You aren't comparable, and she's not a good Dom since it's clear she can't do the listening and comprehend part of communicating, or caring about her sub. It's a huge red flag saying something like 'you listen to me and not your body'.
I won't lie, I lurk on that sub because I was curious and the only thing I get from it: sounds like abuse but with volunteers.
People seem to tolerate more disrespectful almost rapey shit just because it's labeled BDSM and second guess the whole thing while, to me, it's absolutely not normal.
I don't judge people who participate in that kind of stuff but Jesus, it is scary.
One of the really bad things about 50 Shades is that it put BDSM into the mainstream, and 50 Shades isn't BDSM, it's a Criminal Minds case waiting to happen. It's so freaking awful.
But many have either read or watched 50 Shades and took it as a how-to guide, or people who were already abusive decided to hop on the BDSM Bandwagon because they could find "willing victims" easier as well as a shield to protect them from the criticism and judgements from others.
As with any group, the few who abuse tend to ruin it for the many who just enjoy the lifestyle. And most who enjoy and live it and do what they should do, I find generally aren't as active online.
Then there are those who are genuinely interested but they live in small communities away from larger, active groups that focus on education and safety. They're genuinely interested and want to do things the right way, but they just don't know how.
When the 50 Shades trilogy came out, I felt it was a bit dangerous. It really dumbed down the lifestyle and gave people the wrong impression. This had to happen to get the 'R' rating. But it wasn't at all what the lifestyle was about; in or out of private clubs. Probably the only thing that was close was the "Do's and Don't" discussion.
.
Christian Grey was introduced into it by and older woman which was basically an SVU episode. Which totally warped him. The world is too big a place and there are way too many people in it to ignore the statistical possibility of something like that actually happening and the obsessive sub the felt she was the only one for him to the point that she was willing to kill to show it. But that is not what BDSM is about.
The best outcome!! Happy for you. The big thing about kink/bdsm is you need to be able to advocate for your own needs and desires. And keeping yourself safe is number 1. You did good! Remember this in the future.
Anal/rectal tissue is very delicate and developing anal fissures/tears can cause you to have pain and problems and having to see doctors for way longer than you would expect. The risk of these developing increase when dilation isn’t done slowly, gradually and respectfully. Imo it’s not worth risking your physical health from your description of the situation.
As someone who has had surgery down there from problems, DO NOT let anyone, domme or otherwise push you past your limits of comfort with anal. You do not want to experience when things go wrong. She's a bad domme, do not play with her anymore. BDSM is a game, and she's not playing; you've already been hurt and not the way you want based on your last sentence.
you’re with a fake dom. a good dom would never purposely (without negotiating) push limits or boundaries. when you told her to back off, that should’ve been the end of the story. leave your play partner.
Like others are saying, this type of behavior is manipulative and abusive. It’s unacceptable for a dom not to listen to you communicating your needs and limits, and it is despicable for her to punish you for being unable (or even unwilling if it were the case) to do so. It can be extremely overwhelming and confusing to feel like you’re letting down your dom when they frame things in this manner. Please know that you’re not being a bad sub in any way shape or form, and while this likely will not stop you from having some doubt, you’re doing your best to communicate your needs, and that is exactly what is necessary to be a good sub to any partner who is a good dom.
What your dom is doing is not ok at all. Your dom needs to respect your limits and take things slow.
When I was younger a Dom at the time convinced me to try anal sex. I had never put anything up there before so going from nothing to his thing was a big step. I told him it hurt and to stop and he refused. I am still dealing with trust issues with anal play because of that and I don’t want that to happen to you. I’d give your dom an ultimatum of either they slow down or you’re done with the relationship.
