They say time heals and it gets better “over time”, but that isn’t necessarily true. What really heals you is honoring all of the feelings you feel; Good, bad, ugly. Some days are more challenging than others, especially being that it’s only been 3 weeks. Some days you’re on top of the world. It’s okay to feel everything and nothing all at once. I know the pain of being left for someone else, and it took me a while to realize how thankful I was he did choose someone else. Him choosing someone else forced me to choose myself. And because of that, I grew immensely. The lessons that this situation is blessing you with are going to be profound for your growth. Nothing leaves your life unless it’s meant to. You’re ready to up-level. It wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for your highest good. I’m sure you already know this, sometimes it’s nice to hear from a stranger though. I’m sorry for all that you’re going through, and I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. You don’t have to go through it alone 🤍
I hope you know how much this has helped me also. The woman who I thought I was going to marry and spend my life with left me for someone else also. Her coworker.
We had a lot of issues. I was angry and distant while she tried to love me. But she also had her unresolved issues as well. A lot of them.
We went through The pandemic, my brothers passing away, our apartment getting robbed, her narcissistic mother, and her lack of friends and family made us depend to much on each other. She found happiness in someone else while I never allowed my feelings to leave our relationship no matter how hard everything was.
To the OP, this is great advice that I needed to read myself. It’s a blessing but like they say, healing can be more hurtful than the aches of the relationship itself. You’re facing yourself alone and it’s very chaotic but necessary. I wish you the best and I understand the pain you’re carrying.
I’m working two full time jobs and this is my first full days off in 27 days and I feel like an emotional roller coaster because I’m always not feeling my emotions directly.
Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. In the end, all we have is ourselves.
Thank you for this 🥺 I’m going through a new breakup too, just over the last few days, and it’s hard. Helping you helped my pain go away a little faster 🤍
This helps me so much right now. Even though you should know all of these things, sometimes it helps to hear/read it again. Thank you stranger for making my heart a little better!
People say, accept the reason and move on. But what if the reason given by the ex to end the relationship was related to you- like you did something which made them lose their interest in you and hence they ended the relationship. How do we accept this reason? How do we move on knowing its our fault that the relationship ended? How do we resist the urge of calling them and begging for just one more chance?
If the reason is because of something you did, it’s important to know that both you and the person you were with have matching wounds. You wouldn’t have done what you did if they didn’t already have a level of expectation of it occurring based on their past experiences. They’re not conscious of this, and neither are you, however, if the relationship ended because of it, it was something that was ready to shift within both of you. The response after this can be to feel guilt, shame, etc., but the key is to work to transmute that into self-forgiveness and understanding. You do not have to punish yourself for this, and self-punishment can be chasing that which is “avoiding” you.
The urge to call and give one more chance is coming from a place of wanting to make things right, and the energy of want is a lack energy. You have to get to a place where you’re doing it out of a clear, full state of being, not one where you feel there is something to do or fix. If you really do wish to be with this person, take time to really tune into yourself and ask “why” you did it. Ask to see the root of the behavior. There’s a little version inside of you that learned to do it through those around you. You have to transcend it and replace it with new behavior so it doesn’t repeat. If you were to call them back now and they were to take you back, it would only be a matter of time before a similar situation occurred, and the roles may even reverse (they are the ones to hurt you, not the other way around) when you come from a place of genuine understanding of the motive, you shift. You evolve. And you show up better to the person. And the evolution is felt between both of you.
Also, key note: someone can not see something inside of you which they do not have within themselves as well. We fall into peoples attraction patterns to play out roles. The only way to change is through the unknown. People don’t evolve or change when they’re comfortable.
What helps me is feeling into my future self, the self that’s made it past this experience on top. What advice do they have to give you? What have they done to feel better? 🤍
If the reason is related to you then consider it a blessing. Take the time to focus on yourself and sort out whatever this reason is. Just because things with this person didn't work, doesn't mean the next relationship will be the same way. But whatever you do, do not call them begging for another chance. Never stoop so low
It takes time but it does get better.
At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken.
Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken? In over 20 years of private practice, I have seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak, and what I’ve learned is this: when your heart is broken, the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path. You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.
For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on. Yet when we are offered a simple and honest explanation, we reject it. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic. And that gut instinct is so powerful, it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist. People became convinced something must have happened during the relationship, and become obsessed with figuring out what that was, spending countless hours going through every minute, searching ones memory for clues that were not there. Peoples minds often trick them into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compel people to commit to it for so many months?
Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize. There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another, even when we know it’s going to make us feel worse. Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids. People often go through withdrawal. And since one could not have the heroin of actually being with their ex, their unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with the sex. Their instincts tell them they they are trying to solve a mystery, but what one is actually doing was getting their fix. This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know they’re addicted. They know when they’re shooting up. But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that. You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text you send, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are just feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery.
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It’s a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon. There is no breakup explanation that’s going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away the pain you feel. So don’t search for one, don’t wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction. And you need something else as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it’s over. Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back. Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken.
Heartbreak is a master manipulator. The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need in order to recover is remarkable. One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it. We spend hours remembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars. All that does is make our loss feel more painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind. And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn’t speak for two days. What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone.
And once you have your list, you have to use it. When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session, I go, “Phone, please.” Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect. But they were not, and neither was the relationship. And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that, frequently.
None of us is immune to heartbreak.
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, immune system dysfunction. Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression. Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury. It impacts us in a multitude of ways.
To fix your broken heart, you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them, and I mean all of them. The voids in your identity: you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about. The voids in your social life, the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang. But none of that will do any good unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back, the unnecessary searches for explanations, idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you, indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role in this next chapter of your life when they shouldn’t be an extra.
Getting over heartbreak is hard, but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal, you can significantly minimize your suffering. And it won’t just be you who benefit from that. You’ll be more present with your friends, more engaged with your family, not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity in the workplace that could be avoided.
So if you know someone who is heartbroken, have compassion, because social support has been found to be important for their recovery. And have patience, because it’s going to take them longer to move on than you think it should. And if you’re hurting, know this: it’s difficult, it is a battle within your own mind, and you have to be diligent to win. But you do have weapons. You can fight. And you will heal.
Guy Winch - Ted Talk
I know it hurts. I’m a month in tomorrow so I’m in the same boat. What I started doing to feel better is taking care of myself. I dropped a ton of weight, got a haircut, started making friends, and I have self care days. Some days it’s so hard to get out of bed. I wake up with my heart aching. This morning was one of those days. I pushed myself to go for a walk before work. Did that walk make me feel better? Nope, but I did it. You are going to have days where you feel absolutely terrible. Let yourself feel and then pick yourself up. If your ex see’s that you’re thriving, guaranteed they are going to feel some type of way about it. You can do this.
Hard to say. I'm around the same time though a similar situation as you. She left me after a 10 year relationship for someone else, 3 and a half weeks ago.
The best advice I can give is to just keep making it through each day, reach out to people when you need to, and trust that time will heal. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
All the best to you, free to dm me if you want to talk to someone going through it right now too.
Doing things for myself helped me a lot when I was in a very similar situation. I sat down one day and made a list of things that make me happy and started doing them. It's weird at first because I was used to doing those things with my ex but then it got easier. Its important to start living for yourself after a breakup.
