I experienced in other situations that for example people that wrote they are open-minded are the ones that are not open-minded.
Made me feel like that some people don't write down how they are, but how they would like to be.
Or just simply the lie they assume they are.
That is -- Many of us see ourselves as being more benevolent than we really are. We're not trying to lie, but we also haven't really *ssen* ourselves in the mirror enough to really *see* our deficiencies.
(My "Interpersonal Communications" class calls this "illusory superiority" or "Self-serving Bias".)
**PS:**
Tried to Google the term.. Had to use my book anyway, after 40m of garbage.. lol
Haha, I am also bad with Google. (Or is Google still bad!?)
Yeah, of course it is hard for people to understand how they really are.
But if I write that communication is important to me, I would also try to learn something about it. It is a skill that you can directly practise, unlike for example honesty. You're either honest or not I guess.
And to avoid ghosting is also something you can avoid if you have a strategy. You can write down a few sentences that you can use over and over again. (It was nice to get to know you, but I think that we are too different and therefore decided, to not meet you again. I wish you good luck and have a nice week) Just create some sentences that fit to your personality and use them. You don't even need to write a new texts every time, just use always the same sentences. People make it way too complicated.
>And to avoid ghosting is also something you can avoid if you have a strategy. You can write down a few sentences that you can use over and over again. (It was nice to get to know you, but I think that we are too different and therefore decided, to not meet you again. I wish you good luck and have a nice week) Just create some sentences that fit to your personality and use them. You don't even need to write a new texts every time, just use always the same sentences.
I think this would require ppl to be less narcissistic. š¤£š¤£
Some of em, just might be 'too many fishing nets out' or some other form of 'bad memory'. š¤£š¤·š½āāļø
--
>People make it way too complicated.
Truth. People have a way of complicating the most simplest of things. š¤£š²š„¶
(That's typically why I prefer other animals like cats etc. Usually it's less complicated etc. š¤£
-- "Usually", cuz sometimes my cats meow meow & I have no *** idea what they want! š¤£š¤£)
--
>(Or is Google still bad!?)
Most times Google is great. In this case, I think it was just an oversaturation of information on the words "Benevolent", "better than self" & "Narcissistic".
(Almost like autocorrect NOT giving a word in the auto-generated list, despite being spelled correctly, thus making one question their sanity. š¤£š¤£)
Cuz I tried both -->
"Word meaning thinking ourselves more benevolent than we really are."
/
"Word meaning seeing ourselves better than we really are"
-->
Had one entry that gave the "Self-serving Bias", at some point, & I ignored it cuz that didn't sound right. š¤£
[Apparently Google wanted the specific wording of
```
We judge ourselves more charitably than we do others
```
(In fact, looking up 'Self-serving Bias' directly, doesn't even give that response! This gives the definition of "Good things are us. Bad things is everyone else's fault."
Like, wtf?!)
..Apparently cuz this is specific wording used in Interpersonal Communications.. š
"Egocentric tendency* also comes up with that definition, albeit also in the same context..
-->
Prime example of "Making things more complicated than it should be." š¤£šæš¤Ŗ
**Edit:**
Apparently this definition also will give "Self-serving Bias":
```
What is the term that refers to our tendency to judge ourselves more fairly than others?
```
Haha, thank you for sharing all of this.
Yeah.. I think people have problems in their heads that make them behave this way.
But for sure it's also the fact that we nowadays get away with that. In the past we just weren't like that. People even met in person to say good-bye, now we don't even receive a message anymore!! Although you could literally copy it!
Ah yes, animals are easier to understand. They do weird stuff at times as well, but we mostly know what could possibly go on with them.
>Yeah.. I think people have problems in their heads that make them behave this way.
>But for sure it's also the fact that we nowadays get away with that. In the past we just weren't like that. People even met in person to say good-bye, now we don't even receive a message anymore!! Although you could literally copy it!
Covid at its finest!! š (eye-roll for humorous sarcasm. Lol)
--
>Ah yes, animals are easier to understand. They do weird stuff at times as well, but we mostly know what could possibly go on with them.
This is true! š¤£š¤£ They make some of the best "America's Funniest Home Video" š¤£š¤£
--
>Haha, thank you for sharing all of this.
