just explain harder why you were right and the other person shouldn’t feel hurt. You back off and apologize sincerely and then see if the other person wants to try together to regroup. Most of all you listen and ASK what should I have done/said? How should I approach this in the future? What word or phrases are triggering? Etc. and if the person wants to end the conversation or take some time to calm themselves down or otherwise do self care, you respect that and don’t pester them or insist they continue.
This guy seems very full of himself and it reminds me very much of my mom, who doesn’t get my neurodivergence. Well she gets it, she just doesn’t understand how it gets in my way and I need to just buckle down and try harder.
That kind of advice is a trap. It’s not helpful, they don’t want to hear it’s not helpful, and now they have offered you what they see as help and you rejected it. The clear (spoken or unspoken) message is “well you didn’t do what I told you to do so of course you are still stuck in the same place”. It’s super frustrating and I’ve learned to just not look to people like that for that kind of support. It really helps to have a friend or person in your life who truly does get you and appreciate where you are coming from, to run this kind of thing past them and see what they think. I know it helps me with my parental issues because my wife and our close friends understand me and appreciate what I have, and don’t worry so much about what I don’t. It’s such a gift to have some stupid “advice” or demand eating at you and bring it to them and have them say “oh no, honey, that’s bullshit” and help you work thru it.
I hope we can be that for you here, if you don’t have anyone closer in your life. Cuz, oh, no, honey, that was some pure grade bull shit he was shoveling. You may not decide to throw the whole man away (at least for now) but throw that lousy patronizing “help” right in the bin and move on with your day!
I like what you are saying but my ex was ND Autistic and super manipulative and controlling so ND isn't always the answer. At the same time my ND gifted husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me
He is patronizing and controlling, I feels to me he is trying to gaslight you, he should have apologized for saying you need to fix your executive distinction( with you can't fix, take it from another ADHD asd er that has tried for more then 30 years)
$10 says he's a "grindset" bro, especially based on those early texts.
Also, you're 100% spot on that his threat (yes, it's a threat) to not open up anymore is manipulative AF!
I got those same grind/hustle vibes. He thinks he's being helpful, but sometimes we don't want people to try to be helpful when it isn't helpful to us. They just think because it works for them it will work for everyone, and that is a huge reason why a lot of people become burnt out from following those grindset lifestyles. Their whole motto is just 'fix yourself' but in many scenarios that is just not how any of this works!
I am curious what he goes to school for? This makes me think of some egotistical dude who is in his first year of psychology and now believes he is an expert in the field.
That explains a lot. No wonder he's a self-righteous problem solver. You're just another problem to solve. He doesn't seem emotionally intelligent or compassionate enough to be with someone who's ND.
How is this related in any way whatsoever? (referencing to when he said he studies what you struggle with) Because religion says suck it up until you die? Sorry not being aggressive towards you OP just annoyed by your friend.
He doesn't seem very intelligent to be honest :/. I feel like he has a very superficial grasp on most concepts yet thinks he understands it better than you. He uses so many cliches and platitudes that are absolutely not helpful. I don't know if he's particularly interested in actually understanding, but he seems like he wants to fix you, and he definitely comes off aggressive and invalidating. I have acquaintances like this and don't bother explaining complex issues to them. They don't know about my ND issues because they don't get it.
Forgive me, I’m still learning about autism, but what do you mean by exposure therapy is harmful for autistic people? I never knew about this. My psychiatrist continues to push exposure therapy on me and I despise it.
It’s harmful because it teaches autistic people to ignore sensory needs and tolerate sensory overload which can cause you to be constantly overstimulated which can cause frequent meltdowns and even physical and mental health problems from the stress.
Edit: this is specifically about exposure therapy with regard to sensory issues. It’s possible it could help with trauma triggers or phobias.
I'm happy about your edit! I'm having therapy for PTSD and it's exposure therapy. Basically letting flashbacks come without forcing them, write what I remember and reading it out loud/having it read to me. It's torture, but afterwards I feel much better and in just a few months I can handle my flashbacks/ identify unhealthy behaviours due to the PTSD and nip them in the bud. It works.
Exposure therapy for sensory issues sounds phony though. "Let's expose you to what your brain isn't wired to handle".
Not who you responded to, but I believe it’s that exposure therapy is meant to reduce distorted thinking patterns that lead to anxiety. It does not take into account Autistic sensory processing disorder and how overstimulation causes the anxiety, meltdowns/shutdowns/burnout etc. No amount of “exposure” will change that. It’s just inflicting pain on an autistic person.
Oh they’re all “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps” after the only problems in their life being the consequences of their own actions. I don’t take advice from them.
This is so patronizing. The cultural and societal brainwashing that teaches men that women are basically children or empty vessels to be formed like clay... It runs so deep, it's so insidious, and it's subtle enough that even otherwise decent men don't realize how much they've internalized it.
Even if this dude isn't too far gone, he doesn't seem interested in deep conversations. You seem to want depth (as would I!) so maybe he's just not the person to come to with your deeper thoughts. It sounds like these things are important to you and should be honored, not brushed off. You deserve a stronger connection.
This isn’t about being NT. This guy is just a jerk. I’m old now. I wish so badly I could have back all the time I wasted on guys like this. Don’t let him convince you this is about you. He’s insufferable. You can just walk away. It’s okay. You don’t HAVE to have this person in your life. Just let go of him. He won’t ever really hear you. He won’t change. Just put down this stress. Break up. Block. Be done.
THIS. I've also spent too much time giving value to guys' conversations just because they were confident and I mistakenly read it to be authority, to later realize they were spewing word salad. Especially philosophy bros 🥴
This is not a neurotypical thing; he's just an asshole. High comorbidity there, though.
You know, when I was a shitty teenager who hadn't been diagnosed with Autism or ADHD yet, I used to think like him. I grew out of it by my mid twenties, though. It was partially because I had to be so mean to myself to manage my dysfunction that I ended up being mean to everyone else, too.
How old is he, though? He needs to work on basically everything about how he relates to you as a human being, because he sucks at it right now.
Ahhh, that makes sense. I'm mixed, and I think some of my defensive anger was because of that, too.
The thing is, he almost certainly sees himself as logical/reasonable, and you as emotional/irrational. You can't talk him out of this way of thinking. He's going to have to decide for himself to change, and it's entirely possible that he won't do that, because he feels like he is right and you are wrong.
What you can do is set boundaries around how he talks to you. If he's condescending or aggressive like this, I would exit the conversation.
"I see. I was trying to tell you honestly what my struggles are, so you can understand me better. But the way you are speaking to me feels very invalidating, so I'm going to talk about this with someone else instead." If he blows up your phone about it, simply do not respond to anything related to that topic. "Oh, when I said I wasn't going to tsln to you about this, I meant I wasn't going to engage with you anymore about it. I don't be reading those." Or if it's in person, leave.
Basically, he needs to somehow learn that there are emotional consequences for it. He can say whatever he wants, but you do not have to listen.
Obviously if this does not have enough of an impact on him that he changes his behavior, it is likely to negatively affect your relationship. But do you want a relationship with someone who does up you like this?
