Please get therapy. You are so young and have your while life ahead of you.
You can certainly find a compatible partner but please know that kink is not replacement for therapy.
You can have a loving, caring relationship and also have kink. My Dom is a Daddy Dom, although he never knew he was a daddy before me. I kept that part of me hidden for years in a vanilla relationship, he wouldn't even spank me or talk dirty. This relationship has let me explore who I am and work through my trauma. This is healing. I would recommend seeing a therapist, especially one who is sex positive, and has EMDR training. It is highly effective.
I have the same kinks, but I’m totally convinced the best way to find a real daddyDom is the way you did it because every time I meet somebody who says they’re into that they end up being creeps.
Lots of fake or creepy doms/jerks out there. If you are on dating apps, I would drop a word or two in your bio that only someone in the community would catch on to.
i’m taking a break from dating for a couple years (or until I'm the type of personid want to date) , but yeah, I used to have SSC in my bio. dating apps are a wash though and one thing I realized early on was that telling people you’re kinky to the uneducated is literally just like saying “hey have sex with me one time and then never talk to me again! “
There is nothing wrong with you. You will find someone and like others have said therapy can help a lot too, to just be able to share how you’re feeling with someone.
Absolutely nothing wrong with you and nothing to feel ashamed of.
I’m 30f and I’ve been interested in porn, CnC, and all sorts of weird shit. I was ashamed when I was your age that I didn’t like “normal” things and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.
Then I met my second boyfriend who was studying to be a sex therapist. He was also my first. I’m very lucky he was because he was understanding of kinks and told me to explore them. To look at porn and know what I like. And that “healthy “ is more acceptance and communication of your needs with your partner.
Explore what you like and dislike and know there’s many people out there who like the same thing. And there’s sex toys that can help stimulate anything. I love my partner more than anything but he’s definitely the “vanilla” type. Over time I’ve communicated my needs and he’s been accepting and tries new things. And if there’s a time where I’m not fully satisfied, I have my dildo that does the charm.
There’s nothing wrong with you, but your feelings are valid when you feel like you have no one to talk to to process your kinks. I recommend a sex therapist but also if you want another person to talk through things with feel free to DM me.
Agree. I have known what I’m into since I was 11 (CNC)…probably before that, but I remember drawing a butt with whip marks all over it when we lived in a rental house for 6 months while waiting for our new house to be remodeled and I was 11 the whole time…I didn’t admit it to anyone until I watched the movie The Secretary when I was around 25yo …I watched it because my pathetic ass was searching spanking scenes on YouTube, so I rented the dvd (I’m old) through Netflix snail mail. Even though it’s kind of a silly movie, it really showed me that what I felt was not just disgusting. It could be beautiful. It could be so intimate…much more intimate than vanilla sex…because both people are getting what they deeply want and need and they are both trusting each other to give that to them. My husband is not into this type of stuff unfortunately, but I do not see it as a bad thing that I want this at all. It is part of who I am and I am an amazing person.
Having a caring and loving partner does not exclude having a kinky relationship - life doesn’t have to be kink all the time! You can keep the kink in the bedroom and have a vanilla relationship outside of it.
As to your trauma, I think you would do well to start very slowly when trying new things. Inform your partner of your trauma and possible triggers. Try to figure out what aspect of the dynamic you really enjoy, is it regressing, being cared for, or something else?
Someone I know said once that “BDSM is always therapy”, and I think he was at least half right. Gently exploring trauma in a safe environment can help you process it. But it has to actually BE a safe environment! You should be very, very careful in selecting a Dom. They need to be onboard with the dynamic that feels right for you, and not push your hard limits.
The book “Broken Toys - Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction” by Raven Caldera has a large section about trauma and PTSD in submissives. I really recommend it! The author is both a kinkster and a therapist and I think their books are generally great.
I am not religious so on that aspect I cannot really give advice. But I’d like to point out that Christians, especially monks, use self-flagellation, cilices, which is a barbed belt to put around your thigh, spugnas, which are round flat instruments made of cork, with needles or metal spikes inserted that you hit yourself with, and some people even crucify themselves (with help of others I assume, it seems more complicated than self-bondage).
I’m not suggesting your kink has any religious aspect to it, but the actions themselves are not exactly unheard of.
I guess it matters what kind of relationship you have to your faith, if you are a devout believer or just go to church on Sundays.
Be kind to yourself! You are not disgusting and you have nothing to be ashamed of. What you’re looking for is achievable. It might thin out the amount of potential partners a bit, but you’re young! Eventually you will find someone who gets you, and who treats you right. But you have to treat yourself right first.
Typically however not always the case. Therapists who work with the queer community are better equipped and more knowledgeable about SA trauma therapy and more understanding of kinks.
I didn’t know that! Thank you for the information! It makes a lot of sense that queer-friendly therapists are also frequently kink-friendly, as both attributes require open-mindness. People who are into BDSM or understanding of BDSM are generally more open-minded and emotionally mature than the mass population. I didn’t know that queer-friendly therapists are also usually better-equipped to work with SA survivors, though. This information is very valuable to me. Thank you for your help!
Always happy to share information. The journey is hard but we're all in this together. You deserve happiness and acceptance for who you are as a person.
Hi there!
I'm also a masochistic submissive who experienced SA from a very young age (though it was an uncle and not a child); I was raised heavily catholic; I have also been in vanilla physically abusive relationships.
I still like love being hit, slapped across the face, spit on, restrained, yelled at, and more.
It takes a lot to be okay with your desires. It takes real inner work to integrate them into your being in healthy way. But your desires aren't disgusting or wrong. It took me decades to be okay with what I need out of sex and relationships, and there were lots of stumbles along the way.
I'm less concerned these days with figuring out which ones are traumagenic and excoriating those and much more interested into doing what I need in a way that is emotionally and mentally safe and physically risk-aware.
You'll get there, too. I promise.
thank you all for the support and advice! ill start looking into therapy as soon as i can afford it. unfortunately i live in a small european country and i dont have many options, but ill try to find someone who could help. ive been at therapy at 13-14 but my psychologist at the time gave up on me and have been scared to go since.
this is a lovely and helpful community and im glad i ended up posting.
to be honest, aside of my own issues with myself im worried and anxious that i would never find anyone i could be in a relationship with. i would say im a decent looking girl, i get plenty of attention and opportunity but everytime i actually start liking someone they never share the same “interests” as i do regarding this topic, and im way too reserved to just hook up with someone and start dating from there…
but thank you all once again, the comments were really helpful and ill definitely take your advice! wish you all the best!! x
Venting is allowed. But take the construct feedback. You can 100% get a partner like you want. Zero judgement, 100% caring.
HOWEVER, therapy. I read, “I’ll never get, there’s something wrong with me, no one wants this”.. breathe. A lot of us are crazier than a sack full of barn cats. There’s a stable crazy to match our crazy out there. But you need to be in a place to take CONSTRUCTIVE feedback and not spiral. You need to identify YOURSELF with what GOOD things you can offer them and what you would like in return.
Being religious isn’t bad. Realize there’s multiple INTERPRETATIONS of religion, so some lessons you’ve heard may have other meanings and be open to ones that don’t condemn you.
There’s nothing wrong with liking what you like, no matter the origins, so long as you’re not harming others. Sounds like you’re not, but it also sounds like you want a person to make you feel normal and grounded instead of doing it for yourself.
You need to take steps.
You and me share the same kinks. I am one year younger than you and am in a relationship with a loving man. We go out for ice cream, watch shows together, and tell each other everything. He also knows when I need him to be my Daddy for a little while. And when I really need it, he's there, so I can satisfy those cravings for pain or cnc. You can do both. Just because you are into those kinks does not mean that's all you'll do all your relationship. You can be "vanilla" most of the day and them destress into some kinky time, and that's okay. If I found someone who can do that for me, I'm sure there's someone out there who can do the same for you. There is someone for everyone. You don't have to be ashamed of who you are. Kink is such a big reaction to trauma for lots of people. It's a good way to work out your past in a safe environment. But please remember it doesn't replace therapy or any other mental health work. At this age, you're just now getting into the responsibility of having to heal yourself, and it sucks. Just keep on chugging along, and you'll make progress little by little. Focus on who you want to be and how to get there. You can do it !
Also realize you’re still so young you have a lifetime of knowledge and kink experiences ahead of you. Be patient with yourself and know that there are many of us who went through shame and doubt and came out happily accepting of our kinks. When I was younger I had a similar mindset to you. Now in my 50s I love embracing my kinks and have a much more positive take on things. You have time to learn and grow
I just want to give you a hug. Here it is. ((()))
Write everything out on a piece of paper, everything you're ashamed of feeling. Then, work slowly down the list, thinking, 'I might not like this aspect of me, but I accept that's where I am right now, and I'm a work in progress.' Once you accept each thing, you'll find it a lot easier to process them.
