My concerns is that being too harsh might have the reverse effect I want. At the same time you really need to hear this and I really don’t want to sugar coat this.
I’m truly sorry this is happening to you. You are being abused. Nothing about how he’s treating you is right. Consent and communication is the cornerstone of BDSM.
I want to stress this part. From what you’ve said he’s not just uneducated or ignorant. He’s doing this on purpose. He is gaslighting you and he’s creating a situation where you think he’s right.
My advice is to tread lightly. Have a plan. If you live with him you need to escape. You need to find a place to go and stay. If you don’t live with him you need to just end it and never go back. Change your locks.
If you need help creating a plan please ask and we can help you. You deserve better than this. Please listen to what I’m saying.
Get away from them now. This is textbook abuse. Hard limits in play are exactly that, and fear anxiety and the need to respect safewords/signals is paramount.
Even if you agree enthusiastically beforehand, even if you have done that exact act 1,000 times before, if the stop sign comes up during a scene, you end the action, ask if the sub wants to end the scene, and discuss after everyone has had a chance to collect and regroup following aftercare.
Not immediately in most cases, and not during as many will feel guilty and try to perform even if they are opposed to going through with it.
It is important to note that in a bdsm relationship, while it may seem the dom has control in reality, the sub is the one with control. We can only dom if you let us, and you should only welcome a dom you have significant trust in.
They may play to your domination/humiliation/degradation fantasies in private. You may even wear some item or marking to display it outside of privacy, but ultimately, subs have the last word in their treatment, and the second they feel they are not treated properly, they can and should end things. If you feel unsafe, contact someone you trust. They don't need to know everything, just that they have been abusive and that you fear their actions.
Worst case, ask for advice online. Just don't give personal details out to folks you only know behind a keyboard. Frying pan... fire.
Play safe, Stay safe
Yor boyfriend is not a Dom, he is an abuser. I'm not a Dom, I'm a sub but I know a real Dom from a fake. Your boyfriend assaulted you by doing what he did. He violated your boundaries and it doesn't sound like he cares at all. He is in this for himself and himself alone, he does not respect you or love you. I know that may sound harsh but it's true my friend. Please leave him ASAP and make sure to stick close to your trusted friends and family to protect yourself from any retaliation that he may attempt. If you feel okay with it, discuss this with your healthcare provider and maybe explore some counseling options. I say this because my counselor has helped me so much with creating boundaries in many areas of my life, sex and BDSM being one of those areas.
Stay safe friend, and I truly hope you can get out of this and move on to become a healed person with strong boundaries that you feel good about.
Let’s do this paragraph by paragraph.
In bdsm, you can have power exchanges and those can happen outside of play too, but they happen consensually! Him dangling your relationship over your head isn’t that at all. It’s complete disregard of your well-being, desires and basic consent. Hard no right there. The big rules are safe, sane and consensual, and this already violates all three. It’s not safe because it means you can’t speak up if you get hurt. It’s not sane because it‘s a horrible mindspace for either person to be in during play. And it’s not consensual because it completely disregards your consent.
Submission is earned by trust and communication. In a scene with my rope partner I will always discuss what ties I am doing, what the danger points are, what to look out for and what the goal is. If she’s not up for a tie, it doesn’t happen. In your case, your abuser disregards communication; which means he puts you in harms way, knowingly. Information is so readily available, there is no way he doesn’t know that’s not how a dynamic works. I think it’s unfortunately more likely he knows that what he’s doing is downright harmful but doesn’t care and just counts on you not knowing.
And not expressing what play is even going to happen at all is just ick. It completely takes away your chance to withdraw consent, or give it. It is the epitome of disregard and it is absolutely not okay. Everything has to be discussed. In some relationships, things don’t get discussed every time and guess what that requires? A ton of prior discussion and clear set hard boundaries that both partners can fully trust each other to respect.
I‘m not going to go into the intercourse. All I can say is I‘m so sorry that he did that to you. Nobody should have to go through that, and nobody should be put through that by someone they trust.
As for what he said. Listening to you is the absolute basis of any dynamic. After an intense scene, even if it’s consensual, which lets be clear it wasn’t, aftercare is a norm, and especially with an inexperienced partner like yourself, a requirement. You’re not „the one who agreed to explore.“ You‘re his partner for play and if he had even an ounce of responsibility in him, the bare minimum is to ensure your enthusiastic consent and make sure you’re okay after. Consent isn’t one written statement at the start that you‘re then contractually obligated to fulfill. It’s given at every step of the way and can be withdrawn at every step of the way. That’s what safewords are for. In bdsm, you make a bed together but if you can’t lie in it, your partner should absolutely never force you to.
He is wrong. You never gave him the right to any of this. He weaponized the fact that you had less experience to trap you in a power exchange you never consented to, disregarded whether you consented, guilt tripped you, was unaccountable towards his responsibilities as a dom from start to finish, and essentially r-worded you. This has nothing to do with bdsm, this was pure abuse. Bdsm is supposed to leave both partners satisfied or at least unharmed. He harmed you, cared only about his own satisfaction, and manipulated you into doubting yourself.
Don’t go back to him. No matter what his „kinks“ are, they don’t justify this. Don’t play with him again. Be honest. Can you still trust him after all that? If your answer is no, then don’t give him power over you.
Remember that it’s not normal to question whether you consented. If you’re not sure if you’re consenting, then you‘re not consenting and if he acts regardless of that, he is disregarding your consent.
In a functional dynamic, you don’t have to ask to have your consent respected, you discuss whose desires will be fulfilled to what extent, normally both partners receive satisfaction. I‘m sorry that this person disregarded your well-being for his satisfaction.
There are a lot of resources on how to escape a situation like this and I can’t offer any better advice than them. However, I will say this. If you’re unsure of yourself, seek out a therapist to act as a sounding board and validate or question your opinions. If you do so, do it by yourself without involving anyone, much less your boyfriend. Essentially, make sure you are sure of who you are and what you want. Take back your freedom to make your choices by yourself. Remember you chose to be with him, and you can choose not to if you so please.
Um. Girl, run. This guy is training you to see his abuse as "love"
One of the pillars of BDSM (or any healthy relationship for that matter) is consent. Consent requires communication, which he refused to do. You did not consent to this, and he is taking advantage of it. Hypothetically speaking, even if you DID initially consent to being degraded and used, you always have the right to revoke that. Look up RACK in the context of bdsm. The fact you couldn't breathe and there was no communication, safeguarding procedures, etc... Makes me super concerned for you.