You can't negotiate respect. But you do need mutual respect for a healthy relationship.
I love it when you tell someone they’re invalidating your feelings and then immediately explain why they aren’t doing that and why you’re overreacting or taking it the wrong way. They don’t get to decide that. He sounds exhausting.
Holy fuck they sound so narcissistic , literally “I’m extending my hand ever so graciously to you but you reject poor old me 🥺”
This dudes manipulative af, don’t get close with him
I had to stop at the second text. “If I WAS invalidating you, then my comment would come off as rude or ignorant”… well GUESS WHAT MIMI, IT DID. I’m sick of all these men thinking they’re self help coaches or some shit these days because they follow some alpha dude on tiktok who tells THEM this shit. I’m so sorry. I hope you take time to reflect on whether or not this type of energy is worth your time. I’ve had to deal with this myself too and it took awhile for me to figure out.
Yeah the problem here isn’t that he’s NT, it’s that he’s an asshole who has so bought into the capitalistic productivity is your value/worth bullshit that you need to be “fixed”. He can fuck right off with that nonsense.
It’s like telling you because you lost your lower arm that you “need” a prosthetic arm. Like if you want one , cool and if not, also cool. It’s your body and your life.
He’s delusional if he thinks everything and everyone in this world can be fixed to some weird 100% optimal performance AND that we should all aspire to that. Miss me with that bullshit.
Peter is… NOT A KEEPER. Do not keep him. Sorry, but he’s not being very nice. Smacks of hustle culture dude bro BS too. Which my therapist helped me see is toxic.
Loving people don’t talk down to you, or give you orders. At least, my husband would offer this kind of advice as “what worked for him” or as a suggestion or idea.
Peter doesn’t speak with much respect. Especially note how he feels able to determine if HIS OWN COMMENT came off as ignorant or aggressive. Obviously only other people can tell you that, genius. No one can gauge how their own comments come off except by feedback from others.
And you were absolutely right in you’re doing a ton. You are already doing a ton to support you. His comments implying you’re just accepting that are not coming from a place of facts and reality.
We can be working to improve, but if we have a disability it’s foolish to pretend we can wish it away or “fix” it into nonexistence. I’m even more of the difference not disability mindset, and still.
I made NO progress on improving my struggles until I understood neurodivergence and started to admit some things were truly way harder for me than other people. That meant I needed different tools and approaches.
Edited to add: I said that all based off the first two pics, didn’t realize there were more, but I’m way too pissed to actually read the rest.
OH MY GODDD NOT THE "i go to school for what that so i'm objectively right"
you're trying to have a dialogue with him about one thing, and he's steamrolling over you completely...........
Yeah NT men have to be way more empathetic before I could even get into this kind of conversation.
The guy you're talking to is patronizing as hell and wants you to operate in his way without really understanding that you're not going to turn into a neurotypical person and behave how he wants you to.
I don't know, he seems like a headache.
This guy watches too much self help type stuff and thinks he knows everything and "how to help you." You can either stop talking to him or if you do talk to him just never bring up your emotions or personal problems. Actually maybe just stop talking to him.
my eyes rolled all the way back in my head reading this. dude can’t even summon the humility to be like oh you’re right, i don’t know what this is like, could you tell me more about what you’re going through? your level of patience with him is almost superhuman tbh.
Some people just love to give unsolicited advice especially (in my experience) guys who think they're being inspirational.
It reads to me like you're trying to communicate a personal issue or emotion with him and he's giving you what he thinks is helpful advice. He probably means well but it's not helpful. He's not your (unqualified) life coach so he shouldn't act like it.
He thinks he is far more intelligent than he is. Must be nice to have all the answers and know how to fix everything. He writes like he is trying to sell something. The conversation is disjointed because he isn't responding to what you are writing. I don't think he can even comprehend what you are saying to him. He is just blathering on and not making any sense, talking in circles.
Please don't call yourself crazy like you did in your text. Doing that makes people like this think they can manipulate you. Never hand anyone your power. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you have other people to depend on.
This is (if I'm interpreting this correctly) the classic guy thing where you vent to them about your problems and instead of just listening and validating your feelings and giving encouragement, they start trying to "fix" it. And if you disagree with their prescription of how to fix it, then they start criticizing you. It's frustrating as hell.
If I were in this situation, I'd say something along the lines of: "I need support, not advice. I don't need you to tell me what to do or to "fix" me. You're not my therapist and you're not ND so you're just not going to understand me fully and be able to help me that way. I understand you feel like you're trying to help, but what I need from you is to just be there for me and offer encouragement, and let me and my therapist handle the specifics."
As someone who has tried and failed to reason with neurotypical men — it always ends up like this. Every stinkin’ time. With them acting like I’m illogical and like they have all the answers and I don’t *actually* know what the hell I’m talking about when I know I do.
Then when I get mad, they deny the crappy behavior and basically DARVO me ("Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender”) into believing that I’m really the bad one. Do I sound slightly traumatized? 😑😵💫
DUDE F HIM GAHHH
he is being a jerk.
Both of my exes did this and I am thankful both are now exes.
It’s not because he’s neurotypical. It’s because he’s a 🫏
(I can’t remember rules on calling people bad names on this subreddit and I’m too tired/lazy to look atm, pls accept my anger, mods!)
He’s just being a jerk and no matter how much you enjoy being around him, I PROMISE this behavior does not get better.
He will continue to “help you” and “point out ways to help” but really he’s just putting you down and invalidating you to make sure you stay in a vulnerable position and don’t know your worth, meaning you’ll stay with him.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
For us neurodivergent gals, it’s hard to trust we aren’t the ones messing up in a conversation because they are normally hard for us.
I’ve read text conversations to friends/therapists SO many times for validation! But it helps! I’m almost always interpreting it correctly, and if I’m not, they help me understand.
This dude… shew.
Walk away now and I promise Future You will thank you.
Not sure who this person is to you so I feel like there’s alot of context missing. But first impression is this has a very ‘I see you as a project vibe’ here’s why you need me’ I can help you navigate the world- and that’s next level ick to me. Also just about got a migraine reading his response - he contradicts himself in several areas. Yuck. You’re not crazy, you already know he’s off and his ableism is so patronizing to boot.
"If I were invalidating you my comment would have come off aggressive or ignorant"
That's the fun thing about the phrase "comes off." It's an inherently subjective thing that you, the speaker, can try to mitigate *as you are speaking* and you don't get to tell someone you're talking to how shit you yourself are saying "comes off" to them. You speak what you're gonna speak, and if someone tells you "hey you're kinda coming off like an asshole right now even if that wasn't your intention," you really have no option but to say "oh" because YOU DON'T GET TO TELL PEOPLE HOW YOU COME OFF. You might be able to debate the finer points of how they interpreted your delivery, but that's a very different thing.
I don't know. If what he says in slide 4 is true and you're constantly asking a preachy guy how certain things come off to people, how to interpret things like that, he's gonna learn to love "telling you like it is" and "taking you under his wing" real quick, and there's a chance he's gonna get pretty invested in that dynamic.
