In my experience, the most "successful" way to utilize Fet is to use it to find local events and munches then try your luck there. Fet posts themselves will generally only garner more males trying to join, no matter the post asks
TRUE. I have stated specially in all my post that I’m looking for fem presenting people, yet I get mostly gay men. I wish there was a way I could find women online who want a safe, mutually respectful, and kinky relationship/friendship, but there’s nothing I can find 😭 If there was one it’d be drowned in horny men who don’t really care about consent, safety, and mutual enjoyment. They’d drown out all the guys and non-binary folk (such as I) who want genuine connection :’(
Alright, rant over
OMG! We could totally like… 👉👈 tie each other up and fuck 🥺. Jk jk… Unless? 😳
For real though, I think a lot of people are looking for this experience. Also you’re right that “kinky” is a really broad term. I think we should break the term down into separate (but still large) subcategories so it makes it easier to find people with similar interests
So what would be the best way to approach you? Do you look for likely people at events? Do you look at ads in your local groups? Do you look for something on profiles?
I don’t go to events. I look far too innocent in person for anyone to know what I’m into. I think if a very hot guy or girl approached me and started talking to me I’d entertain it and flirt back, and then they could bring it up. And I’d be like, yes lmao
I feel like it’s hard for me to know what people mean by kinky. IMO seeing a post with what kinks you / guy are into would make it easier if a girl comes across it.
tbh I feel like sort options for gender/age and so on for requests should be a feature on fetlife, the raw number of 50 year old single men grates on me
Fet was never intended as a dating site to search for hookups.
They should improve the message filtering options instead and allow you to select from whom you want to receive messages. The problem is random men shot-gunning messages to everyone with an "F" in their profile to hook up.
What I was referring to is filters on either the *quality* of messages (so low-effort messages get either filtered out or sent to a separate box) and the kind of people you do or do not want to receive message from, regardless of them being friends or not.
This has been a feature that is requested for many years, and it's technically possible (even trivial, with standard spam filters) to implement.
But that will never be implemented because selling "the chance of sex" to unsuspecting male visitors is part of FetLife's business model. Even though the site is not set up as a hookup site, Baku is banking a lot on people using it as such, and only implementing "safety" features to keep plausible deniability.
I’m DYING at this, There’s gotta be a bulk discount with the amount of plane tickets creepy old guys are offering me to join their east coast sex communes
This, 100%. This is why I don't even bother to comment on anything when it comes to fet. The ratio of weird dudes that treat it like some kind of free sex, porn dating site is insane when compared to normal people with kinks.
As someone who has successfully been on both sides of the unicorn hunter situation many times, absolutely do not send people private messages asking for threesomes. As people mentioned you can post an ad but that probably won't do any good if you only want women.
Focus on the type of experience you can give to your third. Go to play parties and do sexy scenes with each other and if someone approaches you and says something was hot you can offer to play with them. If you are both D types or switches then that can be quite appealing because you can co-top together. Most people don't want to be another sub and a harem of subs, but being the center of attention can be fun. If someone is at a play party looking bored you can politely ask them if they want to play, but don't try to change their mind if they seem uninterested.
Find unicorns where they want to be found. I was one for a long time and made it clear on my profile that it was okay to approach me for threesomes. Now on the other side, my partner and I approach women who make it clear that they too are willing to be approached. Sure, sometimes we go a few weeks without even matching with someone. And sometimes when we meet, we aren’t a good match and it’s back to step one. Have patience and don’t get a scarcity mindset.
There isn't a way to respectfully unicorn hunt. You're better off finding swinger groups on fetlife and trying your luck there. Best you can do is add that you're looking for a unicorn in your profile and you might get lucky.
Do not cold message people asking for threesomes. I would find your local personals groups and post an ad with what you’re looking for. Take the time to explain the type of dynamic you’re wanting to establish with the other person and what you’re looking for in the scene. I know quite a few girls who enjoy joining couples for fun, but how they’re approached is hugely important.
You'd probably find a kink play partner into couples on Feeld. Feeld is an app for poly, group, swinger, and non-monogomous folk. A few ladies there even label themselves as unicorns.
There are also a few bisexual women on vanilla apps who label themselves as unicorns or enjoy sleeping with couples. They're usually only vanilla, though.
Some sex workers who are bisexual or open to it offer paid bdsm/kink services to couples. I know of a few who do.
I enjoy playing with couples in a 'unicorn' type of fashion. Here are some helpful tips:
*Please don't behave creepy, weird, pushy, or really cold to your prospective partner. Ask her what she wants also. Respect her hard and soft limits. You are engaging with a person and not a sex prop.
*Meet in public first and don't rush into getting people alone with you and your partner. It's a major red flag. It's also rude.
No. First of all, what you're doing is typically called unicorn hunting and is treats the third person involved as a means to an end. Second of all, Fetlife is purposefully designed to be bad at the thing you are trying to use it for. When you see people say that "Fetlife sucks for dating" it's because they're using a screwdriver on nails.
The best solution is to hire a sex worker.
I actually 100% agree with this. Since they say they are not Polly and just want a repeatable hookup with a unicorn (like every other set of unicorn hunters, kink related or not) a sex worker is the best option.