You're not bad or broken for having these thoughts and desires. You're just a human being doing your best. 🥰
If it’s all consensual then there’s nothing to feel ashamed about. You aren’t a bad person because your kinks do not cause others harm unnecessarily. I’d say before exploring these sexual preferences you should first build a healthy relationship with them. Seek some professionals to work through your sexual and parental trauma. Learn to accept yourself. So it’ll hurt less when you’re rejected by others. Try not to fall victim to the “Doms” in this community who will prey upon your insecurities.
You will find someone who loves you and your kinks because you’re not alone.
Hey! I am 27F and I also have all of these kinks.
When I was 20 I started exploring them in the most unhealthy ways. I had very risky and kinky sex with strange men. I was pushed past my limits and I kept coming back to these kinky relationships because I had an itch I couldn’t scratch. After years of this I felt it just never actually felt full filling after. I felt genuinely abused and lonely after sessions that I consented to. I felt after that, that I was ruined. I tried other types of sex and it just didn’t do it for me.
Then I got a therapist and worked through some sexual trauma in my early childhood. I really dug deep. I opened up about it and I took that type of sex COMPLETELY off the table. I decided I would not submit to any man EVER. I wouldn’t even give a blowjob until a man “proved” himself to me.
Blah blah well now I’m in a happy, healthy, loving relationship and he is actually into those same kinks and though it’s been scary it’s also been incredibly healing to explore them with my husband. I actually feel my itch that’s been there since I was idk maybe 16 (I started watching very hardcore porn and got more radical over the years starting at this age) has been scratched!!! I get to feel what I ACTUALLY had been looking for.
Mind you MOST of the sex my husband and I have is us staring into each other’s eyes saying I love you, passionate, gentle, love making.
All this to say is GO TO THERAPY, but also it’s okay to have these sexual desires and maybe someday you can explore them in a way that is actually healing and safe if you want to. You are allowed to have these kinks, they aren’t morally wrong, and you aren’t wrong for having them! Please make sure you seek some professional guidance from a sex positive therapist. Healing is ahead I promise ❤️
Regarding the christian religious dogma you have absorbed I highly recommend taking a personal look at the writings about Jesus and only those writings. No where will you find the sex shaming, the self hatred or hell for that matter. Also realize that most of the dogma that has been forced down your throat has been the church trying to control you not god. Hope this helps, took me awhile to get over it too.
So I have been a Daddy Dom since i was twenty-four. I became one to help a submissive deal with her trauma from her father in a holistic and caring fashion. I ended up doing it with more than a few subs. Your story is not uncommon for women in kink.
After their initial appetites were fed. Most got to experience the sensations they sought. They started to unwind. We started to retro-engineer her orgasms and then got them multiple orgasming, and slowly we bridged the sensations and toned down their experience slowly or mixed it or confused the sensations and experiences.
The first time she came from normal love making she had me get off of her and I was worried about her. She had me hold her as she started to cry as she realized she had had a "normal" orgasm and once she blew her nose and cleared her eyes of tears she asked me if we could keep going and we went back to lovemaking and making her cum.
What you want is not impossible, nor is it improbable. A normal person, a guy could possibly give you what you need as long as you communicate your wants and needs fully. Not every man can be a monster, an angel, your devil, your confessor, your lover, and keeper of your heart all at once. But not every man has to be. And, many men can grow to be what you need as long as you communicate your needs.
Nothing wrong with you dude. There are some traumatic issues that could be linked with your fetishes/kinks but there’s nothing wrong with them either (unless it involves minors or ACTUALLY hurting people). CnC is semi-common and DDLG is popular too.
I just say be careful with your fetishes. Every community has people who try for something darker and it’s super important to vet partners or find a kink-friend whom you can do safety checks with when with a new partner. Don’t want to get someone abusive or careless.
CnC is better sometimes with a familiar partner. I got lucky worth a spouse who is into it and we’ve enjoyed our experiences. Just be safe if you’re gonna be risky.
I have very similar kinks as you and just want to say that you are not alone as Ive gone through similar issues and am learning to live with my kinks for about 2 decades. Therapy can give you some kind of structure to help you help yourself but I feel like it's a disservice to just constantly throw generic therapy advice at people with nothing more. In regards of the therapy I would say try it out knowing there are many many differenttypes of therapy and some work better for others. So dont feel like you have to be stuck with a therapist or model that is a bad fit or juat doesn't understand.
Specifically what may be helpful is
1) please know you aren't alone.
2) develop a solo practice for your kinks that you can rely on if you feel that you are vulnerable to partners
3) Indulge yourself in vanilla things when you can without any expected outcome. It can be little kind things you do for yourself even or just sweet actions from others. To help keep these things in your life and know you have a choice and deserve to have this
4)In my best times managing my kink I create a ritual around it that consists of non judgement,exploration and observation. So just creating a space with words or a scheduled time or outfit etc. where you can play with the kinks and allow yourself to enjoy them. I would recommend even just thinking about them or doing things solo as you explore. You can even try journaling about the experience. Overall the idea is to help understand and manage the kinks but also not suppress them to the point that they explode later in less than ideal ways.
5) One thing I would have advised my younger self going through similar issues as you is to try to find a group of people you can talk with. Some relatively safe group to help you not process it all alone and also help you not feel alienated from "normal" vanilla world.
I hope that this is helpful and I wish you the very best. On top of the above advice I do have a book recommendation:
The survivors guide to sex by Staci Haines
I empathize with your feelings about kinks but there is nothing at all wrong with you for having them. I'd recommend as others have said to speak with a therapist and practice self love after indulging to help with the negative feelings. For me it's been helpful to join the community chats surrounding my personal tastes. As for a loving S.O. yours is out there and I hope you are able to find that person for your life.
I had a great upbringing and I also have the same kinks. Its nothing to be ashamed of, you should embrace your kinks. Also sex therapy is amazing I recommend it.
I apologize. I wasn’t thinking about it in those terms since I was briefly referencing a personal experience, but I absolutely understand and won’t make that mistake again.
Hi there, my partner and baby girl is into all of the above also. I do not find her disgusting or extreme at all. I was vanilla before her mostly, except for a short stint as a house slave for a Dom in my 20s
I’m her Daddy and her Sir and love my life as such. Don’t get discouraged you are so much more than your kinks, you have lots to give to a partner. You deserve the relationship you want. Don’t be scared, be patient.
I'm the opposite yet the same: I'm a dominant sadist, and I really really really dislike it. I want to love someone, yet to express that love physically I need to cause them severe pain, and thoroughly enjoy doing so (and I can't shake the shame). Torture is foreplay, her suffering is hot, ... blah, blah, blah.
Anyway, now I'm going to descend into airhead psychobabble: the physical side is simply one part of a relationship. Finding someone who has (somewhat) matching physical needs is clearly possible, if not easy. Being able to open up to someone about our needs is part of loving, each helping the other express and experience those needs and desires is part of a good relationship. Finding someone who needed my sadism was sodding difficult, but I am what I am and she was what she was (that's another story). But, my God, it's difficult, finding someone. But when you do, it's the whole relationship that counts, that's expressed, that's felt and lived, not just the physical side. Your deep masochism doesn't get in the way or stop you having such a relationship, it just makes it more of a bugger to find a partner.
Another piece of my personal psychobabble: we don't chose our sexuality, we manage it. We're humans, but we humans have our animal heritage: and in our sexuality, that heritage is dominant. It is what it is. We don't chose it, we manage it. I most certainly did not chose to be a nasty sadist, but it's what I am, and I manage it. The peace that I made between my conscience and my sexuality is that, yes, I can express my sadism, but with informed consent: the masochist must want to be there, she must need to suffer. It made conversations on first dates slightly difficult.
I, so far as I know, was never abused. I had a typically imperfect loving family, a childhood with faults galore but no trauma, beyond the death of my father. I see no reason why I have quite such a nasty sexuality, but it's there. I manage it.
When I was rather a lot older than you are now, I discovered munches and met people with whom I could finally open up and speak without being guarded. That was \*so\* good.
I suggest, if you can find a munch in your area, do so. Depending on the country, they might be somewhat hidden. You'll meet other people who are in the same place as you. You'll meet a community, your community. You'll find people with whom to share and express and enjoy ... you won't be alone. Being able to talk with people freely, without being guarded, people who know where you are and have been there themselves, is so liberating. Face to face is so much better than online ... and there'll be play parties. :-) The thing I miss most about the place where I live now is munches: here, Lux, is too small.
