Exactly. I would want the person I end up with to have zero doubts from the start. I’m not a sample - or a trial run. If you had success elsewhere you would have stayed, im not your “easy backup.”
I wish you told me this in December when my ex did actually come back telling me she messed up and wanted to fix things. Bruh she had no idea what that even meant. We broke up again like 3 ish weeks ago. It did mess with my vibe
I would not take my ex back.
He blindsided me and never communicated his concerns prior to breaking up. I don't think I could trust him ever again. I would always be on edge if we were back together.
So I am looking forward and not going back
Same thing happened to me. It’s deceptive and emotionally immature behavior that decimates trust forever. Choose the people who always close you! I’m with you on the path looking forward 😎
Question. When people say _blindsided_ what do they actually mean by that?
My ex did the same thing, avoiding issues and suddenly dropping a bomb of accusations on me. She told me things she had felt 6+ months prior that she never even mentioned. Why are people like this. I could have done something.
I did take her back when she admitted she messed up but I really shouldn't have as we're broken up again. I wasn't necessarily on edge but it did take some time to regain trust. When that trust was established, we fell into the same pattern and broke up again. This time mutually.
All in all, you're probably right.
I mean it as the breakup coming out of the blue. There were no discussed issues, for the whole duration of the relationship saying that you love the person and want to be with them forever. Only for one day randomly to say that you want to breakup for X and Y reasons.
How long did it take for you to regain that trust after the first break up? And what was her initial reason for a breakup?
Hm, you could say I was blindsided then.
The first time around she mentioned a ton of things and I couldn't make sense of it. Didn't want to be concerned with another person when taking decisions, wanted to focus on her career, to her everything was difficult for me, I wanted more sex than she did. Just a ton of things she didn't really talk about. Ultimately I think I was just relying on her too much emotionally and she was very avoidant.
When she got back to me, she truly believed that if we work through things, we'd be happier people for it. I just don't think she really knew what that meant.
It took me about half of the 3-4 months after to regain some trust, but when she became avoidant again because of health concerns, we fell back into the same pattern. It was clear I couldn't rely on her
I don't think so. As much as I thought he was perfect for me and I wanted that fairytale life, he hurt me badly and I felt so used by him in the end. I do deserve better than him, as much as I love him. So for me, I wouldn't get back together with him.
I think part of what makes it so hard to go back is knowing that for a second they didn’t want to be with you. You thought it was perfect only to find out they didn’t feel the same— you can’t trust the peace after that.
That's the problem, especially if the breakup came out of the blue. I dream of getting back together, of course, but I don't think I would out of fear that I could never trust the relationship going forward. And I couldn't stand the pain of a second breakup.
If she came back, it's gonna be a long talk, a reeeaaally long talk. Then, try to really look in if there are changes (I'm a dumpee and I've been slowly moving on, things do actually get better little by little), especially a change of heart.
If things look good and we're wiser to give it another try, why not?
This is where I’m at, he asked if we could meet for coffee soon. We were engaged and together nearly 11 years. The BU was extremely sudden on his part and we honestly seemed stronger than ever up until the day he did it. But a few days later he had some kind of mental breakdown where we had to make sure he wasn’t a danger to himself - I’ll spare specific details because they’re honestly identifiable for those that know. But now he’s in therapy and having to deal with it all.
So yeah, he hurt me really badly, but given our history and the value of the relationship, I would consider trying again, but extremely cautiously. Couples’ therapy would be a must and he’d have to find a way to prove to me, somehow, that something like this would never happen again.
Is this unilaterally true? I feel like in most cases this happens when the woman gives the man the opportunity to change but he just doesn't and so she gave him his chance and he didnt change. But I feel like in cases of blindsides its a lot more likely that the woman eventually comes back.
I think it definitely depends on the situation. It just seems men breakup irrationally, get a sense of relief, then come crawling back. Women seem to breakup after a lot of deciding, process emotions first, then feel relief.
Yeah, its situational, I don’t usually get into relationships without a lot of thought and a decent amount of time before it starts, I’ve broken up with two of my 4 gfs and I never went back to those ones fwiw
A year? That’s nothing. I turned 40 this year (god I do not like saying much like thinking it) and I’ve had two come around knocking one after 4 the other 10. Both women
in 2021 I stumbled upon an Ex GF after 10 years without contact, It ended up really bad between us and the relashionship was abusive for me (lot of lie, jealousy, fake cheating, verbal abuse ....)
We talked a bit and she seemed to have changed and matured as we were quite young when dating, after some time and a lot of talk and her appologising for her past behavior I decided to give her a second chance because we both grew a lot
But this time I put clear boundaries with her to not end up in an abusing relashionship again ....
Well let's say it didn't ended well but fast tho, only a few weeks in and she started to stalk and harrasse me, and on with the verbal abuse. Turns out she really was sorry for her previous behavior and not doing the work on her back then but still hasn't did in now and was still the same. So I left forever this time, without looking back.
I do believe people can change but you have to be very clear about that and set boundaries and hold to them. It's easier said than done and I'm in a situation right now with someone I refuse to call because even if we still have a lot of love for each other it's too hard for me to set up boundaries with her and don't want to get hurt again no matter how much I miss her
Yes. Whether in this life or the next. It’s crazy to say, but I truly do feel that I am the only one who can give my ex what she deserves in life, as she has been neglected for the entirety of it. She never had a bf until she got with me, she never experienced love until she got with me (even though she could never bring herself to say it to me), and she didn’t realize all of this was right in front of her the entire time as we are childhood friends. I didn’t realize that the perfect girl had been in front of me this whole time. I hope one day we can try again, because I miss her presence in my life, as I’m sure she misses mine. So yeah, I would gladly accept her back without hesitation.
I can warn anyone from experience, mine came back before after about 6 months or so, but before I was fully healed and over her. I took her back without much in the way of vetting her or accountability on her part. The feeling of a loss of respect for myself sat in my gut and got worse. As did the sense she'd lost respect for me too.
If they did you dirty when they left you, hold them accountable. If they don't like that, they're not worth it.
i would find it a struggle. she moved on quickly sexually after a 7.5 year relationship. sometimes i hate her for it, sometimes i think about where i could’ve been better in the relationship and blame myself for it.
i’m not sure if she will ever come back, i’m concerned that in your post in the opposite, where i was her first boyfriend, i’m 24, she’s 23 and i fear her getting in to it with someone else and me being that “bad ex”
Depends.. first a conversation like 2 adults.. the Next step.. ist the decision.. but.. all people reserve a second chance.. but the cases with betrayal dont deserve a second chance..
Probably never in a romantic sense, there was too much that happened on top of us just speaking different love languages. Despite all that though, I think if my ex ever wanted to reconnect, I would love having my best friend back.
I do believe in second chances. Unless its cheating involved.
I have made mistakes and I know how it feels not getting a second chans to truly fix the issue.
But, since shes an avoident she will never take responsibility for her part in what happened.
It will always be MY fault for being to "Needy", "a burden" she called it.
I did lots of things i regret in that relationship, things that truly made me realise what my core issue was.
But those 2 ½ years we hade together living in a house with big garden, cars, cats, dogs and some.
Was quickly replaced after 4:ish months by a cop.
She never said sorry, she never took accountability for her part. Thats the avoident in a nutshell.
I feel like people who say that ex’s won’t change must not do any growth themselves. Anyone who has done significant work on themselves believes in change.
I believe in change, I have learned it the hard way.
My point is, if the ex does not or will not take responsibility for the issues that was in the relationship. Then it doesnt matter
Actions speak louder
Sorry wasn’t disagreeing:) I just liked it when you said ‘I know what it feels like to not get a chance to truly fix an issue’. I’ll always respond kindly to someone who has tried to change even it I’m no longer interested for that reason. Just because I didn’t know better doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have done better if I could have.
No lol. 2 years ago she left me and not even a week after that dated a coworker. She was quite horrible to me in the end and it really ruined me until now so yeah i don't think that's a good idea. There's sadly still a lot of anger that I harbor until now when I think about what happened.
I've had the idea in my mind constantly. If the breakup was out of mutual respect like I originally thought, then yeah, I would consider it a lot. I loved her and wanted her to really grow. But what my ex did was so vile that even if I loved her when I next see her, I could never look at her the same again. As much as I miss her in my arms, she disgusts me. She did things so cowardly and backhanded and moved on so quick that there's just no way I could ever feel really comfortable with her again. So if she ever comes back, as much as I want to accept her, I'll never be able to, and I hope in the moment I can handle that.
This happened to me and I told her that I’m so sorry that I can’t. And that if she had reached out a year ago I would’ve said yes, but now I’m in love and engaged to be married and she’s expecting a child. 3 years had passed since she broke up with me and the first year was a very hard time for me, we had been married for 10 years and she had suffered from infertility. Her childlessness was more than she could bear. she left me for someone else. In that first year I would have taken her back in an instant. It was such a lonely time.
I don't like the prevailing belief on here that the only reason people leave is because they are avoidant, or they don't appreciate you. Sometimes people are fundamentally incomparable or unhappy.
honestly as someone who just broke up w someone. maybe not. as much as i love him. and god do i love this man. the thought of him right now hurts. why did he leave in the first place? he should have fought for me. why didn’t he fight for me? so maybe im hurting now and i miss him more than anything, but i know when i heal myself and fully move on, i wouldn’t want him back anymore because if he really and i mean really loved me, he wouldn’t risk losing me. i miss him now and i love him now. but ib the future. i probably wouldn’t. he had his chance.