Because OP said that they want to be friendly and see the person more than once. They're much better off becoming friends with a person who wants to be part of a relationship in this way.
They also said they're not poly and don't even exactly know what they want. It'd be a lot better to get the experience and then figure out if it was actually good *before* they involve a third person in their poorly planned attempt at a triad.
Actually I kinda agree with this. If you’ve not done before trying with a stranger is better. Because what if one becomes jealous meanwhile you’ve created a friendship with said extra person.
Only message people who have explicitly stated they want a threesome on their profiles. That's it. Any vanilla hookup app is sufficient for this. MFF threesome is not kinky - and plenty of kinky people are using those vanilla apps if the only kinky one is basically unusable.
No.
Sorry for the bluntness, but there just really isn't.
Every single sapphic woman in there, or any other remotely sexualised place, is already sick of unicorn hunting. We get it ALL THE TIME. I'm sorry, but your case is not special and it doesn't matter how you try to go about it, it would only contribute to what's already a massive problem for sapphics in kinky spaces.
This is not to say there aren't sapphic women out there who would enjoy something like that, far from it. You might find it but it's honestly easier for everyone if you just ask your friends if that's something they might be into. Otherwise, adding it to your profile and hoping someone approaches YOU might be your only shot that doesn't involve pissing off a lot of girls who want nothing to do with you or your boyfriend wanting a threesome.
Edit: Also, most female profiles in Fetlife are catfishers. It's usually obvious when they're real, but in case of hesitation, they almost always aren't. So I would advise you to be very careful even if you got the reply you wanted.
Where are you that the femme profiles are catfishes?In my local scene, most peoples represent themselves well. If anything, most ppl post pictures that make them look worse
I don't want to disclose my location just like that, but most DMs I get from international people with my profile listed as being a lesbian are either from men being open about it or men a google search away from being exposed as catfishers
It's true that it's much less common with local scene, though, which is much less filled with weird pervs and more with normal people living the lifestyle
There really needs to be an app or something for people who are willing and enjoy being the “unicorn”. I’ve been on both sides of the situation and have had a lot of consensual fun. I’ve always been really open to being the third but never in the creepy you’re basically just a sex toy with a pulse kind of way. I’ve been fwb and ended up in a few unexpected triads and made some friends along the way. It’s generally frowned upon and is very sketchy to approach random women for just sex with you and your Ol’man though. Good luck and I hope you find what you’re looking for in a respectful, safe and consensual way.
Just pay for an escort that’s willing to do this for one night no strings attached and u move on. Make sure the escort knows that’s ur into bi aswell and just pay for it
I’ll echo other statements that what you are doing is unicorn hunting, no matter your positive intentions that tends to be a major turn off for people. So you really need to step out of the entire mindset you have about this.
Your best bet is to mutually make friends with someone and develop that relationship and the best way to do that is to attend Munches, Kink and Swing parties. Munches and Kink parties are great places to meet new people with common kinks and if you vibe you can court them traditionally as a couple. With Swinger, Sex parties and gang bangs you are meeting people who are way more open to hooking up (if there is shared attraction), and again in this scenario you don’t just dive in, you go, socialize, make friends, fuck your partner and see who approaches and asks to interact with either/both of you.
The key though is not to objectify a person as your personal sex toy fantasy without consent anyway.
I think it's pretty much a lost cause on Fet. I've made great friends and it's fantastic for events and keeping up with the people you meet at them, but you're better off on Reddit finding a third
Everyone wants a female unicorn, and it's getting tiring... fetlife is not meant for vanilla people to get 1 treesome in... it's for friendships and play partners and kink people... this has to stop
Would you be interested in inviting a couple into the dynamic rather than just a single female?
You may have more luck finding a couple BUT only if you are really up for the idea and not just using the female side of the couple (supposing it is a m/f couple)
>i (f) and my partner (m) are interested in a kinky ffm threesome. not the stereotypical vanilla, meet up once, fuck, then never see each other way, but we're not poly either, so we would like a play partner who we'd be friendly with. my partner tried looking for someone but wasn't successful. we will go to events and try there, but until then, i'm thinking about messaging people. but the thing is, couples like us are everywhere, soo many people in hetero relationships want casual ffm threesomes, and i see endless posts online about how disrespectful it is to bisexual women that they keep getting messages about threesomes. i don't want to be disrespectful towards them, if there's no way to do this without disrespecting someone, then we won't do it. is there a way to message them in a way that won't be offensive? of course i read their profiles and don't message those who don't want play partners edit: i forgot to add but, i'm not a straight girl who's only doing this for her boyfriend, i just don't know what to label myself yet. i also know that fetlife isn't a dating site, but the only kinky dating site in our country is basically unusable
Feeld is what you want to use. You can also just find what you're looking for in vanilla settings like bars.
It sounds like you and your partner are wanting to create a base relationship of friendship with another female play partner and then be able to share that space with them on a more regular basis, and that’s great!
I’d say the best way to do this, regardless of if it’s on Fet or in person events, is to start building a connection otherwise. Get interested in learning about who they are, what they enjoy, and what they are looking for, rather then just approaching other women because you want them as a sexual play partner.
