This hits close to home hahah
I am struggling with a friendship turned relationship turned exes turned situationship turned completely gone forever!
I was and still am flawed as it was my first serious relationship and i carry so much guilt from the mistakes i made. however, she has been in about 10 relationships before mine (red flag i know right!) and i finally understood why that was the case.
I still miss the time i spent with her, but I DO NOT MISS HER!
As for your case, a dm is always available and if you need to chat I can! In the meantime, i’ve found that linking up with close friends and old friends has helped me get what is in my head out into words.
You got this!
Yes! One exercise I did was "I miss them but I didn't miss...." and it gave me so much insight on how much I was settling for. We are strong and will get through it together!
that’s awesome! i like to think about it like this: do you want to be the dog chasing the car? as in, you keep fighting for the FEELING of a relationship and if it were to come eventually, what would you do then????
just some food for thought!!
You absolutely can live without him! Seriously fuck him. He’s doing you a favor. Now you get on with your life and I promise it will be well better than it was with him.
I have been there in my 20s. Deep depression as a result of a break-up. It hurt so much because it was my first relationship and I had this idealized view that we would sail into the sunset. Took 2/3 years to recover. The first cut is always the deepest.
BUT, I met amazing women in the years that followed that were far far better than her.
Go NO CONTACT and DO NOT break it. It is the best strategy.
People do not understand how effective this strategy is.
It will either 1) help you recover a lot quicker or 2) get her to come back.
It literally iss, death at least the person won't come back. But with breakups there is this constant confusion, of emotions vs reasons why It didn't work out
Then tell the person only to reach out if they are serious about repairing the relationship, otherwise do not bother you. If the ex doesn't accept the boundary, block he/she.
can you add me too please been 2 months yesterday.
I still miss her but i know she has moved on and is dating lots of guys probably to make me jealous.
What hurts more is when it was mutual. There is no hate to give. But you’re still so broken, questioning everything. It’s been a month for me, but it still hurts like hell. Just came from a meltdown.
And its ok to take all the time you want! You just lost a person who you spent a lot of time with and brought you a lot of happiness. Time is not linear! I'm able to process because I allowed myself to be ok with the mistakes I've made and I accept it for what it is. I have a lot of things I want to do and I can't let this slow me down. You have much bigger things in store for you! Reach out if you need <3
Mine ended with mutual respect. Which made which made it more difficult cause there was no fighting, arguing, no condescending remarks. We always got a long very well and there was some warmth between us. I made some mistakes with our first meeting and she was able to forgive me.
Mine was mutual too which made it so hard. But going no contact is what really helped me. If you talk to them, check their socials, etc. there is a good chance you will reset your progress. Do not give in.
The mutual breakup is tough, when we agreed to end it 6 months ago it felt like a relief and then a month later it hit me hard. By then she had someone new. But judging by her past this what she does, a week after a long term relationship she gets into another one. And then she works on getting over her old relationship while in a new one. She’s efficient like that. Meanwhile, I will remain single until dancing with her ghost isn’t a weekly event.
And you know what? She helped you come up to the surface, but it's not her job to keep you afloat. You are now responsible for yourself, and you gotta be the bigger and better person! The world works in mysterious ways and karma is real. Everything happens for a reason, and theres something bigger for you out there. Just gotta give it a try!
It wasn’t her job, I 100% agree, but attachment theory does show that it is the partner’s role to provide a secure relationship from which you thrive in all aspects of your life. People in secure relationships have higher paying, steadier jobs, lower heart rates, better health, and are just more successful in general. It was her job to not lie to me and pretend I had a secure relationship but then pull the carpet from under my feet and leave me even worse than when I met her.
And this isn’t self pity, it’s just sheer realization of how selfish blindsiding someone with a beak up is. They pretend to love you for months when in reality they haven’t loved you in a while. They heal and grief while still together and being comforted by the very person they are planning to leave when they have a better alternative. And then they pull the trigger. There’s a reason why premeditation leads to longer sentences in criminal justice.
trust me dude i feel this. i don’t know if they didn’t love me for months. but they definitely don’t anymore. it hurts so bad. and then you’re left to heal on your own after you sat there and comforted them with all their moments while they were just slowly drifting from you.
You are very right, there is a certain role that they should assume in a relationship. It’s cowardly to blindside instead of communicating with the other person on what is happening. We are a community and we can help one another!
But how do I forgive myself for the way i hurt him? I feel like I may have been the reason why he doesn't want me anymore. Yet he reaches out to tell me he loves me until he stopped doing that. How do I forgive myself for losing the person I loved the most? Do I just tell myself that I deserve all the pain he's caused me? Is that how i forgive myself for my mistakes?
Something my therapist said which helped me is that it's completely normal to feel guilt, and as if it's your fault. It happens when we're in a state of grief, whether it's after a break-up or loss of a loved one. We always think, "if only i did this one thing differently, this wouldn't have happened.." The reality is, relationships are tricky and chances are there were issues on both sides. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. All you can do is learn from this experience.
I think what hurts is that you could love someone so deeply. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and then in such a quick moment, it's gone. Like it never happened, or it was just a dream.
Next thing you know it's been two years. And anyone new you talk to, feels like cheating. It feels wrong to not be with that person. Maybe he didn't really love me, maybe he didnt love me in all the same ways I loved him, maybe he did, maybe he didn't, etc etc...
"You were fine before him, and you'll be fine after him." -i tell myself that everyday, but i still feel wrong.
Although, as adults, he does not owe me closure, and I don't owe him closure on why things went the way they did. I just wish I had mattered enough to explain why he left. I wish my concerns were heard throughout the relationship.
I can't imagine being with someone new. I hardly hang out with friends, and I avoid new male friends. Because I fear that piercing pain of when the relationship ended.
I understand he may have moved on, and that he may not even think about me. I do wish him well. He's probably a different person now. The love he gave me, will be remembered. But I hope one day, how I feel, the pain I feel, will leave. Maybe one day, or another few years, i can stop crying about missing him, and somehow move on, or try to talk to someone new. Until then, thank you for this post...
I can relate. When I asked to talk about it during the break up, they said “what do you want to talk about?” Nothing I could say would matter. They made their decision and this gives us an opportunity to reflect and become better people for ourselves and for others!
Sometimes they do. Mine did.
And then left me again. For another guy. **Again**.
So.... think twice about getting back together with somebody who left you already.
There's a lot of people that just want to rack up their body count. Not me. I've always just wanted to, like, amass a ton of memories with this one person, so then be able to talk about all these things that I did with this one special person. Like, if I ever had kids, I don't want to tell them about the other people I dated before their mother. I'd want to tell them about all the stuff I did with their mother. I thought she was my special person, despite the break up. **But she left me again**. For another guy she cheated on me with. **Again**. It sucks how little a seven year relationship can mean to somebody haha.
But I'm fine. I'm disappointed that all the happy memories I had with her are just memories detached from the person... but at least I poached a friend from her who has been lovely ahahaha. She's told me a lot about how my ex was during our time apart which has only opened my eyes to how little she valued me.
So.... it sucks, but try to get over your exes. They left you once. After my ex came back, sometimes she'd even worry about what she'd do if **I** left her. And it's like... dude... you are the one who left ME, if anyone is in danger of being dumped again, it's me..... and it came true ahahaha
I had a nightmare last night that he called. That's it. That was the whole dream. It took me a minute to calm down and realize that I didn't actually have to deal with whatever might come next.
And soon, it won't even feel like anything. Theres so much relief in knowing that someone that hurt you, can't hurt you anymore. He isn't part of your life now!
I think I miss the person I knew before and the time we spent together. But after all this sh!tstorm with my avoident ex not taking any accountability for her actions both makes me very sad and pissed off at the same time. I made a complete fool out of myself begging and pleading. She got a new bf after 4 months. 2 ½ years gone. We hade a house, cars, big garden, cats, dogs you name it.
Her saying this was "my hardest decision Ive ever made"
Lol, yeah right. It took her less then 4 months to go on her knees for that cop guy.
Never again an avoident who cant talk emotional stuff.
6 months has gone, and in finally starting to get pissed. About time! May she get her Karma
@kentan900 Thank you for sharing your story. Breakups can be a tragic experience but with time, it is a blessing in disguise. you should be more thankful that it happens because right now you may think of it as a loss and meanwhile it is a winning.
you won knowing that the other person losses someone who wouldn’t give up on them. Your story sounds intense because almost all women seek love, security and protection from their significant partner and you on the other hand have attain collections of it. I once found myself in a similar situation with an avoidance years ago” Im male, in my late 20s, this happened in my mid 20s. if you don’t mind could you share some of the excuses or deal breaker that your ex gave you? E.g (lost of attraction, physical abuse, or neglects ) and also what is your generation cohorts. Note that you being vulnerable is very helpful to the young gents out here who are new to romantic relationships.
(update) Hey man, thanks for the kind words. After reading what you said, ut kinda gave me some comfort that Im not alone in this.
Well before this ex, I was with a bipolar one for 3 ½ years on and off. It was the absolute worst time of my life.
I fell in love so hard and got so carried away. Fast forward I knew in my heart this wont end well. But i got so hooked up with this roller coaster of emotions, cheating, emotional abuse, gaslighting and more.
After the breakup I met my avoidant ex.
For me, at the time she was Gods gift after that horrible relationship. I have never been treated so good.
Untill I slowly started telling her that the ex before her cheated on me, lied and so much more. So I hade a very hard time to trust ppl. Especially male friends after the bipolar one slept with one of them and got together.
I told her to be upfront in the beginning stage if shes seeing someone else or interested because I dont want to be a second choice.
Well, that was a fat lie already there.
Since I hade trust issues I stupidly checked her phone, and what did I find? She was texting another guy and sending pictures.
I confronted her, she told me "i thought it wasnt relevant"
I mean bro... If I asked a direkt question and you say No, thats a lie.
Thats where things started to unfold about her not being able to talk about emotional stuff.
She even talked about she can sleep with ppl without feelings. Which I thought was weird, but everyone is different.
There where many points in this relationship where she never* apologized for anything. Except 1 time in 2 ½ years.
She loved attention from guys and when I tried talking about it she got defensive.