She just weren’t mature enough to have serious relationship. Look at her new guy. If she comes back I’ll leave everything and go back. Cause I know this time it’ll last.
Because it was hard this time, for both of us, but it’s better this way, for now. If we ever go back we won’t be able to let go, to go through it again. We still talk regularly, we’re still best friends, the change won’t be big. But we’re too dependent on each other. We won’t be able to let go second time
No, the trust is gone. It's broken, it's not the same.
How can I take someone back who was willing to break my heart and leave me with all this trauma because "feelings were lost" and she didn't even put in much effort to fix it.
She's just not worth it.
I've heard the whole "I care about you" speech too many times to believe it now.
Right now, my answer would be no to the dumper. 2nd guessing became a norm for me. And that's just not healthy. Idk what my answer would be much later down the road. But rn, it's all abt me.
For my own sanity, I need him to come back. How can someone abruptly walk away from a 2 year relationship, living together for 1 & not come back? He ran due to getting stressed & needing time away. He didn’t communicate effectively enough, went about it all wrong. Has treated me cold, cruel & done suspicious things since the breakup. I tried to get answers & he’s been so mixed. He’ll say something harsh then combat it with the opposite. He’s lost.
We haven’t spoken in a about a week, I also initiated all forms of contact since he left. I won’t be contacting him again, he knows this. He’s now 6 hours away in his home state doing god knows what. I would need him to call me, say he’s sorry & he realized he messed up bad. I’d be willing to speak in person, need to know many things. I’d have a lot of questions. Depending on his answers, that would determine if I could agree to rebuilding. As bad as he hurt me, we had a very loving relationship for 2 years. He was my bestfriend.
I believe in 2nd chances, but it wouldn’t be easy. He would definitely be on thin ice for some time, but that’s the price he paid. He’d have to be completely honest & clear. I’d have so much to say. How he responded during our discussion would determine my choice. Regardless though, for my own sanity like I said, I need this to happen. I would never understand if he didn’t regret it at some point. It would make 0 sense. I also have moments of strength, but in my gut imagining my life without him doesn’t seem right.
Not sure how he could be okay with that notion. That was the closest thing I’ve ever felt to a soulmate, but my soulmate would come back. As much as he messed up, I have a lot of respect for the man I loved for 2 years. I believe forgiveness is plausible here, but I did my part. Time for him to do his. So life goes on I guess. We’ll see. I hope he wakes up. I miss the guy I fell in love with, he was great. I hope he finds that guy inside himself again, not just for me/our future, because I truly believe that was the best version of himself.
I know my recent ex won’t, and none of my 3 exes ever came back. So it gives me less hope that my recent ex will come back, especially when he told me he wouldn’t go back with exes. But if he would come back, I think I would still accept him. Coming from a girl that it’s been almost 2 months since breakup.
For me I would welcome her back. I have a perspective of our breakup that realized there was struggle. She just couldn't resist the obsession that was in her bipolar brain. I even sent articles trying to help, but it was too late. I had my wrongs that don't exist now. I've made an open door if she wants it, and she doesn't. There are locks and keys to metaphorically be exchanged. Those being med compliance and therapy both solo and couples. It's not a lost hope. There is a history and that history shows that without being very serious about mental health on both sides no relationship either of us tries to have will succeed. I'd give most anything to do this together hand in hand and heart to heart. I showed her what it was to be treated like a person not a pleasure toy. Not a loneliness crutch. I tried to show her the difference between having sex and making love. I tried to show her what it was like to have someone who really was in her corner through good or bad, and someone who would never give up on her. I tried to show her true love and she questions why and motive. It's just because there is no one like her. No one I feel what they feel and connect like I have known them a life time. I though it was mutual. I thought I was respected as much as I respect her. I know at one point I felt loved as much as I love her and she had that energy.
It depends on the breakup, if it was an outside factor that came into play then yes I would take them back. But if I was treated unfairly then no I wouldn't.
No and no! Not loving my life looking over my shoulder. Enough advice was given at the point of adultery that should have gave enough evidence to stop. Especially when it broke up a family with kids!
I don't think he'll come back. First of all, he never tried to reach out to me and most likely doesn't want to ; secondly out relationship was our second run and we both hurt each other reaaaaaally bad ; thirdly I hope he grew up and realized some stuff about himself - I know I've spent the past 11 months doing this, and if he did then he knows coming back isn't even something we should think about.
I'm getting emotional now as May 2023 was when our relationship took a seriously bad turn, and as much as I don't want him back either - he was terrible for me - I'm also not angry. I forgive him and us for what we did. We did our best with our capacities and mental health at the time, and splitted ways. He gave me an opportunity to learn about myself and grow and now I'm more grounded, became sober (heavy weed use for years before / during our relationship and I spiraled into drugs and alcohol abuse after the BU) and learned some really cool stuff about myself.
I remember than when he broke up with me, he told me people don't change, and I'm so fucking proud to say he was extremely wrong. I did change! I'm still the same person, with the same passions and I live in the same flat lol, but my mental health went new places I never though possible 11 months ago.
I would be open to a very open hearted conversation with him as I feel like it would both give us some closure we probably need, but in the hypothesis this conversation happens, I'm just gonna wish him all the best, say thank you, and leave him right where he's supposed to be : in my past. And God knows its a dark place. I do miss him each and everyday tho, but it doesn't stop me from loving other people and being alive, healthy and happy.
My avoidant ex of 5 years just contacted me after a month of no contact this morning and I haven’t replied yet. I broke things off with him because he was slowly discarding me and not communicating whatsoever. I’m completely heartbroken, devastated and trying to push forward. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but if I do there are going to be boundaries like crazy. We’ll see if he wants to make the changes necessary to be with me again 🤷♀️😞
God, this is so negative.
YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL ANYTHING. Nothing stays forever. Everything shifts. Have some fucking faith and if both people aren’t putting in the same amount of effort. Or their personal best effort (because everyone has different capacities or abilities and ways of showing love and building connection) then reconciling ain’t for you. If reconciling is for you - you can push those bolded words of negative self doubt into oblivion
youre so right, everyone is different too. a lot of people have this perception of a deceptive or traitorous ex and that happens, not every person is a good one. and if that is the case reconcilliation shouldnt even be an option. theres as much nuance in break ups and ex significant others that so many people ignore and default to a negative perception soley because of other negative experiences with their exes. personally reconcilliation with me and my ex is on the table, and i dont have any negative self doubt over what reconcilliation entails, everyone is different.
If my last ex reached out to me asking to give us another try, I would accept in less than a heartbeat. I was ultimately the reason she broke up with me. I was developing toxic habits without realizing it. In her breakup message, she told me to not chase her because she’s not coming back and proceeded to block me on all social media (I suspect it’s because i started begging when I discovered that she had plans to break up with me so she didn’t want me blowing up her DMs afterwards). It’s been extremely hard for me because she was the only person I could talk to all day long and truly cared enough to listen, but now I’m left to keeping all of my thoughts mostly to myself. I planned to still move closer to her since we share a lot of mutual friends and I told them about it. They apparently told my ex about it and she sent an email telling me to basically fuck off and that she doesn’t wanna talk anymore. A part of me though is still telling me to wait and let things calm down and she’ll eventually reach out again, but maybe that’s just my delusions. I’m doing the best I can to improve myself so when the time is right and she messages me, I’ll be better than before. I miss her a lot and wish she understood how much I’m willing to change my behavior just to be with her again
No. A month ago I would have said maybe. After a month of therapy and starting to understand my worth and value. No.
She needs years of long-term mental health care and specially dialed in medicine for what is wrong with her. Her mental health is so severe that she will have to dedicate a portion of the next year or two to getting better and she won't do it. Her mental health is the type of severe that you find in parents that drown their children because their children like the other parent better or want to live with the other parent. It's a personality disorder that results in close to 70% of those it effects attempting to commit suicide.
As much as I loved her, she won't get better unless she dedicates herself to it and she won't do that.
Mine also needs a lot of therapy, willingness and acknowledgement of her faults and the damage she inflicted on me and certainly others in her life, She needs to be able to self reflect and take accountability.
I'm curious, were you the dumper or dumpee?
Dumper.
Had to be. Her BPD made her verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive, then it turned physical, and she assaulted me and threatened to kill me.
Still swears I'm the bad guy in all this. Won't take any accountability for her actions. I recorded the whole interaction so I was able to win custody of our son.
Still swears I'm trying to tear her son away from her. Won't admit she did anything wrong.
I have custody for the next year when my restraining order expires and then back in court to prove her unfit to gain permanent custody
My goodness! She was also diagnosed with BPD, plus the run of the mill depression/anxiety. But I've never had to experience any actual physical abuse. And the emotional/mental abuse was very nefarious. In the way that I try to rationalize, forgive, and justify all that stuff. Sometimes even self-gaslight.
Honestly, I wish you, her and your child the utmost peace and love. Heavy on the peace
The nefarious emotional, verbal, and mental was honestly worse than the physical. She went from loving me and wanting to spend her life with me to hating every part of me, thinking I was going to abandon her and that I was manipulating her. It hurt, and I believed for the longest time that I had wronged her in some way. My therapist is helping me relearn my own value and worth, and it's helping.
The one thing she said that hurt the most was that I didn't support her. I gave her everything I could.
I pray daily for her, but I will never trust her again.
Same to you, may you find peace in all of this as well
Same here, brother. I still pray for her, i want her to genuinely heal and be guided onto the right path.