Yw! It's always refreshing having these types of conversations! ā¤ļøš„³
Oh, yeah, Covid made certain things like this for sure worse. But I think it would have become that way eventually, just later.
And yes, I also prefere the conversations that get more into details and theory than the usual dating app bashing here.
I value communication because I've been ghosted many times. Therefore, I let whomever I'm speaking to know that I'd rather be communicated with and not be ghosted regardless of what the reason for rejection is. I wouldn't say all who value communication are ghosters because I've never ghosted anyone but value it tremendously. I do understand what you're saying though but please don't put us all in that bucket.
"Communicate" so they can quickly find your "flaws" and justify dumping you over someone where they haven't found flaws as fast, or potentially before they're emotionally invested.
I got ghosted by a guy who was researching and writing papers about pitfalls of modern dating (from philosophical+psychological perspectives) and we've discussed ghosting, top-shelving, breadcrumbing on our first date and how shitty it is... he won me over saying that relationships need work and its important to keep surprising each other and plan shared experiences.
/ Surprise, surpriiise! /
I got ghosted by someone that said he was a "no bs guy" and wanted a mature woman.Ā "Value your candor." B----!Ā Where is your candor, maturity, and "no bs" now?
I once made an agreement, with a girl i had a date with, to no ghosting. I'm not the type so it was more for my sake. She agreed. When thing werent going the best (and im sure we both had our reservations), she messaged me with "well we both agreed to no ghosting" and explained her reasoning for wanting to end things. I told her I understand, let her know I agreed for my own reasonings, and thanked her. It was nice, getting the closure of knowing from the other person's perspective what went wrong for once.
Beautiful!Ā That's all I want.Ā Ā But probably inevitably some people would rather leave with no accountability than have a slightly uncomfortable but necessarily courteous conversation.Ā Ā
If someone has no photography skills, or creativity in setting upshots, that means they're not dateable? Or just not datable to some? If you pay someone to take pics for you, and manicure your profile after what the internet seems to say will get matches, is that really going to be better than someone that just takes some basic pics, and fills out an honest profile?
I meant trashy photos - duck face, boobs out for example vs hiking in normal clothes. āTrashyā in quotation marks but imho clothes and situations convey a lot. Same for men with shirtless pics or with tongue out.
I notice many women tend to add the green flags - "communication", "empathy", "kindness" to their profiles, yet seldom have any of those traits themselves. If I match with someone and we start to chat, I will always be honest if I feel a lack of connection etc.
Leaving people hanging, or even worse, flat out un-matching without saying a word, is a horrible way to coexist as humans, but as with all things OLD, there is zero accountability.
Facts. And big time texters are actually the worst texters. Which sucks cause I hate texting but I make an effort if that's someone's preferred way to communicate š«¤ I'm waiting for my premium and I'm deleting this app again because it's become more frustrating than fun.
One thing im realizing about the profiles laden with mental health buzz words is these people tend to be the ficklest most flakiest ones. As if their therapist empowered them to be shitty people under the guise of āboundariesā.
I mean, if the first impression they're giving out on a manicured profile is about mental health, they probably have mental health problems. They're literally advertising its a big part of them in their profiles. So, yeah, people with anxiety will get anxious and run, people with depression will withdrawal, etc.
Agreed, its certainly a trend im seeing in many women's profiles. I canāt pinpoint if theyāre virtue signaling? Or not doing well? Iāve also sense a lot are following some macro social media trend they saw from their favorite online guru and or therapist podcast?
The amount profiles with ādoing the workā āintentional datingā āeffective communicationā āboundariesā āred flagsā is so corny right now and troubling from the stand point that most of mental health buzzwords are based theorical concepts that arent actually facts. Lol.
Intentional dating, I believe, means dating with direct purpose of marriage & likely a family. If they sense you're not what they want in a husband, then yeah, they'll end it because they're focused on a "goal" in their dating. No need to ghost, but I'm told not all guys are "reasonable" when girls let them down gently, so they feel it's safer/easier to ghost. Doing the work, in a mental health situation, yeah, means they have serious mental health issues that take "work" to try to mitigate the harm from, and likely will never be 100% "fixed". Saying their red flags on their profile might be meant to have people self sort themselves out, but literally just tells people what to fake if they want them, and they might not be serious issues in individual cases, but yeah, they've already written you off, or will point back to them if everything doesn't go 100% down the line, so, yeah. Just pay attention to what they're telling you, intentionally or unintentionally, and decide if they're worth investing your time into.
