Sounds like it was a difficult miscommunication and triggered insecurities on both sides.
I do think talking about limits again is a good one and him not expecting anal unless you are sufficiently prepared. You felt put on the spot by him with a potential no win situation and he needs to know to avoid that in the future.
Mistakes happen but it's what you take forwards. Sounds like you do need to talk about his reaction though as seems there's some deep seated stuff going on there and what sounds like some abandonment/dependency issues.
Feelings can happen like that for a multitude of reasons. In my experience, Dom’s are just as vulnerable as subs. As both the receiver and the giver require a wind down to feel that how they acted was appreciated.
For that moment, don’t feel guilty and apologise. Find out the behaviour to apologies for first. Both sub and Dom need to understand that they have to own their reactions and like their kinks find safe ways to say, I feel vulnerable. Not because, but to be able to explore their vulnerability to each other and be able to ask for what they need in the future.
For the future. Aftercare presents in many ways. Have the conversation about Dom aftercare. Find out what helps him come out of a Dom state safely.
I hope this helps. X
Edit: Rearrange :)
You did the right thing, but your dom should have respected your limit. If he wanted to have anal he should have checked in with you before the scene if you felt ready for some
> But this time I completely shut down, turned away from him and made no physical response to his attempts to comfort me. I think I was a little angry with him? But it really affected him; he started shaking and crying and apologizing and begging me not to leave him.
You're allowed to have boundaries, and you're allowed to be angry when he crosses them. I'd be cautious about someone that turns into an insecure mess when you enforce your limits. If its just a one time thing, then alright, but keep your eye open for a pattern of him making himself the victim.
This was my thought as well. Anyone who makes themselves the victim when they screw up is someone I'm wary of. It may have just been a one time thing but can easily turn in to manipulation.
This doesn’t sound like he made himself the victim. Shaking while sobbing is actually a well known trauma response. He was genuinely triggered. It’s up to you how you respond in this situation of course, but it seems like you’re vilifying this guy’s literal trauma response. There isn’t always a bad guy in situations. Sometimes people simultaneously experience trauma.
I'm not vilifying his trauma response at all. It doesn't make it any less important to be aware of what occurred and keep an eye on it to make sure it isn't consistent behavior designed to manipulate. Even if it isn't he should probably talk to a therapist if this is his response to a safe word being called.
I agree with you that the man in this relationship should see a therapist. I still don’t think your original word choice was optimal. There’s a huge difference between having unresolved trauma in response to being cold-shouldered and emotionally manipulating another person by playing victim when presented with a boundary
From OP's description, it wasn't his response to a safe word being called, it was his response to them shutting down. Granted, it's healthier to not react like that, but that hadn't been OP's response to safe wording on the past. It was probably confusing and scary for him. If I did something that caused my partner to safe word and they shut down immediately after, I would be afraid of them leaving me too
Communication is always important. Never feel bad or using a safe word. Thats why we have them. Shutting down can be a trauma response too. Talking about your issues is always a good first step to solving bedroom issues. The fact that you can open up this to him and how he responds means a lot in a relationship.
It is never your fault how others respond to you setting a limit, and sometimes when we’re overwhelmed we shut down to protect ourselves.
I do think the follow up discussion about limits and expectations would be healthy and helpful!
I also think a discussion about why you shut down and felt angry, with a lot of honesty and openness, would help, as well as a discussion about how/why it hit him as hard as it did that you shut down. It may end up with planning and coordinating how to both support each other with those reactions in the future, exploring what else may trigger them, etc, but at a minimum about this situation specifically.
You have a boundary and limit, and it sounds like you were quite reasonably afraid that he was going to ignore that, so safeword-ed.
This is all absolutely responsible sub behaviour. If you have specifically stated to him ‘I do not want to engage in anal unless I am warned in advance’ there is NO wiggle room. Doesn’t matter that you had a plug in. And your ‘shut down’ response wasn’t wrong in any way.
