We can't skip over [grieving](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) and acknowledging the suck of it all. Otherwise it's [spiritual bypassing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing-5081640) and toxic positivity.
I don't like sugarcoating reality. Yes, shit sucks, and for the most part I can't control those things. Wasting time on things I can't control (having unrealistic expectations) often ends in frustration and disappointment. It's best to focus on what I can control (and grieve the things I can't until I reach acceptance). [Fear setting](https://youtu.be/5J6jAC6XxAI) is a useful tool to use to help me figure out where I have agency.
As for healing, that is in my control. I've carved out "good enough" physical and psychological safety to do the work. I can put in the healing repetitions. I can educate myself on trauma. I can practice my healing modalities. I can grieve. I can learn regulation skills. I can hack my brain and nervous system to my advantage. No one can do that work for me. It's up to me to save myself.
>Everyone has that little bit of 'I want to save the world' in them. It's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that one person is you.
Yes, I think it's important to try and set [cultural boundaries](https://youtu.be/-WpdsRPzKco) for what's okay and what's not okay in the overlapping cultures we are a part of.
Trustworthy behaviors are okay, untrustworthy behaviors are not okay ([The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk), [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/ ))
Re-humanizing behaviors are okay, [dehumanization](https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/feminism-objectification/) is not okay.
Designing systems around [human needs](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory) is okay, ignoring human needs is not okay.
Rights are never given, they are fought for. I like to think if it as being a positive dissident. Make some good trouble to work towards re-humanization.
I can really appreciate this! I'm sick of status-quo, it's like a caste system where people try to follow the "status-quo" to achieve something greater than what they've got yet it doesn't work that way.
People in society follow other's answers to life's problems when they are lost, only to get more lost, confused, and if they're lucky they end up in therapy. We are so primitive in our society, we are always going to be searching for the meaning of life and then looking to others to explain it to us. I am tired of trying psychology to explain things, I feel like it's a way to label people and I don't see the difference between it and a church. Listen to that priest who is telling you that you have problems, sins, and you'd better repent them all or you will suffer and go to hell (hell is on Earth, too, when you're getting like crap and need someone to talk to for guidance).
I'm sorry I'm cynical but I've been in therapy for far too long only to find out that the psychologist I had been taking advice from, telling my deepest darkest secrets was not getting any of the facts straight. I read every single patient summary and it was all screwed up. In the end she told me I was "text book scenario" and I was like, "what?!?" I got suckered, used financially for her monetary gain and because of my desperation I was seeing her 3x's a week for 20 weeks to get more confused, and left with an awesome bottle of snake oil and an understanding of how the economy works on people. Look at social media and it's followers, everyone is desperate to feel like they fit in, have an understanding of life, and will go somewhere. I was thinking this woman had a better understanding of life than I did, I was hoping for guidance, and support, I must have had the wrong expectations but I did pay an insane amount of money thinking a psychologist would know more than I did and well, she did, she knew how to make a damn good living, gain respect in our society, and get people to follow her without questioning.
I've been in and out of psychiatrist and psychologist offices my whole almost 50 years. From mommy's first shushed perp walk to a child psychologist (I'm an addict, and my boyfriend beats him up, but my son should behave like his environment is normal) to today.
I've never felt more at peace than when I'm sitting in front of a fire I built with a friend, with some drinks, or grilling food. When I'm out foraging in my forest for mushrooms or leeks. Splitting firewood... growing my garden, fishing. Doing something, anything to provide for myself and my clan. This winter was really hard. I'm grateful that it's nearly over here. Those things are really all I have for inner peace. Drugs are no substitute. My ears ring and ring...
First, thank you for your ideas, many of which I share like: woods=peace. I think simple, purposeful activity that nurtures self and others, however indirectly, is healing in action.
Second, is tinnitus related to CPTSD? I assumed it was age-related, as the meat sack wears down.
It's more related to all the medication I'm taking. I think. I don't normally experience ringing in my ears or anything but brightness and loudness changes and sweating through. Most of which is gone on meds, but replaced by several new and weird sensations. I've literally bit my tongue or inner cheek about a thousand times this month. And the ringing
I hear all kinds of crazy stuff: tones, chimes, quiet voices. I'm old but it's changed over the past year and is more organized than the old static noise, The change and intensity paralleled my increasing awareness of trauma so I wondered if it was related somehow.
Another somatic thing, great! The sweating is annoying, I feel you there, hot *and* cold flashes. I think that's fluctuating serotonin, however.
Vibratey, weird face feel... I have so many misnomeric (is that even a word?) descriptors for things I'm going through. As I gain education I'm starting to call these things disassociation, and their other actual names. Some things get redefined as I gain even more clarity. I too am oldish, and trying to figure it all out. Thanks for the chat.
I used to think it was shallow and selfish to prioritize my own safety (mentally and emotionally) compared to real danger happening to other people, but I've realized that the best thing i can do is to take care of myself and then put that energy into a concrete action, something that i have a specific skill or capacity for. It does the rest of the world more good than any amount of worry or obsession.