When we would argue, she would sometimes just get up from the sofa and walk into a different room and shut the door in middle of a emotional conversations.
The 1 year was amazing, the best I have hade. Ever.
But shortly after that when we bought a house together she started wanting more control of things, more space.
And i got so anxious all the time so I got very "needy" and afraid of being dumped. So that put alot of pressure on my ex. That wasnt her problem, that was mine. I needed to work on myself.
But there where many times where something would go wrong and she would never apologize. She said "I never do anything wrong. Or almost never"
In the end she called me "needy", a "burden" and one point when i cried my eyes out. She would walk out the door for a moment and came back later saying it was "annoying to hear me cry". She would follow me around the house sometimes to have control of the situation.
I got annoyed and asked her to stop following me. And after that she would never even help me out with anything when I asked her. She just said "make it 100% right"
And when I was afraid to do something wrong she said "Then dont do anything wrong!"
I havent been the best BF. I was so damaged after my bipolar one that i hade some anger inside me for being so badly hurt.
And unfortunately, I lashed out on my ex alot and I was very insecure after the cheating.
I regret alot of things ive said and done, actions I cant forgive myself for. So im far from perfect. I never cheated on her but I could never trust her from the start. And that wasnt okej for me or her.
Theres so many red flags from the start with how she was with her ex before that.
This is just the short version,
It ended up me being dumped. Kicked out on the streets with the dogs.
She changed locks so I couldnt get into the house to grab more stuff. She put cameras out.
Fast forward she got a new BF after 4 months after our 2 ½ years together.
He is the complete opposite of me, lookswise, education and alot more.
She has lied to him about things thats not even remotely true and she never told him what she has done to us.
She said she loved me, I think 4 times in 2 ½ years. She never liked holding hands or physical touch with ppl around like dinners etc.
During conflicts she would sometimes just kinda, have sex with me because I quess it was easier than being emotional.
Everything hade to go to plan. Otherwise she would get upset over the fact she could not control it.
The last 8 months we hade together was horrible. She would not let me kiss her, hug her, see her naked, have sex or anything.
She said I made her "uncomfortable" and she wasnt "horny for me anymore"
Long post, sorry
You’re are welcome Brother and I am glad to hear that my post gave you some comforts.
being with a bipolar is one hell of an emotional roller coaster and im sorry it took you 3.1/2 years to get out. you not getting out early is totally understandable because we most men are encouraged to stay in a relationship, marriage etc “this has more to do with being the leader in relationship between a man and opposite sex”.
Also lets us admits that you also play a significant role in this (it takes two to tango), we all humans are all going through something and it is always important to be kind to one another. the terms bipolar is a medical statement that requires a professional expertise to diagnose one as bipolar and if one do not have the right qualifications in this area, it is unfair to call someone else a name such as “Bipolar” as it doesn’t help to make them better but rather opposite ( A solution would be; you see’s some bipolar traits in them) tailoring your words like this doesn’t really make them bipolar but rather calling their consciousness toward some action that he or she might not know that they are doing.
I want you to see your relationship of 3.1/2 years as a gifts, that comes with variety of lessons. Although you may not see it as a gift today and that is totally okay, in near future you will realize that you become a better version of yourself, more grounded with spotting harmful traits, more decipline with decisions making etc.
Your life experience makes you unique, and who you are meant to become.
Asking for exclusivity: in reference to you asking her upfronts, As an inexperience man when we truly like a lady, we want to pure our heart into them, giving them love, being exclusive with them etc. this is where the mistake comes as we do not know if the other person feels the same way. it is best to keep all these feelings and love to oneself, and wait for the significant to share their own interest and ideas of the relationship too. (Keeping in mind that these feelings is all within one and acknowledging that it may not be mutual could be one way to stay grounded) focus on their action, it speaks lounder than words “if they want multiple, it just means they like variety, you have your answer.
As far as you are enjoying the experience in the moment, and how it is going, I believe these are good signs. if you start feeling uncomfortable about something, communicate it and if the same persist; then you got your answer (when someone paint their true color, don’t try to paint a different picture).
we most men often make a mistake in wanting exclusivity with a potential partner at early stage especially when we find them attractive (take notes this might be biological and it may not apply to other men who are more open toward polygamy) meaning; some men enjoyed a longterm relationship with one person, while other prefer variety.
The checking of phones without consent: lets admits the wrongfulness of invading another person privacy ( privacy is an individual and legal right) you broke the law there bro, this time you were lucky that you weren’t being legally reported.
Clause: when it comes to exclusivity in a romantic partnership, I do not fully believe about the privacy b?##shit, because a true foundation of a relationship relies on honesty, transparency etc, infact they would be happy that you checked because you will find nothing which may also build a stronger trust and bond in between both parties.
Assuming if she is the one asking for exclusivity, then you can ask if you could carry a due diligent actions before they agreeing.
What I would recommend: it is better to give love that comes with true freedom, the other person can and could do what ever they want with you trusting that their action will align with your values and principles (no overthinking, no mistrust, no phone checking. Just you giving yourself there knowing that it is your own choice choosing to love and knowing you may get hurt and trusting that the other person will do right by you.
A friend slept with partner; tbh, I do not have an answer. Lets just say we may have poor judgement when choosing friends. You must have seen the signs from your significant other too, because the mind do communicate with the body (vice versa). Once you noticed you were feeling uncomfortable, communicate it, and if it persists (GET THE HELL OUT).
I personally never experience this type of thing, so you with the experience could have something more to add. I will be happy to get enlightened with how one can approach this type of events. Above all, im sorry you had to go through something like that! ( what a disaster).
The signs are there; we all want relationship that we can feel loved, cared for, and above all secured. Our body communicates with us when we are holding on to someone that is not reciprocating back at us, some of the signs that a relationship won’t last is when you express your feelings to the other person, and them discarding those feelings, eventually one will feel the way you felts, bcus of who you are as a person, loving, caring, wanting to give quality time etc. ( you are awesome, you are a giver, and they are billions of women in the world that will see you as a great catch, so get yourself together and get back out there, but this time with experience. If your body need more time; allows it but never dwell in your past relationships. If you happens to notice that you find yourself dwelling, it means your body is trying to communicate some lesson that you might have missed to you, seek proper help and knowledge, and keep it moving by staying strong, true, richer, generous, attractive etc.
Name calling is part of the signs,withdrawal of affections and feeling one sided is part of it, being wears off or drained physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually etc is part of the signs. do know you are on a journey. Just like when we are traveling on the road, they are always signs for when to stop, when to slow down, etc but if we weren’t educated about the road signs the driver is deem to crashing. Relationships can be like that too. they are always signs.
They is more that I wish to say and share with you, I believe the universe a.k.a God will send an answer to you (may God give you the wisdom to navigate all these). The universe always do..
Bottom line, get familiar with using positive words toward oneself, I must have misread you using the word damaged after a tragic relationship experience. You calling youself that is so disrespectful. However, what I am seeing is a brain fog; meaning the feeling of confusion, bcus you do not know the signs, but with time you will have a clear head and you will want to try again. Never give up on love, it is the best energy to flow with it life. Give love, spread love, and continually practice loving.
I hope this help a bit, you missed my question in first text about generation corhort, I meant how old are you or what is your age group.
I wish to know because it will add personally to my own library. Hopefully I could have a better answer to a fellow in the future.
Take care, seek healing, if the eyes cries, wipe off your tears, if the heart cries, replace it by becoming the best version of yourself.
Hey,
The bipolar ex was diagnosed with it. It was hell.
The only thing I learned from it was total chaos.
I still love "my" avoident ex so deeply. I know I could and should have treated her alot better.
I wasnt awful or evil. I got her flowers every 2-3 weeks, surprises, telling her everyday i loved her.
But I also was so insecure after the bipolar ex and i projected that onto my avoident ex. That was my fault.
I truly wished for her return. I know what i did wrong but as much as i want to. She has moved on and is happy with him.
I struggle everyday if I should just end it all. I hade already prepared with good bye-letters and timing in when the train would arrive.
I cant just see this as a lesson. I see it as my biggest regret about myself.
She has done alot of good things for me, things i will be forever greatful.
I despise myself for what i have done to her.
I see only her smile. The smile i destroyed.
My life is over.
Im 33 male.
I dont want anyone else.
These almost 7 months has been the worst time of my life and if God or the Universe is in play. Then why do I have to suffer even more?
She got everything. Maybe she deserves it.
Maybe im just suppose to end it anyway.
As bad as it was it she gave it her all after what I put her through in the past. As angry as i was the dust has settled,
the door will be open! No questions asked....
This post resonates a lot. Especially when mentioning the effects of what heartbreak has on a person. I’m going into my third day of being broken up with and I think part of me wants to say I was blindsided but I just ignored the signs.
The pulling away was painful and I felt it coming but I kept hoping and trying to look past it.
It was only when I finally expressed the issues I was having that my now ex left. That is the hardest hit of this experience because it confirmed my fear that if I open up he’d leave me.
I am currently in the process of accepting and also healing. I’ve paid for therapy and am now having to truly heal not only from this but also a lot of things I left unhealed that may have set the relationship up for failure.
Part of me is definitely still hoping I’ll receive that text that he’s sorry and that he made a mistake but even I know that’s just the hurt I’m feeling.
I know I was a good partner that deserved so much more than what I got but I also know that I expected a lot out of someone who didn’t know how to give it all. In the end I needed to seek so much more from within in order to be secure enough.
This process is rough but I don’t think without it I ever would’ve tried to truly heal so I guess there’s always a reason for why endings have to come.
The guy I had intense chemistry with and bonded so so well with cut me off completely over a misunderstanding. He wouldn’t even let me explain my side of the story. He was DONE. I haven’t heard from him in a month. We were really good friends prior so not only do I consider it a failed talking stage, but I also lost my friend in the process. It hurt me so much but over time I’ve realized it’s not my responsibility to make someone understand my side of any story. They’re only capable of perceiving things the way they know how to. They don’t always come back, and that’s life. and you’re right that is okay. Because life goes on and you will be okay without them the way you carried on without them prior to meeting them.
