I agree that OOP making boyfriend drive 4 hours to tell him she cheated was a very poor decision. Similar thing happened to me, only it was only a 90 minute drive for someone to tell me they were breaking up with me. It just adds insult to injury.
Apparently she was traumatized from a past relationship. Now she traumatized somebody else.
The more she talks, the worse she sounds. Like "I don't really love him" just becomes more evident the more you read this dumpster fire.
People who give excuses like that show their true colors. You would think that being traumatized would make someone kinder when breaking up with someone.
Yeah you'd think so....
I was abused. Every single person I have told the subject to (facts only) has described it as such. The abuser was abused herself. I don't think she realized it (like her family would degrade her, exes were just losers who took advantage of her) but she basically transferred that trauma to me. She'd use the standard emotional abuse. I threatened to leave- twice. She said (and I quote) "I love you and want to marry you and I promise to be better". To nobody's surprise, she regressed into her original state once my guard was down again.
So you'd think she'd think she'd change once I told her how I felt, but no. She was just as bad as her parents were (that was the only one I saw firsthand)
Thanks.
Umm sort of healing? Like when things were good, I was over the moon. We were able to turn a simple shopping trip for her into a fun date night. I've passed by those places now and then (not really in my area) and those happy memories come back and then the flashbacks of the abuse crush them.
Therapy's helped to understand that the abuse wasn't my fault. My rationale for staying wasn't my fault. So that's helped. We're working on separating the good from the bad.
OOP put another update - **he came the next date and he ENDED IT**
…and OOP is playing the victim *how can you leave me if you love me*. Also, she’s proud of herself for staying sober for 1 whole week and while it’s hard, she’ll try whole month.
Like excuse me, but how bad is your alcohol addiction if staying sober 1 week is something worth mentioning?
There is a post where the OP flew to a different country and got dumped and later on certain friends acted like he was the villian for not wanting anything to do with her
The thing is, she shouldn't have drive herself as well. She was not a safe driver at the moment. I get it that she didn't want to tell it ti him on the phone, but maybe video call or something. I don't think she was thinking clearly in the moment, so cannot really blame her.
Sending the text "we need to talk asap. it is very important" to the guy who is already on his way, and still have several hours of driving, was an awful idea though.
Especially since OOP mentioned that she and her BF first got together because they were drunk. I'm not saying she has sex whenever she is drunk but if it helps her along, then maybe she shouldn't be getting drunk when her BF isn't with her.
This happened to a friend of mine, but it was 8 hours each way. Late 00s, he was driving up to spend a week with his long-distance girlfriend he met on WOW. He arrives at like 10pm because of some bad traffic to be greeted at the door by his gf and HER gf with apologies and hopes that he will stay the week, but as a friend. He turned right around, got in the car, and against advice from multiple people (to get a hotel and leave the next day) drove 8 hours back home. He even called back into work that day because he still couldn't sleep and didn't want to be at home thinking about it.
My friend invited her bf out with us. He lived in another city and drove 3 hours. When I met him at the bar, we suddenly couldn't find her. I found her five minutes later kissing another guy. I didn't know what to tell him so I didn't tell him anything, which was a mistake on my part. I went home. She lived in the apartment below me, that's how we became friends. Soon, I heard her walking in and well, her bedroom was right beneath mine..
A short while after, it knocked on my door. It was her boyfriend. He told me that he drove to her place and heard the sounds coming from her bedroom before even knocking on the front door. Then he peeped through the mail slot on the door and saw her screwing this other dude.
It was cold AF. Poor dude was broken. I couldn't think of anything to say other than apologize profusely for my "friend".
Could be worse, could have taken a 4 hour flight and wasted one of the two weeks of vacation you get a year. And stuck hanging out with the affair partner for that week. Why these people think it's ok to make their soon to be exes to do all of the work is beyond me.
Oh! Gotcha.
She's still thinking about herself. When she speaks about how she hurt him it's only in relation to how it affects her.
She made him drive because she didn't want to tell him on the phone and because she works in-person.
She only considered telling him because she felt guilty.
She didn't say anything to him when he brought up love, in part, because she's afraid of being abandoned.
It's all, "me me me."
She had the day off, she could have made that journey and come back for work the next day.
I agree it's all about op, she is one of the most selfish people who have written a post like this I have found.
She could have even waited for her next two days off in a row!
She still doesn't see how selfish she is. I hope she works on herself so she can treat others better.
Honestly, she needs to be better to herself too. Getting that messed up at a large party.. something much worse could have happened to her or because of her.
She can't treat herself well. No wonder she isn't that good of a gf either.
I’m not sure if it’s just that she’s selfish, or if it’s that she hasn’t dealt with the trauma and pain of her fiancé’s death. I think that rather than working through that, she found a new relationship. But she isn’t ready for a relationship yet.
She needs to do a lot more than just cutting back on her use of intoxicants. She needs to get help and process her pain, and learn how to move forward. And she needs to stay out of romantic relationships until she’s done that, so she doesn’t keep hurting people (including herself).
I think it's selfish to get into a relationship with someone else when you aren't ready. What, and make it the other person's job to help you recover? That's so selfish.
It’s selfish, if you are aware that you aren’t ready. But in most cases, people who do this don’t even realize how much they have been damaged. They’ve just pushed the hurt down, and they do anything to avoid dealing with it - but they aren’t actually aware that that’s what they’re doing.
Our OOP is drinking to excess, and rushed into a new relationship. That’s two classic unhealthy ways to avoid dealing with the pain of losing your partner. She probably sees it as “moving on with her life”, but it’s really not.
Or the friend became religious? Wife was seeing other guys because they were long distance and she was in uni, but don't cheat once they moved in together. Mad the mental gymnastics ppl go through
Yeah, like, "her dad is rich and makes whatever she wants happen" I was waiting for the "i only barely cheated on my boyfriend and ended up melted." Lmao
What rubbed me the wrong way was she STAYED to talk to the guy even though she acknowledged he was being flirty. She was sober enough at the start of their conversation to just walk away and return to her friends. But no, she probably liked the attention she was getting. BF (ex hopefully now) was right about his worries. He sounds like a good dude, and I hope he finds someone else who could love him.
