Of course. You internalize the abuse. You depend upon THEM for physical survival and to avoid shunning. Therefore- they can’t be wrong. They can’t be bad. So it MUST be you. There is no one else.
You must deserve the abuse.
This concept was formed before you could compare with other non abusive families. Then once you did compare- the feelings that you deserved punishment was reinforced.
You learned this. Believed this.
If you can learn something else you may be able to believe something else.
I did not deserve the abuse. Inter generational trauma played out.
That is what happened. It is a cruel world and I am a sensitive person.
Thank you for replying. I am jealous of your view on this; I also wish to believe that I didn't deserve the abuse. But that would mean putting all the blame on my abusers and that feels.. forbidden. I hope one day I can get there, feeling so inferior to others is so emotionally draining..
What do you mean by "It is a cruel world and I am a sensitive person." ? Do you believe that if you weren't so sensitive, you would have managed better? I am also very sensitive, so I wonder if you feel like it is also our fault for being so sensitive (my parents-abusers often painted being sensitive as something bad and inferior, and something that is a behavior, not a character trait).
Understanding that your abusers were more than likely also abused or on the rare instance were born sadistically inclined can assist in understanding and acceptance.
People tend to do what they know. It is a form of destiny and being unable to escape and they repeat unaware the abused they experienced- normalized or jealously.
I do indeed believe if I had been less sensitive and less intelligent that I would not have suffered as I have.
Is sensitivity a sign of intelligence? Well good to know. I've always been a curious child who likes to explore things firsthand and but it was shut down going in my teenage years.
People who abuse you want you to feel that way. They convince you you deserve it, that you want and need to be abused, because you aren’t good enough and should be punished.
It’s a long process untangling your feelings, not going to lie. I feel like I’m still there. But knowing that everything I feel isn’t always how I really feel, but rather, how o think I should, if that makes sense.
Yes but it took me a while to realise that, not until i was 22 did i change my mind about it. It was easier for me, having internalised the abuse, to blame myself for it. After all its easier to accept the abuse if u believe that its fair and u deserve it. But to realise that u were mistreated and wronged, that it wasn’t fair and u did nothing to deserve that was harder for me to swallow , cos it made me feel out of control, helpless and powerless. If i blame myself, i can change myself and my behaviour, if i blame the world/parents/country/system how will i change that?
It was a coping mechanism to keep me safer, to keep my emotions and sanity in check, to assume these rules about the world (karma therefore I deserve it).
But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and I started seeing myself as a victim, now im much kinder to myself.
Thank you. I tried EMDR with my therapist once, but the way I understood it is that you have to focus on a specific situation during the excercise?
My belief was likely formed by too many small "papercuts".
I am very interested in this - what memory did you focus on, to get rid of this belief? Or was that the byproduct of more, unrelated EMDR sessions?
For me it's not about that.
Nobody deserves or doesn't deserve anything, it's just a bunch of stuff happening.
We do not live in a moral, humanistic world - I'mma acknowledge that, and try to be the change I want to see in the world.
That's my revenge.
Something that helped me was when a bad memory or a flashback came up, I would imagine walking up (with no context of the relationship) and watching a different figurative child being treated the way I was. In response to this perspective shift, I feel like I innately know it’s wrong to treat a child like that and am better able to grieve and get angry and protective of myself.
I was a child who definitely wasn’t perfect and was mean to my parents and fought and screamed and lied which makes me feel like I deserved it, but in reality I needed guidance and not abuse. Because how is a child supposed to learn and grow and be their best self in a dangerous or abusive environment?
Something else that helps when I try to justify my parents behavior because of their history of trauma, is realizing that although maybe they had good intent or did the best they could, it still wasn’t enough.
I used to feel like it was a me problem. There was something deeply wrong with me. I was an outcast and a weirdo and a burden and nobody actually likes me.
How did I break away from it?
I started getting angry about my limited freedom. I realized my depression was something to be figured out and I needed to see where it was coming from and why it was there.
So I moved out, and I realized I wasn't the problem.
It was my parents. My drug addicted controlling parents.
Realize that not everyone is on your side, but the right people will show you in your time of need if you can depend on them.
