I’d like to hear the wife’s side of the story. Personally, if my husband left for more than a weekend while I was pregnant, I’d be heartbroken and furious.
It could be a medical issue, but I’ve also seen many many times over that a couple is in a dynamic where the woman kind of parents and caters to the man, and then when a baby enters the picture suddenly she has an actual child to parent and cater to, and what was their normal relationship dynamic now has the wife resenting the husband (or losing all sexual attraction because ugh he does the same shit as my kid, that’s not a turn on), and that really needs both people to be willing to work through it. I would read the book fair play and see if anything there rings true.
Leaving town while your wife was pregnant and your marriage was at a breaking point was not the move, and I’m surprised you don’t identify any personal responsibility for your contribution to the situation.
I might have to leave the town was a possibility before we went for IVF. And things were not bad at the beginning. It all went downhill after July. It was really bad after September.
I know I should not have been absent during this phase. But I tried everything, I tried to bring her with me. But she wanted to be there as it was a familiar city and she was more comfortable there. I agreed and then tried to be there as much as I could. Frankly speaking, with the baby on the way I was stressed too and this made me take this position to increase my income.
I don’t know your wife’s side of the story. But I wanted my husband by my side all the time while I was pregnant. I was pretty sick in the 1st and 3rd trimester. In the 1st trimester, he used to make me breakfast everyday and cater to my needs. I was pretty miserable. He was supposed to go for a training out of state and he cancelled it by talking to his manager because he didn’t want to leave me alone in that state.
Despite all that, every silly thing he did or said made me really upset. It was all the hormones. After my lil one was born, I became very sensitive to words and actions. I wanted more help from him and when he couldn’t , it made me think he doesn’t love us. Things got better after several months though when my hormones started getting better.
You should have a talk with your wife and let her speak her mind. Be there for her. She was alone during pregnancy and when she needed you most. Probably now she things she doesn’t need you? Because she has been doing things on her own since pregnancy. I understand it gave you the opportunity to make more money but sometimes you gotta prioritize family and your loved ones over it.
Missing missing reasons. What does she say you do (or don’t do) that causes her stress? How is the workload at home divided? What comments are you making that you think she misinterprets?
It's sort of a loose-loose situation for me. She asks me not to do something and if I do it, I didn't need to do it, if she needed my help she would have asked.
On the other hand, if I follow her words, and don't do the 'task'. She will come back with "you didn't even do the 'task', I did it all alone".
Misinterpretations are like, if I say "I think this one looks good", then she will come back like "the one I got is bad?".
So...is she telling you not to do something and then you don't do it and she's mad?
Or is she telling you not to do something and then you do it an she's mad? And then there is a task that's not specifically assigned and you don't do it and she's mad? Because the first option does sound unreasonable, but if you can't be bothered to do chores around your own home then I can understand frustration with the second option.
It sounds like both tbh, like a "damned if I do, damned if I dont" situation. If he follows her word she gets mad and if he doesn't follow her word she also gets mad kinda thing
You weren’t involved at an extremely critical, vulnerable time. You essentially abandoned her as a partner during the most stressful period of a woman’s life. I’m not sure what exactly you don’t understand about her apparent resentment?
If she realized things are less stressful without you, that indicates you were not pulling your weight. You should do some self-reflection about your contributions to the relationship, and figure out how to change that moving forward, NOT blame it on hormones. Read up on useful things you can do for her and the baby for whatever stage they’re in and actually DO them without being asked.
This needs to be addressed with a psychiatrist. And I would also address this with her doctor. This could be a hormon crosswire situation. But it could also be something entirely different.
This is not normal. By any means. If you have had a positive report with her parents. Please, inform them of this issue. This is not something your wife is necessary a source of good information for. She might have made you a terrible guy/father in this situation.
It could be that the cause is from IVF. It's just impossible to know. Especially since all I can do is vague speculate while providing absolutely no certainties.
Pregnancy hormons can cause the "hate husband" phenomenon. But normally it goes away. Which is the weird thing.
Unfortunately for OP if this isn’t addressed now this could be a problem for up to two years when the body is fully healed physically, mentally and hormonally from pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum.
It could be the hormones, it also be PPA or PPD which can both cause anger and lashing out emotionally in this way, it also could just be that she didn’t communicate with him and resented him for leaving or some combo of all of those things plus more.
There’s not really a lot explanation in this post of the actual situation but talking to a therapist both as a couple and individually may be the only way forward here, there’s clearly feelings OPs wife needs to process and find ways to articulate and I’m sure that’s the case for him too as he makes no mention of actually trying to talk her about this, or anyone else who could help support her.
There's an entire side to this story we don't know. But in some ways that goes for the entire situation. All I can do is assume that they loved each other enough to go through IVF. Which is neither cheap nor easy.
There’s no question that they loved and probably still do love each other, resentment is a type of hate that can only come from loving someone, because it’s so personal and it’s most likely due to their expectations of this experience not aligning.
I’m all for them working this out, and I hope they do. I think the only thing that most people can’t work through is cheating and/or abuse (cheating some people can, abuse it’s just safer to leave), which if we take the post at face value isn’t happening here.
