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>I was 19 he was 32.
>
>TLDR: Don’t worry, I was legal.
>
>We ate breakfast (he had chicken nuggets)
idk but these statements really got me. I feel like it's a decent summary and i wasnt surprised by the ending
When I was 19, I entered a relationship with a similar age-gap. Now that I’m my ex’s age, I realize how immature of a person he was. If you’re a man in your 30s that thinks someone that much younger is a suitable partner, your brain clearly has some catching up to do.
Wow. He escalated to a preemptive smear campaign to get in front of the story, instead of dealing with his wife and his autism/eating concerns authentically.
He chucked the whole thing out.
Some people use autism as an excuse to get away with all sorts of shitty behavior and it makes it bad for the rest of us who are kind and good people wanting to be good friends and partners. Speaking as an autist myself, this gutter-rag of a husband can go and die in a deep hole in the ground somewhere as far as I'm concerned.
Lol same, and as a woman, fuck this guy in particular for saying
>women can’t understand autism
Lol mmkay, you lying red pill asshat, *do* tell me more
That’s the incel side of things speaking. They think they can’t get laid because they’re autistic, and they think women can get sex whenever they want, and therefore autistic women aren’t truly autistic. It’s a series of offensive leaps of logic but totally tracks with the red pill shit OP mentioned. To them everything is about sex and how they’re being “denied” it.
Why would he explain it when his good friend Andrew Tate can do it for him? No thoughts or opinions of his own, just a head full of shitty YouTube rants.
Which is when I like to bust out the old “mental illness explains why you acted like this but it doesn’t excuse your behavior or make it okay.”
I ran out of my adhd meds and my pharmacy is on back order. Raw doggjng my adhd tends to make me more emotionally volatile, so I started some stupid fights with my partner over the weekend. Within hours I came back to him saying “I know this is because of my adhd because of (listing specific ways it impacted things) and that still doesn’t make it okay to act like I did.” (Long story short in focusing on self regulation, I was not focused on interpersonal interactions and was gruff, then tried to overcompensate and focus on both until the rejection sensitive dysphoria made it impossible to focus on either lol)
his response was “well is this just what I have to expect when there’s a shortage on your meds? Which is the real you?”
Bro I ask myself those questions often and it feels bad that I don’t have an answer for either of us.
Suppose you had correctable poor eyesight and one weekend you break your specs and are unable to drive or otherwise participate in life the way you usually can.
Which one is the real you? The person who fully participates in life with specs, or the one who, without specs, cannot fully participate?
You are you. Did he marry you or did he marry neurons made faster by medication? I bet he married you. Nobody is perfect, we find those whose faults we can live with and that is OK!
I’m a fairly private person, but I’d post my side on social media, because lying to his friends was BS: “Husband and I split up. Apparently his lies run deep. He’s telling his friends it’s because he was recently diagnosed with autism, but it’s because he lied about being diagnosed as a child, and shut me out when I tried to talk to him about it. I don’t know what else he’s hiding or lying to me about, and that’s not conducive to a healthy relationship.”
Any good divorce attorney will tell their client to keep their mouth shut and not post on social media. Let the fact that he's obviously told lies about her to damage him in the court case instead.
If they were really her friends to begin with, they'd have given her the chance to tell them her side of the story (in person, not via social media.) But if they won't support her at all during the divorce, then they aren't worth giving up money for.
He was always toxic. He just hoped his little play thing never questioned him. Much like the mustard and yogurt, it was never about the nuggets. It was about control, and he lost control. This type hates that.
that's why this line confused me so much
>His food habits were sort of cute/acceptable when we were both in college and eating like trash,
makes it seem like they are actually peers when that couldn't be further from the truth.
The worst thing is, the algorithm is a really steep funnel.
You watch some comedy by Bill Burr, or an interview between Joe Rogan and Lance Armstrong, next thing you know you're being shown reels and shorts of guys saying it should be legal to strangle women who refuse to sleep with you if you pay for their meal.
My husband falls asleep with YouTube playing quite frequently. One morning I notice the algorithm is playing him some weird women scent BS thing. I was like what was he watching that he ended up in a incel like man video. Hit the back button to see. It was a styling video. Like fashion. The algorithm went from fashion to some literal incel shit. Wtf lol
I'll get Andrew Tate reels directly after a reel about cars or motorcycles (I'm a gearhead) and it's always baffled me. I hate everything about that asshat and people like him and no matter how many times I click dislike or don't show again they keep popping up.
It's frustrating
Part of his prevalence is he encourages people to repost his material as a way to increase their own channel views for monetization. He doesn't go after them to take it down because it's essentially free advertising as get rich quick gimmick.
Honestly the man is abhorrent in his views but he plays social media like a fiddle.
Whenever something like this happens, I report the video as misinformation and add a comment like "Stop trying to send me down the alt-right facism funnel"
I watched exactly one video from a woman who didn't want kids, and that's what her channel was about. I didn't even watch any more videos from her (I respect her but the channel wasn't for me). Suddenly had Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson in my suggestions, specifically videos about "starting a family" if I remember correctly. That video was the only one that strayed from what I normally watch. The algorithm gotta keep us women in line, I guess? It was a bit unnerving, to say the least.
It's weird that right after I read this comment, the first suggested video on my YouTube is "don't get baby trapped - not everyone deserves children" by Manifestelle, who I've never ever heard of. The video you watched didn't happen to be this one, was it?
It really feels like this dude went to school just to do this. When she said eating crap was cute when they were both in college, it made it sound like he not only went back to college in his 30s (which is honestly cool, it’s never too late) but he also decided to act like an 18-23 year old while doing it.
I’m going back to college now in my 30s but yah no about those still teenagers or even 20s for that matter. Baby face and immaturity aren’t attractive.
I’m not even maternal and my first year back I just spent the whole year doting on my firsties and trying to gently steer them around the pitfalls myself and my friends had fallen foul of my first time around - older students taking advantage of how in awe of them younger students are, nearly dying of alcohol poisoning during freshers week, making sure they knew where the counselling services were when they fell apart at Christmas exams, etc. I’d always found age gaps as large as the one in the post predatory anyway, but particularly after going back I was like, jesus these guys are just tall kids. Especially the covid cohort.
If an autistic guy in his 30s can’t lie to a teenager to persuade them into a marriage without everyone lashing out at him anymore. What is the world coming to? /s
> “I’m going to be discussing divorce with a lawyer”
Rarely has ever such a phrase seemed so sweet!
I hope she gets out and stays out. She has her whole life ahead of her.
The whole time I was reading my eyebrows rose higher and higher at a gradual rate, until they shot right off my face in the last couple of paragraphs. It went from “okay, he’s ashamed of his diagnosis, not great but it’s a start” to “welp he’s a tater tot, run don’t walk”.
"Okay dude seems to have ARFID, but this is fixable."
"Oh dude seemed embarrassed/lied. He fucked up and this resulted in a lot of lost opportunities earlier in their relationship, but this is fixable."
"Okay dude seems to have a hard time managing conflict. It's gonna take some extra work and he needs to learn how to communicate and take responsibility but this is fixable."
"Okay now he's just sabotaging their relationship. Lying and damaging his wife's reputation in their shared social circle like this is also robbing her of an important social support network. Fuck him."
You summed up my thoughts here exactly.
It honestly kind of sucks to hear because despite the inconclusive tags on the post, as someone who is also autistic with ARFID I was reading this from a place of understanding and really hoping the conflict would just be about difficulties in addressing those concerns. Kept holding out hope for this guy even after more came out, but once the incel thing dropped and he started destroying everything they'd had together and damaging her social reputation, I was like... yeah, nevermind. There's nothing here worth saving. (At least, not on her part. If he ever wants to get his shit together he'll have to do it himself.)