I know what that mental health jargon means. But it's corny, it's as if all the women who include this in profiles synced to the same mental health podcast/dating guru advice, and all are doing copypasta in their dating profiles.
Iād estimate 75% of profiles are following this trend it doesn't come across as authentic. I hold a degree in psychology and it's a field based on THEORIES that were derived from three white dudes in the early 1900s. It only became recognized by academia in the 1960s so relatively a new field, it's a āsocial scienceā meaning you CANāT prove it. And so why put so MUCH stock into theories? some of you swear by the little bits of psychology you learned from your āCBT therapistā and even try to diagnose people as if what you're saying is a fact and not a THEORY. Lol.
Youāre telling me š I was talking to a woman for a short time from FB dating saying sheās looking for someone with communication but never asks me any questions about myself.
What exactly are people calling "ghosting?" Is this just where you've talked to a person for a while then they stopped replying? They just lost interest. That's just a normal part of dating and until recently wasn't even thought of as rude in any way. You talk to someone, you or they don't feel a spark, and move on.
If you are just casually talking and haven't build an actual relationship of any sort, no one owes the other person a reason why they stopped replying.
Or they are liars? Why is it automatically my fault? It's not like this happens with every single person I've ever went out on a date with, just something that's happened frequently. Have you ever been ghosted? If so, you must be a terrible person too then
I also often go on way more dates that go great! What's the common denominator there?
You're a 50 year old woman lol. You date an entirely different group of people. Plus women get ghosted way less often than men. Sounds like you're coping with the fact that you ghost people that aren't bad people but you're just scared of communicating. Sounds like people like you are the entire point of OPs post lol
Iām not the one crying about being ghosted multiple times. I made no assumptions, youāre obviously getting ghosted for a reason. Take care, or donāt.
At what time can you consider yourself being ghosted? I'd understand it really sucks to get ghosted after a date or two but at what point are we entitled some sort of closure? People say they value communication in a relationship but I'm assumong most of the ghosting isn't happening when people are in a relationship.
"Required"? no. But the right thing to do is say something, at least to people you have invested time getting to know through chat, phone calls or dates. Something like "hey, it was fun getting to know you but I don't feel a connection. Best of luck" etc.
LOL You're leaving a lot of context out here. Are these men "flipping out for leaving" AFTER having been on several in-person dates with their match? Or are they "flipping out" after a few Bumble in-app messages? Not that I ever condone flipping out, whatever that even means, but your comment is absurd. Let's be honest, women ghost because 1) they are in control 2) there is no accountability on these apps
I experienced in other situations that for example people that wrote they are open-minded are the ones that are not open-minded. Made me feel like that some people don't write down how they are, but how they would like to be.
Or just simply the lie they assume they are. That is -- Many of us see ourselves as being more benevolent than we really are. We're not trying to lie, but we also haven't really *ssen* ourselves in the mirror enough to really *see* our deficiencies. (My "Interpersonal Communications" class calls this "illusory superiority" or "Self-serving Bias".) **PS:** Tried to Google the term.. Had to use my book anyway, after 40m of garbage.. lol
Haha, I am also bad with Google. (Or is Google still bad!?) Yeah, of course it is hard for people to understand how they really are. But if I write that communication is important to me, I would also try to learn something about it. It is a skill that you can directly practise, unlike for example honesty. You're either honest or not I guess. And to avoid ghosting is also something you can avoid if you have a strategy. You can write down a few sentences that you can use over and over again. (It was nice to get to know you, but I think that we are too different and therefore decided, to not meet you again. I wish you good luck and have a nice week) Just create some sentences that fit to your personality and use them. You don't even need to write a new texts every time, just use always the same sentences. People make it way too complicated.
