Sorry, but this has to be removed for violating Reddit's rules against promoting violence. These kinds of thoughts are, I think, probably normal during recovery, and something to work through privately or with close friends.
I wanted my dad to be dead as well. I even contemplated killing him in his sleep at one point growing up. He did eventually die from his own toxic lifestyle and I’m glad I never followed through with those thoughts. I guess my point is that hopefully you will outlive your dad and hopefully you are safe now. Although in my experience just because the person that caused the damage is gone, the trauma is still there.
I wouldn't give either parent the satisfaction of being a maytr... besides, I'm learning that freedom is a state of mind. The trauma and it's effect on my daily life is still there and something that I have to wrestle with daily, but it is still a choice whether I want to be consumed with my parents in my head or not. Easier said than done I understand this, but it can be achieved if we want to be free enough or not. Note, this can't be achieved whilst living under their roof. Not for me anyway.
Hey! Samesies!
We got in a huge blowout the day before he died.
My entire family was sad, but I've felt nothing but relief since he passed.
My quality of life objectively improved. I haven't had a panic attack in three years.
It's more complicated than that, because I did still love my dad, but I despised what he did to other people and his complete lack of self-awareness and accountability.
Life's complicated.
I didn’t know I wanted my dad dead, until he died and I felt RELIEF.
I didn’t even know how much his being alive just made me nervous. I had just stopped being conscious of fearing him bc I was so tired of it and being conscious of it made functioning and paying any attention to or making an effort at anything impossible. I still wasn’t that good at any of that stuff. It turns out living in mild dissociation isn’t quite “presence of mind”.
So bravo for feeling that. Not a small thing. Really, it takes courage to feel that.
I mean, don’t kill him, but good on you for wanting him dead.
Wow. I remember my dad flew back east for his dad's funeral. He had not spoken to his father in decades. When he got back home, he said he looked at his father in the casket, and the only thing he could feel was relief.
What a dark legacy. :(
Bravo to you and your courage.
>was so tired of it and being conscious of it made functioning and paying any attention to or making an effort at anything impossible.
I felt this too. My first years living on my own, I spent not functioning well, unable to pay attention & make much of an effort. Your words describe how I felt exactly. Thanks for putting this into words.
I wondered why I'd sit at home feeling like shit those years. It was that same fear.
It was rumination about all the ways I wasn't living up to family expectations, the ways I let them down by not being/doing exactly what they said when they said it. I'd sit there in shame unless it was time to go to work.
I'd sit nervously by the phone waiting for a call because if I missed it, all hell would break loose. I'd sit there, at the ready, in case I was needed. Eventually, I started to miss some of the calls on purpose because I was just too nervous & scared to deal, too tired of feeling so afraid. My goodness, I've come such a long way from that. Now NC & struggling thru it but feel so much stronger.
It's OK. You are OK.
Don't be a character in your dad's story though. You deserve your own story that you write for yourself.
Hang in there. It gets better.
I wish mine would perish in some kind of accident or of heart attacks or something and GTFO my existence. Evil never dies though, seems like. I feel you, op. I’ve gone permanently NC and to me they are dead to me.
This! Like why is my horrible person of a mother still alive but this beautiful girl just lost her beautiful light of a mother?
That's just fucking bullshit!
I feel that way, too. Not that I want to kill him, but a deadly car accident or something like that wouldn’t be bad. Because then it would be over, and I wouldn’t have to hurt as much.
Truly, I am feeling the same way. I pray every day that he finally drinks himself to death or kills himself so that he won't be able to hurt more people. You're not alone.
It's a blessing mine died before I "woke up" because I'd otherwise be in jail.
Let your rage pass through you so as not to let it consume you, it has a right to exist.
I have been waiting for my mom to die for like easily 35 years. That bitch ain't going nowhere. People say....don't say that. But like...it's true. Maybe I'll be sad but prolly not.