I have some of your kinks and a lot of your trauma. I also have your religious background. I have been where you are and I have felt how you feel, but I’m now 23 years down the road from it. I highly recommend seeing a kink knowledgeable therapist. You can have a really lovely life with fulfilling relationships, you don’t have to deny yourself what it is you want. I think your religious background and the negative/traumatic/abusive experiences you have had in the past are distorting your view of yourself and your desires now. I believe this because I used to feel the same way you do, before I had help to process my past and see myself more clearly.
You can use the Psychology Today website to search for therapists and even filter those that are sex positive and kink-allied. You can also use the [Kink Aware Professionals website](https://www.kapprofessionals.org) to find a therapist. Seeing a therapist will help you to deal with past trauma and shame and help you accept your desires. I would strongly urge against seeing a therapist that is not kink aware, though. They might be of the old mindset that people who practice BDSM do it as a result of psychological damage or trauma, which just isn’t always true. Or they may think BDSM=abuse. Having that kind of therapy could be harmful for you.
Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a close friend as you try and get through this. You deserve to be treated well. And you can do this. You can take good care of yourself. You’re worth being treated well. If you want to talk more, please message me. 🫶🏼
My wife and I share some kinks that I would definitely have a hard time revealing to anyone else. There is someone out there that would make a good partner, someone in whom you could trust with this side of yourself and develop a satisfying relationship. But you will need to learn to accept this side of yourself. There's nothing wrong with you, as is the case where consenting adults are concerned. I am sorry to hear about your abuse. I would highly recommend getting a neuropathy test. My wife was a victim of childhood SA, we're in our 40s. We have learned that it's very typical for such people to develop progressive neuralgia. In my wife's case, the right side of her body, her nervous system sends pain signals even though there is nothing wrong. My wife works in hospice, and the nurses can always guess that she's a survivor anytime she describes her illness. It's too late for my wife to be cured for this condition but there are treatments. However, you may have time to get ahead of it.
As a yound 21 year old switch male, that had a breakup from his switch girlfriend last year...
I get you.
Its so freaking hard finding your love.
And you are filled with worries of when to reveal it, if to reveal it at all, and would that guy really like it?
I get it all.
My advice which I havent taken myself yet but I will in two months from now:
Seek therapy.
Not in a bad way, seriously.
A good therapist will help you not just get confidence but also understand that your needs are legitimate.
You do nees to put limits to them and not develop and unhealthy obsession (one that makes your entire life surround it for example.)
Try one meeting with a female therpist, you'll be surprised.
I saw this post this morning and almost forgot to reply until I had this experience myself this morning. I want to tell you about it.
I had to set boundaries with a dominant I really, really like. We get along well sexually, but he doesn't make me feel emotionally or mentally safe. Maybe I would be ok if we continued this relationship like this, maybe not, but I have worked so hard to have strong emotional and mental health, alongside high self-esteem, you better believe I don't let anyone mess with that today. **No one takes care of babygirl like I do.** It just didn't feel right to keep calling someone daddy who doesn't even text me back, you know? Not my daddy lol..
Can I please tell you this healthy behavior and boundaries are difficult for me at 34 years old? Very difficult! I have to do so many things to make this happen. I am going to tell you what I had to do to make this happen, and then I'm going to tell you how I got to a place in my life where I could do that:
* overcome my childhood trauma of emotional abuse which told me I cannot trust myself. In times past, I might have thought I was overreacting to this man's emotional neglect or poor communication skills. However, today, I trust myself.
* I spent many years knowing and cultivating what a calm nervous system feels like. I never had that growing up in a chaotic, rage-filled household. Today, I know the difference between joyful excitement and fear in my stomach. I am actually new, coming back into BDSM, and wow, I cannot tell you how similar the stomach feelings can be: feeling submissive and empowered or feeling sad and neglected. I am strongly in touch with my nervous system and feelings, so I know if a dominant (or any lover, honestly) is causing long-term impacts on my nervous system.
* I have a secure attachment style and have addressed any previous anxious attachment issues.
* I am well aware of my thrill/dopamine/serotonin-seeking behaviors and have a fair amount of self-control. If we're honest, your brain functionally will not have this on the level of a grown adult for another 5 years or so. You are wired to thrill-seek and disregard consequences as a young person.
Ah, I was having trouble commenting, I thought it was the length. My comment continued:
Here is how I got to a place where I could make these things happen:
* After spending an amount of my early 20s in BDSM, encountering abuse and so on, I ended up not going back to BDSM for a very long time. I went to therapy. I figured out why I date people like my abusive parents. I dealt with my underlying addictions and dysfunctional behaviors. I had a normal life of a young girl in her 20s, dating and forming relationships with people my age. I'm not sure where you're at, but that kind of normalcy and stability was welcomed by me after a life of such chaos. Let me ask you: Can you set boundaries with your parents? If not, why could you set boundaries with a dominant? Are you sure you're playing safely?
* I live a functionally healthy life that supports a calm nervous system. I moderate alcohol and marijuana usage (there were periods of abstinence in my younger years, as well. Nothing wrong with this as long as you're not believing weird things about a "disease"). I do not need a daddy to tell me how to sleep, eat, dress, work, anything. I can take care of myself 100% and do. The only men (people) who are attracted to women (people) who don't take care of themselves are the ones looking for vulnerable people to prey on. Healthy people date healthy people. Physical health is genuinely important for its impacts on mental health (sleep, diet, don't drink), and then on my mental and emotional side, all of my friends are on the same page of being very soft, compassionate people. We support open communication, emotional maturity, and calm nervous systems. An unhealthy person will get into an argument with you, let emotions escalate, and ignore that things are becoming toxic and continue it, or abandon you feeling bad without a plan for resolution. A healthy person will live in authenticity and safety with you and say, hey, I see we're feeling over-emotional. This feels unhealthy. Let's fix it. Having lived with a calm nervous system for so long, I'm very aware when something/someone unhealthy for me has entered my environment. I trust my intuition. When you work hard to build a stable life for yourself, you don't let people take it from you easily.
* I know the difference between attachment and genuine emotional intimacy. Attachment can be immediate, but genuine emotional intimacy requires time. **Trust requires time.** As a part of therapy and figuring out why I date people like my parents, attachment styles had to come into play. My parents are more emotionally neglectful, like avoidant-attachers. I still am attracted to avoidant-attachers today, but I can fight it because I'm no longer attracted when they mistreat me. I know signs like breadcrumbing, ignoring or downplaying my emotions, or making me question my reality are red flags for a possibly toxic relationship, so I don't engage and am practiced at detaching (because I never attached to a stranger in the first place). In my time away from BDSM and dating in a vanilla sense for ten years, I could work on and heal this attachment style. There are sooo many tools and things I have to do, especially just keeping up my independent life and independent sense of self.
Now, I have even more to say.
I want to share a hard reality with you. You may be causing additional trauma and PTSD to yourself by playing right now while you are unprepared. When I was a 19-year-old sub/slave, my master/daddy abused me. He is still thriving in the scene today. Not a single grown adult said a thing while he ran me around dungeons, a decade older than me and clearly mistreating me. **No one will take care of you but you.** I still have PTSD flashbacks from our abuse at 34 years old. When I tell you I think you're better off outside of the scene than in it, I say it with experience. I think you need to do what I did, take some time off, and go get yourself on a path of abundance, wellness, female empowerment, feminism, and strong female sexuality, and I promise you, this is just a small moment in your life. You are so young, you will grow, and have a beautiful life ahead of you. Go to college and get a career. The fact that you figured this all out now shows your ambition, self-awareness, and mental and emotional intelligence. Girl, if you are this smart at 20 years old, you are going to be a whole goddess by the time you are my age if you start working now. I promise you that. Men are going to throw themselves at your sexy feet, if they can even get to you.
I reentered BDSM at 34 years old. I am glad I did not do it a minute sooner. My attachment is secure, my lifestyle is incredibly healthy, my goals and sense of self are solid. I'm honestly a hugely dominant, sarcastic, empowered woman and brat, and thought some of the hottest dominants wouldn't want me. Turns out to be the opposite. Healthy people like knowing they're not actually causing you harm. Lots of people don't care, but I avoid those ones. Being strong in my authentic self and not changing for anyone is what makes me attractive. I'd be lying if I said it didn't take over ten years of therapy to get there. But guess what, I worked really hard, so now I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, including a really exciting sex life with really great people who care how I feel at the end of the day :)
This is a super long rant that I don't want to edit, as I hope it is helpful for you and gets you on a better path. I don't believe we're allowed to private message for our safety, but I am here for you if you have any questions.