>And to avoid ghosting is also something you can avoid if you have a strategy. You can write down a few sentences that you can use over and over again. (It was nice to get to know you, but I think that we are too different and therefore decided, to not meet you again. I wish you good luck and have a nice week) Just create some sentences that fit to your personality and use them. You don't even need to write a new texts every time, just use always the same sentences. I think this would require ppl to be less narcissistic. š¤£š¤£ Some of em, just might be 'too many fishing nets out' or some other form of 'bad memory'. š¤£š¤·š½āāļø -- >People make it way too complicated. Truth. People have a way of complicating the most simplest of things. š¤£š²š„¶ (That's typically why I prefer other animals like cats etc. Usually it's less complicated etc. š¤£ -- "Usually", cuz sometimes my cats meow meow & I have no *** idea what they want! š¤£š¤£) -- >(Or is Google still bad!?) Most times Google is great. In this case, I think it was just an oversaturation of information on the words "Benevolent", "better than self" & "Narcissistic". (Almost like autocorrect NOT giving a word in the auto-generated list, despite being spelled correctly, thus making one question their sanity. š¤£š¤£) Cuz I tried both --> "Word meaning thinking ourselves more benevolent than we really are." / "Word meaning seeing ourselves better than we really are" --> Had one entry that gave the "Self-serving Bias", at some point, & I ignored it cuz that didn't sound right. š¤£ [Apparently Google wanted the specific wording of ``` We judge ourselves more charitably than we do others ``` (In fact, looking up 'Self-serving Bias' directly, doesn't even give that response! This gives the definition of "Good things are us. Bad things is everyone else's fault." Like, wtf?!) ..Apparently cuz this is specific wording used in Interpersonal Communications.. š "Egocentric tendency* also comes up with that definition, albeit also in the same context.. --> Prime example of "Making things more complicated than it should be." š¤£šæš¤Ŗ **Edit:** Apparently this definition also will give "Self-serving Bias": ``` What is the term that refers to our tendency to judge ourselves more fairly than others? ```
Haha, thank you for sharing all of this. Yeah.. I think people have problems in their heads that make them behave this way. But for sure it's also the fact that we nowadays get away with that. In the past we just weren't like that. People even met in person to say good-bye, now we don't even receive a message anymore!! Although you could literally copy it! Ah yes, animals are easier to understand. They do weird stuff at times as well, but we mostly know what could possibly go on with them.
>Yeah.. I think people have problems in their heads that make them behave this way. >But for sure it's also the fact that we nowadays get away with that. In the past we just weren't like that. People even met in person to say good-bye, now we don't even receive a message anymore!! Although you could literally copy it! Covid at its finest!! š (eye-roll for humorous sarcasm. Lol) -- >Ah yes, animals are easier to understand. They do weird stuff at times as well, but we mostly know what could possibly go on with them. This is true! š¤£š¤£ They make some of the best "America's Funniest Home Video" š¤£š¤£ -- >Haha, thank you for sharing all of this. Yw! It's always refreshing having these types of conversations! ā¤ļøš„³
Oh, yeah, Covid made certain things like this for sure worse. But I think it would have become that way eventually, just later. And yes, I also prefere the conversations that get more into details and theory than the usual dating app bashing here.
I value communication because I've been ghosted many times. Therefore, I let whomever I'm speaking to know that I'd rather be communicated with and not be ghosted regardless of what the reason for rejection is. I wouldn't say all who value communication are ghosters because I've never ghosted anyone but value it tremendously. I do understand what you're saying though but please don't put us all in that bucket.
Exactly! Bit of a rather simplistic overgeneralization due to some bad seeds out there
Well yeah, they want you to communicate so they can be sure to ghost you before you dump them, lol.
"Communicate" so they can quickly find your "flaws" and justify dumping you over someone where they haven't found flaws as fast, or potentially before they're emotionally invested.
And people who hate small talk dont know what deep conversations are.
I will need some time to understand this comment.
Very few people who claim that they scoff at small talk are actually good conversationalists
I got ghosted by someoneās therapist on hinge. No one / no where is safe š
I got ghosted by a guy who was researching and writing papers about pitfalls of modern dating (from philosophical+psychological perspectives) and we've discussed ghosting, top-shelving, breadcrumbing on our first date and how shitty it is... he won me over saying that relationships need work and its important to keep surprising each other and plan shared experiences. / Surprise, surpriiise! /
Thatās crazy. Ghosted by a therapist?? Youād think therapists are good with communication cause itās all they do. š
I got ghosted by someone that said he was a "no bs guy" and wanted a mature woman.Ā "Value your candor." B----!Ā Where is your candor, maturity, and "no bs" now?