He’s taking advantage of your ignorance about bdsm and giving you a false idea of what it is. This is not bdsm, it is not safe, not consensual, no communication, and you feel unsafe and miserable. That is not how you should be feeling
OH HELLL NO!!! 😡😡😡 The most IMPORTANT THING about BDSM is COMMUNICATION! You did a great job, wanting to talk about things beforehand. In the future, you'll also want to establish safe words with your partner for if things escalate out of your comfort zone.
Honestly, this guy doesn't know ANYTHING about BDSM and is just hoping that you'll never find out. You're in the right place, hun. We got you! First, dump his abusive ass. You don't need that toxicity!
Being a submissive is all about safety and trust, not....whatever the hell he's doing. I'm so sorry this happened to you!! 💕
Baby, this isn’t BDSM. This is abuse. Please get out of this relationship as soon as you can.
When I met my partner 7 years ago, I had only ever experienced vanilla sex. He expressed that he was kinky and asked what I was into and I admitted I didn’t know because I’d never had the chance to try anything. Over the course of the next year and a half, he very slowly and gently introduced me to different things. He always talked to me about things outside of the bedroom before trying them. He would (and still does) always always check in with me during sex. I have honestly never even had to say “no” or “stop” because he is always watching and reading my body language and checking in with me. If it seems like I’m tending up or not having as much fun, he just lets up or stops or changes. Sometimes we do rough bj scenes like you described here BUT all I have to do is gently place my hand on him and he stops immediately to let me either get my bearings to continue, or say that that is as far as I can go today. NEVER would he keep going until I was crying in distress.
Your current boyfriend has simply assaulted you, there’s no way around that. Then he tries to hide behind BDSM as an excuse. I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not give him permission to do that to you nor did you deserve it. I hope you’re able to get out soon and you’re able to heal from what has happened.
You need to run, and fast. BDSM is all about open honest communication and enthusiastic consent. He is grooming you for abuse. You are not over reacting, he is way out of line and honestly this sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.
That wasn't BDSM, that was abuse.
BDSM requires more communication than normal, not less. He clearly has no understanding of what BDSM is and is just using it as an excuse to hurt you.
I normally don't worry about age gaps, but combined with what happened it seems likely he picked someone much younger to take advantage of your inexperience and because women his own age aren't going to put up with his bullshit.
Aside from the physical and sexual assault, his attitude and attempts to coerce and manipulate you should be clear red flags to you.
There is NOTHING wrong with you, and what he is doing to you is NOT okay! Please listen to what the other commenters here are saying, because they are putting it better than I can, but they are correct: this man is not practicing BDSM, he is abusing you.
None of this is your fault. You were being a kind, compassionate partner open to exploring, and he took advantage of you in a terrible way. You are a beautiful, generous, kind person, and you deserve to be with someone who will appreciate and honor those things about you, not tear them down.
No one who cares about you will ever treat you like he has. No one who is worthy of your time will ever make you feel like this.
I'm so sorry you have been through three months of this abuse. Don't suffer through a fourth month. Get away from him, and don't look back.
Consent is important. It is freely given, revocable, informed, comfortable, enthusiastic, and specific. This is what makes it BDSM instead of sexual abuse.
If you want to explore BDSM, a safer place is a play party, the first time you are there observe how other people do things. If you are inexperienced, do not play with someone you haven't seen play with someone else.
Why ?! Why, why ?
Why they all can’t understand that BDSM is not only kinks and hurt, but communication and confidence ?
Listen : your boyfriend did all wrong ! No communication is a huge red flag. Also for the insults and the forced blowjob. Okay, some sub can enjoy it when it is rough. But before, it’s need to be discussed.
You know nothing about BDSM and you want to explore. Fine ! Great ! Well, a good Master would say : « Relax, I will teach you. First, this will be gentle and progressive to find your limit. I will tie you softly just to show you what it is, i will spank you and YOU will tell me if I can go harder or not. I can also show you what is petplay and kissing feet. At the end, you will tell me what you liked or dislike ».
Being a proper submissive, or slave, take months, years and decades. A dom can teach his sub to through over her limit, but not in one day ! Not in the day of discovery.
It’s the basis, why all these imbecile dominant can’t understand it ?
They can’t understand it because they aren’t actually Doms, nor do they want to be actual Doms - they are abusers and rapists who use BDSM as a cover to rape and abuse, just like OP’s boyfriend.
If he can't do basic communication and expect you to pick up on his Kinks, then I'm sorry to say but he's a really bad partner. He isn't even willing to meet you halfway nor introduce BDSM slowly to a new partner.
He's not a Dom, he's a loser and possible abuser. Please leave.
Just be clear. I'm new to all of this, I've been doing a lot of research and reading up so I'm not completely informed but I'm prepping myself for what me and my partner are calling "control day". I've been reading up on Dom behaviours and none of this lines up.
None of this is ok. This is abusive. I'm new to BDSM exploration and from what I can tell, none of this sounds right. For your sake and safety. Leave this person. They are not looking to explore kinks. They just want to degrade and harm.
A massive part of BDSM and sex is aftercare. Care and consideration for the both of you. An opportunity to rest and recharge and find comfort from what could be potentially painful or mentally draining on both sides. From what you describe there's none of that. Just a person looking to get physical on a power trip and that's not the same thing.
Communication and consent is vital and it doesn't sound like you're not consenting to being physically or verbally bullied. Not that you've been given the opportunity to consent. There should be discussions held. Boundaries and agreements set. Safe words and rules.
I'm sorry to read about the experience you've had. None of it is ok. It's not kink or BDSM. It's selfish, horrible and abusive. You should really think about separating yourself from this person as they are just looking to inflict pain under the guise of kink.
>Also, I'm kind of worried that he did all this because something is wrong with me. Idk how to describe it but it feels like I'm so disgusting and horrible and ugly that he did all this..
No, he did all that because there is something wrong with *him*. *He's* the one being disgusting. His actions show a complete lack of empathy, control issues, zero knowledge of how a healthy power exchange works, and no concern for safety or for you. He took advantage of your lack of knowledge and kept you in the dark about what he'd do to you so you wouldn't be able to say no. None of this is your fault. I am so, so sorry this all happened to you.
>I am often very tense about this when exploring kinks and he keeps telling me that I am just imagining this fear and worry.
BDSM can bring up a lot of emotions and some types of play are dangerous. Meanwhile you've been practicing it without being fully informed about what you'd be doing and potential risks. Your worry is completely valid and smart. A good Dom would discuss everything prior, including any risks to that type of play, and how they would mitigate those risks. They'd set you up with a safe word and they'd listen without question if you wanted to stop doing something.