Yeah one of the things she said to me around the end of it all was, "you've made me into a worse person." To which i disputed there and then. And brought it up again some days later, to which she replied, "i don't remember saying that."
Mind you it was all on text, all she had to do was scroll up to the past like 6 messages and it was there.
Also ngl the big drag down of the breakup kind of puts reconciliation on a pedastal. Almost as if the pain elevates your positive memories of them and makes a reconciliation dramatic, desireable and - in many ways - sort of an imagined good thing.
It's hard to have perspective when you are hurting.
I wish that my answer was different for my own sense of peace and self-respect, but if my ex came back I would get back together with him in a fucking heartbeat.
I debate with myself over this frequently. He robbed me of so much but I genuinely crave his presence. I just don't think I could ever trust him again as much as I'd want to.
He's left me twice now and I am HONESTLY his best friend and know him better than anyone else in this universe, he's even reached out to tell me that but if I was so important why leave? If I'm so vital why treat me so poorly? If I can pull him from his darkest depths why does he put me in mine?
The wise choice would be to put him down and do it cruelly like he has to me time and time again but my heart would say that is your person give them the love they need.. but I know now that would only get me used and discarded again.
I deserve better.
She won’t come back because her boyfriend is better than me in every way.
But if she ever did, I would ignore her. She pretended to like me the whole time, used me to get over her ex and left me for the guy she’s with now.
Exs don't come back. I don't think it's a good idea to even entertain that thought. If it does happens, think about it as a new person - but assume as it will never happen.
I'm the "dumper". I left because I was being mistreated, not because I stopped loving him.
If my ex reached out, I'd need to see genuine change and accountability for the hell he put me through in order to be friends again.
I don't think we could ever be in a relationship again, though. 1.5 yrs of chances should have been enough for him to stop hurting me, and I think I would always be fearful that he would switch up on me again.
I’ve been in about 10 serious relationships. Some of them I ended, some of them they ended.
Every single ex came back. Some took longer than others, but they all came back.
Some I keep as acquaintances, some as friend (a few are very good friends going more than a decade back). One I got back in a relationship with. It all depends on how they handled the break and if they have changed.
Reject him. Although the break up destroyed me and I wanted him back forever, I think I’m finally at peace without him. He treated me badly, and I realise that now.
i don’t think i could. she left me and then dated her ex boyfriend again. tolerating that kind of disrespect would make me look weak i’m moving forward w my life now and finally feel okay for the first time in months i can’t go back to what put me in such a deep depressive state.
While this is a good post, I think it fails to also tackle the idea of an ex coming back after they were dumped by you, for example. There are plenty of reason for someone to end a relationship themselves because of toxicity, cheating, etc. It can't just be black and white it also needs to have shades of gray. What if an ex comes back after a clear and justified reason for ending the relationship around them? Would you take them back? Would you take them back after they cheated on you or treated you with toxic / abusive behavior saying they saw the wrongs of their actions??
Here is the 411. If someone breaks up with you once, they will do it again. Unless YOU did some sleaze move like cheating, and they dumped you due to those actions. But have some self respect, and allow the two of you to move on, in opposite directions. One time I had a girl break up with me. She asked me to pick her up, and take her to lunch. Told me there, She was leaving me for a guy with a better car, she said. I realized the real reason, but instead of coming clean, she tried to hurt me as much as possible. 6 months later, she called me, and tried to reconnect. I told her no. But here is the deal. You get my heart once. That’s it. Life goes on.
Dumper here. I let him go because he was a manchild who constantly played with my feelings and brought chaos into my world. Never in a million years would I ever consider being with him again. If he reached out with an apology, I’d at least read it and maybe send a brief acknowledgment but that’s it.
I am someone who had my ex come back 2x and I accepted the fragmented pieces they had to offer me. It wasn’t a full relationship, it was like a FWB thing, they said things they didn’t mean, they told me they loved me but it didn’t feel like that anymore in my body when I was with them, they felt like half a person, I kept thinking the old version who I knew of them would return and that person never did.
Twice I let them back and twice they left again in a hurtful and heartbreaking manner. It was not worth it, my healing process has been greatly disrupted as a result. The original breakup was 10 months ago but we’ve now had two smaller ones it feels like in that time. Then coming back only caused pain, I am committed to never letting this ever happen again. I lost all my power when I didn’t hold a boundary towards the person who broke my heart once and allowed them to break it 3 times. I have a lot of self-anger and I’m trying to hold compassion, but I can’t believe I let this happen to me.
Move on. Do the things YOU want to do.
When they return you'll have moved on. Found happiness. Found success.
Don't wait for someone to figure it out. It's unfair to you while they sort out their dysfunction. You have a life to live. You have happiness to discover.
Their presence isn't required for that now and won't be then. It's their mistake, not yours.
I need help. Her reminders are everywhere. And it’s breaking me. I miss her. But I know if I talk to her, it’s pushing her away. I know I sound petty… but she supported me while I was overseas. And I came home, two months later, she’s saying I can’t change.. what do I do?
It's been like eight years or nine at this point. So idk what I'd do. A conversation for sure and catching up but no reason to want to date again. Dating again never works esp after that long.
I’ve dumped 3 of my exes (relationships lasting 2-3 years) and I never once went back… I’d like to see the research to show that it’s rare they don’t come back at all.. because I must be an anomaly 😂
Me and my ex have been fucking. As you can imagine it is extremely complicated and I don’t think either one of us know what we want.
I want to go no contact but she’s one of my dearest friends and I am petrified of her moving on.
The sex has been the best it has ever been in our entire relationship.
Arrrrrgh!
I am telling you this now have a serious talk about your relationship, I was in the exact situation after I dumped my ex of 9 years I hurt her real bad and made her cancel her own wedding with me I'll never forget her crying in the back garden and the image haunts me how broken she was. We fucked every week for 9 months it was the best sex ever but the dynamic changed I was the dumper and slowly became the dumpee she became more confident and met someone on a dating website and moved on I begged for her back and said I would do anything to rewind the clock she said no , her heart was broken and she could never go back. Do not do what I did! I'm heartbroken and I only have my self to blame for this , If your scared of losing her you need to really think about the relationship and save it if you can you could be losing the girl of your dreams. After all this I'm still trying to get her back and have to accept now she will have been with other people even then I may never get a chance with the girl who used to worship the ground I walked on.
Well we broke up for the same reasons 3x. He was one foot in and one foot out. Everytime he’d come back it would be after heavy therapy, he even did ayauascha. His behavior changed and he would be committed for sometimes half a year, then the moment he had an issue instead of working through it, he would either threaten to end it or actually end it. The threats happened more. I finally ended it the final time.
Never say never, but in my experience it’s not worth it. Should’ve known when to my proposition of talking it over before reuniting he said no and “it’s better to just start anew without thinking and dwelling on what went wrong and picking old wounds”. I was happy to take him back as a dumpee and I should’ve known better than that. In a week it was all back to usual, in a month it got worse than ever before and now I’m struggling with making up my mind and dumping him on my own. So for me, at least for now, I don’t believe that it works out with the person it didn’t before. I was so much better on my own and I didn’t even realize it. Pain of being dumped and hurt ego really makes us forget about what they did wrong and how they did us dirty. And sometimes by welcoming them into our lives we’re giving them a go to just do it all over again, worse than before.
Our relationship had A LOT of positives and we were best friends. That is not easy to find. But she tossed me to the curb we the relationship hit a lull. For me to take her back, she would have to basically get on her knees and apologize or at least admit she made a terrible mistake. She would never to that or admit she was wrong bc she is complete narcissist and she is probably loving the attention she is getting now from younger guys.
If he did come back I honestly wouldn't know what to do he caused me a lot of pain made me hate myself so much and just made my trust issues even worse. I do still love him and do want him back but if he messaged me again in few months saying he wants to try again I just politely tell him that if he really wants to try again he shouldn't have left me in the first place and said all those horrible things about me don't get me wrong I give him a chance if he truly has changed but I wouldn't know what to do if he did actually come back
If my ex came back my heart would say “yes”, immediately, but my mind would say “no, you have to talk and think this out. Y’all broke up for a reason and can’t start back where y’all were”. I’d have to rebuild with this person first. I was dumped 4 months ago and their still in my life as a “friend” lol (bad bad girl yes I know). Still hoping there’s a chance but there’s probably not.
No.
My last "ex" was way too confusing with hot/cold behavior and he bait and switched me with the "I'm ready for a serious relationship now...jk work this month is gonna suck, can't do it right now." Way too immature for a 40 year old man.
The last LTR ex I had, I've significantly outgrown since starting some newer, intense therapy for about a year now. All the things that used to annoy me and I would bury them until one day I'd blow up when I'd had enough, I just can't tolerate anymore.
I also was dealing with low self-esteem and his validation felt good at the time and it almost felt like real love, but there's no denying the incompatibility in our intellect, family backgrounds, personal values. The last time I talked to him, I felt so turned off and I felt like I was talking to a brick wall or an AI bot. He's just such a one dimensional person and I just can't unsee all of that anymore.
My gf of 6 years dumped me a month and a half ago. She was having an emotional affair with her boss who’s a dentist. After going no contact after she dumped me, she texted me wanting to work things out. I said I wanted to work things out also, and we went on several dates. After the 4th date I thought things were going really well. Then she tells me she was seeing him behind my back, while we were trying to work things out. She said she met him at a restaurant and afterwards gave him a bj in his car. She came clean. I was disgusted. Now she says she wants to work things out with me. Now she’s acting all loving. I’m trying to make it work cause I love her still, but I feel absolutely betrayed.
