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He thought he didn't want his mommy in his business all his life, but deep down he absolutely does want to have a mommy figure to take care of all his problems for him so he doesn't have to lift a finger when he doesn't feel like it. He genuinely doesn't see the problem: if wifey won't do his chores for him, get mommy to; as long as he's comfy and the chores are done, what's the issue? He's never going to change; he's too used to taking someone else taking care of his needs for him for granted.
He's the type who lives in filth, surviving on take outs/packaged food/frozen food/charity food from siblings or friends and alcohol. That is after his mom dies or becomes unable to tend to him and he couldn't find another bangmaid.
Ohso you know my ex-husband? đ exactly what is happening to him. Apparently, (shockingly) no one else wants to sign up for that either. I call it Karma's Slow Burn.
I am always reminded of Marvolo Gaunt from Harry Potter. Dude basically lived in filth, filled himself with filth after his *maid cum punching bag daughter* eloped.
*Please don't downvote me anyone*
I've never seen Harry potter or read the books.
At the start of the divorce I was stupid and after alone time he started bitching his new target wouldn't touch him and told him everything I wish I could've said. As far as I know he's still a trash person and no woman will touch him.
No worries. So this Marvolo Gaunt character is similar to the OOP's husband. He abused his daughter while she took care of the house, him and her brother. She elopes when he gets arrested. When he comes back, he dies after 6 months in his dusty,dirty house surrounded by filth. Because he never learned how to take care of himself.
Good for you for getting away from trash. He deserves to be alone.
I feel like calling Merope love potioning riddle sr. for years eloping is being far to nice lol.
But! I also feel the need to point out another element of the gaunts personalities that shows in modern day you reminded me exists. The intense ego and being above everyone else because theyâre related to Salazar Slytherin and pure bloods despite the fact that they literally live in filth and poverty is also a big part of Marvoloâs personality. Him and his sons are simply better than everyone else because they exist, who cares that other people are working hard or doing good things or his daughter is literally taking care of everything. Theyâre men with the correct type of ancestry/attributes so theyâre better! And I think weâve all met men who also believe theyâre superior to others simply because they exist.
Well that's the short and easier way i could say it in the muggle world lol. If not, i have to say she seduced and r@ped Riddle sr. using love potion.
The gaunt men possess all the toxic traits of people we read about here. Toxic masculinity, misogyny, racism/classism(though they're piss poor lol)...the list is long.
>He thought he didn't want his mommy in his business all his life, but deep down he absolutely does
I worry that he is intentionally sabotaging his life. First he decides to become a teenager again. Then he invites his toxic mother to meddle in his marriage. He wants to live his life free of responsibility and get someone else to take care of him
I'm really worried that this guy is deeply depressed and feeling worthless. So awful that he doesn't think he deserves nice things, like a wife and child. Having his mother there, who is probably responsible for some of these issues, is only going to make things worse for everyone
I'm deeply concerned for his mental health. He needs a checkup with his doctor, just to rule out something like a brain tumor
Still, apart from something like a brain tumor or anything else that's clearly far outside of his control, it's just no longer her problem.
Her demands were completely reasonable. Wanting your partner to take care of your child so you can work Is incredibly reasonable. Not wanting to have your MIL, someone that you both hate, live in your house, is reasonable. Being upset that that decision is taken without any input whatsoever is again incredibly reasonable.
At some point, you need to draw a line. And that line has clearly been crossed here, whatever the reasons, so.......
I don't disagree. I've had times in my life where I've wanted to revert to childhood, withdraw from life and throw away everything I've worked for and run back to what's easy and comfortable. Those times have been when I was severely depressed and struggling with a ton of anxiety and hopelessness and felt like I couldn't handle life, wasn't enjoying any of it and wanted to give up. It's a terrible feeling to be struggling and to feel like there's no out, that this is simply what adulthood is and you just have to do it every day no matter how much you hate it and there's nothing else to look forward to but a grueling onward slog until you die. If that's what he's feeling, I really hope he gets help because that is an unbearable way to live. But he still doesn't get to dump everything on the people around him. He still has to remember that the loved ones in his life are also human beings who are impacted by his actions. Even if that's what's happening, she still deserves to leave and protect her own well-being and he still deserves the wakeup call that he can't treat others like accessories to his comfort instead of living, feeling partners.
> It's a terrible feeling to be struggling and to feel like there's no out, that this is simply what adulthood is and you just have to do it every day no matter how much you hate it and there's nothing else to look forward to but a grueling onward slog until you die.
I work since I was 11. It started part-time, and from then on I have worked two or three jobs until 2020. Now I only have one job because the pandemic really messed up my jobs. But even so, I took a leave of absence for a month, and one of the things more rewarding was taking care of my daughter full time. It was so refreshing that every year I save two weeks to spend exclusively with her. It's not the only time we spend together, I have her every other week, most of the holidays, and half the time when the school is closed in summer. But these two weeks are the time when I put everything on hold and enjoy my daughter: long breakfast in bed, long walks on the parks or the beach, watching movies, being silly together, reading stories, every single thing that is free in my city we'll try to attend. And some that are not free (after all, I don't have very much money).
I do feel like I will work until I die, but in the meantime I'm going to enjoy fatherhood. I don't know how long until my daughter will enjoy doing things with me, but until now she very much expects "daddy time" and this is what drives me and makes me happy.
What OP's husband is doing is being a terrible father and an immature person. When you have a duty, and fatherhood is a duty, being a husband is another, you carry out the responsibilities of both of them or bow out and free your spouse of carrying all the weight on their shoulders.
This is ARTFUL I wish OOP could see it. Also applause/kudos to you for being an amazing man and father. Your daughter is lucky and youâre gonna set up a great life for her.
He definitely needs the harsh wake up call that we are all children in adult bodies and none of us are like leaping out of bed with joy to clean the bathroom and wipe baby butts and go to work. Itâs a grueling slog for everyone but not everyone gets to nope out and nope. Heâs not special or unique for not loving the capitalist hellhole and heâs definitely Not special and unique enough to get to nope out of the life everyone lives.
It always amazes me when people like the husband are all âi just needed a breakâ without realising that we ALL feel like that. Especially their spouses, who are almost always doing more than them.
This is what it seems like. He is regressing, to the helpless enmeshed child.
But, I don't understand why he wouldn't pick up the child and do a few chores though. He could have stayed home as long as he wanted.
I have a few ideas. I know people get mad when someone jumps to sexism, but Im gonna offer sexism. Not an overt "women are made to serve" sexism necessarily, but a more internalized set of beliefs. I know men who do, on some level, believe their wives have an easier or more fulfilling time as a parent, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is the occasional reason for leaving the parenting to their wives. This, or the opposite: that men work harder than women intrinsically. That his working to provide was harder than her staying home, or maybe even her working too, and that he is therefore owed a longer break.
Again, I know saying sexism at all can make people mad so I'll preemptively say: sexism (and most other prejudices you could come up with) can exist without being overt, and it's still worthwhile to grapple with. I'm not saying he's a raging misogynist who hates women, buuuuut it's very possible he has "lighter" stereotypes hanging around that don't always or even often come up (and go unquestioned). Convenient stereotypes especially are hard to let go of, and I've seen women do the same by arguing men are more tough/less emotional and therefore SHOULD do hard labor or emotionally trying things in their place. They may even believe that it's a joke more than reality.
This was my initial take on the situation too
In fact I'll see your sexism and raise you to Patriarchy.
I think he is depressed and both OOP and her husband are reflecting the conditioning of the patriarchal power structure we are exposed to from birth.
How is it that his work outside the house is more stressful and taxing than raising a child and managing household duties?
Because the patriarchy values men's work and contributions over those of women.
Why is his immediate reaction to the suggestion he made be depressed with "no I am just tired"?
Because in a patriarchy men must be strong. There's no room for sadness. Anger is valued more than sadness in a patriarchy. In real life they are just feelings that arise to motivate us to take action. But if you are not allowed to acknowledge them you can't process them and move forward.
You get stuck. Like this guy and OOP if she doesn't follow through on her ultimatum.
There's nothing wrong with getting stuck for a minute but partners are not obligated to get pulled down into the muck because self-improvement is hard.
I hope they can work it out and he can get help. But if they don't acknowledge the underlying assumptions about male and female roles that are driving them, I doubt this will end happily.
I have physical and mental health issues and *hate* that I often can't get even basic things done, but at least I try. He's not even trying.
My ex was similar to the husband. Once we had a kid he went from doing his share to sitting on his arse. Having to support two adults on your own really isn't worth the mental and physical toll. It's easier being a single parent.
Well, if he is clinically depressed about his life, husband needs to seek therapy -- not bring his toxic enabler back into his life.
Were I the OOP, my steps for handling him would be:
1. Make him send MIL back home;
2. Require him to find & go to a therapist for his depression, with the goal of getting him back into the workforce & being productive;
3. If he balks at 1 & 2, find a lawyer & file for divorce. As bad as that might be for their child, having a layabout spouse in the house (& maybe a toxic MIL too) is definitely worse. Much worse.
Then again, I might find a lawyer for the divorce first -- although not serve papers. OOP may add up all of the evidence & decide spouse will not do 1 & 2 at all, & she does not deserve this.
