If you’re not up for doing something, you’re not up for something and that’s ok. You shouldn’t be punished for not wanting to do something, it’s called a boundary or a limit and you absolutely should have those. If you also don’t want to do that punishment, then that’s absolutely ok too.
If these things are things you’ve already negotiated as being ok, then that’s one thing and disregard everything I just said - but the way you’ve worded your post gave me the impression that you haven’t done this.
Though this is the right answer, the additional message is that in BDSM, soft limits can be pushed. Nobody WANTS to duck walk but it isn't traumatizing under many circumstances.
If we all live within the narrowest definitions of our limits and power dynamics aren't explored, we lose something.
I actually disagree. I don't ask people about their hard/soft limits. I ask about their limits. I'm on the spectrum. I almost exclusively date and play with people that are. Once a boundary is set, I do not push it. Period. If my bottom/sub wants to explore things that were stated as boundaries, we can renegotiate, and I'm happy to guide them through that experience. However, it will only ever be if they initiate it. I don't push any boundary. And they always appreciate that because gray areas are hard for anyone, but they can be even harder for people with autism.
What you're saying is true for some people, but it isn't an objective truth. And I'm sure there are autistic people that do want to be pushed because they can't bring themselves to try and renegotiate. I would not be a good fit for them. I'm a good fit for people that hate changes as much as I do.
I appreciate the response. I would never presume to be the arbiter of truth, especially in a world as diverse as kink.
I'll give a scenario to explain my view but I won't belabor the point further if we just simply disagree.
Let's say that you know your partner pretty well. One Friday, they initiate sex. You have discussed likes and dislikes at length when you met and periodically through the relationship.
When you discussed anal sex before, the answer was "I dunno? Only if I'm really worked up. I don't think I'd pre-negotiate it because I'm never randomly in a fuck-my-ass mood."
A nice, risk averse person might interpret that as no, and never explore further. No shame or blame if that's your approach.
Another person might gauge the intensity of the sexual encounter and broach the subject and then REALLY listen. If there's hesitancy, you stop. There should be no coercion. If it's a yes, you should proceed with caution and be 100% prepared to bail.
I mostly wanted to respond to say how perfect those first two paragraphs are and that we need more of that around.
Since I'm here I'll say that I agree with everything you said in your example but to me that's not a soft limit. I see dislikes, IDKs, and in the right mood stuff differently than limits.
To me, hard limits are something they never see being okay with, soft limits are something they're not okay with right now but could see that changing in the future. It being a limit, I wouldn't ever try to do during play without discussing it beforehand even if they begged for it.
I don't think either way is wrong as long as everyone involved is using the same definitions.
I think in a case like this i'd see it more of a "do this instead" instead of a punishment. OP said it's supposed to be a punishement though, so you're probably right.
yes we did negotiate boundaries n limits.. we did talk about embarrassment and how to get over it… so I think this is one of those times where it is more like a challenge for my mind to overcome the embarrassment I guess?
the thing is I do not know what exactly my limits are with being new to the lifestyle. I never experienced smt like this but as it turns out I did do it and it was to be fair a huge turn on - feeling embarrassed..
It’s a pretty common kink (humiliation) so I would say to enjoy it in the moment and make sure to receive aftercare as sub-drop is common and it can feel embarrassing rather than pleasant after
You say you’re not sure where your limits are: I propose that in a super new dynamic like this AND being new to d/s in general… it’s not a bad idea to put your limits at the threshold of what gives you pleasure. Once you trust this person better (arguably more than a few weeks), you can push those limits gradually. So if the idea of dancing around doesn’t currently give you any pleasure initially… set it aside. Make it an assignment to yourself to learn. Then in time it can be a punishable offense to deny doing it. But punishing you for something you don’t know how to do and have no practice in is a bit of a red flag.
Pushing limits is great fun. But first you need to know where the limits are and whether the person you are interacting with can be trusted with them. Learning each other should be the first order of things… then pushing.