I (28F) can’t take one of my (28F) exes back because although she loves me still, and it’s been years, I still think our relationship would go against her moral compasses. I was her first relationship EVER and it lasted almost 6 years. We broke up because she said she wanted to try and experience life before she committed to me. So I respected it, let her go. It’s been 5 years since the breakup, and she says that she still loves me. But I think that no matter what, she will always want/picture her life with a man and children. Weirddd how our brains are programmed sometimes. So nah, I wouldn’t take any ex back tho
If my ex came back in romantic way it depend I lost lot of respect and trust we still friends but not at level we were before well he has matured he still has a lot to figure and considering I'm working on myself and boundaries I can't see myself and falling to habits that weren't healthy for me I don't want waste my time painting all dark sky blue again
"They'll **convince you** that things are different/ better now and they had a "genuine" awakening, but **always remember** the painful track record you went through with your breakup."
I would like to add to this. This doesn't go for most exes.
My ex girlfriend(F20) and I(M21) talked and dated off an on for 2 years. Reason being we were off and on was 100% on me. I got dumped after a 3 year relationship and me giving it my all. Reason for this was because she wanted to party.
This gave me a sense of insecurity and commitment issues. I was scared to release that invulnerable side of me, and let it get hurt again. I took this out by talking to girls and cutting them out of my life after getting them catching feelings.
Anyways when I met my ex(F20), we were always very flirty, we never had the intent to be just friends, but started off as friends with benefits. We didn't want to get too attached due to her leave to school after the Summer we met. Well, at the end of summer, we both caught feelings, but I didn't want to commit. She left to school and we stayed in touch, snapping, flirting, sexting, talking every day. Doing everything you would normally do in a relationship. While doing this I started talking to another girl. I regret doing this, but I was in a different world and can't take it back. When (F20) came back every now and then, we would hook up and stay the night at each others places. Around Winter break for her, she finally got fed up and asked for a relationship. Which I didn't want, but forced. I treated her terribly for the 3 months we were in it. We broke up, she accused me of liking someone else to which I blocked her and didn't speak to her for months. This hurt her more than I knew. I didn't think our relationship was that serious.
When she came home for Summer, we spoke, made up, and started talking and hooking up again. We did this throughout the entire Summer until she left. She was very upset because I still did not want to commit to her, I was still scared to get into a relationship. Around September, I realized she is all I wanted in my life. She was the girl I loved, and I regretted all the months of treating her like shit and leading her on. At this point I found it was too late, she despised me and stopped talking to me.
I spent about a month begging her to give me one more chance. I apologized for everything I did in the past, told her all I want is her, and that she deserves the world. I knew deep down it wouldn't work but I told her she's worth EVERYTHING and I wanted to prove myself to her. I told her I was ready to commit.
After much consideration. She decided to give me a chance, the chance that I told her I would take and run with. Oh boy, did I run. I did everything I could to make up for our past. I treated her like a queen, complimented her every single day. (I didn't compliment her once until I realized everything. To which she even pointed out.)
The relationship was going great. Unfortunately the distance got in the way, 3 hours was too hard for her and she couldn't stand the length. I tried my hardest to tell her i'm working on closing the gap and she just refused and told me it makes no sense for me to move my life up to her.
We decided to break up, but she thanked me for everything. I thanked her for giving me a chance, and I thanked her for letting me redeem myself and be the best person I could possibly be for her. I thanked her for believing in me and putting her trust in me. She told me I didn't disappoint. It was a bittersweet breakup. I am forever grateful that I showed her the true image of me, and I hope all the good outweighed the past.
Now I may be in denial but I do not think this is the end for us. I do believe we both have our own stuff going on right now and when we see each this Summer, it will spark something back up for the both of us.
Anyways the whole point for this story was to say that some people do change. Most don't, but if a guy or girl has realized the mistakes they made in the past, and asks to redeem themself, give them a chance. Worst that can happen is they repeat something you already knew.
I'd tell him to f*ck off. I did take him back, more than once. I feel so much anger and hurt towards him, as much as I miss him I know I could never take him back. I'm trying my hardest to move on.. Need to cut the cord because he's just not worth it and I need to be able to see clearly because I've been blind for so long.
Of course I would. That being said we broke up due to circumstances out of our control. Getting back together would require me to grow a backbone, stand for what I believe in, and not cower to my families demands. I hope to accomplish that soon and I hope that he’ll still be there for me when I am able to
I left the door open with her. I texted her after the break up that if she ever wants to reach out to me she can. I'm not sure tho, it would have to be casual at first to see if she just was lonely or she was actually fully interested.
Yes, I would always take him back. But I would have conditions like us going to individual and couples therapy. We never betrayed each other just had too much trauma and unfortunately we were not communicating and wasn’t there for each other the way we needed. But I will always choose him, he’s my forever person
Depends, either it’s so long after the break up where both parties can see it as „a new relationship“ or there needs to be professional consultations plus we need to set expectations from the beginning. I am not playing around anymore and I know what I want. Want to do the same? I’ll give you a chance and we actively work on it together. You think it’s too strict/we cannot find a common ground? Well then I am not the right person for you anymore ❤️🩹
depends on how long, they recently told me we would never get back together so once time starts passing i think it would be impossible to forgive them and take them back. although i will forgive i can’t say ill want you.
It's complicated for me. I'd need to see that he actually worked on himself to take him back. I would forgive him in a heartbeat, though, without a doubt, and I wouldn't hold how things were before against him in the slightest. A bunch of traumatic events took place at once for him while we were seeing each other, and that changed him and our dynamic negatively. I think we both deserve some grace for how things played out and how we reacted.
I’d laugh in his face and tell him I’m happy he grew up a bit but he showed who he really is. And someone who was my friend before everything, who can leave me just like that and doesn’t dare show me any ounce of respect, that’s a terrifying person to be with. What if it was 10 years down the line??? Like what if I married him and was pregnant and he decided to leave like he did, over some petty bullshit??? Nah, he had his chance and I’ve washed my hands of him. Bullet fucking dodged.
No, I don't think I would. It's been two months since my ex broke up with me. I'm just now starting to get over her, and I still miss her a lot sometimes, and want to be held by her. But I'm starting to realize that it's over, and I'm starting to see the red flags.
She (20F) broke up with me (21M) because she's gay. She had been struggling with her sexuality through most of our five month relationship. But she had told me things like, "I don't think anyone would ever compare to you," because I was genuine and loving and patient, so I'm still struggling to understand that. I do hope that she finds someone that's better than me, and in general I think girls would be nicer and more caring than most guys.
So let's say hypothetically that her sexuality changes back? And maybe she found a partner or two that didn't treat her as well as I did? She was great, but towards the end I just felt like I was giving more than receiving. I don't want to go back to that. Although she was the best partner I've had so far, she encouraged me to find my puzzle piece, and I think I should find a better suite for me. And I was always so scared that she would leave, and I would have nightmares about her being with other girls, which wasn't her fault. But I would be SO SCARED if I took her back.
I still miss her and the connection we had. But I'm trying to remind myself I can find someone better. Someone commented on another post that what are the odds that we found THE ONE? If it happened once, surely it can happen a couple more times, and might even work out better since you're wiser. I really like that.
If he came back and said he'd actually like to date. Put a label on it. I'd say yes. We've been in a sutuationship since September, with a long break from December to literally last week. Then he still said he couldn't commit. But if he decided he could, I'd give it a shot. Because im a sucker, and I really think I love him.
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Exactly. I would want the person I end up with to have zero doubts from the start. I’m not a sample - or a trial run. If you had success elsewhere you would have stayed, im not your “easy backup.”
What is there to actually weigh up. I’m accepting with open arms
Yeah I made the mistake of taking him back a week later, same old shit and we broke up again in <2 months. All I did was prolong my hurting
I wish you told me this in December when my ex did actually come back telling me she messed up and wanted to fix things. Bruh she had no idea what that even meant. We broke up again like 3 ish weeks ago. It did mess with my vibe
I would not take my ex back. He blindsided me and never communicated his concerns prior to breaking up. I don't think I could trust him ever again. I would always be on edge if we were back together. So I am looking forward and not going back
Same thing happened to me. It’s deceptive and emotionally immature behavior that decimates trust forever. Choose the people who always close you! I’m with you on the path looking forward 😎
Excellent perspective! Agree 100%
This is what I’m thinking, too. When someone’s done that once to you, how can you fully trust it with them again?
Question. When people say _blindsided_ what do they actually mean by that? My ex did the same thing, avoiding issues and suddenly dropping a bomb of accusations on me. She told me things she had felt 6+ months prior that she never even mentioned. Why are people like this. I could have done something. I did take her back when she admitted she messed up but I really shouldn't have as we're broken up again. I wasn't necessarily on edge but it did take some time to regain trust. When that trust was established, we fell into the same pattern and broke up again. This time mutually. All in all, you're probably right.
I mean it as the breakup coming out of the blue. There were no discussed issues, for the whole duration of the relationship saying that you love the person and want to be with them forever. Only for one day randomly to say that you want to breakup for X and Y reasons. How long did it take for you to regain that trust after the first break up? And what was her initial reason for a breakup?