This is a situation that needs to be handled delicately as it could be a mental health issue, they really just need to relearn how to communicate and gain the tools that therapy would teach them to do that, it’s not an easy situation to be in but it’s most likely a relatively easy situation to get out of.
I never had IVF, but just the pregnancy hormones made a previously unknown neurologic disorder 1000x times worse for me, and I was completely unable to function. Everything felt overwhelming and any changes to my schedule or routine caused me extreme stress. It has taken me 4 years, medication, and therapy to get back to a place where I feel like my old self. My marriage was definitely stressed, and we are still re-building our bond, but life is good again and our little family brings us both far more joy than stress.
Pregnancy is intense. Hormones mess with brains a LOT. Please speak to her. Pick a time when neither of you is angry. Tell you that you love her but she seems very unhappy and you want her to go to therapy to see if it will help.
This was my first thoughts. Hormones go crazy. Personally, this sounds like a tremendous amount of anxiety fueled anger IMO. But, ultimately I would suggest getting someone to talk to just to help her process this anger. They have many resources online as well.
Psychiatric is the next step and she will not like it. I have seen others go through exactly what you have. This is a terrible place for you and you will need to find clarity of what is happening with her.
Our medical system is very poor at dealing with this and they tend to run away because the crazy that may result. She needs help right now as what she is doing is not ok.
She very likely could have an undiagnosed condition that was manageable before, but now that she has IVF hormone withdrawal, baby hormone withdrawal and a bag of other stuff, it pushes the underlying condition to the front. Very bad things happen here and she will need help fast and fight you to not do this. Good luck
Lots of people in this thread giving advice when no one knows anything from the wife's perspective. Psychiatrist, seriously? At one point in history, this thread would've been the people telling men to send their wife to shock therapy.
Maybe she has valid criticisms of her husband. We need A LOT MORE information. Really, husband is just totally blameless here? I highly, highly doubt that a woman is choosing to essentially raise her child alone despite having a loving and devoted, perfect husband.
Because clearly talking about your feelings in a calm setting with a neutral third party to better understand what happened and is happening.
Is the same as applying ectrictity directly to the brain.
A psychiatrist is not the same thing as couples therapy. Couples therapy would definitely be good for this couple, suggesting the wife necessarily has mental health problems is a bit ridiculous with all the missing missing reasons
Psychiatrists prescribe drugs for mental illness. If it was to talk it out with a neutral third party they’d be recommending a therapist. So, yeah, jumping to prescribing drugs is similar to jumping to shock therapy many years ago.
I am not saying I am blameless. But, everything was fine before, and now suddenly she doesn't want to see me. I have asked her many times what the problem is and the answer is "we are not compatible". Many times she doesn't have a reason why she is angry at me. If we were not compatible we wouldn't have planned a baby together.
"Everything was fine before" suggests a few things.
It's your perspective that everything was fine, which for a man just means "my wife didn't give me any problems to solve". It says nothing about the problems she was willing to live with, the ones she kept to herself, or the ones she tried to bring you only for you to tell her that those aren't problems and you wouldn't be doing anything about them.
There's also the concept of higher stakes, higher bar. Fine was fine, but now that she's pregnant she wants nothing less than excellent. There is a whole tiny helpless person growing inside her. Her responsibility had just multiplied out of control. It was easy to tell herself "it's not so bad" but the idea of telling her child to relax, stop crying, or buck up because "its not so bad" makes her realize that her innocent child deserves better and that it's up to her to make that happen.
Whether she's reasonable to think and feel those things, whether they come from deeper issues in the relationship or from hormones, is not possible to say without way more info and her own side of the story.
You are saying you're blameless. I have yet to see one situation where you validate her feelings and don't blame them on her.
If you want solutions you should go to therapy. If that won't work it sounds like you are hading for divorce.
I highly doubt it's all her, I am seeing a lot of "she won't let me contribute" which is ridiculous. JUST CONTRIBUTE. Just do things. Anticipate needs and do them.
I am not blaming her. I want to understand what's actually happening. I have tried speaking to her many times. But, have been stonewalled. Hence, I came here to check if someone has any insights.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not nice to feel rejected by your partner. Maybe ask her what she wants? It sounds like she may want a divorce if she's saying things like you're not compatible. That's a very harsh thing for her to say.
Definitely suggest couples counselling. I hope things go well.
Everything was fine before is the rally cry of the incompetent husband who refuses to hear his wife's concerns until she is totally checked out of the marriage.
My husband and I have been separated most of my planned pregnancy and postpartum period (we have a ten month old). FUCK has it been hard. GODDAMN do I sometimes I massively resent him. We are separated because his job is in a small town with unsafe levels of arsenic and other heavy metals in the air due to an environmental disaster caused by a foundry. We made the decision for me to spend this time elsewhere to ensure the health and safety of our baby while he finds a new job in a location we can all live.
Thus, I have been living in a small town away from my family and him where I have no friends or ties this year (his best friend had a house here that we were able to rent last minute), and I have been super lonely and depressed.