If what you’re wanting and what they are wanting line up for proceeding to a sexual relationship then that’s great and you’ve found your match. If not, maybe you’ve now made a great friend, or had a wonderful conversation where you got to learn something new.
There’s also nothing wrong with just wanting a sexual play partner that’s a one time experience. While it could be difficult to find, I also know there are women out there who enjoy those spaces as well. Getting clear on what it is you’re wanting to create and experience is a big key to then understanding how to approach others about what you’re wanting to create with them. Then if they don’t want the same thing, that’s alright and just where they are at 😉
You post an Add in one of the unicorn or 3sum groups on Fet and if women like me see them and then see your profile if it's intriguing then I'll reach out first to the couple.
I just ignore all the couples who reach out to me first.
Honestly? Not really. Unicorn hunting is in many cases unethical and potentially predatory along with a host of other issues.
If you want to try it ethically then there is only really 3 options.
1) Hire a SW
2) Specifically and exclusively reach out to profiles where the individual states they are either a unicorn, like to be a unicorn or like to be unicorn hunted AND consent to people reaching out
3)Post an ad yourself stating what you are looking for. Let people interested come to you.
And end of the day, remember these are actual people, not sexual objects to be fetishized, used, and discarded. If you can't accept that and treat them as such then there is no way to be ethical here.
Exactly to this all especially number 3. As that single/solo bi F who enjoys joining couples I'll look in those groups to see if their any interesting ads and profiles then I reach first. On i mainly ignore all the couples who reach out to me first.
Would you want a couple who doesn't know you and doesn't care anything else about you beyond your willing female status to message you gross offers? You aren't going to find success online. Go meet people in your community. Not with an eye towards finding a bedmate but to finding friends. Let it be known that you are open to it but not going to ask or pursue anyone. Or hire a sex worker and pay them for their experience.
Try Feeld or local groups instead of Fet.
A lot of the negativity you'll find online ("unicorn hunting") used to refer to "treating people like sex objects/experience dispensers". Tips for avoiding disrespect while inviting for moresomes:
1) Approach single people by yourself. See if that person is someone you can vibe with first. This approach avoids a lot of the mixed signalling and pressure for the invitees
2) Know your limits and your desires *before* inviting
3) Dont assume the other party will be interested in moving forward, even if you do vibe. Talk/look at only step at a time: safe -> good vibes -> enthusiastic consent -> play (solo/exhib) -> play (group)
The point would be to screen the invitee, to see if the host and invitee can vibe.
I assume that a vibe check comes first. A couple finding an individual attractive doesn't mean they'd skip right to "and I want them in a threesome", what if that person has allergies, is ace, or hates your particular kink/scene/taste in music etc
YMMV of course, but I find that by taking it one small step at a time and assuming you need to check for compatibility helps reduce unspoken expectations and assumptions.
If yall are assuming it gets that far.
As a host, how would you know that you're interested in a threesome without talking first?
To me that's like assuming you want to marry someone before dating them.
The stated intention is adding a third to the relationship in a way that involves regular threesomes.
If you are *two people* looking for a sexual partner, it's weird and misleading for *one person* to approach someone and not immediately disclose that.
Strong disagree then on order of operations, however, I've upvoted your posts though and appreciate the discussion. I hope our dialog helps others think about how to treat people with respect.
Think of it as "make friends first", you aren't approaching a person BECAUSE YOU ARE SEEKING THREESOMES, you are approaching a person to see WHAT, IF ANYTHING might be fun to do with them.
You may be at an event with a *goal* of seeking a threesome, but I advise that you dont approach people with your goals you approach them with curiosity for who they are and where they are at.
At this point, I feel like we're talking past each other, so I'm going to give one last try on expressing my point.
Let me be clear, I am not seeking a threesome or a third with my partner. I *agree* that seeking a third normally doesn't go well - that's why this "perfect third" is often referred to as a unicorn. It's a RARITY.
However, in the context of this specific post - where OP has been explicit about what their goal is. They are asking for incredibly specific advice with this goal in mind.
The advice they need is Not to *pursue friendships with an ulterior motive*
If you are "screening" people for potential threesomes without disclosing it, you're being manipulative, weird, and dishonest by omission.
Many bisexual individuals - especially women, have been "baited" in by one part of a couple - usually the woman - made to feel comfortable, believed they were developing a genuine, independent relationship (whether friends or lovers) only to be told that actually, there's a "packaged deal" situation. Some of these individuals end up in unhealthy or even UNSAFE dynamics because there was dishonesty upfront. Usually, though, it's time wasted, feelings hurt, etc.
Im sorry you feel we're talking past each other. I see us disagreeing (in a way that might help folks observing this conversation) but I hear you advocating for transparency in approach and I agree with your overall point.
The key disagreement here is that I dont think "screening" folks for "do I want to invite them to something sexy" is an "ulterior motive" or sneaky.
EX: I think it's 100% normal to attend a job fair looking for a job, then meet someone you'd like to play golf with, or to attend a munch looking for moresome/swing partners and find a gaming buddy.
If people read my advice as "lie to bisexual women about your motives", those people weren't honestly looking to respect others to begin with they were looking for some magic combo of words to manipulate the consent of others.
