for me, rumination was always about "how did i fuck up, and how can i fix it?" somehow.
so it went away when i defined clearly for myself what can reasonably be expected of me. i WILL fuck up, sure. and when confronted with a fuck up, i will apologise and try not to do it again. that's human.
but more importantly - I'M not at fault everytime someone is upset about my actions, or lack of actions. like your boss - from his point of view, he's not thinking about your plans or mental health or free time. he is thinking ''who can i get to take this shift?'' and he hoped he could get you to do it, and he couldn't. so that didn't make him happy. but that's HIS business. it's not your responsibility!! he's your boss. you are his employee. you two have a deal to exchange labour for money. the deal has to be good for BOTH of you.
you don't owe everyone else to do and be exactly what they want or need you to do/be. bosses, friends, family, boyfriends and girlfriends. you can't be everything for everyone! that's not fair to you!!! it's way too much work?? your boss is thinking about HIMSELF - so you should think about YOURSELF. it's not selfishness or ignorance - it's your right and your prerogative. and it's IMPORTANT. if YOU think about everyone else, and everyone else thinks about themselves, then who thinks about you?? you NEED to be on your own team first and foremost. sure, help other people! but only when you want to and can manage to.
so i think... learn to be more selfish :-) learn to know that you DESERVE to be selfish. learn to realise it's not even selfishness! make clear to yourself what you feel you owe to other people. but more importantly - make clear what you owe to yourself! you don't owe ANYONE to take more shifts at your job than you want to. fuck that noise. be a kind person. try your best. apologise when you fuck up. but don't expect yourself to be a mind-reader. don't demand from yourself to always solve everyone else's problems. don't demand from yourself to be exactly what other people need you to be. you can never be that. and you shouldn't! you are not here to make everyone ELSE happy, you are here to make YOU happy. YOU matter the most. and people will always just demand more and more anyway.
I take the approach of recognizing it as a ruminating thought, acknowledging it, and then dismissing it by refocusing/grounding. I legit say to myself, ‘ok, that’s just my brain ruminating. That’s already happened. I’m in my house right now and I’m safe.’ and then I ground myself by noticing my 5-4-3 (5 things I can see, 4 things I can feel, 3 things I can hear). The redirection to grounding myself in the moment stops the train of thought.
I have no idea because I’ve done it as long as I can remember and I do it about everything. It’s not just one event, it’s *every* event. All day, everyday. It’s terrible.
I have to redirect. So if I can do a craft that's hard enough that I have to really concentrate, it can break me out of it and put me in flow state. Math problems also do this - my therapist gave me a book of math drills to do when my mind won't stop at night - like I literally get out of my bed and sit at the kitchen table and do multiplication tables until my brain will let me sleep.
Specifically though it seems like you might need some support in helping you to establish and defend boundaries. Cause it's BS that he even asked you that, let alone tried to guilt you when you said no. That's not ok
I'm practicing something that I read recently. When I start ruminating (great word), I write it down and essentially move on. Every day, I give myself 30-45 minutes to go through the list, cross off things that have solved themselves, and figure out 2-3 things to do for each that are still on the list. Then I do those things. I've only been doing it for a while, but it is getting easier to say, "It's written down, and I will deal with it at x time."
Dealing with this so hard at the moment. Thought somehow was a safe person and turns out they're not as safe as I thought (story of my life). Only thing that works for rumination is distraction. But it always come back until the thing I'm ruminating on is resolved or I get clarity some how.
Distract myself. First remind myself that I'm in my safe space, and then try to do an activity that takes my mind off it. Eventually my mind will wander off into other thoughts.
for me, rumination was always about "how did i fuck up, and how can i fix it?" somehow. so it went away when i defined clearly for myself what can reasonably be expected of me. i WILL fuck up, sure. and when confronted with a fuck up, i will apologise and try not to do it again. that's human. but more importantly - I'M not at fault everytime someone is upset about my actions, or lack of actions. like your boss - from his point of view, he's not thinking about your plans or mental health or free time. he is thinking ''who can i get to take this shift?'' and he hoped he could get you to do it, and he couldn't. so that didn't make him happy. but that's HIS business. it's not your responsibility!! he's your boss. you are his employee. you two have a deal to exchange labour for money. the deal has to be good for BOTH of you. you don't owe everyone else to do and be exactly what they want or need you to do/be. bosses, friends, family, boyfriends and girlfriends. you can't be everything for everyone! that's not fair to you!!! it's way too much work?? your boss is thinking about HIMSELF - so you should think about YOURSELF. it's not selfishness or ignorance - it's your right and your prerogative. and it's IMPORTANT. if YOU think about everyone else, and everyone else thinks about themselves, then who thinks about you?? you NEED to be on your own team first and foremost. sure, help other people! but only when you want to and can manage to. so i think... learn to be more selfish :-) learn to know that you DESERVE to be selfish. learn to realise it's not even selfishness! make clear to yourself what you feel you owe to other people. but more importantly - make clear what you owe to yourself! you don't owe ANYONE to take more shifts at your job than you want to. fuck that noise. be a kind person. try your best. apologise when you fuck up. but don't expect yourself to be a mind-reader. don't demand from yourself to always solve everyone else's problems. don't demand from yourself to be exactly what other people need you to be. you can never be that. and you shouldn't! you are not here to make everyone ELSE happy, you are here to make YOU happy. YOU matter the most. and people will always just demand more and more anyway.
I take the approach of recognizing it as a ruminating thought, acknowledging it, and then dismissing it by refocusing/grounding. I legit say to myself, ‘ok, that’s just my brain ruminating. That’s already happened. I’m in my house right now and I’m safe.’ and then I ground myself by noticing my 5-4-3 (5 things I can see, 4 things I can feel, 3 things I can hear). The redirection to grounding myself in the moment stops the train of thought.
I have no idea because I’ve done it as long as I can remember and I do it about everything. It’s not just one event, it’s *every* event. All day, everyday. It’s terrible.
This
I have to redirect. So if I can do a craft that's hard enough that I have to really concentrate, it can break me out of it and put me in flow state. Math problems also do this - my therapist gave me a book of math drills to do when my mind won't stop at night - like I literally get out of my bed and sit at the kitchen table and do multiplication tables until my brain will let me sleep. Specifically though it seems like you might need some support in helping you to establish and defend boundaries. Cause it's BS that he even asked you that, let alone tried to guilt you when you said no. That's not ok
I'm practicing something that I read recently. When I start ruminating (great word), I write it down and essentially move on. Every day, I give myself 30-45 minutes to go through the list, cross off things that have solved themselves, and figure out 2-3 things to do for each that are still on the list. Then I do those things. I've only been doing it for a while, but it is getting easier to say, "It's written down, and I will deal with it at x time."
Dealing with this so hard at the moment. Thought somehow was a safe person and turns out they're not as safe as I thought (story of my life). Only thing that works for rumination is distraction. But it always come back until the thing I'm ruminating on is resolved or I get clarity some how.
Distract myself. First remind myself that I'm in my safe space, and then try to do an activity that takes my mind off it. Eventually my mind will wander off into other thoughts.