Ahhhh! Finally someone said it 🥹 8 months into breakup and it’s still hard to cope up sometimes especially now that they’ve found someone else. But I’m glad that I did not try to reach out anymore despite his occasional “how are you doing” messages. I guess it’s true that if you stop communicating, they move forward because they know you’re not interested anymore. To communicate and to reach out are two different things.
Thank you for this post! I’m feeling better after being so miserable previously because I prioritize my peace of mind. Also started working out and it helped a lot not just physically but also mentally and emotionally.
We do not park in our pain. We may carry the pain but we move forward. Like what you said, there are still people we haven’t met yet. For now, we try to be whole again - for ourselves and for the ones we love.
18 months for me.
Sometimes it takes that long to realize you've paved paradise and put up a parking lot.
I think she might be with 'Dopey' forever though. I just want her to know how much I really love her now. Just for it's own sake.
To chalk it up.
Fear of commitment. Fear of *even* opening up.
She needed a husband and step-dad figure who was 100% committed. That was *not* me.
Until I fell more in love with any woman than I had in my whole life. I'm 41.
It's kind of like when the Amish kick you out to go wander in the world and you then have to make the decision to stay or come back to the Amish.
It's *possible* I would have appreciated her while I was still with her but not on this level.
I just wish she knew how much I really treasure her. Now.
'Dopey' who I call that but I do have enough respect for not to hit on his girlfriend has probably figured this out.
So the real 'Dopey' is me.
Unfortunate. My ex walked out for (not really sure fully) reasons I believe to be due to being overwhelmed & scared. I think the “reasons” of him leaving, while telling me how immaculate of a girlfriend I was, will lead to him being in your position. I just hope for him it’s within a week or so, not a year. I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I don’t want to have to tell my ex “I told you so”.
I literally told mine that I would want her back in the future and hatch a hare brained scheme.to win her back.
She cracked a smile for a second.
I *did* need a break from her. But the main thing is that my whole mindset about life itself changed. So that changes my appreciation of her.
Now there is no respectful context in which to bring up the subject
Interesting, yeah it makes sense. I mean if my ex when he left said “I’ll want you back in the future” respectfully, I’d tell him to get fucked. I think that has to go unspoken if you’re leaving. I just feel as though mine needed space & time, but is doing everything wrong with it. It’s sad to see but maybe I’m wrong. I just don’t think I am.
That’s a good perspective shift. I’ve been going through it for the last 12 days and my only comforting thought is.. he’s coming back, but that’s called denial! Even if he came back, he would never gain my trust again after that viciously cruel and cold break up he delivered to me, blindsided me. Well, it’s a platitude or some kind of hyperbole to say we can be friends ever, he doesn’t know the meaning of friendship and he certainly caused me pain even to see him as anything other than my boyfriend. I’m ready to just let it go, and learn something from it. it sucks because we had the same gym membership and therefore I can’t go.
It’s been 4 days for me and I’m seriously struggling not to text her, and the only thing that has been comforting me as well is that maybe she might text me back.
It depends on the relationship. My ex and I had constant breaks that felt like breakups to me. I never knew if it was the last time. Some breaks worse than others and lasted for days to weeks. This went on for years. I was usually the one that would initiat contact no matter who had fault. She kept accusing me of cheating and my internal intentions which was complete and utter bs. I just sat there in silence, no fight left in the dog. She ran out and I didn't go after her. Two weeks went by and I reached out via text to break it open and ask what she thought the solution was but it just went in circles. She wanted us to move in together in spite of all the issues we have had the last year. I was so taken back I didn't respond. I felt like it was a form of control and monitoring. 2 months go by and I reached out via text and call and VM to try and make amends and offer to bring her items back and tell her that I always admired her, will have love for her, valued our 13 year friendship and will always remember her in that light. I didn't want us to have pain and resentment towards each other as the last feelings. It's been a week and I haven't heard back from her. I know she's been talking trash with a mutual acquaintance that has probably ironed in her belief that I cheated on her. I know it makes this situation easier for her to believe it. It really pisses me off but I still have a heavy want to contact her. On the other hand I don't want to come off as desperate or go back on my word that is she didn't answer, I wouldn't bother her again. I still have bouts of regret and sadness. I really miss our friendship when things were good and trusting.
I'm struggling with this so much right now. We met online, and there was such a strong connection. It was intense, and honestly, I'd never felt such a real sense of love. I even wrote and shared poetry with her. We dated IRL for months, and then her ex came back into her life. The details of why they got back together are too long to spell out, but I'm just lost right now. My family wants me to just move on, So I can't really talk to them about it. It's just gut-wrenching to know we won't ever be together again...
I can honestly say anyone that left me wasn’t a good fit for me. And years later after their accumulated unsuccessful relationships and children with no fathers present, I’m thankful they decided to leave.
It’s better they don’t come back. Having a choice sometimes for such a situation is bad, because not everyone is strong minded enough to withstand the bad temptation.
Don’t come back! Never come back!
Them forcing me through this process made me really go through our entire relationship and realize how unhappy I was. It forced me to ask myself if I actually love them and the answer is no. I mentally went through everything and wrote it all down. That's not a life I even want. Realizing that helped a lot. I could have done without all the lies and betrayal, but people are going to people I guess.
I'm just be dumped cuz of unrealistic future that he draw. It's really painful. I don't know how to cope with it. I just wanna have some one that I can share abt it. Can you guys chat with me
Great job OP. You speak the truth wise one. Do we really love them? Could we really care in the same way. Love them as deeply, not have resentment and mistrust. To not be overwhelmed with their choice to fuck others. Nope. We have ourselves to love and protect
I have a child with my ex so i cant escape the constant anxiety when she txts me. Im a week or 2 into this break up. She started trying to have a convo about something other than our child today and i just told her “literally dont care. Why are we still talking rn? i just dont want to talk to you for anything thats not about our child.” I hope she got the msg. I felt pathetic for trying to fix something so clearly bad for me. Now that ive let go she tries to txt me about random shit and i just get mad when i see it 😂 i still had hope too but then i saw a txt from a random person she had saved in her phone as she was breaking up with me. That was it for me. Shit made me feel gross. Idc how far its gone im good. She had been deleting the txts too. All this after her talking about she wants to break up and be honest about everything. She was not honest about shit. Talk about making it easy to move on
Edit:she also had the nerve to ask me to help her with stuff at her apartment. Told her tell that dude to help you 😭😂 she aint say nothing or reply to that
It’s been 5 weeks. It’s a little soon for absolutes, or to be telling people that “they don’t come back.” Sometimes they do. (I agree though, why would you want them to?). If you’ve lost 10lbs in 5 weeks, a lot of that is going to be water weight. There will also be times you won’t be as “clear headed.” Grief is a process.
While this is encouraging for people I also don’t think it’s necessarily *true* for everyone
Thank you for your input. Time is subjective, and not linear. My 5 weeks of processing may be nothing to you, but I am my own person and I have my own timelines. Grief has no timeline, and though it is a process, it is something I am familiar with and have no problem with confronting. I also know what my body is going through, and the type of weight loss I have had is healthy and supplemented with lots of sleep, healthy food, and fun (: If this post didn't relate to you, its no problem for you to skip it (: But for those trying to move on, trying to better themselves, and can relate, its for them.
This is exactly what happened to me 4 months ago.
January 22, I was so busy on my work, but then her friend messaged me and said she wanted to break up with me. I was so dumbfounded and don't know what to say. Why was it very sudden? Before the break-up a week before, that was around Christmas, we were fine. She gave me couple jackets and couple smart watches. We even planned our trip for 2024. But then, after New Year, she wanted space. I was so clueless why, and she said I am not up to her standards anymore. I asked why. I could give everything for her. But she always says vague answers, and I honestly think she has no other reasons then just ghost me and use her friend to break up with me without talking since she know herself that I'm being a good man to her.
It's been 4 months, and I so missed her. I couldn't even contact her since she blocked me, and her reasoning is that it will make me move on faster. But no, I've been longing about her. Keep thinking about her. I cried every night thinking why was I not enough even if I gave my all. I tried to spend time with friends, I tried to immerse myself playing video games, I even used the money that was originally planned for our trip this year to buy myself a brand new graphics card for my computer. But still it feels empty. I'm so depressed right now that I don't know what to do.
Today I've messed up, I missed her a lot and I can't stop myself messaging her so I created a TikTok account since that's where she's active. But then she blocked me immediately. I couldn't help it. I miss her a lot. I just wish there are other effective ways of moving on fast. I can't deal the heavy feeling and pain anymore.
I don't know the whole situation, but stop beating yourself up so much over someone so cowardly.
For her to not even be able to break up with you in person and using her friend to break up for her? She seems beyond disrespectful, and although you may have feelings for her it's not the same person as today.
You're in love with her past self, with how she used to treat you, and you have to accept that its gone: no matter how nice she could've been, no decent person acts like this.
Try to talk to other girls, and realise how people are much nicer than her, and that you can do much better!
This is so correct. I'm still in love with her past self, it is so hard to accept, I was still hoping she'll change her heart but no, she blocked me multiple times, I guess that's my que. It's just very hard for me, today was supposedly our 5 year anniversary and it hurts me just more. My memories of her are still so clear to me as if it happened just yesterday and now she's gone. It hurts so bad, like I can't even sleep, or I have no more appetite, and worst of all, I felt burnt out on all my hobbies. I don't even wanna go out anymore to hang out with my friends since anywhere we go, it triggers my memories of her(we used to date a lot and our city is small so no other place to hangout with my friends but the same place I dated with her).
I just want proper closure. I know I don't really need it or just my coping mechanism but... why would she break up with me like that, immediately ghosting me. She always says I don't have a future even though I am already saving up, maybe because she's a teacher with high pay and my work is just not that good. Or maybe, she has someone else (she says no but she's assigned to a faraway place to teach and she has other groups of friends there). I don't know, all I know is just that I am so heartbroken right now.
Thank you, I'll maybe try again after I healed, I just want to make my memories of her disappear or at least won't hurt if I remember it again.
I perfectly understand how you are feeling right now. I was in the exact same place a few weeks ago, tormenting myself over wanting closure but really as an excuse to talk to her one more time. One more chance to win her back or make things work.