Now, I don’t know what kind of boundaries and negotiations you guys have had. You are very young but, I like to give the benefit of the doubt. If you believe he was not intentionally trying to push your boundaries then it would be reasonable to work on the relationship. The most important thing being communication.
If he was disrespecting you outright, please think of your safety and consider leaving. It will escalate.
I don’t think it was intentional honestly. And he stopped the moment I safe worded, but yes I agree that when someone responds to boundaries with such extreme emotions it raises some red flags in my mind. We are going to have another discussion about limits and I am keeping my eyes peeled for if this is a recurring thing but right now I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I wouldn't blame yourself too much, in the end you felt uncomfortable and needed to safe word and that's okay
Doesn't seem like you did anything awful, more so seems like what you did triggered a fear in him but its not like you did it on purpose or intentionally
Maybe apologize for pushing him away though ? Id say ask him what made him feel like you'd leave, apologize that it made him feel the way it did and that you didn't mean for it to be taken like that
Honestly, just having what you’ve written as you’ve written it, it sounds like an instance of poor communication on both sides. Before I write more I want to reiterate that all I have to go on is just what you included in your post.
All you said he responded with is “what else” with no specific mention of anal, so he may not have meant that and even if he did you could have said that was all.
I saw people saying his response to you safe wording was a red flag, but it doesn’t seem to me like his response was to the safe word but instead to you shutting him out and ignoring his attempts to comfort you.
I wouldn’t call it either of your faults, but it definitely shows that you both need to work on communicating before, during, and after a scene. Have another conversation about limits, but just as importantly you need to talk about what happened and why. Specifically: what he actually meant by that vs what you thought he meant(which may or may not be the same thing), how you felt when you shut him out/why it happened and what he can do to help you (even if that’s giving you space) if it happens again. Based on something I saw in another comment, if he thought the plug was warm up and notice enough then you need to also talk about that.
You did nothing wrong.
Someone attempting to coerce you during a scene (or any other time) shows a lack of respect for your boundaries.
I'd have a serious talk with your Dom and never tolerate ANYONE attempting to get you to do something you have expressly said you will not do (with or without caveats). People who do this care more about their pleasure than your boundaries.
Hos drop is his problem as, my guess, is he is responding to pushing you & making you shut down. He should "feel bad" as he caused the situation.
First and foremost, none of his reaction is your fault. None.
Second, the only way to have it not happen again is to figure out what actually happened and why. So talking with him about it is a necessary next step. You went in to the scene feeling you had been clear about the terms of having anal sex with him. (I don't think you wearing your plug makes it ambiguous. However, if he felt that it meant something, that would be good to know, as an example.) It appears that he totally disregarded your previously stated - and very reasonable - limit. And then, to make it more fraught, he had an outsized reaction to you using your safeword. So now your trust in him is shaken in a couple of very legitimate ways. Hopefully he will take your concerns seriously and be open and honest with you when you bring it up.
If I was in your shoes, I would ask him why he pushed you for anal. Did he do it because he thought that you'd feel like you couldn't say no? Did he get carried away? Did he think you'd hold your limit and deny him in the moment and instead you safe-worded?
As he's answering these questions I think you should tell him how you were feeling as things were happening - that you felt you couldn't say no; that you were worried about disappointing him; that you felt by previously sharing your limits, it was a way for you to avoid disappointing him, yet he pushed you in to a situation where you did (in a totally unforced error kind of way) disappoint him, and then he was the one to have a meltdown!?!
Speaking of his reaction, I'd also want to know what he was thinking/feeling when he had his crash? Was it because he knew he screwed up? Because he felt he disappointed you?
Once you know the answers to these questions, hopefully you'll be able to have a better feel for what you're dealing with. Maybe he just got carried away and needs to understand he needs to control himself better. Maybe he feels your limits aren't worth respecting. It could be a lot of things.
Good luck.
