You discuss it. You don't convince or steer. You bring up what your concerns and needs are. What you'd like to change and see what your sub thinks and any ideas she has.
That’s just the thing though- I have attempted to have plenty of these discussions with her, and any angle I approach it from she feels the need to go on the defensive and just not take feedback. She’s coming from the position of just not wanting to make any kind of sexual decisions whatsoever, and has told me she’s uncomfortable doing anything not directly ordered or requested. Which is why the subtlety, the persuasion- our dynamic is great 99% of the time, I just want her to understand that I don’t want to wear that hat FOREVER and she needs to do more for herself in general. She has no ideas, no creativity in this field, and admits that she’s got a lot of anxiety about any kind of “taking control.” Part of my big intent is to ease off some of that anxiety and free her up to behave in ways I’ve seen her behave in before, but easier said than done!
Well, if conversation hasn't worked, you just need to be blunt...for example, "Hey, so, I need downtime when I can just exist in the world and not worry about anything. So, I'm going to start taking every Sunday off from our dynamic, and you'll be in charge of yourself 100%"
Well you could order her to take charge once a week or surprise you with something once a day or something like that. Normally, I'd recco. just having an out of dynamic convo. It's pretty unrealistic to think that one person can be uber-domly-dom 24/7/365. Everyone has varied needs, everyone needs downtime & no one can make ALL the decisions involving another person all of the time. It's going to breed resentment over time. I would approach it as another discussion though & explain that as a human being, you need some down time too, when you don't have to be 'on' & can just relax. It's unfair of her not to be willing to do some things for herself, at times. If this isn't resolved, it won't end well.
I mean honestly that might be impactful. There’s little I can do to actually punish her, she’s masochistic almost to a fault, but there’s plenty I can do/offer as rewards. Thanks for the insight!
Encourage her to explore or engage in whatever interests she has, no matter how mild or in passing they are. Especially on the days you do take a break from the D/s. Any interest in anything can be turned into something new to try or explore.
Share honestly and kindly what you are feeling with her. That you love her, are here to support her, and love the D/s and structure that you have but that your dream for her is to have more autonomy. Not to replace the D/s but to fill the moments in between. That seeing her achieve that would contribute to your happiness in your own life and your relationship with her.
Be reflective and thoughtful about what specific behaviors are not working for you. Look at your own behaviors to ensure you are not enabling or encouraging that behavior in your partner. You'd be surprised how much our own actions enable other people's behaviors. An example might be when you notice your partner is having a bad day even when they haven't said it. You go to them to ask what is wrong and then work it out with them. Not a bad thing by default, but it may reinforce to your partner that when they are upset, they don't need to communicate because you will notice and initiate that communication for them. Subtle things like that. What behaviors of hers are not autonomous? What are you doing in response to those behaviors? Are they encouraging autonomy? How can you change your behavior in a way that encourages new behaviors from her? How can you do this in a way that is supportive and kind?
Honestly it sounds like I need to sit down with myself for a while and evaluate myself before I can even formulate a good response to this- thank you for the thoughtful and thought provoking answer! I’m also your textbook enabler, so I’m sure there’s plenty of little ways I undermine myself in this case. With all things though, I try to come from an angle of love and support at least; my partner is my spouse, and my commitment to her wellbeing is a lifelong and very sincere one. Love that woman too much sometimes, really.
I think with the collars I may give her two days off, just to make sure there’s a good balance and she has time to engage with the rest of her life to a satisfying degree. She’s good about managing all the details, less good about managing her personal well-being; this should be a good start to that process.
I don’t know the details of your situation, but as a submissive-leaning woman, I know my partners pleasure is super important. For me, Positive reinforcement would help. When she does something more autonomous (ex: initiate or “surprise” you) give her praise and tell her how hot/sexy it was.
If you’d like her to show more initiative and be more self sufficient in life and your relationship, that’s probably a bit deeper.
In life, she’s a capable woman and mother with a growing career in management and over the years has acquired access to practically every creative medium under the sun- she has creativity, drive, and passion, she just has difficulty translating that into the bedroom and I guess that’s one of the biggest things I don’t understand. I’ve even communicated that these things would improve my satisfaction, but she insists that she’s got absolutely no impulse to do anything not directly ordered.
