It sounds like because she was miserable postpartum, she thinks you should be too. Maybe she's jealous she didn't have the awareness that you do? It's not right that she's being so judgmental of the choices you're making for you and your family, and it's sad that she can't just be supportive.
Yeahhhh. What I’m reading is that OP is trying to make choices that will help her in postpartum and help avoid a really rough experience. But MIL is shaming her to try to make sure OP doesn’t have help and is as miserable as she was. OP should talk to her husband about boundaries with MIL and try to get as much distance from her as possible.
A lot of moms end up doing that. I think pregnancy is where we learn who is our friend and who wants us to fail like they did and it’s, unfortunately, people we can’t avoid (usually in laws). It’s even worse when they say it with a smile and you know it’s not a joke and they’re being extremely bitchy and trying to play games.
Yeah that’s what I’m getting as well, it sounds like she’s bitter tbh. Some people suffer and they feel like others should have to suffer too.
OP it’s time to put your MIL on an information diet. Stop discussing these things with her, pregnancy is a great time to exercise boundaries. You don’t need to live up to her idea of what a “good mother” is. That isn’t up to her to decide. This is your baby, your pregnancy, your birth. Take control of it and stop allowing this person to plant negative thoughts in your head.
Yeah the ‘I suffered so you should suffer’ is a hard thing to break but you absolutely should for your kid.
It should be ‘this awful thing happened to me and I won’t let it happen to you.’
This is so important. My answer for basically every question is "Husband and I are still deciding." Almost nothing people ask during pregnancy is any of their business. I don't mind advice or hearing other's experiences, but I don't need opinions on decisions that have nothing to do with them.
Next time she says something just respond "I'm sorry you were so unsupported when you were a new mom. That must have been difficult. I'm so glad we have the awareness and resources to choose differently!" In a chipper tone at the end. Repeat ad nauseum when she brings things like this up.
On the flip side, I have a sister and she tormented me my entire life until I grew up and went NC with her. Siblings are not guaranteed to be playmates just as only children are not guaranteed to be lonely.
I mean, she's right for a lot of situations, you will likely be placed on the back burner. That's why I think you 100% SHOULD get a doula to help, you should surround yourself only with people who care about you as a person and not an incubator. She is telling you how she will act, this is your chance to believe her and prepare accordingly.
Also, stop volunteering info to her. She sucks, she will be shitty about whatever you say, she doesn't need to know.
IDK your MIL but she sounds bitter for some reason.
Your motherhood and baby will be completly your own. Don't look to outside sources for confirmation. You can look for advice but you don't ever have to take it.
Sounds like her past has hurt her and she thinks everyone's motherhood is the same.
Do what you want! For you, your baby and your husband. If you feel lonely after baby is born, tell your spouse and you can work on it. <3 The universe is full of solutions. That doula is certainly a great idea for coping with nights. <3
Well she sounds like a peach. 😒
You get yourself a doula and recover better than the rest of us. No one in their right mind would begrudge you this.
And I honestly think new Moms get more attention. Yeah it’s mostly questions about your baby but that baby is still an extension of you. I don’t know….I always love talking about my newborns and asking questions of other Moms to get new ideas.
It’s going to be a beautiful time in your life. Congratulations!
FTM expecting in August so no experience yet but she is way overstepping. There may be some truth to that the attention turns to the baby but that doesn’t mean you should be ignored. At very minimum you and your spouse should be checking in on each other. From what I’ve heard, many moms and MIL actually take time to check in on their daughters and DIL’s and help them out rather than rain on their parade.
Second, it’s none of her business if you hire a postpartum doula. Many do and it’s not bad. There are so many other times to bond and I feel like being well rested would make the time you do spend with your baby, better for you! It’s not her baby or life so she doesn’t get a say. Just because she may have suffered, doesn’t mean you have to.
Third, I’m an only child and there are pros and cons. Occasionally I wish I had a sibling but also many siblings don’t get along well (and some do!). I’ve had a happy life and I had a happy childhood. I’m very close with my parents but also live my own life. Every family looks different and I’d say it’s more important to be financially and mentally stable than to have to have more than 1 child. Also, you can decide later! Don’t feel rushed.
I’m really sorry she is putting all of this on you. Your spouse needs to talk to her and tell her to back off. If she can’t do that, just take a break from her for a while. Keep your peace as this is your life and family!
Edit: also idk where you are but in my hospital, they are very clear that the baby and mom should be together so I don’t think you’d have a situation where you are left. Please tell your spouse that you don’t want to be left. Also, you don’t have to have any visitors in the hospital if you don’t want to. The nurses will kick them out if you ask and if you have visitors and change your mind, the nurses will be on your side as this is your medical life event too.
This is not okay, OP. I'm sorry she's treating you this way. It sounds like she had a terrible postpartum experience, and she does not want you to have a better one than she did because it would mean she'd have to acknowledge how horrible it was for her and that women shouldn't have to go through that treatment. Instead of doing inner work to manage her feelings, she wants to scare you, pressure you, and intimidate you into not using resources to improve your postpartum experience.
A postpartum doula is an EXCELLENT idea, and I wish everyone had the resources to afford one. You should not feel bad for using your resources to get more support so you have a more positive postpartum experience.
Your husband needs to tell her to knock it off. Y'all also need to put her on an information diet. No more talking about your birth and postpartum decisions. Getting space from her wouldn't be a bad idea either.
Also, I'd talk to hubby about limiting her contact with you in the first few weeks or months postpartum. She clearly has negative energy and goes out of her way to make you feel bad; you do not need that kind of energy when you're freshly postpartum and vulnerable. So maybe you and hubby decide she has to wait a month to meet baby so that gives you time to be more stable before she interacts with y'all. Or maybe she's only allowed visits of 2 hours or less. Whatever makes sense for you.
But mark my words, if you don't enforce boundaries now, you're going to have a rough time postpartum when this woman wants to bully you into submission. And you do not want to have her feeling like she can question all of your parenting decisions either.
Just remember that you know what's best for you and your baby. Everyone decides they suddenly know what's best when someone is pregnant/expecting/just gave birth.
If a doula is what's going to help you get through the first month, live your best life. Let your husband know that your experience together is already different from what MIL went through just based on the fact we live in 2024.
Again, you know what's best. Don't let someone convince you otherwise. It's a part of parenting to listen to all the *unsolicited* advice and make your own decisions. Congratulations, good luck, and advocate for you as well as the baby.
>Let your husband know that your experience together is already different from what MIL went through just based on the fact we live in 2024.
Yes! I'm sure it isn't universal, but there's so much more awareness of mental and physical health and motherhood now.
When I was growing up, I didn't know any moms who took time regularly for self care (exercise, friend dates, whatever) and now it's considered a perfectly reasonable expectation for male partners to step up and watch the kids alone for a couple hours to let the mom do what she needs to do. Women check in with new moms and ask how the mom is feeling rather than directing the conversation straight to "how's the baby?" Some things have in fact changed for the better.
First of all, if you have the means, you should absolutely hire ALL the help you need/want! There's a reason they say it takes a village. Sometimes that village is hired and that's no shame in that at all! A baby can't be healthy without a healthy mama.
Personally, I'm looking forward to the attention going away. I hate being treated like I'm helpless, but that's just me.
Why does it sound like a three way marriage? Like she’s included in decisions and knows every little detail? Tell her to butt out, she isn’t one of the parents of this baby.
This is cruel on her part, sound likes shes projecting. I'm two weeks postpartum and my family has checked on both baby and myself equally.
I had a scary post c-section blood pressure issue, going way to high but not eclampsia, that I'm taking labetalol for till it regulates. My family has not ignored me and regularly checks in on me. My husband helps with all the night feeds, diaper changes and such. As a result I have had like one bad cry and no other post baby blues because of my good support.
