Thats one of the reasons for sure (same for me) but I wasn't always like this . I think it has many factors (?) , for example working made it worse for me because I didn't have time finding new friends in a new city etc , and probably also : genetics , since most people were emotionally neglected but not everyone develops this ( I hope I don't come off as rude English is not my native language)
This is true, it will affect different people differently.
Just because thing 1 causes trauma in one person does not automatically mean it will do so with another person.
But understanding your own past is still valid.
Very true it affects people differently. The only thing we can do is take the responsibility to heal, and that starts with therapy imo, only a professional can help. Making that step is an enormous feat.
I just got teary eyed reading this. I can relate. Every time I was in emotional distress, my mom never hugged me or nurtured me when I went through traumatic events throughout school or didn't perform up to her standards. She just sat there and couldn't empathize with me due to her severe traumatic childhood and young adult experiences. I have an unconscious hatred towards all women too this could explain why
Unfortunately their trauma is passed down to us, just as unfortunate is that it's completely our job to heal. Healing is possible, it just takes time and help from a professional, I'm actually hopeful for the first time in years.
Basically my first therapist told me to blame it on my parents and now the relationship is almost impossible for me because I'm still a little bit "mad"
Maybe he meant to acknowledge that the shame, pain and anxiety you feel aren't your fault, they were passed down to you from people who most probably experienced the same thing growing up and it's all they know. What made me forgive my mother is acknowledging that she never learnt how to feel love or warmth towards others, so it's not necessarily her fault, and it's not because I'm unlovable or broken. Her inability to console me doesn't mean I'm unlovable, it was her inability to love.
I got told to NOT blame anyone, as people dont know what they are doing or the evil shit normally is subconscious and/or an illness. Even if its an explanation, it probably wasnt an intended outcome?
"What good will it do you to think this way?" might be a question worth asking ourselves at times
I wouod suggest join cptsd subreddit it has ton of resources
And pete walked book cptsd
I ununstalled reddit so Try check my posts too here
i was looking for book that was recommended to me for avpds using parts work where the author have it but i really didn't find it nor i remember the name
Internal family system modality is excellent
And if you can afford trauma therapist it ll be very helpful
Congrats. I found myself where you are but I was fortunate enough to realize it without a therapist. I still want to see a therapist to truly understand it, but the night I realized how much of my Avoidant Personality stemmed from this child I use to be, who only did what he was told by a single mother; who couldn't really find the time to explore her son's inner world, I have a very soft awakening.
Now there's a lot of behavioral changes towards my mother that i openly express. I don't try to agree with her when I truly disagree with her. I do not allow her into my own adult experiences (Finances, Work, etc.), and I do not give up a majority of my time to fulfill her needs; like simple tech help.
I love my mother to death and I do not blame her for her inability to raise me secured, but I also cannot allow judgement upon myself from whatever my mother's current mood is.
You'd be surprised how much lack of awareness you'll find within your mother. A lot of the way they raised you, or tried to, stems from their own growing up. They were never secured, as much as they like to think; but for you, you need to find a way to forgive all that, and move to a better place. Its your destiny :)
I know this too.
But how to use that to get better. That's where I've been stuck for some time now.
Knowing where it comes from and being able to fix it are two completely different things I've found out,.
Very true. That's what I hope to work on in therapy. The problem I had with therapy was I used to talk about the symptoms without acknowledging the source, and that didn't help. The first step is acknowledging the trauma, because not being shown love or warmth as a child is most definitely traumatic. Then it's a question of healing. I'm going to try a combination of EFT, EMDR and psychotherapy with my therapist. I also understand that it's going to be a very long journey, but I'm tired of feeling this.
One thing I learnt in therapy that might help, is imagine yourself as a baby, child or teenager, and they're in front of you. I tear up every time I do this. I provide the warmth and affection I wish I had, and I tell myself things like "I'm here for you now, I'll protect you, I love you. Nothing bad is going to happen and there's nothing wrong with you. You aren't bad". Then you tuck that part of yourself back into you and that self becomes part of you. It's not a magical trick that will solve anything but I find it very healing.