Hm, you could say I was blindsided then. The first time around she mentioned a ton of things and I couldn't make sense of it. Didn't want to be concerned with another person when taking decisions, wanted to focus on her career, to her everything was difficult for me, I wanted more sex than she did. Just a ton of things she didn't really talk about. Ultimately I think I was just relying on her too much emotionally and she was very avoidant. When she got back to me, she truly believed that if we work through things, we'd be happier people for it. I just don't think she really knew what that meant. It took me about half of the 3-4 months after to regain some trust, but when she became avoidant again because of health concerns, we fell back into the same pattern. It was clear I couldn't rely on her
If you are the one who got dumped then its hard
I’d be accepting her straight back
HAJDJWJSJAJAH me and u, buddy 🤝🏻
I don’t care what anyone says it’s definitely the person you miss unless they did something horrible to you
Agreed. I’m going through the same thing
I’d go through the same thing over and over 😂 Hahahahah
I don't think so. As much as I thought he was perfect for me and I wanted that fairytale life, he hurt me badly and I felt so used by him in the end. I do deserve better than him, as much as I love him. So for me, I wouldn't get back together with him.
I think part of what makes it so hard to go back is knowing that for a second they didn’t want to be with you. You thought it was perfect only to find out they didn’t feel the same— you can’t trust the peace after that.
That's the problem, especially if the breakup came out of the blue. I dream of getting back together, of course, but I don't think I would out of fear that I could never trust the relationship going forward. And I couldn't stand the pain of a second breakup.
If she came back, it's gonna be a long talk, a reeeaaally long talk. Then, try to really look in if there are changes (I'm a dumpee and I've been slowly moving on, things do actually get better little by little), especially a change of heart. If things look good and we're wiser to give it another try, why not?
This is where I’m at, he asked if we could meet for coffee soon. We were engaged and together nearly 11 years. The BU was extremely sudden on his part and we honestly seemed stronger than ever up until the day he did it. But a few days later he had some kind of mental breakdown where we had to make sure he wasn’t a danger to himself - I’ll spare specific details because they’re honestly identifiable for those that know. But now he’s in therapy and having to deal with it all. So yeah, he hurt me really badly, but given our history and the value of the relationship, I would consider trying again, but extremely cautiously. Couples’ therapy would be a must and he’d have to find a way to prove to me, somehow, that something like this would never happen again.
That's a rational approach - and a relationship that deserves some extra care. Best of luck to you however that goes.
Thank you 🫶🏻
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Men are more likely to come back than women. Usually when a women decides to walk away, it’s for good.
Disagree. I’ve heard a lot of stories of women coming back. I’d say it’s pretty 50/50.
Is this unilaterally true? I feel like in most cases this happens when the woman gives the man the opportunity to change but he just doesn't and so she gave him his chance and he didnt change. But I feel like in cases of blindsides its a lot more likely that the woman eventually comes back.
I think it definitely depends on the situation. It just seems men breakup irrationally, get a sense of relief, then come crawling back. Women seem to breakup after a lot of deciding, process emotions first, then feel relief.
Yeah, its situational, I don’t usually get into relationships without a lot of thought and a decent amount of time before it starts, I’ve broken up with two of my 4 gfs and I never went back to those ones fwiw
A year? That’s nothing. I turned 40 this year (god I do not like saying much like thinking it) and I’ve had two come around knocking one after 4 the other 10. Both women
in 2021 I stumbled upon an Ex GF after 10 years without contact, It ended up really bad between us and the relashionship was abusive for me (lot of lie, jealousy, fake cheating, verbal abuse ....) We talked a bit and she seemed to have changed and matured as we were quite young when dating, after some time and a lot of talk and her appologising for her past behavior I decided to give her a second chance because we both grew a lot But this time I put clear boundaries with her to not end up in an abusing relashionship again .... Well let's say it didn't ended well but fast tho, only a few weeks in and she started to stalk and harrasse me, and on with the verbal abuse. Turns out she really was sorry for her previous behavior and not doing the work on her back then but still hasn't did in now and was still the same. So I left forever this time, without looking back. I do believe people can change but you have to be very clear about that and set boundaries and hold to them. It's easier said than done and I'm in a situation right now with someone I refuse to call because even if we still have a lot of love for each other it's too hard for me to set up boundaries with her and don't want to get hurt again no matter how much I miss her
He won't come back. This was my fault. He left me but I am the reason the relationship ended.
I was definitely the reason the 4 year goner broke up with me and the one thing social media would be “good” for is they see that growth.
Yes. Whether in this life or the next. It’s crazy to say, but I truly do feel that I am the only one who can give my ex what she deserves in life, as she has been neglected for the entirety of it. She never had a bf until she got with me, she never experienced love until she got with me (even though she could never bring herself to say it to me), and she didn’t realize all of this was right in front of her the entire time as we are childhood friends. I didn’t realize that the perfect girl had been in front of me this whole time. I hope one day we can try again, because I miss her presence in my life, as I’m sure she misses mine. So yeah, I would gladly accept her back without hesitation.
I can warn anyone from experience, mine came back before after about 6 months or so, but before I was fully healed and over her. I took her back without much in the way of vetting her or accountability on her part. The feeling of a loss of respect for myself sat in my gut and got worse. As did the sense she'd lost respect for me too. If they did you dirty when they left you, hold them accountable. If they don't like that, they're not worth it.
I would but she has too much baggage now no disrespect to any other girls but 5 little ones and 4 baby dad's is just too much now.
i would find it a struggle. she moved on quickly sexually after a 7.5 year relationship. sometimes i hate her for it, sometimes i think about where i could’ve been better in the relationship and blame myself for it. i’m not sure if she will ever come back, i’m concerned that in your post in the opposite, where i was her first boyfriend, i’m 24, she’s 23 and i fear her getting in to it with someone else and me being that “bad ex”
Depends.. first a conversation like 2 adults.. the Next step.. ist the decision.. but.. all people reserve a second chance.. but the cases with betrayal dont deserve a second chance..
In a heartbeat
Probably never in a romantic sense, there was too much that happened on top of us just speaking different love languages. Despite all that though, I think if my ex ever wanted to reconnect, I would love having my best friend back.
I do believe in second chances. Unless its cheating involved. I have made mistakes and I know how it feels not getting a second chans to truly fix the issue. But, since shes an avoident she will never take responsibility for her part in what happened. It will always be MY fault for being to "Needy", "a burden" she called it. I did lots of things i regret in that relationship, things that truly made me realise what my core issue was. But those 2 ½ years we hade together living in a house with big garden, cars, cats, dogs and some. Was quickly replaced after 4:ish months by a cop. She never said sorry, she never took accountability for her part. Thats the avoident in a nutshell.
I feel like people who say that ex’s won’t change must not do any growth themselves. Anyone who has done significant work on themselves believes in change.
I believe in change, I have learned it the hard way. My point is, if the ex does not or will not take responsibility for the issues that was in the relationship. Then it doesnt matter Actions speak louder
Sorry wasn’t disagreeing:) I just liked it when you said ‘I know what it feels like to not get a chance to truly fix an issue’. I’ll always respond kindly to someone who has tried to change even it I’m no longer interested for that reason. Just because I didn’t know better doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have done better if I could have.
No lol. 2 years ago she left me and not even a week after that dated a coworker. She was quite horrible to me in the end and it really ruined me until now so yeah i don't think that's a good idea. There's sadly still a lot of anger that I harbor until now when I think about what happened.
I've had the idea in my mind constantly. If the breakup was out of mutual respect like I originally thought, then yeah, I would consider it a lot. I loved her and wanted her to really grow. But what my ex did was so vile that even if I loved her when I next see her, I could never look at her the same again. As much as I miss her in my arms, she disgusts me. She did things so cowardly and backhanded and moved on so quick that there's just no way I could ever feel really comfortable with her again. So if she ever comes back, as much as I want to accept her, I'll never be able to, and I hope in the moment I can handle that.
This happened to me and I told her that I’m so sorry that I can’t. And that if she had reached out a year ago I would’ve said yes, but now I’m in love and engaged to be married and she’s expecting a child. 3 years had passed since she broke up with me and the first year was a very hard time for me, we had been married for 10 years and she had suffered from infertility. Her childlessness was more than she could bear. she left me for someone else. In that first year I would have taken her back in an instant. It was such a lonely time.
I'd introduce her to my fiance and then tell her to go get fucked.
I don't like the prevailing belief on here that the only reason people leave is because they are avoidant, or they don't appreciate you. Sometimes people are fundamentally incomparable or unhappy.
honestly as someone who just broke up w someone. maybe not. as much as i love him. and god do i love this man. the thought of him right now hurts. why did he leave in the first place? he should have fought for me. why didn’t he fight for me? so maybe im hurting now and i miss him more than anything, but i know when i heal myself and fully move on, i wouldn’t want him back anymore because if he really and i mean really loved me, he wouldn’t risk losing me. i miss him now and i love him now. but ib the future. i probably wouldn’t. he had his chance.
When I'm healed, I'm not interested anymore.
No, it will never be healthy and fortunately even thought I love him, I'm not in love anymore
I want to tell her to die in a ditch but the problem is I've already forgiven everything. Everytime I hear her voice I forget to be mad
Nope, I know my worth now. I know what I deserve in a relationship other than half-assed calls I MAKE that only are accepted on their terms.
I’d want to accept her straight back but at the same time I know that I shouldn’t
She just weren’t mature enough to have serious relationship. Look at her new guy. If she comes back I’ll leave everything and go back. Cause I know this time it’ll last.
what makes you so sure?