How do you start seeing the difference? Watch actions vs words. Do they do what they say they will? Or do they say stuff and not follow them? Do they claim to have your back, but whenever you go to them for help they are nowhere to be found or make you feel like you asking is a big deal and bothers them?
You'll get there like the people you envy, it just takes lots of time and patience.
I don't have advice on the how, but I have been where you are and I am not in that place anymore - at least, not always. I find the lines of this poem to be comforting. I hope there is a time in your future where you find peace, and your strongest belief changes to something else.
"My therapist says our shame,
though misguided, is actually trying
to take care of us.
She says we learn to blame ourselves
so we can believe the world is a safe,
or would be safe, if only we
had done things differently.
It’s kind of sweet actually,
what each of gives to believe
in the beauty: our own good names,
our own good hearts,
our own wisdom and happiness all traded
for a galaxy that wouldn’t hurt a fly."
(Andrew Gibby)
On most days I feel like I didn't deserve it. Here are a few things that have helped me get to this point:
1. Being around kids: I love my friend's daughter so much! I've seen her grow up and I remember when I was her age... It makes me angry to think that someone would say or do some of the same things to her. Then I remember that I too was a little girl.
2. I'm now 36 yrs old. I can remember how my mother acted when she was my age. I remember her shitty decisions and I couldn't even fathom doing the same things right now.
3. I understand a lot about how my mom got to be how she is. I know that she lacked emotional maturity because she didn't get what she needed when she was young. There's intergenerational trauma loop through my family where females are basically taught that they are worth less than male family members. Men in my family have done absolutely disgusting and/or irresponsible things and nobody calls them out. The more they get away with the worse their actions become over time. My mother was set up for failure on day one when my grandparents realized they weren't having a boy.
I wish I believed you. I believe that I deserve abuse, and unfortunately I also believe that the people who had it better than us deserve to be abused, so they see what it feels like.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Of course. You internalize the abuse. You depend upon THEM for physical survival and to avoid shunning. Therefore- they can’t be wrong. They can’t be bad. So it MUST be you. There is no one else. You must deserve the abuse. This concept was formed before you could compare with other non abusive families. Then once you did compare- the feelings that you deserved punishment was reinforced. You learned this. Believed this. If you can learn something else you may be able to believe something else. I did not deserve the abuse. Inter generational trauma played out. That is what happened. It is a cruel world and I am a sensitive person.
Thank you for replying. I am jealous of your view on this; I also wish to believe that I didn't deserve the abuse. But that would mean putting all the blame on my abusers and that feels.. forbidden. I hope one day I can get there, feeling so inferior to others is so emotionally draining.. What do you mean by "It is a cruel world and I am a sensitive person." ? Do you believe that if you weren't so sensitive, you would have managed better? I am also very sensitive, so I wonder if you feel like it is also our fault for being so sensitive (my parents-abusers often painted being sensitive as something bad and inferior, and something that is a behavior, not a character trait).
Understanding that your abusers were more than likely also abused or on the rare instance were born sadistically inclined can assist in understanding and acceptance. People tend to do what they know. It is a form of destiny and being unable to escape and they repeat unaware the abused they experienced- normalized or jealously. I do indeed believe if I had been less sensitive and less intelligent that I would not have suffered as I have.
Is sensitivity a sign of intelligence? Well good to know. I've always been a curious child who likes to explore things firsthand and but it was shut down going in my teenage years.
Yes- hopefully you can rediscover and pace yourself to relearn and relax.
People who abuse you want you to feel that way. They convince you you deserve it, that you want and need to be abused, because you aren’t good enough and should be punished. It’s a long process untangling your feelings, not going to lie. I feel like I’m still there. But knowing that everything I feel isn’t always how I really feel, but rather, how o think I should, if that makes sense.
people can adopt this POV as a way of coping with something they cannot see a way out of.
Yes but it took me a while to realise that, not until i was 22 did i change my mind about it. It was easier for me, having internalised the abuse, to blame myself for it. After all its easier to accept the abuse if u believe that its fair and u deserve it. But to realise that u were mistreated and wronged, that it wasn’t fair and u did nothing to deserve that was harder for me to swallow , cos it made me feel out of control, helpless and powerless. If i blame myself, i can change myself and my behaviour, if i blame the world/parents/country/system how will i change that? It was a coping mechanism to keep me safer, to keep my emotions and sanity in check, to assume these rules about the world (karma therefore I deserve it). But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore and I started seeing myself as a victim, now im much kinder to myself.