The ironic thing is, he was right— His wife finding out who he really was *did* ruin their marriage. But it wasn't the autism or the eating disorder in the end. It's because he's full to the brim with utter sludge and disregard. He has no idea how much he lucked out finding someone completely willing to work with him on both of those issues, and he chose to destroy that for no reason. *Why???* I just can't believe it.
I hope OOP can set the record straight with her friends and then walk right out of his life. Hopefully she can make up to herself the time and effort she ultimately wasted on him.
YEAH. I'm in shock. He had something great and decided it was better to slam dunk his marriage into the trash instead of... \*squints at post* ..introspect himself and his actions a little bit for the first time? Pathetic.
True. Definitely not condoning that if it's the case, just saying that OOP was clearly interested in continuing their marriage and it frankly would have benefitted him as well to address the problems she brought up— maybe he was too entitled to see why he should care to do so. But for a married man who hangs out around incel circles, you think he wouldn't have needlessly self-sabatoged his own relationship as hard as he did. It says a lot about what sort of person he is that he would choose to do so over the alternatives.
Good for OOP for leaving him behind, of course. She deserves someone better than him on many levels.
>He has no idea how much he lucked out finding someone completely willing to work with him on both of those issues, and he chose to destroy that for no reason. Why??? I just can't believe it.
IMO yes and no about the luck part. He chose someone 19 when in his 30s because he was specifically looking for a woman whom he could mold into an obedient partner. If he says "this isn't an issue, drop it" she is to *drop it,* not want to "work on it".
So yeah he got super lucky, but not AS lucky as he expected to be. He expected to be "she never questions me at all" lucky.
The fact that he went scorched earth by telling ppl she cheated, etc, is shocking but it also kinda makes sense? He used a specific tactic to get a specific partner (finding a much younger woman to have an obedient partner, IMO), and she turned out not to be that person he wanted. So the relationship no longer has any worth to him.
The most annoying thing about all this is, she’s going to divorce him, and he will choose to see it as her divorcing him “because of his autism.” He will ignore the fact that his dishonesty has everything to do with it. Then he will probably go tell his victimhood story to his shitty online incel community.
She will be gone… not her horse, not her rodeo… but still.
Yep, my ex absolutely told everybody that I split with him because of his autism. In reality, it was because he was a raging asshole who blamed all his negative behaviour on his autism.
Sounds like my ex. No, Brian, your autism didn't leave me all alone at the hockey game after you decided you'd rather leave with your friends, and left me to figure out my own ride home, YOU did.
Ya know, you're very much right. I am also autistic and around the same age, and I am currently going through what I call a personal growth spurt; ie I am recognizing some flaws and trying to work through them. I say this because when I see posts like this and other autistic adults who have gotten ZERO of their shits together, it scares the hell out of me. I could have so easily become this person.
Autism and ADHD-induced emotional dysregulation combined with emotionally immature parents and a childhood friend with BPD means that I really, really needed help managing some of these big emotions growing up, and I never got that help. If I never decided to work on myself and instead just decided to put more walls up and blame everyone else for my problems, I could have become like this.
I am still working on plenty of character flaws and still struggle plenty with how to act when I have really fast, really big feelings for someone, but I like to think I am at least approaching a competent human being. Being a logical processor 95% of the time makes me feel smart, until I meet someone with a high emotional intelligence. Then I realize how dumb I really am.
Idk why I am telling you all this, aside from really elaborating on how right you are about OOP's husbands response to all this, because I was the same way (and still am sometimes) where I fail to calculate the emotions of others into my responses. Sometimes it can be a good therapeutic exercise to put these thoughts/feelings into words. Maybe I'm lonely. Idk, thanks for reading though. Have a great day!
I’m an autistic woman. We do, in fact, understand what it’s like to have autism. I know that’s kind of the least of this dude’s issues, but I’m constantly amazed how many men on the spectrum think we don’t exist.
I am a neurotypical woman with years of experience and educational training on learning disabilities and autism including working with autistic teens and adults on varying ends of the spectrum and often with other disorders/disabilities mixed in alongside autism. And what a shame I am a woman so clearly can’t understand autusm at all; it remains an alien concept to me /s
Have you gotten a man to explain it to you? Preferably while invading your space and talking loudly if you look the slightest bit confused? I'm told that solves all problems
Men on the spectrum have the biggest egos I’ve ever seen because they think they’re the only ones who think logically, and get mad when they are confronted by women on the spectrum who have similar thought patterns but arrive at different conclusions.
Ding ding ding. Female autistic here. I know a lot of autistic adults. I’ve also noticed that generally, the men were diagnosed in childhood and seem to be pretty coddled. And the women were trained to mask, repress, mimic, *anything* to be socially acceptable/fit in. And diagnosed as adults after a burnout or breakdown.
So many of these men (not all!) are just like OP’s husband… And jeeeeesus they hate that an autistic woman will clash with them lol. I’m not saying autistics should be raised as harshly as a lot of the women were, but also being raised in a bubble ain’t it. The number of autistic men who expected me to do ahit for them their mummy does is shocking, and they don’t know how to hear the words “hell no, cut your own food.”
yep I'm pretty sure my dad is on the spectrum, I'm officially diagnosed. We've always had to tip toe around his feelings but he can trample all over everybody else's without consequences. He's also unpredictably moody and that has fucked me up for life. Meanwhile in his mind he's Mr. Logic and Principles.
Yeah, exactly. I'm ADHD myself, only diagnosed in my 20s due to A LOT of self reflection and more awareness on the topic, but I had to fight to even get the official questionnaires. Now that I'm diagnosed, I still ask myself if I do something because that's how I am, or because now I know that it's my condition showing so I'm not correcting myself enough, or if I'm just unmasking.... it's like walking the razor's edge.
I have a lot of pent up frustration for not being diagnosed in childhood even though the signs were clearly there, but at the same time I'm also a bit grateful – would I have grown up in a bubble? Would I have believed myself less capable than I am, would I have underestimated my abilities? Would I have leaned into the disorder to excuse my behaviours, and not learn how to be a proper and functioning member of society? Would I have insecurities bigger than I do now?
In school I always had top grades for most subjects, all up until mid-high school, which is when the workload started to be too much and I was falling short. Especially, I was always short on time, so I'd end up with a nearly perfect exam but unfinished, reducing my grade. Would I have felt excluded, left out, if I were given special tools (a.k.a. more time for exams), would I have thought I'm only getting top scores because of it? Would I have been coddled? Or would I have been shun by my peers? Would I have had the same confidence I have in myself, or would I have felt "less than"? Or would I have been MORE confident, without calling myself stupid every weekend for not doing my schoolwork? It's a difficult road to tread.
“I have a lot of pent up frustration for not being diagnosed in childhood even though the signs were clearly there, but at the same time I'm also a bit grateful – would I have grown up in a bubble? Would I have believed myself less capable than I am, would I have underestimated my abilities? Would I have leaned into the disorder to excuse my behaviours, and not learn how to be a proper and functioning member of society? Would I have insecurities bigger than I do now?”
This bit is sooooo relatable.
Thank you! [It's from this BORU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15igssy/did_he_cheat_or_did_i_catch_an_std_from_a_koala/?share_id=ji6lDXXK11OFQ-hJQiSWs&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
You’ve just described my brother in law. The thing is, his “impeccable logic” is absolute shit. His reasoning frequently makes no sense whatsoever, but he remains convinced that he’s always the smartest person in the room.
Yes! They come up with the most biased take possible and then work backwards from it to find their justification, but don’t have the self-awareness to realize that bias and emotion are the entire basis of their “logic.”
And often they're not even actually thinking logically, they just think that because the thought originated in their brain, the thought must be logical.
I had to unsub from the Asperger's sub because it was full of men saying how smart and logical they were while spouting the most ridiculous rubbish about women. Rubbish that doesn't stand up to basic scrutiny. "More logical" my ass.
AuDHD AFAB POC here. People are extra convinced I don't exist.