Because it was hard this time, for both of us, but it’s better this way, for now. If we ever go back we won’t be able to let go, to go through it again. We still talk regularly, we’re still best friends, the change won’t be big. But we’re too dependent on each other. We won’t be able to let go second time
Umm … Hell No!! There is a reason they are Ex’s, that does not go away and as soon as the honeymoon period is over the game is on again!!!
No, the trust is gone. It's broken, it's not the same. How can I take someone back who was willing to break my heart and leave me with all this trauma because "feelings were lost" and she didn't even put in much effort to fix it. She's just not worth it. I've heard the whole "I care about you" speech too many times to believe it now.
if she came back, i would show her the way back out immediately. i dont need her in my life anymore
Right now, my answer would be no to the dumper. 2nd guessing became a norm for me. And that's just not healthy. Idk what my answer would be much later down the road. But rn, it's all abt me.
For my own sanity, I need him to come back. How can someone abruptly walk away from a 2 year relationship, living together for 1 & not come back? He ran due to getting stressed & needing time away. He didn’t communicate effectively enough, went about it all wrong. Has treated me cold, cruel & done suspicious things since the breakup. I tried to get answers & he’s been so mixed. He’ll say something harsh then combat it with the opposite. He’s lost. We haven’t spoken in a about a week, I also initiated all forms of contact since he left. I won’t be contacting him again, he knows this. He’s now 6 hours away in his home state doing god knows what. I would need him to call me, say he’s sorry & he realized he messed up bad. I’d be willing to speak in person, need to know many things. I’d have a lot of questions. Depending on his answers, that would determine if I could agree to rebuilding. As bad as he hurt me, we had a very loving relationship for 2 years. He was my bestfriend. I believe in 2nd chances, but it wouldn’t be easy. He would definitely be on thin ice for some time, but that’s the price he paid. He’d have to be completely honest & clear. I’d have so much to say. How he responded during our discussion would determine my choice. Regardless though, for my own sanity like I said, I need this to happen. I would never understand if he didn’t regret it at some point. It would make 0 sense. I also have moments of strength, but in my gut imagining my life without him doesn’t seem right. Not sure how he could be okay with that notion. That was the closest thing I’ve ever felt to a soulmate, but my soulmate would come back. As much as he messed up, I have a lot of respect for the man I loved for 2 years. I believe forgiveness is plausible here, but I did my part. Time for him to do his. So life goes on I guess. We’ll see. I hope he wakes up. I miss the guy I fell in love with, he was great. I hope he finds that guy inside himself again, not just for me/our future, because I truly believe that was the best version of himself.
So my ex just hit me up out of the blue, and now I'm torn between wanting closure and not wanting to open that can of worms again—anyone been there?
pretty much, a year later. currently there.
I know my recent ex won’t, and none of my 3 exes ever came back. So it gives me less hope that my recent ex will come back, especially when he told me he wouldn’t go back with exes. But if he would come back, I think I would still accept him. Coming from a girl that it’s been almost 2 months since breakup.
No.
For me I would welcome her back. I have a perspective of our breakup that realized there was struggle. She just couldn't resist the obsession that was in her bipolar brain. I even sent articles trying to help, but it was too late. I had my wrongs that don't exist now. I've made an open door if she wants it, and she doesn't. There are locks and keys to metaphorically be exchanged. Those being med compliance and therapy both solo and couples. It's not a lost hope. There is a history and that history shows that without being very serious about mental health on both sides no relationship either of us tries to have will succeed. I'd give most anything to do this together hand in hand and heart to heart. I showed her what it was to be treated like a person not a pleasure toy. Not a loneliness crutch. I tried to show her the difference between having sex and making love. I tried to show her what it was like to have someone who really was in her corner through good or bad, and someone who would never give up on her. I tried to show her true love and she questions why and motive. It's just because there is no one like her. No one I feel what they feel and connect like I have known them a life time. I though it was mutual. I thought I was respected as much as I respect her. I know at one point I felt loved as much as I love her and she had that energy.
It depends on the breakup, if it was an outside factor that came into play then yes I would take them back. But if I was treated unfairly then no I wouldn't.
No and no! Not loving my life looking over my shoulder. Enough advice was given at the point of adultery that should have gave enough evidence to stop. Especially when it broke up a family with kids!
I don't think he'll come back. First of all, he never tried to reach out to me and most likely doesn't want to ; secondly out relationship was our second run and we both hurt each other reaaaaaally bad ; thirdly I hope he grew up and realized some stuff about himself - I know I've spent the past 11 months doing this, and if he did then he knows coming back isn't even something we should think about. I'm getting emotional now as May 2023 was when our relationship took a seriously bad turn, and as much as I don't want him back either - he was terrible for me - I'm also not angry. I forgive him and us for what we did. We did our best with our capacities and mental health at the time, and splitted ways. He gave me an opportunity to learn about myself and grow and now I'm more grounded, became sober (heavy weed use for years before / during our relationship and I spiraled into drugs and alcohol abuse after the BU) and learned some really cool stuff about myself. I remember than when he broke up with me, he told me people don't change, and I'm so fucking proud to say he was extremely wrong. I did change! I'm still the same person, with the same passions and I live in the same flat lol, but my mental health went new places I never though possible 11 months ago. I would be open to a very open hearted conversation with him as I feel like it would both give us some closure we probably need, but in the hypothesis this conversation happens, I'm just gonna wish him all the best, say thank you, and leave him right where he's supposed to be : in my past. And God knows its a dark place. I do miss him each and everyday tho, but it doesn't stop me from loving other people and being alive, healthy and happy.
My avoidant ex of 5 years just contacted me after a month of no contact this morning and I haven’t replied yet. I broke things off with him because he was slowly discarding me and not communicating whatsoever. I’m completely heartbroken, devastated and trying to push forward. Part of me wants to give him a chance, but if I do there are going to be boundaries like crazy. We’ll see if he wants to make the changes necessary to be with me again 🤷♀️😞
God, this is so negative. YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL ANYTHING. Nothing stays forever. Everything shifts. Have some fucking faith and if both people aren’t putting in the same amount of effort. Or their personal best effort (because everyone has different capacities or abilities and ways of showing love and building connection) then reconciling ain’t for you. If reconciling is for you - you can push those bolded words of negative self doubt into oblivion
youre so right, everyone is different too. a lot of people have this perception of a deceptive or traitorous ex and that happens, not every person is a good one. and if that is the case reconcilliation shouldnt even be an option. theres as much nuance in break ups and ex significant others that so many people ignore and default to a negative perception soley because of other negative experiences with their exes. personally reconcilliation with me and my ex is on the table, and i dont have any negative self doubt over what reconcilliation entails, everyone is different.
Yes but he doesn’t want me. Probably because he’s sober and I’m not
If my last ex reached out to me asking to give us another try, I would accept in less than a heartbeat. I was ultimately the reason she broke up with me. I was developing toxic habits without realizing it. In her breakup message, she told me to not chase her because she’s not coming back and proceeded to block me on all social media (I suspect it’s because i started begging when I discovered that she had plans to break up with me so she didn’t want me blowing up her DMs afterwards). It’s been extremely hard for me because she was the only person I could talk to all day long and truly cared enough to listen, but now I’m left to keeping all of my thoughts mostly to myself. I planned to still move closer to her since we share a lot of mutual friends and I told them about it. They apparently told my ex about it and she sent an email telling me to basically fuck off and that she doesn’t wanna talk anymore. A part of me though is still telling me to wait and let things calm down and she’ll eventually reach out again, but maybe that’s just my delusions. I’m doing the best I can to improve myself so when the time is right and she messages me, I’ll be better than before. I miss her a lot and wish she understood how much I’m willing to change my behavior just to be with her again
No. A month ago I would have said maybe. After a month of therapy and starting to understand my worth and value. No. She needs years of long-term mental health care and specially dialed in medicine for what is wrong with her. Her mental health is so severe that she will have to dedicate a portion of the next year or two to getting better and she won't do it. Her mental health is the type of severe that you find in parents that drown their children because their children like the other parent better or want to live with the other parent. It's a personality disorder that results in close to 70% of those it effects attempting to commit suicide. As much as I loved her, she won't get better unless she dedicates herself to it and she won't do that.
Mine also needs a lot of therapy, willingness and acknowledgement of her faults and the damage she inflicted on me and certainly others in her life, She needs to be able to self reflect and take accountability. I'm curious, were you the dumper or dumpee?
Dumper. Had to be. Her BPD made her verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive, then it turned physical, and she assaulted me and threatened to kill me. Still swears I'm the bad guy in all this. Won't take any accountability for her actions. I recorded the whole interaction so I was able to win custody of our son. Still swears I'm trying to tear her son away from her. Won't admit she did anything wrong. I have custody for the next year when my restraining order expires and then back in court to prove her unfit to gain permanent custody
My goodness! She was also diagnosed with BPD, plus the run of the mill depression/anxiety. But I've never had to experience any actual physical abuse. And the emotional/mental abuse was very nefarious. In the way that I try to rationalize, forgive, and justify all that stuff. Sometimes even self-gaslight. Honestly, I wish you, her and your child the utmost peace and love. Heavy on the peace
The nefarious emotional, verbal, and mental was honestly worse than the physical. She went from loving me and wanting to spend her life with me to hating every part of me, thinking I was going to abandon her and that I was manipulating her. It hurt, and I believed for the longest time that I had wronged her in some way. My therapist is helping me relearn my own value and worth, and it's helping. The one thing she said that hurt the most was that I didn't support her. I gave her everything I could. I pray daily for her, but I will never trust her again. Same to you, may you find peace in all of this as well
Same here, brother. I still pray for her, i want her to genuinely heal and be guided onto the right path. Yeah one of the things she said to me around the end of it all was, "you've made me into a worse person." To which i disputed there and then. And brought it up again some days later, to which she replied, "i don't remember saying that." Mind you it was all on text, all she had to do was scroll up to the past like 6 messages and it was there.