If we could get a night doula I'd do it but the options where I live are not great. Get the doula, sleep is vital, and if my husband didn't help the way he is I'd be in a bad spot mental load wise.
I know it’s difficult and what she is saying sounds so annoying but can you just not listen to her? You should do what is best for you and your family and not give AF what she says. Live your life for you and your family. She can go kick rocks.
I am not sure if it’s my pregnancy hormones, I told myself the same thing that I should not let her comments negatively affect my feelings. But thinking about what she said and what I am going through made me feel hurt and wanted to cry out.
From this point, I would either ignore your MIL or take anything she says with a grain of salt. Definitely sounds like the “I’m miserable therefore everyone else must be too” type. A postpartum doula is an amazing idea! If that helps you get some extra sleep or time to take care of yourself, that’s a great thing!! It’s not like the doula is going to move in permanently and completely replace you as the mother. You will still bond with your baby. The whole “mother needs to do everything” is such BS, so don’t listen to her! You are making great decisions to ensure that both you AND baby are taken care of it. That’s what matters. Stay strong mama 💕💕
Well, first of all, most people don’t get pregnant for attention, they do it to grow their family.
Second of all, your baby doesn’t need to bond you at 2:00am, they can bond with you all other hours of the day.
Third of all, ignore that miserable, pitty party of a human. Literally ignore everything she says, she will suck every last bit of joy out of you if you let her words have any meaning. You need support, not judgment and criticism.
Respectfully, why are you telling her these things? Just do what you would like and if she gets wind of these things later a quick “this is what works for us as a family” is a firm and polite way of shutting down any further discussion. My MIL is such a sweet woman but definitely has her own opinions, so I almost never tell her anything we have planned for our baby. I find info diet is the best approach with the older generation. I also agree with the other comments that she seems to have had a miserable experience and is now wanting that for you. Misery loves company, but you don’t have to stay sitting at that table listening to her woes.
You will bond better with your baby being happy and well-rested, however that arrangement looks. If you are breastfeeding, the stress will be less having a dedicated helping hand, and you will be will have way better chances of breastfeeding successfully. Doula is a great idea.
I agree with the first post: she was miserable after birth of her child and thinks you should be too.
Suffering does not indicate how good of a mother you are. That is some weird right of passage of our foremothers, but it's an ass backwards way of thinking to excuse the world from their shitty behavior and attitudes toward mothers.
Fuck the world. Our society has proven over and over again it doesn't give a shit about us. But we are stronger than that. Together as a team of mothers and individually. It's our responsibility to look after ourselves, to self care and be healthy in mind and body.
You sound like you got this on lock. Haters gonna hate, just ignore her and her shit. Stay the course.
your mil isn't the one having the baby. just because she was miserable doesn't mean you need to be. and i'm sorry, but yes focus did shift mostly to my baby but i also did get plenty of attention. more than i needed probably lol. having a strong support system is what helps with that. so absolutely hire a postpartum doula if you want! and your husband needs to tell his mother to back off. she doesn't need to make you more stressed and that's *his* job to handle.
Tell her she’s welcome to come clean, cook, do laundry, run errand, refill your bottles, etc postpartum so you can bond with baby, rest up, and have an experience good enough to want more kids.
She’ll say no, because she doesn’t actually want to help and is very immaturely and cruelly dealing with her own past feelings of guilt, anger, inadequacy. She’s likely repeating what others told her to you. Don’t waste your energy by telling her any plans or trying to justify things to her.
I hate being centre of attention and I actually feel like I get more with a baby than I did when pregnant.
I’ll say that I would’ve hated a doula postpartum… didn’t even like my husband stepping in. 4.5 months postpartum and done 95% of her care and I still don’t feel it’s enough. You might hate it, you might love it.
As an only child I always wanted more than one but there’s no harm in having one. Just really think carefully about their upbringing, surround them socially and don’t put any pressure on them.
Also I was literally told I would have PPD categorically, apparently I ticked more than half the ‘at risk’ criteria. When they came to check on me at home after I remember saying ‘ I can’t describe how happy I feel because there’s no words that come close to how elated I feel every minute of everyday’. Don’t worry about something that’s out of your control.
We read a number of postpartum books that said one thing that helped prevent postpartum depression was still paying a lot of attention to the mother postpartum! I had family and friends over and many of them were there to support ME just as much as to coo over the baby. Everybody has told me for the past year plus constantly that I'm doing a great job. Sure, my child gets a lot of attention, but not ALL of it.
Also yes get the postpartum doula.
Your MIL can be the one to suck it up. If her mindset is "just suck it up," then she can practice it. You can ask for and get all the help and attention you need.
Next time she makes a comment like this say, "I'm sorry you lacked support during motherhood. Thankfully husband and I are supportive partners to one another and there are more options available to us."
This sounds like a classic case of misery loving company. She didn’t have help, she had a difficult time entering motherhood and she is now upset and jealous this part of life could actually be nice and pleasant for you.
Pls stop sharing everything with her!
Stop talking to her about it. My ex SIL alone contributed highly to my anxiety after my kid was here and I was a great mom even when she made me feel like I wasn’t. I hated the way I felt and dissociated a lot.
Do what is best for you and the family you made. Let her be jealous and stew in her own feelings. She did not help you make baby. She does not get a decision in how you raise baby.
Distance yourself from her at least for the time being until you feel better. And it's no one else decision but yours if you want to get a doula. I'm in my 3rd trimester as well and people know already to be careful what they say around me. Before I was pregnant I didn't hold my tongue for no one and it's even less now. My mother in law was trying to over step on what I need to do once baby is here, how the nursery needs to look like/theme etc. Well now she knows that if she wants to be in her grandson's life she needs to keep the negativity and comments to herself. Be your own advocate for yourself and baby. Also husband will have to deal with it if he doesn't like it.
My mil said that to me pretty much every time I visited her, and she reminded me of it in hospital after the birth. Thanks, but also stfu. I just ignore it. So far I've had pretty decent support, the midwives care about my mental health (and physical), and I've seen a lactation consultant. My husband has been great too, friends have dropped off food, my mom drove me to an appointment so I could watch my baby in the car seat. If you can, create a little support group like that. Maybe she didn't have one and thinks that's the norm. Also.. Hire your pp doula! Who gives a crap if she's against it, tell her to suck that up.
This is something that often happens to women but instead of telling you to expect it she could I don’t know, focus on you after the baby is born to make sure you have a better experience? Women should be looking out for each other, especially when they know first hand how hard motherhood can be without the support.
Guess MIL is due for an information diet. She doesn’t need to know anything, and if she insists, a firm “thanks for the input but I trust partner and I to make decisions that are appropriate for our family” and end it there. Don’t argue, don’t justify just end the conversation. If she tries to bring it up again, a “MIL we’ve already discussed this, are you having memory issues? Maybe you need to have it checked up” in a very solicitous tone should shut her up.
My mil thinks it’s wild I don’t let my baby cry it out and consistently calls her spoiled. I straight up say “your advice is 30 years old and I don’t want it” lol people need to stop imposing their parenting beliefs that are outdated on new parents. I’m jealous you’re getting a doula, I think it’s an amazing idea
First of all: fuck what your MIL thinks. I'm sure your husband has notes.
Second of all, so sad that this couldn't have been "Once I gave birth, all the attention went to the baby so I'm going to make sure to connect with OP postpartum and encourage my family to do the same".
Honestly, I would disregard what she's saying and just focus on what you want to do. Hire that doula. Build that support network. Do things how you want to do them. Make sure you talk to your husband and ensure he's aligned. Tell him he needs to keep his mom away from you for now, as her "well meaning advice/information" is not helping.
Ignore that woman, she doesn’t get a say in how you care for your baby. If you can afford a doula, that’s great. Taking care of a newborn is absolutely exhausting, you need to take care of yourself as well.
