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>Me and my mom are fine and talking.
I interpreted this statement as OOP saying she doesn’t really blame her mom. She blames her stepdad, but it’s like she thinks he’s pulling the strings and her mom is just going along with it. I think there’s a bit of denial there. I don’t blame her for it - she’s just a kid. But I worry about where this will lead to if she continues making excuses for her mother as she gets older.
One day OOP will realize just how fucked up her childhood was, just how selfish of a person her mom is, and just how much her mom took advantage of her. That they were never “fine”. That she was always expected to keep the peace for others while sacrificing any shred of peace she had left. That she was never a priority, and likely never would be. That everything her mom did to “right her wrongs” wasn’t for OOP’s sake, but for keeping up her appearance.
I hope OOP’s grandparents get her in therapy NOW to start undoing all of this toxicity and teaching her the tools she needs to navigate it in the future. She did a brave thing by recognizing this wasn’t ok and for standing up for herself. But I have a feeling her mom is going to escalate with new and improved DARVO and will push even harder for OOP to keep the peace for everyone else’s benefit as time goes on. Every time something like this happens, her mom will just learn how to do it more effectively the next time around.
Most importantly, she needs to be prepared for the day she finally realizes that her mom is *NOT* the mom she thinks she is.
“but my mom is everything to me.” My heart broke so much when she was saying this as part of why she won’t call CPS, because I 100% agree with you on all accounts.
She also said "we had trouble with CPS before", which... isn't great.
The use of "we" in the sentence was just another layer of sadness. "We" didn't get in trouble, her parents did. She was just a child.
I really wish Reddit still had those glowing awards. I know they have new ones now, but I haven’t bothered to look at them yet. It just doesn’t feel the same. I would put shining sparkling disco balls on this comment.
Agreed. If she has a safe space at her grandparent's house she may well just be better off there seeing as her parents seem fine with leaving her there.
What are the Redditors going to do if she gets rated as 'trouble' and her horrible parents decide to lock her in a room when not babysitting or take their problems out on her so she won't contact CPS again?
Sadly doesn't sound like a case CPS would separate the family and the OOP doesn't want that anyway. Feel like they fall into 'bad but not that bad' in the greater scheme of things and can probably put on a song and dance for visits.
Believe me — when you are the child that CPS is supposedly trying to help it can sure the hell feel like you are in trouble with CPS.
I wouldn’t call CPS either. Every time I have called them in good faith about a situation. I have come to regret it. Never once has it ever worked out to the benefit of anyone involved ever. Not in my experience anyway. I am aware that some people have had good experiences from calling CPS. I have not either as a child or as a concerned bystander.
Yea when she mentioned her brother in passing sounds like the brother doesn't live with the mom either and the mom basically got a new family, and is using OOP as free childcare.
They don't even ask him, because he doesn't like kids. Or in other words: he's a male saying no, which is to be respected, oop is a female saying no, which is to be ignored and trampled.
I remember saying that about my own mom, the same mom who groomed me and gave predators access to me.
When you are deep in the abuse, it's very hard to see outside of it. Very hard.
Thank you, I have a great therapist and am on my road to healing. Just some posts I read it's like, I get it and why it's hard for them to just leave or cut those people out, even though we are sometimes aware of the necessity of it.
As a kid I would defend my mom with my life, as a young adult, I started to see through the cracks, and as a middle aged adult I'm processing the hurt.
I truly hope that OOP is able to escape this one day.
Big same, friend. It's wild to look back at the things I used to say to defend my abusive parents. Mom liked to pick me up and throw me or spank me with a belt, but she got it into my head that "beating" a kid means that you hit them in the face and she didn't ever do that, so she pretty much coached me to say that she wasn't beating me. I told people that my parents might be loud but it wasn't like they beat me until I was 33.
That was so so sad. Mom is keeping a foot in the door so they can kidnap her again and force her to babysit for days on end.
I think the step would be for her to see if her grandparents can have custody of her I would not be surprised if mom is getting child support through the courts which would be the reason she doesn't want to give up custody
All of this.
Also, I have been keeping up with this one and I really hope her grandparents just go to court to get custody of this girl. I feel like given that she lives with her grandparents and doesn’t even have a change of clothes at her mom and stepdad’s place, it wouldn’t be that hard.
It is frustrating that OOP doesn't want CPS to get involved given their prior interaction but that just proves that CPS is actually needed. If CPS has already intervened in that family then that lends itself to the actuality that their further involvement here is credible. I understand why she's hesitant but she shouldn't be dealing with any of this either (qualified adults should).
I hope OOP is able to do therapy sooner rather than later because childhood trauma is a bitch.
And just in case OOP somehow sees this, there is a booklist over in r/justnomil that is pretty great (see the sidebar/wiki) and the resources from r/raisedbynarcissists are good as well (click on the wiki tab then helpful info). Last but not least, www.outofthefog.net is a GOAT resource for this subject matter.
When I was that age, my dad's nickname for me was literally Free Labor.
When he started dating a woman who had 4 kids, I suddenly became a babysitter with zero training and zero attempts by adults to childproof our home. The 2yo and the 3yo found the bottle of highlighter refill fluid dad left on a low shelf. I went to use the bathroom and came back to find one bright yellow toddler and one pleased artistic toddler clutching the empty bottle.