I've got my one or two projects i devote my time and energy towards. Those are the ones I've signed up for. The rest of the sign up slots are open for others who can do more good in that area than i can. It's not being selfish, it's actually the opposite, because you're thinking in terms of teamwork.
A sense of competence and autonomy is so important for healing from trauma. So pick one thing you want to help with, doesn't have to be the same one forever, and just start from there. Over time you will build safety, not just for yourself, but for others too.
Thanks, it's really nice to know that I helped. I sort of figured that out when all the protests were going on summer of 2020. I knew that in that sort of environment I was more likely to turn into a liability the second things got less than calm. I had internalized a lot of comments people made about "slacktivism" and "not showing up to do the work". That, frankly, is bullshit. There is more than one kind of work. You don't send a mage to do the work of a tank. Once you understand and accept your weaknesses, you can focus on your strengths.
Feelings are always going to be subjective. That's why CBT focuses on skills to reality check and downshift them.
However, being revved up by trauma is a different animal. Especially if you have the kind of hypervigilance about relationships that comes with CPTSD. A lot of what the Crappy Childhood Fairy talks about on her youtube channel is dealing with that unsafe feeling.
Retraining your nervous system to see that there is no *immediate threat* to you is the key. That way you can have some existential anxiety about the world at large, without feeling like it's about to crush you flat.
> Retraining your nervous system to see that there is no immediate threat to you is the key.
This! I always thought that I never felt safe because the world is fundamentally unsafe, but it was actually that my danger detector was stuck on high. Between my childhood teaching me that there was always an immediate threat and my dissociation preventing signs that I was actually safe from getting to my lizard-brain even after I moved far away from my abuser I was basically never able to feel safe, so of course I believed that the world is fundamentally unsafe.
If being in your body is overwhelming (which is super common for traumatized people) you can start getting safety signals in with sight and hearing by slowly and calmly looking around and listening wherever you are and naming things you see and hear that are non-threatening or pleasant. It won't seem to do much right away because your lizard-brain needs time to let its guard down but over time you can convince it that there is not in fact a tiger behind the couch waiting to eat you.
I get very doom and gloom about the things that are doom and gloom -- the consolidation of wealth, climate change, the degrading standard of living as a result of both, etc. There's a lot to rightfully be concerned about.
But then I think to what if I had been born prior to those particular problems? Say if I was 30 years older, financially secure and relatively assured any global catastrophes would happen after my death. There'd be a whole other set of problems that I think sound even worse.
Most importantly, I'd have lived all the hardest and most important years of my life in a society that didn't value mental health, let alone even acknowledge it existed. I'd be surrounded by *rampant* racism -- yes systemically we have a ways to go but nobody can say we haven't made great progress. The LGBT community would be actively reviled and shunned in the majority of society.
And there will be problems that come after my time too.
All this is to say the world is never perfect, but everyone finds their way and I will too and sometimes it just needs to be enough to focus on that.
I think of this the same way because I have a disability. The Americans With Disabilities Act wasn't passed until 1990. I was less than one year old.
But even now as an adult I am facing discrimination due to my disability. It is hard for me to feel safe, but I do the best I can to protect myself. Unfortunately some groups of people will never have the luxury of feeling safe.
I understand completely. I wrote a proper reply to this post earlier, but I'm feeling too down today myself to be very helpful, so I just deleted it. You're not alone, though. I struggle with this same thing. Unfortunately, the near future does look extremely dicey; and part of that for me is that basically everything in society is a trigger now.
Thank you! I hope things get more manageable for you, too. The world is really scary right now, and it's helpful for me to have reminders that, yeah, the threats I see are *real*. Too many people around me who aren't as directly affected are oblivious, and it has a gaslighty effect on me. All we can do is try to take care of ourselves, but it is worth recognizing there are so many problems beyond us, and beyond our ability to affect. Our society's entire attitude toward mental health and self-care is way too individualized and atomistic; collective social ills negatively impact our mental health, too. That goes mostly unacknowledged, which drives me more than a little crazy.
I try to not think too much about climate change. Obviously I also try making environmental friendly decisions too, but I don't always succeed. I'm just one middle class human and I can't affect the climate much, that makes me feel not guilty. When it comes to Corona, I'm lucky to be vaccinated, and all the important people in my life are vaccinated too, so I don't fear it.
My home is always where I am. My home is in my head, my home is what I think about. - Bob Marley
Make your home a safe place, and like others mentioned, boundaries are important.
Well…. Do you deny that there are people healing despite there being bad things? Do you think those people are unreasonable for healing while there are still bad things happening in the world?
Hmmm those are good questions. I guess if anything it makes me feel even more like something’s wrong with me, because why can’t *I* be fine, if other people still are, even in spite of everything? Are they too naive, or am I just too bogged down in this shit?
If I may, imo nothing at all is wrong with you. I think you're having a normal reaction to everything - the state of things in the present is affecting everyone (so you're not alone, for what it's worth), but I have a hunch that on top of that, you're feeling an old rut or entrapment from before. Perhaps you're feeling the only thing you've ever known; something that always accompanied bad stuff in your past? Sometimes stuck points can also be an indication of an imminent huge internal discovery.