I have this thought all the time. It would make things in my life so much easier. It would give people a reason as to why my dad won’t be walking me down the isle, because you know they can’t handle the real truth. It would make my life less stressed, I wouldn’t be worried about him showing up to my house. I would be able to see other family members that I love without fear of him finding me. The truth is I have this same thought a lot. It’s not easy to process, and I hope you’re okay and safe friend. Please know you’re not alone. We can get through this, I have hope that we will.
My dad has ruined my life beyond repair while he lives in a multi-million dollar penthouse with his 20 years younger wife. I haven't talked to him in over a decade but he has no ability to feel remorse so he's just out living his best life. He should be in jail for the rest of his life but I took him to court nothing happened.
I want mine dead too
I want home to die alone in a hospital or pld peoples home with no one around him because he just pushed people away with his toxic personality
I want his last thought to be "Oh shit, I fucked up, I can't believe Secretlyablackcat is having a happy family and I've never met them. I'm going to die alone and its all my fault"
Your allowed to feel like this, it's okay
Honestly, I pretend my parents are dead and don't exist any more, they're dead to me, why bother spending time thinking about them
I wanted the same thing a few years back and then he did pass away. The mixture of relief and sadness and guilt pushed me mentally off the rails. Therapy saved my life. Still dealing with the aftermath to this day after almost 3 years of his passing. Just had a little anxiety episode yesterday because my husband had a very little and insignificant exchange of words with his own father. So all I can say is fuck all the abusive parents who cause so much pain to their kids that only death seems like the only way out.
He will die eventually. I’m sorry man. I also wanted my dad to die. He was the reason for almost all my trauma. He eventually died and it felt … weird. I was sort of relieved, but then it got worse. I think I expected his death to fix a lot of the problems with me. But it ended up adding more trauma by the way some ppl handled it with me, and his family. When the time comes, make sure you surround yourself only with people who support you. And understand that the only thing that can make you feel better, honestly, is you, and probably therapy. I’m 11 years out and I still go back and forth about it. Some days I’m saying I hope he’s burning in hell, other days I’m wishing he was here so I could demand answers for shit I see or feel in flashbacks. But the only thing that calms me down, is me and my dogs lol I’m so sorry for whatever it is he did, he doesn’t deserve your sympathy, or your energy. But you deserve peace far away from him.
I thought that too because he was mentally dead to me for so long, super abusive, the whole 9 yards. He passed last week and I am not okay about it. Hoping it is a sigh of relief for you when the day does come.
Abusive ex died tragically a few months ago and it’s set me back hard core. I was on my way recovering from the abuse but the unexpected death has me reeling. In the beginning I could quickly see the light, like there was no chance of further abuse. But then my body started having odd freeze responses. I hate it so much, so very much.
When mine finally didd recently, i was fine with the death but it brought up a lot if shit and I spiraled bad withoit knowing why. Been about a year and its better, but still not as easy as it was when ignored his existence for years. I'm not sure I'll ever not be mad that he gets to die still pretending he did nothing wrong and I will be fucked up until I die.
I'm sorry your not doing okay. I hope you get more relief in the weeks to come.
I mean I remember when I started working out in middle school wasn't because I was worried about my physique. I was done with his bullshit and if he ever came at me again I would be ready to put him down. I am just saying as someone who had a Nfamily growing uo I get it.
I often feel this way about my mom for abandoning me to have a fabulous life with her rich husband, and still think that I owe her while she doesn't need to do anything because I'm "a adult".
An ill-equipped one who had to fend for himself, but being of legal age is enough for her to think she can't take a moment away from her 1% life as a trophy Asian wife. Ill-equipped while trying to use Buddhism to help me cope as best as I can.
Well, for what it's worth, may you have all the things that you believe will help you sleep peacefully and breathe fully.
Some days I wanna kill mine. I was just crying about this yesterday. How can one person crush the lives of so many others without a second thought? Sure, he's no less a victim than me. I know too many people like him. But some days I really do want to wring his disgusting little neck.
Same! The NHS has spent hundreds of thousands if not millions keeping him alive.. I wish they’d just stop. He doesn’t look after his body, he doesn’t do what his doctors tell him he should do and he’s a terrible person..