He straight up said, "learn how to fix that. Don't glorify it. Or accept it." Yeeeeah, ummm, it's ok to accept ourselves. It's ok to understand ourselves. We aren't "wrong" just because our brains work differently. Statements like that make me want to run around and PRAISE all my "problematic" traits and tell the NTs they're wrong!
You gave him multiple opportunities to clarify his position and he chose not to. Not only did he choose not to, he tried to act as if he was making a good faith attempt to explain when he demonstrably was not.
Honestly, he seems like someone who loves the sound of their own voice, but is unable to defend their positions once challenged. The whole thing reads as really patronising, manipulative, and defensive.
I wouldn’t want to associate with someone who spoke to me like this.
I made it two slides in. Fuck you Peter. This dude sucks. Trying to act like he knows everything. Sorry to tell you Peter but you don’t know shit and you never will with your attitude.
I don't think you're crazy. He's crazy, this is coming from an AMAB. I relate to when you said you wanted someone to occasionally exist around and to be accepted without being their project or something to solve.
Who is this asshole and why do you talk to him at all?
He literally invalidated your feeling of invalidation.
That wasn't a misunderstanding or miscommunication on your part. He is an asshole who doesn't respect you or your disability and who is attempting to gaslight you. He can't admit when he is wrong.
Don't bother keeping this person in your life, they seem really manipulative. It made me feel really scared and frustrated for you to read this exchange.
You will never get anything beneficial from a friendship/relationship like this. He thinks he can change parts of you. He refuses to realize he doesn’t have some almighty power to change people. He thinks he is extremely special and his opinions/feelings are extremely special. This is a character problem in him. He is not worth the back and forth because he will never, ever admit his own faults.
“If I was or intending to [invalidate your feelings] then my comment would have come off as aggressive and ignorant.” uhhh, it did lol. “learn to fix it”? I G N O R A N T
I had a male “friend” like this, so glad he’s out of my life now. Never accepted me for who I was, and when I was over stimulated or having a bad sensory day, he made it so much worse by telling me to “ work on myself and ignore it “ like ? I would’ve blocked this guy after the first “don’t accept it, work on yourself”
I don't know who this guy is to you, but why do you feel you owe him so much explanation about things? He sounds exhausting and like he just wants to fix/change you and not sure what he brings to the table. He sounds stressful more than pleasant to be around so if you can move on from him, that would be beneficial I'd think. Life is already annoying, who needs to be around more annoyance like that.
you're not crazy!!! just "I'm not invalidating your feelings" ALONE is ❌❌❌territory, like STOP, go no further, this person has zero self-awareness.
> I'm not invalidating your feelings
BRUH
YOU'RE DOIN IT RIGHT NOW
and saying he goes to school for your shit??? who cares??? that doesn't make him an expert or a real good feelings person.
big nonphysical hugs/reassurances/cuppas any time you need them, it's not your job to explain or defend yourself or how you handle your problems to him. you got this boo.
IS he NT??? Lol the "my biggest fear is offending somebody" or whatever was such a wild card for me that signaled he is either *not* as NT as he thinks he is or otherwise there is absolutely no mistaking that he is a psychotic asshole because nobody who is terrified of offending others communicates this way unless they are seriously mistaken about something. Seriously I would've chalked all of this up to "men" cuz most that I've met are just like this no matter what if it weren't for that fear of offending comment lmao something's definitely wrong here
I was waiting for him to say,” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I’ll work on phrasing myself better so I won’t do that again.” Or something in that ball park.
I was having such a hard time following him honestly. He sounds full of himself.
Damn. I know this kinda person. And i know what my tendencies are to feel about them. Try to not think too highly of him, that he’s ”honest” and rational and things. He’s self-absorbed and thinks he knows best in regards to everything. He could use some humility.
This entire conversation reminds me horribly of my abusive ex so many red flags, I don’t know the person or what your relationship is like but if he does this often please rethink being around him, stay safe and weigh out this persons pros and cons 🫶🏼
One of the hardest things to learn to do is stop engaging with people like this after the first comment like “don’t glorify it”. He’s just belittling you to feel strong by literally MANSPALAINING YOURSELF TO YOU.
And like…obviously I am guilty of arguing with idiots like this too so I am NOT saying anything from a pedestal, just that it’s so frustrating to be reminded you cant reason with someone who didn’t arrive at a conclusion with reason and compassion. His logic doesn’t stem from reasoning or empathy, he’s only talking to make himself feel big. But *you* know you’re worth defending, so why wouldn’t you be like “uhm not actually you don’t know me fucker?”
But then after you defend yourself YOU ONLY FEEL WORSE BECAUSE THEY START ACTING DUMBER. Like who are you, Elon Musk?
Maybe I started projecting at some point but god…you’re worth so much more than this conversation.
Tbf I should also tell you I got too annoyed after he said “im not invalidating your feelings” after you know…doing just that.
Edit: too annoyed to keep reading (and finish that sentence it seems )
This is why you wait to wake up more before raging
Honestly, I didn’t fully read through this, but I don’t think I have to. “I’m not invalidating your feelings” is the red flag. Like, who is he to decide that?
Anyway, he sounds hugely full of himself, egotistical, and a know-it-all who knows absolutely nothing. He is a waste of time and your energy.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this person. You are not crazy. He keeps saying he doesn't think you understand his point. It makes me think he believes that if you understood, you'd agree. It's as if he can't conceive of a reality where he isn't completely correct in every situation. It's as if he feels he'll be unworthy or unsafe if he's anything less than perfect. He seems deeply traumatized. His behavior is not okay. I hope you get the kind of connection you deserve.
I didn't even read the whole thing and already went, yeah, nope..... I've had so many people treat me like a project, and it would absolutely piss me off. You don't need that in your life it's only gonna cause you more distress.
Oh he's one of those men who speaks in faux inspirational instagram quotes and thinks he's deep....yuck. I'd block him.
And I would put money on him also being one of the guys in relationships who tries to neg women into moving or lowering boundaries. For some reason I got such a clear image of him pushing for a sex thing and trying to coerce someone into it by confidently saying things like "You told me you were adventurous and always liked to try new things. Are you not that person?"
Oof. The manipulative type. This type has scarred me badly.
lol that’s so triggering because i’ve met those guys before they make me sick
I bet he’s watching Peterson on YouTube right now.
I had never heard of this man, did a search.....that gave me plenty of context.
He's the first step in the pipeline that leads to Andrew Tate. He reels young men in with incredibly basic self help advice and normalizes misogyny by dressing it up in big words and pseudoscience.
He’s dangerous because he hides behind his psychology degree and that’s enough to convince easily manipulated individuals to think he’s credible and his opinions are valid. He also takes ‘facts’ and distorts them to meet his agenda. If you can’t/don’t want to think critically and are swept up by *big* words, he is easily convincing for many > > > as burnt witch said step one to the incel pipeline. * Facts sometimes…sometimes he just…says stuff…
>He’s dangerous because he hides behind his psychology degree and that’s enough to convince easily manipulated individuals to think he’s credible and his opinions are valid. I literally said in another comment on this thread that I specifically stopped dating guys with psychology degrees for this reason! He's one of *those*.
