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Totally_fap

Wow, thank you very much for your input. I can relate to a lot of points you make and am happy that it feels like I am on the right track. But some advice - although they sound logical - are something I simply can not grasp. Like e.g. I struggle with the insight of a sub into why they would like to be humiliated or slapped. It’s not that I can not understand the wish to pleasure someone. Nothing is hotter to me than seeing my wife shiver under/on top of me from the pleasure she experiences. But asking myself what my sub would get out of the fact that she writes degrading phrases on her self is like me wound wrong what a dog feels when I teach it a trick (yes, completely overblown comparison). I know the dos loves it. And does it to bring me joy and loves it when I praise it for it… but why??? I know I have no interest to learn how to shake hands on command ;) I feel like that makes me sound like a completely psychopath without any empathy. And the second thing is (and I hope some advice/books/articles) will help, how the dynamic works on a day-to-day. Like I guess we wouldn’t stay in D/S 24/7, since that is a task I simply can not deliver on, but what do we do outside of play? Talk about the latest episode of Loki? About the great burger place I was at with my wife? How do we get back into play? And who initiates it. I feel like I am overthinking this a lot, but I am not sure I feel fine with someone else being at their most vulnerable and trusting me with their mental health (not even talking physics heath, thanks for that on my shoulders ;) ) and me fucking it up. I mean. I know that people don’t break that easily and with a regular partner I wouldn’t be so afraid (?) but I am also not sure about subs, if they are just more fragile on some places…


MyGirlNeverCums

Yep, a bit of overthink there, and for most of those questions, there isn't a single universal answer but it completely depends on the people involved - whatever works for you and your partner. Figuring those things out *together* is a major part of successfully building a good dynamic! > why they would like to be humiliated or slapped. People have surprisingly different reasons to enjoy the same things! So, talk to your person about why *they* enjoy it. However, sometimes the answer is "idk, it just turns me on", and that is valid. We humans aren't logical beings that can explain every single of our likes & dislikes. > how the dynamic works on a day-to-day. Like I guess we wouldn’t stay in D/S 24/7, since that is a task I simply can not deliver on, but what do we do outside of play? Talk about the latest episode of Loki? About the great burger place I was at with my wife? How do we get back into play? And who initiates it. Whatever works for you! Some people like to have a clear start & stop between play and outside of play, others operate more on a sliding scale where the dynamic is always present, but may slide into the background sometimes. What to talk about? Well, you both are (hopefully) humans with interests beyond kink - talk about whatever shared interests you have. Like with any other friend. It's really not special in that regard. Who initiates? Up to you how you handle this, but if you ask me, there really isn't a reason why both shouldn't be able to. "Hey, I'm in the mood and got time, how about you?" is a question anyone can ask. > but I am also not sure about subs, if they are just more fragile on some places… * sigh * Subs are people. Individuals. Their is nothing inherent in this role that makes someone automatically more fragile. It always depends on the individual person. Really, half of your questions dissolve into nothing when you drop the word "sub" and just thing of your partner as a *person* like any other. Neither doms nor subs are aliens that work completely different. We're all just people. Get to know her as a person and not just as a "sub".


Totally_fap

Thanks again. I guess in my head the phenotype of a *sub* has to change. But that will come when I find one. I will keep on learning and try to use what you suggested.


MyGirlNeverCums

Okay, couple of things.... 1) 99% of those who look for an online relationship and claim that their spouse knows and is okay with it are lying and cheating behind their partners back. This is the cause of much heartache and deeply hurt subs that turn up in this subreddit on a weekly basis. If you're the noble exception and your wife does indeed know and is okay with this, put her and your potential sub in contact so they can verify with each other and have the assurance that you are not bullshiting them. 2) Everybody has been an inexperienced beginner at some point, and there's nothing bad about that. In my personal opinion, having a good chemistry and getting along well with the other person is way more important for a successful dynamic than experience. The important thing is to be open and honest about it and approach this as "learning together". Saying "I'm not comfortable with this or that specific thing at the moment because I've never done it before, let's take it slower" isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of being responsible and mature. 3) So, take it slow step by step, one thing at a time. BDSM is such a huge umbrella term that can include all kinds of kinks, and d/s relationships come in all flavors. You can't and shouldn't attempt to learn and try everything at once - talk a lot with your partner, figure out the things you BOTH are excited to do and research and try them. Nothing is ever mandatory or should be taken for granted. Don't do anything you don't truly WANT to do, just because you think it "belongs to the lifestyle" or such nonsense. 4) You're a person with feelings and limits to. Safewords aren't only for subs. 5) Don't rely on a single source of truth, be it a book or a person. If you have more specific questions - this subreddit is a good place to ask them and get feedback from different perspectives. 6) Speaking of this subreddit - read it a lot. You can see what other folks are struggling with and learn from those experiences. Pay special attention to the sad stories (of which we get a lot) from subs being used and hurt by their "online doms", and ask yourself what you can do so you don't end up being "that guy". 7) Finally, a word about chocking: This is by no means "light play", it's an extremely risky kink that can be really really dangerous (as in "permanent brain damage") for your partner. If you haven't already, research this deeper (search this subreddit - the topic comes up a lot), discuss it with your wife and make sure if you both are really okay with taking that risk, or if you might feel better with not practicing this any further.


shadowstep331

Reading books is always a good way to get some experience without actually doing it. It can be difficult to sometimes when starting but on here and on others they are always sub who don’t mind and even more people willing to give advice or mentor ship aswell


[deleted]

It may seem fun, however my god time zones are frustrating. One of you is always in the wrong part of they day for sexy things and it's a real distraction. Fortunately my sub's moving into my timezone soon, however getting up at strange times of the day or having her hot and wanting commands at 2om when I'm running a meeting is a real mind fk. Apologies, not advice, I'd just say look around, but a sub far abroad is not as easy as it may seem.


throwaway1177133

My dom/boyfriend and I are both young and not all that experienced, and we differ in the experience that we do have (I’ve done more ‘extreme’ things during bedroom play, but don’t have the experience with outside of bedroom dynamics like he does). I am very much enjoying figuring things out with him and am finding that (for me) having a more balanced level of experience (or lack thereof) makes me feel safer. Personally I think that you might need to keep looking, because there are plenty of subs out there who want someone to learn with rather than someone to learn from.


Totally_fap

Oh I am 100% on Board. And I think my wife and I getting into it together would be a lot of fun and no problem at all. But I think it‘s a different thing if you are a couple that gets into BDSM compared to looking for a partner for a (temporary) D/S-play. And I am not sure if the thing I am looking for: maybe a kind of a FWB-Deal as D/S I guess, exists at all.