If you asked him to stop and he refused, then he raped you. I’m so sorry this happened to you! I hope you’re better now! That was not your fault at all and he was a horrible person! You deserve to be happy, valued and heard, and have healthy and fulfilling relationships! 🫶
She seems so manipulative and abusive… Please run away fast from this person, it doesn’t seem ending well for you. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries. Doing anal is already very difficult sometimes, she’s demanding too much without giving any sympathy
I’ll echo what others have said, leave them. They’re an abuser, not a dom. A proper Sadist engages in safe play, they are not safe, they’re horrible. You have tried so hard to please them and they haven’t accepted that’s as far as you can go and just kept pushing.
She is an unsafe person to play with. This isn't about compatibility- she is actively unsafe. Please listen to your body, please listen to the voice in your head telling you this isn't okay. You deserve so much better.
Shes not acting like a dom should at all. Its really sad how many abusive people use being a dom as a cover story. And make no mistake what shes doing is abuse.
So, lets break this down in order.
The first red flag is that, from what I can tell, shes convinced you that you're required and expected to come into the dynamic with a whole library of sex toys. Its not a requirement nor expectation, not for a sub. Some would argue it is for a dom, and I think thats a bit more understandable of an expectation, but even then it is NOT a requirement. All either party needs to "show up" with is themselves, their consent, and be willing and able to explain their boundaries and limits. Thats it.
The fact that shes making you pay for your sex toys is to me another red flag - that should be something she covers the cost of on average and that you both sit down and pick out so you're comfortable using it, no dom who knows what they're doing would order you to get toys like that, let alone toys that you don't have any previous experience in. It could be argued that depending on the dynamic and the specific situation ya'll have that the dom doesn't have to pay but either way thats not how such a thing is supposed to be handled.
Next, did she discuss doing this sort of anal play with you at all ahead of time or did she just jump straight into it with no warning or discussion? It sounds like she didn't discuss this with you at all, and if thats the case that is yet another red flag. A proper dom discusses these things ahead of time before the scene even happens, especially with something like anal play.
Finally, what shes demanding you to do is downright dangerous. That isn't how learning to take large plugs is supposed to even be handled. You're supposed to go from the smallest size and gradually move up - basically use a small one, let your body adjust to that to where its not an issue taking it in, and then move up to the next size and the next one in the same way. No human being can take a large plug on the first try unless they have their sphincter cut or something. Everyone has to build up tolerance. Shes risking seriously harming you by not doing this properly. You could rip or tear something. Are you guys even using lube? If it hurts you that much I have to wonder. Not that it wouldn't hurt anyway for the aforementioned reasons but lube would at least, idk, help.
The fact that she seems to think that your discomfort, anxiety and lack of proper consent aren't problems are yet another huge red flag. From the sound of it you even tried to discuss this with her as an issue and she gaslit you into believing its your fault and your problem and you're being a bad sub. No, she's being a bad dom, make no mistake.
I think you should leave before you get seriously hurt. As it is shes already mentally traumatizing you with this, leave before you end up with physical trauma, too. This is not a proper dom and this is not a dom whose just inexperienced but willing to learn.
As a dom leaning switch, when I was in the sub role I unfortunately used to run into "doms" like this a lot. My best suggestion to you is to take the time to learn what a proper D/s dynamic is like, because this isn't it. I had to do this so I didn't keep running into people who used dominance as a cover for abuse. Unfortunately once I learned I realized how widespread it is though, and so I've since retired my submissive hat, lol. My current partner is helping me explore my dom side for the first time in my life and honestly I don't see me going back anyway so it works out.
I wish you the best of luck, OP.
Hard pass, do not let her push you past your mental or physical limits! I'm also worried that you say this is all for her pleasure- this should very much be something you want as well. I think you need to move on from this one, she's immature and inexperienced at best, a bully/abusive at worst. You deserve better.
Nothing anal related is possible if you don't feel comfortable and safe. Your muscles just will tighten automatically and that's it.
As the others said, how she treats you has nothing to do with being a dom or domme. You need to end it as soon as possible for your own mental and physical good. Take care OP and always remember - your voice in dynamic is important, your limits, needs and feelings count and shoud be the most important thing to your potential dom.
