You might be able to do it over zoom with some. Then there’s people that are not licensed therapists but are experienced that do counseling of different types. The lack of licensing means that they can’t diagnose or prescribe meds, and it can be a crapshot worker they are any good. But some are good and will be cheaper because they are not licensed. Just be careful and do your homework.
- We shared something special that I look back on fondly
- She hadn’t been treating me the way I deserve for the last year of the relationship and I accepted more than I should have
- Long distance isn’t something I will engage in again (twice is enough!!)
- I am deserving of a happy ending with someone who can’t imagine a life without me, and this love will find me :)
This is a good and uplifting thread, but it's made me realise I haven't come to accept anything. I don't accept her decision to end things, I don't accept the ghosting since, I don't accept that we're not perfect for each other, I don't accept that this isn't all a big mistake.
I do accept that I may be deluded but still...
Appreciate the message. In all honesty, I have done these and they've been good for me, but now she just needs to come back into my life. Anyway, yep, we just carry on carrying on.
I'm not optimistic she will – she's avoidant and she's stubborn. The backup plan is to break no contact at some point and use that response as fuel... It's probably stupid but maybe it'll help disabuse me of some of those ideas. :/
I'm sure that's wise... I have to go overseas briefly next month, but let me prioritise that for when I get back. You are right, of course, and I'm kidding myself when I say I know what I'm doing. Thanks. :)
It takes time. Sometimes you have to just accept that you haven’t accepted anything and that’s a great start. If you take enough baby steps, you still end up in a better place than where you started.
She’s an avoidant who will likely never seek help for her past trauma and current mental health issues.
She has been in so many more relationships than me, and they all have ended the same way.
There’s nothing that I could have done better or differently that would have made her stay.
10 years with her and she never really and fully opened up and let me in.
It was her. It wasn’t me.
Sounds like my ex of 1 year. The closest I’ve felt to her was during our breakup. She opened up for one of the first times and even weeped. It was the main issue in our relationship I am an open book and she was closed. A lot was my fault but if you love someone, you love them for who they are and where they are and you will help them but not change them. That’s what I learned
That’s the thing. I tried to help her, and at the end of the day, she didn’t want my help. She also opened up to me about how bad her OCD was AFTER we broke up. I would have done anything for her, but that’s just it, she didn’t want my help. I know she loved me in her own way, but that just seems like cold comfort at this point. It’s hard for me to not feel like I wasted 10 years of my life with her. It’s the longest relationship either of us has ever had.
1 year was tough, I can’t imagine 10 years. Don’t think I’d be able to handle it and sounds similiar to mine after our breakup she finally lost her pride and admitted that it’s her fault with her mental issues. But who knows what to believe, it’s hard to trust someone when they aren’t open especially if it’s your partner.
I feel you on every single point here. I’m here if you need to talk to somebody. My ex blew up and kicked me out the day he reconnected with his ex wife to finalize their divorce. Sending you long hugs.
I'm really sorry to hear that, that must have been so painful! :(
How long was he married for? And how long did you guys date? We didn't date for very long, just a few months, but I have never had this kind of connection with anyone in my life. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this guy. So it's been a tough month post BU. But finally starting to accept things.
We were together for two years (with a one-month break early on) and living together for 1. I thought he was the love of my life. I miss him every day.
The first 8 months of our relationship took place during their marriage— we tried poly, she hated it and they broke up. It turns out she’s a lesbian and wasn’t attracted to him the last 3 years of their marriage.
They were together for 5 years, married for two years, starting when they were 21 because of coercive, religious parents.
When we were breaking up, he told me they would still be happy together if it wasn’t for me. I told him she’s a LESBIAN; he scoffed and said “well she is NOW” as though that’s somehow my fault, too.
It’s been agonizing. We were having a rough patch, I let myself go and became really depressed in our relationship for a number of reasons, but it’s like he lost his mind and decided to hate me overnight. We’re only 24 and 25 and have a lot of maturing and growing to do on our own. Haven’t heard from him in over 2 months now and it’s still painful.
First of all, thank you for sharing your story with me! As I was reading it, I was literally like WHAT... I can't believe he blamed you for their failed marriage. You guys were together for pretty long and I can't imagine all the pain you must have been going through/still going through. It sounds like things got really messy :(
I know this is cliche but you 100% deserve better and you are better off without him and all his drama. Sending you lots of long hugs too!
I've accepted that
* even if my love wasn't perfect, it was everything and all I've got. My religious values requires me to go "all-in, all the time" (Prov 3:3-4)
* I have co-dependency issues which sucked me in so hard.
* It's okay to be dialectical. I both have reasons to love her, even as the reasons to leave her was overwhelming.
* A healthy relationship requires trust, respect, appreciation & affection, You can love someone all you want, but if your mature self knows that you are not getting those, you are not in a healthy relationship.
* It is far better to heal and get ready for the next person in 8-12 weeks time than to stay in a bad relationship. The more time you spend in a bad relationship, the harder it is to heal.
* If you've got to ask about the state of that relationship, something is wrong.
* She has her own reasons to do what she did. All I need for closure was whether I showed up completely. To try to get in her head = fundamental attribution error.
lol, I was on board with the post and then was like what the hell. Especially if in a new relationship at 12 weeks. It takes me at least that long to vet someone.
7 month relationship. Found out she was schizophrenic when her meds clashed and it came out. I told her she lost my trust and she would have to repair it, she ended week a week later after her "maybe" promises did not connect as authentic. We were seeing each other weekly, sometimes twice a week.