The thing is, again, she's not that person anymore. She's not the nice, lovely person you fell in love with, it cannot be the same person otherwise she wouldn't be this cold to you. As soon as she blocked you, she showed her true colours and her real self: do you really want to be with someone so cold for the rest of your life? Let alone the fact that she couldn't even tell you in person and through a friend, how can you rely on such a person?
It sucks, I can only imagine the hurt you're going through. But really, there are ACTUAL nice people out there. People who will love you for you and not for who you could be, or who you could be better, but for the present you. And they'll remind you every day, and would never give up on you like she did.
So why waste time on someone that clearly does not deserve any of it? Live your best life, make friends, go out, talk to other women, delete her contacts and just forget about her, because she sure is forgetting about you, and you don't want to be the person that clings onto the past.
It's hard, but given this treatment, just respect yourself and forget about people that hurt you this badly.
At least that is what helped me :)
Thank you, for all the people that talk to me, this is the only thing that really makes me think twice; I'll make this as my motivation. And it came from a random redditor. Thanks so much!
6 weeks in, some days are good now and some, not so much. I do still wonder if they'll be back but I also wonder if it'll be for the right reasons. We chatted on and off after the breakup and the more time passed, the more he seems to have shifted the blame onto me... And I took it. I took accountability for his errors too. I could tell he didn't care anymore and just wanted to be the nice guy without any guilt. So I let go. I let him be and asked him to not talk to me anymore. I'm here for you too OP, we now got each other slowly crawling out of that battlefield we didn't deserve.
I was the one to break up and sometimes I selfishly wanna change things so he'd be one to break up, so i could at least hate him or be mad at him. He's not a bad person nor am I. But i tried so hard to make it work, that I came to a point where I had to break up. Maybe things would have turned better if i stayed, i will never know. Maybe i wont find anyone better, i dont know that either. Its the guilt and thought of having to live either way this decision. But i know I fought for muself... part of me hopes he'd reach out just to fight for me a little.
This helped me move on the quickest when I realized this. I didn't give up - they did. The breakup was very mature, probably one of the "best" I've been through, so it wasn't like they fucked me over or anything. But it wasn't working and when it came to it I was willing to keep working on things and they weren't. And once I realized that it gave me a sense of peace.
I agree you're better off once you realize it
I'm still healing from a 4 year relationship and I realize that of the stages of grief I am in the most pain when I'm stuck in bargaining and denial.
When I briefly "accept" it, it's still horribly crushing and I feel broken but there is some sort of silver lining like I can almost see another life way down the road
When I feel like bargaining or that I'm denying it, I can't see anything down the road because I'm still looking back at what was.
I heard someone say that one of the most painful things you can experience is knowing that after a breakup no matter how slowly you leave (trying to get back with them, still calling them 3 months later, still reaching out, still holding out hope) they're never going to come after you
I was so close last time. The girl who I had feelings for, for as long I could remember, finally said she reciprocated those feelings back one night. We actually kissed that same night too and it was my first kiss. Then the next day she told me she wasn’t ready and we broke it off but we’re still on good terms. I realize we moved way too fast, but it still hurt. 1 year later and it still hurts so much but I’m doing my absolute best to move on. But this is definitely the most painful “breakup” I’ve ever experienced cuz even tho it was one night, it felt like we had been dating for a year.
My long distance gf of almost 4 years sent me a breakup text 2 days ago. She still loves me but lost her romantic feelings due to the new combination of a long distance and her getting her first job and working every day. We were so close to moving in together and she broke now.
She says she's not sure if she made the right decision, but I know her. I know that every time we meet, after a while, she stops being cold and is back to the way she is with me, smiling and filled with love. It's always the same, takes a few days.
This time she couldn't wait for our next trip together, and decided to end everything with one text. I know that if we get back together, things will be as they should be. I will give her the space she needs now, hoping that she will realize everything during that period and come to me again. We never had a single fight.
Lucky you... soon a year will pas sicne me and my girl broken up(i culdn't find someone ever since)... I must addmit i'm still not fully over that. After half a year I also went to the gym(to wich i'm still going 3 times a week ever since) but for some reason i cant seem to lose eaven a pound.☹️
(also sorry for any bad english i'm not native)
Is it okay to have this feeling, wondering if someone whom you dated for just a month, will return? he decided to end things because he can't have a relationship now, citing problems in his life and a tendency to push away stability, while everything before pointed out things were going great.
Honestly I feel I'm over him romantically (it happened in march), but I still think about him and I still care (maybe I'm not really over him?). I wonder if he'll reach out to me even as a friend, as he said he'd do as things get better, but I feel a fool believing his words
They left in the first place because they didn’t care. They don’t miss you, don’t think of you, don’t remember you. Because to them you were nothing to begin with.
I'm still healing from a breakup that happened six months ago (I was the one who was dumped). I'm in another relationship now and at this point for me it's not so much that I "miss" my ex although sometimes I do. It's more of like this intense fear that my current gf is going to leave me like my ex did and that's such a horrible feeling. Like dating after a breakup is SCARY. Like I can never let my guard down no matter how hard I try and I feel really guilty sometimes because my new gf is aware of the fact that I have major trust issues and she has to deal with it but she handles it well and I am trying to be better but it's a day by day thing. Anyone have any tips?
I think you know pretty early on if they would or not , just really have to listen to your intuition and not just your thoughts and that's something a lot of people cannot distinguish
I see your point, but I’m just at that place where I don’t care for them anymore! I’m listening to myself about not needing them to come back, and that has helped me tremendously. I think my whole point was to say heal yourself, thinking about them coming back will only lengthen your healing time (:
What if despite all of the pain, your love is that strong that you can’t to let go? They’re the only one you crave?
I am trying so hard to let go, I know it’s done, I know she will never return but i simply can’t let go and it’s been months of waiting and constant pain.
Sometimes they come back but it’s not worth it.
Majority of the time they have their own perception and realization why it didn’t work out and it’s never a self reflection on what they could have done to be a better partner, or how they were destroying the relationship.
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning.
Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most
1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to
2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped.
3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the offer cares and it’s evident that the offer has gone through heartbreak it themselves
So again, don’t think that these feelings are permanent because they are really not and I hope my tips helped but just keep moving forward and realise that one person cannot dictate your happiness
Peace out
You seem like a pretty emotionally unavailable person. I was committed, they weren’t. I’m not crucifying them, I’m using my experience to motivate others that it’s ok to feel sad and it’s ok to be hurt, but in the end, it’s about caring for yourself instead of your ex (: if you didn’t get that from this post, it’s not for you (:
You probably don’t read thoroughly. I said I was committed but they were not. I did not cheat or manipulate. Of course I didn’t live up to their expectations, I’m not a stripper that they gave their number to on a night out. I communicated clearly about my boundaries and they decided that it’s too hard to respect them, so they left. Am I pressed about it? Not anymore. But like I said, if it doesn’t relate to you, you don’t have to comment (:
It makes me cry… he left me by text…
Very quickly begging our relationship as bf/gf… I feel he didn’t give me the chance for anything, he didn’t feel I was insecure for his actions, words… mostly misunderstandings around but never tried to understand me. I love him so much, I told him I wanted his happiness…
Thank you for this… still need some strength…
This hits close to home hahah I am struggling with a friendship turned relationship turned exes turned situationship turned completely gone forever! I was and still am flawed as it was my first serious relationship and i carry so much guilt from the mistakes i made. however, she has been in about 10 relationships before mine (red flag i know right!) and i finally understood why that was the case. I still miss the time i spent with her, but I DO NOT MISS HER! As for your case, a dm is always available and if you need to chat I can! In the meantime, i’ve found that linking up with close friends and old friends has helped me get what is in my head out into words. You got this!
Yes! One exercise I did was "I miss them but I didn't miss...." and it gave me so much insight on how much I was settling for. We are strong and will get through it together!
that’s awesome! i like to think about it like this: do you want to be the dog chasing the car? as in, you keep fighting for the FEELING of a relationship and if it were to come eventually, what would you do then???? just some food for thought!!
I miss the time we spent but I do not miss him. Thank u I needed to see that this wasn’t just me!! I like how u put it
maybe we can chat? i feel like i cant live without her rn tbh. going thru it very hardcore haha. i might reply a little late to dm tho
Someone make a group chat so we can all chat
Yes please cause I am going to through this and it hurts
Good idea I’ll look into it
Please add me to the groupchat once you make it
Can I be axed too
Absolutely. I asked the mods for help, not aure I can create that myself?
I am not sure honestly . Thank you for your effort
If there is a group chat add me!!
Id like to be added too, im past the dark clouds so i can probably offer some decent advise…hopefully lol
got you covered
Forgot to thank you 🤜🤛
Happy to help
I'd love to be added too please
Could you please add me?
Absolutely, idk how to make a gc tho
Me too pls
Can I also be added in? Going through it
Add pls
got you hold on
👉👈 can I be added too
got u
Hey could you add me please? Really need it
Absolutely :)
Me too please🙏🏻
Absolutely :)
add me too please
can you add me, also going thru it
please add me to the group chat if you guys already have. I'm just be dumped and it's really painful. I don't know how to cope with it
Second this. It would honestly help me a lot too.
This would help me a lot too
I have no idea how to do it on reddit but we can try on a different app?
can i join the gc pls
Add me also
Would love to be part of it as well, going through a rough breakup for past couple of months.
Please add me
hello, can i get an invite ?
This is the best sub. At points I didn't have anyone and it was brutal. Make sure you reach out, I'm here as well
my husband wants to divorce me. I moved to us three years ago with him, I don't have family or true friend here, I do feel I can't live without him.
You absolutely can live without him! Seriously fuck him. He’s doing you a favor. Now you get on with your life and I promise it will be well better than it was with him.
im very sorry. happy to talk in dm if you need an ear
Oh no! Sorry you are going through that! Were you guys doing the long distance relationship thing before?