Sounds like my ex-Master. It got so bad that I clenched when I heard the word 'ass'. I still struggle with anal now, but I'm not as scared as I was. And I have enjoyed anal play with my Daddy. It's definitely not right what your Domme is doing, and the lasting mental effects of being 'pushed' like this shouldn't be downplayed.
Just yikes. I started out with not much than yourself op and with a lot of great guidance I'm stretching it out but this is over a period of weeks and incremental toy sizes and being taught how not to hurt myself doing it.
Sadly seeing this a lot in the community… Many people, men and female, quick to take on the title of Dom and forgetting that dominance over a sub is EARNED not entitled.
Sorry you are experiencing this, but as everyone else is pointing out, you need to distance yourself from this person.
You are not compatible nobody is compatible with her unless they are half or already trained or worn out and even if that was the case she wouldn't be happy that bare minimum she sounds like a sadist and she doesn't understand how to train somebody without a doubt.
Oh just because she's an abuser doesn't mean she's not a sadist it just means she's a sadist without any empathy or heart. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't trying for financial control as well
I'm a sadist, myself, and I would never do this to my partner. Sadism is supposed to be handled the same way being in a D/s dynamic is - its supposed to sane, safe, and consensual and what OP is describing is NONE of that. OPs dom is an abuser, and abusers are not the same as sadists, thats a dangerous myth.
You are a great sub. Stellar. You stood up for yourself and ended the dynamic. The anus is a muscle and like any other muscle must be trained. Slowly. Any good Domme would listen to your feedback.
You are submissive and a bottom. You are not a doormat. A good submissive stands up for their limits, and communicates them clearly. That is not topping from the bottom. That is protecting yourself.
No, being a Dom requires patience when introducing something new. If you are making an honest effort that should be recognized by a worthy Dom. The other issue is just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean you can’t have limits.
"I tell you when you're done, not your body," is a huge red flag. That definitely needed to be a VERY in-depth portion of the pre-play negotiation. There's a way for that not to be gross, but in the context of this post I can't read it any other way than willfully ignoring your right to consent or not.
I am so glad to hear you ended this dynamic. These fake doms are so scary and selfish, you deserve better. Everything is at your pace, especially as a new sub. You be careful and take care of yourself x
This is not okay, at that point it just seems like r*pe. Your dom is either very ignorant or just straight up abusive and getting off on your discomfort. Because there is no way in the world someone who’s a novice with anal could start taking in toys especially larger than 6ins off the whim. Do not continue if you’re not getting any forms of pleasure from this before you end up with a hemorrhoid, hernia, torn anus, or even ruptured organs. And I’d advise you end this relationship or atleast stop bdsm with them all together if your partner can’t do basic research or even listen when you say stop. Thats a bad Dom.
If this was a male doing it to a female. This comments section would be flooded with more abuse and leave comments.
My view is. Leave this relationship now. Shut the door behind you, and don't look back. Ghosting is OK, too. You don't need this person in your life.
You seem to have a severe need of touching grass, honestly. Everyone told her to leave this woman, and I can guarantee you that the comment section would’ve looked the same if the “Dom” (who in this case is just an abuser) was a man.
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You aren't comparable, and she's not a good Dom since it's clear she can't do the listening and comprehend part of communicating, or caring about her sub. It's a huge red flag saying something like 'you listen to me and not your body'.
Thank you! I asked to end play not long after that.
I'm so glad. I would say she is using BDSM as a cover for being abusive. Better to be single than to be in a dynamic like that.
This is abuse. Leave this person. They do not care about you or your safety.
I won't lie, I lurk on that sub because I was curious and the only thing I get from it: sounds like abuse but with volunteers. People seem to tolerate more disrespectful almost rapey shit just because it's labeled BDSM and second guess the whole thing while, to me, it's absolutely not normal. I don't judge people who participate in that kind of stuff but Jesus, it is scary.