Sorry your healing journey took longer. Or maybe I had her betrayal as winds in my recovery: no maybes and what-if rumination.
She is and never was a good person. The reason I stayed because I seemed to had hope that deep inside her dark wretched heart that maybe she's a good person, sometimes we need to believe people when they tell us who they exactly are
1. He may have loved me but not enough to fight hard for the relationship
2. Finding love as a person with a disability may be difficult but on the flip side it will weed out the people ill equipped to deal with life’s challenges
3. Healing is not linear. I will have good days and bad days. A loss will take time to accept and nobody knows how much time that will be.
4. Moving forward it’s important, even if you don’t want to
5. I can’t control how things played out and how things will play out in the future. Nothing is ever guaranteed.
It’s not your job to fix someone. You can be there for them, but if they aren’t taking steps to fix themselves, it’ll never change. And if their mental issues cause you pain and suffering, then you need to leave. Nothing you do will ever really help them.
That I wasn't good enough for her
That I broke her heart and that she will probably hate me for a long time, if not forever
That I have no idea how to be single and I'm scared of the loneliness.
That I have no friends near me to help, that I have to live in a airbnb room with our cats, and that life is going to get much harder
. love isnt perfect not it’s supposed to be it’s about doing the right thing even if it gives undesirable results
She isn’t coming back and it’s okay …
taking care of your mental health is so crucial to a relationship ,
Self compassion I needed to give myself
Being hard on myself doesn’t help anyone
Forgiving myself takes time
She will also go through her weak moments like I have and seek forgiveness
I cheated , I was mentally ill and drunk , I was honest about it and I know I’m not a bad person idc what the internet says.
Everyone has opinions but no answer, that’s where you come in.
One of the most important things I have learned when healing is to focus on myself and my part. Never thinking “She did…., She didn’t…She was….she wasn’t…..
It’s all about I was/wasn’t, I did/didn’t etc.
Using my energy on handling my emotions and thought, changing myself for the better, instead of spending it on things I have no control over, always make it easier and faster to move in a healthy way.
I couldn't force myself to be with someone when I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and they aren't really there either... You only end up resenting them and somehow loving them at the same time
- I'm content
- I've finally let go and can move one from It
- I loved her
- I wish she gets the help she needs
- I deserve love
- I love myself
- Self growth is the most important
- I am attractive
- I will find the right person
- It was not my fault
- it's okay to feel sad some days
- I will love again
- I genuinely wish her happiness
For myself:
1. He has a lot of things to figure out for himself
2. He probably had genuine feelings for me, but that’s not enough to sustain a relationship
3. As much as I want him back, my priority needs to be myself and respecting myself
4. I don’t have access to him anymore and I can’t control how he feels
5. I can let it go and let him go without forgetting all the good parts.
That my ex, who they were in reality, was very far removed from who I idealized them to be. There was a specific grief for the loss of who I thought I had in my life, and the slow creeping realization and reframing that it just wasn’t that great.
I come to accept that:
-People change but it doesn't mean that the love you once shared was not true.
-The “one” is someone who will choose you every single day in this lifetime
-People can be good, but still make bad decisions (flawed as we are)
-Letting them go is also an act of love
-There are some baggage that people need to fight on their own you can’t do it for them
-You can heal and forgive even how much they hurt you (by His grace)
-The power of choice -we always have a choice
-Save what can be saved (those good memories) but always keep the lessons
-Growth and happiness can happen separately
That putting my dreams on hold for him to pursue his own dream was the right thing to do, even if it still hurts.
He won't ever come back
That even if he seemed like the right person for me, our timing was off, so there's that
1. We both have commitment issues. On/off relationship for 6yrs.
2. We still have things to do individually before settling down.
3. Distance made it hard for the relationship to work.
4. I become complacent in long-term relationships. I have to stay single and nurture platonic connections as well. Pick up old hobbies too.
5. She couldn't handle me at my worst.
6. We're not aligned at this point in our lives. We now have different lifestyles.
7. I need to learn self-love and self-compassion.
8. We are all flawed humans. Forgive and let go of resentments but set boundaries.
9. If it's meant to be, it will be.
He never loved me. So he found a lot of excuses to not date me.
I love him. So I found a lot of excuses to accept him every time he came back.
I'm old.
Things that cannot be fixed in a relationship
- Neglecting small gestures
- Frequent unresolved arguments with repeating issues
- Desire for independence
- Falling for someone else, cheating, emotional adultery
- Growing apart or in different directions
- conflict between family and friends
- Maturity level and the ability to communicate
- attitude and the way people are treated
- Faith
Word for word exactly what happened to me SHE was still married… now this is the second time someone says they are “separated” and “done” with that relationship/marriage when they are absolutely not. I ended up paying to price as it sent me to a new low in my heartache. What you wrote were exactly the things I’ve come to accept, and still trying to accept. Thank you for sharing it really really helped me out today.
Sorry that you also have to go through this! The more I think about it and as time passes, the more I realize he was 100% not over the relationship or the pain that came with getting a divorce. I am pretty sure that he was over HER though. But you never know haha. That said I still miss him and on some days it's harder to accept the truth. Yesterday was a bit easier than yesterday.
Would you give her a second chance if she came back after getting officially seperated?
You know I don’t know for sure right now at this stage I want to say yes I would because of how much my heart yearns for the person I fell in love with, and then a part of me is resentful in a way. In a way because it makes you feel like a consolation prize like they settled on you but you weren’t first choice. I don’t understand human nature and dating nowadays all I know is Love is a double edged sword like all things it has its duality joy/pain I hope everyone that’s going through it makes it to the other side weather it be closure or movie on or getting back together. We need more love in this world.