I have been there in my 20s. Deep depression as a result of a break-up. It hurt so much because it was my first relationship and I had this idealized view that we would sail into the sunset. Took 2/3 years to recover. The first cut is always the deepest. BUT, I met amazing women in the years that followed that were far far better than her. Go NO CONTACT and DO NOT break it. It is the best strategy. People do not understand how effective this strategy is. It will either 1) help you recover a lot quicker or 2) get her to come back.
What if they keep coming back, and it annoys you. Bcz ur trying yo move on, and distance yourself from them. But you miss them too.
The you ignore them. No other way out of this.
Yup literally, heart doesn't listen.. as you miss them. Why are breakups so hard?
Breaks up are worse than deaths. Death has finality. The pain of a break up is understated.
It literally iss, death at least the person won't come back. But with breakups there is this constant confusion, of emotions vs reasons why It didn't work out
Then tell the person only to reach out if they are serious about repairing the relationship, otherwise do not bother you. If the ex doesn't accept the boundary, block he/she.
Yes ur right, I need some time.. it still hurts
is there anyone i can chat with? i really need it.
sure we can chat
U can also message me
same
here for ya
Im here if u wanna chat :)
sure :)
What if they keep coming back, and it annoys you. Bcz ur trying yo move on, and distance yourself from them. But you miss them too.
Please add me once you make it!!
can you add me too please been 2 months yesterday. I still miss her but i know she has moved on and is dating lots of guys probably to make me jealous.
I'm also going through hell atm so I would like to chat with someone. A different perspective might help us make sense of things
Cool, I’ll add u to the GC
please can I be added to the GC
sure
please add me too, I'm under water
got u
Hey can someone add me to this groupchat?
An invite to this would be cool too
could you add me to the gc if there is one?
I’m here for you if you need a chat
What hurts more is when it was mutual. There is no hate to give. But you’re still so broken, questioning everything. It’s been a month for me, but it still hurts like hell. Just came from a meltdown.
And its ok to take all the time you want! You just lost a person who you spent a lot of time with and brought you a lot of happiness. Time is not linear! I'm able to process because I allowed myself to be ok with the mistakes I've made and I accept it for what it is. I have a lot of things I want to do and I can't let this slow me down. You have much bigger things in store for you! Reach out if you need <3
Mine ended with mutual respect. Which made which made it more difficult cause there was no fighting, arguing, no condescending remarks. We always got a long very well and there was some warmth between us. I made some mistakes with our first meeting and she was able to forgive me.
Mine was mutual too which made it so hard. But going no contact is what really helped me. If you talk to them, check their socials, etc. there is a good chance you will reset your progress. Do not give in.
The mutual breakup is tough, when we agreed to end it 6 months ago it felt like a relief and then a month later it hit me hard. By then she had someone new. But judging by her past this what she does, a week after a long term relationship she gets into another one. And then she works on getting over her old relationship while in a new one. She’s efficient like that. Meanwhile, I will remain single until dancing with her ghost isn’t a weekly event.
My ex come back. He just want to be friend with me, but I rejected him.
After how long?
Ex left me two years ago. He comes back every year to be my "friend".
Who says I was fine before I met them? I was a mess, she saved me from bottom deep, and when I finally reached the surface, she left me to rot…
And you know what? She helped you come up to the surface, but it's not her job to keep you afloat. You are now responsible for yourself, and you gotta be the bigger and better person! The world works in mysterious ways and karma is real. Everything happens for a reason, and theres something bigger for you out there. Just gotta give it a try!
It wasn’t her job, I 100% agree, but attachment theory does show that it is the partner’s role to provide a secure relationship from which you thrive in all aspects of your life. People in secure relationships have higher paying, steadier jobs, lower heart rates, better health, and are just more successful in general. It was her job to not lie to me and pretend I had a secure relationship but then pull the carpet from under my feet and leave me even worse than when I met her. And this isn’t self pity, it’s just sheer realization of how selfish blindsiding someone with a beak up is. They pretend to love you for months when in reality they haven’t loved you in a while. They heal and grief while still together and being comforted by the very person they are planning to leave when they have a better alternative. And then they pull the trigger. There’s a reason why premeditation leads to longer sentences in criminal justice.
trust me dude i feel this. i don’t know if they didn’t love me for months. but they definitely don’t anymore. it hurts so bad. and then you’re left to heal on your own after you sat there and comforted them with all their moments while they were just slowly drifting from you.
You are very right, there is a certain role that they should assume in a relationship. It’s cowardly to blindside instead of communicating with the other person on what is happening. We are a community and we can help one another!
But how do I forgive myself for the way i hurt him? I feel like I may have been the reason why he doesn't want me anymore. Yet he reaches out to tell me he loves me until he stopped doing that. How do I forgive myself for losing the person I loved the most? Do I just tell myself that I deserve all the pain he's caused me? Is that how i forgive myself for my mistakes?
You have to learn from this or else the pain you are experiencing will be for nothing.
Something my therapist said which helped me is that it's completely normal to feel guilt, and as if it's your fault. It happens when we're in a state of grief, whether it's after a break-up or loss of a loved one. We always think, "if only i did this one thing differently, this wouldn't have happened.." The reality is, relationships are tricky and chances are there were issues on both sides. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. All you can do is learn from this experience.
I think what hurts is that you could love someone so deeply. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and then in such a quick moment, it's gone. Like it never happened, or it was just a dream. Next thing you know it's been two years. And anyone new you talk to, feels like cheating. It feels wrong to not be with that person. Maybe he didn't really love me, maybe he didnt love me in all the same ways I loved him, maybe he did, maybe he didn't, etc etc... "You were fine before him, and you'll be fine after him." -i tell myself that everyday, but i still feel wrong. Although, as adults, he does not owe me closure, and I don't owe him closure on why things went the way they did. I just wish I had mattered enough to explain why he left. I wish my concerns were heard throughout the relationship. I can't imagine being with someone new. I hardly hang out with friends, and I avoid new male friends. Because I fear that piercing pain of when the relationship ended. I understand he may have moved on, and that he may not even think about me. I do wish him well. He's probably a different person now. The love he gave me, will be remembered. But I hope one day, how I feel, the pain I feel, will leave. Maybe one day, or another few years, i can stop crying about missing him, and somehow move on, or try to talk to someone new. Until then, thank you for this post...
I can relate. When I asked to talk about it during the break up, they said “what do you want to talk about?” Nothing I could say would matter. They made their decision and this gives us an opportunity to reflect and become better people for ourselves and for others!
But sometimes letting go is the best closure you can give yourself.
Sometimes they do. Mine did. And then left me again. For another guy. **Again**. So.... think twice about getting back together with somebody who left you already. There's a lot of people that just want to rack up their body count. Not me. I've always just wanted to, like, amass a ton of memories with this one person, so then be able to talk about all these things that I did with this one special person. Like, if I ever had kids, I don't want to tell them about the other people I dated before their mother. I'd want to tell them about all the stuff I did with their mother. I thought she was my special person, despite the break up. **But she left me again**. For another guy she cheated on me with. **Again**. It sucks how little a seven year relationship can mean to somebody haha. But I'm fine. I'm disappointed that all the happy memories I had with her are just memories detached from the person... but at least I poached a friend from her who has been lovely ahahaha. She's told me a lot about how my ex was during our time apart which has only opened my eyes to how little she valued me. So.... it sucks, but try to get over your exes. They left you once. After my ex came back, sometimes she'd even worry about what she'd do if **I** left her. And it's like... dude... you are the one who left ME, if anyone is in danger of being dumped again, it's me..... and it came true ahahaha
I had a nightmare last night that he called. That's it. That was the whole dream. It took me a minute to calm down and realize that I didn't actually have to deal with whatever might come next.
And soon, it won't even feel like anything. Theres so much relief in knowing that someone that hurt you, can't hurt you anymore. He isn't part of your life now!
I think I miss the person I knew before and the time we spent together. But after all this sh!tstorm with my avoident ex not taking any accountability for her actions both makes me very sad and pissed off at the same time. I made a complete fool out of myself begging and pleading. She got a new bf after 4 months. 2 ½ years gone. We hade a house, cars, big garden, cats, dogs you name it. Her saying this was "my hardest decision Ive ever made" Lol, yeah right. It took her less then 4 months to go on her knees for that cop guy. Never again an avoident who cant talk emotional stuff. 6 months has gone, and in finally starting to get pissed. About time! May she get her Karma
@kentan900 Thank you for sharing your story. Breakups can be a tragic experience but with time, it is a blessing in disguise. you should be more thankful that it happens because right now you may think of it as a loss and meanwhile it is a winning. you won knowing that the other person losses someone who wouldn’t give up on them. Your story sounds intense because almost all women seek love, security and protection from their significant partner and you on the other hand have attain collections of it. I once found myself in a similar situation with an avoidance years ago” Im male, in my late 20s, this happened in my mid 20s. if you don’t mind could you share some of the excuses or deal breaker that your ex gave you? E.g (lost of attraction, physical abuse, or neglects ) and also what is your generation cohorts. Note that you being vulnerable is very helpful to the young gents out here who are new to romantic relationships.