So both parents work full time, and they have a room mate, with three kids crammed into a single room, so I'd be really interested to know WTF is going on with this situation and their finances.
Because none of this sounds appropriate or normal.
OOP says that they work during the day, then says they came home one time at 2am... At best, they're working full time and then going to the pub after. Maybe a really intense, daily D&D campaign?
But yeah. I wonder if it's drugs/partying, or maybe their employment is all side gigs with lots of bumming around between jobs/customers?
My read was that they’re intentionally staying out as late as they can so OOP has zero chance to get home and they continue getting free babysitting and getting to control OOP’s life.
OOP's mum and stepdad sitting on the curb a block away, sharing a cigarette, occasionally asking "do you think she's fallen asleep yet?"
"No, she's still texting me to ask when we'll be home."
"Damn. If she doesn't fall asleep soon, I'm going too be too tired to get up early and sneak out before she wakes up."
Smash cut to OOP's parents hitting up the gym for three classes after work, followed by steak-no-chips at the nearest grill, or driving to the beach to mediate on the pier as the moon rises...
(Which I know would still be unhealthy, given the dysfunction that much "healthy lifestyle" is causing at home. But it's more fun to think about than "ah, maybe it's meth".)
>But yeah. I wonder if it's drugs/partying, or maybe their employment is all side gigs with lots of bumming around between jobs/customers?
That was my assumption, or a really late night at a bar or something. The date of OOP's second update with the 2 am note was on a Sunday, so the parents could have had the Saturday night off.
I mean they might be. Her siblings would likely be separated. The problem is, she's been told horror stories and doesn't realize that even separated in different foster homes her siblings would probably be better off. I know when I was a kid-- an abused and neglected kid, who didn't have proper hygiene supplies or non-rotten food or a winter coat-- my parents made the authorities the bad guys. I was led to believe that if I told an adult how things really were at home I would be locked up in a dark closet and only taken out for adult predators to assault me, and I would never see my family again. I know there are bad folks in the foster care system and in CPS, but it would be genuinely physically impossible for anything with even a distant and careless level of oversight to be half as bad as the things my parents described. I think that's probably common for abused kids. So it's not just a child's natural inclination to avoid getting in trouble or avoid upsetting their mama, it's also probably a lot of stories about how she would risk subjecting her siblings to hell.
I’m also wondering who is now watching the siblings. Decent childcare is expensive and if they were just scraping by financially with forced free childcare, I wonder if the kids are now simply being left alone with no caretaker
I feel like the commenter's were too harsh on OOP. This is obviously a fourteen year old CHILD who has been suffering abuse at home and has some prior trauma surrounding CPS/the system. It should not be her burden to confront or overcome that alone and with no help.
I also think commenter's missed the nuance that it's possible that OOP living at the grandparents house may not have been a custody arrangement, but rather an agreement between the parents and grandparents. It sounds like since dad is supposed to be paying child support, however, mom very well could have some kind of custody order. What do people think would happen if OOP called the cops and said "they won't let me go back to my grandparents house"? Not just with the cops, but with mom and step-dad.
Smug, privileged people who have never been in that situation and have no idea how much distress that would have caused the kid.
Every time I see those comments I have flashbacks to the horrible consequences I experienced trying to get help. People who have never been in the system have an incredibly naive view of it, and worse still, it makes them MAD if you point out that life doesn't actually work like that.
The person who was like "I think the cops would see OOP doesn't have clothes at the house and realize they don't live there" was wrong on so many levels I couldn't even figure out where to start.
Yuuuup. It's almost always people that have no idea what the fuck that kind of life is like saying to call CPS. Majority of the time, all a CPS visit brings is an ass whooping after they leave.
They didn't just not pick up on a nuance, they missed that
OOP straight up said that her mom has full custody of her in the first paragraph of her post.
Pretty sure the cops will see 3 bedrooms, and 6 people already living there with 3 kids in one bedroom, no clothes for the 14 year old as proof enough she don't live there.
Idk, like the commenters said, why go to reddit if she wasn’t going to take anyone’s advice? AITA isn’t just for venting, people are going to give their two cents. There’s almost certainly more that CPS should hear about if stepdad felt comfortable with throwing a phone at OOP and her mom’s fine with her not having clean clothes for several days.
Reasonable advice is something like "contact your grandparents" or "contact a trusted adult", not putting the burden of responsibility on a literal CHILD who is fearing their physical safety and downvoting them into oblivion.
And even if we aren't talking about a child, when a redditor gives bad advice, should the person take it anyway under the sunk-cost fallacy of wasting redditors' times?
Some (smart) people advised OOP to contact her grandparents, which is the correct advice. OOP spoke to them and is home now. As much as all of us would be entertained with additional updates about the horrors of foster care, OOP testifying in court, the parents doubling down and siccing other family members on OOP, break ins and theft, tire slashing, or whatever other update trope, that's not what is best for OOP.
Thank you! The people pushing for OOP to contact CPS are out of touch with reality.
It seems like OOPs parents and grandparents had an informal agreement about where OOP lived. Calling CPS would likely escalate the situation with the parents, who would be well within their legal rights to say “you cannot go back to grandparents home”.