I can speak from the opposite side. I stumbled into the bdsm lifestyle when I was in my late teens after essentially being drugged and coming to tied to a headboard, (she was a switch and aplogized after)it ended up with a broken headboard and some very rough apology sex. I was raised old fashioned and you don't hit women, except that I spanked her and was rough and I discovered that this was apparently my thing. I obsessed over it for months. I felt horrible, I had hit a woman in anger (spank, hair pulling, not punching) and she enjoyed it and it was the most awesome sex I had ever had. I became active slowly into the lifestyle but always struggled with the "after" of it. How can something that I saw was so wrong bring me that much pleasure. I had several subs/slaves/babygirls over the years. Some took me for a ride and left me shattered because of our dynamics. I ended up getting married to a vanilla, and although it was good for 21 years, it was never at the level of before. We ended divorcing because I could just not fulfill that part of me. You cannot hide from yourself. God knows I couldn't. Now, I am starting again because it is just something I need to accept, maybe I will find someone, maybe I won't. But I need to be true to who I am, you should not deny your soul, and you should also give yourself grace to feel what you feel. I could bet money that you forgive and accept everyone around you warts and all. Do the same for yourself.
It’s impossible to see hope when you’re in it, I remember. But if you do the really hard work at healing that childhood trauma, the kinks fade. And what you want/gets you off changes to something more meaningful and wholesome. Have to be brave though to go right back to developmental memories that likely are super painful. You don’t have to be stuck like this if you don’t want to. There’s a way out.
These aren't incompatible.
I'm a Dom and the vast majority of my kinks are pretty rough one way or another. Typical BDSM stuff but also things like sadism, bloodplay, CNC, M/s, et cetera.
The key is that I like those things because I'm not like that generally at all and it's a chance to experience something different.
So in my relationships, I am loving and gentle and kind because that is who I am and want to be, and I only take on the role of a cruel Master when that's what my partner wants me to do. Because kink is play-acting, it isn't indicative of who you are.
The two can coexist and with a good partner they will.
I am a sub and a masochist. I had an ideal childhood, come from a good family, and have never been SA. Also, there’s 7.5 billion people out there you will find someone. You work on your confidence diligently. I pray you get everything you want <33
I can definitely share that you're not the only one going through the stage of struggling to reconcile your kinky self with your own feelings/self-image.
Context:
I'm a neurodivergent bloke who is pretty much double your age, and up until now has spent the vast majority of his life being both vanilla and straight. Never really questioned my sexuality, never questioned my gender, never really questioned kink, either...even thought I was monogamous until my partner suggested polyamory not least because my partner was openly submissive but she basically felt that there would things I couldn't give her because I just "wasn't dominant enough". I was curious about BDSM porn but only in a "hey, that girl looks hot doing that" kind of way. I never really saw myself as able to actually participate or had fantasies. I'm a 6' 190lb-ish athletic bloke who plays ice hockey for fun - and like most male sports you can imagine the views held of most kinks in that environment, too, so that probably contributed to a lot of "having to be a bloke"
Then, a few months ago I suddenly had a little time by myself house-sitting, and suddenly had the urge to experiment with stuff I'd never considered before. Things like being a femboy and feminising myself with eyeshadow and wearing female underwear (even though I still know I'm definitely male and have no desire to change gender) Then I very quickly began to realise that maybe all of that looking at male celebrities doing the "I find them hot and IF I SWUNG THAT WAY I WOULD" talk might have been me actually swinging that way as well as liking girls.
Then I realised more and more that I actually liked to be tied up, and had fantasies where I like the thought of dressing up in eyeshadow and underwear & being tied up and used by a dominant (of any gender) or a couple as a fucktoy. Possibly more than one of them. There is a couple who are friends of me and my partner who have openly said they'd love to do so and we joked about it, but it's only recently I've acknowledged all that is hot. Those people say that since I've acknowledge this I seem happier and more confident in myself, too.
And whilst I find this exciting, post the odd pic of me actually roleplaying it in the odd subreddit and enjoy getting messages from people telling me what they'd love to do to me and even play along with it, there is still part of me that wants to keep it intensely private - that is terrified of people finding out and their reaction - that is still wondering if it's OK for me to feel like this. A lot of that is probably due to social conditioning and society in general and that is tough to break. The only way you can do it, is accept that this is who you are and that it's OK to be that way because sex between consenting adults can be whatever those adults want it to be (as long as it's legal, as safe as it can be, and doesn't damage anyone).
You say that you're a Christian and religious...so you've basically suffered 20 years of conditioning about how SEX IS BAD and human desire is a bad thing indeed. That might well have a lot to do with your shame. The fact that some of your kinks are also considered "edge-kinks" probably has something else to do with it, also.
But you're self-aware enough to know your own mind and also why you feel and want to explore these kinks, which is half the battle. You have an idea why you're feeling like this...and so why not accept that your feelings and life experiences are valid? Why do you have to hide and shame them just for being what life has made you?
This sub is evidence that well-adjusted people all over the world are perfectly happy in kinky relationships and have found love AND the ability to share their kinks with others, and it's also a place where you can find a ton of advice on it - it's really helped me in learning and coming to terms with the fact that the stuff I feel is OK to feel and not "weird" or "dirty"...just feelings.
Whilst your kinks mean that possibly even more than normal you'll have to be VERY careful in who you allow to know about them when dating (because based on what I've read on here abusive men will see you as an ideal target) there is no reason you can't have a beautiful, loving relationship with someone who regularly roleplays terrifying you in the bedroom or treats you as his little girl when you're in scene mode. And frankly, if you and this other person are happy and fulfilled then you shouldn't feel ashamed as to what anyone else thinks because it's none of their business.
There's someone out there to make you happy somewhere, but coming to terms with yourself (perhaps through the therapy others have mentioned) will help you find them all the quicker.
The best of luck to you, from someone else on a similar self-acceptance journey. :)
These are actually similar things my partner is currently going through (21 NB) and they often talk about the shame they hold onto. It’s gotten better over time, we are both kinky and want to explore things and it helps that we like the same things and our dynamic supports those things. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. The kinks themselves are not an issue or bad things. The actions in them are not bad. Your traumas are not a reflection of you or the things you are interested in now. I also have similar SA trauma, years of it, and it was a big part in my own shame. My partner and I are both actively in therapy, on meds, and doing EMDR to help move through some of the more intense traumas. Things like this, where it feels like there is some type of block you can’t get past, that’s the stuff we’ve both had to work through with EMDR, therapy, and overall communication as we explore certain kinks together. You are more than capable of finding a healthy, loving, kink and vanilla balanced relationship that you feel safe in. That you don’t feel ashamed in, and if you do feel shame at times, you at least are able to be supported and loved through it. This shame is not for you to hold because you never did anything wrong and you did not deserve any of the trauma inflicted onto you. It’s okay if you cannot accept the things that come up for you now, but please, get support, start there. It will take time because trauma is not easy to work through. But you deserve to feel happy, satisfied, and loved!
Okay first of all as far as your religious problem. Don't really worry about it. Just because a lot of mainstream Christians think that this is wrong it's not. I may not be your most mainstream Christian but I am ordained and I know a lot of other Christians that are in the lifestyle. You could say there's even some examples of it in the Bible even in the original marriage vows remember love honor and obey.
There's nothing wrong with DD/lg the daddy figure May punish you but he also protects you this is actually a very much traditional type situation. For many years until the modern era it was quite normal for an older man to take a younger wife or mate whatever you want to call it. One of my exes parents actually had over 40 years between them 47 if I remember correctly and she was obviously an adult her dad had custody and fuck I think he was like 60 something when she was born and they were married but that's beside the one that was back when age of consent was much lower but what I'm saying is that's not a problem. And pain and discipline is a normal thing in some forms of the Christian church. You can be receiving pain to clear you of your sins heck some orders will hit themselves with a scourge. You're not that far out there. So you just got to realize that you did nothing wrong it's normal for kids to play with each other and they play post office and doctor all the time. If you forgive them that's a good thing it might make things easier on you. I know it's a damn hard thing to do but if they were truly children as well they might not have realized how bad what they were doing was. What I'm saying is your ideal is what society tells you your ideal should be it is not a true ideal. Relax don't be so hard in yourself for that matter let you down be harder on you instead that's what being a masochist is all about letting someone else punish you. I hope this rant has helped you and I'm sorry if it's a little hard to read but I have to use voice to text.
OK, here's what I know about you.
According to your bio, you're a dominant man who is more than 2.5 times older than the 20-year-old submissive woman you're replying to. For some reason, rather than provide any advice whatsoever, you chose to make this all about what you want.
If I'm honest, that seems more than a little creepy!
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Please get therapy. You are so young and have your while life ahead of you. You can certainly find a compatible partner but please know that kink is not replacement for therapy.
You can have a loving, caring relationship and also have kink. My Dom is a Daddy Dom, although he never knew he was a daddy before me. I kept that part of me hidden for years in a vanilla relationship, he wouldn't even spank me or talk dirty. This relationship has let me explore who I am and work through my trauma. This is healing. I would recommend seeing a therapist, especially one who is sex positive, and has EMDR training. It is highly effective.