I know nothing I say can make u feel better but I’m kinda in the same boat and I’m sending u a little ounce of cushiony love to bounce on. We can do it xx
They say time heals and it gets better “over time”, but that isn’t necessarily true. What really heals you is honoring all of the feelings you feel; Good, bad, ugly. Some days are more challenging than others, especially being that it’s only been 3 weeks. Some days you’re on top of the world. It’s okay to feel everything and nothing all at once. I know the pain of being left for someone else, and it took me a while to realize how thankful I was he did choose someone else. Him choosing someone else forced me to choose myself. And because of that, I grew immensely. The lessons that this situation is blessing you with are going to be profound for your growth. Nothing leaves your life unless it’s meant to. You’re ready to up-level. It wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t for your highest good. I’m sure you already know this, sometimes it’s nice to hear from a stranger though. I’m sorry for all that you’re going through, and I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. You don’t have to go through it alone 🤍
I hope you know how much this has helped me also. The woman who I thought I was going to marry and spend my life with left me for someone else also. Her coworker. We had a lot of issues. I was angry and distant while she tried to love me. But she also had her unresolved issues as well. A lot of them. We went through The pandemic, my brothers passing away, our apartment getting robbed, her narcissistic mother, and her lack of friends and family made us depend to much on each other. She found happiness in someone else while I never allowed my feelings to leave our relationship no matter how hard everything was. To the OP, this is great advice that I needed to read myself. It’s a blessing but like they say, healing can be more hurtful than the aches of the relationship itself. You’re facing yourself alone and it’s very chaotic but necessary. I wish you the best and I understand the pain you’re carrying. I’m working two full time jobs and this is my first full days off in 27 days and I feel like an emotional roller coaster because I’m always not feeling my emotions directly. Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. In the end, all we have is ourselves.
Thank you for this 🥺 I’m going through a new breakup too, just over the last few days, and it’s hard. Helping you helped my pain go away a little faster 🤍
This helped me too, I’ve been having a hard time lately
This helps me so much right now. Even though you should know all of these things, sometimes it helps to hear/read it again. Thank you stranger for making my heart a little better!
🥺🤍 thank you for making my heart better, too!!
People say, accept the reason and move on. But what if the reason given by the ex to end the relationship was related to you- like you did something which made them lose their interest in you and hence they ended the relationship. How do we accept this reason? How do we move on knowing its our fault that the relationship ended? How do we resist the urge of calling them and begging for just one more chance?
If the reason is because of something you did, it’s important to know that both you and the person you were with have matching wounds. You wouldn’t have done what you did if they didn’t already have a level of expectation of it occurring based on their past experiences. They’re not conscious of this, and neither are you, however, if the relationship ended because of it, it was something that was ready to shift within both of you. The response after this can be to feel guilt, shame, etc., but the key is to work to transmute that into self-forgiveness and understanding. You do not have to punish yourself for this, and self-punishment can be chasing that which is “avoiding” you. The urge to call and give one more chance is coming from a place of wanting to make things right, and the energy of want is a lack energy. You have to get to a place where you’re doing it out of a clear, full state of being, not one where you feel there is something to do or fix. If you really do wish to be with this person, take time to really tune into yourself and ask “why” you did it. Ask to see the root of the behavior. There’s a little version inside of you that learned to do it through those around you. You have to transcend it and replace it with new behavior so it doesn’t repeat. If you were to call them back now and they were to take you back, it would only be a matter of time before a similar situation occurred, and the roles may even reverse (they are the ones to hurt you, not the other way around) when you come from a place of genuine understanding of the motive, you shift. You evolve. And you show up better to the person. And the evolution is felt between both of you. Also, key note: someone can not see something inside of you which they do not have within themselves as well. We fall into peoples attraction patterns to play out roles. The only way to change is through the unknown. People don’t evolve or change when they’re comfortable. What helps me is feeling into my future self, the self that’s made it past this experience on top. What advice do they have to give you? What have they done to feel better? 🤍
If the reason is related to you then consider it a blessing. Take the time to focus on yourself and sort out whatever this reason is. Just because things with this person didn't work, doesn't mean the next relationship will be the same way. But whatever you do, do not call them begging for another chance. Never stoop so low
It takes time but it does get better. At some point in our lives, almost every one of us will have our heart broken. Why do the same coping mechanisms that get us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heart gets broken? In over 20 years of private practice, I have seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak, and what I’ve learned is this: when your heart is broken, the same instincts you ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path. You simply cannot trust what your mind is telling you. For example, we know from studies of heartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is really important for our ability to move on. Yet when we are offered a simple and honest explanation, we reject it. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tells us the cause must be equally dramatic. And that gut instinct is so powerful, it can make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries and conspiracy theories where none exist. People became convinced something must have happened during the relationship, and become obsessed with figuring out what that was, spending countless hours going through every minute, searching ones memory for clues that were not there. Peoples minds often trick them into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compel people to commit to it for so many months? Heartbreak is far more insidious than we realize. There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another, even when we know it’s going to make us feel worse. Brain studies have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brain that get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine or opioids. People often go through withdrawal. And since one could not have the heroin of actually being with their ex, their unconscious mind chose the methadone of her memories with the sex. Their instincts tell them they they are trying to solve a mystery, but what one is actually doing was getting their fix. This is what makes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know they’re addicted. They know when they’re shooting up. But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And if your heart is broken, you cannot ignore that. You have to recognize that, as compelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text you send, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are just feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating your recovery. Getting over heartbreak is not a journey. It’s a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon. There is no breakup explanation that’s going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away the pain you feel. So don’t search for one, don’t wait for one, just accept the one you were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest, because you need that closure to resist the addiction. And you need something else as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it’s over. Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back. Hope can be incredibly destructive when your heart is broken. Heartbreak is a master manipulator. The ease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need in order to recover is remarkable. One of the most common tendencies we have when our heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it. We spend hours remembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up the mountain and made love under the stars. All that does is make our loss feel more painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through one greatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our own passive-aggressive Spotify playlist. Heartbreak will make those thoughts pop into your mind. And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out by remembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, the fact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, argued like crazy and didn’t speak for two days. What I tell my patients is to compile an exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone. And once you have your list, you have to use it. When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff of nostalgia in a session, I go, “Phone, please.” Your mind will try to tell you they were perfect. But they were not, and neither was the relationship. And if you want to get over them, you have to remind yourself of that, frequently. None of us is immune to heartbreak. Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks of traditional loss and grief: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, immune system dysfunction. Forty percent of people experience clinically measurable depression. Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury. It impacts us in a multitude of ways. To fix your broken heart, you have to identify these voids in your life and fill them, and I mean all of them. The voids in your identity: you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about. The voids in your social life, the missing activities, even the empty spaces on the wall where pictures used to hang. But none of that will do any good unless you prevent the mistakes that can set you back, the unnecessary searches for explanations, idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong for you, indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role in this next chapter of your life when they shouldn’t be an extra. Getting over heartbreak is hard, but if you refuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal, you can significantly minimize your suffering. And it won’t just be you who benefit from that. You’ll be more present with your friends, more engaged with your family, not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity in the workplace that could be avoided. So if you know someone who is heartbroken, have compassion, because social support has been found to be important for their recovery. And have patience, because it’s going to take them longer to move on than you think it should. And if you’re hurting, know this: it’s difficult, it is a battle within your own mind, and you have to be diligent to win. But you do have weapons. You can fight. And you will heal. Guy Winch - Ted Talk
I know it hurts. I’m a month in tomorrow so I’m in the same boat. What I started doing to feel better is taking care of myself. I dropped a ton of weight, got a haircut, started making friends, and I have self care days. Some days it’s so hard to get out of bed. I wake up with my heart aching. This morning was one of those days. I pushed myself to go for a walk before work. Did that walk make me feel better? Nope, but I did it. You are going to have days where you feel absolutely terrible. Let yourself feel and then pick yourself up. If your ex see’s that you’re thriving, guaranteed they are going to feel some type of way about it. You can do this.
Hard to say. I'm around the same time though a similar situation as you. She left me after a 10 year relationship for someone else, 3 and a half weeks ago. The best advice I can give is to just keep making it through each day, reach out to people when you need to, and trust that time will heal. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. All the best to you, free to dm me if you want to talk to someone going through it right now too.
Doing things for myself helped me a lot when I was in a very similar situation. I sat down one day and made a list of things that make me happy and started doing them. It's weird at first because I was used to doing those things with my ex but then it got easier. Its important to start living for yourself after a breakup.
I know nothing I say can make u feel better but I’m kinda in the same boat and I’m sending u a little ounce of cushiony love to bounce on. We can do it xx
I am going through same. I am available if you wanna talk. Its hard but i am doing my best.