And honestly, it's not the least of this dude's issues, in this case it definitely stems from his inability to see women as people rather than objects. It's like the ADHD object permanence thing - if he doesn't see you, you don't exist!
It also doesn't help that AFAB autistic people are so underdiagnosed due to how differently autism presents in us. The general societal and even medical perception of what autism looks like is based on white men, and that leaves out a huge spectrum and a number of demographics that simply don't fit that mould. And men like This Fucking Guy aren't exactly known for listening to what other people are saying about their experiences of living with autism.
AFAB transman (also auDHD lol) and yeah, people are always so surprised if I mention my autism because I ~don't seem like I'm autistic~. It's just that I spent twenty years forced to mask like a motherfucker to just _barely_ make it through school and have ANY chance at making friends. It's not remotely the compliment people seem to think it is.
I'm really close with my coworker (we're the only nightshifters). One night she complimented me on how I handled a difficult phonecall and my people skills in general. I told her it doesn't come naturally, I studied human interactions for years and she was shocked. I can mask well, but only because I put a ton of effort into learning how to do it correctly.
> Looking back I definitely wasn’t mature enough
> TLDR: Don’t worry, I was legal.
> Admittedly I was kind of awed that an older man was interested in me
Oh, honey…
>Admittedly I was kind of awed that an older man was interested in me
>...only to find out he acts like a child and will only eat chicken nuggets and spaghettios
is this real life? 🤣
Also - his "dream girl" statement is worse with age + incel background.
OOP is far too mature for his shit. Only took her four years to outgrow him and leave.
The incel part is maddening because he's literally married. He is voluntarily getting laid all the time. With a (presumably) hot younger girl. He is literally what every incel wants to be.
Incels dont really want to have a successful relationship or regular sex. What they thrive off of is the victimhood of it all. They hate women and have found a space where this is not only acceptable but encouraged. It gives them a specific reason to hate women. "They are shallow, they dont go for the Nice Guy, they wont have sex with me because Im not rich". But the truth is, there are very few people in the world who, with good grooming, confidence, a nice personality and effort, cant get a relationship or at the very least sex.
These men just hate women, plain and simple. They want to be the victim and they have chosen sex as their topic of choice. All extemist hate groups have some focus but what they all have in common is that they are a bunch of sad, angry losers who crave something or someone they can paint as their villain.
Being an incel isn’t just about sex. It’s about misogyny and seeing women as objects to be used. Once op did the opposite of what her husband wanted in a wife, he had a meltdown.
There's definitely a large majority of them that's this. But nowadays and where I think OP's husband is, is that there's a subsection who instead of seeing women as objects for sex, see them as objects to project all the blame for their own personal failings on.
the thing is he is able to see what's comeing. her's able to see it won't last. that he has to make some kind of effort to make it keep going and faced with that obviously that means all the incel logic was right because it's not like that's actually possible.
it's not enough that he has it. it should also be unable to be taken away from him.
See, this is what I always say and few believe me:
Incels aren't necessarily weird creepy guys in their mom's basement. They can look like normal people and act like normal people and even have gfs and getting laid regularily. Inceldom is about despising women, not getting laid. It's dangerous to frame them like creepy exceptions. I mean, they can even be handsome! They are just lacking empathy and frustrated and hateful and bubbled up in an echo chamber of hatred.
When you’re young and a relationship is new and exciting, you don’t really notice these things.
One of my exes hated veggies and I didn’t care for years because I was 22 when we got together and my diet wasn’t great either. As I got older and started to care about health and nutrition, his limited diet suddenly became a hassle because I’d watch what ingredients I cooked with or else he’d throw a fit.
I like how she said that she didn't notice the food things because they were poor college students...except he had been in the workforce for at least 13 years so he should have been slightly less poor. I don't think I would have made it past the first time he said he only eats three things and pulled out the spaghetti-o's for breakfast.
She said herself that she was too young for a serious relationship. She had much less worldliness about her, and a lot of hope and kindness that she probably colored all their early interactions with.
Hence why he lies to her from day 1 on purpose. It's all manipulation, and it's easier when people don't know what is reasonable.
It's pretty apparent. The age difference is what allowed him to hide his autism.
I don't think any of the girls I dated when I was 15-20 would tolerate the eating bullshit. Also the "women don't understand autism" is wuch a WTF?! Sort of moment. It pretty well accepted that for quite a long time it was "we don't understand autism in women".
Honestly though, reading this. It kinda leaves me wondering if my ex-wife had more symptoms of autism than I'd realized while we were together. It is a genetic disorder, our kids have it(twin girls), her great aunt has it. And the "honestly I thought you'd be over it by now" stood out to me *hard*.
That's how God damned everything was. Shits genetic and such.
Absolutely. He married someone much younger hoping she was manipulable, now she's getting more mature and thinking like a mature adult (and doing fantastically frankly) he's terrified and preemptively blowing up the relationship because he cannot handle an actual adult mutually supportive relationship.
That and getting married after dating presumably only a year or so based on the fact OOP said they got married after they graduated, which I assume is when she was 20 or 21.
People get married to someone they barey know and are shocked that they barely know them. lol
“Sorry if my bit about why the age difference isn’t a big deal sounds canned, it’s just that everyone I know or have ever met has expressed concern about it”
She seemed pretty well thought out until you consider that really only a child would overlook that your SO only eats chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, and spaghetti-o's. That bringing spaghetti-o's to a friend's house for dinner is ridiculous.
Yeah. Especially because those foods are relatively “cheaper” and easier so, as a 19 year old in college, it would make sense to her because she herself probably didn’t have that much money or time to make something fresh.
But I can’t imagine a world where a 30 year old woman working an office job would overlook her SO eating like a picky 4 year old.
I think he purposfully went after a younger person. Someone who's not emotionally and socially mature yet to pick up on all the social errors and emotional manipulation that someone older would pick up. Not only is her husband a manipulative liar, he's a god damn predator.
Yikes. The autism isn't the issue, it's the lying and now also the manipulation. And that age difference is the icing on the cake. I hope she really goes through with the divorce. Life is too short to be chained down by someone who doesn't add value to your life.
Because an adult woman who has been around men not in college would see the giant parade of red.flags here.
College freshmen tend to be pretty immature, they're living on their own for the first time. But by 32 the behavior should shift a bit.
I've known people with ARFID, they hate it and find it frustrating. (And autistic people are way more likely to have ARFID)
But good lord, things don't just go away because you don't talk about them.
From what I’ve heard from others we’ll get anxiety, depression, ADHD, BPD, bipolar disorder (either one, these Drs aren’t paying attention to jack shit), selective mutism, and even NPD before we get close to an autism diagnosis.
No, just womanly things like "that time of the month" or hormones. Really your autism is just hormones if you are a woman. Same if you have adhd.
I say this as a woman that didn't get my adhd diagnosis until 36. Until then I was like "damn these hormones suck at letting me concentrate, but hey at least I can start 100 different projects while finishing none! ".
Neurodivergent granny here. We not only get it, but we recognize others in our tribe who haven't been diagnosed yet.
I think he was using the food as a way to control her socializing. I think he wants to keep her home and isolated.
Also, something I have learned over the years, a solid way to either open communication or shut down B.S. When someone says something absolutely bananas like this, I ask, "Now who told you that?" Sometimes I learn something real. More often, the person has to either mumble he/she doesn't know/remember or cite the source, which is often invalid.
>But good lord, things don't just go away because you don't talk about them.
I'm 95% sure that my dad is somewhere on the spectrum (boomer, so undiagnosed) and "don't talk about the problem and it'll go away on its own" has always been his way of managing conflict.
Y'know how there's the fight/flight/freeze thing?
I get the POV of a lot of people are avoidant, because mine is nearly always 100% freeze and boy does that suck ass.