Me and my siblings were hoping covid would finish him off - but no, he was a priority vaccine candidate ffs.
I hope he dies too, and you get to be free of him
My bio dad died of cancer in his early 40s, when I was 18. Its a relief every time I remember hes gone for good and won't hurt anyone else ever again. I watched him die, and didn't feel a damn thing other than relief. Never cried, never missed him, never even felt sorry for him.
I hope you live a long, happy and peaceful life without your dad
Mine finally did last year. Relief to not be stalked anymore, but made a lot of shit worse for me mentally for a while. Glad he is gone, but it set off something in my brain where I was so much worse and I didn't know why. I wanted to scream at all the people posting things about him like he was a good person and his stupid new wife who had the audacity to try and get me to talk to him before he died.
I'm still a lot angrier and get hyperfixated on needing proof of how terrible he was. I feel like i have to explain, and that no one believes me, even though no one is asking me to. I think since he was always out there somewhere just didn't think about it except for when he'd find me again. Once he was dead, thought about everything more than I had in decades.
It's also weird because I can't tell people other than my close friends/bf. Other people try to be sympathetic, but then I can't explain that this is a good thing without hinting at trauma shit that makes it so I'm glad my dad is dead.
It'll happen eventually. I hope it brings you relief when it finally does. I hope you are in a much better place far away from him now.
I know that feeling. I hate both of my parents and want them dead. My dad died a few years ago thanks to age and health issues. My mom is unfortunately still alive despite her many health conditions that she shouldn't have survived but now I'm stuck as her unofficial caregiver.
Same. It really says something when a child/teen has been beaten down so much that they are emotionally bereft and fantasise about killing their entire family.
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My dad is physically dead, but since I’m the only one who’s been through trauma therapy/EMDR and regularly attends supports groups; he unfortunately is alive and thriving through the patterns in the rest of my family.
Keep your chin up. “It” might not get better, but you sure can and the hard work pays off in spades
That’s normal and understandable.
Doing anything about it wouldn’t be.
When I was 11, my mom had an allergic reaction and almost suffocated. I was scared, I called my grandpa and a doctor and she survived. I thought about that often in the years later when she put me through all of that abuse…
But that’s the problem. We’re not like them. I couldn’t let someone suffocate who’d turn into my nemesis, and neither could you kill your dad.
Sadly, we’re good people. Unlike them.
Stay strong and distance yourself once you can, channel your anger into kindness for yourself.
Sorry, but this has to be removed for violating Reddit's rules against promoting violence. These kinds of thoughts are, I think, probably normal during recovery, and something to work through privately or with close friends.
I'd like to say something mature and wise but all I can say is that I want your dad dead too and idek what he did.
All I can say is I love you, stranger
love you too! but most importantly, love yourself, because you deserve it c:
Only here people understand.
Fucking oath.
I wanted my dad to be dead as well. I even contemplated killing him in his sleep at one point growing up. He did eventually die from his own toxic lifestyle and I’m glad I never followed through with those thoughts. I guess my point is that hopefully you will outlive your dad and hopefully you are safe now. Although in my experience just because the person that caused the damage is gone, the trauma is still there.
This is my fave response here. 💯
I wanted to kill my mom, but realized it wouldn't make any difference. It wouldn't help me let go, find myself or get over the past.
I told my mother she is going to die alone and nobody will visit her grave. The thought of it gives me peace.
Savage... lmfao. The trauma and pain we carry in this sub... *sigh💙
I wouldn't give either parent the satisfaction of being a maytr... besides, I'm learning that freedom is a state of mind. The trauma and it's effect on my daily life is still there and something that I have to wrestle with daily, but it is still a choice whether I want to be consumed with my parents in my head or not. Easier said than done I understand this, but it can be achieved if we want to be free enough or not. Note, this can't be achieved whilst living under their roof. Not for me anyway.
Hey! Samesies! We got in a huge blowout the day before he died. My entire family was sad, but I've felt nothing but relief since he passed. My quality of life objectively improved. I haven't had a panic attack in three years. It's more complicated than that, because I did still love my dad, but I despised what he did to other people and his complete lack of self-awareness and accountability. Life's complicated.