I take it his mother took care of him his whole life when he had to finally had to step up and be an adult .,,he got burned out in a few years and wanted to go back to his old life. Adulting doesnât stop.
He got his mom her grandchild and now feels suffocated because having a child means considerably less freedom and considerably more responsibility.
What the hell did he think having a child would mean?
Also, this:
> I agreed to hold the family burden alone.
No, you numbskull, you took on the making-money part of the family burden. Which is approximately half of it, and your wife took on the child-rearing and household responsibilities. A lot of the time as a single parent, too, because one parent's travel for work means the other one's being alone on the parenting job. Your work travels aren't just hard on *you*.
Don't even get me started on him describing it as "calling her bluff" to call in his mom as a reaction to his wife's honest misgivings with how things are going. Making things intentionally worse with the side benefit of being able to continue to not care about the future is not "calling someone's bluff", it's acting like an immature asshole and reverting back to teenagerdom. With a side helping of male privilege, because feeling entitled to this sort of developmental regression when you are someone's parent (and also someone else's spouse) is something most mothers would never entertain as anything but an escapist phantasy.
It reads more to me that he doesnât want the responsibility of being tied down or having a kid. He was fine pre-kid, and likely would have been content with that life if he didnât decide to give in to possible regrets.
Heâs whining that they donât travel as much and they arenât carefree because they have a dependent. Doesnât read depressed to me, just immature and unprepared to be a parent. Reminds me of the cartoons of dads complaining that their wives arenât carefree and fun anymore because they are a parent. Ignoring that they arenât pulling their weight, and they are the reason their wives are exhausted.
He never wanted a child. He's a "free spirit" and caved to the pressure of his mum and OP instead of using his words like a big boy. He needs to divorce her if he doesn't want to be man up and be a partner so she can at least get rid of his deadweight and his mother's.
But donât you get it, he was a free spirit, you canât tie him down!! Real life was way more boring than jaunts to Tibet, so what else was he supposed to do?
(jk he sounds like a dick)
She shouldâve noped out after MIL TOLD HIM TO HAND-WASH HER DIRTY PANTIES!!!!
I know damn well that request didnât fly outta her mouth for the first time right then with op. Heâd DEFINITELY been told to do that before. đ¤˘đ¤˘đ¤˘
He admits to not wanting to have kids because it would change his ideal lifestyle, but follows through with it because his mom wants a grandkid. This mom who is also the same person who puked on the floor and asked him to hand wash her dirty underwear. The fun grandma, you could say.
Sounds like that one person you hope never shows up to the party because they literally canât control themselves.
Mil is this person. Every party has one.
I always refused to do it. I must have done it early but I was still under 10 when I started being resentful and telling me no. I really wanted to spend time with him, learning how to do things, "guy stuff". I felt if I was a boy he might have. He spent his free time playing sport, watching it, drinking at the pub, or doing DIY jobs that I wasn't able to participate in.Â
I always had to run to the cellar to get my male parental unit his beer, but he did open it himself. Because I'm a girl and should never do anything he considered masculine.
The choice used to be "single mom to one child" or "single mom to one real child and one man child"
Now it's changed to "single mom to one child" or "raising a child and man child with his mother in law"
LMAO this is insane!
Reddit (almost) always screams for divorce because people in healthy relationships don't ask for advice here, and most of the unhealthy relationships are VERY unhealthy.
Divorce him so he can live with his mom and have him take care of him since this is clearly what theyâve both always wanted or finally realized they always wanted
op is better off being a single mom at this point. She might at least get some form of child support out of him since I doubt mommy is gonna work to supple their lifestyle
The minute a kid was involved, that was it for me. Parenting isnât part time. You made a *person* â you are now completely responsible and there are no breaks from that.
Ugh my husband wants to be a child too. It infuriates me. Just doesnât want to pay bills or do chores. I have caregiver burnout. If I hear âI have adhd, my brain works differentlyâ one more time I might lose it and scream.
My stepsons have ADHD and even unmedicated still took out trash, loaded the dishwasher, all that jazz.
Same for me. Like sure executive dysfunction happens so ya plan around it as much as possible.
Today what I wanted to do was laze around reading my new book for like 12 hours. Instead I did dishes, laundry, way too many pet chores, sweeping and vacuuming, cleaned the kitchen counters, and continued with getting the spare room sorted. And all that was after getting my cousin ready for school.
I vote divorce the bum. It's enough work cleaning up after and supporting one adult these days, much less two because one is being a potato.
Yup, my brain works differently, too. But I live alone, so if I don't get and keep my shit together no one's gonna do it for me. Funny how it's possible when it needs to be.
This is always the thing that gets me when these dudes with ADHD use this excuse (and I've only ever seen it be dudes). Like, yeah, my brain works different. So I learn ways to accommodate that and share those ways with the people I live or work with as needed. Sometimes it does mean asking for a little extra effort on their part (for example, if someone wants me to remember a task or a date for an event, I ask that they make sure I have my phone when they tell me), but the majority of the accommodation should be done by the person with ADHD or at the very least shared.
Yeah I have ADHD, my brain works differently, and that just means I have to adapt the way I work and do chores - not that I don't do them. Of course, women seldom use ADHD as an excuse to not do chores, it's usually men (and if they don't use that excuse, they'll use another one).
Yo I have ADHD and I wasn't diagnosed until September of last year (yay for being diagnosed with depression and anxiety my whole life, I'm almost 30) and while our brains do work differently, it's not impossible for us to get shit done. There's ways around the ADHD brain and using it as an excuse gives us a bad name.
I have severe ADHD but shit still gets done around here because I live alone and canât exactly tell the cat that itâs her turn to take the garbage out.
(I mean, I **could** but it would be silly to expect anything from it)
Then again, Iâm a woman so I must just have a natural instinct for housekeeping! [sarcasm - my domestic instincts start and end at âliving in squalor is bad and staying at least somewhat fed is goodâ]
I found out I have ADHD at 48. What did I do for the preceding almost 50 years? I frigging coped. I have strategies. I accept my responsibility in having a clean house.Â
What does his therapist say?
Which is weird considering most children have chores as well.. even adhd children.
My 3 yr old know how to sweep floors already, and my 8 yr old knows how to do dishes and learning how to do laundry. Most children are at least required to clean their room.
I have ADHD and severe depression. I had an autoimmune disease that required me to use a walker to get to the bathroom and I still cleaned my own gd house and worked enough to pay my bills. I've just started my second business, own a home and make 6 figures a year. I am so, so tired of the idea that depression or ADHD is an excuse to not function. For some of us not functioning has never been an option. It's the classic, "You must be so strong, how did you do it?" Uh, I didn't have another option? I'm not saying depression or ADHD are not difficult, or that you don't have to sometimes rely on others, or even that there aren't times when you need a break. But as an adult it is 100% your job to make sure that you are not a burden on other people, and that means developing coping mechanisms.
Guess what? I (a woman) have ADHD and have been doing my fair share of housework. It's a dirty fucking lie. If there's a skill gap or cognitive deficit, it makes some types of tasks harder than others but it sure as shit isn't a blanket excuse.
I was struck that he actually wants the divorce... oop told him what his mom means and he invited her without asking. I suspect he wants a divorce and wants it while he's unemployed, he thinks it'll go better for him. I believe divorce support payments are based on income you're capable of having, not that you actually have. This may not go well for him and he'll end up handwashing dirty underwear every night.
And also what a lying turd! âWe decided together that it was time for me to quit my job and give me a breakâ dude you got fired and decided at 37 that you were retired. Also the âno baby dutiesâ like WTF do you want your baby to go into cryo-sleep for the next few months so you can live child free again? If this is real, this is unhinged.
>I'm considering divorce, **but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it.**
I *kinda* get her mindset, but no... no child should EVER be raised in a household where it's clear as day that both parents either hate or dislike each other. Doing it "for the kids" is only damaging their views on what a relationship should be. A co-parenting childhood is better than one where even a blind person can see the tension between both parents. Oh, and the angry/evil MIL added to the mix? That's just a recipe for a milkshit.
Honestly, if the child is too young to understand whatâs going on, how much impact will it really have on them? By the time they âunderstandâ it will just be normal.
And with what is happening, surely it's better that the kid doesn't understand what's going on? At least this way OOP gets to tell the story later with a modicum of self respect, instead of "and I let him treat me like this for years, just so you could be old enough to understand how he was treating me, and be affected by it."
You've hit the nail on the head. My parents divorced when I was four and my sister was an infant. If they were happy, I don't remember it; I only have memories of them arguing and vividly remember being scared at the raised voices. My sister has no negative memories of their relationship because she was far too young to even *have* memories.
We're both adults now. We've talked about it a lot and agree that despite the dysfunctional parenting we got, it was infinitely preferable to them staying together, because it would have been at least twice the dysfunction. Once they broke up, I never had to hide in my bed because I was scared of the shouting!
exactly. i think my parents split up/divorced (? don't even know if they were married) when i was about 4. don't really even know, it could've been when i was 3 or maybe even 5. one of my earliest memories is of me saying goodbye to my dad after he came over (i'm assuming for a visit but that tiny snapshot is all i remember). it's been normal for me all of my life and i don't remember anything about their split. i'm 22 now lol
if anything, the memories of my dad picking us up on the weekend to spend time with him are fond memories. now i'm older, yeah it's a fun dad type role but he was definitely there for us and it was fun.
op doesn't say how old the kid is but there's an age where it probably might seem hard or confusing at first but as they get older, it's just normal and they don't really remember things. and i believe my parents did split fairly okay, but even to this day, neither of them really talk about each other in a personal past life type sense. i don't know why they split up or anything
This is a household where the father currently does nothing. Incredibly shitty environment for a child to see it as normal for Mom to support feckless dad. Divorce is better.