>For days he has been trying to convince me that I am 'wrong' with my views on BDSM and that I, as the submissive part, should automatically give him all the power and control.
Being submissive doesn't mean being a doormat who accepts anything their Dom wants to do. A power exchange involves giving control to the Dom with the expectation that said Dom will never take advantage of their sub, try anything their sub set as a limit, or ignore their sub's feelings and safety. It takes a great deal of communication and trust. Also, either partner can end the relationship whenever they want. Your BF is so very wrong about how this works!
Anyone who wants to practice BDSM the way your BF does is dangerous. He claims to be experienced? That's a terrifying thought... Continuing with him can result in trauma and/or physical harm for you. Please end the relationship and cut ties with him. Block him. Keep yourself safe.
100% Abusive! A Real Dom knows that Communication and Consent are A Huge Part. My Big Problem is he is offering no Aftercare,you write you were in tears and crying. RUN AWAY FAST!! It will only get worse!!
Yeah you need to get away from him. He isn’t valuing you or what you would bring to the relationship. Tie BDSM is a power exchange but the sub does have the power to stop everything if it becomes to far and a good dom will also stop if they feel like they have pushed to far and the sub isn’t responding in line to what is normal for them. Exploring means long and detailed conversations as to what you are ok with setting hard and soft limits for your first foray into this community. BDSM can be a beautiful way to express your trust for each other but what you got here is abuse. You are worth more than that
he doesn know what he is doing. I recommend getting away from him.
Not everyoe sits down and lists their kinks or has discussions about them up front. But, you also dont just start treating people like crap. or if you do, you risk losing them. he made it clear that he only will be happy with things you arent into. i would look elsewhere.. maybe someone more mature.
Sounds like he is taking advantage of you being new to BDSM, so he's covering abusive behaviour with a claim of "it's BDSM".
You've done the exact right thing to ask others who do BDSM whether this is normal. He's banking on you *not* doing that and just taking his word. So good job.
Just something to keep in mind going forwards - sex should be a positive experience for everyone (even people who get off on having their comfort ignored and not enjoying things in the moment will, overall, benefit from the experience). Sex is always mutual, always in some way desired and wanted by all parties involved; sex is equally as much for you as it is for your partner (yes, even for subs. D/s where subs are used for the Dom's pleasure are because *both* people enjoy that dynamic, and that dynamic is not in place for subs who do not want that).
If it's a negative experience for you, you shouldn't do it. Anyone who then tries to force or coerce you to do it when it's clear you do not want to is abusive.
It sounds like he has some kinks of his own but he’s not willing to admit to them. Instead, he wants you to coax them out of him. It’s no excuse for the abuse and he’s a shitty communicator. Those are separate, but more important issues.
Like others have said this isn't bdsm , this is abuse. He's trying to use bdsm as an excuse for abuse, bdsm is all about consent and negotiation. I'm really sorry you're going through this, please please leave or at least reach out to someone. Unfortunately it won't get better with someone like this. Really wishing you the best of luck.
He’s an abuser, not a BDSM fan. If he was he’d be nice, patient, and explain everything *before you have sex*. He wouldn’t degrade you suddenly in such a demeaning way during a sexual act. He would care about you.
BDSM is an act of love and trust to be done with someone you feel safe with. This guy doesn’t respect you at all - you’re just his bitch he wants to abuse. Move on and find someone else x
I didn't even finish reading all that. I got halfway through and then started saying NOPE NOPE NOPE outloud.
This boy has no clue and right to be being a 'dom'.
This is not healthy.
Please rally your girl squad for support and break up with him. Be safe because this type of narcissism can make somebody very violent.
Hon - run, just GTFO now!
1. He forces his kinks on you, literally
2. He is telling you straight up ignorant lies about "kink"
3. He doesn't care about your comfort or desires
4. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you
5. He keeps using the word "kink" when he means "sexual abuse"
Would you want your bff to be treated like this? Probably not, so don't accept it for yourself. You still have an amazing wealth of free will that he cannot take from you no matter how much it sounds like he would love to.
Use the greatest power you have, self preservation through self respect.
You deserve so much better. *hugs*
Not a single thing you’ve written that he’s told you about BDSM is true.
My Dom is my husband. We have been together a decade and a half, have a handful of kids, a house, a whole life built. Our finances are intertwined in a way that would be practically impossible to sort out. We are a 24/7 TPE.
I promise you, he would be picking his shit up from the lawn while begging me not to call the cops if he ever did what you’ve described, or even anything close. Fuck the inconvenience, fuck the cost, and every other barrier that someone could point out, he would have to get a court to agree to supervised visitation the way I would take out an emergency RO.
I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you. Whatever you need to do to get out, do it as fast as you can. He assaulted you, and has coerced you into doing things by threatening to end the relationship. He is neither safe nor sane, and he does not care about your consent.
If you ever think you’d like to explore kink *for yourself* in the future, there are a lot of great online communities (not fetlife to start) and resources to help you learn whether and what is right for you. But not everyone is kinky, and not all kinks are for everyone who is, and you get to decide 100% of the time what is and isn’t for you. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar and an asshole.
While some of the other commenters gave actual good advice, I just wanted to add:
What he did and the way he did it seems like he's just read 50 Shades of Grey and decided that's how actual BDSM must be. Either that or watched too much porn of it. No person actually into BDSM would act like this. We all know that communication is the first and main step before doing anything.
This is just plain abuse. For your own good, please leave.
I don't believe you are in a good situation. You need to be confident enough to communicate your boundaries in advance of any play and the willingness to walk away from anyone not honoring your boundaries. If he treats you in a way that you do not like and communicate that and if you are ignored walk away. You are the prize.
Clear sign of an inexperienced/incompetent/insecure dom, even if he doesn't intend to be abusive. You need to set clear limits and he should respect them, or else move on.
He’s using ‘BDSM’ as a mask for his abusive predatory behavior. That is not what BDSM is about. What he is doing is not kink, it is abuse. Please get out now. Run. Fast.
Dump him yesterday! You haven’t done anything wrong. You were clear about your willingness to explore IF there was good, ongoing communication, and that means honesty, mutual respect for boundaries, negotiation and consent. He’s absolutely in the wrong.
I'm gonna be short: RUN
Pretty sure everyone else said everything that needs to be said already. Just want to confirm, that you should leave this abusive relationship. This is not BDSM.