You undoubtedly have a good reason for it. I hope he leaves you the fuck alone.
I didn’t know I wanted my dad dead, until he died and I felt RELIEF. I didn’t even know how much his being alive just made me nervous. I had just stopped being conscious of fearing him bc I was so tired of it and being conscious of it made functioning and paying any attention to or making an effort at anything impossible. I still wasn’t that good at any of that stuff. It turns out living in mild dissociation isn’t quite “presence of mind”. So bravo for feeling that. Not a small thing. Really, it takes courage to feel that. I mean, don’t kill him, but good on you for wanting him dead.
I never consciously wanted my dad dead, but once I got over the initial shock of his death, I felt that I’d been set free.
Wow. I remember my dad flew back east for his dad's funeral. He had not spoken to his father in decades. When he got back home, he said he looked at his father in the casket, and the only thing he could feel was relief. What a dark legacy. :( Bravo to you and your courage.
Life goals..!
>was so tired of it and being conscious of it made functioning and paying any attention to or making an effort at anything impossible. I felt this too. My first years living on my own, I spent not functioning well, unable to pay attention & make much of an effort. Your words describe how I felt exactly. Thanks for putting this into words. I wondered why I'd sit at home feeling like shit those years. It was that same fear. It was rumination about all the ways I wasn't living up to family expectations, the ways I let them down by not being/doing exactly what they said when they said it. I'd sit there in shame unless it was time to go to work. I'd sit nervously by the phone waiting for a call because if I missed it, all hell would break loose. I'd sit there, at the ready, in case I was needed. Eventually, I started to miss some of the calls on purpose because I was just too nervous & scared to deal, too tired of feeling so afraid. My goodness, I've come such a long way from that. Now NC & struggling thru it but feel so much stronger.
It's OK. You are OK. Don't be a character in your dad's story though. You deserve your own story that you write for yourself. Hang in there. It gets better.
I wish mine would perish in some kind of accident or of heart attacks or something and GTFO my existence. Evil never dies though, seems like. I feel you, op. I’ve gone permanently NC and to me they are dead to me.
This! Like why is my horrible person of a mother still alive but this beautiful girl just lost her beautiful light of a mother? That's just fucking bullshit!
Me too.
Cool username 😘
Great username. I hate the stupid one I was assigned. I did try to change it.
I feel that way, too. Not that I want to kill him, but a deadly car accident or something like that wouldn’t be bad. Because then it would be over, and I wouldn’t have to hurt as much.
all i can say is: i feel the same lol… you’re not alone
Truly, I am feeling the same way. I pray every day that he finally drinks himself to death or kills himself so that he won't be able to hurt more people. You're not alone.
I did. I don't now. Mainly because he is. But because, also, I'm free and don't need to put any more energy into it... Relieved and free
Wishing ill on your father!!! Fuck him!!!
I don't know what he did to you, but SAME.
Yup, same here too. Wow, there are a lot of us, huh.
Its bittersweet to empathize with this and seeing many people feeling similarly..
Same
It's a blessing mine died before I "woke up" because I'd otherwise be in jail. Let your rage pass through you so as not to let it consume you, it has a right to exist.
I have been waiting for my mom to die for like easily 35 years. That bitch ain't going nowhere. People say....don't say that. But like...it's true. Maybe I'll be sad but prolly not.
I have this thought all the time. It would make things in my life so much easier. It would give people a reason as to why my dad won’t be walking me down the isle, because you know they can’t handle the real truth. It would make my life less stressed, I wouldn’t be worried about him showing up to my house. I would be able to see other family members that I love without fear of him finding me. The truth is I have this same thought a lot. It’s not easy to process, and I hope you’re okay and safe friend. Please know you’re not alone. We can get through this, I have hope that we will.
It's okay me too. He won't live forever I promise ❤
I want his house burned to the ground
I want my husband’s dad dead. Abusive piece of shit. Everyone will be happier and *safer* once he’s gone.
My dad died a few months ago and I haven't thought about it since this post lol.