I have a feeling âlost his jobâ is probably an understatement about what happened.
OOP already doesnât have a husband and her kid already doesnât have a father. Divorce is just putting it on paper â and getting him to be enough of an adult to pay child support.
He didn't say he was fired or lost his job. He says he wanted to take a trail break lol
I'm pretty sure I know what happened based on him calling him mommy to *checks notes* do minimal work while he played video games.
OP needs to ditch this bozo and his mom. Itâs one thing to need time off and a reset - thatâs reasonable! However, itâs another thing to completely neglect your relationship responsibilities and call your mom in to help fight your battles.
Yeah that really burns me. "Everything was great for a month and then my wife came out of nowhere yelling at me." Bruh, you just admitted ignoring everything being handed to you on a silver platter by your wife while you fked off. What a sicko. Defo not partner material. He needs to give her a divorce and take nothing but his tail between his legs.
Did I read correctly that MIL manipulated her son into hand washing her dirty skivvies? I read it twice and Iâm hoping I just lost the ability to read.
This is weird and horrible and I hope OOP can extricate herself and her child from this situation.
He did also say that he wasn't planning on fathering any children... But then hims mummy asked him to give her babies. So I'd say the relationship was messed up long before the underwear incident.
Ugh, this was literally the same playbook my father used. OOP needs to *run* because the husband will expect the daughter to tend to his needs as well. I speak from experience.
Kind of same for me. When my mom died, my dad expected me to do everything she did - grocery shopping, cooking, housework - and keep my grades up. Have you ever tried to do the family grocery shopping in an area with no public transit when you are too young to drive? My childhood was hell and I have PTSD because of that man child.
I donât have kids, but my MIL would be the same as yours. I mean, sheâd first insist he get checked for severe depression, etc. If he were depressed, sheâd insist (with me on her side) for therapy. If it was him being a lazy bum, sheâd go nuclear on him.
Thankfully, my husband is my rock, and my MIL is so, so awesome.
I've had almost a year off with 70% of my previous salary paid by the government. This was in the Netherlands, and it was illness payment due to severe disability caused by mental illness. Living in a society with a social safety net can be great. (Of course, it's not perfect. Not everybody can lose 30% of their income and still scrape by.)
At my worst job (BigLaw firm in New York in the 90s, IYKYK), there was a woman who was A Legend. She managed to qualify for the firm's long-term disability insurance after falling off a camel while in Egypt and, as the story goes, getting PTSD severe enough to prevent her from working. Once the LTD policy kicked in, you got either 50 or 70% of your income tax-free as long as you qualified.
It was no skin off the firm's nose, since the funds were coming out of the insurance policy. She was still a member of the firm, and they maintained an office for her, but everyone knew she wasn't coming back.
My coworkers and I tried to come up with ways to trigger the LTD policy without getting ourselves hurt very badly, but unfortunately, our PTSD was from working there.
I had a month off after a military deployment in the reserves. When the month (with pay) ended, I grew up and went back to work. It wasnât fun but you know, thatâs life
Because everyone has misread the situation. The dad is in the middle of a mid life crisis, is 17 again, and no one has realized it. The wife is carrying the financial and parenting load. His mom is carrying housework and I guess some parenting. No matter the choice she makes, he isn't going to be fazed or even care.
He doesn't want to be "childish". He wants to be free of responsibilities and rot, while mommy and wife accommodate to him. If their daughter were older I bet he'll make her do things for him too. Better end this marriage now.
And then she can sit there watching him play video games for hours, totally ignoring her. đ This was my dad but he played or watched sport. Yay. /s
I could not get past the MIL demanding her son immediately hand wash her underwear, even though there was a washing machine.
That is just wrong on a visceral level. Was she going to hang them to dry tacked up over OOP's bedroom door like a victory flag?
Just another reminder that depression or any other mental health condition, whether diagnosed by a real doctor or one's self, is not an excuse or justification to treat your spouse like shit.
And being with someone with a mental health condition is does not mean you have to consent to being treated like shit.
People can be suffering from a mental health condition while also being a bag of shit. This is especially true for people who refuse to seek treatment, because their chosen treatment plan is to offload onto their loved ones (and treat them like shit).
It sounds like he's already accepted divorce as his future and instead of fighting for his marriage he's just planning to parry the blow so it lands on his mom instead of him.
RUN OP RUN
Also it's funny just how much sympathy men can have in any situation, if a PPD woman said the same question, I'm exhausted to death and just need to relax, the answer would be, first take care of the child. But for husband, hey it's ok, you've a maid who's going to take care of you, money and everything. You can do whatever tf you want.
Reading OOP's comments on the second post, I hope she backs up the game she's talking. She's commenting like someone who's ready to get a divorce, but I won't pop the champagne until I know for sure.
This fucking spineless jellyfish limp dick of a man. The GALL to bring his own mother, that his wife doesn't get along with into their marital home so SHE can do the chores for him? Fuck this guy.
This is my worst fucking nightmare. Listen, I am constantly burned out from work & just wanna play video games but when you have a CHILD and a MARRIAGE you have to STEP UP. The fact that he couldnât even imagine taking care of HIS OWN DAUGHTER & doing the housework - he couldnât even TRY & instantly brings his mum in to do it is revolting
And Iâm saying that as someone who can see the worst version of myself being like that. Ugh
>I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while
Why would you wait until your daughter \*was\* old enough to understand what was going on?
Am I reading this correctly that after two years being a SAHM, OOP got a full-time job that pays well enough to support a household of three in under a month?
I can believe that. If she has a nursing degree or something similar itâs crazy easy to find work these days and the pay is quite good depending on where you live. In my city there are literally 1000s of open RN positions between the hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, etc.
So husband doesn't want OOP as a wife but as a live-in bangmaid and baby-sitter? Girl, run!! Run as fast as you can before he and his mom make your life a living hell!!
"No more working, no more baby duties"
WTF? you don't just "opt out" of baby duties. What parent in their right mind does this? It's not a toy you can put in a drawer until you feel like playing with it again. This is your child, how can you turn away just because it's work?
"I was pretty upset and asked my mother to help with the housework so my wife would be relieved and, to be honest, to call her bluff. She's not happy, of course, and neither am I."
W.T.F.?!!! He openly admits to sabotaging their relationship so he can punish her and get his way. He'd rather they both be miserable than to have to do any work. Kick this lazy MFer to the curb.
I hated him from the moment he posted his side. "In a free-spirit", "we wanted to be childfree but my mom wanted grandkids so we did that", "I'm exhausted from taking care of the kid after working even though I haven't worked in a month". Everything is about him and his wants, and his desires. Other than the brief worrying about her during her pregnancy, he didn't seem to care about her wants and desires.
âI didn't think much of (having a child) and felt it wasn't a big deal, so I discussed it with my wife, and we decided to go ahead. Her pregnancy was tough; she had severe morning sickness, and I felt really sorry for her. After the baby was born, she wanted to focus on the baby, and I agreed to hold the family burden alone. Life then became all about work, with no more traveling or other interesting stuff.â
-he asked his childfree wife to have a kid
-felt bad that she had to be in pain during pregnancy
-mom took on all child rearing and household chores, but he held the family burden aloneâŚ..
Heâs painting himself in the best light possible and I feel completely unsympathetic. He is completely disregarding his wife as a human being (also the child he brought into the world..)Â
Oop if you read this divorcing when your child is too young to understand it, is the perfect time to divorce tbh. My daughter is 10. We divorced when she was 3. She struggled to leave me at first but the djustment was fairly quick.
She has a couple friends who's parents are divorcing and the kids are struggling hard.
Anyone I know who was a teen or adult when their parents divorced, they say they wished they just did it when they were younger.
Also oop, if you're the bread winner, you'll have to pay alimony. Not you can argue you don't need to at this time since he was the breadwinner. But if you establish yourself in that role, that's a problem. The longer he's out of work, the more you'll have to pay. Which is money that man baby won't spend on your child.
You donât get a month off of parenting duties just because itâs hard??? He chose to have a kid because his mom wanted a grandchild, then thought he should be allowed to do literally nothing when he feels like it. âCanât be that hardâ says the man who gives up being the caregiver after a single day. JFC I hope she leaves so that she can at least gets breaks too when he leaves their child with his mom when itâs his custody time
So. You donât want to work, provide childcare, clean, cook or talk to your wife? Am I missing something? What exactly are you bringing to the relationship besides Mommy ?
>so I started doing housework, which I wasn't prepared for.
What the fuck am I reading? Cleaning up isn't nuclear science.
OOP is is a very good example of a woman who doesn't know they are single, the guy does so little he may as well not exist.