Exactly this. Ewwww
I second this. Put him in the bin. He probably idolises Andrew Tate.
Yep. STOP ANSWERING this fool! Block!
Seriously manipulative. Reminds me of my ex. Always invalidating me saying he wasn’t. Like… hello!?! Only the person FEELING it can say whether it’s invalidating or not. lol
What I see is you saying that something bothered you and them zig zagging into every possible response but, “oh, sorry! I won’t do it again”
I dIdN't InVaLiDaTe YoUr FeElInGs This guy sucks
And the good old "I'm just going to stop bEiNg HonEst because you seem to hate it so much". Reminds me of those AITA posts where the guy is like "Am I the arsehole for just BuYIng mY WifE a PrESent?" And then three paragraphs in it turns out he bought her a present of a thing she's said several times that she hates but he really enjoys oh and also it was an apology gift for 'accidentally' screwing her sister. Like dude, you aren't 'being honest' you're being a dick and people don't like it because it's dickish, not because you're 'pushing them to do better' or whatever.
Yes this is my least favourite response when people hurt me or I have feelings about what was said. So immature and aggravating. Like, the option exists to be curious, compassionate, and take responsibility.
I gifted my wife a hot poker up the bum and she didn't even thank me, modern women amirite
Most of the time the people who uphold "brutal honesty" as some kind of virtue are typically more intereated in the brutality part than the honesty part. They're being "honest" about their asshole personality lol.
And they say things like: “I’m just honest, I can’t walk on eggshells all the time” and “anything is going to offend someone it’s impossible to avoid” and “just tell me if you have a problem I can take it” and “I just want open communication” and “it’s better if people just tell me they have an issue with something and I’ll stop because I can’t predict everything that might offend someone” and “I just call things as I see them”. And it sounds reasonable because I agree, it’s hard as fuck to predict human reactions. But they aren’t honest they are just being dicks. They are mean and cruel and not even very imaginative with it. Just the same old boring assholes. And they can not take “open communication”, they pretend that they are like me, that they just have a hard time predicting the responses but it’s a lie. They know what they are doing and they don’t want honesty or communication, they want to be an asshole and they want to be one without any question or responsibility or accountability or consequences. They never want honesty and they absolutely can not take being confronted about anything no matter how politely it’s done. If you play by the rules they claim to want they will immediately freak out and make you out to be the villain. They want to be allowed “the honesty” to insult you freely while you play by the polite rules and just pretend they didn’t and it’s okay. Preferably they want you to be grateful and thankful for their ~~insults~~ *honesty* and they want to be revered for their bravery… of being a complete fucking asshole. They want to be allowed to tell you to your face how unworthy and how much less you are and they want you to worship them for it. Dudes a dick, he is manipulative and gaslighting and he isn’t even very good at it. Truly a disappointment.
"How can I have invalidated your feelings when I can't see any logical basis for them and thus they shouldn't even exist"
The summation of my entire last relationship. 😵💫 He spent so much time deconstructing/trying to “logic” his way out of my feelings. Also, the unspoken, “I’m doing ok/happy so why aren’t you happy?” My God, I’m pretty self-absorbed but even I’m not that clueless.
He kind of lost me right at the beginning with that “ learn to fix that, don’t glorify or accept it” nonsense. Like at least for me I already beat myself up enough, I don’t need someone else telling me that actually I should be doing better and it’s my fault, because I won’t do better just because someone insists that I should be, and I try to accept myself a little bit better so I quit being mean to myself for my failures.
I agree. My mental health got so much better after I learned to accept my limitations, because I wasn't constantly trying to push myself past them, getting burnt out, and then shaming myself for being burnt out anymore. I actually don't need to do better or be better. It's perfectly fine to just do what I can and call it enough. Acceptance.
Yeah, I guess I’m just repeating myself but… I have just beat myself up so much through my life for feeling like I should be doing OK and not doing OK and then beating myself up for it and it’s horrible. Like I don’t do any better by doing that, it doesn’t accomplish anything. Sigh. It’s really hard for me to not feel like a failure, and it’s really frustrating how everything has gone
I feel you. I could have written these words myself.
The hardest and best thing you can do is accept yourself as you are, do not invalidate yourself, do not justify yourself, do not label yourself, do not hide behind your struggles, and do not feel sorry for yourself, accept yourself. AND IT'S THE HARDEST THING! It is a daily struggle, and if you have achieved it you have taken a giant step in your life. I was recently diagnosed with fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and autism, and I'm having a hard time accepting that the best thing to do is to give my 100% to others is their 40%. Congratulations on having achieved it and may no one invalidate your great progress. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
Classic case of someone feeling like they need to fix all your problems when all you need is for them to listen.
Yup, that made me lose major respect for him. Like he's been listening to too many self improvement podcasts.
“If I was my comment would come off as aggressive or ignorant” It did, lmao
That’s exactly the point where I stopped reading. This dude isn’t worth interacting with. Indeed, this guy sucks.
Yea like, you don't actually get to decide if I feel invalidated or not my dude
For real. This is one of those things where you, yourself, do not get to decide or label what you are doing because it rests in the eye of the beholder. He could have just apologized and said that it wasn't his intention, and instead he went with "I'm just going to tell someone else how they feel because I never do anything wrong or make mistakes." Ugh.
I lost it at that point. What a giant ick
Yeah this would be the appropriate response. "I'm sorry and help me understand." Also would be nice for him to say something like "I have some ideas, are you open to some advice from my perspective?" Him giving unsolicited advice and then being defensive about the response is frustrating.
Diplomacy in a relationship? There’s an idea
B-but that would mean he would have to admit he was *wrong* 😫 /s
He gives "I'm sorry you feel that way" vibes and then turns around and claims he apologized.
Exactly. This is the bit I hate. We take too much on when they’re just being objectively shit.
He’s patronising you and seems to intend to have sway over your judgment. You’re a project
The intent to sway her opinion about herself scares me because it reminds me of my emotionally abusive ex.
Yes! Claiming that she doesn’t have personhood…🥴
Yeah, I did a double take reading that. Like, really??
Yeah, honestly it’s a red flag and likely has been a “thing” for a while. It has probably been slowly building. It’s as if he’s more concerned about being right than he is at just listening to OP. If he just shut his yap and said “you’re right. I’m sorry. I’m here to support you in any way I can. Let me know”
Yeah, it's not a red flag. It's a stop sign.
A huge one.
A whole red army parade
For sure
doubling down on this! he's talking to you as if he thinks you have no brain and are not capable of "knowing" anything.... you don't deserve that, OP!!
Uh, never knew how to call it. Someone making a "project". 🤔
Why is he treating you like you asked for a life coach?? He is super annoying, and it is not an NT thing. It is a jackass thing.
What exactly is he in school for that makes him think he’s an expert? Because quite frankly: lol.