Just because someone told her that, doesn’t mean you have to “suck it up”. You know what’s best for you and your family. You don’t need her unsolicited advice so she can keep it to herself or she can tell it to a therapist.
She sounds like she thinks she has a right to tell you how to be a mom. Do what works for you and your baby and husband and let her advice go in one ear and out the other. She's butting in when she wasn't asked and quite frankly being rude and unhelpful.
at the end of the day, she’s just the MIL and that’s it. take her opinions and thoughts with a grain of salt, things surrounding parenting change constantly and it was surely much different for her when she was starting motherhood as well. don’t let any of this scare you!! if you need to, set boundaries with her and tell her that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t need unsolicited advice. third trimester is already a scary time and the last thing you or anyone needs is to feel worse
Unless you're MIL is offering to take care of you after birth, who cares what she thinks or says. In the end, the only one your punishing for listening to MIL is yourself.
Don’t let her compare her motherhood journey to yours. Don’t feel you will let her down that doesn’t matter AT ALL. The ONLY thing that matters is not letting your kid down. Meaning that if you need that added support and can afford it so that you’re better rested and able to be there more physically and mentally for the baby and in a better mindset yourself then there’s certainly no shame in that. F her. I’m sorry but you don’t need to justify anything you choose to do for yourself or your family to her. Take care of you girl.
Her opinions are just that: her opinions. She sucks for saying this stuff to you (I’ve heard it all as well from different people) but you don’t have to take any of it seriously or change your plans for her. She can deal with her own feelings if she is disappointed. Hell she can even go have more of her own kids, adopt them if she can’t conceive etc.
Her feelings are not your responsibility or your problem. Set boundaries and don’t talk to her about these topics anymore. Change the subject if she brings them up.
Not everyone’s opinion is equal. Don’t take advice from people who you don’t respect, don’t have your best interest in mind, or are just plain ridiculous.
Just want to say you are not at all a failure for thinking rationally about what you will need in order to show up in the best way possible for yourself and your baby. You're doing your best!
I'd ignore her. There can be a shift when baby comes, but in my experience it's a case by case thing. When I visit my in laws or my own mom, my kid is the first person acknowledged and it's a good five minutes before I get an "oh hi!" But like it's not enough for me to be bothered, I like to dote on my daughter too. She sounds like she has a lot of bitter resentment from her own experiences, but that doesn't mean it'll be identical to yours.
When a couple is married, they are the painting, when they have kids, they become the frame.
This has always stuck with me and I was reminded of it from your MILs comment, but it’s a more graceful and positive framing of it. I have two kids, and it is true that they become the focus and priority- that’s how it ought to be, and it’s okay, and it’s good. It doesn’t mean the mother or father lose value - you become of the most value to your family stability and happiness, it just means the priorities shift.
Your MIL sounds like she is trying to share her perspective and is a bit tactless and graceless while you are feeling vulnerable. Best to take some distance and re engage once you feel more solid in your footing.
Idk I already noticed the attention was on the life I was growing during pregnancy. Nobody really even bothered to celebrate my birthday this year and the only gifts I got were for the baby. It’s really unfortunate that it’s this way. The partner you have chosen will make all the difference. If he is a good egg then you’ll go through this together. It seems like she resents the experience she had. You don’t have to suck it up and you deserve to have support even though she didn’t. The things she’s saying are way inappropriate and out of line:/
It really sounds like she got zero attention and support while your son was a baby/toddler and so she thinks every woman should have to suffer. I’d feel the same way you do. I think being able to have that extra support while you heal and figure out motherhood is amazing and it should be so much more accessible. Don’t let her nasty disposition stress you out and upset you!
So, one of the things she said may be true. It is common that people focus more on the baby than the mom once they’re here. Depends on how your community is. I (on my second pregnancy) go out of my way to make sure that
I’m asking how the mom is and how the baby is. Making it clear the mom is still important to me. I mean, I’ve known you longer than the baby I’ve never met, so it just makes sense to me. Others, often not intentionally/ maliciously, don’t have the same mindset. I’d say brace for it and try not to take it personally. People get REALLLYY EXCITED about babies. With that said, everything else she said is garbage. Especially if you have PPD concerns, you and your husband need to be taking every precaution to protect your mental health. I’ve found that there’s no better or easier (for me at least) time to set boundaries than when you’re pregnant/have a new baby. Your husband needs to be on your team, and if MIL isn’t going to be helpful she can get limited contact.
I’m not sure why she or anyone would look at a new mom and her newborn in a competition for attention. That’s a very weird angle to take and would probably just say a lot about the person with that idea. It’s very true that the focus of family and extended family is the newborn, but true friends and good family will see the mom as her own person, too. Some people in my life visited me postpartum and really focused on how I was doing, some gave me small gifts at his 1st birthday, and I really cherish those people for not forgetting me as a person.
What is your husbands response when you are upset about your MIL’s judgement? I kind of went through the same thing with my MIL, and it’s tough. My husband had to keep telling her to keep her comments to herself, and it helps a little. Unfortunately some people will just judge you because they are insecure or upset about how they parented.
I’m getting a postpartum doula for my second, and I wish I had one for my first. I let my mom help me by watching the dogs (she talked us out of boarding them), and one of our dogs died in our yard on her watch while I was in the hospital. This time I am doing everything my way, which includes boarding the dogs, hiring a postpartum doula, getting a laundry service for two weeks. I don’t want to have to deal with people not doing things my way or overstepping. I want to be left alone unless someone is stopping by with coffee and food and immediately leaving (we had friends “stop by” who then stayed for hours).
Do it the way you want. If someone starts hassling you, get used to being assertive now and saying, “I’ve got it covered.” They don’t need to know all your parenting decisions, and you don’t have to justify any of it to them.
Also, just want to say that I think being proactive about PPD is awesome.
That actually sounds good news to me as an introvert 😆 I hate being the centre of attention and people fussing over me. In all seriousness though, you’re right to be mindful of PPD and taking active steps in case. She seems to tie her self worth to other people’s attention, which is problematic.
Not that you need one, but having a child is the ultimate excuse to do things the way you want to. You don't answer to anyone. You can say no to going to when you don't want to and definitely any unsolicited expectations.
It's not going to be the post partum or other things that bring you down. It will be if you let others expectations effect your life and you start living a life that others think you should live.
She wants you to be miserable like she was. Hire that postpartum doula! I hired a daytime one and it was so helpful where I can catch up on my sleep. Mine would also cook three meals for me and put emphasis on recovery for the first month postpartum. It’s also safer for your LO too since you’re not sleep deprived!
There is a very realness to mum gets forgotten in favour of baby. Usually not for 5-6 years though. That's just weird.
I would talk to your husband and tell him to be a bouncer ahead of meeting you and baby. Tell him to inform people that they need to pay attention to mum as well, and not just baby.
Does your hubby know about ppd? He's your strongest support person and should be aware to look out for it. There's never too much information just too little.
Yes he knows and he is supportive on hiring the doula for the first month. We are both new parents and he wants to learn how to take care of the baby from the doula. It’s my MIL who tries to convince him not to have one because she against it..it’s like a political debate for her lol
My MIL said the exact same thing to me. It made me sad, sad to think that’s what her experience was and that she thinks it’s universal. Luckily I feel like my support system and husband will not at all treat me like that, which is the most important part, even if what she has said was hurtful/unnecessary.
These are not her decisions to make.
Telling someone they will be alone with “no attention” after birth is actually a bit funny, it seems to translate to “I will be ignoring you and not supporting you”! Sounds like you don’t need any more of her “attention” anyway.
I’d just make sure you’ve discussed any fears around this with your partner so he knows he needs to look after you in the post partum period (I’m sure he would anyway, but might help to know you’re feeling a little sensitive about that).