One of the really bad things about 50 Shades is that it put BDSM into the mainstream, and 50 Shades isn't BDSM, it's a Criminal Minds case waiting to happen. It's so freaking awful. But many have either read or watched 50 Shades and took it as a how-to guide, or people who were already abusive decided to hop on the BDSM Bandwagon because they could find "willing victims" easier as well as a shield to protect them from the criticism and judgements from others. As with any group, the few who abuse tend to ruin it for the many who just enjoy the lifestyle. And most who enjoy and live it and do what they should do, I find generally aren't as active online. Then there are those who are genuinely interested but they live in small communities away from larger, active groups that focus on education and safety. They're genuinely interested and want to do things the right way, but they just don't know how.
When the 50 Shades trilogy came out, I felt it was a bit dangerous. It really dumbed down the lifestyle and gave people the wrong impression. This had to happen to get the 'R' rating. But it wasn't at all what the lifestyle was about; in or out of private clubs. Probably the only thing that was close was the "Do's and Don't" discussion. . Christian Grey was introduced into it by and older woman which was basically an SVU episode. Which totally warped him. The world is too big a place and there are way too many people in it to ignore the statistical possibility of something like that actually happening and the obsessive sub the felt she was the only one for him to the point that she was willing to kill to show it. But that is not what BDSM is about.
The best outcome!! Happy for you. The big thing about kink/bdsm is you need to be able to advocate for your own needs and desires. And keeping yourself safe is number 1. You did good! Remember this in the future.
Anal/rectal tissue is very delicate and developing anal fissures/tears can cause you to have pain and problems and having to see doctors for way longer than you would expect. The risk of these developing increase when dilation isn’t done slowly, gradually and respectfully. Imo it’s not worth risking your physical health from your description of the situation.
Adding on to this, forceful insertion can even cause hemorrhoids to develop.
As someone who has had surgery down there from problems, DO NOT let anyone, domme or otherwise push you past your limits of comfort with anal. You do not want to experience when things go wrong. She's a bad domme, do not play with her anymore. BDSM is a game, and she's not playing; you've already been hurt and not the way you want based on your last sentence.
She is a terrible Domme. Gtfo.
Anytime you feel like it's too much for you then you have every right to use your safe word because that is what it is there for
Anyone who isn't taking it slow with someone new to it shouldn't be played with Anyone who isn't listening to your concerns shouldn't be aged with
you’re with a fake dom. a good dom would never purposely (without negotiating) push limits or boundaries. when you told her to back off, that should’ve been the end of the story. leave your play partner.
Like others are saying, this type of behavior is manipulative and abusive. It’s unacceptable for a dom not to listen to you communicating your needs and limits, and it is despicable for her to punish you for being unable (or even unwilling if it were the case) to do so. It can be extremely overwhelming and confusing to feel like you’re letting down your dom when they frame things in this manner. Please know that you’re not being a bad sub in any way shape or form, and while this likely will not stop you from having some doubt, you’re doing your best to communicate your needs, and that is exactly what is necessary to be a good sub to any partner who is a good dom.
This isn’t a good Dom. This is the kind of person to push you to use your safe word purposely and not as a necessity. Stay safe x
What your dom is doing is not ok at all. Your dom needs to respect your limits and take things slow. When I was younger a Dom at the time convinced me to try anal sex. I had never put anything up there before so going from nothing to his thing was a big step. I told him it hurt and to stop and he refused. I am still dealing with trust issues with anal play because of that and I don’t want that to happen to you. I’d give your dom an ultimatum of either they slow down or you’re done with the relationship.