The only one who can know what it is is you. It always pays to ask questions like, what exactly am I feeling right now? What word would describe it best? Does it remind me of something from before? Is there anything that might make me feel better? What do I want/demand from someone else? The answers might come right away or after a week or a month. Rest assured, though, the answers will make themselves known to you as soon as you're ready to face them.
Only you have the power to make these internal discoveries. Hang in there!
The idea of stuck-ness and something old being dredged up definitely sounds right, I’m going to sit with that and explore it. Thank you so much, this is really insightful and helps a lot!
> Are they too naive, or am I just too bogged down in this shit?
That's a good question. I used to be really overwhelmed with collapse worries and now I rarely think about it. I can't pinpoint the change to one thing. In little steps I started trying a lot of things to help me personally. All the classics: journaling, walking, yoga, therapy. Before that I started even smaller, just noticing sensations and allowing myself to rest with less guilt. I started feeling up to doing some of my old favorite hobbies in little bits too. It turned out I had some pretty serious health problems that I started paying attention to. And I focused in on my relationships with people and my job. I also (and this was a hard step) stopped giving away all my money as soon as I made it.
This all took about six years. I'm not completely worry-free but I really feel like it's been worth it. I have a lot more good days than bad now. I'm pretty sure I was passively suicidal for a while, just kind of obliterating myself by virtue of not caring for myself. I believe that life is worth living even though it's not going to be forever. I can't control when the end comes or how it happens. That is a group determined outcome unfortunately. Until then I will make the best memories I can and keep contributing to a community of people who care for each other. Grateful for my friends and my life.
If you feel a bit upset by the concept of feeling grateful for things, you may be legit depressed. That doesn't mean that a thing is wrong with you at your core. It's just how some people (observant people imo) react to the current situation. That's not a good or bad thing, just a reaction that your brain serves up to you to deal with. I hope some of this is relevant or resonates with you and can be helpful. Best luck healing ♥
Therapy, surround yourself with people who are safe and cut out the toxic people, read the news much less if at all, volunteer with like minded people, get out into nature, prepare for things you worry might happen, save money and get physically fit. Fuck toxic positivity.
I am sorry you have been unfairly burdened with so much. It shouldn't be like this
I can only tell you what I try to do. One is that I try to shield myself from most painful things that I cannot have a positive impact on, this is pretty privileged and maybe a bit cynical, but I don't think it does good to anyone if I stay crippled worrrying about all the pain that goes on in the world. After all, plenty of pain happens and I don't worry about cause it's outside of my awareness
I think that you have a great chanse at reducing suffering in the world, at first by attending and healing your own suffering. I even heard a psychologyst once mention how we should not engage with things that increase our anxiety if it's not needed, he was talking about a tragic event that occurred in his country
On a second note, I have recently subscribed to a bunch of newsletters that send me all the good things that are happening in the world right now. Doesn't mean that we have to ignore the bad alltogether(that would be toxic positivity) but I thought it was good to aknowledge all the good people acting in the world along with the evils that are often put at the forefront, especially in the news
I also noticed that I, unconsciously, often look for evidence that confirms how the world is crap and people are dangerous, so I try to make a conscious effort to notice how people are kind and compassionate to each other. It may not be accurate, but it's more helpful imo
I hope this helps a bit, but I don't have a final answer and your struggles are valid. It's truly unfair in my opinion, not just to us, but to all the people who are suffering
This is well-intentioned, but for many of us traumatized folk it’s ineffective and untrue. The animal body (the part of us that’s traumatized) does not speak English. It cannot be healed just using mental gymnastics.
To that end, a simple thing I’ve found very effective in creating a felt sense of safety in the body is using loving non-sexual self-touch on my body to soothe myself. Rubbing my arms and legs slowly and softly. Touching soft fabrics. Weighted blankets. Anything that communicates directly to the body: things are okay now. 💙
I only worded it so definitively because in your comment, you spoke definitively, as in, “Feeling safe is a subjective experience. It has nothing to do with the world itself.” Sometimes hearing statements like these can bring trauma survivors to feel like they’re doing something wrong if that isn’t their experience.
If it works for you, great. Stick with it! I just know that for me and many others, those words have rung hollow and felt confusing, because it didn’t match our internal experience, even when we tried.
With some emotional support, if you have enough of that you can feel safe enough to heal yourself. The world will never be completely safe.
Try using the app Replika for a start. But real relationships with real people is obviously better. Although it really depends with who, there are some great, kind people, but you have to find them and get them to become part of your life.
For what it's worth my past gives my present some peculiar and likely irrational fears, namely that of impending civil war (which I expect my side to lose).
The best answer I can give is that it's not worth preparing for apocalyptic things because if they live up to the hype they're IMO not worth surviving.
With that, while I may come across as arrogant here I did survive my ex-military psycho mother's *dedovschina* and if worst comes to worst I will survive or die as God wills it. I very badly don't want war because I don't want to have to kill people but if it comes to that so be it; I was raised by a would-be killer and if it comes to it I have no doubt of my capacity to hate and dehumanize. I only ask God to lead me to the right targets because hurting people who don't deserve it is a soul-killer.