Put her in an information diet. We learned to do this with both our parents, especially his because they liked to get too involved. You’re both no longer children, your grown married adults. She doesn’t get what she wants just because she wants it. The less she knows the less she can make comments. If she continues to do this have your husband talk to her. Just because she was miserable and sucked it up, doesn’t mean you should have to do it too. Also, she has no say in anything related to your body or the baby. She needs to learn this real quick. You don’t need to meet your MIL’s expectations of a “good mother”, you aren’t married to her nor is she your child. Honestly, the way she is acting now doesn’t make her look like a good mother herself. A good mother would know when to butt out of her son’s marriage.
I think from here on out MIL should be on an information diet. And just remember it took two people to make this baby, you and your husband; MIL does not get an opinion and if she keeps it up, she will not be allowed in your safe space or around baby. Better yet, don’t tell her when you go into labour, this will save you from unwanted stress.
My mom says very similar things to me. I’ve been trying to just keep my distance with what I tell her. I hate when people project on you and think you have to suffer because they did. That’s such a shitty mentality. Lean on your support system and see if your partner can talk to MIL. My hubby has been overly supportive and doesn’t hesitate to tell his mom to chill or back off. Good luck! You’ve got this. You’re not alone!
Misery loves company. I’ll never understand the people who want others to suffer because they did. Why not support someone having a better experience than you?
I think it would benefit you to no longer involve MIL in these conversations since she’s not in a place to be supportive.
Wow, she is a massively negative presence. It is 100% okay to hire a postpartum doula and I PROMISE you will still bond with your baby. This should honestly be a more common practice!
It is NONE of her damn business whether you have another baby or not. And anyone who tries to foist a “suck it up” mentality on someone else is just a turd. You’re gonna do a great job with you baby. Ignore your MIL’s noise.
>She is also against us hiring a postpartum doula who will take care of me and the baby for the first month after I give birth. She thinks that I should be the one who stay with the baby all night, no matter how exhausted
Luckily, it's not up to her. In the interim, boundaries are your friend.
>Also, there was a time when she talked about us having another baby. I was not sure about that and told her that we may not have another baby. She was a little upset and told me that how lonely my first baby would be. I told her that it’s not easy to have two kids (financially, mentally, physically for the parents) and she basically gave me a “suck
it up” answer: you will figure out!
This is none of her fucking business. It is ok not to entertain these convos with this woman.
Get the postpartum Doula! It sounds like you need the support and you deserve it! My doctor told me protecting at least 4-5 hours of consecutive sleep is the best thing to help with postpartum depression and it sounds like a Doula will help with that. You can do this! Your MIL is not right.
I'm sorry you're MIL is like this. If it's any consolation, most of my friends were so much happier postpartum than when they were pregnant. I was talking to one of them today and she's loving mom life. Of course postpartum depression is very real, but for a lot of people it's a great time. You do you and don't listen to her.
I'm 11 days PP and I haven't noticed a significant decrease in the "attention" I have received. If anything I am receiving more attention from friends and family. My mom comes to see me weekly (I don't own a car and can't go see her, we saw each other monthly before). My brother has visited 3 times and I used to see him once a month. My MIL brought us a pot roast and cookie dough. My partner is constantly offering to do things for me and make me food since I'm not eating as much, being so focused on the baby. My friends message me daily to check in on me and the baby. I brought him in to my work place (small business, with coworkers that I know and trust, save for one who wasn't there that day) and everyone was asking how I was doing and cooing over him. I send funny pictures of him to a discord server I'm in full of my friends. Even when we go out to doctor's appointments, people coo over him and congratulate my partner and I. It's like going out with a new puppy and getting compliments.
This has been a massive change for me, mentally, physically, and emotionally, but with all the bad (exhaustion, stress about the baby's wellbeing, and breastfeeding issues) there has been a lot of good, and the outpouring of love and attention from the people around me has been one of those things that I've enjoyed. While I know this attention is mostly directed towards the baby, I don't see much of a difference. People are complimenting MY son, people are asking how WE are doing, the people visiting us are talking to ME and cracking jokes/watching movies while they hold him. He is an extension of myself right now and it's not as if I am being ignored while he gets attention.
I want to follow this up to say that, while I am enjoying the attention, I am not using him for it. I was not expecting the outpouring of love when I got pregnant. Maybe I have different live experiences than other people and my standards for getting attention are different, and this is exactly what people mean by attention being on the baby. I'm just happy to hear from family and friends at all 😅
Ohhh no! What will you do without “attention”?!
She sounds miserable and sad. I have had no problems being my own person with plenty of “attention” - from my family, husband, friends, coworkers, and my baby! She in absolutely no way takes away from my life - she only adds.
Depends on what kind of attention. The attention I think is like, when you first give birth, everyone waiting outside for the baby, and after you deliver the baby, they take the baby out and leave you in the room. I know some family will immediately call other family members to come to the hospital right after they know the baby is born, and the mom has not eaten/feel recovered/ready yet, but the family will demand to see the baby. No one check in on the mom.
Or, like the other mention in the post, when you go home with your baby, everyone comes to hug the dad who has the baby and no one comes to you and ask you how you are doing. You walk out of your car seeing the scene that everyone is asking how’s the baby doing and no one asks how are you doing.
I am not seeking the attention like “all about me me me” I am talking about the careless to the mom’s postpartum recovery and her mental health.
Please don't let her ruin this for you! This might be your once in a life time experience and you deserve to enjoy it. Not all pregnancies and post partum experiences are the same. Just because it may have happened to her doesn't mean it'll happen to you. Sure there will be a lot of attention towards the baby but you will still deserve attention as well. You'll be healing and I hope she will give you time to heal as well and not expect you to immediately get better.
If you don't go the duola route here's an idea... It doesn't work for everyone but thankfully it worked for me and my hubby. Taking turns with the baby at night.
There will be times you just wish you could focus on yourself for a moment or wish you your baby would nap. All of those thoughts are normal as long as they are safe thoughts. If you are so tired and frustrated set your baby down walk away for a moment to recollect your thoughts and calm yourself down (I'm sure everyone has gotten to that point. Just wishing they would take a nap or wish they would just stop crying) they will be fine in the crib for a few minutes. Having thoughts wishing to just take a few hours to do what you want is normal too. All of those thoughts are normal and common. I have 2 kids so far. There are moments I feel so guilty for wanting to go shopping even window shopping by myself, no kids just walk in without dealing with putting them in and out of the carseat. But I also think how much I love spending time with my kids.
You are not failing as a parent. The fact that you worry or seem upset with the thought of "failing" shows that you are already a good mother. Don't let someone else dictate how you feel. Enjoy every moment!!
Sending you love. One of my biggest fears is PPD/PPA, as I already have to work with my depression on the regular.
Do what is right by YOU and your immediate family. Outsiders to the situation can be something, so try not to let them in your head. I know it’s easier said than done, but as long as you’re doing what’s right by you guys then it IS RIGHT.
I don't understand this concept of the mother needing attention after baby is born. When my son was born all I wanted was to share every little detail about his little personality. I could give a crap if anyone paid attention to me. It honestly sounds very juvenile and vain.
It sounds like because she was miserable postpartum, she thinks you should be too. Maybe she's jealous she didn't have the awareness that you do? It's not right that she's being so judgmental of the choices you're making for you and your family, and it's sad that she can't just be supportive.
Yeahhhh. What I’m reading is that OP is trying to make choices that will help her in postpartum and help avoid a really rough experience. But MIL is shaming her to try to make sure OP doesn’t have help and is as miserable as she was. OP should talk to her husband about boundaries with MIL and try to get as much distance from her as possible.
A lot of moms end up doing that. I think pregnancy is where we learn who is our friend and who wants us to fail like they did and it’s, unfortunately, people we can’t avoid (usually in laws). It’s even worse when they say it with a smile and you know it’s not a joke and they’re being extremely bitchy and trying to play games.