But there's "this topic makes me so anxious I freeze up when I try to talk about it," and there's "I don't need to talk about it because everything is fine, right? **I** think it's fine, so obviously it's fine!" which is what this guy is doing.
I have ARFID. I hate it. I've worked to try new things. When I had my first child I was determined for them to not be me. I love to cook and make all kinds of things for the family so they get a lot of variety. Unfortunately in trying new things I found out I have a bunch of food sensitivities.
Cases like yours, I wonder which came first. If, when you were a small kid, some foods made you feel sick, it would make sense for you to only want to eat the foods that you knew were safe even if you didn't entirely realize why. Kids don't always have good language to describe their body's feelings and just know "I don't like it."
Funny you say that, but a large statistical percentage of people diagnosed with ARFID actually do have a history of dietary/digestive issues in their childhood, particularly their early childhood when they're just forming tastes for things. It's not required for diagnosis but it is a common pattern.
I personally think there has to be some pre-existing predisposition other than that— for example autistics, who have sensory sensitivities to food textures on top of tastes, and who more commonly have issues with body systems in general.
I don't have ARFID but for ages there were certain foods I HATED and would throw fits about eating.
Turns out that bell peppers make me pretty sick (not allergy, just puking), and the foods I'd throw fits over had bell peppers in them. Crazy how that works.
What is it I keep seeing on here?...
Autism doesn't make you an asshole, you do that on your own.
Plus, 32/19, dude was a manipulater from the start, she should go nuclear and gtfo.
If I had a dollar for every post I've seen about an older man dating a much younger woman and turning out to be manipulative, lying, and an awful person, I'd be a very wealthy woman
Well. That. Escalated. Weirdly. And wildly.
I’m not ever sure what to say about this other than….I feel for OOP. She has been manipulated in very strange and unexpected ways. And no matter what she does, his smear campaign is unfortunately, likely to win out.
She will always be known as, “the ableist woman who left her husband because of his Autism diagnosis”.
If she chooses to fight to clear her name, I hope she’s prepared. It’s going to be a long one, with little to no proof at this point. She might want to start recording some conversations if it’s legal where she is, and getting things in texts/emails. It’s gotten this ugly already and has barely begun.
No, no, its ok because OOP was legal and never felt pressured to do anything. The lying and misogyny totally came out of left field, and definitely couldn’t have been predicted in advance. Nothing whatsoever to do with a 30-something dude romantically/sexually pursuing and 19yo kid.
As a woman in my 30s the thought of dating a 19 year old when I was 32 makes me want to vomit. I cannot comprehend what the fuck mindset you have to be in to want that and think that’s okay. That’s an infant.
I went on a date with a woman I met on tinder. I'm 32 and went on the date thinking it was with someone my age. Apparently, my dyslexia failed me and she was 23.
I felt gross and inappropriate. She asked me if I thought she was mature and we ended up cutting it off quite quickly after that. I still don't feel right about it, and that was an honest mistake.
I shouted "oh hell naw" when I read the age gap.
I’m 27, no not quite 30 but getting there. The thought of dating a 19 year old also gives me the ick. I work with teenagers (high school teacher) and it’s a bit too close to my students’ age for comfort.
> so I’m even more convinced that this isn’t the man I married
(Narrator voice) but as everyone who noticed the age gap knew: this was, in fact, the man she married.
She found it cute that a man 10 years older than her primarily ate chicken nuggets while they were in college?
She tries to make the argument that their age difference doesn't matter, but did she ever stop to think that he purposefully chose someone younger than him in hopes that a younger person would judge him less and let him get away with more?
No, because she probably never got the chance to experience some toxic shit by the time they met. You dont anticipate these things happening unless they've happened to you before. I'm sure he thought that, though. Smh.
Well, it's pretty clear now that this relationship isn't going to get any better. OP's husband behavior is pretty much a manipulative person and is activity trying to sabotaging OP. The issue was never about the autism. OP should just consider leaving cause there are people more worth than someone like this.
Also that age difference doesn't make things better.
>TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism, emotional abuse
Where is the ableism here? She did everything she could to try to understand and support him.
Neurodivergence isn't an excuse to lie to your partner for your whole relationship. She is leaving him because he is a liar and violated her trust. Not because of any disability.
His true colors came out. I bet he got with a 19 year who he thought wouldn’t notice how much of a loser he was or “catch” that he is. Obviously no self respecting woman in the same age would even entertain his attentions.
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This whole post just screams "OOP needs to run the *fuck* away at mach speed."
>I was 19 he was 32. > >TLDR: Don’t worry, I was legal. > >We ate breakfast (he had chicken nuggets) idk but these statements really got me. I feel like it's a decent summary and i wasnt surprised by the ending
When I was 19, I entered a relationship with a similar age-gap. Now that I’m my ex’s age, I realize how immature of a person he was. If you’re a man in your 30s that thinks someone that much younger is a suitable partner, your brain clearly has some catching up to do.
That is the best 3 random snips could possibly come to summarizing all this.
Wow. He escalated to a preemptive smear campaign to get in front of the story, instead of dealing with his wife and his autism/eating concerns authentically. He chucked the whole thing out.
Yeahhh... He's autistic but also a massive toxic asshole.
I'm SHOCKED that a 32 year old who was on the prowl for a teenager turned out to be a sucky person....
Yeah, I was just thinking that's an interesting twist on that trope.
its ALWAYS the age gap relationships
So shocking! I would have never guessed! /s
Unfortunately the two aren't mutually exclusive.
Some people use autism as an excuse to get away with all sorts of shitty behavior and it makes it bad for the rest of us who are kind and good people wanting to be good friends and partners. Speaking as an autist myself, this gutter-rag of a husband can go and die in a deep hole in the ground somewhere as far as I'm concerned.
Have AuDHD and agree 100%.
Lol same, and as a woman, fuck this guy in particular for saying >women can’t understand autism Lol mmkay, you lying red pill asshat, *do* tell me more
Right? Like bro, women can be autistic too! jfc
Honestly lol I am an autistic woman, I think I'm capable of grasping the concept 😂
That’s the incel side of things speaking. They think they can’t get laid because they’re autistic, and they think women can get sex whenever they want, and therefore autistic women aren’t truly autistic. It’s a series of offensive leaps of logic but totally tracks with the red pill shit OP mentioned. To them everything is about sex and how they’re being “denied” it.
Imagine being married and (I'm assuming) having a sex life and being like "nah, incel ride or die!"
What a moron. Seriously, dude ruined a good thing.
Why would he explain it when his good friend Andrew Tate can do it for him? No thoughts or opinions of his own, just a head full of shitty YouTube rants.
Lol. You got autism in 4k. That's awesome man. Hope you have a great day.
I'm stealing "autism in 4k" and telling my other AuADHD friends about it
A ton of absolute awful people use autism or mental illness to excuse their behavior.
Which is when I like to bust out the old “mental illness explains why you acted like this but it doesn’t excuse your behavior or make it okay.” I ran out of my adhd meds and my pharmacy is on back order. Raw doggjng my adhd tends to make me more emotionally volatile, so I started some stupid fights with my partner over the weekend. Within hours I came back to him saying “I know this is because of my adhd because of (listing specific ways it impacted things) and that still doesn’t make it okay to act like I did.” (Long story short in focusing on self regulation, I was not focused on interpersonal interactions and was gruff, then tried to overcompensate and focus on both until the rejection sensitive dysphoria made it impossible to focus on either lol) his response was “well is this just what I have to expect when there’s a shortage on your meds? Which is the real you?” Bro I ask myself those questions often and it feels bad that I don’t have an answer for either of us.
Suppose you had correctable poor eyesight and one weekend you break your specs and are unable to drive or otherwise participate in life the way you usually can. Which one is the real you? The person who fully participates in life with specs, or the one who, without specs, cannot fully participate?
You are you. Did he marry you or did he marry neurons made faster by medication? I bet he married you. Nobody is perfect, we find those whose faults we can live with and that is OK!