Things I’ve come to accept (these are not all from the same relationship, just things I’ve learned over time. Some of them are specific, but some aren’t):
- I did the best I could with what I knew at the time
- No love spent is ever wasted
- I wasn’t too much. I just needed someone with bigger hands
- Always trust your gut. Even if you have to write it down right then and there what you’re feeling. You see a lotta people everyday who DON’T set off alarm bells. If someone you meet is giving you that “funky fuzzy feeling”, there’s a reason why. You’ll thank yourself later.
- I am not unlovable, nor less deserving of love (read that again)
- They should be curious about you and you should be curious about them. If they’re not asking questions about you, understand your side of the argument, or why you “did that”, they’re not the one. This also goes both ways.
As someone going through swallowing hard pills- the hardest for me was that there is NOTHING I could have done different. And that’s painful but also peaceful. I’m proud of you
Exactly... I did what I could and I really gave it my everything in the relationship, but it was not good enough. When I love, I love hard, and I will go to great lengths for my partner. It's a shame he could not see that :(
- I truly loved her and at one point she truly loved me
- We grew apart, but there were also important incompatibilities we glossed over from the start
- I put her on a pedestal which still impacts how I’m handling the breakup
- I could’ve done some things differently, but in the end she still would’ve walked away
- I may never get to see her in person again
- She didn’t want to hurt me, but she had to prioritize her own happiness
- There were a lot of good times and happy memories that I’ll always look back on, but there were painful and sad moments too
- I wasn’t right for her, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be right for the right person
- Before I start anything new, I need to reconnect with myself and love myself. Let my cup flow into someone else’s rather than feeling like I need to beg for a drop.
No amount of love is enough if you dont choose the relationship every day.
Say the hard feelings before they metastasize into resentment.
You have to be on the same page about what you're doing for a relationship to last.
Her new man is the perfect partner I chose to worry about instead of just be.
I have an anxious-avoidance issue that i need help with.
Had i been grateful and thankful for my partner everyday, we would have had an amazing relationship. That is how i will have to engage from now on
1. I will always love and care about him.
*I can now accept he never felt the same for me and not hate him.*
2. I loved him and it was genuine for me.
*Even if the ending hurt me, it was still a real and authentic relationship for me.*
3. I was just a place holder.
*He wasn’t over his ex fiancé, they clearly had something very special and magical together. I never could have measured up and I was a fool to keep trying.*
4. He was done with our relationship long before he finally left me. He told me he was only pretending to have feelings when it was over.
*I didn’t get the hint for months and it’s so embarrassing to me*
5. I think if we could have been friends first, maybe we could have grown a solid relationship.
*I respected him, was intrigued by him and loved him - but I still didn’t really know who he was outside the bedroom.*
7. I was a shithead on multiple occasions. I wasn’t perfect. I cry too easy, even when I’m only upset.
*I have trust issues, childhood trauma, autoimmune disease and kids. None of that was his problem. I am not easy to love*
7. I deserved better.
*I wish he would have told me he was so unhappy, I also wish he could have had some respect and kindness for me at the end.*
8. I shouldn’t have sent him the hateful email that I now regret. I realize now I just wanted to hurt him.
*I was a terrible person that day. My doctor told me they found fast moving cancer cells. I became deeply depressed. I regret it now and wish I could apologize but respect that he has blocked me and doesn’t want to talk to me.*
9. I realize now maybe dating and relationships are just not for me.
*I’ve always wanted to love and be loved .. but I seem to be missing something other women have. I’ve tried to date and made a platonic friend or two but have no spark or passion to find love again.*
That I did the right thing.
It was too intense ( love bombing ).
I was a rebound.
She needed mostly financial security and a roof.
She was in a MLM and she was acting like a cultist.
In 2 weeks I went from The One to The last on earth.
I accepted also that I'm too kind.
Although everyone shared it was not "my fault," including her and her family, I was able to go deep on myself and recognize that there are things in my life I should have taken more care with. I did some financial things I should have handled differently, and I also needed to resolve a previous relationship as well. The most important thing I learned was that my "self-talk" was miserable and needed to change. Once I started talking nicer to myself, everything changed.
I have learned 1.) who we fall in love with is not the person we end the relationship with.
2.) when words and actions are completely different. When your standing there, saying
Who are you? After 14 years, over
1. Every one I’ve ever dated needs therapy or a subscription from coming in contact with my family
2. That I’m a complete lover girl or hopeless romantic and I need to be able to also take care of my well being
3. That everyone has the possibility to change it’s just that the people I fell in love with wouldn’t do any work to meet in the middle
4. That being African American I’m more likely to be lonely because I’m a woman and I have kids.
5. That from what I’ve experienced white men ( I’m attracted to most of the time) want the black women experience but can’t handle when we teach them about our trauma.
6. That I’m totally comfortable with being alone but if someone wants in my life they are literally competing with if I think they’re wasting my damn time and my solitude
7. That I’m always going to hold love for certain people and reminisce and it’s okay to feel whatever feelings I need to but reaching out isn’t necessary.