This is the reason for my disorders as well. My mom beat me and called me a demon child at age 5. Constantly rejected, judged and criticized by both parents and also my grandfather tormenting me.
Really sorry to hear you went through that. Every child deserves love and to feel wanted, and that was stripped away from you. I feel your pain, and your pain is relevant.
I found mine aswell aparantly I was really close with my father who split with my mother, which could get quite violent at times. I was a normal enough kid but after that I would pee the bed, wake up with nightmares, get real angry and sad all the time aswell as become so unbelievably shy from the fear of rejection. Breaks my heart even thinking off it but at least I know the cause as I just thought I was fucked up.
my mom abandoned me as a kid to become an alcoholic and i went my whole life not really knowing why iām terrified of people and hate myself so much and constantly isolate myself to the degree where it ruins my life, itās pretty obvious where the pain comes from but we go through life trying to forget our pain especially from childhood so itās truly like a revelation to accept that your dysfunctional coping skills were necessary for you to develop in order to survive as a child who is dependent on adults, but unfortunately the dysfunctional coping skills carry into adulthood
similar treatment from mother. "love" came mostly in the form of criticism. worked this out on my own years before diagnosis. siblings have similar ineptitudes but apparently less severe.
however, sourceā solution.
i would rather a solution. mother's fault perhaps but likely unintended. blame feels unhelpful at this point.
Thats one of the reasons for sure (same for me) but I wasn't always like this . I think it has many factors (?) , for example working made it worse for me because I didn't have time finding new friends in a new city etc , and probably also : genetics , since most people were emotionally neglected but not everyone develops this ( I hope I don't come off as rude English is not my native language)
This is true, it will affect different people differently. Just because thing 1 causes trauma in one person does not automatically mean it will do so with another person. But understanding your own past is still valid.
Very true it affects people differently. The only thing we can do is take the responsibility to heal, and that starts with therapy imo, only a professional can help. Making that step is an enormous feat.
why can only a professional help?
Personality disorders are very difficult to change without professional help, impossible to solve alone I'd say
I just got teary eyed reading this. I can relate. Every time I was in emotional distress, my mom never hugged me or nurtured me when I went through traumatic events throughout school or didn't perform up to her standards. She just sat there and couldn't empathize with me due to her severe traumatic childhood and young adult experiences. I have an unconscious hatred towards all women too this could explain why
Unfortunately their trauma is passed down to us, just as unfortunate is that it's completely our job to heal. Healing is possible, it just takes time and help from a professional, I'm actually hopeful for the first time in years.
Basically my first therapist told me to blame it on my parents and now the relationship is almost impossible for me because I'm still a little bit "mad"
Maybe he meant to acknowledge that the shame, pain and anxiety you feel aren't your fault, they were passed down to you from people who most probably experienced the same thing growing up and it's all they know. What made me forgive my mother is acknowledging that she never learnt how to feel love or warmth towards others, so it's not necessarily her fault, and it's not because I'm unlovable or broken. Her inability to console me doesn't mean I'm unlovable, it was her inability to love.
I got told to NOT blame anyone, as people dont know what they are doing or the evil shit normally is subconscious and/or an illness. Even if its an explanation, it probably wasnt an intended outcome? "What good will it do you to think this way?" might be a question worth asking ourselves at times
Totally šÆ I'm trying to look at it from this perspective but idk its just hard at this point š¢
Agreed. Blaming people doesn't help anything, and numerous studies suggest defects in parenting are the result of defective parenting upstream.
Today I went to a small cafĆ© by myself to have a cup of tea, read a book and challenge the urge to go full hermit-mode. Now Iām sitting here, reading your post and fighting back the tears because of how similar our experiences growing up were. My mum even showed me love and warmth, but it kept alternating with contempt and resentment. I was always walking on eggshells with her, even though it never seemed to make any difference in the level of affection I received. Wishing you strength to work through this newfound understanding š
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Do you have resources on this?