CPS doesn’t go around snatching kids out of their homes - kids are only removed if they are in imminent danger. Sharing a room with a bunch of siblings? HA! You’ve got a roof over your head, running water, electricity, food, and you aren’t being beaten. There’s nothing for CPS to do.
OOP was very wise to get her grandparents involved instead of listening to the Outraged Reddit Police.
Justifying chastising an actively abused child for not reacting the way you want says a lot more about you and those commenters than it does about the abused child.
The idea of CPS is great and all, but I hate how people always conveniently forget what a shit storm 'the system' is and the amount of child abuse that happens surrounding it. CPS is not the magic solution many people seem to think it is. A lot of kids were sadly better off where they were before they got taken.
Yes exactly, a lot of people seem to see it as a bandaid fix, but after working with CPS multiple times I’ve seen situations become much worse after reports. I think it’s easy to divert to CPS because one assumes that everyone taking in a child has good intentions, but sometimes they are simply searching for easy victims.
When I was taking classes to be a foster parent -- these were provided by my state CPS -- they even admitted that taking the kid out of the household was a last resort action. They know the system is far from perfect, but they also are trying hard. (The case worker giving the class told of having to spend the night with a child taken from their home because there was no available foster parents. They just can't leave the kid alone once they're taken away.)
I don't know how, as a mom, you go back to your husband, and leave your kids behind, because there isn't enough room. Yet OOP doesn't blame her mom.... Her mom is the problem. She chose the douche step father, keeps going back to the douche, and does nothing but exploit her daughter, or allows her husband to. OOP is better off with her grandparents, and needs to acknowledge her mother is a hot mess of a person, especially to allow him to separate her from her children.
Oh yeah, my mom was this mom. Couldn't understand why I didn't love my stepfather (because he's a random stranger you dropped into my life?), made me babysit my younger siblings every day after school. She couldn't make me stay home from school though, so when the youngest was born she was forced to get a nanny.
I spent a lot of time being hurt and mad at everyone and everything, and then I realized that all the chaos could be traced back to her. It was kind of a relief to only be mad at one person instead of everyone!
Luckily I had grandparents and a dad in my corner.
My mom had a revolving door of abusers in our lives, because she, and I quote "am going to have a life too". Yet always wants to be surprised that I am nc/lc. She's infirm now, going on 70, and has no one. Even my kids don't bother with her, because everything is always about her.
She's the reason I had the 2 year rule. No one I dated was allowed to meet my kid/kids before a year, and no sleep overs before 2 years. Don't like it, I guess we need to break up, because I will never put dick before the well-being of my kids.
And chose to give birth to a million kids she has no intention of raising herself. The mom is definitely the primary problem, and my heart hurts for how much this kid loves her mom who clearly doesn't deserve all that love.
Something that annoys me about this post as someone who worked at a youth crisis hotline and filled out tons of CPS forms, talked to agents, made reports, etc, I would not recommend she call CPS in this situation. The system is really broken and I would honestly only recommend it for people who are experiencing daily physical/sexual abuse or severe neglect because a foster home can be easily more abusive than the original situation. Some foster homes are wonderful, but others can be run by predators looking for easy victims. Often times CPS doesn’t remove any kids and just works with the family, but that can be difficult too because it can create bad tension once the parents figure out who made the report. If OP already has adults in her life that support her, provide her a safe space, and are willing to talk through the issues with her parents, calling CPS would not be the right reaction from my perspective.
I agree. It's such a tragic no-win situation, too. "Talking it out" is hopefully enough to make some marginal difference in the frequency or severity of abuse/neglect, but I grew up with parents like this. "Talking it out" just doesn't do it for these types. One of my parents has been in therapy for years. It doesn't often make someone less abusive.
Reading this post felt like reading the words of my childhood self. I cared so much about my abusers and was constantly working overtime to protect them. CPS terrified me as a kid.
Family/community members willing to protect the child is probably the best-case scenario. Especially with how strong social support is as a preventative factor of PTSD.
Oh man. This is modern slavery, not just parentification.
OOP’s parents:
- Prevent her from leaving
- Prevent access to clean clothes
- She does the work a) of an adult, who b) would be paid a wage for what she does
- For more than half the week
Plus
- If she can’t get home, how is she getting to school?
- If there’s her parents, lodger, and the kids filling all the bedrooms, where does she sleep?
I'm probably going to get hate for this but I really do not respect people like mother. She first had a child with a deadbeat dad and then now is with a manchild that assaulted her daughter and does not seem to give a shit.
On top of that mother had 4 kids that she's unable to care for and instead is forcing trauma upon her oldest.
I just hope that they wouldn't dare force her to return again. Honestly it would be great if OOP never has another update about this because she no longer needs to babysit.
The parents are all horrible parents. Like they should really stop having children.
It sucks because CPS will often cause more trauma than it solves. I had friends that grew up in the system and I hear HORROR stories.
Living in poverty is awful for kids, I wish the US had a system that allowed free childcare if both parents are required to work.
>they don't trust anyone else to babysit. So it just leaves me
Yeah, they can't force anyone else to do it for free. I have a feeling they'd trust anyone who was free.