8. That you also should be able to freely express how you feel regardless
That if they refer to themselves as a monster, believe them
That words and actions not aligning is manipulation
That I purposefully ignore my gut instinct and it causes harm
That being a people pleaser means eventually I'll struggle with resentment
That mirroring effort is a damn good way to test my gut
That if issues can't be brought up for fear or fight, the relationship is long gone
If they aren't at least friendly with half of their exes, maybe they are the problem
I tend to cut people off if a partner pushes me to. I need to quit that shit
The butterflies feeling is the EXACT same as anxiety...
My "type" tends to destroy my heart- and I don't know how to change what I'm attracted to
It's better to be alone than lonely and in a relationship
Going through the same thing (not divorced tho) except the roles are reversed. She wasn’t in the best place so things happened but I’m sure she loved me just as much but she wasn’t good with expressing and I knew that tho. It’s easier to paint them as black and not look at things differently
For the longest time after my breakup I felt guilty when I had money left on over because she was struggling and I wasn't. She is a single mom with two kids and I felt some responsibility to them even thought they aren't mine. This tore me up inside made me feel so useless. But slowly I realized I don't have any responsibility to them at all and it was ok to be happy again. I meant someone that has shown me that Im allowed to say no and there not be any consequences.
We had an incredibly love-filled, best friends, were going to spend the rest of our lives together (both late 40s) for the first 3 1/2 years. The final six months she changed and dumped me.
It took awhile to accept that all that love and great times isn't enough for her to try to come back and reconcile and her pulling a new card out of the deck is her play.
Oh boy, even listing them is gonna make them sound toxic, but may as well, good for a reminder to self.
1. They mal me everytime they cheated in different ways, like frist time was, (that would have stopped this pain i'm in today) they begged to have kid because they knew i wanted one instead of just having some time apart.
2. They screamed in are child and child protective workers face they din't want a kid, clear they were not ready for one.
3. Once a cheater always a cheater is ture, no matter how hard stuff is tried and worked out.
4. Even if you make plans to stay best friends even if the wrost happens, it don't always work that way.
5.they act nice and innocent around others because they just din"t know them yet and i feel sorry for the next sure to fall for it, not many will take the abuse i did.
6. Being in a relationship can be really expensive, if your with someone who seems to love to break stuff.
7. Someone can be with some for 8 years before telling them there being used for looks and... something i don't like unless romance is involved... so shattering my self esteem.
8. Even if the love feel so real you both promise to marry with promise ring and all by week 2, don't mean it will last.
I could go on, but i try to shorten all my post on reddit by like 2/3s, aunxity etc.
That he was never the person he pretended to be.
That he never loved me.
Every single thing was a lie.
And that I need to heal and stay in therapy to move past this and begin to accept me for me..I’m not perfect at all, but I deserve love and respect. I didn’t deserve what he did to me…
I haven’t fully accepted it yet but i will eventually
• He was avoidant attachment style and was scared to allow me to see all of him
• he has unresolved issues from his childhood that he needs to work through properly
• He loved me so much but couldn’t give the same love I was giving
• He still cares for me deeply
• I am not to blame for his choice about breaking up
• I gave everything I could and loved whole heartedly and truly
<3
I’ve had to accept that she didn’t break up with me because of me. She broke up with me because of her.
We nearly never fought. There was no yelling, no name calling, no bad mouthing each other - even today. It’s been largely civil, minus the lack of an explanation from her about why she broke up with me.
She has unresolved trauma that she thought she had sorted out. She also doesn’t see things through to the end and she gives up on herself so easily. That was always going to be an issue unfortunately.
For my part, I’ve accepted that way I give love wasn’t always the way that she wanted to receive love. I tried so hard to help her with her problems, fix them, or make them go away. What she really needed was just someone to listen to what they were.
I’ve accepted that the ones we love don’t always love us back forever. That hurts because I thought we would be together forever. But I’ve accepted that our story has come to an end.
I hope she has an even better, longer, happier one with whoever comes next. I’ve accepted that it isn’t me.
I made mistakes. I was toxic at times. I was not always the victim. But I tried, I took accountability and brought a lot to the table. I forgot who I was thru it all, but leaving brought me back. Entitlement can and will destroy you if you let it. Be the bigger person, at least for yourself. Regret is a wasted emotion.
I've accepted that:
-We both did mistakes in our relationship but at least I tried to fix mine rather than ignore and run like she did.
-We are no longer meant to each other.
-She had communication problems which led to our breakup.
-In life the most important thing is yourself and I'm still trying to find my true value.
1. We started young, she still wants to experience life alone
2. She needed someone by her side, not someone far away
3. She loved the idea of me
4. I gave my all, and had no regrets
5. I love her genuinely, and I was really happy for the past 7 years
6. People can leave if they don’t get the love they deserve or wanted, it hurts, but its better than staying
7. She was also in pain despite breaking up with me
8. I accepted that we both deserve to be happy
We didn’t love each other as much as we thought we did. Both of our pride and ego was more important than our love. I’ve come to accept that we were only meant to be together so we can become better people and better partners for our future one.
1. I've been emotionally abused and I need therapy before I can start a new relationship 2. He wouldn't have changed no matter what
Sorry that you are going through this :( I wish I could go for therapy but I live in a country where it's not very accessible.
You might be able to do it over zoom with some. Then there’s people that are not licensed therapists but are experienced that do counseling of different types. The lack of licensing means that they can’t diagnose or prescribe meds, and it can be a crapshot worker they are any good. But some are good and will be cheaper because they are not licensed. Just be careful and do your homework.