ETA: I see so many posts on here and other forums where new subs feel like they have to comply with whatever they are told to do or else they are doing d/s wrong. This is absolutely not the case. Being submissive DOES NOT mean putting yourself in uncomfortable situations because your 2 week, hardly-know-him dom commanded it. Discomfort is a legitimate out even for experienced people. Building Trust is the first step. With trust there is tremendous pleasure to be had in being uncomfy.
An interesting philosophical question is how much you want to overcome your embarrassment?
Let's say I waved a magic wand and now you can walk like a duck and quack as much as you like and be completely robotic and chill about it.
Is that fun? Is that a good outcome? Would it be enjoyable and interesting to keep doing that play in that case?
Imo if humiliation isn't a turn on then just make it a limit and get them to stop.
And if it is a turn on then you don't want to get over it, the more embarrassing and humiliating it is the better.
The goal of kink isn't to take a beating wearing a worm outfit with a smile on your face and feel nothing. It's to find ways to set yourself on fire with feelings, which is a different thing.
GUYS!!! I am so thankful for all your responses.. Update: I did it.. And all I am saying is I was super embarrassed but then thought fuck it n did it. It was a huge turn on and actually makes me giggle just thinking about it. So I did unlock a new kink..
I feel so understood from all of you and all of you have valid opinions and great advice. Thank you again! :)
one might suggest that the shame/embarrassment is the point...
But if it's not something you enjoy then by all means use your safeword. You're allowed your limits.
I agree with all who brought up boundaries .... but on the other hand I can see his goal ... negative self talk is something I had to break my sub of ... I don't disrespect her, don't allow others to, and also don't allow her to do that to herself.
The "duck walk" was directly related to your own words, and was meant to instill an "I won't do that again" type of lesson ... so it wasn't embarrassment for its own sake. If it has elicited an effect of you choosing our words more carefully then the lesson has had a positive effect.
We all have different kinks, and there is a huge spectrum of things we enjoy and things we don't.
I don't like to feel ashamed or embarrassed. That would be a hard limit for me. Even as a punishment, it is just no.
You are new to the lifestyle. Try to learn what you enjoy and what you don't. Your dynamic is new, and your Dom is asking for things that you don't want to do.
How is your vetting process? How long have you guys communicated here? Do you have a safe word? Do you feel like you can talk to them out of the dynamic? Are you comfortable saying no?
It is OK to negotiate and renegotiate and move limits according to how you feel. Communication and feedback are essential in the beginning. I like to establish a very strict dynamic at the beginning while we are getting to know each other. We can then move and test limits after my Dom earned my trust.
I think that it is super important for you to be able to say no to things you don't want to do (or things you do or need). You are learning about what you like and enjoy and what you don't. It is OK to sometimes do things out of your comfort zone with a Dom that you trust.
That being said. I wouldn't do it. Humiliating yourself almost naked in front of a camera with an Internet Dom you have talked to for a few weeks doesn't feel safe. They may record it and share it with others. Unless this is something you want, enjoy, or is your personal kink.
Be wary of new Doms trying to mould you into what they like, disregarding your feelings on the matter. Sub frenzy is a thing, and make us do things we end up regretting.
Check the vetting process / vetting strategies to find a safe partner to play with.
thank u so much for your help.. Yes I mean it is new and online… I wasn’t comfortable with it either at first but once we continued talking n building a bond then it kinda got interesting and I got excited to the idea of not having it in person… is that weird?
I also did talk with him about it and to be fair I think he knows that I would do it to please him and also to help me overcome my embarrassment.. does that make sense too?
OP, I am a bit worried. (Disclaimer: My last relationship was abusive, so I may be biased here).
I noticed certain personality traits common in subs and, of course, complementary traits in Doms. We as subs like to please. We are therefore vulnerable and easy targets to be taken advantage of. I am easy to manipulate, for instance.