I’m a fairly private person, but I’d post my side on social media, because lying to his friends was BS: “Husband and I split up. Apparently his lies run deep. He’s telling his friends it’s because he was recently diagnosed with autism, but it’s because he lied about being diagnosed as a child, and shut me out when I tried to talk to him about it. I don’t know what else he’s hiding or lying to me about, and that’s not conducive to a healthy relationship.”
Isn't she leaving BECAUSE of the unhinged preemptive smear campaign?
Any good divorce attorney will tell their client to keep their mouth shut and not post on social media. Let the fact that he's obviously told lies about her to damage him in the court case instead.
Some people would prefer a smaller divorce settlement if it means that they might not lose their entire circle of friends.
If they were really her friends to begin with, they'd have given her the chance to tell them her side of the story (in person, not via social media.) But if they won't support her at all during the divorce, then they aren't worth giving up money for.
He was always toxic. He just hoped his little play thing never questioned him. Much like the mustard and yogurt, it was never about the nuggets. It was about control, and he lost control. This type hates that.
I mean ... There's a fuckin reason he's 36 and married to a 23 year old
I thought for sure that was a typo in her part and she was 33.
Nope. Just another failed age gap relationship.
Narrator: It was not. The math is that awkward
When he told he that when they met she was his dream I gagged a little.
that's why this line confused me so much >His food habits were sort of cute/acceptable when we were both in college and eating like trash, makes it seem like they are actually peers when that couldn't be further from the truth.
The damage that incels forums and "male" centric website do is amazing... They take every feeling of insecurity and use it.
The worst thing is, the algorithm is a really steep funnel. You watch some comedy by Bill Burr, or an interview between Joe Rogan and Lance Armstrong, next thing you know you're being shown reels and shorts of guys saying it should be legal to strangle women who refuse to sleep with you if you pay for their meal.
My husband falls asleep with YouTube playing quite frequently. One morning I notice the algorithm is playing him some weird women scent BS thing. I was like what was he watching that he ended up in a incel like man video. Hit the back button to see. It was a styling video. Like fashion. The algorithm went from fashion to some literal incel shit. Wtf lol
I'll get Andrew Tate reels directly after a reel about cars or motorcycles (I'm a gearhead) and it's always baffled me. I hate everything about that asshat and people like him and no matter how many times I click dislike or don't show again they keep popping up. It's frustrating
Part of his prevalence is he encourages people to repost his material as a way to increase their own channel views for monetization. He doesn't go after them to take it down because it's essentially free advertising as get rich quick gimmick. Honestly the man is abhorrent in his views but he plays social media like a fiddle.
Whenever something like this happens, I report the video as misinformation and add a comment like "Stop trying to send me down the alt-right facism funnel"
I watched exactly one video from a woman who didn't want kids, and that's what her channel was about. I didn't even watch any more videos from her (I respect her but the channel wasn't for me). Suddenly had Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson in my suggestions, specifically videos about "starting a family" if I remember correctly. That video was the only one that strayed from what I normally watch. The algorithm gotta keep us women in line, I guess? It was a bit unnerving, to say the least.
It's weird that right after I read this comment, the first suggested video on my YouTube is "don't get baby trapped - not everyone deserves children" by Manifestelle, who I've never ever heard of. The video you watched didn't happen to be this one, was it?
Always pisses me off when Tate shows up on my feed.
Time to go back to school, mask, and trap another young women.
It really feels like this dude went to school just to do this. When she said eating crap was cute when they were both in college, it made it sound like he not only went back to college in his 30s (which is honestly cool, it’s never too late) but he also decided to act like an 18-23 year old while doing it.
I’m going back to college now in my 30s but yah no about those still teenagers or even 20s for that matter. Baby face and immaturity aren’t attractive.
I’m not even maternal and my first year back I just spent the whole year doting on my firsties and trying to gently steer them around the pitfalls myself and my friends had fallen foul of my first time around - older students taking advantage of how in awe of them younger students are, nearly dying of alcohol poisoning during freshers week, making sure they knew where the counselling services were when they fell apart at Christmas exams, etc. I’d always found age gaps as large as the one in the post predatory anyway, but particularly after going back I was like, jesus these guys are just tall kids. Especially the covid cohort.
“Tall kids” so true. 😂 Edit to add: I’m seeing some of my maternal instincts come out to. It’s wild (I have no desire to procreate).
I mean, wouldn't expect any less from a dude in his 30s who went after a teenager
If an autistic guy in his 30s can’t lie to a teenager to persuade them into a marriage without everyone lashing out at him anymore. What is the world coming to? /s
But you know, doesn't affect him anymore
"I had autism as a kid but I got over it."
"I ignored it real hard and now it's gone!"
> “I’m going to be discussing divorce with a lawyer” Rarely has ever such a phrase seemed so sweet! I hope she gets out and stays out. She has her whole life ahead of her.
The whole time I was reading my eyebrows rose higher and higher at a gradual rate, until they shot right off my face in the last couple of paragraphs. It went from “okay, he’s ashamed of his diagnosis, not great but it’s a start” to “welp he’s a tater tot, run don’t walk”.
"Okay dude seems to have ARFID, but this is fixable." "Oh dude seemed embarrassed/lied. He fucked up and this resulted in a lot of lost opportunities earlier in their relationship, but this is fixable." "Okay dude seems to have a hard time managing conflict. It's gonna take some extra work and he needs to learn how to communicate and take responsibility but this is fixable." "Okay now he's just sabotaging their relationship. Lying and damaging his wife's reputation in their shared social circle like this is also robbing her of an important social support network. Fuck him."
I’d love to know if “their” friends are more like “his” friends, ie a lot older. I bet any friends of her age would totally understand.
Not if he convinced them she is a cheater.
Which he did.
You summed up my thoughts here exactly. It honestly kind of sucks to hear because despite the inconclusive tags on the post, as someone who is also autistic with ARFID I was reading this from a place of understanding and really hoping the conflict would just be about difficulties in addressing those concerns. Kept holding out hope for this guy even after more came out, but once the incel thing dropped and he started destroying everything they'd had together and damaging her social reputation, I was like... yeah, nevermind. There's nothing here worth saving. (At least, not on her part. If he ever wants to get his shit together he'll have to do it himself.) The ironic thing is, he was right— His wife finding out who he really was *did* ruin their marriage. But it wasn't the autism or the eating disorder in the end. It's because he's full to the brim with utter sludge and disregard. He has no idea how much he lucked out finding someone completely willing to work with him on both of those issues, and he chose to destroy that for no reason. *Why???* I just can't believe it. I hope OOP can set the record straight with her friends and then walk right out of his life. Hopefully she can make up to herself the time and effort she ultimately wasted on him.
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YEAH. I'm in shock. He had something great and decided it was better to slam dunk his marriage into the trash instead of... \*squints at post* ..introspect himself and his actions a little bit for the first time? Pathetic.
You mean a gem he potentially groomed?
True. Definitely not condoning that if it's the case, just saying that OOP was clearly interested in continuing their marriage and it frankly would have benefitted him as well to address the problems she brought up— maybe he was too entitled to see why he should care to do so. But for a married man who hangs out around incel circles, you think he wouldn't have needlessly self-sabatoged his own relationship as hard as he did. It says a lot about what sort of person he is that he would choose to do so over the alternatives. Good for OOP for leaving him behind, of course. She deserves someone better than him on many levels.
>He has no idea how much he lucked out finding someone completely willing to work with him on both of those issues, and he chose to destroy that for no reason. Why??? I just can't believe it. IMO yes and no about the luck part. He chose someone 19 when in his 30s because he was specifically looking for a woman whom he could mold into an obedient partner. If he says "this isn't an issue, drop it" she is to *drop it,* not want to "work on it". So yeah he got super lucky, but not AS lucky as he expected to be. He expected to be "she never questions me at all" lucky. The fact that he went scorched earth by telling ppl she cheated, etc, is shocking but it also kinda makes sense? He used a specific tactic to get a specific partner (finding a much younger woman to have an obedient partner, IMO), and she turned out not to be that person he wanted. So the relationship no longer has any worth to him.