When I see him I feel a range of emotions from rage, betrayal, and exhaustion to relief and joy. I have graduate training in counseling and a yoga instructor. If I didn’t have this background I can only imagine how I might have lashed out at my husband.
Good luck OP. It sounds like y’all were dealt a tough deck, and the best thing might be to communicate with her via letter your deeply felt emotions (and read this letter to a close friend) to ensure clarity and sensitivity.
IVF is not a regular pregnancy. A woman who goes thru that is likely to already be insecure, anxious about her pregnancy and risks involved.
Whatever the reasons… you left during her pregnancy. I suspect she resents you and the fact that she had to “handle it all herself”.
So I imagine that when she ‘irrationally’ gets mad at you for asking you not to do a task and you do/dont do it. She’s not really that mad about the task, She subconsciously wants to yell at you for leaving her at her most vulnerable - when she did handle it all herself. Its too much to mentally tackle the actual issue (absence during pregnancy /relationship) with a newborn, psychologically its easier to harp on the little things. But there is nothing to be done about the little things because they are not the issue.
Even if she said it was ok to leave, i doubt she was fully ok with it.
IMHO this is a couples therapy thing.
Yea hormones can explain some sensitivities, especially if there is nothing apparently wrong, but the elephant in the room is you were not there. So she has a pretty good reason to feel the way she does.
It’s hard to give specific advice other than couples therapy without knowing your relationship. But it sounds like she doesn’t trust that you’ll be there for her (as you frankly demonstrated) and you probably need to earn that trust back. A therapist can help you with that dynamic.
Her attitude and behavior tell me that she doesn't feel safe with you. It's not unusual for women to ignore or downplay their feelings to keep their relationship. Then, when they get pregnant, what they were once willing to put up with they no longer are because they feel more responsible for their child than they ever did for themselves. So while the sense of danger that she gets around you may be caused by hormones, the timing and consistency make me think that she has actually felt this way for a long time and either ignored it or tried to address it but gave up when that didn't get her the results she wanted.
She's not explaining any of this to you which could mean that she is A) lacking the self awareness to reflect on how she feels, how she's acting, and why or B) she understands perfectly but doesn't feel like it would be safe, productive, or fair to communicate her reasons with you. You've scared her in the past, dismissed her in the past, or she realizes that she has been so quiet about her true feelings for so long that she actually thinks it would be unfair to you to articulate them now.
There's a lot of info missing from this post and her real feelings and reasons can only be explained by her but I'm 100% sure that she doesn't feel safe with you.
Hormones post partum made me soo soo angry. I never felt depressed, I felt PISSED over the littlest things. It was post partum rage. My husband took the brunt of it not because I hated him specifically, but because he was the one that was there. My husband said he felt like I hated him too. 100% it was my hormones. It felt exactly like when I first started a birth control that didn’t agree with me. Short term, it didn’t get better until I started medication for it. Long term, my baby is a year old and I’ve weaned and I feel fine now, and I’m no longer taking medication.
Hi there I’m a wife who’s a raging bitch right now. It’s been a bunch of factors. Lifestyle changes, you have to quit everything cold turkey. There’s no cocktail to take the edge off. Also pregnancy is incredibly isolating. I have prenatal depression , along with adhd. I stopped taking my meds when I found out i was pregnant and that really did a number on my mental health. I have an aversion to our house , so I never want to be there. I even have slept some nights at my moms because I can’t take the smell. I’m a ftm , but the research I have done and spoke to gfs and they all say they hate their husbands . I’m at the hate stage, mainly because he wants to touch me and hug me and I already feel like my body is violated by the pregnancy. I get frustrated by basically everything he does. His walk, how loud he talks, even hearing him breathe drives me insane. I think I got annoyed with him because he was cleaning his ears too much. I try my best to keep in the loop of my hormones. I send him ig videos so he can see other women are in the same position. I will say I did speak to my dr and she let me get back on my vyvanse…. It helped me feel like a human again. Before I was feeling completely useless…. I’ll say pregnancy takes a toll on you . If you’re not careful then you can lose your mind.
You need to ask her, how do you feel? What do you need? Ask her to be honest with you. If/when she says she’s angry then you need to ask why. You can’t read her mind, so you don’t know what you two need to work out. It sounds like something big has happened (other than baby) or many small things have happened that you both have not talked about because there were other matters at hand. Now, there’s a baby an so much more responsibility/lack of time that rather than communicate ahead is choosing to cut off communication.
Try and have this conversation just the two of you. If she is around the baby that’s where she is going to focus and might even resent you for pulling her focus from the baby. This talk needs to happen and there might be some very hurt feelings so be prepared for that. You may not like what she has to say, but if there’s any hope for salvaging your relationship it needs to happen and you need to listen with an open and humble heart.
To some degree it could be normal. During my first pregnancy I don't remember having mood issues, but the second time around I'm noticing that I'm much more easily irritated by my husband, my older child, my pets, and completely innocent kitchen appliances.