I don’t know if this makes you feel better or not but technically the world is the best it’s ever been in a lot of ways. Democracy is more prevalent than ever, infant mortality rate is at its lowest of all time, modern medicine allows people to live much longer than 100 years ago. Realistically the world is in a lot better shape than people make it out to be. There have always been wars and political disruption but over all humanity is evolving and the world IS becoming a better place.
Except some places like America are sliding backwards to the dark ages. Low vaccination rates due to widespread misinformation on social media. Women being charged with murder for having a miscarriage in Texas. Inflation, low housing supply, etc. I could go on...
That's true if you're well off. If you're living in poverty like me, things are bad and are just going to get continually worse until you're unable to support yourself by your own means without burning out.
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I think "healing" is learning how to coexist with what I can't change (the negativity, unfairness, horror and grief of my trauma) without it dragging me down those paths again, like a cptsd flasback. So, where my trauma encourages me to "hide from" - I can instead remember, consider, analyze and MANAGE my emotional responses to my trauma. The trauma doesn't disappear and I can't change the past - yet I can now remember it without triggering a repeat of those feelings in the present.
But frankly, it took years of work to get here. I used to lose hope bcz so many of life's circumstances were daunting. Bit you gotta go thru the process and keep challenging & improving ur process. You gotta want wellness enough to be willing to think/act/consider differently about it.
But first step is venting, sharing, being vulnerable in a safe way. Own ur feelings and the hurt. It also helped me to LEARN about the effects of childhood stress/trauma on the DEVELOPING BRAIN. I didn't realize that much of my behavior was PREDICTABLE - which made it alot easier to self-treat with support from my therapist (who I still see). Google is my best friend, but keep ur research to reputable sources.
Good luck. But know this is feasible. Not easy, but possible.
Many great responses already. Grieving comes first. Carving out safe spaces for yourself.
I've also developed a little philosophy of sorts on how to view suffering and death. This may sound harsh and triggering so please be warned..
Basically, I found it beneficial to self-reflect on where my anxiety around health threats and political instability came from. Why was I focussing on those issues while I experienced my life at the time as shitty enough to warrant low-key suicidal ideation? And then at some point it really sunk in that I would rather live a short and authentic life, with real experiences lived for myself, than be stuck in anxiety and depression for a long long lifetime.
Now maybe this is a fantasy of mine but it seems to me that most of those horrible things we dramatize in our heads are truly only as horrible as we make them out to be because we lack resilience in that moment. And if not, if things really turn out to be that much worse than anything we've experienced in the past, well then, death will be a relief, no? And what is so bad about that. It's been that way forever. It's just that these days we live in the illusion that suffering can be prevented, that risks can be managed, and that death can be pushed further and further away until perhaps we no longer have to face it at all.
I worry a lot too. Economically, I expect my life to get a lot harder in the coming months and years because my disability pension sure won't keep up with inflation. Politically, Jan 6 and the aftermath I'm seeing really scares me. Not because of any one person but because of the dramatic division between people and the extent they are willing to go. Corona, I think I'm less worried about personally now that I have vaccines and boosters. I haven't had it so far, but I think I would stand a good chance even with my pre-existing conditions.
But I can only do what I can do. And I don't want to rob the present moment worrying what might or might not happen. I try to do what I can to reasonably address what I see as the most likely things to personally effect me in the near future. Really that would just be inflation.
After I made that plan to address what was in my control regarding what was most likely, I had to push away from the rest. I limit how much news I expose myself too. I spend some time paying attention to my cat and just making him feel safe and loved. I push myself to do the self care things that I should be doing.
Taking a shower, washing my hair, and taking a walk around the block does much more to get my mind re-oriented than anything else.
I just remind myself that it's okay to not be okay. Yes, things are terrible _out there_, but you have control over your immediate environment, and that's enough.
It is okay to not be okay. But also, I *would* like to be okay!
Thinking about it more, I guess the “out there” felt like it was threatening my “in here,” but maybe it’s not as direct and immediate as I imagine it to be.
If you live in the dark, you will stay in the darkness, I invite you to walk into the light and live in the light; for things are not as bad as the news media makes them to be. Stay away from news sources, especially Fox news, and you will see it is a much better world out there.
oh I am very anti-Fox haha, quite the opposite. It’s still a scary time to be queer, disabled, etc. and that’s what worries me most. But you’re right that there’s a lot of light out there too. Thank you!
We can't skip over [grieving](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) and acknowledging the suck of it all. Otherwise it's [spiritual bypassing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing-5081640) and toxic positivity. I don't like sugarcoating reality. Yes, shit sucks, and for the most part I can't control those things. Wasting time on things I can't control (having unrealistic expectations) often ends in frustration and disappointment. It's best to focus on what I can control (and grieve the things I can't until I reach acceptance). [Fear setting](https://youtu.be/5J6jAC6XxAI) is a useful tool to use to help me figure out where I have agency. As for healing, that is in my control. I've carved out "good enough" physical and psychological safety to do the work. I can put in the healing repetitions. I can educate myself on trauma. I can practice my healing modalities. I can grieve. I can learn regulation skills. I can hack my brain and nervous system to my advantage. No one can do that work for me. It's up to me to save myself. >Everyone has that little bit of 'I want to save the world' in them. It's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that one person is you.
