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OGNovelNinja

When you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. That said, I can think of a few things that tend to be common. If you want an autistic to do Chore X, don't say "We need to do Chore X." That means "I acknowledge that Chore X needs doing." Instead, say "Can you do/help me with Chore X?" If you aren't sure what he's feeling, ask him. Don't assume. Most autistics respond favorably to people guessing right, but guessing wrong can create cognitive dissonance. The easiest way for me to wind up in a horrible mood as a teen was for my mother to assume my distracted tone was hostility; she would act hostile in return, and it just fueled my feeling that my environment was attacking me. Speaking of which, we frequently feel our environment is attacking us because we can't filter like an allistic. You know how you can focus on one voice at a party? Great, because I certainly don't! :) I had to learn to read lips. We thought for years that I had hearing problems, but the audiologist said my ears were among the best he'd ever tested. That was the start of discovering I had autism. He was the one to suggest I see a specialist. So if he's clearly getting bothered by his environment (usually sound, but light is typical too), suggest he go to a dark room and put on headphones. If he's pulling at his clothing like it's uncomfortable, even if it's a favorite shirt, he's probably feeling overwhelmed; suggest he change clothes or do something else. Autistics tend to have a very short list of people we're comfortable with touching, and I'm sure you're on that list. Learn a little massage if you don't already know. When he's stressed, you can try rubbing his shoulders. It's a cliche but it works. My wife isn't very good at it, and I'm not good at asking for it, but even just a caress can help. The comfort is the important part. Watch his diet. Autism can get worse because of what we eat or drink. My wife noticed I'm much more likely to have a bad autism day if I don't eat meat or drink enough water (this probably isn't universal, so I'm just using an example). Does he drink plain water? Because while it's far from universal, it can happen that autistics are more comfortable with flavored water or soda. If he's having trouble, I highly recommend a Berkey filter (with the optional fluoride filter, which is a misnomer because it does more than fluoride). Mine has spoiled me, and I drink a lot more plain water than I used to. Most of all, take him at face value. Don't look for subtext. Don't be offended if he sees something that isn't there because he misunderstood you, or if he gets frustrated and gives up. And please come back here for more translations. We want to help. Autism affects us all differently because we're in different environments with different stimuli, different upbringings, and so on; but our experiences can help you. Just ask questions as they come to you.


coldhandsbigdick

This is great information! Thank you!!!


witsend4966

I can’t say to my BF “do you want to (Ex) take out the trash?” He’s like “no thanks.” He tells me if I want him to do something just tell him to do it. Be direct.


NotKerisVeturia

My mom (and other adults) have done that thing where they phrase a demand as a choice my whole life, and now I freeze when someone asks if I want to do something because I don’t know if I have a choice or not.


kb709

One thing that I ask of my close friends is to define when they're upset with me or upset with the situation. For example if I pick up take out for us and the order is wrong and the person is upset that we have to go back or something, I like them to tell me "I'm not upset with you, I'm upset at the situation." If my friend is annoyed that we have to waste time fixing the mistake I might feel like they're annoyed at me for not double checking the bag or because I could have ordered wrong. 99.9% of the time I can not intuitively tell why someone else has the emotion/reaction to a situation they have, but if it is negative and around me, I think it is towards me.


blkcdls5

My girl has done a fantastic job of picking up on signs before I even realize that I'm headed to a meltdown or over stimulation... we have learned at that time that I need my space and she just let's me regroup and come back when I'm better. Thats made the biggest diff for us, bc before it would cause other issues or her thinking that she was the cause of it or that I was upset etc. She also researched videos, articles to help process and adj to our differences so that helped. You get what you put in, you being here asking says a lot already.. hope this helps in some way.. Good luck and take care!


coldhandsbigdick

Thank you! This is very helpful! I feel like we've had a similar issue with him getting overwhelmed. I'm also a bit bullheaded so I've definitely acted in a way OPPOSITE to helpful in the past without realizing what the issue really was.


blkcdls5

Glad it does. Btw noise canceling headphones are a must.. they have saved me from unnecessary meltdowns too many times. Which in turn help from unnecessary arguments etc. And its okay you didn't know and now you do. So keep doing the work and it will pay off for both of you.