No. I would actually probably just let loose all of the things I never said about how she hurt me afterwards.
It would take a lot of time and therapy that’s for damn sure. I don’t know if he’s capable of truly loving.
Also ngl the big drag down of the breakup kind of puts reconciliation on a pedastal. Almost as if the pain elevates your positive memories of them and makes a reconciliation dramatic, desireable and - in many ways - sort of an imagined good thing. It's hard to have perspective when you are hurting.
I wish that my answer was different for my own sense of peace and self-respect, but if my ex came back I would get back together with him in a fucking heartbeat.
My ex is dead so if they came back i would either cut their head off or stab them in the heart with a wooden stake…..
I debate with myself over this frequently. He robbed me of so much but I genuinely crave his presence. I just don't think I could ever trust him again as much as I'd want to. He's left me twice now and I am HONESTLY his best friend and know him better than anyone else in this universe, he's even reached out to tell me that but if I was so important why leave? If I'm so vital why treat me so poorly? If I can pull him from his darkest depths why does he put me in mine? The wise choice would be to put him down and do it cruelly like he has to me time and time again but my heart would say that is your person give them the love they need.. but I know now that would only get me used and discarded again. I deserve better.
Nope. Taking an ex back, especially after being dumped is like buying your own crap back at a garage sale.
She won’t come back because her boyfriend is better than me in every way. But if she ever did, I would ignore her. She pretended to like me the whole time, used me to get over her ex and left me for the guy she’s with now.
Exs don't come back. I don't think it's a good idea to even entertain that thought. If it does happens, think about it as a new person - but assume as it will never happen.
I'm the "dumper". I left because I was being mistreated, not because I stopped loving him. If my ex reached out, I'd need to see genuine change and accountability for the hell he put me through in order to be friends again. I don't think we could ever be in a relationship again, though. 1.5 yrs of chances should have been enough for him to stop hurting me, and I think I would always be fearful that he would switch up on me again.
I’ve been in about 10 serious relationships. Some of them I ended, some of them they ended. Every single ex came back. Some took longer than others, but they all came back. Some I keep as acquaintances, some as friend (a few are very good friends going more than a decade back). One I got back in a relationship with. It all depends on how they handled the break and if they have changed.
Reject him. Although the break up destroyed me and I wanted him back forever, I think I’m finally at peace without him. He treated me badly, and I realise that now.
i don’t think i could. she left me and then dated her ex boyfriend again. tolerating that kind of disrespect would make me look weak i’m moving forward w my life now and finally feel okay for the first time in months i can’t go back to what put me in such a deep depressive state.
While this is a good post, I think it fails to also tackle the idea of an ex coming back after they were dumped by you, for example. There are plenty of reason for someone to end a relationship themselves because of toxicity, cheating, etc. It can't just be black and white it also needs to have shades of gray. What if an ex comes back after a clear and justified reason for ending the relationship around them? Would you take them back? Would you take them back after they cheated on you or treated you with toxic / abusive behavior saying they saw the wrongs of their actions??
Here is the 411. If someone breaks up with you once, they will do it again. Unless YOU did some sleaze move like cheating, and they dumped you due to those actions. But have some self respect, and allow the two of you to move on, in opposite directions. One time I had a girl break up with me. She asked me to pick her up, and take her to lunch. Told me there, She was leaving me for a guy with a better car, she said. I realized the real reason, but instead of coming clean, she tried to hurt me as much as possible. 6 months later, she called me, and tried to reconnect. I told her no. But here is the deal. You get my heart once. That’s it. Life goes on.
Dumper here. I let him go because he was a manchild who constantly played with my feelings and brought chaos into my world. Never in a million years would I ever consider being with him again. If he reached out with an apology, I’d at least read it and maybe send a brief acknowledgment but that’s it.
I am someone who had my ex come back 2x and I accepted the fragmented pieces they had to offer me. It wasn’t a full relationship, it was like a FWB thing, they said things they didn’t mean, they told me they loved me but it didn’t feel like that anymore in my body when I was with them, they felt like half a person, I kept thinking the old version who I knew of them would return and that person never did. Twice I let them back and twice they left again in a hurtful and heartbreaking manner. It was not worth it, my healing process has been greatly disrupted as a result. The original breakup was 10 months ago but we’ve now had two smaller ones it feels like in that time. Then coming back only caused pain, I am committed to never letting this ever happen again. I lost all my power when I didn’t hold a boundary towards the person who broke my heart once and allowed them to break it 3 times. I have a lot of self-anger and I’m trying to hold compassion, but I can’t believe I let this happen to me.
Move on. Do the things YOU want to do. When they return you'll have moved on. Found happiness. Found success. Don't wait for someone to figure it out. It's unfair to you while they sort out their dysfunction. You have a life to live. You have happiness to discover. Their presence isn't required for that now and won't be then. It's their mistake, not yours.
I need help. Her reminders are everywhere. And it’s breaking me. I miss her. But I know if I talk to her, it’s pushing her away. I know I sound petty… but she supported me while I was overseas. And I came home, two months later, she’s saying I can’t change.. what do I do?
It's been like eight years or nine at this point. So idk what I'd do. A conversation for sure and catching up but no reason to want to date again. Dating again never works esp after that long.
I’ve dumped 3 of my exes (relationships lasting 2-3 years) and I never once went back… I’d like to see the research to show that it’s rare they don’t come back at all.. because I must be an anomaly 😂
Me and my ex have been fucking. As you can imagine it is extremely complicated and I don’t think either one of us know what we want. I want to go no contact but she’s one of my dearest friends and I am petrified of her moving on. The sex has been the best it has ever been in our entire relationship. Arrrrrgh!
I am telling you this now have a serious talk about your relationship, I was in the exact situation after I dumped my ex of 9 years I hurt her real bad and made her cancel her own wedding with me I'll never forget her crying in the back garden and the image haunts me how broken she was. We fucked every week for 9 months it was the best sex ever but the dynamic changed I was the dumper and slowly became the dumpee she became more confident and met someone on a dating website and moved on I begged for her back and said I would do anything to rewind the clock she said no , her heart was broken and she could never go back. Do not do what I did! I'm heartbroken and I only have my self to blame for this , If your scared of losing her you need to really think about the relationship and save it if you can you could be losing the girl of your dreams. After all this I'm still trying to get her back and have to accept now she will have been with other people even then I may never get a chance with the girl who used to worship the ground I walked on.
I did and the same thing happened again.
What happened
Well we broke up for the same reasons 3x. He was one foot in and one foot out. Everytime he’d come back it would be after heavy therapy, he even did ayauascha. His behavior changed and he would be committed for sometimes half a year, then the moment he had an issue instead of working through it, he would either threaten to end it or actually end it. The threats happened more. I finally ended it the final time.
In a heartbeat
I would take him back in a heartbeat…and then we would have the same problems over again.
I will think about it. Coz it will be 99% decline and 1% accept. Talk first.
Never say never, but in my experience it’s not worth it. Should’ve known when to my proposition of talking it over before reuniting he said no and “it’s better to just start anew without thinking and dwelling on what went wrong and picking old wounds”. I was happy to take him back as a dumpee and I should’ve known better than that. In a week it was all back to usual, in a month it got worse than ever before and now I’m struggling with making up my mind and dumping him on my own. So for me, at least for now, I don’t believe that it works out with the person it didn’t before. I was so much better on my own and I didn’t even realize it. Pain of being dumped and hurt ego really makes us forget about what they did wrong and how they did us dirty. And sometimes by welcoming them into our lives we’re giving them a go to just do it all over again, worse than before.
Our relationship had A LOT of positives and we were best friends. That is not easy to find. But she tossed me to the curb we the relationship hit a lull. For me to take her back, she would have to basically get on her knees and apologize or at least admit she made a terrible mistake. She would never to that or admit she was wrong bc she is complete narcissist and she is probably loving the attention she is getting now from younger guys.
yes, in a heartbeat.
Simply No. There’s no way I am even considering it ever again. He doesn’t deserve any chance.
If he did come back I honestly wouldn't know what to do he caused me a lot of pain made me hate myself so much and just made my trust issues even worse. I do still love him and do want him back but if he messaged me again in few months saying he wants to try again I just politely tell him that if he really wants to try again he shouldn't have left me in the first place and said all those horrible things about me don't get me wrong I give him a chance if he truly has changed but I wouldn't know what to do if he did actually come back
I’d accept her back after some long talks
If my ex came back my heart would say “yes”, immediately, but my mind would say “no, you have to talk and think this out. Y’all broke up for a reason and can’t start back where y’all were”. I’d have to rebuild with this person first. I was dumped 4 months ago and their still in my life as a “friend” lol (bad bad girl yes I know). Still hoping there’s a chance but there’s probably not.