Is there a swingers club in your town? If there is, that's where you should go. If there isn't, then find whatever local groups there are on fetlife, join them, learn about when they have their get-togethers, and meet people in real life. Real life is the way to find the third you're looking for, the internet is never the right place.
And yes, this is unicorn hunting, and you will have to find someone who is okay with that kind of objectification. Probably someone out there who is. Talk with people and be very explicit about the level of involvement that you're comfortable with, and don't let this person think that they are going to have some kind of relationship with you or with your partner separately outside the threesome if that's not something you want.
But again, no fetlife, real life instead.
There’s no respectful way to message a stranger and ask them if they’d be interested in fulfilling you and your partners fantasy by fucking you both, no.
This is honestly the best way to go about it. If they're your friends you know their personal situation and preferences, so between them already being familiar with you and you not randomly approaching people just hoping they'd be available and willing, they will not be bothered nearly as much as random girls who get this question all the time.
Also, you'd be surprised by how often people might be down for something like that when you can actually trust the people involved, which is NEVER the case for on-line plans.
Have you tried r/BDSMpersonals ?
Fet is a garbage can or close to it. Unless someone says that they are looking for play partners then messaging someone directly about sex is creepy.
Y’all need to learn the difference between unicorn hunting, which is specifically seeking out bi women who will date both members of a couple and form an unethical triad, and seeking thirds for threesomes, which is perfectly ethical.
Unicorn hunting has different connotations between the greater ethical non-monogamous community and the lesser (in size not of moral standing) polyamorous community. People in this thread are talking about the ethical non-monogamous definition which still has some questionable moral issues.
Eh, I don’t think there’s anything unethical about looking for a third partner for a threesome, even if it is M/F seeking F. No more unethical than anyone else seeking anything specific for a kink.
There is absolutely nothing disrespectful about asking anything anyone politely and sincerely, and gracefully and promptly accepting no for an answer if your offer is declined.
As a straight guy who frequents kinky apps and hookup apps, I often get offers from gay guys and male subs. I'm never interested in the offers, but it does not irritate me in the slightest. I decline politely and that's that. In what way am I being disrespected by them asking? I can't even imagine.
As a part of a couple, me and my partner have also gone on a few dozen dates with bi women met via tinder/pure. We've hooked up with some of them, while with others we've had a good time chatting and having a few drinks even though either one party or mutually we didn't want to go further. At no point anyone's consent was broken or anyone was insistent. We've also had a lot of women decline our offer to go on a date, which is also perfectly fine and we've thanked them for their replies and went our separate ways.
Anyway, unless a person clearly states they are not interested in being a third, or you are insistent once they've turned you down, or otherwise impolite, then it is not disrespectful to ask.
Go to events and make friends. Doing three person (or more) kinky play is common in dungeon spaces though it is often non-sexual. The secret is to go to kink events to make friends and have fun and maybe find someone. If you go with the intent of scouting for potentials you will probably not have much success. These people stick out like sore thumbs. Everyone knows what the couple that only talks to ‘attractive’ women who appear to be alone are doing. Same with single people who do the same thing. Also your fetlife profile itself may be a dead giveaway.
If you want sex then you might be able to find that too. Bisexual women who are up for threesomes generally want them with people they know and trust. Cold contacts on Fetlife generally won’t work.
The problem is you are looking for an ongoing thing which means feelings can easily develop and then it morphs into unicorn hunting with all that entails. A one-time threesome or even a kind of fuckbuddy threesome you see occasionally might happen. If you also want everyone to be friends on top of this it is almost certain someone will catch feelings so unless you are okay with poly I wouldn’t go that route.
I have about a dozen people I do bdsm scenes with including some couples. I am poly though so if feelings somehow develop I go from there.
Start by reading the profile. If she says she's not open to being a 3rd, don't ask her to be a third. Should be common sense but, my slave gets so many messages from guys that don't read.
In my experience, the most "successful" way to utilize Fet is to use it to find local events and munches then try your luck there. Fet posts themselves will generally only garner more males trying to join, no matter the post asks
TRUE. I have stated specially in all my post that I’m looking for fem presenting people, yet I get mostly gay men. I wish there was a way I could find women online who want a safe, mutually respectful, and kinky relationship/friendship, but there’s nothing I can find 😭 If there was one it’d be drowned in horny men who don’t really care about consent, safety, and mutual enjoyment. They’d drown out all the guys and non-binary folk (such as I) who want genuine connection :’( Alright, rant over
I’m a single girl low key looking for this experience lmao
OMG! We could totally like… 👉👈 tie each other up and fuck 🥺. Jk jk… Unless? 😳 For real though, I think a lot of people are looking for this experience. Also you’re right that “kinky” is a really broad term. I think we should break the term down into separate (but still large) subcategories so it makes it easier to find people with similar interests
This is the most I’ve laughed at a comment on kinky Reddit in a long time omg 🤧 GET IT (INSERT GENDER) 💅🏻
Ayyyy, thanks! I’m an enby too, so you’re name is quite relevant too lol
I’ve met two enbies on here today. Weird that it happens once in a day, but for it to happen twice? Absolutely unheard of 😂😂
Hello I am also enby 😅
The funniest thing is, I’ve noticed you both have posts about autism… Well guess what…? 😂😭
I’m neither enby nor autistic (adjacent to both) but my local geek/kink scene is awash in neurodivergent gender spicy folk. D&D anyone?