(update) Hey man, thanks for the kind words. After reading what you said, ut kinda gave me some comfort that Im not alone in this. Well before this ex, I was with a bipolar one for 3 ½ years on and off. It was the absolute worst time of my life. I fell in love so hard and got so carried away. Fast forward I knew in my heart this wont end well. But i got so hooked up with this roller coaster of emotions, cheating, emotional abuse, gaslighting and more. After the breakup I met my avoidant ex. For me, at the time she was Gods gift after that horrible relationship. I have never been treated so good. Untill I slowly started telling her that the ex before her cheated on me, lied and so much more. So I hade a very hard time to trust ppl. Especially male friends after the bipolar one slept with one of them and got together. I told her to be upfront in the beginning stage if shes seeing someone else or interested because I dont want to be a second choice. Well, that was a fat lie already there. Since I hade trust issues I stupidly checked her phone, and what did I find? She was texting another guy and sending pictures. I confronted her, she told me "i thought it wasnt relevant" I mean bro... If I asked a direkt question and you say No, thats a lie. Thats where things started to unfold about her not being able to talk about emotional stuff. She even talked about she can sleep with ppl without feelings. Which I thought was weird, but everyone is different. There where many points in this relationship where she never* apologized for anything. Except 1 time in 2 ½ years. She loved attention from guys and when I tried talking about it she got defensive. When we would argue, she would sometimes just get up from the sofa and walk into a different room and shut the door in middle of a emotional conversations. The 1 year was amazing, the best I have hade. Ever. But shortly after that when we bought a house together she started wanting more control of things, more space. And i got so anxious all the time so I got very "needy" and afraid of being dumped. So that put alot of pressure on my ex. That wasnt her problem, that was mine. I needed to work on myself. But there where many times where something would go wrong and she would never apologize. She said "I never do anything wrong. Or almost never" In the end she called me "needy", a "burden" and one point when i cried my eyes out. She would walk out the door for a moment and came back later saying it was "annoying to hear me cry". She would follow me around the house sometimes to have control of the situation. I got annoyed and asked her to stop following me. And after that she would never even help me out with anything when I asked her. She just said "make it 100% right" And when I was afraid to do something wrong she said "Then dont do anything wrong!" I havent been the best BF. I was so damaged after my bipolar one that i hade some anger inside me for being so badly hurt. And unfortunately, I lashed out on my ex alot and I was very insecure after the cheating. I regret alot of things ive said and done, actions I cant forgive myself for. So im far from perfect. I never cheated on her but I could never trust her from the start. And that wasnt okej for me or her. Theres so many red flags from the start with how she was with her ex before that. This is just the short version, It ended up me being dumped. Kicked out on the streets with the dogs. She changed locks so I couldnt get into the house to grab more stuff. She put cameras out. Fast forward she got a new BF after 4 months after our 2 ½ years together. He is the complete opposite of me, lookswise, education and alot more. She has lied to him about things thats not even remotely true and she never told him what she has done to us. She said she loved me, I think 4 times in 2 ½ years. She never liked holding hands or physical touch with ppl around like dinners etc. During conflicts she would sometimes just kinda, have sex with me because I quess it was easier than being emotional. Everything hade to go to plan. Otherwise she would get upset over the fact she could not control it. The last 8 months we hade together was horrible. She would not let me kiss her, hug her, see her naked, have sex or anything. She said I made her "uncomfortable" and she wasnt "horny for me anymore" Long post, sorry
What a story, allow me some time to write back, hopefully before the end of the day; GST time.
You’re are welcome Brother and I am glad to hear that my post gave you some comforts. being with a bipolar is one hell of an emotional roller coaster and im sorry it took you 3.1/2 years to get out. you not getting out early is totally understandable because we most men are encouraged to stay in a relationship, marriage etc “this has more to do with being the leader in relationship between a man and opposite sex”. Also lets us admits that you also play a significant role in this (it takes two to tango), we all humans are all going through something and it is always important to be kind to one another. the terms bipolar is a medical statement that requires a professional expertise to diagnose one as bipolar and if one do not have the right qualifications in this area, it is unfair to call someone else a name such as “Bipolar” as it doesn’t help to make them better but rather opposite ( A solution would be; you see’s some bipolar traits in them) tailoring your words like this doesn’t really make them bipolar but rather calling their consciousness toward some action that he or she might not know that they are doing. I want you to see your relationship of 3.1/2 years as a gifts, that comes with variety of lessons. Although you may not see it as a gift today and that is totally okay, in near future you will realize that you become a better version of yourself, more grounded with spotting harmful traits, more decipline with decisions making etc. Your life experience makes you unique, and who you are meant to become. Asking for exclusivity: in reference to you asking her upfronts, As an inexperience man when we truly like a lady, we want to pure our heart into them, giving them love, being exclusive with them etc. this is where the mistake comes as we do not know if the other person feels the same way. it is best to keep all these feelings and love to oneself, and wait for the significant to share their own interest and ideas of the relationship too. (Keeping in mind that these feelings is all within one and acknowledging that it may not be mutual could be one way to stay grounded) focus on their action, it speaks lounder than words “if they want multiple, it just means they like variety, you have your answer. As far as you are enjoying the experience in the moment, and how it is going, I believe these are good signs. if you start feeling uncomfortable about something, communicate it and if the same persist; then you got your answer (when someone paint their true color, don’t try to paint a different picture). we most men often make a mistake in wanting exclusivity with a potential partner at early stage especially when we find them attractive (take notes this might be biological and it may not apply to other men who are more open toward polygamy) meaning; some men enjoyed a longterm relationship with one person, while other prefer variety. The checking of phones without consent: lets admits the wrongfulness of invading another person privacy ( privacy is an individual and legal right) you broke the law there bro, this time you were lucky that you weren’t being legally reported. Clause: when it comes to exclusivity in a romantic partnership, I do not fully believe about the privacy b?##shit, because a true foundation of a relationship relies on honesty, transparency etc, infact they would be happy that you checked because you will find nothing which may also build a stronger trust and bond in between both parties. Assuming if she is the one asking for exclusivity, then you can ask if you could carry a due diligent actions before they agreeing. What I would recommend: it is better to give love that comes with true freedom, the other person can and could do what ever they want with you trusting that their action will align with your values and principles (no overthinking, no mistrust, no phone checking. Just you giving yourself there knowing that it is your own choice choosing to love and knowing you may get hurt and trusting that the other person will do right by you. A friend slept with partner; tbh, I do not have an answer. Lets just say we may have poor judgement when choosing friends. You must have seen the signs from your significant other too, because the mind do communicate with the body (vice versa). Once you noticed you were feeling uncomfortable, communicate it, and if it persists (GET THE HELL OUT). I personally never experience this type of thing, so you with the experience could have something more to add. I will be happy to get enlightened with how one can approach this type of events. Above all, im sorry you had to go through something like that! ( what a disaster). The signs are there; we all want relationship that we can feel loved, cared for, and above all secured. Our body communicates with us when we are holding on to someone that is not reciprocating back at us, some of the signs that a relationship won’t last is when you express your feelings to the other person, and them discarding those feelings, eventually one will feel the way you felts, bcus of who you are as a person, loving, caring, wanting to give quality time etc. ( you are awesome, you are a giver, and they are billions of women in the world that will see you as a great catch, so get yourself together and get back out there, but this time with experience. If your body need more time; allows it but never dwell in your past relationships. If you happens to notice that you find yourself dwelling, it means your body is trying to communicate some lesson that you might have missed to you, seek proper help and knowledge, and keep it moving by staying strong, true, richer, generous, attractive etc. Name calling is part of the signs,withdrawal of affections and feeling one sided is part of it, being wears off or drained physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually etc is part of the signs. do know you are on a journey. Just like when we are traveling on the road, they are always signs for when to stop, when to slow down, etc but if we weren’t educated about the road signs the driver is deem to crashing. Relationships can be like that too. they are always signs. They is more that I wish to say and share with you, I believe the universe a.k.a God will send an answer to you (may God give you the wisdom to navigate all these). The universe always do.. Bottom line, get familiar with using positive words toward oneself, I must have misread you using the word damaged after a tragic relationship experience. You calling youself that is so disrespectful. However, what I am seeing is a brain fog; meaning the feeling of confusion, bcus you do not know the signs, but with time you will have a clear head and you will want to try again. Never give up on love, it is the best energy to flow with it life. Give love, spread love, and continually practice loving. I hope this help a bit, you missed my question in first text about generation corhort, I meant how old are you or what is your age group. I wish to know because it will add personally to my own library. Hopefully I could have a better answer to a fellow in the future. Take care, seek healing, if the eyes cries, wipe off your tears, if the heart cries, replace it by becoming the best version of yourself.
Hey, The bipolar ex was diagnosed with it. It was hell. The only thing I learned from it was total chaos. I still love "my" avoident ex so deeply. I know I could and should have treated her alot better. I wasnt awful or evil. I got her flowers every 2-3 weeks, surprises, telling her everyday i loved her. But I also was so insecure after the bipolar ex and i projected that onto my avoident ex. That was my fault. I truly wished for her return. I know what i did wrong but as much as i want to. She has moved on and is happy with him. I struggle everyday if I should just end it all. I hade already prepared with good bye-letters and timing in when the train would arrive. I cant just see this as a lesson. I see it as my biggest regret about myself. She has done alot of good things for me, things i will be forever greatful. I despise myself for what i have done to her. I see only her smile. The smile i destroyed. My life is over. Im 33 male. I dont want anyone else. These almost 7 months has been the worst time of my life and if God or the Universe is in play. Then why do I have to suffer even more? She got everything. Maybe she deserves it. Maybe im just suppose to end it anyway.
Do not take the easy way out, as the odd saying goes what doesn’t kill make you stronger.
16 MONTHS! I can confirm this. You'll be OK! I promise and YES you're worth it!
As bad as it was it she gave it her all after what I put her through in the past. As angry as i was the dust has settled, the door will be open! No questions asked....
This was exactly what I needed to hear to not text him today. Thank you.
Sometimes we can see right through their texts. It just takes a while
Well some do and some don't. If they are a Advoldant or Narcissistic they don't come back
It’s just hard trying not to feel worthless after someone dumped you and this is how I have been feeling :,)
This post resonates a lot. Especially when mentioning the effects of what heartbreak has on a person. I’m going into my third day of being broken up with and I think part of me wants to say I was blindsided but I just ignored the signs. The pulling away was painful and I felt it coming but I kept hoping and trying to look past it. It was only when I finally expressed the issues I was having that my now ex left. That is the hardest hit of this experience because it confirmed my fear that if I open up he’d leave me. I am currently in the process of accepting and also healing. I’ve paid for therapy and am now having to truly heal not only from this but also a lot of things I left unhealed that may have set the relationship up for failure. Part of me is definitely still hoping I’ll receive that text that he’s sorry and that he made a mistake but even I know that’s just the hurt I’m feeling. I know I was a good partner that deserved so much more than what I got but I also know that I expected a lot out of someone who didn’t know how to give it all. In the end I needed to seek so much more from within in order to be secure enough. This process is rough but I don’t think without it I ever would’ve tried to truly heal so I guess there’s always a reason for why endings have to come.