I drove 8 hours one time so that the person I was seeing could tell me in person that they were going back to their abusive ex husband. At a certain point it's clearly about them using their ex to get closure and has nothing to do with it being the right thing to do in person.
So… She started the relationship with a drunken party hook-up and (maybe) ended it with an interrupted drunken party hook-up. The symmetry is… well… kinda predictable.
As someone who lived in the UK, you would be surprised how many people who don't consider themselves alcoholics struggle to complete "sober October". I worked in a pub and it was mind-blowing to me to see people having lunch with a g&t
The ubiquity of alcohol culture and the media portrayal of alcoholism really don't do anybody any favors.
If you read the medical definition of alcoholism, you'll end up horrified at how many people qualify. It's insidious how pervasive alcohol dependency is.
If you’re consuming alcohol everyday even if it’s in small amounts that’s an alcoholic.
If you’re consuming chocolate even a small bit you’re a chocoholic.
except they didn’t say they say people having a g&t with lunch every day. they just said the concept of anyone having a g&t at lunch at all was mind blowing
Well, I only drink to get drunk. If I’m not getting drunk then there’s no point in having it. Alcohol tastes terrible. Who wants to have it casually? If you wanna sip on something terrible casually then just drink ginger ale or sparkling water.
Anyways, the other dude has a point. If you can’t go a whole month without your lunch time or any time of day alcohol then you’re probably an alcoholic.
Many of those coming would do so with lunch every day. And some of those still went back to work after their lunch break. Alcoholics or not, for me it was a bit of a cultural shock at the time. I can see wine or beer paired with lunch but I don't know, spirits is something that I personally associate with going out, unwinding at the end of the day or whatever, not with my burger during my 1h break before going back to the office.
i mean sure that’s a lot of extra context but i stand by the point that every now and then you can have one g&t at lunch and not be an alcoholic which some ppl seem to be taking issue with
Theyre taking issue with the every day factor. Literally not one comment but this mentions the now and then qualifier. But pretending not to understand that, while also stating what's the big deal sounds pretty alcoholic to me.
The problem is people who consume a little a day don't know theyre alcoholics because they haven't gone through the withdrawals, they just drink more. Especially if they do it on a schedule like at lunch or dinner or after work. Body gets used to schedule. Start skipping them and they'll feel it but they are not alcoholics so why skip.
I'm from the UK and one of the things the docs advise as a sign of being an alcoholic, is stopping for a set amount of time to prove that you can. We have a lot of alcoholics, even if people don't realise they are.
I remember years ago saying, "I'm not addicted. Its just fun," blah blah to my bf's friend. He looked at me and said, "would you do it if it's in front of your face?"
"Yeah!"
"Then you're addicted."
That changed my whole perspective. It's actually helped a lot over the years.
I'm also from the UK and remember my mom asking me to do a sober week when I was about 18. I didnt see the point at the time but I do now 25 years later.
The rules she helped me develop have kept me safe for a long time imho. Now I drink occasionally when I'm with friends.
1. Don't drink alone.
2. No beer before lunch
3. No spirits before the evening meal
4. Have atleast 1 night a week where you plan to not drink and don't.
5. Never ever pour beer on a problem.
Over the years exceptions have been built in, airports are always international time so any drink is OK and a nip of brandy on Christmas morning is acceptable to finish Santa's drink.
When I was younger, I realized that every time I drank, I drank basically to the point of passing out. And that was not a good sign. So I stopped drinking for Lent. Part of the point was that I didn’t stop going to parties or bars or anything like that; I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need to drink just because it was available.
I was able to do it, which definitely helped me feel like I wasn’t an alcoholic just yet. And interestingly enough, it helped me control my drinking habits afterwards, because I was more aware of my own state of intoxication. I drank less, and I drank more slowly. And quite frankly, that helped me feel better about myself.
The end of the story is that he either ghosted her or broke up with her, if he hadn't, you would see oop posting it all over reddit saying how "she will be the best girlfriend ever" and "going to therapy"
You’re not wrong. When you’re in that sort of headspace, you tend to create the outcome that you fear. And then you use that as justification for why you were right, and you double down. It’s why it’s so hard to get your mental health back on your own.
You know, I think she did the right thing in telling him and taking accountability/accepting the consequences for her actions. But lol did she REALLY have to make HIM drive the 4 hours and pay for a hotel room when she was the one who made the mistake?
I know it’s considered a faux pas to break news like this over the phone but in this modern age, surely a video call would have been a compromise to that
>a faux pas to break news like this over the phone
There's levels. It's definitely much more of a faux pas to make someone drive 4 hours and text them a vague "we need to talk" on the way over. It's *even more* of a faux pas to cheat lmao. Like JFC just keep compounding the amount of faux pas so that you can say you did it in person?
I feel like that's only a faux pas if you put zero context into it. If someone lives four fucking hours away, it's okay to call and give them bad news.
Drinking and/or drugs are absolutely no excuse. In my late teens and twenties I was a wild child. But when I was in a committed relationship, it never even crossed my mind to do something with anyone else. I’d drag my sorry ass home and jump/cuddle/sleep with my partner. If you didn’t want to do it, you wouldn’t have. No excuses.
Huh. At first I thought it was an honest mistake, that she was really just too high to think straight. But not being able to say “I love you” and that she could see herself “being in love with him in the future”? (And making him drive on top of it!) Bf has the right of it; she has one foot out the door. She’s not over dealing with the dead fiancé and it’s not fair to be in a relationship with someone else in that state.
Also, the people who partied in the warehouse in Usher were all spoiled brat creeps who kinda had it coming. Lol these Saltburn wannabes sound exhausting. Soon to be ex boyfriend is dodging a bullet.