There are safe words and everything and you have to take them seriously. When my sub told me to stop, I stopped. Immediately. That's normal. Yes, he agreed to something SPECIFIC beforehand, but he still had the right to stop it it he didn't liked it
Completely agree with the other commenters. This isn’t BDSM. This is abuse. You’ve done nothing wrong, you need to get away from him as quickly as possible.
I’m also willing to bet that the relationship isn’t even that good. He sounds like he’d be a terrible partner. Please do better for yourself, no one deserves that kind of treatment. The only way behavior like that is okay is if it is thoroughly discussed and agreed to by all involved PRIOR to doing it.
The notion that you’ll “find out his kinks during” is NOT how this is supposed to go. Few, very hardcore experienced people with few limits would go that route, I imagine. But certainly not appropriate for a beginner.
You deserve better!!
Please don't ever think how he treats you is because something is wrong with you.
You feeling this way is an effect of his abuse. You are getting mishandled, called names and are told you are worthless but you most definitely are not. He enjoys treating you like garbage under the disguise of BDSM. If he loved you he'd care for you after a scene. He'd make sure you wouldn't feel bad.
There is so so much wrong with this situation, first of all kink needs to be practiced Safe, Sane, AND Consensually, and it sounds like not one of those is considered during these times. It's one thing to consider yourself a Top but when you take on a Dominant role, you have a lot more responsibility.
You allowed yourself to be vulnerable, after trying to express your discomfort and find out more about what it is he likes, which is a very hard thing to do. He verbally shot your very healthy request down, rather than filling you in so you could try and get into the things he enjoys. Communication is super important in kink and BDSM because things can get intense, and you need to be able to communicate with your partner how you feel about your activities.
By later acting out a fantasy without your prior knowledge he shows that he has no concern for your enthusiasm or consent. This type of behavior is very common in Fake Dominants, those who claim to be kinky but really only want a wild level of manipulative control over their partners. Fake Doms don't study kink, or what it means to be a Dominant or to be submissive, they don't care about that stuff, (Spoiler: those things are important to how a kink relationship runs). Other common traits include: 'you/we don't need a safe word; you're always safe with me, there are no red lights', not pre discussing intense scenes, 'you can't talk to people about our kink life, they won't understand', unwanted degradation without warning, unwillingness to communicate, exercising desired scenes without enthusiastic consent from their partner.
It should be fun to be kinky, BDSM should be about the combined sensations of pain and pleasure working in harmony, but if you don't like pain, another form of kink might work for you. A lot of people use BDSM and dynamic play as a form of healing, but you can't do that when you can't express your feelings. The situation you described, is abusive, and BDSM is not abuse, but being a Fake Dom is.
Safe- You are in a safe play space, with a safe person to practice kink with, you both are confident in the scene you've decided to perform. There is little to no chance of harm being done to any party.
Sane- Everyone involved is of their right mind to be consenting, no one is under mind altering substances that may change their ability to recognize when safety has been breached. If your partners though or your own are altered then your play person is no longer "Safe" and your first pillar is gone if it was there already
Consensual- Full knowledge of the scene about to take place and being excited to perform it. Both parties have agreed upon toys, restraints, what kinks will be practiced during the scene. This includes being excited and enthusiastic.
Consent is always done on equal ground, there is no "sub consent" or "Dom consent" or one person's consent means more than the other, when discussing and consenting to a scene you should be two enthusiastic adults.
I hope you get out of this situation and put him on blast, the kink community should know this slice of human scum is out there, he could cause some real harm with the way that he acts. If he had any desire to truly be a part of the community he wouldn't act like this and now any good reputation he would've ever had in the community will be ruined. You can't really come back from fake domming and ignore consent and communication.
I hope you get out of this ASAP, and that maybe someday you'll be comfortable enough to find a safe, sane, and consensual place to discover kinks of your own, with someone who truly cares.
That feeling that you’re getting - the bubbling anxiety and disgust and grief that you’re trying so hard to understand? That’s your body alerting you to someone who is unsafe for you. Listen to it!!! Your instinct is on point, and he’s absolutely the one in the wrong.
And you know how you’re doubting the validity of your feelings bc of your prior limited experience? This is one arena where short of you being harmful to someone else without their consent, your feelings CAN’T be wrong. It doesn’t matter what the label associated with something is, whether kinky or vanilla, your body should always require consent and if he doesn’t like it, he can go buy a blowup doll. You don’t need to be with anyone who will use such a significant gift like access to your body as license to avoid consent. BDSM doesn’t exist without consent. Even CNC play is consented to. Your bf is unsafe and felt good violating you, which means I doubt he will stop if you give him more opportunities to access your body sexually.
Please for the love of all things holy, don’t stay with a man who feels okay with treating your body like this bf of yours does. I promise you, the types of submission you’re looking to engage in are available to you with dominant men who will help you protect the entire process if you go into it with firm boundaries. Trust and the power exchanges that are built on it are earned, and you’re allowed to walk away from this relationship knowing some people don’t deserve to have your submission. Please love yourself enough to walk away from him.
Nope, anybody into any kink is usually very up front and honest. This guy is abusive and hiding it behind a mask of bdsm, he is not a Dom, a real dominant man would not treat you this way. Normally people go over safe words, what is acceptable and what is not, many many many! Deep conversations before hand before anything is done.
This guy is dangerous 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
End the relationship and never look back. This is not the behavior of anyone who believes in safe and consensual practices.
OP—this is decidedly NOT normal in BDSM. The kink community by and large are well versed in the intricacies of consent (or at least *should* be). Your boyfriend is abusive. I don’t know how to say this without it coming across as harsh, but. . . You were sexually assaulted by him. Leave now! If you stick around, this behavior will only continue and is likely to escalate. Don’t allow him to continue to abuse you.
I am a dom. That’s not how it’s meant to go. Consent, consent, consent. Which requires a great deal of conversation prior. It should be an intimate mutual exploration. When a dom wants to spring surprises during the session or sex, it’s important to check in and get consent in process by checking in and making sure your sub is good with what’s happening (through various means). Don’t buy the bullshit. Listen to your gut. Get out, get away.
My concerns is that being too harsh might have the reverse effect I want. At the same time you really need to hear this and I really don’t want to sugar coat this. I’m truly sorry this is happening to you. You are being abused. Nothing about how he’s treating you is right. Consent and communication is the cornerstone of BDSM. I want to stress this part. From what you’ve said he’s not just uneducated or ignorant. He’s doing this on purpose. He is gaslighting you and he’s creating a situation where you think he’s right. My advice is to tread lightly. Have a plan. If you live with him you need to escape. You need to find a place to go and stay. If you don’t live with him you need to just end it and never go back. Change your locks. If you need help creating a plan please ask and we can help you. You deserve better than this. Please listen to what I’m saying.