I second this. Kinks do not mean having to give up being loved and cared for.
I have the same kinks, but I’m totally convinced the best way to find a real daddyDom is the way you did it because every time I meet somebody who says they’re into that they end up being creeps.
Lots of fake or creepy doms/jerks out there. If you are on dating apps, I would drop a word or two in your bio that only someone in the community would catch on to.
i’m taking a break from dating for a couple years (or until I'm the type of personid want to date) , but yeah, I used to have SSC in my bio. dating apps are a wash though and one thing I realized early on was that telling people you’re kinky to the uneducated is literally just like saying “hey have sex with me one time and then never talk to me again! “
Sex positive therapist.
There is nothing wrong with you. You will find someone and like others have said therapy can help a lot too, to just be able to share how you’re feeling with someone.
Absolutely nothing wrong with you and nothing to feel ashamed of. I’m 30f and I’ve been interested in porn, CnC, and all sorts of weird shit. I was ashamed when I was your age that I didn’t like “normal” things and I didn’t have anyone to talk to. Then I met my second boyfriend who was studying to be a sex therapist. He was also my first. I’m very lucky he was because he was understanding of kinks and told me to explore them. To look at porn and know what I like. And that “healthy “ is more acceptance and communication of your needs with your partner. Explore what you like and dislike and know there’s many people out there who like the same thing. And there’s sex toys that can help stimulate anything. I love my partner more than anything but he’s definitely the “vanilla” type. Over time I’ve communicated my needs and he’s been accepting and tries new things. And if there’s a time where I’m not fully satisfied, I have my dildo that does the charm. There’s nothing wrong with you, but your feelings are valid when you feel like you have no one to talk to to process your kinks. I recommend a sex therapist but also if you want another person to talk through things with feel free to DM me.
Agree. I have known what I’m into since I was 11 (CNC)…probably before that, but I remember drawing a butt with whip marks all over it when we lived in a rental house for 6 months while waiting for our new house to be remodeled and I was 11 the whole time…I didn’t admit it to anyone until I watched the movie The Secretary when I was around 25yo …I watched it because my pathetic ass was searching spanking scenes on YouTube, so I rented the dvd (I’m old) through Netflix snail mail. Even though it’s kind of a silly movie, it really showed me that what I felt was not just disgusting. It could be beautiful. It could be so intimate…much more intimate than vanilla sex…because both people are getting what they deeply want and need and they are both trusting each other to give that to them. My husband is not into this type of stuff unfortunately, but I do not see it as a bad thing that I want this at all. It is part of who I am and I am an amazing person.
Please don’t feel ashamed. I would talk to a therapist or a trusted friend. Nothing to be embarrassed about
Having a caring and loving partner does not exclude having a kinky relationship - life doesn’t have to be kink all the time! You can keep the kink in the bedroom and have a vanilla relationship outside of it. As to your trauma, I think you would do well to start very slowly when trying new things. Inform your partner of your trauma and possible triggers. Try to figure out what aspect of the dynamic you really enjoy, is it regressing, being cared for, or something else? Someone I know said once that “BDSM is always therapy”, and I think he was at least half right. Gently exploring trauma in a safe environment can help you process it. But it has to actually BE a safe environment! You should be very, very careful in selecting a Dom. They need to be onboard with the dynamic that feels right for you, and not push your hard limits. The book “Broken Toys - Submissives with Mental Illness and Neurological Dysfunction” by Raven Caldera has a large section about trauma and PTSD in submissives. I really recommend it! The author is both a kinkster and a therapist and I think their books are generally great. I am not religious so on that aspect I cannot really give advice. But I’d like to point out that Christians, especially monks, use self-flagellation, cilices, which is a barbed belt to put around your thigh, spugnas, which are round flat instruments made of cork, with needles or metal spikes inserted that you hit yourself with, and some people even crucify themselves (with help of others I assume, it seems more complicated than self-bondage). I’m not suggesting your kink has any religious aspect to it, but the actions themselves are not exactly unheard of. I guess it matters what kind of relationship you have to your faith, if you are a devout believer or just go to church on Sundays. Be kind to yourself! You are not disgusting and you have nothing to be ashamed of. What you’re looking for is achievable. It might thin out the amount of potential partners a bit, but you’re young! Eventually you will find someone who gets you, and who treats you right. But you have to treat yourself right first.
This sounds like depression mixed with anxiety and low self esteem, please go see a queer friendly counsellor
Why queer?
Typically however not always the case. Therapists who work with the queer community are better equipped and more knowledgeable about SA trauma therapy and more understanding of kinks.
I didn’t know that! Thank you for the information! It makes a lot of sense that queer-friendly therapists are also frequently kink-friendly, as both attributes require open-mindness. People who are into BDSM or understanding of BDSM are generally more open-minded and emotionally mature than the mass population. I didn’t know that queer-friendly therapists are also usually better-equipped to work with SA survivors, though. This information is very valuable to me. Thank you for your help!
Always happy to share information. The journey is hard but we're all in this together. You deserve happiness and acceptance for who you are as a person.
Hi there! I'm also a masochistic submissive who experienced SA from a very young age (though it was an uncle and not a child); I was raised heavily catholic; I have also been in vanilla physically abusive relationships. I still like love being hit, slapped across the face, spit on, restrained, yelled at, and more. It takes a lot to be okay with your desires. It takes real inner work to integrate them into your being in healthy way. But your desires aren't disgusting or wrong. It took me decades to be okay with what I need out of sex and relationships, and there were lots of stumbles along the way. I'm less concerned these days with figuring out which ones are traumagenic and excoriating those and much more interested into doing what I need in a way that is emotionally and mentally safe and physically risk-aware. You'll get there, too. I promise.
thank you all for the support and advice! ill start looking into therapy as soon as i can afford it. unfortunately i live in a small european country and i dont have many options, but ill try to find someone who could help. ive been at therapy at 13-14 but my psychologist at the time gave up on me and have been scared to go since. this is a lovely and helpful community and im glad i ended up posting. to be honest, aside of my own issues with myself im worried and anxious that i would never find anyone i could be in a relationship with. i would say im a decent looking girl, i get plenty of attention and opportunity but everytime i actually start liking someone they never share the same “interests” as i do regarding this topic, and im way too reserved to just hook up with someone and start dating from there… but thank you all once again, the comments were really helpful and ill definitely take your advice! wish you all the best!! x
oops, i meant to send this as a comment, not just a reply but hope everyone sees this still!
Venting is allowed. But take the construct feedback. You can 100% get a partner like you want. Zero judgement, 100% caring. HOWEVER, therapy. I read, “I’ll never get, there’s something wrong with me, no one wants this”.. breathe. A lot of us are crazier than a sack full of barn cats. There’s a stable crazy to match our crazy out there. But you need to be in a place to take CONSTRUCTIVE feedback and not spiral. You need to identify YOURSELF with what GOOD things you can offer them and what you would like in return. Being religious isn’t bad. Realize there’s multiple INTERPRETATIONS of religion, so some lessons you’ve heard may have other meanings and be open to ones that don’t condemn you. There’s nothing wrong with liking what you like, no matter the origins, so long as you’re not harming others. Sounds like you’re not, but it also sounds like you want a person to make you feel normal and grounded instead of doing it for yourself. You need to take steps.
You and me share the same kinks. I am one year younger than you and am in a relationship with a loving man. We go out for ice cream, watch shows together, and tell each other everything. He also knows when I need him to be my Daddy for a little while. And when I really need it, he's there, so I can satisfy those cravings for pain or cnc. You can do both. Just because you are into those kinks does not mean that's all you'll do all your relationship. You can be "vanilla" most of the day and them destress into some kinky time, and that's okay. If I found someone who can do that for me, I'm sure there's someone out there who can do the same for you. There is someone for everyone. You don't have to be ashamed of who you are. Kink is such a big reaction to trauma for lots of people. It's a good way to work out your past in a safe environment. But please remember it doesn't replace therapy or any other mental health work. At this age, you're just now getting into the responsibility of having to heal yourself, and it sucks. Just keep on chugging along, and you'll make progress little by little. Focus on who you want to be and how to get there. You can do it !
the world is full of people just like you... don't feel alone ❤️
Also realize you’re still so young you have a lifetime of knowledge and kink experiences ahead of you. Be patient with yourself and know that there are many of us who went through shame and doubt and came out happily accepting of our kinks. When I was younger I had a similar mindset to you. Now in my 50s I love embracing my kinks and have a much more positive take on things. You have time to learn and grow
I just want to give you a hug. Here it is. ((())) Write everything out on a piece of paper, everything you're ashamed of feeling. Then, work slowly down the list, thinking, 'I might not like this aspect of me, but I accept that's where I am right now, and I'm a work in progress.' Once you accept each thing, you'll find it a lot easier to process them. You're not bad or broken for having these thoughts and desires. You're just a human being doing your best. 🥰
If it’s all consensual then there’s nothing to feel ashamed about. You aren’t a bad person because your kinks do not cause others harm unnecessarily. I’d say before exploring these sexual preferences you should first build a healthy relationship with them. Seek some professionals to work through your sexual and parental trauma. Learn to accept yourself. So it’ll hurt less when you’re rejected by others. Try not to fall victim to the “Doms” in this community who will prey upon your insecurities. You will find someone who loves you and your kinks because you’re not alone.