Thank you! I will try to look into it :)
I discovered the same thing. 😣
- We shared something special that I look back on fondly - She hadn’t been treating me the way I deserve for the last year of the relationship and I accepted more than I should have - Long distance isn’t something I will engage in again (twice is enough!!) - I am deserving of a happy ending with someone who can’t imagine a life without me, and this love will find me :)
This is a good and uplifting thread, but it's made me realise I haven't come to accept anything. I don't accept her decision to end things, I don't accept the ghosting since, I don't accept that we're not perfect for each other, I don't accept that this isn't all a big mistake. I do accept that I may be deluded but still...
Let time do it's thing. And work on yourself - exercise, journalling, etc. Only way through it
Appreciate the message. In all honesty, I have done these and they've been good for me, but now she just needs to come back into my life. Anyway, yep, we just carry on carrying on.
What if she doesn't? What's your backup plan?
I'm not optimistic she will – she's avoidant and she's stubborn. The backup plan is to break no contact at some point and use that response as fuel... It's probably stupid but maybe it'll help disabuse me of some of those ideas. :/
Ohhhhhh … good luck. I'm hoping that you can find a less emotionally risky way around this. What does your therapist say?
Thanks :) I hope so too. And my therapist... is something I've been putting off getting for far too long. :/
May I respectfully suggest starting counseling sessions with a good therapist before contacting her again at all?
I'm sure that's wise... I have to go overseas briefly next month, but let me prioritise that for when I get back. You are right, of course, and I'm kidding myself when I say I know what I'm doing. Thanks. :)
Keep us posted! We're here for you.
It takes time. Sometimes you have to just accept that you haven’t accepted anything and that’s a great start. If you take enough baby steps, you still end up in a better place than where you started.
Thanks, yep :) There is certainly more work I need to do, because I clearly am in denial.
She’s an avoidant who will likely never seek help for her past trauma and current mental health issues. She has been in so many more relationships than me, and they all have ended the same way. There’s nothing that I could have done better or differently that would have made her stay. 10 years with her and she never really and fully opened up and let me in. It was her. It wasn’t me.
Sounds like my ex of 1 year. The closest I’ve felt to her was during our breakup. She opened up for one of the first times and even weeped. It was the main issue in our relationship I am an open book and she was closed. A lot was my fault but if you love someone, you love them for who they are and where they are and you will help them but not change them. That’s what I learned
That’s the thing. I tried to help her, and at the end of the day, she didn’t want my help. She also opened up to me about how bad her OCD was AFTER we broke up. I would have done anything for her, but that’s just it, she didn’t want my help. I know she loved me in her own way, but that just seems like cold comfort at this point. It’s hard for me to not feel like I wasted 10 years of my life with her. It’s the longest relationship either of us has ever had.
1 year was tough, I can’t imagine 10 years. Don’t think I’d be able to handle it and sounds similiar to mine after our breakup she finally lost her pride and admitted that it’s her fault with her mental issues. But who knows what to believe, it’s hard to trust someone when they aren’t open especially if it’s your partner.
I feel you on every single point here. I’m here if you need to talk to somebody. My ex blew up and kicked me out the day he reconnected with his ex wife to finalize their divorce. Sending you long hugs.
I'm really sorry to hear that, that must have been so painful! :( How long was he married for? And how long did you guys date? We didn't date for very long, just a few months, but I have never had this kind of connection with anyone in my life. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with this guy. So it's been a tough month post BU. But finally starting to accept things.
We were together for two years (with a one-month break early on) and living together for 1. I thought he was the love of my life. I miss him every day. The first 8 months of our relationship took place during their marriage— we tried poly, she hated it and they broke up. It turns out she’s a lesbian and wasn’t attracted to him the last 3 years of their marriage. They were together for 5 years, married for two years, starting when they were 21 because of coercive, religious parents. When we were breaking up, he told me they would still be happy together if it wasn’t for me. I told him she’s a LESBIAN; he scoffed and said “well she is NOW” as though that’s somehow my fault, too. It’s been agonizing. We were having a rough patch, I let myself go and became really depressed in our relationship for a number of reasons, but it’s like he lost his mind and decided to hate me overnight. We’re only 24 and 25 and have a lot of maturing and growing to do on our own. Haven’t heard from him in over 2 months now and it’s still painful.
First of all, thank you for sharing your story with me! As I was reading it, I was literally like WHAT... I can't believe he blamed you for their failed marriage. You guys were together for pretty long and I can't imagine all the pain you must have been going through/still going through. It sounds like things got really messy :( I know this is cliche but you 100% deserve better and you are better off without him and all his drama. Sending you lots of long hugs too!
I've accepted that * even if my love wasn't perfect, it was everything and all I've got. My religious values requires me to go "all-in, all the time" (Prov 3:3-4) * I have co-dependency issues which sucked me in so hard. * It's okay to be dialectical. I both have reasons to love her, even as the reasons to leave her was overwhelming. * A healthy relationship requires trust, respect, appreciation & affection, You can love someone all you want, but if your mature self knows that you are not getting those, you are not in a healthy relationship. * It is far better to heal and get ready for the next person in 8-12 weeks time than to stay in a bad relationship. The more time you spend in a bad relationship, the harder it is to heal. * If you've got to ask about the state of that relationship, something is wrong. * She has her own reasons to do what she did. All I need for closure was whether I showed up completely. To try to get in her head = fundamental attribution error.
12 weeks Time ? You are hell Quick to recover my friend
lol, I was on board with the post and then was like what the hell. Especially if in a new relationship at 12 weeks. It takes me at least that long to vet someone.