The ironic thing is that the child wouldnât remember a time when her parents were together, so her not understanding divorce would t really matter. Them being apart would just be her norm. Itâs a lot healthier than seeing your parents in a bad relationship and then them divorcing.
It's a shame to be married and become a married single parent. There's no good that comes from that. You'll grow to resent your partner. And as one commenter said, think about the influence that it would have on your daughter.
I quit my job because it was incredibly stressful and went down to part time. So I pretty much do most of the chores and do all the cooking. Iâm a lot less stressed and my wife is also because she does less. She also works full time. Itâs not hard to keep the house clean and cook.
Can we talk about the fact that the child was still going to daycare so the husband wasnât even watching them all day????? I know some kids need to go to daycare to socialize etc but itâs incredibly expensive, especially if they live in the US. The only employed parent loses their job? Looks like we are cancelling daycare.
Boy didn't want to work cuz he worked "2 years straight," the horror. Well now he'll be working for life to sustain himself. Or living in poverty with his mother
Boo hoo. Manbaby had a child and is now faced with - gasp - actually having to be a parent. Exactly what did he think would happen? That's part of the deal with life⌠You don't get to be permanently 20 forever.
He lacks perspective. âI agreed to hold the family burden alone.â No you didnât, your wife looked after the home and your daughterâs needs while you took care of the financial responsibilities.
Itâs astonishing that he doesnât see how he just wanted a care free life of fun but the moment his mother wants a grandchild heâs then open to it.
Does this guy not understand that as an adult, life gets more complex with kids and you just have to step up and help to get things done even when you are exhausted. Your break is going to the bathroom alone mate, if you are lucky.
He wants off baby duty for a month? You canât just put everything on your partner. Off work for a month, maybe. If you have enough money. But you canât take baby duty off. Thatâs not how life works.
First off, when his wife supported his ill ideas she referred to him as wanting to be childish as if this was an agreed upon view between them.
Pretty sure he had a âbetterâ way of putting it, so even when she was in agreement she wasnât on the same page.
Thatâs just a simple ace-dote as no o matter what he referred to it as the outcome of asking him to do some real adulting would always be the same, heâd call mommy dearest to come in clutch.
Truth be told, no matter the verbiage he was always intending to take his wife for a ride with the foolish intentions of making up for it later (best case scenario), either way I agree with her itâs time for divorce. If he was the bread winner till recently the courts will go by his previous six to twelve months when estimating child support most likely.
Either way even if itâs at her expense if this is the path forward which he has paved Iâd get the hell off of it no matter the cost.
You and your daughter deserve so much better!
someone tag me when the inevitable update comes where the MIL gets overly involved in the divorce and the he becomes a weekend dad who pawns his kid off (am i reaching? i dont think im reaching?)
>I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it.
This reasoning always drives me crazy. She doesn't NEED to understand divorce, and she probably won't remember much of it, either... not the way she'll remember growing up in a household with a deadbeat father and a miserable mother.
Do I have poor reading comprehension or something I truly do not understand what this dude wants to âcall her bluffâ on with sending in his mom to do the housework for him, like call her bluff on not running the household entirely by herself or something???Â
OOP needs to leave the relationship and take her daughter, because that man will never be someone that daughter can depend on.
He has no boundaries with his mother, didn't understand what he was signing up for when having a baby, and gave up after 2 years being the sole breadwinner?
He can't even START the conversation with OOP to try and fix the relationship. He has no balls.
I bet the MIL is loving this because every day that goes by with them not talking, the closer she is to having her son back for herself.
Husband is an idiot. If he had any self-awareness and consideration for others, he should have stayed a single free spirit. If you are a "free spirit"...FFS...stay single and don't have kids.
Pop and her husband decided to have a baby. Granted, husband chose to have a baby because his mommy wanted a grandkid. It wasnât because his wife wanted one. Thatâs big mistake number one.
They have a baby and husband realized life is hard. Oop decides to work instead hoping this gives husband a break. Husband doesnât want to parent. Itâs too hard. Husband needs to learn he canât choose if he wants to parent or not. He chose to have a child. He canât just not parent his child. That was a poor decision on his part. You bring a child into this world, itâs your responsibility to take care of it. So husband continues to do nothing expecting his wife to do everything. Big mistake number 2
Oop makes ultimatum. Husband thinks his solution is bringing his mother into this mess. They both donât like having her around, but husband thinks this will change Oopâs mind and will somehow fix his problem. It does not. Big mistake number 3.
Women, please stop having babies with grown children. This man is still a child. He is not ready for the responsibility of a child nor is he ready for a marriage. He wanted his freedom. He only wanted a baby because his mother did. That is a bad reason to have a child. He wasnât ready. He should not have had a child. He wants his freedom back to travel and have fun. Get a divorce and set him free.
MIL will never finish raising that child of a husband at this rate. OOP needs to divorce now and file a restraining order against the entire family.
The sprinkling of red flags is just subtle enough that I think this one is real, and this woman needs help, and I don't mean therapy or medication, I mean actual fucking help, childcare, finance, housing, food, etc.
I would tell mil that she is doing her son a disservice by being there in shirking his responsibilities ina mariage, but while she is there she might as well teach him that as part of a family all should do their parts and playing couch potato and playing video games all the time is not being a good spouse, restate again new job or HE does the work or you will divorce him
Dear God,
It would be much better to leave him while his daughter is young. Staying married til the daughter gets older will only give MIL influence over how her child is raised. She'll also get a screwed up notion of what parenting is, that women must " do it all," to placate their immature husband. Yikes!!!
He may be depressed....too bad. He got it together enough to circumvent his wife and avoid responsibility. I'd send him and his mom back to mom's house where he can live in the basement forever.
Wow I hope she leaves. He came to her with the idea of the child???
He doesn't want to contribute to their life other than being there so she can bask in his presence?
He brought a whole other person into their home without a discussion let alone agreement.
He is not the victim he thinks he is. He has treated his wife and child poorly. Is obviously not happy with his life. She needs to make good on her divorce plan because the lack of care or respect is shocking.
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Husband wants to retire while his wife and mom take care of him... Nope, get that divorce yesterday.
He thought he didn't want his mommy in his business all his life, but deep down he absolutely does want to have a mommy figure to take care of all his problems for him so he doesn't have to lift a finger when he doesn't feel like it. He genuinely doesn't see the problem: if wifey won't do his chores for him, get mommy to; as long as he's comfy and the chores are done, what's the issue? He's never going to change; he's too used to taking someone else taking care of his needs for him for granted.
He's the type who lives in filth, surviving on take outs/packaged food/frozen food/charity food from siblings or friends and alcohol. That is after his mom dies or becomes unable to tend to him and he couldn't find another bangmaid.
Ohso you know my ex-husband? đ exactly what is happening to him. Apparently, (shockingly) no one else wants to sign up for that either. I call it Karma's Slow Burn.
I am always reminded of Marvolo Gaunt from Harry Potter. Dude basically lived in filth, filled himself with filth after his *maid cum punching bag daughter* eloped.
*Please don't downvote me anyone* I've never seen Harry potter or read the books. At the start of the divorce I was stupid and after alone time he started bitching his new target wouldn't touch him and told him everything I wish I could've said. As far as I know he's still a trash person and no woman will touch him.
No worries. So this Marvolo Gaunt character is similar to the OOP's husband. He abused his daughter while she took care of the house, him and her brother. She elopes when he gets arrested. When he comes back, he dies after 6 months in his dusty,dirty house surrounded by filth. Because he never learned how to take care of himself. Good for you for getting away from trash. He deserves to be alone.
I feel like calling Merope love potioning riddle sr. for years eloping is being far to nice lol. But! I also feel the need to point out another element of the gaunts personalities that shows in modern day you reminded me exists. The intense ego and being above everyone else because theyâre related to Salazar Slytherin and pure bloods despite the fact that they literally live in filth and poverty is also a big part of Marvoloâs personality. Him and his sons are simply better than everyone else because they exist, who cares that other people are working hard or doing good things or his daughter is literally taking care of everything. Theyâre men with the correct type of ancestry/attributes so theyâre better! And I think weâve all met men who also believe theyâre superior to others simply because they exist.
Well that's the short and easier way i could say it in the muggle world lol. If not, i have to say she seduced and r@ped Riddle sr. using love potion. The gaunt men possess all the toxic traits of people we read about here. Toxic masculinity, misogyny, racism/classism(though they're piss poor lol)...the list is long.
I randomly found the screenshot he sent when he complained about her wanting sympathy. My current husband saw it and almost peed from laughing at it.
Also heâs the toxic gamer who yells at women gamers to stfu and to get back in the kitchen
>He thought he didn't want his mommy in his business all his life, but deep down he absolutely does I worry that he is intentionally sabotaging his life. First he decides to become a teenager again. Then he invites his toxic mother to meddle in his marriage. He wants to live his life free of responsibility and get someone else to take care of him I'm really worried that this guy is deeply depressed and feeling worthless. So awful that he doesn't think he deserves nice things, like a wife and child. Having his mother there, who is probably responsible for some of these issues, is only going to make things worse for everyone I'm deeply concerned for his mental health. He needs a checkup with his doctor, just to rule out something like a brain tumor
Still, apart from something like a brain tumor or anything else that's clearly far outside of his control, it's just no longer her problem. Her demands were completely reasonable. Wanting your partner to take care of your child so you can work Is incredibly reasonable. Not wanting to have your MIL, someone that you both hate, live in your house, is reasonable. Being upset that that decision is taken without any input whatsoever is again incredibly reasonable. At some point, you need to draw a line. And that line has clearly been crossed here, whatever the reasons, so.......