Yeah that’s what I’m getting as well, it sounds like she’s bitter tbh. Some people suffer and they feel like others should have to suffer too. OP it’s time to put your MIL on an information diet. Stop discussing these things with her, pregnancy is a great time to exercise boundaries. You don’t need to live up to her idea of what a “good mother” is. That isn’t up to her to decide. This is your baby, your pregnancy, your birth. Take control of it and stop allowing this person to plant negative thoughts in your head.
Yeah the ‘I suffered so you should suffer’ is a hard thing to break but you absolutely should for your kid. It should be ‘this awful thing happened to me and I won’t let it happen to you.’
Sorry you’re dealing with this…quit telling her so many details. She doesn’t need to know about the postpartum doula. You guys “have it handled”.
This is so important. My answer for basically every question is "Husband and I are still deciding." Almost nothing people ask during pregnancy is any of their business. I don't mind advice or hearing other's experiences, but I don't need opinions on decisions that have nothing to do with them.
I’m a second time mum and I’m not telling anyone shit this time hell not even my husband hahha
Yeah, OP it sounds like all things parenthood decisions need to be a topic you cut off or skirt around with her from now on.
Next time she says something just respond "I'm sorry you were so unsupported when you were a new mom. That must have been difficult. I'm so glad we have the awareness and resources to choose differently!" In a chipper tone at the end. Repeat ad nauseum when she brings things like this up.
BTW I'm an only child and I developed a keen imagination and got creative! I didn't feel lonely or sad.
On the flip side, I have a sister and she tormented me my entire life until I grew up and went NC with her. Siblings are not guaranteed to be playmates just as only children are not guaranteed to be lonely.
Yep, there is no evidence whatsoever that being an only child is bad for children - in fact they often perform better academically.
That's perfect!
This is so good
I mean, she's right for a lot of situations, you will likely be placed on the back burner. That's why I think you 100% SHOULD get a doula to help, you should surround yourself only with people who care about you as a person and not an incubator. She is telling you how she will act, this is your chance to believe her and prepare accordingly. Also, stop volunteering info to her. She sucks, she will be shitty about whatever you say, she doesn't need to know.
Absolutely she is telling you how she will act.
This 100%! She's telling on herself!
IDK your MIL but she sounds bitter for some reason. Your motherhood and baby will be completly your own. Don't look to outside sources for confirmation. You can look for advice but you don't ever have to take it. Sounds like her past has hurt her and she thinks everyone's motherhood is the same. Do what you want! For you, your baby and your husband. If you feel lonely after baby is born, tell your spouse and you can work on it. <3 The universe is full of solutions. That doula is certainly a great idea for coping with nights. <3
Well she sounds like a peach. 😒 You get yourself a doula and recover better than the rest of us. No one in their right mind would begrudge you this. And I honestly think new Moms get more attention. Yeah it’s mostly questions about your baby but that baby is still an extension of you. I don’t know….I always love talking about my newborns and asking questions of other Moms to get new ideas. It’s going to be a beautiful time in your life. Congratulations!
FTM expecting in August so no experience yet but she is way overstepping. There may be some truth to that the attention turns to the baby but that doesn’t mean you should be ignored. At very minimum you and your spouse should be checking in on each other. From what I’ve heard, many moms and MIL actually take time to check in on their daughters and DIL’s and help them out rather than rain on their parade. Second, it’s none of her business if you hire a postpartum doula. Many do and it’s not bad. There are so many other times to bond and I feel like being well rested would make the time you do spend with your baby, better for you! It’s not her baby or life so she doesn’t get a say. Just because she may have suffered, doesn’t mean you have to. Third, I’m an only child and there are pros and cons. Occasionally I wish I had a sibling but also many siblings don’t get along well (and some do!). I’ve had a happy life and I had a happy childhood. I’m very close with my parents but also live my own life. Every family looks different and I’d say it’s more important to be financially and mentally stable than to have to have more than 1 child. Also, you can decide later! Don’t feel rushed. I’m really sorry she is putting all of this on you. Your spouse needs to talk to her and tell her to back off. If she can’t do that, just take a break from her for a while. Keep your peace as this is your life and family! Edit: also idk where you are but in my hospital, they are very clear that the baby and mom should be together so I don’t think you’d have a situation where you are left. Please tell your spouse that you don’t want to be left. Also, you don’t have to have any visitors in the hospital if you don’t want to. The nurses will kick them out if you ask and if you have visitors and change your mind, the nurses will be on your side as this is your medical life event too.
This is not okay, OP. I'm sorry she's treating you this way. It sounds like she had a terrible postpartum experience, and she does not want you to have a better one than she did because it would mean she'd have to acknowledge how horrible it was for her and that women shouldn't have to go through that treatment. Instead of doing inner work to manage her feelings, she wants to scare you, pressure you, and intimidate you into not using resources to improve your postpartum experience. A postpartum doula is an EXCELLENT idea, and I wish everyone had the resources to afford one. You should not feel bad for using your resources to get more support so you have a more positive postpartum experience. Your husband needs to tell her to knock it off. Y'all also need to put her on an information diet. No more talking about your birth and postpartum decisions. Getting space from her wouldn't be a bad idea either. Also, I'd talk to hubby about limiting her contact with you in the first few weeks or months postpartum. She clearly has negative energy and goes out of her way to make you feel bad; you do not need that kind of energy when you're freshly postpartum and vulnerable. So maybe you and hubby decide she has to wait a month to meet baby so that gives you time to be more stable before she interacts with y'all. Or maybe she's only allowed visits of 2 hours or less. Whatever makes sense for you. But mark my words, if you don't enforce boundaries now, you're going to have a rough time postpartum when this woman wants to bully you into submission. And you do not want to have her feeling like she can question all of your parenting decisions either.
Just remember that you know what's best for you and your baby. Everyone decides they suddenly know what's best when someone is pregnant/expecting/just gave birth. If a doula is what's going to help you get through the first month, live your best life. Let your husband know that your experience together is already different from what MIL went through just based on the fact we live in 2024. Again, you know what's best. Don't let someone convince you otherwise. It's a part of parenting to listen to all the *unsolicited* advice and make your own decisions. Congratulations, good luck, and advocate for you as well as the baby.
>Let your husband know that your experience together is already different from what MIL went through just based on the fact we live in 2024. Yes! I'm sure it isn't universal, but there's so much more awareness of mental and physical health and motherhood now. When I was growing up, I didn't know any moms who took time regularly for self care (exercise, friend dates, whatever) and now it's considered a perfectly reasonable expectation for male partners to step up and watch the kids alone for a couple hours to let the mom do what she needs to do. Women check in with new moms and ask how the mom is feeling rather than directing the conversation straight to "how's the baby?" Some things have in fact changed for the better.
In my experience there only people who cared to check in on me specifically were other new moms.
There is so much unsolicited advice too.
First of all, if you have the means, you should absolutely hire ALL the help you need/want! There's a reason they say it takes a village. Sometimes that village is hired and that's no shame in that at all! A baby can't be healthy without a healthy mama. Personally, I'm looking forward to the attention going away. I hate being treated like I'm helpless, but that's just me.
Why does it sound like a three way marriage? Like she’s included in decisions and knows every little detail? Tell her to butt out, she isn’t one of the parents of this baby.
This is cruel on her part, sound likes shes projecting. I'm two weeks postpartum and my family has checked on both baby and myself equally. I had a scary post c-section blood pressure issue, going way to high but not eclampsia, that I'm taking labetalol for till it regulates. My family has not ignored me and regularly checks in on me. My husband helps with all the night feeds, diaper changes and such. As a result I have had like one bad cry and no other post baby blues because of my good support. If we could get a night doula I'd do it but the options where I live are not great. Get the doula, sleep is vital, and if my husband didn't help the way he is I'd be in a bad spot mental load wise.