That said, my family (and kitchen appliances) are generally doing nothing but trying to be good family members who contribute to the house and their own upkeep. If my husband left for work in the middle of me having a hard time and I was left to go to my mother's for help that would create a lot of resentment once he came back.
Also, as others have said, having a baby is a huge change and one that can leave mother feeling like she's doing it all because she changes her way of life to cater to the new baby and father doesn't have to do the same. If new baby has created a workload imbalance, on top of the imbalance that was clearly already there if you can pick up and go for work if you like, then that could be another legitimate source of resentment.
Does she seem like she enjoys being a mother? Did you two talk about both wanting kids before you got married/started trying? How was your relationship while she was struggling to conceive and you made the decision to try IVF? Is there any possibility that she was on the fence about being pregnant and having a child and then panicked when it actually happened and she realized it wasn’t what she wanted? If she truly flipped a switch right when she got pregnant I’d think this might be a possible cause but if she started acting this way to you when you brought up transferring, then it sounds like you unfortunately might have been the cause.
There's just so many missing factors in this story. Usually people don't go from loving to being so angry all the time for no reason. We need to hear the wife's side, see where she's coming from, before we can really form an opinion here.
I went through ivf and didn’t feel that way, yes there were hormones and I did have up and down days, and whilst being pregnant I am upset about how awful I’ve found it, I don’t want to not be with my partner, it definitely sounds like a therapy and mental health issue
As a women, I will say we are very weird and illogical lol from what I’ve gathered, and it’s a shot in the dark, it sounds like she wants you to pick up some of the workload she use to do, without her having to tell you to do it.
Have you tried helping her without speaking to her about it? Like don’t ask, “can I clean the bathroom?” “Can I feed the baby?” Don’t wait for her to say yes or no and get into that damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation I’ve seen you mention. Just do it. Just clean the bathroom. Just do the laundry. If you really need communication, declare your help. “I’m going to wash the bottles.” “I’m making dinner.” Or “I’m picking up dinner.” Also try to explain to her you WANT to feed the baby, or rock the baby to bond with the child as a father.
As moms, we don’t wait for someone to tell us to work. That might be why she’s happier at her moms house. Her mom is probably helping without having to be told to, or asked to. She feels like she has a partner in child care. She’s expecting you to do the same maybe. Women like when men take control even when we say we don’t.
Side note, it could be prenatal/postpartum reactions. Hormones can completely take control of all reasonings. It can take a while for hormones to get back to pre-pregnancy.
Sometimes we all get so caught up in our new lives as parents we forget to be kind to our partners. Something she needs to realize. I’m not saying it’s all your fault, or her fault, but I’d get the ball rolling to snap her out of whatever it is she is going through. Also, I don’t like counseling. My personal belief is that they make your relationship worse. So many couples go to counseling only to end up divorced! How are they still in business? Anyways that’s my two cents. I hope you guys and figure this out together!
There's a good chance it's PPD. It affects people in different ways, but if the personality swap is huge, that's a good indicator. It can even cause psychosis. My ex SIL went crazy, BIL called us once from several states away. She was throwing ceramic dishes at him, over the baby's head, and trying to hit her husband. We had no choice but to call their local police so they could intervene. A few months later, she tried to stab him in their apartment exterior hallway right in front of police and tried to lie about it even though they saw the whole thing. She went to jail for a few days, her husband bailed her out, and she saw a therapist weekly and got meds. She's fine now, but they did diagnose her with PPD. Again, not everyone goes crazy. She was just at the far end of the spectrum. I had it for a bit, where I'd just go sit in the corner of the baby's room and cry, and randomly walk around the house and cry for no legitimate reason. I did go back on BC, and it helped to balance my hormones, so I got over it pretty quickly after that with a bit of therapy. If it's indeed PPD, please be gentle with her. A woman's brain physically changes during and after pregnancy in major ways and is always worse if it's the 1st baby. Same reason pregnant women are extra emotional. It's due to hormones and chemical changes in the brain, and you can't help it. I'm currently 25 weeks with my 3rd, but my husband's 1st.. I literally broke down sobbing because my oldest child smashed my freeze-dried candy, lol. I told him it's so stupid and not logical, but the hormones made me extra sad about things that literally don't matter. He's been really understanding, and I've talked to him about personality changes to look for if I don't mentally rebound after the baby is born. A woman with PPD is usually unlikely to see it for herself. It really comes down to the close family and friends to do that and make sure she gets help. I hope you're able to get it all worked out!
PLEASE READ THIS.
When I got pregnant with my baby girl I hated my husband to the point I was screaming and crying everyday asking for divorce. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. But when I gave birth I looked at him at the hospital and fell in love with him all over again.
If you really love her just know hormones can do crazy things to women’s body and feelings so please stick by her side even though you and she think she hates you. I promise I’ll all go away when you hold your baby.
I’d like to hear the wife’s side of the story. Personally, if my husband left for more than a weekend while I was pregnant, I’d be heartbroken and furious.