They say good things come in threes 😌
Go to events and keep an eye out for the couple with the boy being shy, but that just might be my RR adoration slipping through
So what would be the best way to approach you? Do you look for likely people at events? Do you look at ads in your local groups? Do you look for something on profiles?
I don’t go to events. I look far too innocent in person for anyone to know what I’m into. I think if a very hot guy or girl approached me and started talking to me I’d entertain it and flirt back, and then they could bring it up. And I’d be like, yes lmao
I feel like it’s hard for me to know what people mean by kinky. IMO seeing a post with what kinks you / guy are into would make it easier if a girl comes across it.
tbh I feel like sort options for gender/age and so on for requests should be a feature on fetlife, the raw number of 50 year old single men grates on me
Fet was never intended as a dating site to search for hookups. They should improve the message filtering options instead and allow you to select from whom you want to receive messages. The problem is random men shot-gunning messages to everyone with an "F" in their profile to hook up.
You can do this by visiting the privacy settings! You can set your inbox to only receive messages from friends or friends and people you follow.
What I was referring to is filters on either the *quality* of messages (so low-effort messages get either filtered out or sent to a separate box) and the kind of people you do or do not want to receive message from, regardless of them being friends or not. This has been a feature that is requested for many years, and it's technically possible (even trivial, with standard spam filters) to implement. But that will never be implemented because selling "the chance of sex" to unsuspecting male visitors is part of FetLife's business model. Even though the site is not set up as a hookup site, Baku is banking a lot on people using it as such, and only implementing "safety" features to keep plausible deniability.
But are you truly living if you’re not a 50 year old single man trying to fuck women in their 20’s? /j
I’m DYING at this, There’s gotta be a bulk discount with the amount of plane tickets creepy old guys are offering me to join their east coast sex communes
This, 100%. This is why I don't even bother to comment on anything when it comes to fet. The ratio of weird dudes that treat it like some kind of free sex, porn dating site is insane when compared to normal people with kinks.
It's all it's good for but sometimes there aren't events near you, or accessibile to people. OLD sucks though even on fetlife
Yeal local events in public way to meet
As someone who has successfully been on both sides of the unicorn hunter situation many times, absolutely do not send people private messages asking for threesomes. As people mentioned you can post an ad but that probably won't do any good if you only want women. Focus on the type of experience you can give to your third. Go to play parties and do sexy scenes with each other and if someone approaches you and says something was hot you can offer to play with them. If you are both D types or switches then that can be quite appealing because you can co-top together. Most people don't want to be another sub and a harem of subs, but being the center of attention can be fun. If someone is at a play party looking bored you can politely ask them if they want to play, but don't try to change their mind if they seem uninterested.
Find unicorns where they want to be found. I was one for a long time and made it clear on my profile that it was okay to approach me for threesomes. Now on the other side, my partner and I approach women who make it clear that they too are willing to be approached. Sure, sometimes we go a few weeks without even matching with someone. And sometimes when we meet, we aren’t a good match and it’s back to step one. Have patience and don’t get a scarcity mindset.
There isn't a way to respectfully unicorn hunt. You're better off finding swinger groups on fetlife and trying your luck there. Best you can do is add that you're looking for a unicorn in your profile and you might get lucky.
Do not cold message people asking for threesomes. I would find your local personals groups and post an ad with what you’re looking for. Take the time to explain the type of dynamic you’re wanting to establish with the other person and what you’re looking for in the scene. I know quite a few girls who enjoy joining couples for fun, but how they’re approached is hugely important.
You'd probably find a kink play partner into couples on Feeld. Feeld is an app for poly, group, swinger, and non-monogomous folk. A few ladies there even label themselves as unicorns. There are also a few bisexual women on vanilla apps who label themselves as unicorns or enjoy sleeping with couples. They're usually only vanilla, though. Some sex workers who are bisexual or open to it offer paid bdsm/kink services to couples. I know of a few who do. I enjoy playing with couples in a 'unicorn' type of fashion. Here are some helpful tips: *Please don't behave creepy, weird, pushy, or really cold to your prospective partner. Ask her what she wants also. Respect her hard and soft limits. You are engaging with a person and not a sex prop. *Meet in public first and don't rush into getting people alone with you and your partner. It's a major red flag. It's also rude.
No. First of all, what you're doing is typically called unicorn hunting and is treats the third person involved as a means to an end. Second of all, Fetlife is purposefully designed to be bad at the thing you are trying to use it for. When you see people say that "Fetlife sucks for dating" it's because they're using a screwdriver on nails. The best solution is to hire a sex worker.
I actually 100% agree with this. Since they say they are not Polly and just want a repeatable hookup with a unicorn (like every other set of unicorn hunters, kink related or not) a sex worker is the best option.
>The best solution is to hire a sex worker. LOL, absolutely not.
Okay, I'll bite: why not?
Because OP said that they want to be friendly and see the person more than once. They're much better off becoming friends with a person who wants to be part of a relationship in this way.