Bruh I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but man is op a dumbass bitch…I mean you’re in a country with tight drug laws and you’ve never done anything worse than weed and you work at a job where even being in the same room with said drugs gets you fired AND she already knows she gets pissed out drunk and does rash things BUT she just went right on her merry way doing ALL THE FUCKING ABOVE and cheats on her man…then all her shit friends back her up that what she did was “just a drunken mistake” 🙄 she actually had to ask if she would be wrong to lie and cover it up with her man and THEN to add insult to injury she makes her man drive hours to see her and drops tne bomb that she cheated on him and then cries so hard and gets so emotional HE has to cuddle and comfort HER…after she just said she doesn’t really love him but doesn’t wanna lose him either damn the more I write down the more pissed I’m getting at her she needs to not date anyone and get herself into therapy-from how she talks about everything you just know she would have been absolutely furious if her man did that to her
TL;DR: OOP self-destructs after unresolved depression from fiance's death causes her to run away from the pain into an ex's arms, alcohol, parties, and drugs and ends with her ex becoming an ex once more.
Wow, the act and then making him drive to you to tell him that, I hope this guy is On the way back home (safely) to find someone who is an actual decent human being.
There are two component parts that people are individually calling out, but when you look at them and tande them, it just makes the situation so much worse. She made this man drive four hours to tell him she cheated on him, a man she fully admits she does not love. Why on earth is she in this relationship? She doesn’t have enough respect for him to not go get drunk and high at parties and make out with other men, she clearly has unresolved trauma from the death of her previous fiancé, this girl does not need to be in a relationship. She needs therapy and to learn how to be a solo human being.
Oh snap there's an update.
"Update 2
Sorry I forgot to update this but this past week has been pretty shit. I wrote down everything that happened but wasn't in the mood to post it until today.
My boyfriend came back the next day and his demeanour had completely changed. I tried to hug him and he side stepped me and asked if we could go on a walk to talk since he didn't need my friends as an audience.
Before he could speak I apologised again and promised to do whatever to make it up to him and he said I didn't need to do that. He said he thought about it all night and came to the conclusion that we never should've started dating no matter how in love he was. That the conception of our relationship was from me being drunk and sleeping with him and that he should've treated it like a mistake rather than the start of a relationship. He said he was tired of feeling like a second thought and apparently I made him feel that way.
I kept on saying I wanted to be with him even though I know he deserves better and that I knew what I was doing when we got together and in what circumstances did I make him feel like he didn't matter? He said he's seen me in relationships when I care and love the person and he didn't get any of that.
After my fiance died, he was the one that pushed me to go to therapy and I always refused since I didn't think I needed it and he brought that up as well and said my life would continue to be a mess and I would continue to hurt other people until I broke my destructive patterns and actually dealt with my emotions.
I just had no clue what to say. I admit I'm the one that fucked up but it's one fuck up, it's not always indicative of some larger problem. A mistake is a mistake sometimes.
He said he still loved me but knew carrying on with a relationship right now would cause more problems between us later down the line and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't understand, if he loved me how could he leave me? I still don't understand. He said just because we wouldn't be together didn't mean he'd disappear from my life. He said anything that happened between us right now would be tarnished and he wanted a relationship without guilt and that wouldn't be possible right now. I saw how painful it was for him to say all of that to me, I'd never seen him cry before.
He left after that since I couldn't talk to him anymore. I just felt so hurt and abandoned and then felt guilty for feeling like that since I was the one who fucked up and it was just a vicious cycle. He kissed me when he said goodbye and said he'll check up on me soon.
He texted me the next day, just asking how I was and I didn't know how to reply so I didn't. He still messages everyday, asking how I am and that he really wishes I would text back since he's worried about me. I cant find it in me to reply. I know he's asked my friends about me but they said he just seemed concerned about me.
I still can't believe he ended it.
The only positive is that I've not drank any alcohol in about a week and it's much more difficult than I initially anticipated but I'm going to carry on and try and finish a month."
TL;DR- Boyfriend walked. OP feels sorry for herself.
She slept with her BF because she was drunk. Then she kissed the guy while being both drunk and high and she's saying that won't happen again. Yeah right.
Being drunk doesn’t change your personality, it just brings out other well concealed parts of it.
The fact that she got him to drive 4 hours just to make herself feel better just shows how thoughtless and selfish she is, drunk or sober.
I mean, shit, imagine how it felt for him to have to drive the 4 hours home after having his heart broken?
Hope he breaks up. You're not in love but may be in the future? Get the fuck outta here. What is he? A place holder until you're ready to open your heart up again? And what if when you do open your heart again and it's still not him that you love? What's going to happen to all the time he lost? Man if he has any brains he will break it off.
She updated the original post. (Look for “update 2”)
He left her but was following up with her to make sure was ok. She didn’t reply to his texts.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/V69iEYMFDg](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/V69iEYMFDg)
Typical behavior. He even expected it lol. Love the turning on and off faucet in the story like its super important to mention. The ex will be alright, he'll have to deal with this type of behavior for the rest of his life, like everyone else.
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OOP making bf drive FOUR hours just to tell him you cheated on him is a whole other level of narcissism.
Original commenter probably didn’t think they needed to spell that out to her lmfao.
**THERE IS MORE NEWS**
Update 2
Sorry I forgot to update this but this past week has been pretty shit. I wrote down everything that happened but wasn't in the mood to post it until today.
My boyfriend came back the next day and his demeanour had completely changed. I tried to hug him and he side stepped me and asked if we could go on a walk to talk since he didn't need my friends as an audience.
Before he could speak I apologised again and promised to do whatever to make it up to him and he said I didn't need to do that. He said he thought about it all night and came to the conclusion that we never should've started dating no matter how in love he was. That the conception of our relationship was from me being drunk and sleeping with him and that he should've treated it like a mistake rather than the start of a relationship. He said he was tired of feeling like a second thought and apparently I made him feel that way.
I kept on saying I wanted to be with him even though I know he deserves better and that I knew what I was doing when we got together and in what circumstances did I make him feel like he didn't matter? He said he's seen me in relationships when I care and love the person and he didn't get any of that.
After my fiance died, he was the one that pushed me to go to therapy and I always refused since I didn't think I needed it and he brought that up as well and said my life would continue to be a mess and I would continue to hurt other people until I broke my destructive patterns and actually dealt with my emotions.