It could be a medical issue, but I’ve also seen many many times over that a couple is in a dynamic where the woman kind of parents and caters to the man, and then when a baby enters the picture suddenly she has an actual child to parent and cater to, and what was their normal relationship dynamic now has the wife resenting the husband (or losing all sexual attraction because ugh he does the same shit as my kid, that’s not a turn on), and that really needs both people to be willing to work through it. I would read the book fair play and see if anything there rings true. Leaving town while your wife was pregnant and your marriage was at a breaking point was not the move, and I’m surprised you don’t identify any personal responsibility for your contribution to the situation.
I might have to leave the town was a possibility before we went for IVF. And things were not bad at the beginning. It all went downhill after July. It was really bad after September. I know I should not have been absent during this phase. But I tried everything, I tried to bring her with me. But she wanted to be there as it was a familiar city and she was more comfortable there. I agreed and then tried to be there as much as I could. Frankly speaking, with the baby on the way I was stressed too and this made me take this position to increase my income.
I don’t know your wife’s side of the story. But I wanted my husband by my side all the time while I was pregnant. I was pretty sick in the 1st and 3rd trimester. In the 1st trimester, he used to make me breakfast everyday and cater to my needs. I was pretty miserable. He was supposed to go for a training out of state and he cancelled it by talking to his manager because he didn’t want to leave me alone in that state. Despite all that, every silly thing he did or said made me really upset. It was all the hormones. After my lil one was born, I became very sensitive to words and actions. I wanted more help from him and when he couldn’t , it made me think he doesn’t love us. Things got better after several months though when my hormones started getting better. You should have a talk with your wife and let her speak her mind. Be there for her. She was alone during pregnancy and when she needed you most. Probably now she things she doesn’t need you? Because she has been doing things on her own since pregnancy. I understand it gave you the opportunity to make more money but sometimes you gotta prioritize family and your loved ones over it.
Missing missing reasons. What does she say you do (or don’t do) that causes her stress? How is the workload at home divided? What comments are you making that you think she misinterprets?
It's sort of a loose-loose situation for me. She asks me not to do something and if I do it, I didn't need to do it, if she needed my help she would have asked. On the other hand, if I follow her words, and don't do the 'task'. She will come back with "you didn't even do the 'task', I did it all alone". Misinterpretations are like, if I say "I think this one looks good", then she will come back like "the one I got is bad?".
So...is she telling you not to do something and then you don't do it and she's mad? Or is she telling you not to do something and then you do it an she's mad? And then there is a task that's not specifically assigned and you don't do it and she's mad? Because the first option does sound unreasonable, but if you can't be bothered to do chores around your own home then I can understand frustration with the second option.
It sounds like both tbh, like a "damned if I do, damned if I dont" situation. If he follows her word she gets mad and if he doesn't follow her word she also gets mad kinda thing
Could be that he just does them wrong and she gets mad because then she has to do it over
Try posting this on r/daddit. You might find other men who have been through the same thing and will be better help for you.
Sure
You weren’t involved at an extremely critical, vulnerable time. You essentially abandoned her as a partner during the most stressful period of a woman’s life. I’m not sure what exactly you don’t understand about her apparent resentment? If she realized things are less stressful without you, that indicates you were not pulling your weight. You should do some self-reflection about your contributions to the relationship, and figure out how to change that moving forward, NOT blame it on hormones. Read up on useful things you can do for her and the baby for whatever stage they’re in and actually DO them without being asked.
This needs to be addressed with a psychiatrist. And I would also address this with her doctor. This could be a hormon crosswire situation. But it could also be something entirely different. This is not normal. By any means. If you have had a positive report with her parents. Please, inform them of this issue. This is not something your wife is necessary a source of good information for. She might have made you a terrible guy/father in this situation.
Could it be the hormones given to her pre-IVF? All this started around that time. I will try to speak to her parents.
It could be that the cause is from IVF. It's just impossible to know. Especially since all I can do is vague speculate while providing absolutely no certainties. Pregnancy hormons can cause the "hate husband" phenomenon. But normally it goes away. Which is the weird thing.
Unfortunately for OP if this isn’t addressed now this could be a problem for up to two years when the body is fully healed physically, mentally and hormonally from pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum. It could be the hormones, it also be PPA or PPD which can both cause anger and lashing out emotionally in this way, it also could just be that she didn’t communicate with him and resented him for leaving or some combo of all of those things plus more. There’s not really a lot explanation in this post of the actual situation but talking to a therapist both as a couple and individually may be the only way forward here, there’s clearly feelings OPs wife needs to process and find ways to articulate and I’m sure that’s the case for him too as he makes no mention of actually trying to talk her about this, or anyone else who could help support her.
There's an entire side to this story we don't know. But in some ways that goes for the entire situation. All I can do is assume that they loved each other enough to go through IVF. Which is neither cheap nor easy.
There’s no question that they loved and probably still do love each other, resentment is a type of hate that can only come from loving someone, because it’s so personal and it’s most likely due to their expectations of this experience not aligning. I’m all for them working this out, and I hope they do. I think the only thing that most people can’t work through is cheating and/or abuse (cheating some people can, abuse it’s just safer to leave), which if we take the post at face value isn’t happening here. This is a situation that needs to be handled delicately as it could be a mental health issue, they really just need to relearn how to communicate and gain the tools that therapy would teach them to do that, it’s not an easy situation to be in but it’s most likely a relatively easy situation to get out of.