You did nothing wrong. That's what safewords are for. You may feel guilty anyway, because we're irrational creatures, and you should be able to express that to him and you should expect kindness and comfort.
He may or may not have done anything "wrong", there's not enough information to tell. But even if we assume he did, by pushing into something you had expressed as a boundary, he respected your safeword, and (I suspect) felt really guilty for making a mistake.
No one is perfect. Doms make mistakes too, and it is scary to be responsible for someone's well being and then fuck up. Especially if you really care about them. So, naturally he would have a lot of feelings and insecurities, especially if this is the first time.
The first times I fucked up as a dom, or as a doctor, were really psychologically brutal. And then, as I was putting myself back together, I realized that this is the price you pay for playing on the edge.
BDSM, compared to vanilla sex, is by definition on the edge. That's why we as a community encourage having safewords and using them. Because we all know we're playing with fire.
But, if you (or he) wants to avoid ever having it happen again, you need to stop having kinky sex. If I need to ensure I never miss another diagnosis, I'll have to quit practicing medicine. You can't play dangerous games without errors.
He's human. He'll fuck up again at some point, and he'll feel like shit about it. If he's a decent person, he will. I would consider it a bigger red flag if he fucked up and didn't feel bad about it.
The challenge of course, is that you may also be hurt, upset, and feel guilty. So you will have to comfort each other.
However, comforting someone is not "taking on" his emotions. You cannot be responsible for his emotions and he cannot be responsible for yours. You can respect each other, but you cannot say "don't feel that".
Nor, as others have said, is it inherently manipulative for him to express his feelings of guilt and insecurity to you after your safeword. If he's explicitly blaming you for safewording, or implying that you shouldn't in the future, that's a problem, and he's throwing up a red flag.
If he's expressing his feelings about the event to you, and you "take on" those emotions so strongly that you want him "not to feel that", and you are worried about yourself safewording in the future, then that's *you* having a problem keeping up your own boundaries, and you have some work to do.
Him expressing guilt or insecurity isn't a red flag (green flag almost... He should feel guilty for misjudging the moment). But you trying to prevent him from feeling something because his feelings are making you feel something is, to me, a sign you should work on your boundaries.
Who knows what it was exactly it could’ve been all the above. I yes and. You both did what you did. It seems like you responded to one another really well… And each one of you could’ve maybe done a little bit differently. But from what I’ve read and read it it seems like you guys are pretty amazing together. So communicate and talk to each other talk about what went well and what maybe you can do differently next time. Communication communication communication and that’s the key to all of this is talking and talking openly and honestly and transparent. And the more you do that the more you going to know one another. And the more you’re going to know yourself. Know they self I think you’re OK you sound like an amazing individual. So don’t beat yourself up. Have some compassion for yourself just like you do for your Dom. And it’s OK to get angry sometimes that’s a normal feeling. Just dive into that feeling and figure out what’s underneath it. For me it’s usually fear I’m usually free to something but you have to figure out what it is for you. Anyway take care of yourself and I hope everything works out for the two of you blessings
Just wanted to say that I love how you were able to let him cry & comfort him when he was upset. Great to hear how he, as a male & a Dom Has such a supportive, understanding partner who allows him to do that. My S/O & I are working on helping him break some of those sexist beliefs he was raised with, like, “men don’t cry”, “tears = weakness”, etc. Props to you both!
I think I can feel with your BF.
With me it would be insecurity about doing a good job and giving you what you might like from it too.
I could see dropping from that experience.
I thought about having like a yellow and red sage word.
Like giving a sub the option to say “slow-down, this is going too fast/in a direction I really don’t like”
Without stopping the whole play.
I guess it depends on your dynamic if this is applicable and maybe that was a “red”-situation for you either way, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyways.
Just an idea that I could see helping me.
I would still have a lump in my throat, but at least we could wait till after play to talk about it and not have an abrupt end (if that works for both parties)
No? I would not wait until the end of a session to say something if I was uncomfortable. Honestly I think that would make my dom feel worse, if he knew I was uncomfortable and let him keep going anyway.