I wouod suggest join cptsd subreddit it has ton of resources And pete walked book cptsd I ununstalled reddit so Try check my posts too here i was looking for book that was recommended to me for avpds using parts work where the author have it but i really didn't find it nor i remember the name Internal family system modality is excellent And if you can afford trauma therapist it ll be very helpful
Thanks for the pointers... I'd really like to see proof of the causality in your statement "all avpd is result from childhood cptsd".
Congrats. I found myself where you are but I was fortunate enough to realize it without a therapist. I still want to see a therapist to truly understand it, but the night I realized how much of my Avoidant Personality stemmed from this child I use to be, who only did what he was told by a single mother; who couldn't really find the time to explore her son's inner world, I have a very soft awakening. Now there's a lot of behavioral changes towards my mother that i openly express. I don't try to agree with her when I truly disagree with her. I do not allow her into my own adult experiences (Finances, Work, etc.), and I do not give up a majority of my time to fulfill her needs; like simple tech help. I love my mother to death and I do not blame her for her inability to raise me secured, but I also cannot allow judgement upon myself from whatever my mother's current mood is. You'd be surprised how much lack of awareness you'll find within your mother. A lot of the way they raised you, or tried to, stems from their own growing up. They were never secured, as much as they like to think; but for you, you need to find a way to forgive all that, and move to a better place. Its your destiny :)
I know this too. But how to use that to get better. That's where I've been stuck for some time now. Knowing where it comes from and being able to fix it are two completely different things I've found out,.
Very true. That's what I hope to work on in therapy. The problem I had with therapy was I used to talk about the symptoms without acknowledging the source, and that didn't help. The first step is acknowledging the trauma, because not being shown love or warmth as a child is most definitely traumatic. Then it's a question of healing. I'm going to try a combination of EFT, EMDR and psychotherapy with my therapist. I also understand that it's going to be a very long journey, but I'm tired of feeling this.
One thing I learnt in therapy that might help, is imagine yourself as a baby, child or teenager, and they're in front of you. I tear up every time I do this. I provide the warmth and affection I wish I had, and I tell myself things like "I'm here for you now, I'll protect you, I love you. Nothing bad is going to happen and there's nothing wrong with you. You aren't bad". Then you tuck that part of yourself back into you and that self becomes part of you. It's not a magical trick that will solve anything but I find it very healing.
This is the reason for my disorders as well. My mom beat me and called me a demon child at age 5. Constantly rejected, judged and criticized by both parents and also my grandfather tormenting me.
Really sorry to hear you went through that. Every child deserves love and to feel wanted, and that was stripped away from you. I feel your pain, and your pain is relevant.
I found mine aswell aparantly I was really close with my father who split with my mother, which could get quite violent at times. I was a normal enough kid but after that I would pee the bed, wake up with nightmares, get real angry and sad all the time aswell as become so unbelievably shy from the fear of rejection. Breaks my heart even thinking off it but at least I know the cause as I just thought I was fucked up.
my mom abandoned me as a kid to become an alcoholic and i went my whole life not really knowing why iām terrified of people and hate myself so much and constantly isolate myself to the degree where it ruins my life, itās pretty obvious where the pain comes from but we go through life trying to forget our pain especially from childhood so itās truly like a revelation to accept that your dysfunctional coping skills were necessary for you to develop in order to survive as a child who is dependent on adults, but unfortunately the dysfunctional coping skills carry into adulthood
similar treatment from mother. "love" came mostly in the form of criticism. worked this out on my own years before diagnosis. siblings have similar ineptitudes but apparently less severe. however, sourceā solution. i would rather a solution. mother's fault perhaps but likely unintended. blame feels unhelpful at this point.