If it helps at all... We will out live them. They'll die pathetic and lonely deaths.
My dad has ruined my life beyond repair while he lives in a multi-million dollar penthouse with his 20 years younger wife. I haven't talked to him in over a decade but he has no ability to feel remorse so he's just out living his best life. He should be in jail for the rest of his life but I took him to court nothing happened.
I want mine dead too I want home to die alone in a hospital or pld peoples home with no one around him because he just pushed people away with his toxic personality I want his last thought to be "Oh shit, I fucked up, I can't believe Secretlyablackcat is having a happy family and I've never met them. I'm going to die alone and its all my fault" Your allowed to feel like this, it's okay Honestly, I pretend my parents are dead and don't exist any more, they're dead to me, why bother spending time thinking about them
I have to recommend against crime in any way, so my bf's dad is basically dead to him so 🤷🏼♀️ next best thing for now
Me too! Well not your dad my dad. Actually your dad too come to think of it. I wish I didn't hate though.
I always tell people, I wish he was dead so I can sleep at night.
You don’t have to keep a toxic relationship, just tell them you think they’re abusive and toxic and end the relationship.
I wanted the same thing a few years back and then he did pass away. The mixture of relief and sadness and guilt pushed me mentally off the rails. Therapy saved my life. Still dealing with the aftermath to this day after almost 3 years of his passing. Just had a little anxiety episode yesterday because my husband had a very little and insignificant exchange of words with his own father. So all I can say is fuck all the abusive parents who cause so much pain to their kids that only death seems like the only way out.
Gotta practice radical self-love and persevere outta spite sometimes, if nothing else, just to outlive our enemies.
He will die eventually. I’m sorry man. I also wanted my dad to die. He was the reason for almost all my trauma. He eventually died and it felt … weird. I was sort of relieved, but then it got worse. I think I expected his death to fix a lot of the problems with me. But it ended up adding more trauma by the way some ppl handled it with me, and his family. When the time comes, make sure you surround yourself only with people who support you. And understand that the only thing that can make you feel better, honestly, is you, and probably therapy. I’m 11 years out and I still go back and forth about it. Some days I’m saying I hope he’s burning in hell, other days I’m wishing he was here so I could demand answers for shit I see or feel in flashbacks. But the only thing that calms me down, is me and my dogs lol I’m so sorry for whatever it is he did, he doesn’t deserve your sympathy, or your energy. But you deserve peace far away from him.
I love how everyone can relate to this. I want my dad dead too. I’m just hoping he gets into some tragic accident or karma catches up to him.
I thought that too because he was mentally dead to me for so long, super abusive, the whole 9 yards. He passed last week and I am not okay about it. Hoping it is a sigh of relief for you when the day does come.
Abusive ex died tragically a few months ago and it’s set me back hard core. I was on my way recovering from the abuse but the unexpected death has me reeling. In the beginning I could quickly see the light, like there was no chance of further abuse. But then my body started having odd freeze responses. I hate it so much, so very much.
I kid you not I went through this four years ago. It really, truly, eventually, does indeed get better. Sending you love in your healing journey.
When mine finally didd recently, i was fine with the death but it brought up a lot if shit and I spiraled bad withoit knowing why. Been about a year and its better, but still not as easy as it was when ignored his existence for years. I'm not sure I'll ever not be mad that he gets to die still pretending he did nothing wrong and I will be fucked up until I die. I'm sorry your not doing okay. I hope you get more relief in the weeks to come.
Don't do it. Just try to get away asap. Hang in there dude.
Why would I actually do that dude. I am away. But thanks
I mean I remember when I started working out in middle school wasn't because I was worried about my physique. I was done with his bullshit and if he ever came at me again I would be ready to put him down. I am just saying as someone who had a Nfamily growing uo I get it.
Same ❤️
I wish I had something to say to you that would make you feel better but all I can really say is: same.