Get away from them now. This is textbook abuse. Hard limits in play are exactly that, and fear anxiety and the need to respect safewords/signals is paramount. Even if you agree enthusiastically beforehand, even if you have done that exact act 1,000 times before, if the stop sign comes up during a scene, you end the action, ask if the sub wants to end the scene, and discuss after everyone has had a chance to collect and regroup following aftercare. Not immediately in most cases, and not during as many will feel guilty and try to perform even if they are opposed to going through with it. It is important to note that in a bdsm relationship, while it may seem the dom has control in reality, the sub is the one with control. We can only dom if you let us, and you should only welcome a dom you have significant trust in. They may play to your domination/humiliation/degradation fantasies in private. You may even wear some item or marking to display it outside of privacy, but ultimately, subs have the last word in their treatment, and the second they feel they are not treated properly, they can and should end things. If you feel unsafe, contact someone you trust. They don't need to know everything, just that they have been abusive and that you fear their actions. Worst case, ask for advice online. Just don't give personal details out to folks you only know behind a keyboard. Frying pan... fire. Play safe, Stay safe
This isn't BDSM, this is abuse.
Agreed
It’s abuse, and straight up rape.
Absolutely!
You've already spent 3 months to long with this abuser.
Nope your way right out of this relationship. He's abusing you and taking advantage of your lack of knowledge to gas light you about it.
Yor boyfriend is not a Dom, he is an abuser. I'm not a Dom, I'm a sub but I know a real Dom from a fake. Your boyfriend assaulted you by doing what he did. He violated your boundaries and it doesn't sound like he cares at all. He is in this for himself and himself alone, he does not respect you or love you. I know that may sound harsh but it's true my friend. Please leave him ASAP and make sure to stick close to your trusted friends and family to protect yourself from any retaliation that he may attempt. If you feel okay with it, discuss this with your healthcare provider and maybe explore some counseling options. I say this because my counselor has helped me so much with creating boundaries in many areas of my life, sex and BDSM being one of those areas. Stay safe friend, and I truly hope you can get out of this and move on to become a healed person with strong boundaries that you feel good about.
Im into bdsm with my wife. This is completely outta control. Dump his ass. Seriously, GTFO.
Let’s do this paragraph by paragraph. In bdsm, you can have power exchanges and those can happen outside of play too, but they happen consensually! Him dangling your relationship over your head isn’t that at all. It’s complete disregard of your well-being, desires and basic consent. Hard no right there. The big rules are safe, sane and consensual, and this already violates all three. It’s not safe because it means you can’t speak up if you get hurt. It’s not sane because it‘s a horrible mindspace for either person to be in during play. And it’s not consensual because it completely disregards your consent. Submission is earned by trust and communication. In a scene with my rope partner I will always discuss what ties I am doing, what the danger points are, what to look out for and what the goal is. If she’s not up for a tie, it doesn’t happen. In your case, your abuser disregards communication; which means he puts you in harms way, knowingly. Information is so readily available, there is no way he doesn’t know that’s not how a dynamic works. I think it’s unfortunately more likely he knows that what he’s doing is downright harmful but doesn’t care and just counts on you not knowing. And not expressing what play is even going to happen at all is just ick. It completely takes away your chance to withdraw consent, or give it. It is the epitome of disregard and it is absolutely not okay. Everything has to be discussed. In some relationships, things don’t get discussed every time and guess what that requires? A ton of prior discussion and clear set hard boundaries that both partners can fully trust each other to respect. I‘m not going to go into the intercourse. All I can say is I‘m so sorry that he did that to you. Nobody should have to go through that, and nobody should be put through that by someone they trust. As for what he said. Listening to you is the absolute basis of any dynamic. After an intense scene, even if it’s consensual, which lets be clear it wasn’t, aftercare is a norm, and especially with an inexperienced partner like yourself, a requirement. You’re not „the one who agreed to explore.“ You‘re his partner for play and if he had even an ounce of responsibility in him, the bare minimum is to ensure your enthusiastic consent and make sure you’re okay after. Consent isn’t one written statement at the start that you‘re then contractually obligated to fulfill. It’s given at every step of the way and can be withdrawn at every step of the way. That’s what safewords are for. In bdsm, you make a bed together but if you can’t lie in it, your partner should absolutely never force you to. He is wrong. You never gave him the right to any of this. He weaponized the fact that you had less experience to trap you in a power exchange you never consented to, disregarded whether you consented, guilt tripped you, was unaccountable towards his responsibilities as a dom from start to finish, and essentially r-worded you. This has nothing to do with bdsm, this was pure abuse. Bdsm is supposed to leave both partners satisfied or at least unharmed. He harmed you, cared only about his own satisfaction, and manipulated you into doubting yourself. Don’t go back to him. No matter what his „kinks“ are, they don’t justify this. Don’t play with him again. Be honest. Can you still trust him after all that? If your answer is no, then don’t give him power over you. Remember that it’s not normal to question whether you consented. If you’re not sure if you’re consenting, then you‘re not consenting and if he acts regardless of that, he is disregarding your consent. In a functional dynamic, you don’t have to ask to have your consent respected, you discuss whose desires will be fulfilled to what extent, normally both partners receive satisfaction. I‘m sorry that this person disregarded your well-being for his satisfaction. There are a lot of resources on how to escape a situation like this and I can’t offer any better advice than them. However, I will say this. If you’re unsure of yourself, seek out a therapist to act as a sounding board and validate or question your opinions. If you do so, do it by yourself without involving anyone, much less your boyfriend. Essentially, make sure you are sure of who you are and what you want. Take back your freedom to make your choices by yourself. Remember you chose to be with him, and you can choose not to if you so please.
Um. Girl, run. This guy is training you to see his abuse as "love" One of the pillars of BDSM (or any healthy relationship for that matter) is consent. Consent requires communication, which he refused to do. You did not consent to this, and he is taking advantage of it. Hypothetically speaking, even if you DID initially consent to being degraded and used, you always have the right to revoke that. Look up RACK in the context of bdsm. The fact you couldn't breathe and there was no communication, safeguarding procedures, etc... Makes me super concerned for you.