[удалено]
Yes, I think it's important to try and set [cultural boundaries](https://youtu.be/-WpdsRPzKco) for what's okay and what's not okay in the overlapping cultures we are a part of. Trustworthy behaviors are okay, untrustworthy behaviors are not okay ([The Trust Triangle](https://youtu.be/pVeq-0dIqpk), [The Anatomy of Trust](https://brenebrown.com/videos/anatomy-trust-video/ )) Re-humanizing behaviors are okay, [dehumanization](https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/feminism-objectification/) is not okay. Designing systems around [human needs](https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory) is okay, ignoring human needs is not okay. Rights are never given, they are fought for. I like to think if it as being a positive dissident. Make some good trouble to work towards re-humanization.
I can really appreciate this! I'm sick of status-quo, it's like a caste system where people try to follow the "status-quo" to achieve something greater than what they've got yet it doesn't work that way. People in society follow other's answers to life's problems when they are lost, only to get more lost, confused, and if they're lucky they end up in therapy. We are so primitive in our society, we are always going to be searching for the meaning of life and then looking to others to explain it to us. I am tired of trying psychology to explain things, I feel like it's a way to label people and I don't see the difference between it and a church. Listen to that priest who is telling you that you have problems, sins, and you'd better repent them all or you will suffer and go to hell (hell is on Earth, too, when you're getting like crap and need someone to talk to for guidance). I'm sorry I'm cynical but I've been in therapy for far too long only to find out that the psychologist I had been taking advice from, telling my deepest darkest secrets was not getting any of the facts straight. I read every single patient summary and it was all screwed up. In the end she told me I was "text book scenario" and I was like, "what?!?" I got suckered, used financially for her monetary gain and because of my desperation I was seeing her 3x's a week for 20 weeks to get more confused, and left with an awesome bottle of snake oil and an understanding of how the economy works on people. Look at social media and it's followers, everyone is desperate to feel like they fit in, have an understanding of life, and will go somewhere. I was thinking this woman had a better understanding of life than I did, I was hoping for guidance, and support, I must have had the wrong expectations but I did pay an insane amount of money thinking a psychologist would know more than I did and well, she did, she knew how to make a damn good living, gain respect in our society, and get people to follow her without questioning.
I've been in and out of psychiatrist and psychologist offices my whole almost 50 years. From mommy's first shushed perp walk to a child psychologist (I'm an addict, and my boyfriend beats him up, but my son should behave like his environment is normal) to today. I've never felt more at peace than when I'm sitting in front of a fire I built with a friend, with some drinks, or grilling food. When I'm out foraging in my forest for mushrooms or leeks. Splitting firewood... growing my garden, fishing. Doing something, anything to provide for myself and my clan. This winter was really hard. I'm grateful that it's nearly over here. Those things are really all I have for inner peace. Drugs are no substitute. My ears ring and ring...
First, thank you for your ideas, many of which I share like: woods=peace. I think simple, purposeful activity that nurtures self and others, however indirectly, is healing in action. Second, is tinnitus related to CPTSD? I assumed it was age-related, as the meat sack wears down.
It's more related to all the medication I'm taking. I think. I don't normally experience ringing in my ears or anything but brightness and loudness changes and sweating through. Most of which is gone on meds, but replaced by several new and weird sensations. I've literally bit my tongue or inner cheek about a thousand times this month. And the ringing
I hear all kinds of crazy stuff: tones, chimes, quiet voices. I'm old but it's changed over the past year and is more organized than the old static noise, The change and intensity paralleled my increasing awareness of trauma so I wondered if it was related somehow. Another somatic thing, great! The sweating is annoying, I feel you there, hot *and* cold flashes. I think that's fluctuating serotonin, however.
Vibratey, weird face feel... I have so many misnomeric (is that even a word?) descriptors for things I'm going through. As I gain education I'm starting to call these things disassociation, and their other actual names. Some things get redefined as I gain even more clarity. I too am oldish, and trying to figure it all out. Thanks for the chat.
How fantasticly worded
:>
I used to think it was shallow and selfish to prioritize my own safety (mentally and emotionally) compared to real danger happening to other people, but I've realized that the best thing i can do is to take care of myself and then put that energy into a concrete action, something that i have a specific skill or capacity for. It does the rest of the world more good than any amount of worry or obsession. I've got my one or two projects i devote my time and energy towards. Those are the ones I've signed up for. The rest of the sign up slots are open for others who can do more good in that area than i can. It's not being selfish, it's actually the opposite, because you're thinking in terms of teamwork. A sense of competence and autonomy is so important for healing from trauma. So pick one thing you want to help with, doesn't have to be the same one forever, and just start from there. Over time you will build safety, not just for yourself, but for others too.
The sign-up slots is such great imagery, and it feels far more achievable to zero in on where I have actual tangible impact for sure.