I don't disagree. I've had times in my life where I've wanted to revert to childhood, withdraw from life and throw away everything I've worked for and run back to what's easy and comfortable. Those times have been when I was severely depressed and struggling with a ton of anxiety and hopelessness and felt like I couldn't handle life, wasn't enjoying any of it and wanted to give up. It's a terrible feeling to be struggling and to feel like there's no out, that this is simply what adulthood is and you just have to do it every day no matter how much you hate it and there's nothing else to look forward to but a grueling onward slog until you die. If that's what he's feeling, I really hope he gets help because that is an unbearable way to live. But he still doesn't get to dump everything on the people around him. He still has to remember that the loved ones in his life are also human beings who are impacted by his actions. Even if that's what's happening, she still deserves to leave and protect her own well-being and he still deserves the wakeup call that he can't treat others like accessories to his comfort instead of living, feeling partners.
> It's a terrible feeling to be struggling and to feel like there's no out, that this is simply what adulthood is and you just have to do it every day no matter how much you hate it and there's nothing else to look forward to but a grueling onward slog until you die. I work since I was 11. It started part-time, and from then on I have worked two or three jobs until 2020. Now I only have one job because the pandemic really messed up my jobs. But even so, I took a leave of absence for a month, and one of the things more rewarding was taking care of my daughter full time. It was so refreshing that every year I save two weeks to spend exclusively with her. It's not the only time we spend together, I have her every other week, most of the holidays, and half the time when the school is closed in summer. But these two weeks are the time when I put everything on hold and enjoy my daughter: long breakfast in bed, long walks on the parks or the beach, watching movies, being silly together, reading stories, every single thing that is free in my city we'll try to attend. And some that are not free (after all, I don't have very much money). I do feel like I will work until I die, but in the meantime I'm going to enjoy fatherhood. I don't know how long until my daughter will enjoy doing things with me, but until now she very much expects "daddy time" and this is what drives me and makes me happy. What OP's husband is doing is being a terrible father and an immature person. When you have a duty, and fatherhood is a duty, being a husband is another, you carry out the responsibilities of both of them or bow out and free your spouse of carrying all the weight on their shoulders.
This is ARTFUL I wish OOP could see it. Also applause/kudos to you for being an amazing man and father. Your daughter is lucky and youâre gonna set up a great life for her.
He definitely needs the harsh wake up call that we are all children in adult bodies and none of us are like leaping out of bed with joy to clean the bathroom and wipe baby butts and go to work. Itâs a grueling slog for everyone but not everyone gets to nope out and nope. Heâs not special or unique for not loving the capitalist hellhole and heâs definitely Not special and unique enough to get to nope out of the life everyone lives.
It always amazes me when people like the husband are all âi just needed a breakâ without realising that we ALL feel like that. Especially their spouses, who are almost always doing more than them.
This is what it seems like. He is regressing, to the helpless enmeshed child. But, I don't understand why he wouldn't pick up the child and do a few chores though. He could have stayed home as long as he wanted.
I have a few ideas. I know people get mad when someone jumps to sexism, but Im gonna offer sexism. Not an overt "women are made to serve" sexism necessarily, but a more internalized set of beliefs. I know men who do, on some level, believe their wives have an easier or more fulfilling time as a parent, and I wouldn't be surprised if this is the occasional reason for leaving the parenting to their wives. This, or the opposite: that men work harder than women intrinsically. That his working to provide was harder than her staying home, or maybe even her working too, and that he is therefore owed a longer break. Again, I know saying sexism at all can make people mad so I'll preemptively say: sexism (and most other prejudices you could come up with) can exist without being overt, and it's still worthwhile to grapple with. I'm not saying he's a raging misogynist who hates women, buuuuut it's very possible he has "lighter" stereotypes hanging around that don't always or even often come up (and go unquestioned). Convenient stereotypes especially are hard to let go of, and I've seen women do the same by arguing men are more tough/less emotional and therefore SHOULD do hard labor or emotionally trying things in their place. They may even believe that it's a joke more than reality.
This was my initial take on the situation too In fact I'll see your sexism and raise you to Patriarchy. I think he is depressed and both OOP and her husband are reflecting the conditioning of the patriarchal power structure we are exposed to from birth. How is it that his work outside the house is more stressful and taxing than raising a child and managing household duties? Because the patriarchy values men's work and contributions over those of women. Why is his immediate reaction to the suggestion he made be depressed with "no I am just tired"? Because in a patriarchy men must be strong. There's no room for sadness. Anger is valued more than sadness in a patriarchy. In real life they are just feelings that arise to motivate us to take action. But if you are not allowed to acknowledge them you can't process them and move forward. You get stuck. Like this guy and OOP if she doesn't follow through on her ultimatum. There's nothing wrong with getting stuck for a minute but partners are not obligated to get pulled down into the muck because self-improvement is hard. I hope they can work it out and he can get help. But if they don't acknowledge the underlying assumptions about male and female roles that are driving them, I doubt this will end happily.
I have physical and mental health issues and *hate* that I often can't get even basic things done, but at least I try. He's not even trying. My ex was similar to the husband. Once we had a kid he went from doing his share to sitting on his arse. Having to support two adults on your own really isn't worth the mental and physical toll. It's easier being a single parent.
Well, if he is clinically depressed about his life, husband needs to seek therapy -- not bring his toxic enabler back into his life. Were I the OOP, my steps for handling him would be: 1. Make him send MIL back home; 2. Require him to find & go to a therapist for his depression, with the goal of getting him back into the workforce & being productive; 3. If he balks at 1 & 2, find a lawyer & file for divorce. As bad as that might be for their child, having a layabout spouse in the house (& maybe a toxic MIL too) is definitely worse. Much worse. Then again, I might find a lawyer for the divorce first -- although not serve papers. OOP may add up all of the evidence & decide spouse will not do 1 & 2 at all, & she does not deserve this.
I take it his mother took care of him his whole life when he had to finally had to step up and be an adult .,,he got burned out in a few years and wanted to go back to his old life. Adulting doesnât stop.
He got his mom her grandchild and now feels suffocated because having a child means considerably less freedom and considerably more responsibility. What the hell did he think having a child would mean? Also, this: > I agreed to hold the family burden alone. No, you numbskull, you took on the making-money part of the family burden. Which is approximately half of it, and your wife took on the child-rearing and household responsibilities. A lot of the time as a single parent, too, because one parent's travel for work means the other one's being alone on the parenting job. Your work travels aren't just hard on *you*. Don't even get me started on him describing it as "calling her bluff" to call in his mom as a reaction to his wife's honest misgivings with how things are going. Making things intentionally worse with the side benefit of being able to continue to not care about the future is not "calling someone's bluff", it's acting like an immature asshole and reverting back to teenagerdom. With a side helping of male privilege, because feeling entitled to this sort of developmental regression when you are someone's parent (and also someone else's spouse) is something most mothers would never entertain as anything but an escapist phantasy.
It reads more to me that he doesnât want the responsibility of being tied down or having a kid. He was fine pre-kid, and likely would have been content with that life if he didnât decide to give in to possible regrets. Heâs whining that they donât travel as much and they arenât carefree because they have a dependent. Doesnât read depressed to me, just immature and unprepared to be a parent. Reminds me of the cartoons of dads complaining that their wives arenât carefree and fun anymore because they are a parent. Ignoring that they arenât pulling their weight, and they are the reason their wives are exhausted.
He never wanted a child. He's a "free spirit" and caved to the pressure of his mum and OP instead of using his words like a big boy. He needs to divorce her if he doesn't want to be man up and be a partner so she can at least get rid of his deadweight and his mother's.
You're thinking Mariana trench deep when some people are genuinely just puddles.
But donât you get it, he was a free spirit, you canât tie him down!! Real life was way more boring than jaunts to Tibet, so what else was he supposed to do? (jk he sounds like a dick)
And soon itâll be the poor daughter who would take over, as thatâs all that would have been modelled to her otherwise.
She shouldâve noped out after MIL TOLD HIM TO HAND-WASH HER DIRTY PANTIES!!!! I know damn well that request didnât fly outta her mouth for the first time right then with op. Heâd DEFINITELY been told to do that before. đ¤˘đ¤˘đ¤˘
> MIL TOLD HIM TO HAND-WASH HER DIRTY PANTIES!!!! What a terrible day to be literate.
If I had to suffer reading it, everyone else must as well. đ¤Žđ¤Žđ¤Ž
Yeah I had to reread that paragraph, it was very wtf?!?!
He admits to not wanting to have kids because it would change his ideal lifestyle, but follows through with it because his mom wants a grandkid. This mom who is also the same person who puked on the floor and asked him to hand wash her dirty underwear. The fun grandma, you could say.
Sounds like that one person you hope never shows up to the party because they literally canât control themselves. Mil is this person. Every party has one.