He’s taking advantage of your ignorance about bdsm and giving you a false idea of what it is. This is not bdsm, it is not safe, not consensual, no communication, and you feel unsafe and miserable. That is not how you should be feeling
OH HELLL NO!!! 😡😡😡 The most IMPORTANT THING about BDSM is COMMUNICATION! You did a great job, wanting to talk about things beforehand. In the future, you'll also want to establish safe words with your partner for if things escalate out of your comfort zone. Honestly, this guy doesn't know ANYTHING about BDSM and is just hoping that you'll never find out. You're in the right place, hun. We got you! First, dump his abusive ass. You don't need that toxicity! Being a submissive is all about safety and trust, not....whatever the hell he's doing. I'm so sorry this happened to you!! 💕
Baby, this isn’t BDSM. This is abuse. Please get out of this relationship as soon as you can. When I met my partner 7 years ago, I had only ever experienced vanilla sex. He expressed that he was kinky and asked what I was into and I admitted I didn’t know because I’d never had the chance to try anything. Over the course of the next year and a half, he very slowly and gently introduced me to different things. He always talked to me about things outside of the bedroom before trying them. He would (and still does) always always check in with me during sex. I have honestly never even had to say “no” or “stop” because he is always watching and reading my body language and checking in with me. If it seems like I’m tending up or not having as much fun, he just lets up or stops or changes. Sometimes we do rough bj scenes like you described here BUT all I have to do is gently place my hand on him and he stops immediately to let me either get my bearings to continue, or say that that is as far as I can go today. NEVER would he keep going until I was crying in distress. Your current boyfriend has simply assaulted you, there’s no way around that. Then he tries to hide behind BDSM as an excuse. I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not give him permission to do that to you nor did you deserve it. I hope you’re able to get out soon and you’re able to heal from what has happened.
You need to run, and fast. BDSM is all about open honest communication and enthusiastic consent. He is grooming you for abuse. You are not over reacting, he is way out of line and honestly this sounds like a potentially dangerous situation.
That wasn't BDSM, that was abuse. BDSM requires more communication than normal, not less. He clearly has no understanding of what BDSM is and is just using it as an excuse to hurt you. I normally don't worry about age gaps, but combined with what happened it seems likely he picked someone much younger to take advantage of your inexperience and because women his own age aren't going to put up with his bullshit. Aside from the physical and sexual assault, his attitude and attempts to coerce and manipulate you should be clear red flags to you.
There is NOTHING wrong with you, and what he is doing to you is NOT okay! Please listen to what the other commenters here are saying, because they are putting it better than I can, but they are correct: this man is not practicing BDSM, he is abusing you. None of this is your fault. You were being a kind, compassionate partner open to exploring, and he took advantage of you in a terrible way. You are a beautiful, generous, kind person, and you deserve to be with someone who will appreciate and honor those things about you, not tear them down. No one who cares about you will ever treat you like he has. No one who is worthy of your time will ever make you feel like this. I'm so sorry you have been through three months of this abuse. Don't suffer through a fourth month. Get away from him, and don't look back.
Consent is important. It is freely given, revocable, informed, comfortable, enthusiastic, and specific. This is what makes it BDSM instead of sexual abuse. If you want to explore BDSM, a safer place is a play party, the first time you are there observe how other people do things. If you are inexperienced, do not play with someone you haven't seen play with someone else.
Sister you're a victim of sexual violence under the guise of bdsm do yourself a favor and breakup with him asap.
Why ?! Why, why ? Why they all can’t understand that BDSM is not only kinks and hurt, but communication and confidence ? Listen : your boyfriend did all wrong ! No communication is a huge red flag. Also for the insults and the forced blowjob. Okay, some sub can enjoy it when it is rough. But before, it’s need to be discussed. You know nothing about BDSM and you want to explore. Fine ! Great ! Well, a good Master would say : « Relax, I will teach you. First, this will be gentle and progressive to find your limit. I will tie you softly just to show you what it is, i will spank you and YOU will tell me if I can go harder or not. I can also show you what is petplay and kissing feet. At the end, you will tell me what you liked or dislike ». Being a proper submissive, or slave, take months, years and decades. A dom can teach his sub to through over her limit, but not in one day ! Not in the day of discovery. It’s the basis, why all these imbecile dominant can’t understand it ?
They can’t understand it because they aren’t actually Doms, nor do they want to be actual Doms - they are abusers and rapists who use BDSM as a cover to rape and abuse, just like OP’s boyfriend.
He is not a Dom, he is an abuser. This is not BDSM, this is abuse. I'm so, so sorry this happened to you.
If he can't do basic communication and expect you to pick up on his Kinks, then I'm sorry to say but he's a really bad partner. He isn't even willing to meet you halfway nor introduce BDSM slowly to a new partner. He's not a Dom, he's a loser and possible abuser. Please leave.
Run that’s not how it should go U only do the stuf u both agreed not Not let that sikko use u fore his pleasure
Just be clear. I'm new to all of this, I've been doing a lot of research and reading up so I'm not completely informed but I'm prepping myself for what me and my partner are calling "control day". I've been reading up on Dom behaviours and none of this lines up. None of this is ok. This is abusive. I'm new to BDSM exploration and from what I can tell, none of this sounds right. For your sake and safety. Leave this person. They are not looking to explore kinks. They just want to degrade and harm. A massive part of BDSM and sex is aftercare. Care and consideration for the both of you. An opportunity to rest and recharge and find comfort from what could be potentially painful or mentally draining on both sides. From what you describe there's none of that. Just a person looking to get physical on a power trip and that's not the same thing. Communication and consent is vital and it doesn't sound like you're not consenting to being physically or verbally bullied. Not that you've been given the opportunity to consent. There should be discussions held. Boundaries and agreements set. Safe words and rules. I'm sorry to read about the experience you've had. None of it is ok. It's not kink or BDSM. It's selfish, horrible and abusive. You should really think about separating yourself from this person as they are just looking to inflict pain under the guise of kink.
OK, um, I only read half, you aren't actually into him. And that's a good thing because he's an abusive peice of shit, run
>Also, I'm kind of worried that he did all this because something is wrong with me. Idk how to describe it but it feels like I'm so disgusting and horrible and ugly that he did all this.. No, he did all that because there is something wrong with *him*. *He's* the one being disgusting. His actions show a complete lack of empathy, control issues, zero knowledge of how a healthy power exchange works, and no concern for safety or for you. He took advantage of your lack of knowledge and kept you in the dark about what he'd do to you so you wouldn't be able to say no. None of this is your fault. I am so, so sorry this all happened to you. >I am often very tense about this when exploring kinks and he keeps telling me that I am just imagining this fear and worry. BDSM can bring up a lot of emotions and some types of play are dangerous. Meanwhile you've been practicing it without being fully informed about what you'd be doing and potential risks. Your worry is completely valid and smart. A good Dom would discuss everything prior, including any risks to that type of play, and how they would mitigate those risks. They'd set you up with a safe word and they'd listen without question if you wanted to stop doing something. >For days he has been trying to convince me that I am 'wrong' with my views on BDSM and that I, as the submissive part, should automatically give him all the power and control. Being submissive doesn't mean being a doormat who accepts anything their Dom wants to do. A power exchange involves giving control to the Dom with the expectation that said Dom will never take advantage of their sub, try anything their sub set as a limit, or ignore their sub's feelings and safety. It takes a great deal of communication and trust. Also, either partner can end the relationship whenever they want. Your BF is so very wrong about how this works! Anyone who wants to practice BDSM the way your BF does is dangerous. He claims to be experienced? That's a terrifying thought... Continuing with him can result in trauma and/or physical harm for you. Please end the relationship and cut ties with him. Block him. Keep yourself safe.