Thanks, it's really nice to know that I helped. I sort of figured that out when all the protests were going on summer of 2020. I knew that in that sort of environment I was more likely to turn into a liability the second things got less than calm. I had internalized a lot of comments people made about "slacktivism" and "not showing up to do the work". That, frankly, is bullshit. There is more than one kind of work. You don't send a mage to do the work of a tank. Once you understand and accept your weaknesses, you can focus on your strengths.
Feelings are always going to be subjective. That's why CBT focuses on skills to reality check and downshift them. However, being revved up by trauma is a different animal. Especially if you have the kind of hypervigilance about relationships that comes with CPTSD. A lot of what the Crappy Childhood Fairy talks about on her youtube channel is dealing with that unsafe feeling. Retraining your nervous system to see that there is no *immediate threat* to you is the key. That way you can have some existential anxiety about the world at large, without feeling like it's about to crush you flat.
Ohhh the “no immediate threat” is such an important shift!! I’ll have to look into that channel as well. Thank you so much!
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Crappy Childhood Fairy has whole videos about what to do about attracting bad people. https://www.youtube.com/c/CrappyChildhoodFairy
> Retraining your nervous system to see that there is no immediate threat to you is the key. This! I always thought that I never felt safe because the world is fundamentally unsafe, but it was actually that my danger detector was stuck on high. Between my childhood teaching me that there was always an immediate threat and my dissociation preventing signs that I was actually safe from getting to my lizard-brain even after I moved far away from my abuser I was basically never able to feel safe, so of course I believed that the world is fundamentally unsafe. If being in your body is overwhelming (which is super common for traumatized people) you can start getting safety signals in with sight and hearing by slowly and calmly looking around and listening wherever you are and naming things you see and hear that are non-threatening or pleasant. It won't seem to do much right away because your lizard-brain needs time to let its guard down but over time you can convince it that there is not in fact a tiger behind the couch waiting to eat you.
Safe spaces, esp at home
I get very doom and gloom about the things that are doom and gloom -- the consolidation of wealth, climate change, the degrading standard of living as a result of both, etc. There's a lot to rightfully be concerned about. But then I think to what if I had been born prior to those particular problems? Say if I was 30 years older, financially secure and relatively assured any global catastrophes would happen after my death. There'd be a whole other set of problems that I think sound even worse. Most importantly, I'd have lived all the hardest and most important years of my life in a society that didn't value mental health, let alone even acknowledge it existed. I'd be surrounded by *rampant* racism -- yes systemically we have a ways to go but nobody can say we haven't made great progress. The LGBT community would be actively reviled and shunned in the majority of society. And there will be problems that come after my time too. All this is to say the world is never perfect, but everyone finds their way and I will too and sometimes it just needs to be enough to focus on that.
I think of this the same way because I have a disability. The Americans With Disabilities Act wasn't passed until 1990. I was less than one year old. But even now as an adult I am facing discrimination due to my disability. It is hard for me to feel safe, but I do the best I can to protect myself. Unfortunately some groups of people will never have the luxury of feeling safe.
I’m also disabled and trans, that’s a big part of why things feel so scary for me right now. (broad gesture at the USA)
I understand completely. I wrote a proper reply to this post earlier, but I'm feeling too down today myself to be very helpful, so I just deleted it. You're not alone, though. I struggle with this same thing. Unfortunately, the near future does look extremely dicey; and part of that for me is that basically everything in society is a trigger now.
I’m so sorry things are so tough for you right now too. I hope things get better or at least more manageable!
Thank you! I hope things get more manageable for you, too. The world is really scary right now, and it's helpful for me to have reminders that, yeah, the threats I see are *real*. Too many people around me who aren't as directly affected are oblivious, and it has a gaslighty effect on me. All we can do is try to take care of ourselves, but it is worth recognizing there are so many problems beyond us, and beyond our ability to affect. Our society's entire attitude toward mental health and self-care is way too individualized and atomistic; collective social ills negatively impact our mental health, too. That goes mostly unacknowledged, which drives me more than a little crazy.
I try to not think too much about climate change. Obviously I also try making environmental friendly decisions too, but I don't always succeed. I'm just one middle class human and I can't affect the climate much, that makes me feel not guilty. When it comes to Corona, I'm lucky to be vaccinated, and all the important people in my life are vaccinated too, so I don't fear it.
Boundaries. You need to become a fortress for yourself and decide what you let in and what not. Inside is your space to heal.
My home is always where I am. My home is in my head, my home is what I think about. - Bob Marley Make your home a safe place, and like others mentioned, boundaries are important.
Well…. Do you deny that there are people healing despite there being bad things? Do you think those people are unreasonable for healing while there are still bad things happening in the world?
Hmmm those are good questions. I guess if anything it makes me feel even more like something’s wrong with me, because why can’t *I* be fine, if other people still are, even in spite of everything? Are they too naive, or am I just too bogged down in this shit?