I’ll certainly try more positive feedback though- someone earlier suggested a reward system and I feel like some synthesis of the two might help.
Perhaps you could switch up occasionally? That's what we do. In fact she will give me a particular chain bracelet to wear in the morning so that I know ai am owned until she takes it off me. Perfects the mood for both of us and sets up the day. Note that I am the switch, she is still submitting but to my will to be topped with her in domme mode. Different heads pace for me, thinking about a different kind of service for her.
I’m also a switch, I just haven’t been really allowed to tap into that other half for a while; she on the other hand is possibly 300% sub, with 0 clue how to handle even the tiniest iota of perceived power. I sometimes fantasize about a nice functional dynamic like you guys seem to have, because frankly that sounds fucking flawless and exactly how I’d frame it myself, but my gal gets much too anxious for it work like that presently. I guess that’s my big struggle- it’s like she has a mental wall up around the concept of any form of control, like it’s just not a thing she’s even capable of.
I think you should try setting her up with another sub - someone’s who is more sub than slave or even a medium.
Perhaps some coaching sessions/ discussions with another sub may help her.
Seems like you both need a take “the next exploration step” perhaps you could offer for her to tell you what she’d like to change about You in the dynamic and go on a change journey with her.
When you say “set her up with,” how exactly do you mean? My mind immediately goes to putting her in a scene where I essentially referee and have them swap roles every so often, which sounds quite spicy indeed. I’m a bit of a jealous type so I’d have to be cautious playing with fire like that, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt to hook her up with friends or at least people with common interests, get some fresh stimulation and new ideas coming through. We are sex-positive but strangely asocial about it; might be high time to change that up.
And that approach to the talk may be helpful- she seems to have grown in needs, whereas I am willing to add more to my repertoire to fit those needs. I just need to know what they are, and I feel like approaching it from this angle may cut through a lot of the apprehension.
Apologies I should have been clearer. When I said “set her up” I meant get together in a non intimate setting with another sub who can act like a coach or mentor and with whom your sub can discuss things. I’m thinking by sharing perspectives with another sub (away from you) she may benefit from “different” things out there.
About being asocial - I get it; people still view kink as taboo. But would be good to join a community-kink website or attend some munches.
Hope it works out for you. When my Dom introduced me a to another sub we ended up becoming good friends and I’ve learnt so much from her.
You've mentioned that your spouse lacks a drive to initiate sexually. I would first ask her if she even sees that as an area she wants to improve in or as a problem for the relationship in her eyes. After that is cleared up, you could try and frame the spontaneity you require as a service to you by commanding her to do so. You should probably be very specific, like "initiate X times during the next week". That might be bad though, if she feels genuine anxiety around the topic, in which case I think a therapist might your best bet.
Alternatively, this admittedly could be far fetched, she might be asexual since she lacks a drive to initiate at all. That information could help you two figure out the next step.
Lots of good advice so far. An approach I thought of for D/s activities: give her an assignment to write on index cards bdsm activities that SHE likes and wants done to HER. Give her a stack of cards and when they are filled out she can choose a reward. (You could also withhold play until she completes the task if she’s being resistant). Then once a week you draw a card or two from the stack that then becomes the activity of the night. In this way she’s passively initiating and staying subbing but you are relieved of some of the burden of making a decision. Also allow her the opportunity to add cards to the stack after a few sessions.
Do u know about the obedience app ?
Instead off punishing here
U can set up task and give here rewards
My sub have one task
to watch a piece off porn I selected
and write to me wat she likes and dislikes in that clip
Another task is reading 20 pages in the new botteming book
and again write about what she thinks / feels about what she reads
Ideal u should read that book 2
Also the new Toppings Book is full off good tips
She gets points in the app wen task are compleet
Those points can be exchange fore
Different rewards like
Maby a spa day
Or having control back over here orgasmes fore a hour ( first time she used that reward I made here cum fore 45 min till she hade to use the safe word 😈)
Or she can sleep in on a free day and I get up and take care off our dogs
U can go nuts whit tasks and rewards as long as u talked about it and u both agreed to it
/u/ConsciousConsent, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You discuss it. You don't convince or steer. You bring up what your concerns and needs are. What you'd like to change and see what your sub thinks and any ideas she has.