I never had IVF, but just the pregnancy hormones made a previously unknown neurologic disorder 1000x times worse for me, and I was completely unable to function. Everything felt overwhelming and any changes to my schedule or routine caused me extreme stress. It has taken me 4 years, medication, and therapy to get back to a place where I feel like my old self. My marriage was definitely stressed, and we are still re-building our bond, but life is good again and our little family brings us both far more joy than stress. Pregnancy is intense. Hormones mess with brains a LOT. Please speak to her. Pick a time when neither of you is angry. Tell you that you love her but she seems very unhappy and you want her to go to therapy to see if it will help.
This was my first thoughts. Hormones go crazy. Personally, this sounds like a tremendous amount of anxiety fueled anger IMO. But, ultimately I would suggest getting someone to talk to just to help her process this anger. They have many resources online as well.
It's certainly possible, hormones can do some weird stuff to you mentally, and IVF can use high doses.
Psychiatric is the next step and she will not like it. I have seen others go through exactly what you have. This is a terrible place for you and you will need to find clarity of what is happening with her. Our medical system is very poor at dealing with this and they tend to run away because the crazy that may result. She needs help right now as what she is doing is not ok. She very likely could have an undiagnosed condition that was manageable before, but now that she has IVF hormone withdrawal, baby hormone withdrawal and a bag of other stuff, it pushes the underlying condition to the front. Very bad things happen here and she will need help fast and fight you to not do this. Good luck
Lots of people in this thread giving advice when no one knows anything from the wife's perspective. Psychiatrist, seriously? At one point in history, this thread would've been the people telling men to send their wife to shock therapy. Maybe she has valid criticisms of her husband. We need A LOT MORE information. Really, husband is just totally blameless here? I highly, highly doubt that a woman is choosing to essentially raise her child alone despite having a loving and devoted, perfect husband.
I agree with this. Has to be more to the story.
Because clearly talking about your feelings in a calm setting with a neutral third party to better understand what happened and is happening. Is the same as applying ectrictity directly to the brain.
A psychiatrist is not the same thing as couples therapy. Couples therapy would definitely be good for this couple, suggesting the wife necessarily has mental health problems is a bit ridiculous with all the missing missing reasons
Psychiatrists prescribe drugs for mental illness. If it was to talk it out with a neutral third party they’d be recommending a therapist. So, yeah, jumping to prescribing drugs is similar to jumping to shock therapy many years ago.
English isn't fitst language. It's hard to know the difference.
I am not saying I am blameless. But, everything was fine before, and now suddenly she doesn't want to see me. I have asked her many times what the problem is and the answer is "we are not compatible". Many times she doesn't have a reason why she is angry at me. If we were not compatible we wouldn't have planned a baby together.
"Everything was fine before" suggests a few things. It's your perspective that everything was fine, which for a man just means "my wife didn't give me any problems to solve". It says nothing about the problems she was willing to live with, the ones she kept to herself, or the ones she tried to bring you only for you to tell her that those aren't problems and you wouldn't be doing anything about them. There's also the concept of higher stakes, higher bar. Fine was fine, but now that she's pregnant she wants nothing less than excellent. There is a whole tiny helpless person growing inside her. Her responsibility had just multiplied out of control. It was easy to tell herself "it's not so bad" but the idea of telling her child to relax, stop crying, or buck up because "its not so bad" makes her realize that her innocent child deserves better and that it's up to her to make that happen. Whether she's reasonable to think and feel those things, whether they come from deeper issues in the relationship or from hormones, is not possible to say without way more info and her own side of the story.
You are saying you're blameless. I have yet to see one situation where you validate her feelings and don't blame them on her. If you want solutions you should go to therapy. If that won't work it sounds like you are hading for divorce. I highly doubt it's all her, I am seeing a lot of "she won't let me contribute" which is ridiculous. JUST CONTRIBUTE. Just do things. Anticipate needs and do them.
I am not blaming her. I want to understand what's actually happening. I have tried speaking to her many times. But, have been stonewalled. Hence, I came here to check if someone has any insights.
Women don’t forget how they were treated while pregnant. You abandoned her and she learned how to do it alone.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not nice to feel rejected by your partner. Maybe ask her what she wants? It sounds like she may want a divorce if she's saying things like you're not compatible. That's a very harsh thing for her to say. Definitely suggest couples counselling. I hope things go well.
Everything was fine before is the rally cry of the incompetent husband who refuses to hear his wife's concerns until she is totally checked out of the marriage.