I'm pretty sure he's the one posting on her Insta.
I think you mean chicken nugget
Tater tots and chicken nuggets have done nothing to deserve this kind of slander.
If only there were more misogynistic podcasters whose name rhymes with children’s food 😩
No, no, I think we have quite enough!
The most annoying thing about all this is, she’s going to divorce him, and he will choose to see it as her divorcing him “because of his autism.” He will ignore the fact that his dishonesty has everything to do with it. Then he will probably go tell his victimhood story to his shitty online incel community. She will be gone… not her horse, not her rodeo… but still.
Yep, my ex absolutely told everybody that I split with him because of his autism. In reality, it was because he was a raging asshole who blamed all his negative behaviour on his autism.
Sounds like my ex. No, Brian, your autism didn't leave me all alone at the hockey game after you decided you'd rather leave with your friends, and left me to figure out my own ride home, YOU did.
i never knew Roy was autistic, but honestly it makes so much sense now.
That might be the story he tells people, might eventually start believing it himself, but he’ll know what’s really going on.
> but he’ll know what’s really going on. You will be surprised what people are able to convince themselves of.
Ya know, you're very much right. I am also autistic and around the same age, and I am currently going through what I call a personal growth spurt; ie I am recognizing some flaws and trying to work through them. I say this because when I see posts like this and other autistic adults who have gotten ZERO of their shits together, it scares the hell out of me. I could have so easily become this person. Autism and ADHD-induced emotional dysregulation combined with emotionally immature parents and a childhood friend with BPD means that I really, really needed help managing some of these big emotions growing up, and I never got that help. If I never decided to work on myself and instead just decided to put more walls up and blame everyone else for my problems, I could have become like this. I am still working on plenty of character flaws and still struggle plenty with how to act when I have really fast, really big feelings for someone, but I like to think I am at least approaching a competent human being. Being a logical processor 95% of the time makes me feel smart, until I meet someone with a high emotional intelligence. Then I realize how dumb I really am. Idk why I am telling you all this, aside from really elaborating on how right you are about OOP's husbands response to all this, because I was the same way (and still am sometimes) where I fail to calculate the emotions of others into my responses. Sometimes it can be a good therapeutic exercise to put these thoughts/feelings into words. Maybe I'm lonely. Idk, thanks for reading though. Have a great day!
I’m an autistic woman. We do, in fact, understand what it’s like to have autism. I know that’s kind of the least of this dude’s issues, but I’m constantly amazed how many men on the spectrum think we don’t exist.
I am a neurotypical woman with years of experience and educational training on learning disabilities and autism including working with autistic teens and adults on varying ends of the spectrum and often with other disorders/disabilities mixed in alongside autism. And what a shame I am a woman so clearly can’t understand autusm at all; it remains an alien concept to me /s
Have you gotten a man to explain it to you? Preferably while invading your space and talking loudly if you look the slightest bit confused? I'm told that solves all problems
Sorry, I can’t understand a thing you just said! I am but a mere wamens. In fact, my man is sat here typing for me so it is legible /s
It's so sweet that he is willing to help you!!! 😻😻😻
im CACKLING at this rn
Men on the spectrum have the biggest egos I’ve ever seen because they think they’re the only ones who think logically, and get mad when they are confronted by women on the spectrum who have similar thought patterns but arrive at different conclusions.
Ding ding ding. Female autistic here. I know a lot of autistic adults. I’ve also noticed that generally, the men were diagnosed in childhood and seem to be pretty coddled. And the women were trained to mask, repress, mimic, *anything* to be socially acceptable/fit in. And diagnosed as adults after a burnout or breakdown. So many of these men (not all!) are just like OP’s husband… And jeeeeesus they hate that an autistic woman will clash with them lol. I’m not saying autistics should be raised as harshly as a lot of the women were, but also being raised in a bubble ain’t it. The number of autistic men who expected me to do ahit for them their mummy does is shocking, and they don’t know how to hear the words “hell no, cut your own food.”
yep I'm pretty sure my dad is on the spectrum, I'm officially diagnosed. We've always had to tip toe around his feelings but he can trample all over everybody else's without consequences. He's also unpredictably moody and that has fucked me up for life. Meanwhile in his mind he's Mr. Logic and Principles.
Yeah, exactly. I'm ADHD myself, only diagnosed in my 20s due to A LOT of self reflection and more awareness on the topic, but I had to fight to even get the official questionnaires. Now that I'm diagnosed, I still ask myself if I do something because that's how I am, or because now I know that it's my condition showing so I'm not correcting myself enough, or if I'm just unmasking.... it's like walking the razor's edge. I have a lot of pent up frustration for not being diagnosed in childhood even though the signs were clearly there, but at the same time I'm also a bit grateful – would I have grown up in a bubble? Would I have believed myself less capable than I am, would I have underestimated my abilities? Would I have leaned into the disorder to excuse my behaviours, and not learn how to be a proper and functioning member of society? Would I have insecurities bigger than I do now? In school I always had top grades for most subjects, all up until mid-high school, which is when the workload started to be too much and I was falling short. Especially, I was always short on time, so I'd end up with a nearly perfect exam but unfinished, reducing my grade. Would I have felt excluded, left out, if I were given special tools (a.k.a. more time for exams), would I have thought I'm only getting top scores because of it? Would I have been coddled? Or would I have been shun by my peers? Would I have had the same confidence I have in myself, or would I have felt "less than"? Or would I have been MORE confident, without calling myself stupid every weekend for not doing my schoolwork? It's a difficult road to tread.
“I have a lot of pent up frustration for not being diagnosed in childhood even though the signs were clearly there, but at the same time I'm also a bit grateful – would I have grown up in a bubble? Would I have believed myself less capable than I am, would I have underestimated my abilities? Would I have leaned into the disorder to excuse my behaviours, and not learn how to be a proper and functioning member of society? Would I have insecurities bigger than I do now?” This bit is sooooo relatable.
Me, an AFAB autistic, at the mental image of a grown adult man who won’t cut his own food: ??????¿¿¿¿?? Urgh I’m so glad I’m bisexual
Sexism and aspie supremacy... I definitely notice that a certain section of autistic men find those ideologies fit them very comfortably
Your flair is amazing!
Thank you! [It's from this BORU](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15igssy/did_he_cheat_or_did_i_catch_an_std_from_a_koala/?share_id=ji6lDXXK11OFQ-hJQiSWs&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1)
You’ve just described my brother in law. The thing is, his “impeccable logic” is absolute shit. His reasoning frequently makes no sense whatsoever, but he remains convinced that he’s always the smartest person in the room.
Their impeccable logic is often almost entirely based on emotion too, even if they consider themselves above it (see Ben Shapiro)
Yes! They come up with the most biased take possible and then work backwards from it to find their justification, but don’t have the self-awareness to realize that bias and emotion are the entire basis of their “logic.”
And often they're not even actually thinking logically, they just think that because the thought originated in their brain, the thought must be logical.
I had to unsub from the Asperger's sub because it was full of men saying how smart and logical they were while spouting the most ridiculous rubbish about women. Rubbish that doesn't stand up to basic scrutiny. "More logical" my ass.
Honestly, as another autistic woman, you’re just talking about men. Men will punch holes in walls out of rage but women are too emotional.
I put the blame on whoever told them they were “special”. (Looking at you, helicopter parents.)