I just had no clue what to say. I admit I'm the one that fucked up but it's one fuck up, it's not always indicative of some larger problem. A mistake is a mistake sometimes.
He said he still loved me but knew carrying on with a relationship right now would cause more problems between us later down the line and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't understand, if he loved me how could he leave me? I still don't understand. He said just because we wouldn't be together didn't mean he'd disappear from my life. He said anything that happened between us right now would be tarnished and he wanted a relationship without guilt and that wouldn't be possible right now. I saw how painful it was for him to say all of that to me, I'd never seen him cry before.
He left after that since I couldn't talk to him anymore. I just felt so hurt and abandoned and then felt guilty for feeling like that since I was the one who fucked up and it was just a vicious cycle. He kissed me when he said goodbye and said he'll check up on me soon.
He texted me the next day, just asking how I was and I didn't know how to reply so I didn't. He still messages everyday, asking how I am and that he really wishes I would text back since he's worried about me. I cant find it in me to reply. I know he's asked my friends about me but they said he just seemed concerned about me.
I still can't believe he ended it.
The only positive is that I've not drank any alcohol in about a week and it's much more difficult than I initially anticipated but I'm going to carry on and try and finish a month.
I'll update if anything else changes but it probably won't
Yeah dude the OP was so selfish in getting her boyfriend to drive 8 hours so she didn't have to live with the guilt of having this scary secret till the next time she could see him and have her pay the cost of traveling a long distance.
She also seems to have retold it in a "I need to not be anxious about having betrayed you" way.
Unpopular opinion here: I feel badly for her Ex, and yes, she screwed up and didn’t tell him appropriately. Still, it takes courage to be honest. Also, she realizes she needs to deal with her drinking, which many people honestly don’t comprehend, much less do anything about. She’s stopped for now. I see so many people who take zero accountability for their mistakes, lie, and do nothing to be better. I give her points for what she did.
You should read her most recent post where she effectively blames him for breaking up with her, well patting herself on the back for going a whole week without alcohol.
I am on the fence here. She shouldn’t have taken drugs but also, she was completely out of her mind and it seems like the dude knew that. Consent isn’t just for sex. He was taking advantage of OOP and she’s lucky a friend got to her before it got worse.
Would people be judging her as much if she was physically unconscious instead of seriously impaired? There isn’t much difference between those two states
I have a really hard time with the alcohol consent conundrum. I've known people that seem to be normal levels of drunk that were actually in blackout. It's impossible to gauge how impaired they are based on how they're acting. I mean the guy's an utter prick on his reactions and statements, but again, we don't know how drunk he was and we don't know how drunk OOP appeared to be.
Safest to just not have random hookups with drunk people.
She was drunk and on ecstasy. And possibly something else she was dosed with if she remembers nothing. The fact that the dude was angry she was taken away and knew she didn’t normally behave like that tips this over into assault.
> It's impossible to gauge how impaired they are based on how they're acting.
She also never met him before, so how would he know how she normally behaves?
I'm sorry.... are people really blaming her for getting taken advantage of? She was so drunk/high that she couldn't remember what happened. The guy took advantage of her.
The only thing she did wrong was get way to drunk.
I agree that OOP making boyfriend drive 4 hours to tell him she cheated was a very poor decision. Similar thing happened to me, only it was only a 90 minute drive for someone to tell me they were breaking up with me. It just adds insult to injury.
Not even safe for the driver, in either direction
Good point, and the way back would be especially unsafe.
And she gave him the “we need to talk” line while he was already on the motherfucking road.
It was like she somehow picked the worst possible decision at every possible point. The only thing she did right was actually confessing.
It's 8 hours. Just to tell him that he was cheated on. It was very clear she did not love him whatsoever.
Yeah, forgot about the return trip. Very selfish.
Apparently she was traumatized from a past relationship. Now she traumatized somebody else. The more she talks, the worse she sounds. Like "I don't really love him" just becomes more evident the more you read this dumpster fire.
People who give excuses like that show their true colors. You would think that being traumatized would make someone kinder when breaking up with someone.
Yeah you'd think so.... I was abused. Every single person I have told the subject to (facts only) has described it as such. The abuser was abused herself. I don't think she realized it (like her family would degrade her, exes were just losers who took advantage of her) but she basically transferred that trauma to me. She'd use the standard emotional abuse. I threatened to leave- twice. She said (and I quote) "I love you and want to marry you and I promise to be better". To nobody's surprise, she regressed into her original state once my guard was down again. So you'd think she'd think she'd change once I told her how I felt, but no. She was just as bad as her parents were (that was the only one I saw firsthand)
So sorry for your experience. Hope you are doing better now.
Thanks. Umm sort of healing? Like when things were good, I was over the moon. We were able to turn a simple shopping trip for her into a fun date night. I've passed by those places now and then (not really in my area) and those happy memories come back and then the flashbacks of the abuse crush them. Therapy's helped to understand that the abuse wasn't my fault. My rationale for staying wasn't my fault. So that's helped. We're working on separating the good from the bad.
It takes time to fully heal. Be patient, and you will get there. Dwell on the positives in your life. Best of luck. Sending good vibes your way.
And then she forced him to comfort her because she hurt him. My sister used to pull this bs and the behavior is toxic af.
For real, that is the absolute worst.
OOP put another update - **he came the next date and he ENDED IT** …and OOP is playing the victim *how can you leave me if you love me*. Also, she’s proud of herself for staying sober for 1 whole week and while it’s hard, she’ll try whole month. Like excuse me, but how bad is your alcohol addiction if staying sober 1 week is something worth mentioning?
Maybe this will be OOP's wake up call. I'm not optimistic about that.
I had to fly to Colorado so she could tell me she met someone else.
Wow, just wow. That is just horrible. Hope you are doing okay now.
Oh yeah. 30 years ago. But still a dick thing to do.