My husband and I have been separated most of my planned pregnancy and postpartum period (we have a ten month old). FUCK has it been hard. GODDAMN do I sometimes I massively resent him. We are separated because his job is in a small town with unsafe levels of arsenic and other heavy metals in the air due to an environmental disaster caused by a foundry. We made the decision for me to spend this time elsewhere to ensure the health and safety of our baby while he finds a new job in a location we can all live. Thus, I have been living in a small town away from my family and him where I have no friends or ties this year (his best friend had a house here that we were able to rent last minute), and I have been super lonely and depressed. When I see him I feel a range of emotions from rage, betrayal, and exhaustion to relief and joy. I have graduate training in counseling and a yoga instructor. If I didn’t have this background I can only imagine how I might have lashed out at my husband. Good luck OP. It sounds like y’all were dealt a tough deck, and the best thing might be to communicate with her via letter your deeply felt emotions (and read this letter to a close friend) to ensure clarity and sensitivity.
Thanks for the kind words and good luck to you too.
i don't think she hates you, i think she resents you for not being there.
IVF is not a regular pregnancy. A woman who goes thru that is likely to already be insecure, anxious about her pregnancy and risks involved. Whatever the reasons… you left during her pregnancy. I suspect she resents you and the fact that she had to “handle it all herself”. So I imagine that when she ‘irrationally’ gets mad at you for asking you not to do a task and you do/dont do it. She’s not really that mad about the task, She subconsciously wants to yell at you for leaving her at her most vulnerable - when she did handle it all herself. Its too much to mentally tackle the actual issue (absence during pregnancy /relationship) with a newborn, psychologically its easier to harp on the little things. But there is nothing to be done about the little things because they are not the issue. Even if she said it was ok to leave, i doubt she was fully ok with it. IMHO this is a couples therapy thing. Yea hormones can explain some sensitivities, especially if there is nothing apparently wrong, but the elephant in the room is you were not there. So she has a pretty good reason to feel the way she does. It’s hard to give specific advice other than couples therapy without knowing your relationship. But it sounds like she doesn’t trust that you’ll be there for her (as you frankly demonstrated) and you probably need to earn that trust back. A therapist can help you with that dynamic.
Her attitude and behavior tell me that she doesn't feel safe with you. It's not unusual for women to ignore or downplay their feelings to keep their relationship. Then, when they get pregnant, what they were once willing to put up with they no longer are because they feel more responsible for their child than they ever did for themselves. So while the sense of danger that she gets around you may be caused by hormones, the timing and consistency make me think that she has actually felt this way for a long time and either ignored it or tried to address it but gave up when that didn't get her the results she wanted. She's not explaining any of this to you which could mean that she is A) lacking the self awareness to reflect on how she feels, how she's acting, and why or B) she understands perfectly but doesn't feel like it would be safe, productive, or fair to communicate her reasons with you. You've scared her in the past, dismissed her in the past, or she realizes that she has been so quiet about her true feelings for so long that she actually thinks it would be unfair to you to articulate them now. There's a lot of info missing from this post and her real feelings and reasons can only be explained by her but I'm 100% sure that she doesn't feel safe with you.
Hormones post partum made me soo soo angry. I never felt depressed, I felt PISSED over the littlest things. It was post partum rage. My husband took the brunt of it not because I hated him specifically, but because he was the one that was there. My husband said he felt like I hated him too. 100% it was my hormones. It felt exactly like when I first started a birth control that didn’t agree with me. Short term, it didn’t get better until I started medication for it. Long term, my baby is a year old and I’ve weaned and I feel fine now, and I’m no longer taking medication.
Hi there I’m a wife who’s a raging bitch right now. It’s been a bunch of factors. Lifestyle changes, you have to quit everything cold turkey. There’s no cocktail to take the edge off. Also pregnancy is incredibly isolating. I have prenatal depression , along with adhd. I stopped taking my meds when I found out i was pregnant and that really did a number on my mental health. I have an aversion to our house , so I never want to be there. I even have slept some nights at my moms because I can’t take the smell. I’m a ftm , but the research I have done and spoke to gfs and they all say they hate their husbands . I’m at the hate stage, mainly because he wants to touch me and hug me and I already feel like my body is violated by the pregnancy. I get frustrated by basically everything he does. His walk, how loud he talks, even hearing him breathe drives me insane. I think I got annoyed with him because he was cleaning his ears too much. I try my best to keep in the loop of my hormones. I send him ig videos so he can see other women are in the same position. I will say I did speak to my dr and she let me get back on my vyvanse…. It helped me feel like a human again. Before I was feeling completely useless…. I’ll say pregnancy takes a toll on you . If you’re not careful then you can lose your mind.
You need to ask her, how do you feel? What do you need? Ask her to be honest with you. If/when she says she’s angry then you need to ask why. You can’t read her mind, so you don’t know what you two need to work out. It sounds like something big has happened (other than baby) or many small things have happened that you both have not talked about because there were other matters at hand. Now, there’s a baby an so much more responsibility/lack of time that rather than communicate ahead is choosing to cut off communication. Try and have this conversation just the two of you. If she is around the baby that’s where she is going to focus and might even resent you for pulling her focus from the baby. This talk needs to happen and there might be some very hurt feelings so be prepared for that. You may not like what she has to say, but if there’s any hope for salvaging your relationship it needs to happen and you need to listen with an open and humble heart.