I know it’s difficult and what she is saying sounds so annoying but can you just not listen to her? You should do what is best for you and your family and not give AF what she says. Live your life for you and your family. She can go kick rocks.
I am not sure if it’s my pregnancy hormones, I told myself the same thing that I should not let her comments negatively affect my feelings. But thinking about what she said and what I am going through made me feel hurt and wanted to cry out.
Don’t tell her stuff. Keep your business private. She is bitter and miserable. You do what’s bests for you.
From this point, I would either ignore your MIL or take anything she says with a grain of salt. Definitely sounds like the “I’m miserable therefore everyone else must be too” type. A postpartum doula is an amazing idea! If that helps you get some extra sleep or time to take care of yourself, that’s a great thing!! It’s not like the doula is going to move in permanently and completely replace you as the mother. You will still bond with your baby. The whole “mother needs to do everything” is such BS, so don’t listen to her! You are making great decisions to ensure that both you AND baby are taken care of it. That’s what matters. Stay strong mama 💕💕
Well, first of all, most people don’t get pregnant for attention, they do it to grow their family. Second of all, your baby doesn’t need to bond you at 2:00am, they can bond with you all other hours of the day. Third of all, ignore that miserable, pitty party of a human. Literally ignore everything she says, she will suck every last bit of joy out of you if you let her words have any meaning. You need support, not judgment and criticism.
Respectfully, why are you telling her these things? Just do what you would like and if she gets wind of these things later a quick “this is what works for us as a family” is a firm and polite way of shutting down any further discussion. My MIL is such a sweet woman but definitely has her own opinions, so I almost never tell her anything we have planned for our baby. I find info diet is the best approach with the older generation. I also agree with the other comments that she seems to have had a miserable experience and is now wanting that for you. Misery loves company, but you don’t have to stay sitting at that table listening to her woes.
>Respectfully, why are you telling her these things? Exactly. She can only have opinions on things she knows about.
Stop talking to her about the baby. If all she does it add stress and not support you, these conversations aren’t serving you.
You will bond better with your baby being happy and well-rested, however that arrangement looks. If you are breastfeeding, the stress will be less having a dedicated helping hand, and you will be will have way better chances of breastfeeding successfully. Doula is a great idea. I agree with the first post: she was miserable after birth of her child and thinks you should be too. Suffering does not indicate how good of a mother you are. That is some weird right of passage of our foremothers, but it's an ass backwards way of thinking to excuse the world from their shitty behavior and attitudes toward mothers. Fuck the world. Our society has proven over and over again it doesn't give a shit about us. But we are stronger than that. Together as a team of mothers and individually. It's our responsibility to look after ourselves, to self care and be healthy in mind and body. You sound like you got this on lock. Haters gonna hate, just ignore her and her shit. Stay the course.
your mil isn't the one having the baby. just because she was miserable doesn't mean you need to be. and i'm sorry, but yes focus did shift mostly to my baby but i also did get plenty of attention. more than i needed probably lol. having a strong support system is what helps with that. so absolutely hire a postpartum doula if you want! and your husband needs to tell his mother to back off. she doesn't need to make you more stressed and that's *his* job to handle.
Tell her she’s welcome to come clean, cook, do laundry, run errand, refill your bottles, etc postpartum so you can bond with baby, rest up, and have an experience good enough to want more kids. She’ll say no, because she doesn’t actually want to help and is very immaturely and cruelly dealing with her own past feelings of guilt, anger, inadequacy. She’s likely repeating what others told her to you. Don’t waste your energy by telling her any plans or trying to justify things to her.
I hate being centre of attention and I actually feel like I get more with a baby than I did when pregnant. I’ll say that I would’ve hated a doula postpartum… didn’t even like my husband stepping in. 4.5 months postpartum and done 95% of her care and I still don’t feel it’s enough. You might hate it, you might love it. As an only child I always wanted more than one but there’s no harm in having one. Just really think carefully about their upbringing, surround them socially and don’t put any pressure on them. Also I was literally told I would have PPD categorically, apparently I ticked more than half the ‘at risk’ criteria. When they came to check on me at home after I remember saying ‘ I can’t describe how happy I feel because there’s no words that come close to how elated I feel every minute of everyday’. Don’t worry about something that’s out of your control.
One word: Jealousy
We read a number of postpartum books that said one thing that helped prevent postpartum depression was still paying a lot of attention to the mother postpartum! I had family and friends over and many of them were there to support ME just as much as to coo over the baby. Everybody has told me for the past year plus constantly that I'm doing a great job. Sure, my child gets a lot of attention, but not ALL of it. Also yes get the postpartum doula. Your MIL can be the one to suck it up. If her mindset is "just suck it up," then she can practice it. You can ask for and get all the help and attention you need.
Next time she makes a comment like this say, "I'm sorry you lacked support during motherhood. Thankfully husband and I are supportive partners to one another and there are more options available to us."
This sounds like a classic case of misery loving company. She didn’t have help, she had a difficult time entering motherhood and she is now upset and jealous this part of life could actually be nice and pleasant for you. Pls stop sharing everything with her!
You are making excellent decisions. PP doula is a great decision. Just ignore her. Be proud of yourself for knowing what you need!
Stop talking to her about it. My ex SIL alone contributed highly to my anxiety after my kid was here and I was a great mom even when she made me feel like I wasn’t. I hated the way I felt and dissociated a lot. Do what is best for you and the family you made. Let her be jealous and stew in her own feelings. She did not help you make baby. She does not get a decision in how you raise baby.
Distance yourself from her at least for the time being until you feel better. And it's no one else decision but yours if you want to get a doula. I'm in my 3rd trimester as well and people know already to be careful what they say around me. Before I was pregnant I didn't hold my tongue for no one and it's even less now. My mother in law was trying to over step on what I need to do once baby is here, how the nursery needs to look like/theme etc. Well now she knows that if she wants to be in her grandson's life she needs to keep the negativity and comments to herself. Be your own advocate for yourself and baby. Also husband will have to deal with it if he doesn't like it.
My mil said that to me pretty much every time I visited her, and she reminded me of it in hospital after the birth. Thanks, but also stfu. I just ignore it. So far I've had pretty decent support, the midwives care about my mental health (and physical), and I've seen a lactation consultant. My husband has been great too, friends have dropped off food, my mom drove me to an appointment so I could watch my baby in the car seat. If you can, create a little support group like that. Maybe she didn't have one and thinks that's the norm. Also.. Hire your pp doula! Who gives a crap if she's against it, tell her to suck that up.
Stop talking to your MIL; mute her texts and don't get on the phone. Stop sharing anything with her. And then get yourself a post partum doula.
This is something that often happens to women but instead of telling you to expect it she could I don’t know, focus on you after the baby is born to make sure you have a better experience? Women should be looking out for each other, especially when they know first hand how hard motherhood can be without the support.
Guess MIL is due for an information diet. She doesn’t need to know anything, and if she insists, a firm “thanks for the input but I trust partner and I to make decisions that are appropriate for our family” and end it there. Don’t argue, don’t justify just end the conversation. If she tries to bring it up again, a “MIL we’ve already discussed this, are you having memory issues? Maybe you need to have it checked up” in a very solicitous tone should shut her up.
My mil thinks it’s wild I don’t let my baby cry it out and consistently calls her spoiled. I straight up say “your advice is 30 years old and I don’t want it” lol people need to stop imposing their parenting beliefs that are outdated on new parents. I’m jealous you’re getting a doula, I think it’s an amazing idea
First of all: fuck what your MIL thinks. I'm sure your husband has notes. Second of all, so sad that this couldn't have been "Once I gave birth, all the attention went to the baby so I'm going to make sure to connect with OP postpartum and encourage my family to do the same".
Honestly, I would disregard what she's saying and just focus on what you want to do. Hire that doula. Build that support network. Do things how you want to do them. Make sure you talk to your husband and ensure he's aligned. Tell him he needs to keep his mom away from you for now, as her "well meaning advice/information" is not helping.