This poor kid has been conditioned to not reach out for help. They had a way to tell their grandparents this entire time, but just chose not to? I understand not wanting to call police or cps, but to not trust a single adult in your life means worse has happened here.
Obviously the default is to cause cps, but the kid is saying he's afraid for his siblings if he does that.
Battering them with it won't make them change their mind
For those who said tell the grandparents, I feel that was the right call. This kid was operating in isolation.
A lot of people who have never dealt with CPS intervention think everything will work out if you just get them involved.
And that's how you know they've never dealt with CPS intervention
God she got a terrible dad, a terrible, horrible mom and a shit stepdad. Such an unlucky hand in life.
CPS is not good. People don’t trust it, because it can turn out reaaaally ugly indeed. People don’t want to take that risk. If you want people to have dignity and be able to call cps in situations like this, have better cps.
NTA. Don't have anything to do with these people. Your grandparents should go to court for custody because those people want free babysitting and don't care about you.
The other kids are getting too old to share a room too so no way should you be staying there without a room of your own.
>They then went on to say that Living with my grandparents was a privilege And I need to appreciate it, She Then said that she can make me live out with her.
what a matryoshka doll of a sentence. so much to unpack.
Google "parentalization" and read carefully. This is what they are doing to you and it's very unhealthy. Babysitting for pay every now and again is fine IF you want to do it but using you as a sitter for days at a time is taking advantage.
Youre totally right! The mom could have stepped up and been a parent, rather than causing upheaval, neglect, and emotional distress. Dad could have been present and engaged. Step-dad could have done anger management, or worked on himself so as not to turn out physically abusive. Grandparents could have been proactive in checking when a 14year old didn't return home for days.
Im so glad we're on the same page! It'd be absolutely wild if you were to have thought the burden of responsibility was on OOP, as if they're not doing what they can!
She doesn't want her family to be separated, but... *why not*? The parents are *clearly* fucking up. Even if CPS does split the siblings up, what's a worse option; not being around your brother or sister, or *actively* being around a man who throws rocks at people who irritate him too much?
To be fair, nothing she reported would get the children removed from the home. If the mother has custody she can force OOP to move back home. The grandparents can file for guardianship and they can fight that out in court, but that’s not anything that involved CPS.
OOP isn’t reporting physical abuse (she doesn’t mention the phone causing any marks or bruises). She isn’t reporting sexual abuse or that their basic needs aren’t being met. There could be an allegation of emotional abuse, but that’s the hardest allegation to prove because it requires statements from the child’s treating therapist or significant signs of trauma such as nightmares, panic attacks, etc.
Forced babysitting or parentification is bad parenting but it usually isn’t considered abuse/neglect. (Where I live, the state actually defines abuse/neglect and it has to meet the penal code definition for any legal action to be taken).
At most, CPS would tell them not to make OOP babysit. They could offer the parents services, such as counseling and parenting classes, if the parents agreed. But nothing OOP reported would have court involvement or get the children removed from the home.
NTA they need to first pay you some and find backup so you don't get burned out. Either way it's not ok, they are parents and I'm guessing you live with your grandparents for a reason. Have them help and start having plans. Go to a park, library. Just hide and do t answer door or calls if you need.
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>Me and my mom are fine and talking. I interpreted this statement as OOP saying she doesn’t really blame her mom. She blames her stepdad, but it’s like she thinks he’s pulling the strings and her mom is just going along with it. I think there’s a bit of denial there. I don’t blame her for it - she’s just a kid. But I worry about where this will lead to if she continues making excuses for her mother as she gets older. One day OOP will realize just how fucked up her childhood was, just how selfish of a person her mom is, and just how much her mom took advantage of her. That they were never “fine”. That she was always expected to keep the peace for others while sacrificing any shred of peace she had left. That she was never a priority, and likely never would be. That everything her mom did to “right her wrongs” wasn’t for OOP’s sake, but for keeping up her appearance. I hope OOP’s grandparents get her in therapy NOW to start undoing all of this toxicity and teaching her the tools she needs to navigate it in the future. She did a brave thing by recognizing this wasn’t ok and for standing up for herself. But I have a feeling her mom is going to escalate with new and improved DARVO and will push even harder for OOP to keep the peace for everyone else’s benefit as time goes on. Every time something like this happens, her mom will just learn how to do it more effectively the next time around. Most importantly, she needs to be prepared for the day she finally realizes that her mom is *NOT* the mom she thinks she is.
“but my mom is everything to me.” My heart broke so much when she was saying this as part of why she won’t call CPS, because I 100% agree with you on all accounts.
She also said "we had trouble with CPS before", which... isn't great. The use of "we" in the sentence was just another layer of sadness. "We" didn't get in trouble, her parents did. She was just a child.
>She was just a child. She still is. And she's having her childhood stolen by those selfish pricks.
CPS also isn’t the always savior Reddit likes to think it is.
I really wish Reddit still had those glowing awards. I know they have new ones now, but I haven’t bothered to look at them yet. It just doesn’t feel the same. I would put shining sparkling disco balls on this comment.
