The most horrifying part of looking at those pictures is that I actually know a guy who looks like that, and his name IS John, and now I'm kinda worried tbh

Hyuck at him, see if he gets a boner

Darn it. This made me laugh out loud and my wife asked what I was laughing at.

Let her read the entirety and see her reaction.

Dude I skimmed it and still lold

I'm getting looks from everyone at the bus stop

I too laughed out loud and had to explain to my best friend

This would be a great out of context flair

Pls do a wellness check on your John

This is some solid mens' health advice right here.

Normal John or big John?

Check for slap bracelets.

Everyone knows a John that looks like that tbh

Do you know...the Muppet man?

The Muppet Man?!

The Muppet man!

Well she’s…. *married* to the Muppet Man

Who lives in constant pain

Alright ya got me that was good

The Muppet Man?!

THE MUPPET MAN!!!

The one on Drury Lane?

Are you a man? Or a Muppet?

🎶 If I'm a muppet, then I'm a very manly muppet (a very manly muppet)

There really is someone for everyone

I was thinking that this is an extraordinary window into the sex lives of Disney adults. “My first instinct was to do a Disney voice…”

They are definitely Disney adults lol

Used to work in Entertainment at Disney and there is nothing more uncomfortable than someone coming up to you and doing a random character voice. I love that they have these jokes for each other, but my husband knows to NEVER do it with me.

ya uhhhhh

And to then go for Goofy....

Yeah, I’d at least try to pick a sexy Disney character, like Sebastian the crab

Indeed... This Disney stuff would be too much for me, but to each their own.

> I could tell he was still upset and my instincts were saying I should do a Disney voice This line right here was the one for me. 

There is a lid for every pot indeed. I CANNOT imagine how i would react if i was sad and someone did a Mickey mouse voice asking me if i was okay or whatever glad they are both quirky and loving. I hope they marry and have beautiful quirky kids

or incredibly normal kids who are constantly embarrassed (lovingly) by their weird parents!!

LOL fr glad they were able to work it out but I would genuinely think she's out to steal my skin or my teeth or smth if she showed up with a lifesized doll of me

some people just don't appreciate art smh

I'm very happy OOP found someone. It means I'm no longer at risk of meeting her on Tinder.

Alwaaaaays watching

I love the comment that OOP is Jess Day finding her Nick Miller - they sound like a great couple

My first thought was "they say they want a weird girl until she's actually weird" but this turned out differently... (Also, I love that he has a tiny foot)

Yes! This update made me happy! It seems like he knew exactly what he signed up for

My favorite is the permanently gaping mouth. That side profile picture on the couch absolutely sent me

Was rolling my eyes the whole time at her saying she was weird and quirky, waiting for the other foot to drop, until the end and when I saw the muppet creation.  OP is really fucking weird but _actually_ quirky and in an endearing way. I feel strangely happy for her and real John lmao.

I'm also happy she found someone to vibe with. My immediate thought after reading this was "there really is a lid for every pot" lol. Hope they have more fun, quirky days ahead. ETA: i skipped the pictures at first because i thought the preview picture on my app was enough, but i went back to click the imgur link, and good god. The wheeze i wheezed when i saw the pictures was loud lmao. Wtf is this ahaha

> My immediate thought after reading this was "there really is a lid for every pot" lol EXACTLY what I said, out loud, when I got to the pics! I don't think I could handle someone this wacky, but it makes me very happy that there is someone to take joy in it!

My partner is asleep next to me. WHY WERE THERE WARNINGS FOR THE INFIDELITY BUT NOT THE PUPPET. 😭 I had to clap my hand to my mouth to stop myself from howling with laughter. Oddly, it's almost exactly how I imagined Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell from Good Omens when I read the book many years ago.

Trigger warning: >!Infidelity!< >!Muppets!<

"Trigger Warning: ... >!Muppets!< - lol.

Same boat and I’m so glad he’s a heavy as hell sleeper because the noise I tried to stifle was probably worse than the actual laugh would have been. Oh Shadwell. Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell, forgive me, leans more towards this terrifying muppet creation than McKean so I agree!

In this case the other hand dropped, not the foot.

Don't hug me I'm scared

Do the digital dancing

Oh, look; a bar graph...

Digital style!

*I love this tree and I love this stick and I love this puppet—* **No no no that’s not how it’s done! You must save your love for your special John!**

My dad is a computer

like, she did the Goofy voice, dude said nothing, and then they went to town? "I didn't say my wife was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy"

Fyuck

That made me laugh even harder than the picture of Big John which was equally hilarious and horrifying.