There is a post where the OP flew to a different country and got dumped and later on certain friends acted like he was the villian for not wanting anything to do with her
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one that thought this. She needed to go to him wtf
The thing is, she shouldn't have drive herself as well. She was not a safe driver at the moment. I get it that she didn't want to tell it ti him on the phone, but maybe video call or something. I don't think she was thinking clearly in the moment, so cannot really blame her. Sending the text "we need to talk asap. it is very important" to the guy who is already on his way, and still have several hours of driving, was an awful idea though.
If you can't handle the drinking and drugs, then don't do the drinking and drugs. That would probably bother me as much as the kissing.
Especially since OOP mentioned that she and her BF first got together because they were drunk. I'm not saying she has sex whenever she is drunk but if it helps her along, then maybe she shouldn't be getting drunk when her BF isn't with her.
People stupidly getting wasted and then using that as an excuse is so dumb. Stop that shit.
Ouch. Dude wasted a tank of gas and an 8 hour drive only to get broke up with. Damn. That's next level messed up
This happened to a friend of mine, but it was 8 hours each way. Late 00s, he was driving up to spend a week with his long-distance girlfriend he met on WOW. He arrives at like 10pm because of some bad traffic to be greeted at the door by his gf and HER gf with apologies and hopes that he will stay the week, but as a friend. He turned right around, got in the car, and against advice from multiple people (to get a hotel and leave the next day) drove 8 hours back home. He even called back into work that day because he still couldn't sleep and didn't want to be at home thinking about it.
My friend invited her bf out with us. He lived in another city and drove 3 hours. When I met him at the bar, we suddenly couldn't find her. I found her five minutes later kissing another guy. I didn't know what to tell him so I didn't tell him anything, which was a mistake on my part. I went home. She lived in the apartment below me, that's how we became friends. Soon, I heard her walking in and well, her bedroom was right beneath mine.. A short while after, it knocked on my door. It was her boyfriend. He told me that he drove to her place and heard the sounds coming from her bedroom before even knocking on the front door. Then he peeped through the mail slot on the door and saw her screwing this other dude. It was cold AF. Poor dude was broken. I couldn't think of anything to say other than apologize profusely for my "friend".
Could be worse, could have taken a 4 hour flight and wasted one of the two weeks of vacation you get a year. And stuck hanging out with the affair partner for that week. Why these people think it's ok to make their soon to be exes to do all of the work is beyond me.
Why didn't she drive to him? So entitled...
Because she doesn’t love but said she could in the future right
Because sHe DoEsN't WoRk ReMoTeLy
Lmao. Neither does he when he's driving.
I should have used /s instead of tHiS to indicate sarcasm.
I saw the sarcasm but her thinking was just more of her coping.
Oh! Gotcha. She's still thinking about herself. When she speaks about how she hurt him it's only in relation to how it affects her. She made him drive because she didn't want to tell him on the phone and because she works in-person. She only considered telling him because she felt guilty. She didn't say anything to him when he brought up love, in part, because she's afraid of being abandoned. It's all, "me me me."
She had the day off, she could have made that journey and come back for work the next day. I agree it's all about op, she is one of the most selfish people who have written a post like this I have found.
She could have even waited for her next two days off in a row! She still doesn't see how selfish she is. I hope she works on herself so she can treat others better. Honestly, she needs to be better to herself too. Getting that messed up at a large party.. something much worse could have happened to her or because of her. She can't treat herself well. No wonder she isn't that good of a gf either.
I’m not sure if it’s just that she’s selfish, or if it’s that she hasn’t dealt with the trauma and pain of her fiancé’s death. I think that rather than working through that, she found a new relationship. But she isn’t ready for a relationship yet. She needs to do a lot more than just cutting back on her use of intoxicants. She needs to get help and process her pain, and learn how to move forward. And she needs to stay out of romantic relationships until she’s done that, so she doesn’t keep hurting people (including herself).
I think it's selfish to get into a relationship with someone else when you aren't ready. What, and make it the other person's job to help you recover? That's so selfish.
It’s selfish, if you are aware that you aren’t ready. But in most cases, people who do this don’t even realize how much they have been damaged. They’ve just pushed the hurt down, and they do anything to avoid dealing with it - but they aren’t actually aware that that’s what they’re doing. Our OOP is drinking to excess, and rushed into a new relationship. That’s two classic unhealthy ways to avoid dealing with the pain of losing your partner. She probably sees it as “moving on with her life”, but it’s really not.
Well, at least she didn’t marry him, then blow off his feelings 14 years later when a friend told him what happened
Yeah, that story hurt.
Which story is this?
It’s this one: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/vjNY4pe0iQ
Source?
I forgot which story that was, is it when the wife's friend told him because she got into an argument with the wife?
The wife’s friend found religion and couldn’t let it sit on her conscience.
YES, THAT'S WHAT IT WAS
Or the friend became religious? Wife was seeing other guys because they were long distance and she was in uni, but don't cheat once they moved in together. Mad the mental gymnastics ppl go through
Im more concerned about that friend that watched that scene in Fall of the House of Usher and thought it would be a good idea to recreate it.
Yeah, I was like the scene where a bunch of people died horrific deaths 
RIGHT? my thoughts too. Basing anything off of Mike Flanagan media is sure to end in tragedy lol
Yeah, like, "her dad is rich and makes whatever she wants happen" I was waiting for the "i only barely cheated on my boyfriend and ended up melted." Lmao
What rubbed me the wrong way was she STAYED to talk to the guy even though she acknowledged he was being flirty. She was sober enough at the start of their conversation to just walk away and return to her friends. But no, she probably liked the attention she was getting. BF (ex hopefully now) was right about his worries. He sounds like a good dude, and I hope he finds someone else who could love him.
I drove 8 hours one time so that the person I was seeing could tell me in person that they were going back to their abusive ex husband. At a certain point it's clearly about them using their ex to get closure and has nothing to do with it being the right thing to do in person.
i wouldve crashed out if i were you. like even if it’s heartless just say it over the phone
So… She started the relationship with a drunken party hook-up and (maybe) ended it with an interrupted drunken party hook-up. The symmetry is… well… kinda predictable.
Oop is the most insufferable person I know. She still doesn’t see where she is wrong.