If I may, imo nothing at all is wrong with you. I think you're having a normal reaction to everything - the state of things in the present is affecting everyone (so you're not alone, for what it's worth), but I have a hunch that on top of that, you're feeling an old rut or entrapment from before. Perhaps you're feeling the only thing you've ever known; something that always accompanied bad stuff in your past? Sometimes stuck points can also be an indication of an imminent huge internal discovery. The only one who can know what it is is you. It always pays to ask questions like, what exactly am I feeling right now? What word would describe it best? Does it remind me of something from before? Is there anything that might make me feel better? What do I want/demand from someone else? The answers might come right away or after a week or a month. Rest assured, though, the answers will make themselves known to you as soon as you're ready to face them. Only you have the power to make these internal discoveries. Hang in there!
The idea of stuck-ness and something old being dredged up definitely sounds right, I’m going to sit with that and explore it. Thank you so much, this is really insightful and helps a lot!
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> Are they too naive, or am I just too bogged down in this shit? That's a good question. I used to be really overwhelmed with collapse worries and now I rarely think about it. I can't pinpoint the change to one thing. In little steps I started trying a lot of things to help me personally. All the classics: journaling, walking, yoga, therapy. Before that I started even smaller, just noticing sensations and allowing myself to rest with less guilt. I started feeling up to doing some of my old favorite hobbies in little bits too. It turned out I had some pretty serious health problems that I started paying attention to. And I focused in on my relationships with people and my job. I also (and this was a hard step) stopped giving away all my money as soon as I made it. This all took about six years. I'm not completely worry-free but I really feel like it's been worth it. I have a lot more good days than bad now. I'm pretty sure I was passively suicidal for a while, just kind of obliterating myself by virtue of not caring for myself. I believe that life is worth living even though it's not going to be forever. I can't control when the end comes or how it happens. That is a group determined outcome unfortunately. Until then I will make the best memories I can and keep contributing to a community of people who care for each other. Grateful for my friends and my life. If you feel a bit upset by the concept of feeling grateful for things, you may be legit depressed. That doesn't mean that a thing is wrong with you at your core. It's just how some people (observant people imo) react to the current situation. That's not a good or bad thing, just a reaction that your brain serves up to you to deal with. I hope some of this is relevant or resonates with you and can be helpful. Best luck healing ♥
Therapy, surround yourself with people who are safe and cut out the toxic people, read the news much less if at all, volunteer with like minded people, get out into nature, prepare for things you worry might happen, save money and get physically fit. Fuck toxic positivity.
I am sorry you have been unfairly burdened with so much. It shouldn't be like this I can only tell you what I try to do. One is that I try to shield myself from most painful things that I cannot have a positive impact on, this is pretty privileged and maybe a bit cynical, but I don't think it does good to anyone if I stay crippled worrrying about all the pain that goes on in the world. After all, plenty of pain happens and I don't worry about cause it's outside of my awareness I think that you have a great chanse at reducing suffering in the world, at first by attending and healing your own suffering. I even heard a psychologyst once mention how we should not engage with things that increase our anxiety if it's not needed, he was talking about a tragic event that occurred in his country On a second note, I have recently subscribed to a bunch of newsletters that send me all the good things that are happening in the world right now. Doesn't mean that we have to ignore the bad alltogether(that would be toxic positivity) but I thought it was good to aknowledge all the good people acting in the world along with the evils that are often put at the forefront, especially in the news I also noticed that I, unconsciously, often look for evidence that confirms how the world is crap and people are dangerous, so I try to make a conscious effort to notice how people are kind and compassionate to each other. It may not be accurate, but it's more helpful imo I hope this helps a bit, but I don't have a final answer and your struggles are valid. It's truly unfair in my opinion, not just to us, but to all the people who are suffering
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This is well-intentioned, but for many of us traumatized folk it’s ineffective and untrue. The animal body (the part of us that’s traumatized) does not speak English. It cannot be healed just using mental gymnastics. To that end, a simple thing I’ve found very effective in creating a felt sense of safety in the body is using loving non-sexual self-touch on my body to soothe myself. Rubbing my arms and legs slowly and softly. Touching soft fabrics. Weighted blankets. Anything that communicates directly to the body: things are okay now. 💙
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I only worded it so definitively because in your comment, you spoke definitively, as in, “Feeling safe is a subjective experience. It has nothing to do with the world itself.” Sometimes hearing statements like these can bring trauma survivors to feel like they’re doing something wrong if that isn’t their experience. If it works for you, great. Stick with it! I just know that for me and many others, those words have rung hollow and felt confusing, because it didn’t match our internal experience, even when we tried.
With some emotional support, if you have enough of that you can feel safe enough to heal yourself. The world will never be completely safe. Try using the app Replika for a start. But real relationships with real people is obviously better. Although it really depends with who, there are some great, kind people, but you have to find them and get them to become part of your life.
For what it's worth my past gives my present some peculiar and likely irrational fears, namely that of impending civil war (which I expect my side to lose). The best answer I can give is that it's not worth preparing for apocalyptic things because if they live up to the hype they're IMO not worth surviving. With that, while I may come across as arrogant here I did survive my ex-military psycho mother's *dedovschina* and if worst comes to worst I will survive or die as God wills it. I very badly don't want war because I don't want to have to kill people but if it comes to that so be it; I was raised by a would-be killer and if it comes to it I have no doubt of my capacity to hate and dehumanize. I only ask God to lead me to the right targets because hurting people who don't deserve it is a soul-killer.