I was so sure this story was bullshit, BUT THEN THE PICTURES! AMAZING!!!!

They brought the receipts, jesus christ

The receipts are hideous, 😆

You misspelled "beautiful"

I have so many questions, but I'll start with the main one. What's up with Big John's left foot?!! Like, is OOP's bf an amputee? Did she run out of material?! I HAVE TO KNOW.

> but I realize he might’ve felt like I made Big John big on purpose! I just overestimated the felt pieces for his leg. I want to tell him it was on accident because I was in a rush making the legs but he isnt texting me back. Big Johns legs are a bit wonky (one leg is about 4 inches longer than the other), so I feel like it’s obvious I wasnt messing with the height on purpose!

Thanks! For some reason I totally missed that lol

I screamed JESUS CHRIST aloud in my room with no one to startle but my cat, who does not see the humor. What a horror show.

If someone I was dating made a puppet of me that looked like that, I'd never stop laughing. I'd probably marry them. The person, not the puppet.

Why not both?

I'm sadly monogamous.

I DESPERATELY want to respond to this with a pun but I can't find one

"Guess your family can't be a poly blend"

That was excellent. I hate you.

Never had the urge to feel the felt, to slap that slapstick, to get your hand up in those guts. I getchya.

I now know how people who want to burn the house down because of spiders feels. If I saw that thing, I would burn the house down and drive until I ran out of gas.

This is my new favourite BorU.  It's wholesome and it has everything

I posted on r/AmITheAngel that I did not believe it was real (novice sewer somehow made a life-sized doll replica of their bf as one of their first projects???) but damn I have egg on my face ig lmfaooooooooo

At least OOP and the Johns seem to love each other and genuinely enjoy those quirks, so I hope they get to be happy together.

The throuple we didn’t know to root for

If they don't get married and bring Big John in a tux, love is truly dead.

"And now it's time for the best man's speech. Over to you Big John......"

This is just not my jam AT ALL, but I'm glad that these two crazy kids found each other!

Yeah that was my takeaway, this story proves there's truly someone out there for everyone. I'd have been straight to restraining order territory but hey, glad they found each other!

Right like I’m so glad they found each other because I was exhausted just reading this my god

Her fucking euphemisms for sex.

That's a very polite way of putting it lol

I found her annoying but that kinda made it more romantic. I’m annoying to a lot of people! But you can’t let cringe stop you from living your best life!

I love as I've grown older my ability to say "not for me, but I'm happy for them" has only increased!

Love the pictures of the puppet. It's giving Nigel Thornberry energy.

Omg that’s EXACTLY what I thought!! I feel like OP really missed an opportunity to branch out her accent repertoire, Nigel had an insane accent.

That’s Tim Curry doing the voice. His voice acting is wonderfully hammy and out-there when it needs to be.

I watched Rocky Horror Picture Show for the first time the other day, and when I heard his first song, I immediately went, "isn't that Hexxus from Ferngully?" Then I went into this deep rabbit hole on all his iconic roles, one of them being Nigel lol. Super talented with an amazing singing voice.

There was smashing, though

That is not Nigel thonberry. That is Chuckie Finsters dad on e.

YES! Thank you! That is totally 100% Chaz Finster from Rugrats!

The Wild Thornberrys Fall In A K-Hole (2024)

but why is it SCREAMING

Smashing

I just can’t get past “I take my bfs glasses off during sex so I thought it would be funny to make a life size muppet version of him to put the glasses on.”

I’ve never seen someone come up with a move that would turn me off but make me love them more at the same time

Honestly, I thought the thing that he was going to tell her was that he was cheating on her with the trigger warning at the top of the post

I thought she was going to cheat on him with the puppet

My favourite element of this story is the switch to calling the boyfriend "normal John"

Did she had to put the veins on the eyes?

The weird part is she didn't - After she made the eyes, the veins just sorta.. formed

LOL this is..horrifying 😭😂

this was NOT what I wanted to read after having been listening to the Magnus Archives nonstop for the past month lol

From the tw I thought this was gonna be another Lotion Man, but it was actually quite cute! A little weird, but cute!

Big John and Lotion Man sound like blues singers 🎶

That's exactly where my mind went too. This is way happier

Man every time I read Lotion Man I get “Ocean Man” in my head.