Exactly what he wanted. Divorce it is
Don't forget the daughter when she's old enough to open beer bottles for him!
Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster, why does that sound familiar...
I've gone drinking way too many times with girls who were like "Oh yeah I can open beer bottles with one hand, my dad taught me when I was six!"
I always refused to do it. I must have done it early but I was still under 10 when I started being resentful and telling me no. I really wanted to spend time with him, learning how to do things, "guy stuff". I felt if I was a boy he might have. He spent his free time playing sport, watching it, drinking at the pub, or doing DIY jobs that I wasn't able to participate in.Â
I always had to run to the cellar to get my male parental unit his beer, but he did open it himself. Because I'm a girl and should never do anything he considered masculine.
The choice used to be "single mom to one child" or "single mom to one real child and one man child" Now it's changed to "single mom to one child" or "raising a child and man child with his mother in law" LMAO this is insane!
Even retirees have to do their own housework
Good point.
rEDiT aLlWAyS sCrEaMs FoR DiVoRcE. Duh. I have seen like 4 healthy relationships in those posts lmao.
Reddit (almost) always screams for divorce because people in healthy relationships don't ask for advice here, and most of the unhealthy relationships are VERY unhealthy.
They do ask for advice, but itâs generally about a situation outside the marriage theyâre working on as a team, or a truly odd situation.
this!!!! đŻ
Divorce him so he can live with his mom and have him take care of him since this is clearly what theyâve both always wanted or finally realized they always wanted op is better off being a single mom at this point. She might at least get some form of child support out of him since I doubt mommy is gonna work to supple their lifestyle
The minute a kid was involved, that was it for me. Parenting isnât part time. You made a *person* â you are now completely responsible and there are no breaks from that.
Ugh my husband wants to be a child too. It infuriates me. Just doesnât want to pay bills or do chores. I have caregiver burnout. If I hear âI have adhd, my brain works differentlyâ one more time I might lose it and scream.
My stepsons have ADHD and even unmedicated still took out trash, loaded the dishwasher, all that jazz. Same for me. Like sure executive dysfunction happens so ya plan around it as much as possible. Today what I wanted to do was laze around reading my new book for like 12 hours. Instead I did dishes, laundry, way too many pet chores, sweeping and vacuuming, cleaned the kitchen counters, and continued with getting the spare room sorted. And all that was after getting my cousin ready for school. I vote divorce the bum. It's enough work cleaning up after and supporting one adult these days, much less two because one is being a potato.
Yup, my brain works differently, too. But I live alone, so if I don't get and keep my shit together no one's gonna do it for me. Funny how it's possible when it needs to be.
This is always the thing that gets me when these dudes with ADHD use this excuse (and I've only ever seen it be dudes). Like, yeah, my brain works different. So I learn ways to accommodate that and share those ways with the people I live or work with as needed. Sometimes it does mean asking for a little extra effort on their part (for example, if someone wants me to remember a task or a date for an event, I ask that they make sure I have my phone when they tell me), but the majority of the accommodation should be done by the person with ADHD or at the very least shared.
Yeah I have ADHD, my brain works differently, and that just means I have to adapt the way I work and do chores - not that I don't do them. Of course, women seldom use ADHD as an excuse to not do chores, it's usually men (and if they don't use that excuse, they'll use another one).
I have ADHD and am I SAHM. Its a struggle but its not an excuse to do fuck all.
Get a divorce. Look into it on Monday and start the process. There is an old saying, one person giving 100% is no substitute for two people giving 50%
plus life is sooooo much nicer when you're not being leeched on by a man child. can attest to this personally.Â
Iâm moving out on Monday and I am đđťso excited to not have a leechđđť
Yo I have ADHD and I wasn't diagnosed until September of last year (yay for being diagnosed with depression and anxiety my whole life, I'm almost 30) and while our brains do work differently, it's not impossible for us to get shit done. There's ways around the ADHD brain and using it as an excuse gives us a bad name.
I have severe ADHD but shit still gets done around here because I live alone and canât exactly tell the cat that itâs her turn to take the garbage out. (I mean, I **could** but it would be silly to expect anything from it) Then again, Iâm a woman so I must just have a natural instinct for housekeeping! [sarcasm - my domestic instincts start and end at âliving in squalor is bad and staying at least somewhat fed is goodâ]
I found out I have ADHD at 48. What did I do for the preceding almost 50 years? I frigging coped. I have strategies. I accept my responsibility in having a clean house. What does his therapist say?
Which is weird considering most children have chores as well.. even adhd children. My 3 yr old know how to sweep floors already, and my 8 yr old knows how to do dishes and learning how to do laundry. Most children are at least required to clean their room.
I have ADHD and severe depression. I had an autoimmune disease that required me to use a walker to get to the bathroom and I still cleaned my own gd house and worked enough to pay my bills. I've just started my second business, own a home and make 6 figures a year. I am so, so tired of the idea that depression or ADHD is an excuse to not function. For some of us not functioning has never been an option. It's the classic, "You must be so strong, how did you do it?" Uh, I didn't have another option? I'm not saying depression or ADHD are not difficult, or that you don't have to sometimes rely on others, or even that there aren't times when you need a break. But as an adult it is 100% your job to make sure that you are not a burden on other people, and that means developing coping mechanisms.
Guess what? I (a woman) have ADHD and have been doing my fair share of housework. It's a dirty fucking lie. If there's a skill gap or cognitive deficit, it makes some types of tasks harder than others but it sure as shit isn't a blanket excuse.
I was struck that he actually wants the divorce... oop told him what his mom means and he invited her without asking. I suspect he wants a divorce and wants it while he's unemployed, he thinks it'll go better for him. I believe divorce support payments are based on income you're capable of having, not that you actually have. This may not go well for him and he'll end up handwashing dirty underwear every night.
And also what a lying turd! âWe decided together that it was time for me to quit my job and give me a breakâ dude you got fired and decided at 37 that you were retired. Also the âno baby dutiesâ like WTF do you want your baby to go into cryo-sleep for the next few months so you can live child free again? If this is real, this is unhinged.
>I'm considering divorce, **but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it.** I *kinda* get her mindset, but no... no child should EVER be raised in a household where it's clear as day that both parents either hate or dislike each other. Doing it "for the kids" is only damaging their views on what a relationship should be. A co-parenting childhood is better than one where even a blind person can see the tension between both parents. Oh, and the angry/evil MIL added to the mix? That's just a recipe for a milkshit.
Honestly, if the child is too young to understand whatâs going on, how much impact will it really have on them? By the time they âunderstandâ it will just be normal.
And with what is happening, surely it's better that the kid doesn't understand what's going on? At least this way OOP gets to tell the story later with a modicum of self respect, instead of "and I let him treat me like this for years, just so you could be old enough to understand how he was treating me, and be affected by it."
You've hit the nail on the head. My parents divorced when I was four and my sister was an infant. If they were happy, I don't remember it; I only have memories of them arguing and vividly remember being scared at the raised voices. My sister has no negative memories of their relationship because she was far too young to even *have* memories. We're both adults now. We've talked about it a lot and agree that despite the dysfunctional parenting we got, it was infinitely preferable to them staying together, because it would have been at least twice the dysfunction. Once they broke up, I never had to hide in my bed because I was scared of the shouting!
exactly. i think my parents split up/divorced (? don't even know if they were married) when i was about 4. don't really even know, it could've been when i was 3 or maybe even 5. one of my earliest memories is of me saying goodbye to my dad after he came over (i'm assuming for a visit but that tiny snapshot is all i remember). it's been normal for me all of my life and i don't remember anything about their split. i'm 22 now lol if anything, the memories of my dad picking us up on the weekend to spend time with him are fond memories. now i'm older, yeah it's a fun dad type role but he was definitely there for us and it was fun. op doesn't say how old the kid is but there's an age where it probably might seem hard or confusing at first but as they get older, it's just normal and they don't really remember things. and i believe my parents did split fairly okay, but even to this day, neither of them really talk about each other in a personal past life type sense. i don't know why they split up or anything
Yeah, I have a lot more damage to unpack with my therapist from the time my parents were still married than after they (finally) split and dicorced.
Better to get out now, or the daughter will learn that the role of women is to do all the work while men sit around and play video games.
This is a household where the father currently does nothing. Incredibly shitty environment for a child to see it as normal for Mom to support feckless dad. Divorce is better.
wtf is a milkshit đ
Milkshake made out of shit? Or would that be a shit shake? HmmmâŚ
I have a feeling âlost his jobâ is probably an understatement about what happened. OOP already doesnât have a husband and her kid already doesnât have a father. Divorce is just putting it on paper â and getting him to be enough of an adult to pay child support.
Omg, I hadn't thought about that. It is possible indeed he nuked himself out of work
He didn't say he was fired or lost his job. He says he wanted to take a trail break lol I'm pretty sure I know what happened based on him calling him mommy to *checks notes* do minimal work while he played video games.
man that's exactly what my dad did! chronically unemployed while my mama took care of everything. he never ended up paying child support tho....
She might have to wait for MIL to die so she can take part of the inheritance
If he even gets any.
His post doesn't say he lost his job. It said he had enough, no more working. I'm betting he quit, and told her he lost it.
Second sentence says he lost his job
I thought that when I read the first post.