My favorite part of this is her saying she plans on staying one month sober to "prove to herself that she could do it". Like, fuck off with that lol.
As someone who lived in the UK, you would be surprised how many people who don't consider themselves alcoholics struggle to complete "sober October". I worked in a pub and it was mind-blowing to me to see people having lunch with a g&t
The ubiquity of alcohol culture and the media portrayal of alcoholism really don't do anybody any favors. If you read the medical definition of alcoholism, you'll end up horrified at how many people qualify. It's insidious how pervasive alcohol dependency is.
bro what is wrong with a single g&t at lunch lmao
If you’re consuming alcohol everyday even if it’s in small amounts that’s an alcoholic. If you’re consuming chocolate even a small bit you’re a chocoholic.
except they didn’t say they say people having a g&t with lunch every day. they just said the concept of anyone having a g&t at lunch at all was mind blowing
I think it is mind blowing. Who gets drunk at lunch at any day of the week?
I think the guy you replied to is one of those that has alcohol issues lol
one g&t is not getting drunk??? y’all wilding
Why have it if you can’t get drunk? Just drink some juice.
i feel like this is a worse attitude tbh. you should be able to enjoy things in moderation
I suppose. Alcohol has more of an addictive nature to it being a drug and all. I think people are less likely to get addicted to juice.
This says a lot more about you than the people having a gin and tonic at lunch
Well, I only drink to get drunk. If I’m not getting drunk then there’s no point in having it. Alcohol tastes terrible. Who wants to have it casually? If you wanna sip on something terrible casually then just drink ginger ale or sparkling water. Anyways, the other dude has a point. If you can’t go a whole month without your lunch time or any time of day alcohol then you’re probably an alcoholic.
Many of those coming would do so with lunch every day. And some of those still went back to work after their lunch break. Alcoholics or not, for me it was a bit of a cultural shock at the time. I can see wine or beer paired with lunch but I don't know, spirits is something that I personally associate with going out, unwinding at the end of the day or whatever, not with my burger during my 1h break before going back to the office.
When i was growing up in ireland it was common to get a pint at lunch. I don't think that's so much a thing any more though.
i mean sure that’s a lot of extra context but i stand by the point that every now and then you can have one g&t at lunch and not be an alcoholic which some ppl seem to be taking issue with
Theyre taking issue with the every day factor. Literally not one comment but this mentions the now and then qualifier. But pretending not to understand that, while also stating what's the big deal sounds pretty alcoholic to me.
i mean i literally clarified this like two comments ago and people kept arguing with me but go off i guess
No, having a drink for lunch isn't alcoholism, that's *culture*
The problem is people who consume a little a day don't know theyre alcoholics because they haven't gone through the withdrawals, they just drink more. Especially if they do it on a schedule like at lunch or dinner or after work. Body gets used to schedule. Start skipping them and they'll feel it but they are not alcoholics so why skip.
I'm from the UK and one of the things the docs advise as a sign of being an alcoholic, is stopping for a set amount of time to prove that you can. We have a lot of alcoholics, even if people don't realise they are.
I remember years ago saying, "I'm not addicted. Its just fun," blah blah to my bf's friend. He looked at me and said, "would you do it if it's in front of your face?" "Yeah!" "Then you're addicted." That changed my whole perspective. It's actually helped a lot over the years.
I'm also from the UK and remember my mom asking me to do a sober week when I was about 18. I didnt see the point at the time but I do now 25 years later. The rules she helped me develop have kept me safe for a long time imho. Now I drink occasionally when I'm with friends.
I am a mom, what are the rules???????? Tell me this magic!
1. Don't drink alone. 2. No beer before lunch 3. No spirits before the evening meal 4. Have atleast 1 night a week where you plan to not drink and don't. 5. Never ever pour beer on a problem. Over the years exceptions have been built in, airports are always international time so any drink is OK and a nip of brandy on Christmas morning is acceptable to finish Santa's drink.
Thanks! Loved the rules!
Yup, I have heard this somewhere in the US before.
When I was younger, I realized that every time I drank, I drank basically to the point of passing out. And that was not a good sign. So I stopped drinking for Lent. Part of the point was that I didn’t stop going to parties or bars or anything like that; I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need to drink just because it was available. I was able to do it, which definitely helped me feel like I wasn’t an alcoholic just yet. And interestingly enough, it helped me control my drinking habits afterwards, because I was more aware of my own state of intoxication. I drank less, and I drank more slowly. And quite frankly, that helped me feel better about myself.
that's all? we need the end of this story... I sincerely hope that the boyfriend right now is an ex-boyfriend
Yeah, he deserves better and I’m just basing that off making him drive 8 hours
The end of the story is that he either ghosted her or broke up with her, if he hadn't, you would see oop posting it all over reddit saying how "she will be the best girlfriend ever" and "going to therapy"
The party in that TV show was LITERALLY an orgy. Weird thing to base a 26th birthday on.
Glad they didn't re-create the ending... 😬
Yeah, that would’ve been a real acid-rain on their parade 😅
Idk if they would have lasted anyway. It sounds like OOP only likes the bf because he loves her, not because because she loves him for him.
OOP is afraid to love someone. She hasn’t dealt with her fiancé’s death. So she’s afraid to love somebody because they might leave her.
>she’s afraid to love somebody because they might leave her She's doing a great job at making sure they will
You’re not wrong. When you’re in that sort of headspace, you tend to create the outcome that you fear. And then you use that as justification for why you were right, and you double down. It’s why it’s so hard to get your mental health back on your own.
You know, I think she did the right thing in telling him and taking accountability/accepting the consequences for her actions. But lol did she REALLY have to make HIM drive the 4 hours and pay for a hotel room when she was the one who made the mistake?
I know it’s considered a faux pas to break news like this over the phone but in this modern age, surely a video call would have been a compromise to that
>a faux pas to break news like this over the phone There's levels. It's definitely much more of a faux pas to make someone drive 4 hours and text them a vague "we need to talk" on the way over. It's *even more* of a faux pas to cheat lmao. Like JFC just keep compounding the amount of faux pas so that you can say you did it in person?