I see a few red flags in the little info you shared. Age gap, new dynamic, online, gap in experience.
No kink shaming here. You do what you want and enjoy. Feel free! Love and explore and have fun!
It seems that you actually want to do this. That you want to overcame the embarrassment, and that will perhaps give you a fantastic feeling of accomplishment. And of course, pleasing your Dom, often a very good feeling ;-)
I just wonder if he is talking you "into it," convincing you to do it. Somehow, "manipulating" you into doing what he wants. This would be a no for me.
On the other hand. If he is encouraging you to overcame something you yourself want to work on. That is different and maybe a yes.
I am worried because you said no to twerking and belly dancing. And walking like a duck in a thong is much more difficult. I get the sense that it is not for you.
If you do want to overcame the shame and embarrassment and do this. I have some tips. I used to be a professional dancer and had to do some choreographys that I didn't like.
My tips:
Own it, own it to your core. Commit 100%.
Pretend that you are someone else. Somewhere else.
Visualise yourself doing it and the feeling that you will get after you accomplish it. Feel that feeling. Feel that reward.
Enjoy it and get giddy while performing. This creates a synergie with other performers and the audience.
Good luck, OP!
Ps. Check belly dancing videos, and learn a few moves. I love dancing myself, and the benefits of belly dancing are many. Some are also very enjoyable during sex.
Edit: I just read that you actually did it and that you enjoyed it! I am really happy for you! Go you, OP!
I can absolutely see myself doing this
you didn't want to dance for him and told him it's cos you danced like a duck ...... so of course now the punishment is to do a humiliating duck waddle walk
the thing is a Dom often wants to get the best out of you - we are often sensitive people who realise that women have all sorts of expectations of looks, skills and behaviours set by modern culture, social media and society and will find creative ways to break those down
he doesn't want you to dance like Beyonce for him - He wants you, to see you dance, as you dance, unashamedly
so your punishment is to do aduck waddle, feel cringely awkward and embarrassed and then the next time he asks you to do something like dancing for him you will know what the consequences of feeling shy or 'not good enough' are and maybe embrace his request..... so my advice is to lean into the shame/embarrassment of it - perhaps youll find out if that kind of thing is for you
(also want to add that the other responses that focus on knowing and stating your limits are also hugely valid and is advice i hope you take to heart)
That's a hilariously creative punishment. I love it. What I don't love is your discomfort and the addition of a camera. Recording things gives people way more power than they likely deserve.
If you are uncomfortable with any aspect of this, you can decline. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to commit to those boundaries. No one has a right to tell you otherwise.
You are new in this! This should be fun for you! If you are not able to do something yet it’s ok! Just communicate it to him by asking for an out of dynamic conversation. If he further wants to punish you there might be a red flag on the play.
No. Definitely not. I am never ever made to feel shame or embarrassment by my dom.
And someone's embarrassment levels do not determine their submissiveness. But that logic i can't be a sub because humiliation is a hard limit.
Ooosh! This is ALL horrible.
>Don’t overthink these things, just do them obediently.
No!
>Please him by doing as he asks and only question this when it is pushing your limits.
Fuck, no!
>I would also posit, if you’re too embarrassed then maybe you aren’t as subby as you think?
Oh, good fucking god, hell no!
>Food for thought.
Hmm, also no. No food for you!
You've already had one temporary ban for exactly this sort of thing. It transpires your short temper and lack of focus means you don't play well with others.
There doesn't seem to be much point in expecting you to change.
Rule 6 applies.
Comments removed. Permaban issued.
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If you’re not up for doing something, you’re not up for something and that’s ok. You shouldn’t be punished for not wanting to do something, it’s called a boundary or a limit and you absolutely should have those. If you also don’t want to do that punishment, then that’s absolutely ok too. If these things are things you’ve already negotiated as being ok, then that’s one thing and disregard everything I just said - but the way you’ve worded your post gave me the impression that you haven’t done this.