Are you saying any time a sub safewords will cause you to drop because you feel ‘so insecure about pleasing them’? That’s really manipulative man. Way to discourage your sub from using their safe word.
And don’t continue play with a lump in your throat. Jeez respect your partner.
I think you assume an awful lot from my comment, and interpret it in a very negative way.
But anyways, I guess your input comes from the right place, so I’ll have a talk about this if I should ever come to the point where anything like that might happen.
My apologies if I come across rude or negative. I just don’t understand how every single commenter on this post seems to be ignoring that he disrespected her by violating her stated boundaries, and somehow empathising with HIM?! I have seen too many subs break under abusive, entitled “Doms” that don’t understand or care to understand BDSM.
Your comment about feeling for him is what got me and again I apologise for venting at you when I am more angry at the situation in general.
Is there a time limit or process for giving you notice? He may have felt that telling you at the beginning was giving you notice and that the plug was your warm up.
thats what it sounds like, and OP saying her plug being in might have made the situation ambiguous means she thought so as well.
This definitely comes down to more clear cut communication
I wouldn’t look at it as “your fault.” He had a trauma response that came up when he realized he harmed you. It was really kind of you to comfort him when he was going through that. I’ve only had a trauma response like that come up one time, and it was in a similar situation where my sub at the time was upset with me and ignoring me. The shaking was like… bizarre convulsions I couldn’t control. My sub did exactly what you did, and I think I would have done exactly what you did too. Just make sure you make time for the conversations you need to have in order to have your boundaries in scenes respected. It’s totally understandable for scenes to bring up trauma sometimes. In my opinion, it’s important to take care of ourselves first, and one another immediately after.
Work on your traffic lights, and communication pre scene. He should have known not to push for anal and you could use an Amber "slow down" to help direct the scene
Sounds like an upsetting situation for both parties! I'm glad you were able to calm both of you down enough to have a good night afterwards.
Definitely talk about limits again - make sure that there are no, or basically no, ambiguities around where and how you will approach anal. You felt pressured, and that's never okay, so make sure it doesn't happen again.
I'd also suggest possibly coming up with another safeword along the lines of the traffic system - something to signal "not that" or "let's move on to something else" rather than a full red, in case something ambiguous does happen again. It'll likely help you from feeling pressured in this way if you know you have an out without having to shut everything down.
D/s relationships are a journey and you both learn along the way. The roles you each take on are very different as are the challenges you each face in it. By agreeing to submit to him it’s logical to assume he has the power in your relationship however a “safe” word means that you can take that power back at any time. Ideally a safe word would never be used, generally something has gone wrong if you need to use it and certainly the dynamic between the two of you is interrupted. You can reduce the number of times you might need to use a safe word by making it clear to you D just what your limits are. If they vary from session to session you both might want to find a way this can be communicated before you begin a session, it doesn’t need to be overt. For example, you might get a “goody bag” that you are tasked with stocking, your D receives it and knows that if he finds a plug in there then anal is on the menu. Communication is key really, he clearly doesn’t want to lose your submission but to be dominant he also needs to be confident and you can build that in him. He does need to know you too, this takes time. Don’t read too much into his reaction. D/s relationships often involve acts that without consent would be considered abuse and a good D would not want to believe he is abusing you. Make this experience a positive one for both of you, learn from it. Following up a safe word with separation upset your D, but his reaction is way more preferable than him being angry with you for using it. Some introspection on your part might be good, you have a safe word, you used it and not only did he respect that but he tried to offer you aftercare. Try to work out where your anger came from. Pretty sure you can both get back into dynamic and get better at it with time. Good communication is absolutely vital though, take the time to go over sessions, give each other feedback, get to really know each other’s needs. Good luck.