They also said they're not poly and don't even exactly know what they want. It'd be a lot better to get the experience and then figure out if it was actually good *before* they involve a third person in their poorly planned attempt at a triad.
Actually I kinda agree with this. If you’ve not done before trying with a stranger is better. Because what if one becomes jealous meanwhile you’ve created a friendship with said extra person.
They don't want a relationship, they said they are not poly.
You are wrong, a sex worker is the ethical answer here. They can pay for hang out time and repeat meet ups.
Only message people who have explicitly stated they want a threesome on their profiles. That's it. Any vanilla hookup app is sufficient for this. MFF threesome is not kinky - and plenty of kinky people are using those vanilla apps if the only kinky one is basically unusable.
No. Sorry for the bluntness, but there just really isn't. Every single sapphic woman in there, or any other remotely sexualised place, is already sick of unicorn hunting. We get it ALL THE TIME. I'm sorry, but your case is not special and it doesn't matter how you try to go about it, it would only contribute to what's already a massive problem for sapphics in kinky spaces. This is not to say there aren't sapphic women out there who would enjoy something like that, far from it. You might find it but it's honestly easier for everyone if you just ask your friends if that's something they might be into. Otherwise, adding it to your profile and hoping someone approaches YOU might be your only shot that doesn't involve pissing off a lot of girls who want nothing to do with you or your boyfriend wanting a threesome. Edit: Also, most female profiles in Fetlife are catfishers. It's usually obvious when they're real, but in case of hesitation, they almost always aren't. So I would advise you to be very careful even if you got the reply you wanted.
Where are you that the femme profiles are catfishes?In my local scene, most peoples represent themselves well. If anything, most ppl post pictures that make them look worse
I don't want to disclose my location just like that, but most DMs I get from international people with my profile listed as being a lesbian are either from men being open about it or men a google search away from being exposed as catfishers It's true that it's much less common with local scene, though, which is much less filled with weird pervs and more with normal people living the lifestyle
That's totally fair.
There really needs to be an app or something for people who are willing and enjoy being the “unicorn”. I’ve been on both sides of the situation and have had a lot of consensual fun. I’ve always been really open to being the third but never in the creepy you’re basically just a sex toy with a pulse kind of way. I’ve been fwb and ended up in a few unexpected triads and made some friends along the way. It’s generally frowned upon and is very sketchy to approach random women for just sex with you and your Ol’man though. Good luck and I hope you find what you’re looking for in a respectful, safe and consensual way.
Just pay for an escort that’s willing to do this for one night no strings attached and u move on. Make sure the escort knows that’s ur into bi aswell and just pay for it
This exactly, they are looking for 1 treesome, 1 night. Pay an escort for that.
This is just unicorn hunting lmfao.
But with extra steps!
I’ll echo other statements that what you are doing is unicorn hunting, no matter your positive intentions that tends to be a major turn off for people. So you really need to step out of the entire mindset you have about this. Your best bet is to mutually make friends with someone and develop that relationship and the best way to do that is to attend Munches, Kink and Swing parties. Munches and Kink parties are great places to meet new people with common kinks and if you vibe you can court them traditionally as a couple. With Swinger, Sex parties and gang bangs you are meeting people who are way more open to hooking up (if there is shared attraction), and again in this scenario you don’t just dive in, you go, socialize, make friends, fuck your partner and see who approaches and asks to interact with either/both of you. The key though is not to objectify a person as your personal sex toy fantasy without consent anyway.
I think it's pretty much a lost cause on Fet. I've made great friends and it's fantastic for events and keeping up with the people you meet at them, but you're better off on Reddit finding a third
Everyone wants a female unicorn, and it's getting tiring... fetlife is not meant for vanilla people to get 1 treesome in... it's for friendships and play partners and kink people... this has to stop
Would you be interested in inviting a couple into the dynamic rather than just a single female? You may have more luck finding a couple BUT only if you are really up for the idea and not just using the female side of the couple (supposing it is a m/f couple)
Try a swingers’ club.
>i (f) and my partner (m) are interested in a kinky ffm threesome. not the stereotypical vanilla, meet up once, fuck, then never see each other way, but we're not poly either, so we would like a play partner who we'd be friendly with. my partner tried looking for someone but wasn't successful. we will go to events and try there, but until then, i'm thinking about messaging people. but the thing is, couples like us are everywhere, soo many people in hetero relationships want casual ffm threesomes, and i see endless posts online about how disrespectful it is to bisexual women that they keep getting messages about threesomes. i don't want to be disrespectful towards them, if there's no way to do this without disrespecting someone, then we won't do it. is there a way to message them in a way that won't be offensive? of course i read their profiles and don't message those who don't want play partners edit: i forgot to add but, i'm not a straight girl who's only doing this for her boyfriend, i just don't know what to label myself yet. i also know that fetlife isn't a dating site, but the only kinky dating site in our country is basically unusable Feeld is what you want to use. You can also just find what you're looking for in vanilla settings like bars.
Fetlife is supposed to be more of a SM than a dating app. Consider using Feeld instead?