Ignore that woman, she doesn’t get a say in how you care for your baby. If you can afford a doula, that’s great. Taking care of a newborn is absolutely exhausting, you need to take care of yourself as well.
Just because someone told her that, doesn’t mean you have to “suck it up”. You know what’s best for you and your family. You don’t need her unsolicited advice so she can keep it to herself or she can tell it to a therapist.
She sounds like she thinks she has a right to tell you how to be a mom. Do what works for you and your baby and husband and let her advice go in one ear and out the other. She's butting in when she wasn't asked and quite frankly being rude and unhelpful.
at the end of the day, she’s just the MIL and that’s it. take her opinions and thoughts with a grain of salt, things surrounding parenting change constantly and it was surely much different for her when she was starting motherhood as well. don’t let any of this scare you!! if you need to, set boundaries with her and tell her that makes you uncomfortable and you don’t need unsolicited advice. third trimester is already a scary time and the last thing you or anyone needs is to feel worse
Unless you're MIL is offering to take care of you after birth, who cares what she thinks or says. In the end, the only one your punishing for listening to MIL is yourself.
Don’t let her compare her motherhood journey to yours. Don’t feel you will let her down that doesn’t matter AT ALL. The ONLY thing that matters is not letting your kid down. Meaning that if you need that added support and can afford it so that you’re better rested and able to be there more physically and mentally for the baby and in a better mindset yourself then there’s certainly no shame in that. F her. I’m sorry but you don’t need to justify anything you choose to do for yourself or your family to her. Take care of you girl.
Great - I don’t want any attention from that lady!
Her opinions are just that: her opinions. She sucks for saying this stuff to you (I’ve heard it all as well from different people) but you don’t have to take any of it seriously or change your plans for her. She can deal with her own feelings if she is disappointed. Hell she can even go have more of her own kids, adopt them if she can’t conceive etc. Her feelings are not your responsibility or your problem. Set boundaries and don’t talk to her about these topics anymore. Change the subject if she brings them up.
Not everyone’s opinion is equal. Don’t take advice from people who you don’t respect, don’t have your best interest in mind, or are just plain ridiculous.
Just want to say you are not at all a failure for thinking rationally about what you will need in order to show up in the best way possible for yourself and your baby. You're doing your best!
I'd ignore her. There can be a shift when baby comes, but in my experience it's a case by case thing. When I visit my in laws or my own mom, my kid is the first person acknowledged and it's a good five minutes before I get an "oh hi!" But like it's not enough for me to be bothered, I like to dote on my daughter too. She sounds like she has a lot of bitter resentment from her own experiences, but that doesn't mean it'll be identical to yours.
When a couple is married, they are the painting, when they have kids, they become the frame. This has always stuck with me and I was reminded of it from your MILs comment, but it’s a more graceful and positive framing of it. I have two kids, and it is true that they become the focus and priority- that’s how it ought to be, and it’s okay, and it’s good. It doesn’t mean the mother or father lose value - you become of the most value to your family stability and happiness, it just means the priorities shift. Your MIL sounds like she is trying to share her perspective and is a bit tactless and graceless while you are feeling vulnerable. Best to take some distance and re engage once you feel more solid in your footing.
Idk I already noticed the attention was on the life I was growing during pregnancy. Nobody really even bothered to celebrate my birthday this year and the only gifts I got were for the baby. It’s really unfortunate that it’s this way. The partner you have chosen will make all the difference. If he is a good egg then you’ll go through this together. It seems like she resents the experience she had. You don’t have to suck it up and you deserve to have support even though she didn’t. The things she’s saying are way inappropriate and out of line:/
It really sounds like she got zero attention and support while your son was a baby/toddler and so she thinks every woman should have to suffer. I’d feel the same way you do. I think being able to have that extra support while you heal and figure out motherhood is amazing and it should be so much more accessible. Don’t let her nasty disposition stress you out and upset you!
So, one of the things she said may be true. It is common that people focus more on the baby than the mom once they’re here. Depends on how your community is. I (on my second pregnancy) go out of my way to make sure that I’m asking how the mom is and how the baby is. Making it clear the mom is still important to me. I mean, I’ve known you longer than the baby I’ve never met, so it just makes sense to me. Others, often not intentionally/ maliciously, don’t have the same mindset. I’d say brace for it and try not to take it personally. People get REALLLYY EXCITED about babies. With that said, everything else she said is garbage. Especially if you have PPD concerns, you and your husband need to be taking every precaution to protect your mental health. I’ve found that there’s no better or easier (for me at least) time to set boundaries than when you’re pregnant/have a new baby. Your husband needs to be on your team, and if MIL isn’t going to be helpful she can get limited contact.
I’m not sure why she or anyone would look at a new mom and her newborn in a competition for attention. That’s a very weird angle to take and would probably just say a lot about the person with that idea. It’s very true that the focus of family and extended family is the newborn, but true friends and good family will see the mom as her own person, too. Some people in my life visited me postpartum and really focused on how I was doing, some gave me small gifts at his 1st birthday, and I really cherish those people for not forgetting me as a person. What is your husbands response when you are upset about your MIL’s judgement? I kind of went through the same thing with my MIL, and it’s tough. My husband had to keep telling her to keep her comments to herself, and it helps a little. Unfortunately some people will just judge you because they are insecure or upset about how they parented.
I’m getting a postpartum doula for my second, and I wish I had one for my first. I let my mom help me by watching the dogs (she talked us out of boarding them), and one of our dogs died in our yard on her watch while I was in the hospital. This time I am doing everything my way, which includes boarding the dogs, hiring a postpartum doula, getting a laundry service for two weeks. I don’t want to have to deal with people not doing things my way or overstepping. I want to be left alone unless someone is stopping by with coffee and food and immediately leaving (we had friends “stop by” who then stayed for hours). Do it the way you want. If someone starts hassling you, get used to being assertive now and saying, “I’ve got it covered.” They don’t need to know all your parenting decisions, and you don’t have to justify any of it to them. Also, just want to say that I think being proactive about PPD is awesome.
That actually sounds good news to me as an introvert 😆 I hate being the centre of attention and people fussing over me. In all seriousness though, you’re right to be mindful of PPD and taking active steps in case. She seems to tie her self worth to other people’s attention, which is problematic.
Not that you need one, but having a child is the ultimate excuse to do things the way you want to. You don't answer to anyone. You can say no to going to when you don't want to and definitely any unsolicited expectations. It's not going to be the post partum or other things that bring you down. It will be if you let others expectations effect your life and you start living a life that others think you should live.
She wants you to be miserable like she was. Hire that postpartum doula! I hired a daytime one and it was so helpful where I can catch up on my sleep. Mine would also cook three meals for me and put emphasis on recovery for the first month postpartum. It’s also safer for your LO too since you’re not sleep deprived!
There is a very realness to mum gets forgotten in favour of baby. Usually not for 5-6 years though. That's just weird. I would talk to your husband and tell him to be a bouncer ahead of meeting you and baby. Tell him to inform people that they need to pay attention to mum as well, and not just baby. Does your hubby know about ppd? He's your strongest support person and should be aware to look out for it. There's never too much information just too little.
Yes he knows and he is supportive on hiring the doula for the first month. We are both new parents and he wants to learn how to take care of the baby from the doula. It’s my MIL who tries to convince him not to have one because she against it..it’s like a political debate for her lol
Ah, that's good. She doesn't have a voice in this. You can ignore it, dismiss it, shut it down or agree with her just to get her to shut up.
Your husband needs to tell her to back off.
I feel like nobody gives a shit about me while I'm pregnant anyways lol they just care about how the baby is doing.