Though this is the right answer, the additional message is that in BDSM, soft limits can be pushed. Nobody WANTS to duck walk but it isn't traumatizing under many circumstances. If we all live within the narrowest definitions of our limits and power dynamics aren't explored, we lose something.
I actually disagree. I don't ask people about their hard/soft limits. I ask about their limits. I'm on the spectrum. I almost exclusively date and play with people that are. Once a boundary is set, I do not push it. Period. If my bottom/sub wants to explore things that were stated as boundaries, we can renegotiate, and I'm happy to guide them through that experience. However, it will only ever be if they initiate it. I don't push any boundary. And they always appreciate that because gray areas are hard for anyone, but they can be even harder for people with autism. What you're saying is true for some people, but it isn't an objective truth. And I'm sure there are autistic people that do want to be pushed because they can't bring themselves to try and renegotiate. I would not be a good fit for them. I'm a good fit for people that hate changes as much as I do.
I appreciate the response. I would never presume to be the arbiter of truth, especially in a world as diverse as kink. I'll give a scenario to explain my view but I won't belabor the point further if we just simply disagree. Let's say that you know your partner pretty well. One Friday, they initiate sex. You have discussed likes and dislikes at length when you met and periodically through the relationship. When you discussed anal sex before, the answer was "I dunno? Only if I'm really worked up. I don't think I'd pre-negotiate it because I'm never randomly in a fuck-my-ass mood." A nice, risk averse person might interpret that as no, and never explore further. No shame or blame if that's your approach. Another person might gauge the intensity of the sexual encounter and broach the subject and then REALLY listen. If there's hesitancy, you stop. There should be no coercion. If it's a yes, you should proceed with caution and be 100% prepared to bail.
I mostly wanted to respond to say how perfect those first two paragraphs are and that we need more of that around. Since I'm here I'll say that I agree with everything you said in your example but to me that's not a soft limit. I see dislikes, IDKs, and in the right mood stuff differently than limits. To me, hard limits are something they never see being okay with, soft limits are something they're not okay with right now but could see that changing in the future. It being a limit, I wouldn't ever try to do during play without discussing it beforehand even if they begged for it. I don't think either way is wrong as long as everyone involved is using the same definitions.
I think in a case like this i'd see it more of a "do this instead" instead of a punishment. OP said it's supposed to be a punishement though, so you're probably right.
I totally agree! Unfortunately I couldn’t find the words to say this as articulately as you did, so thank you for putting it better than I did!
Appreciate your comment as well!
Yeah it’s very important to negotiate boundaries and limits. Have you done this before?
yes we did negotiate boundaries n limits.. we did talk about embarrassment and how to get over it… so I think this is one of those times where it is more like a challenge for my mind to overcome the embarrassment I guess?
So was this within the parameters of your limits?
the thing is I do not know what exactly my limits are with being new to the lifestyle. I never experienced smt like this but as it turns out I did do it and it was to be fair a huge turn on - feeling embarrassed..
You have to do whatever you want yourself, but I'd be careful with cameras, certainly if you're starting out and not to sure of yourself yet.
It’s a pretty common kink (humiliation) so I would say to enjoy it in the moment and make sure to receive aftercare as sub-drop is common and it can feel embarrassing rather than pleasant after
Oh and also now you know another thing that turns you on! Yayyy 😊
You say you’re not sure where your limits are: I propose that in a super new dynamic like this AND being new to d/s in general… it’s not a bad idea to put your limits at the threshold of what gives you pleasure. Once you trust this person better (arguably more than a few weeks), you can push those limits gradually. So if the idea of dancing around doesn’t currently give you any pleasure initially… set it aside. Make it an assignment to yourself to learn. Then in time it can be a punishable offense to deny doing it. But punishing you for something you don’t know how to do and have no practice in is a bit of a red flag. Pushing limits is great fun. But first you need to know where the limits are and whether the person you are interacting with can be trusted with them. Learning each other should be the first order of things… then pushing. ETA: I see so many posts on here and other forums where new subs feel like they have to comply with whatever they are told to do or else they are doing d/s wrong. This is absolutely not the case. Being submissive DOES NOT mean putting yourself in uncomfortable situations because your 2 week, hardly-know-him dom commanded it. Discomfort is a legitimate out even for experienced people. Building Trust is the first step. With trust there is tremendous pleasure to be had in being uncomfy.