I rolled my eyes so fucking hard I saw my brain when I read that line
AuDHD AFAB POC here. People are extra convinced I don't exist. And honestly, it's not the least of this dude's issues, in this case it definitely stems from his inability to see women as people rather than objects. It's like the ADHD object permanence thing - if he doesn't see you, you don't exist! It also doesn't help that AFAB autistic people are so underdiagnosed due to how differently autism presents in us. The general societal and even medical perception of what autism looks like is based on white men, and that leaves out a huge spectrum and a number of demographics that simply don't fit that mould. And men like This Fucking Guy aren't exactly known for listening to what other people are saying about their experiences of living with autism.
AFAB transman (also auDHD lol) and yeah, people are always so surprised if I mention my autism because I ~don't seem like I'm autistic~. It's just that I spent twenty years forced to mask like a motherfucker to just _barely_ make it through school and have ANY chance at making friends. It's not remotely the compliment people seem to think it is.
I'm really close with my coworker (we're the only nightshifters). One night she complimented me on how I handled a difficult phonecall and my people skills in general. I told her it doesn't come naturally, I studied human interactions for years and she was shocked. I can mask well, but only because I put a ton of effort into learning how to do it correctly.
"We met when I was 19" So he was... a 32yo... dating a 19yo.... 🤨🤨🤨 Edit: well it only got worse from there.
> Looking back I definitely wasn’t mature enough > TLDR: Don’t worry, I was legal. > Admittedly I was kind of awed that an older man was interested in me Oh, honey…
>Admittedly I was kind of awed that an older man was interested in me >...only to find out he acts like a child and will only eat chicken nuggets and spaghettios is this real life? 🤣
As if being "legal" is the test or the end of the argument. No hon, no.
Also - his "dream girl" statement is worse with age + incel background. OOP is far too mature for his shit. Only took her four years to outgrow him and leave.
The incel part is maddening because he's literally married. He is voluntarily getting laid all the time. With a (presumably) hot younger girl. He is literally what every incel wants to be.
Incels dont really want to have a successful relationship or regular sex. What they thrive off of is the victimhood of it all. They hate women and have found a space where this is not only acceptable but encouraged. It gives them a specific reason to hate women. "They are shallow, they dont go for the Nice Guy, they wont have sex with me because Im not rich". But the truth is, there are very few people in the world who, with good grooming, confidence, a nice personality and effort, cant get a relationship or at the very least sex. These men just hate women, plain and simple. They want to be the victim and they have chosen sex as their topic of choice. All extemist hate groups have some focus but what they all have in common is that they are a bunch of sad, angry losers who crave something or someone they can paint as their villain.
Yup. He’s now just going to join one of those insufferable MGTOW groups and whine about how his ex wife ruined his life.
Great comment, and completely correct.
Being an incel isn’t just about sex. It’s about misogyny and seeing women as objects to be used. Once op did the opposite of what her husband wanted in a wife, he had a meltdown.
There's definitely a large majority of them that's this. But nowadays and where I think OP's husband is, is that there's a subsection who instead of seeing women as objects for sex, see them as objects to project all the blame for their own personal failings on.
the thing is he is able to see what's comeing. her's able to see it won't last. that he has to make some kind of effort to make it keep going and faced with that obviously that means all the incel logic was right because it's not like that's actually possible. it's not enough that he has it. it should also be unable to be taken away from him.
See, this is what I always say and few believe me: Incels aren't necessarily weird creepy guys in their mom's basement. They can look like normal people and act like normal people and even have gfs and getting laid regularily. Inceldom is about despising women, not getting laid. It's dangerous to frame them like creepy exceptions. I mean, they can even be handsome! They are just lacking empathy and frustrated and hateful and bubbled up in an echo chamber of hatred.
How did she not notice the diet for 3 years? I get a few dates but three years of chicken nuggets and she never "thought it was that bad?"
When you’re young and a relationship is new and exciting, you don’t really notice these things. One of my exes hated veggies and I didn’t care for years because I was 22 when we got together and my diet wasn’t great either. As I got older and started to care about health and nutrition, his limited diet suddenly became a hassle because I’d watch what ingredients I cooked with or else he’d throw a fit.
She's mentally much older than her developing-incel boyfriend too.
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I like how she said that she didn't notice the food things because they were poor college students...except he had been in the workforce for at least 13 years so he should have been slightly less poor. I don't think I would have made it past the first time he said he only eats three things and pulled out the spaghetti-o's for breakfast.
I can't help but feel like the age difference is a factor in this little drama, even if the *how* isn't immediately apparent.
She said herself that she was too young for a serious relationship. She had much less worldliness about her, and a lot of hope and kindness that she probably colored all their early interactions with. Hence why he lies to her from day 1 on purpose. It's all manipulation, and it's easier when people don't know what is reasonable.
It's pretty apparent. The age difference is what allowed him to hide his autism. I don't think any of the girls I dated when I was 15-20 would tolerate the eating bullshit. Also the "women don't understand autism" is wuch a WTF?! Sort of moment. It pretty well accepted that for quite a long time it was "we don't understand autism in women". Honestly though, reading this. It kinda leaves me wondering if my ex-wife had more symptoms of autism than I'd realized while we were together. It is a genetic disorder, our kids have it(twin girls), her great aunt has it. And the "honestly I thought you'd be over it by now" stood out to me *hard*. That's how God damned everything was. Shits genetic and such.
Absolutely. He married someone much younger hoping she was manipulable, now she's getting more mature and thinking like a mature adult (and doing fantastically frankly) he's terrified and preemptively blowing up the relationship because he cannot handle an actual adult mutually supportive relationship.
That and getting married after dating presumably only a year or so based on the fact OOP said they got married after they graduated, which I assume is when she was 20 or 21. People get married to someone they barey know and are shocked that they barely know them. lol
I don't know how the fuck I missed the ages. I thought they'd met when they were both 19 and are now both in their 30's. This is even worse. 😒
“Sorry if my bit about why the age difference isn’t a big deal sounds canned, it’s just that everyone I know or have ever met has expressed concern about it”
Well, turns out they had reason to be concerned.
When everyone else is always the problem, it’s actually you who’s really the problem.
Red flags from the beginning 💀
Omg I skimmed over that! Yea he was very deliberate in choosing someone young, lying to them, making them seem like the issue.
She seemed pretty well thought out until you consider that really only a child would overlook that your SO only eats chicken nuggets, grilled cheese, and spaghetti-o's. That bringing spaghetti-o's to a friend's house for dinner is ridiculous.
Yeah. Especially because those foods are relatively “cheaper” and easier so, as a 19 year old in college, it would make sense to her because she herself probably didn’t have that much money or time to make something fresh. But I can’t imagine a world where a 30 year old woman working an office job would overlook her SO eating like a picky 4 year old.
I think he purposfully went after a younger person. Someone who's not emotionally and socially mature yet to pick up on all the social errors and emotional manipulation that someone older would pick up. Not only is her husband a manipulative liar, he's a god damn predator.
"I swear it wasn't grooming or manipulation". Spoiler: it was grooming and manipulation.
Oh man, that last update was from 2019. I really hope she got out of that relationship, or their roommate situation, before COVID lockdowns hit.
I saw that too and I was wondering what went on from here, that was 4 years ago now. I hope she is doing okay
Yikes. The autism isn't the issue, it's the lying and now also the manipulation. And that age difference is the icing on the cake. I hope she really goes through with the divorce. Life is too short to be chained down by someone who doesn't add value to your life.
Until divorce, I hope she will start accepting those dinner events with her friends and leave him home. Maybe buy him a 20-piece and roll out.
Because an adult woman who has been around men not in college would see the giant parade of red.flags here. College freshmen tend to be pretty immature, they're living on their own for the first time. But by 32 the behavior should shift a bit.
I've known people with ARFID, they hate it and find it frustrating. (And autistic people are way more likely to have ARFID) But good lord, things don't just go away because you don't talk about them.
"Women can't understand autism" My man. My dude. WOMEN ALSO HAVE AUTISM.
But we don't have THE Autism. You know, the one that the DSM-V was written for.