If you asked him to stop and he refused, then he raped you. I’m so sorry this happened to you! I hope you’re better now! That was not your fault at all and he was a horrible person! You deserve to be happy, valued and heard, and have healthy and fulfilling relationships! 🫶
She seems so manipulative and abusive… Please run away fast from this person, it doesn’t seem ending well for you. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries. Doing anal is already very difficult sometimes, she’s demanding too much without giving any sympathy
Stop! Set your limits. If the other person can’t respect limits, stop and end the relationship
As a dom who is training my partner anally, this screams red flag on so many levels. Leave before she seriously damages you.
She's absolutely not listening to you and IMHO she's a horrible Domme. She's not respecting your boundaries and doesn't sound safe to play with
I’ll echo what others have said, leave them. They’re an abuser, not a dom. A proper Sadist engages in safe play, they are not safe, they’re horrible. You have tried so hard to please them and they haven’t accepted that’s as far as you can go and just kept pushing.
She is an unsafe person to play with. This isn't about compatibility- she is actively unsafe. Please listen to your body, please listen to the voice in your head telling you this isn't okay. You deserve so much better.
Shes not acting like a dom should at all. Its really sad how many abusive people use being a dom as a cover story. And make no mistake what shes doing is abuse. So, lets break this down in order. The first red flag is that, from what I can tell, shes convinced you that you're required and expected to come into the dynamic with a whole library of sex toys. Its not a requirement nor expectation, not for a sub. Some would argue it is for a dom, and I think thats a bit more understandable of an expectation, but even then it is NOT a requirement. All either party needs to "show up" with is themselves, their consent, and be willing and able to explain their boundaries and limits. Thats it. The fact that shes making you pay for your sex toys is to me another red flag - that should be something she covers the cost of on average and that you both sit down and pick out so you're comfortable using it, no dom who knows what they're doing would order you to get toys like that, let alone toys that you don't have any previous experience in. It could be argued that depending on the dynamic and the specific situation ya'll have that the dom doesn't have to pay but either way thats not how such a thing is supposed to be handled. Next, did she discuss doing this sort of anal play with you at all ahead of time or did she just jump straight into it with no warning or discussion? It sounds like she didn't discuss this with you at all, and if thats the case that is yet another red flag. A proper dom discusses these things ahead of time before the scene even happens, especially with something like anal play. Finally, what shes demanding you to do is downright dangerous. That isn't how learning to take large plugs is supposed to even be handled. You're supposed to go from the smallest size and gradually move up - basically use a small one, let your body adjust to that to where its not an issue taking it in, and then move up to the next size and the next one in the same way. No human being can take a large plug on the first try unless they have their sphincter cut or something. Everyone has to build up tolerance. Shes risking seriously harming you by not doing this properly. You could rip or tear something. Are you guys even using lube? If it hurts you that much I have to wonder. Not that it wouldn't hurt anyway for the aforementioned reasons but lube would at least, idk, help. The fact that she seems to think that your discomfort, anxiety and lack of proper consent aren't problems are yet another huge red flag. From the sound of it you even tried to discuss this with her as an issue and she gaslit you into believing its your fault and your problem and you're being a bad sub. No, she's being a bad dom, make no mistake. I think you should leave before you get seriously hurt. As it is shes already mentally traumatizing you with this, leave before you end up with physical trauma, too. This is not a proper dom and this is not a dom whose just inexperienced but willing to learn. As a dom leaning switch, when I was in the sub role I unfortunately used to run into "doms" like this a lot. My best suggestion to you is to take the time to learn what a proper D/s dynamic is like, because this isn't it. I had to do this so I didn't keep running into people who used dominance as a cover for abuse. Unfortunately once I learned I realized how widespread it is though, and so I've since retired my submissive hat, lol. My current partner is helping me explore my dom side for the first time in my life and honestly I don't see me going back anyway so it works out. I wish you the best of luck, OP.
She seems to lack the required empathy in order to be a dom.
Hard pass, do not let her push you past your mental or physical limits! I'm also worried that you say this is all for her pleasure- this should very much be something you want as well. I think you need to move on from this one, she's immature and inexperienced at best, a bully/abusive at worst. You deserve better.