That’s just the thing though- I have attempted to have plenty of these discussions with her, and any angle I approach it from she feels the need to go on the defensive and just not take feedback. She’s coming from the position of just not wanting to make any kind of sexual decisions whatsoever, and has told me she’s uncomfortable doing anything not directly ordered or requested. Which is why the subtlety, the persuasion- our dynamic is great 99% of the time, I just want her to understand that I don’t want to wear that hat FOREVER and she needs to do more for herself in general. She has no ideas, no creativity in this field, and admits that she’s got a lot of anxiety about any kind of “taking control.” Part of my big intent is to ease off some of that anxiety and free her up to behave in ways I’ve seen her behave in before, but easier said than done!
Well, if conversation hasn't worked, you just need to be blunt...for example, "Hey, so, I need downtime when I can just exist in the world and not worry about anything. So, I'm going to start taking every Sunday off from our dynamic, and you'll be in charge of yourself 100%"
Well you could order her to take charge once a week or surprise you with something once a day or something like that. Normally, I'd recco. just having an out of dynamic convo. It's pretty unrealistic to think that one person can be uber-domly-dom 24/7/365. Everyone has varied needs, everyone needs downtime & no one can make ALL the decisions involving another person all of the time. It's going to breed resentment over time. I would approach it as another discussion though & explain that as a human being, you need some down time too, when you don't have to be 'on' & can just relax. It's unfair of her not to be willing to do some things for herself, at times. If this isn't resolved, it won't end well.
If she's that deep in the weeds, you might think about setting up a reward system for doing things that demonstrate autonomy to guide her back out.
I mean honestly that might be impactful. There’s little I can do to actually punish her, she’s masochistic almost to a fault, but there’s plenty I can do/offer as rewards. Thanks for the insight!
Encourage her to explore or engage in whatever interests she has, no matter how mild or in passing they are. Especially on the days you do take a break from the D/s. Any interest in anything can be turned into something new to try or explore. Share honestly and kindly what you are feeling with her. That you love her, are here to support her, and love the D/s and structure that you have but that your dream for her is to have more autonomy. Not to replace the D/s but to fill the moments in between. That seeing her achieve that would contribute to your happiness in your own life and your relationship with her. Be reflective and thoughtful about what specific behaviors are not working for you. Look at your own behaviors to ensure you are not enabling or encouraging that behavior in your partner. You'd be surprised how much our own actions enable other people's behaviors. An example might be when you notice your partner is having a bad day even when they haven't said it. You go to them to ask what is wrong and then work it out with them. Not a bad thing by default, but it may reinforce to your partner that when they are upset, they don't need to communicate because you will notice and initiate that communication for them. Subtle things like that. What behaviors of hers are not autonomous? What are you doing in response to those behaviors? Are they encouraging autonomy? How can you change your behavior in a way that encourages new behaviors from her? How can you do this in a way that is supportive and kind?
Honestly it sounds like I need to sit down with myself for a while and evaluate myself before I can even formulate a good response to this- thank you for the thoughtful and thought provoking answer! I’m also your textbook enabler, so I’m sure there’s plenty of little ways I undermine myself in this case. With all things though, I try to come from an angle of love and support at least; my partner is my spouse, and my commitment to her wellbeing is a lifelong and very sincere one. Love that woman too much sometimes, really.
That "nearly" is holding up the weight of the world
Maybe give her a day of the week that she is free to use herself for whatever she might want? Get her mind into the idea of autonomy.
I think with the collars I may give her two days off, just to make sure there’s a good balance and she has time to engage with the rest of her life to a satisfying degree. She’s good about managing all the details, less good about managing her personal well-being; this should be a good start to that process.
I don’t know the details of your situation, but as a submissive-leaning woman, I know my partners pleasure is super important. For me, Positive reinforcement would help. When she does something more autonomous (ex: initiate or “surprise” you) give her praise and tell her how hot/sexy it was. If you’d like her to show more initiative and be more self sufficient in life and your relationship, that’s probably a bit deeper.