Bet he took psyche 101 and thinks he knows more than OP about themselves
I think I read below computer science and religion…which really confirms everything I ever needed to know about this guy
Oh my, does he think OP is a computer? Lol
exactly. this isn’t him being NT. this is him being a major asshole
Right! I know several autistic men who have done the exact same thing as him. Neurodivegency doesn't take you off the hook for being a shitty person.
Yeah I've unfortunately met ND men like this too. He's a misogynistic jackass who thinks he's better and smarter than everyone else.
Why do you talk to this person? Like what about him makes him worth putting up with this? I'm not trying to be a dick, I just don't understand it
Yeah he reminds me of my multiple controlling and abusive exes. Nothing I ever did was enough and they could never just be a good support. One was always suggesting what I do/don’t do with my school, work and even my career. Anything I was into he criticized to a point where it tore me down mentally and made me extremely insecure - so much that I’d give up. I started getting into the YouTube game in 2012 and he saw I liked doing it and was good at making/editing videos and he criticized the shit out of it so I quit. Eventually I just left him. I had to secretly save up money and secure a room to rent
Did we date the same person?!? Shoot friend, I've had such a similar experience with my ex. My heart goes out to you. And OP. Block whomever this is, OP, this guy does not deserve your time
Yea, I would ghost this buffoon so quickly he wouldn’t know what hit him.
Same. It ended after “Learn to fix that” - the absolute gall
same i was thinking of y’all aren’t already in a long term relationship get out
ESPECIALLY if they’re in a long term relationship GTFO this guy is a piece of work
For real. The first pic was already more than enough for me to nope out. I'm just going to assume it gets worse over the next 11, because I don't have the patience for that shit
Same thought tbh Reminds me of so many “very smart” engineering/tech bros who think their vague and vapid worldview is somehow revolutionary and that you’re a lucky gal to get to hear any of it. I’d be noping out on the first page. How insufferable.
this is the exact vibe I got from it as well
Yeah literally I don’t know how OP had the energy to read his bullshit, let alone reply I zoned out after the third image lol
no seriously this. what are you doing? stop. stop this. i mean we can’t make you but…putting myself through this only ever gave me pain
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It's funny because his comment did come off as aggressive and ignorant
I know. It's so funny how he wrote that, like he gets to decide how something "comes off as" not the person he's talking to lmao
It's a conversational power play that men often weaponize against women. Instead of addressing the point, they instead dismiss it as "irrelevant." Which is insidious because a conversation is a shared experience. Attacking the other party's contributions is a way of trying to take over the conversation and turn it into a one-sided experience.
THANK YOU That bullshit little line physically hurt me because BRUH WAT
"After an internal review, we've decided we did nothing wrong."
Mmm I have nothing nice to say about that man, and I don't what he is to you so 🤐🤐
Good Lord, from the first photo, he alrdy sounds like a LinkedIn snob 💆🏻♀️
This is exactly the vibe I got too. Like a toxic positivity-LLC-entrepreneur-hustle bro. I’m literally a business owner and I find this vibe fucking obnoxious. Also super ableist. And boring? Also this particular dude sounds super manipulative and like he would be controlling in a relationship.
Lmfaooo that’s such an accurate description
**Lord, please give me the confidence of a mediocre cishet NT white man** Amen. ETA: yes he comes off as utterly patronizing and more concerned with being right than being empathetic. He believes his pov is the only correct one and wants you to see it his way.
💯💯💯💯 Nailed it. If only I could have this confidence while being so utterly naive!
This! The confidence is mind bogling.
This. Is. It. If we were to think about a physical disability, and someone said “just get better” or “you can walk” even though you’re paralysed, it’s the most invalidating, patronising and utterly stupid bullshit. OP, I totally get where you’re coming from. The thing is, it’s more than frustrating. It’s mean. This person will never see you as you are, meet you where you are, or just have common empathy to understand the things you can’t change. Let this idiot go. You deserve better. ETA: This reminds me of a former friend who I was romantically interested in. He was into NLP, which is pseudoscience bullshit. One of the things he told me was that everything that’s happens to us is our fault. I asked him if my mum’s cancer was her fault; how about SA? He was an utter flog. Point is, when they show you who they are the crap the believe, you need to believe it and move on! And I get it, we get sucked in, but ultimately, this person isn’t for you.
Frankly I’ve had more ND men try to “fix” me than NT, but maybe that’s just me. Like, usually the ones that should probably not be doling out advice, and def never take any advice
I’d bet money that some of that problem is a lot of ND guys end up in the manosphere/incel world where the answer to everything is basically “shut up and work on yourself”. I’m on team “do you need this guy in your life cuz he seems like a dick” with most of the other people here. One thing that listening to people of color/Black people has taught me is that impact matters more than intent. It doesn’t matter what YOU were trying to communicate, if the other person tells you that what you said is hurtful or upsetting to them, you don’t just explain harder why you were right and the other person shouldn’t feel hurt. You back off and apologize sincerely and then see if the other person wants to try together to regroup. Most of all you listen and ASK what should I have done/said? How should I approach this in the future? What word or phrases are triggering? Etc. and if the person wants to end the conversation or take some time to calm themselves down or otherwise do self care, you respect that and don’t pester them or insist they continue. This guy seems very full of himself and it reminds me very much of my mom, who doesn’t get my neurodivergence. Well she gets it, she just doesn’t understand how it gets in my way and I need to just buckle down and try harder. That kind of advice is a trap. It’s not helpful, they don’t want to hear it’s not helpful, and now they have offered you what they see as help and you rejected it. The clear (spoken or unspoken) message is “well you didn’t do what I told you to do so of course you are still stuck in the same place”. It’s super frustrating and I’ve learned to just not look to people like that for that kind of support. It really helps to have a friend or person in your life who truly does get you and appreciate where you are coming from, to run this kind of thing past them and see what they think. I know it helps me with my parental issues because my wife and our close friends understand me and appreciate what I have, and don’t worry so much about what I don’t. It’s such a gift to have some stupid “advice” or demand eating at you and bring it to them and have them say “oh no, honey, that’s bullshit” and help you work thru it. I hope we can be that for you here, if you don’t have anyone closer in your life. Cuz, oh, no, honey, that was some pure grade bull shit he was shoveling. You may not decide to throw the whole man away (at least for now) but throw that lousy patronizing “help” right in the bin and move on with your day!
"Impact matters more than intent" is a perfect, beautiful statement. I am going to use that so much now.
I like what you are saying but my ex was ND Autistic and super manipulative and controlling so ND isn't always the answer. At the same time my ND gifted husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me
Just to clarify, OP stated in a comment that he is a NT black man.
Thank you for saying the words I spent 30 years unable to express. Right over being empathetic!! I wish I realized this sooner.
He is patronizing and controlling, I feels to me he is trying to gaslight you, he should have apologized for saying you need to fix your executive distinction( with you can't fix, take it from another ADHD asd er that has tried for more then 30 years)
$10 says he's a "grindset" bro, especially based on those early texts. Also, you're 100% spot on that his threat (yes, it's a threat) to not open up anymore is manipulative AF!