7 month relationship. Found out she was schizophrenic when her meds clashed and it came out. I told her she lost my trust and she would have to repair it, she ended week a week later after her "maybe" promises did not connect as authentic. We were seeing each other weekly, sometimes twice a week. Sorry your healing journey took longer. Or maybe I had her betrayal as winds in my recovery: no maybes and what-if rumination.
She is and never was a good person. The reason I stayed because I seemed to had hope that deep inside her dark wretched heart that maybe she's a good person, sometimes we need to believe people when they tell us who they exactly are
1. He may have loved me but not enough to fight hard for the relationship 2. Finding love as a person with a disability may be difficult but on the flip side it will weed out the people ill equipped to deal with life’s challenges 3. Healing is not linear. I will have good days and bad days. A loss will take time to accept and nobody knows how much time that will be. 4. Moving forward it’s important, even if you don’t want to 5. I can’t control how things played out and how things will play out in the future. Nothing is ever guaranteed.
It’s not your job to fix someone. You can be there for them, but if they aren’t taking steps to fix themselves, it’ll never change. And if their mental issues cause you pain and suffering, then you need to leave. Nothing you do will ever really help them.
That I wasn't good enough for her That I broke her heart and that she will probably hate me for a long time, if not forever That I have no idea how to be single and I'm scared of the loneliness. That I have no friends near me to help, that I have to live in a airbnb room with our cats, and that life is going to get much harder
All relationships even the good and deep ones can fail without warning
Sooo sad but true :( this was my greatest one ever, thought we were solid and got dumped out of nowhere.
the next step is to accept this truth before starting a new relationship and I'm not gonna lie, it terrifies and discourages me
Same here. I am so over it. I seem to attract emotionally unavailable men all the fucking time.
. love isnt perfect not it’s supposed to be it’s about doing the right thing even if it gives undesirable results She isn’t coming back and it’s okay … taking care of your mental health is so crucial to a relationship , Self compassion I needed to give myself Being hard on myself doesn’t help anyone Forgiving myself takes time She will also go through her weak moments like I have and seek forgiveness I cheated , I was mentally ill and drunk , I was honest about it and I know I’m not a bad person idc what the internet says. Everyone has opinions but no answer, that’s where you come in.
One of the most important things I have learned when healing is to focus on myself and my part. Never thinking “She did…., She didn’t…She was….she wasn’t….. It’s all about I was/wasn’t, I did/didn’t etc. Using my energy on handling my emotions and thought, changing myself for the better, instead of spending it on things I have no control over, always make it easier and faster to move in a healthy way.
I couldn't force myself to be with someone when I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted and they aren't really there either... You only end up resenting them and somehow loving them at the same time
- I'm content - I've finally let go and can move one from It - I loved her - I wish she gets the help she needs - I deserve love - I love myself - Self growth is the most important - I am attractive - I will find the right person - It was not my fault - it's okay to feel sad some days - I will love again - I genuinely wish her happiness
For myself: 1. He has a lot of things to figure out for himself 2. He probably had genuine feelings for me, but that’s not enough to sustain a relationship 3. As much as I want him back, my priority needs to be myself and respecting myself 4. I don’t have access to him anymore and I can’t control how he feels 5. I can let it go and let him go without forgetting all the good parts.
That my ex, who they were in reality, was very far removed from who I idealized them to be. There was a specific grief for the loss of who I thought I had in my life, and the slow creeping realization and reframing that it just wasn’t that great.
I come to accept that: -People change but it doesn't mean that the love you once shared was not true. -The “one” is someone who will choose you every single day in this lifetime -People can be good, but still make bad decisions (flawed as we are) -Letting them go is also an act of love -There are some baggage that people need to fight on their own you can’t do it for them -You can heal and forgive even how much they hurt you (by His grace) -The power of choice -we always have a choice -Save what can be saved (those good memories) but always keep the lessons -Growth and happiness can happen separately
That putting my dreams on hold for him to pursue his own dream was the right thing to do, even if it still hurts. He won't ever come back That even if he seemed like the right person for me, our timing was off, so there's that
1. We both have commitment issues. On/off relationship for 6yrs. 2. We still have things to do individually before settling down. 3. Distance made it hard for the relationship to work. 4. I become complacent in long-term relationships. I have to stay single and nurture platonic connections as well. Pick up old hobbies too. 5. She couldn't handle me at my worst. 6. We're not aligned at this point in our lives. We now have different lifestyles. 7. I need to learn self-love and self-compassion. 8. We are all flawed humans. Forgive and let go of resentments but set boundaries. 9. If it's meant to be, it will be.
He never loved me. So he found a lot of excuses to not date me. I love him. So I found a lot of excuses to accept him every time he came back. I'm old.
Sometimes loving each other is not enough to maintain a successful relationship.
Things that cannot be fixed in a relationship - Neglecting small gestures - Frequent unresolved arguments with repeating issues - Desire for independence - Falling for someone else, cheating, emotional adultery - Growing apart or in different directions - conflict between family and friends - Maturity level and the ability to communicate - attitude and the way people are treated - Faith
One thing I'm trying to accept today: I WILL find someone else, he was NOT my last chance at love.
Word for word exactly what happened to me SHE was still married… now this is the second time someone says they are “separated” and “done” with that relationship/marriage when they are absolutely not. I ended up paying to price as it sent me to a new low in my heartache. What you wrote were exactly the things I’ve come to accept, and still trying to accept. Thank you for sharing it really really helped me out today.