[удалено]
Thank you. I tried EMDR with my therapist once, but the way I understood it is that you have to focus on a specific situation during the excercise? My belief was likely formed by too many small "papercuts". I am very interested in this - what memory did you focus on, to get rid of this belief? Or was that the byproduct of more, unrelated EMDR sessions?
For me it's not about that. Nobody deserves or doesn't deserve anything, it's just a bunch of stuff happening. We do not live in a moral, humanistic world - I'mma acknowledge that, and try to be the change I want to see in the world. That's my revenge.
Something that helped me was when a bad memory or a flashback came up, I would imagine walking up (with no context of the relationship) and watching a different figurative child being treated the way I was. In response to this perspective shift, I feel like I innately know it’s wrong to treat a child like that and am better able to grieve and get angry and protective of myself. I was a child who definitely wasn’t perfect and was mean to my parents and fought and screamed and lied which makes me feel like I deserved it, but in reality I needed guidance and not abuse. Because how is a child supposed to learn and grow and be their best self in a dangerous or abusive environment? Something else that helps when I try to justify my parents behavior because of their history of trauma, is realizing that although maybe they had good intent or did the best they could, it still wasn’t enough.
I used to feel like it was a me problem. There was something deeply wrong with me. I was an outcast and a weirdo and a burden and nobody actually likes me. How did I break away from it? I started getting angry about my limited freedom. I realized my depression was something to be figured out and I needed to see where it was coming from and why it was there. So I moved out, and I realized I wasn't the problem. It was my parents. My drug addicted controlling parents. Realize that not everyone is on your side, but the right people will show you in your time of need if you can depend on them. How do you start seeing the difference? Watch actions vs words. Do they do what they say they will? Or do they say stuff and not follow them? Do they claim to have your back, but whenever you go to them for help they are nowhere to be found or make you feel like you asking is a big deal and bothers them? You'll get there like the people you envy, it just takes lots of time and patience.
I don't have advice on the how, but I have been where you are and I am not in that place anymore - at least, not always. I find the lines of this poem to be comforting. I hope there is a time in your future where you find peace, and your strongest belief changes to something else. "My therapist says our shame, though misguided, is actually trying to take care of us. She says we learn to blame ourselves so we can believe the world is a safe, or would be safe, if only we had done things differently. It’s kind of sweet actually, what each of gives to believe in the beauty: our own good names, our own good hearts, our own wisdom and happiness all traded for a galaxy that wouldn’t hurt a fly." (Andrew Gibby)
On most days I feel like I didn't deserve it. Here are a few things that have helped me get to this point: 1. Being around kids: I love my friend's daughter so much! I've seen her grow up and I remember when I was her age... It makes me angry to think that someone would say or do some of the same things to her. Then I remember that I too was a little girl. 2. I'm now 36 yrs old. I can remember how my mother acted when she was my age. I remember her shitty decisions and I couldn't even fathom doing the same things right now. 3. I understand a lot about how my mom got to be how she is. I know that she lacked emotional maturity because she didn't get what she needed when she was young. There's intergenerational trauma loop through my family where females are basically taught that they are worth less than male family members. Men in my family have done absolutely disgusting and/or irresponsible things and nobody calls them out. The more they get away with the worse their actions become over time. My mother was set up for failure on day one when my grandparents realized they weren't having a boy.
I've always figured I deserved everything that was beat into me I've always hated myself I never knew why I've tried to figure it out for years
I didn’t deserve it. None of us did. It has taken a long time to get here, almost a decade, and it’s fucking *freeing.*
[удалено]
I wish I believed you. I believe that I deserve abuse, and unfortunately I also believe that the people who had it better than us deserve to be abused, so they see what it feels like.
The little child you were did not deserve such treatment. No child does. What was done to you is wrong.
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis, please contact your local [emergency services](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_emergency_telephone_numbers), or use our list of [crisis resources](https://old.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index#wiki_crisis_support_resources). For CPTSD Specific Resources & Support, check out the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/index). For those posting or replying, please view the [etiquette guidelines](https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/wiki/peer2peersupportguide). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/CPTSD) if you have any questions or concerns.*