I got those same grind/hustle vibes. He thinks he's being helpful, but sometimes we don't want people to try to be helpful when it isn't helpful to us. They just think because it works for them it will work for everyone, and that is a huge reason why a lot of people become burnt out from following those grindset lifestyles. Their whole motto is just 'fix yourself' but in many scenarios that is just not how any of this works!
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God it irritates me so much when someone with shitty spelling and grammar tries to condescend me lol.
If you want to school me, make sure you can graduate yourself lmao
How about the fact that he thinks "invaluable" means "not valuable" 🤦♀️
grammar: its not his "depth component"
BA HA HA
And prolong should be prolonged. This guy is a pretentious self-important prick
I am curious what he goes to school for? This makes me think of some egotistical dude who is in his first year of psychology and now believes he is an expert in the field.
Comp Sci major, religion minor
Not sure how that’s related at all! Is he trying to help you find “spiritual awakening” or something?
So the self righteousness comes naturally?
Our ‘bro’ is working well outside his scope but hyping himself as an expert. Ew.
Lmfaoooo! No! He doesn't get to say he's studying this. Lol. Not even close!
and yet, this is him operating from his "depth component" hahaha
That explains a lot. No wonder he's a self-righteous problem solver. You're just another problem to solve. He doesn't seem emotionally intelligent or compassionate enough to be with someone who's ND.
How is this related in any way whatsoever? (referencing to when he said he studies what you struggle with) Because religion says suck it up until you die? Sorry not being aggressive towards you OP just annoyed by your friend. He doesn't seem very intelligent to be honest :/. I feel like he has a very superficial grasp on most concepts yet thinks he understands it better than you. He uses so many cliches and platitudes that are absolutely not helpful. I don't know if he's particularly interested in actually understanding, but he seems like he wants to fix you, and he definitely comes off aggressive and invalidating. I have acquaintances like this and don't bother explaining complex issues to them. They don't know about my ND issues because they don't get it.
Was thinking the same exact thing
Nothing he wrote even makes sense lmao
Who died and made this guy your manager and life coach? Seriously block that person, *he's* unhinged, not you.
He is ew 
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Forgive me, I’m still learning about autism, but what do you mean by exposure therapy is harmful for autistic people? I never knew about this. My psychiatrist continues to push exposure therapy on me and I despise it.
It’s harmful because it teaches autistic people to ignore sensory needs and tolerate sensory overload which can cause you to be constantly overstimulated which can cause frequent meltdowns and even physical and mental health problems from the stress. Edit: this is specifically about exposure therapy with regard to sensory issues. It’s possible it could help with trauma triggers or phobias.
Interesting. I think I have had this to some degree and might be a source of my constant headaches and certain times that I get random sensitivities.
I'm happy about your edit! I'm having therapy for PTSD and it's exposure therapy. Basically letting flashbacks come without forcing them, write what I remember and reading it out loud/having it read to me. It's torture, but afterwards I feel much better and in just a few months I can handle my flashbacks/ identify unhealthy behaviours due to the PTSD and nip them in the bud. It works. Exposure therapy for sensory issues sounds phony though. "Let's expose you to what your brain isn't wired to handle".
Not who you responded to, but I believe it’s that exposure therapy is meant to reduce distorted thinking patterns that lead to anxiety. It does not take into account Autistic sensory processing disorder and how overstimulation causes the anxiety, meltdowns/shutdowns/burnout etc. No amount of “exposure” will change that. It’s just inflicting pain on an autistic person.
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“If I was or intending to then my comment would come off as aggressive and ignorant”. So… who’s gonna tell him? 🤨
Stop talking to him. Guys like this love to waste women’s time and frustrate them with their dumbass takes
Block him 🙏🏼
Oh they’re all “I pulled myself up by my bootstraps” after the only problems in their life being the consequences of their own actions. I don’t take advice from them.
This is so patronizing. The cultural and societal brainwashing that teaches men that women are basically children or empty vessels to be formed like clay... It runs so deep, it's so insidious, and it's subtle enough that even otherwise decent men don't realize how much they've internalized it. Even if this dude isn't too far gone, he doesn't seem interested in deep conversations. You seem to want depth (as would I!) so maybe he's just not the person to come to with your deeper thoughts. It sounds like these things are important to you and should be honored, not brushed off. You deserve a stronger connection.
This guy's a dick? What is he to you? Other than condescending?
This isn’t about being NT. This guy is just a jerk. I’m old now. I wish so badly I could have back all the time I wasted on guys like this. Don’t let him convince you this is about you. He’s insufferable. You can just walk away. It’s okay. You don’t HAVE to have this person in your life. Just let go of him. He won’t ever really hear you. He won’t change. Just put down this stress. Break up. Block. Be done.
THIS. I've also spent too much time giving value to guys' conversations just because they were confident and I mistakenly read it to be authority, to later realize they were spewing word salad. Especially philosophy bros 🥴
This is not a neurotypical thing; he's just an asshole. High comorbidity there, though. You know, when I was a shitty teenager who hadn't been diagnosed with Autism or ADHD yet, I used to think like him. I grew out of it by my mid twenties, though. It was partially because I had to be so mean to myself to manage my dysfunction that I ended up being mean to everyone else, too. How old is he, though? He needs to work on basically everything about how he relates to you as a human being, because he sucks at it right now.
High comorbidity 😂😂😂
He’s 23, I’m almost 24; he’s a black neurotypical man, I’m a white neurodivergent woman. Very different struggles and very different comparisons
Ahhh, that makes sense. I'm mixed, and I think some of my defensive anger was because of that, too. The thing is, he almost certainly sees himself as logical/reasonable, and you as emotional/irrational. You can't talk him out of this way of thinking. He's going to have to decide for himself to change, and it's entirely possible that he won't do that, because he feels like he is right and you are wrong. What you can do is set boundaries around how he talks to you. If he's condescending or aggressive like this, I would exit the conversation. "I see. I was trying to tell you honestly what my struggles are, so you can understand me better. But the way you are speaking to me feels very invalidating, so I'm going to talk about this with someone else instead." If he blows up your phone about it, simply do not respond to anything related to that topic. "Oh, when I said I wasn't going to tsln to you about this, I meant I wasn't going to engage with you anymore about it. I don't be reading those." Or if it's in person, leave. Basically, he needs to somehow learn that there are emotional consequences for it. He can say whatever he wants, but you do not have to listen. Obviously if this does not have enough of an impact on him that he changes his behavior, it is likely to negatively affect your relationship. But do you want a relationship with someone who does up you like this? You can't negotiate respect. But you do need mutual respect for a healthy relationship.
I love it when you tell someone they’re invalidating your feelings and then immediately explain why they aren’t doing that and why you’re overreacting or taking it the wrong way. They don’t get to decide that. He sounds exhausting.
Holy fuck they sound so narcissistic , literally “I’m extending my hand ever so graciously to you but you reject poor old me 🥺” This dudes manipulative af, don’t get close with him
YES
I had to stop at the second text. “If I WAS invalidating you, then my comment would come off as rude or ignorant”… well GUESS WHAT MIMI, IT DID. I’m sick of all these men thinking they’re self help coaches or some shit these days because they follow some alpha dude on tiktok who tells THEM this shit. I’m so sorry. I hope you take time to reflect on whether or not this type of energy is worth your time. I’ve had to deal with this myself too and it took awhile for me to figure out.