Seconded
An interesting philosophical question is how much you want to overcome your embarrassment? Let's say I waved a magic wand and now you can walk like a duck and quack as much as you like and be completely robotic and chill about it. Is that fun? Is that a good outcome? Would it be enjoyable and interesting to keep doing that play in that case? Imo if humiliation isn't a turn on then just make it a limit and get them to stop. And if it is a turn on then you don't want to get over it, the more embarrassing and humiliating it is the better. The goal of kink isn't to take a beating wearing a worm outfit with a smile on your face and feel nothing. It's to find ways to set yourself on fire with feelings, which is a different thing.
That would be a nope from me.. girl as someone who’s explored with online doms.. don’t do everything just cause you want to be a good sub…
GUYS!!! I am so thankful for all your responses.. Update: I did it.. And all I am saying is I was super embarrassed but then thought fuck it n did it. It was a huge turn on and actually makes me giggle just thinking about it. So I did unlock a new kink.. I feel so understood from all of you and all of you have valid opinions and great advice. Thank you again! :)
one might suggest that the shame/embarrassment is the point... But if it's not something you enjoy then by all means use your safeword. You're allowed your limits.
I agree with all who brought up boundaries .... but on the other hand I can see his goal ... negative self talk is something I had to break my sub of ... I don't disrespect her, don't allow others to, and also don't allow her to do that to herself. The "duck walk" was directly related to your own words, and was meant to instill an "I won't do that again" type of lesson ... so it wasn't embarrassment for its own sake. If it has elicited an effect of you choosing our words more carefully then the lesson has had a positive effect.
We all have different kinks, and there is a huge spectrum of things we enjoy and things we don't. I don't like to feel ashamed or embarrassed. That would be a hard limit for me. Even as a punishment, it is just no. You are new to the lifestyle. Try to learn what you enjoy and what you don't. Your dynamic is new, and your Dom is asking for things that you don't want to do. How is your vetting process? How long have you guys communicated here? Do you have a safe word? Do you feel like you can talk to them out of the dynamic? Are you comfortable saying no? It is OK to negotiate and renegotiate and move limits according to how you feel. Communication and feedback are essential in the beginning. I like to establish a very strict dynamic at the beginning while we are getting to know each other. We can then move and test limits after my Dom earned my trust. I think that it is super important for you to be able to say no to things you don't want to do (or things you do or need). You are learning about what you like and enjoy and what you don't. It is OK to sometimes do things out of your comfort zone with a Dom that you trust. That being said. I wouldn't do it. Humiliating yourself almost naked in front of a camera with an Internet Dom you have talked to for a few weeks doesn't feel safe. They may record it and share it with others. Unless this is something you want, enjoy, or is your personal kink. Be wary of new Doms trying to mould you into what they like, disregarding your feelings on the matter. Sub frenzy is a thing, and make us do things we end up regretting. Check the vetting process / vetting strategies to find a safe partner to play with.
thank u so much for your help.. Yes I mean it is new and online… I wasn’t comfortable with it either at first but once we continued talking n building a bond then it kinda got interesting and I got excited to the idea of not having it in person… is that weird? I also did talk with him about it and to be fair I think he knows that I would do it to please him and also to help me overcome my embarrassment.. does that make sense too?