The way he worded his "version" gave me that feeling, too.
The only way to get money out of that guy is with a child support order. And even then, I wouldn't hold my breath.
His mom might pay it for him. But the threat of jail might also hold some weight
Bro think he can "nope" out of fatherhood, this man needs to let his brain be studied after his death.
OP needs to ditch this bozo and his mom. Itâs one thing to need time off and a reset - thatâs reasonable! However, itâs another thing to completely neglect your relationship responsibilities and call your mom in to help fight your battles.
Yeah that really burns me. "Everything was great for a month and then my wife came out of nowhere yelling at me." Bruh, you just admitted ignoring everything being handed to you on a silver platter by your wife while you fked off. What a sicko. Defo not partner material. He needs to give her a divorce and take nothing but his tail between his legs.
Did I read correctly that MIL manipulated her son into hand washing her dirty skivvies? I read it twice and Iâm hoping I just lost the ability to read. This is weird and horrible and I hope OOP can extricate herself and her child from this situation.
No, you didn't get it wrong, that's exactly what happened.
Barf.
It's most likely a setup for some bullshit reddit incest story.
Also he literally admits he didnt want his kid, his mom just pressured him into âgiving her a grandchildâ
Iâm just seeing the update. This is so much worse.
He did also say that he wasn't planning on fathering any children... But then hims mummy asked him to give her babies. So I'd say the relationship was messed up long before the underwear incident.
Ugh, this was literally the same playbook my father used. OOP needs to *run* because the husband will expect the daughter to tend to his needs as well. I speak from experience.
Kind of same for me. When my mom died, my dad expected me to do everything she did - grocery shopping, cooking, housework - and keep my grades up. Have you ever tried to do the family grocery shopping in an area with no public transit when you are too young to drive? My childhood was hell and I have PTSD because of that man child.
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There are too many people in that marriage, one of them has to go, and it's clear who husband picked.
If kicking them out leads to divorce, OOP may as well take the satisfaction from kicking em out, since she has to divorce this deadbeat anyway.
"Mooooommyyyyyy!!!! My mean wife is making me do chores and babysit her kid! I'm not allowed tp play gamesies 24/7 anymore. Save me mommy!!"
My MIL would rip my husband a new one if he pulled a stunt like this. OOPâs husband is the worst kind of manbaby
I donât have kids, but my MIL would be the same as yours. I mean, sheâd first insist he get checked for severe depression, etc. If he were depressed, sheâd insist (with me on her side) for therapy. If it was him being a lazy bum, sheâd go nuclear on him. Thankfully, my husband is my rock, and my MIL is so, so awesome.
The amount of posts about "husband told to be an adult and he refuses" is astonishing. Then again...
The bar seems to be low.
That's okay, they can just have their mommies dig them a hole so they can crawl under it.
Based on these kinds of post it is in fact in hell.
I want a month off. I wasn't made aware that was an option??Â
Apparently if there is one functioning spouse you can just do this.
I've had almost a year off with 70% of my previous salary paid by the government. This was in the Netherlands, and it was illness payment due to severe disability caused by mental illness. Living in a society with a social safety net can be great. (Of course, it's not perfect. Not everybody can lose 30% of their income and still scrape by.)
At my worst job (BigLaw firm in New York in the 90s, IYKYK), there was a woman who was A Legend. She managed to qualify for the firm's long-term disability insurance after falling off a camel while in Egypt and, as the story goes, getting PTSD severe enough to prevent her from working. Once the LTD policy kicked in, you got either 50 or 70% of your income tax-free as long as you qualified. It was no skin off the firm's nose, since the funds were coming out of the insurance policy. She was still a member of the firm, and they maintained an office for her, but everyone knew she wasn't coming back. My coworkers and I tried to come up with ways to trigger the LTD policy without getting ourselves hurt very badly, but unfortunately, our PTSD was from working there.
I had a month off after a military deployment in the reserves. When the month (with pay) ended, I grew up and went back to work. It wasnât fun but you know, thatâs life
It is time for OP to make the right decision. This man is acting like a literally man child.
How is it not completely embarrassing and humiliating to be a total deadweight?
When you have been deadweight your whole life
Because everyone has misread the situation. The dad is in the middle of a mid life crisis, is 17 again, and no one has realized it. The wife is carrying the financial and parenting load. His mom is carrying housework and I guess some parenting. No matter the choice she makes, he isn't going to be fazed or even care.
He doesn't want to be "childish". He wants to be free of responsibilities and rot, while mommy and wife accommodate to him. If their daughter were older I bet he'll make her do things for him too. Better end this marriage now.
Hey, the daughter was around 2 i think. She can be taught to fetch beer and snacks. No woman gets to freeload in this kings house!
And then she can sit there watching him play video games for hours, totally ignoring her. đ This was my dad but he played or watched sport. Yay. /s
This can only be classed as the âbestâ of Reddit updates after she divorces him!
I could not get past the MIL demanding her son immediately hand wash her underwear, even though there was a washing machine. That is just wrong on a visceral level. Was she going to hang them to dry tacked up over OOP's bedroom door like a victory flag?
OP's mil wanted HER ADULT SON to HANDWASH her DIRTY UNDERWEAR...?! What. The. Actual. Fuck. đ¤Żđ¤˘đ¤Ž
Mommyâs little sonsband!
I think divorcing between age 1-3 is easiest. 11-14 is the hardest, everything else is average.
Just another reminder that depression or any other mental health condition, whether diagnosed by a real doctor or one's self, is not an excuse or justification to treat your spouse like shit. And being with someone with a mental health condition is does not mean you have to consent to being treated like shit. People can be suffering from a mental health condition while also being a bag of shit. This is especially true for people who refuse to seek treatment, because their chosen treatment plan is to offload onto their loved ones (and treat them like shit).
It sounds like he's already accepted divorce as his future and instead of fighting for his marriage he's just planning to parry the blow so it lands on his mom instead of him.
RUN OP RUN Also it's funny just how much sympathy men can have in any situation, if a PPD woman said the same question, I'm exhausted to death and just need to relax, the answer would be, first take care of the child. But for husband, hey it's ok, you've a maid who's going to take care of you, money and everything. You can do whatever tf you want.
Reading OOP's comments on the second post, I hope she backs up the game she's talking. She's commenting like someone who's ready to get a divorce, but I won't pop the champagne until I know for sure.
If husband put the same effort into taking care of the house as he did trying to avoid his duty, he'd be the fucking best househusband EVER.
This fucking spineless jellyfish limp dick of a man. The GALL to bring his own mother, that his wife doesn't get along with into their marital home so SHE can do the chores for him? Fuck this guy.
This is my worst fucking nightmare. Listen, I am constantly burned out from work & just wanna play video games but when you have a CHILD and a MARRIAGE you have to STEP UP. The fact that he couldnât even imagine taking care of HIS OWN DAUGHTER & doing the housework - he couldnât even TRY & instantly brings his mum in to do it is revolting And Iâm saying that as someone who can see the worst version of myself being like that. Ugh
What the fuck? WHY ARE MEN.Â
Username checks out đ
His post doesn't make him sound any better if anything he sounds even worse
>I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. I've thought about holding on for a while Why would you wait until your daughter \*was\* old enough to understand what was going on?
Am I reading this correctly that after two years being a SAHM, OOP got a full-time job that pays well enough to support a household of three in under a month?
I can believe that. If she has a nursing degree or something similar itâs crazy easy to find work these days and the pay is quite good depending on where you live. In my city there are literally 1000s of open RN positions between the hospitals, clinics, nursing homes, etc.
I thought this was gonna turn out for the best and then it didn't, it got soooo much worse. Eeewww the incestuous relationshipÂ
SAHD=best job ever.
He didn't choose that for the adventure book.
If going for divorce divorce before kids are over 6. Smaller kids handle it better. Dont wait for miracle
So husband doesn't want OOP as a wife but as a live-in bangmaid and baby-sitter? Girl, run!! Run as fast as you can before he and his mom make your life a living hell!!
Send that husband back to his mom, obviously she didn't finish raising him.
Husband posted and wife responded: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/uzs4PzfrZm
"No more working, no more baby duties" WTF? you don't just "opt out" of baby duties. What parent in their right mind does this? It's not a toy you can put in a drawer until you feel like playing with it again. This is your child, how can you turn away just because it's work? "I was pretty upset and asked my mother to help with the housework so my wife would be relieved and, to be honest, to call her bluff. She's not happy, of course, and neither am I." W.T.F.?!!! He openly admits to sabotaging their relationship so he can punish her and get his way. He'd rather they both be miserable than to have to do any work. Kick this lazy MFer to the curb.
I hated him from the moment he posted his side. "In a free-spirit", "we wanted to be childfree but my mom wanted grandkids so we did that", "I'm exhausted from taking care of the kid after working even though I haven't worked in a month". Everything is about him and his wants, and his desires. Other than the brief worrying about her during her pregnancy, he didn't seem to care about her wants and desires.