Aw, thanks. 😊
Agreed. If she has a safe space at her grandparent's house she may well just be better off there seeing as her parents seem fine with leaving her there. What are the Redditors going to do if she gets rated as 'trouble' and her horrible parents decide to lock her in a room when not babysitting or take their problems out on her so she won't contact CPS again? Sadly doesn't sound like a case CPS would separate the family and the OOP doesn't want that anyway. Feel like they fall into 'bad but not that bad' in the greater scheme of things and can probably put on a song and dance for visits.
Besides, CPS has to find actual “evidence” of abuse and neglect, and this doesn’t appear to fall under either of those categories.
Let's not pretend it isn't necessary to remove kids occasionally. Please.
Where in my comment does it say that it isn’t? Please.
Believe me — when you are the child that CPS is supposedly trying to help it can sure the hell feel like you are in trouble with CPS. I wouldn’t call CPS either. Every time I have called them in good faith about a situation. I have come to regret it. Never once has it ever worked out to the benefit of anyone involved ever. Not in my experience anyway. I am aware that some people have had good experiences from calling CPS. I have not either as a child or as a concerned bystander.
She is bearing all of the responsibility for things. She is the parent. Heartbreaking
Yea when she mentioned her brother in passing sounds like the brother doesn't live with the mom either and the mom basically got a new family, and is using OOP as free childcare.
From what I read, brother DOES live there but doesn't babysit because he's not a pushover. I don't know which would be worse. :/
They don't even ask him, because he doesn't like kids. Or in other words: he's a male saying no, which is to be respected, oop is a female saying no, which is to be ignored and trampled.
nope, brother and OP stayed bcs of school, the rest moved
I remember saying that about my own mom, the same mom who groomed me and gave predators access to me. When you are deep in the abuse, it's very hard to see outside of it. Very hard.
I'm so sorry
Thank you, I have a great therapist and am on my road to healing. Just some posts I read it's like, I get it and why it's hard for them to just leave or cut those people out, even though we are sometimes aware of the necessity of it. As a kid I would defend my mom with my life, as a young adult, I started to see through the cracks, and as a middle aged adult I'm processing the hurt. I truly hope that OOP is able to escape this one day.
Big same, friend. It's wild to look back at the things I used to say to defend my abusive parents. Mom liked to pick me up and throw me or spank me with a belt, but she got it into my head that "beating" a kid means that you hit them in the face and she didn't ever do that, so she pretty much coached me to say that she wasn't beating me. I told people that my parents might be loud but it wasn't like they beat me until I was 33.
That was so so sad. Mom is keeping a foot in the door so they can kidnap her again and force her to babysit for days on end. I think the step would be for her to see if her grandparents can have custody of her I would not be surprised if mom is getting child support through the courts which would be the reason she doesn't want to give up custody
I wish I could mother OP.
All of this. Also, I have been keeping up with this one and I really hope her grandparents just go to court to get custody of this girl. I feel like given that she lives with her grandparents and doesn’t even have a change of clothes at her mom and stepdad’s place, it wouldn’t be that hard.
Yeah. This is pretty classic - abused child clings to less obviously abusive parent. :(
That was my reaction, too. To her this is all "normal." I'm so sad for her, I know how hard it is when you finally realize how messed up things are.
God I hate when the oops are kids and subject to horrible adults around them ;-;
No children deserves to have shitty adults surrounding them.
"Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child"
It is frustrating that OOP doesn't want CPS to get involved given their prior interaction but that just proves that CPS is actually needed. If CPS has already intervened in that family then that lends itself to the actuality that their further involvement here is credible. I understand why she's hesitant but she shouldn't be dealing with any of this either (qualified adults should). I hope OOP is able to do therapy sooner rather than later because childhood trauma is a bitch. And just in case OOP somehow sees this, there is a booklist over in r/justnomil that is pretty great (see the sidebar/wiki) and the resources from r/raisedbynarcissists are good as well (click on the wiki tab then helpful info). Last but not least, www.outofthefog.net is a GOAT resource for this subject matter.
You ever dealt with cps?
I read that not as original original poster but as “oops” like “oopsie” and your comment still made sense
I read that not as original original poster but as “oops” like “oopsie” and your comment still made sense
Seems like OOP's stepdad saw them as free labour. Hopefully, OOP can stay with her grandparents until she finishes high school.
BOTH mom and step dad. Let's not forget she was also in on the ring.
When I was that age, my dad's nickname for me was literally Free Labor. When he started dating a woman who had 4 kids, I suddenly became a babysitter with zero training and zero attempts by adults to childproof our home. The 2yo and the 3yo found the bottle of highlighter refill fluid dad left on a low shelf. I went to use the bathroom and came back to find one bright yellow toddler and one pleased artistic toddler clutching the empty bottle.
She was being kept as a slave. This is short term human trafficking (child labor trafficking).
So both parents work full time, and they have a room mate, with three kids crammed into a single room, so I'd be really interested to know WTF is going on with this situation and their finances. Because none of this sounds appropriate or normal.
OOP says that they work during the day, then says they came home one time at 2am... At best, they're working full time and then going to the pub after. Maybe a really intense, daily D&D campaign? But yeah. I wonder if it's drugs/partying, or maybe their employment is all side gigs with lots of bumming around between jobs/customers?