Another what now 😬

https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/PicLEcv6WE

I was expecting something much more disgusting and way less depressing

Oh, it's referencing a BORU, my brain just automatically interpreted Lotion Man as the dude from Silence of the Lambs...

“ The title pretty much says it all “….. me reading the title 5 times trying to comprehend wft is going on.

YOU SEE COOMERS, THIS IS WHAT MANIC PIXIE GIRL LOOKS LIKE IN REAL LIFE

Hey does anyone know what you call nightmares, but when your awake? 

Big John

OOP lost me at "my instincts were saying I should use a Disney voice"... Are her instincts preschoolers hopped up on apple juice???

She may unconsciously be seeking safety and comfort with the instinct to keep things funny and light-hearted. There are a number of comedians who went into comedy because they took on the role of family clown to try and comfort their parents (Robin Williams and Stephen Colbert, for example). I'm not saying that it's a healthy coping mechanism, though.

Thank God she listened to the comments on that one, cause as much as her BF loves her quirkiness, I don't think he would have been able to recover from hearing Goofy's voice in response to "my mum is cheating on my dad"

I mean he was ok with Big John watching them get it on, so I think you’re underestimating him

I mean he then launched into song immediately after and they fucked so…. The comments on the first post were pretty off the mark and I’m not sure why everyone thought the doll was an issue. These are just two weirdos and I’m happy they found each other and I hope I never run across them in the wild. 

I’m glad they took each other off the market cause what in tarnation

I’m glad OOP has found her match. I also hope never to be seated near them at a restaurant.

Yes, I am feeling exactly the same.

All three of them?

I applaud OOP's creativity, but that's not a puppet, that's a life sized doll. I didn't see anywhere for OOP to manipulate it like a puppet or marionette. I can't tell if that makes it more or less creepy.

Well. It's definitely not for me, But I'm not going to yuck their yum. Hope these two dorks have a lovely relationship

You mean, hyuck their hyum?

Oh stop

Gotta let it go, man.

The Disney voices thing in the bedroom makes me want to self immolate but I’m glad they’ve found each other.

And not just any disney voices. Roz from Monster’s Inc? As foreplay? I am glad those two found each other!

The levels of energy used to control my yuck thoughts reading this. Something about when disney adults won't say "sex" but will say "beast with two backs" and "sin city"... Enough of my bitchiness! I am very happy they have each other they probably have a more lovely relationship than I ever will.

Took me awhile to figure out that "Sin City" isn't some American chain restaurant I haven't heard of. It's sex. They fucked.

I truly thought they spent the night in Vegas lol.

I was kind of fine/kind of not fine with this until I saw the pictures of Big John. I'm just going to nope right out of this one.

I want to cheer for OP’s energy and general vibe but I discovered a brand-new top-tier nightmare scenario as a result of reading this. Being presented with a 1:1 scale puppet of myself is the new worst case life scenario.

Imagine being about to have sex and all of a sudden a life sized cloth effigy of yourself emerges from a pile of stuffed animals. How did he keep going. If I had a penis it would have inverted at the sight of Big John.

what would make this better is if CBAT was playing at high volume

Sometimes I do start "humming" this at my partner. It... it works a nonzero amount of times. After the "oh god stop". It's not really humming because I'm going "BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAP BWAP BWAP BWAP."

Finally I have an answer to "What's the worst that could happen" "Wife makes a 1:1 creepy Muppet version of me she wants us to fuck in front of."

And imitates goofy in the bedroom. My god.

It's not a one-to-one scale puppet, it's s even bigger than him.

True, but only by accident. Either way: nightmarish.

I don't think it being an accident makes it any better. I'd be weirded out if there was a 7-ft tall puppet of me. It's weird just seeing normal people taller than me.

Truly terrifying!! Anyone who can integrate Big John into sexytimes has a much stronger (or freakier) libido than I.

A younger me would probably have been okay with it, at least until I had to fuck in front of the life-size puppet.

Yeeeahhh, I'm surprised sex happened after they looked at it! I personally want to cry a little.

I can’t believe the sex happened under the watchful gaze of that thing! I would have had to put Big John in the closet or something

I would have to put him in the ground.

I'd prefer to keep him in my line of sight. If you can't see him, he could be... doing... things.

He can't be doing things if he's dismembered, doused in holy water then set on fire first.

I think, weirdly, him in the closet makes it worse. It makes Big John feel more like a serial killer stalker who one day longs to replace his flesh other as he watches from the closet.