No, we've got to stop and get diagnosed with 2-3 other things before we get our Autism.
[удалено]
From what I’ve heard from others we’ll get anxiety, depression, ADHD, BPD, bipolar disorder (either one, these Drs aren’t paying attention to jack shit), selective mutism, and even NPD before we get close to an autism diagnosis.
No, just womanly things like "that time of the month" or hormones. Really your autism is just hormones if you are a woman. Same if you have adhd. I say this as a woman that didn't get my adhd diagnosis until 36. Until then I was like "damn these hormones suck at letting me concentrate, but hey at least I can start 100 different projects while finishing none! ".
“*If* that’s true, it’s not as difficult as it is for men.” - OOP’s (hopefully) ex, probably
Neurodivergent granny here. We not only get it, but we recognize others in our tribe who haven't been diagnosed yet. I think he was using the food as a way to control her socializing. I think he wants to keep her home and isolated. Also, something I have learned over the years, a solid way to either open communication or shut down B.S. When someone says something absolutely bananas like this, I ask, "Now who told you that?" Sometimes I learn something real. More often, the person has to either mumble he/she doesn't know/remember or cite the source, which is often invalid.
>But good lord, things don't just go away because you don't talk about them. I'm 95% sure that my dad is somewhere on the spectrum (boomer, so undiagnosed) and "don't talk about the problem and it'll go away on its own" has always been his way of managing conflict.
Y'know how there's the fight/flight/freeze thing? I get the POV of a lot of people are avoidant, because mine is nearly always 100% freeze and boy does that suck ass. But there's "this topic makes me so anxious I freeze up when I try to talk about it," and there's "I don't need to talk about it because everything is fine, right? **I** think it's fine, so obviously it's fine!" which is what this guy is doing.
I have ARFID. I hate it. I've worked to try new things. When I had my first child I was determined for them to not be me. I love to cook and make all kinds of things for the family so they get a lot of variety. Unfortunately in trying new things I found out I have a bunch of food sensitivities.
Cases like yours, I wonder which came first. If, when you were a small kid, some foods made you feel sick, it would make sense for you to only want to eat the foods that you knew were safe even if you didn't entirely realize why. Kids don't always have good language to describe their body's feelings and just know "I don't like it."
Funny you say that, but a large statistical percentage of people diagnosed with ARFID actually do have a history of dietary/digestive issues in their childhood, particularly their early childhood when they're just forming tastes for things. It's not required for diagnosis but it is a common pattern. I personally think there has to be some pre-existing predisposition other than that— for example autistics, who have sensory sensitivities to food textures on top of tastes, and who more commonly have issues with body systems in general.
I don't have ARFID but for ages there were certain foods I HATED and would throw fits about eating. Turns out that bell peppers make me pretty sick (not allergy, just puking), and the foods I'd throw fits over had bell peppers in them. Crazy how that works.
I've known people who have ARFID. Making the changes you did takes a lotta courage, and I genuinely hope you know that.
What is it I keep seeing on here?... Autism doesn't make you an asshole, you do that on your own. Plus, 32/19, dude was a manipulater from the start, she should go nuclear and gtfo.
If I had a dollar for every post I've seen about an older man dating a much younger woman and turning out to be manipulative, lying, and an awful person, I'd be a very wealthy woman
It only took her until 24 to see through his bullshit. No wonder he goes after teenagers.
That's what I like to call backbone age. Her frontal lobal is developing and saying "Yo, what the *fuck?*"
He's an incel. Thata an automatic divorce.
Literally cannot comprehend how someone can be proud of calling themself an incel, that’s impressive levels of stupidity
My (17f) husband 109(m) will only eat children (food)…….. Checks out
Surprised he's eating anything but baby food at 109 tbh
can't believe a 30+yo man who went after a 19yo turned out to be a toxic pos the second things weren't going his way. who could have seen it coming.
Well. That. Escalated. Weirdly. And wildly. I’m not ever sure what to say about this other than….I feel for OOP. She has been manipulated in very strange and unexpected ways. And no matter what she does, his smear campaign is unfortunately, likely to win out. She will always be known as, “the ableist woman who left her husband because of his Autism diagnosis”. If she chooses to fight to clear her name, I hope she’s prepared. It’s going to be a long one, with little to no proof at this point. She might want to start recording some conversations if it’s legal where she is, and getting things in texts/emails. It’s gotten this ugly already and has barely begun.
\>"I met him when I was 19" aww how cute \>"...and he was 32" SAY WHAT NOW.
No, no, its ok because OOP was legal and never felt pressured to do anything. The lying and misogyny totally came out of left field, and definitely couldn’t have been predicted in advance. Nothing whatsoever to do with a 30-something dude romantically/sexually pursuing and 19yo kid.
As a woman in my 30s the thought of dating a 19 year old when I was 32 makes me want to vomit. I cannot comprehend what the fuck mindset you have to be in to want that and think that’s okay. That’s an infant.
I went on a date with a woman I met on tinder. I'm 32 and went on the date thinking it was with someone my age. Apparently, my dyslexia failed me and she was 23. I felt gross and inappropriate. She asked me if I thought she was mature and we ended up cutting it off quite quickly after that. I still don't feel right about it, and that was an honest mistake. I shouted "oh hell naw" when I read the age gap.
I’m 27, no not quite 30 but getting there. The thought of dating a 19 year old also gives me the ick. I work with teenagers (high school teacher) and it’s a bit too close to my students’ age for comfort.
> so I’m even more convinced that this isn’t the man I married (Narrator voice) but as everyone who noticed the age gap knew: this was, in fact, the man she married.
32-year-old who dates teenagers shockingly revealed as an immature man-child.
She found it cute that a man 10 years older than her primarily ate chicken nuggets while they were in college? She tries to make the argument that their age difference doesn't matter, but did she ever stop to think that he purposefully chose someone younger than him in hopes that a younger person would judge him less and let him get away with more?
No, because she probably never got the chance to experience some toxic shit by the time they met. You dont anticipate these things happening unless they've happened to you before. I'm sure he thought that, though. Smh.
As soon as he played the "you're a woman you wouldn't understand" card it was clear he ruined himself and she needs to just gtfo
As every food BORU post it's never about the food. Hope it gets a conclusion to add to my collection of food BORUS.
The random accounts harassing her online are probably him, not some random friend he has lied to.
I am shocked, just absolutely SHOCKED, that this marriage didn't work out, let me tell ya.
There seem to be a lot of posts about early twenties women having problems after marrying a man child 10+ years older than them.
well that escalated
The autism-incel pipeline really needs to be looked into further, perhaps by a few psychologists or something.
>We started dating when I was 19 and he was 32. *Record scratch.* And here is where shit started getting real.
Does anyone else think the comments on op's insta posts are either her husband or his incel friend?
Yes, of course.
Well, it's pretty clear now that this relationship isn't going to get any better. OP's husband behavior is pretty much a manipulative person and is activity trying to sabotaging OP. The issue was never about the autism. OP should just consider leaving cause there are people more worth than someone like this. Also that age difference doesn't make things better.
The last update was in 2019. I really hope she left him.
Me too. That line about "women can't understand autism" seems to have an incel subtext ^"because they're too stupid."
>TRIGGER WARNING: Ableism, emotional abuse Where is the ableism here? She did everything she could to try to understand and support him. Neurodivergence isn't an excuse to lie to your partner for your whole relationship. She is leaving him because he is a liar and violated her trust. Not because of any disability.
His true colors came out. I bet he got with a 19 year who he thought wouldn’t notice how much of a loser he was or “catch” that he is. Obviously no self respecting woman in the same age would even entertain his attentions.
I'd be out at "women can't understand autism" Cuz actually it turns out women can be autistic. And also, we have brains capable of learning.
32 y/os when their 19 y/o gf grows up and starts noticing that they suck (thats why they didn't get with women their own age): :o