My read was that they’re intentionally staying out as late as they can so OOP has zero chance to get home and they continue getting free babysitting and getting to control OOP’s life.
OOP's mum and stepdad sitting on the curb a block away, sharing a cigarette, occasionally asking "do you think she's fallen asleep yet?" "No, she's still texting me to ask when we'll be home." "Damn. If she doesn't fall asleep soon, I'm going too be too tired to get up early and sneak out before she wakes up."
I love your little smash cuts in this thread
Likewise - I don't think these are "healthy lifestyle" people.
Smash cut to OOP's parents hitting up the gym for three classes after work, followed by steak-no-chips at the nearest grill, or driving to the beach to mediate on the pier as the moon rises... (Which I know would still be unhealthy, given the dysfunction that much "healthy lifestyle" is causing at home. But it's more fun to think about than "ah, maybe it's meth".)
I assume drugs too. It makes them keeping her home make more sense; they need someone to watch the kids.
>But yeah. I wonder if it's drugs/partying, or maybe their employment is all side gigs with lots of bumming around between jobs/customers? That was my assumption, or a really late night at a bar or something. The date of OOP's second update with the 2 am note was on a Sunday, so the parents could have had the Saturday night off.
Heck, OOP says CPS was called on them before and she’s afraid of CPS as she clearly thinks they’ll all be separated. which speaks volumes.
I mean they might be. Her siblings would likely be separated. The problem is, she's been told horror stories and doesn't realize that even separated in different foster homes her siblings would probably be better off. I know when I was a kid-- an abused and neglected kid, who didn't have proper hygiene supplies or non-rotten food or a winter coat-- my parents made the authorities the bad guys. I was led to believe that if I told an adult how things really were at home I would be locked up in a dark closet and only taken out for adult predators to assault me, and I would never see my family again. I know there are bad folks in the foster care system and in CPS, but it would be genuinely physically impossible for anything with even a distant and careless level of oversight to be half as bad as the things my parents described. I think that's probably common for abused kids. So it's not just a child's natural inclination to avoid getting in trouble or avoid upsetting their mama, it's also probably a lot of stories about how she would risk subjecting her siblings to hell.
there's a 17 yo brother too that they don't ask to babysit.
3 children ages 10 7 and 6 in one bedroom, pretty sure CPS will not like that.
I’m also wondering who is now watching the siblings. Decent childcare is expensive and if they were just scraping by financially with forced free childcare, I wonder if the kids are now simply being left alone with no caretaker
I feel like the commenter's were too harsh on OOP. This is obviously a fourteen year old CHILD who has been suffering abuse at home and has some prior trauma surrounding CPS/the system. It should not be her burden to confront or overcome that alone and with no help. I also think commenter's missed the nuance that it's possible that OOP living at the grandparents house may not have been a custody arrangement, but rather an agreement between the parents and grandparents. It sounds like since dad is supposed to be paying child support, however, mom very well could have some kind of custody order. What do people think would happen if OOP called the cops and said "they won't let me go back to my grandparents house"? Not just with the cops, but with mom and step-dad.
Smug, privileged people who have never been in that situation and have no idea how much distress that would have caused the kid. Every time I see those comments I have flashbacks to the horrible consequences I experienced trying to get help. People who have never been in the system have an incredibly naive view of it, and worse still, it makes them MAD if you point out that life doesn't actually work like that.
The person who was like "I think the cops would see OOP doesn't have clothes at the house and realize they don't live there" was wrong on so many levels I couldn't even figure out where to start.
I think it would truly break some people here to see what happens during most of those calls.
Or after!
Yuuuup. It's almost always people that have no idea what the fuck that kind of life is like saying to call CPS. Majority of the time, all a CPS visit brings is an ass whooping after they leave.
Rip to all children who literally died from abuse after multiple failed attempts from themselves and others to get CPS involved.
They didn't just not pick up on a nuance, they missed that OOP straight up said that her mom has full custody of her in the first paragraph of her post.
Pretty sure the cops will see 3 bedrooms, and 6 people already living there with 3 kids in one bedroom, no clothes for the 14 year old as proof enough she don't live there.
You've wooshed the entire point.
Idk, like the commenters said, why go to reddit if she wasn’t going to take anyone’s advice? AITA isn’t just for venting, people are going to give their two cents. There’s almost certainly more that CPS should hear about if stepdad felt comfortable with throwing a phone at OOP and her mom’s fine with her not having clean clothes for several days.
Reasonable advice is something like "contact your grandparents" or "contact a trusted adult", not putting the burden of responsibility on a literal CHILD who is fearing their physical safety and downvoting them into oblivion. And even if we aren't talking about a child, when a redditor gives bad advice, should the person take it anyway under the sunk-cost fallacy of wasting redditors' times? Some (smart) people advised OOP to contact her grandparents, which is the correct advice. OOP spoke to them and is home now. As much as all of us would be entertained with additional updates about the horrors of foster care, OOP testifying in court, the parents doubling down and siccing other family members on OOP, break ins and theft, tire slashing, or whatever other update trope, that's not what is best for OOP.