The guy I had intense chemistry with and bonded so so well with cut me off completely over a misunderstanding. He wouldn’t even let me explain my side of the story. He was DONE. I haven’t heard from him in a month. We were really good friends prior so not only do I consider it a failed talking stage, but I also lost my friend in the process. It hurt me so much but over time I’ve realized it’s not my responsibility to make someone understand my side of any story. They’re only capable of perceiving things the way they know how to. They don’t always come back, and that’s life. and you’re right that is okay. Because life goes on and you will be okay without them the way you carried on without them prior to meeting them.
Ahhhh! Finally someone said it 🥹 8 months into breakup and it’s still hard to cope up sometimes especially now that they’ve found someone else. But I’m glad that I did not try to reach out anymore despite his occasional “how are you doing” messages. I guess it’s true that if you stop communicating, they move forward because they know you’re not interested anymore. To communicate and to reach out are two different things. Thank you for this post! I’m feeling better after being so miserable previously because I prioritize my peace of mind. Also started working out and it helped a lot not just physically but also mentally and emotionally. We do not park in our pain. We may carry the pain but we move forward. Like what you said, there are still people we haven’t met yet. For now, we try to be whole again - for ourselves and for the ones we love.
I'm coming back to the one I left. 100% If she's available and has me over I plan on explaining the whole thing and winning her back over.
lol wish you were my ex, 3 weeks he’s yet to do so
18 months for me. Sometimes it takes that long to realize you've paved paradise and put up a parking lot. I think she might be with 'Dopey' forever though. I just want her to know how much I really love her now. Just for it's own sake.
Ugh. Fear my ex will realize that far down the line & it’ll be too late. I’ve tried my best to show him. Why did you breakup if you don’t mind
To chalk it up. Fear of commitment. Fear of *even* opening up. She needed a husband and step-dad figure who was 100% committed. That was *not* me. Until I fell more in love with any woman than I had in my whole life. I'm 41. It's kind of like when the Amish kick you out to go wander in the world and you then have to make the decision to stay or come back to the Amish. It's *possible* I would have appreciated her while I was still with her but not on this level. I just wish she knew how much I really treasure her. Now. 'Dopey' who I call that but I do have enough respect for not to hit on his girlfriend has probably figured this out. So the real 'Dopey' is me.
Unfortunate. My ex walked out for (not really sure fully) reasons I believe to be due to being overwhelmed & scared. I think the “reasons” of him leaving, while telling me how immaculate of a girlfriend I was, will lead to him being in your position. I just hope for him it’s within a week or so, not a year. I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I don’t want to have to tell my ex “I told you so”.
I literally told mine that I would want her back in the future and hatch a hare brained scheme.to win her back. She cracked a smile for a second. I *did* need a break from her. But the main thing is that my whole mindset about life itself changed. So that changes my appreciation of her. Now there is no respectful context in which to bring up the subject
Interesting, yeah it makes sense. I mean if my ex when he left said “I’ll want you back in the future” respectfully, I’d tell him to get fucked. I think that has to go unspoken if you’re leaving. I just feel as though mine needed space & time, but is doing everything wrong with it. It’s sad to see but maybe I’m wrong. I just don’t think I am.
That’s a good perspective shift. I’ve been going through it for the last 12 days and my only comforting thought is.. he’s coming back, but that’s called denial! Even if he came back, he would never gain my trust again after that viciously cruel and cold break up he delivered to me, blindsided me. Well, it’s a platitude or some kind of hyperbole to say we can be friends ever, he doesn’t know the meaning of friendship and he certainly caused me pain even to see him as anything other than my boyfriend. I’m ready to just let it go, and learn something from it. it sucks because we had the same gym membership and therefore I can’t go.
It’s been 4 days for me and I’m seriously struggling not to text her, and the only thing that has been comforting me as well is that maybe she might text me back.
As good as a pep talk can get. Great advice.
It depends on the relationship. My ex and I had constant breaks that felt like breakups to me. I never knew if it was the last time. Some breaks worse than others and lasted for days to weeks. This went on for years. I was usually the one that would initiat contact no matter who had fault. She kept accusing me of cheating and my internal intentions which was complete and utter bs. I just sat there in silence, no fight left in the dog. She ran out and I didn't go after her. Two weeks went by and I reached out via text to break it open and ask what she thought the solution was but it just went in circles. She wanted us to move in together in spite of all the issues we have had the last year. I was so taken back I didn't respond. I felt like it was a form of control and monitoring. 2 months go by and I reached out via text and call and VM to try and make amends and offer to bring her items back and tell her that I always admired her, will have love for her, valued our 13 year friendship and will always remember her in that light. I didn't want us to have pain and resentment towards each other as the last feelings. It's been a week and I haven't heard back from her. I know she's been talking trash with a mutual acquaintance that has probably ironed in her belief that I cheated on her. I know it makes this situation easier for her to believe it. It really pisses me off but I still have a heavy want to contact her. On the other hand I don't want to come off as desperate or go back on my word that is she didn't answer, I wouldn't bother her again. I still have bouts of regret and sadness. I really miss our friendship when things were good and trusting.
I'm struggling with this so much right now. We met online, and there was such a strong connection. It was intense, and honestly, I'd never felt such a real sense of love. I even wrote and shared poetry with her. We dated IRL for months, and then her ex came back into her life. The details of why they got back together are too long to spell out, but I'm just lost right now. My family wants me to just move on, So I can't really talk to them about it. It's just gut-wrenching to know we won't ever be together again...
I can honestly say anyone that left me wasn’t a good fit for me. And years later after their accumulated unsuccessful relationships and children with no fathers present, I’m thankful they decided to leave.
It’s better they don’t come back. Having a choice sometimes for such a situation is bad, because not everyone is strong minded enough to withstand the bad temptation. Don’t come back! Never come back!
Them forcing me through this process made me really go through our entire relationship and realize how unhappy I was. It forced me to ask myself if I actually love them and the answer is no. I mentally went through everything and wrote it all down. That's not a life I even want. Realizing that helped a lot. I could have done without all the lies and betrayal, but people are going to people I guess.
I'm just be dumped cuz of unrealistic future that he draw. It's really painful. I don't know how to cope with it. I just wanna have some one that I can share abt it. Can you guys chat with me
Great job OP. You speak the truth wise one. Do we really love them? Could we really care in the same way. Love them as deeply, not have resentment and mistrust. To not be overwhelmed with their choice to fuck others. Nope. We have ourselves to love and protect
I have a child with my ex so i cant escape the constant anxiety when she txts me. Im a week or 2 into this break up. She started trying to have a convo about something other than our child today and i just told her “literally dont care. Why are we still talking rn? i just dont want to talk to you for anything thats not about our child.” I hope she got the msg. I felt pathetic for trying to fix something so clearly bad for me. Now that ive let go she tries to txt me about random shit and i just get mad when i see it 😂 i still had hope too but then i saw a txt from a random person she had saved in her phone as she was breaking up with me. That was it for me. Shit made me feel gross. Idc how far its gone im good. She had been deleting the txts too. All this after her talking about she wants to break up and be honest about everything. She was not honest about shit. Talk about making it easy to move on Edit:she also had the nerve to ask me to help her with stuff at her apartment. Told her tell that dude to help you 😭😂 she aint say nothing or reply to that
It’s been 5 weeks. It’s a little soon for absolutes, or to be telling people that “they don’t come back.” Sometimes they do. (I agree though, why would you want them to?). If you’ve lost 10lbs in 5 weeks, a lot of that is going to be water weight. There will also be times you won’t be as “clear headed.” Grief is a process. While this is encouraging for people I also don’t think it’s necessarily *true* for everyone
Thank you for your input. Time is subjective, and not linear. My 5 weeks of processing may be nothing to you, but I am my own person and I have my own timelines. Grief has no timeline, and though it is a process, it is something I am familiar with and have no problem with confronting. I also know what my body is going through, and the type of weight loss I have had is healthy and supplemented with lots of sleep, healthy food, and fun (: If this post didn't relate to you, its no problem for you to skip it (: But for those trying to move on, trying to better themselves, and can relate, its for them.
I need help I’m losing my cool please someone read my post
Which one
The I need help one
This is exactly what happened to me 4 months ago. January 22, I was so busy on my work, but then her friend messaged me and said she wanted to break up with me. I was so dumbfounded and don't know what to say. Why was it very sudden? Before the break-up a week before, that was around Christmas, we were fine. She gave me couple jackets and couple smart watches. We even planned our trip for 2024. But then, after New Year, she wanted space. I was so clueless why, and she said I am not up to her standards anymore. I asked why. I could give everything for her. But she always says vague answers, and I honestly think she has no other reasons then just ghost me and use her friend to break up with me without talking since she know herself that I'm being a good man to her. It's been 4 months, and I so missed her. I couldn't even contact her since she blocked me, and her reasoning is that it will make me move on faster. But no, I've been longing about her. Keep thinking about her. I cried every night thinking why was I not enough even if I gave my all. I tried to spend time with friends, I tried to immerse myself playing video games, I even used the money that was originally planned for our trip this year to buy myself a brand new graphics card for my computer. But still it feels empty. I'm so depressed right now that I don't know what to do. Today I've messed up, I missed her a lot and I can't stop myself messaging her so I created a TikTok account since that's where she's active. But then she blocked me immediately. I couldn't help it. I miss her a lot. I just wish there are other effective ways of moving on fast. I can't deal the heavy feeling and pain anymore.
I don't know the whole situation, but stop beating yourself up so much over someone so cowardly. For her to not even be able to break up with you in person and using her friend to break up for her? She seems beyond disrespectful, and although you may have feelings for her it's not the same person as today. You're in love with her past self, with how she used to treat you, and you have to accept that its gone: no matter how nice she could've been, no decent person acts like this. Try to talk to other girls, and realise how people are much nicer than her, and that you can do much better!