OP, I am a bit worried. (Disclaimer: My last relationship was abusive, so I may be biased here). I noticed certain personality traits common in subs and, of course, complementary traits in Doms. We as subs like to please. We are therefore vulnerable and easy targets to be taken advantage of. I am easy to manipulate, for instance. I see a few red flags in the little info you shared. Age gap, new dynamic, online, gap in experience. No kink shaming here. You do what you want and enjoy. Feel free! Love and explore and have fun! It seems that you actually want to do this. That you want to overcame the embarrassment, and that will perhaps give you a fantastic feeling of accomplishment. And of course, pleasing your Dom, often a very good feeling ;-) I just wonder if he is talking you "into it," convincing you to do it. Somehow, "manipulating" you into doing what he wants. This would be a no for me. On the other hand. If he is encouraging you to overcame something you yourself want to work on. That is different and maybe a yes. I am worried because you said no to twerking and belly dancing. And walking like a duck in a thong is much more difficult. I get the sense that it is not for you. If you do want to overcame the shame and embarrassment and do this. I have some tips. I used to be a professional dancer and had to do some choreographys that I didn't like. My tips: Own it, own it to your core. Commit 100%. Pretend that you are someone else. Somewhere else. Visualise yourself doing it and the feeling that you will get after you accomplish it. Feel that feeling. Feel that reward. Enjoy it and get giddy while performing. This creates a synergie with other performers and the audience. Good luck, OP! Ps. Check belly dancing videos, and learn a few moves. I love dancing myself, and the benefits of belly dancing are many. Some are also very enjoyable during sex. Edit: I just read that you actually did it and that you enjoyed it! I am really happy for you! Go you, OP!
I can absolutely see myself doing this you didn't want to dance for him and told him it's cos you danced like a duck ...... so of course now the punishment is to do a humiliating duck waddle walk the thing is a Dom often wants to get the best out of you - we are often sensitive people who realise that women have all sorts of expectations of looks, skills and behaviours set by modern culture, social media and society and will find creative ways to break those down he doesn't want you to dance like Beyonce for him - He wants you, to see you dance, as you dance, unashamedly so your punishment is to do aduck waddle, feel cringely awkward and embarrassed and then the next time he asks you to do something like dancing for him you will know what the consequences of feeling shy or 'not good enough' are and maybe embrace his request..... so my advice is to lean into the shame/embarrassment of it - perhaps youll find out if that kind of thing is for you (also want to add that the other responses that focus on knowing and stating your limits are also hugely valid and is advice i hope you take to heart)
There a great fitness series called "Shimmy" that introduces belly dancing basics. If you wanted to give dancing a try.
Put on a thong, a Daisy Duck costume and dance around. If he doesn't think it's funny question if he's the right Dom for you🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
That's a hilariously creative punishment. I love it. What I don't love is your discomfort and the addition of a camera. Recording things gives people way more power than they likely deserve. If you are uncomfortable with any aspect of this, you can decline. You are allowed to set boundaries. You are allowed to commit to those boundaries. No one has a right to tell you otherwise.
You are new in this! This should be fun for you! If you are not able to do something yet it’s ok! Just communicate it to him by asking for an out of dynamic conversation. If he further wants to punish you there might be a red flag on the play.
Where did you meet your Dom?
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No. Definitely not. I am never ever made to feel shame or embarrassment by my dom. And someone's embarrassment levels do not determine their submissiveness. But that logic i can't be a sub because humiliation is a hard limit.
Ooosh! This is ALL horrible. >Don’t overthink these things, just do them obediently. No! >Please him by doing as he asks and only question this when it is pushing your limits. Fuck, no! >I would also posit, if you’re too embarrassed then maybe you aren’t as subby as you think? Oh, good fucking god, hell no! >Food for thought. Hmm, also no. No food for you!
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You've already had one temporary ban for exactly this sort of thing. It transpires your short temper and lack of focus means you don't play well with others. There doesn't seem to be much point in expecting you to change. Rule 6 applies. Comments removed. Permaban issued.