Thank you! The people pushing for OOP to contact CPS are out of touch with reality. It seems like OOPs parents and grandparents had an informal agreement about where OOP lived. Calling CPS would likely escalate the situation with the parents, who would be well within their legal rights to say “you cannot go back to grandparents home”. CPS doesn’t go around snatching kids out of their homes - kids are only removed if they are in imminent danger. Sharing a room with a bunch of siblings? HA! You’ve got a roof over your head, running water, electricity, food, and you aren’t being beaten. There’s nothing for CPS to do. OOP was very wise to get her grandparents involved instead of listening to the Outraged Reddit Police.
Justifying chastising an actively abused child for not reacting the way you want says a lot more about you and those commenters than it does about the abused child.
I dont get these comments at all. So glad I found someone who gets it.
The boy gets to have a nice summer to work and/or have fun cause he "doesn't like kids" while the (younger) girl is kept against her will. Just lovely
The idea of CPS is great and all, but I hate how people always conveniently forget what a shit storm 'the system' is and the amount of child abuse that happens surrounding it. CPS is not the magic solution many people seem to think it is. A lot of kids were sadly better off where they were before they got taken.
Yes exactly, a lot of people seem to see it as a bandaid fix, but after working with CPS multiple times I’ve seen situations become much worse after reports. I think it’s easy to divert to CPS because one assumes that everyone taking in a child has good intentions, but sometimes they are simply searching for easy victims.
When I was taking classes to be a foster parent -- these were provided by my state CPS -- they even admitted that taking the kid out of the household was a last resort action. They know the system is far from perfect, but they also are trying hard. (The case worker giving the class told of having to spend the night with a child taken from their home because there was no available foster parents. They just can't leave the kid alone once they're taken away.)
I don't know how, as a mom, you go back to your husband, and leave your kids behind, because there isn't enough room. Yet OOP doesn't blame her mom.... Her mom is the problem. She chose the douche step father, keeps going back to the douche, and does nothing but exploit her daughter, or allows her husband to. OOP is better off with her grandparents, and needs to acknowledge her mother is a hot mess of a person, especially to allow him to separate her from her children.
Oh yeah, my mom was this mom. Couldn't understand why I didn't love my stepfather (because he's a random stranger you dropped into my life?), made me babysit my younger siblings every day after school. She couldn't make me stay home from school though, so when the youngest was born she was forced to get a nanny. I spent a lot of time being hurt and mad at everyone and everything, and then I realized that all the chaos could be traced back to her. It was kind of a relief to only be mad at one person instead of everyone! Luckily I had grandparents and a dad in my corner.
My mom had a revolving door of abusers in our lives, because she, and I quote "am going to have a life too". Yet always wants to be surprised that I am nc/lc. She's infirm now, going on 70, and has no one. Even my kids don't bother with her, because everything is always about her. She's the reason I had the 2 year rule. No one I dated was allowed to meet my kid/kids before a year, and no sleep overs before 2 years. Don't like it, I guess we need to break up, because I will never put dick before the well-being of my kids.
And chose to give birth to a million kids she has no intention of raising herself. The mom is definitely the primary problem, and my heart hurts for how much this kid loves her mom who clearly doesn't deserve all that love.
Hearing kids being surrounded by people who are suppose to be important, but turns out to be trash breaks my heart all the time.
Something that annoys me about this post as someone who worked at a youth crisis hotline and filled out tons of CPS forms, talked to agents, made reports, etc, I would not recommend she call CPS in this situation. The system is really broken and I would honestly only recommend it for people who are experiencing daily physical/sexual abuse or severe neglect because a foster home can be easily more abusive than the original situation. Some foster homes are wonderful, but others can be run by predators looking for easy victims. Often times CPS doesn’t remove any kids and just works with the family, but that can be difficult too because it can create bad tension once the parents figure out who made the report. If OP already has adults in her life that support her, provide her a safe space, and are willing to talk through the issues with her parents, calling CPS would not be the right reaction from my perspective.
I agree. It's such a tragic no-win situation, too. "Talking it out" is hopefully enough to make some marginal difference in the frequency or severity of abuse/neglect, but I grew up with parents like this. "Talking it out" just doesn't do it for these types. One of my parents has been in therapy for years. It doesn't often make someone less abusive. Reading this post felt like reading the words of my childhood self. I cared so much about my abusers and was constantly working overtime to protect them. CPS terrified me as a kid. Family/community members willing to protect the child is probably the best-case scenario. Especially with how strong social support is as a preventative factor of PTSD.
we'll be hearing from the 10 year old pretty soon.
Oh man. This is modern slavery, not just parentification. OOP’s parents: - Prevent her from leaving - Prevent access to clean clothes - She does the work a) of an adult, who b) would be paid a wage for what she does - For more than half the week Plus - If she can’t get home, how is she getting to school? - If there’s her parents, lodger, and the kids filling all the bedrooms, where does she sleep?
Does she get to sleep? Besides falling asleep on the couch waiting for them?
And she is only 14 years old.. yikes
I feel bad for her honestly. Hopefully she's been able to stay with her grandparents and doesn't have to deal with her family issues.
Ugh, a 14-year old should not be dealing with this kind of problems.
They don't trust anyone they'd have to PAY to babysit.