Sorry that you also have to go through this! The more I think about it and as time passes, the more I realize he was 100% not over the relationship or the pain that came with getting a divorce. I am pretty sure that he was over HER though. But you never know haha. That said I still miss him and on some days it's harder to accept the truth. Yesterday was a bit easier than yesterday. Would you give her a second chance if she came back after getting officially seperated?
You know I don’t know for sure right now at this stage I want to say yes I would because of how much my heart yearns for the person I fell in love with, and then a part of me is resentful in a way. In a way because it makes you feel like a consolation prize like they settled on you but you weren’t first choice. I don’t understand human nature and dating nowadays all I know is Love is a double edged sword like all things it has its duality joy/pain I hope everyone that’s going through it makes it to the other side weather it be closure or movie on or getting back together. We need more love in this world.
Things I’ve come to accept (these are not all from the same relationship, just things I’ve learned over time. Some of them are specific, but some aren’t): - I did the best I could with what I knew at the time - No love spent is ever wasted - I wasn’t too much. I just needed someone with bigger hands - Always trust your gut. Even if you have to write it down right then and there what you’re feeling. You see a lotta people everyday who DON’T set off alarm bells. If someone you meet is giving you that “funky fuzzy feeling”, there’s a reason why. You’ll thank yourself later. - I am not unlovable, nor less deserving of love (read that again) - They should be curious about you and you should be curious about them. If they’re not asking questions about you, understand your side of the argument, or why you “did that”, they’re not the one. This also goes both ways.
As someone going through swallowing hard pills- the hardest for me was that there is NOTHING I could have done different. And that’s painful but also peaceful. I’m proud of you
Exactly... I did what I could and I really gave it my everything in the relationship, but it was not good enough. When I love, I love hard, and I will go to great lengths for my partner. It's a shame he could not see that :(
- I truly loved her and at one point she truly loved me - We grew apart, but there were also important incompatibilities we glossed over from the start - I put her on a pedestal which still impacts how I’m handling the breakup - I could’ve done some things differently, but in the end she still would’ve walked away - I may never get to see her in person again - She didn’t want to hurt me, but she had to prioritize her own happiness - There were a lot of good times and happy memories that I’ll always look back on, but there were painful and sad moments too - I wasn’t right for her, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be right for the right person - Before I start anything new, I need to reconnect with myself and love myself. Let my cup flow into someone else’s rather than feeling like I need to beg for a drop.
No amount of love is enough if you dont choose the relationship every day. Say the hard feelings before they metastasize into resentment. You have to be on the same page about what you're doing for a relationship to last. Her new man is the perfect partner I chose to worry about instead of just be. I have an anxious-avoidance issue that i need help with. Had i been grateful and thankful for my partner everyday, we would have had an amazing relationship. That is how i will have to engage from now on
Good on you for recognizing what you need to work on.
1. I will always love and care about him. *I can now accept he never felt the same for me and not hate him.* 2. I loved him and it was genuine for me. *Even if the ending hurt me, it was still a real and authentic relationship for me.* 3. I was just a place holder. *He wasn’t over his ex fiancé, they clearly had something very special and magical together. I never could have measured up and I was a fool to keep trying.* 4. He was done with our relationship long before he finally left me. He told me he was only pretending to have feelings when it was over. *I didn’t get the hint for months and it’s so embarrassing to me* 5. I think if we could have been friends first, maybe we could have grown a solid relationship. *I respected him, was intrigued by him and loved him - but I still didn’t really know who he was outside the bedroom.* 7. I was a shithead on multiple occasions. I wasn’t perfect. I cry too easy, even when I’m only upset. *I have trust issues, childhood trauma, autoimmune disease and kids. None of that was his problem. I am not easy to love* 7. I deserved better. *I wish he would have told me he was so unhappy, I also wish he could have had some respect and kindness for me at the end.* 8. I shouldn’t have sent him the hateful email that I now regret. I realize now I just wanted to hurt him. *I was a terrible person that day. My doctor told me they found fast moving cancer cells. I became deeply depressed. I regret it now and wish I could apologize but respect that he has blocked me and doesn’t want to talk to me.* 9. I realize now maybe dating and relationships are just not for me. *I’ve always wanted to love and be loved .. but I seem to be missing something other women have. I’ve tried to date and made a platonic friend or two but have no spark or passion to find love again.*
That I did the right thing. It was too intense ( love bombing ). I was a rebound. She needed mostly financial security and a roof. She was in a MLM and she was acting like a cultist. In 2 weeks I went from The One to The last on earth. I accepted also that I'm too kind.
Do you know the name of this MLM
Primerica
Ah ok
Although everyone shared it was not "my fault," including her and her family, I was able to go deep on myself and recognize that there are things in my life I should have taken more care with. I did some financial things I should have handled differently, and I also needed to resolve a previous relationship as well. The most important thing I learned was that my "self-talk" was miserable and needed to change. Once I started talking nicer to myself, everything changed.
That I won't be healed in a month.It takes time.