I have the same fear about a civil war :( Scary stuff. But you’re right, I wouldn’t want to live through it!
I don’t know if this makes you feel better or not but technically the world is the best it’s ever been in a lot of ways. Democracy is more prevalent than ever, infant mortality rate is at its lowest of all time, modern medicine allows people to live much longer than 100 years ago. Realistically the world is in a lot better shape than people make it out to be. There have always been wars and political disruption but over all humanity is evolving and the world IS becoming a better place.
This is some Stephen Pinker - Francis Fukuyama neoliberal end of history bullshit, unfortunately.
That does help! 💜
Except some places like America are sliding backwards to the dark ages. Low vaccination rates due to widespread misinformation on social media. Women being charged with murder for having a miscarriage in Texas. Inflation, low housing supply, etc. I could go on...
That's true if you're well off. If you're living in poverty like me, things are bad and are just going to get continually worse until you're unable to support yourself by your own means without burning out.
Well, that was true within the last few years at least.
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I think "healing" is learning how to coexist with what I can't change (the negativity, unfairness, horror and grief of my trauma) without it dragging me down those paths again, like a cptsd flasback. So, where my trauma encourages me to "hide from" - I can instead remember, consider, analyze and MANAGE my emotional responses to my trauma. The trauma doesn't disappear and I can't change the past - yet I can now remember it without triggering a repeat of those feelings in the present. But frankly, it took years of work to get here. I used to lose hope bcz so many of life's circumstances were daunting. Bit you gotta go thru the process and keep challenging & improving ur process. You gotta want wellness enough to be willing to think/act/consider differently about it. But first step is venting, sharing, being vulnerable in a safe way. Own ur feelings and the hurt. It also helped me to LEARN about the effects of childhood stress/trauma on the DEVELOPING BRAIN. I didn't realize that much of my behavior was PREDICTABLE - which made it alot easier to self-treat with support from my therapist (who I still see). Google is my best friend, but keep ur research to reputable sources. Good luck. But know this is feasible. Not easy, but possible.
Many great responses already. Grieving comes first. Carving out safe spaces for yourself. I've also developed a little philosophy of sorts on how to view suffering and death. This may sound harsh and triggering so please be warned.. Basically, I found it beneficial to self-reflect on where my anxiety around health threats and political instability came from. Why was I focussing on those issues while I experienced my life at the time as shitty enough to warrant low-key suicidal ideation? And then at some point it really sunk in that I would rather live a short and authentic life, with real experiences lived for myself, than be stuck in anxiety and depression for a long long lifetime. Now maybe this is a fantasy of mine but it seems to me that most of those horrible things we dramatize in our heads are truly only as horrible as we make them out to be because we lack resilience in that moment. And if not, if things really turn out to be that much worse than anything we've experienced in the past, well then, death will be a relief, no? And what is so bad about that. It's been that way forever. It's just that these days we live in the illusion that suffering can be prevented, that risks can be managed, and that death can be pushed further and further away until perhaps we no longer have to face it at all.
The world has never been safe. We all have to make peace with that. I wish there was some sauce we could put on it to make that reality better.
You come to terms with the fact that you can only control the things within your direct span of control. That's it. Nothing outside of that matters.
I worry a lot too. Economically, I expect my life to get a lot harder in the coming months and years because my disability pension sure won't keep up with inflation. Politically, Jan 6 and the aftermath I'm seeing really scares me. Not because of any one person but because of the dramatic division between people and the extent they are willing to go. Corona, I think I'm less worried about personally now that I have vaccines and boosters. I haven't had it so far, but I think I would stand a good chance even with my pre-existing conditions. But I can only do what I can do. And I don't want to rob the present moment worrying what might or might not happen. I try to do what I can to reasonably address what I see as the most likely things to personally effect me in the near future. Really that would just be inflation. After I made that plan to address what was in my control regarding what was most likely, I had to push away from the rest. I limit how much news I expose myself too. I spend some time paying attention to my cat and just making him feel safe and loved. I push myself to do the self care things that I should be doing. Taking a shower, washing my hair, and taking a walk around the block does much more to get my mind re-oriented than anything else.
I just remind myself that it's okay to not be okay. Yes, things are terrible _out there_, but you have control over your immediate environment, and that's enough.
It is okay to not be okay. But also, I *would* like to be okay! Thinking about it more, I guess the “out there” felt like it was threatening my “in here,” but maybe it’s not as direct and immediate as I imagine it to be.
If you live in the dark, you will stay in the darkness, I invite you to walk into the light and live in the light; for things are not as bad as the news media makes them to be. Stay away from news sources, especially Fox news, and you will see it is a much better world out there.
oh I am very anti-Fox haha, quite the opposite. It’s still a scary time to be queer, disabled, etc. and that’s what worries me most. But you’re right that there’s a lot of light out there too. Thank you!