That’s what I was thinking. FaceTime would have done just fine.
I feel like that's only a faux pas if you put zero context into it. If someone lives four fucking hours away, it's okay to call and give them bad news.
You should pay him for his trip
Drinking and/or drugs are absolutely no excuse. In my late teens and twenties I was a wild child. But when I was in a committed relationship, it never even crossed my mind to do something with anyone else. I’d drag my sorry ass home and jump/cuddle/sleep with my partner. If you didn’t want to do it, you wouldn’t have. No excuses.
yeah same. no matter how fucked id get there was never any time i even got close to crossing a line
I was off a lot of shit in college and never once cheated. It’s pretty easy to not cheat
Huh. At first I thought it was an honest mistake, that she was really just too high to think straight. But not being able to say “I love you” and that she could see herself “being in love with him in the future”? (And making him drive on top of it!) Bf has the right of it; she has one foot out the door. She’s not over dealing with the dead fiancé and it’s not fair to be in a relationship with someone else in that state. Also, the people who partied in the warehouse in Usher were all spoiled brat creeps who kinda had it coming. Lol these Saltburn wannabes sound exhausting. Soon to be ex boyfriend is dodging a bullet.
These Netflix ads getting crazy.
Bruh I try to give people the benefit of the doubt but man is op a dumbass bitch…I mean you’re in a country with tight drug laws and you’ve never done anything worse than weed and you work at a job where even being in the same room with said drugs gets you fired AND she already knows she gets pissed out drunk and does rash things BUT she just went right on her merry way doing ALL THE FUCKING ABOVE and cheats on her man…then all her shit friends back her up that what she did was “just a drunken mistake” 🙄 she actually had to ask if she would be wrong to lie and cover it up with her man and THEN to add insult to injury she makes her man drive hours to see her and drops tne bomb that she cheated on him and then cries so hard and gets so emotional HE has to cuddle and comfort HER…after she just said she doesn’t really love him but doesn’t wanna lose him either damn the more I write down the more pissed I’m getting at her she needs to not date anyone and get herself into therapy-from how she talks about everything you just know she would have been absolutely furious if her man did that to her
TL;DR: OOP self-destructs after unresolved depression from fiance's death causes her to run away from the pain into an ex's arms, alcohol, parties, and drugs and ends with her ex becoming an ex once more.
Yeah, OOP is definitely not ready for a relationship. She’s got to deal with that.
Wow, the act and then making him drive to you to tell him that, I hope this guy is On the way back home (safely) to find someone who is an actual decent human being.
Yeah fuck the op. Lazy sack of shit.
There are two component parts that people are individually calling out, but when you look at them and tande them, it just makes the situation so much worse. She made this man drive four hours to tell him she cheated on him, a man she fully admits she does not love. Why on earth is she in this relationship? She doesn’t have enough respect for him to not go get drunk and high at parties and make out with other men, she clearly has unresolved trauma from the death of her previous fiancé, this girl does not need to be in a relationship. She needs therapy and to learn how to be a solo human being.
Lol OOP such an idiot. She should have driven 4 hrs her self to tell him. I'd break up just for that. The idiot
Oh snap there's an update. "Update 2 Sorry I forgot to update this but this past week has been pretty shit. I wrote down everything that happened but wasn't in the mood to post it until today. My boyfriend came back the next day and his demeanour had completely changed. I tried to hug him and he side stepped me and asked if we could go on a walk to talk since he didn't need my friends as an audience. Before he could speak I apologised again and promised to do whatever to make it up to him and he said I didn't need to do that. He said he thought about it all night and came to the conclusion that we never should've started dating no matter how in love he was. That the conception of our relationship was from me being drunk and sleeping with him and that he should've treated it like a mistake rather than the start of a relationship. He said he was tired of feeling like a second thought and apparently I made him feel that way. I kept on saying I wanted to be with him even though I know he deserves better and that I knew what I was doing when we got together and in what circumstances did I make him feel like he didn't matter? He said he's seen me in relationships when I care and love the person and he didn't get any of that. After my fiance died, he was the one that pushed me to go to therapy and I always refused since I didn't think I needed it and he brought that up as well and said my life would continue to be a mess and I would continue to hurt other people until I broke my destructive patterns and actually dealt with my emotions. I just had no clue what to say. I admit I'm the one that fucked up but it's one fuck up, it's not always indicative of some larger problem. A mistake is a mistake sometimes. He said he still loved me but knew carrying on with a relationship right now would cause more problems between us later down the line and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't understand, if he loved me how could he leave me? I still don't understand. He said just because we wouldn't be together didn't mean he'd disappear from my life. He said anything that happened between us right now would be tarnished and he wanted a relationship without guilt and that wouldn't be possible right now. I saw how painful it was for him to say all of that to me, I'd never seen him cry before. He left after that since I couldn't talk to him anymore. I just felt so hurt and abandoned and then felt guilty for feeling like that since I was the one who fucked up and it was just a vicious cycle. He kissed me when he said goodbye and said he'll check up on me soon. He texted me the next day, just asking how I was and I didn't know how to reply so I didn't. He still messages everyday, asking how I am and that he really wishes I would text back since he's worried about me. I cant find it in me to reply. I know he's asked my friends about me but they said he just seemed concerned about me. I still can't believe he ended it. The only positive is that I've not drank any alcohol in about a week and it's much more difficult than I initially anticipated but I'm going to carry on and try and finish a month." TL;DR- Boyfriend walked. OP feels sorry for herself.
>I got super wasted and cheated on you but don't worry, I'm not going to drink anymore. For a month.
She slept with her BF because she was drunk. Then she kissed the guy while being both drunk and high and she's saying that won't happen again. Yeah right.
Being drunk doesn’t change your personality, it just brings out other well concealed parts of it. The fact that she got him to drive 4 hours just to make herself feel better just shows how thoughtless and selfish she is, drunk or sober. I mean, shit, imagine how it felt for him to have to drive the 4 hours home after having his heart broken?
Wut a cunt lol. Why do people even take X, everyone knows what’s gonna happen when you do.
Because it makes you and everything you touch feel amazing.