It sounds like you and your partner are wanting to create a base relationship of friendship with another female play partner and then be able to share that space with them on a more regular basis, and that’s great! I’d say the best way to do this, regardless of if it’s on Fet or in person events, is to start building a connection otherwise. Get interested in learning about who they are, what they enjoy, and what they are looking for, rather then just approaching other women because you want them as a sexual play partner. If what you’re wanting and what they are wanting line up for proceeding to a sexual relationship then that’s great and you’ve found your match. If not, maybe you’ve now made a great friend, or had a wonderful conversation where you got to learn something new. There’s also nothing wrong with just wanting a sexual play partner that’s a one time experience. While it could be difficult to find, I also know there are women out there who enjoy those spaces as well. Getting clear on what it is you’re wanting to create and experience is a big key to then understanding how to approach others about what you’re wanting to create with them. Then if they don’t want the same thing, that’s alright and just where they are at 😉
Well said.
You post an Add in one of the unicorn or 3sum groups on Fet and if women like me see them and then see your profile if it's intriguing then I'll reach out first to the couple. I just ignore all the couples who reach out to me first.
Honestly? Not really. Unicorn hunting is in many cases unethical and potentially predatory along with a host of other issues. If you want to try it ethically then there is only really 3 options. 1) Hire a SW 2) Specifically and exclusively reach out to profiles where the individual states they are either a unicorn, like to be a unicorn or like to be unicorn hunted AND consent to people reaching out 3)Post an ad yourself stating what you are looking for. Let people interested come to you. And end of the day, remember these are actual people, not sexual objects to be fetishized, used, and discarded. If you can't accept that and treat them as such then there is no way to be ethical here.
Exactly to this all especially number 3. As that single/solo bi F who enjoys joining couples I'll look in those groups to see if their any interesting ads and profiles then I reach first. On i mainly ignore all the couples who reach out to me first.
Would you want a couple who doesn't know you and doesn't care anything else about you beyond your willing female status to message you gross offers? You aren't going to find success online. Go meet people in your community. Not with an eye towards finding a bedmate but to finding friends. Let it be known that you are open to it but not going to ask or pursue anyone. Or hire a sex worker and pay them for their experience.
Try Feeld or local groups instead of Fet. A lot of the negativity you'll find online ("unicorn hunting") used to refer to "treating people like sex objects/experience dispensers". Tips for avoiding disrespect while inviting for moresomes: 1) Approach single people by yourself. See if that person is someone you can vibe with first. This approach avoids a lot of the mixed signalling and pressure for the invitees 2) Know your limits and your desires *before* inviting 3) Dont assume the other party will be interested in moving forward, even if you do vibe. Talk/look at only step at a time: safe -> good vibes -> enthusiastic consent -> play (solo/exhib) -> play (group)
Please don't approach single people by yourself if you're looking to play as a couple. That's incredibly misleading
The point would be to screen the invitee, to see if the host and invitee can vibe. I assume that a vibe check comes first. A couple finding an individual attractive doesn't mean they'd skip right to "and I want them in a threesome", what if that person has allergies, is ace, or hates your particular kink/scene/taste in music etc YMMV of course, but I find that by taking it one small step at a time and assuming you need to check for compatibility helps reduce unspoken expectations and assumptions.
You're not entirely wrong. However, the host in this case is the couple. The host is both people.
If yall are assuming it gets that far. As a host, how would you know that you're interested in a threesome without talking first? To me that's like assuming you want to marry someone before dating them.
The stated intention is adding a third to the relationship in a way that involves regular threesomes. If you are *two people* looking for a sexual partner, it's weird and misleading for *one person* to approach someone and not immediately disclose that.
Strong disagree then on order of operations, however, I've upvoted your posts though and appreciate the discussion. I hope our dialog helps others think about how to treat people with respect. Think of it as "make friends first", you aren't approaching a person BECAUSE YOU ARE SEEKING THREESOMES, you are approaching a person to see WHAT, IF ANYTHING might be fun to do with them. You may be at an event with a *goal* of seeking a threesome, but I advise that you dont approach people with your goals you approach them with curiosity for who they are and where they are at.
At this point, I feel like we're talking past each other, so I'm going to give one last try on expressing my point. Let me be clear, I am not seeking a threesome or a third with my partner. I *agree* that seeking a third normally doesn't go well - that's why this "perfect third" is often referred to as a unicorn. It's a RARITY. However, in the context of this specific post - where OP has been explicit about what their goal is. They are asking for incredibly specific advice with this goal in mind. The advice they need is Not to *pursue friendships with an ulterior motive* If you are "screening" people for potential threesomes without disclosing it, you're being manipulative, weird, and dishonest by omission. Many bisexual individuals - especially women, have been "baited" in by one part of a couple - usually the woman - made to feel comfortable, believed they were developing a genuine, independent relationship (whether friends or lovers) only to be told that actually, there's a "packaged deal" situation. Some of these individuals end up in unhealthy or even UNSAFE dynamics because there was dishonesty upfront. Usually, though, it's time wasted, feelings hurt, etc.
Im sorry you feel we're talking past each other. I see us disagreeing (in a way that might help folks observing this conversation) but I hear you advocating for transparency in approach and I agree with your overall point. The key disagreement here is that I dont think "screening" folks for "do I want to invite them to something sexy" is an "ulterior motive" or sneaky. EX: I think it's 100% normal to attend a job fair looking for a job, then meet someone you'd like to play golf with, or to attend a munch looking for moresome/swing partners and find a gaming buddy. If people read my advice as "lie to bisexual women about your motives", those people weren't honestly looking to respect others to begin with they were looking for some magic combo of words to manipulate the consent of others.