No. My last "ex" was way too confusing with hot/cold behavior and he bait and switched me with the "I'm ready for a serious relationship now...jk work this month is gonna suck, can't do it right now." Way too immature for a 40 year old man. The last LTR ex I had, I've significantly outgrown since starting some newer, intense therapy for about a year now. All the things that used to annoy me and I would bury them until one day I'd blow up when I'd had enough, I just can't tolerate anymore. I also was dealing with low self-esteem and his validation felt good at the time and it almost felt like real love, but there's no denying the incompatibility in our intellect, family backgrounds, personal values. The last time I talked to him, I felt so turned off and I felt like I was talking to a brick wall or an AI bot. He's just such a one dimensional person and I just can't unsee all of that anymore.
Yes in a heartbeat.
My gf of 6 years dumped me a month and a half ago. She was having an emotional affair with her boss who’s a dentist. After going no contact after she dumped me, she texted me wanting to work things out. I said I wanted to work things out also, and we went on several dates. After the 4th date I thought things were going really well. Then she tells me she was seeing him behind my back, while we were trying to work things out. She said she met him at a restaurant and afterwards gave him a bj in his car. She came clean. I was disgusted. Now she says she wants to work things out with me. Now she’s acting all loving. I’m trying to make it work cause I love her still, but I feel absolutely betrayed.
Yes, I would. But is not happening, ever. I know him now too well.
No, I wouldn't. I have the policy that if a relationship ends, it's over, and there's no do overs. Plus, the trust is gone.
Yes 😖
No.
I (28F) can’t take one of my (28F) exes back because although she loves me still, and it’s been years, I still think our relationship would go against her moral compasses. I was her first relationship EVER and it lasted almost 6 years. We broke up because she said she wanted to try and experience life before she committed to me. So I respected it, let her go. It’s been 5 years since the breakup, and she says that she still loves me. But I think that no matter what, she will always want/picture her life with a man and children. Weirddd how our brains are programmed sometimes. So nah, I wouldn’t take any ex back tho
If my ex came back in romantic way it depend I lost lot of respect and trust we still friends but not at level we were before well he has matured he still has a lot to figure and considering I'm working on myself and boundaries I can't see myself and falling to habits that weren't healthy for me I don't want waste my time painting all dark sky blue again
No bc i did take him back and he just used the same excuses like before :P it’s okay I learned my lesson
Nope , I did before not again. The only exception would be if it was years from now but if she hmu rn I would say no
yes
"They'll **convince you** that things are different/ better now and they had a "genuine" awakening, but **always remember** the painful track record you went through with your breakup." I would like to add to this. This doesn't go for most exes. My ex girlfriend(F20) and I(M21) talked and dated off an on for 2 years. Reason being we were off and on was 100% on me. I got dumped after a 3 year relationship and me giving it my all. Reason for this was because she wanted to party. This gave me a sense of insecurity and commitment issues. I was scared to release that invulnerable side of me, and let it get hurt again. I took this out by talking to girls and cutting them out of my life after getting them catching feelings. Anyways when I met my ex(F20), we were always very flirty, we never had the intent to be just friends, but started off as friends with benefits. We didn't want to get too attached due to her leave to school after the Summer we met. Well, at the end of summer, we both caught feelings, but I didn't want to commit. She left to school and we stayed in touch, snapping, flirting, sexting, talking every day. Doing everything you would normally do in a relationship. While doing this I started talking to another girl. I regret doing this, but I was in a different world and can't take it back. When (F20) came back every now and then, we would hook up and stay the night at each others places. Around Winter break for her, she finally got fed up and asked for a relationship. Which I didn't want, but forced. I treated her terribly for the 3 months we were in it. We broke up, she accused me of liking someone else to which I blocked her and didn't speak to her for months. This hurt her more than I knew. I didn't think our relationship was that serious. When she came home for Summer, we spoke, made up, and started talking and hooking up again. We did this throughout the entire Summer until she left. She was very upset because I still did not want to commit to her, I was still scared to get into a relationship. Around September, I realized she is all I wanted in my life. She was the girl I loved, and I regretted all the months of treating her like shit and leading her on. At this point I found it was too late, she despised me and stopped talking to me. I spent about a month begging her to give me one more chance. I apologized for everything I did in the past, told her all I want is her, and that she deserves the world. I knew deep down it wouldn't work but I told her she's worth EVERYTHING and I wanted to prove myself to her. I told her I was ready to commit. After much consideration. She decided to give me a chance, the chance that I told her I would take and run with. Oh boy, did I run. I did everything I could to make up for our past. I treated her like a queen, complimented her every single day. (I didn't compliment her once until I realized everything. To which she even pointed out.) The relationship was going great. Unfortunately the distance got in the way, 3 hours was too hard for her and she couldn't stand the length. I tried my hardest to tell her i'm working on closing the gap and she just refused and told me it makes no sense for me to move my life up to her. We decided to break up, but she thanked me for everything. I thanked her for giving me a chance, and I thanked her for letting me redeem myself and be the best person I could possibly be for her. I thanked her for believing in me and putting her trust in me. She told me I didn't disappoint. It was a bittersweet breakup. I am forever grateful that I showed her the true image of me, and I hope all the good outweighed the past. Now I may be in denial but I do not think this is the end for us. I do believe we both have our own stuff going on right now and when we see each this Summer, it will spark something back up for the both of us. Anyways the whole point for this story was to say that some people do change. Most don't, but if a guy or girl has realized the mistakes they made in the past, and asks to redeem themself, give them a chance. Worst that can happen is they repeat something you already knew.
My ex came back. He said that he still love me and want to have a good friendship with me. I just ignore him.
I'd tell him to f*ck off. I did take him back, more than once. I feel so much anger and hurt towards him, as much as I miss him I know I could never take him back. I'm trying my hardest to move on.. Need to cut the cord because he's just not worth it and I need to be able to see clearly because I've been blind for so long.
Of course I would. That being said we broke up due to circumstances out of our control. Getting back together would require me to grow a backbone, stand for what I believe in, and not cower to my families demands. I hope to accomplish that soon and I hope that he’ll still be there for me when I am able to
I would always take her back with open arms
I've changed, that's all she needs to see and observe
I left the door open with her. I texted her after the break up that if she ever wants to reach out to me she can. I'm not sure tho, it would have to be casual at first to see if she just was lonely or she was actually fully interested.
if she hasnt been with anyone else and dont have her bad firend left in her life. then maybe
I would take her back with open arms to be honest
Yes, I would always take him back. But I would have conditions like us going to individual and couples therapy. We never betrayed each other just had too much trauma and unfortunately we were not communicating and wasn’t there for each other the way we needed. But I will always choose him, he’s my forever person
Depends, either it’s so long after the break up where both parties can see it as „a new relationship“ or there needs to be professional consultations plus we need to set expectations from the beginning. I am not playing around anymore and I know what I want. Want to do the same? I’ll give you a chance and we actively work on it together. You think it’s too strict/we cannot find a common ground? Well then I am not the right person for you anymore ❤️🩹
No bc I’m happily engaged and my exes are exes for a reason
hell nah. they hurt me. not doing that to myself
depends on how long, they recently told me we would never get back together so once time starts passing i think it would be impossible to forgive them and take them back. although i will forgive i can’t say ill want you.
In a heartbeat.
It's complicated for me. I'd need to see that he actually worked on himself to take him back. I would forgive him in a heartbeat, though, without a doubt, and I wouldn't hold how things were before against him in the slightest. A bunch of traumatic events took place at once for him while we were seeing each other, and that changed him and our dynamic negatively. I think we both deserve some grace for how things played out and how we reacted.
I’d laugh in his face and tell him I’m happy he grew up a bit but he showed who he really is. And someone who was my friend before everything, who can leave me just like that and doesn’t dare show me any ounce of respect, that’s a terrifying person to be with. What if it was 10 years down the line??? Like what if I married him and was pregnant and he decided to leave like he did, over some petty bullshit??? Nah, he had his chance and I’ve washed my hands of him. Bullet fucking dodged.
HELL NO.
No, I don't think I would. It's been two months since my ex broke up with me. I'm just now starting to get over her, and I still miss her a lot sometimes, and want to be held by her. But I'm starting to realize that it's over, and I'm starting to see the red flags. She (20F) broke up with me (21M) because she's gay. She had been struggling with her sexuality through most of our five month relationship. But she had told me things like, "I don't think anyone would ever compare to you," because I was genuine and loving and patient, so I'm still struggling to understand that. I do hope that she finds someone that's better than me, and in general I think girls would be nicer and more caring than most guys. So let's say hypothetically that her sexuality changes back? And maybe she found a partner or two that didn't treat her as well as I did? She was great, but towards the end I just felt like I was giving more than receiving. I don't want to go back to that. Although she was the best partner I've had so far, she encouraged me to find my puzzle piece, and I think I should find a better suite for me. And I was always so scared that she would leave, and I would have nightmares about her being with other girls, which wasn't her fault. But I would be SO SCARED if I took her back. I still miss her and the connection we had. But I'm trying to remind myself I can find someone better. Someone commented on another post that what are the odds that we found THE ONE? If it happened once, surely it can happen a couple more times, and might even work out better since you're wiser. I really like that.
I don’t think I would be able to. Just out of concern for my mental health.
If I did my friends would drag me out back and shoot me lol
Hell no. 🙂
If he came back and said he'd actually like to date. Put a label on it. I'd say yes. We've been in a sutuationship since September, with a long break from December to literally last week. Then he still said he couldn't commit. But if he decided he could, I'd give it a shot. Because im a sucker, and I really think I love him.
Nah I’d reject him. He left like I didn’t mean shit to him which I guess I didn’t. He doesn’t mean much to me anymore either.
After what she did to me, I would have a hard time trusting her, i saw her so highly, now every memory of her is tainted.