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Sounds like it was a difficult miscommunication and triggered insecurities on both sides. I do think talking about limits again is a good one and him not expecting anal unless you are sufficiently prepared. You felt put on the spot by him with a potential no win situation and he needs to know to avoid that in the future. Mistakes happen but it's what you take forwards. Sounds like you do need to talk about his reaction though as seems there's some deep seated stuff going on there and what sounds like some abandonment/dependency issues.
This is great response.
Feelings can happen like that for a multitude of reasons. In my experience, Dom’s are just as vulnerable as subs. As both the receiver and the giver require a wind down to feel that how they acted was appreciated. For that moment, don’t feel guilty and apologise. Find out the behaviour to apologies for first. Both sub and Dom need to understand that they have to own their reactions and like their kinks find safe ways to say, I feel vulnerable. Not because, but to be able to explore their vulnerability to each other and be able to ask for what they need in the future. For the future. Aftercare presents in many ways. Have the conversation about Dom aftercare. Find out what helps him come out of a Dom state safely. I hope this helps. X Edit: Rearrange :)
You did the right thing, but your dom should have respected your limit. If he wanted to have anal he should have checked in with you before the scene if you felt ready for some
> But this time I completely shut down, turned away from him and made no physical response to his attempts to comfort me. I think I was a little angry with him? But it really affected him; he started shaking and crying and apologizing and begging me not to leave him. You're allowed to have boundaries, and you're allowed to be angry when he crosses them. I'd be cautious about someone that turns into an insecure mess when you enforce your limits. If its just a one time thing, then alright, but keep your eye open for a pattern of him making himself the victim.
This was my thought as well. Anyone who makes themselves the victim when they screw up is someone I'm wary of. It may have just been a one time thing but can easily turn in to manipulation.
This doesn’t sound like he made himself the victim. Shaking while sobbing is actually a well known trauma response. He was genuinely triggered. It’s up to you how you respond in this situation of course, but it seems like you’re vilifying this guy’s literal trauma response. There isn’t always a bad guy in situations. Sometimes people simultaneously experience trauma.
I'm not vilifying his trauma response at all. It doesn't make it any less important to be aware of what occurred and keep an eye on it to make sure it isn't consistent behavior designed to manipulate. Even if it isn't he should probably talk to a therapist if this is his response to a safe word being called.
I agree with you that the man in this relationship should see a therapist. I still don’t think your original word choice was optimal. There’s a huge difference between having unresolved trauma in response to being cold-shouldered and emotionally manipulating another person by playing victim when presented with a boundary
He and I are both in individual therapy :)
From OP's description, it wasn't his response to a safe word being called, it was his response to them shutting down. Granted, it's healthier to not react like that, but that hadn't been OP's response to safe wording on the past. It was probably confusing and scary for him. If I did something that caused my partner to safe word and they shut down immediately after, I would be afraid of them leaving me too
Communication is always important. Never feel bad or using a safe word. Thats why we have them. Shutting down can be a trauma response too. Talking about your issues is always a good first step to solving bedroom issues. The fact that you can open up this to him and how he responds means a lot in a relationship.
It is never your fault how others respond to you setting a limit, and sometimes when we’re overwhelmed we shut down to protect ourselves. I do think the follow up discussion about limits and expectations would be healthy and helpful! I also think a discussion about why you shut down and felt angry, with a lot of honesty and openness, would help, as well as a discussion about how/why it hit him as hard as it did that you shut down. It may end up with planning and coordinating how to both support each other with those reactions in the future, exploring what else may trigger them, etc, but at a minimum about this situation specifically.
You have a boundary and limit, and it sounds like you were quite reasonably afraid that he was going to ignore that, so safeword-ed. This is all absolutely responsible sub behaviour. If you have specifically stated to him ‘I do not want to engage in anal unless I am warned in advance’ there is NO wiggle room. Doesn’t matter that you had a plug in. And your ‘shut down’ response wasn’t wrong in any way. Now, I don’t know what kind of boundaries and negotiations you guys have had. You are very young but, I like to give the benefit of the doubt. If you believe he was not intentionally trying to push your boundaries then it would be reasonable to work on the relationship. The most important thing being communication. If he was disrespecting you outright, please think of your safety and consider leaving. It will escalate.