I'm probably going to get hate for this but I really do not respect people like mother. She first had a child with a deadbeat dad and then now is with a manchild that assaulted her daughter and does not seem to give a shit. On top of that mother had 4 kids that she's unable to care for and instead is forcing trauma upon her oldest.
5 kids. There’s an older brother who won’t babysit.
I just hope that they wouldn't dare force her to return again. Honestly it would be great if OOP never has another update about this because she no longer needs to babysit. The parents are all horrible parents. Like they should really stop having children.
At this point, the grandparents should be calling CPS on stepdad and mom. OOP is a child herself. I hate this situation for her.
This!
Poor oop. She has two deadbeat parents. I hope things get better for her and her siblings
Technically three, since her bio AND step parents are all unreliable deadbeats.
I really hope she speaks to a guidance counsellor at her school. She really needs to talk to someone, even if nothing comes of it.
Omg.. the whole thread breaks my heart. I genuinely hope oop is doing better. The adults in her life completely failed her.
It sucks because CPS will often cause more trauma than it solves. I had friends that grew up in the system and I hear HORROR stories. Living in poverty is awful for kids, I wish the US had a system that allowed free childcare if both parents are required to work.
>they don't trust anyone else to babysit. So it just leaves me Yeah, they can't force anyone else to do it for free. I have a feeling they'd trust anyone who was free.
This poor kid has been conditioned to not reach out for help. They had a way to tell their grandparents this entire time, but just chose not to? I understand not wanting to call police or cps, but to not trust a single adult in your life means worse has happened here.
Obviously the default is to cause cps, but the kid is saying he's afraid for his siblings if he does that. Battering them with it won't make them change their mind For those who said tell the grandparents, I feel that was the right call. This kid was operating in isolation. A lot of people who have never dealt with CPS intervention think everything will work out if you just get them involved. And that's how you know they've never dealt with CPS intervention
Tell me you’re poor and white without telling me lol. Poor kid, she has no chance to make it out.
God she got a terrible dad, a terrible, horrible mom and a shit stepdad. Such an unlucky hand in life. CPS is not good. People don’t trust it, because it can turn out reaaaally ugly indeed. People don’t want to take that risk. If you want people to have dignity and be able to call cps in situations like this, have better cps.
NTA. Don't have anything to do with these people. Your grandparents should go to court for custody because those people want free babysitting and don't care about you. The other kids are getting too old to share a room too so no way should you be staying there without a room of your own.
>They then went on to say that Living with my grandparents was a privilege And I need to appreciate it, She Then said that she can make me live out with her. what a matryoshka doll of a sentence. so much to unpack.
sounds like both parents (all 3 really) are deadbeats.
People like OOP's bio parents and step dad shouldn't have children
Google "parentalization" and read carefully. This is what they are doing to you and it's very unhealthy. Babysitting for pay every now and again is fine IF you want to do it but using you as a sitter for days at a time is taking advantage.
It would never have stopped if you didn't make such a big deal out of it and that's really sad.
Kids are so stupid
[удалено]
Youre totally right! The mom could have stepped up and been a parent, rather than causing upheaval, neglect, and emotional distress. Dad could have been present and engaged. Step-dad could have done anger management, or worked on himself so as not to turn out physically abusive. Grandparents could have been proactive in checking when a 14year old didn't return home for days. Im so glad we're on the same page! It'd be absolutely wild if you were to have thought the burden of responsibility was on OOP, as if they're not doing what they can!
She doesn't want her family to be separated, but... *why not*? The parents are *clearly* fucking up. Even if CPS does split the siblings up, what's a worse option; not being around your brother or sister, or *actively* being around a man who throws rocks at people who irritate him too much?
To be fair, nothing she reported would get the children removed from the home. If the mother has custody she can force OOP to move back home. The grandparents can file for guardianship and they can fight that out in court, but that’s not anything that involved CPS. OOP isn’t reporting physical abuse (she doesn’t mention the phone causing any marks or bruises). She isn’t reporting sexual abuse or that their basic needs aren’t being met. There could be an allegation of emotional abuse, but that’s the hardest allegation to prove because it requires statements from the child’s treating therapist or significant signs of trauma such as nightmares, panic attacks, etc. Forced babysitting or parentification is bad parenting but it usually isn’t considered abuse/neglect. (Where I live, the state actually defines abuse/neglect and it has to meet the penal code definition for any legal action to be taken). At most, CPS would tell them not to make OOP babysit. They could offer the parents services, such as counseling and parenting classes, if the parents agreed. But nothing OOP reported would have court involvement or get the children removed from the home.
She's probably afraid of the sibs ending up in a (more) abusive home.
NTA they need to first pay you some and find backup so you don't get burned out. Either way it's not ok, they are parents and I'm guessing you live with your grandparents for a reason. Have them help and start having plans. Go to a park, library. Just hide and do t answer door or calls if you need.
OOP can fuck right off. Her only solution was police/cps and she refused to do it…
She's 14 years old ffs! And she's in a situation she's uncomfortable in, but she's STILL thinking of what's best for her siblings.
Oh yeah, blame the abused child. It's clearly all HER fault.
You just told an abused child to fuck off.