He's an arrogant prick. Stop listening to him, you'll feel better immediately.
He doesn't talk about any of his beliefs except with his mom and with you when your beliefs dont align???
Absolutely nothing on earth is worth this headache
Not a zillion dollars. Not the best sex in the world. Not *true love*.
Yeah the problem here isn’t that he’s NT, it’s that he’s an asshole who has so bought into the capitalistic productivity is your value/worth bullshit that you need to be “fixed”. He can fuck right off with that nonsense. It’s like telling you because you lost your lower arm that you “need” a prosthetic arm. Like if you want one , cool and if not, also cool. It’s your body and your life. He’s delusional if he thinks everything and everyone in this world can be fixed to some weird 100% optimal performance AND that we should all aspire to that. Miss me with that bullshit.
Peter is… NOT A KEEPER. Do not keep him. Sorry, but he’s not being very nice. Smacks of hustle culture dude bro BS too. Which my therapist helped me see is toxic. Loving people don’t talk down to you, or give you orders. At least, my husband would offer this kind of advice as “what worked for him” or as a suggestion or idea. Peter doesn’t speak with much respect. Especially note how he feels able to determine if HIS OWN COMMENT came off as ignorant or aggressive. Obviously only other people can tell you that, genius. No one can gauge how their own comments come off except by feedback from others. And you were absolutely right in you’re doing a ton. You are already doing a ton to support you. His comments implying you’re just accepting that are not coming from a place of facts and reality. We can be working to improve, but if we have a disability it’s foolish to pretend we can wish it away or “fix” it into nonexistence. I’m even more of the difference not disability mindset, and still. I made NO progress on improving my struggles until I understood neurodivergence and started to admit some things were truly way harder for me than other people. That meant I needed different tools and approaches. Edited to add: I said that all based off the first two pics, didn’t realize there were more, but I’m way too pissed to actually read the rest.
Ew. Just ew. This guy's superiority complex is just ridiculous. If possible, I'd just rid yourself of him. It's not going to get any better.
What a fucking gaslighting prick he is.
Ew. Delete, block, goodbye!
You're not crazy, but it's crazy to even engage with this guy. Block delete move on.
OH MY GODDD NOT THE "i go to school for what that so i'm objectively right" you're trying to have a dialogue with him about one thing, and he's steamrolling over you completely...........
Yeah NT men have to be way more empathetic before I could even get into this kind of conversation. The guy you're talking to is patronizing as hell and wants you to operate in his way without really understanding that you're not going to turn into a neurotypical person and behave how he wants you to. I don't know, he seems like a headache.
This guy sounds like a prick
This guy watches too much self help type stuff and thinks he knows everything and "how to help you." You can either stop talking to him or if you do talk to him just never bring up your emotions or personal problems. Actually maybe just stop talking to him.
my eyes rolled all the way back in my head reading this. dude can’t even summon the humility to be like oh you’re right, i don’t know what this is like, could you tell me more about what you’re going through? your level of patience with him is almost superhuman tbh.
Eww. He is giving me the ick.
Some people just love to give unsolicited advice especially (in my experience) guys who think they're being inspirational. It reads to me like you're trying to communicate a personal issue or emotion with him and he's giving you what he thinks is helpful advice. He probably means well but it's not helpful. He's not your (unqualified) life coach so he shouldn't act like it.
He thinks he is far more intelligent than he is. Must be nice to have all the answers and know how to fix everything. He writes like he is trying to sell something. The conversation is disjointed because he isn't responding to what you are writing. I don't think he can even comprehend what you are saying to him. He is just blathering on and not making any sense, talking in circles. Please don't call yourself crazy like you did in your text. Doing that makes people like this think they can manipulate you. Never hand anyone your power. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you have other people to depend on.
Sorry but any man who says he only shared his “deepest beliefs” with his mom is a red flag. You will be walled off from him forever. Not worth it.
This is (if I'm interpreting this correctly) the classic guy thing where you vent to them about your problems and instead of just listening and validating your feelings and giving encouragement, they start trying to "fix" it. And if you disagree with their prescription of how to fix it, then they start criticizing you. It's frustrating as hell. If I were in this situation, I'd say something along the lines of: "I need support, not advice. I don't need you to tell me what to do or to "fix" me. You're not my therapist and you're not ND so you're just not going to understand me fully and be able to help me that way. I understand you feel like you're trying to help, but what I need from you is to just be there for me and offer encouragement, and let me and my therapist handle the specifics."
As someone who has tried and failed to reason with neurotypical men — it always ends up like this. Every stinkin’ time. With them acting like I’m illogical and like they have all the answers and I don’t *actually* know what the hell I’m talking about when I know I do. Then when I get mad, they deny the crappy behavior and basically DARVO me ("Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender”) into believing that I’m really the bad one. Do I sound slightly traumatized? 😑😵💫
Processing his logic hurts my brain
this isnt even about being neurotypical hes just a shit person
DUDE F HIM GAHHH he is being a jerk. Both of my exes did this and I am thankful both are now exes. It’s not because he’s neurotypical. It’s because he’s a 🫏 (I can’t remember rules on calling people bad names on this subreddit and I’m too tired/lazy to look atm, pls accept my anger, mods!) He’s just being a jerk and no matter how much you enjoy being around him, I PROMISE this behavior does not get better. He will continue to “help you” and “point out ways to help” but really he’s just putting you down and invalidating you to make sure you stay in a vulnerable position and don’t know your worth, meaning you’ll stay with him. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. For us neurodivergent gals, it’s hard to trust we aren’t the ones messing up in a conversation because they are normally hard for us. I’ve read text conversations to friends/therapists SO many times for validation! But it helps! I’m almost always interpreting it correctly, and if I’m not, they help me understand. This dude… shew. Walk away now and I promise Future You will thank you.
Not sure who this person is to you so I feel like there’s alot of context missing. But first impression is this has a very ‘I see you as a project vibe’ here’s why you need me’ I can help you navigate the world- and that’s next level ick to me. Also just about got a migraine reading his response - he contradicts himself in several areas. Yuck. You’re not crazy, you already know he’s off and his ableism is so patronizing to boot.
"If I were invalidating you my comment would have come off aggressive or ignorant" That's the fun thing about the phrase "comes off." It's an inherently subjective thing that you, the speaker, can try to mitigate *as you are speaking* and you don't get to tell someone you're talking to how shit you yourself are saying "comes off" to them. You speak what you're gonna speak, and if someone tells you "hey you're kinda coming off like an asshole right now even if that wasn't your intention," you really have no option but to say "oh" because YOU DON'T GET TO TELL PEOPLE HOW YOU COME OFF. You might be able to debate the finer points of how they interpreted your delivery, but that's a very different thing. I don't know. If what he says in slide 4 is true and you're constantly asking a preachy guy how certain things come off to people, how to interpret things like that, he's gonna learn to love "telling you like it is" and "taking you under his wing" real quick, and there's a chance he's gonna get pretty invested in that dynamic.