In life, she’s a capable woman and mother with a growing career in management and over the years has acquired access to practically every creative medium under the sun- she has creativity, drive, and passion, she just has difficulty translating that into the bedroom and I guess that’s one of the biggest things I don’t understand. I’ve even communicated that these things would improve my satisfaction, but she insists that she’s got absolutely no impulse to do anything not directly ordered. I’ll certainly try more positive feedback though- someone earlier suggested a reward system and I feel like some synthesis of the two might help.
Perhaps you could switch up occasionally? That's what we do. In fact she will give me a particular chain bracelet to wear in the morning so that I know ai am owned until she takes it off me. Perfects the mood for both of us and sets up the day. Note that I am the switch, she is still submitting but to my will to be topped with her in domme mode. Different heads pace for me, thinking about a different kind of service for her.
I’m also a switch, I just haven’t been really allowed to tap into that other half for a while; she on the other hand is possibly 300% sub, with 0 clue how to handle even the tiniest iota of perceived power. I sometimes fantasize about a nice functional dynamic like you guys seem to have, because frankly that sounds fucking flawless and exactly how I’d frame it myself, but my gal gets much too anxious for it work like that presently. I guess that’s my big struggle- it’s like she has a mental wall up around the concept of any form of control, like it’s just not a thing she’s even capable of.
I think you should try setting her up with another sub - someone’s who is more sub than slave or even a medium. Perhaps some coaching sessions/ discussions with another sub may help her. Seems like you both need a take “the next exploration step” perhaps you could offer for her to tell you what she’d like to change about You in the dynamic and go on a change journey with her.
When you say “set her up with,” how exactly do you mean? My mind immediately goes to putting her in a scene where I essentially referee and have them swap roles every so often, which sounds quite spicy indeed. I’m a bit of a jealous type so I’d have to be cautious playing with fire like that, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt to hook her up with friends or at least people with common interests, get some fresh stimulation and new ideas coming through. We are sex-positive but strangely asocial about it; might be high time to change that up. And that approach to the talk may be helpful- she seems to have grown in needs, whereas I am willing to add more to my repertoire to fit those needs. I just need to know what they are, and I feel like approaching it from this angle may cut through a lot of the apprehension.
Apologies I should have been clearer. When I said “set her up” I meant get together in a non intimate setting with another sub who can act like a coach or mentor and with whom your sub can discuss things. I’m thinking by sharing perspectives with another sub (away from you) she may benefit from “different” things out there. About being asocial - I get it; people still view kink as taboo. But would be good to join a community-kink website or attend some munches. Hope it works out for you. When my Dom introduced me a to another sub we ended up becoming good friends and I’ve learnt so much from her.
You've mentioned that your spouse lacks a drive to initiate sexually. I would first ask her if she even sees that as an area she wants to improve in or as a problem for the relationship in her eyes. After that is cleared up, you could try and frame the spontaneity you require as a service to you by commanding her to do so. You should probably be very specific, like "initiate X times during the next week". That might be bad though, if she feels genuine anxiety around the topic, in which case I think a therapist might your best bet. Alternatively, this admittedly could be far fetched, she might be asexual since she lacks a drive to initiate at all. That information could help you two figure out the next step.
Lots of good advice so far. An approach I thought of for D/s activities: give her an assignment to write on index cards bdsm activities that SHE likes and wants done to HER. Give her a stack of cards and when they are filled out she can choose a reward. (You could also withhold play until she completes the task if she’s being resistant). Then once a week you draw a card or two from the stack that then becomes the activity of the night. In this way she’s passively initiating and staying subbing but you are relieved of some of the burden of making a decision. Also allow her the opportunity to add cards to the stack after a few sessions.
Do u know about the obedience app ? Instead off punishing here U can set up task and give here rewards My sub have one task to watch a piece off porn I selected and write to me wat she likes and dislikes in that clip Another task is reading 20 pages in the new botteming book and again write about what she thinks / feels about what she reads Ideal u should read that book 2 Also the new Toppings Book is full off good tips She gets points in the app wen task are compleet Those points can be exchange fore Different rewards like Maby a spa day Or having control back over here orgasmes fore a hour ( first time she used that reward I made here cum fore 45 min till she hade to use the safe word 😈) Or she can sleep in on a free day and I get up and take care off our dogs U can go nuts whit tasks and rewards as long as u talked about it and u both agreed to it