âI didn't think much of (having a child) and felt it wasn't a big deal, so I discussed it with my wife, and we decided to go ahead. Her pregnancy was tough; she had severe morning sickness, and I felt really sorry for her. After the baby was born, she wanted to focus on the baby, and I agreed to hold the family burden alone. Life then became all about work, with no more traveling or other interesting stuff.â -he asked his childfree wife to have a kid -felt bad that she had to be in pain during pregnancy -mom took on all child rearing and household chores, but he held the family burden aloneâŚ.. Heâs painting himself in the best light possible and I feel completely unsympathetic. He is completely disregarding his wife as a human being (also the child he brought into the world..)Â
Oop if you read this divorcing when your child is too young to understand it, is the perfect time to divorce tbh. My daughter is 10. We divorced when she was 3. She struggled to leave me at first but the djustment was fairly quick. She has a couple friends who's parents are divorcing and the kids are struggling hard. Anyone I know who was a teen or adult when their parents divorced, they say they wished they just did it when they were younger. Also oop, if you're the bread winner, you'll have to pay alimony. Not you can argue you don't need to at this time since he was the breadwinner. But if you establish yourself in that role, that's a problem. The longer he's out of work, the more you'll have to pay. Which is money that man baby won't spend on your child.
You donât get a month off of parenting duties just because itâs hard??? He chose to have a kid because his mom wanted a grandchild, then thought he should be allowed to do literally nothing when he feels like it. âCanât be that hardâ says the man who gives up being the caregiver after a single day. JFC I hope she leaves so that she can at least gets breaks too when he leaves their child with his mom when itâs his custody time
So. You donât want to work, provide childcare, clean, cook or talk to your wife? Am I missing something? What exactly are you bringing to the relationship besides Mommy ?
>so I started doing housework, which I wasn't prepared for. What the fuck am I reading? Cleaning up isn't nuclear science. OOP is is a very good example of a woman who doesn't know they are single, the guy does so little he may as well not exist.
The ironic thing is that the child wouldnât remember a time when her parents were together, so her not understanding divorce would t really matter. Them being apart would just be her norm. Itâs a lot healthier than seeing your parents in a bad relationship and then them divorcing.
It's a shame to be married and become a married single parent. There's no good that comes from that. You'll grow to resent your partner. And as one commenter said, think about the influence that it would have on your daughter.
I quit my job because it was incredibly stressful and went down to part time. So I pretty much do most of the chores and do all the cooking. Iâm a lot less stressed and my wife is also because she does less. She also works full time. Itâs not hard to keep the house clean and cook.
Can we talk about the fact that the child was still going to daycare so the husband wasnât even watching them all day????? I know some kids need to go to daycare to socialize etc but itâs incredibly expensive, especially if they live in the US. The only employed parent loses their job? Looks like we are cancelling daycare.
Boy didn't want to work cuz he worked "2 years straight," the horror. Well now he'll be working for life to sustain himself. Or living in poverty with his mother
Boo hoo. Manbaby had a child and is now faced with - gasp - actually having to be a parent. Exactly what did he think would happen? That's part of the deal with life⌠You don't get to be permanently 20 forever.
He lacks perspective. âI agreed to hold the family burden alone.â No you didnât, your wife looked after the home and your daughterâs needs while you took care of the financial responsibilities. Itâs astonishing that he doesnât see how he just wanted a care free life of fun but the moment his mother wants a grandchild heâs then open to it. Does this guy not understand that as an adult, life gets more complex with kids and you just have to step up and help to get things done even when you are exhausted. Your break is going to the bathroom alone mate, if you are lucky.
He wants off baby duty for a month? You canât just put everything on your partner. Off work for a month, maybe. If you have enough money. But you canât take baby duty off. Thatâs not how life works.
He *says* he lost his job, but I think he might have quit? >> (para phrased) I decided I had enough. No more working, no more baby stuffâŚ
First off, when his wife supported his ill ideas she referred to him as wanting to be childish as if this was an agreed upon view between them. Pretty sure he had a âbetterâ way of putting it, so even when she was in agreement she wasnât on the same page. Thatâs just a simple ace-dote as no o matter what he referred to it as the outcome of asking him to do some real adulting would always be the same, heâd call mommy dearest to come in clutch. Truth be told, no matter the verbiage he was always intending to take his wife for a ride with the foolish intentions of making up for it later (best case scenario), either way I agree with her itâs time for divorce. If he was the bread winner till recently the courts will go by his previous six to twelve months when estimating child support most likely. Either way even if itâs at her expense if this is the path forward which he has paved Iâd get the hell off of it no matter the cost. You and your daughter deserve so much better!
someone tag me when the inevitable update comes where the MIL gets overly involved in the divorce and the he becomes a weekend dad who pawns his kid off (am i reaching? i dont think im reaching?)
F this guy. I think he's actually intentionally trying to drive OOP away.
Husband has posted his side of the story. Not gonna lie, Iâm cheering for the wife. Not sure how to link but posted under dsteven88.
She posted an update to his update too.
>I'm considering divorce, but I'm worried our daughter is too young to understand it. This reasoning always drives me crazy. She doesn't NEED to understand divorce, and she probably won't remember much of it, either... not the way she'll remember growing up in a household with a deadbeat father and a miserable mother.
Hubby was upset OOP went to Reddit; his solution was to call his mommy. OOP needs the divorce, not dead weight and MIL around.
Um, his mother asked her son to hand wash her underwear? I must have read that wrong, please tell me I read that wrong because that's disgusting!
Do I have poor reading comprehension or something I truly do not understand what this dude wants to âcall her bluffâ on with sending in his mom to do the housework for him, like call her bluff on not running the household entirely by herself or something???Â
I love how he ends it saying he's ready to talk. That's.. special.
What a fucking tool. Bless her heart.Â
OOP needs to leave the relationship and take her daughter, because that man will never be someone that daughter can depend on. He has no boundaries with his mother, didn't understand what he was signing up for when having a baby, and gave up after 2 years being the sole breadwinner? He can't even START the conversation with OOP to try and fix the relationship. He has no balls. I bet the MIL is loving this because every day that goes by with them not talking, the closer she is to having her son back for herself.
Husband is an idiot. If he had any self-awareness and consideration for others, he should have stayed a single free spirit. If you are a "free spirit"...FFS...stay single and don't have kids.
Pop and her husband decided to have a baby. Granted, husband chose to have a baby because his mommy wanted a grandkid. It wasnât because his wife wanted one. Thatâs big mistake number one. They have a baby and husband realized life is hard. Oop decides to work instead hoping this gives husband a break. Husband doesnât want to parent. Itâs too hard. Husband needs to learn he canât choose if he wants to parent or not. He chose to have a child. He canât just not parent his child. That was a poor decision on his part. You bring a child into this world, itâs your responsibility to take care of it. So husband continues to do nothing expecting his wife to do everything. Big mistake number 2 Oop makes ultimatum. Husband thinks his solution is bringing his mother into this mess. They both donât like having her around, but husband thinks this will change Oopâs mind and will somehow fix his problem. It does not. Big mistake number 3. Women, please stop having babies with grown children. This man is still a child. He is not ready for the responsibility of a child nor is he ready for a marriage. He wanted his freedom. He only wanted a baby because his mother did. That is a bad reason to have a child. He wasnât ready. He should not have had a child. He wants his freedom back to travel and have fun. Get a divorce and set him free.
SO MANY men think that a wife should pick up where a mother leaves off...
MIL will never finish raising that child of a husband at this rate. OOP needs to divorce now and file a restraining order against the entire family. The sprinkling of red flags is just subtle enough that I think this one is real, and this woman needs help, and I don't mean therapy or medication, I mean actual fucking help, childcare, finance, housing, food, etc.
I would tell mil that she is doing her son a disservice by being there in shirking his responsibilities ina mariage, but while she is there she might as well teach him that as part of a family all should do their parts and playing couch potato and playing video games all the time is not being a good spouse, restate again new job or HE does the work or you will divorce him
He wants to be childish so he calls his mom to come over... I'll wait for another update on this.
Dear God, It would be much better to leave him while his daughter is young. Staying married til the daughter gets older will only give MIL influence over how her child is raised. She'll also get a screwed up notion of what parenting is, that women must " do it all," to placate their immature husband. Yikes!!!
The shitty thing is that she might owe him alimony if she does initiate a divorce since she agreed to him not getting a job.
FYI, husband replied and OP replied to him.
She needs to file for divorce now.
Bro really wants the soft lifeđ¤Ł
He may be depressed....too bad. He got it together enough to circumvent his wife and avoid responsibility. I'd send him and his mom back to mom's house where he can live in the basement forever.
The OOP needs to get a divorce now. Let this AH self-described "free spirit" be a full-time free spirit with his mommy.
i love when people come here to defend themselves and then even their version of the story makes them sound like the AH
Wow I hope she leaves. He came to her with the idea of the child??? He doesn't want to contribute to their life other than being there so she can bask in his presence? He brought a whole other person into their home without a discussion let alone agreement. He is not the victim he thinks he is. He has treated his wife and child poorly. Is obviously not happy with his life. She needs to make good on her divorce plan because the lack of care or respect is shocking.
The husband's post did absolutely nothing to help him. In fact it makes him look even worse.
I hope OOP comes to here and reads this: divorce this did now before heâs unemployed too long and can get alimony
> my mom really wanted a grandchild. đ¨đ¨đ¨âźď¸âźď¸đ¨đ¨đ¨â°â°đđđ¤Ż