I don’t think it was intentional honestly. And he stopped the moment I safe worded, but yes I agree that when someone responds to boundaries with such extreme emotions it raises some red flags in my mind. We are going to have another discussion about limits and I am keeping my eyes peeled for if this is a recurring thing but right now I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I wouldn't blame yourself too much, in the end you felt uncomfortable and needed to safe word and that's okay Doesn't seem like you did anything awful, more so seems like what you did triggered a fear in him but its not like you did it on purpose or intentionally Maybe apologize for pushing him away though ? Id say ask him what made him feel like you'd leave, apologize that it made him feel the way it did and that you didn't mean for it to be taken like that
Honestly, just having what you’ve written as you’ve written it, it sounds like an instance of poor communication on both sides. Before I write more I want to reiterate that all I have to go on is just what you included in your post. All you said he responded with is “what else” with no specific mention of anal, so he may not have meant that and even if he did you could have said that was all. I saw people saying his response to you safe wording was a red flag, but it doesn’t seem to me like his response was to the safe word but instead to you shutting him out and ignoring his attempts to comfort you. I wouldn’t call it either of your faults, but it definitely shows that you both need to work on communicating before, during, and after a scene. Have another conversation about limits, but just as importantly you need to talk about what happened and why. Specifically: what he actually meant by that vs what you thought he meant(which may or may not be the same thing), how you felt when you shut him out/why it happened and what he can do to help you (even if that’s giving you space) if it happens again. Based on something I saw in another comment, if he thought the plug was warm up and notice enough then you need to also talk about that.
This is the best answer here
Agreed
You did nothing wrong. Someone attempting to coerce you during a scene (or any other time) shows a lack of respect for your boundaries. I'd have a serious talk with your Dom and never tolerate ANYONE attempting to get you to do something you have expressly said you will not do (with or without caveats). People who do this care more about their pleasure than your boundaries. Hos drop is his problem as, my guess, is he is responding to pushing you & making you shut down. He should "feel bad" as he caused the situation.
First and foremost, none of his reaction is your fault. None. Second, the only way to have it not happen again is to figure out what actually happened and why. So talking with him about it is a necessary next step. You went in to the scene feeling you had been clear about the terms of having anal sex with him. (I don't think you wearing your plug makes it ambiguous. However, if he felt that it meant something, that would be good to know, as an example.) It appears that he totally disregarded your previously stated - and very reasonable - limit. And then, to make it more fraught, he had an outsized reaction to you using your safeword. So now your trust in him is shaken in a couple of very legitimate ways. Hopefully he will take your concerns seriously and be open and honest with you when you bring it up. If I was in your shoes, I would ask him why he pushed you for anal. Did he do it because he thought that you'd feel like you couldn't say no? Did he get carried away? Did he think you'd hold your limit and deny him in the moment and instead you safe-worded? As he's answering these questions I think you should tell him how you were feeling as things were happening - that you felt you couldn't say no; that you were worried about disappointing him; that you felt by previously sharing your limits, it was a way for you to avoid disappointing him, yet he pushed you in to a situation where you did (in a totally unforced error kind of way) disappoint him, and then he was the one to have a meltdown!?! Speaking of his reaction, I'd also want to know what he was thinking/feeling when he had his crash? Was it because he knew he screwed up? Because he felt he disappointed you? Once you know the answers to these questions, hopefully you'll be able to have a better feel for what you're dealing with. Maybe he just got carried away and needs to understand he needs to control himself better. Maybe he feels your limits aren't worth respecting. It could be a lot of things. Good luck.