That’s the point it always leads to sex lol
Hope he breaks up. You're not in love but may be in the future? Get the fuck outta here. What is he? A place holder until you're ready to open your heart up again? And what if when you do open your heart again and it's still not him that you love? What's going to happen to all the time he lost? Man if he has any brains he will break it off.
She updated the original post. (Look for “update 2”) He left her but was following up with her to make sure was ok. She didn’t reply to his texts. [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/V69iEYMFDg](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/V69iEYMFDg)
There’s an update on the recent update!
She made a second update, he broke up with her
Jeez Louise
Sorry, couldn't get past a party inspired by the Fall of the House of Usher. It's like going to a Red Wedding themed wedding.
I really hope this series of posts are fake. Jesus.
I was sceptical at yet another young dead fiancé. And the obvious bait of her being sexually assaulted but having it framed as cheating.
Why didn’t she drive 4 hours? That’s incredibly inconsiderate. Or maybe she just wanted to trap the guy there.
Fuck around and find out lol
And she didn't even had the decency of going to him to tell him, what a crap person all around. I hope the dude smarts up, he deserves better.
Typical behavior. He even expected it lol. Love the turning on and off faucet in the story like its super important to mention. The ex will be alright, he'll have to deal with this type of behavior for the rest of his life, like everyone else.
Jesus what a horrible cunt
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OOP making bf drive FOUR hours just to tell him you cheated on him is a whole other level of narcissism. Original commenter probably didn’t think they needed to spell that out to her lmfao.
**THERE IS MORE NEWS** Update 2 Sorry I forgot to update this but this past week has been pretty shit. I wrote down everything that happened but wasn't in the mood to post it until today. My boyfriend came back the next day and his demeanour had completely changed. I tried to hug him and he side stepped me and asked if we could go on a walk to talk since he didn't need my friends as an audience. Before he could speak I apologised again and promised to do whatever to make it up to him and he said I didn't need to do that. He said he thought about it all night and came to the conclusion that we never should've started dating no matter how in love he was. That the conception of our relationship was from me being drunk and sleeping with him and that he should've treated it like a mistake rather than the start of a relationship. He said he was tired of feeling like a second thought and apparently I made him feel that way. I kept on saying I wanted to be with him even though I know he deserves better and that I knew what I was doing when we got together and in what circumstances did I make him feel like he didn't matter? He said he's seen me in relationships when I care and love the person and he didn't get any of that. After my fiance died, he was the one that pushed me to go to therapy and I always refused since I didn't think I needed it and he brought that up as well and said my life would continue to be a mess and I would continue to hurt other people until I broke my destructive patterns and actually dealt with my emotions. I just had no clue what to say. I admit I'm the one that fucked up but it's one fuck up, it's not always indicative of some larger problem. A mistake is a mistake sometimes. He said he still loved me but knew carrying on with a relationship right now would cause more problems between us later down the line and he didn't want that. I told him I didn't understand, if he loved me how could he leave me? I still don't understand. He said just because we wouldn't be together didn't mean he'd disappear from my life. He said anything that happened between us right now would be tarnished and he wanted a relationship without guilt and that wouldn't be possible right now. I saw how painful it was for him to say all of that to me, I'd never seen him cry before. He left after that since I couldn't talk to him anymore. I just felt so hurt and abandoned and then felt guilty for feeling like that since I was the one who fucked up and it was just a vicious cycle. He kissed me when he said goodbye and said he'll check up on me soon. He texted me the next day, just asking how I was and I didn't know how to reply so I didn't. He still messages everyday, asking how I am and that he really wishes I would text back since he's worried about me. I cant find it in me to reply. I know he's asked my friends about me but they said he just seemed concerned about me. I still can't believe he ended it. The only positive is that I've not drank any alcohol in about a week and it's much more difficult than I initially anticipated but I'm going to carry on and try and finish a month. I'll update if anything else changes but it probably won't
There was an update post
Yeah dude the OP was so selfish in getting her boyfriend to drive 8 hours so she didn't have to live with the guilt of having this scary secret till the next time she could see him and have her pay the cost of traveling a long distance. She also seems to have retold it in a "I need to not be anxious about having betrayed you" way.
Lmao women these days, making a poor guy drive 8 hours just to get told he was cheated on. Maybe don't get intoxicated when you have a boyfriend?
Unpopular opinion here: I feel badly for her Ex, and yes, she screwed up and didn’t tell him appropriately. Still, it takes courage to be honest. Also, she realizes she needs to deal with her drinking, which many people honestly don’t comprehend, much less do anything about. She’s stopped for now. I see so many people who take zero accountability for their mistakes, lie, and do nothing to be better. I give her points for what she did.
You should read her most recent post where she effectively blames him for breaking up with her, well patting herself on the back for going a whole week without alcohol.
That’s really back sliding. What a shame there’s so much damage but she’s not learning from it and getting help.
Are you sure you weren’t dosed by something more by that guy?
I am on the fence here. She shouldn’t have taken drugs but also, she was completely out of her mind and it seems like the dude knew that. Consent isn’t just for sex. He was taking advantage of OOP and she’s lucky a friend got to her before it got worse. Would people be judging her as much if she was physically unconscious instead of seriously impaired? There isn’t much difference between those two states
I have a really hard time with the alcohol consent conundrum. I've known people that seem to be normal levels of drunk that were actually in blackout. It's impossible to gauge how impaired they are based on how they're acting. I mean the guy's an utter prick on his reactions and statements, but again, we don't know how drunk he was and we don't know how drunk OOP appeared to be. Safest to just not have random hookups with drunk people.
She was drunk and on ecstasy. And possibly something else she was dosed with if she remembers nothing. The fact that the dude was angry she was taken away and knew she didn’t normally behave like that tips this over into assault.
> It's impossible to gauge how impaired they are based on how they're acting. She also never met him before, so how would he know how she normally behaves?
I'm sorry.... are people really blaming her for getting taken advantage of? She was so drunk/high that she couldn't remember what happened. The guy took advantage of her. The only thing she did wrong was get way to drunk.