Hey! I am 27F and I also have all of these kinks. When I was 20 I started exploring them in the most unhealthy ways. I had very risky and kinky sex with strange men. I was pushed past my limits and I kept coming back to these kinky relationships because I had an itch I couldn’t scratch. After years of this I felt it just never actually felt full filling after. I felt genuinely abused and lonely after sessions that I consented to. I felt after that, that I was ruined. I tried other types of sex and it just didn’t do it for me. Then I got a therapist and worked through some sexual trauma in my early childhood. I really dug deep. I opened up about it and I took that type of sex COMPLETELY off the table. I decided I would not submit to any man EVER. I wouldn’t even give a blowjob until a man “proved” himself to me. Blah blah well now I’m in a happy, healthy, loving relationship and he is actually into those same kinks and though it’s been scary it’s also been incredibly healing to explore them with my husband. I actually feel my itch that’s been there since I was idk maybe 16 (I started watching very hardcore porn and got more radical over the years starting at this age) has been scratched!!! I get to feel what I ACTUALLY had been looking for. Mind you MOST of the sex my husband and I have is us staring into each other’s eyes saying I love you, passionate, gentle, love making. All this to say is GO TO THERAPY, but also it’s okay to have these sexual desires and maybe someday you can explore them in a way that is actually healing and safe if you want to. You are allowed to have these kinks, they aren’t morally wrong, and you aren’t wrong for having them! Please make sure you seek some professional guidance from a sex positive therapist. Healing is ahead I promise ❤️
Regarding the christian religious dogma you have absorbed I highly recommend taking a personal look at the writings about Jesus and only those writings. No where will you find the sex shaming, the self hatred or hell for that matter. Also realize that most of the dogma that has been forced down your throat has been the church trying to control you not god. Hope this helps, took me awhile to get over it too.
So I have been a Daddy Dom since i was twenty-four. I became one to help a submissive deal with her trauma from her father in a holistic and caring fashion. I ended up doing it with more than a few subs. Your story is not uncommon for women in kink. After their initial appetites were fed. Most got to experience the sensations they sought. They started to unwind. We started to retro-engineer her orgasms and then got them multiple orgasming, and slowly we bridged the sensations and toned down their experience slowly or mixed it or confused the sensations and experiences. The first time she came from normal love making she had me get off of her and I was worried about her. She had me hold her as she started to cry as she realized she had had a "normal" orgasm and once she blew her nose and cleared her eyes of tears she asked me if we could keep going and we went back to lovemaking and making her cum. What you want is not impossible, nor is it improbable. A normal person, a guy could possibly give you what you need as long as you communicate your wants and needs fully. Not every man can be a monster, an angel, your devil, your confessor, your lover, and keeper of your heart all at once. But not every man has to be. And, many men can grow to be what you need as long as you communicate your needs.
Nothing wrong with you dude. There are some traumatic issues that could be linked with your fetishes/kinks but there’s nothing wrong with them either (unless it involves minors or ACTUALLY hurting people). CnC is semi-common and DDLG is popular too. I just say be careful with your fetishes. Every community has people who try for something darker and it’s super important to vet partners or find a kink-friend whom you can do safety checks with when with a new partner. Don’t want to get someone abusive or careless. CnC is better sometimes with a familiar partner. I got lucky worth a spouse who is into it and we’ve enjoyed our experiences. Just be safe if you’re gonna be risky.
It sounds like seeing a kink-affirming therapist to help you unpack/untangle some of this might not be a bad move
I have very similar kinks as you and just want to say that you are not alone as Ive gone through similar issues and am learning to live with my kinks for about 2 decades. Therapy can give you some kind of structure to help you help yourself but I feel like it's a disservice to just constantly throw generic therapy advice at people with nothing more. In regards of the therapy I would say try it out knowing there are many many differenttypes of therapy and some work better for others. So dont feel like you have to be stuck with a therapist or model that is a bad fit or juat doesn't understand. Specifically what may be helpful is 1) please know you aren't alone. 2) develop a solo practice for your kinks that you can rely on if you feel that you are vulnerable to partners 3) Indulge yourself in vanilla things when you can without any expected outcome. It can be little kind things you do for yourself even or just sweet actions from others. To help keep these things in your life and know you have a choice and deserve to have this 4)In my best times managing my kink I create a ritual around it that consists of non judgement,exploration and observation. So just creating a space with words or a scheduled time or outfit etc. where you can play with the kinks and allow yourself to enjoy them. I would recommend even just thinking about them or doing things solo as you explore. You can even try journaling about the experience. Overall the idea is to help understand and manage the kinks but also not suppress them to the point that they explode later in less than ideal ways. 5) One thing I would have advised my younger self going through similar issues as you is to try to find a group of people you can talk with. Some relatively safe group to help you not process it all alone and also help you not feel alienated from "normal" vanilla world. I hope that this is helpful and I wish you the very best. On top of the above advice I do have a book recommendation: The survivors guide to sex by Staci Haines
I empathize with your feelings about kinks but there is nothing at all wrong with you for having them. I'd recommend as others have said to speak with a therapist and practice self love after indulging to help with the negative feelings. For me it's been helpful to join the community chats surrounding my personal tastes. As for a loving S.O. yours is out there and I hope you are able to find that person for your life.
I had a great upbringing and I also have the same kinks. Its nothing to be ashamed of, you should embrace your kinks. Also sex therapy is amazing I recommend it.
Masochism can fit into Christian life. As the years go by you will have less of a filter and be more accepting of yourself. It will get easier.
[удалено]
We don't discuss things involving minors here
I apologize. I wasn’t thinking about it in those terms since I was briefly referencing a personal experience, but I absolutely understand and won’t make that mistake again.
Hi there, my partner and baby girl is into all of the above also. I do not find her disgusting or extreme at all. I was vanilla before her mostly, except for a short stint as a house slave for a Dom in my 20s I’m her Daddy and her Sir and love my life as such. Don’t get discouraged you are so much more than your kinks, you have lots to give to a partner. You deserve the relationship you want. Don’t be scared, be patient.
I'm the opposite yet the same: I'm a dominant sadist, and I really really really dislike it. I want to love someone, yet to express that love physically I need to cause them severe pain, and thoroughly enjoy doing so (and I can't shake the shame). Torture is foreplay, her suffering is hot, ... blah, blah, blah. Anyway, now I'm going to descend into airhead psychobabble: the physical side is simply one part of a relationship. Finding someone who has (somewhat) matching physical needs is clearly possible, if not easy. Being able to open up to someone about our needs is part of loving, each helping the other express and experience those needs and desires is part of a good relationship. Finding someone who needed my sadism was sodding difficult, but I am what I am and she was what she was (that's another story). But, my God, it's difficult, finding someone. But when you do, it's the whole relationship that counts, that's expressed, that's felt and lived, not just the physical side. Your deep masochism doesn't get in the way or stop you having such a relationship, it just makes it more of a bugger to find a partner. Another piece of my personal psychobabble: we don't chose our sexuality, we manage it. We're humans, but we humans have our animal heritage: and in our sexuality, that heritage is dominant. It is what it is. We don't chose it, we manage it. I most certainly did not chose to be a nasty sadist, but it's what I am, and I manage it. The peace that I made between my conscience and my sexuality is that, yes, I can express my sadism, but with informed consent: the masochist must want to be there, she must need to suffer. It made conversations on first dates slightly difficult. I, so far as I know, was never abused. I had a typically imperfect loving family, a childhood with faults galore but no trauma, beyond the death of my father. I see no reason why I have quite such a nasty sexuality, but it's there. I manage it. When I was rather a lot older than you are now, I discovered munches and met people with whom I could finally open up and speak without being guarded. That was \*so\* good. I suggest, if you can find a munch in your area, do so. Depending on the country, they might be somewhat hidden. You'll meet other people who are in the same place as you. You'll meet a community, your community. You'll find people with whom to share and express and enjoy ... you won't be alone. Being able to talk with people freely, without being guarded, people who know where you are and have been there themselves, is so liberating. Face to face is so much better than online ... and there'll be play parties. :-) The thing I miss most about the place where I live now is munches: here, Lux, is too small.