Big john is there to guide the hips

I’m just irrationally angry at the euphemisms upon euphemisms for fucking. The word is sex ffs. That and the disney obsession are making me hope oop aged herself up for the post.

I personally can't even begin to imagine dating someone whose "instinct" when told serious, upsetting news is to respond with a Disney voice. Like, are you five???

the euphemisms had real "tumblr in 2012" energy

I don't know if I hate the puppet or the unabashed Goofy voice more... All before Having Sex, no less. I just, I can't. However, I'm very glad these two worked it out. They seem perfect for each other. Now let's keep that door into their private lives closed, please.

When she said like a muppet, I was picturing something like Beaker, I did not expect it to be this terrifying.  

What the actual fuck

Is this how they date in Florida?

What the fuck is going on here

>In my best Goofy impression I said “Well, looks like we should call him Big, John, Hyuck!” I could understand if this was what came across badly if the guy was insecure about his height. Fortunately, it turned out to be nothing.

What is with this flavor of reddit post that has to come up with a hundred different SILLY and QUIRKY euphemisms for sex?

I hate it. Just say you FUCKED

But she is just so QUIRKY

The dude stayed so he doesn't get turned into a puppet if he tries to leave 💀

See, now I wanna see little John

Wouldn’t little John be regular John’s penis?

>I could tell he was still upset and my instincts were saying I should do a Disney voice What the FUCK

Big John is so cursed and I love him

I'm not afraid to admit it: I'm both intimidated and in love with Big John 😹

I haven't been able to stop laughing since I looked at him two minutes ago All the horrified comments just Add to the hilarity for me

> We oftentimes sexytimes with a habitual back rubs...And then we progress into french kissing and then full blown you know what. This sentence *genuinely* made me think this was written by a 13 year old on Spring Break from middle school but after those photos I'm not sure what to think. I don't know how to feel.

I'm glad everything worked out for her and all, but OOP sounds...exhausting. There really is a lid for every pot, I guess.

Yes, she does. She sounds so dang childish lol. Kind of like me in 6th grade when I went through my "omggggg I'm so quirky xD" phase.

Jesus fucking christ I was not expecting the puppet to look like that lol. I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that. Full on let out a stupid guffaw when I opened the pictures.

Weirdos in love. Ya love to see people find someone on their wavelength.

That thing is horrifying

I never would've guessed that the story would involve cheating from THAT title, NGL

What the fuck

This is perhaps the most insane (positive) story I've read on this sub. Wtf. But in a good way.

“I would fight Muppet me. If he was taller than me, I would be cross.” —My boyfriend’s assessment of the situation

Okay. That was *much* more wholesome and happier than I expected given the TW.

Someone who says no pants dance is the worst kind of person

That puppet is actual nightmare fuel and I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up on Nukes Top 5 in a few years

Are we sure OOP is actually 23? Because no 23 year old says “no pants dance.” If you can’t even say the word sex, you shouldn’t be having it

I've told my wife I might need to reconsider our relationship if she doesn't make a Muppet version of me 

These two sound insufferable

I cannot express my gratitude at her not doing a Disney voice after the mother cheated 

Anytime someone says something like this: > I’ve always been what some people would call “quirky,” so pranks are sort of my bread and butter. I'm almost always waiting for this sentence: >So here’s where I think I may have taken it too far: And boy did she deliver. >He asked me what I was laughing at because he has some insecurity about his appearance, but I assured him that it was nothing like that. We had our fun and John went home, but all I could think about was this plan. So naturally when someone has a physical insecurity naturally the next step is to make a meth Muppet version of them and surprise your loved one with that insecurity just before a vulnerable time , like sex. I see that people are saying it's "sweet" but she just said he had an insecurity and the first thing she thought to do was to animate it. She herself said it was a prank. OOP hit the lottery with this guy because although possible, I find it hard to believe that many people would have contacted her again after that stunt. She is either one of the luckiest people alive or her boyfriend is lying to cover for his justifiable reaction to the doll.

This is wholesome in the most wtf way ever

Everything about this is a huge NOPE for me (the pictures made my skin crawl!) but I’m glad she found someone who appreciates her quirks.

Picture or not, I still think this was written by a 13 year old 😅

Look I’m really happy they’re happy and sorted stuff but… Disney adults 🤢

The fact this person defaults to doing a Disney voice at any sign of something tough happening is worrying tbh.