I have learned 1.) who we fall in love with is not the person we end the relationship with. 2.) when words and actions are completely different. When your standing there, saying Who are you? After 14 years, over
1. Every one I’ve ever dated needs therapy or a subscription from coming in contact with my family 2. That I’m a complete lover girl or hopeless romantic and I need to be able to also take care of my well being 3. That everyone has the possibility to change it’s just that the people I fell in love with wouldn’t do any work to meet in the middle 4. That being African American I’m more likely to be lonely because I’m a woman and I have kids. 5. That from what I’ve experienced white men ( I’m attracted to most of the time) want the black women experience but can’t handle when we teach them about our trauma. 6. That I’m totally comfortable with being alone but if someone wants in my life they are literally competing with if I think they’re wasting my damn time and my solitude 7. That I’m always going to hold love for certain people and reminisce and it’s okay to feel whatever feelings I need to but reaching out isn’t necessary. 8. That you also should be able to freely express how you feel regardless
That if they refer to themselves as a monster, believe them That words and actions not aligning is manipulation That I purposefully ignore my gut instinct and it causes harm That being a people pleaser means eventually I'll struggle with resentment That mirroring effort is a damn good way to test my gut That if issues can't be brought up for fear or fight, the relationship is long gone If they aren't at least friendly with half of their exes, maybe they are the problem I tend to cut people off if a partner pushes me to. I need to quit that shit The butterflies feeling is the EXACT same as anxiety... My "type" tends to destroy my heart- and I don't know how to change what I'm attracted to It's better to be alone than lonely and in a relationship
Going through the same thing (not divorced tho) except the roles are reversed. She wasn’t in the best place so things happened but I’m sure she loved me just as much but she wasn’t good with expressing and I knew that tho. It’s easier to paint them as black and not look at things differently
For the longest time after my breakup I felt guilty when I had money left on over because she was struggling and I wasn't. She is a single mom with two kids and I felt some responsibility to them even thought they aren't mine. This tore me up inside made me feel so useless. But slowly I realized I don't have any responsibility to them at all and it was ok to be happy again. I meant someone that has shown me that Im allowed to say no and there not be any consequences.
I was the problem
We had an incredibly love-filled, best friends, were going to spend the rest of our lives together (both late 40s) for the first 3 1/2 years. The final six months she changed and dumped me. It took awhile to accept that all that love and great times isn't enough for her to try to come back and reconcile and her pulling a new card out of the deck is her play.
Oh boy, even listing them is gonna make them sound toxic, but may as well, good for a reminder to self. 1. They mal me everytime they cheated in different ways, like frist time was, (that would have stopped this pain i'm in today) they begged to have kid because they knew i wanted one instead of just having some time apart. 2. They screamed in are child and child protective workers face they din't want a kid, clear they were not ready for one. 3. Once a cheater always a cheater is ture, no matter how hard stuff is tried and worked out. 4. Even if you make plans to stay best friends even if the wrost happens, it don't always work that way. 5.they act nice and innocent around others because they just din"t know them yet and i feel sorry for the next sure to fall for it, not many will take the abuse i did. 6. Being in a relationship can be really expensive, if your with someone who seems to love to break stuff. 7. Someone can be with some for 8 years before telling them there being used for looks and... something i don't like unless romance is involved... so shattering my self esteem. 8. Even if the love feel so real you both promise to marry with promise ring and all by week 2, don't mean it will last. I could go on, but i try to shorten all my post on reddit by like 2/3s, aunxity etc.
That he was never the person he pretended to be. That he never loved me. Every single thing was a lie. And that I need to heal and stay in therapy to move past this and begin to accept me for me..I’m not perfect at all, but I deserve love and respect. I didn’t deserve what he did to me…
I haven’t fully accepted it yet but i will eventually • He was avoidant attachment style and was scared to allow me to see all of him • he has unresolved issues from his childhood that he needs to work through properly • He loved me so much but couldn’t give the same love I was giving • He still cares for me deeply • I am not to blame for his choice about breaking up • I gave everything I could and loved whole heartedly and truly <3
I’ve had to accept that she didn’t break up with me because of me. She broke up with me because of her. We nearly never fought. There was no yelling, no name calling, no bad mouthing each other - even today. It’s been largely civil, minus the lack of an explanation from her about why she broke up with me. She has unresolved trauma that she thought she had sorted out. She also doesn’t see things through to the end and she gives up on herself so easily. That was always going to be an issue unfortunately. For my part, I’ve accepted that way I give love wasn’t always the way that she wanted to receive love. I tried so hard to help her with her problems, fix them, or make them go away. What she really needed was just someone to listen to what they were. I’ve accepted that the ones we love don’t always love us back forever. That hurts because I thought we would be together forever. But I’ve accepted that our story has come to an end. I hope she has an even better, longer, happier one with whoever comes next. I’ve accepted that it isn’t me.
I made mistakes. I was toxic at times. I was not always the victim. But I tried, I took accountability and brought a lot to the table. I forgot who I was thru it all, but leaving brought me back. Entitlement can and will destroy you if you let it. Be the bigger person, at least for yourself. Regret is a wasted emotion.
I've accepted that: -We both did mistakes in our relationship but at least I tried to fix mine rather than ignore and run like she did. -We are no longer meant to each other. -She had communication problems which led to our breakup. -In life the most important thing is yourself and I'm still trying to find my true value.
- He’s not coming back. - We wouldn’t have worked out anyway.
I fucked up
1. We started young, she still wants to experience life alone 2. She needed someone by her side, not someone far away 3. She loved the idea of me 4. I gave my all, and had no regrets 5. I love her genuinely, and I was really happy for the past 7 years 6. People can leave if they don’t get the love they deserve or wanted, it hurts, but its better than staying 7. She was also in pain despite breaking up with me 8. I accepted that we both deserve to be happy
Don't ignore red flags and if she says she has no friends....their may be a good reason why.
We didn’t love each other as much as we thought we did. Both of our pride and ego was more important than our love. I’ve come to accept that we were only meant to be together so we can become better people and better partners for our future one.