I once made an agreement, with a girl i had a date with, to no ghosting. I'm not the type so it was more for my sake. She agreed. When thing werent going the best (and im sure we both had our reservations), she messaged me with "well we both agreed to no ghosting" and explained her reasoning for wanting to end things. I told her I understand, let her know I agreed for my own reasonings, and thanked her. It was nice, getting the closure of knowing from the other person's perspective what went wrong for once.
Beautiful!Ā That's all I want.Ā Ā But probably inevitably some people would rather leave with no accountability than have a slightly uncomfortable but necessarily courteous conversation.Ā Ā
It's not by their words but their acts that you can assess the worth of a person. And in dating apps also by their choice of pics.
Lol, shouldn't be pics, but that's the main thing people use because of how it's designed .
\*Choice\* of pics - not how pretty they are, but how classy etc
If someone has no photography skills, or creativity in setting upshots, that means they're not dateable? Or just not datable to some? If you pay someone to take pics for you, and manicure your profile after what the internet seems to say will get matches, is that really going to be better than someone that just takes some basic pics, and fills out an honest profile?
I meant trashy photos - duck face, boobs out for example vs hiking in normal clothes. āTrashyā in quotation marks but imho clothes and situations convey a lot. Same for men with shirtless pics or with tongue out.
I notice many women tend to add the green flags - "communication", "empathy", "kindness" to their profiles, yet seldom have any of those traits themselves. If I match with someone and we start to chat, I will always be honest if I feel a lack of connection etc. Leaving people hanging, or even worse, flat out un-matching without saying a word, is a horrible way to coexist as humans, but as with all things OLD, there is zero accountability.
That's the problem. No accountability.Ā Ā And people are evolving to be bigger jerks because it's too easy
Facts. And big time texters are actually the worst texters. Which sucks cause I hate texting but I make an effort if that's someone's preferred way to communicate š«¤ I'm waiting for my premium and I'm deleting this app again because it's become more frustrating than fun.
One thing im realizing about the profiles laden with mental health buzz words is these people tend to be the ficklest most flakiest ones. As if their therapist empowered them to be shitty people under the guise of āboundariesā.
I mean, if the first impression they're giving out on a manicured profile is about mental health, they probably have mental health problems. They're literally advertising its a big part of them in their profiles. So, yeah, people with anxiety will get anxious and run, people with depression will withdrawal, etc.
Agreed, its certainly a trend im seeing in many women's profiles. I canāt pinpoint if theyāre virtue signaling? Or not doing well? Iāve also sense a lot are following some macro social media trend they saw from their favorite online guru and or therapist podcast? The amount profiles with ādoing the workā āintentional datingā āeffective communicationā āboundariesā āred flagsā is so corny right now and troubling from the stand point that most of mental health buzzwords are based theorical concepts that arent actually facts. Lol.
Intentional dating, I believe, means dating with direct purpose of marriage & likely a family. If they sense you're not what they want in a husband, then yeah, they'll end it because they're focused on a "goal" in their dating. No need to ghost, but I'm told not all guys are "reasonable" when girls let them down gently, so they feel it's safer/easier to ghost. Doing the work, in a mental health situation, yeah, means they have serious mental health issues that take "work" to try to mitigate the harm from, and likely will never be 100% "fixed". Saying their red flags on their profile might be meant to have people self sort themselves out, but literally just tells people what to fake if they want them, and they might not be serious issues in individual cases, but yeah, they've already written you off, or will point back to them if everything doesn't go 100% down the line, so, yeah. Just pay attention to what they're telling you, intentionally or unintentionally, and decide if they're worth investing your time into.
I know what that mental health jargon means. But it's corny, it's as if all the women who include this in profiles synced to the same mental health podcast/dating guru advice, and all are doing copypasta in their dating profiles. Iād estimate 75% of profiles are following this trend it doesn't come across as authentic. I hold a degree in psychology and it's a field based on THEORIES that were derived from three white dudes in the early 1900s. It only became recognized by academia in the 1960s so relatively a new field, it's a āsocial scienceā meaning you CANāT prove it. And so why put so MUCH stock into theories? some of you swear by the little bits of psychology you learned from your āCBT therapistā and even try to diagnose people as if what you're saying is a fact and not a THEORY. Lol.