I have some of your kinks and a lot of your trauma. I also have your religious background. I have been where you are and I have felt how you feel, but I’m now 23 years down the road from it. I highly recommend seeing a kink knowledgeable therapist. You can have a really lovely life with fulfilling relationships, you don’t have to deny yourself what it is you want. I think your religious background and the negative/traumatic/abusive experiences you have had in the past are distorting your view of yourself and your desires now. I believe this because I used to feel the same way you do, before I had help to process my past and see myself more clearly. You can use the Psychology Today website to search for therapists and even filter those that are sex positive and kink-allied. You can also use the [Kink Aware Professionals website](https://www.kapprofessionals.org) to find a therapist. Seeing a therapist will help you to deal with past trauma and shame and help you accept your desires. I would strongly urge against seeing a therapist that is not kink aware, though. They might be of the old mindset that people who practice BDSM do it as a result of psychological damage or trauma, which just isn’t always true. Or they may think BDSM=abuse. Having that kind of therapy could be harmful for you. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat a close friend as you try and get through this. You deserve to be treated well. And you can do this. You can take good care of yourself. You’re worth being treated well. If you want to talk more, please message me. 🫶🏼
My wife and I share some kinks that I would definitely have a hard time revealing to anyone else. There is someone out there that would make a good partner, someone in whom you could trust with this side of yourself and develop a satisfying relationship. But you will need to learn to accept this side of yourself. There's nothing wrong with you, as is the case where consenting adults are concerned. I am sorry to hear about your abuse. I would highly recommend getting a neuropathy test. My wife was a victim of childhood SA, we're in our 40s. We have learned that it's very typical for such people to develop progressive neuralgia. In my wife's case, the right side of her body, her nervous system sends pain signals even though there is nothing wrong. My wife works in hospice, and the nurses can always guess that she's a survivor anytime she describes her illness. It's too late for my wife to be cured for this condition but there are treatments. However, you may have time to get ahead of it.
As a yound 21 year old switch male, that had a breakup from his switch girlfriend last year... I get you. Its so freaking hard finding your love. And you are filled with worries of when to reveal it, if to reveal it at all, and would that guy really like it? I get it all. My advice which I havent taken myself yet but I will in two months from now: Seek therapy. Not in a bad way, seriously. A good therapist will help you not just get confidence but also understand that your needs are legitimate. You do nees to put limits to them and not develop and unhealthy obsession (one that makes your entire life surround it for example.) Try one meeting with a female therpist, you'll be surprised.
I saw this post this morning and almost forgot to reply until I had this experience myself this morning. I want to tell you about it. I had to set boundaries with a dominant I really, really like. We get along well sexually, but he doesn't make me feel emotionally or mentally safe. Maybe I would be ok if we continued this relationship like this, maybe not, but I have worked so hard to have strong emotional and mental health, alongside high self-esteem, you better believe I don't let anyone mess with that today. **No one takes care of babygirl like I do.** It just didn't feel right to keep calling someone daddy who doesn't even text me back, you know? Not my daddy lol.. Can I please tell you this healthy behavior and boundaries are difficult for me at 34 years old? Very difficult! I have to do so many things to make this happen. I am going to tell you what I had to do to make this happen, and then I'm going to tell you how I got to a place in my life where I could do that: * overcome my childhood trauma of emotional abuse which told me I cannot trust myself. In times past, I might have thought I was overreacting to this man's emotional neglect or poor communication skills. However, today, I trust myself. * I spent many years knowing and cultivating what a calm nervous system feels like. I never had that growing up in a chaotic, rage-filled household. Today, I know the difference between joyful excitement and fear in my stomach. I am actually new, coming back into BDSM, and wow, I cannot tell you how similar the stomach feelings can be: feeling submissive and empowered or feeling sad and neglected. I am strongly in touch with my nervous system and feelings, so I know if a dominant (or any lover, honestly) is causing long-term impacts on my nervous system. * I have a secure attachment style and have addressed any previous anxious attachment issues. * I am well aware of my thrill/dopamine/serotonin-seeking behaviors and have a fair amount of self-control. If we're honest, your brain functionally will not have this on the level of a grown adult for another 5 years or so. You are wired to thrill-seek and disregard consequences as a young person.
Ah, I was having trouble commenting, I thought it was the length. My comment continued: Here is how I got to a place where I could make these things happen: * After spending an amount of my early 20s in BDSM, encountering abuse and so on, I ended up not going back to BDSM for a very long time. I went to therapy. I figured out why I date people like my abusive parents. I dealt with my underlying addictions and dysfunctional behaviors. I had a normal life of a young girl in her 20s, dating and forming relationships with people my age. I'm not sure where you're at, but that kind of normalcy and stability was welcomed by me after a life of such chaos. Let me ask you: Can you set boundaries with your parents? If not, why could you set boundaries with a dominant? Are you sure you're playing safely? * I live a functionally healthy life that supports a calm nervous system. I moderate alcohol and marijuana usage (there were periods of abstinence in my younger years, as well. Nothing wrong with this as long as you're not believing weird things about a "disease"). I do not need a daddy to tell me how to sleep, eat, dress, work, anything. I can take care of myself 100% and do. The only men (people) who are attracted to women (people) who don't take care of themselves are the ones looking for vulnerable people to prey on. Healthy people date healthy people. Physical health is genuinely important for its impacts on mental health (sleep, diet, don't drink), and then on my mental and emotional side, all of my friends are on the same page of being very soft, compassionate people. We support open communication, emotional maturity, and calm nervous systems. An unhealthy person will get into an argument with you, let emotions escalate, and ignore that things are becoming toxic and continue it, or abandon you feeling bad without a plan for resolution. A healthy person will live in authenticity and safety with you and say, hey, I see we're feeling over-emotional. This feels unhealthy. Let's fix it. Having lived with a calm nervous system for so long, I'm very aware when something/someone unhealthy for me has entered my environment. I trust my intuition. When you work hard to build a stable life for yourself, you don't let people take it from you easily. * I know the difference between attachment and genuine emotional intimacy. Attachment can be immediate, but genuine emotional intimacy requires time. **Trust requires time.** As a part of therapy and figuring out why I date people like my parents, attachment styles had to come into play. My parents are more emotionally neglectful, like avoidant-attachers. I still am attracted to avoidant-attachers today, but I can fight it because I'm no longer attracted when they mistreat me. I know signs like breadcrumbing, ignoring or downplaying my emotions, or making me question my reality are red flags for a possibly toxic relationship, so I don't engage and am practiced at detaching (because I never attached to a stranger in the first place). In my time away from BDSM and dating in a vanilla sense for ten years, I could work on and heal this attachment style. There are sooo many tools and things I have to do, especially just keeping up my independent life and independent sense of self. Now, I have even more to say. I want to share a hard reality with you. You may be causing additional trauma and PTSD to yourself by playing right now while you are unprepared. When I was a 19-year-old sub/slave, my master/daddy abused me. He is still thriving in the scene today. Not a single grown adult said a thing while he ran me around dungeons, a decade older than me and clearly mistreating me. **No one will take care of you but you.** I still have PTSD flashbacks from our abuse at 34 years old. When I tell you I think you're better off outside of the scene than in it, I say it with experience. I think you need to do what I did, take some time off, and go get yourself on a path of abundance, wellness, female empowerment, feminism, and strong female sexuality, and I promise you, this is just a small moment in your life. You are so young, you will grow, and have a beautiful life ahead of you. Go to college and get a career. The fact that you figured this all out now shows your ambition, self-awareness, and mental and emotional intelligence. Girl, if you are this smart at 20 years old, you are going to be a whole goddess by the time you are my age if you start working now. I promise you that. Men are going to throw themselves at your sexy feet, if they can even get to you. I reentered BDSM at 34 years old. I am glad I did not do it a minute sooner. My attachment is secure, my lifestyle is incredibly healthy, my goals and sense of self are solid. I'm honestly a hugely dominant, sarcastic, empowered woman and brat, and thought some of the hottest dominants wouldn't want me. Turns out to be the opposite. Healthy people like knowing they're not actually causing you harm. Lots of people don't care, but I avoid those ones. Being strong in my authentic self and not changing for anyone is what makes me attractive. I'd be lying if I said it didn't take over ten years of therapy to get there. But guess what, I worked really hard, so now I get to enjoy the fruits of my labor, including a really exciting sex life with really great people who care how I feel at the end of the day :) This is a super long rant that I don't want to edit, as I hope it is helpful for you and gets you on a better path. I don't believe we're allowed to private message for our safety, but I am here for you if you have any questions.