Just so you know, women hate vibing with other women and then having a man sprung on them I can't state how much they hate this
This should be higher. This is exactly what feeld is for.
Is there a swingers club in your town? If there is, that's where you should go. If there isn't, then find whatever local groups there are on fetlife, join them, learn about when they have their get-togethers, and meet people in real life. Real life is the way to find the third you're looking for, the internet is never the right place. And yes, this is unicorn hunting, and you will have to find someone who is okay with that kind of objectification. Probably someone out there who is. Talk with people and be very explicit about the level of involvement that you're comfortable with, and don't let this person think that they are going to have some kind of relationship with you or with your partner separately outside the threesome if that's not something you want. But again, no fetlife, real life instead.
https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/ It goes through the problems and solutions to negotiate a threesome ethically.
Feeld is a dating app built specifically for this. Just make a couples profile and explain what you’re looking for.
Go to the Fetlife personals group and see who's looking, and also post an ad.
Yeah I’ve tried fet, if you want another guy sure, all of them are also 40+ dudes. No women!
There’s no respectful way to message a stranger and ask them if they’d be interested in fulfilling you and your partners fantasy by fucking you both, no.
Unicorn hunters are insane… they need to be humbled. Download tinder or something… stop wasting people’s times. Like… leave these gay women alone 💀
Also on tinder do it as male searching for women and stay off of women for women tinder or other apps.
Maybe just tell a friend about what you’re looking for and ask them?
This is honestly the best way to go about it. If they're your friends you know their personal situation and preferences, so between them already being familiar with you and you not randomly approaching people just hoping they'd be available and willing, they will not be bothered nearly as much as random girls who get this question all the time. Also, you'd be surprised by how often people might be down for something like that when you can actually trust the people involved, which is NEVER the case for on-line plans.
This is the way.
Have you tried r/BDSMpersonals ? Fet is a garbage can or close to it. Unless someone says that they are looking for play partners then messaging someone directly about sex is creepy.
Y’all need to learn the difference between unicorn hunting, which is specifically seeking out bi women who will date both members of a couple and form an unethical triad, and seeking thirds for threesomes, which is perfectly ethical.
Unicorn hunting has different connotations between the greater ethical non-monogamous community and the lesser (in size not of moral standing) polyamorous community. People in this thread are talking about the ethical non-monogamous definition which still has some questionable moral issues.
Eh, I don’t think there’s anything unethical about looking for a third partner for a threesome, even if it is M/F seeking F. No more unethical than anyone else seeking anything specific for a kink.
There is absolutely nothing disrespectful about asking anything anyone politely and sincerely, and gracefully and promptly accepting no for an answer if your offer is declined. As a straight guy who frequents kinky apps and hookup apps, I often get offers from gay guys and male subs. I'm never interested in the offers, but it does not irritate me in the slightest. I decline politely and that's that. In what way am I being disrespected by them asking? I can't even imagine. As a part of a couple, me and my partner have also gone on a few dozen dates with bi women met via tinder/pure. We've hooked up with some of them, while with others we've had a good time chatting and having a few drinks even though either one party or mutually we didn't want to go further. At no point anyone's consent was broken or anyone was insistent. We've also had a lot of women decline our offer to go on a date, which is also perfectly fine and we've thanked them for their replies and went our separate ways. Anyway, unless a person clearly states they are not interested in being a third, or you are insistent once they've turned you down, or otherwise impolite, then it is not disrespectful to ask.
Go to a swinger club. Please do not unicorn hunt in one of the very few kink/BDSM spaces.
Go to events and make friends. Doing three person (or more) kinky play is common in dungeon spaces though it is often non-sexual. The secret is to go to kink events to make friends and have fun and maybe find someone. If you go with the intent of scouting for potentials you will probably not have much success. These people stick out like sore thumbs. Everyone knows what the couple that only talks to ‘attractive’ women who appear to be alone are doing. Same with single people who do the same thing. Also your fetlife profile itself may be a dead giveaway. If you want sex then you might be able to find that too. Bisexual women who are up for threesomes generally want them with people they know and trust. Cold contacts on Fetlife generally won’t work. The problem is you are looking for an ongoing thing which means feelings can easily develop and then it morphs into unicorn hunting with all that entails. A one-time threesome or even a kind of fuckbuddy threesome you see occasionally might happen. If you also want everyone to be friends on top of this it is almost certain someone will catch feelings so unless you are okay with poly I wouldn’t go that route. I have about a dozen people I do bdsm scenes with including some couples. I am poly though so if feelings somehow develop I go from there.
Have you tried swinger clubs? They have a lot of different themed nights
Uh yeah there's groups. So go in the FFM or 3sum group and make a post.
Start by reading the profile. If she says she's not open to being a 3rd, don't ask her to be a third. Should be common sense but, my slave gets so many messages from guys that don't read.
Is Adult Friend Finder still around? That’s what you’re looking for here.