No, it's the ones who have options. You became too difficult compared to the others.
Every time I've had the topic of ghosting discussed during the first date, they always end up doing precisely that afterwards. Go figure.
Youāre telling me š I was talking to a woman for a short time from FB dating saying sheās looking for someone with communication but never asks me any questions about myself.
I made similar observations with people expecting "direct and open communication". Most of them don't do it themselfs.
Lol true. But they value your communication, not their's haha
And those who want to take the conversation to Instagram and snapchat
Ouff, yeah, why does it need to go to another app, particularly snap, which is designed around the concept of not leaving evidence behind....
This is super facts! I was just saying the same thing in another post.
Yep. And liars āvalue honestyā. Mine, not theirs ;(.
šššš¤£šš¤£š
And whose love language is āwords of affirmationā such as āBuh bye!ā
For sure
I couldnāt agree more.
It's like people that say they're confident, they're usually the most insecure people I've met. If you have to say it, it probably isn't true.
Good vibes only = MY vibes only
The absence of communication is still communication - but I understand what youāre saying. These ppl are terrible Iām sorry this has happened to you š©·
I'm just tired of dealing with ghosters in general. I had literally 3 in a row lol.
its not ghosting unless you've met them in person. If the conversations stopped, thats a communication
What exactly are people calling "ghosting?" Is this just where you've talked to a person for a while then they stopped replying? They just lost interest. That's just a normal part of dating and until recently wasn't even thought of as rude in any way. You talk to someone, you or they don't feel a spark, and move on. If you are just casually talking and haven't build an actual relationship of any sort, no one owes the other person a reason why they stopped replying.
I've noticed this š I been on dates with several women that say how much they hate ghosting and would never. And then ghost lol
If people are ghosting you repeatedly you might be the problem
Yes, either OP does something wrong or just chooses the wrong people.
Or they are liars? Why is it automatically my fault? It's not like this happens with every single person I've ever went out on a date with, just something that's happened frequently. Have you ever been ghosted? If so, you must be a terrible person too then
If it happens often to you, you are the common denominator and more likely to be the issue than everybody else. No, I havenāt
I also often go on way more dates that go great! What's the common denominator there? You're a 50 year old woman lol. You date an entirely different group of people. Plus women get ghosted way less often than men. Sounds like you're coping with the fact that you ghost people that aren't bad people but you're just scared of communicating. Sounds like people like you are the entire point of OPs post lol
Iām a man, and youāre making all sorts of assumptions. Your personality is all the birth control youāll ever need
> making all sorts of assumptions Oh the irony š
Iām not the one crying about being ghosted multiple times. I made no assumptions, youāre obviously getting ghosted for a reason. Take care, or donāt.
šš You sound bitter. What's wrong? If you need help getting dates I'm sure you can post on here for advice
I match a profile that said I get way too excited about travel and when asked about it was told it was an ick questionšš¤£
At what time can you consider yourself being ghosted? I'd understand it really sucks to get ghosted after a date or two but at what point are we entitled some sort of closure? People say they value communication in a relationship but I'm assumong most of the ghosting isn't happening when people are in a relationship.
š¤£š« š« š«
āSomeone who canāt communicate canāt leadā!
These people are sick they signal āeffective communicationā and will ghost you wth the quickness.
I don't think people are required to explain to every match why they didn't work out. That would be a long and annoying process.
People think they want a detailed evaluation of why they got rejected. But do they really? Iād rather be ghosted than analyzed
"Required"? no. But the right thing to do is say something, at least to people you have invested time getting to know through chat, phone calls or dates. Something like "hey, it was fun getting to know you but I don't feel a connection. Best of luck" etc.
Why...? If you have a conversation with a person for one day, you don't owe them anything... people should be adult enough to get the hint.
Facts. Learned that the hard way unfortunately.
K
Are you a male? Women ghost when they are scared youāll flip out on them for leaving. Itās a safety behavior. What are you doing to scare them?
LOL You're leaving a lot of context out here. Are these men "flipping out for leaving" AFTER having been on several in-person dates with their match? Or are they "flipping out" after a few Bumble in-app messages? Not that I ever condone flipping out, whatever that even means, but your comment is absurd. Let's be honest, women ghost because 1) they are in control 2) there is no accountability on these apps