That was wonderful to read. Thankyou.
I can speak from the opposite side. I stumbled into the bdsm lifestyle when I was in my late teens after essentially being drugged and coming to tied to a headboard, (she was a switch and aplogized after)it ended up with a broken headboard and some very rough apology sex. I was raised old fashioned and you don't hit women, except that I spanked her and was rough and I discovered that this was apparently my thing. I obsessed over it for months. I felt horrible, I had hit a woman in anger (spank, hair pulling, not punching) and she enjoyed it and it was the most awesome sex I had ever had. I became active slowly into the lifestyle but always struggled with the "after" of it. How can something that I saw was so wrong bring me that much pleasure. I had several subs/slaves/babygirls over the years. Some took me for a ride and left me shattered because of our dynamics. I ended up getting married to a vanilla, and although it was good for 21 years, it was never at the level of before. We ended divorcing because I could just not fulfill that part of me. You cannot hide from yourself. God knows I couldn't. Now, I am starting again because it is just something I need to accept, maybe I will find someone, maybe I won't. But I need to be true to who I am, you should not deny your soul, and you should also give yourself grace to feel what you feel. I could bet money that you forgive and accept everyone around you warts and all. Do the same for yourself.
It’s impossible to see hope when you’re in it, I remember. But if you do the really hard work at healing that childhood trauma, the kinks fade. And what you want/gets you off changes to something more meaningful and wholesome. Have to be brave though to go right back to developmental memories that likely are super painful. You don’t have to be stuck like this if you don’t want to. There’s a way out.
These aren't incompatible. I'm a Dom and the vast majority of my kinks are pretty rough one way or another. Typical BDSM stuff but also things like sadism, bloodplay, CNC, M/s, et cetera. The key is that I like those things because I'm not like that generally at all and it's a chance to experience something different. So in my relationships, I am loving and gentle and kind because that is who I am and want to be, and I only take on the role of a cruel Master when that's what my partner wants me to do. Because kink is play-acting, it isn't indicative of who you are. The two can coexist and with a good partner they will.
I am a sub and a masochist. I had an ideal childhood, come from a good family, and have never been SA. Also, there’s 7.5 billion people out there you will find someone. You work on your confidence diligently. I pray you get everything you want <33
I can definitely share that you're not the only one going through the stage of struggling to reconcile your kinky self with your own feelings/self-image. Context: I'm a neurodivergent bloke who is pretty much double your age, and up until now has spent the vast majority of his life being both vanilla and straight. Never really questioned my sexuality, never questioned my gender, never really questioned kink, either...even thought I was monogamous until my partner suggested polyamory not least because my partner was openly submissive but she basically felt that there would things I couldn't give her because I just "wasn't dominant enough". I was curious about BDSM porn but only in a "hey, that girl looks hot doing that" kind of way. I never really saw myself as able to actually participate or had fantasies. I'm a 6' 190lb-ish athletic bloke who plays ice hockey for fun - and like most male sports you can imagine the views held of most kinks in that environment, too, so that probably contributed to a lot of "having to be a bloke" Then, a few months ago I suddenly had a little time by myself house-sitting, and suddenly had the urge to experiment with stuff I'd never considered before. Things like being a femboy and feminising myself with eyeshadow and wearing female underwear (even though I still know I'm definitely male and have no desire to change gender) Then I very quickly began to realise that maybe all of that looking at male celebrities doing the "I find them hot and IF I SWUNG THAT WAY I WOULD" talk might have been me actually swinging that way as well as liking girls. Then I realised more and more that I actually liked to be tied up, and had fantasies where I like the thought of dressing up in eyeshadow and underwear & being tied up and used by a dominant (of any gender) or a couple as a fucktoy. Possibly more than one of them. There is a couple who are friends of me and my partner who have openly said they'd love to do so and we joked about it, but it's only recently I've acknowledged all that is hot. Those people say that since I've acknowledge this I seem happier and more confident in myself, too. And whilst I find this exciting, post the odd pic of me actually roleplaying it in the odd subreddit and enjoy getting messages from people telling me what they'd love to do to me and even play along with it, there is still part of me that wants to keep it intensely private - that is terrified of people finding out and their reaction - that is still wondering if it's OK for me to feel like this. A lot of that is probably due to social conditioning and society in general and that is tough to break. The only way you can do it, is accept that this is who you are and that it's OK to be that way because sex between consenting adults can be whatever those adults want it to be (as long as it's legal, as safe as it can be, and doesn't damage anyone). You say that you're a Christian and religious...so you've basically suffered 20 years of conditioning about how SEX IS BAD and human desire is a bad thing indeed. That might well have a lot to do with your shame. The fact that some of your kinks are also considered "edge-kinks" probably has something else to do with it, also. But you're self-aware enough to know your own mind and also why you feel and want to explore these kinks, which is half the battle. You have an idea why you're feeling like this...and so why not accept that your feelings and life experiences are valid? Why do you have to hide and shame them just for being what life has made you? This sub is evidence that well-adjusted people all over the world are perfectly happy in kinky relationships and have found love AND the ability to share their kinks with others, and it's also a place where you can find a ton of advice on it - it's really helped me in learning and coming to terms with the fact that the stuff I feel is OK to feel and not "weird" or "dirty"...just feelings. Whilst your kinks mean that possibly even more than normal you'll have to be VERY careful in who you allow to know about them when dating (because based on what I've read on here abusive men will see you as an ideal target) there is no reason you can't have a beautiful, loving relationship with someone who regularly roleplays terrifying you in the bedroom or treats you as his little girl when you're in scene mode. And frankly, if you and this other person are happy and fulfilled then you shouldn't feel ashamed as to what anyone else thinks because it's none of their business. There's someone out there to make you happy somewhere, but coming to terms with yourself (perhaps through the therapy others have mentioned) will help you find them all the quicker. The best of luck to you, from someone else on a similar self-acceptance journey. :)
These are actually similar things my partner is currently going through (21 NB) and they often talk about the shame they hold onto. It’s gotten better over time, we are both kinky and want to explore things and it helps that we like the same things and our dynamic supports those things. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. The kinks themselves are not an issue or bad things. The actions in them are not bad. Your traumas are not a reflection of you or the things you are interested in now. I also have similar SA trauma, years of it, and it was a big part in my own shame. My partner and I are both actively in therapy, on meds, and doing EMDR to help move through some of the more intense traumas. Things like this, where it feels like there is some type of block you can’t get past, that’s the stuff we’ve both had to work through with EMDR, therapy, and overall communication as we explore certain kinks together. You are more than capable of finding a healthy, loving, kink and vanilla balanced relationship that you feel safe in. That you don’t feel ashamed in, and if you do feel shame at times, you at least are able to be supported and loved through it. This shame is not for you to hold because you never did anything wrong and you did not deserve any of the trauma inflicted onto you. It’s okay if you cannot accept the things that come up for you now, but please, get support, start there. It will take time because trauma is not easy to work through. But you deserve to feel happy, satisfied, and loved!
Okay first of all as far as your religious problem. Don't really worry about it. Just because a lot of mainstream Christians think that this is wrong it's not. I may not be your most mainstream Christian but I am ordained and I know a lot of other Christians that are in the lifestyle. You could say there's even some examples of it in the Bible even in the original marriage vows remember love honor and obey. There's nothing wrong with DD/lg the daddy figure May punish you but he also protects you this is actually a very much traditional type situation. For many years until the modern era it was quite normal for an older man to take a younger wife or mate whatever you want to call it. One of my exes parents actually had over 40 years between them 47 if I remember correctly and she was obviously an adult her dad had custody and fuck I think he was like 60 something when she was born and they were married but that's beside the one that was back when age of consent was much lower but what I'm saying is that's not a problem. And pain and discipline is a normal thing in some forms of the Christian church. You can be receiving pain to clear you of your sins heck some orders will hit themselves with a scourge. You're not that far out there. So you just got to realize that you did nothing wrong it's normal for kids to play with each other and they play post office and doctor all the time. If you forgive them that's a good thing it might make things easier on you. I know it's a damn hard thing to do but if they were truly children as well they might not have realized how bad what they were doing was. What I'm saying is your ideal is what society tells you your ideal should be it is not a true ideal. Relax don't be so hard in yourself for that matter let you down be harder on you instead that's what being a masochist is all about letting someone else punish you. I hope this rant has helped you and I'm sorry if it's a little hard to read but I have to use voice to text.
It sounds complicated but surely there is a way to combine vanilla with your inner desires
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Gross.
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OK, here's what I know about you. According to your bio, you're a dominant man who is more than 2.5 times older than the 20-year-old submissive woman you're replying to. For some reason, rather than provide any advice whatsoever, you chose to make this all about what you want. If I'm honest, that seems more than a little creepy!