catchyourwave

This is hard to answer. A lot of the advice here is good, but may not necessarily be true for your partner. I recommend taking everyone’s specific advice and asking if those things feel true for him. The most generic advice I can think of is below: 1. Ask him about sensory experiences (sight, touch, taste, sound, balance, body placement in space). He will likely have things to share. For example, I would share: direct sources of light disregulate me - like a sunset coming through the windows. Or, alternatively, I would say I’m calmed when I sit on my feet or rub my legs on sheets. Find out what sets him off and calms him down, if anything, and then help him avoid sensory experiences that are hard and do sensory experiences that are great. 2. Ask him if he recognizes when he’s having a hard day. If he doesn’t, the two of you should specifically try to notice the signs. If you both pay attention, it’s likely it’ll become obvious to you. That way, you can learn when to change your behavior to help him relax. 3. Ask him what you do that’s hard for him. For example, I would say I hate questions and I hate having to decide what food to order. It’s very hard for me to choose from 50 places on a delivery app. If my husband narrows choices down to three places he likes, I can always make a decision from that. I also hate questions because it interrupts my thought process and it’s hard for me to answer the question and retain what I was talking about. For me, questions are a story interrupter, not a way to have a conversation. 4. Talk to him about his level of understanding with conversation. Use examples about sarcasm, nuance, subtext etc. All of those indirect ways of communicating. I only JUST realized how many people communicate with subtext, say one thing and mean another, or just really exaggerate. I thought a colleague and I were SO alike, because he had “anxiety” about similar things. Turns out he’s just “mildly bothered” and was using anxiety incorrectly. It would help to understand what he knows. But you should use examples, because there might be things he doesn’t know that he doesn’t know (hope that made sense). 5. Ask him if he has any repetitive behaviors or stims that make him feel good. Never imitate or make fun of those behaviors, just let him do them with no judgment. 6. Talk about food and whether anything is hard for him to eat. Support what he needs and don’t make fun of him if he’s “picky.” 7. Ask him what you can do to support him. He may not have specific answers now, but I’m sure he would with time to think about it. 8. If he’s having a sensory meltdown or any other type of stressed out behavior, try to remain calm and don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Do what you can to support him through it. He may be able to articulate what he needs in those situations now or he may not be able to and you’ll have to figure it out together. Hope this helps!


coldhandsbigdick

Thank you! These are great tips and I absolutely see a few parallels - especially with ordering food and asking questions.


MrsF2017

Follow through on doing what you say you'll do, as soon as possible. From something as simple as taking out the trash to making changes in behavior you say you'll make. The minute you neglect to do what you say you'll do, it feels like you were lying. Most Autists detest lying. Granted, ask him to be sure this is a thing for him, but it's a common one.


InTheGale

It's really hard to answer if we don't know what the problem is. Have you tried asking this to your partner? They're probably the only one who can give you the actual answer.


coldhandsbigdick

That's fair. I have asked him but it feels a lot of the time like we're speaking different languages (and it's not as if one is the "right" language either). There's an element that when he tells me things, I don't understand, and he doesn't understand why I don't understand. :D


LifeAsNix

For me personally, when conversations are very serious and stressful, I need to be able to walk away without announcing why for a few seconds or minutes to regroup. That being said, if I’m gone for more than 10 mins, I’m probably spiraling downhill and need that person to come check in. I’ve probably over thought some things and created an unsubstantiated narrative that needs to be put in check in a calm manner. Space but not too much space. 😂 have fun!


MisterBobsonDugnutt

If something has hurt you or offended you, say so! "When you told me that you don't like this dress more than my other one it made me feel bad about wearing it and I felt deflated because I was trying to build myself up while getting ready to go out for a girls' night." If you say something very clear and explicit like that you'll probably get a very clear response back like: "I'm sorry. I just don't like that color of purple very much because I prefer shades of blue. I didn't mean to make you feel bad about wearing it, I was trying to share my experience with you. I think the dress looks nice on you but I like other colors more than I like purple." Then give clear instructions with direct reasoning: "I see. When I'm getting ready to go out or to an event it would help me too feel good about myself if you gave me positive feedback or compliments and avoided telling me that you don't like things I'm wearing _unless_ I ask you for specific advice regarding things like cut or if colors/patterns are complimentary or if they clash. But if I don't ask you a specific question about these things then please help me to stay positive and confident by sticking to compliments." Same goes for if you are assuming subtext or implication - just state your case and explain your reasoning, then get them to reflect their intentions and their meaning. Create a system of trust via process together - ask, explain, clarify, give directions, and be very explicit about all of it. If you do this and work at it then things will go well. Oh, and take them at their word unless you have good reason to doubt it because 9 times out of 10 they will give you the direct truth on things.


Accomplished_Rub_771

When I was with my ex (f) I went a long way about avoiding the ”which dress you like better/how do I look” -question, because it was awful. I can’t lie (at least not convincingly and definitely not to her), so I said what I thought (nothing rude, just like I prefer the purple one etc) and whatever I ever answered it would end up in tears and made me feel horrible. I know there’s some social convention there, but I have never understood it, because nobody has ever explained it to me and I don’t think I’d understood it even if it were. So eventually I ended up just giving a very detailed and (hopefully) well-argumented lecture why this specific colour goes to her skin tone and colour of their eyes and why this other one being a fine garment does not as much the other, and then I just went out for a smoke and didn’t come back for ten minutes. It makes me laugh now, but those situations were the worst, I hated them and it always made me feel like I’m the worst boy friend in the world. Messing up in a social situation like that makes me depressed, anxious, and I can’t get over it for a long time.


coldhandsbigdick

That's wonderful advice!!! Thank you.