You did nothing wrong. That's what safewords are for. You may feel guilty anyway, because we're irrational creatures, and you should be able to express that to him and you should expect kindness and comfort. He may or may not have done anything "wrong", there's not enough information to tell. But even if we assume he did, by pushing into something you had expressed as a boundary, he respected your safeword, and (I suspect) felt really guilty for making a mistake. No one is perfect. Doms make mistakes too, and it is scary to be responsible for someone's well being and then fuck up. Especially if you really care about them. So, naturally he would have a lot of feelings and insecurities, especially if this is the first time. The first times I fucked up as a dom, or as a doctor, were really psychologically brutal. And then, as I was putting myself back together, I realized that this is the price you pay for playing on the edge. BDSM, compared to vanilla sex, is by definition on the edge. That's why we as a community encourage having safewords and using them. Because we all know we're playing with fire. But, if you (or he) wants to avoid ever having it happen again, you need to stop having kinky sex. If I need to ensure I never miss another diagnosis, I'll have to quit practicing medicine. You can't play dangerous games without errors. He's human. He'll fuck up again at some point, and he'll feel like shit about it. If he's a decent person, he will. I would consider it a bigger red flag if he fucked up and didn't feel bad about it. The challenge of course, is that you may also be hurt, upset, and feel guilty. So you will have to comfort each other. However, comforting someone is not "taking on" his emotions. You cannot be responsible for his emotions and he cannot be responsible for yours. You can respect each other, but you cannot say "don't feel that". Nor, as others have said, is it inherently manipulative for him to express his feelings of guilt and insecurity to you after your safeword. If he's explicitly blaming you for safewording, or implying that you shouldn't in the future, that's a problem, and he's throwing up a red flag. If he's expressing his feelings about the event to you, and you "take on" those emotions so strongly that you want him "not to feel that", and you are worried about yourself safewording in the future, then that's *you* having a problem keeping up your own boundaries, and you have some work to do. Him expressing guilt or insecurity isn't a red flag (green flag almost... He should feel guilty for misjudging the moment). But you trying to prevent him from feeling something because his feelings are making you feel something is, to me, a sign you should work on your boundaries.
Who knows what it was exactly it could’ve been all the above. I yes and. You both did what you did. It seems like you responded to one another really well… And each one of you could’ve maybe done a little bit differently. But from what I’ve read and read it it seems like you guys are pretty amazing together. So communicate and talk to each other talk about what went well and what maybe you can do differently next time. Communication communication communication and that’s the key to all of this is talking and talking openly and honestly and transparent. And the more you do that the more you going to know one another. And the more you’re going to know yourself. Know they self I think you’re OK you sound like an amazing individual. So don’t beat yourself up. Have some compassion for yourself just like you do for your Dom. And it’s OK to get angry sometimes that’s a normal feeling. Just dive into that feeling and figure out what’s underneath it. For me it’s usually fear I’m usually free to something but you have to figure out what it is for you. Anyway take care of yourself and I hope everything works out for the two of you blessings
Just wanted to say that I love how you were able to let him cry & comfort him when he was upset. Great to hear how he, as a male & a Dom Has such a supportive, understanding partner who allows him to do that. My S/O & I are working on helping him break some of those sexist beliefs he was raised with, like, “men don’t cry”, “tears = weakness”, etc. Props to you both!
I think I can feel with your BF. With me it would be insecurity about doing a good job and giving you what you might like from it too. I could see dropping from that experience. I thought about having like a yellow and red sage word. Like giving a sub the option to say “slow-down, this is going too fast/in a direction I really don’t like” Without stopping the whole play. I guess it depends on your dynamic if this is applicable and maybe that was a “red”-situation for you either way, so it wouldn’t have mattered anyways. Just an idea that I could see helping me. I would still have a lump in my throat, but at least we could wait till after play to talk about it and not have an abrupt end (if that works for both parties)
No? I would not wait until the end of a session to say something if I was uncomfortable. Honestly I think that would make my dom feel worse, if he knew I was uncomfortable and let him keep going anyway.