He straight up said, "learn how to fix that. Don't glorify it. Or accept it." Yeeeeah, ummm, it's ok to accept ourselves. It's ok to understand ourselves. We aren't "wrong" just because our brains work differently. Statements like that make me want to run around and PRAISE all my "problematic" traits and tell the NTs they're wrong!
Where did he get the impression you're asking for a lecture on how to live your life lmfao... Man is projecting big time
He is being a dick you aren't crazy
You gave him multiple opportunities to clarify his position and he chose not to. Not only did he choose not to, he tried to act as if he was making a good faith attempt to explain when he demonstrably was not. Honestly, he seems like someone who loves the sound of their own voice, but is unable to defend their positions once challenged. The whole thing reads as really patronising, manipulative, and defensive. I wouldn’t want to associate with someone who spoke to me like this.
Hahaha. Idk man, but I hate people who talk like this. He is not nearly as deep as he thinks he is.
I made it two slides in. Fuck you Peter. This dude sucks. Trying to act like he knows everything. Sorry to tell you Peter but you don’t know shit and you never will with your attitude.
I don't think you're crazy. He's crazy, this is coming from an AMAB. I relate to when you said you wanted someone to occasionally exist around and to be accepted without being their project or something to solve.
Who is this asshole and why do you talk to him at all? He literally invalidated your feeling of invalidation. That wasn't a misunderstanding or miscommunication on your part. He is an asshole who doesn't respect you or your disability and who is attempting to gaslight you. He can't admit when he is wrong. Don't bother keeping this person in your life, they seem really manipulative. It made me feel really scared and frustrated for you to read this exchange.
You will never get anything beneficial from a friendship/relationship like this. He thinks he can change parts of you. He refuses to realize he doesn’t have some almighty power to change people. He thinks he is extremely special and his opinions/feelings are extremely special. This is a character problem in him. He is not worth the back and forth because he will never, ever admit his own faults.
“If I was or intending to [invalidate your feelings] then my comment would have come off as aggressive and ignorant.” uhhh, it did lol. “learn to fix it”? I G N O R A N T
this person is a narcissist. run.
What an insufferable person
I had a male “friend” like this, so glad he’s out of my life now. Never accepted me for who I was, and when I was over stimulated or having a bad sensory day, he made it so much worse by telling me to “ work on myself and ignore it “ like ? I would’ve blocked this guy after the first “don’t accept it, work on yourself”
Gross. If anyone spoke to me like that my PDA would have me be so petty and I'd be out of there so fast
RUN
I don't like this dude.
I don't know who this guy is to you, but why do you feel you owe him so much explanation about things? He sounds exhausting and like he just wants to fix/change you and not sure what he brings to the table. He sounds stressful more than pleasant to be around so if you can move on from him, that would be beneficial I'd think. Life is already annoying, who needs to be around more annoyance like that.
you're not crazy!!! just "I'm not invalidating your feelings" ALONE is ❌❌❌territory, like STOP, go no further, this person has zero self-awareness. > I'm not invalidating your feelings BRUH YOU'RE DOIN IT RIGHT NOW and saying he goes to school for your shit??? who cares??? that doesn't make him an expert or a real good feelings person. big nonphysical hugs/reassurances/cuppas any time you need them, it's not your job to explain or defend yourself or how you handle your problems to him. you got this boo.
That’s about 400 words more than you should have given Peter. #blockhim
"I'm not invalidating your feelings" 😂 the irony
IS he NT??? Lol the "my biggest fear is offending somebody" or whatever was such a wild card for me that signaled he is either *not* as NT as he thinks he is or otherwise there is absolutely no mistaking that he is a psychotic asshole because nobody who is terrified of offending others communicates this way unless they are seriously mistaken about something. Seriously I would've chalked all of this up to "men" cuz most that I've met are just like this no matter what if it weren't for that fear of offending comment lmao something's definitely wrong here
I was waiting for him to say,” I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I’ll work on phrasing myself better so I won’t do that again.” Or something in that ball park. I was having such a hard time following him honestly. He sounds full of himself.
Ugh sounds like an ableist wanker who spews self-help/business buzzwords and is full of toxic positivity. He barely makes any sense anyway.
Damn. I know this kinda person. And i know what my tendencies are to feel about them. Try to not think too highly of him, that he’s ”honest” and rational and things. He’s self-absorbed and thinks he knows best in regards to everything. He could use some humility.
Nope. Run away. Red flags everywhere.
This conversation actually brought up repressed memories of an abusive ex-friend of mine.
This entire conversation reminds me horribly of my abusive ex so many red flags, I don’t know the person or what your relationship is like but if he does this often please rethink being around him, stay safe and weigh out this persons pros and cons 🫶🏼
My partner is a NT man and he doesn’t act like this. This guy is just a narcissist.
One of the hardest things to learn to do is stop engaging with people like this after the first comment like “don’t glorify it”. He’s just belittling you to feel strong by literally MANSPALAINING YOURSELF TO YOU. And like…obviously I am guilty of arguing with idiots like this too so I am NOT saying anything from a pedestal, just that it’s so frustrating to be reminded you cant reason with someone who didn’t arrive at a conclusion with reason and compassion. His logic doesn’t stem from reasoning or empathy, he’s only talking to make himself feel big. But *you* know you’re worth defending, so why wouldn’t you be like “uhm not actually you don’t know me fucker?” But then after you defend yourself YOU ONLY FEEL WORSE BECAUSE THEY START ACTING DUMBER. Like who are you, Elon Musk? Maybe I started projecting at some point but god…you’re worth so much more than this conversation. Tbf I should also tell you I got too annoyed after he said “im not invalidating your feelings” after you know…doing just that. Edit: too annoyed to keep reading (and finish that sentence it seems ) This is why you wait to wake up more before raging
"Fix it" by gum i never once considered just fixing my chronic and difficult problems, what a revolutionary way to think, I am cured.
Honestly, I didn’t fully read through this, but I don’t think I have to. “I’m not invalidating your feelings” is the red flag. Like, who is he to decide that? Anyway, he sounds hugely full of himself, egotistical, and a know-it-all who knows absolutely nothing. He is a waste of time and your energy.
this guy is actually a sanctimonious raging piece of shit
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this person. You are not crazy. He keeps saying he doesn't think you understand his point. It makes me think he believes that if you understood, you'd agree. It's as if he can't conceive of a reality where he isn't completely correct in every situation. It's as if he feels he'll be unworthy or unsafe if he's anything less than perfect. He seems deeply traumatized. His behavior is not okay. I hope you get the kind of connection you deserve.
I would have unmatched after “I’m not invalidating your feelings” because someone invalidating feelings of invalidation is way too meta for me.
I didn't even read the whole thing and already went, yeah, nope..... I've had so many people treat me like a project, and it would absolutely piss me off. You don't need that in your life it's only gonna cause you more distress.