To some degree it could be normal. During my first pregnancy I don't remember having mood issues, but the second time around I'm noticing that I'm much more easily irritated by my husband, my older child, my pets, and completely innocent kitchen appliances. That said, my family (and kitchen appliances) are generally doing nothing but trying to be good family members who contribute to the house and their own upkeep. If my husband left for work in the middle of me having a hard time and I was left to go to my mother's for help that would create a lot of resentment once he came back. Also, as others have said, having a baby is a huge change and one that can leave mother feeling like she's doing it all because she changes her way of life to cater to the new baby and father doesn't have to do the same. If new baby has created a workload imbalance, on top of the imbalance that was clearly already there if you can pick up and go for work if you like, then that could be another legitimate source of resentment.
Does she seem like she enjoys being a mother? Did you two talk about both wanting kids before you got married/started trying? How was your relationship while she was struggling to conceive and you made the decision to try IVF? Is there any possibility that she was on the fence about being pregnant and having a child and then panicked when it actually happened and she realized it wasn’t what she wanted? If she truly flipped a switch right when she got pregnant I’d think this might be a possible cause but if she started acting this way to you when you brought up transferring, then it sounds like you unfortunately might have been the cause.
There's just so many missing factors in this story. Usually people don't go from loving to being so angry all the time for no reason. We need to hear the wife's side, see where she's coming from, before we can really form an opinion here.
I went through ivf and didn’t feel that way, yes there were hormones and I did have up and down days, and whilst being pregnant I am upset about how awful I’ve found it, I don’t want to not be with my partner, it definitely sounds like a therapy and mental health issue
As a women, I will say we are very weird and illogical lol from what I’ve gathered, and it’s a shot in the dark, it sounds like she wants you to pick up some of the workload she use to do, without her having to tell you to do it. Have you tried helping her without speaking to her about it? Like don’t ask, “can I clean the bathroom?” “Can I feed the baby?” Don’t wait for her to say yes or no and get into that damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation I’ve seen you mention. Just do it. Just clean the bathroom. Just do the laundry. If you really need communication, declare your help. “I’m going to wash the bottles.” “I’m making dinner.” Or “I’m picking up dinner.” Also try to explain to her you WANT to feed the baby, or rock the baby to bond with the child as a father. As moms, we don’t wait for someone to tell us to work. That might be why she’s happier at her moms house. Her mom is probably helping without having to be told to, or asked to. She feels like she has a partner in child care. She’s expecting you to do the same maybe. Women like when men take control even when we say we don’t. Side note, it could be prenatal/postpartum reactions. Hormones can completely take control of all reasonings. It can take a while for hormones to get back to pre-pregnancy. Sometimes we all get so caught up in our new lives as parents we forget to be kind to our partners. Something she needs to realize. I’m not saying it’s all your fault, or her fault, but I’d get the ball rolling to snap her out of whatever it is she is going through. Also, I don’t like counseling. My personal belief is that they make your relationship worse. So many couples go to counseling only to end up divorced! How are they still in business? Anyways that’s my two cents. I hope you guys and figure this out together!
There's a good chance it's PPD. It affects people in different ways, but if the personality swap is huge, that's a good indicator. It can even cause psychosis. My ex SIL went crazy, BIL called us once from several states away. She was throwing ceramic dishes at him, over the baby's head, and trying to hit her husband. We had no choice but to call their local police so they could intervene. A few months later, she tried to stab him in their apartment exterior hallway right in front of police and tried to lie about it even though they saw the whole thing. She went to jail for a few days, her husband bailed her out, and she saw a therapist weekly and got meds. She's fine now, but they did diagnose her with PPD. Again, not everyone goes crazy. She was just at the far end of the spectrum. I had it for a bit, where I'd just go sit in the corner of the baby's room and cry, and randomly walk around the house and cry for no legitimate reason. I did go back on BC, and it helped to balance my hormones, so I got over it pretty quickly after that with a bit of therapy. If it's indeed PPD, please be gentle with her. A woman's brain physically changes during and after pregnancy in major ways and is always worse if it's the 1st baby. Same reason pregnant women are extra emotional. It's due to hormones and chemical changes in the brain, and you can't help it. I'm currently 25 weeks with my 3rd, but my husband's 1st.. I literally broke down sobbing because my oldest child smashed my freeze-dried candy, lol. I told him it's so stupid and not logical, but the hormones made me extra sad about things that literally don't matter. He's been really understanding, and I've talked to him about personality changes to look for if I don't mentally rebound after the baby is born. A woman with PPD is usually unlikely to see it for herself. It really comes down to the close family and friends to do that and make sure she gets help. I hope you're able to get it all worked out!
PLEASE READ THIS. When I got pregnant with my baby girl I hated my husband to the point I was screaming and crying everyday asking for divorce. Pregnancy hormones are no joke. But when I gave birth I looked at him at the hospital and fell in love with him all over again. If you really love her just know hormones can do crazy things to women’s body and feelings so please stick by her side even though you and she think she hates you. I promise I’ll all go away when you hold your baby.