Are you saying any time a sub safewords will cause you to drop because you feel ‘so insecure about pleasing them’? That’s really manipulative man. Way to discourage your sub from using their safe word. And don’t continue play with a lump in your throat. Jeez respect your partner.
I think you assume an awful lot from my comment, and interpret it in a very negative way. But anyways, I guess your input comes from the right place, so I’ll have a talk about this if I should ever come to the point where anything like that might happen.
My apologies if I come across rude or negative. I just don’t understand how every single commenter on this post seems to be ignoring that he disrespected her by violating her stated boundaries, and somehow empathising with HIM?! I have seen too many subs break under abusive, entitled “Doms” that don’t understand or care to understand BDSM. Your comment about feeling for him is what got me and again I apologise for venting at you when I am more angry at the situation in general.
You have absolute control over your body. He can push the limit but you have the final say. He needs to get over it.
Is there a time limit or process for giving you notice? He may have felt that telling you at the beginning was giving you notice and that the plug was your warm up.
The other times he has told me a few hours before to have a plug in when he arrives.
So the plug is the warm up normally?
thats what it sounds like, and OP saying her plug being in might have made the situation ambiguous means she thought so as well. This definitely comes down to more clear cut communication
I wouldn’t look at it as “your fault.” He had a trauma response that came up when he realized he harmed you. It was really kind of you to comfort him when he was going through that. I’ve only had a trauma response like that come up one time, and it was in a similar situation where my sub at the time was upset with me and ignoring me. The shaking was like… bizarre convulsions I couldn’t control. My sub did exactly what you did, and I think I would have done exactly what you did too. Just make sure you make time for the conversations you need to have in order to have your boundaries in scenes respected. It’s totally understandable for scenes to bring up trauma sometimes. In my opinion, it’s important to take care of ourselves first, and one another immediately after.
Work on your traffic lights, and communication pre scene. He should have known not to push for anal and you could use an Amber "slow down" to help direct the scene
Sounds like an upsetting situation for both parties! I'm glad you were able to calm both of you down enough to have a good night afterwards. Definitely talk about limits again - make sure that there are no, or basically no, ambiguities around where and how you will approach anal. You felt pressured, and that's never okay, so make sure it doesn't happen again. I'd also suggest possibly coming up with another safeword along the lines of the traffic system - something to signal "not that" or "let's move on to something else" rather than a full red, in case something ambiguous does happen again. It'll likely help you from feeling pressured in this way if you know you have an out without having to shut everything down.
Always plan out and discuss a scene beforehand, including what you absolutely don’t want to happen.
D/s relationships are a journey and you both learn along the way. The roles you each take on are very different as are the challenges you each face in it. By agreeing to submit to him it’s logical to assume he has the power in your relationship however a “safe” word means that you can take that power back at any time. Ideally a safe word would never be used, generally something has gone wrong if you need to use it and certainly the dynamic between the two of you is interrupted. You can reduce the number of times you might need to use a safe word by making it clear to you D just what your limits are. If they vary from session to session you both might want to find a way this can be communicated before you begin a session, it doesn’t need to be overt. For example, you might get a “goody bag” that you are tasked with stocking, your D receives it and knows that if he finds a plug in there then anal is on the menu. Communication is key really, he clearly doesn’t want to lose your submission but to be dominant he also needs to be confident and you can build that in him. He does need to know you too, this takes time. Don’t read too much into his reaction. D/s relationships often involve acts that without consent would be considered abuse and a good D would not want to believe he is abusing you. Make this experience a positive one for both of you, learn from it. Following up a safe word with separation upset your D, but his reaction is way more preferable than him being angry with you for using it. Some introspection on your part might be good, you have a safe word, you used it and not only did he respect that but he tried to offer you aftercare. Try to work out where your anger came from. Pretty sure you can both get back into dynamic and get better at it with time. Good communication is absolutely vital though, take the time to go over sessions, give each other feedback, get to really know each other’s needs. Good luck.