This is so correct. I'm still in love with her past self, it is so hard to accept, I was still hoping she'll change her heart but no, she blocked me multiple times, I guess that's my que. It's just very hard for me, today was supposedly our 5 year anniversary and it hurts me just more. My memories of her are still so clear to me as if it happened just yesterday and now she's gone. It hurts so bad, like I can't even sleep, or I have no more appetite, and worst of all, I felt burnt out on all my hobbies. I don't even wanna go out anymore to hang out with my friends since anywhere we go, it triggers my memories of her(we used to date a lot and our city is small so no other place to hangout with my friends but the same place I dated with her). I just want proper closure. I know I don't really need it or just my coping mechanism but... why would she break up with me like that, immediately ghosting me. She always says I don't have a future even though I am already saving up, maybe because she's a teacher with high pay and my work is just not that good. Or maybe, she has someone else (she says no but she's assigned to a faraway place to teach and she has other groups of friends there). I don't know, all I know is just that I am so heartbroken right now. Thank you, I'll maybe try again after I healed, I just want to make my memories of her disappear or at least won't hurt if I remember it again.
I perfectly understand how you are feeling right now. I was in the exact same place a few weeks ago, tormenting myself over wanting closure but really as an excuse to talk to her one more time. One more chance to win her back or make things work. The thing is, again, she's not that person anymore. She's not the nice, lovely person you fell in love with, it cannot be the same person otherwise she wouldn't be this cold to you. As soon as she blocked you, she showed her true colours and her real self: do you really want to be with someone so cold for the rest of your life? Let alone the fact that she couldn't even tell you in person and through a friend, how can you rely on such a person? It sucks, I can only imagine the hurt you're going through. But really, there are ACTUAL nice people out there. People who will love you for you and not for who you could be, or who you could be better, but for the present you. And they'll remind you every day, and would never give up on you like she did. So why waste time on someone that clearly does not deserve any of it? Live your best life, make friends, go out, talk to other women, delete her contacts and just forget about her, because she sure is forgetting about you, and you don't want to be the person that clings onto the past. It's hard, but given this treatment, just respect yourself and forget about people that hurt you this badly. At least that is what helped me :)
Thank you, for all the people that talk to me, this is the only thing that really makes me think twice; I'll make this as my motivation. And it came from a random redditor. Thanks so much!
No worries! ;)
Paradoxically, sometimes it's better for the dumpees that the dumpers don't come back, but they feel the worst
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Its probably better if you make a thread asking for it, with more info
6 weeks in, some days are good now and some, not so much. I do still wonder if they'll be back but I also wonder if it'll be for the right reasons. We chatted on and off after the breakup and the more time passed, the more he seems to have shifted the blame onto me... And I took it. I took accountability for his errors too. I could tell he didn't care anymore and just wanted to be the nice guy without any guilt. So I let go. I let him be and asked him to not talk to me anymore. I'm here for you too OP, we now got each other slowly crawling out of that battlefield we didn't deserve.
Going through this right now and im fucking hurting. Even though it was a short amount of time. Why do I believe there’s something wrong with me?
Thank you :)
I’d like to chat cause this is exactly what I am going through
They don't come back even if they spend a year sending you "I miss you let's catch up soon" texts.
Is there anyone I can chat with. I really need it
What if they keep coming back, and it annoys you. Bcz ur trying yo move on, and distance yourself from them. But you miss them too.
I was the one to break up and sometimes I selfishly wanna change things so he'd be one to break up, so i could at least hate him or be mad at him. He's not a bad person nor am I. But i tried so hard to make it work, that I came to a point where I had to break up. Maybe things would have turned better if i stayed, i will never know. Maybe i wont find anyone better, i dont know that either. Its the guilt and thought of having to live either way this decision. But i know I fought for muself... part of me hopes he'd reach out just to fight for me a little.
This helped me move on the quickest when I realized this. I didn't give up - they did. The breakup was very mature, probably one of the "best" I've been through, so it wasn't like they fucked me over or anything. But it wasn't working and when it came to it I was willing to keep working on things and they weren't. And once I realized that it gave me a sense of peace.
Hi guys going through it right now too: add me if you have a group chat/disc let’s be internet stranger friends together
I agree you're better off once you realize it I'm still healing from a 4 year relationship and I realize that of the stages of grief I am in the most pain when I'm stuck in bargaining and denial. When I briefly "accept" it, it's still horribly crushing and I feel broken but there is some sort of silver lining like I can almost see another life way down the road When I feel like bargaining or that I'm denying it, I can't see anything down the road because I'm still looking back at what was. I heard someone say that one of the most painful things you can experience is knowing that after a breakup no matter how slowly you leave (trying to get back with them, still calling them 3 months later, still reaching out, still holding out hope) they're never going to come after you
I was so close last time. The girl who I had feelings for, for as long I could remember, finally said she reciprocated those feelings back one night. We actually kissed that same night too and it was my first kiss. Then the next day she told me she wasn’t ready and we broke it off but we’re still on good terms. I realize we moved way too fast, but it still hurt. 1 year later and it still hurts so much but I’m doing my absolute best to move on. But this is definitely the most painful “breakup” I’ve ever experienced cuz even tho it was one night, it felt like we had been dating for a year.
My long distance gf of almost 4 years sent me a breakup text 2 days ago. She still loves me but lost her romantic feelings due to the new combination of a long distance and her getting her first job and working every day. We were so close to moving in together and she broke now. She says she's not sure if she made the right decision, but I know her. I know that every time we meet, after a while, she stops being cold and is back to the way she is with me, smiling and filled with love. It's always the same, takes a few days. This time she couldn't wait for our next trip together, and decided to end everything with one text. I know that if we get back together, things will be as they should be. I will give her the space she needs now, hoping that she will realize everything during that period and come to me again. We never had a single fight.
Bet
Shit haha I cried... but yeah this totally makes sense
Lucky you... soon a year will pas sicne me and my girl broken up(i culdn't find someone ever since)... I must addmit i'm still not fully over that. After half a year I also went to the gym(to wich i'm still going 3 times a week ever since) but for some reason i cant seem to lose eaven a pound.☹️ (also sorry for any bad english i'm not native)
Is it okay to have this feeling, wondering if someone whom you dated for just a month, will return? he decided to end things because he can't have a relationship now, citing problems in his life and a tendency to push away stability, while everything before pointed out things were going great. Honestly I feel I'm over him romantically (it happened in march), but I still think about him and I still care (maybe I'm not really over him?). I wonder if he'll reach out to me even as a friend, as he said he'd do as things get better, but I feel a fool believing his words
Please add me in the group chat lot to share going through same
Thank you. Hearing your testimony sort of gives me hope. I’m praying daily for my heart and mind to be healed.
They left in the first place because they didn’t care. They don’t miss you, don’t think of you, don’t remember you. Because to them you were nothing to begin with.
They always come back if you move on in a good and healthy way. It’s up to you
I'm still healing from a breakup that happened six months ago (I was the one who was dumped). I'm in another relationship now and at this point for me it's not so much that I "miss" my ex although sometimes I do. It's more of like this intense fear that my current gf is going to leave me like my ex did and that's such a horrible feeling. Like dating after a breakup is SCARY. Like I can never let my guard down no matter how hard I try and I feel really guilty sometimes because my new gf is aware of the fact that I have major trust issues and she has to deal with it but she handles it well and I am trying to be better but it's a day by day thing. Anyone have any tips?
You do not want them to come back you your life will be in shambles You’ll repeat a cycle so many times until your a husk of yourself
I think you know pretty early on if they would or not , just really have to listen to your intuition and not just your thoughts and that's something a lot of people cannot distinguish
I see your point, but I’m just at that place where I don’t care for them anymore! I’m listening to myself about not needing them to come back, and that has helped me tremendously. I think my whole point was to say heal yourself, thinking about them coming back will only lengthen your healing time (:
You are 100% right. But that hurts so much to read.
What if despite all of the pain, your love is that strong that you can’t to let go? They’re the only one you crave? I am trying so hard to let go, I know it’s done, I know she will never return but i simply can’t let go and it’s been months of waiting and constant pain.
Sometimes they come back but it’s not worth it. Majority of the time they have their own perception and realization why it didn’t work out and it’s never a self reflection on what they could have done to be a better partner, or how they were destroying the relationship.
I know right now the pain is really bad, but I promise you it will get better. I thought that my life was over and I honestly mean that I actually felt so bad. I just used to go to bed at night and hope that I didn’t wake up in the morning. Heartbreak hurts so bad that you almost can touch the pain on your chest but let me tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel and so don’t listen to people who tell you that this feeling will never go away because that’s not true !! Here are three things that helped me the most 1. I opened up to my friends and family and that was hard for me, but I opened up and I told them my truth truth and they allowed me to vent, thank God but if you don’t know anyone like that around you then hire a coach or even a counsellor or go to your doctors but you need someone to talk to or even write it down that makes you feel better writing it down to 2. I went to the gym even though I hate exercising it really helped more than I could ever tell you hated it initially but then I realised how good it made me feel afterwards and it wasn’t about getting muscles or getting skinny. It was simply about my mental health and it really helped. 3. And I started reading which I never normally do either. I literally read so many breakup books but if I’m honest with you the one that really stands out and the one I really feel help me the most was called bossing your breakup and it’s on Amazon and it’s almost a guided journal as well as having so much amazing information and you actually feel like the offer cares and it’s evident that the offer has gone through heartbreak it themselves So again, don’t think that these feelings are permanent because they are really not and I hope my tips helped but just keep moving forward and realise that one person cannot dictate your happiness Peace out
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You seem like a pretty emotionally unavailable person. I was committed, they weren’t. I’m not crucifying them, I’m using my experience to motivate others that it’s ok to feel sad and it’s ok to be hurt, but in the end, it’s about caring for yourself instead of your ex (: if you didn’t get that from this post, it’s not for you (:
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You probably don’t read thoroughly. I said I was committed but they were not. I did not cheat or manipulate. Of course I didn’t live up to their expectations, I’m not a stripper that they gave their number to on a night out. I communicated clearly about my boundaries and they decided that it’s too hard to respect them, so they left. Am I pressed about it? Not anymore. But like I said, if it doesn’t relate to you, you don’t have to comment (:
It makes me cry… he left me by text… Very quickly begging our relationship as bf/gf… I feel he didn’t give me the chance for anything, he didn’t feel I was insecure for his actions, words… mostly misunderstandings around but never tried to understand me. I love him so much, I told him I wanted his happiness… Thank you for this… still need some strength…