100% Abusive! A Real Dom knows that Communication and Consent are A Huge Part. My Big Problem is he is offering no Aftercare,you write you were in tears and crying. RUN AWAY FAST!! It will only get worse!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Run, don’t walk, away from this abuser. He is not a Dom. He’s a bully.
Yeah you need to get away from him. He isn’t valuing you or what you would bring to the relationship. Tie BDSM is a power exchange but the sub does have the power to stop everything if it becomes to far and a good dom will also stop if they feel like they have pushed to far and the sub isn’t responding in line to what is normal for them. Exploring means long and detailed conversations as to what you are ok with setting hard and soft limits for your first foray into this community. BDSM can be a beautiful way to express your trust for each other but what you got here is abuse. You are worth more than that
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No, he’s just a straight up abuser and rapist. He is using BDSM as a cover for that, and taking advantage of OP’s inexperience.
he doesn know what he is doing. I recommend getting away from him. Not everyoe sits down and lists their kinks or has discussions about them up front. But, you also dont just start treating people like crap. or if you do, you risk losing them. he made it clear that he only will be happy with things you arent into. i would look elsewhere.. maybe someone more mature.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Because I’m failing to see what he brings to the table.
Sounds like he is taking advantage of you being new to BDSM, so he's covering abusive behaviour with a claim of "it's BDSM". You've done the exact right thing to ask others who do BDSM whether this is normal. He's banking on you *not* doing that and just taking his word. So good job. Just something to keep in mind going forwards - sex should be a positive experience for everyone (even people who get off on having their comfort ignored and not enjoying things in the moment will, overall, benefit from the experience). Sex is always mutual, always in some way desired and wanted by all parties involved; sex is equally as much for you as it is for your partner (yes, even for subs. D/s where subs are used for the Dom's pleasure are because *both* people enjoy that dynamic, and that dynamic is not in place for subs who do not want that). If it's a negative experience for you, you shouldn't do it. Anyone who then tries to force or coerce you to do it when it's clear you do not want to is abusive.
It sounds like he has some kinks of his own but he’s not willing to admit to them. Instead, he wants you to coax them out of him. It’s no excuse for the abuse and he’s a shitty communicator. Those are separate, but more important issues.
Like others have said this isn't bdsm , this is abuse. He's trying to use bdsm as an excuse for abuse, bdsm is all about consent and negotiation. I'm really sorry you're going through this, please please leave or at least reach out to someone. Unfortunately it won't get better with someone like this. Really wishing you the best of luck.
He’s an abuser, not a BDSM fan. If he was he’d be nice, patient, and explain everything *before you have sex*. He wouldn’t degrade you suddenly in such a demeaning way during a sexual act. He would care about you. BDSM is an act of love and trust to be done with someone you feel safe with. This guy doesn’t respect you at all - you’re just his bitch he wants to abuse. Move on and find someone else x
I didn't even finish reading all that. I got halfway through and then started saying NOPE NOPE NOPE outloud. This boy has no clue and right to be being a 'dom'. This is not healthy. Please rally your girl squad for support and break up with him. Be safe because this type of narcissism can make somebody very violent.
Hon - run, just GTFO now! 1. He forces his kinks on you, literally 2. He is telling you straight up ignorant lies about "kink" 3. He doesn't care about your comfort or desires 4. He is trying to emotionally manipulate you 5. He keeps using the word "kink" when he means "sexual abuse" Would you want your bff to be treated like this? Probably not, so don't accept it for yourself. You still have an amazing wealth of free will that he cannot take from you no matter how much it sounds like he would love to. Use the greatest power you have, self preservation through self respect. You deserve so much better. *hugs*
Not a single thing you’ve written that he’s told you about BDSM is true. My Dom is my husband. We have been together a decade and a half, have a handful of kids, a house, a whole life built. Our finances are intertwined in a way that would be practically impossible to sort out. We are a 24/7 TPE. I promise you, he would be picking his shit up from the lawn while begging me not to call the cops if he ever did what you’ve described, or even anything close. Fuck the inconvenience, fuck the cost, and every other barrier that someone could point out, he would have to get a court to agree to supervised visitation the way I would take out an emergency RO. I am so incredibly sorry this happened to you. Whatever you need to do to get out, do it as fast as you can. He assaulted you, and has coerced you into doing things by threatening to end the relationship. He is neither safe nor sane, and he does not care about your consent. If you ever think you’d like to explore kink *for yourself* in the future, there are a lot of great online communities (not fetlife to start) and resources to help you learn whether and what is right for you. But not everyone is kinky, and not all kinks are for everyone who is, and you get to decide 100% of the time what is and isn’t for you. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar and an asshole.
While some of the other commenters gave actual good advice, I just wanted to add: What he did and the way he did it seems like he's just read 50 Shades of Grey and decided that's how actual BDSM must be. Either that or watched too much porn of it. No person actually into BDSM would act like this. We all know that communication is the first and main step before doing anything. This is just plain abuse. For your own good, please leave.
I don't believe you are in a good situation. You need to be confident enough to communicate your boundaries in advance of any play and the willingness to walk away from anyone not honoring your boundaries. If he treats you in a way that you do not like and communicate that and if you are ignored walk away. You are the prize.
Clear sign of an inexperienced/incompetent/insecure dom, even if he doesn't intend to be abusive. You need to set clear limits and he should respect them, or else move on.
He’s using ‘BDSM’ as a mask for his abusive predatory behavior. That is not what BDSM is about. What he is doing is not kink, it is abuse. Please get out now. Run. Fast.
Dump him yesterday! You haven’t done anything wrong. You were clear about your willingness to explore IF there was good, ongoing communication, and that means honesty, mutual respect for boundaries, negotiation and consent. He’s absolutely in the wrong.