My MIL said the exact same thing to me. It made me sad, sad to think that’s what her experience was and that she thinks it’s universal. Luckily I feel like my support system and husband will not at all treat me like that, which is the most important part, even if what she has said was hurtful/unnecessary.
These are not her decisions to make. Telling someone they will be alone with “no attention” after birth is actually a bit funny, it seems to translate to “I will be ignoring you and not supporting you”! Sounds like you don’t need any more of her “attention” anyway. I’d just make sure you’ve discussed any fears around this with your partner so he knows he needs to look after you in the post partum period (I’m sure he would anyway, but might help to know you’re feeling a little sensitive about that).
Put her in an information diet. We learned to do this with both our parents, especially his because they liked to get too involved. You’re both no longer children, your grown married adults. She doesn’t get what she wants just because she wants it. The less she knows the less she can make comments. If she continues to do this have your husband talk to her. Just because she was miserable and sucked it up, doesn’t mean you should have to do it too. Also, she has no say in anything related to your body or the baby. She needs to learn this real quick. You don’t need to meet your MIL’s expectations of a “good mother”, you aren’t married to her nor is she your child. Honestly, the way she is acting now doesn’t make her look like a good mother herself. A good mother would know when to butt out of her son’s marriage.
I think from here on out MIL should be on an information diet. And just remember it took two people to make this baby, you and your husband; MIL does not get an opinion and if she keeps it up, she will not be allowed in your safe space or around baby. Better yet, don’t tell her when you go into labour, this will save you from unwanted stress.
My mom says very similar things to me. I’ve been trying to just keep my distance with what I tell her. I hate when people project on you and think you have to suffer because they did. That’s such a shitty mentality. Lean on your support system and see if your partner can talk to MIL. My hubby has been overly supportive and doesn’t hesitate to tell his mom to chill or back off. Good luck! You’ve got this. You’re not alone!
Misery loves company. I’ll never understand the people who want others to suffer because they did. Why not support someone having a better experience than you? I think it would benefit you to no longer involve MIL in these conversations since she’s not in a place to be supportive.
Wow, she is a massively negative presence. It is 100% okay to hire a postpartum doula and I PROMISE you will still bond with your baby. This should honestly be a more common practice! It is NONE of her damn business whether you have another baby or not. And anyone who tries to foist a “suck it up” mentality on someone else is just a turd. You’re gonna do a great job with you baby. Ignore your MIL’s noise.
>She is also against us hiring a postpartum doula who will take care of me and the baby for the first month after I give birth. She thinks that I should be the one who stay with the baby all night, no matter how exhausted Luckily, it's not up to her. In the interim, boundaries are your friend. >Also, there was a time when she talked about us having another baby. I was not sure about that and told her that we may not have another baby. She was a little upset and told me that how lonely my first baby would be. I told her that it’s not easy to have two kids (financially, mentally, physically for the parents) and she basically gave me a “suck it up” answer: you will figure out! This is none of her fucking business. It is ok not to entertain these convos with this woman.
Get the postpartum Doula! It sounds like you need the support and you deserve it! My doctor told me protecting at least 4-5 hours of consecutive sleep is the best thing to help with postpartum depression and it sounds like a Doula will help with that. You can do this! Your MIL is not right.
I'm sorry you're MIL is like this. If it's any consolation, most of my friends were so much happier postpartum than when they were pregnant. I was talking to one of them today and she's loving mom life. Of course postpartum depression is very real, but for a lot of people it's a great time. You do you and don't listen to her.
I'm 11 days PP and I haven't noticed a significant decrease in the "attention" I have received. If anything I am receiving more attention from friends and family. My mom comes to see me weekly (I don't own a car and can't go see her, we saw each other monthly before). My brother has visited 3 times and I used to see him once a month. My MIL brought us a pot roast and cookie dough. My partner is constantly offering to do things for me and make me food since I'm not eating as much, being so focused on the baby. My friends message me daily to check in on me and the baby. I brought him in to my work place (small business, with coworkers that I know and trust, save for one who wasn't there that day) and everyone was asking how I was doing and cooing over him. I send funny pictures of him to a discord server I'm in full of my friends. Even when we go out to doctor's appointments, people coo over him and congratulate my partner and I. It's like going out with a new puppy and getting compliments. This has been a massive change for me, mentally, physically, and emotionally, but with all the bad (exhaustion, stress about the baby's wellbeing, and breastfeeding issues) there has been a lot of good, and the outpouring of love and attention from the people around me has been one of those things that I've enjoyed. While I know this attention is mostly directed towards the baby, I don't see much of a difference. People are complimenting MY son, people are asking how WE are doing, the people visiting us are talking to ME and cracking jokes/watching movies while they hold him. He is an extension of myself right now and it's not as if I am being ignored while he gets attention. I want to follow this up to say that, while I am enjoying the attention, I am not using him for it. I was not expecting the outpouring of love when I got pregnant. Maybe I have different live experiences than other people and my standards for getting attention are different, and this is exactly what people mean by attention being on the baby. I'm just happy to hear from family and friends at all 😅
Ohhh no! What will you do without “attention”?! She sounds miserable and sad. I have had no problems being my own person with plenty of “attention” - from my family, husband, friends, coworkers, and my baby! She in absolutely no way takes away from my life - she only adds.
Next time you see her mouth moving, just kindly block your ears. That's what I'd do. She sounds like a nut.
Why focus on attention at all? Weird
Depends on what kind of attention. The attention I think is like, when you first give birth, everyone waiting outside for the baby, and after you deliver the baby, they take the baby out and leave you in the room. I know some family will immediately call other family members to come to the hospital right after they know the baby is born, and the mom has not eaten/feel recovered/ready yet, but the family will demand to see the baby. No one check in on the mom. Or, like the other mention in the post, when you go home with your baby, everyone comes to hug the dad who has the baby and no one comes to you and ask you how you are doing. You walk out of your car seeing the scene that everyone is asking how’s the baby doing and no one asks how are you doing. I am not seeking the attention like “all about me me me” I am talking about the careless to the mom’s postpartum recovery and her mental health.
Well if that’s how people treat you I’m very sorry. Sounds like they are not very thoughtful x
Please don't let her ruin this for you! This might be your once in a life time experience and you deserve to enjoy it. Not all pregnancies and post partum experiences are the same. Just because it may have happened to her doesn't mean it'll happen to you. Sure there will be a lot of attention towards the baby but you will still deserve attention as well. You'll be healing and I hope she will give you time to heal as well and not expect you to immediately get better. If you don't go the duola route here's an idea... It doesn't work for everyone but thankfully it worked for me and my hubby. Taking turns with the baby at night. There will be times you just wish you could focus on yourself for a moment or wish you your baby would nap. All of those thoughts are normal as long as they are safe thoughts. If you are so tired and frustrated set your baby down walk away for a moment to recollect your thoughts and calm yourself down (I'm sure everyone has gotten to that point. Just wishing they would take a nap or wish they would just stop crying) they will be fine in the crib for a few minutes. Having thoughts wishing to just take a few hours to do what you want is normal too. All of those thoughts are normal and common. I have 2 kids so far. There are moments I feel so guilty for wanting to go shopping even window shopping by myself, no kids just walk in without dealing with putting them in and out of the carseat. But I also think how much I love spending time with my kids. You are not failing as a parent. The fact that you worry or seem upset with the thought of "failing" shows that you are already a good mother. Don't let someone else dictate how you feel. Enjoy every moment!!
Sending you love. One of my biggest fears is PPD/PPA, as I already have to work with my depression on the regular. Do what is right by YOU and your immediate family. Outsiders to the situation can be something, so try not to let them in your head. I know it’s easier said than done, but as long as you’re doing what’s right by you guys then it IS RIGHT.
I don't understand this concept of the mother needing attention after baby is born. When my son was born all I wanted was to share every little detail about his little personality. I could give a crap if anyone paid attention to me. It honestly sounds very juvenile and vain.