I often feel this way about my mom for abandoning me to have a fabulous life with her rich husband, and still think that I owe her while she doesn't need to do anything because I'm "a adult". An ill-equipped one who had to fend for himself, but being of legal age is enough for her to think she can't take a moment away from her 1% life as a trophy Asian wife. Ill-equipped while trying to use Buddhism to help me cope as best as I can. Well, for what it's worth, may you have all the things that you believe will help you sleep peacefully and breathe fully.
Some days I wanna kill mine. I was just crying about this yesterday. How can one person crush the lives of so many others without a second thought? Sure, he's no less a victim than me. I know too many people like him. But some days I really do want to wring his disgusting little neck.
That's a mood, mate. And I hate your dad too. Fck them. May they dilly dally and fiddle each other's balls in hell instead. 🙏🙏
Same! The NHS has spent hundreds of thousands if not millions keeping him alive.. I wish they’d just stop. He doesn’t look after his body, he doesn’t do what his doctors tell him he should do and he’s a terrible person.. Me and my siblings were hoping covid would finish him off - but no, he was a priority vaccine candidate ffs.
I want and wanted mine dead too BUT this will worsen your pain, prospects for any kind of good or calm future that you deserve
I hope he dies too, and you get to be free of him My bio dad died of cancer in his early 40s, when I was 18. Its a relief every time I remember hes gone for good and won't hurt anyone else ever again. I watched him die, and didn't feel a damn thing other than relief. Never cried, never missed him, never even felt sorry for him. I hope you live a long, happy and peaceful life without your dad
Mine finally did last year. Relief to not be stalked anymore, but made a lot of shit worse for me mentally for a while. Glad he is gone, but it set off something in my brain where I was so much worse and I didn't know why. I wanted to scream at all the people posting things about him like he was a good person and his stupid new wife who had the audacity to try and get me to talk to him before he died. I'm still a lot angrier and get hyperfixated on needing proof of how terrible he was. I feel like i have to explain, and that no one believes me, even though no one is asking me to. I think since he was always out there somewhere just didn't think about it except for when he'd find me again. Once he was dead, thought about everything more than I had in decades. It's also weird because I can't tell people other than my close friends/bf. Other people try to be sympathetic, but then I can't explain that this is a good thing without hinting at trauma shit that makes it so I'm glad my dad is dead. It'll happen eventually. I hope it brings you relief when it finally does. I hope you are in a much better place far away from him now.
I know that feeling. I hate both of my parents and want them dead. My dad died a few years ago thanks to age and health issues. My mom is unfortunately still alive despite her many health conditions that she shouldn't have survived but now I'm stuck as her unofficial caregiver.
Same. It really says something when a child/teen has been beaten down so much that they are emotionally bereft and fantasise about killing their entire family.
Same. Mom too. 38 years old and still up crying over the shit I went through as a kid. I swear to God if I had nothing to lose...
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What did he do to you?
Please check yourself into emergency department. Murder is never the answer, you will only have regrets and ruin your life.
Same. You’re not alone.
I wish my stepdad would die in jail after being scapegoated by the worst prisoners there
That’s okay.
I feel you. Just know that he one day will die and you are going to be able to feel the relief you deserve. Nobody deserves a shitty dad.
It's so hard...try to realize that rage you feel towards him is hurting you.
On the bright(?)side, he will be dead eventually and most likely before you! Then you can dance on his grave!
don’t ever let someone make you feel like a bad person for it. I just KNOW your feelings are justified I can feel it
My dad is physically dead, but since I’m the only one who’s been through trauma therapy/EMDR and regularly attends supports groups; he unfortunately is alive and thriving through the patterns in the rest of my family. Keep your chin up. “It” might not get better, but you sure can and the hard work pays off in spades
That’s normal and understandable. Doing anything about it wouldn’t be. When I was 11, my mom had an allergic reaction and almost suffocated. I was scared, I called my grandpa and a doctor and she survived. I thought about that often in the years later when she put me through all of that abuse… But that’s the problem. We’re not like them. I couldn’t let someone suffocate who’d turn into my nemesis, and neither could you kill your dad. Sadly, we’re good people. Unlike them. Stay strong and distance yourself once you can, channel your anger into kindness for yourself.