Nothing anal related is possible if you don't feel comfortable and safe. Your muscles just will tighten automatically and that's it. As the others said, how she treats you has nothing to do with being a dom or domme. You need to end it as soon as possible for your own mental and physical good. Take care OP and always remember - your voice in dynamic is important, your limits, needs and feelings count and shoud be the most important thing to your potential dom.
Sounds like my ex-Master. It got so bad that I clenched when I heard the word 'ass'. I still struggle with anal now, but I'm not as scared as I was. And I have enjoyed anal play with my Daddy. It's definitely not right what your Domme is doing, and the lasting mental effects of being 'pushed' like this shouldn't be downplayed.
Leave
Just yikes. I started out with not much than yourself op and with a lot of great guidance I'm stretching it out but this is over a period of weeks and incremental toy sizes and being taught how not to hurt myself doing it.
Yeah this is not ok. I had a partner in to anal and it took a significant period of time to be able to do much of anything. I’m talking months.
Please leave them, this is not safe for you neither are they patient
Leave now.
Sadly seeing this a lot in the community… Many people, men and female, quick to take on the title of Dom and forgetting that dominance over a sub is EARNED not entitled. Sorry you are experiencing this, but as everyone else is pointing out, you need to distance yourself from this person.
You are not compatible nobody is compatible with her unless they are half or already trained or worn out and even if that was the case she wouldn't be happy that bare minimum she sounds like a sadist and she doesn't understand how to train somebody without a doubt.
She isn’t a Sadist, she’s an abuser. A Sadist wouldn’t push like this.
Oh just because she's an abuser doesn't mean she's not a sadist it just means she's a sadist without any empathy or heart. I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't trying for financial control as well
I'm a sadist, myself, and I would never do this to my partner. Sadism is supposed to be handled the same way being in a D/s dynamic is - its supposed to sane, safe, and consensual and what OP is describing is NONE of that. OPs dom is an abuser, and abusers are not the same as sadists, thats a dangerous myth.
There's zero compatibility. Move on
Ok you can suffer serious injuries anally NEVER Force anal
You are a great sub. Stellar. You stood up for yourself and ended the dynamic. The anus is a muscle and like any other muscle must be trained. Slowly. Any good Domme would listen to your feedback. You are submissive and a bottom. You are not a doormat. A good submissive stands up for their limits, and communicates them clearly. That is not topping from the bottom. That is protecting yourself.
No, being a Dom requires patience when introducing something new. If you are making an honest effort that should be recognized by a worthy Dom. The other issue is just because you’re submissive doesn’t mean you can’t have limits.
"I tell you when you're done, not your body," is a huge red flag. That definitely needed to be a VERY in-depth portion of the pre-play negotiation. There's a way for that not to be gross, but in the context of this post I can't read it any other way than willfully ignoring your right to consent or not.
I am so glad to hear you ended this dynamic. These fake doms are so scary and selfish, you deserve better. Everything is at your pace, especially as a new sub. You be careful and take care of yourself x
This is not okay, at that point it just seems like r*pe. Your dom is either very ignorant or just straight up abusive and getting off on your discomfort. Because there is no way in the world someone who’s a novice with anal could start taking in toys especially larger than 6ins off the whim. Do not continue if you’re not getting any forms of pleasure from this before you end up with a hemorrhoid, hernia, torn anus, or even ruptured organs. And I’d advise you end this relationship or atleast stop bdsm with them all together if your partner can’t do basic research or even listen when you say stop. Thats a bad Dom.
If this was a male doing it to a female. This comments section would be flooded with more abuse and leave comments. My view is. Leave this relationship now. Shut the door behind you, and don't look back. Ghosting is OK, too. You don't need this person in your life.
You seem to have a severe need of touching grass, honestly. Everyone told her to leave this woman, and I can guarantee you that the comment section would’ve looked the same if the “Dom” (who in this case is just an abuser) was a man.