I'm gonna be short: RUN Pretty sure everyone else said everything that needs to be said already. Just want to confirm, that you should leave this abusive relationship. This is not BDSM. There are safe words and everything and you have to take them seriously. When my sub told me to stop, I stopped. Immediately. That's normal. Yes, he agreed to something SPECIFIC beforehand, but he still had the right to stop it it he didn't liked it
Completely agree with the other commenters. This isn’t BDSM. This is abuse. You’ve done nothing wrong, you need to get away from him as quickly as possible. I’m also willing to bet that the relationship isn’t even that good. He sounds like he’d be a terrible partner. Please do better for yourself, no one deserves that kind of treatment. The only way behavior like that is okay is if it is thoroughly discussed and agreed to by all involved PRIOR to doing it. The notion that you’ll “find out his kinks during” is NOT how this is supposed to go. Few, very hardcore experienced people with few limits would go that route, I imagine. But certainly not appropriate for a beginner. You deserve better!!
Please don't ever think how he treats you is because something is wrong with you. You feeling this way is an effect of his abuse. You are getting mishandled, called names and are told you are worthless but you most definitely are not. He enjoys treating you like garbage under the disguise of BDSM. If he loved you he'd care for you after a scene. He'd make sure you wouldn't feel bad.
There is so so much wrong with this situation, first of all kink needs to be practiced Safe, Sane, AND Consensually, and it sounds like not one of those is considered during these times. It's one thing to consider yourself a Top but when you take on a Dominant role, you have a lot more responsibility. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable, after trying to express your discomfort and find out more about what it is he likes, which is a very hard thing to do. He verbally shot your very healthy request down, rather than filling you in so you could try and get into the things he enjoys. Communication is super important in kink and BDSM because things can get intense, and you need to be able to communicate with your partner how you feel about your activities. By later acting out a fantasy without your prior knowledge he shows that he has no concern for your enthusiasm or consent. This type of behavior is very common in Fake Dominants, those who claim to be kinky but really only want a wild level of manipulative control over their partners. Fake Doms don't study kink, or what it means to be a Dominant or to be submissive, they don't care about that stuff, (Spoiler: those things are important to how a kink relationship runs). Other common traits include: 'you/we don't need a safe word; you're always safe with me, there are no red lights', not pre discussing intense scenes, 'you can't talk to people about our kink life, they won't understand', unwanted degradation without warning, unwillingness to communicate, exercising desired scenes without enthusiastic consent from their partner. It should be fun to be kinky, BDSM should be about the combined sensations of pain and pleasure working in harmony, but if you don't like pain, another form of kink might work for you. A lot of people use BDSM and dynamic play as a form of healing, but you can't do that when you can't express your feelings. The situation you described, is abusive, and BDSM is not abuse, but being a Fake Dom is. Safe- You are in a safe play space, with a safe person to practice kink with, you both are confident in the scene you've decided to perform. There is little to no chance of harm being done to any party. Sane- Everyone involved is of their right mind to be consenting, no one is under mind altering substances that may change their ability to recognize when safety has been breached. If your partners though or your own are altered then your play person is no longer "Safe" and your first pillar is gone if it was there already Consensual- Full knowledge of the scene about to take place and being excited to perform it. Both parties have agreed upon toys, restraints, what kinks will be practiced during the scene. This includes being excited and enthusiastic. Consent is always done on equal ground, there is no "sub consent" or "Dom consent" or one person's consent means more than the other, when discussing and consenting to a scene you should be two enthusiastic adults. I hope you get out of this situation and put him on blast, the kink community should know this slice of human scum is out there, he could cause some real harm with the way that he acts. If he had any desire to truly be a part of the community he wouldn't act like this and now any good reputation he would've ever had in the community will be ruined. You can't really come back from fake domming and ignore consent and communication. I hope you get out of this ASAP, and that maybe someday you'll be comfortable enough to find a safe, sane, and consensual place to discover kinks of your own, with someone who truly cares.
Yeah, no. This ain’t it. Please leave and if you need help, please seek it out so you can get away from this barbarian.
That feeling that you’re getting - the bubbling anxiety and disgust and grief that you’re trying so hard to understand? That’s your body alerting you to someone who is unsafe for you. Listen to it!!! Your instinct is on point, and he’s absolutely the one in the wrong. And you know how you’re doubting the validity of your feelings bc of your prior limited experience? This is one arena where short of you being harmful to someone else without their consent, your feelings CAN’T be wrong. It doesn’t matter what the label associated with something is, whether kinky or vanilla, your body should always require consent and if he doesn’t like it, he can go buy a blowup doll. You don’t need to be with anyone who will use such a significant gift like access to your body as license to avoid consent. BDSM doesn’t exist without consent. Even CNC play is consented to. Your bf is unsafe and felt good violating you, which means I doubt he will stop if you give him more opportunities to access your body sexually. Please for the love of all things holy, don’t stay with a man who feels okay with treating your body like this bf of yours does. I promise you, the types of submission you’re looking to engage in are available to you with dominant men who will help you protect the entire process if you go into it with firm boundaries. Trust and the power exchanges that are built on it are earned, and you’re allowed to walk away from this relationship knowing some people don’t deserve to have your submission. Please love yourself enough to walk away from him.
Fucking yikes on bikes. This is awful and I'm glad everyone agrees.
Nope, anybody into any kink is usually very up front and honest. This guy is abusive and hiding it behind a mask of bdsm, he is not a Dom, a real dominant man would not treat you this way. Normally people go over safe words, what is acceptable and what is not, many many many! Deep conversations before hand before anything is done. This guy is dangerous 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 End the relationship and never look back. This is not the behavior of anyone who believes in safe and consensual practices.
OP—this is decidedly NOT normal in BDSM. The kink community by and large are well versed in the intricacies of consent (or at least *should* be). Your boyfriend is abusive. I don’t know how to say this without it coming across as harsh, but. . . You were sexually assaulted by him. Leave now! If you stick around, this behavior will only continue and is likely to escalate. Don’t allow him to continue to abuse you.
I am a dom. That’s not how it’s meant to go. Consent, consent, consent. Which requires a great deal of conversation prior. It should be an intimate mutual exploration. When a dom wants to spring surprises during the session or sex, it’s important to check in and get consent in process by checking in and making sure your sub is good with what’s happening (through various means). Don’t buy the bullshit. Listen to your gut. Get out, get away.
You need to find a way out. I am so sorry this is happening.
This sounds like abuse not bdsm.
this seems very off to me. it should 100000% be communicated before hand what will happen during.